#also part 2 i will try to gif every vlog this time

[feelbokkie]

When he has to keep your relationship a secret

☀️Feelbokkie M.list☀️

Part 2

genre: disgusting amount of fluff

pov: 2nd person

description: Subtle ways bf!skz simps for you when he can’t reveal your relationship.

pairing: bf!skz x reader

warnings: there is like one swear word

word count: 1,934

©feelbokkie (2023) — all rights reserved. reposting/modification of any kind is not tolerated.

방 찬 (Bang Chan)

Makes a playlist

Loves you and also wants to keep your relationship private anyway

But also adores you and wants to show you off

He thought it would be fun to mess with Stay too

So he just started playing music that spelled out your name with the titles during his lives

He didn't do it all in one day because he was scared that someone would figure it out immediately

So he spread it across several lives

After he was done spelling out your name, he would just play your favorite songs

Or songs that would remind him of you

Or a song that you two heard while you were together and formed a core memory to

Would be blushing smiling like a dumbass while the songs are playing, remembering you and all the happy memories

Makes a playlist with those songs and shared the link on his bubble

He adds songs to it periodically so fans don't read too much into the order and see your name

이 민 호 (Lee Min-Ho)

A special hand sign

He's not the type who is big on matching couple items

And you were okay with that, he wasn't supposed to talk about your relationship anyway

But he was so in love with you, he wanted to tell the world

So he came up with a hand sign that he could do during performances and vlogs

Spent a lot of time researching sign language to make sure he wasn't going to do anything offensive or stupid

It also needed to be small and not complex so he could sneak it into dances

The first time he did it in a performance, he sat down with you and watched your reaction to the video

"Why did you do that? Did you forget the move and freestyle?"

You had sat through enough rehearsals and watched enough of their performances to know the choreography, especially Minho's parts, to know that he was not supposed to do that

"No, I did that on purpose." "Why?" "For you." "What?"

He let you sit confused for the rest of the video before finally explaining

The hand sign is meant to let you know that he loves you

And misses you

And is thinking about you

He did it every chance he got

It got to the point where Stay noticed and just thought it was a Lee Know Quirk™️

Naturally, they adopted it

You thought he would be annoyed that Stay was doing it too

"They're just helping spread and amplify my love for you."

서 창 빈 (Seo Chang-Bin)

Wears a necklace with your name

Genuinely does not care about having to keep it a secret

Wants to shout it from the rooftop

And has

The only reason he keeps quiet is because you don't feel comfortable being in the spotlight

But he will wear a necklace with your name on it

Like a dog collar

It literally says "If lost, return to Y/N"

Smug bastard

Refuses to take it off

Won't even tuck it inside his shirt

Will even purposely show it with your name facing out in pictures

It has to be edited in every picture

It's either edited to read "If lost, return to Stay," made to look blank, or edited out completely

Stay thinks that the return to Stay is the original so they made their own versions of it

"If lost, return to *insert select skz member*" or "If lost, return to Stray Kids"

Fans don't try to read the necklace anymore, they just think it's the Stay one

It's also a tiny locket

Which you only found out about 3 months into him owning the necklace

Naturally, there is a little picture of you in it

황 현 진 (Hwang Hyun-Jin)

Couple rings

He wears a lot of rings anyway, so nobody would think about the one that you two share being a couple ring

It was the one ring he never swapped out so Stay just thought it was his favorite

They aren’t wrong

That thing is always on his person at all times

If it doesn’t match an outfit for a photoshoot or a performance he’ll either wear it as a necklace or in his shoe

One time he tried to be creative and tied it to his hair so you could see it when they did a close up for a performance

Naturally, the ring flew off when he was dancing and it was lost

Couldn’t even go on stage to look for it when he realized because another group was on stage

Had a mini panic attack and called you crying while the guys tried to help find it after the show

You tried to calm him down over the phone and tell him that you two can just buy a new one

He didn’t want a new one, he wanted that one

He knew he could buy a new one, but he couldn’t buy the memories that came with the original

He won it in a claw machine during the date where you two made it official

It was one of those games where the prizes are actually expensive and good quality

After you two redeemed the rings, he got down on one knee and “proposed”

“Y/N, will you make me the happiest man alive and allow me to be your boyfriend?”

And on your one year anniversary you two got each other’s names and your anniversary date engraved on the inside

A few days later a staff member brought the ring and told him how they found it when they were taking down the set

After that he made sure all of his performance clothes had a tiny pocket on the inside just for his ring

한 지 성 (Han Ji-Sung)

Paints one of his nails to match yours

It started randomly

You two were watching an anime together and you were painting your nails because you needed something to do with your hands

When you finished, you saw how engrossed be was in the show

So you painted his pinky nail to see if he would noticed

He didn’t

After you finished painting his pinky, you contemplated painting the rest of his nails to see how far you could get

Decided against it since it would be a waste and he would just take it off soon anyway

“Look, we match!” Drawing attention to your handiwork

He looked confused at first

He saw how happy it made you and decided to just leave it

You were honestly surprised to see the nail polish still there 2 weeks later and slightly chipped

He was not happy to see that you had painted them a different color

“We don’t match anymore.”

It’d take you a second to realize that he was talking about the nail polish

"Let's get that fixed, shall we?"

"Can we put it on this finger this time?"

He would point to his ring finger

Wears his nail polish like a wedding ring

Has gotten to the point where you just text him when you changed the color

Would not let his stylist remove the polish or paint over it anytime he had to paint his nails for work

That nail was reserved for you two only

Fans thought he was just trying to be stylish and different with the singular different color nail

He bought a large set of mini nail polishes so that he would be prepared for the next time you went and painted your nails

Takes them with him on tour with him so he can keep up

Stares at his hand fondly and thinks of you

이 용 복 (Lee Felix Yong-Bok)

Matching bracelets

He was helping you move out of your parents' house and into your first apartment when he found a bracelet making kit

Persuaded you into taking a quick break so you can make bracelets

You taught him a few simple braids that he could weave together on his own

Took him a few minutes but he got the hang of it

When you two were finished, he suggested that you two swapped bracelets

Only takes it off when he has to for work or when he's taking a shower

Stay once made fun of it because it was so out of place with all of his expensive accessories

"This is the most expensive accessory I own, actually."

He felt bad because the one you wore was like a shoelace compared to his

You had incorporated both his and your favorite colors and somehow added little heart beads

Bought his own kit and practiced making bracelets until he was satisfied

Surprised you with the new bracelet

"Now I have one for each arm." "You can just take off the first one." "Why would I do that?" "You don't have to pretend to like it." "Why would I pretend to like it? I love it, you made it for me. A Lix original."

Would try not to cry, and fail miserably, over those words while tying the bracelet for you

김 승 민 (Kim Seung-Min)

Keeps a photo of you in his phone case

You two went and printed photo cards of each other at the mall one day

It was one of those kiosk where you could upload personal photos and they print out in photo card form immediately

You guys have two each, one individual photo of each other and your favorite couple photos

He keeps the couple photo framed and takes it with him on tour

But the one of just you? That's on his person 24/7

He considered getting one of those phone cases where you could insert a photo card or a clear case but he knew that would only cause him trouble, you two were meant to be a secret

So inside the phone case it went where it couldn't be seen

That thing is so protected, even if his phone fell into a sink full of water, your photocard would be fine

Pulls it out and stares at it when he's sad

Or tired

Or anxious

Or stressed

Or mad

Or drained

Or happy

He's so in love with you that he's always staring

Especially when you two are apart for long periods of time

If you two are unable to video chat but can talk on the phone normally, he'll pull out the photo card so he can at least look at you while talking

Panics any time his phone is missing

That photo cards, and the countless other photos he has of you on his phone would be gone forever

If you ever ask him about where he keeps his picture of you, he will lie and say it's at the dorm or something

You can't know how much he is actually in love with you

Sometimes the boys will find him asleep clutching his phone and when they go to try and take it so that they can charge it, they realized that he was just staring at the photocard taped to the case

양 정 인 (Yang Jeong-In)

Sets a picture of you as his lock screen

It took a lot of work

Chan had to help him figure out how to do it at first

If anyone looked at his phone, they wouldn’t see you, they would see a random landscape

But, if anyone held down on the lock screen, they would see the landscape pan over to you and you would be smiling at the camera

He saw that trend where people were turning live photos in to lock screens and figured it was the best compromise

Plays the video often when he misses you

Just sitting there, looking at his phone lock screen

Is careful how he holds his phone in public, does not want to accidentally trigger the video to play

Gets teased and called a simp for how often he looks at his phone smiling

But he doesn’t care

He just want to see the love of his life

—

Buy me a coffee?

[charleetyger]

'I GOT A TEXT!': How Reality TV creates a Digital Community of its Own.

'I'm not here to make friends, I'm here to [win/find love]'

- every reality TV contestant ever, probably...

Reality TV and Social Media: The Paradox Edition

If you go to the grocery store and walk on up to the egg section, you are going to have to make a decision. Free range or caged eggs. Now, most people stray away from caged eggs because, well...they're bad. Hens are kept in confined and relatively small spaces for the sole purpose of laying eggs. Whereas free-range eggs are able to walk free and spread their wings and lay eggs in their own time.

In a way, we can relate this decision back to us, as an audience, having to make that decision: do we watch Reality TV or do we not?

Having a basic human conscience and empathy for our fellow earthlings, means that one should agree that people should not keep other people in confined spaces for the benefit of other people. I mean, duh! right? Unless, of course, those people are going into those confined spaces VOLUNTARILY. Now all bets are off.

Or are they...?

Now, and stay with me here, I'm going to introduce you to the term 'hate watching.' Hate watching is defined as 'the activity of watching a television programme for the sake of the environment derived from mocking or criticizing it. (Oxford Languages)

Here are some things we know:

We know that Reality TV is essentially placing hens in cages and watching them exist for a while.

2. We know that we shouldn't be enjoying watching other humans confined for entertainment.

And yet Reality TV is that entertaining that we simply cannot peel our eyes away from the screen. It is that attention-hooking that we cannot not talk about it. The talk about Reality TV 'is not only found in homes, workplaces and schools, but also proliferates online in forums, web comments, blogs, vlogs and social media.' (Deller, 2019).

Reality TV and social media go hand-in-hand like bread and butter. There is no one without the other these days.

'hey! did you watch [insert your chosen reality TV show here] last night?'

'ugh, no...but somehow i know exactly what happens?!'

If you have ever had a similar conversation to the one above—just know that you are not alone.

Jacquelyn Arcy states that 'the proliferation of transmedia storytelling– creating ongoing narratives across multiple media platforms indicates how the television industry is using new media to keep viewers engaged between broadcasts.' (2018, p. 2).

Social media has opened up new markets and audiences—drama now occurs on multiple platforms. You can't just turn off the television and have the little people in your screen disappear. No—the drama will follow you through small talk in that café, or with your co-workers, or through your phone on TikTok, Instagram, Facebook—and especially Twitter. That's the newfound paradox of Reality TV. You don't have to physically watch the show to know what happens.

(Reality TV... ha ha... get it?)

Anyway, good luck trying to escape #MAFS or #LoveIsland chitchat when you're in a media and communication class—#youcannot.

If you are interested in learning more about how reality TV has shaped modern-day fashion, beauty, celebrities, and politics–below is a 10-part podcast series that delves into the exploitation, lack of aftercare, and the impact of sudden fame that reality TV stars have come across after they have stepped out of the spotlight.

References:

Deller, R. A. (2019). 'Technology for Talking Telly.' Reality television: The tv phenomenon that changed the world. Emerald Publishing Limited.

Arcy, (2018) 'The digital money shot: Twitter wars, The Real Housewives, and transmedia storytelling', Celebrity Studies. p. 2.

[hyunsung]

hyun.e's holiday

[timextoxhajima]

hi dana.. if it’s possible can i request some angsty wangsty based on niki la la lost you with eric🥺 and ughh i really love your writing like crazyyyyy

♥ title: la la lost you in april [also part of @sunlightwoo ‘s 12 Months I Loved You collaboration project]

♥ member: tbz eric

♥ genre: f2l, ex! eric x fem! reader, model! eric [SFW!]

♥ warnings: swearing, some mentions of sex [like, once i think]

♥ wc: 3.4k

♥ a/n: sis when i first heard the song I absolutely loved how you used 'angsty wangsty' so I hope this one does it for you the way you imagined it <3 [fyi i wrote it in like, a camcorder recording audio format which is something i’m trying out so please hmu on whether it’s difficult to read/understand!]

[REC: APRIL 2, 2019 - 6:39PM] SOLO LOG #1

Are you seeing this? This is the most beautiful sunset I’ve seen. I gotta get a shot of this-

Hey! Hey! I could help you take a picture with the sunset if you want to!

Oh! Would- Would you? That’d be great!

Of course! 

...

Here. Is it alright?

Yeah, yeah, it’s cool! Thank you so much!

Are you recording something? Is it a- Are you vlogging? Are you a vlogger?

Yeah, no... I’m actually on a solo trip for a bit.

Oh, where are you from?

Just the next state. 

Ah! You’re taking a break off... life then? I assume? Sorry if that came out weird.

No! No no! It’s alright! Yeah, I just needed a short break from... y’know, school and everything. My semester ended pretty early on so I took the chance to come out here and... see some new sights, meet some new people.

I get that. Well, for a start, what’s your name?

Oh, I’m y/n. Nice to meet you! And you?

I’m Eric. 

[REC: APRIL 4, 2019 - 10:34PM] SOLO LOG #2

It is the 4th of April, 2019. I know, I know, I’m meant to do a daily vlog for all the 50 days I’m here but... it’s been... wow. Um... so I met Eric, the first day I touched down. The beach is just, about a 10 minute walk down and the sunsets are absolutely gorgeous. But uh... call me a fool and say that I’m living in the clouds but- what are the chances?

He’s funny, he’s such a great person to be around with y’know? Never a moment of like, awkwardness or stress and my God, look at me talking about a boy like that, though I met him 2 days ago. 

...

Um, he’s a freelance model. For those freelance shoots by UNIQLO or Target or something and he complains about the pay sometimes, but he looks good infront of a camera, so he’s... actually the one who won at life, really.

I’m not seeing him soon because he’s got a shoot out of town and he’ll be back next week. But I did get his number and he’s been texting me since. 

...

Wouldn’t it be funny if we end up together and then I have this whackass of a reel to show him? Jesus... I need to stop getting ahead of myself here. Freakin’ living in the clouds, aren’t I?

...

Anyway, I’m gonna go and see if I can get my weird projector shit up and working. See you.

[REC: APRIL 7, 2019 - 5:14AM] SOLO LOG #3

It is... 5am... uh, April 7th- and I was just binging FRIENDS through the night, waiting for the sunrise before I get some shut eye and then... Eric just asked me out. Oh my God! Um, he’s coming back this Thursday and I’ll go see him at the airport before we go get dinner.

It was really funny ‘cause he had to wake up early for a shoot today and so his day has just begun but mine’s coming to an end and I just- I’m rambling so much, it’s kinda- it’s kinda sad, isn’t it?

I think I’m too happy to sleep right now so I’m just gonna text him some more before the sun rises- oh! He replied!

...

Anyway, I’m gonna go and finish up this last episode before sleeping. Hopeful I can sleep. Bye!

[REC: APRIL 11, 2019 - 4:28PM] SOLO LOG #4

I am on my way out right now to go meet Eric at the airport, and I’m... it’d be an understatement to say that I’m excited. I know I’ve only known him for like, 2 days before he left but... I miss him. Is that possible? Missing someone despite knowing them for 2 days?

Anyway, I gotta go. Don’t wanna be late to see him.

[REC: APRIL 13, 2019 - 10:23AM] SOLO LOG #5

Oh! Is that what you had-

Yeah! It’s the same camera!

What are you vlogging for, actually? Like-

Nothing, really. It’s just for my own usage-

Wait, you didn’t like set that up last night while we-

Oh, God, no! Who do you think I am?

I don’t know, I mean, we’ve known each other for... is it two weeks-

Just under two weeks-

Jeez-

I know, I know, oh my God.

...

I don’t regret it though. Yeah, like- I don’t really go down to the beach that often in the first place and it just- it just so happened that you were there that day and I saw you struggling with this old thing-

I was not struggling!

Yeah you were!

I wasn’t-

I’m kidding! Gosh, you’re so cute.

...

Are you gonna have the camera recording while this carries on?

I forgot it was on-

One day we’re gonna accidentally make a sex tape-

Eric!

[REC: APRIL 17, 2019 - 1:15AM] SOLO LOG #6

-ould you pass me the hot water?

Mm? What?

The kettle over on the counter. Careful, it’s hot. Yeah, thanks.

Do you need help with-

It’s just instant noodles, sweet. Doubt I need a diploma for this. You’re recording again?

Yeah, does it bother you?

No, no, ‘course not. Though that means I can’t really do whatever I want to now.

What does that mea-

...

I can... still taste that bit of milk tea you had just now-

Could you tell it’s zero sugar?

I don’t think that matters, it’s still sweet and not great for your health to have that so much.

Aw, and yet you’re the one who suggested noodles at this timing, yeah?

You were hungry too!

...

Here, it’s done. Help me get the bowls? 

Did you even wash these?

Yeah, I did. If you don’t trust me, you can run them under the water for a bit.

Mhm. Here.

If it’s not enough, we can call for Macs.

Y’know, I’ve never had Macs past midnight back at home.

What? Really? Well, when you get back in May, would you try?

Yeah, why not? Maybe I’ll do that when I’m back in school. 

...

What date is it today?

April... hold on, um, 17. Careful, that’s hot.

...

When are you leaving again?

May 22. 

Are you planning on coming back anytime soon after?

I don’t know. I have school to worry about and the only other time I can come back’s probably during winter break in November.

...

I won’t be around in November.

Mm? Why not?

I’m moving.

To where?

I’m not sure yet, but I need to move depending on whether I get it and where the shoot’s at.

Shoot? It’s a big project, huh?

Yeah, it’s- it’s a pretty big deal.

...

I’ll- Let me just go and...

[REC: APRIL 20, 2019 - 7:49PM] SOLO LOG #7

-idn’t have to!

No, c’mon! It’s such a great time to get this on camera! Come on, tell us what just happened!

Well, I just scored a huge model contract with Calvin Klein - in Manhattan.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I’m so fucking proud of you, oh my God! Can you believe it-

No, fuck off, I can’t either! 

Oh! Calvin Klein!

...

I swear, you’re an angel sent to me-

Fuck off!

I’m serious! it’s so timely- I just can’t- I’m just so happy to have met you.

...

Well, you heard it first here, ladies and gentlemen. Eric Sohn is a new model for Calvin Klein - Manhattan.

[REC: APRIL 21, 2019 - 12:40PM] SOLO LOG #8

It is 12.40pm... April 21st, 2019. I’m finally back in my apartment after crashing at Eric’s for the last... 10 days? I think it was 10 days. My clothes were running out and I didn’t want to hike up his water bills so I just came back and- y’know did my own laundry.

...

Well, it’s- it’s been an absolute dream. The last thing I expected to... have, or meet? Here, is Eric. Um, but I know I’m probably going to regret this. Especially when May 22 comes. Uh... this is... it’s real bad. I mean, we’re great, y’know? But... it’s bad, because I know it’ll hurt. Like a bitch. When my time here is up, and I gotta go back to my reality, and Eric’s gotta stick to his. 

We haven’t really talked about it. May. I don’t think he wants to, and I don’t think I want to either. 50 days is too short. Either that, or I shouldn’t have come here in the first place. I shouldn’t have gone to the beach that day, in that hour. 

...

I just wish we had more time. I wish 24 hours were... maybe about 100 seconds more per minute. Does that make sense? 160 seconds per minute. Then again, I don’t think that’d solve my problem. I’ll still be on a ticking... time bomb. 

...

I know I shouldn’t say this. I know I can’t. I know I can’t afford to. But... I... I love him. I love Eric. With every... bit of me. It’s so... disgustingly cliché, but I feel so... comfortable with him. There’s really nothing we’d fight about, and even if we disagreed on something, we’d play it off like a debate, then forget about it the next day.

...

I love him. I do. And I’m going to regret this later. Without a doubt.

...

[REC: APRIL 27, 2019 - 2:02AM] SOLO LOG #9

-ou can see the stars?

I don’t know, that’s why I’m trying, sweet.

...

Can you see them?

Yeah, maybe if I just turn this ISO- Oh! I can kinda see the North Star-

Oh! Yeah, you can! It’s really feint though.

Right.

It’s okay, we can just lay it down here-

On the grass? Will your camera be fine?

Yeah, yeah, or else you can just put in on top of my bag- here.

...

Here, can you see me? Am I in frame?

Yeah, you’re in frame.

Okay, great. Now get over here!

...

I can taste the smoothie you had just now.

Too sweet?

A little.

...

Oh my God! Put me down! Oh- not there! It’s ticklish- AHHHHH!

...

y/n, I have something to tell you.

Mm? What is it?

...

Hello? Earth to Eric?

I... I love you. So much... and I can’t bear to see you go in May. 

Oh, Eric...

No, I- I don’t want you to stay- or even think about it, ‘cause, you have your priorities and I have mine y’know...

Mhm.

I just... I just wished we had more time. 

I do too. I really do.

...

Eric?

Hm?

I love you too.

...

...

...

[REC: MAY 1, 2019 - 4:23AM] SOLO LOG #10

1st May. 4...30? Am? I believe. Um, Eric’s sound asleep in his bed and I couldn’t sleep so I decided to do a log. 

...

I have... 3 weeks left. 4 weeks have gone past just like that, and I don’t know what to think about it. I came for a 50-day retreat. No stress, just myself and peace and quiet and tranquility and yet-

...

I- I don’t know if I can do this.

...

[REC: MAY 7, 2019 - 3:58PM] SOLO LOG #11

So, Eric’s in shoot right now and I’m on the way into the studio with some donuts and coffee to surprise him. I called his manager and asked if it was okay so- I’m pretty psyched to see his workspace. 

...

Hi, I’m y/n, I’m here to visit Eric?

Ah, okay! Hold on, let me just get you signed in with the pass-

Count me in!

You sure? This Saturday at the prep-party?

Yeah- Oh! 

Eric!

y/n! What are you doing here?

I wanted to surprise you. Am I... interrupting anything?

Oh, not at all!

You must be y/n! Eric’s told me so much about you!

Did he? And you are...?

I’m Chelsea! I’ve been attached to the same Calvin Klein contract he recently got, so you could say we’re colleagues!

Well, nice to meet you! Oh, right, these donuts and coffee are meant for you guys actually!

Oh! You’re too kind! Eric, you’re such a lucky man.

I know, she’s just... everything.

Anyway, thank you so much for these. I’ll bring them back down to the studio for the crew to share. But Eric’s pretty much done for the day actually, so you guys can leave if you want to!

Are you sure? Don’t you need help downstairs with the equipment?

No, no! It’s fine, there’re more than enough people downstairs. Go have your date, and maybe you can bring her along with you for the prep-party this weekend!

What’s the prep-party... preparing for?

Oh, you’re so adorable! It’s a prep-party for the end-of-May shoot we’re gonna have. it’s a collab with DAZED so it’s a pretty big project.

You never told me you were involved in a collab with DAZED.

I was gonna tell you today.

He has been pretty busy recently, maybe slipped his mind. Anyway, thank you so much for the donuts and I’ll hope to see you at the pier this Saturday, mm?

Yeah, sure. Thanks Chels.

No problem! It was so nice to meet you, y/n, I’ll see you Saturday!

Okay, bye!

Bye, Chelsea! It was nice to meet you!

Bye!

...

Sweet, why didn’t you tell me you were coming?

I wanted it to be a surprise. I thought you said you’d end pretty late?

The filming was cut short because the shots were better than expected so we ended early.

Oh, I wanted to film you while you were at work.

You have that on?

Yeah- why?

No, just wondering. 

Are you uncomfortable?

No, no, it’s just... I really didn’t expect you to come to the studio. 

...

[REC: MAY 11, 2019 - 11:12PM] SOLO LOG #12

It’s 11:12pm, 11th May, 2019. 11 days to departure.

...

I... saw... Chelsea and Eric... um, out by the garage- 

...

Well, I guess... it looked like they were just... having a really good talk. Or something. 

...

I left. I couldn’t watch it. So, I left without telling Eric. I did tell his boss that I wasn’t feeling well and I had to leave first. 

...

I guess this is the part where I regret it, isn’t it? Um... I don’t know... how... I’m gonna explain this to him when I see him again. Which is supposed to be- um- the rest of the night. I was supposed to go back to his place with him and I’ll stay for the weekend before I come back to pack my things, so-

...

y/n, are you home?

...

shit.

y/n, I know you’re home. I heard you talking. Open the door, I need to talk to you.

...

[REC: MAY 12, 2019 - 2:00AM] SOLO LOG #13

...

I look like shit, don’t I? God, my eyes hurt like a bitch. 

...

I don’t think I need to say what just happened for you to guess what just happened, right? This... says it all. 

...

Fuck. 

...

I shouldn’t have come here. How did- How did my retreat turn out- turn out like this? 

...

This is- This is too much. Too much in too short... of a time. 

...

I don’t think... I don’t think I can do it. Not anymore. 

...

[REC: MAY 19, 2019 - 9:59AM] SOLO LOG #14

It’s May 19th, 2019, almost 10am. I just came back from a morning walk by the beach just to... reminisce a little before I leave on Wednesday. 

...

I... haven’t seen Eric since the prep-party. I blocked him and I told him not to come over, though I think he has, like, a few times. I thought I heard someone come up to my door, but he never knocked. 

...

So, this is how it ends, huh? A 50-day romance cut short like that. Into about, 40? 

...

It’s crazy to think that I had... the experience of a whole relationship in 40 days. I definitely did not sign up for that when I booked this 50-day retreat. 

...

It was fun while it lasted, though. It was. I don’t think I’d find anybody else like Eric, and I guess it just sucks that it had to end like that. Things happen, right? That aren’t... in our control. 

...

...

...

[REC: MAY 21, 2019 - 8:07PM] SOLO LOG #15

May 21st. About 8pm. I leave in about 15 hours. 

...

All my stuff’s packed. Definitely more things to bring home than I brought here. Half of these things were bought by Eric and given to me. I’m... actually not sure if I should bring them back. 

...

I don’t- I just don’t think I’d have the heart to throw them away.

...

Nor look at them when I’m home. 

...

Should I even bring this camera home? Maybe I should wipe your memory before I bring you home, hmm?

...

It feels like a dream, doesn’t it? Everything that’s happened. It feels like a fever dream. Maybe when I’m finally home, I’d wake up and it’d be the day I come here.

...

Maybe.

...

[REC: MAY 22, 2019 - 10:03AM] SOLO LOG #16

-ny more luggage?

Nope.

Alright then, I think you’re all set. You still have about an hour’s time before the gates are open so you can get a cup of coffee or something, yeah?

Okay, thank you!

Have a nice flight ma’am.

Thanks.

...

Good evening ma’am, can I check your boarding pass?

Yeah, sure.

...

Okay, you’re good to go. Have a safe flight.

Thank you!

...

[REC: MAY 22, 2019 - 11:34AM] SOLO LOG #17

It is about 11.30am and I’m on the flight, and here’s the view outside. Sky’s pretty clear and this thing says that the weather’s great so, it should be a smooth flight without turbulence.

...

This is it. This is really it. 

...

...

...

Um-

Hi, ma’am, I’m gonna need you to keep your camcorder.

Oh! Yeah, sure, sure, sorry!

[REC: APRIL 2, 2020 - 12:48AM] ERIC LOG #1

Wow, this is... weird. How did you do this last year?

...

Um, hi. y/n. If you’re watching this then I’ve somehow managed to get this synced into your camera by some weird... bluetooth, iCloud shit that Felix helped me figure out. 

...

It’s been a year. And... I just thought you should... see this, or hear me out, at least. I know we didn’t end on the best terms... and I’m sorry. It was my fault. I shouldn’t have yelled at you for being unreasonable for something that was... suspicious. I should’ve understood. 

...

I should’ve been there. To see you off. And I’m sorry I didn’t. I... was scared, that I wouldn’t be able to let you go if I went to send you off. I was a coward. I still am. 

...

But I do want you to know that... those 50 days were the best days of my life. Albeit it ended horribly, but nothing could... nothing- nothing will ever replace what happened last April. 

...

I said I love you and... I still do. Every day I think about you and your smile and your voice and- and I cry to sleep... worrying that I’d forget how you sound like, or how you laugh and how... how you smell like. My bed smelt like you even after you left. 

...

I just- I love you. And I miss you. And I’d do anything to go back to what we had. I’d do anything to get- to get you back. 

...

I’m sorry.

...

the clip comes to an automatic stop. the white triangle slapped onto the screen, begging you to play it again. you look up from the screen, watching the famous calvin klein ad that hasn’t stopped playing in the last month. 

he hasn’t changed one bit. not his hair, not his smile, not his voice. 

it’s a bittersweet pot of memory stashed in the back of your head when the memories flood back. looking back down at the camera, you count back the days - it was synced just last night. 

the pile of tissues by your thighs are carelessly huddled into the bin next to your feet, mentally berating yourself for going through the memory instead of formatting it. 

you stand, fingers shutting the screen back onto its body with a soft click. the tv blacks out when you press the red button on its remote. 

you’re halfway into your kitchen when there’s a knock at your door, and you immediately gasp, blinking rapidly.

“oh, it’s my fucking projector!”

rushing to the door, you don’t hesitate to get the door open. 

and yet, like the heavens were providing you with all the light to stop you from doubting yourself, your lungs empty themselves like vacuums. 

your heart stops.

your breathing stops.

“eric... what are you doing here?”

[stylemarkings-blog]

How to Style Yourself ♥︎

As an aspiring stylist myself, I am still in the process of deciding for the things that I really want. I also have plans on styling other people and letting me choose outfits for them but before achieving that milestone, I must learn how to dress myself up first before putting my passion onto someone else’s. In this journey of becoming who and what I really am, I’ve learned a few basic necessities and tips on how to style and change your clothing game. I have here five (5) tips and tricks on how to stand out and how to make people turn their heads again to see your outfit for the second time around.

1. Do not get tired of exploring different ways of dressing up until you’ve finally chosen a style that you want. If you really want to change your looks then you should try wearing clothes that you haven’t tried wearing. Wear maxi dresses, chino pants, off shoulders, wide-leg trousers, ambel jeans, turtle-neck sweaters and whatever you want to try that you haven’t yet. There are tons of styles and ways on how to dress yourself up but don’t forget that when you’re just starting your game, you must stick with something that you’ll wear anytime anywhere. 

2. Do not be mindful of those who will judge your look and the way you dress. Trust me, it’s never gonna be easy especially when people around you aren’t fond of you wearing something different. A few people laughed at me because I wore a wide-leg trousers but that didn’t move me but instead, it has motivated me to really pursue becoming unique and not to adjust to what they want to see in me. If they laugh at you, just ignore them. In this game, you really have to master the art of deadma. They will soon realize that your looks are unique and they won’t bother you nor laugh at you the same way again.

3. Ready your pockets, purses and wallets. Just like moving into a new house, buying your new phone and other gadgets, styling yourself is never a cheap thing. It will cost you so much, not just money but also your time. The deciding part alone is really time-consuming. I do not suggest you to buy clothes from known brands because thrift shops are always open to cater you and they also offer beautiful clothes in good conditions but if you have extra money, why not spend some of it in brands like Zara, Uniqlo, H&M, Forever 21 (etc). 

4. Learn from the experts and be inspired with what they do. What should we do to the fire inside the fireplace to cause bigger and brighter flames? We add fuel to it. Just like in this game, you really have to put your effort to achieve your dreams. Learn for other people’s passion and live by it everyday. You can watch fashion vlogs or even live fashion shows, ask professionals and your stylist friends and many more. There’s no building if there’s no foundation and you have to build your own. 

5. When you started your game, don’t ever give up or lose heart in doing it. Of course, money is involved here, you’re gonna spend your time for your decisions, you have to go to different shops BUT always keep in mind that once you started that dream and stepping onto every single step of it, you have to really achieve it. It may seem so far away but I promise you, it’s better to keep moving than don’t move at all.