#and I've been clinging to knowing that if nothing else. I am able to help other people feel better.

[deoidesign]

.

[brehaaorgana]

ADHD money/budgeting system I'm currently using for my benefit is going well (I've been using it for like half a year now?), and I wanna recommend it.

You Need a Budget is EXCELLENT. 10/10 do recommend. Uhhh rambling about it and my generic disclaimers + gushing extensively under the cut but TL;DR I think it's great for ADHD ppl, I've used it for 6+ months now and I find it super SUPER helpful. also weirdly fun.

DISCLAIMERS:

Budgeting helps you understand/know your money, it can't make money appear where there is none.

Everyone should learn to budget even if you don't have much money (especially then)

This is NOT a magic trick solution. Just like everything else, it is an assistive tool. This is one of those adult things we can't simply opt out of without negative consequences, though.

My advice is based on something I am currently able to do. That is, I can spend an amount of money on this specific thing that works well for me. If you have no extra money to spend then previously I was tracking things in a notebook. So you can still do this.

I believe Dave Ramsey is a fundie fraud/hack and no one should listen to him about money.

DID YOU KNOW THEY CANCELLED MINT???

Okay? OKAY.

Ahem.

You Need a Budget is EXCELLENT.

It is called YNAB for short. The first 34 days are your free trial, and that is my referral link. If anyone uses it and then signs up for a subscription, we both get a month free. Also you can share a subscription with up to six people (account owner can see everything but individuals can pick and choose what they share amongst each other) so like...idk your whole polycule can be on one account. Or your kids. Whatever.

If you are a student, it's free for a year. If you aren't, a subscription is $99 for a year (paid all at once) or $14.99 monthly, which is equivalent to paying Amazon prime. Go cancel Prime and get this instead tbh.

They got a whole article just on ynab and ADHD. They also have like...a big variety of ways to access their info? They have a book, podcast episodes, YouTube videos, blog posts, q&A's, free live workshops you can join (you can request live captioning), emails they can send (if you want) a wiki, and so on. They got workshops on all kinds of topics!!

So whatever ends up working for your brain. It also has a matching app.

If you lost Mint this year they have a gajillion things for moving from Mint.

Also they have a "got five minutes?" Page which has a slider so you can decide how much attention/time you have before going on lol:

They only have 4 rules of the budget, they're simple and practical, and it doesn't get judgey or like...mean about your spending.

1. Give every dollar a job 2. Embrace your true expenses 3. Roll with the punches 4. Age your money.

THEN THEY BREAK THESE DOWN INTO SMALL STEPS FOR YOU! They even have a printable! Also these rules are great because there's built in expectations that things WILL HAPPEN and it's NOT all or nothing with a fear of total collapse into failure. Reality and The Plan don't always align, especially if you have ADHD. So it's directing our energy towards the true expenses and not clinging to The Plan!! over reality.

You can automate a lot of shit (you can sync with your bank accounts just like mint, but also automate tagging the categories of regular expenses/transactions). And if for whatever reason you accidentally do something that makes the budget look weird or wrong:

A) you can usually fix it somehow OR b) they have like, a button you can press that gives you a clean slate and archives the previous version of the budget for you.

So if you forget for a few weeks or months, or accidentally input something wildly wrong, or just don't want to look at a really terrible month anymore and feel like you need a fresh start you can usually either fix it or start fresh which is really nice.

The app also (for whatever reason) scratches my itch to have things like...have incentives or little game-like goals in a way mint never did? I don't know why. Filling up the bars or putting money into the categories to cover my expenses is satisfying lmao. You can also make a big wish expense category for all the fun shit you want, and fund it whenever you can and then you can see the little bar go up and that's fun.

Anyways I've been using it for like 6+ months now and I think it's really helped me when I use it.

[miraclewoozi]

NETFLIX AND-- ? - c.hs

you try everything in your power to try and help your workaholic boyfriend unwind on his night off. you quickly find out that vernon doesn’t know how to just do nothing.

pair; vernon x fem reader. genre; domestic smut. MINORS DNI. wc; 2.3k (short n sweet <3) note; saw a prompt while i was scrolling through some things and it had me feeling feelings. experiencing experiences. apparently i am soft needy for him today. barely proof read. smut tags utc. xoxo

smut tags; soft!dom/service top vernon but he’s also a fucking tease. fingering (f rec). sort of edging, more of a continued stop/start. squirting. implied that vernon has a praise kink (shock horror). let me know if i've forgotten any.<3

in your defence, you started out with perfectly innocent intentions. 

vernon works himself too hard. you wish he wouldn’t, but he does — it’s a fact, and even though he’ll always shake his head and deny it, you know it’s true. self care, to him, is working. it’s in the fulfilment from a job well done. it’s the clap on a shoulder from a higher-up that recognises how hard he’s been slaving away at his computer screen. it’s in getting results, and he doesn’t get results if he doesn’t do. if he doesn’t maintain. if he doesn’t nigh-on exhaust himself for the sake of the company he’s employed by.

so, you’ve made a plan. on friday, in the few hours he’ll have free between finishing work and settling down to sleep, you’re going to do whatever you can to look after him.

it starts with dinner. heartfelt, home-cooked food. he drops his bag by the front door and his entire face turns so soft he thinks it might melt clean off him. the aromas from the kitchen hit him and he floats across the apartment like a cartoon, all the way to where you’re stood waiting for him, a sort of dopey grin spreading across every single one of his features. 

“that smells so good,” he whines, putting his arms around your waist and nuzzling into your neck. when you ask how his day went, he says he doesn’t remember, he doesn’t care. because he’s home now, and because loves you so much — he doesn’t want to think about anything else.

he clings to you until the food is ready and laid out on the dining table, only pulling himself away when it becomes apparent that he’s not going to be able to have his dinner sitting in your lap.

you eat together with the lights slightly dimmed, a few candles illuminating the table. you talk, a little, but the quiet that surrounds the bubbles of conversation is just as comfortable, so neither of you are bothered when your minds are more focused on the food in front of you than conversing with each other. after, he helps you clear the dishes and stack them over by the sink: you’ll deal with them later on. 

your hand finds his, then, fingers intertwining, and vernon lets himself be dragged all the way to your bedroom. he changes out of his work clothes, tosses them into the laundry basket, and slips into an old, worn, stained and atrociously ugly pair of sweatpants instead. he bypasses a shirt at your instruction and lies face-down with his head nestled between the pillows. 

with one of his own playlists already filling the air around you, you straddle over his hips and start to massage your way up his back. your hands smooth over his skin, thumbs working at a couple of tight spots that have him gasping and grunting, threading his fingers through his own hair to try and keep still. it hurts a bit, but it’s a good kind of pain. so, he lets you work your magic on him; vernon feels all soft and loose, a bit like a deflated balloon animal, by the time you sit up enough for him to be able to roll over between your legs and face you again.

“i thought we could watch a movie tonight, too,” you say quietly, just barely audible over the soft r&b tune in the background. your fingertips tickle up and down his sides as you speak; he sighs at the softness of your touch. “anything you want.”

“what’s all this in aid of, exactly?” he asks, quirking up an eyebrow. his voice is deep and kind of  rough-edged. the way you like it most.

you laugh, quietly, and bend low to kiss the corner of his mouth, caging him in with your forearms either side of his head. “just… because i love you.”

his hands snake up your body to rest against your cheeks and he holds you in place for a second longer. one of the many, many things you love about vernon is the way he kisses you. every time, like it’s the first time. (a symptom of being a closeted rom-com enthusiast, perhaps?) but each press of his lips to yours is always so infused with passion: even the small ones, like this. with his eyes closed, his nose pressed to your cheek, the corners of his mouth pulled up into a shy smile. there’s adoration in every single moment. 

you roll off him when he lets go of you and sit up against the headboard, letting him go through the motions of choosing something for you to watch. a few minutes (and no less than three coin tosses to make the decision) later, you open an arm out for him at the sound of the movie starting, and he curls up into your side. his head rests peacefully on your shoulder, one of his legs hooked over one of yours, your arm snaked around his back. you settle into each other’s embrace in a way that you’ve not had time to do in a long while, matching hums of tranquillity vibrating in both of your throats.

the grand budapest hotel has only been playing for about twenty minutes when you feel him start to move slightly, the tips of his fingers gliding slowly across the hem of your t-shirt. you don’t make anything of it at first, because vernon has always had slightly restless hands, no matter what he’s doing. this is very normal for him. he’s probably just mindlessly feeling the fabric beneath his touch as he watches one of his favourite movies.

another few minutes pass and you feel his nails drag against the bare skin of your tummy. you raise an eyebrow and look at him, but his eyes are trained on the tv, even if one side of his mouth is lifted up in a sly kind of smile.

“what are you doing, babe?” you ask him. he lifts his head from its place on your shoulder and shrugs.

“nothing.”

“mhm, sure you aren’t.”

his hand moves down, then. down, towards your shorts. down, to where his palm wraps around your thigh, half resting on the material of your clothes and half sitting on your bare leg. his fingers make small, light, circular movements against your skin and he nudges your other thigh over slightly with the knee he settled between your legs earlier, effectively spreading you open for him. just a little.

just enough.

“vernon,” you chuckle, but you don’t make any attempt to move your legs back together. “come on, relax. watch your movie.”

“i am,” he says matter-of-factly, not taking his eyes off the screen. “wish i could say the same for you, though.”

“you’re terrible,” you sigh. 

“mm. no, i’m not.”

he creeps further and further up your thigh, until his hand has slipped completely under your loose fitting sleep shorts and he’s effectively pulling them to one side. a breath catches in your throat and you accidentally arch a little as you feel him brush over your underwear.

“watch the movie,” he says, a little more sternly, and you swallow thickly but settle down more comfortably again. if this is how he chooses to decompress… who are you to stop him, really?

but he knows you too well. knows your body like it’s his own. knows exactly how to make you tick without making you jump his bones and take control. his thumb starts to trace small circles over your covered clit, eliciting quiet gasps from your mouth, but every time you react – what he deems to be – a little too much, he stops. removes the pressure. leaves you to squirm.

“vernon,” you sigh after the third time, agitated but needy and squaring your jaw at his teasing. your panties are soaked by now and you need to feel more of him, but your boyfriend seems to be more than happy to work you up on his own terms. how long will he keep going like this for? there’s at least an hour left of the film; surely he won’t make you wait that long?

“focus, baby.”

or maybe, he will.

his lips find home at the base of your neck and he presses a series of small kisses to your skin, returning his thumb to your panties and rubbing you through them a little harder, pressing the fabric into your heat, smirking at the way your arousal seeps through them and coats his fingertips. your breaths start to pick up again, and you do everything you can to stop him from noticing, but he’s maybe a little too caught up sucking the sweet spot behind your ear to notice how fast your heart is beating from the way he touches you.

so when he drags your underwear out of the way and slides an elegant finger through your folds, you really don’t think you can be blamed for the fact that an unstifled moan leaves your lips.

vernon disagrees, though. because of course he fucking does.

“baby,” he challenges you, his finger just millimetres away from your clit when he stops moving it. “come on. you wanted to help me unwind tonight, didn’t you? that’s what all this was. you were being good to me.”

you nod at him, and he kisses your neck again.

“then watch.”

keeping your mouth tightly shut and fighting against the noises that your body so desperately wants you to make, you let him continue. you let him trace your arousal over your clit, let him dip his finger lower and press just enough inside you that your walls flutter around it. you let him work deeper, and add a second, and try your best not to clamp your legs around his poor wrist when he brushes against the sweet-spot inside you the way that only he knows how.

“s’that feel good, baby?” he asks you.

your eyes are all but glazed over and you don’t think you really know what’s going on in the movie anymore. you can’t remember the names of the characters. is there even a plot? or is it all just pretty, symmetrical imagery now? who the hell is the person that just showed up – surely you haven’t seen him, yet? fuck, you’re completely, hopelessly lost in his fingers and the way they’re buried inside your pussy. every reaction you want to give, you can’t, and it’s so difficult. 

but you nod at him anyway, because the least you can do is tell him he’s doing a good job. he likes to hear that sort of thing. 

and if there’s any dialogue in the grand budapest hotel, you don’t have a damn clue what’s being said. his fingers move faster inside you and the heel of his hand puts enough pressure on your clit that all of your muscles are tight in an attempt to do what he’s asked. the only sounds in your ears are the smacking of his lips on your throat and the lewd noises that come from the way your pussy sucks his digits in deeper. 

you feel like a little toy, wound up to high heaven. waiting, waiting, waiting to be released. waiting to fall into oblivion.

“vernon,” you gasp eventually, silently begging that he won’t stop, that he won’t leave you hanging when you’re so close to the edge.

thankfully, he doesn’t.

“mhm?” he curls his fingers again, a little harder, making you buck up into his hand. whatever game he was playing, he seems to be moving past it now. maybe he wants you to come as much as you do.

“close,” you strain. he nods, slowly, positioning his wrist differently so that he can lay his thumb over your clit instead. the much more deliberate pressure has you seconds away from seeing stars.

“m’gonna ask you about this movie tomorrow, you know,” he chuckles, but he doesn’t slow. he fucks his fingers into you over and over, bringing you closer and closer, and when your toes curl, when you grip his wrist with one hand, when your head falls back against the headboard –

euphoria rushes through you. wetness gushes from you. you feel your pussy contract around his fingers, hugging them tight even though your release tries to expel them; he lets you ride the high out, lets you make a mess on his hand as your hips roll down to meet him, a series of whines and moans falling from your lips. his own continue their gentle caress of your neck. you’re in bliss.

he pulls his fingers from you when you tug at his wrist to tell him to do so, lifting them to his mouth and sucking them clean of your arousal and your release. you close your eyes when he kisses you deeply, letting you taste yourself on his tongue, and his (granted, still kind of sticky) hand comes up to cup your face. 

adoration in every moment. like it’s the first.

“don’t bother asking me about it,” you tell him as he pulls away, bumping your nose against his and hearing, from the quiet wet smacking sound they make, how his lips grow into a smile. “i don’t know anything that happened.”

“this is the fourth time i’ve tried to get you to watch this movie, y/n,” he chuckles. 

“and this is the fourth time we’ve ended up here. what, does tilda swinton in that ugly wig really do it for you or something?”

“shut up,” he snorts, ever so gently pushing your cheek to move your head away from him. “no-one ever said you had to give into me that easily.”

“oh, you shut up,” you huff, closing your thighs and feeling how your shorts and panties cling to you uncomfortably, only half covering you after he failed to put them back properly. “i was supposed to be helping you chill out. it’s not my fault that you can’t go five minutes without getting handsy.”

“it’s absolutely your fault,” he challenges, getting to his knees and facing you. you can see his cock tenting his sweatpants now and you’d be lying to say that it doesn’t stir something in the depths of your stomach. “you know i can’t resist you in those shorts.”

“you’re so stupid,” you grin, opening your legs up for him to settle between, and he moves over straight away.

“yeah, well,” he chuckles, reaching down to pull your t-shirt up off your head. “you happen to love my kind of stupid.”

thank u sm for reading!! likes, reblogs, comments + feedback are all greatly appreciated!<3

[threepandas]

Bad End: Witness

"Specimen '873 is starting to disappoint me. He was showing such promise. These numbers, however?" My keeper muttered to himself, distaste painting his face as he watched the feed in front of him. "Unacceptable for a battle class. He might as well be spare biomass at this point."

He was supposed to be wearing his glasses, not holding them. They may have been called "reading" glasses? But they were not, technically, just for that. They also had a blue light filter. Helped with headaches and eyestrain. He just hated wearing them because he thought they made him look old.

A God Forbid ANYTHING remind him of the passage of time.

He did NOT take it kindly.

I managed to avoid THAT landmine by virtue of having witnessed his receiving them. An "incident" that resulted in his head slamming against a screen. Protocol demanded he get checked. In the process, they discovered his eye sight was declining. It was a... bad day. I brought him things to break and stayed very, very quiet.

He bounced back fairly quickly, though. Once the arrogant researcher who had arranged for the incident to even OCCUR? Tried to come lord his "weakened old man" status over him. It was one thing to "accidently" let the battle class get unfettered access to weapons before loyalty train. But to be dumb enough to step into his lab, call him weak, and gloat about it?

Dr. Raghnall Periculum was many things.

But "unwilling to bludgeon a man to death with the nearest object" was not one of them.

He was dangerous like that. Murderous. It came and went like shifting storms, all you could really do was learn to read the triggers. Get good at knowing when to back up. When to hold really, REALLY still. After all... this was a lawless, immoral place. No one here could or WOULD stop him.

They were all just as bad.

Gritty Sci-Fi Otome games are... a lot less fun to LIVE. To be honest? They are actually pretty horrifying. Traumatizing, really. Hellish. As in, I am pretty sure this is a futuristic version Of Hell (but that is a personal opinion). I regret EVER playing a single damn one. But... BUT? I CLING to the knowledge I gained from it. So I can not regret it completely. Because through them? Through KNOWING this world?

I KNOW this will end. KNOW we will be free. That these monsters will pay for what they've done. The epilog promises a golden age. A beautiful, peaceful dawn after this long and terrible night, filled with horrors. I just... I just have to survive. Hold on. Keep my head down and pray.

I may be trapped in hell, but I'm not broken.

We will be Free.

I have SEEN IT.

Sometimes the greatest defiance is just refusing to die. Just keeping hope alive. I... I can do that. May not be able to fight my way out. Not smart enough to hack or sabotage these nightmares. But I can stay alive. I... I can do that. Bear witness, that someday I may stand against them in trial. Record. So no one is forgotten.

It doesn't feel like enough. I feel tired and angry. Hateful and small. But for the sake of my sanity? I make myself feel nothing. Compartmentalize. I've... I've become unfortunately quite good at it. Good at a lot of terrible things. Like placating. Making myself small. Being invisible. A retail smile. Being one with the furniture.

See, just like the poor souls on the screens in front of him? I'm a Clone. Of who? I have no idea. None of us do. They use old DNA databases. From when it was first commercially available, I think. Like those ancestry tests. Here it was squirrelled away, kept for later use. Which... was us.

My template has been dead for centuries, I think. Or perhaps? She would have considered herself my mother? I hope she would have, strange as I turned out to be. We are all children of the dead. It'd be nice to think they'd have wanted us.

Dr. Periculum's cup lifts lightly as he take a drink, more focused on his work then anything else. That heft is about midway point. I've discovered if I begin brewing now, it will be done by the time his cup is empty and he wants more. A glance at the closest screen gives me the time. Food too, is a good idea.

He likely won't eat it. But if it's there? The chances are higher. And when he comes out of his focus, it'll be available. Less chance of him getting irritated by hunger.

On a well practiced route through piles of notes and projects I know better then to touch, I quietly make my way to the coffee machine. Begin another round of abomination the caffeine tar. It is, quite honestly, a wonder he hasn't accused me of trying to poison him to a heart attack.

A few granules of salt, a bit of cinnamon, some expensive fatty creamer, aaaand? There. Unholy bitterness gone. "Just" a cup of liquid tar so potent it could make a rhino taste time.

I also grab one of the meat pies and put it on a little paper plate.

Ah... what has my life become? That I am so well practiced in make snacks for a monster? Picking them up, I don't dare answer that. That way lies madness. Don't think about it. It can wash out in therapy. After. Because there WILL be an After. There HAS to be an After.

Careful steps and...? Just as I estimated. He just ran out. I nearly silently tap the paper plate down to the edge of the table then slide it forward, with-in ease of reach, but not too close. Then I swap the cups. Go to step away. Only to freeze. As, out of the corner of my eye, I see one of his hands briefly leave his keyboard to make a nearly dismissive "one moment" gesture.

Stay put. Don't move. I'll address you when I'm done with my, more important, thoughts. I feel the flash of fear, of panic, but let it go. There is nothing I can do. I will be hurt or I won't be hurt. There is no use suffering twice, through speculation and fear, I remind myself. Force my mind empty and pleasant. Retail smile. Happy to serve.

He finishes. Leans back, dissatisfied with some project or other, and finally slips on his glasses. Gestures imperiously for the cup in my hands. I do not question of course, merely hand it to him. He takes it, passes it to his other hand, and sets it aside. Then, casually, leans slightly over and wraps a thickly muscled arm around my waist. Dragging me off my feet and into his lap.

"You know, girl? B-21873 really was, actually quite promising. I was starting to think I'd keep him. Decent speed, good stamina, excellent problem solving. His test scoring was exceeding all expectations. Really thought I might have gotten you a little friend to play with. A gaurd so I could send you out on some chores safely. But no, he just HAD to be a failure." He said, leaning forward to grab his cup.

I was crushed awkwardly close. Could feel every moment. Acutely aware of his woody and sea air cologne, the coffee on his breath as words were spoken far to close, the beating of a heartbeat I could feel against my arm. Hyper aware of him. Why was I in his lap? This felt dangerous. I should not be in his lap.

Between sips, he turned his head and pressed his lips to my temple, not kissing... somehow worse. Just... just breathing me in. Slow, deliberate, and deep. Like savoring a scent, a sensation. The subtle back and forth, as though rubbing his lips against my hair. Enjoying the feeling against sensitive skin. It could almost be a cuddle on any other man. It took everything I had not to shudder.

"Unlike you of course. You pet, could never disappoint me. If these rejects tried even half as hard as my perfect darling girl? The world'd be a better place." He paused his almost nuzzling. To simply rest his head against mine, pulling off his glasses so he could tuck his head closer. His breathe was hot against my ear. His voice gravel and distain as it spoke of others.

"It's disgusting. Like they don't even try. We spend countless resources breeding, feeding, and training them... for what? Failure? I'm starting to think those bastards are deliberately sending me bad specimens."

Every word he said was horrifying. I could not cry. Dare not. But my heart screamed for those poor souls. They were just kids. Trapped in hell. Tortured from birth. Disposed of when they no longer met some arbitrarily impossible anime standard. If I turned my head, even slightly, I KNEW, I would be faced with screens of untold suffering. Feeds of "testing". So called training. Autopsy reports and datapoints.

Lists of who... who had been deemed "not good enough".

Who were scheduled to become "recycled biomass".

But if I looked? I would weep for them. And that? That was dangerous right now. Right NOW? I had to be pleasant company. A child's doll to be dragged around. No thoughts, no differing opinions. Preferably no opinions at ALL. Just warm and huggable. Soft. A beloved pet who serves coffee and brings things when told. Endure. I just... I must simply ENDURE.

The night will end. Dawn will come. Believe in her.

J-Just empty your head... and Believe In Her.

An alert pops up. I can hear it on a screen somewhere behind me. Dr. Periculum turns his head to look, reaching for his snack. Freezes. Then, a sharp bark of laughter. It's violent, like the strike of a lightning bolt, jostling me. The ones that follow just as harsh. He's not a man that laughs often. And it's not a kind sound.

Filled with schadenfreude, his laughter is like the vicious barks of hunting hounds. The shots of a weapon. A short and harsh to the ears sound, over and over. Delight in the suffering of an enemy. The fall of a rival. It strikes through his body like seizures. Making him lean forward to read. Brace against the desk, tighten his grip around me, widen the brace of his legs.

Glancing up, his eyes are alight with manic glee. His grin is vicious.

He looks Feral.

"Well, well, WELL! What do we have HERE?! Is that Jack ANDERSON'S facility I see? Mr. 'Master of the genome' himself? Looks like SOMEONE got AHEAD of themselves! Ha!" Raghnall cackles spinning his chair so I can see the screen. Leaning back to grab his cup and toast with it. "Look what we have here, pet! Some fucking KARMA! I knew that little shit wasn't worth the paper his degree was printed on! See this? THIS is what happens when you can't control your own damn compound!"

"Rest in PIECES, you worthless little SHIT!"

I sat. Frozen. As Dr. Periculum laughed and laughed, his mood viciously pleased. Because... because I recognized that facility. Chapter Two. There was an animation that played. The... the BREAKOUT! Joy filled me. Like the first rays of dawn. That was HER. S-she was OUT! Free! She DID it! Oh god... oh god she was COMING! It had finally BEGUN!

I caught myself. Barely.

My eyes felt a bit wet so I disguised it with a fake yawn. I dare not show empathy. NEVER show empathy. Keep it guarded like diamonds in your chest. If he thought, for even a moment, that I empathized with anyone but him. CARED about anyone but him? They wouldn't last the hour.

And it would be the longest, cruelest, hour in existence, as they died.

You make that sort of mistake exactly ONCE.

"Ah~ todays a GOOD day. And you know what we should do?" He hummed, nearly a coo as he spun us almost lazily around on his chair. In whimsical circles like a bored child. "We should celebrate. Ding dong, the fuckers dead~ HA HA! Not to mention? It's been entirely too long, pet, since I've spoiled you rotten. We should get a cake, hmm? You want a cake? Lil treat? Sweet lil treat for my girl?"

"I could get you that new dress I've been looking at. Bet you'll look like a classy lil princess, won't that be nice? Can even make it match the trackers I'm finishing up! No more uncomfy collars when we go out! Just pretty lil bracelets, ain't that nice?"

I force myself to smile. Nod. Ignore the fear and anger, the humiliation and helplessness. It's not time yet. Bid your time. You will LOSE your chance for True Freedom if you give in to your anger. Your hurt. Patience, THEN strike. Remember! Chapter two! There are FIVE.

It is COMING.

He stopped spinning, planting his feet on the floor. His manic grin softening. No less unhinged, less full of teeth, but perhaps the closest a man like him could come to loving. His eyes obsessive as the roam my face. Cataloging everything.

"You know, pet? You really might be might greatest creation. Best thing I've ever made or done. Anyone wants you? They'd have to pry you from my cold, dead hands. I'd burn EVERYTHING down. Kill just about EVERYONE." His voice was the sort of whispered confession meant for churches, not the heart of this hell he had built. It felt unholy. Dangerous.

Exactly like him.

"Once I figure how to take humanity to it's next stage? Reverse aging? Heck, even stop it. I promise, pet. Gonna take you with me. You're coming along for the ride. Straight to the end. Heat death of the universe. Well become GODS, pet. Live forever and a day. Bet you can't wait, huh?"

"Don't worry. The futures going be BEAUTIFUL. Just you wait."

[shortpplfedup]

Only Friends Character Rankings Pre-Air

Jojo, Ninew, Ninepinta and Vivienne have now presented their stable of hoes to us, y'all have chosen your fighters, and I am gnawing on concrete in anticipation of August 12. Since I'm gonna be doing weekly character rankings, I wanted to set up a pre-air Clown Checkpoint so I can look back later and see how wrong I was. Until that YouTube premiere countdown hits zero, we know exactly nothing, but I'm ready to predict whose gay wrongs I will most support! Here we go!

1. Nick

I just want you to love only me!

Audience ranking: 6

Ever since Mark Pakin showed up in that pilot trailer scheming and sex-taping, Nick has been MY DUDE. I want him to be the most manclown character of all time. I want him to be DESPERATE AND PATHETIC for Boston's dick. ANSWER EVERY BOOTY CALL NICK, I BELIEVE IN YOU. HE WANTS YOU TO DO A THREESOME? NO PROBLEM, WHATEVER YOU WANT BABE. I want Nick to call his bestie (Sand?) crying because Boston came over at 3:02 a.m. and left at 4:37 a.m. and 15 minutes of that was him taking a post-coital shower. I want crying and begging and clinging and devious acts. Khun Pakin has the chops to make my dreams come alive, make it happen boo!

2. Mew

My type is pretty simple. I'm not a picky kind of guy.

Audience ranking: 4

Right up until time of posting I thought my #2 seed would be Boston, but something is telling me that when it comes to manipulation and making grown men cry, Mew will emerge the champion. Something in this butter-wouldn't-melt expression is telling me this man is the true demon from hell whereas Boston is merely a top-tier-yet-still-garden-variety slut. Him shit-kicking Boston into the pool and then jumping in himself to finish the job is the kinda deranged shit I respect immensely. Kill them all Mew. You deserve.

3. Boston

You should be glad to be my favourite.

Audience ranking: 5

I may have called this man a garden variety slut, but I love a good slut though! Especially one who will lend his toys to help out a friend. And then almost instantly regret it. And then cause chaos and problems for himself as a result. And then make it everybody else's chaos and problems. Basically, I expect Boston's job to be throwing hole around Bangkok and ruining lives, and I expect him to do it WELL, and I expect him to do it in the sluttiest rent boy outfits I've ever seen.

4. Ray

You think my life will be better with you? It's only fucking going down to hell.

Audience ranking: 3

Speaking of chaos and problems, OUR BI DISASTER IS HERE GUYS! Bisexual? Bipolar? Why not both? The trailer is letting us know from jump that Ray is A Mess With Money and happy to use that money to buy himself some company, but also not able to keep those lines from getting blurred. I’m expecting this character to make me fall in love with him but also want to strangle him, Teh Krittikorn Saetun-style, so expect this ranking to go up until he is somehow my fave.

5. Sand

Friends don't charge friends. Besides, you should save your money for a shrink.

Audience ranking: 2

First Kanaphan’s job at GMMTV is to rip our hearts out roughly twice a year, and he’s right on schedule. It seems like Sand never learned not to fall for poor little rich boys, so we will all have to suffer with him. Honestly his ranking is this low right now because I see these guitars and microphones and I want no part of them. There is a short list of GMMTV boys allowed to sing at me and as much as I love First he is not on it. Ditch the microphone and bring back the baseball bat bb, I’m ready to see you bust some heads, kneecaps, car windows, whatever in pursuit of your love.

6. Top

When I take aim, I never miss.

Audience ranking: 7

Ah yes, the hoe-turned-seeming-housewife who’s actually still hoeing. The village bike. The community top. Boston basically turns him out and he’s not only fine with it, he falls for the john. Delicious. I desire his ruin like I’ve desired nothing before in media.

7. Everybody we don’t know nothing about yet (Yo, Nam/Syrup, Nes, Lesbian!Nonnie, A Wild Papang, various and assorted surprise guests I’m pretty sure we’re getting)

Friends don't do this to each other.

Audience ranking: 1 (combined score)

We await the tea on all the side characters, but the casting is superb, and I’m ready to see how high in the rankings they can climb.

LET THE MESS COMMENCE!

[alexanderlightweight]

Wednesday prompt - Bit vague but if you're feeling it can I request something sweet but darkish? Maybe Magnus/Alec plotting while the other sleeps in their lap, or whatever else this combo inspires for you :)

here we go! I hope you enjoy this

this is in the walls of adoration, claws of desperation verse. i've actually been working on a few prompts that are all tied together in the same verse for today and am finishing up soon hopefully. where alec is older than izzy and jace by about 7 years, he and magnus have secretly been together for about a year. jace and izzy don't live in new york atm.

<3 lumine

-

Magnus sleeps deeply from the cradle of Alec’s lap and Alec keeps his touches light and gentle as he carefully runs his fingers through Magnus’ hair.

It’s rare that Magnus naps and Alec wants both of them to enjoy it. When Magnus sleeps like this, Alec knows a pure joy to be so trusted by the man he loves and adores above all else.

Which makes the missive Alec’s been given something that he can’t go through with.  While their relationship is a secret, that doesn’t mean it isn’t real. Alec may have been nervous about facing the clave, but he’ll face the clave a thousand times before he lets them take him away from Magnus.

Alec will retire before he lets himself be recalled to Idris. Even if he came out and announced his relationship, it wouldn’t do anything helpful. Not when Alec knows that the clave will only use the promise of Magnus and the threat, they can represent against him.

So, Alec plots instead.

If the clave wants an uproar, then Alec will give them an uproar.

They want him as they see him.

Cold, devoted to the law and an upstanding nephilim who doesn’t have a single mark against him on his record.

Nothing which will matter if they get even a hint of how Alec loves Magnus.

Which means that Alec can’t tell them for even longer now, not until he plays the part he has to.

Magnus shifts, distress in the crease of his brow and Alec soothes him with soft hums and the gentle pet of his fingers.

Alec will destroy the clave himself before he lets them tear him from Magnus.

If Valentine and his remnants are what the clave fear the most, then Alec will become what he must. Alec will become worse than the claves most vivid nightmare.

They cling to their laws and few nephilim bother learning how to manipulate them like Alec does. Alec was raised by his grandparents to respect the law to the letter, but also how to manipulate the words he serves.

They tried not to, but Alec loved his grandparents with the devotion of a child and sought to emulate them both the best he could.  Yet the closer to them he acted, the more distant and disappointed they grew towards him.

Alec as he is now, has few attachments to any nephilim who still lives.

His sentiment belongs to Magnus.

And though Alec does have some fond sympathy for the half-brother he knows lives in Idris and the younger sister and foster brother he sometimes meets with to train, that’s all it is, fondness.

Perhaps, if Alec hadn’t been left behind in Idris, with his Trueblood grandparents, he would be more attached the various children under the Lightwood name.  Alec, however, was seven when his parents returned in disgrace and his grandparents kept him far away from the Lightwood’s, and their name.

Even now, he’s known as a Trueblood and Alec will be true to the law and spill blood if the clave asks it of him.

The tricky thing about judgement, however, is that it often comes for those least expecting it.

The clave won’t be able to take Magnus from him when he’s the only thing between them and the monster they created and in time, the clave will learn to fear Alec and what he can do to them.

[neuroticboyfriend]

hi, I've never sent an ask on Tumblr so I'm super nervous sending this lol. but I've followed you for a while and it's always comforting reading your stuff about addicts and recovery and such. I've been on a long back and forth with myself of accepting that I'm an addict (alcohol and weed/THC,, using one or the other every day) but now that I've sort of accepted it, I don't have any want to get better and I know I've been dipping into self destructive tendencies with it when things get bad mental health wise. I feel like that could change in the (distant) future but where I'm at right now I really don't want to stop in any way and it's been really difficult to not beat myself up over it. I was just wondering if you had any words of advice or comfort. thank you so much for your time, & I hope you're doing well 🫶🏻🫶🏻

💗 I was in a similar spot right before getting sober. I knew I was in deep, and was going to A.A sometimes, but I didn't truly want to stop; I just didn't want to be alone, and I needed support to have the strength just to try to stay alive. It's not easy being at that point where you're realizing it's problem but you still don't want to make changes, or even know how. I'm in that place with nicotine, now that I'm sober from everything else.

One thing I've learned is that guilting myself does absolutely nothing for me. If I want to be able to stay sober and kick nicotine, tearing myself down is going to do the exact opposite. We may think that if we tell ourselves how bad x, y, z is in that punitive way, it'll motivate us. But it won't. It'll only embolden that self hatred that fuels us to keep using.

You are worthy just as you are. Worthy of support, love, goodness, and kindness. You don't have to be sober or clean to receive those things. Addiction is an illness - you're not a failure or anything for not wanting to stop. That's just where you are, and the good thing is you're recognizing you're an addict. Hold on to that. Try to listen a little more to that voice in your head that says I am not okay. This is hurting me.

You can't force yourself to want to stop, but you can cling to what awareness you have. You can try harm reduction - it can help you remember your life matters. You are entirely allowed to accept yourself, without judgement. This awareness that you have an illness is opening the door for a better life. You just have to stick around and let it grow, seeking support along the way. Just like you are now :)

So, I'm proud of you. I'm proud of you for reaching out, and all the work you do to make it through the day. Keep going friend; it gets better. I hope more kindness, from yourself or others, reaches you soon. You never have to do this alone.

[hyenahunt]

Saga: Epilogue - 2

Writer: Akira

Season: Winter

Characters: Jun, Jin

Proofreading: 310mc (JP) & hyenahunt (ENG)

Translation: kotofucius

Jun: Now, everything's different. I don’t have to crawl along in the mud anymore — before I knew it, I was standing in a radiant paradise.

[Read on my blog for the best viewing experience with Oi~ssu ♪]

Location: Reverse Live Stage

Jun: Y’know… Seeing that video made me realize that the world’s much more peaceful and kind than I thought, shining with more beauty than I’d forced myself to believe…

I was only making a fool of myself by looking so unhappy.

But see, if I didn't resent you, and didn't have all that hatred to drive me forward… I couldn’t move a single step!

My old man only ever lied, my old lady only ever cried — and me? I was a weak snot-nosed brat, without so much power as to even make my own parents smile!

And that hurt so much. Just living on was so exhausting…

But I couldn’t die ‘til I finally got to deck you! If I didn’t keep telling myself that, it felt like I’d choke to death.

Jun: Now, everything's different. I don’t have to crawl along in the mud anymore — before I knew it, I was standing in a radiant paradise.

In a world so kind and warm that it made me feel like a dumbass for so stubbornly clinging onto my hatred of someone else.

Jun: I can't quite kick my old habits just yet, so this scowl's etched into my face… But if here is where I am, then you don't even need to ask me to… because I can smile.

It's not just 'cause of the whole “an idol’s smile is their soul” thing, and that I’ve got no choice in the matter, no. Honestly, what I've been feeling these days is that lately, I just can't help but smile.

And I didn’t feel like I deserved that, but…

Jun: If it feels like I’ve been bestowed with too much, then I should just share it with those less fortunate… That's what Ohii-san taught me.

So that’s just what I’ll do. You don't even need to ask — I’ll become an idol who'll surpass you.

Jin: …So that's how it is, huh? You’re one tough guy, Sacchan. You're probably not gonna wind up like me.

Jun: Haha. Honestly… I’d be lying if I said that I’ve never thought of wanting to become like you.

But like I said, please knock it off with calling me Sacchan already.

And couldja stop talking to me once and for all~? While we’re mumbling like this, the audience’s fond gazes get worse by the minute.

Staring like they’re glad for me… What’s there to even be glad about? I’m 'boutta gag from this geezer’s old people stink~

Jin: Huh, I've got an old people stink!? That's shocking to hear! Or maybe not so much, considering my disastrous lifestyle, huh…?

Jun: Haha, I’m just kidding. Beats me what you’re usually like, but you’ve got the scent of a real idol right now. And y'know, just being able to get a whiff of that… makes nothing else matter, really.

I can’t keep looking back at you old fogeys, so I’m gonna move along with my own future, alright~?

I’ll sing with all my might for the audience, and give ‘em the time of their lives!

And even folks who’ve had awful experiences like me — even those who still live in the shadow of hatred and resentment for somebody else —

They’ll get to forget about all that, even if only for a moment~! …You got a problem with that?

Jin: Not in the slightest. Really, you’re a great idol — one who I'd even tote as an example to my own brats.

Lilith, huh… With how she was banished and tossed into hell, we all kinda assume that she must’ve hated everything in the world, but…

Who knows, she might've actually been having one hell of a fun time.

Considering how she’s got enough guts to oppose God, there's no way she'd lose heart so easily, huh?

Jun: Sorry? Are ya talking 'bout the Bible? If you ask me, I think Lilith’s just a name meant to give hope to those at the bottom of the barrel~

That’s my interpretation, at least, though I dunno whether it's actually right.

Jun: People like that live in constant persecution; screwed over by their lot in life, their pent-up frustrations just ended up pushing 'em to cause unforgivable blunders, like the one in SS —

But as a fellow non-Special Student, I’ll be someone who can show 'em dreams! I’ll tell 'em that good things can happen as long as they live! That even they can achieve success, just like I did!

All they need is to keep believing — then even if they have nothing but mud to eat, they can still continue living on…!

Jun: I am Lilith! Cast your dark looks away and stop cursing under your breath — everyone, just follow me!

When there's a will, there's a way! From here on out, you’ll find what awaits you is the verdant earthly paradise, created by Eve and Adam!

And I’ll be the one to guide you ‘til you reach it~ The name’s Sazanami Jun!

Please, remember me! And don’t go erasing or forgetting me just ‘cause it's a pain to commit me to memory, you got that~!?

Jun: Whether you're as lowly as a worm, or even if you're a monster consumed by their darkest emotions — each and every last one of us deserves to be happy!

I’ll prove it to you! In fact, I'm living proof of that…!

And if anyone's got a problem with that, then no matter who you are, even if you're God Himself — I’ll just kick your damn ass~! GODDAMN!

“♪~♪~♪”

[ ☆ ]

✦✦✦✦✦

← prev ✦ all ✦ next →

[apollos-olives]

The videos I've seen from Palestine are haunting. And the sheer ignorance of my country is soul crushing. I've been educating myself every day about the history of how this all began and the more I learn, the angrier I am. I haven't eaten in days because the rage and sickness I feel in the pit of my stomach won't let me. I physically can't swallow without choking. My hands are shaking and my eyes are sore. I feel like I'm going insane. I'm doing everything I can but it never feels like enough. It's on my mind 24/7. My family and friends are worried about me and tell me to stop looking into things but I don't know how to go on living normally in a world like this. I know it seems like I'm virtue signalling and asking for sympathy but I'm not. This is just the situation I'm in and I wanted to ask you, how do you go on living? What stops you from falling into a pit of insanity amid all of this?

i'm sorry you're suffering so badly. i hope you can achieve peace, a sense of clarity, and rest. may Allah end your suffering and bring you joy and eternial happiness in the akhirah, ameen.

to be completely honest with you i don't know how to keep living. i really don't. i've hardly eaten, i can't focus, i've been crying nonstop for weeks. waking up every morning to face another day in this world feels like torture, and nothing seems worthwhile anymore. and the only thing that is keeping me alive is the fact that if i kill myself, i'll go to hell. in a way i feel as though that is a mercy from God, but also a test. i believe that everything that is happening right now is a test from God, and the strongest people with the faith that things will be better in the end will achieve the most rewards in the afterlife. i don't know if you're religious, but i still hope you get rewarded immensely for your care.

i'm not a good muslim. i don't practice well enough, i don't learn as much as i should, and i'm not the most knowledgeable person when it comes to my religion. but it's the only thing keeping me going at this point. the promise that you simply being a good person is valuable enough to get you sent to eternal happiness is what helps me through the day. i feel as though i'm already in a pit of insanity, but the one thing keeping me grounded is knowing that one day i'll be free and i will see all of my people in jannah.

but i know religion isn't for everyone. and that's okay. i hope you can take comfort in seeing how the world is changing, because palestine will be free. things are turning, people are opening their eyes, and although many won't be able to live to see it, palestine will be free. we can feel it, we can see it, we can hear it. most of the world is on our side, and it's only a matter of time before palestine is freed and we can go home. and the fight won't stop there. we need to liberate everyone. we need to help all indiginous people everywhere. there is always going to be another struggle, and we MUST do our part to fight back against the oppressors. the world is never going to be perfect, but we must strive to make it that way as much as we can.

anon i'm sorry you're going through such a hardship right now. i hope you will find a moment of peace and eat or drink something soon. again, i don't know if you're religious but i find that clinging onto a sort of hope for the future, whether that be religion or anything else, is one of the many things that can help someone cope. i pray you find peace, and i pray that i'll see you in jannah, amongst millions of others who are standing up for palestine today.

i'm sorry if this was of no help. please find some time to take a sip of water, wash your face, and breathe. you'll be okay. the world will be okay, i promise.

[itfitsitshipsart]

Promises and Trust

Part 1, Part 2

Reiji Sakamaki X S/I

After spending time at the mansion, Evelyn meets the king of vampires himself at a party for her, and he deems her worthy of marrying his eldest, the whole reason she was sent as a prospective bride. In her time there, however, she had fallen in love with not the eldest, but the second son, Reiji.

-

"Reiji!" Evelyn exclaimed, running towards the lone vampire in the garden. She clutched the fabric of her skirt in gloved hands, and her heels clicked against the stone pathway. Reiji turned to her, removing his hand from his suit pocket as she approached. 

"I was wondering where you went," her breath was heavy as she let the blue fabric fall back over her feet and brush the ground. Her chest heaved with each inhale, from the combined efforts of her searching and the tight corset she wore. "After I spoke with your father, you disappeared."

"Would it not be wise to go find your betrothed instead?" His voice was cold. "This party is to celebrate the two of you after all."

"Reiji…" she sighed. Of course this would weigh on him, especially after Karlheinz announced publicly her hand being given to Shu. It was obvious how much Reiji respected his father and his choices, and even if he didn't, Karlheinz's wishes were law.

Evelyn shook her head, reaching out and hesitantly touching Reiji's hand. She smiled at him, despite his unchanging look.

"I want to be with you right now though. Not with Shu, or anyone else. After talking with Karlheinz, and being alone, the only one I felt like I wanted to be with… was you."

Reiji's eyes widened slightly, and he grasped her hand she touched him with.

"You truly wish to be with me?" He asked softly, his grip tightening.

"Yes."

"Even if you were able to escape? To leave all of us behind?" He took a stop closer, and cupped her chin. "You'd rather cling to what you'd consider a monster, and a murderer?"

"You aren't any of those things." She responded, her smile not fading. At that, Reiji laughed loudly. He leaned close, his laughter slowly changing to a dark chuckle as his breath was cold on her neck.

"But I am. And you know I could kill you in an instant. That doesn't make you terrified? It doesn't make you want to flee?" With those words he grazed his fangs against her, and felt her pulse quicken. "You're utterly powerless. A weak human woman. Food to my kind."

But to his surprise, she did not try to pull away. She leaned into his touch, her eyes closing.

"But I trust you, Reiji." She murmured, "and I want to be with you." She stayed still, waiting to feel his fangs pierced her.

But nothing happened.

Reiji sighed, pulling away.

"Ever since you came to this mansion, I've found you to be a strange human." He shook his head, watching as she slowly opened her eyes. "Docile and naive, if father had you placed into this house without any rulesat to how you were treated, you would have been slaughtered within a week. You're incessant humming, your foolish optimism. And yet…"

His words trailed off into silence, neither speaking for a few moments. The music that came from the ballroom was faint, mingling with the sounds of crickets. He sighed once more, and continued.

"And yet I find myself unsure about how I could feel this way. The mansion feels… more peaceful with you. The way you try to help, and you listen with such interest to what I say. I don't feel…"

"...so lonely." Evelyn murmured, finishing his sentence. She shared such a sentiment with him back when they first had tea together. The simple action made her feel, in the terrifying new place, not so lonely.

"I wish…" Reiji murmured, but shook his head. "No, I do not wish that. Evelyn," he held his hand out to her. "Would you care to join me for a walk? It would be a break from this party."

"Of course," she smiled, taking his hand. "Where shall we go?"

[multiwreckedmess]

Ateez 18+ Would You Rathers from @whatudowhennooneseesyou

I've seen others who have been tagging and posting but they also seem like great jumping off points and let's be honest i'm still pretty small and isolated on here (because i'm shyyyyyyyy) so errr...i just did it myself. If you want to tag folks go ahead but i'm choosing to not tag anyone and leave it open for those who want to participate!

Don't open if you don't wanna know my personal preferences. Also pls MINORS DNI. these are obviously all 18+ questions and while I cannot control what you read on the internet I would ask that you respect my boundaries and not interact thank you!

1. make out with yeosang or dry hump yunho?

— make out with yeosang. There are merits to both but yeo wins out for me simply on strength alone. He would cling on like nothing else and to feel someone that strong hold onto you while you wind each other up? Shiver.

2. give mingi a lap dance or have wooyoung do a sexy dance for you?

— give mingi a lap dance. I think you could genuinely be an awful dancer and he’d still hype you up. Watching how he reacts to his group members sexy dancing on him confirms this to me. He wouldn’t be able to help himself if you were bad, holding your hips firmly and guiding you. Plus his nervous smile gives me the giggles.

3. tease san under the table at dinner or jongho tease you under the table?

— tease san. I’m a brat at heart and just watching his frustration and need build up, unable to be addressed? I can feel the devil horns sprouting. His little pressed smile when you ask him why he’s acting so strange, eyes flaring a little. Oh you’d be in for IT the second you are alone.

4. give hickeys to yeosang or get hickeys from seonghwa?

— get hickies from seonghwa. His lips are to die for. His tongue is to die for. Claiming in that way all over your body? It makes my brain go a little numb honestly. He’d chuckle as you squeal and wiggle, leaving a constellation of red marks. I think he’d be into leaving letters/doodles and making you guess afterward, gently tracing the pattern with his finger for you.

5. praise hongjoong or receive body worship from yunho?

— praise hongjoong. i'm...listen i hate myself too much the body worship would be goofy i'm just not vibing. but hongjoong? gg ez i'm there i'm worshiping and praising. the amount i want to just recite praises like scriptures is unholy.

6. blindfold mingi or be blindfolded by san?

— be blindfolded by san. He’s one of the few guys i trust. I’m obsessed with how soft he would be once you are blinded. The tiniest little fluttering kisses. His fingers ghosting over your shoulders all the way down to your hips. Now that San isn’t being watched it could allow him to drop any mask he may wear and appreciate the small moments more without having to perform. Plus i just think he’d moan so pretty when he doesn’t feel the need to act a certain way.

7. sexting with wooyoung or send dirty snaps to seonghwa?

— sexting with wooyoung. Unabashedly i think of this man as bestie who sometimes i’d like to rail and for the sheer chaos our sexts would be i want that. Plus i really REALLY cannot take dirty pictures i’m so fucking shy.

8. choke yeosang or be choked by jongho?

— be choked by jongho. Why do i feel like yeosang’s neck would rebuke being choked and fight back? Anyway lol. Jongho could end my whole life and i’d say thank you.

9. pull hongjoong’s hair or yunho pull your hair?

— both (hongjoong). Emphasis on the split dye ponytail hongjoong getting his hair pulled. Being in the studio straddling him as he tries to focus on ableton making miniscule timing adjustments and just giving it a tug down so he has no choice but to look up at you. But also damn, yunho’s large hands just palming the back of my skull giving it a sharp tug oh my LORD. (if I must must choose…fuck it i have no morals i’m a slut for hongjoong)

10. tie up wooyoung or jongho tie you up?

— jongho tie me up. I am not a dom. As pretty as woo would look…i can’t. Plus jongho would be very deliberate and intense about it and he’d make sure you looked really, really pretty.

11. beg for seonghwa or mingi beg for you?

— both (beg/seonghwa). Ohhhh the switch in me in SCREAMING. Seonghwa would make you beg until your lip was quivering all the while cooing and saying how cute you look. How pretty you are when you beg. How proud you make him when you are a polite little slut. Mingi begging? Have you seen his pout? He’s really a large wolf puppy. (If i absolutely must choose though…sorry i’m a sub and I gotta go for beg for seonghwa)

12. ride jongho’s thigh or sit on san’s face?

— ride jongho’s thigh. Have you seen them? HAVE YOU SEEN HIS THIGHS. They’re so muscular. That’s on PT post knee injury. I have no doubt when he flexes it 

13. dirty talk with seonghwa or mingi?

— dirty talk with seonghwa. The man is into asmr, enough said. Like i think they’d be equally interesting dirty talkers but its the way seonghwa would do it. Inches from your ear, breath tickling your neck as it splays downwards. He’d let each word just drip so sinfully, using the bassiest register of his voice. There’d be a leisurely way to it that I think mingi might not have which draws me to him. 

14. spank wooyoung or hongjoong?

— spank wooyoung. I just think he’d have more fun honestly. He’s such a little shit and also asks his members to spank him so like. Let’s go baby girl. I’d want hongjoong to spank me more than me spank him. 

15. get spanked by jongho or yunho?

— yunho. I love my bear boys but i fear jongho might send me into next week. Yunho wouldn’t take it too seriously and it would almost be more playful and fun than a punishment which is an energy i really like in the bedroom.

16. deny san his orgasm or seonghwa deny you yours?

— seonghwa deny mine. I need affirmation too much to deny anyone anything. And seonghwa would praise you the entire time, again. “Just hold on a bit more” “that’s it, you’re doing so well my love” “oh shhh, shhh, it’s okay, almost there” “you’ve been so good so patient for me let me reward you”

17. have yeosang as a master or hongjoong as a pet?

— yeosang as a master. Having experienced prolonged intense eye contact with yeosang…. I’m sorry what was i saying? Also hongjoong would be better as a master…i should not be put in charge of any human. Anyway yeosang seems like he’d be so kind and would take a lot of interest in “training” you. 

18. touch yourself and make yunho watch or mingi touch himself and make you watch?

— mingi. Did we not all experience this at the concert like…ANYWAY. I live for torturing myself. He’s so beautiful on stage it would be an honor and a privilege to watch him, head back and mouth agape with his chest rising and falling more and more rapidly. Oh my GOD it makes me sick i wanna see it so BADLY.

19. call hongjoong ‘daddy’ or seonghwa call you ‘mommy’?

— call hongjoong daddy. I would do damn near anything for this man including that nickname. Especially if he’ll be mean to me. It definitely seems like he wouldn’t ask you to call him daddy but it might slip out and once you’ve said it he won’t let you stop. It’s a small way of reassuring him that you are just as possessive about him as he is of you. In turn calling you his baby very pointedly (combined with your preferred gendered terms obvs) but always letting you know you are his. 

20. receive aftercare from san or give aftercare to wooyoung?

— both (receive/san). Aftercare should happen for all parties after a scene in a way that they’ve agreed upon. Wooyoung would be so cuddly, just wrapping limbs over limbs over limbs and pressing his nose into your skin as you stroke his spine. San would love to get the opportunity to be the big ball of sentimental mush we all know he can be. Neither one would let you move an inch for different reasons. Wooyoung because he doesn’t want to be alone and San because he wants to take care of you. (If i have to choose one, it’s San because i am a princess)

21. skype sex with hongjoong or phone sex with yeosang?

— skype sex with hongjoong. I’ll be honest i think yeosang would space out during phone sex. He’d be so lost in the moment all you’d hear are his (admittedly beautiful) moans. Hongjoong is a menace. Hongjoong is a tease. Hongjoong would have you begging and pleading until the fucking camera is shaking. He might be a busy man but he always has time to put you in your place. Plus you KNOW he’d coach you through some actually beautiful camera angles so the shot would be lined up just perfectly to show you off to him.

22. one night stand with mingi or friends with benefits with wooyoung?

— one night stand with mingi. Let me be clear here and now. I would not want to date or even risk the rumors of dating any of these men. I’ve dated the most popular person in school before. I’ve lived through that sort of widespread hate. Never the fuck again. However i think of the idols wooyoung would be the MOST fun as a FWB. he just seems kinda down to have fun and i respect that immensely.

23. studio sex with hongjoong or practice room sex with yunho?

— studio sex with hongjoong. Oh my god tho both especially if they are frustrated. However hongjoong gets the lead here because there are too many mirrors and its too not private in the practice room. Also the lighting in a practice room is so harsh holy shit. Fucking joong in his studio, with the lights low, an instrumental he’s fine tuning stuck on a loop softly playing through his headphones. Especially if its sound dampening so you can let loose a little? He’d be a little on edge and demanding. “I’m too tired, fuck yourself on me” “gosh do i have to do everything?” “fuck some day i’m going to put these moans in the song, just for us.” “oh now we’re going to REALLY test the soundproofing”

24. receive nudes from seonghwa or a sexy video from san?

— both please i’ve been very good this year (nudes/seonghwa). San depends on how he takes the “sexy video” assignment. If he tries to sexy dance…well we know he CAN do it but he never takes himself seriously with it off stage and usually ends up laughing cutely. BUT San…audio…with those early morning groans he does oh my lord. Like in the forbidden woosan vlive. Seonghwa however is a selfie king. You know those nudes are going to be black and white in perfect lighting and tbh probably tasteful. Like justtttt hiding the goods. And i really appreciate an artist you know.

25. cowgirl position with jongho or doggystyle position with yeosang?

— cowgirl with jongho. I’d want to see yeosang too much for doggystyle with him. Jongho is strong enough that even under you he’d control everything, just granting you the illusion that you hold power before he grabs your hips and shows you who really runs things in the bedroom.

26. hot tub sex with mingi or shower sex with yunho?

— neither (shower/yunho). Spoilers, water is a poor lubricant. I’ve tried both and liked neither. Hot tub sex is better for cockwarming which i’d love to do with mingi but also you just…overheat really fast. shower sex is easier for clean up but slippery as hell. Maybe a shower blowjob/titjob would work best with yunho. If i have to choose it’s shower sex.

27. give oral to yeosang or receive oral from san?

— oral to yeosang. It’s what he deserves. He’s good at reacting and there is nothing more that i like than praise even if it isn’t full words. And you KNOW he’d make the most dreamy breathy sounds.

28. seonghwa cum in your mouth or wooyoung cum on your face?

— seonghwa cum in my mouth. Listen he can honestly do whatever he wants with me okay.

29. car sex with san or sex under the stars with yeosang?

— neither(car/san).  These both are logistic nightmares to me. Both are too public, one is too cramped the other like…have ya’ll slept on the ground before? It’s not comfortable. In either case you’ll end up with weird bruises! I think car sex though despite being cramped you could figure out a way around it best? Or i could. Pulled over on some dirt road. San has your ass half way out of the backseat while he pounds into you, gripping the frame of the car for leverage. The entire car rocking and squeaking with each punishing thrust, kicking up a fine sheen of dust.

30. take mingi’s virginity or yunho take yours?

— yunho take yours. Sooooooooooooo i’m not…one of thoooooseeeee and honestly i find the whole focus on virginity a little strange but. Yunho size training. I’m a monstercock!yungi believer and while mingi seems clumsy about it yunho fucking knows. Yunho knows he’s big and he likes it. Yunho who coaches his partner so sweetly through stretching out for him all the while knowing nothing will compare to the real thing. He’d sink into you so slowly, caressing your face and making sure you're in as little pain as possible all the while laying praise on you for taking him so well.

31. library sex with wooyoung or movie theatre handjob with yeosang?

— library sex with wooyoung. I know i’m not good at handjobs. Plus both wooyoung and i are loud as fuck so it would be fun to have to remind eachother every two seconds to keep quiet. Again its less about sexy sex and it would be cute funny sex. 

32. lazy morning sex with yunho or late night sex with jongho?

— lazy morning sex with yunho. I can already see it. Big sleepy bear nuzzling against your neck, morning wood grinding into the cleft of your ass. Still a little sore from the night before but still slick with the remnants of his release he’d ease into you with a quiet groan and rock the two of you together. Cumming into you again with his forehead pressed between your shoulder blades. 

33. wear a collar for seonghwa or san wear a collar for you?

— wear a collar for seonghwa. Gg ez the man owns me already why not make it official

34. rough sex with hongjoong or romantic sex with jongho?

— rough sex with hongjoong. PLEASE GOD ARE YOU LISTENING ITS ME ANNY AND IF THERE IS ONE THING IMMA DO IT’S BE A SLUT FOR HONGJOONG. Truly use me as a toy you want to break sir. I’m simply a broken tv in a wrecking room for you to put a sledgehammer through at the end of a long difficult day. Whatever complex he needs to work out, i will be there.

35. receive anal from seonghwa or give anal to mingi?

— neither(receive/seonghwa). Its not my first or second choice of hole or really even third. That said i have even less interest in giving. 

36. suck on yunho’s fingers or san suck on your fingers?

— suck on yunho’s fingers. He could give me a hand kink for real. He has such long lovely fingers. Plus again the training aspect, teaching you how to take his fingers before you take his cock.

37. wall sex with jongho or mirror sex with wooyoung?

— wall sex with jongho. In the name of halazia nail me to that plaster amen. He has powerful legs and an equally powerful demeanour. 

38. hongjoong finger you or give yeosang a handjob?

— hongjoong finger me. Again, i’m not a handjob enthusiast so by default goes to finger. 

39. overstimulate mingi or be overstimulated by wooyoung?

— both. Wooyoung would be so cocky. He’s number one unconcerned when tears start running down your face. You could fully curse him out and he’d love it. He’d turn any insult you hurled right back on you. “Didn’t you say you’d last longer than me” “i thought you said i was a useless brat? How about now? Still think i’m a useless brat?” 

40. woosan threesome or seongjoong threesome?

— woosan. This is a surprise maybe? Really a threesome with any of the pairings of ateez i’d absolutely be 2000% down. But i think in terms of sheer fun, woosan would be it. Woosan are just SO comfortable with each other and still competitive. You see it especially in their partnered dance moments no matter how dominant san might come off wooyoung matches the energy. Plus idk suddenly i’m very into the idea of how San would be with two subs. Or if Woo’s bratty energy would turn into a more dommy energy with San there.

[skadee17]

IV- Far from everything

Self-reflection, that really characterizes my life. The past year has been catastrophic; between medical school and the end of the world, I would have preferred to stay at the university. Working, helping people, that's what helped me cope after my father's death. I missed him so much that I immersed myself in studies. But what good did it do, after all?

Now, I'm killing more people than I'm saving, and sometimes, I even wonder if the medical student Bella still exists. That girl, that's not me anymore. She disappeared a long time ago, yet I keep clinging to her. At least she was human. Even though life was complicated, she kept hope and tried to get through it.

Human? Am I still one? Are all the problems we face simply the result of our actions, and if the people we were simply hid behind this survivor label? And what if? Damn it, Bella, you think too much. Stop thinking, stop, stop, stop, stop.

I've been anxious since I was little, and nothing has ever been able to stop this torment. Over time, I learned to live with it, and I spent the following years trying to tame it. But no one can, and it's really awful. I have to stop dwelling like a lunatic escaped from the asylum. Although, maybe I would have fit in there, who knows.

Alicia entered the cabin, pulling me out of my thoughts. I thanked her inwardly; she just saved me from an infernal psychosis. Then Nick entered, as if they had coordinated, or as if there was a meeting I wasn't aware of. I'd prefer they just get bored and seek my company, but I doubt it. Nick sat on a bunk, and Alicia took out her knife, spinning it around in all directions. If I thought I was the only one with a psychological issue, I now realize it's definitely a family thing.

It didn't take long for my mother to arrive, her forced cheerfulness visible on her face, as stiff as someone working in a morgue.

It was Nick who broke the ice:

"These people don't want us."

"Most don't care," replied my mother, "we'll convince the reluctant ones."

"You want to convince Troy?" I teased her.

"I'll eventually get there," she continued, "in the meantime, keep your distance from him."

"I'm not sure I can do that, and you, Bella, I don't like how he looks at you," growled my brother.

I knew my brother was protective of Alicia and me, but that remark bothered me. I'm not five years old anymore, and I know who I'm dealing with. I've encountered guys like Troy a lot in medical school, pretentious jerks convinced they're the best human beings on Earth. And on top of that, an ego bigger than the moon, unfortunately.

"Well, you'll have to make an effort. He can get angry for no reason; you've seen it, he can't control himself," said my mother. 

"Okay, but if we stay, we have to find a solution," he demanded. 

"What does that mean? Don't do anything stupid, Nick. He's already got you in his sights; don't give him another reason," I warned. 

"I'll find a solution," pleaded my mother. 

"Wait, explain it, Nick. What's your solution? Do you want my knife? Are you going to use it?" asked my sister. 

"All I'm saying is we should start over somewhere else. We could find a house, cultivate the land. We don't have to stay in this place, that's all." 

"You're a farmer now?" I mocked. 

"We're not going to leave," insisted my mother.

 "Why?" 

"We're not leaving!" she insisted. 

"Why are you so convinced that we have to stay here, Mom?" 

"Because it's our only hope, because we won't find anything better, because we pulled you out of that hole, and it cost Travis his life," my mother exclaimed.

My heart shattered into pieces. I never thought she could say something so horrible, and the worst part was that I didn't even know if she meant it or not. We had all changed; we had become ruthless beings, but family was all we had left. Sometimes, I felt like I was facing strangers, especially my mother. She had a knack for destroying everything she touched, which is why I had decided to go as far away from her as possible for my studies. But despite everything, we were still a family, for better or for worse. It was a pact, whether we liked it or not; we were together against the hell of this world.

Alicia left first, and I followed closely. That meeting had come to an end. But before passing through the door, I turned around to warn my mother:

"Never say something like that again, because we all know it's false. You want revenge? Fine, me too. But look your son in the face and question yourself. If you think it's his fault, then you're no better than those who actually killed him."

Without a word, I walked out the door, a lump in my throat and a pain in my chest. What had we become?

A few minutes later, Alicia and I were outside by a paddock with horses before Nick joined us.

"Are you going to ride?" I asked my sister. 

"Dad often took me to the equestrian center," she sighed, "no, I don't feel like it. I'm waiting for Gretchen to go to my first Bible study class. If we're staying, efforts need to be made. You're both invited," she clarified, looking at both of us.

"So, that's it? Is that what you both want? You want to stay?" 

"No," I replied, "but we don't have a choice. You know how it is outside, and I don't want to lose someone else I love. So maybe it's not so bad," I hinted.

"Sorry for what Mom said," my sister added. "She's not wrong," replied Nick. "It's not the time to have a conscience."

With these words, Alicia turned around and headed towards the group of young people. I knew she was no longer a little girl; she was strong and independent. But every time I heard her say things like that, I couldn't help but think that I hadn't managed to protect her from all of this, my little sister...

Nick and I remained together for a while before I decided to leave. I think the three of us needed some time alone. Things seemed so complicated; the more time passed, the more I felt far from everything. Far from myself, far from who I once was, far from who I could be.

While walking, a woman approached me to ask for help with the crops. Having nothing else to do, I agreed and followed her towards the fields. During the journey, we talked about us, our lives, and mainly about her children, whom she introduced to me right away.

Once we arrived in the fields below the ranch, I saw Jack talking to a man who was partially hidden by him. I didn't pay attention and went to get my gardening tools from a nearby shed.

Upon my return, I finally managed to distinguish the man Jack was talking to, and it was none other than Troy. With him around, I would feel completely confident. Is it wise to leave tools in the hands of that lunatic?

We exchanged a glance; he had an inquisitive look. What could Jack have told him to put him in that state?

The woman named Nella explained to me what I needed to do. I immediately started the task after her instructions and took no breaks except to hydrate. It was hot in that region, so I decided to take off my shirt and stay in a tank top.

But from being crouched down to unearth the vegetables, my knees were on fire. So, I decided to stand up and glanced at Troy, but he had disappeared. Good riddance, I despised that guy.

Suddenly, a man stood in front of me, quite tall and muscular, wearing military attire. Probably a militia guy. I asked him: "Can I help you?"

 "It's for you to tell me," he replied. 

"I don't understand? Where are you going with this?" The man looked me up and down, licking his lips as he did so. What a pig!

 "I'm a little hungry, you see, and you're like a little candy," he insisted.

Feeling uncomfortable, I moved away from him. "Go to hell, you pig!" I shouted.

Damn jerk, he wasn't even trying to be respectful. What did he think? That making more than inappropriate insinuations would drive me crazy and make me sleep with him?

I walked back up the ranch road when a hand grabbed my wrist and led me into the stables. Panicked, I tried to struggle before hearing:

"Calm down, it's me."I turned around and saw Troy, his hand gripping my wrist. 

"Damn it, Troy! Are you out of your mind? You scared the hell out of me!" I attacked. 

"Calm down, Bella, it's just me. Are you okay? You don't seem alright," he asked concerned.Was he worried about me? Definitely not, not a sociopath like him. 

"I'm fine, let go of me now!" 

"What's wrong? You seem annoyed," he irritatedly asked. 

"Not at all, everything's fine. What's it to you?"He stared at me for a few seconds, and I saw anger in his eyes. Then, in a dry tone, he replied: 

"Absolutely nothing."

I stayed there, in the stables, alone with myself, and of course, the few horses in their boxes, who also didn't understand this altercation. He seemed angry, worried, but why? Certainly not for me; he couldn't have seen the scene with that creep; he wasn't there. What just happened, exactly?

[gffa]

Su'cuy! I really appreciate how thorough and well thought-out your theories and opinions about Star Wars are, I know that you are pro-Jedi, so I'd love to hear your thoughts on this. I love the Jedi both individually and as a whole, but I've always thought that the Jedi Council's approach to certain issues throughout the Prequels seemed a bit... questionable. Here are some examples of what I mean:

1. The way they handled Anakin joining the Order seems harsh to me. I've always thought that if Anakin had been able to keep in contact with Shmi through the beginning of his padawanship, he could've slowly grown apart from her, (rather than being somewhat unceremoniously torn away from her) and that would have helped enormously with his 'attachment' issues. I get that the Jedi only operate within the Republic's jurisdiction, so they couldn't have gone to Tatooine and overthrown the Hutts and free all the slaves like Ani wanted them to, but if everything Qui-Gon did was legal, then there's no way they couldn't at the very least send a Jedi to check up on Shmi. So why didn't they?

2. Obi-Wan clearly knew beforehand about Anakin's feelings for Padme and his issues with following the Jedi Code, so why on earth did anyone think it was a good idea to send him alone with Padme to a resort??

3. (Oh look another one dealing with Anakin's Issues) Pretending for a moment that killing a Jedi really was the best way to handle the events of the Deception arc, why Obi-Wan? Just... why?? He's not trained for undercover missions, he's a councilmember and a High General so he has a lot of responsibilities, many of which can't just be handed off to other people, and his padawan is Anakin "I'm Mentally Unstable and Everyone Knows It" Skywalker. There's no way in all nine Corellian hells that Obi-Wan was the best candidate for the job.

I'll stop here, because otherwise this ask will probably just turn into a rant

I will re-iterate the fact that I love the Jedi Order, and if there's important information I'm missing here, or perspectives I haven't considered, than I would love to know what they are because I don't like how poorly these instances reflect on Jedi like Yoda and Mace and Plo. TYSM for taking the time to read this ridiculously long ask, and please know that if you reply it will blow my mind because I may or may not look up to you as a learned Star Wars scholar that I am lucky to share in a fandom with

Ret'urcye mhi,

Ashara

Hi! Thank you for the very kind comments and, oh, you flatter me far too much, I am but a single nerd on the internet who enjoys flailing about Star Wars, hardly a scholar or anything. 😂 But you are still very nice to say so and I hope that I can live up to the good faith you've extended! Ultimately, a lot of this stuff comes down to differences in interpretation, so when I talk confidently about my views, of course I do think I’m right (😂), but if you disagree, eh, that’s no bother to me, because you’ve been nothing but sweet about it and that’s fine.  (And I say this both as a way to set the tone, but also as a way to clarify that, just because I talk in firm statements, that doesn’t mean I think there’s no room for anyone else’s views or just simply to disagree with me and that’s valid.  As long as we treat each other kindly, we’re good!) With the Jedi Council’s treatment of Anakin, I think it’s important to establish what “attachment” is first, because it’s not “caring about others”, it’s specifically more in alignment with Buddhism (as Buddhism is the heaviest influence in the Jedi’s philosophy), it’s about not clinging and grasping onto someone so hard that your fear of losing them outweighs your ability to be reasonable.  It’s about not loving them for your sake, regardless of what’s best for them or what would make them happy, because you can’t live without them.  It’s about not burning down the galaxy because you’re afraid to live without them. In Star Wars Archives 1999-2005, George Lucas says:  “[Jedi Knights] do not grow attachments, because attachment is a path to the dark side. You can love people, but you can’t want to possess them. They’re not yours. Accept that they have a fate. Even those you love most are going to die. You can’t do anything about that. Protect them with your lightsaber, but if they die they were going to die, there’s nothing you can do. All you can do is accept that fact.” That’s what attachment is within Star Wars, it’s a path to the dark side, that’s just how the worldbuilding within the narrative works.  Whatever we think of that on a writing level, within the narrative itself, attachment actually is a thing to be overcome. And it’s the very heart of Anakin Skywalker’s story, that attachment led to his fall, so when I talk about how the Jedi are trying to nudge him away from that path, it’s an important motivation because it’s absolutely what led to Anakin’s fall and they were working to prevent the source of it.  Like, he doesn’t become Darth Vader because he was separated from his mom, he becomes Darth Vader because he can’t let go of things, that distinction is the center of his story.  And if GL had meant differently, that guy is not subtle, he would have said so.  Instead, he says: “He turns into Darth Vader because he gets attached to things. He can’t let go of his mother; he can’t let go of his girlfriend. He can’t let go of things. It makes you greedy. And when you are greedy, you are on the path to the Dark Side, because you fear you’re going to lose things, that you’re not going to have the power you need.” - George Lucas, Time Magazine, 2002 Which you are probably aware of and I don’t mean to come across as lecturing, but I chose to go over it again for a reason, in that it’s important to remember that the Jedi aren’t just saying, “No contact with your bio-family!  That’s attachment!”, but instead that the worldbuilding that comes with what “attachment” means in Star Wars is illustrating what the Jedi’s goal is--work towards being able to let go when it’s time.  Protect people, love them, but accept that you can’t stop death from happening. 1.  So, with that in mind, what evidence do we have that Anakin wasn’t allowed to contact Shmi?  Yes, Tatooine Ghost (which was written in 2003, before Revenge of the Sith even existed) said so, but it’s very tricky to rely on Legends material because GL has repeatedly expressed that the books weren’t part of his worldbuilding, that he wasn’t involved with them, that they should just go do whatever as long as it was an interesting story.  (And, like, it’s fair to also dismiss current Lucasfilm canon materials, because they’re not from the primary source, either.  Everyone draws their own sandbox lines!)  What, within the movies or TV, said Anakin wasn’t allowed to contact his mother? I’m not making any definitive statements either way, I think it might be reasonable to speculate that the Jedi felt Anakin was relying too heavily on his attachments (as GL has been very clear that this is a major issue for Anakin all his life), that he wasn’t working towards letting go in a healthy way, so they may have tried to put some distance there to make it easier for him, which I think was the point the Jedi were making in Dooku: Jedi Lost when Dooku did the same with his sister.  I think it may be reasonable to point to Heir of the Jedi  showed a Jedi Knight that was in contact with his family and there were no issues there.  I think it’s fair to point out that the Jedi weren’t exactly stopping anyone from keeping connections to their birth worlds (the various cultural clothing Jedi wore, the statues they prayed to, etc.), so I don’t see why they would forbid Anakin from keeping contact with her or, as Skywalker: A Family At War pointed out, he could still feel her in the galaxy, so he knew she was okay, and yet he was still leaning into that attachment to her.  I think it’s fair to point out that the Jedi were fine with letting people leave, spoke warmly of them afterwards, even would accept them back if they wanted (Obi-Wan & Anakin, s7 of TCW where Yoda asked if Ahsoka was coming back yet), which doesn’t seem to jive with the idea that they felt you had to only ever be in contact with Jedi.  None of that seems in line with the idea that they wanted to cut Jedi off and would punish anyone for contacting someone outside the Jedi Order, unless there was a very specific reason for it. Ultimately, we don’t have enough about that time period from the movies or TCW to say for sure what happened or didn’t happen, whether he had contact with her or not, or the reasons and specific context behind it. 2.  Obi-Wan totally did object to sending Anakin alone with Padme, though!  😂  He said Anakin wasn’t ready for it, that his emotions around Padme made him confused and he wasn’t going to be able to protect her, but Mace very kindly and warmly said, “Obi-Wan, you must have faith that he will choose the right path.” And Mace is absolutely right.  I mean, yes, Obi-Wan was probably right to be concerned, but the bigger point is:  Anakin was 19 years old, he was an adult, he’d been a Jedi for 10 years at this point.  You have to eventually trust people to make their own decisions, to walk the right path on their own, and Anakin had the training and wisdom (or should have) to make that choice for himself. Sending him on a mission to escort Padme, even knowing that it would be a temptation for him, was one they had to let Anakin decide for himself how to navigate it.  If he was tempted into breaking his vows at this point, then no amount of holding him back or hand-holding him was going to make a difference. 3.  The real answer is the most unsatisfying one:  Because Obi-Wan Kenobi is a major character and therefore he was the most fun to write on that arc and to give the show drama.  I fully believe that the primary driving force behind choosing Obi-Wan for it wasn’t based on in-universe worldbuilding, but “Who would provide the most interesting, fun story to tell?” and they wanted to use it as a way to show Anakin’s growing distrust with the Jedi Order. But if we’re going to look at it from the Watsonian perspective rather than the Doylist one, I assume it’s because Obi-Wan was really good at his job, like, that guy was really good at everything he needed to be doing on that job.  And the Jedi Council were apparently on the side of telling Anakin ahead of time, it was Obi-Wan who said not to tell him, and I think it fits very well with what Obi-Wan and the Jedi have been trying to teach Anakin--that sometimes shit happens and you have to be able to face it and make peace with it.  They have to have faith that he’s going to choose the right path. Like, a driving reason (via word of god commentary) that Yoda assigned Ahsoka to Anakin as a Padawan (other than that they were a good match) is because eventually he would have to let her go, he would have to let her be Knighted and no longer interacting with her in the same way.  The Jedi were trying to provide paths for Anakin to face his attachment issues, and while I don’t think the “Deception” instance was very nice (and I do think it was a mistake and Obi-Wan was wrong to not tell Anakin, but also not totally wrong because Anakin absolutely was shit at keeping secrets and the Chancellor’s life was on the line in this mission, as far as the Jedi knew), it was meant in the vein of, “Someday, you’re going to lose people, Anakin, you have to accept that that’s going to happen.” and it’s not that I think Obi-Wan planned it as a test, but that he chose to listen to Mace’s wisdom and have faith that Anakin would choose the right path. As I see it, in the big picture of “What happened to Anakin Skywalker?  Why did he become Darth Vader?” the answer GL gave was: “When you start to care about yourself and the things that you own and the things that you have and you’re greedy and you want things all the time and you don’t want to give them up because you’re afraid to give them up, you turn to the dark side.  And that’s what happened to Anakin.” --George Lucas Q&A: Field Museum, Chicago 5/8/2010 Anakin’s fall was about his attachment to people, that’s entirely what was happening in ROTS, where his turn towards Palpatine was a justification for wanting to hold onto Padme, where the big confrontation with Obi-Wan starts because Anakin didn’t care about what she wanted or her horror at what he was doing or her choice to back away from him, he literally choked her in anger and screamed at Obi-Wan:

“YOU WILL NOT TAKE HER FROM ME!” Anakin doesn’t want to protect her, he wants to keep her, wants her to not be taken from him, like she’s something to be possessed, not because she made her own choices or because anyone else was actually trying to do so, but because he himself and his fears already did that. And that’s exactly what GL has always said was Anakin’s problem. His attachment to her, his inability to accept that she might have a fate that he couldn’t control, drove him to this.  He absolutely should have tried to protect her, to love her, to fight to help her, that’s what the Jedi do--like, that’s the whole reason they became soldiers in the war, because they were fighting to help people! But you have to accept that sometimes things are beyond your control and all you can do is work to accept that, that’s how the Force and the worldbuilding and narrative of Star Wars works.  And that’s what the Jedi were trying to help Anakin with, to prevent his attachment tendencies from getting out of control--but, at a certain point, they had given him the training and they had to trust him to make the right choices, whether that was as a Jedi or on a different path. (And I’ve always liked the quote from the A New Hope anthology, “Master & Apprentice”, where Obi-Wan says:  “Anakin became a Jedi Knight.  He served valiantly in the Clone Wars.  His fall to darkness was more his choice than anyone else’s failure.  Yes, I bear some responsibility–and perhaps you do, too–but Anakin had the training and wisdom to choose a better path.  He did not.”)

[lipstickstainz]

true lies - s. r. (12/?)

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Reader

Series Summary: Spencer is furious, when you rejoin the team after a year and after you left him, when he got arrested. Little does he know, that you leaving him was the only option to ever get him out of prison.

Chapter Summary: A collection of letters Spencer and you share while you're gone - and then you're gone forever. At least, that what he thinks.

Warnings: some fluff, angst, angst, angst, smoking, slight ptsd, grief and loss

Word Count: 2.2k

A/N: I'm sososososo sorry. please don't hate me. I love you. gif not mine.

Series Masterlist

previous part

Dearest little bear,

two months have passed since you had to leave, and not a day goes by that I don't think of you and wish you were here with me.

We are trying to do everything in our power to be able to bring you back home. But unfortunately, it seems to be taking longer than I would like.

I was told you were working on it as well. You are strong and smart and even though you can't be with me, I'm sure we can do it together.

Take care of yourself.

With love,

Neruda

-

Dearest Neruda,

I was very happy to receive your message. I always carry it with me, although I would rather be in your arms, but I can't.

I can't tell you where I am right now, but still I wish you were with me. It is warm and beautiful and I am sure you would like it here very much.

Except for these letters, I'm not allowed to talk to any of you, but I like talking to you best anyway. We've come this far. And we'll make it.

Thinking of you.

With love,

little bear

-

Dearest little bear,

It's been four months and with each passing second it becomes more unbearable. But a light is appearing at the end of the dark tunnel. We think we know who she is.

It won't be long before we can see each other again. And I can't wait to be able to hug you again. To be able to touch you. Or kiss you.

Not much longer. And then nothing can separate us.

Take care of yourself.

With love,

Neruda

-

Dearest Neruda,

It would have been too good to be with you again at last. But it still takes time.

I have found something that can help us, but for now, just know that I will do everything I can so that I can return home. Back to you. No matter what it costs.

Keep your eyes open. We're closer than you think.

I'm thinking of you.

With love,

little bear

-

Dearest little bear,

I was given time off to take a break. I was with my mother and she told me that a kind young lady had been here. She doesn't remember you, but she knows you are familiar and that she can trust you. As I do.

I am infinitely grateful. And I'm tired of waiting, but for you I do. For you, I do it all.

Take care of yourself.

With love,

Neruda

-

Dearest Neruda,

I can no longer grasp a clear thought, because whenever I close my eyes I see everything I have done in review. I can hardly sleep and the nightmares plague me.

I just hope that everything will end soon. It has already been a year since we saw each other. I can't promise you anything, but I hope you know that everything I had to do was for you. For us.

Thinking of you.

With love,

little bear

-

Dearest little bear,

it's been a few weeks since I've heard from you. I hope you are doing well.

We have found a trail that will take us further.And brings me a little closer to you. And that will bring you back home. I can't wait.

Take care of yourself.

With love,

Neruda

-

Dearest little bear,

It's been two months since you wrote to me.

Get back to me as soon as you can.

Take care of yourself.

With love,

Neruda

-

Dearest little bear,

Words cannot describe how much I miss you. Or how great the pain in my chest is.

I can't eat, I can't sleep. I can hardly breathe without you.

Thinking of you.

With love,

Neruda

-

Dearest little bear,

they hung your picture today. In the portrait you are smiling, proud to finally be part of the team. I can't look at it.

I was sent home, but everything there reminds me of you.

Thinking of you.

With love,

Neruda

-

Dearest little bear,

I keep your letters in a small box next to my bed. They are a part of you that I don't want to lose, even though I have already lost you. They are a part of you, just as you are a part of me.

Thinking of you.

With love,

Neruda

-

Dearest little bear,

I went to our bookstore and found a book of poems that you would like. I'll put it with your letters.

No book in the world could have prepared me for the grief I feel. The pain is too engaging for me to talk about it with anyone but you.

Thinking of you.

With love,

Neruda

-

Dear little bear,

it's been almost two years since we last saw each other. I don't remember what you sound like, or what you smell like. Why can't I remember that? Is it wrong of me not to think it's bad? It takes away my pain a little.

Thinking of you.

With love,

Neruda

-

Dear little bear,

A lot has happened in the two years we've been apart. Too much to ever be able to write down all the things. I just want you to know that this time was not easy for me. Not for any of us.

I put your letters away safely because you will always be important to me. But I have to let you go. And with this, I release you.

I love you. Forever.

With love,

Neruda

-

You pinch your leg to wake up. Your neck is wet with cold sweat and you have to blink several times to realize that you are in a cab. You run your hand through your hair as the driver looks at you curiously through the rearview mirror. He says nothing, which is why you glance out the window.

The drive from the airport to Quantico only takes an hour, but you still take the opportunity to close your eyes for a moment and doze a little. You haven't had a decent night's sleep in ages, you don't even know what a healthy portion of sleep feels like anymore, because you haven't had that luxury in the last two years.

As the car comes to a stop in front of the FBI building, you pay the driver and get out with your small bag. The building seems much bigger than you remember. You used to spend every day here, it had once been your home. But now you're not even sure you have a home anymore.

You take a deep breath and enter through the large doors, but are directly approached by a security guard.

"Miss? Are you visiting?", he asks suspiciously, extending his arm to keep you at a distance - something that wouldn't do him much good if you were actually trying to get past him.He eyes you up and down, which you can't blame him for. In your ripped jeans, dirty sneakers, and loose sweater, you don't look like someone who belongs here. By now, you don't either.

You look at him. "I'm here to see Unit Chief Prentiss", you reply coolly. You know he's just doing his job, but you're too impatient to let all this wash over you. You know Emily is already in the office. You know her too well not to. Why doesn't he just go get her? You just want to see your friend.

"Chief Prentiss?" He raises an eyebrow. "And what is your request?"

Your gaze is rock hard and your tone cold as ice. "Tell her Y/N Y/L/N is here to see her."

You wait outside the building, letting the morning sun warm your skin and the cigarette burn between your fingers before you put it to your lips and take a drag. Afterwards, you stub it out on a trash can. As you exhale the last bit of smoke, you turn around. And there she is.

Emily is standing at the door, and when you see her, you drop your bag and wrap her in your arms so tightly that you can't breathe. You cling to her, afraid that maybe this whole thing isn't as real as it feels, but you imperceptibly pinch your arm. And she is still with you.

"I thought - they said", she stammers, and it's the first time in your friendship that she's speechless. You hug her even tighter.

"I know", you answer softly, blinking away the tears that have formed in your eyes. The moment is too beautiful to cry. As you break away from each other, Emily wipes her own tears from her cheeks, but some have already landed on her blouse. There are dark stains now.

"I don't even know what to say", she says, smiling at you as you enter the building together. The guard gives you a look, but doesn't ask any questions as you walk past him toward the elevator. Inside, she pushes a button that takes you to the BAU floor. "I can hardly believe you're really here."

Neither can you.

The office is completely silent because no one is here yet except for you. Although nothing has changed, everything has changed because you are now someone else. It's been a long time since you've been here. Two years, but everything in this room is all too familiar to you. The coffee machine, the law books, the files. It feels like you've never been away. It's déjà vu all over again.

While Emily gets you both coffee, you sit down at the round table and wait for her. Your friend sets the cups down on the table before sitting down next to you. She smiles faintly. "How are you?"

You pucker your mouth. How are you? You haven't been asked that question in ages, and to be honest, you don't know how to answer it either. How could you possibly be?

When you don't answer Emily, she phrases her question differently. "What are you feeling right now?"

Your lips become a thin line. "I don't know. It feels like all of this," you point to the room, "isn't a part of me anymore. Nothing has changed, but it still feels foreign."

Emily nods. "You've been through a lot, I guess." She takes a sip of her coffee. "You're right, Y/N. Nothing has really changed here. But you're a different one now, aren't you?"

You open your mouth to answer her, but you don't know what either. Part of you feels at home here, but a bigger part of you knows your place is somewhere else. You just don't know where exactly.

"Do you want to see the others?", Emily asks. "I'm asking you because it's been a long time since you've seen them. And they think you're...you know. Are you ready for that?"

Are you ready for that? You haven't seen either of them in a long time, and it would probably be better not to see them for now, but to let Emily sort it out first. But the team is your family - the closest thing you have to a family. And you've missed them all terribly.

You nod and take a sip of your coffee as JJ and Rossi enter the room. When they see you, they glance uncertainly at Emily, as if they're not sure if it's just imagination, but she nods at them. And that's when all the dams break for JJ.

She pulls you from your chair and hugs you like the salvation of the world depends on it, and David has to pry her cramped arms from you so he can put his around you as well. They affirm to you how much they missed you and ask how you are, wanting to know what happened, but Tara and Penelope join them and that's when it gets too loud for you.

Penelope cries with joy and Tara also can't believe that you are standing in front of her. They besiege you and ask you questions to which you have no answers, so you just smile weakly at them. They definitely don't mean any harm, after all, you've just risen from the dead for them, but you've spent the last while in silence and are no longer used to this volume. So you turn away from them. They look anxiously after you as you sort of flee from them. You hope that this will make the headache go away.

Without paying much attention to where you're going, you find yourself facing the wall where the pictures of the deceased agents hang. And yours is hanging there, too. You don't know how long you've been standing in front of it - minutes? hours? -until a familiar voice snaps you out of your thoughts.

"Y/N?"

You turn around and there stands Spencer. His hair is a little shorter and he looks like he's seen a ghost. Well, he sort of has.

You want to throw yourself into his arms, kiss him, and never let him go. Seeing him knocks the air out of your lungs, which is why you can barely breathe. The two years without him had been hell on earth, but you got through them. For him.

For Spencer, who doesn't take his eyes off you as the blonde woman next to him, whose fingers are intertwined with his, looks at him and asks, "Honey, who's that?"

- tags -

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[hamliet]

Hello hamliet! I wanted to know what you think about Sonya Marmeladova or her relationship with Raskolnikov. She's one of my favourite characters in the book and it seems like people love to ignore her entire existence although she was present (subtly) since the beginning of the book to make Raz/Ras seem way more... complex and important to Raskolnikov than all of his relationship with Sonya. I'm not against Ras/Raz but both of them were very important to Raskolnikov and it's frustrating to see people reduce her just to some random christian girl that is just there to fix Raskolnikov, although while being mentioned even before Razumihin and and being intertwined with his story through her family and.. everything else very tightly

I LOVE Sonia!!

Wait... is this a shipping thing? Or an analysis thing? I've never heard this and am kind of scared lol. (But Sonia and Raskolnikov are one of the best literary couples ever.)

But anyways. Sonia is very important to the book, and I have written this about her role and her foiling with Dunya. I'd actually argue that while Dunya and Razumikhin are extremely important to the novel and to Raskolnikov, the two characters who represent Raskolnikov's future paths are Sonia (suffering but redemption through others) and Svidrigailov (wallowing in your own suffering). Sonia's path is life; Svidrigailov's is suicide. I know other critics have written on this as well...

Dunya and Razumikhin represent family and reason, both of which Raskolnikov has kind of alienated himself from when he murders Alyona and Lizaveta. Of course, it's not so easy to alienate himself from family/reason as you might think--but the reason for that is the same as the reason Raskolnikov and Sonia connect in the first place: empathy.

Raskolnikov is probably the first person who actually acknowledges Sonia's predicament and her as a human being, not as a holy Madonna/whore mix saving them (Katerina) or as a person to be pitied but not helped (Marmeladov, who struggles with his own demons). He invites her to sit with his mother and sister, showing that he doesn't see her as dirty for her job (an invitation such as that was very taboo back then). He bows down to her as representative of all the suffering in humanity, sure, but in doing so he's acknowledging that what she's been forced into is not right, that her supposed "sin" is far less than the world that forced her to have no other option. He acknowledges her suffering, her experiences, not just the results or reasons.

Raskolnikov also challenges her, by telling her that she's betrayed herself for nothing--which is both cruel and in some ways, true, but truer for himself than for Sonia. Because at least Sonia was motivated by empathy, by love for others, which the novel does hold up as important; at the novel's core is this paradox: society may corrupt, but without connection human beings go mad.

Yet, Sonia is not just there to redeem Raskolnikov--one can get that impression with a surface-level reading, but not if one digs into the layers of the story. She never harms herself to save him--the work of redemption is all on Raskolnikov. Sonia holds out a hand, but he has to decide whether or not to take it. Furthermore, it is more mutual than that: Sonia too is able to leave prostitution in the end, and to take charge of her own life instead of living for others alone.

Reason alone wasn't enough to dismantle Raskolnikov's twisted theories, nor was the love of his family. But combined, as seen in the union of Dunya and Razumikhin, and with the courage to face suffering that Sonia embodies, Raskolnikov is able to cling to that lifeline and pull himself to becoming a better man. Especially when confronted with the reality that she loves him despite what he did to Lizaveta, that she truly--unlike Razumikhin and Dunya--knows the effects of his crime (because Lizaveta was her good friend), and still forgives and follows him to Siberia--it's that Christlike love that fills Raskolnikov with hope.

[tojikai]

Ok, I feel calmer now.... *sigh*

First of all I have to say that I've had to tell my husband the whole series so far so he could tell me his thoughts and help me calm down.... It's been a wild ride I have to say. 🥴

As @my-arietta has done an amazing job analyzing the whole chapter I will focus only on the parts that provoked emotions in me... unbearable emotions....

Rie saying:

“We’ll be fine together, 'Toru. We’re happy together before this, right? We just have to bring it back to the way it was. We just have to forget, babe. No one’s stopping us.”

I was like... Damn, girl, this shit is all about Satoru and Y/N and how they're gonna handle healing from a 5 year relationship breakup and somehow u manage to do everything around you... the audacity.... my sorority can't stand Rie anymore...

In a matter of seconds, they were out of the office of his restaurant. He could hear his girlfriend calling out to him, but he couldn’t bring himself to stop.

Wow, Satoru really went berserk there, it was so satisfying to read that part

“I am doing this,” Satoru spoke through clenched teeth as he emphasized his every word.

That was also soooo satisfying

“It’s none of your fucking business-” Satoru could tell that Suguru’s clenched fist was about to rise,

My heart flipped when I read this, I even read it in Tom Hardy's voice and accent, I don't know why. I loved it, I didn't see the last part coming at this point, so nahive.

You cling onto his best friend’s arm as you look up at him with your pleading gaze and surprisingly dry eyes. You’re really getting better now, and he thinks you look more beautiful than ever.

“Suguru, it’s not worth the trouble.” You shook your head to Suguru before looking back at Satoru with nothing but indifference in your eyes.

I felt like... if we readers were in a movie theater, that part was like watching Andrew Garfield's appearance in No way home, I even stood up from my chair and screamed.

And finally, the climax of the chapter...

I can't quote anything, not only because there isn't a single line that doesn't provoke me emotions, but because it's too hurtful, too angsty that I had to spend all these hours reflecting on it. This is definitely the epitome of angsty fics and you are the queen of the genre, no point to discuss.

But man... the pendant part, all the thoughts of y/n and Satoru carve me so deeply that I teared up a lot (which made my husband worry about me).

Who could say that a single piece of jewelry can make such... a mess... ahg I really can't describe how the two parts of the story about the pendant made me feel at the time and how it makes me feel even now.... *sigh*.

I can understand why some readers don't like the idea of Satoru cheating on Rie with y/n, I didn't love that part for many reasons, but I think a lot of the readers' reasons are about how "y/n isn't" vengeful and would never do that (like we know the character better than the author, heh) I didn't spectate it either, but I think Rie's relationship, and revenge was the last thing on y/n's mind at the time.

I personally don't like it because I feel like if I did the same thing I wouldn't be able to keep it as a "last time stand" and after everything y/n has been through and how broken Satoru left her, no matter how much he said how much he loves me or how he would never stop loving me, I would feel like he's not really for me and wasn't to begin with, and, Even if he said he would never do that again, I would constantly think about when will be the next time he finds his true other half and leave me again (not because he's a cheater (which he is) but because he's already shown me that I'm not enough and he's only with me because he's afraid of losing me by seeing me with someone else). And I personally don't think that's a decent basis for any relationship, so no matter how much a redemption arch grows Gojo, their relationship isn't meant to last

That's why I was so into SuguruxY/n, not just because I'm biased, which I am, but because starting something with him will represent something new to try, that has never been broken nor lessen, a brand new beginning, healthier I would say.

As someone who has been forgiven for the same thing (and I remember one anon who said they forgave their partner) I know I may sound harsh on Satoru, but the circumstances of his with both girls are very severe and not to be taken lightly.

Aaaand the final part. I'm not angry with Rie anymore, I'm afraid of her, I'm afraid for my life. 🙂

This is the longest ask I've ever posted, but the longer the story, the deeper the emotions and feeling it provokes in me and I had to explode. >.<

Also, I don't understand why some readers take on Gojo so personally, I learned to separate it from canon!Gojo and headcanon!Gojo since chapter 2, people need tochill out and enjoy/cry the ride.😎

I know i'm very late, i just hope i made it in time before chapter VII is released :((

awwwwww Kai we love you so much, have a good day/night too! and please take care of yourself, drink lots of water, and get plenty of rest

Lots of hugs and kisses😚😚😚💚💚

yesss rie's line, she was so scared that satoru would break up with her that time, she was literally panicking inside bc satoru showed hesitance when she asked him if they were fine. when she saw how satoru reacted at the mention of yn's name, she was terrified !! i fangirled about suguru while writing that 'almost brawl' moment LMAO whatever he do, he's just so hot😩 and yeah, i agree on the severity of satoru's damage on both rie and yn, it really brought chaos even to the people around them :(( and now the situation turned around and it's like they're back to square 1 again 😭but omg i understand the need to explode, i feel like this chapter is the most frustrating one yet 😭 anywayss thank you so so much for thatttt💕 i really appreciate it, i love u guys too !! a lot !! and please take care of as well and i hope you're having a wonderful week <33 here's my hugs and kisses too🤗😘