#alternatively. and hear me out. one of his speaker parents says it at the picnic but it's warped beyond recognition.

[jonathanrook]

Ahhh ok, I figured that was probably the case. You're likely right, re it being hidden somewhere now maybe defunct, or at least somewhere where *no-one* would suspect. The *only* thing I've managed to find that was said about it was "it was stupid, the way we hid it." - implying that it's either hidden somewhere SO secretive/silly that it'll never ever be discovered, *or* (less likely, but possible) that it's been staring us right in the face the entire time, *but* no-one will ever notice. Unfortunate that it might never be found, it'll continue to bother me in the back of my mind for years to come lol! Thanks so much for answering anyway! 😊💜

honestly i wouldn't be surprised if he's just. said it in the show but it's disguised as run of the mill dubstep-speak.

[hms-chill]

The Long Way

A nice fun Liam/Spencer fic, because these boys deserve the world.

Summary: (Alternately titled “SOMEONE GIVE LIAM A HUG” or “Stronk Farm Boyfriends”)Liam’s just finishing up vet school, and he’s a month shy of achieving the thing he’s been working for since he was a kid. When he gets called out to a farm to witness a calf birth and notices something wrong, under-researched, and curable, it’s the perfect thing to treat and document so he can write a paper that will jump-start his career. Of course, the fact that the calf is owned by a cute dairy farmer doesn’t hurt, either.

Chapter one // Chapter two // Chapter 3 // On AO3

Chapter 4

Liam spends next day at his own apartment for once, and it’s entirely dedicated to a study session. It's nice enough that he can open a window to alleviate some of the weed smell from his neighbors, and he's at the table he's using as a desk, surrounded by class notes and second-hand NAVLE practice books while he boils water for ramen. The test is a week away, so he’s spent the day holed up with his work, trying to force his brain to pay attention to studying with only half an Adderall, two cups of cheap coffee, and last night’s ramen as fuel.

It's not going particularly well.

He can’t do this. For some reason, the thing that his brain has decided to latch onto is that simple, solid fact that he can’t do it. He’s going to have wasted the past for years of his life, amassing loads of debt and loads of stress, all for nothing. Because he’s going to fail. He's going to fail this exam, and there’s no way he’ll be able to retake it, and he’s going to have lost everything and made a mess of his life. It’ll all have been a waste, because he can’t pass this exam, and—

His phone buzzes with a text, and as much as he would have cursed the distraction at another time, he finds a moment to bless the fact that his brain refuses to have any sort of attention span on its own.

It's Spencer. How's studying? Need a cookie break?

His cheeks are wet, and he realizes he's crying. He's not sure when that happened. His phone buzzes again.

 Made chocolate chip with my mom's recipe. I could bring them and just drop them off, or quiz you? Or leave you alone if you'd rather

 Last text but my parents dropped off some early veggies from their garden and I can’t eat them all do you want some? Beans, peas…

 Okay actual last text so I stop bothering you but you’re smart and you’re going to do great

Liam swallows hard, then picks up the phone and calls Spencer. He tells himself it’s just because it’ll be faster than typing out a response, and he’ll be more likely to stay focused on it, but really, he just wants to hear another human. Spencer picks up on the second ring.

“Hey, how’s studying going?”

Liam’s brain empties completely at the sound of Spencer’s voice. He manages a sound somewhere between a groan and a sigh, and Spencer’s tone changes from his peppy greeting to something more comforting.

“I’ve got cookies and zucchini bread and more peas than I could eat in a lifetime. Where can I meet you? Your apartment?”

Liam looks around the apartment, already shaking his head. He can’t let Spencer see this. Spencer, with his perfect farmhouse and his perfect, beautiful ranch, can’t see the stacked boxes stuffed with clothes serving as a dresser or the mattress on the floor. He can’t see the empty kitchen drawers or the old t-shirt Liam uses as a dish towel, or the ramen on the stove, and he definitely can’t see the way everything in the apartment is still half-packed despite Liam having lived there for almost a year. He can't see the constant state of waiting to leave that Liam lives in.

“No. No, not… not here.”

“Okay. Hey, it’s okay. What about a… a park or something? It’s nice out, and getting outside in the fresh air and sun would probably be good for you. Is there a park by you where we could meet?”

“Yeah. You… do you know Quail Creek Park? By the YMCA?”

“I can look it up and meet you there. Do you want to keep talking for a bit?”

“Please?” He hates how pathetic he sounds, but Spencer doesn’t seem to care.

“Okay. We’ll keep talking while you get ready to come meet me. Annie says hi. She was out playing with some of the other calves today, I mean really playing with them; I took a video I’ll have to show you. You’ll be so proud of her. And my mamma says hi, too, and thanks you for taking care of morning chores…” he talks, and Liam puts him on speaker, then just closes his eyes and makes himself breathe for a bit before he has to get to turning off the stove and packing up his books. Somehow, with Spencer’s voice as his soundtrack, he feels like he can really breathe for the first time all day. Being out there every night while Spencer was sick spoiled him, is all; he misses the outdoors and the company. When he feels like he has some semblance of control over his emotional state, he moves to get ready, turning off the stove and filling his bag with books, then staring at the meds on the corner of the table he uses as a desk. There are three pills left, and he gets paid on Friday. He puts it in his bag, though he promises himself he won’t take one unless he really, really needs it.

Eventually, he can actually pick up the phone again and start listening to Spencer talk about his day. When he hits a bit of a break, Liam jumps in with, “I’m… I’m going to be honest, I haven’t really been listening to anything you said, but thank you. I… it was good to hear another voice; I’m on my way to the park now.”

“That’s alright; I’m glad I could help. I’ll meet you at the park. Want me to stay on?”

“No; I’m okay. Thank you. Really, thank you. This means a lot.”

“Of course. I’ll meet you at the park soon.” He lets Liam be the one to hang up, and Liam tries not to feel anything about that as he takes his bag and keys to the car. It’s a quick drive to the park, and when he gets there, Spencer’s truck is in the parking lot. He wonders how long Spencer’s been there and realizes he has no idea how long it took him to calm down, but he doesn’t have time to ask or dwell on that. As soon as he’s out of the car, Spencer’s there to give him a hug and lead him toward a picnic table, and Liam just follows him automatically.

“Alright. I brought dinner, since I’m not sure you’ve eaten, and then I’ve got a whole care package my parents put together to thank you, plus some stuff from me, also as a thank you for last week. What you did for us… it was huge. It… hey, no, it’s not a big deal. I mean, your help was, but these care packages aren’t anything big. It’s fine.”

“Sorry,” Liam mumbles, trying to get rid of the tears prickling at his eyes before Spencer can make a whole thing of it. “Sorry, it’s just been a day. A whole, long, frustrating day.”

“Want to tell me? You let me ramble about my day; I could return the favor.”

“It’s fine. I’ll be fine. I just… I was supposed to get a prescription filled, but shit happened, so I’ve been on a half dose to make it last and it’s a bitch.”

“What happened? Was it something with the pharmacy, or your doctor…”

“No, it’s… it’s there, I just… it’s expensive.” Liam’s whole face is red, and he can feel Spencer looking at him, but he can’t tear his eyes off the table in front of him.

“Let me get it. Or at least help? You stocked my whole medicine cabinet last week, let me--”

“No, I can’t ask you to do that. You brought me all this food, I--”

“You’re not asking me to do it. I’m asking. I want to help you out. You’ve been feeding me and doing my chores and filling my fridge basically all week, not to mention everything you did for Annie and wouldn’t let me pay you for. Let me do this. Please. It’s what Bell would want.” At the mention of Bell, Liam feels his shoulders slump as any resilience or fight drains out of him in a breath. Spencer’s right. Bell wouldn’t want him to deal with this, wouldn’t want him as worn out as he is. She’d make him take his meds, and she’d want him to be able to accept help.

“It’s… it’s not even that much; I just… I’m in a tight spot with NAVLE fees and stuff. I’ll pay you back, I swear,” Liam says. He manages to look up, and Spencer’s smiling, not with the smile of someone who just won an argument, but with the smile of someone who wants to help.

“Is the pharmacy you go to nearby?”

“Yeah, it’s… we should be able to walk there. The H-E-B a few blocks away has one I go to.”

“Okay. Let’s get this stuff back in the cars, then we’ll go pick it up and come back for a picnic and either a study session or a break, whichever you need.”

“Thank you.” Liam’s still pretty sure his face is bright red, but Spencer hasn’t said anything about it.

“Of course. Come on; let’s get you your meds. Plus, you want to see that video of Annie with the other calves? We can watch it while we wait for them to get things together. It’s not that long, but you know. It’s something to do, and to look forward to.”

“Thank you.” He’s not sure what else to say as Spencer moves two surprisingly full care packages into his little, beat-up car. His brain focuses on them for just long enough to remind him that these might be the first care packages he’s ever gotten before it slips back into its half-focused self-pity as Liam leads the way to the pharmacy. Spencer follows him, and they’re quiet for a block.

“There’s nothing to be embarrassed about,” Spencer says at the light. “Medicine’s expensive, and you’ve been busy helping me, not to mention all the work you’ve been doing with Annie and for the NAVLE. And I... I wish you hadn’t had to go a day without them, but I’m glad I get a chance to help you back.”

Liam can’t find any words in his muddled brain, but he can tell his face is red. He hates everything about this. He hates that he needs help, and that he can’t even pay for his own meds, but he can’t study for a job that will pay for meds until he gets them. He hates that his brain needs help to do something as simple as paying attention, and he hates that he’s going to fail the NAVLE and have wasted everything, and he’s never going to be able to help or pay Spencer back. They don’t even know each other, not really; he’d just showed up at Spencer’s house for a cow birth and now Spencer has to help him. And he hates it. He hates being broke, and he hates needing help, and he hates that he’s going to be broke and helpless forever.

“Liam? What… what is it? Do you want to talk about it?” Spencer’s voice is so gentle it shocks him. The next thing he processes is the wetness on his cheeks, and that he’s crying. Of course the one thing his brain would decide is worth focusing on today is something that will make him cry on the sidewalk.

“I’m going to fail,” he mumbles, and Spencer wraps him in a hug. Liam can feel Spencer shaking his head, and he tries to fight it, but he’s crying in the middle of the sidewalk, being held by a man he barely knows. “I’m going to fail, and I’ll never be able to retake it; I’ll never be good enough to get what I want. I’m… I’m going to be a broke, helpless failure forever, and if this embarrassment doesn’t kill me, student loan debt will.”

“Shh, shh, it’s okay. You’re not going to fail, but even if you do, that doesn’t make you a failure,” Spencer tells him, rubbing his back. “You are so much more than however this test turns out.”

“I… I am going to. To fail, I mean. More than 20% of people who took it last year failed; that’s one in five, and you know they all had the right prep books and could pay for things like practice tests and multiple takes. I don’t have any of that. I’m… I’m going to fail.”

“Well, if over twenty percent failed, then that means eighty percent of people got it. Don’t check my math on that; I’m a can’t-do-math gay.” That gets a bit of a chuckle out of Liam, and Spencer goes back to the voice he uses to soothe the cows when it rains too hard. “You’re going to do well. You’ve done great on all the practice tests we’ve done, and you’ve worked so hard. And if you don’t pass it, you’ll come work on the farm with me. We’ll get you an unofficial vet job until you can retake it or figure something out.”

“I… I can’t afford to retake it, but maybe… when I fail, I’d… I’d like that. I’m sorry. I’ll be better once I’m not in withdrawal, but knowing why I’m feeling all… ugh doesn’t help me feel less ugh.”

“You have nothing to be sorry for. There’s no shame in feeling ugh; I felt ugh all last week.”

“Yeah, but that’s not your fault. If I had my shit more together--”

“This isn’t your fault, either. You’ve been taking care of me, now let me take care of you. It shouldn’t have to be reciprocal, but if you want to think of it that way for now, we will.” Spencer’s got them walking again, his arm around Liam’s shoulders. It’s nice. “You’re not supposed to have to do everything on your own, you know. I don’t know how you’ve made it this far without family nearby; I’d be lost without my parents and our neighbors. They’re… I guess Cat and Addy aren’t technically family, but they basically are. They taught me how to ride a horse and do barrels, and Cat used to get me into every mutton bustin’ event she could.”

“Did you have a little cowboy hat and everything?” Liam asks, half because he wants to know and half because he definitely does not want to talk about parents.

“Of course. I think we might still have it at the house; Addy got it for me before my first barrel riding event. Mom wants me to pass it down to another kid. She was thinking mine, but then I came out, and she told me I’d just have to find a kid to love like Addy and Cat loved me.”

“That’s… that’s really sweet of her. And them, too, but… that’s really, really cool of your mom.”

Spencer nods, smiling as he holds open the door to the H-E-B. As they step inside, Liam’s good mood evaporates. He swallows hard, then says, “you still don’t have to do this. I’ll be fine.”

“I know I don’t have to. I want to. It’s what Annie and Bell would want for you, and... and it's what I want, too. I want you to be okay.”

Liam doesn’t say anything, just goes to the pharmacy and gives them his name and prescription. Spencer pulls up the video of Annie playing, and Liam tries to watch it, he does, but his brain can’t focus and his mind is decidedly somewhere else. He’s not sure where it is, but whatever bog it’s found to wallow in, it’s not leaving any time soon.

The pharmacy calls his name, and he goes up with coupons on his phone screen, trying to figure out how he can afford it without Spencer’s help. The total comes to $24.89. He has exactly $26.27 in his bank account, but his car is almost out of gas, and he needs it to get to work, and he won’t be paid until Friday. He wants to scream. Instead, he just tells the woman they’ll pay at the check out, thanks her, and turns to see Spencer standing behind him, far enough away that he’s not eavesdropping.

“Anything else you need? I promise I’ll pay you back for these, I swear. I get paid on Friday. Or I… I’ll put gas in my car and then--”

“Hey, don’t worry about it. You did my chores all week; call it payment for that.” Spencer glances at the price, then adds, “that’s still criminally underpaying you for the work you’ve done for me this week. I’ve got a few things I could grab; is there anything you need? Anything Bell would want you to have?”

“I… I guess maybe fruit? Maybe some apples, because she likes them. We always used to share them growing up.”

“Alright, we’ll get a bag of apples. Anything else you need? There’s some milk and butter in a cooler I’m supposed to send you home with from the farm, so you don't need those.”

“That’s it; just the apples. Thank you.”

“Of course. You wouldn’t be in a tight spot if you hadn’t helped me. Plus, I mean, vet school and your residency and this test and everything is intense. I see how hard you’re working, and you still gave up what time you had to look after me and the farm… it means a lot. Really; I appreciate it. I appreciate you.”

“You’re going to make me cry again, jerk,” Liam mumbles. Spencer squeezes his arm a bit, offering him a little smile.

“I’m serious. You’re the most hardworking, dedicated guy I know. But you… you’re tired. You need a break. So, what we’re going to do, is we’re going to get you some apples and some nice coffee because I know the coffee you buy yourself tastes like dirt, and then we’re going to go back to the cars, and you’re going to have a good cry. No, you don’t get to argue. We’ll at least go sit in a car, so it’ll be sort of private, and you’re going to talk about everything you need to get off your chest.”

Liam hesitates for a second, giving him a chance to back out, but Spencer is clearly not willing to debate this, so Liam just nods.

“Okay. Thank you.”

“Of course.” Spencer’s smiling, and Liam offers him something close to a smile as they go back to shopping, and they’re walking back to the park with grocery bags in hand before Liam knows it. Spencer talks off and on, and Liam tries his best, but his brain is somehow on everything and nothing. It’s all he can do to put one foot in front of the other as his brain focuses on birds and trees and a cool mushroom while his mind and soul and all his messy gut emotions tumble down a widening gyre of shame and exhaustion and failure. He doesn’t even notice when they reach the park; Spencer has to pull him toward the truck. Once they’re safely inside, Spencer grabs a water bottle from the back and asks, “Can… is it safe for you to take a full dose of your meds now? I know timing matters on stuff like this, but if you can feel better sooner…”

It takes Liam a minute to process, but he looks at the clock on the dash and nods. “I… I have the old bottle; I should finish that.”

“Okay. Where’s the old bottle? Is it in your bag?” Liam nods, turning to dig through his bag and find the little orange bottle. The three little pills left rattle around, and the part of his brain that’s been focused on rationing screams at him to wait, tells him that he can go a bit longer without meds. He ignores it, taking a pill and washing it down with the water bottle Spencer hands him. Then, gently, Spencer says, “do you want to talk about what’s going on?”

“I… I just…” he’s going to find some nice way to say it, some polished and emotionless and clean wording, but Spencer looks so earnest, so genuinely concerned in a way no one has been for ages, that Liam can’t help himself. “It’s all so fucking much, and I’m going to fail, and it’ll all have been a waste. All of this, this… the studying, and the school, and the money, and the years of my life, it’ll all have been a waste because I’m too stupid to pass a fucking test. And when I fail I’ll lose my job, and I can’t afford to retake the test because I’m not a fucking… trust fund kid or anything like that, and the stupid test costs $700, and then all my friends who took it last fall and passed will be fine and successful and doing great things and I’ll be all alone again, and I’ll never get to help people or live with Bell or do any of the things I want to do, and it’ll all be my fault for failing.” He started crying at some point, big, hot, angry sobs, and he should probably be embarrassed about them, but he’s not. “I just wanted to help people and their animals. That’s all I ever wanted, ever since I was a kid, and now I can’t. Because my stupid brain doesn’t work, and… and I can’t afford to make it work, and I can’t even look after myself when I’m alone, so how in the fuck am I supposed to help Bell or other people or animals or… or help anyone when I can’t stop being a disaster. I can’t… I just…” He doesn't have the words for the past eight years, the overwhelming pile of exhaustion and disaster that has been slowly draining him. He’s exhausted, and he’s scared, and he’s never felt like more of a disappointment. He just sort of gestures helplessly at himself, hoping Spencer can understand something from his breakdown.

Between sobs, he hears Spencer ask, “can I hug you? Is that okay?”

He nods, and Spencer does hug him, somehow navigating the awkward space enough to wrap his arms around Liam and hold him together as he finally stops trying to explain things and just lets himself fall apart. Liam clings to him, his hands filling themselves with Spencer’s shirt as his face finds its way to Spencer’s shoulder. Just for now, for this one moment in a life of people moving on, he needs someone to stay.

“I’ve got you,” Spencer promises softly, rubbing his back. “I’ve got you.”

Liam’s not sure how long it’s been when he breaks through Spencer’s reassuring murmurs to admit, “I’m… I’m scared.” He’d stopped crying a while ago, but he can’t bring himself to let go of Spencer.

“It’s okay. I’ve got you. You’re going to do great, but if you don’t, we’ll figure it out together.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t… we barely know each other; I don’t… I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. You cleaned up my vomit last week; we’re closer than you think.” Liam laughs a bit, finally pulling away. Spencer gives him a last squeeze and lets go, and when Liam leans back, he sees that Spencer’s braced against the bitch seat between them, his whole body contorted in a way that can’t possibly be comfortable so that he was at the right angle for a hug. He looks ridiculous, and Liam can’t help but laugh a bit as he digs around for something in the back seat, not moving away. The laugh comes out wrong, too wet and close to a sob, but it’s something, and that something is enough to put a bit of a smile on Spencer’s face when he looks up a second later with a water bottle in his hand.

The smile fades into something else a moment later, Liam’s not sure how to read that look, especially combined with Spencer’s awkward position. It’s softer than what Liam would have expected, somehow. He’d expected some sort of joke, something to brush off what’s just happened or to help them ignore it, because every time he’s shown even a fraction of his fear to anyone else, that’s how it’s met. They’ll be awkward about it, and make a joke, and then they’ll move on. But when Spencer looks at him, that’s not what he gets. Instead, it’s concern. There’s a touch of confusion, but there's such an earnest concern behind it that Liam isn’t sure what to think.

“What is it?” Spencer asks, and it takes Liam a minute to realize he’s talking about the laugh.

“It’s… nothing. Thank you.”

“Of course. Here; you should drink something so you don’t get a headache. And… if you want, when you’re ready, we could go have a picnic? And we can study if you want, but we don’t have to. Only if you think it would make you feel better.”

“Maybe after we eat? If… how long can you stay?”

“Feeding and milking are done for the night, so I’m here as long as you need me.”

“Okay. If… you’re sure?”

“I’m sure. Whatever you need.”

“Thank you for this,” Liam tells his lap. He can’t bring himself to look Spencer in the eye again, not with everything that’s just happened. “You didn’t have to do any of it; I… I’m just a vet who showed up a few times. But thank you. It… it means more than you know.”

“Liam? Can you look at me a minute?” He looks up, and Spencer makes sure to look him in the eye when he says, “You’re important to me. I just want you to know that. You’re a good friend, and I’m glad I could help you. I’m glad you’re in my life.”

Liam’s not sure how to react to that. Somewhere, his brain processes that Spencer has nice eyes. That feels more real than anything that’s happened today, so he forces himself to latch onto it. They're dark eyes, the color of the earth on the farm where Liam grew up, that good black dirt that nourishes crops and feeds the world. They're so soft, framed by long lashes, and in the shadows of the twilight that surrounds the truck, they're transformed into inky pools, filled with a warmth and concern that Liam could sink into. When meeting Spencer’s eyes gets to be too much, he focuses instead on Spencer’s hand. He thinks about how the muscles and bones and tendons all work together to hold out the water bottle so Liam will drink some more. Mentally, he categorizes the way Spencer’s hand works, the machinery under the skin that makes it move and brings it to life. He catalogues the scar on Spencer's thumb and the callouses on his palm, memorizes the way his nails are cut and the tan lines on the backs from the gloves he wears to do work outside. Really, the human hand is a miracle. When he takes the water bottle and his hand brushes the miracle of Spencer’s, he nearly forgets how to breathe.

By the time he’s done drinking, Spencer is digging around in the back seat, and the spell is broken. Still, some part of Liam’s brain notes that he has a nice ass. Spencer emerges a second later with the picnic basket, holds it up with a smile, and says, “shall we?”

On AO3

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Take your meds, kids. And don't be afraid to ask for help; it's important.

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