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abrakophile · 4 years ago

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I was looking through a bunch of junk and found some letters from my dad when he was in the army. I’m afraid I'll accidently toss them, so maybe I’ll put them here?

OPs Name JUNE 02 03

I LOVE YOU

THIS IS MY NAME IN KURDISH

*my dad wrote his first and last name, and under it, in Kurdish*

ILL TRY AND FIND OUT HOW TO WRITE YOUR NAME AND MOMS TOO.

ITS STILL HOT. I WORK AND READ BOOKS TO PASS THE TIME AWAY.

HOW ARE YOU DOING? GOOD I HOPE. WHAT DO YOU DO FOR FUN? DO YOU EVER HANG OUT WITH YOUR FRIENDS? TELL THEM I SAID “WASSUP?” NAH, DONT TELL THEM. TELL ME WHAT YOUR THINKING. I’M TRYING TO SEND YOU SOME MORE OF MY DRAWINGS. WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DRAW YOU? DID YOU LIKE THE DRAWING I SENT YOU OF YOU NAME? ITS ALRIGHT IF YOU DIDNY. JUST TELL ME WHAT YOU DO WANT ME TO DRAW YOU.

(Flip Page)

THIS IS WEIRD! (The page does not have lines on the left side of it) i WONDER WHAT HAPPENED TO THIS PIECE OF PAPER. HaHa

I MISS YOU ALOT. PLEASE SOND ME SOME MORE OF YOUR DRAWINGS, YOU CAN DRAW ME ANYTHING YOU WANT TO.

ARE YOU BEING GOOD FOR YOUR MOM? ITS NICE IF YOU HELP HER OUT WHILE I’M AWAY.

HAVE YOU BEEN ANYPLACE NEW? HOW IS SCHOOL GOING FOR YOU? IS MOMMY GOING TO SCHOOL? I KNOW I WANT TO GO TO SCHOOL WHEN I GET BACK. HOPEFULLY I GET THE CHANCE TO LEARN EVERYTHING THAT THERE IS TO KNOW. THAT WOULD BE GREAT.

ALSO, ID LIKE TO DO SOME FISHING? HOW ABOUT YOU? I GUESS ILL END HERE. BE GOOD AND STAY IN SCHOOL. AND JUST SAY NO TO DRUGS.

THEYRE BAD.

I LIVE YOU OP

*hearts and x’s* DADDY

---

(I don’t know if all these pages are in order or if it’s missing any, but this was the letter in the same stack as the last but this one was for my mom. In some places his indents indicate passage of time.)

I HAVENT HAD ANY TIME TO WRITE SINCE WEVE BEEN ON THE ROAD, NOT TO MENTION THAT WE CAN’T SEND MAIL WHEN WE’RE MOVING ALL THE TIME.

WEVE BEEN ON THE ROAD FOR ABOUT FIVE OR SIX DAYS, I HAVENT REALLY BEEN COUNTING. I KNOW I TOLD YOU THAT WE’D BE IN KUWAIT FOR A WHILE, BUT THAT WAS SO YOU WOULDNT BE WORRIED. I’M GOING TO KEEP THIS LETTER THOUGH, TILL I GET HOME.

ABOUT TWO NIGHTS AGO, WE DROVE THROUGH BAGDHAD, SOMEBODY SAID THAT THERE WERE PILED BODIES, I DONT KNOW IF IT WAS TRUE.

AND I GUESS YESTERDAY, A COUPLE OF PEOPLE SAID THEY SAW A MISSILE OR SOEMTHING SHOT AT US. I WAS TRYING TO FIX A TRUCK SO I DIDNT SEE IT.

ITS NOT AS DUSTY HERE IN IRAQ. IT REMINDS ME OF THE CONVOYS IN KOREA.

MOST OF THE PEOPLE WILL WAVE “HI”. SOME OTHERS DONT.

I SAW A KID OPEN HIS HAND ONCE WHILE MOVING, AND IT SAID “BUSH” THAT WAS KIND OF COOL.

OH YEAH. HERES A STORY. WHILE OUT DOING A MISSION, ONE OF OUR “BRADLEY” TANKS FIRED ON AN ENEMY AMMO TRUCK AND CLIPPED A KID. THE ROUNDS BLEW ONE OF HIS LEGS OFF AND SOME OF THE OTHER, FROM THE KNEE DOWN. SO THE MEDICS PICKED HIM UP AND BROUGHT HIM TO OUR RECONCOLIDATING POINT FOR MEDICAL TREATMENT. I GUESS HE EVENTUALLY DIED FROM LOSS OF BLOOD THE NEXT NIGHT AND YESTERDAY THEY TOOK HIM OUT AND BURIED HIM.

ALSO WE PICKED UP ABOUT 25-30 P.O.W.s AND SENT THEM SOUTH.

IT GETS PRETTY COLD AT NIGHT. AND THE DAY’S ARE VERY HOT.

SINCE WE LEFT KUWAIT ITS BEEN ME AND MENDOZA IN THE FIVE TON WRECKER AND I HAVE TO ADMIT THAT ITS BEEN EXCITING. WE KEPT GETTING SEPERATED FROM THE CONVOY AND BREAKING DOWN. BUT I THINK THAT WERE BETTER NOW. HOPEFULLY.

IM STILL WAITING TO BE AMBUSHED TO MAKE ALL THIS SEEM REAL TO ME. A PART OF ME WANTS IT AND ANOTHER DOESNT.

AND IT SEEMS LIKE ONLY OUR UNIT HAS TO STAY IN UNIFORM, EVERYONE ELSE WEARS T-SHIRTS AND BANDENA’S AND RAGS ON THEIR HEAD

WERE STILL GOING NORTH. NOBODY KNOWS HOW LONG WE’LL STAY. ITS NOT THAT BAD HERE. MEANING, IT COULD BE WORSE.

I USED A “SHIT-CHAIR”. ITS JUST A METAL CHAIR WITH A HOLE CUT IN THE MIDDLE AND THE SEAT FROM A TOILET BOLTED TO IT, GROSS.

HELICOPTERS CAN BE HEARD ALL DAY AND NIGHT. I GOT TO SEE THEM DROP BOMBS ALL DAY ABOUT 3 DAYS AGO, FROM A DISTANCE OF COURSE.

ILL BE DRIVING AGAIN, IN A MINUTE. PROBABLY RE-FUEL AND BACK ON THE ROAD AGAIN. IM ENJOYING IT.

I HAVE 8 MAGAZINES FULL OF ROUNDS. NO GRENADES, BUT I LIKE IT LIKE THAT.

SOMETIMES IT SMELLS LIKE SHIT.

I GUESS ILL END IT HERE FOR NOW

I LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU TWO TWICE IF NOT THRICE AS MUCH AS YOU MIGHT MISS ME TOO.

HELLO AGAIN. WERE SOMEWHERE NEAR TIKRI + MOSUL. YESTERDAY, ME + MENDOZA WENT LOOKING FOR MOMENTO’S. WE BROKE A LOCK TO A NEAR BY BUNKER AND FOUND 6 A.K.47s! BUT ON OUR WAY BACK TO TURN THEM IN, MAJOR TATU GOT THEM FROM US. I WAS SO PISSED. BUT I GOT A GAS MASK w/ FILTER, A FULL MAGAZINE CLIP FROM ONE OF THE A.K.s AND A BERET WITH IRAQ 1 RANK ON IT.

I MADE A STENCIL FOR THE TRUCK WERE RIDING IN. ITS CALLED THE “GAMBLER.” YESTERDAY MENDOZA DROVE, SO TODAY ILL BE DRIVING.

IM NOT POSITIVE, BUT, I THINK WERE GOING TO TURKEY. NIETO SAYS THAT HE OVERHEARD SOMEBODY FROM S1 (or SI, I’m not sure) SAYING WE MIGHT GET PAID EXTRA FOR GOING THROUGH BAGHDAD.

I THINK NIETO’S MAD AT ME. CANT EXPLAIN WHY. MAYBE ITS BECAUSE IM RIDING WITH MENDOZA AND HE DOESNT LIKE MENDOZA TOO MUCH. OH WELL, WHATEVER REASON, HOPE THINGS GET NORMAL AGAIN. HAVE TO GO,

*hearts and xs*

TODAY IS THE 25th OF APRIL, I RECEIVED FIVE OR SIX (OR SEVEN) LETTERS YESTERDAY. THE LATEST WAS DATED 07 OF APRIL. THAT TELLS ME THAT ITS GOING TO TAKE A WHILE TO COMMUNICATE.

WE HAVENT RECEIVED MAIL BECAUSE WEVE BEEN MOVING NEVER STAYING IN ONE PLACE MORE THAN A DAY, OR TWO, UNTIL NOW. WE’VE BEEN IN THIS SPOT GOING ON FOUR DAYS TOMORROW?!

GIVE ME A MINUTE...

FOR THE LAST COUPLE OF DAYS IVE BEEN HELPING MENDOZA PULL THE ENGINE OUT OF A 5 TON TRUCK AND SWITCH IT w/ ANOTHER ONE. IT WOULD HAVE BEEN EASY BUT THE FLY WHEEL SEIZED UP INSIDE THE BELL HOUSING. ITS FINISHED NOW AND THE RUMOR IS WE’RE LEAVING (OR MOVING) AGAIN TOMORROW.

ITS 10:33 THURSDAY MORNING. YOUR TIME IS 12:32 JUST TURNING THURSDAY.

I ALMOST CRYED WHEN I SAW ELIS PICTURE. I REALLY MISS BOTH OF YOU. LET ME BACK TO BEFORE I GOT DISTRACTED. I HAVENT BEEN ABLE TO SEND MAIL BECAUSE WE’VE BEEN MOVING. BUT I GUESS THAT WHATEVER THREAT THERE WAS (IF ANY), ISNT SO THREATFUL ANYMORE, WE CAN START RECEIVING AND SENDING MAIL. NO PHONE TO CALL FROM, AND NO INTERNET TO E-MAIL FROM.

THE WHOLE UNIT IS SCATTERED, SO EVEN IF I GET WHAT YOU NEED IT’LL TAKE FOREVER TO GET IT TO YOU. LET ME PULL THOSE LETTERS BACK OUT. OH WAIT. I DID LAUNDRY AND SOME UNDERWEAR THATS DRY, FELT HARD, OH WELL, WAIT A SECOND, K

I HAD TO FOLD SOME T-SHIRTS. ALL MY SOCKS ARE STILL DAMP.

YOU CAN USE MY CONTRACT TO SHOW THAT I ENLISTED IN TEXAS AND HOWS THIS

*On a separate sheet my dad wrote a detailed note for my mom to give to someone to confirm that he did want to buy a house. He writes “I AM ALIVE AND WELL.” and “PLEASE ACCEPT THIS PAPER”, then he signed it with his scribble signature, and underneath it wrote his name in print and added “1st SQUADRON 10th CAVALRY HEADQUARTERS TROOP (I have no clue what this means)*

HOW’S THAT? HOPE I SPELLED EVERYTHING CORRECTLY. IM ALMOST READY WITH A DESIGN TO COVER THE OTHER TATTOOS ON MY LEFT FOREARM.

I JUST FINISHED LOOKING OVER ALL THOSE LETTERS YOU SENT FOR ME

IM BACK! I GOT SLEEPY SO I TRYED TO LAY DOWN FOR A LITTLE BIT. NO SLEEP. I DONT THINK. I DIDNT HAVE ENOUGH WATER TO WASH MY DCV’S AND A PAIR OF BDV’S. BESIDES FOR DRINKING WATER, BUT WE HAVE TO CONSERVE IT.

LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT THE RUMORS. TOMORROW WE’LL BE LEAVING FOR THE IRAN/IRAQ BORDER TO DO “PEACE KEEPING” FOR 3 TO 6 mths. OTHERS SAY THAT THE 4ID (i think is what this says) GENERAL WANTS TO KEEP US HERE TILL NOV., THATS WHEN 1 CAV WILL COME TO REPLACE US. WHILE OTHERS SAY WE MIGHT LEAVE BY JUNE. NOTHINGS FOR SURE.

SMALLER RUMORS FLOATING AROUND THE SITE ARE; RAMSEY AND SFC BACON ARE SLEEPING TOGETHER. SGT SIREK HAS PLANS TO TAKE NIETO AS HIS APPRENTICE AND PADIWAN LEARNER OF THE DARK SIDE. LITTLE BLACK ARNOLD IS MILITARY INTELLIGENCE FOR SPECIAL FORCES OPERATING UNDER COVER A SURVEILLENCE AS PART OF

*the rest of the page is blank*

IM BACK. TODAY IS THE 27th. I GOT BACK TO THE LITTLE CAMP AREA ABOUT AN HOUR AND A HALF AGO. I LEFT YESTERDAY MORNING TO, WELL, AS PART OF DE-CON (DE-CONTAMINATION) MISSION. HERES THE INFORMATION THAT I GATHERED.

A SITE HAD BEEN FOUND THAT WAS THOUGHT TO HAVE CHEMICAL WEAPONS AND 1-10 WAS APPOINTED TO GO TO THE SITE AND DE-CON THE CIVILIANS THAT WERE GOING TO OPEN THEM. AS IT TURNS OUT THE CIVILIANS HAVE BEEN DE-LAYED AND WOULD BE SET BACK 1 DAY.

THE NBC TEAM THAT I WAS WITH WERENT PREPARED TO STAY OVER NIGHT AND AS FORCASTED BY SSG MINOR WE MIGHT HAVE HAD TO STAY 3 TO 4 DAYS. EVERYBODY WAS PISSED.

LATELY ITS BEEN GETTING REALLY COLD AT NIGHT AND WE JUST HAPPENED TO BE NEAR A RUNNING RIVER. SO THE, ITS ABOUT 9 O’CLOCK AND IM BEAT, NO SLEEPING BAG OR ANYTHING TO COVER UP WITH AND I DECIDE TO TRY AND SLEEP. I GET AS COMFORTABLE AS POSSIBLE AND I GET ATTACKED BY MOSQUITOS. NOW IM PISSED SO I DECIDED TO JUST TO STAY UP ALL NIGHT. ABOUT 10PM ONE OF THE HEMTT (this might just say “hemi”, I don’t know) FUELERS SHOWS UP AND SGT TORRES SAYS HE HAS EVERYBODYS SLEEPING BAG! THE SITES ABOUT 45 MINS AWAY AND THEY LEFT SOMETIME MID AFTERNOON TO GET OUR SHIT, I HATE THESE PEOPLE.

RIGHT NOW ITS 9:01 PM AND ITS 11:02 AM YOUR TIME. I MISS YOU.

RIGHT NOW IM GOING TO ADDRESS AN ENVELOPE AND HAVE IT READY TO SEND TOMMOROW THE 28th. IM SORRY IF IT SEEMS THAT IM NOT WRITING VERY OFTEN. FOR A WHILE WE COULDN’T. AND NOW THAT IT SEEMS WE MIGHT BE HERE A LITTLE WHILE, THEYVE KEPT ME REALLY BUSY. LET ME ADDRESS THE ENVELOPES (he drew a star here)

ALL DONE. I THOUGHT ABOUT THE HOUSE A LOT TODAY AND YESTERDAY. IM SURE BY THE TIME THIS LETTER REACHES YOU, YOU’LL HAVE EITHER GOTTEN IT OR GAVE IT UP. IM O.K. WITH EITHER DECISION YOUVE MADE.

YOUVE KEPT THIS FAMILY TOGETHER, AND THAT MAKES ME PROUD. YOUR SMART, ATTRACTIVE AND FUNNY. AND YOU DONT TAKE ANY SHIT FROM ANYBODY. I LOVE YOU.

I HOPE THAT OUR DAUGHTER TURNS OUT TO BE LIKE YOU.

I GUESS ILL MAIL THIS TOMORROW, FIRST THING, SO

EVER YOURS

EVER MINE

*my dad signed it with his scribble, and wrote his name under it. under that are hearts and x’s with my mom’s name and then my name under hers.*

#very personal but where the fuck am i gonna put them? you know where i kinda cant lose them?#letters from the guy that was my dad #pt 1 #long post

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theworldsoul · 4 years ago

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I dont know. I do know. I can holy many truths.

I KNOW that therapy would probably be. A logical good step. Soemthing good. But also I KNOW that I can't ask my parents for that. I KNOW our insurance for that ran out and I KNOW they will be very judgy and I KNOW I dont want to deal with their bullshit.

But also

I don't know how ready I am. For this. I still cut myself and that's. An issue that can't be addressed in therapy. I have trouble trusting my own perception and that. Will fuck shit up a lot. And well...

Last time I went, I tried to seem totally fine, since I was only going on doctors orders to get MEDICINE THAT I NEEDED. I didn't want to deal w everything else.

Even so.... I cried so heavily every session it just DRAINED ME so badly having to touch all the topics I didnt want to touch. It was so exhausting... all it took was one session and I was out for the day. Being forced to talk about it and think about it and stuff... it was just so painful and after one session I literally couldnt do anything else during the day. One session and I was just in a lot of pain like... ugh I always hated that. That's the one thing that's very off putting to me about the whole idea. That I'll be so tired after.

#therapy #considering therapy #but im #scared

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sweetbunnykook · 6 years ago

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Thank you bunny for that new chapter!!! but in just wondering coz i back read chap 5 and 6 when 7 came out. but how did jk knew about hoseok and yoongi helping Jin? im not sure if i missed out that detail. and now about chap 7to be honest its quite fascinating to read about how noona and jk’s relationship progress. they are slowly being honest with their own feelings about whats the role of the other person in their lives. yes, they do love each other in ways they know how, 1

2 but to be honest its like they areplaying tug of war. tugging the weakness of the other person for them to feed from it and feel personal satisfaction. its so wrong in all levels but oh so satisfying as it unfolds right before the readers. im happy about how tae and chubby oc is finally being introduce in the story! im excited to see the contrast of their story with jk and noona. but ilm just wondering coz weve seen noona’s, jk’s and yuri’s side of the story. but how about namjoon’s pov.

3 is he feeling thay way in chap 6 because he realize that he really loves noona? if his mistress is not pregnant will he try to win her back? or os it beacuse he is more concern about his family image and the complications of his mistake outside the relationship? it would be interesting to see how his. liek a .5 chap or soemthing. butnpla dont take it as if im pressuring you. im just genueinely thinking about his sideof the story, bunny! love u!!!

Thank you so much for reading it bby!! Love you too!! 💖 lemme address some of your questions.

1. How did JK knew about Sope helping Jin? He doesn’t. During the chapter when he took noona to the mall and went to see Jimin, he was confused and a little upset that Tae didn’t tell him about going to Cuba and Hong Kong. That means Tae has been watching out for him and keeping notes on his files in the government database. I’m including more conversations between him and JK in the future to show how they work!!

2. Namjoon’s POV? I wanted Joon to stay in the background because the story is about noona and JK’s relationship. Although he was a big part of noona’s life, he’s no longer someone that she wants to see. However, noona would want some sort of closure with him in the future so she might have to have a talk with him after she throws away/gives back the jewelry he gave her.

3. Is Namjoon still in love with noona? If his mistress is not pregnant will he try to win her back? Is his reputation and infidelity stopping him? Namjoon is still in love with noona and he’s also a little fond of Yori too (as you can tell by the way he talked to Jin about her). But at the end of the day, the person he cares about most is about himself because there’s a lot of his own personal issues he needs to address. Since he’s from a very well-established family (alluded by the jewelry, the mall that his family owns, the influence his father has and the way his father mentored noona), he can’t abandon Yori and it’d look bad if noona marries him despite of it all. It was best that she left him. However, if Yori wasn’t pregnant, he would’ve fought extremely hard to get noona back. He knows that he hurt her greatly and there’s nothing he can do to fix his mistakes.

4. 0.5 chapter? There’s always a possibility but I’d rather focus my efforts on full chapters because it takes a lot of energy to write it and I’d rather not prolong the wait. :D I hope you understand!

- 🐰

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incoherentlynonexistent-blog · 6 years ago

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Unfortunate Outcome

Amazing how one person can change everything.....incredible as that same person becomes somebody they swore and promised to never become.....funny how you believed them, and the unfortunate outcome is the consequences you suffer because you trusted their word over everyone and everything....

It's so degrading...to now be where you're at only because you believed in something that wasnt ever real...

Hurtful to actually feel the loneliness kick in.....

Depressing to remember how little of an importance you were to them....

Unwilling to heal and move on because how do you pick yourself up after consistently being there for someone then for it to become abandoned and forgotten.....

It's the Unfortunet outcome to their mishaps that led me to becoming helpless and needy.

Sad thing is, I don't even know what it is that i want

Idk what I need....

I know I dont need this constant bullshit

Unfortunetly because I had so much hope and expectations

Its stupid to look back and realize how naive and oblivious I used to be

Now I guess they can say I made my own mess when they're the ones who lied and ridiculed me because I was drug along for so long

The most unfortunate thing about this is the outcome. Despite how much "better" they find this to be, I won't ever be able to be better....yea I have my good days, but even those arent good.....

Doesnt matter where they go

Doesnt matter the time they let slip by

Hell it doesn't matter what they do .

In still feeling the same things

I doubt ill ever have anything to help me endure this

I live everyday waiting still

I go about each day hoping anyone would love to be here again

I literally feel myself slipping

I'm already dead because of them

Added with how I'm still feeling

I'm not sure of this feeling will subside

It's all mind consuming

I can't just stop about this

It's the one thing that no-one understands

The reason why I'm like this

The answer is simple

Given the empty promises and then being just thrown way like yesterdays garbage

I'm miserable with this unfortunate outcome.....

I didnt get closure

Instead I get the only thing that's never changed

Them leaving my life.....

Something promised against but in the end

They all prove to be the same person that leff you to begin with ......

It's hard living and feeling like this

I have no faith

I don't have confidence

I'm trying to find a purpose

But I can't get far or enough to cease the memories....

They're just haunting to me now...

Only because of how and what I've done

You really think I can just magically become better

No.

It's not possible unless you actually are willing to be here

Or unless you actually gave me the closure I've been desiring

Until I'm given that

I will not get better.

I will not heal

This unfortunate outcome will be my life sentence

This isn't what I what wanted

None of this is

I don't want the depression

I dont care for the desire.

I just want to feel happy again.

I want a reason to actually smile and feel good about myself......

I just wished someone would hear me out

After asking for three years now...

I cant just move on

God Damn it man

If they only knew just how bad I really am

I wonder if things would be different....

I wonder if anyone wouldve left....

I just want someone to be here for me

Irs not ever been about my sex life or being in a relationship

My goal was to only be around the people who want to be here

Maybe ive beckne to fucked up to obtain that chance again

Unfortunate outcome is me being treated in such manner when the pupils who inflicted all that hurt and damage are the ones at fault for me becoming this way. They shut me out because I'm still fucked up over it. I was the original victim that became traumatized and untrusting, but I wouldnt be this irritable bitter suicidally depressed person that's unwilling to move on if it weren't for their actions.

I don't trust anybody any more

I don't even crack a smile

You know who you are

The person im addressing anyway ..

I hope you're happy

I hope you feel accomplished at what you created

With the unfortunate outcome that you refuse to have anything to do with what you started and fucked up numerous times......it leaves me like this.....

Idk how else to stress this fact

Because I cant get that little bit of respect....

When I shouldn't have been involved anyway

I should've walked away

I should've listened to the voice in my head

"Don't worry on going to the laundry mat

If I'd knew then what I knew now

I would've never showed up

I would have never existed

But its thanks to you ive gotten like this

Thanks to you I sit all day every day for the past few years pondering about whats wrong with me

Why am I not wanted. Why does everyone leave....see that's the difference between us, you're the one who does all the leaving. I linger because I believe in equal opportunity especially when so much effort was put into it in the first place. I believe in those who remain loyal and true on their word, but you seem to still believe in empty promises. You're using you're ears to see and you're eyes to hear. You're the most cruel and cold hearted creature. Not human.....because with human emotion, I couldnt do what you do, I cant lead them on, shut them out, I cant make someone feel like their the one for me, but then shut them down and out when the one I want is around. I will never understand you're selfish decisions and with how you know youve done wrong but you still don't bother to change.

Maybe I've become an unforgivable asshole, but that's the unfortunate outcome when someone so heartless just takes you for granted then you're the bad guy for not only reacting actually a little more civil than you should've, but because god knows whatever words come from my posts or even texts, god forbid they remind you consistently of what you've done. Everything I am and everything I do now is because of you..

Days I'm angry, I blame you

Days I'm depressed, It's your fault

Days I cut, blamed you because just the little bit of open honesty wouldve prevented me cutting myself, but only to relieve that pain that I cant get out through crying.

Its the pain that makes your chest ache and have the urge to just scream in agony. Its that lodged in lump that swells in your chest when everything that was promised, shared, and enjoyed together now sets this darkened, and dead look to it. I find myself shying away from every and any little thing that you had any relations to. My music has changed. My faith in life itself is nonexistent. Ive become so angry and bitter, that I am constantly snappy.

It doesnt matter how angry I were to get with anyone else, because every one probably tells you I'm fine.....

I'm not fine

Im not ok

I'm suffocating myself

Its hard to not still be bitter....

How can I not still be angry when you left once again.....ive been irrational and disrespectful, but I never thought that this unfortunate outcome would involve me getting worse....I figured at some point within these four years .....I figured you wouldve not done this so much that I'm probably permanently fucked up....I mean fucking look at me...have you ever seen anyone so pathetic and humiliating?....

Loving someone is so beautiful but sad, because when you fall for someone, there's some part of you that breaks too, its gone for ever because its with that person you wanted to give your whole heart to, but they'll only always have what's actually left of you. For some reason being in that persons presence or just respected enough to be even thought about by them, makes life worth living even if I were to spend it alone. Its not because you lack feelings or really the past that I held over your head....I just wanted for someone to finally treat me differently.....

You wound up treating me the same

This is my unfortunate outcome

Its been a battle especially the last two years

I've never in my life have I ever felt so much pain

Ive never loved anyone as much as I love you

The unfortunate outcome for you is me being gone when you want to come back

I already know how it's to be

Its why I never understood you

But I still kept trying to

Maybe that was my mistake

Because my unfortunate outcome is the distance between us and how little I've meant within the last couple years....idk myself what you could ever do to make things better.....

Unfortunate outcome is what's done is done....

Its ruined

We're ruined

Were gone....

The end....

Hope you're doing well.....

Sorry for being impulsive and annoying

I'm sorry for being a fucked up mess.

Wishing you a lifetime of happiness....

Wishing you luck on your endeavors

Ill miss you

I have been already

Life just won't ever be the same. I just know if it was went about differently I would be able to handle the sudden blocked phone and Tumblr better than what I am now. I'm wasting mt time is the sad thing because I'm sire you're thought is why if I'm to be the way I was before, well, it would be nice to have at least that wanting to talk to me or even asking things sbout my life. I literally have been wanting to fit in, and I'm sorry I tried to get in your way. I'm sorry for being this way period.....in sorry I can't bring myself to be better.....I literally feel like I have no other place to go or anything to do.....I should be doing soemthing with my life, bur in not.....only bevause I spend every day trying to avert seeing or even tbe chance to see you kr anything related to you That will rip my chest right then and there.

It's those things I want to feel better about.....I want to be able to see you without getting so severely depressed. That's the last unfortunate outcome, because of that, how I feel.....I think it's best if we just never saw each other ever again......Obviosuly you're already on that route but if that's really what you want, then you really will not ses me ever again. I mean you can scream yell my name. I will not look at any part of you.....I'm prudent because maybe youre right, just sticking with avoiding them, and I guess you do lose some feeling. I hate being like this. Idk what else to do. I dont need your help. I need your understanding. I dont need to be questioned, at least at what I'm doing, because idk anymore.....I get flustered easily because my mind stays so caught up on you that I fuck up everything I touch or work on.....then it goes back to the angry blaming you thing.....never ending......so how can I get better? What do I do? You just left. You didn't leave a note, you didnt say goodbye, and of all things I've ever done for you, you never helped my unfortunate outcomes...you rejected me time and time again.

I just idk how to be ok.....

I just feel like I'm losing touch with my existence

As in because you live in my mind so much I try to avoid that too....I've become a blank spaced emotionless robot....I'm depressed but I look solemn. I then break soon as I snap.....I'm getting worse.....idk its so hard to put into words. I just feel myself losing control over everything including my decisions.....

Whether you believe me or not.....I don't care to convince you anymore. Honestly I'm not even doing that now. I just needed to get what I could out....atleast While its flowing....well it was....I think I explained the best I could and linked the way I think...

Respond or don't respond

Respectfully, I'm refraining from tagging your blog name in the post. If you see it and or read it then its actually ok if you don't ever speak to me again.....I mean you're the one in charge and I know if you don't soeak first, then there's just nothing left to do but just hope you enjoy life.

Take care of yourself Kourt.....thanks for everything.....

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fuckthisblog · 7 years ago

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i got 101 on my AP final yesterday

Bri is kinda gone out of my life, that was a cool couple month friendship

getting used to the comings and goings of life, childhood ptsd stuff being processed def helps

connor leaving suddenly def just made me become ok w it so

but nothing feels like

real

like it doesn’t feel mine exactly? idk. i took myself to the ER for a panic attack the day before my final, earlier that day i randomly decided to do postmates for the first time and was sprinting around the city for an hour or two, then I studied my ass off and got 101 on my goddamn AP final

but it all feels far away

like good but just numbed idk

also just had another tinder dude over

my previous method of staying unattached by just continuously dating different dudes keeps my brain confused enough that i dont get that obnoxious weird clingy that pushed connor away and made michael say those things about me and idk i feel so weird and ashamed of myself i think im shutting down a little

but i kind of want it to happen because i want to be less. im too much for people and i dont like it.

on a side note so i dont forget- earlier i had a nicer thought. i do need to go easy on myself when it comes to talking to my friends and “wanting” attention. everyone desires attention, or rather interaction w people they care about. i unfortunately keep making friends who have significant others and they just vanish often because they don’t “need” me in the same way i “need” them.

i hate the word need but its true people need people like i dont text ppl 24/7 all day or blow up at people for takign time for themselves, im actually probably the flakiest of everyone i know. but for some reason i beat myself up for reaching out to people, and I realized I think it’s cause my view is skewed on how often they reach out because they have these long term boyfriends who they just dissapear with or are like, taking on life with. and im taking on life on my own, and want to keep it that way. but my friends mean a lot to me and when you dont have that ONE signifcant other then ur friends are all signifcant to you. idk if this makes sense. basically i want to go easier on myself about that. allow myself to need my friends. but on the opposite end of the spectrum, avoid the need that causes problems with men that im still trying to figure out. so yeah. just gonna keep moving and not stop moving in terms of people/social/dating cause i usually meet a person and i love like sinking my damn teeth into who they are as a person (in a devouring way not in a hurting them way lmfao but then again who knows how bad i come off cause this whole connor/michael shit has me ashamed as hell) but instead of meeting someone and caring instantly i just gotta keep moving and then if people show up a whole bunch maybe ill pause but i cant think about that now just gotta keep fucking moving or ill die. i met cody and i like him and im just liek NOPE FUCKING NOPE cause i just hear the words of connor and michael and just dont want to push away another person so if i keep moving maybe i can dole out smaller quanitities of me to mroe people and i wont be too much idk idek what im saying

also mental note and instantly my eyes kinda want to tear as i write this but like goddamit if i dont need to really address my pathological lying/random life performances and somehow channel it into acting or some other shit idek i dont even do bad stuff im jusgt so fucking weird and i believe the things and then i remember i just decided it was real

self loathe self loathe but also trying to be better so i guess self love

either way i got 101 on my ap final so.. thats something lmfao

now i go study for the lab part of the final and maybe postmates all day to make money cause IDK I HAVE TO KEEP MOVING.

i kinda wish i was manic cause then the moving would be easy

but instead its like an angry/frustrated me is dragging this other needing bullshitty me by the hair behind her as she sprints forward like im both im uncomfortable and wounded and being dragged and repeatredly smacking my head on the pavement being pulled but im also the one sprinting forward angrily determined and heading towards, soemthing? nursing degree atleast.

love when im like “im gonna make like a 2 sentence long post” and then this happens cause it does help me process so reminder to write more.

end rant

#personal

0 notes

angrybelieverconnoisseur-blog · 7 years ago

Text

Blood test and insurance?

"Blood test and insurance?

IS THE BLOOD TEST FOR AFP COVERED BY MY INSURANCE?

BEST ANSWER: Try this site where you can compare quotes: : http://howmuchisinsurance.xyz/index.html?src=tumblr

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IS THE BLOOD TEST FOR AFP COVERED BY MY INSURANCE?

3 car crash.. I am the insurance companies hunt !!?

Hello .. I would like to listen to your opinios regarding this situation that has turned into a nightmare for me !!! I spent few months in Australia.. I have a full driving license.. I was driving on the M4.. I had 2 cars in front of me .. I was in the last car in the row ( third car ) .. the car in the front ( First car ) has braked suddenly .. The car in the middle ( second car ) hit it causing it much damage .. I could not stop at the right time and i hit the middle car afterwards .. Now .. The man in the middle car has lied to his insurance company and said that he stopped at the right time but when i hit him i made his car jump to the front and hit the front car .. I have now 2 insurance companies chasing me for money and treat me as a hunt because i had no third party property damage at the time of the accident .. My understanding was that the greenslip covers these things but actually they dont .. I have received bills from both companies.. 7000 AUD for the front car and 2000 for the middle car .. The details of repairs in the middle car ( that i hit on a very low speed) shows that damage at the rear of the car cost only 427 AUD and i offered them to pay it .. They refused and threatened me to go to court.. The police did not come at the place of the accident .. What do you think i should do?! How strong will be my situation at the court ?!

What value does insurance companies go by to determine if car is totaled or not?

I have 2001 honda civic ex with 140,600 miles on it. I recently wrecked it and the body work, paint, and labor is coming up to $3900. There is some work under the hood that needs to be done, but I was told to get a seperate estimate for that and contact the insurance company. How much does the repairs have to amount to before the car is considered totaled???""

Do I need auto insurance on a car that is not running with no plates?

I live in Parma, Cuyahoga County, Ohio. I am planning on buying a project car that is currently not running. I am going to keep it in a garage out on the farm and slowly build it back up. What kind of insurance do I need on it? My old car used to have storage insurance on it for winters, about $20 a month. I don't want to pay $70 per month for a nonrunning car!""

How can you find out how much your car was when it was new?

My insurance company needs to know how much my car cost when it was brand new so they can give me coverage quotes. I did not buy it new, and it is a 1999. Anyone know the best way to find this out? It is a Chevy Silverado 4500 extended cab. Thanks!""

Can i stay on my parents health insurance after i am 18 and not a full time student?

I am 17 years old, I will be 18 in september. I just graduated high school and decided not to pursue a higher education at this time. I have heard with the obama health care plan that i can stay on my parents health insurance until i am 26. But i have also heard this doesn't take place until 2014. And i Have heard that you have to be a full time student. So i would like a simple answer that's easy to understand, preferably with a sited source for me to look up. Will i lose my health insurance in 2010 if i am not a full time college student and over the age of 18??? I live in california if that makes any difference as far as the health care plans go. Thanks and appreciate it :)""

How much is car insurance per month for a 16 year old?

I really want to get a Pontiac G6 on my 16th Birthday, I`m just curious as to how much the car insurance would be on it !""

Mexican car insurance?

If I drive into Mexico, do I need to get insurance for my car from a Mexican insurance company or is the American insurance valid there as well?""

Where the best place to get a good deal on cheap insurance?

I have a 98' cadillac sedan deville that I just paid off but i still want full coverge for it, if something would of happen to it.""

Names of good CHEAP! Auto insurance companies in New York State ?

I'm trying to look for cheap insurance companies for my bf who is way over the age of 25 and had two accidents. Due to the accidents from the past, their charging him an exorbitant amount. Could you please name a few.""

My car is worth 3200 Actual Market Value how much should insurance pay before total loss?

Car value 3200 State Ohio Third party claim (not my insurance other driver was at fault)

Can i insure 2 cars by 2 different insurance companies?

i already have car insurance with my first car but i have just bought another. to insure it on my current insurance is expensive. iv looked at other insurance companies and its cheaper to insure with them. Am i allowed to have a different insurance company for each car?

Which car insurance agency is best for me?

Which car insurance agency is best for me? Please guide me.

Whats the name of the song on the geico motorcycle insurance commercial with the cavemen?

whats the name of the song on the geico motorcycle insurance commercial with the cavemen?

My car insurance was canceled due to roommate has a DUI?

I live in Michigan and I have been advised by Hartford that my car insurance will be canceled in Feb. due to the fact that another person in this household has a DUI. They feel that this person could drive my car with or without my permission. They advised one of us needs to move in order to have the policy reinstated. Is this justified? What can I do?

2 Door Cars vs 4 Door Cars cost of Insurance?

I am interested in going from my 4 Door Acura TSX to a 350z or G35 Coupe, 2 door cars. I was wondering what the difference in prices would be for me, I am 19, no accidents, no tickets, clean record. As of now my parents have me on their insurance which I am sure makes it much cheaper, so what would the average cost of switching be if I was on my parents insurance or I was to take up my own. Please let me know, Thanks! :)""

How much does it cost to own a car right now?

looking at a 1.5cc car costing abt 13k....how much will i have to pay a mnth for the car including insurance, parking etc?""

Is there a car insurance that will give a young driver a reasonably quote?

i recently purchased a mk1 ford fiesta. theres no mods to the car and tax wise i think its a classic. its a 1984. i have wanted a mk1 fiesta for years now and its the car i want to drive. im 17 and the cheapest quote on any car ive been given is 2000. are there any companies that will give me a good quote on my fiesta

'95 Acura Integra insurance price?

I live in Texas and I amndering, what would the insurance cost a month for a Black Acura Integra. I am 17. Not exact price just a close estimate.""

How do I find health insurance if I have been told we are uninsurable?

I am asking this question for my m-in-law. Retired early, had extensive back surgery, f-in-law has diabetes and possible heart issues. Going to be coming off of COBRA in California, and are looking for health insurance. Aren't there health insurances like Medicaid/Care that cover hard to insure people that are in > 50yr age group?? What if they change their residency from Calif. to Texas?? Does it matter??""

Can I drop motorcycle insurance for the winter then pick it up in the spring?

I'm 17 and am looking for a motorcycle. My mom called our insurance company (Nationwide) and had a quote prepared and they said it would be an extra $70 a month. Seeing as how it gets cold here in Ohio i don't really want to ride a bike in the wintertime. Would it be possible to drop the motorcycle part of the insurance during the wintertime and then pick it up in the springtime when I start riding again? I'll also be turning 18 in February so I think the rates would go down.

Car insurance / liability coverage?

My brother, who is insured with a different company, had an accident with my car. There were 3 cars involved in the accident. He hit the first car in the back which hit the second car and so forth. I don't know whether it was his fault or not, and we did not informed my brother's insurance because it was my car that was crash. The problem now is that, I have only had basic coverage, and my insurance is telling me that my liability coverage ($5000) can cover only one car, meaning that I have to take care of the 2 others cars. So I am wandering what should I do? Please advice""

Are there any car insurance companies that you don't have to give your SS# and DOB to get a quote?

If I get a good quote then I will give all of my information to that company.

Cheap car insurance for a 17 year old?

I am 17 and living in london. DO you guys know of any cheap insurance companies ( they do not have to be well known companies). I am willing to pay 3000 for insurance.

Why is my car insurance so expensive?

I'm 17 years old, with no convictions or points on my licence. I passed my test about a week ago, and I cannot get insurance for my VW polo 1.2, 02 plate lower than 10'000!!? What do I do?""

How much could my car insurance increase if I pay a 90.00 fine that included 1 point on my record?

I have a clean driving record so would it be worth paying the ticket and watching my insurance go up a few bucks? I can't imagine my insurance going up too much for a single point, but maybe I am totally wrong. Any advice on this matter would be much appreciated.""

Blood test and insurance?

IS THE BLOOD TEST FOR AFP COVERED BY MY INSURANCE?

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/health-insurance-individual-fred-huntley"

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