#and also for the hiatus. im gonna watch the life series next lol

[matutito]

redraw of this thing i did two years ago

commissions info

[sothischickshe]

not last line tag

i was tagged by some ppl to do the last line tag recently @sdktrs12 @inyoursheets @pynkhues @missmaxime probs someone else idk this thing is unusable.

anyway, that was obvi v foolish and mean of them, so instead im going to have a what-write-next-breakdown which i think is def a better meme

so like ok on the one hand: i would quite like to write the incentive fic next cos ive been wanting to write it for ages & im very excited abt it.

BUT it’s presumably set in s3 & i’d need to go rewatch a bunch of s3 n im not sure i def wanna do that in the midst of s4 airing so maybe i’d rather wait till that’s done?? ALTHOUGH...how long is this hiatus when is the show back do we know?!

SO i thought maybe i actually wanna write the rio pov sequel to dirty dirty game next rather cos that doesn’t really require me to rewatch anything!

BUT it’s gonna be rio pov (duh) & probs longish & probs a bit angsty, and i just wrote something that was rio pov & longishish & angsty, SO like...if i do this next, am I gonna wanna write a long angsty rio pov incentive fic?! or will i just be putting that off forever??! *i* at least believe in flippage yknow?

SO! i thought maybe actually what i want to write next is the (hero) dean pov crackfic?! cos that’s gonna be short so fucking help me & only really involves rewatching a bit of the s1 finale/s2 opening probs. BUT that’s 3 crackfics in a row n i might need some variety in my life haha PLUS if it IS short (which it god damn will be grr), then im back to the same problem shortly?! ALTHOUGH i have no real idea what dean’s voice is like so maybe i can just write something like 600 words long n then fiddle with it for the rest of time hmmm

AND i do have a title idea i like for the dean pov fic, AND one i like ok for the dirty game follow up (& i guess an acceptable series title), whereas i dont have a great title idea for the incentive fic?! ugh. (maybe i should chop it into chapters or a series? hmm.)

IN CONCLUSION... yea does anyone know when this hiatus is over?! (i guess the beauty of a s3 setting is that i can ignore s4 canon if i wish hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm hmmmmm.)

i guess the OTHER thing is: some of the stuff from the 5 times rio asked beth to hit him again + 1 time he didnt fic was snipped from the incentive fic, n canon is making writing abt masochist rio less fun (though probs more accurate lol) n im not sure if i maybe wanna re-absorb them back into the incentive fic w/ less slapping n give up on the idea...? (BUT also jfc it’d probs end up so long i’d weep oof)

ALSO i think i know roughly how all 3 of them start but also.... i need the one documentary for rio to watch n then think he’s an expert for the 2 rio pov ones sooooooooooooo maybe i should go watch a bunch of docs n not write? yea sounds like a decent shout actually, thanks guys!

anyway, i tag all these ppl back to have a breakdown back bc i maintain it’s a much better meme plus @septiembrre @bourbon-ontherocks @riosnecktattoo n @mego42 who im pretty sure tagged me for a line at some point but wot is time, n also if you can read this n wanna screech, I TAG THEE!

[wuqs]

so anyway yeah as i posted yesterday i’m going on a tumblr hiatus

not sure how long for yet? but i’ve taken it out of my hotbar and i’m purposefully changing my tumblr links to not go to my dash at all. i won’t be looking at replies or messages or anything here.

if you want to reach me, i’m still on twitter at @vvugs.

below the cut i’m gonna talk a bit about why i decided to stop for a while

so today i had a lot of time to myself. and i do a lot of mondays, but i decided to be pretty introspective today and i thought about a lot

i’ve been really performative lately. and by that i mean i am doing stuff online more for other people than myself. i feel like i’m saying things for an audience and i’m upset when i don’t get a response, more than being pleased at what i created or happy to get something off my chest

tumblr as a whole has been feeling very stressful for me lately, because i feel like there are all these standards i set for myself that i don’t enjoy and that i won’t meet

tumblr is my lazy time no thought click. i just veg out staring at nothing because there’s always a lot to scroll through, and then i get upset that i didn’t use my time wisely

i had a much better day today just spending time with myself and my cat and not caring about anyone else

i also got high today and

i’ve been doing everything very fast lately, and getting stressed at any minor slowdown or speed bump.

weirdly this has bled in a LOT to my enjoyment of video games, which has made me angry because i feel like i’m shitty at games and then i get only stress from doing something i consider to relieve stress

i’ve enjoyed speedruns for a while, but getting so into that zone has made me quantify and qualify my enjoyment of games by the Speed Standard instead of the enjoyment standard. It really hit me today when i was getting PISSED at my inability to play super mario world at the speed of light, because it’s a crazy speedrun game

this transitioned into me trying to play castlevania for the first time bc my friend loaned me his homebrew wii. and i got pissed at the conveyance of the game and raged about it but i remember arin talking about how it was a beautifully well designed game

so i got upset and i spent time today watching a bunch of game design videos like arins and a few others and it got me really thinking about the first playthrough experience and how i’ve started to marr that by 1) going for speedrun strats 2) getting impatient with self discovery and instead using walkthroughs to get through stumbling blocks

and so then i got nostalgic about link to the past and how it’s SUCH a good game and so well designed but the last time i played it i was on a zelda rampage and i crushed it quickly with a guide.

so now i’m trying to savor and appreciate it and re-learn the game. not rely just on my sword and to get items and use them like a new player would. discover enemy weaknesses and exploit them and analyze the enemy setup and solve puzzles intuitively instead of memorizing patterns or doing skips/sequence breaks

i’m also doing the same with super mario world, but with that one trying for the “how is this game well designed?” perspective. like, why is this koopa placed here? oh, to teach you to hit this switch block with a shell instead of jumping to make it easier. and reducing that frustration helped me enjoy my game time SO MUCH today.

i also realized that i should only use speedrun knowledge to help myself when something is tedious on a replay instead of just slow. for instance, i’ve been playing a bit of spyro year of the dragon (another favorite game of all time) and i use glitches to complete the animal friend levels before they’re unlocked just because it’s fun for me to be a completionist on my first play through a level instead of leaving an odd number of gems left and exiting and coming back ten levels later. like it’s good game design and i appreciate it on a first run, but by now i’m just playing for the platforming, the collecting, and the nostalgia, not to go for full on game feel and first impressions.

all of this related back to how in my everyday life i’ve been going too fast. trying to squeeze everything into one day instead of appreciating the subset of things i accomplished one day. i keep forgetting tomorrow still waits to be better, not that tomorrow is a threat of interruption. i have an unhealthy perspective on sleep and work right now, when really they’re needed breaks from my enjoyable pasttimes to make me appreciate those special moments even more.

with time and effort comes truer accomplishments, and i want to get back to those feelings

my minor feelings of compulsion to finish all of one thing before going to another gets really challenged when it comes to games because i naturally get bored of them when i hit a roadblock (capability wise or mental wise)

for instance i was playing donkey kong country 3 and i got to a level with a REALLY hard kiddy kong trick and i HATE water bouncing because it’s not at all easy to input and it’s like a four frame window and it’s really hard to judge and it’s not a common requirement. so i just got PISSED that i couldn’t do it and 100% a level (even though i could easily play the next level)

usually this is where i would shut down and not play ANY more games because i can’t do ONE thing in ONE game.

today i instead let that stop me in DKC 3, but went to mario or zelda instead and switched among those three games

i also watched a lot of game grumps, including the one arin did of just him playing blaster only mega man x

i tried playing mega man x and it’s hard as balls

but anyway that series talked about depression kinda and it really spoke to me and i got a few new perspectives on things i’m dealing with so anyway

today was a really big day for me emotionally and mentally and i’m really proud that sometimes i make progress even without therapy, and maybe it i spend more time with myself without pressure or judgement or stress i can get a little better over time and stop being so hard on myself mentally and emotionally

i love yall bunches and wanna see ur pretty faces on twitter. i figured i’d keep that one since it’s how i get my news and stuff plus i never obsessively scroll through it

and the tmi section

i’ve been masturbating too much lately bc its fun and easy and fast and low dedication but also it’s like... getting less fun and kinda sad feeling and it takes my energy and time and theres no accomplishment

im trying to not do that quite so much for a while and see if i notice any changes in how i feel

anyhoo

i’m scheduling this so i don’t look for likes/replies lol im a mess

love yall!!!!!!!