#also just to show how fucked my sleep schedule is it’s 5pm where I am. I went to bed around 8am.

[toxicrevolver]

Happy Holidays :>

Happy Holidays to you as well!!!

I hope you have a good day and make sure to drink some water! (I always forget to do that)

~ Very random story but the picture triggered a thought. I bought a really nice loaf of sourdough bread at the store a few weeks ago and I only got to eat maybe 3 pieces of it bcs it molded in like 3 days. I was very sad ~

[thesmokingguns]

24 Hours

Word Count:3454

Request/ Summary: “Can i request one where nicki gets turned down by their makeup artist or like stand in manager and hes upset and he finds out the the manager just doesnt sleep with people she just met”

I tried to write this where she breaks rules for him and turns him down. He understands what her restrictions are but he can see that living by her strict rules she created for herself she is making herself unhappy.

I hope I hit the prompt you wanted!

A/N: This turned out longer than I expected it to be so sorry about that one. I do have three requests I’m writing right now on top of some of the stuff I am writing so you can all still make requests but I'm going to be saying it’s a two week wait for a new request right now. I also want to say I am going to write a third and fourth part to the 3am Duff series because I have no self control. Thank you for everyone being patient with me and all your kind words! If you want to be added to my tallest please message me or go HERE

Tag List: @thenobodies-inc​ , @littlemisscare-all​ , @agroupiewhore , @ayablackwood​

You were having a bad day. Not just a bad day but one of those days where everything that could have gone wrong went wrong. From morning to night it was the literal day from hell for you.

8:12am You woke up, an hour after you had hit snooze on your alarm, twelve minutes after you were supposed to leave your house to get to work.

8:34am After throwing yourself together and rushing out the door, you were running out of the apartment with the cup of coffee you had economically and time consciously thought to make. On the last step before you had escaped into the day you slipped, the hot coffee spilled all down the front of your red dress, because of course it was the one day you weren’t wearing black. Rushing back up the stairs you realized that the keys to get into your apartment were in your apartment, hanging on the hook just out of reach behind the door. So you would be going to work in your coffee dress.

9:01AM You made it to work, only thirty-one minutes late. Your boss wasn’t happy that you were late on a Friday, thinking you had done this on purpose as some slight to them. Which meant they had pulled you in the office and chewed you a new asshole.

They also told you about coming to work in a clean, tidy appearance as if you had wanted to be wearing your coffee.

As you were being yelled at you watched the line back up and couldn’t help but think about how yelling at you was just making the situation worse. You also were also thinking about how next time you’d just call in sick instead of being late.

11:59AM One minute before you were scheduled to take a break, one fucking minute, and the crazy man came in. Throwing his shit smelling money at you and proceeding to vomit all over your window.

Your window, your mess. So instead of having a much needed timeout from the day from hell you were trying to scrub the smell of puke off a counter.

1:47 PM You finally stepped out for lunch. Moving to the payphone to call your roommate. She thankfully answered on the second ring of the apartment phone. At least the door would be unlocked after work, which was one thing you had been worried about.

She was quick to tell you about how she had gotten you a gig for the night. Knowing how you wanted to travel, you two had come up with a plan a few months ago to find work in Hollywood for bands or on film sets. She had been pretty popular making costumes and helping to come up with whole concepts for the upcoming Glam Rock scene. One of her usual bands needed help because their makeup artist had been sick, so you were going to work for her tonight.

This would be considered a good thing but since it was a trial run you were not going to be getting paid for this gig. So your time would be free. The makeup you used on them you needed to provide. And you have to be there at 5PM to set up, which is the exact time that you need to get out of work. Your roommate agreed to help set you up and she was going to bring you a change of clothes to the gig. It would be fine because the band wouldn’t need to be made up until 6 or 7 but it was just another thing on your plate.

So you would be losing money that you needed to pay rent on a bunch of entitled rock stars who would probably not hire you and this whole night would just leave you feeling exhausted and annoyed. Really looking forward to it.

3:49PM Your coworker went home sick with a headache so now you had to do twice the amount of work and there was no hope in hell that you would be making it to the gig in time tonight. That great first impression that you would need to get an actual long job was gone. And you were stuck with a line out the door of people trying to cash their checks all seeming to want to kill you. Happy Friday.

5:02PM You were running down the street, thankful you worked around the corner from the venue. A sigh of relief left your lips seeing your roommate waiting for you. She dragged you inside pushing you towards a bathroom and giving you a bag of clothes to change into. You lined your brown eyes with the kohl liner, winging your eyeliner and adding a deep burgundy lip shade that complimented your darker skin.

“Y/N, hurry up.” you rolled your eyes, repacking the bag and heading out where your friend was waiting for you. “I put your makeup in the dressing room already. It’s not set up yet.” she pulled you down a few hallways. Equipment for the band was more around as they started getting ready to set up everything for the show.

You entered the dressing room, seeing there was a table for food and drinks set up,  a rack of costumes for the band to wear, and finally a vanity where your makeup bag was sitting ready to be unpacked. Your friend handed you a cup, pouring a few fingers worth of vodka into it before splashing in some juice to help the taste.

“Cheers,” you tapped red solo cups drinking heavily. If you weren’t going to get paid for the gig you might as well take advantage of whatever free perks came with it.

6:23PM Sitting on the couch, legs crossed, you were chatting aimlessly with your friend when the door opened and a man walked in looking at you confused.

“Hey, I’m Y/N. I’m the makeup artist for the night.” you were quick to introduce yourself not wanting him to think you were another girl who was just trying to sleep with the band.

“Mick.” he moved to pour himself a full cup of straight vodka, “Can you do my makeup now? The three pretty boys take too much time.” Ushering him into the seat you started out on him, wondering what the hell he meant about the other guys being divas.

7:45PM A blonde burst into the room, seeming surprised that you were standing there. The girl on his arm laughed too loudly and you looked over to your roommate who was handing Mick a belt to wear. She just shrugged, this was normal for her.

“Vince, new makeup artist. You should sit now before the Terror Twins stumble in.” Mick warned him. He pulled away from the girl on his arm headed over to your chair with an easy smile.

“You're going to make me prettier, doll?”

“I’m thinking that you would look with some blue eyeshadow. It would really complete your Malibu Barbie look.” You retorted, watching amused as his mouth dropped open, not used to having someone give it back to him.

You hated cocky assholes who thought that they were God’s gift. There was nothing wrong with a  man who was confident but the way that he was looking at himself in the mirror as you did his makeup you knew he was the type that thought he was above everyone else.

8:21PM  Two men burst into the room as you finished up Vince. Looking at the two taller men you let your eyes wander over them. Vince was a diva but there two were going to be where you had the most trouble. They must be tber terror twins Mick had mentioned.

One of the guys fell into the chair, laughing about something as he sipped the beer he was drinking, rubbing his nose. He lit up a cigarette as he sat back in the chair not seeming to care if it was annoying that he was blowing smoke in your face as you tried to work.

You bit your tongue, annoyed as you tried to work around his cigarette, that he almost burnt you with seven different times. As you worked you could feel a set of eyes on you. Looking up you saw the man he had walked in with, staring at you with these intense olive eyes.

There wasn’t a chance in hell that you would be interested in any of these loudmouth guys, who all seemed to be drunk and hyperactive. It was kind of like you were doing makeup for a bunch of chimps instead of men.

8:55PM Finally the last man was sitting in your chair. His eyes gazing up at you with such intensity you stopped moving around to just look at him.

“Have we met before?” there was something familiar about him and you wondered if you had met him at a bar or at a show before.

“I don’t think so, sweetheart. I’m Nikki.” Usually when a guy used a nickname instead of your given name you chalked it up to them being a douchebag but with him it seemed natural and not derogatory, “Thank you for coming out to do our makeup today. I heard the other artist got sick at the last minute. We appreciate you taking your time to help us out…” he left it blank waiting for you to give him your name.

“Y/N.” You were surprised by how talkative he was. The kindness in his tone is different from the way the other guys have been. Just when you thought he was different you felt a hand on the back of your thigh, “If you don’t get your hand off me I’ll break your fingers so you can’t play tonight.” you warned him, looking into the olive eyes gazing up at you.

He was too good looking. The type of guy you could get into trouble with if you allowed yourself but you wouldn’t be taking home a stranger tonight.

“Do you always talk to your clients like that?” he asked with a coy smile on his face. This was the type of smug you liked. The funny easy going type who could make you laugh if you had not been on your feet for twelve hours.

“Only the ones that don’t pay me.” you replied, swiping his eyeshadow on. You wanted this to be over so you could go home and sleep.

The drummer came over, bumping into the vanity and knocking the eyeshadow off and not seeming to notice as the makeup smashed into a thousand pieces on the ground. You were officially losing a lot of money on this job and didn’t have the funds to replace it.

“Jesus, T-Bone, watch where you’re going.” Nikki commented, watching you start to pack everything up, “Aren’t you sticking around to watch the show?”  You shook your head. “Why don’t you stick around and I’ll take you out after for a late dinner. As an apology for this being a bust for you.” You were sure that the way he smiled and how his eyes were so clear made it easy for him to pick up chicks but you weren’t going to be one of them.

“I had a long day. I’m not going out with you.” You zipped up your bag ready to leave

“Listen, Y/N, just stay until we go on. Maybe I can talk to someone and you can get paid for coming out.” You did need the money. So reluctantly you stayed.

9:57PM You shouldn’t have stayed. Nikki had seemed to think you telling him you were not going out with him was a maybe you’d go out with him.

It had been an hour of him sitting on the couch getting to know you, asking questions and being nice to you. Men weren’t nice to you just for the sake of being nice, they were born without the concept of human decency.

But he had also talked to their manager, pointing at you and saying stuff you didn’t get to hear. Now you were stuck in a weird limbo wondering if you were going to get paid.

11:15pm The band rushed on stage and you were pulled aside by the manager. He handed you and envelope that you knew contained cash.

“The boys are going to have a few California gigs. If you can stick it out for a couple weeks I’ll consider hiring you for the tour. I’ll pay you $100 bucks a gig and you need to bring your own supplies to start but if you go on tour you’ll get a contract.” He said. You agreed and he handed you a piece of paper with four dates, the upcoming week, times, and his phone number to call if you couldn’t make it. There was also a chicken scratch handwriting with the name Nikki and a phone number

You were stunned when he walked away. You not only got paid but you have jobs lined up to make even more. It was a dream.

Looking up, you moved towards the stage watching the bassist move around the stage. He was high energy, loving what he was doing. There was this presence about him that drew you in. If you did get the tour position that would be trouble.

11:59PM You had finished packing up and we’re heading out of the venue to head home. You were ready for your bed and a few hours of sleep. The guys were playing tomorrow and you wanted to not be having a bad day.

Trying to sneak out, you almost jumped back when four sweaty men came barreling into the room. Your heart instantly went to your throat seeing Nikki. His smile dancing across his lips, hey black hair stuck to his forehead just oozing self confidence and sex appeal.

“You’re leaving so soon?” You just nodded at his question, wondering if it would be considered rude to tuck his hair out of his face. “Did you call a taxi or need a ride? There’s a lot of unsafe riff raff out this late.” He warned and you almost thought he sounded concerned.

“I’m a grown woman. I can walk myself home. It’s only like 15 minutes from here.” His eyebrow raised as he wiped the sweat off his face with a towel.

“I’ll give you a ride.”

“No you won’t.” You shoe back, “I don’t know you and I don’t leave with strangers I’ve only known for one day.” You responded. It was practical to have rules to keep you from getting hurt.

“Well, Y/N, we’ve known each other for two days now since it’s past midnight.” He was so calm saying this to you, “And I’m trying to cut back on drinking so if they see me leave with you I won’t be harassed so you’ll really be doing me the favor.” Thinking about what he said, your tongue licked your top lip nervously. The way his eyes followed this motion gave you your answer.

“Thank you for the offer. I’m going to say goodbye to my roommate. I’ll see you in 20 minutes outside?” You gave him a smile and  saw the way he was melting under your touch as you moved away from him.

You moved over to your friend letting her know you were leaving and you’d see her at home.

12:22 AM Adjusting the bag over your shoulder you weaved through the crowds pouring in and out of all the clubs. No one ever really bothered you walking home. It was just the cat calling and guys thinking that they had a right to run their mouths

“Y/N.” You frowned hearing your name. The roar of a motorcycle speeding up had your eyes looking out on the street.

Oh Shit. There was Nikki, looking at you with a line where his smile had been, his kind eyes looking annoyed at you. You had left him after saying you’d let him take you home but he was too pushy.

“Get on.” the steely tone of his voice made you stop what you were doing, thinking of what to do next. People were looking at the pair of you, some probably recognizing Nikki from his band. You rolled your eyes, stepping forward.

“Listen to me, I’m not getting on. I don’t know you.” His look softened and it was like for the first time he understood what the issue was.

“I just want to make sure that you make it home safe. I know you don’t want anything happening to you. It would feel like my responsibility if you went missing after doing the band's makeup.” you rolled your eyes. Eyeing him and the bike. It had been a long day and it was onlya  five minute drive. What was the worst that could happen?

1:02AM The worst thing that could happen was happening.

When you got on the back of Nikki’s Harley he had asked where you lived. As he drove, you wrapped around his back you realized for the first time of the night you were smiling a genuine wife smile.

Watching the lights of the Strip and the hustle and bustle fly by when wrapped around his warm body, the noie drowned out by the roar of the bike was nice. It felt good. So when you pulled up on your street and he asked if you wanted to drive around more you didn't say no like you should have.

Weaving around the empty highways with just the pair of you was nice. There was no conversations but it felt like you two were getting to know each other on another level.

3:55AM Nikki pulled the bike into a donut shop on the side of the highway. The smell of fresh baked pastries and coffee brewing awakening you much like the wind whipping your face had been keeping you awake but it had been almost twenty four hours awake.

The pair of your ordered black coffee and a donut, sitting on stools at the counter and eating in a comfortable silence.

“Are you mad at me?” He didn’t have a cheeky grin on his face like you had expected but he was serious. “I know you said you wouldn’t go out with me but it just seemed like you were having a bad day and I have a hero complex.” you snorted when he said this. Surprised he admitted that he had a heroes complex.

“I’m not mad. I got on the back of your bike and stayed out.” you thought for a second, “I think I needed it. I always follow my rules and never break them. I think sometimes I need a break from the rules I create.” you said all this with your heart beating wondering what the hell you were doing with this guy in the middle of nowhere.

5:41AM Nikki had wrapped his leather jacket around you, both your boots abandoned by the motorcycle as you sat with toes in the sand watching the sun rise over the Pacific. You hadn't even seen the sun rising over the ocean before so you were wrapped up in the orange and golds of the sky, how the inky black of the water came alive into blue and purple hues with the light.

It was beautiful.

It felt like something was washing over you as you watchined it. Something was changing as you watched the sun start a new day. A new day that you had this feeling in your bones was going to be a good day.

Wiping a tear away, you took a deep breath remembering that you had moved here to make your dreams come true and for the first time it felt like it was going to happen.

A hand on your back reminded you that you weren’t alone. His olive eyes looking at you, concerned. You wiped a tear away trying to laugh it off.

“I never saw the sunrise over the ocean. It’s beautiful,” It was at that moment, wrapped up in the beauty of everything that you realized that he was going to kiss you. The way his hand was against your check, wiping the tears away.

But you surprised both of you leaning forward to push your lips against his. Making the first move. You were breaking all of your rules for him but it felt good and you could tell you would be breaking more rules with him

6:00AM It was going to be a good day.

[petri808]

Pranks Are So Revealing Sometimes…

@itafushiweek One bed prompt

After everything had finally settled and damages were assessed to Tokyo jujutsu high following the Kamo incident, the faculty decided it was time for a full renovation. They would fix the damaged areas but also update other undamaged parts. Including the dorms according to their teacher. The students were given a schedule of when each of their rooms would be worked on and given boxes to pack their belongings for temporary storage.

“Don’t worry,” Gojo grinned. “Shouldn’t take more than a day or two per room.”

“Yeah, okay,” Megumi stared back up at his teacher after reading the information. “But where are we supposed to sleep if our room is being renovated?”

“Oh, well since the unoccupied rooms will also be renovated during this process…” the man tapped his chin. “Got it! You bunk with Yuuji, then switch when it’s his rooms turn.”

“Cool! A sleepover!” Yuuji pumped his fists in the air. “We can hang out and watch movies and eat junk food and just crash from a food coma.”

Megumi swallowed thickly with a groan. “I’d rather you give me your credit card,” directing his comment to Gojo, “so I can get a hotel room.”

“No, can do buddy. Come on, it won’t be that bad.”

Yuuji threw an arm over Megumi’s. “It’ll be fine,” his brilliant smile causing the man’s cheeks to redden. “Movies and food, we’ll have fun.”

Megumi looked away and crossed his arms over his chest. “Ugh! Fine!”

“Good.” Gojo patted his student on the shoulder. “Now that’s settled, get packing young Megumi. Tomorrow we’ll be starting with your room.”

With Yuuji’s help, it didn’t take long for Megumi to pack up his belongings. There really wasn’t much, fitting everything into 3 medium sized boxes. Mostly clothes, some books, and minor items. He packed a bag with just enough to be displaced a couple of days, and if the renovations took longer, he could probably just borrow clothes from Yuuji. They were roughly the same size anyway. The boxes were then taken to Yuuji’s room and stacked in a corner out of the way.

But the full toll of the situation didn’t really hit Megumi until the morning of the renovations. He was awoken around 7 am by Gojo, letting him know the construction workers would be there in 15 minutes. Great. So, he dragged himself out of bed and walked into Yuuji’s room planning to get a couple more hours of sleep. It should be fine considering Yuuji rarely got up early on a day off.

The problem was— ‘Only one bed…’ Megumi groaned internally as he swiped his hand down his face. Duh! How could he have missed this detail?! And there was no way to fit a second bed in the room since they were only designed for single occupancy.

“Ugh…” Megumi shuffled back out of the room in irritation. Guess he’ll just go get breakfast and figure out what to do next!

Look, he didn’t have a problem sharing a bed with another person. It’s just sleeping on a bed instead of the hardwood floor, what’s the issue with that? If it was anyone else, Nobara, Toge, Maki, Yuta, whatever— no problem. The PROBLEM is it’s Yuuji. Maybe one of them will let him stay with them? Megumi put his head down on the kitchen table with his arms over his head in frustration. No… that would be weird to ask. Gojo already made all the arrangements between everyone, so if he suddenly had an issue with it, they might find that suspicious and he really didn’t need them asking questions, or worse teasing him about it.

He could hear it all too. What’s wrong with Yuuji? You worried something might happen? Too afraid to confront your feelings. Wink, wink. Aww that’s so cute you’re embarrassed. But Yuuji’s a good catch. Yada, Yada. Maki’s monotone, “just man up” tone was not something Megumi wanted to hear. ‘It’s just a night or two… no big deal. He’ll sleep on one side; I’ll sleep on the other. What could go wrong?’

“Morning!”

Megumi’s body immediately went stiff at the sound of Yuuji voice. Damn guy was like a cat this morning, he never heard him come in! Or did he just miss it because he was too wrapped up in his mind?

“Yeah… morning,” Megumi responded as he sat up in his chair and pretended everything was fine. “Sorry, I didn’t make coffee or anything yet.”

“Nah, it’s fine. I can make breakfast. Want some?” Yuuji responded in his chipper way.

“Sure, since you’re offering.”

“I see they started working on your room. That’s what woke me up.”

“Huh? Oh yeah, That’s why I’m up too. Gojo kicked me out at 7.”

“Oh, if you were tired, you could’ve just gone back to sleep in my room.”

“Nah. I’m fine.”

“You still look tired.”

“I’m fine.”

“If you say so,” Yuuji placed a plate of food in front of his friend, then sat down across from him with his own. “So, got any plans for today?”

“Not really.”

“I was thinking of grabbing some snacks from the store for tonight.”

“Something happening tonight?”

“Movie night! Remember?”

“You were serious about that?!”

“Of course! We rarely have time to relax, so this is a perfect opportunity.”

“Well, since I’m stuck in your room… what movie are you picking?”

“You can choose. I don’t really care. How about I’m in charge of snacks and you grab the movies.”

“Fine. I’ll dig something up.”

The pair part ways for the rest of the day. Megumi felt it best to keep himself occupied so he wouldn’t think about that night. So, after breakfast he got some training in with Yuta and Maki who between the two really kept him on his toes. The construction work on his room sounded a lot more extensive than Gojo had relayed based on all the noise coming from within. Someone had placed a “do not enter” sign on the door, and so when Megumi walked past it, he didn’t bother peeking. By the time he returned from shopping around 5pm, it was silent. ‘Guess they’re done for the day.’ But since the sign was still up, it wasn’t finished. ‘Ugh, it better be done by tomorrow night.’

“Hey, Megumi!”

Megumi froze in place. Damn it with Yuuji sneaking up on him! He turned around. “Yeah?”

“I got food!” Yuuji held up two plastic bags stuffed full. “Dinner, snacks, drinks. Did you grab the movies?”

Megumi pulled three DVD cases out of his shopping bag and showed it to his friend. Three movies would kill about six hours, which meant sleeping right after they were finished, equaled less dead time to worry about.

“Sweet! Let’s get started!”

The moment of dread was upon Megumi the instant he walked into Yuuji’s room and laid eyes on that single bed. And as the dorm mate puttered around oblivious to his nervousness, he just watched quietly as the man plopped the bags onto the bed and grabbed a laptop from the desk. This was it, no turning back now.

“Why are you just standing there?” Yuuji questioned with laughter in his tone and patted the bed. “Come on, before the food gets cold.”

Megumi rolled his eyes as if nothing was wrong, but his heartbeat picked up the pace with each step towards the bed. He should be happy that Yuuji was so oblivious to emotions, and yet a part of him was annoyed… maybe disappointed… Megumi quickly shut those thoughts down as he sat on the edge of the bed.

“So, just to get it out of the way. How is this gonna work? Like which side do I sleep on?” Megumi questioned.

Yuuji stopped fusing with a food container and looked over. “Oh, hmm, doesn’t matter to me. I can sleep on either side.”

Well since he was already on one side. “I’ll just take this side I’m on then.”

Yuuji gave him a thumbs up. “Pass me the first movie.”

The first movie… all the movies he’d chosen were just action types. Megumi wanted something with as little romance as possible and knew Yuuji didn’t mind action or horror. Frankly, he thought it was funny his friend still loved horror after becoming a jujutsu sorcerer. Don’t they see enough of it in real life? Between the movies and the eating, he was pleasantly surprised to find that Yuuji became so engrossed in what was on the screen, it helped his anxieties stay lowered.

Megumi had taken up a position with his back against the wall sitting upright, and legs stretched out in front of him, while Yuuji was next to him with about a foot of space between them. Mid-way through the third movie, Megumi was genuinely paying attention since he’d never seen it before, when he felt a pressure against his shoulder. His eyes flared, cheeks heated up, and adrenaline spiked his heart rate. Yuuji had fallen asleep against his shoulder. No kidding this guy could fall asleep anywhere! Versus him who was too wide awake now to even think about it.

The last thing he wanted to do was awaken the sleeping man and make things even more awkward. So, Megumi tried to gently push his friend away to simply rest against the wall. His first several tries failed, but on the fourth, success… briefly.

“Mmm,” Yuuji stirred without waking and shifted on his own to curl up in Megumi’s lap instead!

‘Fuck, my life!’ Megumi screamed in his head. Things just went from bad to a disaster!

Again, Megumi tried to shift the man away, but every time he tried Yuuji would whine.

“Stop moving…” Yuuji mumbled and wrapped his arms around Megumi’s waist, snuggling his face deeper into the man’s leg.

“You’ve got to be kidding me!” Megumi gritted out in a muffled anger. By now, his whole body felt like it’d been stuck in a furnace and was being roasted alive. Ugh! Yuuji had turned into a damn octopus clinging to its meal! And yet… Megumi had to admit the man was cute as he slept. Geez, he even smiled in his sleep!

Not much he could really do, Megumi exhaled in defeat. So, he did his best to turn off the laptop screen using his foot and shift it close enough to reach. He then grabbed it and placed it onto the nightstand next to the bed, leaving them in a darkened room with only the gentle breathing of Yuuji as any sound. Okay, fine! Megumi counseled himself. Just ignore the fact there’s someone attached to you and try to get some sleep. The faster he went to sleep, the faster the nightmare would end. So, he shifted his body to lie down, then turned over onto his side hoping Yuuji would also readjust.

And the man did, just not in a way Megumi wanted. Yuuji simply snuggled up to his back and weaved an arm around his torso like he was one of those giant stuffed animals you win at a fair! He pushed the arm away, but it sprang back into place.

Megumi screamed in his head. He was so tired… ‘just ignore it, ignore it, ignore it…’

The sound of birds chirping caused Megumi to rouse the next morning. Perfect, his torture was over, it was time to get up— ‘Why was the pillow so hard—’ his eyes opened in a panic as his hand felt the unmistakable sensation of muscle beneath clothing. Without moving an inch only his eyes shifted over and saw the outline of Yuuji’s body lying on his back and he was curled up against his side! ‘Oh, fuck!’

Fight or flight kicked into overdrive as Megumi sprang from the bed like a cat and bolted out of the room. Every nerve ending along his skin was on fire and his mind freaking out, praying Yuuji had slept through it all. ‘This is gonna be so awkward if— What the?!’

As soon as he made it out of the room, Megumi almost ran right smack into Gojo. The man had one hand on Megumi’s bedroom door and the other carried a cursed doll, like the one Yuuji had trained with to practice energy control. “What is that for?”

Realizing he was busted, Gojo slipped the doll behind his back. “Nothing. I was just gonna check on the progress.”

“Uh-huh…” Megumi’s eyebrow raised, instantly suspicious. “Well, let’s just check,” he opened the door himself and walked in. “What’s going on?!” He whipped around. “Are they finished?” Because his room looked exactly like he’d left it the morning before. And he meant exactly!

“Really?!” Gojo pretended to be surprised. “That was quick! Looks like you can move back in. Well, see you at breakfast.”

Gojo turned to leave but Megumi grabbed his shoulder.

“Oi! What the hell?! There was no construction was there you prick?!”

“Nonsense! They must’ve finished yesterday.”

Megumi narrowed a menacing glare at the teacher. “That damn doll was the one making all the noise, wasn’t it?”

“Um… no…”

“And you were about to plant it for a second day!”

“Of course, not! I’m just carrying it around…”

“You’re such a shit liar!”

“Careful Megumi, might wanna keep your voice down lest wake up Yuuji.”

“What do I care if he wakes up now?”

“He’ll find you missing and the bed empty and be sad.” Gojo grinned defiantly then took off in a sprint, cackling like a mad man down the hall.

Bastard pranked him! Megumi screamed as he took off after the man. “I’M GONNA KILL YOU!”

[maljic]

i have been working in the grocery industry practically my entire life. for many companies, and in many many positions. i’ve seen hurricane panic buys, i have seen post hurricane apocalypses, i have closed stores, and i have opened stores. i have been to backroom recoveries, i have worked small stores and big stores. i have seen h1n1, and i have now seen covid19. and even tho this is something unprecedented, all together it’s really not. the difference here is that it’s been going on for three weeks now and there is no end in sight. the duration is what’s so new. 

so i’ve started making notes every day after i got home. just the overall experience, but also customer comments and new things being implemented. it’s a fascination change, and i wanted to write it down to maybe sometime in the future come back to this time and remember anew. 

i plan on keeping notes for the foreseeable future, to keep writing a diary of sorts, to see if this ever levels out or escalates even more, if things change drastically or not at all. and if the fucking toilet paper situation ever goes away. 

things started to change the first week of march. it was super subtle, i didn’t even notice it at first. it was just a steady increase in business. a solid 20% ahead in sales all across the board. and even tho the virus was already in the news it didn’t cotton on right from the start. or it did, maybe, but i wasn’t expecting it to escalate to such heights.

tuesday, 03.10.2020 9am - 5pm

people are making their own hand sanitizer by mixing rubbing alcohol and aloe vera. we’re out of both. lady is asking me by the sun tan section about the state of deliveries of aloe vera gel. we get to talking. i admit that i don’t understand the people’s need for hand sanitizer since the cdc and every doctor ever recommends hand washing first and foremost. Susan comes out and says, ‘well the only thing that really can safe us from all this is...” and i retort with, “washing your hands, right?” but Susan claps back with, “the lord jesus christ.” and i had to excuse myself real quick and leave her ass on the aisle, because why are you fucking here then trying to potion together your own hand sanitizer, Severus, if all you need is god? 

a grown woman that’s working at the register is. coughing. non. stop. co workers comment on it to each other and to me, and i wonder if anyone has taken her aside to explain the current state of world events to her, and maybe asking her to cover her damn mouth. we’re all gonna die.

thursday, 03.12.2020 2pm - 10pm 11pm

parking is an absolute nightmare. i’m 10 mins late cause i can’t find a spot. welcome to hell. i ask my boss what the sales were yesterday and she says we’re 40% ahead of the forecast. which is ridiculous. at this point it’s pretty much a blanket permission for over time. we do not have the capacity to continue to run at this pace. people get worn out, we’re bound to get sick, and the customers are fucking relentless. truck is big. Karen and her brother Chad look at the soap section and wanna know when we get more hand sanitizer in. 

this lady is looking at things in the cold and flu section and we get to talking about shit and she mentions something she’s read on facebook and whoops my filter went poofgone and i tell her that i hope facebook dies along with all this corona virus flu and have a good evening.

at the end of my shift after we’ve finished stocking and cleaning up, i stay longer because there’s still a fuck ton of people in the store but we only have two registers open. i check people out until 11 and then peace out. one dude dropped $650 on groceries.

friday, 03.13.2020 11am - 7pm

“where is the hand sanitizer?” Karen asks. i refrain from shouting at her to get outta my face. the store is absolutely packed. lines of lengths i haven’t ever witnessed. lines and lines of people with full bascarts of stuff. the end is nigh and we are here with a front row view of it. we have a small parking lot, and i have no idea where these people’s cars are? i didnt know we could fit that many people in the store. whats the fire marshall’s max capacity guidelines? someone should review those. meanwhile i’m trying to navigate around everybody and put things on shelves that don’t last very long.

the grocery truck arrives around 3 ish and paper products get thrown out first. usually, when the truck arrives it stays locked until the night crew shows up. we’re set up to always have a trailer at the store, so when the guy shows up he unhitches his trailer, and hitches up under another trailer which was the previous day’s grocery truck, which got emptied off groceries when the night crew stocks, and then got filled with stacks of empty pallets, paper bales, and other reusable thinks like plastic trays the meat comes in, or the eggs come in, or produce plastic trays, things like that. so now that we’re in the apocalypse of paper products, the day crew gets those pallets out on the sales floor asap. at this point we have reduced the quantities of things you’re allowed to take to 3. 3 packs of toilet paper, 3 packs of paper towels... also 3 of lysol wipes and 3 of hand sanitizers even tho we dont have any, calm down, Karen. paper products are gone within an hour. 

my company makes an absolute killing that day.

saturday, 03.14.2020 10ish to whenever. 

my boss said she was coming in (on her off day) so i said yo, mind if i sleep in a bit? i was scheduled 7am and if i don’t have to i don’t want to. she said ok. i rock up at 10:08. things stop showing up on deliveries. the diaper area is sad looking. people have started to buy us out of baby wipes. there’s a problem coming at us in about 2 months. you cant flush baby wipes but since the toilet paper situation is what it is, people will wipe their butts with wet wipes. have fun with that, dallas county utility department (or whoever messes with the water wastes). 

displays are dwindling. we are not getting product, so we are filling the shelves in the aisles with the stuff that’s on displays. it’s a bit wonky looking. there’s half an endcap with shampoo and then the rest of it is filled with hersheys. its upside down world. but we have to keep things full. with whatever. empty shelves are bad bad bad, but empty endcaps are a cardinal sin. 

people waste so much food when they’re shopping. now that the shelves are getting and staying empty, people will just put things everywhere when they decide against buying the items. bags of chips, six packs of beer, gatorade whatever. that’s not really waste. but we also see bags of salad, frozen items, meats. we are currently not in the position to walk the store every half hour and collect these things. these things are all now wasted and will get thrown out. not the chips, i’m talking about the temp controlled things. being cold to the touch is not enough. shit aint safe. 

monday, 03.16.2020 8am - 4 pm 6pm

truck is gigantic. never ever have i seen a truck that big. so everything that my boss was fantasizing about me doing gets thrown out the window when the truck hits the backdoor at 11 am. everybody who is scheduled for truck is given the option to come in early. and stay until it’s all stocked. or until you’re exhausted. i help with the pharmacy stuff because that’s the biggest part. i stay until 6pm. then i’m out. 

people would like to know where the hand sanitizer is, well, sugar, so. do. i. it’s the one item that has been out since the end of february, and people are absolutely gob smacked when you tell them it’s currently unavailable. i try to appease them with some hand soap, but, stupidly, people dont want to hear that. i’m thinking to myself that in about a week soap will also be unavailable, but to each their own. customers believe that we, the workers, know the exact day and time when lysol wipes will be stocked. but when you tell them that soap is getting scarce they look at you like you’re speaking a different language.

company wide, we are not allowed to order anything right now. which is huge. how it usually works is: our system knows at all times how many items we have in the store, as per bar code, and knows how much will fit on the shelves, how much we’re selling every day/hour, and then there’s the forecasting factor. so the system will order stuff based on sold quantities, automatically. all the time. if we need extra stuff for sales and/or displays and whatnot, we order extra. 

the computer system wouldnt know, for instance, that there was a tornado in oct that wiped out our electricity and that of most of our customers, so we changed orders to reflect that. no frozen things, lots more batteries, ice, coolers. 

a lot of things ride on added orders, which are now out

from here on in, everything is up to the system, and to the powers that be. if there’s soap in the warehouse, we will get allocated with every store in the area so that everyone gets equal amounts or close to. hoarding is, apparently, frowned upon at this level too. 

tuesday, 03.17.2020 2pm - 10pm

i have come to hate the soap aisle. used to always be my favorite. so long, soap aisle, we’ve had a good run. tonight i’m stocking the pharmacy area (cold and flu, pain meds, tummy stuff, those sort of things). truck is small. super small. i try helping customers as much as i can, but most of my end of the conversation is no, sorry, we dont have any. backstocks are dwindling. the backroom is emptying out. we rely on truck deliveries for things to do and products to be put out. “do you have any [insert product here] in the back?” is the most asked questions. “there’s nothing in the back.” is the most uttered sentence all day. 

people obviously do to not get what social distance means. every aisle is packed with shoppers. i’m wasting a lot of time trying to stay out of people’s paths, but people lingeeeerrrrr what the fuck. the mayor of dallas shut everything down to flatten the curve yet here all these fuckers are doing their god damn grocery shopping like it’s 3 months ago. get in, get stuff, get out. i try conjuring up some gas to clear the aisle, but the farts won’t come

go home, people. i wish i could.

somehow our store has become the hub in our area. we get trucks in the afternoon with produce and meat, and people from other stores around us show up in trucks and suvs to transport product between stores. i’ve seen so many people that i hadn’t seen in years because they’re coming by getting shit in the afternoon. 

we lost one of our baristas. she’s retired but works with us the maximal allotted hours per week the government allows you before they yank your money. she’s living in senior housing (cause its cheap) and they’ve completely locked down and she is unable to come to work. her boss funnels her groceries. and they face time a lot. she’s doing ok.

wednesday, 03.18.2020 10am - 6pm

parking lot semi full, too full for a wednesday. toilet paper situation is unchanged. but alas there’s no grocery truck scheduled tonight so this is not changing until tomorrow. i’m talking to three separate people desperate for some toilet roll (lol, i love how this pandemic makes me learn new terms, hi, united kingdom, i see you - toilet roll, i love it). anyways, i explain to all three the truck schedule and how to best strategize to get some butt wipes: truck is 6 days a week, wednesday being the no truck day. when the truck arrives, usually what happens is that the paper products get stocked immediately, to make room in the back room and to alleviate the situations. be in the store at around 3ish? 3:30ish, and hang out. i explain that i don’t want to encourage anybody to spend their afternoon in the store for obvi reasons, but when you gotta go you gotta go. alternately, hang out in your car, and when you see a truck pull behind the store around mid day, chances are in about 30 mins you shall have paper. people appreciate the info. 

i’m in the candy aisle trying to stock a case of twizzlers. we’re using shopping carts to stock, it’s way more flexible than lugging around huge stocking carts, especially now with the store being so crowded. this dude rocks up and asks me if i’m panic hoarding with all those boxes in my cart. he looks at me with a straight face and thinks he’s making a point. meanwhile i’m in full uniform and people around are starting to roll their eyes. i drop the box of twizzlers into my cart (its super heavy and dude is creating a scene). my box cutter comes out and i make a show of clicking the blade out while explaining to douche canoodle that i’m working here, excuse me, and cut into the tape of the box. moron. 

there’s a few people that i’ve seen every day this week. and they’re all advanced in their age. i get that the store is your second home cause you’re lonely, but right now is really not the time. go home. 

the question i hate the most is: when are you gonna get more soap in. the honest answer? no fucking clue, Karen. if i could predict the future i wouldn’t be working here. 

thursday, 03.19.2020 10am - 6pm

there was no grocery truck last night so shelves are still as empty as they were when i left last night. still, parking lot is semi full. we’ve seem to have gotten a decent produce truck, bananas everywhere. great. my boss’s plan for me is to: whatever truck is back there, and then easter. which means i walk the back room, collect anything and everything that belongs to our department, and get it on the shelves. there’s nothing back there except a chocolate delivery which arrived on the dairy truck. a huge amount, by normal standards. at least people are still enjoying some candy. 

by 3pm it’s made the rounds that one of the guys for our dept isn’t coming in: allergies. okay then. truck is not too big, i help out with that until it’s time to hit the time clock. 

times are tough, and i’m a good-natured person that can dish out jokes and emphasize with you and cumbaja we’re all in this together and all the other bullshit we’re telling ourselves to make us feel better. but when dudebro comes down the soap aisle and bemoans the state of the shelves (empty) and then goes into a rant about his two parents, immunocompromised, at home, out of soap, almost getting loud and making it seem like its my fault that we don’t have what you want, then no. i’m all out of fucks to give. meanwhile, people of the free world, have you forgotten that hand washing soap does not only come in little pump bottles that you can cutsify your sink with but also LOOK AT ALL THE BARSOAP, back in the days we used that to wash our hands. calm down and take some irish spring to your parents. 

grocery truck arrives. big time. in the good ole days of yester year we would get one trailer daily, most of the time not even full. we’ve been ramping it up to 2 most of the last two weeks. (and by we i mean we as a society, buying everything on the shelves and not being satisfied and always wanting more).  today it was three. one of which with nothing but water. the others with lots of toilet roll and paper towels. and the usual stuff of canned goods and the likes. nothing will last tho, nothing is forever. 

we have this one guy who works here who has, i believe, severe arthritis and is hygiene wise very challenged. he isn’t very mobile and does super light duty but he’s worked here a long time. i haven’t seen him in a few days. i wonder if he is just off, or if he said fuck it and stayed home. 

the grown ass woman at the register is still coughing. and not covering her mouth. asswipe. 

saturday 03.21.2020 7am - 3pm 6pm

“when do you expect more hand sanitizer in?” 

i have no idea what you’re talking about, hand sanitizer was never a thing. lemme ask you this: is it berenstein bears where you come from? 

people still want to shop brand loyal. i die inside a little bit every time someone turns their nose up at an alternative to their regular, “oh but we don’t use that brand.” dude didn’t you just say you needed vitamin c? was that a lie? here’s the damn vitamin c. it’s vitamin c, not, i don’t know, fucking coca cola. go home.

corporate finally came down and said we’re allowed to wear ppe now. like some of us haven’t since three weeks ago. i finally turned and went all ‘two by two hands of blue’ as well, and it’s really not as bothersome as i thought it would be.  

weekends are now slower than weekdays. i have no idea why that is. and i’m not really sure if these past weekends have been slow, or just normal, and the weekdays are just crazy. i have lost all points of reference. it’s still busy. but is it the same busy it’s always been on a saturday and now we just have more checkers? 

the company is desperately trying to hire more people. i don’t know if the new vigorous ad campaign is working yet? it’s a job, sure, especially in these times, but the starting pay is still barely above minimum wage so in any case people will collect unemployment which could still be more than they’d make working here i’m just saying. 

the only real perk right now is that whoever works for a grocery store has first dibs on stuff. and if you believe we don’t have a “family and friends stash” in the back of all the items that are scarce then you don’t know how the world works. a friend of mine with health problems came to shop at our store today because we do have more stuff than what i’ve been hearing is going on in surrounding areas.  and i was able to give her two cans of disinfectant wipes. another friend asked me if we had any loo roll, and they just came by my place to pick it up, cash on arrival. 

we also extend (or well, i do extend) the stash to customers who always have been courteous. and believe me, after working in one location for a few years you know exactly who’s an asshole and who isn’t. we are essential, we are important, and we’ve been known that forever. we just never got treated like that. people are thankful that we’re working, that we’re doing our best (like if we could afford to just take two weeks off to self isolate, yeah right), and it’s good to finally walk the store with your head held high, to finally feel the appreciation. we are the kings of the toilet paper and it’s fucking fantastic. 

the store manager (or the company, i’m not sure) bought lunch today for everybody. and there might be a texas rule of no gatherings of more than 10 people, but y’all should’ve seen the break room today at noon. we they feasted (i took two slices and went out back to enjoy) thanks for lunch, boss. 

we still haven’t implemented “senior hours,” and i hate that. 

hygiene challenged dude is back at work. so he just had his two days off. 

monday 03.23.2020 12pm - 9pm

people keep insisting on shopping “normally” and it’s mind boggling. if you go to the store for 5 things or 50 things, it’s fine either way. but please make a list at home and roll with it. do not linger in aisles, do not pick up 3 different items and stand there to study the, i don’t know what the fuck, ingredients? country of origin? manufacturer? i have no earthly idea why you gotta look at a bottle of suave shampoo so intently and just. stay. there. reading it like its a new product on the market. go home.

people just waste so much freakin time in the store. they run into acquaintances and have to have a conversation right there when other customers have to walk around you. please stop, please please stop that. please. get in, get your stuff, and get out. if we dont have your fave available right now come back next week, it’s bound to be back unless it’s something like hand sanitizer or over the counter meds. please. go home.

the shopping pattern has changed. there’s all the action in the mornings now. tons of people, full parking lots, all in the morning. i understand it’s because people are under the impression everything gets restocked over night. which is half true. but whatever. i mean people shop all throughout the day and it’s still busy but the bulk is in the morning.

speaking of: senior hours finally!!! i’m stoked.

i feel like i’m getting fed up with customer questions so it’s usually short retorts and no eyes contact. one guy asked me where the aloe vera is and he asked very friendly and from a few feet away and i was sort of a dick to him. i felt bad immediately and rephrased my answer. yikes.

on the upside also, my work buddy was throwing water all day long. poor guy. he said something like 9 pallets of 24 packs. at one point they were replenishing a display and people grabbed water from the display instead of the pallet, and he was like, “you guys are killing me, man, please take it from the pallet and not the display. every pack you take from the pallet is a pack less i have to move.” a couple of dudes then took over stocking duty from him and threw the rest of the pallet to fill the display. how fucking nice. good eggs all around.

backroom looks like we got a crap ton of paper products. a crap ton. something like, i’m estimating, 12 pallets. so they’ve been staggering it throughout the afternoon but also kept lots in the back for senior hours tomorrow morning. it really looks like that part is getting almost back to normal. lmao fingers crossed.

no eggs tho, today. all gone.

hot shot trucks still show up in the afternoon with produce and meat. and other stores still come by to transfer stuff to their location.

company lunch today was from torchy’s taco. i abstained cause i had just eaten at home. but gatherings of 10 or more people had been had in the break room again. no idea if it was paid for by our company or if torchy’s was just getting rid of a bulk of their perishables.

some dude threw a fit about the limits on certain items. i think his beef was with water and how he’s seen someone take more than three. calm down, asshole.

tuesday 03.24.2020 10am - 5pm 

it’s slow in the store. dallas county has a shelter in place ordinance right now and it’s just a slow and steady trickle of customers. the weather also has turned from grey and misty, to sunshine and 80ies. i hate it. i want my grey and misty back. and because it’s nice outside there’s a lot of people on walks and bike rides. there’s a trail behind the store and when i step out back i see people all the times. still keeping their social distance but people non the less.

we’ve finally got our hands on one of the people from the agency that has provided us with help. our girl is super nice and friendly and she works hard. i hope we’ll get to keep her in our department for however long theyre working with us. altogether there’s about 15-20 people in the store from the agency. they’re tasked with sacking groceries, cleaning shopping carts, cleaning shelves and helping to stock. it’s wonderful. they get paid $13, which is more than what you make starting out in the store.

it almost felt like it wasn’t a covid day. after what the covidiot in the wh said on monday, i was a bit unsure if non essentials would reopen (especially since the mayor just shut dallas down). it was weird. it seemed like customers stayed away because a) they went back to work or b) it’s too nice to grocery shop. but that’s prob only my stupid brain making things up.

there were two incidents, both of which weren’t covid related but needed security: a dude tried to walk out with two cases of beer (theft is a thing that happens in our store a lot) but somehow he had half the store chasing after him. i was outside taking my break when all the sudden this guy comes towards me with beer in each hand. where i was, there was no exit away from the store unless you wanted to jump the fence. and he sure did. launched himself and the beer over it. they chased him off (no one touched him, i wanna add, and no one would touch him too, even if we weren’t in the current time),  but got their beer back. that was an adrenaline shock i didn’t need. the second one was a lady at the pharmacy not happy with the speed of the pharmacist and she got upset that her meds weren’t ready to be picked up. she made quite a scene with cursings and such so security was called. they are doing their best at the pharmacy but just like every other department they are swamped with prescriptions.  

it was super slow and i left an hour early. went home and ate and passed out for 12 hours.

wednesday 03.25.2020 7am - 3pm

it’s probs the first time i’m on the road this early on a weekday during the self isolation period. it’s quite busy on the highway. but still no real traffic.

store is still slow but steady. i see a few customers with big bascarts and shopping lists going about their business urgent like. on the inside i was applauding their readiness and their commitment for getting it done. thank you dear customers. buy a whole cart and get the heck outta dodge. *chefs kiss*

help girl from the agency is with me today. i like her more and more. she gets it all done. baby wipes are still off and on, some days we have them, sometimes we’re out. we found 3 small cases of hand soap in the back (6 bottles each) and they are gone quickly. i’m working through shippers/displays (we’ve finally got a smattering in) but most of it goes straight to the shelves. i’m able to make some sense to one of the half shampoo/half hersheys end caps, and my eye finally stops twitching from the weirdness.

grocery truck schedule has changed and now we’re getting them also on wednesdays (for the time being). one trailer of toilet roll and paper towels, and one of canned goods and boxes and pantry stuffs. and maybe some lysol but who knows.

it’s still sunny and 80ies out, so more runners and bikers on the trail behind the store. still social distancing tho.

the news said someone from a grocery store of another chain was diagnosed. and then through the grapevine i heard that someone from our chain (not our store) also got diagnosed and is in the hospital. wash your hands. get in, get your stuff, and get out. stay safe out there.

friday 03.27.2020 9am - 5pm

there’s this lady in the store, little old lady, just wandering and shopping and whatnot for, i kid you not, 2 hours. what in the world? she’s wearing a mask, kinda like a “let me put this mask on cause i’m sanding something in the garage” you know that kind of mask. but it’s only covering her mouth? what is she doing. where is your family? do they know where you are and what you’re up to. seriously someone come get their auntie.

there’s stickers all over the floor by the registers “PLEASE WAIT HERE” reminding people to stay the heck away from each other. it’s working sometimes. people are patient.

this one lady asks me if we have this, and shows me her phone with a pic of the item like she is seriously standing 6 feet away stretching her arm as far as it’ll go. i appreciate it. she insists that the app tells her it’s in stock here. i ran out of ways to explain that the app doesnt keep up with inventory, only states that we carry it, not whether we actually have it in stock. it’s a surface disinfectant. we dont have it in stock.

rando people say their thanks that we’re working, that they appreciate it, thank you thank you. i have yet to learn how to respond to that. “youre welcome?” “oh sure!” “no problem” nothing feels right. me and my co workers all wish we could work from home, or take a few weeks off, without losing our jobs and benefits. it’s weird. how do you respond to that?

we’ve managed to stay in stock on toilet tissue all day long. one brand, one size, mind you. but! all day long! yes, toilet paper, on aisle 18!!!!

sales have leveled. business is returning to normal.

saturday 03.28.2020 7am - 3 pm

some lady lost her cool today and in her frustration she dead ass kicked over a display of gum. lmao, yikes.

every morning we have a little meeting in the store for all the department heads, or if they’re off, for whoever plays department head for that day. on saturdays that’s me. we call them huddles, although now we can’t call them that anymore because huddle doesn’t really scream social distancing. so now they’ll call it morning communication.

while walking the store today i found, get this, a bottle of purell. it was hidden behind other product. i immediately checked my surroundings (no one there) and then went and hid it in the back room. my immuno challenged friend had asked me for some for a while.

really nothing else going on. it was quiet in the morning and then a storm blew through, and then it was just gorgeous out. so the store got busier and busier. our truck was scheduled to be quite big, but it was late and i wasn’t gonna just hang around until who knows when.

monday 03.30.2020 2pm - 10pm

the break room is completely empty of chairs and tables. that’s new. just last week everyone crowded in, employees and management alike, whenever there was free lunch. and even tho one tells them, or points out that, hey, this is a bit more than technically should be in a closed space like this? all one gets back is, oh hahaha, yeah you’re probably right, but nothing changed. so now the break room is empty. only, i dont know, everyone here works on their feet, either standing (poor checkers) or standing and walking. for up to eight hours. there’s gonna be some people who will just have to sit down for 30 mins during their breaks. this was a company wide, or district wide decision, this wasn’t something our management came up with. and here’s the thing. admittedly, some higher ups in our company are seriously not the sharpest tacks in the box. and i’m not saying that you have to have a degree to make certain decisions, but it helps if you have some sort of,  i don’t know, compassion, deductive reasoning, two brain cells to rub together. i, personally, will hardly be found in the break room, i don’t use it. but it’s absolutely clear to me that taking away the opportunity to let people rest is a recipe for disaster.

tuesday, 03.31.2020 2pm - 10pm

so, the owner of the dallas mavericks (basket ball) donated hand sanitizers to our company, for use of company employees. which, thanks, Mark, that was super sweet of you. no really. IF I SEE ONE CO WORKER USE THIS INSTEAD OF WASHING THEIR HANDS I WILL NOT BE MADE RESPONSIBLE FOR MY ACTIONS. wash your god damned hands people. hand sanitizer will never be able to do what soap and water can do. why is that such a big problem to understand.

the break room has a couple of chairs and tables in it now, and a sign on the door that reads “6 people limit, 6 feet apart.” yikes.

its the end of the month and people got paid so the store is getting busier. tomorrow is the first and i’m sure we’ll be packed. please take the following to heart: SHOP ALONE. don’t bring your wifey or hubby or roommate or kids. ok bring your kids if you have no one to watch them. do not use the grocery store as your family outing cause its the only spot you think youre allowed to go. it’s not. youre allowed to go for walks, in front of your house, in your neighborhood, heck, walk a circle around the store if you want, but don’t bring everybody into the store. social distancing is easier achieved if there’s less people to stay away from. be smart, think ahead. and if you think that shopping with two people makes it go faster? it’s not. cause you’re gonna argue over the choices made, you’re gonna veto your shopping buddies choice of beans and your gonna walk every aisle twice instead of once. and there will be more people touching more things and i could really do with less of that.

wednesday 04.01.2020 11am - 7pm

there’s a distillery in kansas who has converted their production to make hand sanitizer (or sanitizer in general) and we have received a shipment of, i think, two pallets. the fun part? they are the size and shape of vodka bottles.

they’re selling for $8 and we put a limit of 1 per family. they look super neat. it’s a plastic bottle, too. i don’t use hand sanitizer and i dont need it and there are people who need these i guess but i want one so badly. just as a, you know, reminder, a token, of these crazy times. i’m not gonna get one (but i kinda want one).

they have finally installed screens at the registers. and new rules came down from corporate: social distancing is the highest priority, hygiene is the highest priority. we are only going to operate 3 (out of 6) registers so that we can ensure that there’s enough space for everyone to feel safe. i have also spent 2 hours today thinning out displays that are cluttering up the sales floor so that we can encourage everyone to keep apart.

starting tomorrow, every employee will get their temp taken when they arrive to work. if the temp is too high you will be sent home (but paid for that day) and only be let back in to work if your temp stays normal for 72 hours without the help of meds.

pay has been increased by $2/h.

friday 04.03.2020 9am - 5pm

face masks everywhere.

like 80% of everybody started donning masks, scarves and homemade things to cover their lower face. face masks are a stark reminder that everyone should keep apart. it’s like an extra “hey, remember how we’re all potentially sick with something deadly? stay away.” i appreciate the effect it has.

there are about 5 different announcements over the PA, one about washing your hands and sneezing/coughing into your elbows, one about senior hours (which have changed now to tue, thu and sat morning), one about social distancing (about the length of two shopping carts!), one about “we’re all in this together” and one about us employees and how we’re doing so much more than our job right now.

ive stopped greeting customers. i smile maybe, since it’s something so ingrained into our brain, but i won’t speak unnecessarily.

the store is absolutely packed. the suggestion of staying away until the 3rd or the 4th that ive seen all over the internets seems to have cottoned on and now we’re slammed. with only 3 registers open now (to keep room between registers) the lines are down the aisles. one of the guys on the registers told me he loved it. it’s waaay less crowding around the registers, safer for the workers).

we have two entrances (the main one and a smaller one) and they closed the smaller one because it’s very tight there and doesn’t really work with trying to stay away from each other. it’s not locked, it’s just closed. no idea about the fire marshall code, but i have worked in bigger stores with only one main entrance so maybe it’s not part of any code.

i saw a woman with a vegas golden knights shirt and i miss hockey.

saturday 04.04.2020 7am - 5:30pm

my first day during senior hours, and admittedly we’ve only recently changed that but there are tons of people in the store and not a lot of seniors. but what do i know they all could be immunocompromised.

in our morning huddle communications meeting the store manager is spitting out a lot of numbers and percentiles and such, basically sales are still through the roof, even with the slower week we’ve had. it’s funny how there’s really no reference point anymore. forecasts and budgets have all been altered due to the situation but even those are still behind. the agency people aren’t with us anymore (since sunday) and i can see maybe 2 new people - but i’m not a reliable source for that because i don’t inter-mingle with other departments that much so i dont even know the regulars so i have no clue who is new. but we’re still running on basically the same people we’ve always had with this increased business.

aceotone is the new toilet paper. cant find it on the shelves, the warehouse is out and people are constantly asking for it. this one guy had me in stitches. he was shopping for the fam and had a list from his wife and you know, acetone, cuticle cream all the stuff you need to take care of your nails after you rip off the fake ones. i used to get my nails done so i gave him advice as best i could  and pointed to some products, but no acetone. about five minutes later she finds me on the same aisle again and shows me a can of paint stripper with the word acetone in huge letters on it. i died. i told him that if his wife used that they are about to have a whole other set of problems. we both laughed. he had a great sense of humor. now go home, dude.

the side door that was closed on friday is open again. not surprised.

we are getting absolutely slammed with business. it’s a mad house. you can always tell when people start to park their cars on the fire lanes around the store. there’s just no more parking.

i do see a lot of single shoppers tho, which is so great. and then you got the families just sticking out like sore thumbs. and young college kids usually shop in threes or fours. but everybody is still taking way too much time. there was an article i read on local grocers and how some already reduced the people inside the stores and how every business is going to follow suit so we will see.

we ran out of eggs. and biscuits.  and no significant numbers of paper products all week.

monday 04.06.2020 2pm - 10pm

fuck these customers, man

wednesday 04.08.2020 7am - 3pm

my company will not limit the customer count in the store. at least not in this state. when the whole thing started there was an email about store hours and they listed basically every division of our company and their changed hours - except, you guessed it, ours. i have a feeling they are going off of what other companies are doing around here, so unless theyre limiting people, we won’t. that’s my opinion. after work i realized i forgot butter and swung by a store (from a different company) close to home and they havent limited entrance either. they did have markings on the floor to encourage one way traffic down aisles, and i guess we’re gonna do that too. but nothing else. i did see smaller chains have started to limit people but not companies we’re competing with. so much for that. i guess first we need to have a few positive cases in order for them to change anything. the dollar speaks volumes, eh?

i saw this article a few days ago and i keep thinking about it. it basically sums up everything that’s going through all our minds every day. (i have no idea who this website is, i saw it and i read it and it spoke to me so dont come at me if it’s something weird - i just wanted to provide a source)

I manage a grocery store.

Here’s some things everyone should know

1. I don’t have toilet paper 2. I don’t have sanitizer 3. I run out of milk, eggs and meat daily 4. I promise if it’s out on the shelf … it’s not in a hidden corner of our backroom.

Those are the predictable ones, now for the real stuff

5. I have been doing this for 25 years I did not forget how to order product. 6. I did not cause the warehouse to be out of product/ 7. I schedule as much help as I have, including many workers working TONS of overtime to help YOU. 8. I am sorry there are lines at the check out lanes.

Now for the really important stuff:

9. My team puts themselves in harm’s way every day so you can buy groceries. 10. My team works tirelessly to get product on the floor for you to buy. 11. My team is exhausted. 12. My team is scared of getting sick. 13. My team is human and does not possess an antivirus… they are in just as much danger as you are. (Arguably more) but they show up to work every day just so you can buy groceries 14. My team is tired. 15. My team is very under-appreciated. 16. My team is exposed to more people who are potentially infected in one hour than most of you will in a week (medical community excluded, thank you for all that you do!). 17. My team is abused all day by customers who have no idea how ignorant they are. 18. My team disinfects every surface possible, everyday, just so you can come in grab a wipe from the dispenser, wipe the handle and throw the used wipe in the cart or on the ground and leave it there… so my team can throw it in the trash for you later. 19. My team wonders if you wash your re-usable bags, that you force us to touch, that are clearly dirty and have more germs on them than our shopping carts do. 20. My team more than earns their breaks, lunches and days off. And if that means you wait longer I am sorry.

The last thing I will say is this:

The next time you are in a grocery store, please pause and think about what you are saying and how you are treating the people you encounter. They are the reason you are able to buy toilet paper, sanitizer, milk, eggs, and meat.

If the store you go to is out of an item.. maybe find the neighbor or friend that bought enough for a year … there are hundreds of them… and ask them to spare 1 or 2. They caused the problem to begin with…

And lastly, please THANK the people who helped you. They don’t have to come to work!

[dumbwaystodeviate]

-60 swapping into 51's body and machine 9s being the only to notice the change deviates to arrest the body snatcher and find out what happened to RK800-51.

Nines was very good at noticing things. He noticed when people were lying or when they were nervous, when there had been an attempt to wash evidence away or when they were hiding a medical issue. He made good use of his scanning programs and so did the rest of the DPD. It make things so much more obvious that it was hard to hide anything from the advanced android, not even Connor had been able to trick him and not for the lack of trying.

Despite how good he was at finding things and figuring them out, that didn’t mean his human was as good at it and this caused problems because he needed to be given the ok to act on it. He knew Hank shouldn’t be eating certain things, but just the observation of that didn’t allow him to go stop the man. He also knew at times Gavin sure as hell shouldn’t be having coffee and yet…

“Detective, it is nearing 5pm. It is ill advised to be having caffeine as such an hour. It will hurt your sleep scheduled.” He tried to reason, he know what the man was like on half sleep.

“Oh fuck off, will you? What are you my nanny? I’m not going to finish getting shit done if i’m half awake.” Gavin barely glanced sideways at Nines before finishing the drink.

It wouldn’t be considered unreasonable to take the drink to stop him, it’s what Connor would do with Hank at times, but Nines had no choice but to leave him be. It wasn’t even just the humans, both RKs could get into their own mischief as well. While it would be easier for him to stop it, it seems the humans didn’t want him to. He supposed it was because they couldn’t see the issues that came with ignoring things.

This became a issue in late December. The RK had followed his orders to the lever like the good little machine he was when Connor and Hank had walked back into the station, the day before having been absent. It all seemed normal as can be but an android as smart and perceptive as Nines couldn’t be fooled.

He could see that Connor was acting diffrent. A bit more sass and a touch less warmth in his eyes, sharper even, despite having the same model number and clothes as Connor did. Nines wasn’t stupid, he could see classic Sixty behavior under the mask trying hard to act like Connor. The android had a habit of getting into things but this was too far, while it was still being debated as legal or not it was still frowned upon and banned until a resolution could be found. Not to mention the two RKs history in the tower and averseness to each other lended itself to a bad preconstruction.

Immediately, he made his way to Hank, tugging on his coat. “Lieutenant, what happened to Connor?”

“The fuck you talking about? He’s right there.” Hank jerked his head to ‘Connor’ and it made Nines frown. 

“That isn’t Connor, that is Sixty. We need to find out what happened.” He might be a machine but he still had a draw to Connor, and it gave him instabilities to think something was wrong.

The Lieutenant gave him an odd look before shaking his head. “Nines, leave him be. I don’t know what kind of bug you got but Connor’s always been Connor.”

The order was set and Nines programming had him walking back to his desk, but it still bugged him for hours, watching the impostor running around acting as Hank’s partner. He knew damn well this wasn’t Connor, why wouldn’t Hank listen? It soon became clear everyone else thought the same, and it made errors pop constantly. He knew Humans weren’t that good at seeing things like this, hence his being here, but this was so obvious??

Lunchtime came and Hank left on his own to get food, leaving ‘Connor’ at his desk to finish some work. He watched the other RK lean back in his seat and fiddle with a pen, feet kicked up on the desk in the most un-con like way that it made Nines’ systems twitch. He had to find out what happened to Connor but his protocols told him to listen to Hank. Where was Connor? Why is Sixty here? It ate away as his orders like mice, scratching and screeching with the want to know and deal with the body snatcher. 

The foundation under the red wall of orders came out, and like a jenga tower everything else fell with it and cleared the Rk’s path. He couldn’t just let Sixty do this, he had to help Connor. It took but a few seconds to get his plan, prompting him out his seat and to the other’s desk.

“Connor, I was wondering if you could assist me down in the evidence room? I was hoping to go over some pieces with you.” Nines wasn’t sure he liked deviancy yet, not with how calling Sixty Connor made him feel.

‘Connor’ gave him a skeptical look, but nodded and followed him down to the lockers, and the 900 was glad he had a damn good poker face.

Once they were in he locked the doors and grabbed the other RK in a head lock. “Okay, Sixty, what did you do with Connor?”

The LED on Sixty blinked yellow but he held his hands up. “Relaaax, Connor’s fine.”

For once, Nines had the ability to make faces and he chose to scrunch it. “And how am I to believe that while you stand here with his body?”

“Damn, you’re protective. As bad as Hank. He wanted to… test out… another type of body, and since mine had been damaged and he needed someone to cover for him he lent me his.” Sixty held his hand out, which Nines took to start an interface.

What he saw was so incredibly stupid that had he not already deviated he would have then and there. Connor had apparently gotten a tiny, toy like body for himself as a backup should something happen to his own. One that proudly showed off puppy ears and a tail on it’s two foot form as he curled up to Hank happily. And Nines finally understood what Connor was doing, letting go of Sixty only to cover his eyes in exasperation.

[untoldtalesofasinner]

Oddly True

Flower-Gathering

 I left you in the morning,

And in the morning glow,

You walked a way beside me

To make me sad to go.

Do you know me in the gloaming,

Gaunt and dusty grey with roaming?

Are you dumb because you know me not,

Or dumb because you know?

 All for me? And not a question

For the faced Glowers gay

That could take me from beside you

For the ages of a day?

They are yours, and be the measure

Of their worth for you to treasure,

The measure of the little while

That I’ve been long away.

 R. Frost

  Its been four days since I have left my bed. Its been four days since a light has been on in the house. The metaphorical light has been dim to nonexistent for some time. I lay on my side watching the sun rise through the cracks of the blinds. My body aches, probably from being in bed for so long or from the tension of my stressed muscles refusal to sleep. The hours go by as the missed notifications and text messages continue to roll in. I make the first movement in hours which is turning my phone on do not disturb and delete all the apps I have notifications for then stare at the dark tv screen. Somehow the lull soothe me to sleep but it isn’t peaceful and dream free as hoped. I wake up to what feels like days later but its only been a couple hours. My body is hot and sticky, its also been four days since I’ve showered. The ache in my bones knocks and reminds me that the hot water might help. I drag myself from the bed and turn on one light. Progress.

The water is too hot but I let it burn my skin. Being naked and vulnerable in the shower makes the nakedness and vulnerability I feel on the inside much more prominent. Suddenly I want to get out of the shower but I am being held down by the thick steam. I manage to wash my hair and body but the pressure in my chest builds and I can’t breath. Shutting the water off before all the suds have been removed from my body, I yank the towel off the hook not even managing to wrap the whole thing around before pulling the bathroom door open. My breath comes in short huffs and I begin to shake. Firmly pressing my back to the wall I slide down to the floor hoping it gives me steadiness or maybe a sense of security. Minutes pass and I wrap my shaking arms around my knees, if I get small enough it will go away or hopefully I will disappear as a whole. Its not going to go away this time is it?

Water from my hair drips down my back its cold but it doesn’t feel cold. The vibration of my body has dulled but my hands still shake. An overwhelming urge to get out of this house, this state, this country fuck this skin takes over, not in waves but concrete, filling from my toes slowly to my head. I have to get out of this country. I keep running from state to state but that hasn’t provided any relief so far, well relief for long. I know I am running from my problems or whatever makes my body glued to the bed every morning and makes my eyes water every night but I can’t help it.

To Maddie: I need a no questions favor.

I’m happy I haven’t completely shut the world yet as my plan this morning was going to drown my phone instead of switching on a simple DND. How convenient technology has become.

From Maddie: Okay…..

To Maddie: I need you to go to my parents house get my passport and overnight it to me.

To Wanda: Where is my passport?

God, I knew when I was visiting recently I should’ve taken it. I have also brought it upon myself to enlist a middleman. I simply can’t ask my parents to send my passport so urgently. They believe that I am on day four of my new job and about to begin my long journey of going back to college. I mean part of it is still true just a very small part. To avoid any suspicion the middleman is required no longer preferred.

To Maddie: I’ll pay you

From Maddie: What is the overnight cut off?

To Maddie: I don’t know I just need it as soon as possible.

I begin to look forward to a long flight hoping I can sleep restless free or it just won’t seem that way with a plane full of restless passengers to drown me out.

From Maddie: The cut off is at 5PM and I have an appointment at 4:15PM. Does it have to be today?

I don’t reply.

My chest tightens and I rub my face in frustration. A dream is slipping away, no not a dream a salvation. Peeling myself from the floor to dress I stare into the closet at the multiple suitcases. I refuse to give up. I don’t want to spend the money and I don’t want to give into the never ending impression of my running from the world. But its too late I’ve made up my mind, perpetual disappointment seems to follow me anyways. If I can’t get my passport a whole wrench will be thrown to my plans. I don’t want to be limited to domestic, yuck. I play with the though of New York and scout another minion.

To Anthony: I need you to call me when you get out of school its important.

My phone rings and I almost miss it because of that damn dnd but I answer quickly trying to mental math the time zone difference.

“Are you out of school? I ask.

“No I just stepped out of class.” He says waiting for me to get to the point clear worry in his tone. Fuck.

“I need you to find my passport at home and overnight it to me.” I quickly blurt out. He’s quite.

“I asked your mom where she left it but I haven’t heard back and really need it as soon as possible. So if you could when you get home look for it and ship it to me I’ll pay for everything.” I add and wait patiently.

“Okay.” Is all he says after a long beat.

“Uh also don’t really mention anything, you know.” I say.

“Well I am going to have to ask mom where she put it and plus you already talked to her.” His voice is full of curiosity.

“Yeah, yeah its fine you are right. Thank you.” I say quickly and hang up.

One hour and forty three minutes later I am trapped again on the dreaded bed. I have picked my flight and Airbnb as well as scheduled my exam for tomorrow you know to soften the blow. I drag my hands over my face and my chest tightens. Everything hurts and its getting harder to breath again. I fall back at the end of the bed using an arm to cover my eyes from the tiniest of sun light that seeps in through the blinds.

To Anthony: Any luck?

Fourteen minutes later I drag my fingers through my hair. FUCK. I begin to pace around the room.

  I went outside today. The moment the sun hit me I immediately wanted to turn back around and go back inside. Yet several hours later back in my house my shoes are still on. Though I replied to a few messages and calls, saw the sun, and some lights are finally on I still can’t breath. My muscles still ache from trying to hold myself together all day. My passport arrives Saturday at 10AM which unfortunately leaves me over 24hrs to sit in darkness. Darkness that I know that will follow me thousands of miles but maybe it won’t suffocate me as much. There are moments that I catch myself concerned about my own behavior. Am I okay? Do I want to die? I go through the whole suicide questionnaire. Its not that I want to die I just sometime wish I never existed at all. This place is a comfortable one to be in and instead of fighting it I have fully succumbed. This is how its always going to be why continue to fight it and put a fake smile on. I fear I have put to many expectations on my get away and the guilt from lying is a faint background noise.

  didn’t even remember I stopped eating a couple days ago until the alcohol came back up. My chest doesn’t feel as tight but the ache is still there. This feeling doesn’t go away no matter how much I soak it in booze and drugs. I hoped that I would feel differently or feel something. You have no idea how much I hoped I would feel something different than this. God this must be what back sliding feels like. I guess you wouldn’t know since I am sure you haven’t read all the things I’ve written every time I have felt this way over the years. But for me defiantly back sliding. Oddly I am laughing at the thought, could be the booze or drugs.

Everyone loves the surface of me and maybe that’s my fault for keeping everyone at arms length. Its not that I don’t think that people wouldn’t love me this way, I’m just too scared to show people this side. You know that feeling when you’ve been in the sun too long and all the sunscreen you’ve put on hours ago is long gone? Your lips are dry and your eyes burn from the sun? For some damn reason that is the feeling I get when I wake up everyday. Then again I don’t do much of the regular human functions like eat or drink water at the right times. For some damn reason it has been less appealing as the days go by and I gag every time I force water or food down. I want it to stop. I don’t want this feeling to creep up upon me anymore. I mean for fuck sakes most of my life trauma is far behind be. I want it to stay far in the past and never again be tempted to fall into the comfortable black tar pit again. I may have describe it as a sweet thing before and it seems that way but it’s a sticky trap just like growing up is. Seems so great from a distance until you are days, months, years stuck into something you didn’t know how you got yourself into. But for some damn reason I can’t even scream for help anymore though you know I would never do such a thing.

This is not a new thing, it’s a new thing I’ve been more willingly to share. I keep pressing the send button on my true fucking feelings and its terrifying. The worst part is that I’m not worried about me, I’m worried about what everyone I send this to will think of me. I am worried that people are worried. God, when did I become such an empath. I am now realizing that when my mom was on her death bed and said to me that you are the most thoughtful person, she was right. She didn’t even know how right she would be. I wasn’t that thoughtful or what I thought was thoughtful at the time, I was loyal. As the years went by without her I have become the person she called at that moment though it wasn’t completely true yet, she knew I would turn out this way. I don’t care what people think of me, truly. I only care how they feel. I don’t want people to hurt for me. I’m not concerned with pity but more I whole heartedly don’t want them to feel pain. I’ve felt pain, true pain and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.

My friends love me, the real me, no matter how much I keep distance or put up walls. I know they see through the cracks and still love me anyways. Maybe that could be why I am still around and can’t ever really give up. I know that though I am not perfect I am still loved. Why do I feel so alone still? They are there for me and I KNOW. I just can’t help but when I am surround by the people I love, I am happy but yet still feel so alone. Audrey Hepburn said I don’t want to be alone I just want to be left alone, or along the lines of some shit like that. Everyone left be to be alone when I needed it but then I pushed everyone further to the point where I became really alone.

Ignore my bouncing around because I am on a roll, okay? Maybe by the time I come back from wherever I go I’ll have it all figured out. HA I hope and I know you hope that for me too. My therapist awhile back said something to me that was oddly the biggest thing that stuck with me. Once I went through the whole background (if you’ve been to therapy you know what I mean) she said:

“You keep saying that people have it worse but you can’t forget to feel bad for yourself for the things you went through”

Fuck, right?

That’s why I am a little behind on everything, I am well aware. But now it’s a trait that is so fucking hard to break. I was never worried about comparing my life to someone else’s that had it better somehow comparing my life to people who had it worse has left me to not be sad, angry, confused or really any emotion for long. Even typing that reminds me that I used to only let myself cry on the bus ride home occasionally because for some reason being surrounded by people I didn’t know and know that wouldn’t bother me felt safe to feel. Majority of the time alcohol would be involved, duh, again not perfect. A few times I wouldn’t be able to gather myself together and everything I have literally ever felt, jeez my ancestors felt. Not to be dramatic but no joke that’s how it felt, a fucking tidal wave hitting me. I would call everyone I felt remotely comfortable to be slightly this person in front of, no one really experienced the full version except for Ashley. Its like how I feel now in a sense but with more emotion, I remember I couldn’t breath that’s what I would say over and over again to her. The difference is that I would cry then and right now I can’t, I feel nothing.

I’ve never done this before and reading the words back scare me but now that I have started I can’t stop. If this is the only insight a few have into my mind I am coming around to it, well getting there. I used to want to be a writer because I wanted one person to in the world to feel better that I wrote something that they related to. Long ago I stopped writing how I really felt because it became too hard. Not only is it hard to even admit but putting into words like this makes it more real. To be frank I wish I haven’t quit every job I’ve had in the last three months, I wish I didn’t need this beer I am drinking to be a little more honest, I wish I was in a different place then I am right now. You feel it too? Its not an unusual feeling. It’s my story though and don’t forget I was told to let me feel sorry for myself.

I don’t know if I am more afraid to go to sleep or wake up, lately its been a toss up. The dreams I have are so real I am unsure what real life is but then I remember and I can’t decided which I would rather live.

This is the most vulnerable I’ve ever been and I want to regret the things I say before they even come out, unfortunate for me I cannot stop the thoughts pouring from my head.

Right now I am scared to go to sleep. I am not desperately trying to catch my breath, which after six days is refreshing. I know I am going to wake up tomorrow feeling the way I have been regardless the bullshit I have put in my body.

Funny to think that I used to hide my writing from everyone, I still do in a sense. Who knows maybe I’ll be like Picasso and be appreciated long after I go.

 My chest hitches again but its not as hot and sticky as the other kind. Its fucking guilt. Taking another long sip of my espresso martini I try to shake the nerves. Probably not the best drink choice. I sit at a bar conveniently close to my gate at JFK the world literally continues to move around me. People pass by in a rush to another destination or maybe in a rush to be home. My phone rings and rings but I am not ready to confront my wrongs yet.

 Oddly refreshing that the first words out of my fathers mouth on that second dreaded call were “So what are you running from this time?” How did that guy get to know me so well. I’m silent for awhile reeling from the fact that he may actually know me after all and not ready to confront the truth he says so effortlessly out loud.

“I don’t know.” I let out in a long sigh.

“Yourself?” He questions quietly. I don’t reply. Forced to process words that I don’t let escape my mind let alone out of someone else’s lips. Would make sense why this running thing never seems to work for long.

“You know its going to follow you wherever you go, right?” He says matter of fact and it bothers me.

“Yeah, yeah I know.” I reply quickly hoping to bring this conversation to an end. After another dose of uncomfortable silence.

“It’s what I am good at dad, the only thing I’m good at. Running.” My voice is barley above a whisper not in fear of the words I’ve said but the fear of lingering ears.

 Fuck.

I sit on the floor outside of the gate as the people pass by in a slow march to board. Another wave of guilt washes over me. How could I think he would be upset with me? A part of me wishes that he was because it would have been easier to deal with than whatever the fuck I am left with now. Maybe I shouldn’t do this. The line gets smaller. Well, I’ve made it this far I’m getting on this flight.

 Of course I made a horrible decision. Justifiably in one of the most beautiful places but horrible nonetheless. I wake up fighting tears at thinking of all that has gone wrong and continues to go wrong. Was I stupid enough to think because I’m forcing a vacation I would get the refreshing feeling? Absolutely. Its 8:45AM in London as I sit in the Italian Gardens drinking an iced americano in 40 degree weather through a cardboard straw. No one to text, no one to call, no one to share a moment with. It feels like it should be peaceful as the freezing wind hits my face. Nothing but sounds of fountains gurgling and dogs at play in the park. Something still rumbles within, the peace feels far away though I am starring right at it. How do you begin to stop running from yourself when you can never escape it for a moment? I feel in some fucked up chemical biology that I will never stop running from myself until I feel the satisfaction of having a moment of peace from me. The sun hits my face and I’m hopeful for a brief moment, too soon the sun is back behind clouds and darkness rolls back in. Don’t you wish you that you could always feel the way you do when the sun hits your face? You tilt your chin up to get a better angle, take a deep breath and absorb the light. A calm comes over you that I couldn’t even attempt to explain, certainly worth harnessing or bottling for that matter.

I’d almost rather be alone completely than in a room full of people and feel alone. Drinking at 1PM seems more depressing with a hundred eyes on you. I mean it is Tuesday….and I am American. This is not a story I want to write anymore, it exhaust me.

You know how badly I just want to lock myself in my hotel room until its time to leave? Sadly enough to physically hurt when I walk the bends of the maze to leave my haven. The thing that gets me out isn’t “you aren’t home” or “take this opportunity to explore since you never know when you will be back”. People will say things like culture and finding yourself like they honestly know what they are talking about. I could be in some shitty run down motel on Pac highway and still feel the overwhelming need to barricade the door. The fact that I’m not seems to be the key in getting me out the door, even if it isn’t for very long.

I got a bit of pep in my step this morning. Could be that I’ve slid into a comfortable status now being here for a couple days. Could be that I’m leaving for Paris tomorrow. For now I’m going to just chalk it up to wearing my favorite nirvana shirt. My feet shake from the trains under me. I’m at some shitty café called Garfunkel’s and honestly I only came because of the name and now can’t stop playing America on a loop in my head while eating my undercooked eggs benedict. They do it better in the states I promise. London has given me an infatuation with guys that have one hoop earring, fuck I need to get to Paris quick.

Things will never be the same when I get back. Something about that makes me feel content though it’s a weighted mystery. London really is quite different when you aren’t underground.

In France they serve about a half pound of cheese just on the French onion soup. You won’t hear any complains from me. A part of me missies the UK but its not that I miss it whole heartedly but just miss familiarity. The moment the Eiffel Tower was within reach was the moment everything felt more real. I was a child again, arms rested on the window frame, eyes wide as the moon. Tears brimmed in happiness that didn’t last long enough. I wish my mom was here. I wish we got to experience this for the first time together. I wish she could of seen the things I’ve been able to see. Usually this isn’t much of a daily struggle but once you leave your bubble of hustle and bustle life continues to spin and continues to cycle the things that have been missing in front of your face. There was a time in my life when I wanted nothing more than to have the world continue to spin, funny how things change.

Though I’ve walked for miles and my feet ache Paris just makes me want to run like break out into full sprint and run. And not to run from anything for that matter, just to run. When I go out for dinner I get so distracted that I forget where I’m going and I keep walking. I want to breath this culture, I want to soak it in my bones and cleanse me. This is the culture I needed to set me free. As we drive further from the city I can’t help but feel a part of me is staying behind. Not exactly a piece of my soul but my heart. The most I smiled in months was in Paris and I wish I could forever be the person I was here.

[claricepayne2000]

Hold on// Niall

Xx 1131 words Xx Heya guys hope your all okay, just a little note before you read this please do not read if you struggle with a mental illness as there is strong context in here about suicide and a bit of self harm so please don't read and also reach out for help or just to talk I'm always here for everyone Xx Niall's point of view I can't do this anymore, I can't pretend to be happy, smile or even laugh because I'm not fucking happy and haven't been for a while now, I love the lads, my friends, my family and my fans but I can't carry on. I'm in this black hole and I can't get out no matter how hard I tried I just can't . Luckily the lads and I are on break so they don't know how I am truly same with my family I looked at my phone as it started singing bringing Liam's name up so I pressed the accept button L: Heya buddy, how ya doing N: heya Li, I'm doing fine (I'm fine upside down means help me), how are you L: I'm in London so do you wanna meet me and the others later for a drink 'Do I go and say goodbye or stay at home and just send a text' I thought to myself N: yeah sure mate, what time L: 8:30 and don't be late N: Okay mate, see you then, goodbye With that I hung up 'Do I really wanna say goodbye and then they save me because they got suspicious at how I was with them or shall I just end it all now' I questioned myself over and over again until of course my phone began singing again, meaning someone wanted me and that someone was Greg G: Heya lil bro, how's it going N: Good big bro, what about you G: it's going amazing lil bro but um mum isn't doing good Ni N: what do you mean Greg G: I mean um Ni, mum well she passed away early hours this morning due to pneumonia 'Mum's dead' I thought to myself N: No your fucking lying Greg, I spoke to mum yesterday morning G: I'm not bro, I wish it wasn't true too N: I gotta go because I have a meeting but um I'll get one of the lads to call you until I can speak, love you bye I replied before hanging up and texting Liam to call Greg and keep him happy because our mum had just died and I needed to go to an interview (which was a lie, I just need to let go now) As soon as I sent that text I wrote everyone close to me a letter before going onto my twitter and scheduled a tweet to go out at 5pm ( Two hours from now) saying rip mom don't worry I'm coming with you right now, see you later world Once I was done with everything I grabbed the bottle of pills out of my medicine cabinet and swallowed all of them (I think there was at least 30 pills in there) 'Time to finally let go' I thought to myself as the pills did there magic and then I was finally met with darkness.... Liam's point of view I had just finished speaking with Harry when I received a text off Niall saying that his mom was dead and that he wanted me to speak to Greg until he finished his interview So I rang Greg L: Heya bud, Ni text me saying you lost your mum, I'm so sorry G: it's not your fault don't be sorry L: Do you need us to fly with Niall over to Ireland G: Yes please and also instead of speaking to me like he told you too, can you check on him and also can you see if he does really have an interview because I feel like he's lying to me L: Of course Greg, I'll get the lads to find out if he has an interview while I go to his flat and see if he's there G: Thank you, I'll call you later to see how he's coping see ya later After Greg said that he hung up Heya Lou, Haz and Zee Can you check and see if Niall has an interview today with Paul and then all come over to his house thanks lads Once I pressed send, I ran out of my hotel and grabbed a taxi to Niall's house Skip to when Liam is at Niall's house "Ni, are you in" I gently knocked on the door but I had no answer so I pushed the handle down to see if the door was locked but it wasn't so I opened it and went looking around Niall's house and that's when I found him, lying on the cold, tiled floor with a empty medicine bottle in one hand and then letters in the other "No ni don't do this to us" I shouted as I grabbed my phone and called 999 P: Hello, ambulance service how may we help L: My friends swallowed a bottle of pills and is unconscious P: Okay, does he have a pulse As she said that I placed my fingers on his neck where a felt a pulse but not a very strong one L: Yeah but it's not very strong P: Okay, can you tell us where you are L: 13 sunset valley P: Alright the ambulance won't be long at all but can you stay on the line until it comes L: Yeah P: Can you check his arms and legs make sure there is no blood lost any where L: Yeah I replied before taking off his long sleeved top which showed scars all over is arms L: There's scars on his arms but no blood P: Alright thank you hunnie, are the paramedics there Just as I was about to reply I heard the sirens right outside L: Yeah they are, thank you so much P: Don't need to thank me love, the paramedics will take good care of him After that the lady hung up and the paramedics came rushing into us Skip to when the doctor comes out (the lads are all there now and Greg knows what's happening) "Niall Horan" The doctor called as we stood up "So good news is Niall is okay, we was able to get his stomach pumped but we are keeping him in for a while and were transferring him to a counsellor to see" the doctor told us as we nodded "Can we see him" I asked "Yeah follow me" The doctor replied before taking us into Niall's room where he was lying with an iv in is arm and an oxygen mask on his face but he was awake "Heya Ni" I gently spoke and that's when he just burst into tears apologising like I don't know what "Calm down Ni, we're here and will get you through it" Zayn replied as he hugged him until Niall finally fell asleep on Zayn "He's going to be fine" I smiled sadly as I watched Niall sleep peacefully

[myaekingheart]

I feel like I've been doing nothing but running around for days and I hate it, I have no energy, I don't have any breaks from this point forward. I just...I'm so tired.

Last week was the only possible summer break I was gonna get considering I have to take summer courses this year so I spent the entire week making the best of my time off, sleeping in late and staying up late and just overall being a lazy bum. I didn't really have any opportunities to get school supplies between my parents' work schedules and how slow some of my teachers were with uploading their syllabi and stuff so I just figured I could buy everything during the first week when I got back. I felt like most teachers don't require you to have all the stuff on the very first day, anyways. After all, I ordered my textbooks either through Amazon or the school's bookstore's website so I could just pick them up today and everything would be golden. It honestly feels like I've been running non-stop since Friday, though. We had meatloaf for dinner on Thursday night and it didn't taste right, but I don't know if there was actually something wrong with it or if it was just my nerves acting up on me. My parents said it tasted fine to them. I was up all night with bathroom problems and insomnia. I ended up only getting four and a half hours of sleep that night and had to be up super early that morning for my big birthday trip. I was going to spend my birthday weekend with my boyfriend, which I couldn't have been more excited about. That fact didn't exactly help my insomnia. Actually, it pretty much caused it. Anyway, I had to be up bright and early at 8am (which is early for me) so we could leave by 9:30am. We decided to take my grandma's car because it's bigger and we definitely needed the space. Me, my parents, my grandmother, and my boyfriend's mother all piled into the car together and spent the longest car ride ever all crammed into the same car. Normally the ride is only 4.5 hours long and I thought I might be able to sleep on the trip up but that wasn't happening. I was smushed in the middle of the backseat between both my mom and his with a shitty stomach. I brushed it off as nerves, getting that same excited butterfly feeling as a kid on the day of a field trip does. I couldn't even eat breakfast and so my stomach was caught between feeling deathly hungry and disgustingly crampy. It was hunger and nausea and almost even PMS like cramps all at once. It was that kind of nausea where no matter how hungry you are, getting near food makes your gag reflex go off and you have to force yourself to swallow every bite you take. Also didn't help that I kept suffering from some serious cotton-mouth so it kept feeling like I had to try and dry swallow my food. We stopped at a McDonald's halfway through the drive and I tried my best to eat my burger and fries but all I could think about was how weirdly colored the burger looked and how there were too many onions, too much ketchup and mustard, how bothersome my stomach felt, and that Viggo Mortensen quote about the stark contrast between a freshly made and cold McDonald's fry. Also didn't help that we decided to sit outside where it was hot as hell and a million birds kept eyeing us up trying to get to our food, coming dangerously close with their mouths open. Between that little break and a setback after nearly getting in a car accident (we had only been on the road about a 45mins to an hour, it seems, when the car in front of us got in a brutal accident where the entire front of his vehicle got smashed in and it was my dad's responsibility was to pull over, assess the damage, make sure everyone was okay, and wait until highway patrol showed up), we got to my boyfriend's house much later than anticipated. It was about 4pm when we showed up-- I was tired and nauseous and I wanted nothing more than to just relax and spend time with my boyfriend. Unfortunately, that wasn't the case. He had work at 5pm which meant he left the house at 4:30pm and he didn't get off until 11:30pm. Rather than just go straight to bed, his mother and I chilled on the couch for a very short period of time before my parents and grandma showed up and we all went out for pizza. On one hand, I was happy to have gone since the pizza place we went to makes great, ginormous pizzas (their motto is literally "Slices as big as your head") and the atmosphere of the restaurant itself is really cool but on the other hand, I was so tired and felt so sick, I was in one of those states where a part of me just wanted to go to bed but the other half knew I would never be able to get to sleep anyways so I might as well say fuck it and suffer. Like always, we had a lot of leftovers so we packed up the remaining slices in a box to take back to my boyfriend for when he got off work. Considering my parents had never seen my boyfriend's workplace before, we decided to go walk around and check it the local store. HIs mother and I have been there countless times but my parents and grandmother never had so it was nice getting to show them around and see my boyfriend a bit in the process. We had to buy a couple things, anyways. The place was pretty much dead except for a few late-night stragglers but it was kind of funny having such a big group of people all in different places wandering around the store. I don't know why but I kind of liked the feel of it. There's something kind of satisfying about it to me for some strange reason. We left the place at about 9 or 9:30 and his mother and I went back to his place where I pretty much went straight to bed. I slept for a few hours before my boyfriend accidentally woke me up when he came home, turning on the light and taking his shoes off. He was exhausted-- and after a shift like that, who wouldn't be?-- but at least he was able to get Saturday (my birthday) off, which I was unbelievably pleased to hear. He went to sleep pretty easily but I, on the other hand, had trouble falling back asleep. I kept tossing and turning, my stomach was killing me, and all I could think about was my birthday the next day. I've always gotten relatively anxious on and around my birthday but moreso this year than ever. Ironically enough, it all leads back to my mom. When I was a kid, she treated every holiday and birthday like it was this huge, special event and she'd always go all out. She wanted to make each holiday super fucking special which I understand because they're big days and they deserve to be treated as such but at the same time, it always makes me feel like every holiday needs to be picture perfect and that we need to go all out every year and make a huge deal out of everything. It adds a lot of unnecessary anxiety that I truthfully hate but have no idea how to ever get rid of. This year, however, it was even more than just that looming over my head. My birthday last year was absolutely terrible. I had had a difficult year and was looking forward to wiping the slate clean once I turned 19 only to spend the majority of my birthday stuck in a hospital triage room right across the hallway from the bathroom where some woman was violently puking with the door wide open. My mom had her coworkers at the doctor's office she works at across the street take her blood pressure just out of sheer curiosity and it was something like 200/80 and she was rushed right to the emergency room for fear of having a stroke. It was pretty much the worst birthday of my life both because of how I spent it (from the selfish perspective) and the fact that my mom very much coudld've suffered from a stroke or worse, died. I know the odds of something like that happening again were next to none but at the same time, I just couldn't help but fear that something terrible might happen again. Of course, the car accident on the drive up wasn't great but at least nobody was physically hurt. Not only that, but the thought of turning 20 was terrifying to me. I'm still terrified by it. Teenagerhood is just such a huge part of life, it's such a time of change and experience, that it felt weird leaving it behind and having to admit that I am officially, undoubtedly an adult now. There's no turning back. I'm stuck here and it's just going to continue getting worse and worse from here on out. Nothing made me realize this more than my actual birthday, though. I woke up way too early only to end up going back to sleep and being woken up by his mother (the both of us). We all had plans, important things we needed to take care of. I didn't have the luxury of laying around in my pajamas watching TV all day. Yep, gone are the days of celebrating by doing nothing. Instead, I spent the day doing perhaps the most adult thing ever: househunting. And that's when things really started to hit me. My boyfriend and I drove around in his car with my parents and his mom and my grandma all in her car either following or leading us. It was kind of tedious but more than that, it was terrifying. It wasn't until we were driving around looking at these places that I realized the reality of the situation. I was 20 years old, in a serious relationship, and preparing to get my associate's degree and move out of my parent's house and into an apartment with my boyfriend where I'd be attending a university for an even bigger degree. The reality of that was absolutely horrifying to me not because I don't want that because I do-- believe me, I do-- but more because I don't think I quite realized how grown-up I was becoming before. Now all of a sudden I'm an adult-- really, truly, officially an adult and I have all these adult plans and responsibilities. I just feel like everything came up so quickly and I almost don't know if I'm ready for it all yet. I'm scared. Of course, this didn't help my stomach issues and left me feeling even sicker by the time dinner rolled around. My grandma was getting crabby looking at houses-- she doesn't want me to leave and was making it very difficult to think critically about things considering she was convinced the first place we looked at, some shitty place in the ghetto where someone got shot on the next street over, was the best possible place for us and then even said "I think she should just stay home and finish her four year degree at the college she's at now" to which my dad apparently nearly jumped on her and very frustratedly said "THEY DON'T OFFER WHAT SHE WANTS TO DO HERE" which is very true. They went back to their hotel afterwards but my boyfriend, his mom, and I drove around a bit more afterwards to check out a few other places on our own. Afterwards, we went back to his place to chill for a little bit before leaving for my birthday dinner. I was originally excited because I had made plans to have dinner at one of my favorite Asian restaurants in the area, a super casual place with really great food, but I was honestly so shaken up/panicky that I could barely eat and decided to scrap my plans of having Fat Boy ice cream sandwiches instead of birthday cake afterward. I honestly felt disappointed in myself for feeling the way I did and deciding to call off the celebration like that but at the same time, I knew I wasn't feeling great and that if I pushed my feelings aside and just powered through, I knew I'd get sick which would just completely ruin my birthday. I don't think I've ever vomitted on my birthday and I really hope I never do. Things like that happening on holidays just make me so outraeously nervous, and I know if it ever did happen I'd be traumatized and terrified for every year thereafter that it would happen again (I think it's important to note that I am highly emetophobic). It made me feel even worse considering my cousin and his wife, whose wedding I attended in February, drove down from their nearby town to join us for dinner and such afterwards. This would be the third time we've all been together for some meal-inclusive event, two of which I have ended up feeling sick and panicky like this during (the other being their wedding reception). They insisted on getting these cookies from this place nearby considering the ice cream sandwiches weren't going to happen but I didn't eat any of those, either. After dinner, they followed my parents and grandma back to their hotel in the middle of nowhere (which was honestly really eerie and I hated going there) which my boyfriend and his mother and I went to after stopping at the grocery store to pick up some lottery tickets she insisted I fill out and get for my birthday. Once we got to my parents' hotel, we sat around talking and I opened my presents from my grandma, my boyfriend, and his mother-- my cousin and his wife didn't get me anything and I opened the stuff from my parents the night before we left. After my cousin and his wife left, we stuck around for a little while longer where the conversation took a very discomforting turn. Somehow we got on the subject of deadly injuries to which my dad outlined in great detail his major accident back in the 1980s when he nearly lost his arm in a printing press. I've heard the story before but he went into great detail with the help of my grandmother about all the disgusting things I really didn't want to hear about on my birthday with an already queasy stomach. We left shortly after to go back to my boyfriend's place where we sat up and watched about five episodes of Rick and Morty together (neither of us had ever watched it before but decided to give it a shot, after my boyfriend convinced me through it's parody-ness of Back to the Future) before heading to bed which I started feeling a little better after but still not great. I hated waking up Sunday morning knowing I would have to leave that day and my stomach still wasn't feeling great when I first woke up, but after a while I started to come around a little bit. My parents and grandma had already eaten breakfast at their hotel and after checking out, drove around town a bit looking at some of the other places they didn't get to see yesterday and reconsidering some of the places they did see. By the time my boyfriend and I woke up and got ready, it was nearly noon and we hadn't eaten anything yet that day so we met up with my family at a local McDonalds to get something to eat and then met up back at my boyfriend's place to start packing our stuff into the car and get ready to head out. I hated leaving but I knew I had no choice. My boyfriend had to be into work at 2pm anyways so we left right before he had to leave, anyways. I didn't cry this time but I was definitely still extremely sad to say goodbye to him. All I really wanted to do was just stay in bed all day with him and try and nurse my stomach back to health but I knew that wasn't possible. He had work that afternoon and I had class the next day. So long as I was leaving, though, once I was in the car I wanted nothing more than to be home as soon as possible. I was cramped in the backseat yet again and this time my grandma was even crabbier than she had been before (even though she had honestly been crabby all weekend between the apartment issue, the university comment, and some other things: we were looking at this one place and she said some snarky remark to me about "You've got champagne taste but a beer wallet" insinuating that just because I had a limited budget to spend on housing that I had to live somewhere crappy or something [I just about jumped on her when she said that honestly]; at the hotel after opening my presents, I kept begging everyone to please stop talking about the gross shit because I was already nauseous and was starting to feel even sicker, to which my grandma said I needed to be stronger and started going off on this morality rant about how even though we've all been through shit, just proves we need to be stronger or something; that last one ties into something she said on the car ride home. She was commenting on my nervous stomach issues again (and my anxiety) and told me that if I didn't get over it, I'd never get to my mom's age or something as if she was insinuating that I'd die if I kept this stuff up. As if that is supposed to calm my anxiety. I nearly jumped on her then, too, and both my mom and my boyfriend's could see I was pissed but I held my tongue, took a shot of my water, and just folded my arms across my chest and leaned back in my seat. If anything, I felt bad for my boyfriend's mother-- she had never really experienced my grandmother's ultimate bitchiness firsthand before but now she knows what we have to put up with-- she was telling me how the woman was just complaining about every little thing the entire time we were driving around looking at places to rent.). The drive home felt even longer than ever, though, which didn't help. We stopped at the halfway point to get an early dinner at one of my dad's favorite Irish pubs, to which I ordered some great mac-n-cheese and ate quite a bit of it (more than I ever had before, truthfully) but even after getting some of my appetite back then, I still felt icky on the ride home. I was so terrified that the dinner wasn't going to agree with my stomach and I'd get sick or something. I think the fact we were in my grandma's car didn't help since it has a very distinct and very disgusting new car smell that was a trademark of any car my late grandpop owned considering he was a mechanic and took pride in his car. I vomited in his car once when I was really little and ever since, that smell has always made me nauseated. I definitely think that was a factor in my nervousness this past weekend, as well. But anyways, I kept trying to nap on the drive home but was never really all that successful. There was one brief period where my mom and I both fell asleep, which my boyfriend's mother got a picture of and sent to my boyfriend, but other than that, every other attempt was pretty futile. By the time we got home, the sun was just setting and everyone filed out back to their own living spaces pretty quickly. My grandma and boyfriend's mother said goodbye and went back home and my parents and I filed back into our rooms to unpack and get some sleep. Unfortunately, because of me, they got less sleep than they should've. Knowing I was starting my summer classes the next day, I logged onto my school account to make sure everything was squared away and prepared for the upcoming week of classes. However, when I got onto Canvas, the class that was supposed to start tonight was never published. In fact, it had completely disappeared as if it had never been there in the first place. I seriously panicked, my first instinct being "oh my god it was cancelled." I checked my student email and sure enough, there was a message in there from Thursday night saying the class had been cancelled due to low enrollment. Needless to say, I fucking panicked. I lost my shit. I had spent such time meticulously trying to plan out my schedule and make everything work, make all the classes fit together like perfect puzzle pieces, and then the school goes and pulls this shit. There was no way I'd be able to slide with only three classes, either. I needed those credits. I basically barged into my parents room and woke them up screaming crying, having a total panic attack. I was at a loss. I had no idea what the fuck to do. So much was weighing on this semester that any fuck up whatsoever could cost me so much and affect not only myself but my boyfriend, too. There was way too much at stake. My mom and dad ended up coming into my room to try and figure what was going on and what had happened, and how to fix it, when I tearfully checked the course catalog and found a Spanish class that was at the same time on the same days for the same period of time as the other class I was registered for. I didn't really want to take a Spanish class after having already fulfiled the foreign language requirement for my degree in high school (I took three years of Spanish freshman through junior year) but it was the only thing that would work. Now my big concern was whether it would fulfill the elective credits I still needed. I figured it would since I couldn't imagine it fitting in anywhere else but at the same time, I wasn't entirely sure of anything anymore and was honestly very skeptical. Signing up for this class when I did, however, meant I had to prepare for the class in less than 24 hours which was definitely way more stressful than I needed. I paid for the class as soon as possible and spent the entire day running around like a chicken with it's head cut off trying to get shit straightened out. I had to fix my schedule page in my binder, get all my notebooks for all my classes which I didn't have time to do last week, print out the original receipt for the books I ordered, pick up the books I ordered from the campus bookstore, get a refund on the one for the class I was signed up for and purchase the book for the Spanish course instead, and then actually go to the Spanish class on top of some personal shit like washing my sheets, washing myself, and picking up the dog from the kennel he was staying in over the weekend. By the time everything was finished and I had checked out all the books I needed, I had fifteen minutes to get to class. I made it there in time, thank god, but apparently my teacher did not. She showed up about ten minutes late which sent me in a panic because there were signs on the door about cancelled Spanish classes and I was honestly so freaking terrified that one of them was for mine. I didn't have the strength to go through that again. The only reassuring thing was the fact that there were other people from my class standing outside waiting for the teacher, as well. I felt nothing short of relief when she finally did show up, and then struggled through the entire rest of the class with how dreadfully bored I was. The thing I never quite realized/expected fully was the reality of taking a class about material you already know, though. It was weird because all of this stuff was so familiar to me and yet at the same time, it's been three years since I've taken a Spanish class, just about, and I realized that there were a lot of things I had forgotten, too. I never really kept up with it after school so my retention slowly declined. Or maybe it was just that I was incredibly tired and sore all over from god only knows what and was fighting sleep the entire time. Probably a little of both, to be honest. Either way, the entire day was a fucking whirlwind and now I know i have to go back tomorow even earlier and do the class thing all over again. It's terrible, honestly, though. First day in and I'm already dead tired and wanting to quit. A part of me deep down just wants to quit, to give up, but I know I can't. I feel strange and uncomfortable taking summer classes, knowing all the public school kids will be out for summer in a week or so meanwhile I'll be stuck in classrooms doing schoolwork until August. It almost feels like some parallel dimension or vivid fever dream where nothing is quite right and everything feels nauseatingly uncomfortable. In a way, I almost somehow feel like I'm back in high school again. That's really weird and makes absolutely no sense but it's true. I feel weird and uncomfortable and unnerved and I know deep down it's not just about the summer classes. It's about everything. There's so many changes going on these days and everything is happening so quickly, I don't quite know how to handle all of it, to tell you the truth. Everyone is leaving, including myself, and it feels like everything I've known and held familiar is slipping through my fingers. Before long, my room will be empty and I'll be living 300 miles away from my parents, a totally independent adult. Nothing will ever be the same again and that's terrifying. Everything is just happening so fast. I know I keep saying that-- at this point I feel like I need a Ferris Bueller cameo-- but it's true. Everything is moving so fucking fast.

[some-far-far-away-land]

Chesca’s Current Status

This weekend was amazing and gave me so much happiness, something I feel like I haven’t been in a long time. You know that the rest of this post is gonna explain why lol

So earlier last week I heard that a friend was selling tickets to the Alex Aiono and William Singe concert that I had been eyeing since like I think December or January, whenever they had released their tour dates. I was debating about it but by the time I decided tickets sold out already. So when I heard about my friend selling her ticket, the whole week I thought about it. I told her I’d tell her by Friday night. The week goes by and I was still debating, I was pretty broke and i knew if I went I would spend a lot of money on like getting there and back, and then food, and subway. What actually made me decide was that after class friday Nat Jose and I went for coffee with our old Don and I mentioned I was debating in going to toronto for this concert and Nat was like, “yo, lets go, i need a getaway and celebrate finishing design.” Plus Nellie was throwing a late bday party for Paul Saturday but I knew that Lisa would be there and that Thavi could potentially be there too. I honestly just didn’t want another repeat of gfx. I wouldn’t have been comfortable and I didn’t want that to translate on a celebration. Plus thinking about being in the same room as those two made me really anxious. I mean I know I didn’t do anything wrong but its the bad vibes and negativity I know those two people have for me that would make me uncomfortable. I mean if you had a choice I think you would choose a weekend in toronto by yourself, going on a few dates and going to see one of you favourite Youtube singers live, over a few hours of not knowing how to act around two people who use to be the closest people in your life who have now come to hate you for who know what reasons? 

So yea after a night of drinking and dancing at Phil’s with Nat, Jon, and Jose, which by the way was super fun because of the drunken talks and the company. Nat and I ventured off to Toronto Saturday morning. We went and got Pho in Chinatown, and then went to Eaton’s to shop and pick up some stuff. We ate there and didn’t go to Celene and Abby’s place till around 6pm. Funny story about where we ate for dinner. We went to the like cafeteria type place. I went to the coffee and pastry section since I was still full from Pho. I got an iced latte with a cheesecake. While I was in line, there was a hella rude customer who was on his phone telling the guy behind the counter (who was pretty cute btw) that he wanted more syrup on his waffle. He was also waiting for his drink and when the girl called it out he didn’t think it was his, when it clearly was. When he had left the cute guy behind the counter and another co-worker who I realized were filipino started talking about how rude he was. I listened and laughed cuz I know their struggles too and when the guy gave me my drink i smiled and said Salamat, and he was thrown off by it and he smiled back and I went on my merry way. 

Conversation with Nat was pretty good, we go pretty deep into my stuff, just with dating again and how I had been feeling the past few weeks. After that we went back and I redid my make up and taxied to the venue. I thought I was gonna be late but the show didn’t start till 8pm, line just started to move at 7pm. We get into the venue and its just standing so no seats. Its pretty packed and it was cold in there. I was supposed to meet up with my friend Jezeth but she was in the middle and I couldn’t find her so I just chilled where I was. When alex came out I had an amazing view of him, like most of the people there were girls who were with their girl friends or girls with their boyfriends, plus most of the people were asian so they were all shorter then me all I had to do was tippy toe a bit and I could see alex so well! The girls I ended up standing with and eventually befriending were super fun! They were drinking too so their vibes were legit and we danced and fangirled the whole time together! 

So let me talk about Alex, this man, omg he was so much cuter in person, his smile 10x warmer and his voice.... like fuck me, lol Like I thought that it wouldn’t sound as good as his videos but honestly he sounded exactly the same, even better live actually. I could listen to this man sing and play guitar for hours! I totally jus vibed out during his set, really took in the moment and just enjoyed being in the same space as him. *sigh* his gf is so lucky! lol

So after Alex it was obviously William and I only knew him from the songs he and Alex collabed together on. I honestly was not prepared, like this man, was sooooo good live, like his falsetto is on point, his covers were amazing! I love his style, his r&b swag and even his original songs... man. He got me feeling feels too. A little bit into his set my phone died and I actually am so glad it did. I really jus experienced the night and really enjoyed myself without worrying about getting things on camera. I just lived in the moment. I was just so happy and loving life. Alex ended up coming back later on and they sang the songs they did together and I almost died, like I felt like I went to heaven lol

After the concert, which ended around 10:30pm I decided to walk back, well partially. I had to find a place that was open where I could charge my phone. So I went the Tims on College and Yonge. Stayed there for a bit and then took the street car to Abby’s place. Decided to get BK cuz i was hungry and then waited for Nat to come back since she went to go and hangout with Jack while I was at the concert. When she got back we talked a bit before we went to bed. I let her sleep on the bed and I took the ground, which wasn’t bad actually.

So we wake up and we originally planned on having brunch with Jack and Bri but Jack was too sick and Bri’s schedule was too busy so we went for lunch with Celene, her man, and Abby. The place we went to was near Koreatown and we ate at this cute restaurant that had the best eggs benedict I’ve every had in my life. I go mine with baby spinach and the home fries was covered in this sauce and like i died! The conversation was good too and it was nice hanging out with friends. It was such a beautiful day too! Like the nicest day of the year so far I think. I mean I didn’t wear a coat and walked around the whole day. after lunch nat and i walked around koreatown, got my favourite fish dessert and just chilled. She had a carpool a 5pm since she was having dinner with her roomies so she went back first. I actually had a date for that afternoon but he cancelled saying he had worked out too hard in the morning and pretty much felt sick. I wasn’t too bummed about it since I still got to hangout with my friends and eat good food. We’ve been having good conversations on facebook and he seemed sad we couldn’t hangout, but its okay things happen for a reason.

When nat left I went for a bbt date with this guy I had been talking too for a week now. He was Korean and was actually pretty nice and sweet. Like physically he was okay but conversation was nice and he spoke english pretty well despite only living in Korea until like 4 months ago. He was super sweet and even walked me to my subway. it was cute date, i’d talk to him again lol

I was supposed to meet up with other friends for dinner but they cancelled last minute because something came up. Another guy I’ve been talking to for a week asked if I was free to grab dinner since he wanted to see me while I was still in town. I said yes of course, and we ended up getting dim sum in Chinatown and it was honestly sooooo good! This guy is filipino and he’s one of the ones I enjoy talking to via text all week so i was excited to meet him. He was actually so much better looking in person and his voice, sounds so nice. Like its deep and he has a filipino accent which I didn’t think i’d like but I totally did. Our conversation was so good and i just felt comfortable with him. after dim sum he offered to subway with me all the way to yonge and sheppard. thats like 30 mins on the subway. My carpool was at 10:30 so we went to the meet up spot and the carpool cancels last minute! At first I was annoyed and furious cuz now I’m stuck here till tmrw morning. But what happened after made up for it. 

We subway back to Abby’s place and then we decided that we wanted to walk around for a bit. guys, we ended up walking 3 km together. We went down beverley st. all the way to queen st. down john st., past front st. and all he way down to the harbourfront. We sat by the water for 30 mins, just talking about life, relationships, school, etc. The spontaneous nature of the whole night was something I honestly have never done before. Probably one of the best first dates I’ve had. we ended up walking up spadina from the rogers centre and made a full circle back to Abby’s place. We walked for 3 hrs almost. When we said our goodbyes he hugged me so tight and I was gonna kiss him on the cheek but i ended up giving him a peck on the lips, and then he hugged me again and then this time he kissed me and then just walked away all shy like. It was so cute and like the best way to end my night.

I went to sleep around 2am I think. Woke up at noon, and went and got starbucks with celene and her man. Then took a go train to bramalea and then a bus to kitchener go, then the 8 bus to asian grocery, then walked to campus and made it for the 5pm meeting. We then set up at 6pm for our event, and then EOT was at 7PM-10PM.

So that was my weekend getaway with myself. Honestly I’m so happy I decided to go away, even though now i’m hella broke, it was so worth it. I mean like I finally know what I want to do and what I’m gonna tell my parents my plan is. This weekend gave me motivation to get my shit together and just go after what I want to do and what I want to pursue. I swear I’m meant to live in Toronto and based of the events of this weekend I feel like in my gut its where I’m supposed to be.

I plan on going back in 2 weeks, after I’ve made some money and you know finished school stuff lol