#also maybe weight change
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if im not cute in a year im gonna.. still just be saying empty threats to the sky.. but still... im gonna be moppy
#why cant i just look presentable and decent in some shape or form#i keep thinking about wanting to make connections and get out there#but that i cant let myself do that until i look ok#lIKE people can come to me if they want i cant stop that#but they dont because im not flattering to look at#and i cant even allow myself to think about presenting myself to others until im presentable#ykno#which is hard because i also know i do better to keep myself in better condition mentally and psychically with another person around#but i cant push myself into anyone elses zone until i can provide at least a slimmer of being an enjoyable person#either i really need to get a better personality or i need to look cute or handsome or whatever#T better fix me#not to put everything on T#but i hope for facial hair more than anything#also maybe weight change
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I was tagged a few days ago by @serially-wayhaven for WIP show and tell and I now have more progress on my attempted Wayhaven binding. I printed out a book! Holy shit! Looks like real book pages and everything!
I ordered some supplies for putting all of the pages together and that will hopefully be here in the next week. It does mean this is on hold again until then while I wait and also absorb a bunch of tutorials.
Tagging for anytime this week or whenever in the future @evilbunnyking @nat-seal-well @nsewell and back at @serially-wayhaven
#life at nerdy holler#I also got some book board for the cover and cheap scrapbook paper for the end pages#already some things I would change#but minor so far#mostly a slightly larger font#but I was trying to keep the page count low so that’s why it’s small#ans maybe a slightly lighter weight paper#also need to print out the first signature again#there was some weird ink ghosting on it#nerdy makes a book
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Midst is about a murder the exact same way that Disco Elysium and Pentiment are about a murder.
#They're about murder but also about ideology and authority systems and maybe trying to do what's right when there's little space to.#(And how extremely wrong that can go because of the weight of institutions and ideologies and history itself on everyone and everything)#It's about what you're told and who is telling you. About change and potential second chances.#About communities and societies and how we build them (for better and for worse) and what it is we owe and give and take from one another.#About realizing you can feel the world turning right here and right now. About change and its conditions.#Midst things#Midst#Midst podcast#Disco Elysium#Pentiment
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which echo character would be objectively the funniest one to trans the gender of
#jenna maybe. like wow you already changed your name once and now you get to do it AGAIN?#also actually maybe there is something to be said about like#babytrans 'jasmynn' basing her name on the street she grew up on despite it all because It Might As Well Be That#that would put even more weight into the change to 'jenna' tbh#i love jenna guys i dont talk about her enough but i really do. MY FELLOW FENNEC FOX.....#leo.txt#echo vn#echo project
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#its sort of funny. i think my medication is working pretty well. i feel stable in a way i never really have before#is it the dopamine stablizer or is it my ion channels? whos to say. it doesn't matter. but it also doesnt change some things#the ways i think and react negativly to change. but it makes it easier to deal with. i still experience this strange dispaire on the#weekends or anytime im not working. i think the oddest thing is thst i dont think ive ever been this consistenly sad#not in a depressed sort of way. just a passing thoughts make me tear up sort of way. it doesnt feel out of control. it just feels like a#prelude to grief i guess. bc my mum is still in the hospital and its so hard to kno what that means from halfway across the country#my sisters are both home right now. they both live within 3hrs of where we grew up. one sister lives in the city my mom goes to for#treatment. so they have the opportunity to see her more than me. i dunno if they do tho. we dont really talk. i dont kno if they're as sad#as i am. if im overreacting bc i cant physically see what's happening. what the feeling is in the room. not that she would probably complain#shes the suffer in silence type. my dad keeps texting us pics of our shitty lil sunroom that hes redoing#to make my mum a lil sanctuary. he must be sad too. its his wife. hes staying with her in the hospital rn. i dunno its so weird#when i talk to my counselor she assumes i find out info thru calls or talk to my sisters abt it and i gotta b like nah we dont really talk#i get my info thru text. i havent talked to my parents on the phone in like a month. i dunno we just dont talk. so i dont kno how to reach#out and be like yo so whats up? shoulf i plan on coming home this summer for a bit?? like???#this is the disadvantage of leaving thr place where you grew up. probably when i finish my phd i should move closer to home#somewhere in the Appalachian mountains maybe. somewere in the eastern deciduous forrest. somewhere with thunderstorms.#but thats years from now. who knows what ill b doing. for now im just sad and tired and i dont quite kno what to do in the short or long#term bc im feeling the weight of my mental limitations rather intensely. but maybe im just being self limiting#whatever. i dont have a dead mum yet. shes not even on hospice care. things are just uncertain and dont look so hot#i just dont see how it can get better from here when chemo gave her secondary blood cancer and shes still full of tumors#i dont think im being that dramatic. it just objectively seems not great for survival#unrelated
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finally finished my creatchure tablet weaving (for use as a strap for carrying my water bottle / some kind of small bag that's not yet sewn)
#created using what's effectively a warp weighted chair loom#+ with lots of experimentation; i haven't done a double face weave before and was making up my patterns as i went!#as you can maybe tell by how they change over the course of the band lol#please ask for any info about the loom/patterns/resources for learning etc! i have a lot of stuff already compiled#also maybe my favorite thing about this project is that it literally cost me $4 total#for all of the materials incl all parts of the loom#radish art#textiles#tablet weaving#i have thread in trans flag colors now .... i am still fascinated by fish motifs but also thinking about weevils? maybe sth wider? tbd#id in alt#i am but one person across millennia of weaving fish and plants and insects into textiles
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Evermore anon, I just reblogged @wavesoutbeingtossed’s brilliant posts of that exact theme! YES something about all of this and the weight of forever, the reality of a a future that forces a person to get truly philosophical about joining together two humans in such a final and intimate ceremony. That introspection can recomtextualize a lot of relationship stuff that maybe felt more symbolic or abstract until it’s Happening.
#Marriage#evermore#ive been thinking a lot about this and maybe getting engaged#Like we said within a year that we were End Game. That we would get married. And then we had more philosophical convos about the politics#Of marriage (politics and gender roles and the 1950s shit one night or a wife) like our love doesn’t subscribe to the government#But now that we’re 6 years in I am wanting to do the thing! But we haven’t really Talked about it in the last two years bc things are good#how they are now. So what would chang?#It makes me reflect on the legal right to be married. The tax benefits (hello tax day). The joining of our families.#The biggest thing I’ve been talking about with my therapist is the Political Power of marriage. Like the joining of empires/tribes.#my partners mom would have more financial security bc her elder care would be legal attached to my family’s resources#But also the poetic and deeply human pieces - the joining of souls. The combining of lives and names. Creating new human life (in theory LO#Yeah it’s just all so big#And when you start to go down that road in a tangible way with a partner#That puts a lot of shit in perspective!#And the weight of patriarchy too!!!!#How deal???#Joever
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didn't realize how much fat i lost on my hips/waist since starting to work out until I put on a pair of looser pants today that i hadn't worn in a while and they almost fell off
#literally without the belt they fall off#they used to just sit low without the belt#i knew i had recomped bc i got weighed at the drs abt a month ago & i was the same as I have been w/ a visible change in muscle mass#but did NOT realize how much straighter my waist/hips have gotten even since then bc dysmorphia/dysphoria#e/d tumblr do NOT interact this is NOT for you#who knew that doing weighted exercises with your obliques would make you waistline less thin. oh wait. me. that's why i'm doing it lmfao#also it's good for my chronic hip/back issues#and it's nice to see the fat leave the spot i specifically don't want it. i'm OK with fat on my body i just don't like it there specificall#tw weightloss#not technically weight loss just abt weight redistribution#I want to eventually GAIN weight from muscle but don't want to be a gym rat so yk#and it's hard enough to eat normally as it is so yk. maybe some other time in my life#or maybe just v slowly over time#also i don't weigh myself so for all i know i have but most likely not#at least i don't think so?#anyway#i'm serious abt the e/d thing though stay away from my blog if you're posting abt that
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hitting the 'low calorie' and 'slimming' recipie blogs with a hard side eye as someone who genuinely loves 'health' food. you're not associated with me just bc i make veggie dishes for the love of greens, i will eat a deep-fried chocolate bar just to make a point.
#charlie.txt#no but fr this annoys me to no end#why cant food just be food#why is my veggie curry Better because it's low fat? cant it just be a veggie curry?#i honestly think for some ppl at least some of their aversion to vegetables and low fat protein and fruits etc is the obsession with them#being healthy -- and also that that must mean they taste bad#try my veggie curry. not because it's Good For You but because tasting greens in a banging sauce is like blowing a god#sometimes things taste good bc that combination of ingredients Just Tastes Good not bc theyre making you skinny and isnt Bad For You#'bad for you'. such a fkn christian concept. maybe its changed since i left the church but i dont remember a weight limit to get into heaven#sry fr going off its late im ill n recipie blogs were sent from hell to moralise food instead of just DOING WHAT TASTES GOOD. AS FOOD SHOULD
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Doodle <3
#original art#digital art#my art#not really an OC bc I don't plan on drawing her again#but I had fun!#It's nice to mess around with brushes and changes things up once in a while#Also I've read 1 MXTX book and I'm hooked XD#I bought all of SVSSS but they're currently waiting for me at home in the UK#And I need to get off my lazy ass and go to central Bkk next week to buy the rest of TGCF#and maybe book 1 of MDZS?#BUT#I NEED TO ALSO FIND SPACE (AND WEIGHT) IN MY SUITCASE#So I might order TGCF books 4 & 5 to the UK instead?#hmmmm#that sounds like a decent idea actually...#I'll see how heavy the books are when I go to Kinokuniya#I also have to look for a book on hanfu for my sis
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crazy to experience tangential fatphobia like yeah my parents are fat. what does that have to do with me??? also yeah of course im going to kill you with nails now like i literally love those people???
#it makes people really uncomfortable for some reason like some of us love fat people???#like the fact that i have GOOD memories about my parents weight + got sad when they tried dieting bc i didnt want them to change it#when i was a kid especially makes people like. squirm? sorry for loving fat people?#or how im putting on weight now and am starting to look like my mom and this doesn't scare me??#like yeah i dont look at my beautiful mother and see a warning??? what is wrong with you people#there is poison in the brain i swear like no i wasnt happy that doctors pressured my father in risky weight loss surgeries???#hes my dad i dont want him to undergo risk medical procedures for bad reasons? i actually dont like risking his health and happiness??#ALSO SIDE NOTE and then bc my parents are fat when i date fat people people go Oh Daddy/Mommy issues and like no guys#thats not how that works at all maybe fat people just dont want to date you bc you keep making it weird#tad talks
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What if Suiren and Midori inherited their paternal grandmother’s curlier hair?
#or maybe someone just needed an excuse to draw these two in their underwear. who’s to say??#my art#artists on tumblr#the legend of korra#original characters#seeds of the red lotus#sotrl suiren#sotrl midori#last art piece of the year :) feeling kinda emotional over it#idk what my obsession with hair as a storytelling device is but here we are#it seems like such a small change but it really carries a lot of weight#for starters curlier hair is harder to care for. which means Suiren’s issues with brushing will be even more pronounced#but also.. Haya inherited Afarin’s hair#both of them already share some resemblance with Haya in certain regards. this would just make it worse#Midori wears it at a similar length to Haya. Suiren’s is much longer but it might just serve to remind Haya of her mom#and of Suiren still decides to cut it as part of her recovery.. then the resemblance will show even more#basically fun times all around#anyway. I love their designs as they are but also they both look so pretty with curlier hair#and yes i did just need an excuse to draw them in their underwear#because why not? they’re both legal adults and also attractive as fuck#I am well within my right thank you very much#also yeah I decided that I was gonna draw Midori with tattoos because it’s a crime I’ve only done it once so far#my new year’s resolution is to draw Midori in ways that would make any girl question her sexuality#because she’s just as gorgeous and incredible as her sister and I need to show it more often#Midori with tattoos like her dad>>>>>>>>>#genuinely. I always talk about how Kuvira is one lucky fucker for getting to be with Suiren but let’s be real. so is Opal#imagine having a girlfriend who looks like THAT. the dream. really#I’d be okay with having a gf who looks like either of them tbh. who wouldn’t#and maybe I decided to draw them in their underwear as a reaction to SOMEONE leaving me all hot and bothered yesterday. just a thought#(I’m kidding Kat I love you. this isn’t meant to pressure you I’m just messing around. promise <3)
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#vent post vent post lalalala#i wanted to post some pictures from my weekend trip with my friends before its too late but then i saw my fucking face and now i wanna kms#like oh my god. oh my god this is really truly the face im stuck with forever and ever and ever till the day im fuckin rotting in the groun#incredible how unfair life can be lmao (<- girl who is having such incredibly superficial stupid fucking problems but is otherwise#quite privileged but of course that will never be fucking enough for her because she's soooooo fckn stupid and selfish and annoyinggg lol)#i dont know why im so obsessed with it now#like i genuinely remember KNOWING that im kinda ugly (and fat) in high school and being like 'so what lol idc'#so WHY is it such an issue now?????#idk. i just kinda wish i was dead every time i look at my face and realise there's nothing i can do to change it#i can dress in ways that will cover my ugly ass shapeless body. maybe i can even go back to my ed properly this time#and lose some weight. for a time. before i gain back twice as much and the circle begins anew lol#but my face is not gonna change no matter what i do lmao unless i fucking scrape it off with a grater or smash my head into pieces#and like. even if i do get that rhinoplasty (its not gonna change my faceshape anyway. nothing i can do to fix THAT fuckin atrocity)#every time ill look in the mirror i will only be reminded that its fake. and that my natural face was disgusting enough it had to be cut up#to be fixed somewhat.#i just wish i had ONE. just ONE nice thing about my body. literally just one its not even funny lol#and its so fucked up when you look at my mom who was so insanely fucking beautiful when she was my age. like. i cant blame her#cause how could she have known that the genes she'll pass on will not result in anything good lol but also i feel like such a failure#like its not really my fault i got the genes i got. but yknow.#anyway im tired of always being the ugliest person in any group im hanging out with. my cousins? check. my hometown friends? check.#my uni friends? my GOD check (how ARE they all so pretty and skinny??? insane).#god i wish i were dead. like fr fr. im not actively suicidal since i cant bring myself to *do* shit anyway. but i just wish i never existed
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never skips class, finished with papers a week before the deadline to skipping class to finish a paper due tomorrow at 8 am pipeline
#caroline talks#looking at my college self and wondering how the hell#i was on multiple leadership boards for like 4 different clubs#and doing all these insane studies and also writing fic and exercising#i know part of it is that. i have to actually commute to school#another part of it is that i need to go grocery shopping + cook all my meals#another part of it is just like. the sheer weight of law school being so much busier than college#where i'm really doing nothing BUT studying#and now i'm like. man.#but you know! the grass is always greener#telling myself that these are all good things and i should really just chill the fuck out#my first step: do my fucking dishes right now#put away my groceries. maybe change into something that aren't just my fucking pajamas#etc etc
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