#mostly a slightly larger font

[nerdierholler]

I was tagged a few days ago by @serially-wayhaven for WIP show and tell and I now have more progress on my attempted Wayhaven binding. I printed out a book! Holy shit! Looks like real book pages and everything!

I ordered some supplies for putting all of the pages together and that will hopefully be here in the next week. It does mean this is on hold again until then while I wait and also absorb a bunch of tutorials.

Tagging for anytime this week or whenever in the future @evilbunnyking @nat-seal-well @nsewell and back at @serially-wayhaven

[fandomfluffandfuck]

I have dyslexia as well so I listen to podfics a lot! Can I ask how you write so perfectly with dyslexia? No need to answer if you don't want to, jus curious about your process :-)

Hey, sweets, it's no problem, don't worry!

I'm gonna take this opportunity to do what I do best and... overexplain. (Which--the overexplaining, overwriting that I do--I'm convinced is due to dyslexia. It takes a lot of words, which I don't feel naturally attuned to, to communicate the thoughts I have in my head. I struggle with words and sentence structure, and it all comes out tangled, so I just keep trying until I have monster paragraphs, lmao.)

Yeah, I'm dyslexic! Very dyslexic, lmao. And I do a lot to work around it, trying my best to write (mostly) coherent words, but also, I don't really think about the process I use all the time because... it's just what I have to do, y'know? I've always had to have work arounds. Like, I've obviously been dyslexic my entire life, but I didn't get a diagnosis until late, late middle school, and at that point, the "accommodations" I got at school were entirely useless. Like, oh, wonderful, preferential seating. Sure. Yeah. That will definitely help with my dyslexia. Thanks.

I also remember, just as a side note, that it was during that time when I was refused accommodations like extra time for tests, reading aids, note-taking aids, etc. all which would've been EXTREMELY HELPFUL because I was doing "well enough" in school. So, clearly, I didn't "need" them, if anything, they would be "wasted" on me when they could go to someone else who was actually struggling (which, I get, public school funding is shitty and there aren't unlimited resources, but I'm still slightly salty, lol. Just because I didn't appear to be struggling on the outside didn't mean I wasn't struggling. It's similar to having "high functioning" depression, like, it doesn't matter if I can function if I still feel like fucking shit constantly). I was also so, so close to not being diagnosed in the first place because, according to the doctors I saw, I was smart enough that it wouldn't matter.

That's a reoccurring theme with my dyslexia, actually!

People never believe me!

Which, sure, is a compliment to other people. But it's a backhanded one. I don't want to be complimented by pushing everyone else down.

ANYWAY-

The process.

The process starts--background wise--with practice. The shit answer. I know. But, really, practice. I've been writing stories for a lot longer than I've been posting fics. I've written lots of fiction (short stories and nonshort stories), I used to write poetry, and I'm a life-long journal-er. I used to read a lot, lot of books, too, despite the challenges with my dyslexia. It'd just that now I write so much for fandom and with higher education challenging me, I find it hard to have the time or the energy to read and deal with more words than I already do.

So, I have lots of practice on my side, active and passive, but I also have other things...

I type all my fics, and I use fonts and font sizes extensively. I tend to use bigger font sizes overall, not like wildly huge fonts, but not 11 or 12, either. It depends on the font itself--some fonts have larger letters than others. Something about the letters being more visible and having smaller sentence chunks on each line helps me anchor the letters in place.

I also will plan my fics in one font (probably whatever the program is set to by default), then flesh out the plan more in a different font, after I'll actually go and write out my fic in a new font, and when I'm ready to make edits and add final touches I use a new font, again. I tend to bounce between Arial, Verdana, Open Dyslexic, and Comic Sans. Yes, I write smut I comic sans regularly 💀💀

I've seen research that says, yes, fonts can affect dyslexia and research that says it doesn't do shit so... 🤷🏻‍♂️ Either way, I feel like it helps me find mistakes because it tricks my eyes into thinking the words are new, lol. That, and I find it more comfortable to write in dark mode, I don't know why or if it's doing anything specifically to my dyslexia, but I get less lost in the words when in dark mode.

While I'm doing all that font changing, I'm also, as I mentioned, writing and re-writing, which means reading and re-reading. I go over my fics A FUCK TON. Pure repetition irons out a lot of shit by brute force, lol. I have friends who will write essays for school and look over it once, maybe twice if they're feeling spicy. I can not comprehent that. Not me. If I haven't re-read it, once I'm at the final editing and final touches stage, at least six times then... it's not going to be posted. I'll also change fonts between re-readings. And when I put the fucking thing into AO3, I re-read it again.

(I'm sure a beta reader would be very helpful, but I'm also very protective over my art--writing, drawing, sculpture, or otherwise, and so I haven't played with that, lol. You'd have to ask someone else about their experience there!)

While writing, reading, re-writing, and re-reading, I'm also reading out loud to myself.

Everything.

All 👏🏻of 👏🏻 it 👏🏻

I say all of it.

It helps me with flow and writing style, sure, but really, it forces me to realize mistakes and lessens my mistakes. You mentioned podfics and while I haven't gotten into podfics I am a fucking podcast, music, audio guy. I find audio so much easier to process than written words.

(You might find this poll of interest, I do, lol)

Aaaand, while all of this is going on, I also, of course, use a grammar program. I use Grammarly because it was most accessible (re: free and recommended to me by an English teacher) in high school. I keep in mind that it has batshit insane suggestions sometimes, and I have all their bullshit AI helping tools turned off, but... it does help a ton.

In conclusion, something that I am working on myself is that sometimes when I'm having a bad day with my dyslexia--maybe I'm tired and I can't focus, maybe I have a headache, maybe my eyes are fried from staring at a screen all day, maybe I've done too much reading for college, maybe my threshold for frustration has been exceeded and I just can't deal with the challenge that writing presents that day, or whatever--I can't write and I need to accept that. I'm not gonna be able to produce something good, maybe not even something presentable, every time I sit down to write.

That's fine!

That's how writing works for everyone! That's how writing works for me, someone who struggles with letters and numbers and writing and reading and the whole fucking thing. That's okay. Let it happen. Let it go. Try again tomorrow.

Uhhh, I hope some of that, any of that, was of interest? Helpful? Maybe?

[transmasc-wizard]

Making Writblr More Accessible

Hello, all! I'm Nico, your local disabled writer. Specifically, I am (loudly) autistic, as well as coming to terms with the chronic pain that's been following me for a few months. I am also an advocate for accessibility in writblr, because it is unfortunately lacking.

I am not the leader of knowing what accessibility looks like, of course--for instance, while I do wear glasses, my vision is not nearly as affected as anyone considered legally blind and I do not know everything there is to know about being accessible for that. I don't know what it's like to be disabled in ways I'm not, but I do know a lot about accessibility due to spending time in disabled communities, and I want to share that knowledge.

I'll split this into images & GIFs, fonts, blogs, community, and "in conclusion". I'll mostly just talk about blatant inaccessibility, but the community section will discuss community attitudes and behaviours as well.

(The rest of the post will be under a keep reading, for length reasons.)

Images & GIFs.

An undescribed image or GIF is an inaccessible image or GIF. There are blind and visually impaired tumblr users who rely on screen readers, but screen readers cannot read images.

[ID: a photo of Grumpy Cat lying down and looking at the camera. She is white and brown. /end ID.]

There are two ways to do IDs; adding them in the alt text, and adding them in the body of the post. I did both with this image.

An image description should be as short and useful as possible, so the person who needs it gets a good idea of what is in the image but is not overloaded with pointless information. (E.g., I did not describe Grumpy Cat's exact ear shape.) You also should not use tumblr's small text for your ID; more on that in "fonts".

Some images are more complicated than others, and will require a longer ID. You still want to follow the same general rules, though. Keep it simple, but make sure you put in all the important info.

[ID: a two-panel Grumpy Cat meme. In the first panel, an orange tabby cat is smiling and the text reads "smiles are contagious!".

In the second panel, Grumpy Cat is looking over at the first panel, and the text reads "don't worry, I'm vaccinated." /end ID.]

This is an example of a slightly more complicated image.

You want to describe memes, screenshotted tags, picrews, WIP intro powerpoints, GIFs... basically anything that is not normal text. Additionally, you should tag for GIFs ("#gif tw" and "#gif warning") as the sudden flashing and/or movement can risk triggering epileptic seizures.

Fonts.

This overlaps with both the "images & GIFs" section and "blogs" section, so I figured I might as well make it it's own thing.

Some fonts are more accessible than others, both in regards to size and design. This link right here leads to an article about what makes a font more readable, as well as a list of accessible fonts.

Generally, you want a larger font for your blog's desktop layout, as they're easier to read. You also want to use tumblr's regular font when posting; this small text is very difficult to read for many people with vision issues. [Translation: "this small text is very difficult to read for many people with vision issues." /end translation.] Personally, as someone with glasses partly for headaches, attempting to read small text always sets one off. (That's why you shouldn't use it for IDs, either.)

Some dyslexia-friendly and readable fonts include: Arial, Comic Sans, Dyslexie, Helvetica, and Century Gothic, though there are many others. When in doubt of a font's accessibility, look it up!

Blogs

I've had personal inaccessibility difficulties with both previous elements, but this one is really the one that frequently bites me. When designing their desktop blog appearances, people often just consider what looks cool to them, as opposed to what's accessible.

Blog accessibility is important in writblr in particular because when you put any writing or intros under a keep reading, it will redirect to your blog directly. This means your blog layout should be accessible for people with sensory issues, dyslexia, and low vision.

[ID: a screenshot of my blog's desktop layout. It is eggdesign's "iconic" theme, customized. The background is a plain light blue, the posts are white with dark blue font, each post has a yellow border, and the font is arial. /end ID.]

I customized blog's layout to accommodate my own autism-born sensory hypersensitivity and mild visual impairment (needing glasses). The colours are contrasting, which is important for readability, but not overly saturated, which is important for sensory issues. The font is at the normal size with no embellishments.

[ID: @.wherearetheplants' desktop blog layout. Is is the default tumblr theme. The background is plain beige, the posts are white with black font, and the title and bio are brown. /end ID.]

@wherearetheplants is a good example of a well-contrasting but not cluttered or oversaturated blog theme!! (& check him out, he's cool.)

[ID: @.inaccessible-blog-example's first layout. The background is bright green with bright pink accents, and the only post contains one paragraph in small text and one in curvy text. /end ID.]

[ID: @.inaccessible-blog-example's second layout. All the colours are very similar shades of purple, and the only post contains one paragraph in small text and one paragraph in curvy text. /end ID.]

These are two examples of what an inaccessible blog theme may look like; I know I personally would not be able to read anything on either of them for longer than maybe two minutes.

Community

If you want disabled people to feel welcome here, not only should you strive for basic accessibility, but you should also actually think about your internal biases and assumptions and whether you're actually considering disabled people in your day-to-day interaction with the writblr community.

Are you giving disabled & mentally ill traits (psychosis, low empathy, canes, scars, DID, etc) to exclusively villain characters? Are you using words like "narcissist", "psychopath", and "psychotic" as an insult? Are you equating being disabled with being pitiable, inspiring, tragic, or dangerous in how you talk about and portray us? Are you uplifting disabled voices? Are you calling out ableism when you see it, and backing up disabled people who do so? Are you thinking about and deconstructing your personal biases against disabled people?

Asking yourself those questions is important. Examining your behaviour is important. For writblr to be truly accessible, the abled people involved must be willing to take the time to actually alter ableist and saneist behaviours.

In Conclusion

Two final notes:

One. I love writblr. This long-as-hell post is a labor of love, because even though this community has issues, I genuinely love it. I would not be making this post if I thought it was pointless. I think a lot of people aren't being malicious, they just genuinely don't know about these things.

Two. I'm not perfect, and I don't expect anyone to be. We all fuck up, including disabled people ourselves. That doesn't make you a bad person or a bad ally--what matters is that you try, and that when you do make a mistake, you own up to it and try to fix it the best you can.

I hope this was helpful, and if anyone has other comments, feel free to add on.

[fluffykitteninabox]

Fake Vs Real Death Note

These are the two notes side by side. The one on the left is the fake. The title on the real one is larger, especially the letter D. This isn't obvious from the picture but the letters on the real version are embedded into the cover so you can feel them when you trace your fingers over the title. The fake one has the title just printed on top so it's a lot smoother.

These are the see through pages. For the fake version this is the second page. The real one has an extra blank page at the beginning so this is the third one. The real one's design is much larger than the fake. It's in the shape of a heart that frames the skull that's on the page behind it. The fake one doesn't resemble anything in particular or at least I don't understand what it's supposed to look like. The only common feature the two designs have are the wings. However the wings on the real version look like a butterfly's wings, while the ones on the fake have feathers like a bird's wings have.

The pages right after are very similar. The only difference is that the real version has more details on the skull design. The text is also a little larger and the letters are closer together. Both of the Es of the words Death Note in the fake version are facing the wrong direction. In the real version the first E is facing the wrong way but the last one is facing the correct way making them opposite to each other.

The first rule page. In the fake version the text is tiny and the English doesn't make any sense. In the real version the text is larger with a slightly different font. The English is mostly correct. I read through all of the rules and there are some parts that seem like they weren't translated well but you can still understand what they're trying to say.

The corner designs are different. The ones on the real version are a bit bigger and are symmetrical, while the fake ones aren't. The skull design takes up a lot of space and has less detail in the fake version.

The second page that Light wrote. This is from the first episode of the anime when Light was still testing the notebook and he wrote the name of a random guy he saw on the street that was assaulting a woman. He wrote the name with different spellings since he had just heard it and didn't know what the correct one would be. In the real version there are seven variations of the name while in the fake there are only six.

The butterfly design in the corner is also different. The real version has a mostly black butterfly whose wings have the same design as the wings on the heart design of the see through page we talked about earlier. The text that says death note is overlapping the butterfly design. On the fake version the butterfly is mostly white with a thick black outline and the text is underneath.

These are the most noticeable differences. There's other smaller ones, like the different font and spacing of the letters. The boxes that the notes come in are also slightly different but I don't have the fake box to do a comparison because I bought it years ago.

This is unrelated but if you go the page with the FBI agents' names (on both versions) there's a person named Frigde and the first time I saw it I read it as fridge....I hope everyone finds this as funny as I did because I spent 2 minutes on the floor laughing hysterically

[pinemountainobservations]

Observation: RYM Top 100 Album Cover Review #14

The Black Saint and the Sinner Lady by Charles Mingus

Out of Rate Your Music’s top albums so far, this is the first one that doesn’t fit into any subgenre within Rock or Hip-Hop. I think there’s probably some very interesting criticism that someone smarter than me could level about how RYM is dominated by mostly male users and their opinions on music. Rock and Hip-Hop are the most popular genres among men on average, so it makes sense that the “greatest albums of all time” according to RYM fall mostly within those genres, even if they are experimental or alternative versions.

Anyways, I don’t really want to write a whole essay dissecting the various flaws of a stupid music rating website, so let’s talk about RYM’s favorite jazz record of all time, The Black Saint and the Sinner Lady, arranged by Charles Mingus.

This record is great. Of course it is, it's this high for a reason. It’s got a different feel than some of the other jazz albums that I’ll talk about later, Mingus was working with a much larger group than most of his contemporaries and the music ends up exploring many more spaces and feeling a lot larger and grander because of it. Personally, I think I appreciate the spiritual jazz of Pharaoh Sanders and John Coltrane a bit more, but I’m also not a huge jazz-head, and definitely don’t appreciate all the subtleties. I’m okay with that though, I’m sure I’ll get better at it as I listen to more great jazz, and for now I’m fine just sticking to album cover reviews.

So what about that cover? This one is pretty simple, it’s a photograph that almost looks like a painting, with a bit of text and a very plain background. Like a lot of older records, including ones I’ve already reviewed like Abbey Road and Ziggy Stardust, I think my current expectations for design and aesthetic are definitely getting in the way of appreciating this cover for what it was when it was made. But at the same time, I’m only here to give my opinion, so I can only really judge it by my standards. And my standards tell that this album, while it does fall into the “picture of the artist with text” genre of cover, it’s at least a nice and somewhat interesting version of that. The portrait is really cool, Mingus looks very smooth, relaxed but powerful, and it’s a great way to introduce him as the orchestrator of the music that’s to come. The text is alright, I like the font and placement of his name, but the name of the album is in a different, very boring font and I feel like a slightly different placement would make it more readable. The smaller text underneath is in another version of the title text’s font, so we’ve got three different fonts in three different type sizes sitting all right below each other, which is a strange choice. The color choices are nice though, and it's overall not a bad cover. Just kind of boring and with weird text choices. I personally think a more maximalist cover might convey the feeling of the music better, if I hadn’t listened to this I would have guessed that this is just one cool dude playing the saxophone (I know Mingus was a bassist, but that also isn’t conveyed by the cover at all). Bonus points for being a really good portrait and an example of nice photography, but it’s still not my favorite cover.

For the first jazz album in RYM’s top 100, I’m starting off pretty low with a 5/10

[lilygreyham]

Fundamentals 1: Week 9

3rd May

(Right before I was about to post this it deleted ALL of my text so due to time constraints here is a brief version of everything I wrote)

Today in Fundamentals we are learning about InDesign! An Adobe software this is typically used for organising text and image together on pages which is mostly used to publish books, zines, or brochures. The first thing we did was open up InDesign to look at the layout. There are some similar tools to Illustrator and Photoshop but also a lot of different new tools and settings. We created a text box to the margin outline and added text filler as this is what we'll be using as our base for the different tools today.

The first thing we pulled up was the Styles palette which contained Paragraph Styles and Character Styles. We learnt that paragraph styles are for editing large areas of text whereas character styles are used for editing a handful of words at a time.

In order to use the paragraph styles palette we selected an area of text and made adjustments to the text to have our desired font, size, and style and then add a new paragraph style (Paragraph Style 1) by clicking the + icon at the bottom of the palette. As you can see below in the second image the Paragraph Style Options menu is opened and we can see all of the different adjustments that are available in the settings. But for now we can just check that the Paragraph Style 1 has the style settings that we want, give it. name (we went for Body text) and we can then click Ok to create it. So now, when we want to make a certain area of text the exact same style as the Body Text, we can just highlight the text and click on the Body Text style in the palette and it will change the text accordingly.

Next we created another paragraph style but this time for our headings. As you can see below we went through pretty much the exact same process as before but made adjustments to the text to have our desired heading style. In the settings we could also adjust the spacing between rows of text so for the headings we made sure there was a small space between the header and body text, and a slightly larger space between the header and the previous paragraph above it. Once we were happy with it we created added the paragraph style to the palette.

We then moved on to character styles, which is almost identical to paragraph styles but is used for when we are just editing one word or several words in a sentence. For this we had a look at changing a few words in a sentence to have an italic style of font. Again, we have the same process when creating the style in the character style settings and once happy we were able to create it and see it in the character style palette.

Another important thing to know was around the bullet and numbering section on the paragraph styles option menu. By selecting an area of text and going into the paragraph style settings we can add bullet points to the text. However, the automated style of bullet points has quite a gap between the bullet point and the text, so what we can do is adjust the indent in the options menu to bring the text closer. Another adjustment we made was to create more spacing between the bulleted text and the text above + below it to make the whole area of text look less cramped.

Moving on from paragraph and character styles, we're now looking at how to add an image on InDesign and how we can fit it in around the text on our page. The image we were given was this cute frog illustration. One thing Toby showed us was that if we wanted to edit the image on Illustrator, we can place the file as a linked file on InDesign and whatever changes we make to it on Illustrator can be saved and will then update on InDesign (shown in the images below).

We also learnt that cropping and resizing an image in InDesign is quite different to Illustrator. If you were to just click and drag a corner of the image out or in, nothing really changes for the image, but it changes the size of its frame. If you hold down shift and drag a corner of the image inward it will actually crop the image down. You can also drag the frame around the image and if it crosses lines with the image then it will crop it (so hard to explain).

So what we did was crop the image down by holding shift while dragging the frame of the image inward until the majority of the image was just the frog. This is what we'll be putting into our page. When initially placing the on the page we realised that the text was still behind it. In order to fix this we had to select the image and choose a different text wrap option, which in this case was for the text to wrap around the image (seen below). We also made adjustments to the indent around the image so that there is some space between the image and the text.

Toby also showed us that while we can have square frames with images in them for our content, we can also have images that appear in other shapes. As seen below we have the original image of the frog (with a bow of course, so cute) and have simply placed a stroke-only circle over it, getting the desired position of how the image will be cropped. We then hit command + X to cut the image, and then right-click on the circle and selecting the "Paste Into" option which as you can see below, pastes the image into the circle.

This can then be ready to use on our page. Again, we can change the text wrap options to make sure there is no text behind the image OR too close to the image.

I'm pretty sure that was most of what we covered in this class. Even though it all seems like fairly mundane things to learn I actually enjoyed this class and I am glad to know the basics of InDesign. I know for certain that, like with all other software we've used, there are a lot of things we learnt today that would've taken me forever to figure out by myself. Still grateful for this class every time and the skills and knowledge I've gained that will most definitely be used a lot in the future.

[georgiacampbellgrad502s2]

WEEK 3 SDL PT.1 of 3  Design Audit

Internetmatters.org, is where parents and professionals can find the most comprehensive and credible resources, information and support to keep children safe online. This is somewhat similar to my campaign except it focuses on children more than young adults. However, it does state that older generations use the resource so it has relevant information.

Their Website :

This is their home page. A friendly sans serif font with simple graphics that convey an easy going approach to a more serious matter. The almost neon green makes their first Title less legible as the colour is so bright. The first thing you see is the banner in the centre of the page. Which makes me question why they have a Title above it that is far less easy to see.

Their colour palette is mostly bright lime green except for some title and iconography that are red and blue and occasionally some yellow is thrown in. I find this uneven balance of colours of colour hierarchy a bit hard to piece together as a coherent colour palette.

The typography is easy to ready with generous tracking, paragraph spacing and font size for the viewer to easily read. They keep the paragraphs short and sweet so if users want to read more they simply click on the article.

The layout is slightly confusing with various different tabs and links to click on. On the homepage alone there were dozens of articles of the vier to click on which I thought was a bit overwhelming.

However, their graphics and iconography used is clear to the audience and user friendly. Simple icons with contrasting colours make them easier to make out. The tabs at the top of the website have great subheadings that make your topic of interest easy to find.

They keep photography consistent with either close up shots of children with screens in school or at home. Or they use family shots that look like stock images with screens in them too.

Their Facebook :

They keep the face book pretty much identical to their website which is a plus and creates more cohesiveness. Their facebook has 32,000 likes and operates in London. I also found that they offer other services like handling money online and they also create interactive and educational video games for children. Their umbrella of focus is wider than I first thought.

Logo :

This sans serif typeface is playful and neutral towards it’s audience. The tight tracking of letters and contrast of bold and light text is - personally - slightly off putting. The two dots of the ‘I’ and full stop are much larger. I wonder when they were designing it if those dots had more purpose or meaning. I feel as though something more obvious that relates to their campaign could have been used. This also reminds me of the old kiwi bank advertising and that’s what I seem to associate with it before reading it.

[oakleaf--bearer]

@jonmartinweek day two - injury!

also on ao3

When dealing with matters of the heart, Jon was about the furthest from a natural that there could be. 

He was... rusty to say the least. Awkward was a generous way to put it. Completely and utterly useless was far more accurate. 

So when Georgie had laughed and asked when he and Martin had started dating, he had been understandably taken aback and politely asked her what she meant by that. ("Georgie, what the fuck?" had been his exact wording). She'd shrugged and patted his knee, telling him that he should probably talk to Martin as soon as he got back to the Institute. 

He stared down at the ring sat on the table, a frown creasing his forehead. It had been something of a whim purchase. He had bought it several years ago after reading about the concept online, and he'd just....not taken it off. Every time it left his hand, he'd itched to put it back on as soon as possible. 

And now, a blistering burn mark on his hand was stopping him from putting it back on. A small, mostly insignificant piece of his identity stripped back and taken away from him. 

A gentle knock at the door startled him out of his quiet contemplation. 

"Hello." Martin poked his head around the door. "Tea?"

"Thank you, Martin."

Martin smiled, and Jon remembered Georgie's assumption. Would he? It wasn't the most unimaginable thing in the world. Martin was friendly. Charming, comfortable, welcoming. But dating? Maybe... But Jon had done dating before. He'd explained what the ring in the table meant to enough people that he was tired. Tired of the assumptions, the questions, the idea that there was one person out there who would change his mind, all he needed was a good- 

Martin wasn't that person. When Jon ran through the mental 'relationship checklist', he could imagine so many different aspects with Martin. Holding hands, going on dates, even waking up next to each other, but that particular facet of a relationship was completely unimaginable. It wasn't that Martin was unattractive, simply that Jon just didn't see the attractiveness like that. 

"What's that?" Martin gestured to the ring. 

"Oh, uh, nothing." Jon covered it with his good hand. "Just a- nothing."

"Riiight." Martin placed the tea on his desk, in easy reach. "Keep your secrets then."

"Hmm." Jon hummed, still examining Martin's face. 

"Jon? You alright?" 

"Oh!" Jon realised he was staring and quickly looked away. "Sorry." 

"It's okay." Martin said with an audible smile that made Jon's heart do something ridiculous. 

"Martin..." Jon didn't really know what he was going to say. "Are you- I- Hmm." 

"Take your time."

"Have lunch with me. That is, if you want to, please don't feel like I'm pressuring you, you can say no if you-"

"Jon." Martin put a hand on his desk, gentle, a calming reminder of a calming man. "I'd love to." 

Jon stared at the hand. It was larger than his own. When he'd arrived back in the archives, trailing blood and exhaustion behind him, Martin had sat and re-wrapped the clumsy bandages he had put on it, patiently telling him off for not going to a doctor and getting it checked. Jon hadn't been able to look away from his hands then either, just gazing at them with sleepy eyes, his mind fixed on the image of Martin taking care of him. Carefully picking up the pieces he had left flung about the place and putting them back together, gently slotting them back into place.

Martin took him to a sandwich place around the corner from the institute. Jon stared at the menu, trying to decipher the swirling font. The letters swam slightly as he read them, the words jumbling together. 

“Jon?” Martin bumped their shoulders together lightly, bending down to Jon's height to compensate for the difference. “What are you going to order?”

 “I-  What do you recommend?” 

Martin smiled. “Hmm. How about the tuna and sweetcorn? It’s a classic, you know?”

“Sure.” 

Martin ordered for them and nudged Jon towards a table in the corner. Jon went willingly, content to listen to Martin chatter away about the wait times and the various bouts of  people-watching he had gotten up to in this cafe. Despite Jon’s lack of contributions, Martin seemed to be fine carrying the conversation on his own. A couple of people gave them odd glances, no doubt wondering what Martin, kind, gentle-looking Martin, was doing with a grumpy sack of exhaustion. Externally, they didn't match. They were diametrically opposed, two entities that shouldn't exist in the same space without causing some kind of epoch changing event. 

But the more Jon pondered it, the more he realised that he wanted to be here, sat opposite Martin, listening to him talk, letting him order his sandwiches and hold his hand-

Jon’s brain skipped a beat. 

Martin had placed his hand over Jon’s where it rested on the table and was staring at him, concern across his face. “Jon? You okay?”

‘I care about him’, Jon realised with a start. ‘This is my friend.’

Martin nudged his hand around so that he could properly take it in his own. The motion dislodged the ring that Jon still held clutched in his bandaged fingers. It clattered out, its black outline stark against the faded beige of the tabletop. 

“Oh, sorry.” Martin picked it up to hand it back to Jon. “You might want to be a bit more careful. You don't want to lose this.”

“What?” Jon stared down at Martin’s hand. It felt ridiculous to see Martin holding out his ring and for Jon to feel this weightless. The gentle curl of Martin’s fingers around the band set Jon’s mind whirling down avenues lined with graffiti reading ‘Just tell him’ and ‘Maybe it will go well’. 

Jon took a deep breath and took the plunge. 

“I’m sorry, Martin.”

Martin blinked. “R-right? What for?”

“All of it.” Jon reached out and covered Martin’s, still holding Jon’s ace ring up in front of them. “You were always- I’m glad you're here. With me.” He carefully took the ring and let go of Martin’s hand. It looked shockingly sad sitting in the palm of Jon’s bandaged hand. Another piece of who he was now associated with pain. An uncomfortably familiar reality that Jon was steadily becoming used to. 

Martin reached across the table and gave Jon’s hand a quick squeeze. Jon hissed at the jolt of pain lacing up his arm. 

“Oh god, Jon, I’m so sorry, I didnt- I didnt think, that was stupid of me-” Martin’s hands fluttered in the air around Jon’s. “God, that was awful of me, I’m really sorry-”

“It’s okay,” Jon said, grabbing at Martin with his uninjured hand. “It’s fine, it's already passed.” 

Martin gave him an apologetic smile, but didn’t argue. “That’s important to you, huh?”

“Hmm?”

“The ring. I’ve seen you wear it a lot. Does it mean something?”

“Oh.” Jon hadn't considered the possibility that Martin might be aware of the ring's existence. In his head, it existed in a bubble, separate from work and his colleagues. It made sense, he supposed, that Martin was able to see into that bubble, since its edges had been bumping against Jon’s perception of Martin for a little while now. “It, ah, its a- Its a sexuality thing.”

To Martin’s credit, he didn’t even blink at the idea that Jon might not be straight, just nodded and smiled encouragingly. “I thought so. Asexuality, right?” 

“Wha- Yes.” Jon had been gearing up to explain the intricacies of asexuality, not for Martin to already have that knowledge. 

“It came up when I was doing research trying to figure out my own sexuality.”

That caught Jon off guard. For some reason, throughout all of his deliberations trying to figure out where on Jon’s internal spectrum Martin sat, he had failed to consider the actual real life possibility of Martin’s queerness. “You’re-”

“Oh, I’m not ace.” Martin shook his head. “At least, I don't think so. Labels,” he chuckled. “Confusing stuff. I usually just go with gay and trans to sum me up.” 

A small, overlooked lightbulb in the back of Jon’s mind flickered to life as a couple of pieces of information fell into place with a quiet ‘oh!’

“I saw the ring but I didn't want to ask in case it was just a style thing. A lot of people don't know about this stuff and it's sometimes hard to tell, you know?”

“Right.”

“I guess the bandages stop you wearing it, right?” It was a non-sentence, a piece of idle observation that Martin was making. But it still stung. 

“It feels somewhat ridiculous to say but- I think I’m going to miss it. It’s just a ring, it's not my entire sexuality, I’ll still be ace without wearing it, but I’m still- It feels like I’m missing a piece of something that I was trying to hold onto, you know?”

Martin nodded. “I understand. Here-” he reached up and unclasped a thin chain that had been hanging around his neck. “You can borrow this. I’ll take these off for now.” He slipped off a couple of charms that had been hanging on it. Smiling, he held out the chain.

“You- You’re sure?”

“Yeah.” Martin wiggled the chain in the air between them slightly. “You can give it back when your hand is better.”

Wordlessly, Jon took the chain and looped the ring onto it. He lifted to try and fix the clasp around his neck, but he couldn't get the clasp open. Martin pushed his chair back, coming to stand behind Jon, taking the chain out of his hands and closing the clasp for Jon. 

“There.” Martin smoothed Jon’s collar down. “That looks nice!”

“Thank you.” Jon whispered, then louder, “Thank you, Martin. This- This means a lot.” 

Martin shrugged a little awkwardly, cheeks turning red. “No trouble. It means a lot to you, so, you know, you should be able to carry it with you.”

He smiled down at Jon, and once again Jon felt the small jolt of recognition, of comfort. The bubble in his mind fully merged with Martin, creating something new that, at least for a few more long, exhausting months, Jon didn't know to call love.

[foggy-with-a-matt]

It’s been a while since I’ve posted any art, mostly because it has been a busy time for me. But please enjoy some Cover art I did for @happybeans story Be Mine! This story/art was done in collaboration for @themattfogblog ‘s Matt/Foggy Big Bang event!

Go have a read!

[Image description: A digital drawing depicting, at the top, a sunset behind a mountain of pine trees all sloping down to form a V shape in the middle of the image. A flock of crows fly out from the left side of the image going to the right. The rays of the sun are shinning from just above that letter M of the title “Be Mine” in stylized font. The ‘Be’ is in a cursive font while the ‘Mine’ is in all caps in a rugged and rough font. Below that reads ‘By HappyBeans’ in the cursive font and, below that, ‘art by BlueBioluminescence’ in the rugged font. Below that against a dark blue-green and black background are depictions of Karen (left), Matt (center), and Foggy (right). Karen is a young white girl with straight blond hair which is held back by a black headband. She is wearing a three-fourths sleave shirt with a green zip-down vest, a black choker, a necklace, and numerous bracelets. She is clutching at Matt’s shoulder with one hand and looking into the distance with a worried but determined expression. Matt is a young latino man with curly brown hair. He is wearing a red button-down shirt under a larger blue plaid button down that is a little too big for him. In his arms he holds a white cat. His head is tilted slightly to the side as if listening to what it in front of him intently. Foggy is a young Ute man with straight black hair that is mostly covered by a light blue and red baseball cap that he has on backwards. He is wearing a multi-colored striped shirt under a blue denim jacket that is a little too big for him. He is clutching at Matt’s other arm and looking to the side nervously.]

[rainbowcapitalism]

happy pride!

it's the first of June and WOW brands really went off this year with the rainbow so here's all the brands and places that I saw (mostly through advertisement) on my morning scroll through instagram

[image description: a screenshot of the Playbill Instagram profile. It shows the account name playbill at the top and on the left is the icon which is a bold letter P. The background is of a rainbow gradient around the circle with white in the center. To the right of the icon is shows they have 3,393 posts, 709k followers, and are following 421 pages.]

[image description: the Knix instagram profile. At the top it shows the username knix, and below shows the icon and profile details. The icon is the word knix in white font on top of a rainbow background of pink, white, blue, brown, black, red, orange, yellow, green, blue, purple. To the right it shows they have 2786 posts, 368k followers, and follow 1270 pages.]

[image description: the Virgin Mobile Canada instagram profile. The username at the top is virginmobilecan. The icon shows their logi which is a lospided oval shape with the word "virgin" in cursive font slanting upwards. Overlapping slightly is a smaller oval shape that has the word "mobile" in a regular text font. The larger oval is rainbow with a chevron on the left side with the colors of the trans flag and black and brown. The smaller oval is black. They have 977 posts, 12.7k followers, and follow 695 pages.]

[image description: the Narcity Canada instagram profile. The username at the top is narcitycanada, and the icon has the text "narcity canada" in all caps and white block letters. Behind the text is a rainbow gradient background that's slightly angled to red is toward the left and blue/purple is toward the right. They have 19.6k posts, 789k followers, and follow 6473 pages.]

[image description: the Pinterest instagram profile. The username is pinterest, and the icon shows the Pinterest logo of a stylized P. The icon has uneven stripes of brown, black, pink, light blue, red, dark blue, purple, and a more pink-ish purple. The P in the center is striped to line up with the background, and is colored white, yellow, light green, pink, yellow. They have 718 posts, 1.8M followers, and follow 379 pages.]

[image description: a university instagram page. The username is not shown. The icon shows the school crest which is shield-shaped and inside it is a book, mountains, and grain/wheat icons. It is colored rainbow in a starburst pattern where the colors are coming from the center outwards, cycling through the rainbow, trans pride colors, and brown and black. They have 1030 posts, 57.7k followers, and follow 619 pages.]

Ok this is my school so that's why I've cut off the name and aside from the part where they do fuck all for queer students, they chose the ugliest possible way to do this

[image description: a screenshot of an instagram story from USA Swimming. On a black background it has the text "happy pride month" next to a small rainbow heart sticker. Below this is the USA swimming logo which is a crest with the name on it, and vertical stripes at the bottom representing lanes in a pool. Below the crest is a wavy line that is colored rainbow and "#swimclusion". At the bottom is an upward arrow icon and the text "check out our LGBTQ+ resources to see how you can support your athletes & teammates." and "swipe up to view website".]

This is far from all, it's just what I saw in like 20 minutes this morning and I've already seen so many more on other platforms

[whatevercomestomymind]

Hi, sorry to bother you, but I saw your post about learning calligraphy to better your handwriting? I was wondering if you remember any practice materials or methods you might have used? I have horrible handwriting and am trying to better it, but keep hitting walls on finding any practice materials that aren’t kindergarten level. Again, sorry to bother you on an old post but I thought you might be able to help another in their pursuit for better penmanship.

Not a problem! And I just posted that yesterday, so you're good!

There's an absolute TON of instructional work on calligraphy, and I agree, most start off way too basic, and then just skip through the "practice practice practice" portion, and end up not really teaching the evolution of the letter forms, which is stupidly helpful, especially once you already know the basics of handwriting.

I'll post a list of books I 1000% recommend at the bottom, but there's a few things to know about calligraphy when you start.

Calligraphy and handwriting are seen as 2 different art forms now. They didn't use to be.

There is a HUGE difference between your "daily hand" and "calligraphy."

Learning calligraphy will have a relatively small impact on your daily hand unless you practice a style that is foundationally similar to what you already know.

So, you have 2 goals: learning "fancy" lettering, and improving your handwriting.

If you want to improve your handwriting, you have to go in reverse historical chronological order, so that your hands and eye adapts most naturally, which will give you the fastest results.

So where to start?

First, if you're American, you were probably taught the D'Nealian script (block and cursive) when you learned how to write (https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/D%27Nealian)

This was derived from the Palmer Script (https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Palmer_Method)

Which is in turn derived from Spencerian script (https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spencerian_script), and in turn before that, Copperplate (which is more of a font family rather than a specific style, it's most famous offspring being English Roundhand).

If your goal is to improve your daily writing style, practice those hands in that order. DO NOT BE TEMPTED TO START WITH COPPERPLATE, IT WILL MELT YOUR BRAIN. TRUST ME.

I'd start with Palmer tbh. That's probably what your grandparents learned, and have you seen letters from the 1940s? Fuckin beautiful.

The key points are the angle of your paper, the angle of your pen, and your letter spacing. The styles all the way back to Spencerian tend to still allow for you to manipulate the pen with your fingers (like you're used to) rather than your whole wrist or arm (like older scripts like classic italics, copperplate and Gothic styles).

Here's a really old and really fabulous guide to the entire Palmer method: https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=http://lcweb2.loc.gov/service/gdc/scd0001/2006/20060809007pa/20060809007pa.pdf&ved=2ahUKEwjwtLfquYvsAhXydM0KHUpDBCMQFjAbegQIAhAB&usg=AOvVaw3cruMOFNqF4iK6as-toBJN

It's a free PDF. Pay particular attention to the section of scribbles and circles! THESE ARE NOT OPTIONAL IF YOU WANT TO RE-TRAIN YOUR HAND. You have to use muscles in ways they're not used to moving, so get a pad of paper, and in idle down-time (watching TV, riding the bus, on that stupid Zoom meeting that could have been an email), SIT THERE AND SCRIBBLE OVALS LIKE A LUNATIC.

Seriously, this is the single best thing you can do to improve your handwriting. And artwork for that matter. You have to train your hand. You have to start being conscious of how the pen feels, how it scratches the paper depending on how hard you press, how thick lines feel vs thin ones, how a miniscule change in pressure changes the whole line and shape you're doodling.

AUTISM/ADHD NOTE: doing this may make you feel weird, or overstimulated! If it's not something you can keep doing, then DONT. If like me though, you find the repetitive movement and scratchy feel of the pen on paper soothing, you're gonna freaking love this part.

So that covers scripts for the most part (well at least for the past couple of centuries).

ON TO BLOCK LETTERING!

In my research, I found that those annoying bubble letters with the I hearts I despised in middle school actually had a historical precedent: Uncial lettering.

Uncial (and half-uncials) lettering was the signature font of the Kells Monastery, and what we all think of when we thing "celtic/Irish lettering". Famous examples are the way Bilbo Baggins writes in the Hobbit and LOTR films, more pub signs than you can shake a stick at, etc.

Remember what I said about how older scripts require less finger movement and more wrist/whole arm movement? Half-uncial is one of those odd intersectional fonts. Below a 5/8" line height, you'll probably get good results moving mostly your fingers, but as you scale up, you'll get smoother lines by moving larger joints (wrist, keeping fingers in place, and then whole arm for 3"+ line heights).

The foundation of half uncial font is the circle. But it's more of a horizontal oval. Once you can draw a slightly elongated circle, and a straight line, you're ready for half uncials because every other letter is based on the "O". A's? A circle with a stick. D's? 3/4 of a circle with a horizontal ascender.

Now this us where the books I recommend come in.

You're going to want to start with the Celtic Design series by Aidan Meehan. Start with "A Beginner's Manual". It lays out the mathematical and geometric construction behind every major facet of celtic illumination. I particularly like the bit on the geometry of Insular letters at the end.

Then go through "Celtic Alphabets", followed by "Illuminated Lettes" if you're interested in the embellishments and decorated letters, though it does talk about how letter forms are constructed geometrically, which i found super useful.

But the font i use the most on a regular basis is Architects Hand. It's an all caps highly angular and tight, but easy to read and execute hand. Here's an example:

Since its mostly straight lines designed for optimal readability even at the smallest font point sizes, it's a super useful and easy way to write fairly quickly and legibly.

I hope this helps to answer your question and points you in the right direction! Since I moved on to specializing in knotwork and illumination fairly quickly after discovering calligraphy, I have a lot more information about those subjects than handwriting, but if you want more info, by all means, ask away!

[shazzbaa]

Hi Shazz, hope you're doing well and keeping safe! I've been following you for years now, I love how expressive and detailed your art is! I was wondering if you had any advice on incorporating text into art. I see a lot of your stuff with lyrics or quotes in the piece, and it always looks so natural and complementary, when I think words in art can have a tendency to look very stuck-on and superfluous. Is there anything you keep in mind when you're doing this?

Oh gosh!! Thank you so much!! Putting text into images is oNE OF MY FAVOURITE THINGS so I'm always really delighted when people like them, I just.... like words a lot and have A LOT OF FEELINGS,

General Disclaimer that IDK WHAT IM DOING REALLY.... I'm not familiar with the like, relevant Graphic Design Standards for these sorts of things; like, I'm sure there's some helpful rules about how many fonts is too many fonts and what ratio the different sizes of text should be to each other -- I don't know any of those things off the top of my head and am generally just fussing around until things look nice to me.

But, hmm, I guess the main things I do think about are:

>> The Text is Part of the Art

Usually when I'm sketching something that I'm planning to be a lyrics picture or have a quote in it or whatever, I’ll sketch out the words as if they're a piece of the image!

I wanted to scribble up something real quick to show how this looks when I'm first pondering an idea but uhhhhhhhh y'all all know where my brain is right now and the song stuck in my head today was a BATIM song so,,,

(lyrics from Recording Gold by CK9C, hilighted the bits that are text since it’s not super readable at this stage. Just an example; I would probably shift these around a bunch as I cleaned up the sketch if I were to finish this)

I use those boxy shapes a lot while fussing with where I want the text to go and the space I want it to take up -- I usually start scribbling the words I want and then making a rough box shape around them that’s closer to the shape I want. I can rework the spacing and such of letters inside the box afterwards, but I'll often just shift that shape around at first to see how itll look.

>> Placing Words

The main things I'm thinking about when I do art-with-words is rhythm and like, how the text makes you look at certain parts of the drawing. The size and the spacing of the text is mostly me thinking of rhythm; bits that are the same size or in the same "block" will be read as one piece, words that are larger will break that and have a heavier beat to them, sometimes changing the font will also get this effect of making one word more intense than the others, words being mushed close together or stretched out will affect the rhythm of how they're read, and obviously literal space on the page can put space between words.

A lot of my word placement is simultaneously thinking about framing the image in a way that looks interesting but also making your eye run into the image (and words) at a good time -- I find that people's eyes will often look for and follow text first, so writing within an image is a really easy way to take control of the viewer's eye. And also thinking about just.... generally making sure people read things in the right order, whiCH LIKE, SOUNDS OBVIOUS, but once you start trying to artistically balance words around in the image it can be easy to forget or accidentally fling people's eyes off in a weird direction.

---------

I’m not sure if this answers your question, since a lot of making this kind of drawing is just me making pretty-looking patterns out of words, or having a whole bunch of emotions and just needing the words to be there in the picture, but this is at least kinda how I approach it?? I HOPE THIS IS SLIGHTLY HELPFUL, pls feel free to ask if there’s something i can explain better!!

[isanyonetoknow]

Narrations - wip (re?)intro

Genre: science fiction, (urban) fantasy, historical fiction(esque), mystery

POV: third person limited/omniscient 

Status: it’s complicated 

WC: ~130k (projected but who really knows) 

Trigger/Content Warnings (will be updated accordingly): body horror, mild violence (’onscreen’ and referenced), mild swearing, unreality  

additional info:

narrations is essentially a story that’s made of four different but interconnected stories. each of the works take place in a different world, with a mostly different cast, and with a different plot, though there is an overarching plot/things that connect the works together (which is where the mystery comes in). Reality gets rewritten, different worlds are traveled to, and sometimes people don’t “exist” sometimes they shouldn’t “exist” but at this point, it’s the least concerning thing on the list. 

tag list* (lmk to be added/taken off):

@theworst-pirate, @anomaly00, @purgatoryforever

*this is a sort of re-intro, so there is another tag list that existed when this work was older and slightly different. because it has been a while since i used that tag list and, like i mentioned, things have changed, i’m not using that tag list here, though i will be providing the people on it the opportunity to rejoin if they’re still interested. 

image descriptions:

ID of the first image:

there is a beige/tan colored background, and on it there are three main photographs, a calendar, splotches of mostly blue paint, and three scraps of paper.  The scrap in the upper left hand corner says “Work One - A Rebellion” and on the next line says “a rebellion in a city that’s been stretching on for years; magic churning when before, it had been barely stirring; we finally figure out where the missing go” in all caps.  The second scrap of paper is under the first and has this written upon it: “Surveillance report / and fifty-two were lost in / The raid on X-02 was succ / Future areas of weakness /  1. Strife between the Fa / 2. Someone is aware o / 3.Only SenX on our si / 4. Low on weapons i / 2” with the slashes indicating line breaks and the last 2 acting as a page number.  The third scrap of paper in the upper right hand corner says “Notes” and then under that, says, “i saw another flash of blue today and i think i'm fucking terrified. i can't leave yet because there are people here. but that's never stopped it before. that's never stopped Them before. I just dunno what the fuck i'm going to do. fight to stay here to my last breath i guess” also in all caps and in a sort of handwriting like font.  Behind the second scrap of paper is the first photo, and it’s of a bus in the distance and a fire behind/surrounding it. you can see people headed towards it. The second photo is under the third scrap of paper, and it’s of a man with a blue, long sleeved, colored shirt. His face is obscured by blue paint.  Under the second photo is the third, and it looks like it shows watchtowers near a dam. It was taken at night, and there seems to be fog or the spray of water in it.  The calendar has three blue splotches of paint on it and the 17th and the 30th of that month are circled in red. 

ID of the second image:

There is a gray slate as the background and there are scratches upon it. Everything is black and white. There are two photos in the upper left hand corner, and the left most is of a dark wood. The one to its right is of two dark figures and these transparent forms that almost look like ghosts or very large vertical shadows.  There are two scraps of paper. The one in the bottom left hand corner says “Work Two - A Crack” with ink arrows pointing to “Crack”. Underneath it, it says (on the same scrap of paper) “people fall in between the cracks, and it hasn’t been a problem, except that the cracks have been growing larger and larger with each passing day.” There are ink splotches behind this paper. The second scrap of paper is in the upper right hand corner and it says “Case no. 12 / Date: 17th Jan. 1952 / Instance: false alarm. / Client: William Robins. / Details: Robins came in on the 10th of January after hearing noises and disturbances within the flat in which he lived alone. The sounds wouldn't go away and after about three weeks of this, he decided to seek out help. He thought he was pursued by a malignant ghost. Was instead him jumping to conclusions, as he was rather jumpy after murdering his neighbor for money. Was turned into the police. / Only paid the start off fee.”  Underneath this second paper, there is a pile of papers and next to that pile, there is a leather rucksack. 

ID of the third image:

There is a lightish green background, and across the image, there are water color strokes of beige. These are usually accompanied with art/pictures of plants and or flowers. There are four images. The three in the left hand of the screen are, from bottom to top, of a hand and a light ; a camera ; a hand reaching towards the left. All of these are in low lighting. The image in the right half is of the mountains in the distance, with a forest visible before it. The text in the bottom right hand corner reads “Work Three - A Rescue” and underneath it, it says, “an inadvertent rescue for someone who knows it won't succeed. the story is never what it looks like. no one knows where the truth ends and the lies begin.”

ID of the fourth image:

There is a dark background, like a chalkboard, and there are two images. The one to the left is of a prison cell door, though the image is slightly distorted. The image to the right is of a blurred tape cassette. There are scraps of paper with words on them forming a structure that almost looks like a star case, the bottom step under the prison door photo and the final step above the tape cassette and under the text in the upper right hand corner. There is also a scrap of paper that acts as a border to the left side of the prison cell. The text in the upper right hand corner reads “Work Four - A Conversation” and underneath it says “a conversation between two prisoners and their subsequent escape”

edit: forgot to thank my sister, because i bugged her so much while making this, asking if this color looked nice, or that position, or this object, and without her, this wouldn’t be all that good. so thanks sis

[cubesquareddigital]

The Art of the Marvel Logos

Something a little bit different for you. Anyone who knows me (even a little) will know about my life-long love of Marvel (the superheroes, not the powered milk). From reading the comics as a child to the TV shows of the 70s and 80s (I’m looking at you Spider-Man and The Incredible Hulk) to the modern day movies that have dominated cinemas for the last 10 years or so, I’m, a life-long member of the Merry Marvel Marching Society.

Whilst the movies, under the stewardship of producer Kevin Fiege, are the epitome of the modern Marvel universe (let’s gloss over the ones that came before or from other studios) and I love them all dearly (maybe not equally, but dearly), there’s an aspect of them that often gets overlooked and that’s the graphic design that went into their logo’s.

Here I want to take a look at some of my favourite logos from the MCU and what I think is so great about them from a design point-of-view. It gives me a chance to geek out a little, tell you what I love about them (the logo, not the film) and hopefully you will come across some details you haven’t seen before that will make you appreciate the design work that goes into something people gloss over. There aren’t many sequels in the list (just adding a ‘2’ to it doesn’t make it any better) but there are a couple of notable inclusions.

Bear in mind this is just my list (in chronological order of release) and my own preferences, so it isn’t meant to be anything other than my own musings! I’ve also tried to track down the person / agency who designed the logo to give them the credit. Apologies if the details are wrong or missing. Once Marvel was bought up by Disney, I imagine they were all designed ‘in-house’ from that point. I haven’t included any of the Marvel TV shows or the Netflix ones either. Not that there’s anything wrong with them (the Luke Cage one is great), but I just preferred to concentrate on the movies within the MCU.

So, let’s start with the movie that kick-started the whole Marvel Cinematic Universe, starting with ….

1 - IRon Man (Released 2008)

It’s easy to forget that Iron Man was the first movie that was released by the then independent film studio Marvel had created. Marvel Studios, before it was bought up by Disney, was a newcomer to the world of cinema, and with the more widely-recognised of their characters owned by other studios (X-Men, Fantastic Four, Spider-Man, etc.), they had to go with what was deemed to be their ‘B’ List characters.

Fast-forward to today and it’s hard to think of Iron Man being anything other than the cornerstone of the MCU, but back in 2008, releasing a movie, their first movie at that, based on a lesser known character was a huge risk. We needn’t have worried.

The Iron Man logo, at least the one accompanied the movie (the logo was slightly different when the initial teaser was released) was created by designer Fede Ponce. As the studios first film, it had to convey not just the title of the film, but a confidence in both themselves and the film itself.

I think what I love the most about the logo is how it manages to combine the aesthetics of the original comic book logo whilst giving it a modern twist. The metallic (he IS Iron Man after all), photo-realistic texture, works perfectly, uniting the past and the present together in a relatively simple design.

Ponce, after reading the script, described the movie as being one of redemption, and he’s right. Tony Stark goes from being the money-focussed weapons dealer and businessman who cares for little except himself but, (SPOILER ALERT) after being captured and coming to see how his weapons are being abused, becomes the eponymous hero we all now know and love.

This redemption is reflected in the logo too, literally. Thanks to the metallic textures and use of sunlight reflecting and breaking through from the bottom of the text, it signifies this rebirth for Tony Stark at the dawn on a new era.

2 - The Avengers (released 2012)

Here in the UK, we had to contend with it being called ‘Marvel’s Avenger’s Assemble’ because of perceived complication with an earlier movie based on an old TV series called The Avengers. Eugh! For the sake of this, let’s just pretend it was called what everyone else was calling in.

Without their ‘heavy hitters’ to call upon, The Avengers brought together Iron Man, Captain America, Hulk, Black Widow, Hawkeye and Thor in a movie that would change what a superhero movie looked like forever, not to mention the culmination of the first real cinematic universe that continues to grow to this day.

The logo for Marvel’s first ‘team-up’ movie is probably the one that most closely resembles the original comic book logo, but that’s not a criticism. If it’s not broke, etc. It’s more of a dynamic refresh, rather than a full reboot of the original comic book design, with the classic Avengers ‘A’ leading the charge.

Within Marvel, this design cue was known as the ‘Big A’, not least because its larger type and the arrow thrusting forward. It was designed way back in the 1970s by designer and Marvel letterer (what a great job title) Gaspar Saladino. Gaspar, who also worked a lot for rival DC Comics, worked most of his life in the comic book industry. This piece of artistry from Saladino debuted in the Avenger’s comic in 1972.

The logo for the movie built on Saladino’s work by placing the ‘Big A’ inside a ring to give it more dynamism. Even the word ‘The’ was italicised to further portray forward momentum, something the studio was also experiencing following the success of Phase 1 movies they had released to great critical and audience response.

As with the Iron Man logo mentioned above, this also features an embossed metallic texture to signify their strength. The sharp edges and corners on the ‘G’ and the tie of the ‘Es’ (notice how the middle of the ‘E’ differs from the top and bottom) also help to define this.

As of writing, we’re now four Avenger’s movies deep and the logo hasn’t really changed that much over the course of those films, other than the addition of a subtitle. A sure sign that they were onto a winner as far back as the 1970s.

3 - Guardians of the Galaxy (2014)

This might seem like a strange addition to the list; a fairly plain logo for a movie based on a team most people won’t have even heard of at the time, but there’s actually a lot going on here. Allow me to explain.

This was another logo that was redesigned following it’s initial announcement in 2012 (thankfully),like the Avengers, the Guardians was going to be another Marvel team-up movie, but one for a group of ‘heroes’ (or maybe space pirates) based on a relatively recent comic book run (from 2008).

Whilst the name had been around in the comics since 1969, this was (mostly) based on the modern iteration by writers Dan Abnett and Andy Lanning.

The movie and its characters were out of left-field for a studio that had, until now, played safe with its choices (albeit limited by rights issues). Guardians of the Galaxy most certainly didn’t. That meant most people, even those relatively familiar with Marvel, didn’t know what to expect, which is why the logo utilises the fundamental style of the logos that came before it, albeit with some fun subtle twists. The metallic texture isn’t as polished and ‘new’ as Iron Man or the Avengers logos were; it’s worn, almost beaten down and looks a little tatty, just the like the team themselves.

Also look at how ‘of the’ is positioned. It’s clunky and off-kilter, placed far left of centre, just like the team in the movie. It also beautifully symbolises the relationships within the team of Star-Lord, Gamora, Rocket, Groot and Drax. We might not have known what to expect when it was announced, but we so fell in love with them when we saw the movie.

4 - Doctor Strange (2016)

Doctor Strange was the movie that took the MCU into the realms of magic, alternative dimensions and the seeded the multiverse. In design terms, it was also the movie that moved away from the metallic, block capitals that were starting to look a bit ‘samey’, but not eschewed it completely.

Doctor Strange isn’t just the character name, it’s literally the name of the protagonist. He IS Dr. Stephen Strange, a gifted surgeon who, following an accident, leaves him incapable of practising. As he searches the world for a remedy, he comes across The Ancient One who opens his eyes to a whole new world of magic, mysticism and martial arts (in the comics at least).

Dr. Strange isn’t your typical muscle-bound hero like we’ve been used to seeing, and the logo reflects this. The narrow, elegant font (it’s called 'Baker Signet if you’re interested) helps the logo stand out from those that came before, just as the hero does. It’s still reflective, but it’s also reflecting itself thanks to the ridged letters, just as the character reflects on himself to find his place in this new world he finds himself.

5 - Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017)

For me at least, when I think of Marvel, I think of Spider-Man. Together with the Fantastic Four, he was my ‘go-to’ character when I first starting reading the comics as a child. I think part of the appeal of any superhero character is that, when you see them, you can see yourself being them. OK, even at that young age I knew I couldn’t BE Spider-Man, but I COULD be Peter Parker quite easily.

I loved the comics, I even loved the TV show in the 70s with Nicholas Hammond and I also loved the Tobey Maguire iteration. They were all great, but for me at least still lacking a certain ‘something’; that one factor that would illicit those beloved memories of childhood.

When it was announced that Spider-Man was going to be part of the MCU, I was giddy with excitement. When I first saw Spider-Man: Homecoming in the cinema, it was, I think, the first time that the character I loved as kid in those comic books was truly brought to life on the screen. I loved the film and I loved the logo for it.

Spider-Man’s introduction brought with it a new youthful energy into the MCU. Peter Parker wasn’t a middle-aged white guy with muscles on his muscles, he was a teenager struggling to balance life, school and everything that the teenage years brings with it. He brought that sense of wonder and fun with his wide-eyed, some-would-say naive outlook on the world and the logo illustrates that brilliantly.

Logo’s that came before certainly tipped their hat to their comic counterparts, but were still very much ‘movie’ logos. This one, I think, was the first to fully embrace its comic book roots and not be ashamed of it. The youth of the character is reflected in the curved title and the graffiti-esque uses of the Spider-Man symbol forming the ‘o’ of Homecoming further establishes its younger aesthetic. You could see this logo grace any comic book, now or then. Welcome home Spider-Man.

6 - Thor: Ragnarok (2017)

After the much derided Thor : The Dark World (which isn’t actually as bad as people lead you to believe), the Thor franchise took at much needed twist with the recruitment of the brilliant Taika Waititi to direct the third movie. The logo for Thor: Ragnarok wasn’t excluded from this shake-up, but Taika’s influence is clear. The logo, when the film was first announced, was a much more sombre affair and owed much to the two films that came before it.

Ragnarok didn’t take it self too seriously. It was equally full of ironic wit, self-parody and production design that harkened back to the days of Jack Kirby’s colourful artwork from the comics. The logo epitomises all of this.

It was also part of the continuation of Marvel movie logos that veered away from the typical examples that came before it around this time. This, together with the afore-mentioned Spider-Man: Homecoming and even the Guardians of the Galaxy sequel when announced, all were much more playful in tone and styling.

It might look like a hodge-lodge of retro elements, from its 80s typeset to the jumble of video game colours. In many ways, as a logo, it really shouldn’t work, but it does. It perfectly represents Thor’s latest outing as something different from the masculine, all-too-serious muscle-fests we’d seen before.

7 - Black Panther (2018)

Not content with the first female-led movie coming over the hill (see below), Black Panther was the first Marvel movie with an almost entirely black cast. It proved to be a commercial and critical success and became the first Marvel movie to be nominated for the Best Picture Oscar at the Academy Awards. Many other MCU films had been nominated for the technical categories before this, but not one of the ‘big’ awards. It didn’t win, but it was (and is) still one hell of an achievement for a ‘comic book movie’.

The character of T’Challa was first introduced to the MCU in Captain America: Civil War. For his own solo movie, we got to look at the fictional nation of Wakanda, a mysterious but technologically advance kingdom, hidden from the rest of the world. Black Panther is a logo fit for a king, it’s both regal and dynamic, just like it should be.

You might think it’s asking a lot for a logo to reflect all of these things, but I think this one manages it. The sleek lines matched with the precision of the lettering display the spirit of technological advances Wakanda is known for. The uses of blue and gold, within the 3D letters, ooze majestic splendour. In addition, with the first and last letters of Panther larger than the rest and the elongated point of the ‘N’ gives a static logo a real sense of purpose and movement.

8 - Captain Marvel (2019)

With 2019’s Captain Marvel, we got our first female-led superhero movie. I mean technically it was 2019, but the film itself was set in the 1990s. making full use of the de-ageing technology on Nick Fury, not to mention the logo itself. It’s a nostalgic love letter to the period of Blockbuster video shops and painful computer loading times.

As you would expect for a movie set 20+ years ago, the logo is reminiscent of the the movies of that era. The red and gold colours with the retro (for now, futuristic for then) lettering places the movie in our mind perfectly. Imagine any Schwarzenegger or Stallone film of that time using that same font. Little fact for you; the font is actually called “CaptainMarvel” and was designed by FontStudio LAB.

What I really like about it though is the space between the words. Normally this would be just negative space, but here they have added a glow, an explosion perhaps or a callback to her uniform, but either way it tells us that this is still a superhero movie, with all the crash bang boom you’d expect from it. It’s just subtle enough to let you make your own mind up.

9 - Avengers: Endgame (2019)

Avengers: Endgame marked the culmination of 20+ movies spanning 10+ years in what came to be known as the Infinity Saga. The movie has to hit so many targets but it managed it (just) and the world seemed to agree, making it the highest grossing movie in history. For a movie so jam-packed with heroes, the logo has an almost wistful feel to it which, if you’ve seen the movie, you will understand.

Marvel kept with the classic Avenger’s logo, but by using a more mature colour palette and the aged look of the texture signifies the passage of time (which, again, if you’ve seen the movie, you’ll get) and gives a more sombre feel. Of course, that’s only half the story. The ‘Endgame’ subtitle is also more muted, especially compared to the previous sequels Age of Ultron and Infinity War. You get just a faint hint of a sunset at the top of the lettering. The kern is also wider, more separated, signalling that the heroes we know are closing the curtain on their adventures and finding their own way from now on. Bittersweet maybe, but we love it 3000.

10 - Thor: Love and Thunder (2022)

At the time of writing, we’re still waiting to see this movie (I don’t think it’s even been finished filming yet!) but we know it’s coming with Taika Waititi back at the helm of Thor’s 4th solo movie. Fresh (well relatively speaking) from the success of Thor: Ragnarok and its fantastic logo, we have another retro-tastic entry for Thor: Love and Thunder. It’s also too much logo for one film; its over-the-top uses of bold colours tells us what we can expect from the movie. It’s going to be BIG!

Like many of the latter logos, it’s fun, it’s colourful and reminds me a lot of the Marvel cartoons from the 1980s and 90s in its pomp and splendour. I can't wait to see it when it’s released (if movies ever get released ever again - curse you COVID19)

We hope you’ve enjoyed this little jaunt through the MCU with our graphic design glasses on. This obviously isn’t all of the logo’s or all of the movies so if there are any that I haven’t included that you like, let us know in the comments below. Remind us in 10 years and we’ll do it again. Nuff said.

[letterboxd]

The Package.

As the bonkers genre thrill-ride Shadow in the Cloud blasts into the new year, writer and director Roseanne Liang unpacks her love of Terminator 2, watching Chloë Grace Moretz’s face for hours, and the life lesson she learned from Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon’s Cheng Pei-Pei.

Roseanne Liang’s TIFF Midnight Madness winner Shadow in the Cloud landed with a blast of fresh genre energy on VOD platforms on New Year’s Day. It’s A-class action in a B-grade body, cramming plenty into its taut 83 minutes, including: a top-secret package, a freakish gremlin, a hostile bunch of Air Force dudes, outrageous stunts, dogfights and a fake wartime PSA that feels remarkably real.

Throughout, the camera is focused mostly on one face—Chloë Grace Moretz’s, playing British flight officer Maude Garrett—as she tackles all of the above from a claustrophobic ball turret hanging under a B-17 Flying Fortress, on a classified mission over the Pacific Ocean during World War II.

While the film’s tonal swings are confusing to some, schlock enthusiasts and genre lovers on Letterboxd have embraced the film’s intentionally outlandish sensibility, which “makes excellent use of its genre mash to create an unpredictable, guilty pleasure,” says Mirza. Fajar writes that “it felt like the people involved in this project knew how ridiculous it is and gave a hundred and ten percent to make it work. Someday, it will become a cult classic.” Mawbey agrees: “It really goes off the rails in all the best ways during the final third, and the last couple of shots are just perfect.”

Chloë Grace Moretz and her top-secret package in ‘Shadow in the Cloud’.

To most of the world, Liang is a so-called “emerging” director, when in fact, the mother-of-two, born in New Zealand to Chinese parents, has been at this game for the past two decades. She has helmed a documentary and a romantic drama, both based on her own marriage; a 2008 short called Take 3, which preceded Hollywood’s current conversation about representation and harassment; and Do No Harm, the splatter-tastic 2017 short in which her technical chops and fluid feel for action were on full display, and, as recorded in multiple Letterboxd reviews, established her as one to watch.

Do No Harm scored Liang valuable Hollywood representation, whereupon producer Brian Kavanaugh-Jones brought Shadow in the Cloud to her, thinking she might connect with the material. “It did connect with me on a level that is very personal,” Liang tells me. “As a woman of color, as a mother who juggles a lot.” She says Kavanaugh-Jones then went through the process of removing original writer Max Landis from the project. “He felt that Max was not a good fit for this project, or for how we like to run things. We like to be respectful and courteous and kind to each other…”

In several interviews, Liang has said she’s comfortable with film lovers choosing not to watch Shadow in the Cloud based on Landis’s early involvement. What she’s not comfortable with is her own contribution—and that of her cast and crew—being erased. While WGA rules have his name attached firmly to the project, the credit belies the reality: his thin script, reportedly stretched out to 70 pages by using a larger-than-usual font, was expanded and deepened by Liang and her collaborators.

Writer-director Roseanne Liang. / Photo by Dean O’Gorman

That team includes editor Tom Eagles, Oscar nominated for Jojo Rabbit, actor Nick Robinson (the titular Simon in Love, Simon) and Beulah Koale, a star of the Hawaii Five-Oh series. The opening newsreel was created by award-winning New Zealand animation studio Mukpuddy, after a small test audience got weirded out by the sight of a gremlin in a war film, despite well-documented WWI and WWII gremlin mythology. It’s an unnecessary but happy addition. The cartoon style was inspired by Private Snafu, a series of WWII educational cartoons scripted by none other than Dr. Seuss and directed by Looney Tunes legend Chuck Jones.

But the film ultimately hangs on Chloë Grace Moretz, who overcame cabin fever to drive home an adrenaline rush of screen craft, in which the very limits of what’s humanly possible in mid-air are tested (in ways, it must be said, that wouldn’t be questioned if it were Tom Cruise in the role). Liang would often send directions to Moretz’s ball turret via text, while her cast members delivered live dialogue from an off-set shipping container rigged with microphones. “I just never got sick of Chloë’s face and I’ve watched her hundreds, if not thousands of times. You feel her, you are her, she just engages you in a way that a huge fighting scene might not, if it’s not designed well. Giant empty spectacle is less interesting than one person in one spot, sometimes.”

Ambitious and nerdy about film in equal measure, it’s clear there’s much more to come from Liang, and I’m interested in what her most valuable lesson has been so far. Turns out, it’s a great story involving Chinese veteran Cheng Pei-Pei (Come Drink With Me’s Golden Swallow, and Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon’s Jade Fox), whose film training includes a tradition of remaining on set throughout filming.

Roseanne Liang on the set of ‘Shadow in the Cloud’.

That meant that, during filming of Liang’s My Wedding and Other Secrets, Cheng would stay on set when she wasn’t required. “In New Zealand, trailers are a luxury,” Liang explains. “I said ‘Don’t you want to go to the trailer that we arranged for you?’ ‘No, I just want to sit and watch.’ ‘Why do you want to watch it, you’ve seen it hundreds of times!’ And she said ‘I learn something new every time’. To Pei-Pei, the secret of life is constant education and curiosity and learning. Movies are her work and her craft and her life, and she never gets bored. If I can be like her, that’s the life, right?”

Speaking of which, it’s time we put Liang through our Life in Film interrogation.

What’s the film that made you want to become a filmmaker? Terminator 2: Judgment Day is the movie that is at the top of the mountain that I’m climbing. To me it’s the perfect blend of spectacle, action design, smarts and heart. It poses the theory that if a robot can learn the value of humanity then maybe there’s hope for the ships that are us. That’s perennial, and possibly even more pertinent today. It holds a very special place in my heart, along with Aliens, Mad Max: Fury Road, Die Hard, La Femme Nikita and Léon: The Professional.

What’s your earliest memory of watching a film? I have a cassette tape that my dad made for my grandma in 1981 (he’d send tapes back to his mother in Hong Kong). I was three years old and he had just taken us to see The Empire Strikes Back in the cinema. And he can’t talk to my grandma because I’m just going on and on about R2-D2. I will not shut up about R2-D2 and he’s like, “Yes, yes I’m trying to talk to your grandmother,” and I’m like, “But Dad! Dad! R2-D2!” So it’s actually an archive, but it’s become my memory.

What’s the most romantic film you’ve ever seen? Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. It’s not the sexiest, but it’s the most romantic. That last scene, those last words where she goes “But you’re gonna be like this forever and I’m gonna be like this forever…” and he just goes “okay”. That to me is one of the most romantic scenes I’ve ever seen. It is a perfect movie.

And the scariest? If it’s a horror movie, the most scared I’ve been is The Ring. I was watching it on a VHS and I was lying on a beanbag on the floor and I was paralyzed with fear. I couldn’t move, because I felt that if I moved she’d see me! Also, American Psycho just came to me this year. I caught the twentieth anniversary of that movie, which is a terrifying film, and again, possibly more relevant now than when it was made. The scariest film that’s not a horror is Joker. It scared me how much I liked it. When I came out of the movie, I was like, “I’m scared because I kind of love it, but it’s horrible. It’s so irresponsible. I don’t wanna like this movie but goddamn, I feel it.” Like, I wanted to go on the streets and rage. In a way we’re all the Joker, we’re all the Batman. That duality, that yin and yang, is inside everyone of us. It’s universal.

What is the film that slays you every time, leaving you in a heap of tears? This is a classic one, the opening sequence of Up. The first ten minutes of Up just destroy me every time. I also saw Soul a couple of days ago and I was with the whole family and I, just, if I wasn’t with the whole family I would have been ugly-sobbing. I had a real ache in my throat after the movie because I was trying to stop [myself] from sobbing.

Tell me your favorite coming-of-age film, the film that first gave you ‘teenage feelings’? Pump Up the Volume. Christian Slater! Off the back of Pump Up the Volume, I fancied myself as a prophet and wrote a theater piece called Lemmings. Obviously the main character was a person who could see through the façade, and everyone else was following norms. “No one understands me, I’m a prophet!” So clearly I have this shitty, Joker-style megalomaniac inside of me. It was the worst play, and I don’t know why my teachers agreed for us to do a staging of it!

Christian Slater and Samantha Mathis in ‘Pump Up the Volume’ (1990).

Is there a film that you and your family love to rewatch? We’ve tried to impose our taste on our children, but they’re too young. We showed them The Princess Bride—they didn’t get it. We literally showed our babies Star Wars in their cribs. That’s how obsessive Star Wars fans we were.

Name a director and/or writer that you deeply admire for their use of the artform. I have a slightly weird answer for this. Can I just give love to Every Frame a Painting by Tony Zhou and Taylor Ramos? They are my film school. I was thinking of my love of Edgar Wright, but then I thought of their video essay on Edgar Wright and how to film comedy, and his essay on Jackie Chan and the rhythm of action and then their essay on the Coen Brothers and Shot Reverse Shot. I must have watched that 30 times ahead of the TV show that I’m making now. I started out in editorial and Tony Zhou is an editor and he talks about when to make the cut: it’s an instinct, it’s a feeling, it’s a rhythm. I realized the one thing in common that I could mention about all the films I’ve loved is Every Frame a Painting. It’s their love of movies that comes bubbling out of every single essay that they made that I just wanna shout out at this part of my career.

Were there any crucial films that you turned to in your development for Shadow in the Cloud? Indiana Jones was something that Chloë brought up—she likes the spiffiness and the humor of Indiana Jones. Sarah Connor was our touchstone for the female character. For one-person-in-one-space type stories, I watched Locke quite a lot, to figure out how they shaped tension and story and [kept] us on the edge of our seats when it’s only one person in one space. In terms of superheroes, I came back to Aliens. Not Alien. Aliens. You know, there are two types of people in this world—people who prefer Alien over Aliens, and people who prefer Aliens over Alien. But actually I think I vacillate for different reasons.

Can there be a third type of person, who thinks they’re both great, but Alien³, just, no? Maybe that’s the best group to be in. We don’t need to fight about this, we can love both of them! I was having an argument with James Wan’s company about this, because there’s a rift inside the company of people who prefer Alien over Aliens.

Okay, program a triple feature with your film as one of the three. I don’t know. Ask Ant Timpson!

I’ll ask Ant Timpson. [We did, and he replied: “Well, one has to be the Twilight Zone episode with William Shatner: Nightmare at 20,000 Feet. And then either Life (2017) or Altitude (2010).”]

Thank you Ant! I used to go to his all-nighters as a university student. He is the king of programming things.

Jake Gyllenhaal in ‘Life’ (2017).

It’s strange that we never met at one of his events! Ant would make me dress up in strange outfits and do weird skits between films. (For those who don’t know, Timpson ran the Incredibly Strange Film Festival for many years—now part of the New Zealand International Film Festival—and still runs an annual 24-Hour Movie Marathon.) So what’s a film from those events that sticks in your head as the perfect genre experience with a crowd? It was a movie about a man protecting a woman who was the girlfriend of a mafia boss: A Bittersweet Life. Not only does it have one of the sexiest Korean actors, sorry, not to objectify, but also I actually screenshot a lot of that film for pitch documents. And, do you remember a crazy Japanese movie where someone’s sitting on the floor with a clear umbrella and a woman is lactating milk? Visitor Q by Takashi Miike. I remember just how fucking crazy that was.

Finally, what was the best film you saw in 2020? I haven’t seen Nomadland yet, so keep in mind that I haven’t seen all the films this year. I have three: The Invisible Man, which I thought was just amazing. I thought [writer-director] Leigh Whannell did such a great job. The Half of It by Alice Wu, a quiet movie that I simply just adored. And then the last movie I saw at the cinema was Promising Young Woman. The hype is real.

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‘Shadow in the Cloud’ is available in select theaters and on video on demand now.

[jimlingss]

A Memory Without You

➜ Words: 10.4k

➜ Genres: 50% Fluff, 50% Angst, Superpower!AU

➜ Summary: Jung Hoseok is your saviour. Sure, he might just be a government worker tasked to investigate your life and ask a bunch of intrusive questions with his little clipboard, but he’s also the key to solving your troubles. You just hope he still remembers you when it’s all over.

➜ Warnings: Mentions to mental illnesses and discussions on issues related to memory loss.

Cr.

You step forward.   The office is small and it makes you afraid that the ceiling will close in on you, suffocating you to death. But your attention is stolen by the individual standing behind the desk, wearing a small smile. He’s a handsome man, casual suit, dark hair with surprisingly warm eyes. You don’t dwell in case he is a mind reader.    “Hello. It’s nice to finally meet you.”   “Likewise.” You shake his hand, nervousness beginning to chew at your bones. He motions for you to take a seat and there’s some more small talk made, introductions exchanged. He is seemingly friendly, but you can never trust your judgment when it comes to people like him.   “I’ve been personally assigned to your case,” the man, Jung Hoseok, tells you. He shuffles his paper, taking the pen from his blazer breast pocket. “Today, I’ll just ask some questions and clarify some things, okay? And then we’ll discuss the next steps. Sound good?”   “Yes.”   He nods and begins to flip through your file, hundreds of reports and claims, tests and health evaluations that are somehow supposed to summarize your existence. “It says here that you’ve only recently identified your ability?” His eyes flicker up and you recognize the curiosity since it’s been presented in so many before.    You’ve just found it and now you wanted to remove it so soon. It is an odd situation.   “Yes.” Your hands are shaking in your lap and you grip the hem of your pencil skirt to get a grip. “I’ve-uh….actually discovered it when I was sixteen, but it’s only been five years since doctors have diagnosed it officially.”   “That’s a long time,” he muses, scribbling something down and it adds to your anxiousness. You know you’re an unusual case — it’s supposed to take professionals minutes or seconds to identify abilities. Never days, weeks, months. Or in your case, years.   You nod in confirmation. “They….they didn’t really believe me. There was a lot of testing I had to do.”   “That’s unfortunate,” he sympathizes politely. “I’m sorry you had to go through that.”   “It’s alright. I’m just happy they identified it.” Even if you belong to no real category. You’re labeled as miscellaneous and it always garners strange looks at city hall or when you have to travel for work.   The government worker continues, “How has your health been lately, Y/N?”   “It’s been...better.”   Hoseok lifts his chin, connecting his eyes with yours. “On the fourth health examination, you’ve been diagnosed with mild depression and generalized anxiety disorder?”   “Y-yes.”   “Is that affecting your life drastically these days?”   “Ummmmm……” You’re not sure what kind of question that is or how you should answer, but it’s protocol and you manage, “There’s been a lot of improvement in my life. I feel better. I’ve been going to work consistently. There hasn’t been much of a problem….”   “That’s good,” he nods and writes it down, taking note of it. It feels like an interrogation, a spot light shined on you, someone firing question after question. You shift uncomfortably and Hoseok notices, reading the expression on your face. He sets his pen down. “I’m sorry for putting you through this. I don’t mean to be so intrusive.”   “No, it’s okay. It’s your job, I understand.” You’ve been through worse in these past five years. The moment your ability was officially documented, you worked towards this. There are tens of steps, process slow and painful but it’s understandable. Even if this is a government service, they don’t want to be held accountable. The practice is already looked down upon. They have to ensure there are substantial grounds for doing this. Everything must be careful and calculated.   Jung Hoseok asks a few more questions and once satisfied, he claps his hands together.   “Okay, I think that’s all I need to fill out the report.”   “Then you’ll contact me next week?” you ask, unsure.   “Yes,” he reassures and then goes on to explain, “In the coming weeks, I’ll give you a call and for several days, I’ll be observing you. The length varies depending on the case, but it’s typically really short term. I’m going to see how this ability affects your day to day life and if it’s detrimental or not to your health or general well-being. You don’t need to do anything differently. As normal as possible is actually better. Just go on about your day and I’ll shadow you.”   The observation week doesn’t sound too bad when he explains it like that. At least, it can’t be any worse than the week you had to spend at the psychiatry department of the hospital.   He’s a professional. A good judge. He won’t criticize your life or look down on you, you know that much. Still, with all these facts you comfort yourself with, it doesn’t make you any less nervous. The thought of a stranger intruding in your routine makes it hard to cope. There’s no way you can control what he thinks. And whatever decision he comes up with at the end of his investigation will drastically affect you….   But you’ll do this at any cost. “Okay, t-that sounds good.”   “Great.” He slides over several documents. “Here are some forms to sign. It’s just a disclosure that says you want to go through with this investigation and so the government won’t be held responsible if you decide to sue or press any kind of privacy invasion charges. Take your time reading it and when you’re ready, sign here and here. Feel free to ask any questions if you have them too.”   “Alright.” You take the pages into your hands, having a difficult time reading when you’re this nervous. The words almost scramble on the paper, lines too close to one another, font too small. But you manage a long glance and you take the pen, signing it, staining the white with ink swirling the loops of your name.   He takes it after you’ve set it down.   “There we go.” Hoseok stands and shakes your hand with a reserved smile. His skin is warm, and you notice that his palm is larger as it clasps yours. “I look forward to working with you, Miss. Y/N.”   You meet his warm eyes, swallowing hard. “Thank you for all of this.”   “It’s no problem.”   //   The wait is slow and excruciating. It’s drawn out with days and nights you spend staring at your phone, waiting for that call or maybe a text message, any indication at all that might signal his arrival. It’s difficult to remain calm and patient when you’ve been counting down the days, hours, minutes, seconds.   But finally it arrives.   Three weeks after the first meeting, your phone rings and it’s him on the other line, smooth voice, undertones of chirpiness that you wish you had.   “Good morning.”   Jung Hoseok is wearing a bright smile as you open the door. He’s dressed more casually than before, no suit and tie but plaid shirt and cargo shorts. He would look like a tourist if not for how he carries the clipboard in his arms — it makes him more reminiscent to a summer camp counselor.   “Good morning,” you greet him with a polite smile as well, widening the door for him to step inside.   “Nice weather, isn’t it?”   “Yes, it’s really nice.” You’ve never been more awkward in your home before. “H-have you ate breakfast yet?”   “I’ve had some coffee.”   “That’s not a real breakfast,” you say with a smile, joking around a bit to ease the tension.   “I’m fine, really,” Hoseok insists and you nod. “Just don’t mind me. Go about your day normally and I’ll follow you.”   “Okay.” You shuffle backwards, body turning slightly. “I’m just having some cereal right now.”   “Alright.” The man is like a house inspector as he scans the premise of your home. “Is it alright if I take a look around?”   “Sure, go ahead.” Everything is organized and in neat condition. It wasn’t too difficult to clean the place when you live alone and just have to pick up after yourself.    You leave to the kitchen, finishing your food before you’re late for work. A glance over your shoulder, you find him peeking at the knick-knacks on your shelves, staring at the pictures of yourself from childhood that you put on display. He scribbles something down on the clipboard and you would feel severely scrutinized if not for the smile he has.   As you wash your dishes, Hoseok comes strolling in. “I really like your home. It’s cozy.”   “Thanks.” You smile. “Um...I usually leave in five minutes if that’s okay with you.”   “Yeah, don’t worry about it. Just go on about your day.”   Your life is rather normal and mundane. Plain. It’s probably less dramatic than some other cases he’s investigated — you wouldn’t be surprised if he’s deathly bored. You also know that it doesn’t look good for your situation. It’s not like you’re suffering immensely or directly inhibited due to your abilities, but there’s no way for you to dramatize your circumstances.   You can’t show your pain. There’s no physical evidence. It doesn’t come through direct actions or shown through horrible crying sprouts. It’s the little things in your life that aren’t visible — and you’re not sure that’s enough cause for them to help you in the way you want them to.   Nonetheless, you push the thoughts aside as you drive with him sitting beside you.   “Can you tell me a little more on what you do for work?” Hoseok inquires to fill the silence, drawing up a conversation.   “It’s just a customer service job at a marketing firm. I...uh..pick up calls mostly, answer people’s questions, schedule appointments, write up order forms and get payments. It’s not much, but it's honest work and it pays the bills.”   “No, that sounds great. Do you enjoy it?”   “Sometimes,” you answer. “It’s alright on most days.”   By the time you get to work, the cubicle next to yours is empty. You settle down and he trudges over with his bag full of his own belongings, setting up to do his own work while you do yours. Your boss was already given a notice and understands that he would be shadowing you for a short period of time.   Your coworkers, on the other hand, are curious. They glance over, murmuring amongst themselves who the man is. Yet, no one asks you any questions.    You do your own work as normal, answering calls and filling out reports. Every once in a while, Hoseok looks over and it feels like he’s a colleague of yours more than someone investigating your lifestyle.    By lunch, you eat by yourself at your cubicle, Hoseok mimicking you, and one more bathroom break is taken before you work straight until five o’clock. People clock out and you finish as well, waiting for him to pack up and stuff things back into his bag. Hoseok follows you out.   “Where to next?” he asks with a small smile.    You’re sleepy, but made awake by his question. “Umm...just home. Is there anything you’d like to eat for dinner?”   “Oh. I’m fine with anything,” he chirps and it feels better when there’s someone more full of life beside you. The energy is almost infectious. “Don’t mind me.”   “D-do you have a preference though?” The elevator reaches the ground floor and you walk off. “Between macaroni and lasagna.”   Hoseok hums a low note. “Lasagna sounds good.”   You smile. “Okay. I’ll have macaroni then.”   Sadly, the food you offer him isn’t freshly cooked or bought from a restaurant.   You stand in front of the machine in your pajamas, listening to the whirring, watching the yellow light and how your dinner spins on the dish slowly. Hoseok doesn’t mind eating frozen food as much as you thought he would. He says it makes him nostalgic on his childhood and he sits down across the table to you. It’s nice to have someone here that you can make small talk with.   You ask about his job and he tells you he works from nine to five much like you, partly in the office and the other part out on the field investigating cases. He seems to enjoy his line of work and his enthusiasm is inspiring.   But in the middle of the conversation, it strays off from him to you.   Hoseok calls your name and you look up. “Can I ask you something?”   “Of course.” You offer a reserved smile. “You’re allowed to ask any question, right?”   “I guess.” A tiny laugh comes from his mouth. “But I wouldn’t want to make you uncomfortable.”   “It’s fine,” you reassure. “Is there something the matter?”   “No. I’m just wondering if you’re always this isolated,” he’s blunt and his sharp eyes narrow in on you, assessing each of your movements. You swallow hard, perspiration from your hairline and he continues, “You don’t seem to speak a lot throughout the day. No pets, family, or friends at work?”   “I...umm….” There’s no lie to conjure up when the evidence is so obvious. “N-not really.”   “I’m not trying to insult you or anything.” Hoseok brows furrow and he tips his head to the side, staring like you have something on your face. “I’m genuinely curious.”   “I can’t…..really...get close to anyone.” The food is stale and you can’t swallow it down your gullet anymore. Your mouth is too dry. “I’m not that close to my friends anymore.”   “Is there a reason…?” he pries not for his own knowledge but to fill the report, figure out if you’re suffering enough. As if suffering could be definitely measured.    “I..umm…” You brace yourself with a deep breath, diverting your vision elsewhere. “I can’t really. If I ever love someone or someone loves me...they forget.”   His brows lift. “They….forget?”   The information is only known to few. All he knows is that you’ve been categorized into miscellaneous, the details of your ability are protected for your own privacy. But you nod anyhow, confirming his disbelief with hope for his aid. “They lose their memories about me. Everything that links me to them disappears. Pictures. Belongings...so I-uh can’t really um-...love anyone….”   “Oh.” He processes the gravity of the situation, grasping an understanding of why you’re trying so desperately to get rid of it, why you’re willing to go through this excruciating process. “I’m sorry.”   As inappropriate and even insulting as it is, it’s instinctual to apologize. He hasn’t seen a case like yours before.   You smile, understanding his sympathy. “No, it’s okay. It’s no one’s fault really and it’s out of my control. It’s not….as terrible as you might think.” The only way you can cope is through optimism. “It’s unique and I like to think I’m kind of like cupid.”   The corner of his mouth quirks. “Cupid? What do you mean?”   “Sometimes, they don't just forget. They end up meeting their soulmate.” Those who forget you often meet the person they’re supposed to be with, the person that isn’t you. You’re a matchmaker to those that you love. “At least I can help people, right?”   Hoseok stares. He watches you shrug, playing with your food before trying to take a bite. It’s quiet and he exhales. “That’s one way to look at it. It’s definitely unique.” He tries to match your chirpiness, but it comes up grimmer than intended. You recognize the pity and look away.   “I’ll do my best to help you, Y/N,” Hoseok murmurs, finishing up.   Tears cloud your vision and you nod, grateful for his sincerity, grateful that he’s recognized your hardships. “Thank you.”   //   It continues for the next few days — Hoseok shadows your quiet life, but he now knows your downlow existence isn’t purposeful. You were forced to live this way.    Gradually, you begin to enjoy his company. You become more comfortable with one another. It’s not so strange or nerve wracking anymore to be in his presence or have him accompanying you from place to place. If anything, it’s less lonely when he comes around breakfast, leaving after dinner. You share your meals with him, small talk becoming deeper and more interesting, and you don’t even see his clipboard anymore. It almost feels normal.   It’s a Saturday morning with Hoseok helps you run some errands. He escorts you to the grocery store, picking up his own things as the two of you weave through the many aisles. He insists on carrying your bags and you eventually relent. But as he pays for his own things, you decide to leave first, wanting to stop by the thrift store next door.   Though your steps come to a halt when you find an older lady struggling with her bags in the middle of the parking lot. She’s an old woman, hunched over, frail hands and shaking arms. It takes less than a second for her to drop her groceries and for fruit of all sorts to go tumbling out.   You step forward.   “Oh my goodness— oh, thank you so much for helping.”   “No, it’s...fine…” You reach down, collecting her produce and stuffing them back in the bag.   “You’re so sweet. Thank you.”   “I can bring it to your car if you’d like.”   “Would you? My back is feeling awful these days.”   “It’s not a problem.” You assist her with her bags, relieving the tension in her arms and shouldering the weight. By the time Hoseok exits the store and goes looking for you, confused at how you’ve disappeared, you’re finished loading her things in the back of her car.   He soon spots you and approaches. “Y/N?”   “Hey…”   The lady gently closes the truck of her small car. “Thank you so much for helping. I really appreciate it.” She looks over Hoseok and smiles softly. “Your wife is so kind. You’re very lucky to have someone so compassionate.”   “Oh...we’re…”   “Umm…” There’s no use in clearing up the misunderstanding, so you settle for, “You’re welcome.”   “Have a good day now.” You’re left standing there, watching her smile and get into her vehicle.   Hoseok walks towards the direction of your parked car with you, holding onto all the groceries. “What happened?”   You stop momentarily, looking over your shoulder to observe the way the car drives off. “I was just helping her with her groceries.”   But as your eyes are strayed off, Hoseok’s own are pinpointed on your face. There’s an expression that he can’t decipher, that seems conflicted and sad all at once. He’s not sure what spurs the next question, though it tumbles from his lips anyhow, “Did you know her?”   Your head turns, gaze meeting Hoseok’s. “She’s...my mom…”   And she didn’t recognize you whatsoever.   Your own mother gave birth to you and raised you.    There’s not even a single inkling or sign of awareness.   The realization slams into Hoseok and while you smile, walking off to the car, he can’t help but let his eyes bore into your backside, brows knitted together. His heart aches. It squeezes in his chest, making him uncomfortable. His words clog into his throat, creating a lump that hurts.   He can’t imagine — you, a sixteen year old, who believed you’re one of the few unfortunate who are powerless, only to have your abilities activated unexpectedly. And have your own family love you enough to forget about your entire existence. For no one to believe you when you went to the hospital, city hall, the police. For you to be lost without anyone to love.   For it to take this long for someone to recognize this terrible ability. For it to be this painful for you to try to get rid of it.   “You don’t have to feel bad,” you pipe up in the middle of the highway, breaking him from his thoughts. “It is what it is. I’m used to it. And my parents are doing well. That’s all that matters to me.”   “I’m not pitying you,” he clarifies, staring at the profile of your face. “I just….want to put myself in your shoes to get a better understanding.”   The corner of your mouth tugs and you glance at him. “I thought you weren’t supposed to become emotionally attached to your cases. Isn’t it bad to get too personal?”   Hoseok scoffs, leaning back. He admires your bravery to continue persevering so long in this kind of condition. He doesn’t know if he’d be able to do it. “I’m human. It’s natural to be compassionate.”   “You’re kind.” It’s a comment out of the blue but you mean it. A part of you was scared he wouldn’t care and it wouldn’t be a surprise considering the amount of people who saw you more as a case study than a human. “You’re very kind, Hoseok.”   “I try.” A soft laugh bubbles from his lips. “I think empaths do a better job than I do.”   “Empaths are forced to feel. They have no choice,” you muse. “Even when you don’t have that ability, what counts if that you’re trying. That’s admirable.”   A gentle smile pulls onto his features. “Are you curious on my actual ability?”   “A little.” You steal a peek at him before gripping the steering wheel tighter. “But I wouldn’t force you to share.”   “I want to. I feel like I know so much about you and your ability, but you don’t know that much about mine.” It’s a personal detail after all and you’re moved that he wants to treat you as an equal, not someone of higher authority. Hoseok’s smile grows. “It’s only fair, right?”   “Can I try guessing?” You offer and he tells you to go for it. “I don’t think you have a mental-based power. You can’t seem to read my mind and you’re not an empath either. I don’t think it’s strength-based. You don’t look like you have super strength.”   He scoffs. “What’s that supposed to mean?”   At his pout, laughter squeezes out of you. “Can I guess…..emission category. Your smile makes the room warmer.”   “That’s….really beautiful.” He wonders why you would say something like that. But it’s meaningful, one of the highest compliments he’s received. “I wish. Unfortunately, my actual power’s a lot lamer. I’m a divine creationer. I can fabricate memories.”   “That’s not lame at all.” The blinker flickers on and you merge onto the street, getting closer to your apartment. Once you stop at a red light, you turn to look at him. “That’s amazing. It has to be better than labeled as miscellaneous, right?”   Hoseok grins. “I guess, but it’s not like I can make my own memories and at the end of the day, they’re fake.”   “I don’t think so,” you lightly refute. “I feel like it’s one thing to experience something for yourself in the moment, but the memory is what lasts. If you can make your own memories without experiencing it, then that’s limitless. You can feel like you’ve lived through anything. There would be no such thing as missed opportunities.”   “You’re right,” he softly murmurs. “I don’t use my ability a lot, but it doesn’t inhibit anything I do which I’m thankful for. I don’t think I’m in any place to complain. But I used to be really jealous of mind-readers and teleporters or people who can fly.”   “Same here.” You laugh, finding something in common with Hoseok. Your childhood was full of envy, watching other classmates discover and play with their abilities as you remained powerless. “I knew someone who could fly actually. They took me up to the sky once…”   You wistfully sigh and he grins, curious. “Really? Isn’t that illegal?”   “Don’t arrest me,” you tease. “This was a good decade ago and it wasn’t that dangerous. His name was Jungkook. We...uh...dated for a while...but I remember he carried me in his arms and yeah...it was fascinating. Really quiet up there actually. Would not recommend if you were scared of heights.”   You brush it off, but Hoseok can’t help asking, “What happened to him?”   “He ended up forgetting about me.” You’re nonchalant, looking straight ahead, but your voice is strained and your hands grip the steering wheel tighter. “And he met his soulmate. I think he’s married and has a kid now. Haven’t heard of him much after that.”   There’s silence and you break it with a small laugh before it suffocates you. “I’m glad he’s with someone who’s meant to be with him. In a sense, I bring people together.” You turn, parking the car in the lot. But as the engine dies out and you remove the keys, he doesn’t get out.   No one moves.   “You know, I don’t believe in soulmates,” Hoseok tells you quietly. “If everything was left to destiny, then no one needs to try, right? And if everything was predetermined, that means there’s no such thing as mistakes. I don’t believe in that.”   Your eyes are glossy, stirred from within. Fate. Destiny. Soulmates. All those that you’ve spoken with wished to some degree or another that such thing existed. That way, no one would have to be alone. That way, they could be comforted that someone out there was meant for them.   But that also meant you were terribly alone and it would be out of your control.   “You don’t believe in soulmates?”   “I don’t.” He shakes his head, gaze locked into yours. “I think we get to choose the people who we want to be with. We all have a choice.”   It’s moving. These are words you wished to hear. From anyone. Someone. They are comforting more than you ever thought was possible. It gives you a sense of hope that you hang onto, like a lone raft in the middle of the ocean. His voice is soothing, a lullaby. It’s reassuring.   //   It’s late at night when Hoseok’s tapping away at his keyboard relentlessly without a moment’s break. It’s near midnight, no one else on the floor of his office. The fluorescent lights are flickering above his head and it burns his eyes, giving him a throbbing headache. He takes a second to rest before downing the coffee in his thermostat.   It’s still not enough. None of it is. No matter how much effort he pours into your application, he doesn’t know if it’s good, if it’s sufficient. Your diagnosed depression and anxiety disorder is understandable — if he were in your circumstances, he’d be in constant devastation. Frankly, Hoseok’s surprised you’re still up with a job, living in society despite your ability.   But it doesn’t matter how he feels. He knows the facts. They’ve rejected people with less cause before, and he has no doubt others would be scared that your mental state would inhibit your decision making. After all, the guidelines are tough for a reason, tough for protection when they’re not protecting who they should be.   Still, Jung Hoseok tries his best to draft up a personal attached letter — strongly recommending that this case receive the request they have submitted, that the quality of life for this person would drastically improve if their ability is made obsolete. In his professional opinion and of all the cases he’s investigated, he’s never seen a case where the risk of the surgery has been more worth it.   Hoseok finishes the final draft after hours and stamps it with a special request emblem, red so that it’s seen. But he still doesn’t know if it’s enough. If any of this is enough.   “Hoseok?”    “Huh?”   “Are you alright?” He’s stopped eating, mouth hanging open to collect flies. As he catches himself, he seals his lips and sets his spoon down. “Is everything okay?”   “Sorry...I was just lost in thought.”   “Yeah, you looked like it,” you laugh.   Yet, Hoseok isn’t as bubbly as before. He’s resorted to playing with his food and after a moment, his eyes flicker up to you. “Y/N, I want to offer something to you.”   “What is it?”   “I think I can help you. And I want to.” He swallows hard, hands falling into his lap. “Let me fabricate memories for your parents.”   You sputter, choking on your food. It’s trapped in your throat and you grab your glass of water, downing half of it and then pounding your chest. “P-pardon?”   It’s too personal. Out of the scope of his job. Hoseok is becoming too emotionally invested in this case, too close, but if there’s any use for his ability, he wholeheartedly believes it’s now. “I want to try fabricating memories for your parents. They would remember that you’re their daughter and I’m sure those memories wouldn’t change or be removed by your own power.”   “I-….why?” You don’t understand why he wants to go this far to help you.   “I don’t know if your application will be received,” he delivers the news bluntly. “Your….circumstances are difficult to write on paper. And your diagnosis might work against you. I don’t know if it’ll go through.”   “Oh.”   “I’m trying my best, but I want to help you if I can. In any way possible.”   “I...I’ve already accepted this.” As much as you appreciate the gesture, you’re uncertain, unsure. “A-and….their memories would be fake.”   “But their love for you wouldn’t be. I can’t create emotions,” he tells you sincerely and it makes you nervous beyond belief. “You deserve better than this. You deserve to feel loved. It’s okay.”   The small home is silent, pins able to be heard if they were dropped on the floorboards.   Hoseok wonders why himself — why he wants to help so badly when he’s never gone this far before. He just knows it’s not because of sympathy or pity. Maybe because you remind him of himself. The constant acceptance, taking the path of least resistance, living a quiet life to not disturb others. Placating others, never fighting for yourself, for what you want, for what you believe in.   He wants to do something meaningful. He wants to fight for you.   “And if it doesn’t work?”   He smiles gently. “Then we’ll think of something else.”   It’s an old address that you barely remember. But once you’re standing in front of it, the house, the lawn, the mailbox, you realize nothing’s changed. It takes hard work and mental persuasion for you not to burst out crying. Hoseok must realize your turmoil, so he gives you a pat on the back, reassuring you before he approaches the path to the door.   The man ahead of you rings the bell and together, you listen to the parade of footsteps on the other side.   The door swings open. “Hi.” Your mom is aged, wrinkles decorated around her eyes, not recognizing you from a week ago when you helped her in the parking lot. “Can I help you?”   “Oh, we’re just wondering if you’d like to install a new air conditioning system in your house.” Hoseok makes up the lie on the spot and he’s bad — never a destined deceit manipulator. “Is your husband home?”   “Well, he is, but I don’t think we’re interested. I don’t even know if we ever use our air conditioning.” She still shouts for your father’s name over her shoulder.   Hoseok hums. “Oh, well, please contact us when you’re interested then.”   The man’s arms extend, palm open for a polite handshake. It doesn’t mean much. And your mother reaches out, shaking it without hesitation.    The moment she touches him, you watch as his eyes cloud over. Her grip becomes limp. Tension releases from her shoulders. You don’t know what’s happening, if it will work. Your breath is held in your throat but Hoseok isn’t nervous, staring at the woman before shutting his eyes in concentration.   He conjures up the fake memories — envisioning a happy day when she announced the pregnancy to her husband, a younger version of herself carrying you for nine months. Hoseok imagines how she would’ve felt like holding you for the first time, soothing you in the middle of the night as you cried, the times when you first walked, when you babbled her name.   He passes on as many childhood memories that he can possibly convey through his touch, recalling his own memories so they’re not completely groundless and baseless. Hoseok stitches together images of the first time you held her hands, the first time you entered school, when you graduated, when you got your first job, endless, endless memories….   And then he lets go.   There’s a pause.    Your mother’s eyes zone back into reality, crashing down from her trance. Her head falls to the side and her brows furrow. Most of all, her gaze is filled with recognition. “....Y/N?”   It’s the first time she’s called your name in a decade. “M-mom?”   She scoffs, looking between you and Hoseok. “What are you standing out here for? Who’s this?”   “Ummm….he-he’s a friend….selling air conditioning.” You laugh, bubbling out of you unintentionally and tears cloud your vision, clinging to your lashes as you blink. You wipe your face quickly before the tears can shed down your cheeks. It hurts that the repair of your life was so simply found but the pain was drawn out for so long. You’re relieved, overwhelmed, upset.   “Honey, who’s at the door?” Your father approaches and glances at both you and Hoseok. “Who’s this?”   “It’s nice to meet you.” Again, the man beside you extends his hand and your father shakes it out of courtesy.   The same thing occurs, strength lost, grip limp, eyes glossed over. It puts a strain on Hoseok to use his ability to such an extent, but he pushes through and tries his best through breaths staggering past gritted teeth. It’s a strain as he imagines the big events of your life, the little ones, allowing the other man to fill the spaces in between.   Hoseok fabricates the memories, drawing them out inside his own head, painting them and filling them with colour, bringing them to life. In ten seconds, he’s created a whole lifetime and he lets go.   “This is Y/N’s friend,” your mom introduces, pleasantly surprised.   “It’s a boy,” your father comments, eyes sweeping at his figure up and down, sizing the man up.   They act as if it’s always been like this — you, their precious daughter, a constant in the lives that they feel the need to protect. You’re emotional, hands shaking, knees weak. And you push past Hoseok, running up to the pair of them and engulfing them in an embrace. You hold them as close as you can, nearly sobbing into their shoulder. “W-what’s going on?”   Your mother laughs awkwardly while your father is as stiff as a stick. “What are you doing?”   “I love you,” you repeat in a broken whisper. It’s been years since they’ve last recognized you as their daughter. You’re no longer ostracized from your family, an outsider against your own will. They know who you are and they love you — your love is no longer a weapon used against yourself.   Your father calls you by your name seconds later, confused, and you let go. They don’t know what’s going on, befuddlement etched on their expressions, wondering if you did something wrong and now you’re trying to butter them up, but it’s nothing of that sort.   “Well….I’ll go get refreshments for your friend.” Your mother brushes off your odd behaviour when she finds Hoseok still awkwardly lingering at the front door step. She returns his kind smile and goes off into the kitchen.   Your father, on the other hand, steps away from you and grunts, remembering the stranger in his presence. “You have a job, boy?”   “It’s um….a government job.”   “Good pay?”   “Dad,” you whisper, but you can’t find it in yourself to be embarrassed. “C-can you give us a moment?”    His eyes narrow onto Hoseok, but he reluctantly walks away and you wait until you hear your parents talking in the kitchen, mother chiding him for being so stern. Your mind is still unable to wrap around it. It’s surreal and you’re about to have an emotional breakdown, overwhelmed that the people who saw you as a stranger finally recognized who you really were.   You can still remember the morning where the tide turned and you woke up with them shaking you, not knowing who you were, throwing you out and believing you were sick when you said they were your parents.    “I...I don’t know h-how to thank….I….”   “Don’t.” He smiles. “You don’t need to. I’m supposed to help, right? Just doing my job.”   “No. This is….way more than that….” He knows it too.   “I should go.” Hoseok turns reluctantly, hitching a thumb over to the road. It’s not what he particularly wants, but what he knows he should do. “Let you have some time to catch up. I’ll see you soon….the application is almost done...so….”   “You should stay,” you insist, not wanting him to go so soon. “F-for dinner, I mean….d-do you want to have some dinner?”   “No, I’m okay.” He grins and quips, “I’ll go have some lasagna instead.”   Hoseok ends up bidding you farewell, giving a wave when he’s standing by his car and you watch as he drives off. But when he’s gone, you’re not left in quietness on your lonesome. The warm laughter of your family fills the space behind you.    It was Hoseok that had given that back to you.   //   While the night is still young and you’re off surrounded by family in the warmth of your home, Hoseok sits alone at the desk inside his apartment. He spins around in his swivel chair, staring at the ceiling, reliving the moments of today inside his mind — playing back the memories like they’re tapes, recalling the way you looked at him, the way you smiled as he stood at the doorstep.    He sharply inhales, forcibly wrenching himself from remembering and he shakes off the emotion that’s been placed at his feet. Instead, the man composes himself and reaches for papers in his drawer, taking a pen inside the cup he has in the corner.   And Hoseok begins to write. Journal entries, scribbles, anything that comes to mind. He writes all he can remember, the first time he ever had an encounter with you to the little quirks he’s noticed in his days of observation. He writes papers upon papers, afraid that he’ll forget.   Afraid that one day, he won’t remember this anymore.   //   “I’ve sent the paperwork off. Everything looks good.”   He tells you the news over coffee instead of being in the quietness of his office. This is one of the last times Hoseok might ever see you again — his job is finished. He can’t go any further than he already has and knowing such, he savours the moment. “I’m glad.”   “It was nice to meet you.” The man tries his best to remain professional, but he slips, showing his faults when he becomes too sincere, “I...hope things work out for you, Y/N. You deserve it.”   “Thank you...for everything that you’ve done for me. Helping me with these documents, trying to understand where I’m coming from...um...and helping with my parents. I don’t...I just don’t know how I can ever repay you.”   “Don’t.” Hoseok grins, coffee cup warm in his hand as he stares at you. “I don’t do things to be repaid.”   “Let me at least take you out for dinner,” you offer after spending nights brewing over it. You don’t know how you could ever express your gratitude or pay back this debt you owe, but this is the only thing you thought of. “It’s the least I can do. I haven’t offered you a real meal when you stayed with me, and I want to thank you.”   “I...ummm...don’t really go out with any of my clients.” It’s definitely strange, but deep down a part of him wants it too. Hoseok reminds himself that it’s over — his part is done. It’s okay to see you again. “But I’ll make an exception this time.”   You smile. “I promise I’ll make your time worthwhile.”   He scoffs, leaning forward over the table, closer to you with mischief glimmering in his eyes. “You better or I’ll charge you for my time.”   It’s a simple dinner, a place he picked that’s rather modest and intimate. You order a soup and he orders noodles and you chat while waiting, while eating. For the first time, his questions aren’t asked to answer forms he has to fill out later. Conversations aren’t about his work or your ability. Nothing like that at all.    The two of you speak about childhood memories, where you grew up, where he grew up, exchanging similar school stories before ranting about kid shows you used to watch and celebrity scandals that those actors ended up getting in. It’s fairly mundane, ridiculous even, but easy. It’s easy to talk to him, comfortable, and you aren’t nervous like the first time when you sat across from his desk.   The food ends up being cold, but none of you mind over some heated conversations on the topic of how plausible Spider-Man's abilities are in real life. The debate aside, the outing goes well.   Before you know it, it’s ended and he’s walking you down the street, hands deep in his pants pocket, steps synced to yours.   “I..uh parked here.”   “I parked over there.”   “Oh.” You laugh, the coldness nipping at your nose and making spoken words into clouds of condensation. “What a coincidence. I..um...guess this is goodbye then.”   “Yeah.” For a few seconds, Hoseok’s eyes flicker down to your lips. His skin is glowing underneath the lamppost’s yellow light and you notice how the pink of his tongue peeks out to wet the chapped corners of his mouth. But instinctively, you step back, refusing to kiss him — for his sake, more than yours.   Hoseok must notice your apprehension since he quickly focuses back onto your eyes again, swallowing hard as apologies clog his throat, never coming out. He takes a deep breath to compose himself and says, “I-I’d love to see you again.”   “What?”   “I don’t know about you, but I had a really good time tonight.” His fists curl and he desperately wishes he had some liquid courage. But he grabs at the chance anyhow before it passes through his fingertips. In the past two weeks, he’s gotten to know you well and he likes you a lot. “And...and I’d love to see you again some time. If you want to.”   “I….” You’d like that, very much. Except— “I don’t know if that’s a good idea. I’m not in a position where I can have a relationship.”   Your abilities prevent you from getting close to anyone and it’s the responsible thing to distance yourself from others before you end up getting hurt. But you’re beginning to feel particularly reckless and you don’t want him to leave.    You want to see him again.   “As friends,” Hoseok adds on quickly. “We can see each other as friends, right?” It’s a lie. He’s not a destined deceit manipulator and he knows for a fact he can’t just be your friend, but Hoseok doesn’t want to fabricate memories with you. He doesn’t want to daydream and wonder ‘what if’ tomorrow or in the next ten years. He wants things to be real with you. He wants to have the experience, to be in the present, even if the memories don’t last.   You’re conflicted.   The man who stands in front of you on this cold night is dangerous. You don’t know if you can take the leap, bear to be hurt again, muster up enough courage. But as he gazes at you in a way you’ve never known before, you step forward.   “Okay.” It’s a soft whisper that means everything and a smile tickles its way onto your face. “But you better make my time worthwhile, Hoseok. Or I’ll charge you for my time.”   A grin spreads into his cheeks and he has to resist the urge of cheering. “I promise I’ll make it worthwhile.”   //   Accepting Hoseok’s one request turns to two, three, four. A simple dinner and movie becomes long walks in the parks and afternoon picnics, conversations shared between glasses of wine or in the car driving to somewhere. You end up sharing breakfast, brunch, dinner with him, holding hands while window shopping, going out for ice-cream before ending up at your house again, this time with him laying on your bed.   It’s wrong. Guilt, fear, terror boils in the pit of your stomach, but he somehow makes them silent in his presence. You can’t bear to end things, so you hope for the best, that the application will go through quicker and someone out there can help remove this ability from you before it’s too late.   Before Hoseok succumbs to your curse.   But your wish takes its time, just like all the years before. And in the meanwhile, time spent with Hoseok makes days fly, years short. He squirms his way closer to you without warrant, flashing grins and smiles, telling you not to worry. He knows what you’re afraid of and he assures you nothing will happen.    It doesn’t work. He doesn’t have the gift of persuasion or of speaking honey words that could hypnotize you. The more comfortable you become with him, the more terrified you are.   What begins as casual starts to become too serious. You try to not let him close, but the effort proves futile. It’s wrong. Wrong to be with him. Wrong that you could ever be with someone. Wrong that to let this happen when you knew better. All of it is wrong and goes against what you’re allowed.   And the fear eventually boils over.    Only, it happens on a Tuesday evening. During the first argument.   “—I mean, would it kill you to at least rinse the plates?” you’re muttering at the sink, scrubbing furiously at the dishes and a sauce stain that won’t come off for some ungodly reason.   Hoseok scoffs. “I did.”   “Obviously not well enough.”   “Why don’t you just move over and let me wash.” He joins your side and the way he offers to do it isn’t because of a good heart, but made from annoyance at how you’re irritated. It’s a cycle that both refuse to break because of stubbornness.    “You don’t wash them right.”   You’re done anyways, piling the dishes on top of the rack to let them dry. He’s unimpressed. “There’s a right way to wash them?”   “Yes.” Your tone is curt and it’s humiliating how childish and dumb this fight is. You can’t back down for the sake of your embarrassment. “You just have to make them clean. Just cause they’re my dishes doesn’t mean you can just half-ass it.”   “I don’t half-ass it,” he defends, pitch lifting.   “Then why are your dishes at your place always cleaner than mine?” The tap is turned off and you turn to him with hands on your hips. This was definitely the stupidest thing the two of you have gotten mad about.   “Then maybe we should just share the same dishes!”   “How are we supposed to share the same dishes, Jung Hoseok?!”   “Move in with me!”    He shouts it suddenly, but not exactly impulsively. It’s as if he’s been thinking about it for a while now, considering it carefully and looking for a time to say it to you. The time isn’t perfect now — not at all close to how he imagined bringing it up, but the pair of you have never had time on your side after all.   Hoseok’s heaving his breaths, catching up on breathing and you’re reeling, brows lifted, confused. Your voice is soft like he just personally attacked you, and in a way he did. You’re not hurt or damaged, just….caught off guard.   “W-why would I do that?”   He realized it now, standing in the kitchen with you, at both your ugliest, fighting about dishwashing. He doesn’t walk away. Neither do you. And Hoseok realizes he wouldn’t want to be with anyone else doing this, that if the rest of his life is filled with this stupid shit, he wouldn’t mind at all.    As long as he’s here with you.   “Because I—”   “No!” You rush in urgency, pettiness escaping you. The dumb fight is forgotten in an instant and you can’t bear it. The words have caught in your throat, stuck and causing a thick lump that makes it hard to swallow. You know what he’s about to say and you don’t want to hear it. “Don’t fucking say it, Jung Hoseok. Don’t you dare.”   He whispers your name, pleading with you and trying to get your attention. He has to.   You step forward, grabbing a fistful of his shirt, head slumped. “Please, Hoseok,” you beg him. “Don’t say it. Don’t tell me.”   A secure hand curls around your wrist, an arm wrapping around your waist. His head falls onto your shoulder. “Nothing will happen.”   “It’ll happen,” you sob out. “It’ll happen, so don’t. Please. I don’t want to hear it.”   “I have to.” He holds you tighter, grip full of unspoken apologies.    “No, no, you don’t.” You’re crying pathetically, voice cracking unpleasantly, tears shedding down your face and falling onto the floor as if it’s raining.   “I can’t change how I feel about you,” he whispers with a ghost of a smile on his lips, pressing it right on the juncture of your neck. “I can’t hide it, so I might as well say it out loud, right?”   “N-no...please…”   “I want to tell you before it’s too late.”   “Hoseok—”   “I love you.”   He declares it boldly and without hesitation, wearing a soft smile tinged with sadness. Sobs break out of your throat and you tremble in his grasps. Hoseok holds your face in his hands, making you look at him past your blurry vision and he repeats it with conviction, “I’m in love with you.”   You hug him, holding on like you’re an anchor, afraid he’s going to float away. You’re unable to say anything or choke out a coherent syllable, so he leans in to kiss you, dying to do so after the first date.   Hoseok tilts his head and when his mouth meets yours, it’s soft, though not entirely sweet. Your salty tears linger, his touch bitter to you, but he remains gentle, gingerly kissing your lips over and over again with staggering exhales of regret stolen from the seam of his mouth. Hoseok soaks in your expression with half-lidded eyes before he shuts them, relishing in the feeling alone.   This is what you were so apprehensive about. It’s your worst nightmare. And when it’s over, you’re left with heartache.   Hoseok leans his forehead against yours and he promises something he can’t, “I’ll remember you again and I’ll fall in love with you again. Over and over. As many times as we need.”    You embrace him close, but it doesn’t matter if he’s an arm’s length away or pressed against your body. He’s leaving, body here but mind not. He’s confident that he won’t forget, blindly so, believing in the letters he’s written about you, journal entries, pictures, that you’re here with him.   He’s wrong.   Once he’s fallen asleep against his will, giving in to the heavy seduction of slumber, you slip away from his grasps, grabbing clothes to cover your naked skin and you leave your own home.   You can’t bear to stay and watch as confusion takes over his face, wondering who you are, why he’s in a stranger’s home. Once he takes the traces of himself out of your place in the morning, you’ll be left solely with his scent clinging to the bed sheets and your own quiet mind.   And as you had imagined, when Hoseok awakes hours later, he is bewildered.   The home is empty and he picks himself up slowly off the bed, clothing himself, calling out to no one. He is utterly confused and glances at the picture frames on shelves, photographs of a woman he doesn’t know. He doesn’t understand, clutching his own head and deducts that this was a one night stand.   Whoever you are, it was a one night stand, a reckless mistake he made while drunk.   His memory is void.   All the dark ink of the letters and entries he’s written about fades into the paper, becoming invisible. The pictures snapped of you and him together erases you until he’s alone in the frame. Every effort made vanishes. It’s wiped away from his brain. He doesn’t know your name.   While Hoseok can fabricate memories, his own are ripped away from him.   But he cannot even mourn for such a tragic irony. He simply digs his feet in his shoes that are placed near the entrance in a neat fashion. He digs his hands into his pants pocket. He leaves.   And just like that, Jung Hoseok is gone from your life.

[Epilogue]   There’s something important on his mind that he can’t quite pinpoint.   Hoseok feels like he’s forgetting something very important. It’s one of those things that he recalls his past self told his future self that he definitely needs to remember. But it isn’t an errand he needs to run or something he has to pick up from the grocery store, he knows that much.   Still, it’s on the tip of his tongue, the edge of his mind and it drives him crazy.   Hoseok doesn’t know what it is and he can’t dispel this discomfort from his chest.   “Umm...excuse me.” There’s a tap on his shoulder and he turns to find a pretty girl with sparkling, brown eyes smiling brightly at him. “I think it’s your turn.”   “O-oh…” He follows to where she’s pointing and rushes forward to the counter where the worker is waiting patiently. Hoseok makes his coffee order and walks over to the other station while his drink is being made. The girl from behind him also makes her own order and then comes over. He burns in embarrassment and for some reasons out of instinct, he strikes up a conversation instead of brushing it off. “S-sorry about that.”   The female giggles. “It’s no problem.” She looks away and then steals a glance at him. “I don’t blame you. Monday mornings can be tiring and sometimes I forget where I am.”   “Yeah.” He releases a long exhale, smiling. “I was just really lost in thought. Hopefully the coffee will help.”   “It probably will. It always does.”   He nods and before the conversation can die off, he asks, “Do you come here a lot?”   “Sometimes.” She fiddles with the fabric of her floral dress that hugs her frame. Hoseok feels nervous in her presence and he’s certain he’s never felt this way before, but the emotion isn’t foreign to him. He’s not sure why. “Actually, I don’t know why I went to this one today. I just got a feeling that I should. Usually, I go to the one on fifth avenue.”   “Oh. Is fifth avenue’s coffee shop better?”   She tucks a strand of hair behind her ear. “I think it depends on the person.”   Hoseok swallows hard and goes in for the kill. “I should check it out then. I’ve never been. But I wouldn’t really know what’s good to order. I think I would need someone...to join me…”   The girl blinks and laughter bubbles up her throat — it’s pleasant to the ears. “Are you suggesting that I be the one to join you?”   He shrugs, playing it casual. “If you want, I’d love to take you out for coffee some time.”   She lightly scoffs, smile still spread into her rosy cheeks. “Just because you’re so smooth, I’ll agree. But I don’t even know your name.”   “Jung Hoseok.” He extends his hand and she shakes it.   “Seo Soojin.” The woman grins and his chest feels a flutter. “It’s nice to meet you.”   His smile expands. “Likewise.”   //   Jung Hoseok’s met his soulmate. He’s confident in it.   While he doesn’t even believe in the concept of a kindred soul, his mind is consistently boggled over this girl. How easily she fits into his life. How much she matches him, compliments his personality, makes up for what he lacks. She is a puzzle piece, fitting right into his life like she was always meant to be there.   She loves to help people as much as he does. She gardens in her spare time, a hobby that she adores and she eventually teaches him how to keep flower bushes alive. Soojin is bright and beautiful, chirpy and cute, reminding him of sunshine itself. She is everything he could want.   A date turns to two, three, four. He’s happy and he thinks he’s never felt like this before.   Yet, something feels missing.    “Hoseok?”   “Hmmm?”   “Are you okay?” she asks over a candle light dinner, restaurant filled with murmurs from patrons around them. Hoseok lifts his face to find her frowning in concern, having gone quiet for an uncomfortable amount of time.    “Y-yeah, I’m fine. Sorry. Was just thinking about something else.”   He’s holding himself back. It doesn’t feel right. It feels—   It feels wrong.   Hoseok’s uncomfortable and his instincts make him lean away from her touch, makes him keep her at a distance. He doesn’t know what’s wrong with him, why he’s acting like this when the perfect girl is in front of him.   “Jung, you there?” His boss is at the door, leaning on the frame, interrupting his stream of thoughts. “Boy, you look tired.”   “Yeah, I’m sorry.” He leans back in his chair, pinching the bridge of his nose to get a grip of himself before he gets fired.   “Well, just wanted to tell you that case number six four three seven is moving ahead. They were going to throw out the application, but your special request letter ended up changing some minds up there. It’s usually not your style to be anything other than professional. But even I gotta admit it was pretty touching. You’ve never personally vouched for anyone so that was a surprise.” The older man shrugs. “I know it was a special case to you, so I thought I’d let you know.”   “W-what?”   Hoseok is more confused than before. He has no idea what the man is talking about.   He searches through his computer. Nothing. There aren’t any files on this case number. He’s baffled and ends up dropping his knees, fingertips running through the files in his file cabinet.    There’s no paperwork whatsoever in his belongings.   Hoseok becomes fixated on the issue, obsessed. It’s like he’s an inch away from scratching an itch on his back that’s been driving him to the brink of insanity. And he is compelled by a sixth sense to spend a late night at the office, skipping dinner out on his girlfriend and sending a delayed text message as an apology. He leaves his office to the main floor, going to the very back in the room of cabinets where they keep copies of everything. Hoseok files through the numbers until there’s white paper coating the carpeted floor. He pulls everything out that he can.   It bothers him. Bewitched him.   He needs to know what’s going on.   And after hours of drowning in the sea of paperwork, he finds the file folder with the correct string of numbers. Euphoria fills his body as he holds it and he doesn’t waste time to flip it open. Hoseok finds your application, the report he filled out, the letter he wrote attached to it — he doesn’t understand.   He didn’t write this.   He doesn’t remember doing this.   But these are his words, his writing, his signature marked at the bottom.   “Are you alright, Seok?”   It lingers on his mind and he’s only shocked out of it when Soojin hugs him from behind when he’s at the sink, washing the dishes. Her arms wrap around his abdomen, tight, scared at how distant he feels. It gives him a sense of déjà vu, but it still feels wrong. Wrong. Wrong!   He pulls her off of him.   Hoseok shuffles away in discomfort, escaping from her grasps and wandering hands. “I’m….fine. You should go to bed,” he mumbles. “Didn’t you say you were sleepy?”   His girlfriend ends up walking away in silence, hurt. He doesn’t know what’s going on.   This is his soulmate. There’s nothing he can complain about, no faults in her at all that he can nitpick. She’s perfect for him, a flawless couple that makes others ooze of envy. But he’s the sole cause of the rift between them. Hoseok is self-sabotaging his relationship. And he doesn’t know why.   “We haven’t had a date in so long,” she is curt, angry and he feels guilt overwhelm him when he realizes he made her this way. “We’re going to the movies this weekend.”   “I’m busy—”    “No but’s, Hoseok.” Soojin is done and walks away, forcing him to begrudgingly oblige.    It happens on a Tuesday evening.   The sun is falling from the horizon, painting the world in golden hues. His eyes are bleary, muscles aching from the long day of work, and yet he has to drag his legs forward. Soojin is stomping ahead of him, steps heavy, marching straight ahead with a frown.   He lags behind her with his hands deep in his pockets, sighing.   But something catches in his peripheral vision.   It’s a flutter of someone's skirt, their hair brushing in the wind, a sweet scent that he used to know wafting over to overwhelm his senses. It’s someone familiar. And his heart stings. His head whips away from the front and he looks over, eyes locking with this person’s.   You’re standing across the street.   Feet rooted in the ground. Shock. Fear. Relief. Longing. And above all, a sorrowful regret etched on your beautiful features that takes Hoseok’s breath away. He knows you from somewhere, though he can’t pinpoint it. Maybe at some point you had sat across his desk from him nervously fiddling with your fingers in your lap, maybe he had sat across from you at a restaurant table….maybe this….maybe that….   All Hoseok is certain about is that he can’t move away.   You can’t either, staring, watching, frozen in time as people pass by on the street towards their homes. Hoseok softly gazes at you, the way the golden dusk light makes you shine somehow.   He can’t look anywhere else.   It takes ten seconds before Soojin realizes he’s no longer following her and she turns around on her heels. “Hoseok! What are you doing?!” But he ignores her. He can’t hear her whatsoever.    It’s instinct that takes over Hoseok, making him cross that street. He takes a step forward.   And like he promised, he doesn’t need his memories.