#am gonna correct smth it's choose*

[atsu-i]

Uh... Well, I have been thinking about creating a so called "Playlist of my life", not because the songs hold any specific meaning that is attached to any of my experiences but rather more oriented towards the songs I fell in love during my life time. Two of the top 10 of those songs are: Modjo - Lady (Hear me tonight) and YUI - Life. I think the latter isn't that chill but I just can't stop listening to it after all these years. I'm fact, both songs are like 20 years old or something. Do you know them or have listened to them by any chance? :) And, uh... Sorry for over sharing again?

:0

[biggest-geo-oogami-enjoyer]

TKATB: More theories! Yay!

This most certainly will contain spoilers for Days 1 and 2 of @fantasia-kitt 's 'The Kid At The Back', along with containing mentions of material found on her Twitter (https://twitter.com/fantasia_kitt).

WILL HAVE SPOILERS! IF YOU HAVEN'T PLAYED THROUGH DAYS 1 AND 2, I RECOMMEND FINISHING THEM FIRST.

Quite a lot of these may allude to the ones I posted a week(?) ago, but my brain has brained REALLY HARD (almost as hard as when I get when I see Geo) and I think I have more ideas/more specified ideas of what could happen.

- So, I am correct in assuming the fact that the Hallow's Ball is on Day 5 (because Day 1 is in fact Monday); now this might be a stretch, in fact, it probably is, but due to the fact the Higher Class paid a visit to the school, maybe some of them might show up? Or maybe the people who bullied Brittney (think the food fight route) try to publically humiliate her or something, because something tells me she's got a lot of enemies, and something pretty bad is gonna happen to her.

- Geo is mentioned to have been disqualified due to 'accidentally' shooting an arrow at another person and it cutting their hair. Jess mentions we'd have to go 'next year' to see him partake again, so I'm gonna guess this competition is an annual thing. Maybe (and I'm assuming this as well) Geo and Hyugo were part of the Higher Class (because their dad works with the city's Founder, so that's gotta be High Class if I've ever heard it), but they were moved down. Geo is seemingly using archery to try and get selected to return back to the Higher Class, but if so, why get purposefully disqualified over almost potentially killing someone? Maybe, someone *really* pissed him off, or maybe got him sent down for whatever reason (we know Geo has daddy issues so maybe his father treats him like shit because of it) and he's subtly trying to threaten them?

- Along with that, MC wonders why he didn't get arrested. Think about it, he's got money, a lot of it. Hyugo says how corrupt this city is, their father (I believe Geo is an illegitimate child, due to the mother cheating or smth idk) probably paid the cops to not give a shit.

- Hyugo also has a LOT of connections, is often MIA, and is in the student council, so he's got influence. (Maybe adding salt to Geo's wounds indirectly?) I have a feeling he goes MIA for his syndicate activities (he has access to sleeping pills); and maybe because he's part of the council and gets stupidly high ass grades, nobody questions it. Besides, he's probably got some sketchy operations going on to maintain it all.

- With Crowe asking about Marie Antoinette, I now feel that our 'responses' to whether she was a good or horrible person are things HE did. "She was ignorant, she raved while people were starving..." - MC to Crowe when choosing the 'She was a horrible person' choice. I'll ignore the latter part for now, because that was a normal thing for rich people to do at the time. But the ignorant part is interesting. Maybe the reason Crowe is so nice (and it's not a facade, according to Fantasia herself) is because he's trying to redeem himself? Sol, if you don't skip class and let him escort you, states: "Ichabod (Crowe's surname) it's always been you. I should have dealt with him years ago..." So, maybe, at some point, Crowe had a pristine relationship with his family, mother specifically, (he doesn't anymore) and the reasoning behind this is due to the fact he believed he was superior? Maybe he was even a bully at some point? Hell, maybe he even made fun of Sol, and Sol wants to obliterate him for it. He (Crowe) was making him (Sol), and now he is trying to steal his so(u)lmate?! How fucking dare he?!

- Brittney also states that she's astonished about how Deryl has almost no friends, so I think that's incredibly fascinating, because it's true. How does a bubbly, happy jock like him get ignored by so many? Maybe because he helped Brittney (along with Jess) when she was low?

- Again, about Brittney, I feel that that frat party 2 years ago shattered her reputation, her image, everything. I bet some damaging info got spread about her and it led to her 'mysteriously' leaving the cheerleading squad, becoming more isolated and essentially (I'm assuming this) getting moved down with Jess. (Check previous one for why I think Jess got moved down as well, but tldr is she lost her shit, maybe got physical and it got her and Brittney sent to the worse school together). - On Fantasia's twitter, there's a Day 3 nsfw image of Sol essentially standing in front of a mirror with blood everywhere (ill link the slideshow that i have of every image i found/liked), anyway it's the right one on slide 9; with the caption "All I see are flaws"....so maybe if you ignore him on Day 3 and hang out with Crowe, he'll start losing his shit? Maybe thinking he isn't good enough? - Also, in the Day 2 NSFW scene, there are some prominent burn marks on Sol's back...does he get abused to this day? Does he live alone and they're scars?????? Maybe that's what he meant when he says "I've been dealt worse" in relation to the bullying? He does have history with them after all.

So. That's basically it, brain will continue to brain. Until then, ciao. (and yes the Geo fanfic is coming dw) Slides: https://docs.google.com/presentation/d/1Wb_biHRk6g1gKj0WZ5XVwEtKGjFRTapDYerlEyhYPGE/edit#slide=id.g2cffd4cd112_0_34

[hearts401]

"do NOT ask me about ggy or patient 46 because i WILL begin ranting"

You see, I am incapable of ever listening to anyone, ever, so I must ask about GGY and patient 46

I have absolutely no knowledge of modern FNaF lore; I have not read any of the books (something I plan to fix whenever my bank account stops bleeding) so you're gonna have to do some heavy lifting here and tell me all about it

Ooh boy rubs my hands together

okay so im gonna start with ggy because i love Tony and Ellis. (i dont have the book in front of me tho so this isnt gonna be 100% every detail)

GGY is about a kid named Tony Becker who has an assignment in his 6th grade english class. He has to write a fictional mystery with side plots that tie into the main plot. He chooses to do this with his two friends. They use pen names whenever they do their english projects together (sobs and wails and cries into my hands) and Tony picked Tarbell, and his friends were Boots and Dr. Rabbit (or Rab for short).

Tony wants to start working on their project, but Boots and Rab want to go to the fazcade. Tony gives in when rab backs up boots (tony sees boots as immature and worries about outgrowing him and hanging out more with rab) tony wanders around the fazcade trying to find inspo, and then notices someone named GGY with top scores on some of the games. when he asks other people about it, they tell him the scores are seemingly impossible, but when he asks a staff member, he's told they haven't been hacked.

At some point he makes an online blog to ask about it and a girl he'd talked to in the fazcade asks him to meet her. she tells him that she thinks this is more than just high scores, and that he should stay out of it.

Oh also freddy keeps watching tony and at some point begins following him.

Tony finds out that GGY has a hacked party pass (or it was like a fun pass or smth) that gives them access to much more than it should, working almost like a security card.

Tony then finds out one of the school counselors has gone missing, and he sneaks into the librarian's office to learn more about it. he finds out two other counselors have also gone missing, all of them having gone to the pizzaplex before disappearing.

tony writes his paper and gives it to Rab and Boots to look over, and when they come back the next day, they've changed it into a fantasy story. And GGY is labled as the wizard's favorite apprentice, rather than someone getting high scores on arcade games.

tony is upset with rab and boots and begins calling htem by their actual names.

Rab is Greg, Boots is Ellis.

tony is also in trouble for sneaking into the librarian's office and using her laptop, so he has detention shelving books.

Greg come and offers to take him to the pizzaplex when he's done, and it's kind of implied he killed him there.

again i have bad memory and i dont have the book in front of my so anyone can feel free to correct anythign i got wrong or missed

now onto patient 46 who's from the therapy tapes in sb.

this'll be undeniably easier because i can just listen to the tapes. patient 46 is also not confirmed to be gregory, its just a theory, so im just gonna call them 46.

its important to note that 46 does not speak.

everything here is things implied to have been nonverbally communicated to the therapist.

Tape 2:

It starts with the therapist talking about how the day is nice, but 46 doesnt like the light, so the therapist draws the blinds. she then comments on how 46 is not talking to her today, and says that she gets reviews from patients, and when 46 doesn't let her help them, she gets bad reviews. she tells 46 she could get in trouble and get put in timeout, which 46 finds funny.

Tape 4:

New therapist is here, she asks if 46 is going to talk to her, and they dont reply. she asks whats wrong, and they gesture to the flowers. the therapist comments on them being particularly fragrant and moves them. The therapist then comments on 46 staring at something, and says they're "amazingly alert." she says shed like to have 46 tell her about themself, but 46 does not. the therapist instead chooses to look through their notes. she also comments on the chair not fitting 46, but its not specified if its too big or too small. she then asks if 46 is bothered by a new therapist, but 46 doesnt seem surprised or confused at all. the therapist says shes surprised by whats in 46's notes. she says they have a "rebellious side" and a knack for computers, and explains the word phenom to them. the tape ends with her asking if 46 considers themself a hacker

tape 6:

new therapise again! she tells 46 shes already read their files and knows what theyve worked on. 46 asks for a candy, and she gives one to them, taking one for herself as well. she says she wants to start with 46's parents, and claims it was tragic but she doesnt think 46 has processed it emotionally. she says they wrote it like they had read it off of a book. (her exact words are they wrote an objective rather than a subjective narrative, but 46 didnt know what that meant.) she says 46 spends a lot of time alone and is good at self-dialogue, which she explains is "asking urself questions and getting answers" she tells them to try asking themself how they feel about what happened to them. she tells them to let themself be upset about it so they can let it go.

tape 8:

same therapist as 6! she asks 46 if theyve thought about what they talked about. 46 had told them their past had made them sad and scared. the therapist asks if they had written down exactly what made them feel that way. she then says she works with many people who respond to tragedy differently. she asks 46 if their fantasies would be different had this tragedy not happened to them.

Tape 13:

new therapist again! she says when shes getting to know a client, she likes to find out abt their hobbies. when she doesnt get a reply, she asks if they like sports. 46 tells her they like to watch sports, but not play them. and that they like to stay inside. the therapist then reluctantly tells 46 that their previous therapists have gone missing. except one who was found dead, and they said her body looked to be mangled by machinery. the therapist also comments that 46 doesn't look concerned about it. she jokes about watching her back, which 46 finds funny.

Tape 14:

same therapist as 13. she asks if 46 knows about the pizzaplex, and says the technicians who work there know them. theyve seen what they think is 46 on the security cameras. they say 46 was accused of hacking their systems. the therapist says that the hacks are causing tons of problems, but that there's no solid proof it was 46, and 46 finds it funny that the techs are having issues. she says she finds it weird that 46 would spend time in such a busy, crowded place despite their loner attitude. she asks if its the electronics that 46 likes. she also says theyve designed programs that talk to them and repeat phrases. she says it asks them questions and prompts for responses, like their own little therapist. she said at first she had thought they were talking to themself, but it seems more like they were talking to someone else. she asks who it was.

Tape 15:

same therapist as 13+14. she starts with asking if 46 wants to do an ink blot test. she shows them an image, and 46 asks to hold it. 46 says it reminds them of a mask. the therapist asks if 46 likes the idea of being disguised, and how they make you invisible. she says being invisible lets you get away with anything, and asks 46 if they like that idea. she then moves on to something else, telling 46 that it seems theyve been talking to someone else. she says the techs think that its someone trying to lure 46 away, or manipulate them. the therapist moves to where she can see 46's eyes, and says she got something different from the communications. she accuses 46 of manipulating someone, rather than being manipulated. she says they were recorded on the security cameras with someone else. she says that it looks like the person theyre with has rabbit ears, which 46 finds amusing.

Tape 16:

Same therapist as 13+14+15. she says shes gotten another message from the pizzaplex that says that theres a glitch in the system that makes the animatronics more eerie than entertaining. she says the glitch spread system-wide and infected all the machines. she also says it was traced back to 46. she says the glitch broadcasted a dangerous message. she also says that when the techs were trying to fix it, the source shifted. she says that the glitch changed from a glitch and became a set of sub-routines that were made to do exactly what the glitch was doing. (which basically means it stopped just being a glitch and became part of the system?? i think?? idk shit abt computers bruh) when 46 does not reply, she presses, saying she is on their side and wont tell anyone what is told to her during the session and that the techs have no proof it was 46, so theyre not in trouble. when 46 doesnt reply still, she brings up their past. 46 refuses to look at her, but she continues. she says it doesnt matter if they look at the floor, because nothing they told her about their parents was true. she says they had great parents, and a great childhood. she asks 46 why they lied, and tells them to look at her. she then says she understands why 46 would be upset about the confrontation, and says they can come back to this another day. the last line she says is "you're shaking your head like that's not going to happen."

UHM YEAH IM NORMAL ABOUT THEM LOL.

i have a lot of thoughts on both of these parts and i personally believe 46 is Gregory. but if i dumped all my thoughts we'd be here all day so have this long ass explanation instead

[crossover-enthusiast]

I noticed smth djndbdjd

so, if HYPOTHETICALLY and NOT CANONICALLY (please please please please I don't want her to be dead) John's daughter, hope, was dead (which I am going to choose to believe she is alive until the words "my daughter died" are spoken /hj) then the thing he would have lost is hope, both literally and metaphorically.

Dexter's mom also lost her child, and if John's daughter was dead (WHICH I AM CHOOSING TO HOPE THAT SHE ISNT), they both would have lost their (what appears to be) only child

And in the episode, Dexter's mom says that the only thing she has left is hope, which idk it seems like a parallel between them, yk? Like maybe it's a coincidence how she worded that, but it seemed like a parallel between Michelle and john

Ohhhhh I hate how correct this sounds

Does that mean John's gonna die in a fire like Hope did??

[georgekirrin]

I am seeking your headcanons for Jim from OFMD! I feel like you have Good Takes on them

Okay I am sitting here eating my silly little bowl of pasta and smiling like a goofball about my silly little blorbo so let's go!

Uhh I guess first of all the way they say "yeah... I guess. I dunno" while looking more uncomfortable than they do over the rest of the series when asked if they're a woman is so relatable so like. clearly they have a history of being told they're a girl and being asked was so unusual they defaulted to what they'd been told was the "correct" answer and then actually had to think about it

So yeah I think they probably expressed confusion or even outright distress as a child, maybe comparing themself to their brother? And asking what the difference was? Idk, but they got told over and over "this is the way things are, shut up and accept it

And I think that ties in with their relationship to Nana, being told that they have to dedicate their whole life to the concept of revenge and not given opportunity to form their own opinion, it's very much the same situation, and whichever happened first, or as they happened concurrently, kind of cemented the idea in their head that they just have to shut up and take what they're handed

(I'm no longer smiling and my pasta is finished 😭 lets carry on)

So ya Olu is clearly very good for them, not just because he's a wonderful sweetheart, but because he wants to hear their opinions and talk things through (as a crew!) and he might weigh in but ultimately he's supportive of what they choose

Okay getting more lighthearted, Jim is so clearly That Bitch, they're such a dramatic little fucker I love them. Did they have to spend their whole time on The Revenge in disguise? No! They could have just had a disguise in the Republic of Pirates and chilled on the ship but as I said. They're That Bitch. Future fuckeries Jim is gonna be so involved and they're gonna upstage Stede and it'll be glorious

And I think to some extent they're going to bring that 110% dedication and energy to their relationship with Olu, he's A Thing They Have Decided To Care About, and while it may not be obvious to anyone else, they're gonna be so flirty and in love and every time they elbow him in the side or smth he'll be blushing because he knows it's a declaration of love

(I have plenty of n/s/f/w headcanons but I won't derail your ask Emmett)

Ahem, moving on, as much as I love the Jim Izzy friendship, I think that he has begrudging respect for their knife skills but they find him baffling and therefore unsettling, because if they can't be sure what the angry shrimp of a man will do next, how can they be safe?

With regards to sailing, I think they'd be really good at scrambling around in the rigging. I love heights and also Jim so I'm gonna project that onto them. Okay next topic.

Lucius and Jim I have some thoughts about, but the one I'll say is that I think they overheard Lucius' "wouldn't it be crazy if I was suddenly like, into jim" and that contributed to their gender musings in some way because they liked that the gay dude found them hot despite having just found out their whole situation and oop actually maybe there's something to explore here?

And it's time to jump to another train of thought (I'm so sorry this is so disjointed I'm literally just throwing thoughts at the screen in the order they appear in my head) Jim is the proud owner of one of the few brain cells on The Revenge but, and this is key, they can put it down whenever they want. They give it to Oluwande for safekeeping and he has to chase them across the ship to make them stop competing with the ship's cat to see who can catch more mice or whatever daft situation they've got into

This is very long and I have no idea if any of these are good takes, I simply have many thoughts about Jim Jim okay thank you goodbye

[girlbenshapiro]

ok this is a genuine question that nobodys refuted to me yet -

so it seems most Similar Ideologies are saying gender =/= concept, gender = sex, therefor declaring me female

im not gonna open that can of worms but i can at least follow the logic if nothing else

now what i DONT understand is being shamed for choosing how to treat my body

like straight up people are trying to tell me i cannot/should not use hormones, also trying REALLY hard to tell me i hate myself even though what im doing is literally bringing euphoria??

and like. if i am female, as most Ppl Of Similar Ideologies are insisting, why do they get to tell me what to do with my female body?

to me that just sounds like theyre trying to control women, which im 99% sure is the exact opposite of what theyre trying to achieve

like genuinely correct me if im wrong, bc i cant quite get a grasp on how that works out

tbh i find shaming anyone for their choices, my roommate and bestie is on hrt, thats a choice for someones dysphoria.

im detrans and i spent a lot of time on t and it was incredibly helpful for my dysphoria but ive found peace that makes me more comfortable without the medical risks

i think its possible to be against something in principle while not condemning those who do it

my views arent everyones but like if someones gonna do smth there no use in denying them that autonomy within reason

[feelitstillmp3]

i was going to dump this into @time-and-space​‘s inbox, but then it spiraled out of control and became super long. so im making it into a post. heres some thinking abt doctor who/torchwood/class/merlin parallels ! (specifically abt the parallels between tenrose/janto/charlie x matteusz/merthur) (keep in mind that my knowledge on merlin is not so good) (also feel free to correct me if im wrong or add anything on) (also this contains spoilers for ... all the shows. pls watch them, theyre good)

ive been thinking about the whole theme between charlie and matteusz where theyre like ?? scared to lose each other ?? and how it totally parallels to the other things like .... we have one character whos different and immortal and alien (not to mention the trauma they've been through-), but another who is supposedly "normal" and human. so, they work with it right ?

but then theres the ever-present danger of what they have to go through daily, and the fear that its going to leave them alone. i mean, they've already been left alone, but now that they've actually fallen in love, its different. its harder now.

consider the following lines:

"i think of it every day, and the only thing that stops me is you." (class, e6) 

"i take it all back, but not him!"(torchwood, s3e4) (theres probably a better quote but no think, head empty)

"i could save everyone, but lose you." (doctor who, uhhh idk but i swear the doctor said something like it at some point, pls correct me if im wrong)

and yes, theyve felt this before, the pain of their entire race being wiped out, no one left but them, and everyone seems to leave them in the end. but for one second, they stop and actually think they have a chance for a while. someone who might stay.

ALSO it works as like .... the normal person is scared of the other, scared of what they can do and how they are ....

consider the following lines:

"im afraid of who you are, of what you're capable of, of what you will do" (class e6)

"you like to think you're a hero, but you're the biggest monster of all." (s1e4)

"what about you, doctor? what the hell are you changing into?" (doctor who, s1e6)

the person who has been through so much is capable of doing so many things, and sometimes it scares the other one. but they witnessed genocide ! and theyre probably traumatized over it ! theyve probably done some terrible shit as a result of it ! both of them are so valid in being that way.

and another parallel i have just thought of, mentioned a lot already, but the recurring theme of killing off an entire race and how that affected the alien character ....

consider the following situations:

doctor who - the time war, in which the doctor participated, and eventually ended. // when 9 was planning to kill off the last of the daleks in the parting of ways, hesitating for a bit, knowing that it would end up destroying earth in the process, making them no better than what the daleks are

torchwood - jack's planet and how it got invaded, how his parents died as a result and why his brother did everything that happened in exit wounds. // ummm i think maybe how willingly jack was able to give the girl up to the fairies to save the human race, like hes seen what the fairies are capable of, hes seen what disasters mass murder can bring. he doesnt want to see it again. 

class - well, the shadowkin invasion, both on rhodia and when it happens on earth (both times) but also the invasion with the flowers ? // how much he really wants to just kill the shadowkin like ! he even mentioned it once ("i want to murder the shadowkin. every last one ...." e6) and he just wants to do it out of revenge. but “we shouldnt avenge genocide with genocide” (we're not going to talk abt how the only thing stopping him is that he would lose matteusz in the process)

but yeah ! theyve seen first hand what it like, and when prompted to do the same thing themselves, they end up hesitating, eventually choosing the other option instead. (well... except charlie. he does it once at least.) 

and finally, immortality. this ties in a lot w my first point abt losing the other person .....

doctor who - pretty easy to think about, the doctor has had so many companions over the years, and each time they end up leaving them. even after he meets rose, who wished to stay together forever ("how long are you gonna stay with me?" "forever.") but then she ends up leaving, the doctor is left to continue on for so much longer ..

torchwood - pretty same as above, jack never commits himself to a relationship, he knows everyone will leave him anyway. but then he meets ianto jones. and it all changes, he falls in love, which he said he would never do, and thats why he doesnt ever say "i love you," because once he says it then he cant deny it any longer. once he says it than he will have to admit that ianto, someone that he does love, is lost to him.

class - ok, charlie isnt technically immortal from what i know, but i am assuming he probably has a longer lifespan than humans (basing this off this line - "you want to know who would be the last one standing out of the five of us? i would." e6) so ! its mentioned a lot (and is the main theme, as i said earlier) that matteusz and charlie dont want to lose each other. i want to specifically point out the line “every day i think, please dont go where i cant follow.” (e8) because it just so implies that charlie is different. he can go places, live longer than matteusz ever can. 

going to add this onto the end here, but i just thought that actually merlin kinda fits into this too ! 

loss - the loss of his father, of his one childhood friend (will?), the knights of the round table (pretty sure a lot of them die too, correct me if im wrong) and even arthur who leaves in the end. everyone around him just seems to leave or turn bad 

fear - we all know merlin is powerful, right ? i mean i swear it says somewhere hes like ... the greatest sorcerer to ever live or smth. and yes, arthur doesnt technically fear him, but if we think about what would have happened if merlin revealed his magic earlier, when camelot was still under the rule of uther and arthur was still scared of ppl w magic .... idk abt this one ndjnsjd it works in my head okay

trauma - had to get some help from @a-confused-contradictory-mess​ here and she brought up some good points ! when he was younger, because of his magic, he never really fit in. his mother made him hide, because she feared what would happen if he found out. (i ... think?) imagine what that does to someone, having to hide something about yourself for so long.

immortality - after everyone leaves around him, theres kinda no escape. he has to live with it for all the years that his immortal life goes by. this ties in a lot w how jack and the doctor feel, with everyone around them making them left all alone. 

tldr: losing the one person they always thought would stay, one being scared of the other's power, the trauma affecting one of them, immortality and the price that comes w it are all some really good parallels between these ships/shows and genuinely kill me inside

[idfkwhatimdoingeither]

so uh that festival was something

Tommy chose Tubbos side. okay. yeah.

but uhm,,,,"the discs mean more to me than you could ever" or smth along the lines of that

that uh....yeah. like jesus. but they're gonna talk it out tomorrow. that's good.

also??? Techno and Dream ??? teaming??? FUCK YEAH. like I hate dream (the character, not the actual person. the person I very much like and I also like his character, but in the way I like azula from atla. because he'sa good villain, but I don't like his character in the way that I wouldn't be friendswith him) and I love techno (both character and person) cause yeah anarchy! but holy they're gonna be powerful

and still,,,,the fucking favor

what is it gonna be??? it must have to do with killing someone

or wait. it has to be something he wouldn't do otherwise.

maybe go against or kill Phil??

and shit. Sapnap. please. don't go back to dream. I beg of you.

do we trust punz? do we??

like I would love for him to be morally correct and all but he does shit for a prize. this could easily be some of dreams scheme

AND OMG ARE WE GETTING SOME KIND OF NIKKI VILLAIN ARC?? I'D PAY MONEY FOR THAT

SHE DESERVES ONE. AS A TREAT. tho I'm sad she genuinely doesn't trust tommy or just in general people actually thought that tommy would have done that to the community house.

but what I find important is, tommy is right. they didn't visit him in exile. they don't know what dream did to him. they think dream is just that way when tommy/they do something wrong

anyways, ranboo and eret are right. they shouldn't be able to choose sides because there shouldn't BE any sides

idk if I'm like a ranboo apologist now, since idk if that exists but if it does I am 100% a ranboo apologist. but what my point is, he isn't a traitor. yes he did help techno and tommy BUT he is right. he shouldn't have to choose sides. just like him and eret said, they should do what's good for a country, they should do what's good for everyone/the greater good

and since I AM a techno apologist, I don't think that what he's doing is wrong. yes he wants to destroy l'manburg but that's not new. he's for anarchy and always was, has always made that clear

but anyway, I'm excited about tomorrow. at 3PM in dreams timezone (idk which one that is, if someone knows please do tell me since I wanna know at what time the techno and dream attack is in my timezone)

I think someone's gonna die and I mean full on die, like last life gone. most likely tommy or tubbo but who knows. I thought one (or more like both because I'd like to imagine it like a romeo and juliet kinda situation where when one of them dies, the other kills himself cause he doesn't want to be without the other (DISCLMAIMER: I do NOT ship them, never will and DO NOT condone shipping them. if you do, you are disgusting. they're not only minors but also said they're uncomfortable with that. get off my blog if you do, basically DNI (DNI = do not interact) and please stop. again, they're NOT comfortable with that and have mentioned that more than they should have. I mean the romeo and juliet thing in a platonic way, because you know how close they are))

anyways, I can't wait for tomorrow and I'm very happy that online school is here now too because that means I can watch the streams and still sleep!

and honestly I would be a lot sadder if I couldn't watch any streams because I find a lot of comfort and serotonin form the streams. I mean, as I'm writing this, I am watching one of my comfort streamers quackity's roblox with tommy (another comfort streamer of mine) stream

[floraisann]

ateez reaction: you’re addicted to animal crossing: new horizons

➣ requested? ✓

➣ genre: fluff, humor

➣ masterlist

sorry that some of these are kinda dry 😔 i am try

❅♩♬♩❅――

❥ kim hongjoong:

lets you do your thing tbh

you’ll probably just be vibing in the living room with the switch hooked up to the tv and everything’s great when hongjoong just,,,, moves his work over without saying anything

you’re just ???? and he’s just :)))) the “just another tuesday” grin, you know?

after long enough if you ask him why he moved, he just says he “likes the soundtrack” like bro we do be bopping to the animal crossing ost out here in this quarantine joint

watches you play, only making comments when a villager says something REALLY cursed

really likes marshal— he’s funny

not the type to hate villagers either except chops, fuck chops

once yunho shows him how the custom qr code outfit designs work you’re about to have the most stylish lil mayor that ever roamed the earth

probably also borrows your switch to make your town jingle

overall is just confused by the game dynamic, but likes the music and how happy it’s making you :)

you’re gonna have to put the switch down on your own honey, he’s too caught up in bopping to the music while doing his own work to realize you’ve been playing for eight hours

❥ park seonghwa

has the game too, probably bought it for you so you could build “couple islands” and be THAT cute gamer couple

still probably nags you for gaming too hard if too many hours pass and you’re ignoring basic needs to like,,,, get lolly on your island or something of the sort

but lolly’s cute give him 5 mins to fall in love w god cat

sends you cute in-game love letters when you’re headass six feet away from each other in real time

but it’s ok they’re cute and he likes making you blush

brings his pretty flowers to your island he also steals yours but that’s okay

dumbfounded by your blatant aggression towards certain villagers

offers to “trade” villagers with you to make you happy and marshal scares him please take marshal from him

yes he’ll bring you cute snacks as if you were studying

overall happy that you found something you enjoy together, but will make you take frequent breaks so you don’t put off whatever you actually have to do too much

❥ jeong yunho

didn’t get the hype at first. bought the game since he thought it had to be super fun if you were ignoring him for hours at a time to go bug catching LMFAO

yet when he downloads it there’s a catch

mr epic gamer, unlike you, has the luck of a god and generates an actual island paradise and probably gets a ton of shooting star fragments too 😔✊🏻

you’re the one stealing from his island, but it’s okay he loves you 💕

and he doesn’t quite understand the game yet

gives you star fragments because you can’t get any and he doesn’t want you all sad because you can’t make a wand!!

has all the cute villagers, but if any try to move will give them to you

pays off your tom nook debt because with his luck it probably takes him less than an hour to get filthy rich in game

also figures out the qr code outfits early on. yes he’ll try to make you one, yes he’ll make himself match

overall, he gets the game because of you but does it better because it’s yunho why wouldn’t he xoxo

still makes sure you’re doing what you need to before you go off to work on your island for six hours; the type to offer game rewards he magically obtains as a prize for you after you finish your daily work

oh to be jeong yunho

❥ kang yeosang

the president of the epic gamer club

probably persuaded you to buy it with him so he could rob your island of all your goods

makes you both reset the game until your islands both have good items but are different

so he can steal your fruit :D

“y/n, you— no, restart. you can’t have peach trees, i already have peach trees!”

“dates” where you guys lie on his bed with your consoles, literally just exploring each other’s islands

y’all practically end up sharing two islands. that’s how much you play together

invites you to go raid the other members’ islands

cursed humor carries into the game; like he’ll send you crackhead mail when you least expect it and the content WILL be something that’s only funny because it’s Yeosang

“you make me so incredibly happy, y/n. almost as happy as when tom nook first handed me my nookphone. almost”

celebrates with you when you’re both rid of the ugly villagers

overall impartial to your obsession, rather he’s glad he has someone to steal from share with

still will make you take breaks with him. he loves that you’ve got a pretty island but you need to take care of yourself sweetie

if you don’t listen he will randomly come on your island to beat you up with a shovel xoxo yeosang luvs u 😘

❥ choi san

would not mind the game at all if it weren’t making you IGNORE HIS NEED FOR CUDDLES >:(

tbh san would probably whine about being attention starved for an eternity 15 mins until he realizes his whining isn’t working, and he has no choice but to cuddle up to you while letting you do your thing

by that i mean he’s backseat gamer all the way, no i do not accept criticism

he’d probably just plop down next to you and cuddle into your side or lay on top of you— just positioning himself in some way that he can see your gameplay

the type to cling to you while you play while bothering you until you accept his game opinions as fact

can and will make you kick out the villagers he thinks are ugly

“i just want you to kick that smelly limberg out, is that really too much to ask?”

probably spent 10 minutes absolutely losing his shit over the animal crossing language

“WHY ARE THEY TALKING IN KEYBOARD SMASH?”

takes the next half hour to learn how to speak it

so next time you play too long and ignore him, will shut off your switch then lay down on you and scream acnh villager language gibberish in your EAR

"you didn’t have a problem with that voice three hours ago when you were talking to that cat rosie!!” :(

if you really ignore him and never stop playing NOTHING is stopping him from being dramatic and saying smth like “y/n, i can’t take this anymore! choose, me or him!”

“him” is tom nook

why the fuck would you pick tom nook

❥ song mingi

knows the game is popular but wasn’t bothered to try playing

so when he sees you, curled up on the couch in the same position he saw you two hours ago just with one less family sized bag of chips, he quietly sighs to himself and sits next to you

“is the game really that interesting?”

when you nod, he ends up like san and kind of chills with you, backseat gaming mode

except he isn’t yelling at you to kick out the ugly villagers, he can already see you trying on your own

gets shocked when the first tarantula appears and you get bitten

occasionally gives input on what he thinks you can do to have a better island

makes you go on an island tour so he can see what you headass just spent the last week making

actually is impressed by how much work you put into your virtual island

congrats! you’ve unlocked an achievement! : gaming livestream date for song mingi

will decide for himself who the cutest villager is then act cute and ask if he looks like them. it’s probably gonna be kid cat. tell him he does. please, Tell Him he looks like kid cat

basically i don’t think he’d be that put off by you getting addicted to the game because!!! acnl is the most relaxing game ever he likes to watch you while he unwinds after a long day

if you play too long though he won’t really say much, just sit by you pouting like :(((( “lov me”

pls love him, the big babie 🥺

❥ jeong wooyoung

another member that probably has the game, but isn’t as obsessed as you

will beg you for shooting star fragments if you get any though. please get this man a wand

does not get WHY you’re trying so hard on your island layout. literally only wants one villager, his island can go to shit so long as he has that one villager

that one villager is probably gonna be molly or something

another member who learns how to imitate animal crossing speak, except his voice is already in the correct pitch

makes fun of you complaining about a villager you hate but it all comes back to bite him in the ass once moose shows up on his island and he gets it

you guys are having a competition to see who can get sprinkle on your island first

spoiler alert: he wins, he stole her from seonghwa

(he steals a lot from seonghwa)

overall happy with the fact that you guys have a game to play together

but if you grind too hard on your own and ignore him for hours at a time can and will invade your island to steal your fruit and trample your flowers. AND send you spam mail

sorry

❥ choi jongho

doesn’t care for the game, and he’s mostly chill too so he’ll probably just vibe in the other room while you play, waiting for you to finish so he can do something with you

comes out a few hours later when you’re (still) lying on the couch, angrily button mashing while muttering curses to yourself

he’s really confused tbh, he’s seen yeosang play, he knows you don’t gotta go that hard to be a successful mayor, so he HAS to ask what the fuck you’re so mad about

“i’m TRYING to catch a blittering at the moment, but i keep getting these stupid carps!!! i have a debt to pay off, god!!”

becomes infinitely more amused with the game after that point

he thinks its so funny how someone could get heated while playing through probably the most relaxing game ever

watches you fish; he enjoys the puns and seeing you get frustrated when you keep catching those goddamn carps

probably takes the switch from you at one point to try his hand at it and catches a koi fish in his first five minutes

“i guess you just suck at fishing, y/n”

overall pretty unbothered by your love for the game until you start ignoring him

then he will threaten your in-game apples, saying he’s .2s away from stealing one of his members’ switches just to brawl with your trees

and we all know who’s gonna win between jongho and apples

[quinintheclouds]

Thoughts on Putting Others First: SvS Redux as they come to me

AN HOUR LONG?!?!?! Y E S THANK YOU

I am LOVING this opening art style. The way it shows all the things Thomas could say and shuts them each down, the silliness tying in perfectly to the video game setting, the way we could SO STRONGLY empathize with Thomas despite him not saying anything. Well done!

“Eff friends, Patton!” Patton and I made the exact same gasp and noise at the same time in reaction to that dsjfhljdhg

Lookit Thomas’ lil vest awww <3

ROMAN WITH THE PUNS I LOVE IT APPRECIATE HIM

rhymes

rhymes

they’re rhyming is this gonna be

A SONG!!!

(Logan off somewhere watching all of this: “You guys are doing a RAP? Without ME? .....Unacceptable”)

Seriously poor Logan being left out BOTH TIMES despite clearly having excellent points on the matter

But I’m loving this Patton/Roman dynamic being explored in this way. They have a lotta similarities but the differences are really standing OUT so far and I like it! Also it looks like Roman isn’t gonna just shut up and do whatever Patton says out of fear that he’s a bad person/bad for Thomas this time. I’m glad they’re both getting a chance to talk cause they aren’t exactly taken seriously a lot of the time.

RETURN OF THE BLINDFOLD METAPHOR followed by Roman saying “in Patton’s defense...” so they like, KNOW what Deceit meant about the blindfold? Were they playing dumb? Or do they just suddenly get it now that it’s coming from Thomas?

Ok this Feral Cat Story of Roman’s is too specific for me to dismiss and now I’m convinced either Remus brought a shitton of cats home one day and they just flooded their house/rooms, or Patton brought home a bunch of cats out of love and didn’t realize he couldn’t take care of em...either way that’s an adorable anecdote

The car jump line that Patton took literally is just making me miss Logan even more :(

I’m glad they’re giving context to the relationship between Thomas and Mary Lee & Lee! A lot of fander questions and opinions circled back to “well it depends how close they were” so it was smart of them to fill us in.

“those baby-makin’ catholics”

6:45 Patton has clearly thought through a lot of possible outcomes to talking to Lee and Mary Lee before going to the wedding... he never brought them up, even when Roman did and then Deceit did. But he’s bringing up points no one had addressed, and I think that’s a great way to put more intensity to Patton’s apology to Thomas for lying back in SvS pt 1. He hid a lot more than he let on. Man, how much guilt is this poor man feeling right now? :(

“Talking about it could have been harmful” I’m very intrigued by the parallels between Patton wanting to keep things from Thomas’ friends to protect their feelings in this episode and SvS, and Deceit disguised as Patton in CLBG trying to get Thomas to... keep things from his friend to protect their feelings...

WOAH “But was it worth it? I don’t--” “No.” Thomas cutting Roman off with that much certainty DAMN Thomas REGRETS going to the wedding HARD and also is agreeing with Roman finally??

Patton: “sometimes you can make all the good choices, and still not get the good ending.” Thomas: “I’m not even sure there was a good ending to get.” Roman: “Mmmm, I’m pretty sure there was.” There is so much to unpack here oh my gosh.

WOAH WOAH WOAH WHAT??? DAMN THOMAS CAME FOR PATTON WHAT ON EARTH??? Patton: “I think we can all agree that you are a good fellow.” Thomas: Can we? ALL? Agree on that?” Patton: *sputtering noises*

Poor Patton... I mean they’re right but gosh I feel for him. He wants so badly for Thomas to be a good person and he realizes now how strict and unyielding he’s been, and wants to not do that but doesn’t know how to be more lenient without sacrificing integrity cause that’s his JOB and he doesn’t know how to do it better aaaa this is such a mood

MUSIC IS THERE ANOTHER SONG COMING?

Return of the bagel. Except this time it’s Roman guessing/wanting the bagel and Patton being like “what? no?”

ok not a song but video game style is back!!

“ugh you’re such a dad” I love it

Patton just made more puns and Roman omg “Like, you’re SUCH a dad that like it’s too much to handle sometimes”

I am loving this whole scene jdfhjadshg Patton ily and I relate

Thomas and Roman teaching Patton how to come up with imaginary scenarios skjfklsjdfh

Sondheim wrecking Leslie Odom Jr is such a hilarious visual

Ok all three of them are peak dumbass and I’m so here for it (like they’re smart and all but they’re peak dumbass)

Daaaamn Patton is letting out so much this episode. Like he’s been holding back but wowie. R: “Just like how you didn’t HAVE to give him a hotdog” P: *sucks air through his teeth* “I feel like you kinda do though?” YES PLEASE let’s discuss the concept of obligation in morality again!!! Where’s Logan when you need him? Or Deceit even? (I feel like D’s gonna show up later but I wanna hear Logan’s thoughts this time too)

Patton: You can disagree! But... it’d kinda be wrong?

LOGAN POPUP! Ok fine if he isn’t in the ep at least he pops up in a lil dialogue box on screen. Also he popped up to support Patton... neat!

“It’s just me, Logan. I’ve taken this form because I didn’t want to be too...invasive.” POOR LOGAN NO YOU’RE NOT INVADING ANYTHING YOU HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO BE HERE! Also Roman getting scared by the popup while Patton just waves happily like he always does upon seeing Logan aww

Okay I am getting serious DOPAMINE from Logan talking. Like, he’s spittin’ FACTS. Something about the way he talks is so interesting and soothing and makes me so excited to LEARN. Roman mockingly mouthing ‘behoove’ had me snort though XD

LOGAN AND I WERE IN UNISON HELL YEAH! Patton was all like ooh you’re sharing your lil factoids! And Logan and I at the same time corrected, “Facts,” and proceeded to state the definition of factoids (we worded it differently but yeah as usual Logan is on my wavelength)

Logan’s sprite getting so disappointed at Thomas’ interruption joke jgdkjghks he looks so DONE

OML I LOVE LOGAN’S DIALOGUE BOX TALKING TOO FAST FOR THEM TO READ THIS IS SO ACCURATE

Oof Thomas finally feeling like he GETS it and Patton being like yeah but not if you’re doing it bc you want to feel  good tho... (also that’s the same argument Deceit made in SvS pt1??? I’m confused by Patton/Deceit’s functions lately and I’m very invested)

Oh ok Thomas just brought up that very point haha

“we all agreed the right thing to do was go to the wedding” um are u sure about that

“I was wrong” PATTON CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT?? I know Logan has the reputation of not being able to admit when he’s wrong (which isn’t true -- he doesn’t like to but he has done so countless times...well not literally countless but you understand my meaning), but Patton rarely is in a situation where he has to, so this is jarring in a hopefully good way. Istg if this is Deceit disguised as Patton again I’ll be so disappointed... I feel like the writers wouldn’t do that though

Patton: says smth deceit said. Roman: and you...agree? Patton: Definitely! I mean uh maybe? (WHAT IS HAPPENING INSIDE PATTON’S HEAD RN SO MUCH TURMOIL)

Roman: “I’m not an expert in the... moral medium” Thomas:  “Go ahead Roman, we wanna hear what you have to say.”  Patton: *halfhearted gestures and noises for roman to go ahead* jashfjdh he’s trying so hard

AWWWW they’re validating Roman so much I love it

“whomstsoever” ok I take it back roman’s not valid

I adore Logan’s popup fun facts, and him giving definitions for Roman’s vocabulary reminds me how much the two of them love writing and poetry and language aaaa

Patton trying not to be harsh is somehow 10x harsher than he normally is

oh wow that got real.

I know I’ve said this but I love logan’s insertions... but I do wish he got to say them out loud like earlier :/ Pausing to read them is less fun than hearing him talk.

oh wow that got real part 2

I want. So badly. To jump into this video and debate Patton on the nature of morality and what “the right thing is.” Roman you’re not being dumb, you’re bringing up excellent points and you’re valid again.

Oh no Patton... empathy is not morality... please please address that there are people who can’t experience empathy and choose to be moral and good

THE  TROLLEY PROBLEM HERE! WE! GO!

Logan’s popups bc he doesn’t want to “be too invasive” and making them optional to read hurts my heart :( He knows Patton, Roman, and Thomas aren’t reading any of it but he doesn’t want to be too much so he stays silent. Why?? Logan it’s okay! Why is this a thing now but not in the last 2 episodes? What happened to Logan :(

OOOOOOH Patton didn’t flip the switch :o Interesting! Daaaamn he’s arguing to let 5 people die rather than flip the switch so only one dies

LOGAN’S TEXTBOX WAS SO BIG AND FAST IT KNOCKED PATTON OVER I CANNOT BREATHE hang on I gotta read it

HE’S TALKING ABOUT DEONTOLOGY YES LOGAN THANK YOU FOR TELLING PATTON WHAT I PHYSICALLY CANNOT please tell me you’ll talk about utilitarianism and moral particularism next

Okay he used consequentialism but it’s close enough to utilitarianism that the outcome is the same. (Do you get it? Do you like my joke about how the outcome is most important? When we’re talking about-- oh you got it already? Good, moving on.)

DID ROMAN JUST FJCKING KILL LOGAN

“I’m okay, figment of your imagination, so.” Okay so CAN the Sides get hurt or can’t they?? Cause Patton clearly got bonked, roman got hit in the eye with paper and said ow, but logan got hit in the head with a throwing star and had his teeth ripped out and he was totally fine?

 Thomas is being so HONEST with himself so early in the episode, wow this is refreshing and I’m hype

AW YAY Patton called textbox Logan in to help with philosophy yay :’)

Logan: “Pity seems to be at the center of your idea of ‘putting good into the world’” first, Logan doing a voice impression of Nietzsche is GOLD, and second.... I wish they’d let him finish cause I was waiting for a “but” cause Logan siding with Nietzsche on this one feels... wrong? Like I could see Dee bringing it up or Logan using it in an argument only to continue with a contradicting philosophy but Logan equating empathy to pity... idk I thought he’d grown more than to think that :/ Actually I don’t think he ever saw it that way. It feels out of character but I’m guessing he had more to say to debunk that.

HOLY SHIT PATTON SKIPPED ALL THE REST OF LOGAN’S DIALOGUE AND YEETED HIM OFF THE SCREEN bruh he may have been right and he should’ve gotten to say it >:(

ROMAN ISTG DO NOT TRY AND MAKE THIS YOUR FAULT

I SAID DON’T

GODDAMMIT

sjfkdjgjsh okay aww Thomas good job, Patton too. Thank god they’re being nice to him

Patton is having a breakdown holy heckity about time

damn Patton is freaking HARSH

“I have a difference in opinion on this one, Patton” Thomas: *relieved sigh whisper* “ohhh thank you, Logan” YES APPRECIATE THE BOY YES YES I LOVE HIM why are they looking around like he isn’t making sense?

LOGAN YES! CALL HIM OUT! LET THOMAS VALUE HIMSELF AND PUT HIMSELF FIRST SOMETIMES! “Every point you’ve made in today’s discussion has contradicted that sentiment.” I love you but also you sound a lil like deceit... very lawyer-y and feels calculated like he’s been keeping notes for this purpose... I want deceit and logan to debate already damn it. Maybe it’s just that Logan’s inflections feel reminiscent of Deceit to show...something?

Ok can I just say that Logan gets so much rep for his strictness or high standards but he’s been SO GOOD about that lately and him teaching about the importance of leisure and self-care and freedom in your life and self-esteem and valuing yourself like you do with others... not even just this  video -- he’s been like this in the last few as well and these recent episodes remind me of early Logan (esp My Negative Emotions)  and that makes my heart so so happy.

Continuation of the above, compare this to how Logan acted in Why Bed? with regards to Roman. Roman advocated for leisure time and following dreams, while Logan had a schedule that optimized productivity and health. Now he’s taking a similar stance to Roman and asserting the importance of these things... WHY is so much of Logan’s character development OFFSCREEN?? I wanna know what made him switch on this! Maybe just cause he’s listening to roman from why bed?

Why is Logan being so abrasive? He sounds like his intent is more to disprove Patton rather than state what he actually thinks... not a fan of that but he’s not wrong

WOAH WOAH TOTAL PATTON BREAKDOWN WHAT HAPPENED WHAT THE FCK HE’S A LITERAL MONSTER IN THIS VIDEO GAME?

OH, MY GOD. If Logan didn’t step in and save them here this would have been catastrophic. I can feel my relief. I mean, he screamed, but it was a relief. WAIT IT WAS DECEIT THE WHOLE TIME??? Daaaamn good job on this one Deceit and I definitely like him more now but also WHERE IS LOGAN. Was it the whole time? That makes sense in hindsight and makes me feel better about some things he’s brought up but I feel like it really was Logan at the start, it wasn’t until he started calling out patton that his voice and inflection and stuff changed

Patton trying to attack Deceit   and hitting Thomas instead was  an EXCELLENT way to  showcase the effect SvS 1 and 2 are having

Deceit’s lil “A DUH DUH DUH DOY” looked and sounded just like Logan’s lmao don’t tell me it’s another switcheroo (I doubt it greatly lol)

REAL LOGAN REAL LOGAN REAL LOGAN

So wait what was the point that Deceit switched with Logan? Cause Logan’s saying “one more fact” so he was himself earlier right?

“Not that any of you care, but  I am unharmed.” Nooooo they care </3 “I will do you all a favor and spare you my company” okay OUCH

EFFECTIVE ALTRUISM YES aw he’s talking about him and patton working together yes thank you

Damn, Deceit is LOVING everything Logan says haha same

Logan and Deceit teaming up to teach Patton that it’s okay to care about yourself

DECEIT WHAT he’s being so supportive of Roman holy heck this is so genuine OH Roman’s arguing with it  this is a lot of stuff I didn’t expect roman to say out loud wow

THOMAS JUST SAID DECEIT THE CHARACTER ISN’T INHERENTLY UNETHICAL WOW this episode really said let’s make Deceit--

WAIT WOAH SORRY HIS NAME REVEAL!!! He’s Janice?? Is that true?

WAIT WOAH PART 2 BUT DECEIT JUST SAID IF IT WEREN’T FOR THE MUSTACHE HE WOULDN’T KNOW WHO THE EVIL TWIN IS BETWEEN ROMAN AND REMUS HOLY SHIT HE ACTUALLY LOOKED VULNERABLE AND THEN HURT AND THEN RIGHT BACK TO SNAKE

ROMAN’S GONE

fuck.... patton...roman....deceit....thomas....logan....I’m gonna go cry about all of them now

LESLIE ODOM JR IS HERE??????? oh there he goes

patton oh my god I love you  this ANGST are you trying to kill me?

Patton telling thomas he’s worthy of love I actually teared up

dfjdakjhfa deceit don’t push it

Wowie that was an EPISODE

[pedantichoe]

Rhythm of War spoilers under the cut

...

Perfect I’m glad that actually worked :)

1. WHAT THE NUTS?!2?:??:?:? I’VE LOST MY GOSHDANG MARBLES NOT TO MENTION SEVERAL PIECES OF MY SOUL AND ALL MY SANITY (clearly since I already said marbles r gone) HEAD IS EMPTY FELLAS

I’m honesty just still at a loss for words. The implications every major investiture-related reveal has are enormous. The light. The harmonies. The spren experiments??? Ishar what the eff word are you doing dude!??!???

I was under the delusion that there was going to be a mega battle between Moash and Kaladin at the end of the book that was gonna be Uber painful but then have that allow Kaladin to swear the fourth ideal (in my head it was smth like Dalinar v Odium in Oathbringer but I am aware that would be way too clean a parallel and branderson just doesn’t work like that). INSTEAD we got an altercation that caused me to BAWL MY EYES OUT FOR FOURTY-FIVE MINUTES

Some lead-up. Somewhere around the time Moash got the spren-killing dagger I could just feel an awful build-up of tension and anxiety. I may not be able to hear the rhythms of Roshar but let me tell you if I could..... I would be attuned to terrors m8. So anyways I knew shit was gonna go DOWN but I didn’t know exactly what. Then Moash got the knife and my brain was just like “if he kills Sylphrena....” but I was just like HHHHH GOTTA KEEP READING

I’ll need to go downstairs and actually grab my book at some point to make sure I have the timeline right but there was a point where I had to set the book down and do some breathing exercises and walk around a little. And then Oho boy. When Teft walked in and saw Moash I just... I lost it a little. And then what actually happened????? My dogs woke me up at 5 AM and as I’m struggling out of some weird cosmere-related dream I remember whag Moash did and I’m just sitting there in the dark dogs whining to go out -crying- because how could he do that how could he how could he

And I know at the start of the book when Godeke or whatever edgedancer came to get Kal out of the manor fire was standing in the doorway and Moash had some kind of.... bit of his soul? Smth??? Show a version of who he /could/ be (wait that wasn’t Renarin was it cuz that would make sense...... hmmmmmmmm). That COULD mean he will have some opportunity at redemption which. If there is ANYBODY I trust to do it well and with feeling, it’s Brandon, but also a huge part of me does NOT. WANT. HIM. REDEEMED. I want him crushed and broken in every way with the full weight of what he did bearing down upon him but also hhhhhhh I’m sure we will get smth much cooler than anything I could think up ANYWAY

Why are the splits between paragraphs getting so big tumblr what is wrong with you

See this one is normal

Okay ANYWAYS

Kaladin. Bitch this man is a LOT. he’s just. I think the thing I appreciate most about these books is that the heroes aren’t perfect. They’re often damaged. Feel broken. And IN that they expand upon their ideals and ultimately make the first one just such an inspiring message. Life before death. Strength before weakness. Journey before destination.

So Kaladin. He is just uhhhh amazing??? What I think truly encapsulates what I love about him is when it’s just he and Syl and the stonecast statue of Teft. The sadness is still there and I know it hurts him so much. But the guilt? The ability to grow in your losses and find yourself stronger and more human and more understanding because of it??? Ultimately THAT is where Moash and Odium are wrong. Kaladin and Dalinar have found and CONTINUE to find how to grow in their pain. How to not just deal with, but ACCEPT and OWN their pain and sorrow. They are finding the peace that Odium would have brought through numbness and loss. I don’t really know how to phrase this exactly how I would like. But I’m proud of this message. Im glad for this message.

When Wit helps Kaladin into that warm bubble and tells him he will be warm again, that just hit. The message in these books is about oaths and ideals and promises. It’s about growing into something so much more than you ever could have dreamed, and NOT by giving up your pain or your guilt or your loss or your anger to someone who would leave you a shell as a byproduct. When Teft died he died full of hope. He knew he was forgiven. He didn’t lose to Moash, to Odium, to the moss or to anyone or anything else. He lived and died with Honor. And in doing so proved that the power to change existed within him. It just needed support. Like a small flame. You can’t leave it open to the winds, or it will extinguish, but it DOES need air. It does need to be stoked to grow. Teft did it. So can you.

I went on both Instagram and Snapchat to try and talk about how deeply connected I feel to these books and the messages and characters in them. I wasn’t nearly as eloquent as I would have liked. But at the end of the day I am so grateful for how I’ve been able to grow and change and be shaped by my trials and experiences. I didn’t spend this year in as dark of a place as Kaladin, but I did feel trapped and stuck. I felt like a failure. I felt weak and angry and like there was no way to get to where I had been. Like I couldn’t remember the words.

And not just this book, but so many things in my life have helped me to see that I am valid and I am growing and I will stumble and make mistakes but through it all, the oaths that I have made, and the ideals that I keep are what make me me, and will continue to temper my soul and my spirit as I go along this journey.

I don’t need everyone to love these books as much as I do. Or feel as strongly about the messages or be as affected by the characters, the plot, and the INSANELY good writing. But I hope everyone has, finds, and clings to what makes them warm. What brings them light. We all make mistakes. We all will continue to mess up. We need to be corrected and shaped and we need to grow and change. But I for one am sick of hating people on principle. I’m sick of the feeling in my stomach like the world is falling to shit and that nothing I do or say will ultimately have any positive effect. I’m sick of living in a shade-darker world where I hate everything and feel like I should hate everything. I’m sick of being angry.

As a related side note. As we get to know more about the shards I hope someone makes a “which shard of Adonalsium are you!” Quiz because that would be very interesting. As is?? This year I have been Odium. I am passionate. But I am angry. I am so so angry. And I don’t -want- to be so angry anymore. I want to have hope. I want to follow light. I want to CHOOSE life and strength and journey and I want to sacrifice what I need to to get there. Kaladin’s fourth ideal is recognizing he can’t save everyone. I want to follow the ideal that those out there deserving of love and compassion outweigh my need to feel angry and unjust at those that destroy those things. I’ll work on phrasing as I go. I’m not quite ready to swear it, but the words are coming. I can feel them.

What Maya did was reveal that in the darkest of times for Radiants and their bonds, there was a choice that was made. And -no one,- spren, god, or otherwise, can take away the fact that it was THEIR choice. It is my choice whom I serve. It is my choice what I sacrifice and what I hold on to. And I will not let the voices of those telling me I have to hate everything and everyone take charge over me.

I hope everyone out there finds their ideals. And keeps to them. And knows that there is hope and light and life. That there is strength before weakness. And courage before cowardice. And a journey before their destination.

And that ultimately, the most important words a person can say are: “I will do better.” And the most important step they can take is the next one.

Life before death. Always. Life before death.

[theincompetentgenius]

Matchup

hiyaaa!! could i pls get a written matchup for ikesen, ikerev, & mlqc? 💞 bi but i prefer guys! i have an older twin sis~ 5'4 young girl~ medium-length straight-ish black hair & dark brown eyes. ambiverted INTP! hufflepuff/ravenclaw. fun-loving & friendly scorpio. if not given attention, i feel unwanted/sad. quiet w/ people im not close w/. easily annoyed but guilty after 'cause im soft-hearted. playful/serious, childish/mature, competative/laidback, funny/shy, talkative/good listener, loud/soft, kind/quiet, emotional/solemn, sweet/smart, bright/deep, poetic/intellectual, daydreamer/studious, annoying/lovable. hopeless romantic! sorta socially anxious, i have a fear of judgement. my personality is like half fun/happy and half deep/quiet- very awkward. i want to be the best! im not innocent but ppl think i am at first. its easy to make me smile & laugh but i also get jealous often. i have trouble asking for help even if i help others a lot! im the type to do fun stuff and loosen up, but im also the type to just cuddle and have long conversations about life and the world. emotionally mature but a bit emotionally unstable (mental health problems-) i look fine on the outside but on the inside its a MESS. im actually a complex person, and i rlly think a lot to myself. i feel rlly scared tho if im not completely sure if im correct abt smth, n i get rlly anxious when ppl r looking at me blankly w/ smiling- likes: diff kinds of jokes, testing myself, affection, animals, doing exhilirating things, music, movies, books, games, family, friends, astrology, astronomy, learning new things, & mythology. dislikes: too much heat, school presentations, creepy dolls, being under pressure, dirty things. i love weapons (esp swords n guns, i like magic too tho)!! i think they're super cool- omg im super srry cause i think this is too much- tysm anyway!! feel free to take your time (health comes first!) n have a great year! 💞

Aww, thank u so much! This was submitted to me quite a while back and I’m really sorry for the major delay. However, I’ve finally gotten to this. Hope you still enjoy it :)

Ikemen Sengoku

I’d pair you with.................. Hideyoshi Toyotomi!

Honestly, I was having difficult picking just one person since you have such a complex personality (don’t worry, this is a good thing). For a while, I was leaning towards Mitsuhide at first because your personality would’ve made the perfect MC for his route. You’re sweet enough to get him to open up, but not a complete ditz. He’d love to learn all the different sides of your personality, falling for every single piece. After all, there’s no puzzle that he can’t solve.

However, I’m gonna go with Hideyoshi on this one. His simple attitude would best compliment all your different traits, creating the perfect balance. Whenever he’s being hard-headed, your multi-dimensional personality will provide him with another side that he hadn’t considered.

Don’t want to ask for help? Not a problem because Hideyoshi is going to help you anyways (whether you want or not). He’ll be at your side all day, making sure that even the smallest of tasks have dealt with. Once your work is done, he’ll linger around for a little bit, waiting for that last good-bye kiss. 

You manage to pull him out of his comfort zone, going on small adventures together! He’s not the biggest fan of them, but he always tags along to make sure you’re alright. His favorite adventures are when you two go into the forests, observing all the different animals. There’s nothing like seeing the sweet smile on your face to brighten up his day.

The day always ends with the two of you heading back to his room, laying on his bed, and looking at all the cool stuff that you found. He’ll have his arms wrapped around your waist, resting his chin on top of your head, listening to you rave about the adventure. But when you remind him that there’s no place that you’d rather be than in his arms, Hideyoshi can’t help but turn into a puddle. It’s just a night of cuddles and endless affection.

Hideyoshi is also the best person to go to when you’re feeling like a complete mess. Even if he’s busy, he’ll always put time aside to comfort you. If you’re feeling scared or unsure, the warlord will stroke your hair and remind you about all the times that you’ve been right (and all the things you’ve accomplished because of that). Even if things go awry, he’ll always be there to hold your hand for comfort’s sake. After all, you’ve guided him through his messes, so now it’s his turn to repay the favor.

Another Possibility: Mitsuhide Akechi

Ikemen Revolution

I’d pair you with............... Ray Blackwell!

So there’s not a lot of leeway here since your description really just screamed “RAY” to me. However, I feel like I could throw you at Blanc! He’d do his best to make you feel welcome in the Cradle and slowly crack through your quiet demeanor. Once he learns what’s inside, bunny boy is absolutely charmed! It’s hard for him to stay away, especially since he just gravitates towards your cheery energy. Nevertheless, the Black Army King won over in the end.

When Ray first meets you, he appreciates your quiet side. Not too noisy or annoying, unlike certain members in the Black Army. Besides, you seem to have your head screwed on straight, so he won’t have to worry too much about you getting into endless trouble. Your maturity throughout the entire situation will only garner his respect.

When Fenrir cracks a crude joke and you stifle your laughter, Ray raises an eyebrow. There’s definitely more to you than meets the eye and he’s interested in what exactly hides behind your quiet exterior. While he may not go out of his way to search for it, Ray takes mental notes when you do something that pleasantly surprises him.

Bookworm buddies!! Every now and then, you two engage in a reading competition: who can read the most books throughout the week? For the prize, the loser has to listen to the winner’s commands for an entire day. While the winning party varies, it’s always a close call.

Ray is always teasing you for being a hopeless romantic. However, that’s just his way of hiding how he thinks that your mentality towards love is adorable. If he’s completely honest, you remind him of the main heroine in most romance novels. Does that mean he’s willing to be your love interest? Why don’t you ask him and find out ;)

Ray notices the twinkle in your eyes when you watch him practice with his sword. When you ask him about it, he’ll happily show you all the types of swords and guns that are used in the Black Army. He even gives you confidential information about the latest gun prototypes. At one point, he’ll even gift you with the weapon of your choice (you can customize it however you want). Whether you choose to use it is up to you (but little tip here: Ray finds it hot when you carry it around on your belt).

Another Possibility: Blanc Lapin

MLQC

I’d pair you with............ Victor!

Before I unveil first place over here, I think you and Kiro would also have amazing chemistry too! You two would mesh so well together, being the biggest balls of sunshine. When you’re feeling down, you can always expect his teddy-bear smile to cheer you up in an instance. It gives me such “wholesome couple vibes” that I’m not even sure how to put it into words.

So you must be wondering, “Why Victor?” It’s because our loveable grump needs some sunshine of his own (a ray of sunshine that he won’t throw out the window or chastise to death). From the beginning, Victor takes a liking towards you. You’re mature, dependable, and want the best for the company. Even if you’re not directly involved, he appreciates your efforts towards becoming the best. There’s something about you that makes him want to root for you.

And so he does, pouring a decent amount of money into your dreams. However, Victor will constantly watch you from the side (after all, he’s gotta see how his investment is being used). This may cause you some discomfort, but he’s doing it to make sure that you get to the top of your dreams. 

When you’re feeling unsure of yourself, Victor will give you the guidance that you need. He’ll try his best to give his input on the situation, making sure that it gets you closer and closer to the answers that you need. Once you manage to pull everything together, he can’t help but feel a little tug on his chest. It’s a combination of both pride and something a little sweeter.

Victor also finds your multi-faceted personality quite impressive. It’s amazing how you can show a range of emotions and feelings, especially when you’re dealing with different types of people. He doesn’t have such a range of emotions, so he tries to pick up on a few of your traits. It doesn’t always work, but you always get a good laugh out of it.

Whenever Victor has had a long day at work, the two of you lay on the grass and watch the night sky. There’s something about the stars that calms him and he wouldn’t have known it if he never met you. So he’ll always be grateful for the peace that you’ve given him. 

Another Possibility: Kiro

[radioactivecatboy]

get to know me

the rules: answer 17 questions and tag 17 ppl you want to know better

i was tagged by @tvilling-taz a couple days ago and thought when’s a better time to do it than when you’ve been up all night and can’t rlly see straight! so here we are! update: literally had to draft this and come back to it bc i almost posted it not realizing i’d almost skipped half the questions while going “this seems too short..........better double check”

nickname: percy, perce, soft bitch in one (1) person’s head but they’re absolutely correct so it’s valid

zodiac sign: cancer babeyyyyy

height: unknowable. unfathomable. if you know you will NOT say or i’ll block you (oskar i am looking directly into your eyes)

hogwarts house: slytherin bc i’m sexy and gay and dramatic and i think i deserve it

last thing you googled: either uquiz for gay and sexy purposes or just the word “possible” to make sure i was spelling it right

song stuck in my head: listen i need you to understand that my brain is basically white noise w a burst of coherent thought like that song “................................tequila!” so i’m inherently incapable of having a song stuck in my head

followers and following: i am following uhhh 92 ppl and have 34 followers which actually made me do a double take cause as far as i’m concerned i have like.......maybe ten

amount of sleep i get: listen. listen. everyone who has ever spoken to me for a significant amount of time knows my sleep schedule is absolutely wack and time means nothing to me. i will stay awake for 36 hours and then sleep for 24. i am a deeply flawed and unhealthy human being. i’m so sorry

lucky number(s): math is fake and so are numbers

dream job: fuck capitalism i don’t want a “job” i want to live in the woods and vibe. but also i want to write books and be a college professor w a phd so i can be exclusively called “doctor” or “professor” none of this gendered bullshit like “miss” or “mister”

instruments: i’m gonna count the ability to sing in here bc while i have played the piano a bit i do not count it but i WAS in choir for most of elementary and most of middle school

random facts: i used to watch a lot of audrey hepburn movies when i was a preteen and early teen and still have a poster of her hanging in my room as well as a decal on my laptop. i like and collect crystals tho i don’t have that many yet. one of the most formative series of my youth was pjo and i wrote a letter to rick riordan for an english assignment, AND that year they held some sort of fair thing at school where there were a bunch of activities based on the books. i think that teacher had smth against me tho bc she didn’t seem to like any of the stuff i wrote for the class And i got picked almost last for choosing activities and nothing good was left. YES i am still bitter as fuck even if that was like seven years ago

aesthetic: my vibes are far too chaotic to ever have a cohesive aesthetic. ig it’s sort of.....bloody knuckled, leather jacket wearing punk meets fashion designer with a love for extravagant gowns and fur coats meets cottagecore with a sprinkling of catholic imagery but make it gay and hellenic and witchy shit for good measure

tagging: i don’t know 17 ppl and anyone who does has either been on here too long or is freakishly approachable (could NOT be me) but i’ll tag @artemisinfinity and @makapedia and like. anyone who wants to do it. just say i tagged you. i won’t be mad. go ham

[goldenhypen]

Spoilers for enhamongus (just in case someone hasn't watched it)

NO CUZ THE YUNKI MOMENTS. YOU ARE SO CORRECT ?1?2!2!2!2!! THE ENHAMONGUS 💔💔 WHEN RIKI BEGGED JAKE TO LET HIM LEAVE JAKE LATER ON SAID THAT HE LET RIKI RUN AWAY BCUZ HE WAS CUTE 😭😭😭😭 SO TREW MAN JAKE AS WHIPPED AS I AM. and the bowling episode too??????? Honestly jake was SO good i was so surprised?? He's always good at games he truly is the icon of growth frrrrr and i was also surprised riki was that good too ngl 🤨🤨 is there smth they CAN'T do?? ENHAMONGUS REALLY FED ME THO. DURING THE FIRST GAME WHEN NO ONE BELIEVED RIKI 😖 I FELT A LIL BAD BUT CMON NOW HIS STRATEGY WAS SO DUMB IM SAWRRYYYYY scared everyone off from the get go by pretending to be imposter?? BUT THEN HE BEFRIENDED THE ACTUAL IMPOSTERS? (Without knowing) kinda ironic nawt even gonna lie. AND HE SAW THE THING IN HEESEUNGS POCKET WHY DID HE CHOOSE TO STICK AROUND HIM 🤕 he's a lil dumb (/j) but its okay‼️‼️

ALSO YEAH I'VE BEEN DOING FINE. SORT OF. Just a lot of stuff going on with school and exams, that's all 🕴️🕴️ easter break soon (it's not easter for me yet since i'm an orthodox) so i guess i'll have time to relax a bit. HOW HAVE YOU BEEN?? DID YOU REST WELL??

pLS THAT WAS SO CUTE 😭 jake being such a good dad/hyung to riki makes me 🤧🤧 (speaking of,, DID YOU SEE JAKE AND JAY ON THE WILLBEN SHOW?? WHEN I TELL YOU I COULDNT EVEN BREATHE BC I WAS CRYING SCREAMING AND SQUEALING AT THE SAME TIME THE ENTIRE TIME FR,,, it’s not funny 😭 omg i loved it sm 😭 i watch that vid several times a day 😭) but anyways- EXACTLY OMG our boys are so good at sports?? like ?? jake and riki pls share some of your talent and don’t hog it all for yourselves?? 🤲🏻😤 pLS WE SAY THEYRE GOOD AT GAMES AND ALL,, BUT IN ENHAMONG US,,, THEIR STRATEGIES BOTH WERENT VERY GOOD LETS BE HONEST as imposters they literally both killed right in front of ppl?? idk what they were thinking?? but yeah riki literally knowing hee was the imposter and then proceeded to hang out with him?? SKJDKS ok whatever you do you ig 😭

oh rlly? i didn’t even know easter was at a different time for you guys. that’s kinda cool. yeah we just had easter yesterday! but i hope you get your rest soon omg 😭 pls take care of yourself. aND DONT BE HARD ON YOURSELF MAY OR ELSE I WILL PERSONALLY FLY ALL THE WAY ACROSS THE WORLD TO AFFIRM YOU MYSELF 😤 but anyways i’m doing good! ^_^ while everyone’s stressing with exams,, i actually finished pretty much all of my courses for school over my hiatus since i can lol but yeah 😭 i’m good and i rested well! i’m actually getting sick tho 😭 it’s not very bad at all tho so dw about me :)

[general-du-vallon]

so... way back in November (I just went to find out when) @rhesascoffee asked for a prompt off a list that was passing out in the pharmacy or smth, and... I ... here. Have this. It is half a fic cus the rest of it was too dramatic. 

um, WARNINGS: Athos is a recovering alcoholic and anxious and grouchy and I don’t know a whole lot about adiction so im super sorry about that, idk 

Athos loves and hates his home. It’s a nice house and he’s by the river and the village is right on the edge of Oxford but still, somehow, weirdly, a village. It has a post office for Christ’s sake. NOWHERE has a post office. It’s twenty god damned seventeen. It also has a Facebook group to be fair. He tries to stay away from that but he’s pretty sure that doing so just makes him more gossiped about. They also have their own tiny little pharmacy and Athos has been going there to get his prescription filled for the last few weeks. Because who doesn’t want the entire village to know one is taking antidepressants? It’s not like he even is depressed. They help him sleep. Not that it’s anyone’s business. Anyway he checked the Facebook page the first few times he picked them up but nothing’s been said so maybe the pharmacist is actually as nice as he seems. Athos stops and blushes.

He’s stood in the middle of the road on a zebra crossing and that is perhaps not the most normal course of action to choose but it doesn’t really necessitate the beeping. Athos walks extra slow on the walk way and stops a few more times, just because it’s HIS right of way and if he IS a bit head in the clouds it’s NOT his fault it is the FAULT of the mother fucking flashback earlier. And, maybe, just maybe, the two glasses of wine. But only maybe. Anyway, he meanders over the zebra crossing (that’ll be on Facebook later) and then marches off purposefully, just to tripply piss people off. He stops in at the corner-shop for cigarettes (the nicotine is in no way good for him but that and the wine are old coping mechanisms and they’re comforting and he doesn’t really give a fuck). The woman behind the till tries to sell him a vape, so he very gently swears at her without thinking.

“Oh goodness,” he mutters, looking down at the countertop. “I am sorry. I have a young cousin who seems to be beginning a cult and I did not mean to take that out on you, ma’am.”

“It’s sir,” the man says, glowering.

“Oh. Right, sorry. Sir. Of course,” Athos says, looking up a moment. He doesn’t usually look much at people. “The eyebrows. Of course.”

“Excuse me?”

“Sorry, sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything,” Athos says. “Only, you have very masculine eyebrows.” There’s silence so Athos hastens on. “They’re lovely. Um.”

“Thanks. I think. So, no vape, just the death sticks.”

“Yes, sir,” Athos says. “Please and thank you.”

“Packet of death sticks coming right up, Athos,” the man says. How does he know Athos’s name? “Everyone knows your name you’re a famous author.”

Did he say anything out loud? Athos looks around and feels paranoia close in. He puts that down to a.) the flashback, b) the excessive amounts of coffee he consumed post freakout in a great big freaking freak out, c.) the wine he drank to try and calm down. He probably just made a shocked face. He pays for the death sticks, waves goodbye to his new friend with the impressive eyebrows, and heads over to the pharmacy. The cheerful but muted bell goes as he steps inside and he’s greeted by the biggest pumpkin ever, sat round and shiny on the counter, a happy face carved in it.

“Good evening!” the pharmacist calls from the back. “Be right with you, help yourself to the cookies! Vegan on the left, nuts in neither but not swearing to that if you swell up like Veruca Salt!”

Athos peers around the pumpkin and finds two plates. He tries a biscuit from each and decides the vegan ones are, somehow, weirdly, better. He eats another two of those before the pharmacist comes out, drying his hands on a tea-towel in a not-very-reassuring way.

“Sorry. Oh, hi Athos,” he says.

Athos is reassured. He is ALWAYS reassured by the pharmacist. He’s big and wide-shouldered and fat and he’s beautiful and he has the warmest welcoming smile and just exudes competence. He looks a bit off today, but then again Athos is a bit off himself so he sets the cigarette box down so he can find his scrip.

“Hello Porthos,” Athos says, remembering the name he was told a few weeks ago, as he roots about.

“It’s on repeat,” the pharmacist says, going over to the computer.

“What?” Athos mutters, emptying his pockets of conkers, pretty leaves, a slim poetry chapbook, pens, ink cartridges for a pen he lost years ago, receipts, bus tickets, a KitKat and a tenner - Athos pauses to be happy about those two finds -

“Your prescription,” the pharmacist says. “Here we go. Yep, came through yesterday, I’ve already filled it. Good.”

“Why is it good?” Athos asks, restocking his pockets (he stows the KitKat and tenner safely).

“Never mind.”

A bag is passed over the counter and Athos sticks that in his pocket too.

“Nice pumpkin,” Athos says, then turns to go.

“Cigarettes,” the pharmacist whispers.

Which is vaguely creepy but Athos takes it in stride because after all it is halloween and smoking is bad and the pharmacist does run a quitters day every week so maybe he’s trying to spook Athos into joining. Athos picks up the smokes.

“Death sticks,” he corrects, idly.

“What?” the pharmacist says, faintly. Probably from confusion. “Oh, fuckitty fuck.”

“It’s not that bad, I don’t really smoke. Just a little,” Athos says, glancing up in time to see the pharmacist go crashing to the floor in an almighty collapse of: himself, the book off the counter, both plates of cookies, and the giant pumpkin. “Porthos!”

Athos puts the cigarette box back down and pushes himself up on the counter so he can peer over. Porthos is already stirring, blinking confusedly up at the ceiling. Athos hesitates, then gets down and walks around the counter, kneeling at Porthos’s side, helping him sit up, picking bits of cookie out of his hair. The pumpkin is intact and the plates are unbroken but the biscuits were less lucky - they’re shattered, bits of them everywhere.

“Sorry about that,” Porthos says.

“Hm,” Athos agrees. It was terribly rude. His lips twitch at the thought. He brushes cookie off Porthos’s funny little pharmacist smock. “Terribly rude of you.”

“Sorry,” Porthos says again, sitting against a wall and closing his eyes, pressing the heels of his hands into his eyes. “Migraine. Been bugging me all day, suddenly decided to explode.”

“Time to go home, then,” Athos whispers, hoisting Porthos up off the floor. Porthos stares at him when they’re up. “What?”

“You’re strong,” Porthos says, awed. Athos ducks his head and blushes.

Porthos is always doing that, making nice little comments. Last time it was about Athos’s shirt, because it was a nice one and apparently made his eyes incredibly blue. Then there was the one about his hair being luxurious and the one being envious of his ‘beard skills’ and the thing about his fancy shoes and his shoulders. It has maybe been flirting. Athos isn’t sure. Pharmacists don’t usually flirt with him .

“I need to lock things?” Athos suggests.

“Oh. Here, here, just… give me ten minutes then you can walk me home and fuss at me. It’s closing time anyway, in half an hour,” Porthos says.

“Fuss at you?” Athos asks, letting go.

Porthos staggers a little then waves a dismissive hand and vanishes into the back. Athos collects his death sticks and hovers in front of the counter, glaring at anyone walking by who looks like they might come in and disturb whatever is happening out the back. Porthos comes out, bag over his shoulder, in the middle of a glare and laughs which is hardly fair. Athos takes his elbow and steers him to the door. Porthos locks it behind him then offers Athos his elbow again, touching his forehead and rubbing a moment before setting off with a sigh.

“I know this is a small village but I don’t know where you live,” Athos says.

“‘s’fine,” Porthos says. “‘preciate this.”

Athos nods. Porthos doesn’t live far, just up the road and off to the left, toward the river, in a nice little house with a yellow-painted front door and a big brass knocker in the shape of a badger head. Athos winces at it, it’s so bright, but doesn’t comment.

“Thanks,” Porthos says, riffling in his pockets and coming up with keys. “I’d invite you in but I’m gonna just throw up and lie down in a dark room and not move for a year. Give me your number?”

“It’s 128,” Athos says, dumbly. “The house has a name though, I called it Chickens when I was drunk one night and apparently I registered it with the post office another drunk night. So it’s Chickens.”

Porthos stares at him for a long time before grimacing and rubbing his face, giving his head a tiny shake.

“I have no idea what… what? Never mind. Your phone number, Athos,” Porthos says, holding out his phone and wiggling it at Athos.

Athos takes it and punches his number in, adding himself to Porthos’s contacts. He appears in the list under an ‘Airbag’ and ‘Argonauts’, and above a ‘Bear’ and ‘bill’ and ‘breadsticks bill’. He passes the phone back and Porthos stares at for a minute, swallows, leans on the door. Athos takes the keys and unlocks the door for him and Porthos mutters a thank you and staggers in. Athos closes the door quietly behind him and walks away. He goes down to the river to sit and smoke his way through half the pack of death sticks and eat his KitKat. Then he calls Aramis.

“I had a drink,” he says, when Aramis gives his usual, stupid, languorous, seductive ‘hola mi amor’. “I had two. It was only wine. I’m smoking my way through twelve cigarettes. I’ve had six so far. I ate a KitKat too.”

“Hi Athos, nice to hear from you, glad you called,” Aramis says. “Call your sponsor. Then ring me and tell me nice things.”

Aramis hangs up on him, which is quite rude really. Athos calls Treville.

“I had two glasses of wine,” Athos says, when Treville grunts hello. Treville makes an affirming sound which, yeah, when Athos calls it’s always because of a drink because that’s the point of Treville. “I’m smoking twelve cigarettes. That will help. I drank a lot of coffee.”

“You know coffee will only help so much,” Treville says.

“I didn’t want to work out why,” Athos whispers.

“Ok. Where are you?”

“By the river. The wine is still at home. I went to get my meds, the pharmacist fainted dramatically.”

“What do you want to do, if not think about what triggered this relapse?” Treville asks.

“I dunno. Can you come take the wine away? Can you do that, is that a thing you do?”

“No. But I will,” Treville says. “Seeing as what I’m MEANT to do is suggest you ask a friend to do it and I know you don’t have any friends except me.”

“What about Aramis?”

“Is he going to come remove wine bottles for you?”

“No. He hung up on me.”

“Besides which he’s in Chile,” Treville says, dryly. Which is probably more pertinent than the hanging up thing.

“He’s rude.”

“Yes. What else?”

“Smoke the rest of these. Did you hear about the pharmacist?”

“Yes, I was ignoring that particular dramatic pot of worms for the moment.”

“It’s not my dramatic pot of worms, it’s Porthos’s.”

“Anything you want to do other than talk to me about irrelevant pharmacists?”

“Don’t think Porthos would think much of being called irrelevant. No, I don’t want to talk to you at all, I have no choice in the matter though do I?”

“You do as you please, Athos, I’m neither your mother nor your nursemaid. I’m here to help if you want it, if you’d prefer to go back…”

“No,” Athos admits, to himself as well as to Treville. “No. Ok. I had a flashback, I didn’t want to face it, and so I… Did Not Face It. The way I used to not face things. I hid from it.”

“Yes,” Treville says.

“It was nice,” Athos whispers.

“Smoke your cigarettes, take a nap, have something proper to eat in fact I’ll take you to dinner. I know you won’t eat otherwise and you can get out of the house. Come to mine for dinner, I will pick you and your wine up, the wine from the house, you from the river.”

“You’re a good friend.”

“Yeah, better than a bottle,” Treville says.

“Better than Aramis,” Athos says, but Treville’s already hung up. Athos rings Aramis, remembers again he’s in Chile and hangs up on ‘hola mi’. He waits. His phone rings. “You’re in Chile. It’s costly.”

“You have so much money you don’t know what to do with it,” Aramis says. Which is true. Athos hangs up and rings him back. “Athos!”

“Yes, yes,” Athos says because he is being a tiny bit ridiculous. “A pharmacist fainted dramatically when I went for meds.”

“Oh? Oh! Is this the sexy guy who winked at you and made you wet yourself?”

“I did not wet myself. Not that such a thing is shameful, incontinence is a fact of life.”

“I didn’t mean piss I meant-”

“Why are you talking?”

“Is he the winky one?”

“Yes, yes. He winked at me and I may have rang you in a… in a moment of confusion.”

“You were in a tizzy! Ha! Yes these are nice things to tell me. Matthew is a jerk,” Aramis says.

“Your brother is a lovely man who you love very much. If you want to come weep on my sofa when you get home for missing him, you don’t get to complain about him. One or the other remember?” Athos says, which is a deal he made when Aramis was asleep so it might be fair if Aramis doesn’t remember.

“Yes ok, weeping on the sofa is probably better,” Aramis says. “So, why did the hunk faint?”

“He didn’t, he had a migraine I think he just fell over. He said ‘fuckitty fuck’. I supposed he was talking about cookies or somesuch.”

“Cookies?”

“He had cookies. They were vegan and delicious,” Athos says, then he spots Treville coming through the meadow and sighs.”Treville’s here.”

“Alright, that’s good. Is he going to feed you and make sure you sleep?”

“I believe that is his nefarious plan.”

“I’m glad, Athos.”

“Are you really cross with Matthew?”

“Nope, just that I’ve been here three weeks and I am ready to come home and be alone. Without him. For five goddamn minutes YES! MATTY OK ALRIGHT I AM COMING it’s dinner time, Ath,” and then a stream of Spanish

Athos bends over his knees laughing at the way Aramis switches so seamlessly between conversations and remembering sharply how he and Thomas and familial and brothers and he finds he’s not laughing he’s crying.

“Oh shit. Bye Aramis,” he says and hangs up.

Treville comes and drags him to his feet and then into a hug so tight Athos hasn’t breath to cry and anyway he’s safe enough not to need it. Treville lets go and they walk to the car in silence, at least three feet of space between them. Treville gives him a snickers bar and a juice box and drives through the darkening evening back into the city and to his nice terraced house and his nice domestic husband who merely says a warm hello to Athos and indicates his room is ready. Alaman is always like that, he takes Treville’s dramas in stride. Treville takes in waifs and strays and Alaman feeds them. At least Alaman’s daughter isn’t there at the moment, instead living in London and running some rebellious and wonderful magazine while wearing the newest Doc Martins and being political with her girlfriend Ninon.

“Athos,” Treville says. “Food, meds, sleep.”

Athos eats, takes his meds, and goes to bed.

II

Athos like the Bodleian. It took him a while to find his footing there and not have horrible imposter syndrome that made him want to scream in the middle of the Radcliffe Camera just to make noise. He like the Oxford Professor Aesthetic, though, and sitting in the Bod for hours, especially Upper Reading Room, with the light streaming in the great windows, the quad out there being historic, is great. As is napping there in the weak winter sunshine. That is also aesthetically pleasing. Athos wraps himself in the scarf so big it might as well be called a shawl that Aramis brought back for him this time, and pulls his beanie down and leans back in his uncomfortable chair, arms crossed over his chest, and dozes, his books gathering dust on the desk before him.

Of course he gets signal up here, unlike when he hides underground in the Gladstone Link (it’s term time, down there is full of undergrads now, sweating and tapping at laptops). His phone buzzing on the table is distracting. It’s on silent and it doesn’t vibrate but it lights up and he can just tell it’s still ringing. And then it goes dead and silent and his heart does a horrible tight flip dive thing and he thinks it was probably Treville ringing to tell him Aramis died in an accident or Aramis ringing to say Treville was in the hospital Alaman holding his hand and weeping over him. He sits up and grabs his phone and jabs it with shaking fingers until it lights up for him. There’s an unknown number coming up as a missed call and a text comes in as he watches, from the same. He opens it and doesn’t breathe until he reads the first few words - hi it porthos - then he breathes really really fast and has to put the phone down on its face while he hyperventilates. Finally he gets a drink of water and tries again - hi it porthos wnt 2 gt a coffee? - Oh. That’s not so bad. Athos nods.

Ok. when? Also use whole words please

Nw? im n twn?

No. Words

Now? I am in the city like a gentleman of leisure?

Ok. Blackwells ten mins

Use whole words please

Athos packs up his things, puts his books aside with a note to say he’s still using them and everyone better get their grubby hands off on pain of death (there’s a form he can’t actually say that. Sadly) and hurries down to the Div School entryway. He calls Aramis from under a random statue, rushing until he’s under the old Clarendon building then stopping and waiting for Aramis to answer.

“Hola mi amor,” Aramis seduces.

“I’m being spontaneous. I’m getting coffee with winky. Now.”

“Goodness. Go you. It’s the anniversary Athos, piss off.”

“Oh shit, I’m sorry. I have flowers for you and I made dinner for later so we can just heat it up, and I got the good blankets out and Harry Potter to watch, and there’s ice cream for afters and I have my ‘cuddling human’ hat on.”

“Right. Good about the coffee. Be calm, you’re nice, he already likes you.”

“Just better not call him winky.”

“Or The Irrelevant Pharmacist.”

“Or that. Love you, be kind to yourself. Bye.”

Athos hesitates before hanging up, listening to Aramis’s breathing, checking he’s ok and not ragged or crying or on the edge of panicking. No, he’s fine, just Athos doing the panicking then. He laughs and clatters down the steps and across the road, dodging a bike and six stupid tourists, and running up the steps into the bookshop. Porthos is stood, peering at a display table, squinting. Athos hurries over and then isn’t sure how to announce himself.

“Need my glasses,” Porthos mutters. “Can’t tell if this is queer or just really colourful.”

“It’s not gay but it has a rainbow,” Athos says.

“Oh!” Porthos jumps upright and spins, nearly knocks over the table, and sits down heavily on the floor looking up at Athos.

“Hi,” Athos says, holding out a hand. He pulls Porthos up to his feet. “Sorry.

“Right, hi, um,” Porthos says. “Oh, you look nice, that’s a good scarf. It looks like you could hide in it. Don’t though, flushed with the cold is a good look on you, you look so alive.”

Athos blushes and glowers, frustrated at the blushing. Porthos smiles and he looks pleased, he probably does this on purpose, getting Athos flustered and blushing. Athos strides to the stairs and up them to the coffee shop, queuing. He takes his hat off and Porthos, at his back, laughs.

“What are you drinking?” Athos asks.

“Cappuccino,” Porthos says. “My treat.”

“No,” Athos says. “I’m rich and stubborn, I pay. Ask anyone.”

Porthos doesn’t say anything but somehow, when it comes time to pay, Porthos gets there first and Athos has no choice but to let it go. He carries the coffees, at least. He can assert his masculinity there. Not that he minds too much about paying but really Aramis is right he has too much money. He should do something with it. For now he sets their things on a table by the window (it’s November and not quite Christmas shopping so it’s not too busy right now) and goes back for cake. Porthos watches him there and watches him back, cheek on his fist, elbow on the table, and he scoots Athos’s chair out with a foot when Athos needs to sit and Athos notices that he, like Samara, wears Doc Martins.

“They’re good right?” Porthos says, proudly sticking his feet out for their surveyance. “Yellow for Hufflepuff.”

“And the door knocker. Damn it,” Athos says. “You’re a nerd.”

“Yep,” Porthos says, smiling proudly. “I’m a Hufflepuff nerd.”

“Ravenclaw,” Athos says, sighing. “I’m Ravenclaw. My friend is obsessed.”

“Right. Your friend.”

“He calls you winky but not like the house-elf just because you winked at me,” Athos blurts out. He grimaces.

“Alright. I am super good at winking,” Porthos says, unphased. “Learnt it from my stepdad. He taught me this, too.”

And then Porthos does the most amazing thing ever. He wiggles one ear, raises an eyebrow, then the other eyebrow, then the other ear, like a wave across his face. Then he winks.

“Wow,” Athos says.

“I’m keeping you,” Porthos says, laughing, looking stupidly fond for someone who barely knows Athos. “If that impresses you, I’m keeping you.”

“I’m not for sale,” Athos says, primly, taking a drink of his hot chocolate (he keeps coffee back, these days, because the caffeine makes him jumpy but also it’s more useful if he doesn’t drink it all the time).

“Can I have a marshmallow?” Porthos asks. Athos blinks at him, realises he got some on a side plate (he’d forgotten he did that, the whole ‘do you want marshmallows’ had confused him). He pushes the plate over and Porthos lights up. Athos feels his own face do a ridiculously fond thing for someone who barely knows Porthos. “I guess I am ok with being kept, if that’s your reaction to a few marshmallows.”

“They’re good! Like tiny fairy pillows,” Porthos says, dumping them in his coffee and waiting a moment before scooping them out gleefully, slightly melted, and making a right mess. “Lovely. Thank you. I have a lot of nicknames, the lads are gonna love winky though.”

“The lads. Your contacts have ridiculous names.”

“Yeah, that’s Charon’s lot, they’re a bit of a bunch of dicks but they get good weed.”

“Should a pharmacist smoke? How do you know I’m not a cop? Is this an in-public conversation?”

Porthos laughs again and shakes his head at Athos.

“You’re not a copper, I know the police. Oh don’t go getting that look, I’m not from a broken home or a bad neighbourhood and my Mum’s alive and well thank you very much,” Porthos says. “No sob story here. My step dad was a cop.”

“The one who taught you,” Athos says, and attempts the face-wave. It does not work judging from Porthos’s hysterical reaction. “So there’s ‘Charon’s lot’ who are ‘the lads’.”

“Yeah?” Porthos says.

“I dunno I was trying to make conversation and divert your attention from my facial gymnastics,” Athos mutters.

“Oh ok. I’ve got Flea, too. She used to be one of the lads, as it were, but then she grew up and decided that, like Hailee Steinfeld, she wanted to be like most girls. Ok I’m being facetious. She and Connie are the best feminists ever,” Porthos says.

“I’m lost.”

“Sorry. My friends,” Porthos says, then takes a gulp of coffee and comes up with froth on his moustache, hands tight around his mug. “I’m a bit nervous.”

“Don’t be. I like you.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” Athos says, relaxing as Porthos goes all shy and uncertain. Athos softens his smile. “You’re nice to me, you haven’t put my meds on the Facebook group, you make vegan cookies that actually taste nice.”

“It’s not that hard you’ve just got to-” Porthos stops. “On Facebook? Jesus, of course not.”

“You’d think that was obvious.”

Porthos is silent for a while, then changes the subject to books, also softening. Athos reaches out and takes his hand and they stay like that for two hours, heads bent close to talk quieter, hands warm in each others. It’s enough for Athos but he worries, as they get up, that Porthos will want to do something like kiss. Porthos just takes Athos’s hand for a moment, then says goodbye. Athos trails back to the library for a few hours before heading home to do some Aramis caring. Aramis is just asleep on the sofa in the middle of the third Harry Potter and Athos is just tenderly covering him up and brushing hair off his forehead and searching his face for wellbeing when there’s a knock on the front door. Athos waits to check Aramis is properly  asleep being going to answer it, glaring hard at whoever it is dares disturb Aramis. It’s Porthos.

“It’s late,” Porthos says, stepping back.

“Yes,” Athos says, smiling and leaning on the door frame, deciding the Porthos can knock. As long as he doesn’t wake Aramis.

“You left your wallet at Blackwells,” Porthos says. “I went back for my helmet and found it. Right pair, we are.”

He holds out what is indeed Athos’s wallet. Athos stares at it, wondering how he got in and out of the Bodleian without his card, trying to remember. He might have not had it, he knows most of the guys there, one of them might have let him through if he’d been persuasive enough. He’s done it before, not for at least ten years though. But no, afterall, he has his card slid in his phone case. That’s how he did it, he had his card. His mind manages to recreate the moment from scraps of recall, now. He takes his wallet.

“Surprised you didn’t notice,” Porthos says.

“Oh I’m like that,” Athos says. “I’d invite you in but Aramis is here Grieving.”

“Right, sure, of course,” Porthos says. “No, I wasn’t here to… I heard the capitalization in that. Really?”

“Do not mock me I am a kind and caring friend,” Athos says. Then, softly. “He was a soldier.”

“Ah,” Porthos says, pushing up his sleeve to show off a tattoo. “Me too.”

“That might mean something to him,” Athos says, staring at the inky mark. “Nothing to me.”

“It’s not complex or symbolic, it says Sergeant Du Vallon you plonker. I was a drunk squaddie,” Porthos says, rolling his eyes. Athos looks closer. It does indeed say that.

“Ah,” Athos says.

“I made Lieutenant before getting out,” Porthos says. “They were gonna make me captain but I decided to be a pharmacist instead.”

“Really?”

“No. But that’s how it worked out,” Porthos says. “Tell him I’ll say a prayer.”

“You’re religious?”

“Not particularly, I go Sundays with my Mum though. That’s tomorrow. So I’ll put in a good word for your friend with my friend up there,” Porthos says, then gives a lazy, sarcastic salute and heads off, hands stuck in his pockets, looking like he has a film score in his head for ‘picturesque walking away’.

Athos goes back inside and finds Aramis awake. He sits on the edge of the sofa, a bit shellshocked, and takes Aramis’s hand, strokes Aramis’s hair.

“Porthos is going to put a word in with God for you,” Athos mumbles.

“That’s nice,” Aramis says, around a yawn. “Can I go to bed here?”

“Mm. Mine’s got the hot water bottle in to warm it for you. I’ll be up in a bit with tea?”

“Thanks. You’re good at this, don’t let anyone tell you different ok? Do it your way, it’s a good way.”

Athos smiles and sits up, letting Aramis go. He makes them tea and takes his ipad up so they can listen to BBC funnies and then an audiobook. He sleeps with Aramis, like they used to do as boys at the international school. They’d both moved about and had long periods of nothing but letters but they quite often ended up at the same school again, bouncing around the circuit, Aramis’s Dad a wine merchant and Athos’s military. Athos holds Aramis all night and when Aramis is deeply asleep Athos cries for him, for his lost friends, for Marsac. Mostly for Aramis.

III

“Can you get that, love?” Porthos calls from the kitchen.

Athos is at Porthos’s house. On a week night. Athos is a little baffled by this, it’s not the first time it’s been two months, Porthos likes cooking, but it’s still baffling. And being called ‘love’! (though Porthos has been doing that since their second coffee meeting when he realised it made Athos flush a little). And being asked to open the door! He loves Porthos’s house, though. From its quirky geeky door all the way to its tiny back garden of tangled weeds and overgrown lawn and wild flowers. The carpet in the hallway is red so Porthos feels important, there are photos in frames all over the walls and surfaces, of Porthos’s Mum, his aunt and her wife, his dog when he was little, Charon and Flea in various states of aging. The livingroom is small and attached to the kitchen, only separated by a curtain, the furniture is mismatched and all so comfortable. There’s a little table, with a huge avocado plant on it, that has a horse head and tail and feet. There’s a coffee table with a glass top and fish in blue liquid underneath, just plastic fish floating around like forgotten toys. There’s a small dining table in the corner but it’s always covered in stuff, the two chairs also, clothing and papers and letters and books and every bloody thing. Athos gets up with his wine that is actually grape juice but Porthos could only find a wine glass clean, and goes to answer the door.

“Hello, I’m Flea, this is Constance, and we picked up Treville wandering around the village and brought him along he’s basically Porthos’s Papa and we’re his sisters so,” Flea says.

“I met you last week,” Athos points out, opening the door wider, staring at Treville. “Hello, basically Porthos’s Papa.”

“I thought it better not to say anything. I didn’t realise at first to be fair,” Treville says.

“Thought turning up on the doorstep and startling me a better idea,” Athos says, nodding.

“I didn’t mean to show up on the doorstep,” Treville says, rubbing the back of his neck, then his eyes widen. “Athos.”

“It’s grape juice. Porthos (whose Papa you practically are) does not do dishes,” Athos says, stepping aside.

Constance (who Athos hasn’t met - she looks awesome she has converse shoes) and Flea are watching like this is great TV. Athos blinks until they all file in. They all go to the kitchen and Athos takes a moment in the hall, absently downing his grape juice, before heading through. They’ve all made themselves at home; Flea’s sitting on the counter eating pasta sauce with a spoon out of the pot, Treville’s taken over cooking, Constance is half in the fridge calling out foods and Flea’s calling ‘no’ to each. Porthos is leaning on the counter between Flea and Treville. They’re all talking. Athos, completely overwhelmed, wants to flee, but Porthos catches sight of him and beams a welcome. It’s a tiny kitchen. How they all fit is beyond Athos. He goes to the living room. Porthos follows, calling something back.

“Treville is my sponsor,” Athos mutters, staring at the blue carpet. “And my friend.”

“Oh,” Porthos says. “He’s not great at information sharing.”

“No. Clearly,” Athos says. “You don’t seem shocked.”

Porthos sighs and goes over to the window, opening the curtains so he can look out dramatically. Athos goes to stand beside him, tucking himself under Porthos’s arm and against his side. He’s warm and comforting and it’s reassuring. Athos shuts his eyes.

“My mum dated him for all of four months. They were friends. He got into a parental role by accident, through proximity more than anything. He’s great, when he realised I’d grown attached he stuck around, even after him and Mum drifted apart. But he’s not me Dad, and he’s not good at communicating, and our relationship is… complicated,” Porthos says, resting his cheek against Athos’s head. “He did something a long time ago that hurt Mum. He acted like my Dad without actually being my Dad. He hurt me. He comes and goes and when he’s gone it was hard.”

“Ok,” Athos says.

“Love him to bits, mind,” Porthos says. “Is it gonna interfere with sponsor things?”

Athos snorts. Treville is the most unconventional sponsor Athos has ever had (he’s had a few over the years and across various attempts at sobriety). It might add a complication, but they’ll get by. Or Athos will find someone new.

“Doesn’t matter,” he decides. “We’ll sort it, either me and him or me and someone else. This comes first.”

“Um,” Porthos says.

“Not before my well-being you twat,” Athos says, elbowing him.

“Ow. Just making sure. I’ve seen you and Aramis off on a gloom-streak remember,” Porthos says.

Which is fair enough. That had been an Afternoon.

“Also, twats are wonderous beautiful things, so thank you for the compliment,” Porthos adds, distracting Athos from That Afternoon.

“Sorry,” Athos says, a little sheepish. Porthos has Opinions about Cunts. “Are we going to be social?”

“Wasn’t really planning on it,” Porthos says, lips twitching.

“Dinner!” Flea yells from the kitchen.

Constance throws the curtain dramatically aside and Treville brings the pasta through in a big pot, Flea brings garlic bread, Constance brings salad. They sit on the floor around the coffee table and eat in more-or-less companionable silence. At once point Flea reaches over to squeeze the back of Porthos’s neck in an affectionate move that settles something in Athos. Seeing Porthos connected to people is nice. It reminds Athos of Aramis. When they’re done eating they get stiffly to their feet, Treville cracking his back and grumbling about Porthos’s lack of proper dining options, and take various soft-furnishings. Athos is slow and ends up stood a little awkwardly. Constance clears a kitchen chair for him and offers it with a flourish.

“Or you could sit on me,” Porthos suggests, patting his thigh.

Athos blushes and sits on the kitchen chair, unable to keep from being prim and keeping his knees neatly together, hands neatly resting on them, sitting up too straight. Constance laughs but Porthos looks stupidly pleased about it as if it’s something wonderful, Athos being a weirdo. It goes ok, the surprise of Treville showing up slowing eking away. Athos ends up on the sofa with Treville, their feet up on the sofa, drinking strong coffee and talking politics (nights usually ended like this but with whiskey, thus the coffee, though it’s not bad tonight per se. Just habitual). Porthos and Flea paint their nails or something, Constance watching and taking pics and videos for instagram. Athos tunes out quickly of that chaos and leaves them to it. He feels a little light headed but he’s sure he’s far less caffeinated than he should be by twelve am if he’s been drinking coffee for these past hours. He takes his mug suspiciously and peers into it, then narrows his eyes across the room at Porthos, who is making silly faces into Constance’s phone camera. He notices Athos’s gaze and looks up, goes all wide eyed startled, then puts on the most innocent look. He holds a hand up to his mouth, a barrier between him and Athos, and whispers something into the camera then does lofty innocence. Athos gets his phone out and checks instagram. There’s Porthos, same innocent look from another angle. Athos presses play:

Uh oh my boo just noticed I’ve been switching his coffee out for decaf gotta be mr innocence himself, followers. Shhh.

Athos scrolls through the comments. They say things like ‘I ship it’ and ‘who is mr mystery, mr innocence?’ and ‘when will we meet this mystery boo!’. Athos firms his mouth and looks over at Porthos again. Porthos’s lips twitch. Athos watches it on the video story and likes the way Porthos’s eyes get crinkles.

Boo is reading your comments stop he is sending death glares

The comments start at ‘aww’ and go from there, ending on ‘I want to sit on your face PhantasticPharmacist’. Athos blinks at that one.

Guys, my boo is sat right there reading your dirtinesses. Come on internet, be good for me. Ok I’m peacing out, do nice nail art and tag me so I can see! Goodnight.

Porthos blows the camera a kiss and it blinks out. Athos scrolls idly through Porthos’s insta for a while. He hasn’t looked before but now it seems Porthos is internet famous. Or at least a little. He has followers, anyway. A couple of hundred of them. His insta is mostly pictures of his nails, Flea’s nails tonight, Constance’s hair, a make up tutorial video. Athos clicks a link in the bio to YouTube and clicks on the first video.

“No, don’t-” Porthos says, as the first strains of sound emit from Athos’s phone. It’s too late, though.

Athos watches in fascination as Porthos, in odd lighting, peers into a bulb-frame-lit mirror, starting to do his make-up. It goes on in silence for a few seconds then sound buzzes and cracks like the beginning of a record, and then a strung out feminine voice starts to sing, wordless, cracking, and underneath it a deeper voice, also feminine, weaving ‘If I were a Boy’ by Rhianna into the wordless notes. The video switches sharply to Constance, sat on a toilet with a small mirror touching up her lipstick and examining her hair.

“What?” Athos says.

“It’s a music video,” Porthos says. “Um, yeah. You can stop now.”

Athos turns it off, as requested, but not before Porthos sings along in the mirror, glittering his cheekbones.

“That’s so cool,” Athos breathes, looking at the video, frozen on Porthos with his eyes shut doing eyeshadow. “That… is so cool. You’re YouTube people!”

“No. Flea and Constance do music and rope me in now and then,” Porthos says. “I mostly rant about films on that.”

Athos pokes the back button and sees, as Porthos says, a list of film names with exclamations, ‘@’ signs, ‘~’, ‘#’, ‘$’ and more in various awful combinations of keysmash or Asterix and Obelix style swearing. He so badly wants to watch one, but Porthos doesn’t seem to want him to so he doesn’t. Even though there’s a rant about Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them, which was awesome and terrible and conflicting and Athos badly wants to hear Porthos’s opinion.

“I should get going,” Treville says, stretching. He claps Athos on the back, gets up and kisses Porthos’s hair, then wanders out.

“Bye!” Constance calls, settling in.

“Yep, see you!” Flea calls, also pointedly getting comfy.

“Oh piss off,” Porthos says. “There is going to be no drama for you vultures to watch. Go make Athos more decaf coffee.”

“I think I’m good actually,” Athos says, lips twitching. “Though I am far more sleepy than I planned to be and it’s freezing outside, do you mind if I crash here?”

He’s slept on the sofa once before (after That Afternoon - Porthos had been baffled but accommodating). He likes it, it’s comfortable; he’s short, it fits him.

“Yeah if you want,” Porthos says, looking pleased. Athos’s lips twitch. “Alright. Athos is ready for bed, so I’m kicking you two out.”

Flea and Constance, terribly entertained for some reason, nudge and cajole as Porthos flaps at them and busies them toward the front door. They spill out onto the drive laughing, running to the car.  Porthos gets busy making faces and giving the finger to Flea and Constance who have the interior lights on and are clearly still laughing hysterically. Athos, cold, reaches around him and shuts the door on the chaos.

“Oh, right,” Porthos says, turning, smiling. “Cold.”

“Yes,” Athos says. “I’m happy on the sofa.”

“Don’t be daft, I am gonna take you to bed and ravish you,” Porthos says.

“I’m ok with that,” Athos says. “But maybe slower.”

“Slow ravishings. Got it,” Porthos says, nodding solemnly before grinning again. He reaches out, though, and goes all tender and gentle, fingers touching Athos’s cheek, nudging his chin up till Athos looks right at him. “Slow as you like.”

Athos nods, embarrassed. Porthos pulls him into a hug and mutters some things Athos doesn’t catch, then bounces a little and pulls back to look at Athos. He grins conspiratorial and takes Athos’s hand, leading him up the stairs. There are more photo frames wonkily hung on the way up, a bendy distorting mirror at the top (Porthos pauses to pose and make faces), and then the hallway is lined with framed posters from concerts, plays, films. Athos wants to mooch and nose at all of them but Porthos is flinging open doors dramatically to announce ‘bathroom’, ‘airing cupboard’, and then he holds a door for a second and wiggles his eyebrows at Athos. ‘Bedroom’, he whispers, stupidly seductive. Athos’s lips twitch and Prothos gives a little laugh and opens the door. The room is… messy. Clothes on the floor, a pile of teetering books on a desk, an open wardrobe. The bed’s unmade but looks inviting and warm, and quite clean. The curtains are open and Athos can see quite well. He looks at the walls, looking for more photos or posters.

There is one. It’s A2, framed next to the wardrobe. It’s a picture of a flower. Or… not. Athos tilts his head and reaches to put on the light. Definitely not. There are labia. And a clitoris. There’s writing all around it in a pretty swirl: Proud Cunt Owning Men! And little black stick figures. Athos stares at it for a while, then moves on. There are a few costume designs pinned up, lovely inky lines and fluffy spreading watercolours, elongated necks, high heeled shoes, sequins, black scribbly writing and arrows. Athos moves closer to one, then another.

“Did you do these?” he asks.

“Yeah, for our drag show,” Porthos says, sitting on the bed and pulling off his jumper and t-shirt. “Heating should come in for a bit around now, will you be warm enough?”

“Sure,” Athos says, turning away from the wall adornment and back to Porthos.

“Are you gonna watch me undress?” Porthos asks, shifting.

“Do you want me to?”

“No,” Porthos says, grimacing and looking down at himself, arms around his body.

“You’re lovely,” Athos says. “Beautiful. Wonderful. You look incredible. Do you have anything I can wear as pyjamas?”

Porthos gets him a really big soft t-shirt with ‘Who’s the Huffliest? This guy’ written across it, a picture of a badger swaggering, and a pair of boxers. Athos goes to change in the bathroom, awkward and a bit humiliated about that. When he gets back Porthos is wearing grey cotton pyjama bottoms and a t-shirt that says ‘I be Hufflin’’ and another badger. Athos smiles.

“‘puff pride,” Porthos says, eyes on the carpet, hand rubbing the back of his neck. He looks up and meets Athos’s eyes all of a sudden, chin tilting up in desperate pride. “I’m not ashamed of my body, I don’t mind being naked with you, I’m just not ready yet. I won’t… I’m not ashamed.”

“Oh. I thought,” Athos says, then laughs. “I’m not ready yet, either, I thought I was hiding from you.”

“I thought you were giving me privacy,” Porthos mutters. “Should’ve known you weren’t that observant.”

“Hey,” Athos says. Though, fair enough, he doesn’t notice everything. “Can I watch your YouTube videos some time?”

“Sure,” Porthos says, sighing and sitting on the bed. “Not ashamed of that, either. Just that I’m out everywhere, you know? I dunno what I’ve told you.”

“No idea,” Athos says, sitting beside him. “Told me about what?”

“I’m trans.”

“Oh. Me too, what a quinkydink,” Athos says, sarcastically. “I know that, Porthos. Duh.”

“Oi,” Porthos says, sounding hurt.

“You told me,” Athos says, poking him, exasperate. “I don’t know what to do with touchy Porthos.”

“Hey,” Porthos says. “I’m not ‘touchy’. Just uncertain, give over would you?”

“I’m uncertain too,” Athos snaps, then feels sheepish. “it makes me abrasive. Sorry.”

“What an evening,” Porthos mutters. “Ok. Shall we… lie down?”

“Are you ready to sleep?”

“Not really,” Porthos says, laughing. “Are you?”

“No.”

They end up lying on Porthos’s floor and smoking weed. It’s a vice that Athos is actually ok with and not addicted to. It just makes him limp and giddy, lying on the floor among Porthos’s things is lovely, listening to Porthos rambling on and on and on about Hufflepuff house and Newt Scamander who he was so sure was Arabic and probably Iranian but who he still loved and Cedric who is so good at quidditch and didn’t really die it was all a trick and Professor Sprout the absolute best lesbian in the world and probably dating Madam Hooch and on and on and on. Athos shifts so he can rest his head on Porthos’s stomach and feel the rise and fall of his breathing as he talks and smokes. Athos falls asleep somewhere between the Many Lesbians of Hogwarts and the Fat Friar who is probably only the best ghost in the whole entire universe. Porthos wakes him, later. It’s dark and the warm.

“Bed time,” Porthos sing songs, pressing kisses to Athos’s cheeks.

“Carry me,” Athos suggests, lifting his arms and crooking his knees.

Porthos snorts and refuses to do that even though Athos is ever so little and light as a feather. Athos ends up on his feet, Porthos still curled on the floor. Athos hauls Porthos up and Porthos suggests Athos carry him and goes boneless and giggly. Athos drags him over to the bed and they collapse onto it. They wriggle under the duvet, Porthos still vibrating with giggles, and then Porthos starts snoring loudly, lying in a great sprawl on his back. Athos pokes him until he lies on his side. He expects Porthos to be a snuggler, but he’s not; he leaves Athos half the bed and Athos falls asleep too. In the morning Athos discovers that Porthos is after all a snuggler, he just migrates and octopuses in his sleep: Athos wakes up encompassed, squashed, embraced, Porthos’s breath hot on the back of his neck.

“Are we going to do talking?” Porthos asks, over coffee.

He has coffee anyway, Athos has orange juice and toast doing the not caffeine thing again. Porthos is eating an orange, leaning against the sink. He’s dressed and showered, did that almost as soon as he woke up, disentangling himself a little embarrassed.

“I don’t,” Athos says, clipped, watching him.

“Only, that’s stupid,” Porthos says. He makes a rabbit face at Athos. “Sorry I cuddled you without checking. I was unconscious though so you can hardly be mad.”

“I’m not,” Athos assures.

“Ok. Do you like it? Is that what you want?” Porthos asks. “In the daytime, too?”

“I am having breakfast,” Athos says, and finishes his toast in silence, refusing to answer Porthos’s questions.

When he’s eaten he gets up and leaves quickly. It’s not until he’s home that he realises he’s still wearing Porthos’s t-shirt.

IV

Athos is lying by the river, in the grass. It’s cold but he’s got a good coat on. He could lie on the ground at home where it’s warm but Porthos might find him there and Athos is still humiliated after running away in the morning, two weeks ago. Not that Porthos has contacted him or tried to get in touch in any way. Ok that might be a bit of the problem. He can’t call Treville to complain like he usually might. He could call Aramis but Aramis, on the run up to Christmas, is deeply unhappy and could probably do with a break from Athos Drama. Or maybe Athos Drama is just what he needs, as a distraction. Athos is considering this, looking through Aramis’s tumblr (many many reblogged gif-sets of Chris Evans and Chris Hemsworth and Hamilton stuff), when someone comes and lies down beside him. It’s Porthos, obviously, because who else would find him in a field in freezing November and lie down next to him?

“I’m sorry,” Athos says.

“Yeah,” Porthos says, sighing. “I wasn’t looking for you you know.”

“No?”

“I was walking,” Porthos says, shrugging. Athos feels him shrug.

“I can ignore you if you like,” Athos says.

“Doing a good job of that,” Porthos says. “You have my t-shirt, I like that one.”

“You shall have it back,” Athos says. “Are we breaking up?”

“How am I meant to know? You haven’t said a word to me since I asked if you like cuddling,” Porthos says.

“I did, I told you I was eating breakfast,” Athos defends. It’s pretty weak even to him. “I’m hopeless at this.”

“I don’t care,” Porthos says, indignant and frustrated, Athos can hear it. “And don’t you sigh at me like that. I get that you have had this reaction before and it’s nothing new to you. It’s new to me and I’m allowed to react to you ignoring me.”

“It’s not like you texted or anything.”

“It was my duty to text, was it? Me who owed you an apology? Who ran off with a demand that we Never Ever Talk,” Porthos grumbles. Then huffs. “You’re meant to care for me. That’s all it is; caring. You know how to do that.”

“I do?”

“If you don’t I’m not teaching you,” Porthos snaps.

“Fine,” Athos snaps right back.

“Fine,” Porthos returns.

“I do care for you,” Athos mutters, grumpily, into his coat collar. “I just don’t know how to… talk about it.”

“Then find a way to communicate it to me. A way that includes not running away when I ask your consent for something. I, by the way, do like cuddling. You never asked. I liked sleeping with you, you never asked that either. I was ok, that morning, feeling a bit scared but ok. You didn’t ask. You didn’t ask me anything, Athos.”

“You need a litany of questions?”

“I need you to check in,” Porthos says. “I need us to be clear about consent and intimacy. I need to be able to ask you things, when I’m uncertain.”

“Well maybe,” Athos snaps, then stops. Why is he even arguing this? He’s been waiting for an opportunity for the past fortnight and now he’s fucking it up by scrunching up defensively. “Maybe I should apologize.”

“I don’t want to make you do things.”

“No. I am sorry, actually, I’ve been waiting for you to get in touch so I could tell you. I thought perhaps you needed space, I can see now I should have let you know I was giving you space, not just made assumptions,” Athos says. “I do like cuddling but only pre-arranged. No stealth hugs. In the day time. Night time, if we’re sleeping together that is consent for hugs.”

“Promise,” Porthos says.

“Are you ok?” Athos asks. Porthos snorts. “Now. For real.”

“Yes,” Porthos says, softly. “I’m ok.”

“Good. Shall we walk?”

They do, to Iffley lock and then turning back on themselves, still wanting to be together, and heading toward Sandford the other direction. Porthos reaches tentatively for Athos’s hand and Athos gives it to him, then remembers what Porthos said about needing verbal assurance when he was uncertain (that’s what Athos thinks he meant, anyway).

“I am ok with stealth hand holding,” Athos says.

Porthos smiles at him, face a bit pinched with emotion. Athos shakes his head and stomps on a bit, then comes back and allows the intimacy, allows himself to be a little tender, allows Porthos to be whatever he is. They stand close, holding hands, until Porthos’s breathing steadies, then they walk on. Caring for Porthos isn’t, afterall, so difficult, Athos decides. He likes it, he really likes it, his heart feels big as he stops again to let Porthos, distracted by looking at something, catch up. He touches Porthos’s chest and then his cheek and Porthos smiles bemusedly at him. They walk onwards.

[littlebabycrybtch]

ok ik bitches are still going to complain but i gotta rant to keep my shit together;;; ngl after being stuck co-raising two babies now i really feel genuinely Disgusted by unnecessary parent critique. like it actually makes me feel so viscerally upset and depressed when i remember nobody gets this or cares to and probably just wants to call out what im doing wrong, instead of lend me a hand to do it better. man im not treading lightly here the ‘no excuses’ mentality is literally Inhumane to parents and dehumanizes them as these superhumans, they arent, they are people trying to take care of themselves Plus One. there Are ‘excuses’ for not being perfect. just bc every child deserves perfect doesnt mean it can be given and that fucking SUCKS but that is one of the only times im comfortable saying; ‘thats just life’. you cant magically make life better for kids the way you think, you’re not a protector, you’re their Rock to teach them How to DEAL with what life brings, that means you’re allowed to struggle with it too. childcare is like this cosmic design to work you physically and mentally to the brink, fucking forget the normalization of how many people you think you’ve seen raise kids and done fine, it is harder than you can even fathom. they probably did not do fine behind closed doors. the parents with the best behaved and most obedient kids probably did harmful things to make them that way that will eventually come back to them, the parents with the happiest most well adjusted kids probably had the money to provide the extra care for that. there are ‘excuses’. idc if it fucking annoys you or w/e, i dont like being the bitch that says stuff nobody wants to hear, but you truly deeply cannot 100% understand unless you are raising kids, i dont say that to hurt your feewings or exclude you, i used to think that way, i say it bc when you see me passed out on the couch while my nephew gets into something dangerous, its because i got one hour of sleep that night while he kicked me in our bed for 4 hours. he cant help not knowing how that affects both of us, but i cant help being affected by it just cuz im supposed to be ~the big strong adult~, bc i am not a fucking xman. i CANT pretend it all away. while im sitting there napping im also waiting for my mental health meds to start working. im also dizzy from not eating. it sucks that he gets into shit sometimes. hes still gonna get into shit sometimes, and i can do my best, but if i sit here worrying that karens are gonna get pissed abt that and work myself even harder im gonna straight up explode. who does that help. who does me falling apart help. come babysit my kid for free if you wanna help me bitch!

parents are doing twice the work of a normal person while also teaching one of these people theyre caring for, how to BE a person. i used to be SO pro judging parents and im literally nauseated by the judgments now. “i cant believe this parent looked away and their kid got hurt, i cant beleive they just leave them there with a tablet or a snack or a toy while they nap, i cant believe they let them do that, i cant believe--” btich you literally have no idea how lucky you are that they are not both already dead. you are so lucky tehy are both alive and the parent isnt hospitalized for mental health or even physical exhaustion, or addicted to a stimulant (which includes caffeine), or using smth to relax like weed or alcohol (hello wine mom culture), or the kid isnt traumatized from watching their parent have repeatd breakdowns. that is literally better than most situations already. no matter how impossibly perfect the family could be in your mind, kids fuckin get hurt and they make mistakes and the PARENTS make mistakes bc theyre PEOPLE and yall this blows my mind that ppl dont realize this but,,,,, Little kids??? THEY DO NOT LISTEN TO THEIR PARENTS bc they essentially CANT..... for like YEARS there is a period they WILL NOT LISTEN TO YOU at ALL while they have the full autonomy and smarts and strength to cause horrible consequential problems, they are capable of learning how to circumnavigate your ‘babyproofing’ in new ways every single day, but they have ZEROOOOO MORALS OR CAUSE AND EFFECT SKILLS to understand RIGHT FROM WRONG, NO MATTER HOW OFTEN YOU TELL THEM!!!!! IT WONT CHANGE, ITS LITERALLY A PHYSICAL BRAIN THING THAT THEY CANT LEARN WHAT ‘NO’ MEANS FOR A WHILE YET!!! THIS CAN LAST FROM AGE 1 TO 4, SOMETIMES LONGER! THATS GENUINELY INSANITY INDUCING FOR THE ADULT WHOS KEEPING THEM IN LINE HUNDREDS OF TIMES A DAY, KNOWING ITS AMOUNTING TO ALMOST NOTHING UNTIL YEARS LATER!!!! IT DOESNT HELP WHEN PPL JUDGE YOU AND DONT BELEIVE YOU AND THINK YOU JUST ARENT ~TRYING HARD ENOUGH~! holy FUCK dude, idc if you wanna judge, im losing it bc i am being forced to keep my cool while a child whos pinching me and genuinely HURTING and BRUISING me laughs in my face bc he truly DOES NOT KNOW this, and there is NO WAY for me to convey it to make him stop at the moment!!!! thats maddening!!!

listen to me, neither of you dying or experiencing lasting damage is literally the goal every day, not just ‘raising them’, but that you both survive to the end of it. im appalled by how different the lifestyle is and the way ppl just... dont know that/REJECT that information so they get to judge. ofc tiny vulnerable innocent kids deserve the best, parents cannot always provide that if they want to Survive, bc they also deserve , basic understanding and humanity. you call out abuse all you want, theres a difference between the 'lesser of two evils’ choices, or even the genuinely Bad choices you can Accidentally make when at your wits end (which you should immediately correct anyways), and ever causing intentional physical or mental harm to the child, but the secodn yall start nitpicking or blatantly being ignorant to a struggle just so you get your blame validation in i literally cannot AFFORD to give you the time of day, im busy running on minutes of sleep, so if you think i have enough free time to entertain ur whining that my kids got a messy face and has been on his tablet in a highchair for an hour or w/e, idc, im using that time to shower for the first time in 2 weeks bc nobody else is gonna be there for me to let me do that shit :) so frankly put your money where your mouth is and help struggling parents whenever you can. i cant make shit better out of thin air.

“oh, but i dont have the money to help you.” YOU THINK IM AFFORDING CHILDCARE?? YOU CAN COME OVER AND HELP DIRECTLY WHILE I DO CHORES. “oh, but i dont wanna babysit for my friends, i dont like kids.” OH REALLY?????? OH YOU DONT LIKE KIDS??? BC THEYRE DIFFICULT MAYBE ??? SO MAYBE YOU SHOULDNT JUDGE WHEN ITS HARD THEN????? LIKE YOU RLY THINK JUST ‘LIKING THEM’ SUDDENLY MAKES IT EASY FOR ME?? YOU THINK ME FINDING MY NEPHEW CUTE AND LOVING HIM AND HIS LAUGHTER GIVES ME FUCKING SUPERMAN POWERS TO DEAL WITH THIS???????? “but You chose to have kids” rt in my case i literally didnt and would be homeless if not offering to help care for them but HEY COOL CONCEPT PRO CHOICE KINDA FUCKIN INCLUDES WHEN PEOPLE ‘CHOOSE’ TO HAVE KIDS EVEN WHEN THEY STRUGGLE AFTER, TOO LATE TO FUCKIN COMPLAIN NOW, JUST HELP A BITCH OUT. LIke... bro BRO b R O im losing it stop giving parents the inspiration porn treatment while disrespecting the actual struggles they go thru any time the child actually suffers bc they are unable to shield them from their struggle. can i be real, life literally will not go without struggle. you cannot raise them to have a life better than what the world is, you can do your best but you really cant MAKE it fair. once again this is not a ‘raise the perfect child’ contest you are just . trying to raise them at all. its messy. every single day you will have successes and failures, and you’ll be running on empty, and you’ll be doing that just to make it through to do it again tomorrow, while it slowly (AGONIZINGLY SLOWLY) gets easier each day. im tired of pretending lmao i dont wanna hear you bitches judge parents anymore, i dont wanna hear the stupid ass ‘im allowed to’ shit anymore dude!!!!! for gods sake i can agree with you when some shits just plain wrong but ill never apologize for standing up for myself or other struggling parents even if it makes you uncomfy, i can care about Both the child and the parent at the same time, ig i wont ask you why you seemingly cant. 😶 ESPECIALLY when things like classism and ableism tie in so often with these situations. not to mention racism like im white but hoooo if i hear one more story about a black parents ‘negligence’ in efforts of just trying to help their family, like leaving their kids somewhere during a job interview or w/e, vs the white parents that LET THEIR 10 YR OLDS WANDER AROUND MALLS BY THEMSELVES... im gonna scream. im gonna fuckin scream. its so unfair. fuck off, stop the spiteful ignorance, change this shitty hateful culture.

tldr; you Can care about kids while respecting parents, even when they arent perfect. you can advocate for children while also advocating for parents, and in fact, you should fucking try.