#also this is what this is btw. this is two nonned binary robots talking abt gender dysphoria and bodies

[suite43]

36 or 39 for Starbee? 💋

39: kissing for comfort

Starscream sighed, chin in one hand as he swiped around a row of holograms in front of him, musing about this or that detail as he went.

It was time for something new. He hadn't quite come up with an actual excuse nor explanation for when Bee asked why, but he could worry about that later. A small voice in the back of his head muttered just tell him the truth, but frankly, Starscream didn't feel in the mood for the little yellow mech telling him about how he just needed to accept himself, or how he was perfect just the way he was, or whatever other scrap someone like Bumblebee would say. It didn't help that he was forged. He didn't get it.

Besides, how could Starscream tell him that the reason he was rebuilding his frame, again, was because Bee had framed a photo of the two of them and left it on his desk with a bow and a note with a heart on it. It was a sweet gift, it was, and Bee looked so happy in the picture. But Starscream couldn't stand to look at himself.

He didn't think he was particularly bad looking. Most of the time, at least. Sure, he could obsess over this and that until the sun came up, but the frame wasn't ugly, it was fine, it just... It wasn't him. He didn't look at it and feel himself, but he knew, logically, that it was him, and that was uncomfortable. It made him almost nauseous to have to try and deal with that, with it being him and not him at the same time.

It would be the same if he got a new frame. He already knew that. If he talked to Bumblebee, that was probably what he would say. It's not going to make you happy, Star. You're not going to be able to just fix this so easily. Starscream hated it. Bee was right and he hated it.

Because the truth was that Starscream had never recognized himself. Even looking at the image of the frame Windblade had said was his true form, he didn't see himself. Whoever that Starscream was, it wasn't him. He didn't know what he was, he didn't know what he wanted, and right now he just never wanted to have to look at any face that was and wasn't his ever again.

Maybe he'd just cut himself out of the picture. Maybe he'd replace it with one of just Bee, or Bee and Thundercracker. Maybe he'd cover himself with the adorable, annoying little sticky notes Bee left around the apartment that said things like don't forget to eat and wheeljack's coming over at 7:00 and remember that i love you!

He looked at the picture, winced, and looked back at the row of potential new frames, none of them right and none of them him, and he groaned and slammed his face on the desk, burying his head in his arms.

He wasn't really sure how long he stayed like that, but at some point he suddenly realized there was a hand on his arm and a soft voice whispering his name.

"Hey, Bee," he muttered, voice muffled by his arms, refusing to look up.

"Are you alright, Star?"

"M'fine."

"Are you sure?"

"Mhm," he said, shoving off Bee's hand. Bee didn't try to put it back, but Star felt a slight pang of hurt coming from him as his field winced inwards. "Fine."

"Planning on getting a new frame?" he asked carefully.

"Thinking about it," Star replied, looking up to glare at the row of holograms. "None of these, though. They're no good."

"Why not?" Bee asked.

"They just aren't." It was silent for a moment.

"Star, do you want me to leave you alone?" Bee asked. Starscream paused. He wasn't sure what he wanted. But Bumblebee, perfect, patient Bumblebee, didn't push. He waited. Starscream hated it.

"I... no," he decided. Every part of his brain was telling him to scream and yell and throw shit until too good too nice perfectly patient Bumblebee got the hell out of his life forever. Starscream had learned that he ought to ignore that part. Didn't mean it wasn't hard to.

"Okay... Do you want to tell me what's wrong, or do you want to talk about something else?" There wasn't any judgement in it. It was just a question, just an offer. No strings attatched. "I'm here, Starscream, for whatever you need."

"It's not... me. It's never me. No matter what I do I've never felt at home in my own body. But I don't know what else to do."

"Then why try?"

"Wh. what?" That... wasn't what Starscream had been expecting. "Are you seriously telling me to just give up?"

"No, I just mean, like. Maybe your body isn't ever gonna feel like you, but why does it have to? You change frames so much anyways, so it's not like any one is what you're stuck with forever. Why not just try to make it something you like instead of chasing after some nebulous sense of identity?" Bee shruged. "Maybe I'm way off base, but for me, I just. I've never felt like this," he gestured vaguely to his frame, "is who I am? It's a part of me, sure, but it's not most of me. When I think about who I am, I don't define it by, I dunno, how tall I am or what colour I wear right now. I just do what I enjoy, and the rest of what makes me, the important stuff, y'know, our personalities and the way we act and who we think we are, that stuff comes through no matter what."

"Where do you draw the line between 'thing you enjoy' and 'personality trait'?" Starscream asked.

"I dunno. That's part of what I mean, though. If you just do what you enjoy, it's going to look more like a reflection of who you are. Even if it never really feels that way from the inside, at least you'll have something you're proud to look at," Bee gestured to where Star had turned the picture frame backwards so he didn't have to see it.

"Hm. Worth a shot, I suppose," he shrugged. "I've... not thought about it that way before."

"I know, dork. You've never done anything just for fun, ever, in your miserable life," Bee said, teasing, pressing a quick kiss to the top of his head, and Starscream smiled despite himself.

"And I suppose the life of Bumblebee has just been one big laugh riot?"

"You've met my friends, right? I couldn't avoid a good time even if I wanted to. Believe me, I've tried."

"Fair enough," Starscream sighed, looking back up at the holograms, dissipating them with a wave of his hand before pulling up a row of new options. "Help me pick?" He offered.

"Ooh, sure, scoot over!"

"Mmm, no, I don't think I will," Starscream said, instead scooping Bumblebee up and settling the smaller yellow mech in his lap, resting his head on Bee's shoulder. Bee laughed and pressed a kiss to Star's cheek before turning his attention to the variety of ideas Starscream had cooked up for new frames, muttering on about this and that.

"What about this one? I like the wings."

"Are you kidding? They're huge."

"Aw, but they look like a butterfly or something. We could match!" Bee twitched one doorwing where it was pressed between Star's chest and his own back. Starscream kissed along the top edge without really thinking about it, just enjoying having Bumblebee close, his weight and the warmth of his plating a grounding presence, giving Starscream something to focus on other than the droning thrum of discomfort running through the back of his mind.

"No, I'd be walking into doorframes for weeks. Besides, look at this one..."