#and I really wouldn't care save for the fact I can't escape this fucking book

[thebibliosphere]

since u hv EDS, i was wondering how do you feel about the portrayal of it in fourth wing? i dont hv EDS myself but ive seen people say that the fact that violet literally falls from her dragon mid air and then is cuaght would dislocate the hell out of her hips and that doesnt happen. which is weird considering that yarros has EDS herself. like youd think she'd know better right? idk what do u think as a writer also with EDS?

I think Yarros is entitled to write whatever escapist fantasy she likes about how she experiences her own disability, but unfortunately, the book gives me the ick on multiple levels.

It's very... disability rep circa the early 2000s...

The disability only affects her when it can be used for angst or to make a point of how small and fragile she is next to the big, strong male love interest (ick). And the rest of the time, she's an unstoppable badass who can fall out of the sky and ride a dragon and be just fine! Except for when there's a plot reason or a man around. Then she's made of spun glass and needs to be handled with care.

At least make it make sense, y'know?

It also needed a better editor, tbh. My writer/editor brain kept flagging issues with the pacing and the tone.

Honestly, based on stylistic tone, it feels like it was meant to be a YA (not a bad thing), but because the publisher is a romance house, they jammed sex into it to make it appeal to an adult audience. It's jarring.

Anyway. Yeah. Not a fan. Sorry to anyone who likes it 😅

It's just very not much my cup of tea as a fellow disabled author with EDS who can't turn the EDS off when it's convenient.

[mayuichi]

“Oh, you're still here ?„

Arlecchino x Reader. No warnings!

note: aaaaaAAAAAAA that one isn't as good as the others but my brain ran out

Official art from Hoyoverse!

A child comes to you, handing you a card orned with drawings of trees and snowmen. “Look! That's my wishes to Santa!„ a smile creeps on your face and a chuckle escapes you. You carefully grab the card to read what the child had written.

“Dear Santa! I hope on Christmas we can all play together and that Father will be home with us!„ your heart warms up at the sweet words. You know every children in the orphanage hold Arlecchino dearly in their heart. After all, she saved their lives.

You hand back his card and gently pat his head. “That is a lovely wish you have made. I'm sure Father will be home to spend some time with you.„

You could feel an hesitant tug at your sleeve. A little girl looks up at you with big puppy eyes. “I... I don't know what to write on my card...„ she shyly admits. You chuckle quietly and take her hand to guide her to the nearest table.

Helping that poor child, you yourself hope your wife will manage to get home to spend time with you, but you'd understand if she can't. After all, being an Harbinger isn't an easy task now, is it?

You already met Pierro once, and Archons, you felt so tiny and vulnerable, as if he could crush you at any moment. You almost met all the other Harbingers in fact, beside Dottore. Arlecchino always forbids you to, she doesn't want this sick twisted doctor to try anything funny with you.

Once every children finished their cards, you gesture them to come over and give it to them. “I'll go deliver them to Santa~!„ is the plan, but you know that it isn't the case. You'll keep it to yourself and try to make their wishes come true, as best as you can.

You aren't actually working in the House of the Hearth, but since you are Arlecchino's partner... You are allowed to come and go as you please as long as you don't do any harm to the children.

As the last kid hands you his card, he takes your hand in his, pleading eyes. “Could you make Father do a card too ? It'd be nice!„ the others' eyes shine with stars at the thought. “I will.„ you promise, not even knowing if she'll come home, and that even if she does... How the fuck are you going to do it?

Anyway, it's only three days after that while you're chilling in your quarters, or more likely - Arlecchino's quarters -, reading a book, you hear the door shut close and her figure walking closer.

“Oh, you're still here ?„ she glances at you, tossing aside her jacket. “I thought you would've been to your house.„ stepping closer, she leans against the desk, taking the book from your hands.

“Still reading Princess Mina of the Fallen Nation? Wasn't it what you started when I left?„ she questions. Well, that is true that you're taking a while to read it, but... “I have been busy around the orphanage...„

Raising an eyebrow with a smirk, she places back down the book, “Oh, really ? How so?„ her voice drips with malice. It gives you butterflies. Your cheeks take a soft pink tint. “I helped with the children, of course... I tried to keep them entertained.„

She loves the idea of you taking care of a kid, that's a fact. Her hand reaches to the side of your neck, and you slightly jump at her sudden touch. “... Such a scaredy kitty. What have you done with the children? I hope they haven't caused any trouble.„

You quickly dismiss her words - or somehow worries - “No, no of course not! They are adorable!„ she chuckles, cupping your cheek, caressing it with her thumb while being careful to not hurt you with her nails. “Since it's soon Christmas, I.. I made them do some Christmas cards.„

Her eyes close, seemingly in thought, and she sits on the table. “Christmas cards, huh... What a stupid thing. How can it be useful?„ she opens her eyes once again, letting them bore into yours. “It isn't specifically useful but... It made them happy to do it, so I wouldn't call it stupid.„

“No, it's true. It isn't stupid. It is just very childish, and it doesn't surprise me from you.„ she teases, creeping closer to press a kiss over your nose. “I bet they love you.„ you nod. You couldn't deny what's true.

“They do, but they love you too. And they miss their Father.„ her eyes widen slightly in surprise, a deep chuckle leaving her lips. “Is that so... I am glad they recognize to who they owe something.„

You roll your eyes at her words. Suddenly, you feel yourself lifted, and pinned down to the bed. “However, I missed you the most. Would you be so nice to let me engulf into you again?„ she asks, but you know it isn't a question. It's an order.

“Wait...! The children want you to do a card too..!„ she shakes her head, “Not now. Right now I need to be with you. So anything else isn't important.„

She doesn't leave any room for argument. Her lips collapse against your in a fervent and hurried kiss. She claims your lips for the first time of the night, but clearly not the last. You are definitely in for a very long night.

/ᐠ - ˕ •マ Ⳋ mayuichi's property. do not repost, copy or translate without permission.

[justkingwolf]

There is something up with Good Omens and memory

Spoilers for GO2 under the cut

Obviously, the big one in season 2 is Gabriel. First the Metatron says they are taking away his memories and demoting him, and then he stores his own memories in the fly Beelzebub gifted him to escape that. We all know about that one.

But there's a running theme of memory in GO2 that feels like it MUST be some kind of hint or clue or foreshadowing.

Multiple characters mention remembering Crowley from Before The Fall, or during it, but he doesn't remember them at ALL? One minor character he doesn't remember wouldn't really stand out, but it happens more than once and the other characters seem surprised he doesn't remember. And I'm surprised too, because he usually has IMPECCABLE memory. Both him and Aziraphale do. They both remember Wee Morag and Mr Dalrymple, he remembers the EXACT words Gabriel said to Job, he and Aziraphale are constantly chatting about random little bits of history they remember - so why doesn't he remember these other angels/demons he knew?

Now you COULD say it's because his memory of Before is fuzzy, but it's clearly not because he remembers all the stars he helped make, he remembers Heaven's password for looking at classified files, he remembers other things he worked on as an angel, but he doesn't remember other beings he knew?

He also remembers that they made gravity for a reason, but when Jim asks him why he pauses and then... can't remember why.

I've read the Book of Life theory and it could work, but also I'm not entirely convinced, especially because we know nothing about how it works in universe, but we DO know that Heaven is capable of altering memories.

The more I rewatch the season the more little things kind of scratch at the back of my mind like "Huh, that's weird. It is weird, right? Right, it's weird." and they pay SUCH close attention to detail with Good Omens that it cannot be coincidence. Neil loves throwing us breacdrumbs and watching us lose our minds over them.

It's entirely possible that it's a red herring and truly Crowley just forgot, but it seems OFF.

There is SOMETHING off about Memory in Good Omens 2 and I am convinced that someone, somehow, has been fucking around with memories. To what end? No idea. But probably to the end goal of splitting up Crowley and Aziraphale. Those two have proven that when they team up they both can and will go to extreme lengths to protect what they care about (Earth, humans, their little hobbies and trinkets, each other) and that miracle they performed together? They were actively attempting to only perform the TINIEST little half-a-miracle and somehow managed to perform one that was more powerful than even most Archangels can manage, imagine the kind of thing they could do if they were both really trying to do a BIG miracle together?

Not the kind of thing you want to happen if you want things to go back to setting off a Final War, having the 2 beings responsible for helping stop the last one prancing about together blissfully performing inconceivably powerful miracles.

There were plenty more instances of memory being unclear in this season, enough that it forms a Theme and gets you going "Huh...", and I swear that some memories were tampered with. Even the memories we hear and see about seemed... just slightly off. Like little things could have perhaps been edited after the fact.

The main one for me being when Crowley tempts Aziraphale into trying the oxen. Why'd he do that? It's framed in a kind of... almost sinister way? Like he's REALLY trying to convince Aziraphale that he's going to Fall for this, and then when Aziraphale is upset about it later on thinking he's a demon now, he laughs at him, and it feels way more mean spirited than we're used to Crowley being. And it kind of goes against everything else he does in that minisode. Saving Job's goats and children. He's actively thwarting things so he doesn't have to murder innocents, while trying to convince Aziraphale he's going to Fall? It's ODD.

Similarly, when he saves Elspeth from ending her own life after the death of Wee Morag, we see he's dragged to hell presumably for punishment but like... he didn't do anything particularly good? Sure he saved Elspeth, but it's not like she was a powerful person who's soul hell would really want, she was just a poor person trying to survive, why would hell care that much? They'd be more likely to send someone to go tell him off instead of immediately drag him to hell for unspoken terrible things to happen to him because of it, and he's done MUCH bigger Good Things before and since that they haven't cared about, so... what if that memory was also altered? Not much, just a little, just enough to make it all murky.

All the flashback scenes had something to do with their relationship changing a bit during each of those moments in time. Job - Finding loop holes in their orders to do what they're told but only technically. Ressurectionists - Good and Bad is not Black and White, especially not when applied to humans, and sometimes things that LOOK Bad are actually done for Good reasons, and vice versa, and learning to recognise them. Nazi zombies - Working together is dangerous BUT ultimately they can always trust that they will look out for each other no matter what. Aziraphale trusted Crowley entirely with the gun during the "magic" trick, and Crowley trusted Aziraphale entirely when he very clearly did NOT freak out about being caught. He knows what Scared Aziraphale looks and sounds like, and he didn't know what he did while they talked with Furfur but he didn't talk or act like Scared Aziraphale so he trusted him.

Altering those memories would also alter very subtle things they each remember from those times, and if their memories were messed about with it makes sense that they'd be more susceptible to Suggestion, and they sure were at the end there - ESPECIALLY Aziraphale. Poor angel was put through a crash course in every single bit of trauma he has from how he was treated by heaven in like 30 minutes by the Metatron.

It's all WEIRD and ODD and this show is SO GOOD at subtle storytelling.

[zorilleerrant]

you know people say Captain America would be against racism but I really don't think he'd understand it very well and I don't think there's much of anyone in the MCU who could help him

Steve: Do you know about racism?

Tony, white billionaire who's never had to care how his personality plays to other people: oh, don't worry about it, that just means you have to be careful about singing the n word in rap songs when you're not in private

Pepper, white top tier educated gender conforming business type: Yeah, gender is really a much more important issue than race these days. Sexuality, too. Racism mostly happens in other countries, which you do have to watch out for.

...

Steve: So then they couldn't tell me much about it.

Sam, who agreed to let the military experiment on him and thought it was great and only recently learned sometimes the government does bad things: You know, that's because it's so much better than it was. Aside from a couple of people who like to put up confederate flags, almost no one's really racist anymore. Mostly they thank you for your service. And then you can correct mistakes really easily.

...

Steve: Was he right?

Nick Fury, who gave up on his personal comfort so long ago so he could optimize for saving lives: I wouldn't worry about it, Steve. It's easier if you don't. In fact, if anyone tries to talk to you about something other than fighting aliens, you should just walk out on them. If you cultivate the strong, silent persona, no one even tries to call you out on it. And if they do you can hit them with your shield.

...

Steve: Do you guys have any advice on this topic, or should I just give up? I've read a few books.

Clint, who doesn't even realize half the shit that's been happening to himself, and has never had a nonwhite friend, only coworkers: Uh, I can give you a list of words you're not supposed to say, I think. But there aren't any racist laws anymore or anything. Sometimes people publish racist books, I think? That might have been before, too, though, I don't read a lot.

Yelena, who was raised by a cult: Where I come from we have no racism. Only good spy, bad spy. Good spy gets reward and bigger assignment. Bad spy gets fed to wildlife. America is much better place to live than this.

Natasha, who also escaped from that cult: Yeah, I can't say any of that was race based. And no one here has ever tried to feed me to forest creatures, so I prefer that. I'll ask around if anyone has tried to feed anyone to forest creatures over their race, okay?

...

Steve: So then they said they'd ask around but they're pretty sure racism isn't a big deal anymore.

Bucky, who doesn't remember shit about fuck and is also from the past: Oh, you mean like segregation? I watched a documentary on that. They got rid of it already. You don't have to fight it.

Steve: Who got rid of it?

Bucky: Obama, I think? People keep thanking him for stuff and I figure that's probably what they're thanking him for. He ended racism, you know. I also watched a documentary on that.

...

Steve: ...so I wanted to know what you're reading in school on the topic, so I can sort out the holes in my education.

Peter, a white teenager at a very prestigious mostly white school, whose systemic problems are all entirely divorced from racism: I don't think we have that anymore. Aunt May told me Obama fixed it. Now we have aliens trying to take over the country instead.

MJ: Obama fixed what?

Peter: Racism. That's why we don't have it anymore.

MJ, suddenly on fire: OK! Both of you sit your asses down right the fuck now. Let me get my slides.

[quirkyhero]

My OchaCow headcanons

___________________________________________________________________

BACKSTORY AND BACKGROUND:

Cow Ochaku: is a wild thang who is a strong heifer as well as adventurous. She was born and raised in an abusive habitat only ment to breed strong bulls for fighting rings. She's been through some shit, and learned to not take some shit because of it.

Cow Ochaku: this gal was raised and taught that she would breed with bulls when she was old enough to mate, she would be forced to submit to bulls for as long as she could and as long as they would need. She remembered being forced to "watch and learn" of what would be happening when she be came old enough to do the same thing. And them, doing things to her in order for her to get the "hands on process".

Cow Ochaku: by the age of 15 she had thankfully managed to escape thanks to her parents and the instructions they left her. Though sadly she was too weak and had no time to save any others. On her own she ran as far as she could, hiding in the city in always with a black hoodie and sweat pants she stolen from a box.

Cow Ochaku: thankfully enough she was found by a kind human who was kind enough to offer her home and shelter. Seeing as she was starving and cold and fucking exhausted, she took the humans offer, still suspicious of this person not sure weather to trust them or not.

Cow Ochaku: this was of course six years ago, and she had come to love her home with trees and forest surrounding the place. There was two male hybrids that lived beside her, their names are Monama, who's a bull and Kouda who'san ox. Monama, while a bit rude at first and Kouda who was pretty shy and skittish around her. Came to be protective of her over the years, now their all pretty close and good friends.

Cow Ochaku: after a long time of healing and bonding, she came to open up with her human farmers and two male friends. She even worked out and lifted logs and other such heavy things, which in turn gained her muscle. She also became quite the fan of martial arts due to the movies they'd watch together, learning new techniques along with the old farmer and their grandkid that was the same age as she.

Cow Ochaku: she had also come in contact with the internet. . .you can see where this is going. As she grew into a strong young lady, she came to also be comfortable with sex. . . That is to say with bottom boys. She absolutely loved her Monama and Kouda who she helped out with their ruts and explored new things (kinks) and the such together.

Cow Ochaku: threw a family doctor, who is a friend of the farmer had come to the conclusion that she may be infertile, and there was only a low chance of her having her own calf. This to her and the others was heartbreaking news, but nonetheless she still clung to hope that she would have her own calf one day. She was just relieved that the others didn't think less of her like the heifers back at the bad place would have done.

HOW SHE IS WHEN SHE GETS TO THE NEW FARM + WITH THE BULLS , HEIFERS , STAFF AND EVEN CALFS!?:

Cow Ochaku: was excited yet nervous to go on a trip to the new farm she, the bull and ox will be staying at for a year for her farmer friend that's going to be there for a study work trip.

Cow Ochaku: on one hand, she could finally make that bull harem she wanted. But on the other hand there would be thousands of new faces and in an environment thats a little similar to the bad place. In a sense that's there's quite alot of her kind there. But with the reasurement of the old farmer, the two boys and her calmed a bit.

Cow Ochaku: once on the farm and out of the moving vehicle. Ocha(Ochako), Mono(Monama) and Ko(Kouda) all went to explore once everything was signed in and registered. Only for Mono and Ocha to get whistled at and cat called by the bulls. Mono wasn't exactly the standard looking bull with him being smaller and more feminine looking with smaller horns, he was mistaken for a heifer quite alot. So them both being cat called was not a surprise.

Cow Ochaku: Kouda on the other hand, was being ogled at by the heifers that was curious about the newcomers. Kouda is pretty big, after all he is an ox, he's actually almost the same height as Kirishima, and poor baby was sticking very close behind his heifer and bull friend, not really liking the attention.

Cow Ochaku: meanwhile Ocha paid no mind to the ogling and cat calls, she was looking at the bulls that came to look at her and her friend. Debating and thinking of who she would start her "Bull Harem" plan on first.

Cow Ochaku: along they're walk they bump into a charming cowboy named Midoriya Izuku and a handsome bull named Kirishima, both kind and cute and sexy in they're own rights. . . Ocha came to terms with the idea of adding the cowboy to her bull harem plan, and let her mind run a little thinking of ways to ruin him for only a moment as to not be rude.

Cow Ochaku: after that meeting she came to see at one point, cute Little CALFS!!! OH MY GOODNESS! Ocha decided that this farm was fucking amazing. After all, it came with plenty of bulls and cute farmers for her Bull Harem plan. The staff were pretty great and there are even cute little Calfs here to watch and play with if she's aloud.

SOME EXTRA DETAILS ON COW OCHAKO:

Cow Ochaku: is a lover and fighter, this as I said came for her difficult past and trauma as well as her new beginning on her home land where she met her boys and humans. So she can be pretty intense, as well as straight forward.

Sometimes she scares the bulls with her strength and stamina, alot of them can't keep up with her during her exploration in the hay. The ones who can keep up with her are kiri and Bakugou, but even they sometimes fall victim to her brutal pace which earns her some heavy respect in their books.

Cow Ochaku: she absolutely adores sparring. At first the bulls wouldn't train with her because, "she's a heifer, she'll just get hurt" which seriously pissed her off. That is until a Bull who was messing with one of the heifers took things too far for her liking got take down by her just grabbing his horn with one hand and slamming the big bull down with just sweeping his leg out from under him and Basically making him face plant down onto the ground.

She Basically forced oversized "calf" to apologize to the heifer, and better not do that shit again. Bakugou who Basically went from not impressed and only intrigued to Having mad respect for her and now wants this woman in his harem, though he ain't the only one.

Cow Ochaku: poor baby still at times has nightmares about the bad place and will sneak into the living quarters of either of her boys or into her human friends room, or just brings all three of them to her own living quarters to cuddle and sleep together. If anything this is something her and Bakugou bond over, since he was a rescue bull from a pretty harsh place and she ran away from a bad place.

One night he just caught her awake early in the morning breathing in the cold air, with a melancholy look upon her usually smiling face. While it's a sad thing to bond about they do bond over it, and it brings them closer.

Cow Ochaku: she's love mochi treats, the kind that the old farmer made specially for hybrids. If you found a way to make them she will be your godamn best friend! Speaking of friends while she can make easy friends with any gendered human, she's not really good with other heifers for some reason. She just. . .feels nervous and a bit off around them

It could be because she has no idea on how to add the heifers in her bull harem plan, as well as the fact that she's not really. . . On the same wavelength of thinking as them at times??? Basically she wants to dominate the bulls while they want to be fucked submissive by them.

She wants to trust Said bull before EVER fucking them, while all it takes is the bull to show off how strong he is to get them wet and ready. She doesn't care for being treated frail and being taken care of while she can take care of her self. She would adore being taken care of twenty for seven by their strong bull. . .she just doesn't get them. . .at all really nonetheless she tries. . . She really tries.

Cow Ochaku: loves giving advice to the bulls about sex techniques and telling them about human sex toys. If she's close to a bull, she teach them some human tricks that she learned while surfing, "the web." She'll also be a babysitter for the heifers and bulls that want alone time at a specific moment so they can get they're grove on if you know what I mean?

___________________________________________________________________

I did my own version of an Ochako Cow! I'm pretty proud of my drawings as well as how I made her! I based her on @miggiisdumb 's Bull/Cow AU cause I'm heavily obsessed with the godamn AU and her writing, please go check out her stuff as well as art cause it's fantastic.

I'm also gonna tag @headkandies in here cause they make pretty good headcanons as well as being a fellow lover of this AU!

But anyways that's all folks be safe and have a Heroic Day! Since it's not safe out there please take a mochi loving Ochacow on your way. 🥰

[explorerspack]

cerise 3, 5, 23, 43 :) and then i think it would be funny to make you answer 41

hhhhHHHHHHHHHH--

3. Did they have a good childhood? What are fond memories they have of it? What’s a bad memory?

overall, she had a good childhood. her village was very poor, but they made it work, and she was definitely loved. fond memories include climbing trees and sneaking off to do dangerous things with her friends, helping with farm chores outside, studying with her mother, reading every book she could get her hands on (which probably wasn't many). i think bad memories include some particularly rough years for the village crops and watching how stressed her mother was, but worst childhood memory was probably when esme got taken away, because after that cerise didn't consider herself a child any more. her best friend was off serving the kingdom, it was time for cerise to grow up too.

5. Do they have any siblings? What’s their names? What is their relationship with them? Has their relationship changed since they were kids to adults?

she certainly does! her brother's name is elliot and he's three years younger than her and before their mom died they probably bickered ALL the time and didn't get along, but then they were all each other had left, and there was probably still quite a bit of resentment and tension but she also took care of him and did everything she could to make sure he was okay. her first magic was cure wounds on him when he cut his hand helping her make dinner. and then...well. i so absolutely can't even try to describe what their relationship is like Now but she loves him so much and prioritizes his safety but also will let him be put in danger because it can't be Avoided and doesn't trust him but also he's the only one she trusts and he's the only one who knew the person she was before she was sent to rhest but also she hasn't told him yet that their home is gone. y'know?

23. Do they have a good memory? Short term or long term? Are they good with names? Or faces?

yeah she has a really really good memory. keen mind feat! that 16 int is cleverness and good memory rather than formal education. her memory is near-perfect for the past 30 days and pretty good even beyond that, and better with names and words and facts than she is with faces or sounds of voices, though she's good with both. even past the effects of keen mind, though, her memories of rhest are much sharper than her memories of home.

43. Are they religious? What do they think of religion? What do they think of religious people? What do they think of non religious people?

i...jesus fucking christ...she's arborean! she WAS! :[ she has no idea what's real anymore and she doesn't have the room to really think about it but everything she's learned is kicking around the back of her brain and trying to synthesize into something she can hold onto. she used to love the god queen, and then she hated the god queen, and now she thinks the god queen needs someone to save her. she absolutely hates salic, she distrusts arborean priests, but she also still wants to save and help her people. and she used to hate and fear luxanism but increasingly she sees the connections.

41. What’s their sexuality? What do they find attractive? Physically and mentally? What do they like/need in a relationship?

wow thanks for asking! she's bi and she likes people who are brave, who are smart, who care about people, and who can match her intensity. in my head, she had an ex-boyfriend that she was still friends with and a girl she'd kissed a few times back in her home village, but i didn't ask to roll for whether either of them survived because anyone that cerise was attracted to would either be in the army by now or was absolutely in the thick of the ill-fated uprising and wouldn't have tried to escape. and the way in which she so absolutely couldn't do anything like a normal relationship right now,

[justanotherlifeff]

Levi Ackerman × reader

Genre: Angst, Hurt/comfort, Fluff, matured themes, slowburn

Warning: There's mentions and descriptions of underage rape and suicidal themes and self harm.

Your POV

The 57th expedition is two days from now and to make things worse, Hanji came over. She declared that as it is our only titan shifter's first expedition, we will be drinking tonight to celebrate. Although her motive was to experiment if Eren can get drunk, heichou strictly denied her requests since Eren is underage. I personally didn't want to drink because those men from when I was 5 were always drunk. "Drunk people are bad and dangerous" was a thought that was stuck into my head. Hence, I was planning to avoid their little party at all costs. It was morning at the moment and we were supposed to have breakfast. I made tea for everyone since I woke up before everyone else. I had already memorised how everyone had their tea, 2 spoons of sugar and milk in Oluo, Gunther and Petra's, 1 spoon sugar without any milk in Eld's, 3 spoons in mine and sugarless for Levi heichou. Eren didn't like tea. I had it all memorised because I tend to wake up before everyone else and thus, I always get the breakfast duty. I made pancakes for everyone and when I was done, I poured my tea in a cup and started reading the book. Every day, Levi would wake up early and sit with his own book and tea too. We would discuss the contents of the books when I go to clean his room. We would also share some of our personal issues to eachother and while I don't know how much it helps him, but it helped me ease up quite a but. Just as I was thinking these, he entered the dining hall as usual and took his cup which I had already filled with tea just the way he liked it. Eventually everyone else came around thus making it impossible to read because of the commotion. Hanji started blabbing about her experiments. Yes, she arrived yesterday and stayed the night in a spare room.

After breakfast, it was time for training. Levi heichou was giving me intensive 3DMG training recently since I already passed his strength trainings. We sparred more later, to test how much I had improved my strength and he won most of them due to his immense stamina which was impossible to match but I gave him a hard time though. In case of 3DMG, he decided that I wasn't making enough use of my agility and that I should be able to match his speed and accuracy. I was still learning his spinning move as I couldn't get a hang of that anyway. Today, we were supposed to have our last practice session as most of us will have hangovers the next day. Not me though. I'll just lock myself in mine and Petra's room. I've noticed by time that Petra tried to impress Levi heichou a lot. It kinda pissed me off because who even looks for emotional attachment when they might die anytime? And it's not like heichou was interested in her anyway. That's another thing I liked about him. He was serious about his career. I had always respected determination and I felt like there couldn't be a better mentor than him. However, something about it was bothering me. Levi heichou was making me feel things that I never felt before. It started with the way he looks during our training sessions, no, all the time honestly. I started having these urges to touch those muscles beneath his shirt, that showed slightly when he was sweaty after training, his clean shaven and extremely smooth looking cheeks and that extremely soft and silky looking hair. God knows how it would feel to run my fingers in there... Yes, that's exactly the problem. I shouldn't be thinking these. Things escalated when he convinced me to stop cutting myself, something even my parents couldn't do. It happened a week back.

One week ago

I was cleaning the floor in Levi's room while he was getting his paperwork done. "So, the protagonist is in a situation where he couldn't blame the antagonist as the antagonist had reasons to justify what they did too. It kinda resembles our world doesn’t it? I mean, titans don't have minds so, they can't really control what they are doing..." I was talking to heichou about the book I recently finished. "Hmm. However, one has to do what one needs right? The protagonist killed the antagonist at the end. It didn't matter if the antagonist had justification for what he did. It depends on who wins at the end. If the antagonist did, then the he would've been portrayed as the protagonist." heichou answered, not looking up from his paperworks. "Yeah. It's the weak who always loses." I muttered. "Not always. One can start off as weak but get stronger. That's what smart people who want to live do." Levi answered to that, before stopping for a moment and asking, "You mentioned that you want to live to make things right didn't you? What is the 'right' for you?". " I don't know, happiness? That's my goal." I answered. "Well, that's what we all want. Anyway, what's your plan to achieve that?" he asked. "I don't know, it started with getting strong enough to take care of myself but I don't really have an aim anymore." I answered, acknowledging it for the first time. "If you want happiness so much, why do you cut yourself? As much as I can recall, you told me, you did that to remind yourself that you're alive. If you don't have a plan, why remain alive at all?" he asked me, looking up from his paper works at me, raising an eyebrow. "Well, that's true... I don't know what I'm doing to be honest... Being alive honestly is pointless." I muttered as an answer. It was the truth. I had no reason to live.

"Oi brat, take my advice on this, you're an extremely skilled soldier. You think I am itching to be alive? I have a goal to be happy too and the fastest way towards it is a bullet in my fucking head. But, there's also another way, that is using my strength to do something for humanity, getting this war over for good and opening up a tea shop. My plan in this case is to stay alive and keep fighting. I suggest you to have the same plan. When this war is over if you are still alive, these people you saved will make a way for you. And trust me, cutting yourself won't help you at all because that only limits your agility as, trust me, I've got into enough fights to know how much every single cut hurts. It may not affect your performance by a lot but a mimimum percentage of performance issues can get you killed in expeditions. So I suggest you to stop with that shit and get your priorities straight." heichou advised me with a straight face. "So, you suggest me to try my best to survive? If I can get through this war, then the people will help me make a way?" I asked before pausing for a moment and stating, "I honestly didn't join the survey corps to make some dead people proud of me. I just wanted to die I guess..."."Well then, you're at an advantage both ways. If you die, you get to your goal. If you live, you get to your goal in long term too." he answered.

"Heichou, why did you join the survey corps?" I asked him out of curiosity. "Well, Erwin blackmailed me into it at the begining but later, I decided that my life was meaningless too and decided to do exactly what I advised you to do." he answered. He was right. If I survive, after the war with titans are over and the survey corps are disbanded, I'm sure they will give us all a way to live. However, will I always be alone? What's the point of living like that? No, wait, Uncle Erwin will be there... He's as good as family, so I'll be fine. Atleast as long as he lives. Maybe I'll even consider marriage... There are so many possibilities... Heichou was right. I had to survive or die in combat. Its good both ways. "(Y/N), if you really want to remember that you're alive at times, instead of cutting yourself, remember your interactions with your comrades. I'm sure you made an impact on a lot of them and you wouldn't be able to do that if you weren't alive." Levi ended his statement with that as I was leaving his room after cleaning. "Yes heichou. Thank you for the advice" I answered before leaving. An affect on my comrades, did he mean the way I intimidated them? But doesn't that mean that I'm an emotionless piece of shit? Or was he talking about my conversations with him? Did... Did I make him feel alive? Because, even if I hated to admit it, he made me feel alive. I felt like I didn’t have to hurt myself anymore.

Present day

Levi heichou beat me this time as well after we sparred for 30 minutes. No one lasts that long against him. During the 3DMG session, everything was going well until suddenly captain Levi attacked me. He came out of nowhere and tried to cut me but I instinctively dodged and tried to escape him. I was shocked as I didn't expect something like that. He was as fast as I am in 3DMG and with his special techniques, he was faster. He slashed his blade against me again and to block it I used my own blade but the blade broke. I was scared that he might kill me and that's when he told me that he was testing how well I'd do in unexpected situations and he definitely wasn't satisfied with my skills.

Levi POV

She was pretty good at running away but she used one blade at the wrong angle when I slashed my blade at her. Ofcourse she didnt learn about what angle to use because Shadis didn't know some of the tricks I learnt underground. However I expected her to use two blades. That's just common sense and the fact that she panicked in a situation like this is unacceptable for someone as skilled as her. She has a lot if potential but stupid decisions like that will get her killed. "Do you have a brain of the size of a pea brat? Anyone with common sense would use two blades. Are you trying to get killed in any unexpected circumstance? " I shouted at her. She kept a straight face but I could see the embarrassment in her eyes. Serves her right. "Sorry heichou. It won't happen again" she said with determination. I'm not usually too hard on her because she doesn't disappoint me often so I let it go. I taught her the angles she should use. It would make her blades last longer. She practiced with complete determination but failed to get the spinning move done. Honestly, no one I trained was able to do that, so, I didn’t judge her. However, she wasn't the one to give up. I respected that about her as a mentor. It was time for lunch and Petra already cooked stew. We had lunch and I saw her head upstairs and come down with her 3DMG and blades. "Oi where are you going?" I asked her. "To practice the blade angle and the movements you taught me. I want to be able to get the spinning move perfected." she answered, saluted and left. I didn't expect her to be able to do it.

I went to my office to complete some paperwork and after about 2 hours, I heard the sound of her falling down with a thump and occasionally, frustrated cursing. I went to the window and saw (Y/N) falling on her face every time she tried but getting up to do the same nonetheless. "Damn, this girl will kill herself at this rate." I thought and felt a bit proud about being her mentor. I looked at her graceful moves through the air, which turned into a complete disaster whenever she tried to use the spinning move on the titan dummy. "There must be some problem with her balancing" I thought. I found her beautiful the day I first saw her. "Just another pretty face that's gonna be titan food" I thought. After she sparred with me and sat on my face, I think I blushed for the first time ever in my entire life. I didn't let anyone see though because it's inappropriate. Now that I see her potential and determination, she seems to be more than just another pretty face. She is what I'd call beautiful. I knew she deserved a normal life and yet she chose this uncertain life where death my come and where its impossible to have a family. She is a very brave person. I know some stuff about her past. How she was rescued from a brothel before being sold off in the underground. How she killed a Garrison member but was let out because she was a minor. I was curious about her given that I was from the underground too. As these thoughts plagued my mind, I suddenly understood exactly what was causing the problems with the balancing.

"Oi brat. Get down here." I called (Y/N) out, who was sitting on a tree, about to do the spinning move again. When she got down, I noticed that she got some minor cuts on her face. Atleast her instincts were good enough to make her use her hands to prevent her face from getting hit. "Yes heichou?" she asked, confused. "I have a fair idea about why you can't get that move done. Your body proportions are what's causing this." I told her with a calm voice even if talking about it made me uncomfortable. "I don't understand..." she muttered, clearly confused. "Your breasts are what's causing the issues. My body structure allows me to distribute all my weight at the correct points but as your body structure is different, the distribution gets disoriented as your breasts are the weights that make you slouch forward easily." I explained as calmly as possible. This was awkward. I saw a blush slowly creep upon (Y/N)'s cheeks as she muttered, "But they aren't too big...". " Well, the simplest errors can make it impossible to master this move. I'm not sure if you can do it but try using bandages to bind you chest and make the surface as flat as possible." I answered with a stoic expression, which was very hard to bring given that I have never talked to cadets about their breasts, and the fact that this particular cadet made me want to rip her clothes off didn't help at all. "Hai!" (Y/N) answered before running off towards the castle.

She actually did it. It didn't take any effort at all. I was right about the problems with body proportions. You came back after a while with an almost flat chest. It didn't look comfortable at all because she looked like someone punched her on the face. I, however, was impressed by her determination. And, the fact that she was able to get the spinning move done at one try. Ofcourse, it wasn't perfect, it had many flaws, but, it was an amazing feat as no one else was able to get this done. However, I knew that this wouldn't work well with her because being uncomfortable on an expedition isn't an option. "Oi, get down" I commaded her as she got down from the tree, pleased with herself. "Yes heichou?" she asked. "You won't be using this move. You're not feeling comfortable in bandages and that's as obvious as it can get. Just make use of the speed training we went through." I advised her. "Yes heichou!" she answered and as she was going off towards the castle, I spoke up, "Oi (Y/N)! You did well.". "Thank you heichou" she answered, giving me a rare smile. She really should smile more often.

Your POV

I came back being pleased with myself after getting a rare compliment from Levi heichou. After some very intense and not to mention, painful training for 2 hours 30 minutes that compliment probably was the best gift anyone could possibly ask for. I went back to Petra and my room to find Petra sleeping. I took a shower and went to take a nap. I was asleep but I was woken by feeling someone drag me out of the bed. I woke up and saw Hanji dragging me out. I tried to get out of her grab but Petra and Eren also held me firmly. I could've gotten away from Hanji easily but I couldn't fight with three people grabbing onto me. They brought me downstairs and Levi heichou was there too with a glass of alcohol in his hand. I was shocked to find him here and looked at Hanji and she explained that she dragged heichou out here so that he won't drink alone in his room, in Hanji's words, like a sad excuse of a human. Apparently he drank alone before expeditions. No matter how hard I tried to avoid drinking, Hanji was relentless. I had to drink a few sips of alcohol. As the alcohol started kicking in, Hanji convinced heichou to have a drinking contest. I had to admit that the alcohol made me feel light headed and more confident. I liked the feeling despite the horrible taste which is why I drank a bit more than I planned to. Then I remembered that my body weight was not enough to take it all but my head started spinning by then and I was slipping on and off my consciousness.

Levi POV

Hanji thought that she would win because she was taller but she didn't know about my high alcohol tolerance. After an entire bottle, Hanji was done. It seemed that she had lower alcohol tolerance than I imagined. I had one more glass and I won naturally. I was pretty drunk and thought it's best to go to bed. Before I got up, (Y/N) puked. Everyone was a bit surprised as they didn't notice her taking on two glasses like an idiot. Since no one was sober enough to get her up to her room, I knew I had to do it "Tch! They had to get wasted now." Eren was already sleeping as he wasn't allowed to drink. "Ofcourse she puked. She didn't come down for dinner" I remembered. "Petra, get Eren to clean this mess up. I'm taking her upstairs and you're coming with me to clean her up" I stated with authority to a tipsy Petra. I took her to the bathroom in their room and made her sit on the floor. She was barely conscious. I waited outside for Petra to be done washing and dressing her so that I can pick her and put her to bed. Petra called me when she was done. I picked (Y/N) up and put her to bed while Petra was washing her clothes.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Your past will be explained now. It includes rape and underage sexual acts and, well, some seriously nasty stuff so don't read if it bothers you. Skip to the next chapter in that case.

"Heichou?" she called out weakly before I left. "What brat?" I asked keeping my usual bored face. "The first day we met, didn't you call me a privileged brat? How does it feel to know that the only thing your prostitute mother told you is that you're born to do exactly what she does? How does it feel when those men do things to your mother and all you can do is sit in the room and read a book to pretend nothing is happening? How does it feel when those drunk men touch you, do things that they did to your mother and hurt you like your body is splitting? How does it feel to know that your mother left you to these people and that you'll never see her again? How does it feel to be hit and cut by these men? How does it feel not being given water unless you drink the semen of those people? How does it feel when you gladly do it because you are so thirsty? You don't know anything about the life I had, heichou. When they told me I'm safe after taking me out of that horrible place, I believed them and I regret it because that man I killed wanted to do the same things I went through in that hell. He told me that I shouldn't mind because he assumed I enjoyed these back then. I enjoyed slitting his throat and gauging his eyes out. You knew nothing heichou " she said, her voice cracking as tears left her eyes. I looked at her, shocked by her sudden confession. I had no idea that she still remembered what I told her that day. I had no idea it hurted her feelings to that extent. Besides, as much as I knew, she never said anything about herself to the court or to anyone. As much as I knew, she didn't talk in her court case about murdering that man. She only did it for self defense. I looked at the weeping girl. She was a brave soldier and seeing her break down like that made me feel things I didn’t quite understand. It made me do something that I never did for anyone before. I sat on the edge of her bed, took her hand and said "Now you know how to fight. No one can hurt you now. You can trust yourself and if you want, you can trust me. I'm sorry about my behaviour that day. I shouldn't have judged you without taking a closer look." She gave me a shocked look after I said that. I gave her a small smile, and left the room. This was the first time I smiled after years.

To be continued

Taglist: @kingtamakimurder, @realityisoftendisapointing

[jinxthequeergirl]

Panic settles

Chuck Steinberg x reader

Summary: after you escape your story with only four of your five of your senses, you stick around with chuck in the hospital end up getting seperated.

Warning: swearing

OK listen....once again late in the night Satan took hold of my soul And told me to write this :/

This is probably God awful but I mean so is everything else I write so...?

~~~~~~~~

It was all pretty fucked, the whole situation, the fact that three kids had been taken or killed you were still unsure about that fact. there wasn't any sign of foul play just a kid missing, and it was even surprise to you that you managed to get to Ruth, that they managed to save you.

That moment still played in your head.

You could hear chuck and Stella calling out to you But couldn't see them. That's when panic settled in your stomach.

"C...chuck!?...stella!?.." one of your hands sat across your face where that thing clawed at your face, while you used your other hand to guide you. "Chuck!?"

It was minuets before he was sat in front of you. "Hey I'm Right here..." he took both your hands and grimced umong seeing your face. "Oh God..."

You wanted to cry, the feeling took over your body and showed it's self in your words. "I...I can't..." he nodded and took your face in his hands. "It'll be ok...it's gonna be fine..." You could tell he was lying but you went with it.

"Y/n?" you jumped and looked up at chuck. He frowned when You did so seeing the bandages around your eyes. "Are you ok? You look more freaked out then I am.." You chuckled and pushed your hair back.

"You think?" there was a beat of scilens between the two of you. "You think we'll make it outta this?" you asked pushing yourself off the ground to lean against the wall he was up against.

"I mean we got to Ruth right? You saved me?..." You added, hearing him make a noise. "Yea barrely..." You swallowed thickly. "I'll be fine chuck...I used to walk around my house blindfolded, I-"

"It's not the same! You are permanently like this for all we know! We should of realized it was YOU Sooner!" You hung your head. "It wasn't your fault..." you whispered.

There was more quiet. It was weird for you two to be this quiet. You where the loudest pair in your friend group, always laughing, always making jokes. Now...not So much. You leaned your head back against the momentarily before hearing the shuffle of feet and then feeling chuck grab your hand.

"Where are we going?"

"I don't know...I can't stand here...we'll get caught." you heard him click the buttons rappidly.

With in what felt like a matter of seconds there was a rush of the fall air across your face. "Chuck?..."

"Shit." you felt him let go of your hand for a moment. "Chuck?"

"OK just keep your head down." he took your hand again and lead you. You made it quite a distance before you heard someone call out to you. "Hey! Hey kid's, you lost?"

Your free hand grabbed chucks arm instinctively. Suddenly he picked up pace. "Hey!"

"Chuck? What's happening!?" You heard a door swing open then slam shut. "Stairs!" he warned. You moved your free hand hastily to grab the railing and walked down them as quick as you could, only stumbling a few times.

You had hit flat floor again but where pulled along running. "Chuck!?"

You where pulled to the side and then suddenly his arm was around your shoulder and the other over your mouth.

"They went this way! Sound the alarm!" You waited, and waited. Then finally he let go. "C'mon there gone..." he took your hand again and lead you to the stairs. "Careful...there's more stairs..." You let out a long shaky breath. Thankful you where no longer running.

"We'll get you out of whatever it is Shara Bellows has for you...." you said finally. He looked at you. "I mean your right...not being able to open my eyes when I'm unsure of what hall to turn down...not being able to see what people look like...not knowing where I am all the time with out someone telling me..."

You felt him squeeze your hand. "I don't know that I could do any of this with out you." you smiled turning to face him the best you could offering a smile.

He smiled back with a chuckle. "Good cause I don't trust you to do this with out me...your a mess as it is." You laughed at him. "Yea ok...I'm worse than you I suppose?"

"Pfft a lot worse!"

"As if!" You leaned against him pushing him a little. He turned down a hall with you close in tow.

You jumped when a siren went of and chuck froze dead in his tracks. "What is it?"

He gave no answer only turned around and stopped again. "Chuck answer me!"

"The red room."

"What?"

"This is the red room...she's...she's here." your heart skipped a beat and you tugged his arm. "Then We need to go!"

He turned you around again and stopped again. "Chuck..." he pushed you behind him and backed up, you cliches into his shoulders.

Suddenly you where spun around and shoved hard. "Go! Start running!" You grabbed his arm. "Chuck i'm not leaving you, you moron!" he pulled your hand free from his arm.

"You need to go!"

"Chuck! I'm not leaving! I promised i'd get you out of this!" you reached out to grab his hand but couldn't find it. "Y/n Just go! I'm right behind you!" you paused a moment. "Y/n, I swear! It's just as important you get out of here! I'm not letting something bad happen to you again!"

You started running in the direction he pointed you bumping into the wall and ran down the other end.

Chuck was facing one direction after he pushed you. The white lady slowly making her way towards him every direction he looked finally he turned to go down the hall he sent you But stopped when he saw her appear there too.

"Shit...shit..."

You tripped and fell on your knees. "Chuck! where did you go!?" it was then that panic settled in your stomach again. You knew he was in danger yet you went on with out him.

"Chuuuuck!?" your voice started to crack with worry as you called out for someone. "Chuck!? Help! Help us!" You moved your hand around looking for the base of the wall to help you up.

"Help! Somebody!" You stopped hearing him call out somewhere behind you. "Chuck!" You turned yourself around going to move back that way when someone grabbed you.

You let out a scream but calmed down when they started talking. "Y/n! Y/n It's us! It's us!"

"Ramoan? Stella?"

"Yes it's us, where's Chuck?" you pointed a shaky finger in the direction you last heard him. Stealla took off first and Ramoan followed, leading you along side him.

"Chuck?" you moved away from Ramon when he stoped feeling yourself kick something. You sunk to your knees and picked it up.

"Oh my God..."

"What? What is it?" Stella took the pen from you and looked at it.

"It's his pen." your breath caught in your throat. "No..." You brought a hand up to cover your mouth muddling the sobbing sound that fell from your mouth.

Later in what Stella told you was the police station. You sat there quietly for the most part.

"He's really gone..." you mumbled Stella looked over to you. "It's bad enough I wasn't going to see him again now he's just completely gone from my life...I...I told him I wouldn't let shara get him...."

She put a hand on your shoulder reassuringly. "And then he pushed me from him and said it was more important that I was safe...that he couldn't have anything else happen to me...he's gone...or worse! Thinking what happens to me is HIS fault."

"Y/n...Chuck Was just trying to protect you he loved you and didn't-"

"I'm sorry what?" you stopped her mid scentence and turned your head to her. "He what?"

"He told me walking home from your play last fall...he made me swear to never tell you But I mean everything he did was because of that..."

You scoffed and nodded. "Of course...and...and he'll never tell me because...because You had to go and take that book and...and fuck up our lives!"

Stella looked at you sadly. "Y/n, we'll get them back....there has to be a way to do it."

"Then do it! Fix this..."

[punkscowardschampions]

Jimmy & Janis

Poor Pablo

Jimmy: You here? Janis: standing to attention, like Janis: what's up? Jimmy: Can I stay at yours tonight like? Janis: 'Course, my Dad already extended the offer when he was trying to parent me lol Janis: Yours doing your head in? Jimmy: Seriously though? I'll sleep in the bath and try not to have Skerries flashbacks. Give a shit Jimmy: Yeah Janis: You don't have to Janis: though I've been told its comfier than you'd imagine if you're feeling it Janis: What's his damage...not ideal they had to call the parentals in but it is just detention, not a court date, y'know? Janis: I'd have figured out a way to take all the blame if I knew he'd go off Janis: Wank bank fantasy getting outta hand in the stalls? 🤔😉 Jimmy: It's an excuse for him to get at me, that's it Jimmy: Doesn't really matter what the drama is Jimmy: 😍 Proper romantic you 💕 Janis: Yeah Janis: Suppose it'd make a nice change to have you as the bad guy for once, eh? Janis: fuck that though Janis: Who me? Janis: never Jimmy: What d'you mean 😎👎💔 Jimmy: I'm so bad Janis: Very bad boy, NOT bad guy, waaaaaay different vibe Janis: Silly Jimmy: Good save Janis: Not a goalie or a superhero Janis: but Janis: 💪 Jimmy: 🏆 Jimmy: What time can I come over? Freezing here casually Janis: Come over now idiot Janis: Be doing me a favour anyway, be your charming self so I can escape the fam Jimmy: Done Jimmy: Want me to bring you anything? I'm thinking chips but no pressure Janis: Quite the offer Janis: but no need Janis: there's always so much food going in this gaff Janis: may as well help yourself Jimmy: Yeah? Jimmy: Alright Jimmy: I'm just gonna get Cass to bring me some stuff out #doorstepdrama Jimmy: Like fuck am I gonna come back here any earlier than needs Janis: That's fun 😒 free entertainment for the neighbours, nice one 👍 Janis: at least Cass'll get a kick out of helping the outcast hero Janis: Best to let him have his paddy, yeah, he'll be begging you back when he can't figure out where the kid's school shoes are Jimmy: I wouldn't bother but I need my charger in case Bobby can't sleep. Cass shouldn't have to handle that on her own Jimmy: She's be the definition of #buzzing for this part at least Jimmy: Maybe Twix'll shit in his shoes this time, 'cause bitch be loyal Janis: Shame you can't bring them both but kidnap would technically be something to shout about Janis: They'll be alright though, she's a tough cookie and a smart kid Janis: Get Grace to facetime him a bedtime story, he'd love that and she'd feel like she's doing jackanory, like Janis: We can only hope girl comes thru Jimmy: He'll take her up on that if I don't. Boy is 💕 for Gracie Jimmy: You're not about to get off light though, Cass wants to hear from you that I'm alright Jimmy: My word isn't worth a damn apparently Janis: She ain't offering for you! Even if you're currently in her good books for taking a 🔥 photo, like Janis: Still not good enough to be her fave 🤷 Janis: Tough ground Janis: Well, she's got you there, you're not the best at using 'em 😏 100% taking the fact I'm being considered the reliable one for once Jimmy: You win this round Jimmy: Don't get too comfy with it though Jimmy: I am on my way Janis: S'lonely at the top Janis: Get on my level, boy 🥇 Jimmy: 🎻 Janis: rude Janis: biting the hand that feeds Jimmy: Learning from your true love like Janis: I won't stand such slander on her good name Janis: she's a revenge shitter only not a biter 😂 Jimmy: 😂 Jimmy: I'm having a smoke, you joining me or am I coming knocking? Janis: Lungs won't thank me but Pablo would if he knew how close he was to getting a smackdown Janis: Save me some I'm running Jimmy: *He took it easy on this one (not for her sake, you snooze you lose, mate) having been puffing away consistently since he slammed the door on his dad's ranting 'cause he'd needed to calm down. Or shut down. Naturally, it crept up on him, as persistent, which is why he's here, huddled in another cold doorway, waiting for a distraction that'll have him forgetting the barney his dad started days before and wasn't done with yet. Argumentative prick. Jimmy was happy to let Janis have that win, the only where he wouldn't (and couldn't) compete being in this, in drowning out the shit with something that isn't. There's no hiding the smile when he sees her, if the shadows do let him get away with it, they won't for long 'cause he's closing the gap between them instantly, refusing as much of the space as he can without giving himself away for doing it as he passes the cigarette over.* Janis: *She takes the cigarette like its second-nature, kiss on his cheek, feeling the familiar dimple of his smile, like they are too. Far from it on both counts. She's not a smoker, she needs her lungs clear and strong. And she's not in love, same reasons for her heart. Simple as. Still, she could enjoy the benefits of both without committing, couldn't she? Why not. It's not like she's faking either, just...dipping her toes. Only likely to incur minor damage, she reckoned she could take that and still get away laughing. Sure. Long drag before passing it back because without needing to even look his way, (though she did regardless, studious expression taking in his tight, stressed as shit, posture right now), she knew he needed it more. Janis jogs her legs up and down, 'brring' in the cold Winter night air.* You alright then? *She adds, as if they're just meeting on her doorstep by chance, not for reason. She smirks, shaking her head at herself, nudging his side.* Jimmy: *With the cigarette back between his fingers and the girl by his side he gets what he needs, the familiarity a reminder that this is his normal, not what he rushed to leave behind. To pick up his girlfriend for dinner his dad will have to drop this, rely on moody silence to show how he really feels and his own fakery, in this woman's company, for what he thinks he should. They all know how to handle the first, years under their belts, and the second idea's even more temporary. Fuck it. Jimmy could make a single cigarette last longer than his dad's current relationships, and had done, sometimes. Not this one though. Nah. He wasn't the dickhead to keep his girlfriend shivering while he pissed about blowing smoke in the dark. He took a final drag before flicking it away to meet Janis's contact with his own, using his now free hand to gently brush a loose curl from her cheek.* Yeah, mate, you? Janis: *Janis scrunches her nose up, batting his hand away, mix of bashfulness and banter, blown with a raspberry. Turns out, sex is alright, stunning review there, indescribably better than alright obviously but- its the smaller, everyday moments of intimacy, that had flown under her radar when she wasn't receiving them, that she still finds herself flinching from, or covering up said flinch with some kind of bullshit she finds it easier to wear, to shoulder.* Fine. *She blurts out, flustered and being a little sharp with it. Get it together. More jokes, forever skirting around serious, not getting too real or too deep 'cos they both know there's no coming back and why ruin it and- She peers at him, like he's a dog in Crufts, pretending to shine a torn in his eyes, checking his teeth, that kinda shit.* Hmm, healthy enough specimen. Gonna give me anything else to give to your Sister though, like? Dunna if 'yeah' is gonna get her off the phone in a hurry, to be honest. Not that I give a shit, or nothin', don't get it twisted. *She grins, turning to the door and then back again, lingering, reluctant to open the door yet, knowing they'd get descended upon by someone almost immediately. All fun and games. Still, there wasn't a world in which she was gonna turn him down and have him out on the street, like. No way.* Jimmy: *He plays along as though it's still a game and why not? He's just admitted to himself how used to fakery he is, being a family trait like, with both of them for him to thank. Not that he's sparing a thought for his mum, first or second. Not now. He told himself no more slips with the girl beside him and meant that just as much. More. It's easier to stick to on every level, and he does, ruffling her hair fully when he gets the chance. Eyebrows raised and an expression of his own ready to wear. This, he can keep up all night, same as the exaggerated huff that he let's escape, like a Twix snore, into the night along with the shrug that follows.* Use your skills, throw in as many hashtags as it takes to put her at ease. Throw in a selfie if she still isn't convinced. Me sleeping sound should do it. * He's joking but not wrong for it, not able to remember a time when he fell asleep before the other two. Cass'd be beyond 'shook' to even see a fake out of him getting a good forty winks. Jimmy smirks through the thought, forcing it to pass.* You got this, girl* He retorts it in the best mimicry of how Mia and that crowd speaks that his accent can do, wincing slightly both at the impression and idea of them being around. Still, he claws some of his 'clout' back with a challenging look that adds 'What else have you got.' 'cause who are they if there's not a challenge ongoing. As if to emphasis this, he goes towards the door himself, pushing it open with more daring than he actually feels. * Gonna invite me in then, or what? Janis: *She kisses her teeth angrily, full on 'boy, if you don't stop-' vibes, planting a balled fist in his stomach, gentle warning like, no need to assault him before the family saw to it with their over-the-top nature and curiosity. She knew it would but it was getting to her more than she imagined even. The cooing and awwing or the piss-taking and wink-wink nudge-nude of it all, whatever approach they took, why did they have to? What business was it of theirs? Of anyones? Why did there always have to be a song and dance about everything? The hot takes she'd never ask for. Ruined everything. Why did they care? About this? About her? Just fuck right off. Messy. Too messy. Family, feelings- fuck it all. She used to kid herself, couple of years ago, when it happened, that she'd move out as soon as she could and that'd be it. They'd leave her alone. And she could just exist. Run, sleep and repeat. And that is all she'd have to do. No thinking or feeling ever. But she knew better now. They weren't just going to disappear, even if she changed postcodes. Even Edie couldn't manage that. And she had really tried. The others didn't want to. So she was stuck. Here in the land of the living. Forced to participate, like it or not. Then Jim had come along. Made her like it, a little bit, like. And he'd made her think maybe she could add to her shortlist of approved activities. But let her think about that for too long and she always came to the same conclusion; that she was a fucking idiot and it'd all end in tears. She sighed, overexaggerating it last minute to pretend it was in reply to his showy huffing and puffing.* Not my skill-set, kid. You were always better at it than me. Not just the snappin', like. Right up until you jumped ship for a pretty face, #commitment. *She laughs.* But for Cass, I'll see what I can do. *Cringing at the accent-attempt and gasping in mock-horror at the invocation of Mia and co. (as if say their names three times and they'll appear to tell you your outfit is ugly) she puts a finger to his lips, pushing him behind her at the same time so she can lead the way in too.* Ta-dah! *She flourishes, with a shrug to say 'you asked for this' 'cos there was no hiding now. The downstairs open-plan, parentals unconvincingly 'busying' themselves in the kitchen. Iggy, Diego, Gus and (thank fuck, 'cos we know who's the likeliest to be a prick here) Pablo so far unaccounted for, Grace watching telly, curled up with her phone as per. Janis was ready to bolt up to her room, not so much as a hello but reckoned Jimmy wouldn't want the rep of being her 'rude boyfriend' (as concerned as he was with opinion clearly, bless) so she shouts out 'Jim's here', eyes on the stairs, giving them five seconds to respond before she was up 'em, like.* Jimmy: *The house makes him feel the same as it did the first time he was here once he's through the door again, thankfully though the urge to whistle is muted today, full of sobriety as he is, in every sense. He knew her family weren't renters in over their heads like his from day 1, it isn't just that like. He isn't just some reverse snob, it's everything here they haven't had to buy, and he couldn't if he had armfuls of cash. The 'vibe' he'd probably call it if he was Grace or her crowd. Still, he nods at everyone about as if it's common place for him to him to be greeted by a warmth that's nowt to do with temperature.* Evening. *He's got his smile back on but Jimmy's hand is scratching the back of his neck before he can stop it giving him away and all he can do is 'reckon' on Janis being too caught up on her own family dynamics to call him out for his lack of. That's the real #goals, isn't it? He thinks to himself, trying to shake these feelings off him without moving. Or sighing. You massive dickhead. Grace waves at him without looking up from her phone screen, a slice of his home life #relatable enough he can follow her sister's gaze with a decent smirk and a readiness to deal with what's gonna come down. Need's must had him here in the first place, alright, but now he's made it as far as asking to be let in, he'd like to stay. Not only be a grumpy twat Janis is stuck with, but a laugh she wants to stay about. In her gaff and out of it. When nobody immediately appears he heads up himself, not forgetting her insistence to lead the way before, he looks over his shoulder at her, obvious with it that's there's nowt for her to do now but keep up.*  Unlucky, mate. You're not getting off that easy, we've got a whole night ahead. Janis: *Janis is holding herself rigid, eyes fixed as tight and strong on her parents letting them know in no uncertain terms to behave...and they did? Leaving it at cheery hellos and promises of dinner being done in about half an hour if they fancied it. Hm. First time for everything. Letting disbelief at their ability to be normal for once in their friggin' lives (where had this been all the other times she'd begged them/the universe for it?!) carry her up the stairs behind Jim. She let him flounder in the burrow-like corridors of upstairs, so different to the openness of the downstairs, that'll teach you to go ahead, boy, she thought with a smirk, now pushing in front with arms wide open.* Pick a door, any door! *She laughed, heading to her own before he actually did, not knowing who was in.* Welcome to my humble-abode... *She added, as they were over the threshold, kicking her gym bag, over-spilling with laundry, aside. She sat down on her unmade bed to assess, from outsiders, from his, eyes. Not here enough anymore that it was critically messy, that was good; old posters covering up old holes in the plaster from older anger, nothing cringe, thankfully but- It was a bit sad, to be honest...bare, lacking...anything, personality, life. She sighed. Red-faced from embarrassment and redder still from anger at feeling that embarrassment. She didn't care about herself, yeah. And what? And what is that her room said as much in no uncertain terms and having him see it was just- well. Shaming. Time for a joke.* If this setting don't get you in the mood, I don't know what will. Jimmy: *10 kids, he reminds himself, when he reaches the top and is met with an upstairs that belongs to a different house. That disconnect continues, growing, when Janis opens one of the doors in the maze. Hers. He's got no room to judge, none of his house looks lived in yet, as if Cass can protest having to by refusing to help unpack, knowing he doesn't have (or want to make, 'cause there's enough stuff in there for it to be boring, but then there's what's missing too, which is worse. Depressing.) the time to tackle the unopened box on his own after months. He isn't. Judging, that is. But he can't stop himself looking about, eyes focusing again on what there is, and isn't. What it means. And doesn't. Fuck. What a pair, they are like. Jimmy has to say something, silence will have her thinking all kinds of shit that isn't right. Least of all that he's a twat. Which, sort of is. He's equipped to be that though, which is something. He can easily grin at her, fall into simple, old habits. Banter by numbers that'll be #nodrama for her to throw back at him. 'Cause whatever his dad might think right now, he's not the dickhead trying to make everything harder. Why would he? The day to day shit already has that covered. So he aims his biggest 'heart eyes' at her, from the earliest days of their fakery, hiding any real expression in the over-the-topness of it all, for her as much as him (he tells himself, without needing much convincing with the blush spotted. It isn't thanks his charms, they both know. But in a second they can pretend it's his cringe factor.)* Only got eyes for you, babe. We could be anywhere. *Still, even as he's mocking himself with mimicking throwing up in his mouth, before she can, naturally, passed that, somewhere real he's deciding that should she suggest getting out of here to elsewhere tonight he's not about to fight it. Wherever they end up. #nocringe. It'd be too much of a lie to act like asking to come here was too much and everything that's come after, as a result, is too. He shouldn't have done it and there's no wonder everything's been off since. Her room could be the same as downstairs and he wouldn't wanna stay there, would he? It's his 'vibe' fucking things. Cheers dad. Jimmy sighs, throwing himself on the bed, and turning it into the appreciative whistle he didn't do at the door. Fucking hell.* Janis: *The eye-roll comes so hard it has her reeling, spinning out in her own head. At least, its better for them both if she pretends that's what's got her feeling dazed and disorientated. Sick with not knowing how to play this. No 'oh my, a boy in my room!' giddiness, fuck that shit. It was 'oh my, having to spend time in this depressing pit'. And his hand forced to spend his time here too. It'd be different if he had wanted to. Maybe. Okay, probably not. But if he had wanted to then they really wouldn't care where they were, paying no mind to anything but each other, not like his car was a lambo or like she'd given two fucks then, so it might've been tolerable. Ignorable, at the very least. But he HAD to be here. Nowhere else to go. That paired with how this room inadvertently showed all her cards had her feeling as bare as their surroundings, #exposed as they would say for the craic. Not that she was mad at him for not begging to sleepover just 'cos he wanted her so bad, again, fuck that shit hard. Not that girl. Everything was just weird and off and it didn't lend itself to a good night's sleep for either of 'em, she was willing to bet. She shrugged, those muscles so overworked, never skipped, massaging at the tension there in vain. Bounced from the dramatic way he flung himself down, she rests herself down on her elbow beside him, face to face.* If you want, we can go to the Barn. Its kitted out, like- *She pauses, thinking back on the times when it had been a place they all made Diego's films together, the times it had been Edie and Rio's bedroom, sneaking in there with them, leaving Grace alone in the dark of their old shared room. Now, well- She spent even less time in there than she did here. Only venturing when it was so dark and she felt so alone, it just felt right to hide out in there; harking back to all those many nights she'd sneak out, praying Edie would be there again, and to the one night, she was. Tucked up in her bed as if she'd never left. As if she wasn't really there. But she was. She was. And she'd gestured for her to get in with her and they'd just held each other...Janis holding on for dear life, determined to NEVER let go, so she couldn't leave again. She thought she felt the same desperation, in the way her big sister clutch to her too, almost hurting her but she would have never of complained. Determined to keep her in sight, eyes wide open and staring into hers, barely visible in the dark but there. She was there. Of course, she had fell asleep, and of course, when she awoke, the sun was up and Edie was gone. She was just a fucking kid, like. 'A fucking failure is what you were. And are.' She shook her head. At least the barn HAD memories, more than you could say of the box room she'd relegated herself too. No longer able, or needing to share with anyone. Not Grace. Or Rio and Edie. They'd all gone. Empty rooms to fill.* All mod cons and a comfy bed, like. But you can keep that between us and add to your sob story, yeah? *She mimics the tiny violin he was always sending, #IRLShade like, hoping the piss-taking would distract from the disjointed nature she'd made that offer in. Ghosts refusing to let her go, let her be with him fully. She never could be. It was the sad kind of hurt when you just know, know that whatever you're doing, or want to do, won't work. And knowing this and knowing you're gonna hurt the other person, so far so clueless. Oh, Jim. Why do you think I was on my own when you met me, boy?* Jimmy: *He's fucked it instantly, looking at her too hard, all the bollocks stripped back and away by how close she is, suddenly, though he should have expected it. Not like her bed's big enough for anything much else, but he never does, somehow. Still. Ever. Breathing hurts but he forces himself not to keep it shallow, refusing to swap places so soon when she was meant to be the one swooning. Fake or not. And there's so much real shit he wants to say, but can't. Again, too much. It leaves him only inhaling and sighing, brooding like the kinda poser he isn't trying to be on any day. Least of all this one. Does it matter though? It doesn't feel like it when his hand drops before it can reach out, touch her in any way, jokes as out of bounds as anything. He isn't meant to be lost with her, but tonight doesn't give a fuck about that, does it? He jumps on the offer a change, nodding, frantic for a kick that'd have him behaving like less of a dick. Please. The fucking break he hasn't asked her for is there, inching closer to letting itself be said, and he's scared of that, going there like.* Alright. *He wants to give himself a smack for how quiet he sounds. Serious. Okay knobhead, calm it. Good luck following that through when you know you've got none though, Jim. He's up and taking her hand before he can dwell on it, moving to take the lead as far as retracing their steps and being out. He can handle that geography. Jimmy does allow himself a pause small enough only to draw a cross over his heart playfully once she's played the violin for him. Thanks, mate. It's almost spoken aloud 'cause of the relief the familiarity of it , brought here and now, comforts him. Alright, calm it again, tosser. But yeah, that works, letting him. He walks stretching their linked hands as far as possible while staying connected, laughing genuinely, still soft but out there. He draws a quick tick over the same space, hurriedly.* Done. Janis: Alright. *She confirms with a nod as serious as his close-to-silence was. Couldn't accuse him of being a man of too MANY words usually, like, but still, spoke volumes, didn't it? Could write friggin' volumes on how badly she was fucking it up with him now. That's what you did after break-ups, right? Write wanky (in all the ways) poetry. Fuck that. Get the fuck out of your own head, fucking eejit! Now! He's still here yet. She seized the conversation by the balls, 'fore it got away from her grasp again, immediately adding-* Alright, alright, alright! *Matthew McConaughey style. 'Cos Christ, someone had to cut through the tension and she weren't about to invite the fam up to give it a go. Fuck that, too. Even if it was awkward as arse, to say the least, and the dead and buried past was unearthing itself just to try drag her under tonight- she still wanted it to be just them. Him and her, fuck the rest. And that was something. Even if that was all she could get, all she still had. She'd cling to that with bleeding, broken nails, jaw clamped, teeth sunk deep in the flesh of it. It was something. She was so fucking used to, so fucking sick of, nothing. A promise, or a prayer, she repeated it over and over, 'til she near believed it herself. With this in mind, she pulls on the hand that is leading her, pulls him back, understanding his rush and only wanting to slow it for one thing. She mimics shooting him where he had been tracing, where she wants to trail her own fingers badly, as he draws in, she puts her fist over his heart, thumping up and down, up and down, before exploding out- And with that, she kisses him, as desperate as he was to take up her offer and run, she needed this more. And she had never known anything she needed more than to run. But she did. She did.* Done. *She mirrors, drawing her lips away from his, with a smirk. Ahead again, one foot on the top step.* Jimmy: *He's about to descend back into mockery, the words 'all about the obscure refs, you' there, ready to go if he's willing to release them, thoughts already going backward, onto the typed convo where she tried to give him an artsy education, school him about muses, all of that, but before he can take the step she's pulling him, literally to where she's forced a stop. In the first second he's tense, thinking it's a full one, that she's done with him and the company he isn't being tonight, but before he can fall further into his pit (he's in there enough, prior that she's tried to dig at him with her best McConaughey, for fuck's sake) he all but floats out. There's no # that could cover this in his stunted imagination, he thinks, before his brain shuts off. The kiss is more than the break he didn't have the balls to ask for (though it lasts about as long as the one he'd gave her, standing on some twat's marble floor). It's a separation from all the shit that's been running him ragged for days, forcing him to run here in the first place. Jimmy knows then that he'll stay, has to, not 'cause there's nowhere else to go, but 'cause nowhere else exists when she kisses him like that. Fuck. It basically escapes, not as the word, but in sound that he can't escape either. Doesn't want to. The only thing he cares about is keeping this close to her and knowing she's alright with him being there. More than fucking alright like.* Nah mate *He retorts breathlessly, clawing back some strength back only as his hands find her hips and use the grip he's found there to spin her body round to face him. He isn't done yet, there's no chance. Not now she's given him one to erase the last few days and land him back into decent ones with her. Jimmy's an echo of how he was after running from Mr Lucas and he's not letting go of that. What for? 'Cause his dad wants him to. Fuck that and fuck him. What was he done with was feeling like shit. So of course he kissed her again, sinking only into the depths of that, trying to say everything with it that he couldn't verbally. Needing to have a go even though it meant hearing Janis' clatter into the beginnings of the banister with the force of everything he was desperate for her to know, 'cause if he pulled back then that'd be it and he's not having that. Fuck no. He's lost enough, tonight's bed being the least of it. Janis: *If she was going to complain, (she wasn't), he doesn't give her the time, or space, to do so. Exactly what they both needed; and she didn't need to reckon that. Crashing together, crashing into the wall, like. No room for anything to come between 'em, not their thoughts or past or any of that bullshit; all blurring into background nothingness, where it belonged. In these moments, there was nothing but them and their need. And it was good. Really good. The kind of good she didn't need to second-guess or overthink. Just be in it and soak in every second, every touch, the heat and feel of his skin against hers, alive, human, real. The violence of the urgency, the competitive one-upping- Not only keeping it interesting (to say the fucking least) but keeping it as something she could understand, something that didn't scare the living shit out of her, frankly. Easy as breathing, this; Though both theirs was heavy now, laboured from the control of letting some of said go, whilst not losing themselves to it so wholly that they alerted someone to it, spoiling their fun for the second time in a week. A game of meeting every kiss of his with more, and then some. Biting, tugging at his bottom lip in, trying in vain to make the kiss even deeper. Nails dug into his shoulders, pulling him down with her as her back slid down the wall, him sat at the top of the stairs, her on his lap. 'How did you stop yourself though?' A faint voice in the back of her mind pondered, with no intention to found within her. Clearly, they needed the Mr. Lucas' of the world or they'd never get anything else done. Clearly channeling the man himself, Pablo chose this time to appear out of his room, quite literally stumbling onto the scene, and them, Janis sticking out an arm (and jumping off Jim's lap) with lightning reflexes so he didn't topple down the fucking stairs.* Oops, watch it... *She didn't have time (nor desire) to be embarrassed. Her older Brother's mumbly, half-asleep grumbles of 'a-fucking-gain? Really Janis?!' and promises to 'have words with you, later!' to Jim, had her creasing. When Pablo was out of sight, and out of mind as soon as, she rested her head on the shoulder she'd left nailmarks in, kissing it gently though she wasn't particularly sorry about it.* Jimmy: *It isn't until she has to save him from hitting the bottom of the stairs with a thud that he even sorts out in his head again where they are, beyond the abstract bollocks of 'together' and all that. It takes that much to get through to him, but he isn't sorry, 'cause he isn't alone in it. If he's falling, figuratively as well as the near literal, then she is too. And that's alright by him. More than fucking alright, as per like. Jimmy can laugh through this interruption, at what it takes to pull them apart now (unlucky Mr Lucas but you probably won't cut it next time) adding to it himself with the breathless whisper of 'fucking hell, mate' that finds only her ear as he shakes his head affectionately at the pair of 'em. Janis' brother's appearance (along with anything he might have said) forgotten as soon as it's happened, same as before. If they'd been any room for it he might have felt bad for the lad, keeping mugging him off like that, but he still wants what he wants. Needs, honestly. There's no forgetting, or ignoring that any 'itch' has only been scratched so far as to make it more 'itchier', more noticeable in the first place. It's a crap analogy but it's what's there as he pulls her down the stairs and back towards the door, rougher and noisier that he would if he could make a string of thoughts or words fit together properly to promise her that this still isn't done. Jimmy 'reckons' in a semi coherent idea that he'll barricade the barn door with any or all manner of shit, once they are there,  to guarantee no more interruptions tonight. Bet on that, mate, his expression says, as they go. Jinx. Fuck. He almost kicks the door in frustration upon hearing the shout for dinner, her dad's head catching them as 'ready' for it. Pfft. No chance. It smells good, yeah, but there's no contest. Janis feels, looks and smells incredible like. Meals can wait, they always did at his, even when he had his mum there to do his job of moving a tray of something from freezer to cooker, or his pop's of fetching a takeaway when in from work, there was no sitting down at a this or that time. No table to eat at either, just the sofa, or his bed when he was being the type of utter dickhead that only a certain age manages, whenever it was put in front of him. Here at Janis, that time, was right now. And worse, ('cause of course there's worse with his English luck) before he can do a dash that'd have that school day looking like slo-mo, his stomach rumbles, sealing the deal and their fates. His girlfriend has never let him go hungry yet. Shit. To be continued then.*