#also this is a scheduled post i am super asleep rn but feel free 2 message me about any of thse lol

[aberfaeth]

tlt holiday exchange fics!

by me casey aberfaeth (cee some other places, hi) :) this exchange was such a joy to be a part of!!! i really love all the fics i wrote for it, and the collection has some incredible works you should check out!

everything has breath inside

[Harrow/Gideon, Harrow&literally every other character ever, stardew valley au, 20k]

Dearest Harrowhark, If you’re reading this, I believe you are ready for a change.

(or: Harrowhark Nonagesimus moves to Canaan Valley to start afresh. Trouble is, it seems her teenage nemesis had a similar idea.)

whew did this one get away from me!! it was so much fun to write though and im looking forward to writing more of it because of course i didn’t get in all of the jokes i wanted to lol.

read everything has breath inside here!

i don’t need a parachute (if i’ve got you)

[Cam&Pal, leverage/criminals au, 6k]

The night air is cool, charged with pre-storm static. A cloudless black sky blankets the city, peppered with faint stars like bullet holes in drywall. Camilla Hect crouches in the shadows of the elevator equipment room atop the Canaan Museum of Art and Antiquities, shivering slightly in her thin elastic clothes, and snaps the final leg of her tripod grappling hook gun into place.

(or: Cam and Pal commit crimes.)

this was a treat for @junozeta which i actually wrote like. before assignments even went out, that’s how instantly enamored with the concept i was. leverage references, semi-witty repartee, and work friends to real friends abound within! this is also a universe i desperately want to return to because there is just. SO MUCH IT’S SO FUN FOR ME.

read i don’t need a parachute (if i’ve got you) here!

my girl’s a switchblade

[Cam/Pal, Team 69, d&d au, 5.7k]

“Warden,” Camilla calls, shifting her stance. “The double tap?”

(or: Five times Camilla rescues Palamedes, and one time he saves her back.)

this prompt was like the perfect mixture of my two favorite things in the entire universe!!!! this fic is wildly self indulgent nonsense, ten tropes in a trenchcoat plus memes, and was such a delight to write.

read my girl’s a switchblade here!

endless thanks to all the lovely folks who have commented such awesome stuff on these already, and to the rest of you, i hope you enjoy!! <3

[iwannaban0nym0us]

time for a ramblely post about my life because i'm actually really happy rn

so my partner holy shit they're so amazing i don't even know how to explain it but everything they do just proves how incredible they are,, like we haven't said "i love you" to each other but i feel 100x more loved by them they i ever did by my ex who must have told me they loved me at least 100 times

ok btw i have no idea where this post is gonna go it's probably just gonna be a bunch of random thoughts all lumped together

so uh the reason i've been fairly inactive lately is because it's robotics comp season! Our first comp was last weekend meaning that the week leading up to it I was super busy trying to help get all the things to work (they still didn't lol) friday and saturday were insanely long days that were fun but also so tiring

we barely got things working in time on friday to clear inspection and make it to one practice match and then on saturday we had the worst possible schedule (first match of the day, a random match, last match before lunch, then 2 10min turn arounds, and then last match of the day) the most stressful part of the day was when in the last match before lunch we overextended our arm, pulled out all of the electronics, broke the extension spool, and got 25 penalty points. we spent lunch trying to fix all of that and also change out wheels (we didn't have a chance before because of our shit schedule) and also someone thought it would be a good idea to swap intakes but then we had to unswap intakes because the new one was too big and then the two very fast turn arounds after that were hella stressful

we actually ended up wining our last match of the day tho and i'm very proud of that since i took lead on the strategy talk before the match

then sunday we had a better match schedule and won one lost one so we ended quals 39/42 and therefore didn't go to playoffs, and me being the so so smart person that I am decided that since the other goalie was out sick it would be a great idea to go to my soccer game that afternoon (after 2.5 long tiring days of robotics)

And so I did and by the end of the game i felt like i was gonna fall asleep and i don't know how i managed to make several good saves and we only lost 5-0 (2 of their goals were super lucky tho) I am really glad i went since i got to see an ex-teammate and teammate who might quit the team soon for running and i hadn't seen either of them since last season

this week i've had a bit more time and monday i was so so so tired that during my freeblock which i usually use for hw since i have no free time i just hung out w/ my partner and was like half asleep the whole time, me and my partner also skipped an assembly on burnout because we were both too tired (they had a vaulting comp at the same time as my robotics comp) also tuesday i skipped soccer because of the weather so i got a whole afternoon off

over the next 2 weeks i'm only gonna have 5 days of school because we get next wed-fri off for conferences and then i'm at robotics the following thurs-sat which i think is kinda funny

uh anyway shifting gears,,, thursday i had my gender and sexuality class w/ my ex and since the teacher was out we spent the whole time in small groups talking about quotes from our hw reading and I ended up w/ a friend and my ex and ofc my ex felt the need to read out each of the quotes which normally would be like whatever but for some reason that day i just could not deal w/ their voice or their strong opinions on stupid things

there was one point where their voice had gotten to me so much that i just kinda zoned out and then they had the audacity to ask me if I was ok and that threw me for a fucking loop because when we were dating the only time they would notice something was off was when i was tired not when something was actually going on, like the day where they caused me to have a mental breakdown i was very clearly not ok that afternoon and they didn't say a single thing despite us having class together and so for them to say something now despite me having made it clear we're not friends ??????????

also i was in this state where I was torn between why does their voice still hurt me so fucking much and why don't i hate them more they did some really shitty things to me and i'm just so confused how i can feel both of those things about them and aaaa i just want them to go away

ok this has gotten long enough and i have some things i need to do so i'll probably reblog this later to talk about yesterday :)

[conflictedrabbit]

2* the AvPD

Conversation w/ my friend I mentioned earlier. With their name / identifying characteristics edited out and some chopping here and there. 

___: 

I made a post abt avod once tho and it got like A few rbs and I thought "if this isn't irony idk what is" Trje

66ccff: ekjal;kdjd;

___: 

me: why do, so many avoidants want to pay for being alive avpd Tumblr: hm . I relate

66ccff: ekleja;ejdl;k

___: me: I'm glad to know people relate but are we fucking ok

66ccff: 

LOL i mean mood tbh

___: HINESTLT like I noticed i do it cuz of you NFBNSBDKSBDKSS

66ccff: though do you mean pay as in like. pay the medical system or pay as in guilt

___: Guilt

66ccff: 

kejk;ldj;L yes ok that is definitely me me: i breathed 5 gallons of air within 3 hours i am so sorry world

___:

me: [realizes it's not entirely religious trauma and also probably just Guilt over taking up space and needing to help ppl otherwise Why Live?} 

Oh god me

66ccff: (this is not even ironic i get like this multiple times a week)

___: 

hdjhdjsd I've been having a bad ep lately actually and like I think I failed to look 5-6 people in the eyes today CUZ IM JUST [WALKS AROHND] WOW . TERRIBLE

66ccff: 

omg it's ok i nearly cried in class today b/c i didn't have a good eng translation for this jp sentence

i was like.... no.... don't....

i stabilized cuz the teacher went on a tangent for a second but like forcing myself to look in his eyes and act normal was so hard i looked away so many times i wa slike. oog my god. end m i love it when walking around where there's other people makes me really nervous and irritable agoraphobia is great!

___: 

GOD yea It's so awkward for me I'm fine if I have a safe person or I'm walking to class but like

66ccff: i came back from class today and took a 6 hr nap cuz of my shame and agoraphobia

___: 

Rip Wish I could do that...

66ccff: well i haven't done my homework so

___: 

I just. Cry a lot NDKSJDJDNSKDNS rip me: I'm strong Me: spent the last 5 days like crying over nothing

66ccff: 

dkjle;ajd i mean... i used to cry but then i got mad at myself for crying so now i just Repress (tm) and sleep and then. the joke is that sometimes it doesn't work self harms... oops... that didn't work either better nap again

___: 

zz Pillows keep u safe Idk what I've been doing lately but I thought I was getting better til I realized I was like Abstaining from feeding myself BFBJSBFSJJFD

66ccff: o h my god

___: 

And I was like "oh fuck I'm a terrible person bc someone told me I should eat and j Didn't Do It I Failed Them"

66ccff: 

ahahahahaahahaha i thought i was getting better too but it was actually because i was just forcing myself to study to give myself an illusion of doing my part and then i went to school and my actual performance is like bad b/c i avoid so many activities that would make me better and i just

___: samd

66ccff: 

Wow i want to die!

___: 

hdjsjdjs

I think I only managed to eat cuz my brother was expecting me to

66ccff: tavpdfw you want to be punished constantly so you don't have to have anxiety about existing

___: 

Cuz he bought me dinner like 6 hours ago but I didn't touch it til now BFJDJD MEEEEE

66ccff: dkja;eljd;

___: 

GOD me: ah I feel good today Me like 3 hours later: oh my God I shouldn't feel good abt myself that's so Selfish ? I am trash

66ccff: oh Mood

___: Avpd solidarity

66ccff: 

honestly i love my environmental soicology class but liek it talks about how we're all consuming and putting things back into the environment

___: Idk how I manage to have avpd and __pd but that's how it is on ths bitch of an earth

66ccff: and i was literally contemplating if death was the only way to take myself out from the cycle

___: 

Me Bhhjsfjd

66ccff: 

i was like holy shit. it's not just consumption i forgot i also put bad gases into the air with everything i breathe i am Bad

___: 

All day today I was hearing abt what happened in Vegas and we were like. Talking in my apologetics class abt the Nature of Evil

66ccff: the true environmentalist take is death

___: And I was just thinking "why must I, exist if all I am is bad"

66ccff: 

oh my god same! i looked over my abt page and i was like this looks fake tumblerina

___: 

apologetics: so mankind is basically evil Me: great! I'll die so there's less evil in the world

66ccff: 

me ME

MEMEMMEMEMEMMEMEMEMEME

___: HHDHSBDJSHD

66ccff: 

sometimes i have fantasies of like going backwards and apologizing to everyone i've ever talked to and to everyone who ever had to work to produce what i've consumed

___: 

M. E

m

66ccff: 

and then hoping that they forget about me and then like disappearing forever i jsut can't see how some people can be like oh yeah factories in china and mexico earn less than 2 dollars an hour to make our stuff and not jus twant to kill themselves

___: 

I'm just pathetic and compulsive if I feel bad about stuff I apologize til like 2 weeks after God. Yea

66ccff: 

the joke is that people hate if you overapologize so you jsut damned if you do damned if you dont :upside_down:

___:

me: uh sorry for being sad People: don't apologize for that Me: Avpd:.  They are mad that I am apologizing also that I am sad Hhhfjjejd

Me: 

ME WKJD;LKD "can you stop saying sorry" "sorry"

___: 

me: oh God I'm so miserable Someone: oh im sorry Me: I wish I could accept this but Pity is too much for a lowly worm like me

66ccff: "what did i just say"

___: MMSNDNBHHHHHHGGGGG

66ccff: 

:smile: :gun:

MOOD

___: avpd feel when you don't deserve to be pitied ?

66ccff: pity is too much kindness ___: 

God yea

LIKE probably just a conflicted feel but I prefer ppl being active than pitying me but then I'm like

"that's selfish I don't deserve that ?"

66ccff: 

someone tells you to watch where you're going feel like you're unable to go outside for the rest of the day

___: 

m. mebdbdhdhdjs

66ccff: oh yeah the joke is that i want people to like. be kind to me but also i don't

___: hell brain

66ccff: so i can't say what i want

___: GGG YEAH

66ccff: 

be kind to me except don't because i'll feel invalid either way so maybe just don't talk to me >feels worse anyway

___: 

Hhhhhhhhhhh me Me: talk to me ? But I don't know what to talk abt ? But I am also not good enough for pity you could just sit there maybe But then the presence of another person will overwhlem me and I'll go cry again/s

66ccff: feel free to entertain yourself, and forget about me, ___: 

Mebdndmdkskdjsja god [looks at all cluster c disorders] you are all bitches and I hate tou

66ccff: 

tavpdfw u gotta depersonalize to make it through the day of talking to other people and acting like ur a normal human bean MOOD

___: GOD yea

66ccff: 

i have a question though if im depersonalizing why do i still feel terrible even if i feel ilke im fake smh

___: God me

66ccff: 

me: i'm not real so heres me acting like i am chill and cool person that is interesting maybe or maybe not me, inside: this sucks and i hate this but im not real so it shouldnt affect me but damn i hate this when u feel separate from your auto-pilot but you still experience all the shame you would without it :thinking: avpd is stupid and contradictory and evolutionarily useless

___: 

__pd isnkind of the same but like if you manage it well you can get stuff done but you still breakdown over the TINIEST DETAIL I hate it And I waste more time thinking abt what I'm gonna do and not actully DOING MT SHIT

66ccff: cripes

___: LIKE A NORMAL PERSON

66ccff:

me in high school UGH i'm ahving that problem right now dude in high school i used to just waste my days reading manga and thnking i should do my homeworka

___: 

me: I'll spend this hour scheduling [2hours later] Me: [stressed nbdjdjjsjdjsjdks

66ccff: and then i'd like. start at 10pm and fuck myself over ___: rip 66ccff: have a crying session at 4am every time an essay is due the next day ___: I actually didn't do one of my assignments tonight 66ccff: bad coping habits ___: Rip me I got discouraged over something lame JFJSNFKSNFD 66ccff: oh mood

___:

relationship issues: occur Me: well, I can't, do anything ever again

66ccff: 

i shouldn't even be discouraged abt my classes bc i'm here to learn and i'm just like. i know nothing i deserve to die kejd;kakejd friend, disagrees with you on something you feel unsure about: WELL I GUESS I AM BAD AND THEY HATE ME NOW time to ghost them

___: 

me: [perceives someone not caring for me] me: and Now...what is Mine Purpose...what do I live for...my Friends....have all abandoned m MEEEEEE avpd sounds super dramatic when you separate it from yourself but like In the moment I'm always just [jdut starts Fucking Crying

66ccff: 

i just want to manage to some kind of social work, give my wealth to some impoverished family, and then kms before 30

yeah my therapists in the past are like why... so soon

___: Jfjdjfjdf 66ccff: and i'm just like "why not i need to minimize all my ills on the world and also on the emotions of my family" ___: That reminds me of like. One of my mutuals talking abt how early he sleeps and he was just 66ccff: this is the optimal time look my life plan

___: 

"why be awake longer than necessary"

Hdhdhfjsjfdjdjdband. I was just . Me

66ccff:

because you hate yourself too much sleep :^)

___: 

God yea That's true. Me rn

I should've been asleep like an hour ago but [plays secret of Mana and then mopes]

66ccff:

dude i used to have bouts of insomnia b4 i got drugs that knock me out (and help me w/ anxiety) like.... i would lay awake and every second of being awake was just making the situation worse

___: I feel like I should get meds to balance out my bipolar eps but

66ccff: but then i couldn't sleep anyway so it was a damned situation ___: my parents r so anti meds 66ccff: rrghbh

___: 

also like Internalized ableism That I don't Needthem and So Many people don't need them

66ccff: oh yeah, why do my essay when i can read an hour of garbage romo manga and feel slightly less bad during that time and then hate myself more

___: 

So I Can do it cuz I'm like Everyone Else and not like Those "crazy" people Rifp

66ccff: 

man i don't wanna encourage meds if your side effects r bad but honestly how did i get the fuck through high school other than triggering intense anxiety about all assignments

like... i was so nonfunctional i shouldn't have even been in school

.....

66ccff: 

all accessibility problems are solvable humans are so bad

___: caring ? About others ? What a concept 66ccff: except sometimes they are good but that is definitely not me

___: 

Me

Ok I try to overcompensate w good to make up for inherent badness THANKS RELIGION

66ccff: 

the US is like: here's a pricetag for your life pay up

___: AAAA

66ccff: 

yeah i can see how christainity wouldn't help there w/ the "original sin" and stuff that doesn't quite exist in other abrahamic religions iirc judaism doesn't even have hell

___:  it's really weird

66ccff: 

i'm guessing its bc of jesus like.... y'all binches killed him so now this is life - christainity

___: 

Like. Christianity makes the most sense to me probably cuz I grew up w it but fuck Man

66ccff:  o yeah i grew up w/ some christianity too ___: It's FUCKED!!!!!! 66ccff:  i actually have agoraphobia issues w/ going inside of churches ___: Oh same 66ccff:  :^) ___: I'm actually fairly anti-church just because the current state of them is very bsd 66ccff:  oh yeah

....

66ccff: 

how can someone like me, who is literally not deserving of life, raise someone else

scrumbles

___:

Me Hdjehdsk

66ccff:  ___ we are so fucked ___: 

It's true Life is fucked We, are fucked

66ccff: existence is violence

[justalittlemango]

Entry #20 - 09/03/2020

Well, after a bit of a misunderstanding that last post was a bit dramatic! I guess to update, my bf and I are perfectly fine, probably better if anything as a result of that. We’re still together. On the night where we decided to take a break, there was a big error in communication which got clarified the morning after, which took a different turn of events thereafter.

So yes, that is all fine and dandy now! Stressing over nothing as per usual. Anyway, whats been up in my life? Well, it’s currently 2am now entering the Monday, and I’m at my parents house still. It feels weird to say I’m going to be at a lecture tomorrow, but I’m still at home 80 miles away! Crazy right?

We was meant to go back to Chelt today, however, all of us got up pretty late lol, which is pretty typical of my family honestly. Especially me, I’m always getting up late. Mornings practically don’t exist for me unless they’re the super early mornings! So yes, we will be going in about 12 hours or so instead so wahoo. I’m quite looking forward to being back, though I have enjoyed my 8 days back here in Birmingham, it’s nice. I feel rather stress-free when I’m here.

So yesterday I was out with a friend from school just because otherwise I would not have left the house all week! but yes, I met up with him and went to the pub for a drink. He was very drunk safe to say, and was a little uh, well, a little close for comfort. He is a horny bastard. Luckily I can keep stalling and never have to fall into that trap lol.

Still, it was nice to be out and seeing a friend. I would’ve gone out more but my sleep schedule this week has been catastrophic. I might be able to fix it tonight by sleeping late and waking up early, giving me only like 5 hours of sleep or so. Meaning I will fall asleep earlier in the day! just in time for the uni week to start! 

I also did my own hair today. I was quite proud of myself, because I also expected that to look rather catastrophic! however, I did quite a splendid job. No idea why I turned so posho there. Watching a lot of YouTube, playing a lot of Splatoon and chilling with my parents in the evenings is typically how I spent my days here. Quite nice and chill.

However, past couple days I have been worrying about money. As a student, I’m really fucking bad with money as I don’t really get much at all. I have been lucky to have my bf who has been helping me pay my way with like food shopping and bills, and that’s pretty much all I’ve been spending money on honestly.. I don’t think I will be taking the bus to uni for the rest of the semester as I can’t really afford it now, and I’m glad I was able to do my haircut myself and saved myself £15 there, yay!

But I’ve been worrying, stressing and not being able to sleep because I can’t stop thinking about freakin money dude. Like, I am on a £2000 overdraft, that my bank is expecting me to pay back (by £500 each year until I’m clear starting from August) - this is because they think I have graduated! I have not graduated! It is because my first uni attempt in 2016, and I would’ve graduated by now but no! I am in my first year again so I really need to speak to my bank about getting that sorted. If they can put me back on a student account and change me to a graduate account when I actually graduate, then that would be a huge sigh of relief for me. However, not giving up my hopes too much.

I tried looking up “work from home” jobs which of course give you results that sound too good to be true, and honestly, if it seems too good to be true, then it is. I signed up for this site that I guess gathers like offers and rewards for people, and if you do like 20 of them then you’ll get paid. You get paid like £60 or so. However, there’s a pretty big catch on it. Some offers require you to have a 7-day trial, completely free, and then the site will give you £5 as a reward. Sounds good right? Nope! Not until you realise that you won’t get the reward until you complete the full trial, where you will then be charged the normal price for the service, which actually ends up being more expensive than the freakin reward!! So yeah, you are losing out on money. I am glad I didn’t invest much in this site. I knew it was a little sketchy but now it’s clearer. Sneaky. This is why y’all should read T&C’s on these dodgy ass sites!!

So I thought I could get a small amount of money from that, but I think I give up with it. In all fairness, I don’t know why I’m stressing about money anyway since as a student there’s really not much I can do rn. Especially at this time of year where I’ve almost finished the year. I’m 2 months away from finishing and then back in Bham for like 3-4 months. I better hope I can find some part time job during the summer so I can at least have some kind of money.

My main reason why I am trying to save so much is not because of the overdraft debt, I mean, it will be if they cannot change my bank account back to student, but it’s mainly for going to Canada (if it even happens) I need to save like £1400. It seems pretty far off. And it is. So I am highly doubting that I will be going there at this point now. Even with the cheaper rent next year, it’s only cheaper for the 2 terms so I’m still really not getting that much. Sad!

That’s pretty much what’s been going on with my life. Seems like even back at home I can’t stop stressing about stupid shiet! However, I think I am just going to accept that there really is nothing for me to do. I gotta wait til summer. Maybe if I can save some money from my birthday perhaps? Who knows! 

-mangie