#although i guess superficially it can be hard to tell because its not the Typical idea of what that means

[rxttenfish]

also fuckin. thinking about miravi with food. aaravi with a foodtruck and enjoying making people food and the love language of it all. miranda slowly recovering from an eating disorder* and needing both patience and a safe environment with support to begin healing. yeah.

[atopearth]

Shall We Date? Love Tangle Part 15 - Yamato Uzuki and Angelo De Ponte Routes

I’m kinda happy that Yamato’s childhood friend is Naoki, haven’t seen him in a while so it’s nice to see him in the story again~ Poor Naoki got sick and the heroine had to go pick Yamato up instead! I quite like Yamato, he’s really passionate and strong to come all the way to Kaleido to open up his own dojo to spread awareness about kendo, very admirable! Also really cool that the one who renovated the place was Angelo, an architect seems cool! I’m kinda excited for the future route with the captain of the ship though, I like him hahaha. It was so cute to see how awkward they were when she nearly fell down after kneeling for too long and he caught her. She still ended up hitting her forehead because they were so awkward about touching each other haha. Whoaaa, Angelo designed Lilac Court (the place where the heroine and all the guys live in)! Ooh I see, Nathaniel created this place for people striving to make their dreams come true so that they would have somewhere comfortable to stay in as they worked their hardest, and I guess that’s why all the love interests are kinda differentiated by the job they have?

Like, I do enjoy Angelo’s idea of understanding the sum of a person’s preferences to know what they’re comfortable in to know more about how they would like their house to be, but it’s difficult to have that date he had with the heroine with every client~ But I guess he only did that specially for her to show her, and in terms of her learning to perceive what is best for the Kaleido leopards from their perspective instead of just a human’s, this date was very useful for her to understand that so she can provide the best environment for them. Gotta admit that Angelo is pretty captivating though, that first CG is nice!😍 Next thing you know, Angelo’s gonna have designed every important building in this city loll! Anyway, not sure if I actually like how that gymnasium looks lol, but his intentions on wanting it to bridge intercultural connections through its design and everything sounds really cool. Like Yamato says, he doesn’t get it much design wise, but his thoughts of wanting to show and bring kendo to different cultures is a similar intention😆

Yamato is so honest and sincere with his words that it’s hard to resist… So cute when he was drunk and was saying how cute she was etc. He’s so forward in his own way! Although, I have to say, following him to his dojo and then taking up his offer of drinking sake with him and then drinking so much could be dangerous, heroine! You’re lucky he’s a good boy lol! It was so sweet when she told Angelo how she blacked out, fell asleep (Yamato fell asleep too!) and didn’t want to wake Yamato up so she came home alone, and Angelo said from now on he should tell her these things because he’d pick her up no matter where she is, how nice🥰 Not surprised that the guy Yamato was talking to harshly was a fellow kendo practitioner that considers Yamato as a rival because he keeps losing to him, and yet he doesn’t practice kendo properly and only wants to win through dirty methods. It was pretty cute when Yamato tried to ask the heroine to dinner but was shy XD

Wow, that rival guy is such a dirty prick. He actually hired people to go attack Yamato! It’s a win win situation either way as well, since if Yamato fights, he’ll be disqualified from the competition and if he doesn’t, he’ll get injured. Pretty disgusting behaviour for a sportsman. At least we got to see how brave Yamato was to protect the heroine from them all and to listen to her and not fight back since she wants to see him in the competition. It’s so cute how all the guys praise Yamato for being a good guy that can’t talk to girls properly but is very sincere, and lol at him being super honest when he gets drunk. Guess he really liked the heroine when he first met her lol. Lmao at everyone asking Angelo to add different recreational spaces, especially Miguel wanting a gigantic pool🤣 it’s kinda cute how Angelo seems to support Yamato’s love for the heroine but also likes to tease him about it by getting close to the heroine and making him jealous lol. I’m not surprised that Yamato is silly enough to forget there’s only one bedding haha. So cute when he tried to confess to her but couldn’t say it🤣 It was so like him to end up practising so that they wouldn’t have to fully share the bedding together whilst being awake lol.

Omg, metal pipes?! The heroine could have died! Lucky Yamato pushed her out of the way in time but as the cliche goes, his arm got injured and it’ll take a month to heal~ how will he participate in his tournament now? Well, as expected, he just pushed himself and won anyway because he’s awesome, even though his opponent was dodgy AGAIN by loosening that white band that keeps the bamboo sword together. AND as expected, it went with the cliche route of Yamato being nice and acknowledging his rival and the rival said he did all that crap because he thought Yamato never acknowledged him as one, so he apologises or whatever that I don’t care because no, that was very unsatisfactory! I’m so disappointed in how they ended the kendo part, like seriously? The guy did SO MANY THINGS that were crimes and that could have killed them and it was all because of something so silly that could be resolved in two sentences? He didn’t have any hatred, he was annoyed that he thought he wasn’t acknowledged. He’s even worst than I thought. If he was a downright guy that was obsessed with winning, yeah, I can see why he’d do all that, but no he wanted Yamato to acknowledge his skills as his rival? Can I ask, which part of him trying to cheat all the time would make anyone think he is a worthy rival? Why would they? Can this guy even reflect on his actions before blaming other people for not acknowledging him? Even to the end, he’s still just some selfish no name. The way they resolved it was just disappointing and disgusting because it doesn’t even address the problem properly. Ugh. Anyway, Yamato finally confessed and we’re done. Honestly, it was an all right route, but that ending just annoyed me. Yamato is your typical shy, determined and cute guy, but yeah, average route with an annoying story with the career part so yeah, I don’t think I like this route lol.

So I guess Angelo is the type that got so used to always asking for what people like and catering to them (due to his job), so he’s kinda forgotten about what he likes and wants? Loll, luckily Angelo was able to clear everything up about renovations before the demolition rumours got out of hand. I think the date the heroine prepared was very thoughtful and nice. She knew it’d be hard for him to choose stuff out of nowhere, so she prepared options for him to choose from as they went along the day and so everything they ended up doing was something Angelo would have liked to do or eat, it was very nice of her to do that imo. I feel like it was kindaaa ridiculous how they wanted to show that Angelo has emotions and can get agitated over the heroine through the construction foreman being annoyed at how Angelo and her was stopping them from working because the materials were cheap and crappy ones they didn’t ask for. Like, how dodgy can you get and how immature can you get to try and deal with the problem physically? And..they out the dodgy guy trying to profit from using cheap materials lol. I don’t know why the story decided near the end that they thought they should do something related to Angelo’s job so…superficially? It’s such a superficial problem to happen and was really unnecessary? It doesn’t add anything to Angelo’s character nor does it show his emotional growth? I feel like regardless of what happened with the heroine, he still would have acted the same way.

And they set up the guy to talk about all his wrongdoings whilst the police listen in, yep the villains are always so silly. Then Angelo confesses and stays in Kaleido, happy ending~ Yeah, that was really more bland than I thought. I honestly thought you’d get to see more of Angelo’s work life and style but instead they just added some random villain out of nowhere near the end to make some “problem” appear and then they get together. I also thought it was so boring how they got together, I felt like in the common route, Angelo and the heroine got along nicely and had more chemistry than Yamato, but once it came to his own route, it just felt so lacklustre with how things were handled. Tbh, even though I didn’t like the “problem” in Yamato’s route, I at least felt more feelings towards it than Angelo’s story, pretty disappointing😪

[dearskz]

look at me pt.1

Genre: slight angst, fluff, school au, unrequited love au

Pairing: reader x jeongin (i.n) ft. hyunjin

Length: 1,622 words 

Description: Will you ever look at Jeongin as anything else besides a best friend? (third-person narrative)

Author’s side note: This song inspired this scenario :) ALSO DON’T FORGET TO STREAM I AM YOU!

Part 2 (masterlist) 

Some people spend their entire lives searching for ‘the one’. Jeongin was lucky enough to have known his ‘one’ his entire life. She was the one who defended him from bullies. She was the one who understood him more than he understood himself. The one who has always been by his side no matter the circumstances. Sounds perfect right? There’s just one slight problem: she doesn’t know that she’s the one. Not yet at least. Jeongin plans on telling her today, Valentine’s Day.

For them, Valentine’s Day has always been the total opposite of romantic. It was the day where they would go to each other’s houses in their PJ’s and watch horror movies while eating chicken feet until completely knocking out due to food coma. It was a tradition that they swore to never break, but Jeongin is going to have to break his promise today.

There were several instances where Jeongin was very close to confessing to y/n, but the thought of risking a 13-year friendship just wasn’t worth it. Jeongin and y/n have known each other since kindergarten when Jeongin was 4 and y/n was 5. One day y/n noticed a small, chubby Jeongin being teased for his size on the playground and decided to stand up for him. Although having a 1-year age difference, they managed to stick together like glue, always waiting for each other after class, walking home together, doing the typical things that best friends do. Sure they had a couple of friends in their grade, but no one understood them better than each other. Seeing that most of the people they knew were superficial and materialistic, it only made sense that they gravitated towards each other since that was one of the few things they hated in life.

The relationship y/n and Jeongin shared was special and irreplaceable. They did everything and anything together. They also kept no secrets from one another, which is why Jeongin ultimately chose to risk it all. His love and admiration for y/n was the only secret he has been hiding from her since they met. It was hard not to fall in love with y/n. From her kind heart and intelligence to her captivating eyes and breathtaking smile, she gave Jeongin a reason to look forward to school. His little secret has been killing him for years and he couldn’t bear it any longer, he needed to know if y/n could look at him as something more than a best friend and more importantly, a little brother.

It was the dreaded bro-zone that many of the less-fortunate fall into. Jeongin was desperately hoping he wasn’t one of them. He knew that it was something that was out of his control though. He would still love and respect y/n regardless, yet he had the slightest amount of hope that she felt the same way.

“Good morning sunshine! Can you believe the number of chocolate wrappers scattered all over school? I wish I had a broom to clean it up.”  Y/n appeared beside Jeongin’s locker, shaking his thoughts and bringing him back to reality.

“Ah glad to see you realizing your dream of being a janitor early.” Jeongin poked teasingly at y/n. Although she was older and often very motherly towards him, he still loved to joke around because he loved seeing her reactions.

“Bold of you to assume that I’m starting now, I’ve been training since day one. Janitors don’t get enough appreciation, they’re hard-working motherfuckers.” Y/n snapped back while shaking her head.  

Jeongin chuckled, “Yo, straight up facts. I’ll buy you your first uniform.”

“How sweet of you,” y/n laughed and lightly punched Jeongin’s shoulder, “So, what do you have planned for us today on the most romantic day of the year?” Y/n said as they made their way down the hallway towards their classes.

Jeongin pulled out his imaginary list and adjusted his invisible glasses, “Let’s see, after school, we are going straight to the convenience store to get some garlic parmesan chips with garlic dip, because who are we kissing amirite? Then we get to my house, order some chicken feet, sundae (Korean blood sausage), and coca-cola. A side of kimchi and pa muchim (Korean scallion salad) to go with it of course.”

“dELicIOUS. I love it when I have to brush my teeth and tongue to the depths of hell to get rid of stinky breath.” Y/n joked. “What movies do we have lined up today?”

“We got The Shining, The Babadook, and Carrie. Some cult favourites, as usual.”

“Carrie? We watched that 3 Valentine Days ago, and we watched The Babadook when it came out.” Y/n squinted at Jeongin in disbelief. It wasn’t like him to forget things like this. “What’s up Jeongin?” Y/n stopped in her tracks, stepping in front of Jeongin to prevent him from avoiding her question.

Jeongin fiddled with his backpack straps. He knew he should’ve chosen different movies but he was so focused on his confession that their movie marathon completely slipped his mind.

“Nothing, nothing! I just thought we could watch them again, I know how much you loved Carrie.” He looked y/n in the eyes and gave her a small smile in an attempt to hide his small lie.

Y/n raised her brow and sighed, “Alright, well I guess I can’t argue with that.” She spun around and began walking again.

Jeongin let out a breath of relief and followed, wiping a bead of sweat from his brow in the process.

“You know Jeongin, I always wondered what would happen to our tradition if we found someone we liked. I realized throughout our 13-year friendship that you never told me about your crushes.”

Jeongin was slightly taken aback by your statement. ‘That was because I was always crushing on you,’ Jeongin thought to himself. His cheeks flushed but thankfully, y/n was still staring down the hall ahead of her. “Well... I guess we’re just going to have to find out.”

Y/n whipped her head towards Jeongin so fast that she could’ve broken it, “What do you mean by that? Don’t tell me, YOU LIKE SOMEONE?” Y/n’s face lit up and her eyes began to sparkle. “OHOHOHO WHO IS IT? SPILL THE TEA.”

“You’ll find out by the end of the day.” He kept his gaze on the students at the end of the hall, he knew that if he looked at her, he would’ve given in to those beautiful deep eyes of hers.

“You’re confessing today?!.” To be honest, Y/n was kind of hurt by the fact that she didn’t know about his supposed crush until today, the day he was going to confess. How could he not tell his best friend? “Lucky bastard, they better be special because not just anyone deserves to be crushed on by my best friend!”

“Yeah, special..” He smiled softly at y/n before they reached her classroom. They stopped in front of the door and y/n turned to Jeongin.

“Well, see you at lunch! Good luck with your bio test. REMEMBER, THE MITOCHONDRIA IS THE-”

Jeongin rolled his eyes, “POWERHOUSE OF THE CELL! YES THANK YOU, as if we haven’t learned that every year since 6th grade.”

Y/n giggled, putting her hand on Jeongin's shoulder making his heart flutter a little, “I was just testing your knowledge, you’re gonna ace it, I know it!” She flashed him a warm smile, her eyes turning into little crescent moons and the apples of her cheeks becoming pink and round.

~~~

*Ring ding dong*

The bell rang as y/n sat down at her desk, pulling out her textbook and pencil case when she heard the chair next to her creak. She turned her head to see what made the noise and was met with a familiar face.

“Already pulling out the homework? You know that if the teacher isn’t here 15 minutes after class starts, we can leave right?” He playfully nudged.

“Hyunjin you know that’s a myth, and I’m on student council, I have to set a good example our fellow classmates.”

“You didn’t do last night’s homework did you?”

“No sir, I did not.” y/n admitted, lowering her head in shame.

“Here,” Hyunjin put his notebook on y/n’s desk, “just copy mine. Hurry before Mr. Park comes.”

Y/n gasped, “Oh my gosh you are a lifesaver, bless your soul. I owe you one.” She beamed as she furiously copied last night’s math equations.

“Okay, then how about going on a date with me this Friday night?”

Y/n choked on her spit, “A date?!” She felt her heart race at 100 miles per second while she was trying to process what just happened.

“Sorry, is that too much to ask? You don’t have to say yes, there’s really no pressure.” Y/n looked up and noticed a rose tint appear on those squishable cheeks of his, “I just have a lot of fun hanging out with you at school and kind of want to spend more time getting to know you better outside of school.”

“Hyunjin I…” Y/n’s mind went blank. ‘How do I respond??? What if I mess up?’ she thought to herself.

“I know its sudden… how about this, give me your answer at the end of the day. I won’t be offended if you say no so don’t worry about it too much!” He smiled, putting his hand on top of hers, giving it a reassuring squeeze before taking his notebook back.

“Wait Hyunji-” Y/n was cut off by a loud slam, almost jolting her out of her seat.

“Good morning class! Sorry, I’m late!” Mr. Park came in winded and visibly exhausted. “My morning jog was longer than I expected. Please open up your textbooks to page 325.”

[gloieee]

To glo et al.

It seems appropriate in many ways to start off this playlist with Dr. WHOEVER, an introspective and unexpectedly slow-paced track by Amine that has stayed with me since a dear friend sent it to me towards the end of 2018. I remember the moment so clearly. It was a typical cold Boston winter evening, when the sun had set well before 4 pm. I was living in my stifling apartment in Longwood mere minutes from my work and feeling empty after putting my all into a process for a year +, and yet still under so much uncertainty about the future. Mentally and physically, I felt so heavy, and since I finally had time, got a work-subsidized gym membership. That particular day, I had mustered up all my energy to change into my gym clothes after work to head to the dingy Bodyscapes, which really just felt like an extension of the Longwood hospitals. (It didn’t help that it was literally nestled in one of the research buildings.) Walking the few minutes back home, my body hot and the night air cold, I listened to this song and got shivers at how much it felt like an anthem for the confused mid-twenty-year-olds going through shit. Sad on your motherfucking birthday, cause you know you’re getting older and not happier. It hit even harder because my birthday always comes with the new year, and that only exacerbates the reflecting and processing I do. 

This song seems still more relevant this year, now. Indeed, it’s been crazy, for everyone, and it’s been laden with moments when you question, “what the fuck is my life.” I’ve been trying to be my own Dr. WHOEVER for the first time. It’s ironic that it’s my first, given that I’m trying to become a doctor for other people, perhaps even exactly the person you go to to tell all your problems. I’ve always been almost too good at telling a friend what I’m going through, contrary to the trope of the emotionally reticent young person, putting up a front of happiness. I’ve been having some illuminating conversations recently, mainly with the same friend who sent me this song years ago (who I have been so grateful towards, even more so these past few weeks), and been evaluating this funk that I’ve been in since Spring 2019 from a step back. 

Up until last year, a source of my agony was being understood by others. I knew what I wanted, even though I also knew that from the outside, that didn’t always seem to make me “happy” nor appeared to be the easiest route to take. Hence, I would find myself constantly explaining/ defending what I was going through because I wanted others to “get it.” I’ve always deeply wanted to be understood by others, ever since I was an adolescent. I’ve always felt “different” in some way from other people around me, and I never liked that feeling. Hence, I am/ have always been so touched when someone “gets me”. It’s no coincidence that I have what I have etched onto my left forearm for eternity. So, when ~da funk~ started in 2019, I did what I always do and talked to people about it. I have amazing friends (thanks to my thick “General eyebrows,” which indicates “people luck” in Korea), and everyone has been so validating throughout this perplexing situation where I feel so unmotivated and unlike myself. 

I realized recently that my situation right now may be pointedly opposite of what I’ve felt before—everyone else thinks I’m doing fine (many friends have said that it seemed like I was having the time of my life in LA—and I did from a certain lens), but I’m entirely unhappy with where I am. What I need right now doesn’t seem to be validation from anyone else, but from myself. I need to understand and accept where I am, and tell myself it’s okay. I’ve always been about facing the brute reality, bucking up, and making it through. This revelation has called for an entire change of pace—I am not used to being kind to myself, unless I’m going through something that I objectively consider difficult (i.e. debilitating chronic pain in college), superhumanly impossible, or at least deeply meaningful. I hold myself to such a standard that I never hold to my own friends or others. So as Amine says, I’m trying to let my feelings settle in and take my own advice. 

My mother told me that no one can fully understand who I am, because there is no way for anyone to know everything that has happened in my life and what significance it holds for me. I’m the only one that can perhaps truly understand where I’m coming from, because I’m the only one who knows my life in its entirety. She told me that as she gets older, she realizes more and more that at the end of the day, our own self is all that anyone has. It’s a balance, but I am trying very hard to take care of myself, to be kind. I have felt, for the first time ever perhaps, that it doesn’t really help to talk to people about what I am struggling with right now. I like updating them once I have a breakthrough, or asking for specific advice after I wade through and organize my own thoughts, all the leaves and flowers strewn about the waters, but active problem solving with people (read: in real time freak outs) feel burdensome to everyone and lead me to also feel worse about myself. I don’t feel very good after talking about myself to other people right now.

I do feel bad because I also don’t really have the capacity to be there for others, and I don’t feel like I have a legitimate reason to be in that state. Even when I was going through objectively difficult things, I was able to (I thought) be present for my friends. This isn’t a good excuse, but for those who are reading, I apologize for not being present. The following songs are a letter of sorts to myself, all the different parts and voices of glo, a progression of me into my own mind. As I’ve mentioned before, I have sought to be a sort of muse to someone rather than my own whatever. I feel like I am seeking to be my own muse at this time. I could not explain to you what this really means, but I am listening to these songs with a different perspective than usual. Perhaps this means I am just blithely self-centered, but I’m not imagining other people to be singing about me anymore, but feel like this is me singing about me? 

I am hopeful though. I think this could be something. 

9. 20. 2020  

_______________________________________________________________________

Is what I wrote nearly a month ago, a few weeks into these realizations, my purported ~self- care journey~ that I can’t say without a laugh (although it’s truly extremely important). And I was right. This WAS-IS SOMETHING. I feel more grounded and stable than I’ve felt since the dreaded March 2019. Grounded in a different sense, because I have let go of the notion that my feet need to touch the ground for me to feel stable. 

My superficial mood is still what it is, but I don’t feel it racking me to my core anymore. I feel like I know who I am, for the first time since March 2019. I still can’t put it into words, but I know that I I know. 

Open Wide- Spencer .

I hope you like the way I like to keep you in my head Same thoughts keep haunting me, while I am sleeping in my bed You've got me open wide Just come inside 

2much – Spencer  

Who let you make the rules? Summer's gone Win or lose, you still bruise Bring it on  I put my little truth in this song   Up too late, you're heavy on my mind now Lying to myself, I need to lie down Tearing down the walls, I need to cry now

Spencer’s music is like a beautiful, dreamy snapshot into vulnerability and honesty. An appropriate second intro for my journey with and within myself. God knows the same thoughts have been haunting me for a while, especially in the evenings laden with insomnia (which is ever so often these days), when my mind is not strong enough to fight off the negative thoughts and the burden of a day where I haven’t done nearly enough as I “should have.” But perhaps these repeating haunting thoughts actually show that I might as well invite myself into my own world, rather than forcing myself out. I’m already here anyway; might as well get comfortable. I’m too in my head a lot of the time, and this phrase is often used negatively. We need to be out in reality, in the real world; you just need to turn off your mind and get shit done. I’ve always believed in this firmly, which has led me to dislike myself a lot of the time. I like myself better when I’m action-oriented; I like others who are action-oriented, perhaps having been burnt hurt by people who are all thought and no action. But, at the same time, I need to recognize that I have never been that paralyzed to inaction so that I have lost something dear to me as a consequence. Of course, that could happen to me, as it can to anyone, but maybe I just need to cut myself some slack. Instead of forcing myself out of my mind, and feeling agonized when I find myself there inevitably, I would like to open wide and kindly invite myself in.  

And what better way than with some good old honesty. … Summer’s gone, win or lose, you still bruise. BRING IT ON. This line carries courage that I’ve felt I had lost for a while. I’ve been so afraid of, it boils down to, regret. A certain type of regret. 

Fun Girl - Summer Walker 

I remember what you told me Said I wasn't made right Said I wasn't cut right That's why I'm so lonely, mm Can't turn a ho into a housewife   Is it cause I love who I want and fuck who I choose to Don't take no shit and won't be used But I guess that makes me undesirable   Life's unfair

 I love Summer Walker with her ever raw, melancholy, crooning vocals. This mixtape-like track reminds me of an average post-grad apartment set up: soft beige carpets, and a girl singing into a mic surrounded by blankets on a second-hand plushy sofa. I listen to this song and think, what a dick this kid is for treating Summer this way when she’s baller. These queries are so relatable and I get so worked up until I realize—no one has ever said these things to me or made me feel this way really. It’s really just me saying it and doing it to myself. Funny to what extent you’re your worst critic. 

On a separate note, her life’s unfair outro just pulls at my heart. Each time she says it it’s as if I can accept that fact a little bit better. 

I Was Sad Last Night I’m OK now - Tobi Lou

I was sad last night, I'm okay now  My bad lil' bih went missin' on me All my confidence sure went missin' on me Ain't seen you in a while, are you checkin' on me?   I was hungry as fuck, I just ate now But the state that I'm in got me anxious again

Sometimes I ignore you too - Tobi Lou 

 All these things I don't need (A lot) Giving me anxiety (Stop)   (I need you to escape I'm like light years away I’m here, you’re there  It’s no fair    You think you make all the rules My insides are royal blue Sometimes I ignore you too)   Took a step back but, didn't go backwards I wanted things but they didn't happen

Tobi has been my soul food for the past few months. I was sad last night I’m OK now has been the mantra I’ve been trying to chant into existence. It’s all right you sad right now, but tomorrow, it’s gonna be better. It’s okay you were sad last night, but right now you’re ok. I play this song in the morning after I do my meditation. The cycle of trying to fulfill my basic needs/duties of the day, but the anxiety just popping up for no f- reason has really been my days lately. But I’m trying not to dwell on it too much. I constantly am reminding myself that I “took a step back but, didn’t go backwards.” I’m trying to live by it.  

Tobi is a prolific artist and just so accurately captures the spirit of your twenties, these particular turbulent and unsure times, in so many other songs too. He just owns his vulnerability in a funky way; he’s sad but boppy; insecure but also knows he’s still hot shit, and honestly just goals. He just matter-of-factly states what he’s going through, and shows me that all these emotions can coexist at the same time and that’s fine and beautiful. I can be sad sometimes, but be okay; I can feel doubt while also thinking my insides are royal blue; I can miss someone but also ignore them; I can feel like things aren’t fair but move on; I can take a step back but move forward. 

Dr. WHOEVER - Amine

I sit here and tell you my problems That's how this work, right? I'm s'posed to be open and honest But I got time, right Let your feelings settle in

I want war (but I need peace) - Kali Uchis 

My mind and my soul is the weapon And every failure was a lesson See, I just wanna grow into my greatness I wish I had the time that you takin'   I want war, but I need peace And they kept on callin' me crazy But maybe, that's how God made me

On the note of accepting myself, maybe this is how God made me. I’ve tried digging into why it was I was in such a funk when things were objectively fine, other than the obvious of what happened in Spring 2019. But I haven’t really* been able to get down to it, and I’ve felt a bit crazy and frustrated. And yet, I have been pressuring myself to get out of it for so long. The overarching theme has been that I’ve felt that I have no time, as Amine seems to question in Dr. WHOEVER. I feel so old, so behind in life, but can’t muster up the motivation to do even the basics for a while. Hence the loop-de-loop of doom. I’m maybe realizing that personality-wise I approach things like a war—something to conquer, to overcome, to achieve—when what I really need is peace—kindness, a steadier state. And instead of seeking that from external things—career, marriage by a certain age (which seem to be the standard these days)—I need to find that in myself. 

I do think I’ve reached a point where I can’t justify why, but I can put words to why the slump has lasted this long. It’s because I felt like I just wasn’t making progress in any core pillars of my life. Even the good things were arbitrary and by chance, and it just made me feel like I wasn’t earning anything or moving forward. An interesting and random event has made me realize though, that every failure has been* a lesson, even though it’s taking much longer & more effort for me to feel it and realize it in my life. My mind and my soul has been a weapon that I’ve used against myself for a while, and I’m realizing I still can* use it for myself. I’m trying to grow into my greatness, and I think I am getting there, slowly but surely. Maybe I do have the time that you takin. 

Instead of ruminating on why and what went wrong on multiple fronts, I am trying to cut my losses and accept, much like JID does. Sometimes you try for shit and shit just doesn’t work out. I need to just use how God made me to deal with whatever it is I’m going through, and be satisfied, even feel a sense of appreciation, instead of focusing on what I’m not:  

Workin Out - JID  

(Mama call, "Where the fuck you at?") -the story of living in Korea with my parents at age 26.    I gave everything and got nothing back    'Cause I been working hella hard, shit ain't really working out I been praying to the Lord, shit ain't really working out I been looking to the stars, keep my head up in the clouds Shit ain't really working out, shit ain't really working out   Quiet Don't explain What is there to gain   Searching for a purpose, I see what you on Difference in how you be using your gifts In the midst of the shit that you dealing with

And a brief interjection to actually embrace the vulnerability that I so admire in Tobi and these artists. Despite these realizations that you need to stop lingering too much and move on, you still want a hot tub dream machine and want things you can’t have, and want to croon about it for a bit. “Honesty is better when it’s practiced”: this line hits me most saliently these days. It’s one of those lines that hits you and you’re like wow, what an interesting way to phrase a truth. We always talk about honesty and the value of it, and harbor our honest thoughts it in ourselves. Yet we rarely fully voice it, to ourselves nor to our families, friends, partners and it leads to a lot of strife. Honesty not about what we want or want to reach, but where we’re at right now. A failure to do this has been a central part of how things went further south last year. I’ve been taking this to heart, and trying to practice this form of honesty these days. 

Hot tub DREAM machine - tobi Lou 

Ayy, I need a hot tub time machine Then I can go back and fix everything Same old you, but a different me  Maybe we can be human beings   Still struggling with a whole lot of things I'm still down here spiraling   But you know there's something about you  That makes me happy, but makes me so sad too  Makes me so damn sad  I don't wanna fall asleep, I don't wanna say good night I don't wanna get too weak, I don't wanna slip your mind   'Cause lately you so UFO You don't come around no more You visit me in my dreams Like why on Earth you do that for?

Cheap Vactions – Tobi Lou  

I'm just waitin' on you, on you I got a window seat with your name on it I got the red eye cheap, we could fade on it   I-I-I do not think I'm ok  Sometimes I think I can fly  You know I hate being lonely  Don't keep me waiting too long 

 Stolen Moments - Cautious Clay  

Honesty is better when it’s practiced Don’t stress your confidence in subtleties Cus no better half can satisfy A wasted alibi

Ultimately, despite the meandering journey I’ve been on, the dips of frustration and self-questioning, I feel it like a faint hint in the backdrop that has gotten more salient over the months: I’m proud of myself. I remember listening to PROUD OF U by EARTHGANG (feat. Young Thug) while doing some dumbbell rows at the gym and feeling a pang in my chest and perhaps, a tiny tear in my eye. Something about Young Thug’s cracking voice as he says he’s proud of you that got to me. These past few months, I’ve truly realized how hard on myself I normally am and it feels like a big step for me to be proud of myself, not for an external achievement that everyone validates or something that I think is impossible, but for working on myself in a silent way, even if parts of it may appear incomprehensible or silly to both myself and others. 

And my lighthearted spirit anthem. I’m addicted to “taking care of myself” in all ways these past few months, and a funsie way it has manifested is exactly and literally the following: an obsession with skincare. No matter the topsy turvy tribulations of the day, I wrap up the evening slapping on some new toners, serums, and creams, maybe peeling off a sheet mask pack, and feeling myself to this song. There’s something that feels affirming about taking care of my skin even if “the world gonna end,” and I see no one. It’s a symbolic, tangible, but also random act that keeps it all in good fun. The interweaving of cursing out the doom of 2020, the anger directed towards multiple sources yet no one at all, the sadness, the confidence, the indignation, the sass, the resolve, the twinkly dancing alone in my room, the laughter, all in no particular order, it all me right now. 

I really do feel like if I continue down this road, circling back to Dr. Whoever, I’ll be on track in my life. This may actually save a life:

SKIN CARE TUTORIAL 2020 - Tobi Lou

I'm irrational, I'm too passionate I don't give a fuck, I just popped a zip Mirror on the wall, who the baddest bitch? Oh yeah right that's me How could I forget?  Vengeance on these hoes, 2020 shit Real sad shit   God damn bitch, I'm beautiful Have you ever seen a - like me? Let me answer that for you, no you haven't   I'm takin' care of my skin, ayy I'm drinkin' water and shit, yeah I moisturize like a bitch, ooh   Fuck 2020 by the way, yeah   (Bitch, this might fuck around and save a life) 

 Updated mid-Oct & mid-Nov 2020 

[myreadingexperience]

Researching cybersurveillance, I stumbled upon the Citizen Lab, and subsequently upon Deibert’s book, Black Code. First book to have read on Kindle, and there’s irony in this, as the more I read, the more data I produced to be collected and analyzed. 

A few of the main ideas: To start with, code is law. As Marshall McLuhan postulated that the medium is the message and Harold Innis showed the bias of communications, we must understand that instructions encoded in software regulate what we can do. Second, a recent change is the movement away from searching the WWW to a push notifications environment where „information is delivered to us” through apps. Third, while in the beginning the internet seemed like a free place, hard to regulate, right now, many countries use censorship and block Twitter, Facebook, Youtube, etc. Internet censorship went from being regulated – like usual things – through law, to being regulated through code and software, and responsibility is put directly on the service providers. For example, China has a particular way of doing this: it sends back to the user an error message, as if the content itself doesn’t exist (Google found a way around this, suggesting users alternate spellings). We must begin to understand and connect the dots, as users and as citizens: the internet is international, but its cables are everywhere, its central nodes are everywhere – but mostly around the US – and the devices we use are from specific nations – bending to specific national laws. From a lawless place, it has became a place of many, many laws. Fourth, the future is at least partly out of the West’s hands. The growing populations of the rest of the world will have access to the net, along with living in increasing inequality due to climate change and capitalism’s mechanism,  so the question Deibert asks is, what kind of web will they craft? As the author shows, in some countries governments outsource to extra-legal intervention groups to deal with unrurly citizens. Coming back to corporations, Google has started issuing transparency reports, showing the number of requests it has received from governments to censor or remove content, and highlighting those it complied with or turned down (most requests are „other requests”, not issued through a court order). Most companies don’t tell users if their data is asked for by the government. In 2002 and 2004, Chinese government requested information on two dissidents from Yahoo!, who complied. When being sued by the families in the US, the company testified that it was following local law. Skype, as well, uses content filtering for China, and can be intercepted, although it promises end to end encryption. After 9/11, a key point in the cybersurveillance debate, governments felt entitled to more and more of citizen’s information, creating the false tradeoff: privacy vs security. Human Rights Watch found that the UN passed several resolutions urging member states to pass laws that expand government powers to „investigate, arrest, detain, and prosecute individuals at the expense of due process”. With enough data, a Minority Report future isn’t just dystopian fiction anymore – politically inclined individuals can be monitored before they do anything. Researcher Chris Soghoian pointed out that some companies even charge fees for „lawful access”, with automated process. Cybercrime is real, and just like most crime, its structure is knotted in complicated patterns and networks – many „cyberweapons” (spying software, malware for breaking in, or just hiring a black hat to hack someone) are cheap and easy to buy on the internet, and, as Deibert puts it, how can the West condemn the Syrian Electronic Army when it openly markets computer network attack products at trade shows? Besides, when cyberweapons are perceived as clean, there might be „strong pressures to adopt military over diplomatic solutions”.  Technology is multi-puroposed, and the same is used for surveillance of dangerous targets or of peace activists. Hacking used to have a more positive value – „of experimentation and exploration of limits and possibilities”. Technology can be seen not as a thing, but as a craft, inherently political. In the context of our constant connectedness, the increasing restrictions on cyberspace „are alarming”. The closing off of hardware and software and putting on copyright or other laws to diminish access to them are not only barriers to our freedoms, but ultimately to our security as well. The Electronic Frontier Foundation has found laws (in debate – Article 3 of DAAIS in Europe) that limit the publishing of research on security flaws. The denial of access to knowledge is increasing, together with the tools to dismantle it. One solution could take the form of a distributed model: mixture of multiple actors with governance roles, division of control with cooperation and consent, and restraint. Without humans „cyberspace would not exist”. Deibert pushes for a position of joint custodianship: we either degrade cyberspace, or we extend it. The responsibility is inter-generational. 

I also finished Program or be programmed by Rushkoff. It’s a kind of manifesto for the digital age, with ten main “commandments”, which I quite enjoyed - an easy read, fast and recommended for anyone interested in what it means to live online. Rushkoff is a character, writing that “instead of optimizing our machines for humanity ... we are optimizing humans for machinery”. The base for the ten commands are the biases inherent in the technology we use. First, ‘do not always be on’, as machines live beyond time, from decision to decision, while we live in the present, continuously flowing, so, “by becoming “always on”, we surrender time to a technology that knows and needs no such thing”. Second, ‘live in person’, be local, be there, where you are - technology is biased towards distance, non-space, and scaling. Third, ‘you may always choose none of the above’, as technology draws lines that are too simple, categorizing or binary through our lives, we can refuse all options, or label freely, with tags. Fourth, ‘you are never completely right’, because, “thanks to its first three biases, digital technology encourages us to make decisions, make them in a hurry, and make them about things we’ve never seen ourselves up close”. It is “biased towards a reduction of complexity”. Rushkoff stresses that we should opt for a world in which we learn about our technology, not a world in which it learns about us. Fifth, ‘one size does not fit all’, because this hyper-abstracted model of internet business doesn’t work for smaller start-ups. Sixth, ‘be yourself’, because while anonymity can protect you, it can also make people behave irresponsibly, facilitating angry and revengeful mobs. Seventh, ‘do not sell your friends’, exposes the internet’s bias towards connection rather than content, and how businesses are making money off it. Eighth, ‘tell the truth’, “because this will increase our value to others”, and besides, lies don’t last long. Ninth, ‘share, don’t steal’, shows how our belief in open sharing has lead to the current business model based on ads, and how we should support the work we consume directly. Tenth, and most importantly, ‘program or be programmed’, because if you don’t understand the inner workings, or at least the superficial biases of the technology you use, it will bias you towards certain things, and you’ll never know why.  

When I find the time, I plunge into Haruki Murakami’s short story collection, Men without Women - a gift from my cousin. I re-read the first story, which I hear a few years ago at a “Vocea cititorului” meeting - “Drive my car”. This time, I enjoyed it more. I guess I read the book with a kind of nostalgia, but also detachment. Murakami used to be a favorite of mine in high school, and although I’ve always sensed his novels are far better than his short stories, I have a feeling now I wouldn’t like those as much as I did back then. Men without women is a collection of stories about exactly this - lonely men, left by women in one way or another. I think they’re a bit like writing exercises, in which Murakami tries this and that, typical characters and settings of his, on jazz or Beatles music. None of them contain anything too surreal, maybe just a smokey atmosphere. “Yesterday” is about the narrator’s relationship with his peculiar friend and his girlfriend, “The independent Organ” is about a doctor that is constantly in romantic relationships, for short time and without engagement, with married women, “Sheherezade” contains a woman taking care of a man who can’t go out for some mysterious reason and telling him stories of her youth, “Kino” is about a man whose wife cheats on him so he leaves and opens a bar, “Samsa in love” is, well, a bug turned into a man, and “Men without women” is the narrative of a man who gets a phone call about the death of a love from his youth. I most liked “Kino”, for its emotional, fantastic ending, and “Samsa in love”, because it’s such a nice stretch of the imagination, and kind of lovely all in all. 

[dippedanddripped]

A pair of Jesus-y chestnut leather buckled sandals. A knee-length denim skirt. A single-breasted khaki coat. These are just a few of the very sensible items which you’ll find in A.P.C’s spring/summer collection. Sensible- there’s a word you won’t often find on these fashion pages. But it is precisely this determinedly practical look which has gilded the Paris-based label with the kind of longevity and popularity which many others would envy.

Jean Touitou founded Atelier de Production et de Creation, to give it its full and functional-sounding name, in 1987 as an antidote to the decadence of Eighties fashion. “What was missing back then was actual clothes,” he remembers with an air of resigned martyrdom. “People send more dreams than actual clothes down the catwalk but somebody’s got to do the job.” Dressed in a navy sweater, jeans, Birkenstock Milano sandals and a silk Saint Laurent scarf, Touitou looks part Dad-does-DIY, part Picasso.

He compares his work to that of Ringo and George in The Beatles, keeping the rhythm going to accommodate the fancy stuff. You could use one of its cotton t-shirts as a backdrop for something jazzy and ‘of the moment’, but most are in thrall to the way that A.P.C is either brilliantly boring or timelessly elegant. Not everything it offers is plain; it has some of the prettiest blouses while its bags range from minimalist half moons to chain-handled envelopes which may not be shouty exactly, but are have that frisson of Parisian cool which now carries such cachet.

Prices too are reasonable- £345 for a bag and £270 for a shirt dress- not cheap but also nowhere near the levels some labels charge for similar items. “A good idea is a mix a of many things but if no one can buy it really, it’s not a good idea in the end,” Touitou, who was part of a French Trotskyist party in his youth, muses.

Now 66-year-old Tunisia-born Touitou employs 500 people between Paris and New York with more in Asia and in 65 stores globally. His wife Judith is A.P.C’s artistic director. He was on typically philosophical form while in London last week- he has a reputation for being as outspoken as his clothes are quiet. “For me, nightclubs and parties are an abyss of sadness, whenever I go to those fashion events I feel sad, they’re so superficial,” he says in reference to the defiant mood of the ‘Bam Bam’ parties he instigated after the Paris terror attacks in 2015 where carefree enjoyment is encouraged and products are not peddled. “Everyone’s watching everyone else, no one dares to dance because you are worried about who is watching you.”

After years of hosting presentations at which he would speak, Touitou has given in to showing collections via the more traditional show format- ‘I don’t like it, it’s purely a business decision’. One reason he hates shows is the rigamarole of finding the right models and people to attend. “Casting is a war, seeing my people dealing with the booking agency is torturous. Everyone calls everyone else ‘darling’. I mean, don’t ‘darling’ me.”

He reserves most of his ire for ‘trends’ though. Do you pay attention to them, I ask. “I’m trying so hard not to be negative. Even if I did want to pay attention to trends, where would I go? I’m not being ironic, but where?” Looking on the street, in magazines, perhaps Instagram, I suggest.

‘Instagram?’ he fumes of the platform where A.P.C has nearly 1 million followers. “There is nothing trendy there. The only things which influencers influence is mediocrity. Nobody influences me on Instagram. There is something called a trend and it’s what the major people want to sell. Like the ‘Dad’ trainer, is the new It bag so boom, everyone is on the ‘Dad’ shoe because it’s the new gold mine.” He also rallies against the young designers sending him their CVs who all reference the Royal Tenenbaums and Jane Birkin. It is worth noting that amongst A.P.C’s offerings this season is a basket bag just like the ones Birkin used to carry and a pair of those trainers, although his had been in the works for three years before the trend took hold.

Touitou may have started out on his mission as an unsung hero, but a global style tribe with an appreciation for stealth luxury has grown. “When you are a minimalist, nobody comes to you and says ‘what a great coat’. That coat tells no story except that it is a great coat. I see stuff like that from the brands which I really adore like there’s this classic coat from Phoebe Philo’s last collection for Celine which is just perfect but I guess it’s not the best seller,” he bemoans. I’m not sure that’s true any more. Certainly, now that Philo is of no fixed fashion house abode, it is for people like Touitou to continue to offer perfect simplicity- which is appreciated all the more when it comes at prices we can afford.