#and also he got fucking hypnotized into being a vampires servant

[boypussydilf]

huge shoutout to the empress eyes for establishing that ice kings diary goes so far back that it has entries from when, so far as we can figure out from context, simon was still somewhat sane. Meaning that 1. he has NOT written in that very much to still be using the same book after literal centuries 2. This ^ Is Simon’s Diary

[princessisfinethx]

Vampire König x Human Reader pt. 2

A/n: y'all really liked this one geez louise papa cheese. As promised I made another one. Didn't know how to end it but the next one I make will reveal why reader is immune to him. Also, I tried keeping to gn reader, if you guys like that lmk. If not I can change it to fem reader.

Warnings!: Mentions of SA, somnophilia hardcore mixed with dubcon, mentions of murder, sex mentioned a lot. Dark shit tbh I may have went a little too far- König is a loser sorry. Please heed warnings before reading I beg of you.

Minors DNI.

~~

The window opened easily, he almost snorted at you leaving it unlocked. Though, he did climb your apartment building to get up here so maybe he was being an ass. He carefully stepped inside and immediately he felt strange. The legend that a vampire must be invited inside was a myth, he tested that before. But there was something about the air in your room that made his skin prickle.

König was huge, but getting through a window wasn't so much of a challenge for him anymore. He stood in your room and carefully looked around. You had lots of stuff, and it was messy. Some basket of yarn, a sketch pad, some make up on your dresser, posters all over the wall... It looked like a normal young woman's room.

His eyes finally landed on you and he swallowed thickly. You laid on your side, curled up slightly with your blankets lazily tossed over you. There was a stuffed animal near your pillows, watching you, watching him. He crept closer and walked to the side of the bed that you faced. Kneeling down, he takes in your face again. Staring at you as if you'll tell him how you could resist his hypnosis. Your rhythmic breathing however, told him you were fast asleep.

He reached up and used the back of his knuckle to pet your cheek. He wondered what you dreamed of, was it about him? Maybe it was nothing at all. His eyes scanned over your body, seeing the rest disappear within the blankets. Your thigh and leg however, poked out from beneath the blankets. He stood up, walking to the foot of your bed and slowly placing his fingers on your ankle. Ideas, millions of them, bad, good, selfish ideas ran through his head.

He always has his escape card, his hypnosis. He could do whatever he wanted and not feel as much guilt over it, but you... He had to be careful. Truthfully he could probably rule the world, the country at least. He was a powerful being with few weaknesses. He could have as much blood as he wanted, create his own servants and fuck who ever he pleased.

You could not be hypnotized, so if he took you, and you woke up, you'd probably scream. You'd be traumatized perhaps. His fingers moved up your leg. If he drank your blood, you'd be sore and you'd remember, because he can't hypnotize you. His fingers traced along your thigh, stopping at your hip. He wanted you, God if any, König wanted you so badly. He looked at his fingers resting on your hip, you only had panties on. He closed his eyes and tried to keep his hard-on tame.

Removing his hand, he stared at your sleeping form. He glanced to the side, looking at your stuffed animal, as if asking for forgiveness. His fingers slipped the blanket off your bottom half and he looked at your pants less form. He's decided, he won't drink your blood, but he would fuck you. He needed this. He had only met you two- three hours ago and you had tormented him. Slipping his boots off, his knees fell onto the edge of the bed. He got in all fours, hovering over your clothed sex.

He could smell you, your arousal. Were you dreaming of something filthy? He wanted to smile but he didn't. His eyes never left your underwear, and he laid on his stomach between your lazily parted legs. He rested them over his shoulders and was careful not to wake you. He was burley, and knew that rising too high might cause you to stir. He settled now, resting between your legs and staring hungrily at your middle. Then without moving your underwear, he pressed his lips to your sex and closed his eyes. Sweet, he thought. How were you sweet and he's yet to taste your juices?

His tongue eagerly pressed against your panties and it was then he groaned. It was more prominent now, like honey. He licks a strike up your sex and he hears you moan softly in your sleep. His eyes stared up at you now, but you remained asleep. He licked his lips and delved back in, humming in delight. His tongue swirls and he feels his hardened cock pressing painfully against his pants, against your bed. He kissed your thigh and then moved your cloth to the side, wanting to taste you uncovered. His tongue immediately finds your entrance and he swears his eyes flutter. You had jumped against him suddenly and he recognized that jump. He pulled away and his tongue went to his teeth- his fangs. They had came out without his realizing and he cursed. He didn't mean to poke you, not like that anyway.

Looking back up at your sleeping form, he sighed and moved up, slowly palming himself through his tan cargo pants. You could wake up, and find him violating you any moment ...and it thrilled him, sickeningly. He undoes his pants and pulls out his eagerly awaiting cock, finding the tip slick from suppressed arousal. He slowly jerked himself, looking down at you. He'll show you, that he always gets what he wants in the end.

He maneuvers your legs once again so that your thighs rested against his own, with you laying on your back and your head laying to the side. He moves the annoying piece of cloth once again and eyes your entrance, having mercy and lubing it a little more with his spit. Though if he were a little more psychotic, he'd make you hurt. Let you feel the dry press of his thickness as it opened you...but that was too far, he thought with an amused chuckle. He lined himself, watching his tip kiss at your sex and he shudders. He licks his lips, then-

Then you stir and turn on your side, mumbling in your sleep about taking someone's order wrong. König blinked himself out of his dark daydream. He was still standing at the foot of your bed, you were still clothed with the blankets hanging over your body. His member, though hard, remained in his pants and he frowned. Maybe he was losing his humanity far more than he thought. He let out a growl and carefully pulled the blankets over you, so that your legs were covered.

But as he looked at you once again, he felt the human part of himself tsking at him. He can't- no, he wouldn't. So he sighed and sat down on a chair across from your bed. Nonetheless, he wants you. And if he was going to win you over, he needed to do this by the books. He needed to flirt, he needed to give gifts, charm you, intrigue you somehow.

Somehow...

The arrogant part of his mind was twisting and turning. He has become so used to getting what he wanted, whenever. So the one thing he can't have, he found himself wanting the most. Like a spoiled brat, perhaps. But this was only a small part of it, that's what he told himself anyway.

For now, he stood up and nodded to himself. He's gonna go about this as human like as possible. But then there was the incident from tonight. He had been a creep, and you might remember his face. No matter, he'll just erase your mind and-

No, wait. Fuck.

He put his hands on his hips in frustration. This is gonna be difficult.

[chelsfic]

The Hot List, in which the NYC Familiar Discord Ranks their Masters - Nandor x Guillermo Fanfic (one-shot, crack!)

Summary: The familiars of New York City use Discord to connect and blow off steam...and also to rank their masters’ hotness. Nandor discovers this impertinence and throws an internet fit.

Tags: Crack with a touch of angst

A/N: I don’t know. 

---

NYC Familiar Chat #thirsty

Celeste-is-Best: nngh, have you guys seen Mr. 50ss’s’s’ss instagram story????

Celeste-is-Best: He’s so pretty! it’s like turn me, already!

Imurdad | colby: I know, right? I can’t believe he’s only 7 on the hot list…

[Gigi the great and sam teh pretty like this]

Gigi the great: Don’t forget to vote on this month’s poll!!

Best Hair!

We’re the ones who make them look pretty--but who’s the prettiest one of all? This month we’re voting on the NYC vampire with the best hair. Cast your vote!

A. Simon the Devious

B. Nandor the Relentless

C. Tilda

D. Evan

E. Houston

F. Nancy the Relentless

---

Guillermo locked his phone with a little smile. If he could he’d vote a hundred times for Nandor’s hair. It was unlikely that his master would win against the likes of Evan, Tilda and Nancy. He’d thrown Simon on there as a joke and was kind of horrified by how many familiars seemed to be into the limp mullet look. To each their own, he guessed.

On that note, it was almost nightfall and Nandor’s hair wasn’t going to brush itself. Guillermo made his way into the crypt, lighting candles and gathering the soft brush, comb, detangler spray and hair oils. Nandor was what he lovingly referred to as “high maintenance.” He was also surprisingly pitiful for a 750-year old warlord. It took Guillermo ages every night to carefully tease out and brush the knots from his hair without hurting him. It should’ve been annoying after so many years, but the chore remained one of the highlights of Guillermo’s day. 

For one thing, he got to touch his master without being scolded or hissed at. So that was nice. For another thing, Nandor’s hair was as soft as his personality was prickly. Guillermo would often drag out the task, running his fingers through the silky strands and lightly touching Nandor’s jaw to get him to tilt his head this way or that. 

He was doing just that, as well as admiring the expanse of cream and bronze skin revealed by the open collar of Nandor’s loose shirt, when the vampire opened his mouth. 

“Guillermooo...Did you happen to get any virgins for tonight?”

Guillermo’s fingers momentarily tightened around a hank of his master’s hair. He imagined giving it a sharp tug. He forced himself to loosen his grip and replied, “No, master, I’m sorry. Virgins are getting pretty thin on the ground lately. I managed to pick up a couple people from a bible study class, though. They should taste pretty innocent, right?”

Nandor made a disgusted sound in the back of his throat before answering, “You’d be surprised.”

---

NYC Familiar Chat #the-struggle

Gigi the great: I know we all jealously guard our sources, but I’ve been in a dry spell for a few weeks and my master is going to lose it and drink me one of these nights. Anyone have any new leads on virgins in the area?

Gigi the great: I’ve tried the usual stuff...LARPers, church socials, chastity clubs (surprisingly unhelpful…). I’m kinda desperate!

Direct Messages

Celeste-is-Best: only because you had my back last month when I ran out of burial sites…

Gigi the great: OMG! Celeste, please!! 🙏 🥺

Celeste-is-Best: there’s a magic the gathering tournament in brighton heights this weekend...😈

Gigi the great: You are like the virgin whisperer, Celeste. Thank you!

Celeste-is-Best: np

Celeste-is-Best: hey! Are you posting the poll results soon? I voted for Tilda--don’t tell Houston!! LOL

#main

Gigi the great: The results are in! The vampire with the best hair in NYC is……..EVAN!

Check out the Google Form for the full results...

docs.google.com...best_hair

Evan (26%)

Tilda (22%)

Nancy the Relentless (17%)

Simon the Devious (16%)

Nandor the Relentless (13%)

Houston (6%)

---

“What are you typing over there on your intelligent phone?”

Guillermo hurriedly tucked his phone away and looked up to find his master mopping blood from his mouth with a lace-trimmed handkerchief. They were in an alleyway a few buildings down from the comic shop. The limp body of Nandor’s victim lay discarded on the dirty ground. Guillermo smiled affectionately at Nandor trying and failing to clean himself. He took the hanky from him and set about doing the job himself. The snow white fabric was quickly drenched in dark red arterial blood. 

“I was just, um...checking on another potential virgin source,” he lied. 

The familiar Discord was strictly secret. If any of their masters ever found it and saw their human servants’ uncensored discussions... The thought sent a panicked tremor down Guillermo’s spine and he thought--for the thousandth time--that he should delete the app and not look back. But the idea of continuing with this emotionally draining, thankless job without his little support system was just as disturbing. Besides, the server had really come through for him tonight.

“Well done, Guillermo!” Nandor praised him and Guillermo’s heart swelled pathetically. A small, shameful part of him imagined Nandor patting him on the head and he didn’t hate it. “That was the most delicious virgin I’ve had in months!”

“Thank you, master,” Guillermo smiled sweetly, his cheeks dimpling. Nandor watched him for a long moment and he could swear he saw his master’s eyes linger on his mouth. He shut that thought down before it could bloom into a hope that was only doomed for disappointment. 

“Well…I’ll see you back at the house.” Nandor vanished before his eyes, taking his bat form and darting out of the alley with a high-pitched squeak and a furious flap of his leathery wings.

Guillermo sighed, looked at the broken body and wondered if he’d be able to fit his car down the narrow alley or if he’d have to drag the corpse to the opening. He fished out his keys and started the short walk back to his parking spot. All the while thinking, with distracted horror, Simon the Devious beat out Nandor for best hair?!? Really?

---

Direct Messages

Gigi the great: Hey, thanks! The Magic tournament was a hit!

Celeste-is-Best: i do live to serve…

Gigi the great: Har har.

#bitch-session

mish-bish: Ugh!!! Pretty sure my asshole master is hypnotizing me again.

call-me-karen: That’s rough, Misha! You wanna talk about it? My master lets me take the car whenever I want. I can come pick you up…

mish-bish: Yeah, like...I definitely have a huge black hole in my memories from last night. Fuck.

mish-bish: Oh, that’s ok Karen. Thanks.

Gigi the great: Hey @mish-bish. Sorry you’re having a hard time. If you feel up to it, check out the #support channel. A lot of other familiars have gone through this and talked about it there. Sometimes it helps to hear how others cope!

---

“Guillermo! Guillermoooo!”

Nandor’s panicked bellow reached him all the way in the basement where he was checking his lye supply. Guillermo huffed it up the stairs and raced into the fancy room where he found his master staring aghast at his laptop.

“Wh-what is it, master?” he asked, bent over and catching his breath.

“Someone named...Rap4Unlyfe has sent me a fake news!” Nandor wailed, gesturing to the laptop as if the device was personally responsible. 

Guillermo suppressed an eyeroll and walked over to sit beside his master. He watched in dismay as Nandor scooched farther down the couch but he tried not to let it sting too much. 

The browser was open to Nandor’s Hotmail account. He leaned forward to read the open message, unsure what to expect. The blood drained from his face as he read.

from: rap4unlyfe@sassycat.com

cc:  devious@sassycat.com; nandortherelentless@hotmail.com; travelbug54@aol.com ...

subject: rofl bahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahah

yooooooooooooooooOO!

Has ne1 else seen there familiars on this site??? I hypnotized mine last nite to give me his phone password and...👀 

Mierda. There were two screenshots attached. One was the survey results page from the “best hair” poll. The other was an excerpt from the chat, specifically Guillermo posting the winner of the poll and the link to the results. 

Guillermo’s face fell into an adorably distressed frown. He darted a glance at Nandor but the vampire just looked confused. It wasn’t clear if he yet suspected that his own familiar might be “Gigi the great.”

“Huh…” Guillermo leaned back and smoothed his expression into one of untroubled amusement. “You’re right, looks like fake news. You should probably just ignore it.”

Nandor punched his fist into his thigh and snapped, “But Guillermo! I cannot let this go unanswered! This...this...ludicrous insult! Imagine...me losing a hair contest. Everyone knows I have the most beautiful hair!”

Guillermo blushed magnificently, “Of course, master! This is just...a prank. Someone playing a mean trick on you. You shouldn’t give them the satisfaction--”

The laptop chimed. Guillermo dove to prevent Nandor from reaching it but the vampire simply slapped him away with a petulant whine, “Give me that! Fucking guy…”

Nandor’s lips curled into a snarl as his eyes scanned over the screen. 

“Oh, no! Now they are making a mockery of me on the ether net!”

from: devious@sassycat.com 

cc: nandortherelentless@hotmail.com; travelbug54@aol.com; rap4unlyfe@sassycat.com… 

subject: RE: rofl bahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahah

Oh! That is too delicious! Suck it, Houston and Nandor! 

It gets even better. Have you seen this, yet?

vamp_hot_list.doc 

“Guillermo, what is a hot list?” Nandor asked with a worried frown, clicking on the attachment. 

“No, master! Don’t--”

It was too late. He watched as his master’s eyes lit with understanding and then intrigue and finally outrage.

“29?! I am number 29 on your dirty hot vampire list!? What is the meaning of this?” Nandor bristled like an angry porcupine, his eyes shooting metaphorical quills into Guillermo’s soft flesh.

“It’s not my list, master!” he insisted and then, guiltily, “Not only mine…”

“Guillermo!” Nandor gasped, his eyes returning to the screen for a moment before pinning him with outraged accusation. “So, it is you!? You are...Gigi the great? Well, I do not think you are so great, little guy! In fact I think you’re pretty un-great right now! And disrespectful!”

Guillermo sank into the couch cushions, melting under his master’s ire and replying miserably, “It’s not as bad as it looks!”

Nandor turned back to the screen and began reading off names from the top of the list, “Viago! Nancy the Relentless! Evan! I suppose these are all vampires you’ve been dreaming of doing the hanky panky with! Putting them on the top of your list above your own master! That’s two demerits, Guillermo!”

“What!? No! Master, I didn’t make the list! We vote on it! Everyone gets a say. If I made the list of course you’d be at the top--”

Guillermo snapped his mouth shut. His face was on fire and he felt like crying. Nandor must have some inkling of his crush, right? After ten years of service? This couldn’t really be the life-ending mortification that it felt like. He waited, wide-eyed, for his master’s reaction. Nandor stared at him, his huge, dark eyes filled with shock and anger. After a long minute he turned back to the laptop, waving a hand dismissively in Guillermo’s face.

“Go to your room now, Guillermo! I need to think of how to punish this impertinence!”

Guillermo stood, barely holding in humiliated tears. He gestured to the device in Nandor’s lap, “My laptop…”

Nandor held it out of Guillermo’s reach and hissed, “No! Vampire only computer time, Guillermo!”

Guillermo left, trudging out of the room with a sinking feeling in his stomach as the sound of Nandor’s flop-wristed typing followed him out the door.

---

#main

Gigi the great: Is everyone okay?

call-me-karen: not fukcing great!

Imurdad | colby: Seriously! WTF!!?

Gigi the great is typing…

Guillermo lay on his little cot with the crocheted blanket his amá made for him pulled up to his chin. Tears streaked down his cheeks and the phone’s glare reflected in his glasses. He thought back to every off handed complaint, every silly photo turned into a “master-shaming” meme, every confession, every joke. All of them laid bare to the world. The Discord server started out as goofy, harmless fun. The hot list was the perfect embodiment of that. But it became so much more. Being a familiar could be lonely. You were isolated from other humans and surrounded by cold, uncaring monsters all the time. Guillermo loved Nandor. Everyone knew this...there were even memes about it on the server! But sometimes his master’s aloofness got to be too much and he needed to reach out to other humans who understood him! 

He threw his phone down onto the mattress, angrily pawing at his teary eyes and wondering if this was it. Not just the end of NYC Familiar Chat, but the end of Guillermo the Great, his long-dreamed-of vampire alias. There was no way Nandor would keep him as a familiar after this…

---

Direct Messages

Celeste-is-Best: OMG! Guillermo, have you seen this?

Celeste-is-Best: http://familiar-hot-list.colinrobinson.net

Celeste-is-Best: hey, if this is Nandor’s big revenge scheme I think you’re going to be ok

Celeste-is-Best: we miss you! 

---

Guillermo heard his master calling him and cringed. It had been a week since the hot list incident and Nandor had spent every waking moment making little jabs at his familiar and grousing about how he’d been betrayed on the internet. But to Guillermo’s surprisingly intense relief, he hadn’t been fired. After ten years of disappointment and hopeless pining, Guillermo half-expected to welcome the prospect of finally being put out of his misery, so to speak. He was kind of shocked, therefore, to feel happiness and gratitude that his master had decided to keep him around, even if only as a verbal punching bag.

He found Nandor in the library, smugly brandishing the purloined laptop. 

“Come have a look at your punishment, Guillermo,” Nandor patted the couch beside him. “This is what happens when you disrespect vampires on the ether net.”

Guillermo swallowed the lump in his throat and collapsed beside Nandor feeling like a man condemned. Their thighs pressed together but for once Nandor didn’t move away. He shoved the laptop at Guillermo and handed him a yellow sticky note with Colin Robinson’s handwriting on it.

“Colin Robinson has assisted in creating a webpage for your disgrace. We have done our own hot list! A familiar hot list. All of the New York vampires voted. So, now you can see how not nice it feels to have your hotness besmirched for all the world to see.”

Guillermo typed in the URL and blinked as the neon green background scorched his retinas. The page was a hideous callback to the internet of the late 1990s right down to the hit counter at the bottom. There was a border of pixelated dancing Draculas surrounding bright orange text.

NYC Familiar Hotness Ranking

1. Guillermo (Nandor the Relentless) - 19%

Guillermo looked at the screen, then over at Nandor, then back to the screen again.

“Master? Have you looked at the results yet?”

Nandor’s brow knit with confusion, “No, why? What does it say?”

He grabbed the laptop and squinted against the garish colors. Guillermo watched Nandor’s face carefully as he read the results. He looked surprised and almost...pleased at first, before giving in to his patented aggravation.

“Fucking Colin Robinson!”

---

New NYC Familiars Group! #welcome

Imurdad | colby: Hey @everyone! Welcome to the new Discord server. Guillermo has stepped down as a mod but he’ll still be around. We don’t have a perfect solution for the security problems we had with the last server. We’re asking everyone to be vigilant about hypnosis and if you feel like you’re losing time, please be sure to secure your phones/computers away from your masters….

---

to: nandortherelentless@hotmail.com

from: travelbug54@aol.com

subject: Something you might want to see…

Hey Nandoorman! How’s it hangin’?  

Listen, I’m sorry that your revenge didn’t go as planned. I noticed you’ve been a little short with Gizmo ever since this whole thing started. As someone who cares about my roomie, I want to advise you to knock it the hell off. Also, I don’t relish the thought of returning to the days before Gizmo came along. Do you even remember what the house used to look like? Pools of blood everywhere. Dead bodies. Melted candles all over the place...

I digress… I managed to snag this screenshot from Count Rapula. I think you may find it interesting.

Your pal,

Colin Robinson 

discord_gizmo.jpg

#confessions

Gigithegreat: Hey guys. This isn’t easy for me to share but I know I’m not the only one who’s dealt with this and if I can help one of you feel less alone then I’ll be glad. As most of you know, I recently “celebrated” my 10th anniversary as Nandor’s familiar. I was convinced, absolutely convinced, that my master was going to make me into a vampire. Well, once again it didn’t happen. He made me this weird portrait out of glitter instead. And the thing is...like, I should leave, right? He’s never going to turn me and that’s the basis for our whole arrangement. I serve him faithfully, he turns me into a vampire. It’s simple, right? So why am I still here? Why am I still burying bodies for him and making human sacrifices? Dressing and feeding him? Treating him like he’s some kind of god and not an ancient cranky baby?  It’s because I’m in love with him. Hopelessly, stupidly, self-destructively in love with my vampire master who thinks of me as nothing more than a really well-trained poodle who can talk. Why? WHY? Because he makes me laugh. Because he’s fiercely protective of his vampire family and (sometimes) that includes me. Because when we’re alone he can be so adorably, painfully vulnerable and it feels like a privilege that I get to witness that side of him. Because he does ridiculously stupid but considerate things like spending hours making me a glitter portrait. When he’s happy with me I feel like I could float and when he’s disappointed I feel like being swallowed up by a sinkhole. And, yeah, he’s also man-of-my-dreams outrageously hot and I cannot believe you cretins have him ranked #29 on the hot list. It’s a crime. 

Gigithegreat: So, yeah. That’s why I stay. I’m no longer hoping for a bite that will never happen. Now it’s a kiss, a hug, a touch, a look. Anything he’s willing to give me I’ll gladly hoard in my little closet-room along with my glitter portrait. Because I’m pathetic. That’s it. That’s the confession.

Imurdad | colby: Brave words, Guillermo. Hang in there, friend.

blood_princess: this is a mood

sam teh pretty: Sending you healing head scritches ❤️

Celeste-is-Best: look, i think i speak for us all when i say we need to see this glitter portrait!!!

[You’re Viewing Older Messages … Jump To Present? ￬]

---

Nandor looked uncharacteristically thoughtful while Guillermo readied him for sleep. The familiar guessed he was still angry that his little revenge plot had backfired. He couldn’t help but feel a little smug about his position as the hottest NYC familiar. Even if he was pretty sure it was mostly due to the other vampires messing with Nandor. Guillermo couldn’t really enjoy his victory, though, not with Nandor’s feelings of betrayal still weighing on his heart.

Nandor’s face was a stoic mask as Guillermo helped him undress. He cooperated listlessly, picking up his feet for Guillermo to remove his heavy boots, lifting his arms up over his head as Guillermo took off his brocade tunic. Finally, he placed his giant hand in Guillermo’s soft, small one and stepped up into his coffin. Guillermo stood by the side of the coffin as he always did, watching over Nandor with affection choking his throat. Nandor smoothed his hair down and crossed his arms over his chest.

“Sweet dreams, master,” Guillermo whispered, leaning across him to catch the lid of the coffin.

“Wait, Guillermo,” Nandor spoke without looking at him, his eyes fixed on the ceiling. “I wish to say something to you.”

Guillermo’s heart sank in his chest. Oh no...his stupid middle schooler revenge didn’t work and now he’s going to send me away… Tears pricked his eyes and he choked, “C-can’t it wait until tomorrow, master?”

“No. I must say this now,” Nandor responded, oblivious to his familiar’s internal drama. “I want to say to you that--and I think I’m being extremely gracious and lenient here--it is fine for you to have your little, pathetic familiar group on the dark internet.”

“O-oh,” Guillermo quickly swiped the tears from his eyes, “thank you, master…”

“But no more mee-mees, Guillermo! Master-shaming...very disrespectful!”

“Of course!” Guillermo laughed, delirious with relief. 

Nandor looked up at him with a final warning glance before softening, “Alright, then. As long as we are clear on that…”

There was a long beat of silence during which Guillermo found himself locked inside his master’s gaze. Nandor’s eyes were like pools of rich, melted chocolate. Guillermo imagined himself as the German kid from Willy Wonka and for a second he was in danger of breaking down into giggles. But then his master spoke in that soft, uncertain tone he only used when they were alone and he was feeling fragile.

“Guillermo...did you really vote for me to be the number one hottest vampire?” Nandor toyed with the buttons on his shirt and looked up at his familiar with a shy, open expression.

Guillermo’s cheeks burned and he wanted to laugh and hide and kiss his master on the mouth all at once.

“Yes, master, I did. You’re…” he cleared his throat and tightened his grip on the lip of the coffin, “so handsome, master. So beautiful...”

He watched his master’s chest expand with pride and his lips twitch into a haughty smirk. 

“That’s true, Guillermo. Good job for noticing,” Nandor praised him in a voice that was a little too loud. It rang with a false sense of self-assurance. After a few seconds he went on in a quieter tone, “Do you know, I--this is very silly, Guillermo, you mustn't tell anyone this--I voted for you, too. As the hottest familiar…”

Guillermo’s stomach did a little swoop and his lips curved into a blinding smile. His dumb, beautiful master thought he was attractive? Guillermo tried to reel himself in; he tried to remind himself that Nandor probably only voted for him to boost his own reputation. But--wait?--hadn’t the list been meant as a revenge against Guillermo? God, what a handsome idiot.

“Thank you, master,” Guillermo gushed and now he was certain that Nandor’s eyes strayed too long on his smiling lips and red, dimpled cheeks. 

“Alright then!” Nandor pulled the emergency break on the moment. “Time for my evil slumber. Night night, Guillermo!”

And in a slow motion moment that would feature in Guillermo’s dreams that night, Nandor reached up and put his hand over his. Nandor’s cool, smooth palm rubbed over the back of Guillermo’s warm hand and his fingers squeezed slightly. The breath rushed from Guillermo’s lungs and he could only squeak in reply, shutting his master into his coffin and moving away with a dazed smile on his face.

A muffled sound came from the coffin just as Guillermo reached the door to the crypt.

“...And I don’t think of you as a poodle…”

“What was that, master?” Guillermo called.

“Nothing, Guillermo!”

Guillermo shuffled off to his little room feeling like he was carrying a happy little flame inside his chest. For once he gave himself permission to hope without fearing disappointment.

---

New NYC Familiars Group! #thirsty

Celest-is-Best: SORRY NOT SORRY!!!! Simon can get it…

blood_princess: ummmm thirst after your own master, Celeste. Oops sorry she’s 12.

mish-bish: Lmaooo. Gross Celeste!

Celeste-is-Best: listen.

Celeste-is-Best: ...i got nothin. I want his evil dick.

…

Gigi the great: Please look respectfully at this photo I snuck of my master the other night. Do I really need to explain myself further???

Celeste-is-Best: that’s it. guillermo, ask nandor if he needs another familiar. my body is ready!

Gigi the great: Back off, bitch!!!!

Gigi the great: jk love u

Gigi the great: but srsly back off

#master-shaming

mish-bish: submitted without comment

[Imurdad | colby, Gigi the great, Sam teh Cat, and 6 others like this]

...

Gigi the great: 🙄🙄🙄

Gigi the great: I hate him I love him

#main

black-peterrr: ohohoho, has anyone talked to Guillermo lately…..?

black-peterrr: a little raven told me he and Nandor were seen HOLDING HANDS in the park the other night…

call-me-karen: WHATTTTTTTT

Celeste-is-Best: @Gigi the great, CONFIRM OR DENY!! GIIIIIGIIII!

Gigi the great: ……...I don’t kiss and tell 😉

Imurdad | colby pinned a post

Imurdad | colby: This is momentous.

#memes

Gigi the great: hot take…

Imurdad | colby: bahahaha, okay…

Imurdad | colby: 

Gigi the great: But have you considered…

Imurdad | colby: lol compelling

Call-me-karen: I mean…..👀

Celeste-is-Best: Ha...ha...ha…*sob*

Direct Messages

Celeste-is-Best: Gigi! we miss you! ur never online lately... 

Celeste-is-Best: too busy getting that ottoman empire dick, huhhh??

Gigi the great: OMG Celeste! You’re out of control!

Celeste-is-Best: that wasn’t a denial…

#main

Gigi the great: Hey guys...sorry I haven’t been active lately

Gigi the great: Quick update though....

GIgi the great:

blood_princess: OSDFJweoiflkdfaf omgggggg gggggiiiiiiigiigigig!!!!!!

Jameson: Holy shit, man. Congrats.

Celeste-is-Best: GuillerrrrrrrrrrrmmmmmmooooooOooooO!O my baby! you look amazing!

call-me-karen: DO YOU NEED A FAMILIAR!!?!?!?!?

Celeste-is-Best: jesus, karen lol

blood_princess: my master is having an orgy right now. I just locked myself in the bathroom--I’M FREAKING OUT!! What is it like? IS that blood on your collar??? OMG how was ur first feeding?

Imurdad | colby: FAMILIARS ONLY, GUILLERMO!!

Imurdad | colby: I’m kidding. OMG I’m so happy for you! (And burning with jealous rage)

Celeste-is-Best: look how fucking happy Nandor is

Celeste-is-Best: i’ve been shipping you two from the beginning, Gigi!

Celeste-is-Best: …..hope you’re not going to forget who helped you out with those virgins last month…

---

“Guillermo!” Nandor’s voice was half whine, half growl. “It’s very difficult to sleep with that light filling the coffin! What are you doing anyway?”

The screen illuminated Guillermo’s grin as he answered, “Just posted that selfie we took to the familiar chat. They’re freaking out.”

Nandor turned onto his side, nuzzling his face into Guillermo’s neck and tickling him with his beard, “That’s nice. Sleepy time now, Guillermo.” 

“Yes, master,” Guillermo breathed and Nandor purred low in his chest. Some things had changed since becoming a vampire and others had stayed the same. Calling Nandor “master” had taken on a new, thrilling subtext.

Nandor’s arms snaked around Guillermo, tugging the smaller vampire into his chest. He let out a contented sigh and his body went still as he began to fall asleep.

“I guess I should probably leave the group,” Guillermo yawned--force of habit. “Since I’m not a familiar anymore.”

Nandor wrenched himself from sleep with the power of his own petulance, “Hey! What do you mean ‘not a familiar anymore’? Just because a guy gives his boyfriend the gift of eternal life he thinks he can quit being his familiar!? Who’s going to brush my hair?! ‘Not a familiar anymore’...fucking guy…”

[ayearofpike]

The Last Vampire 6: Creatures of Forever

Pocket Books, 1996 181 pages, 17 chapters + epilogue ISBN 0-671-55052-7 LOC: PZ7.P626 Lav 1996 OCLC: 35300865 Released September 1, 1996 (per B&N)

Sita, the last vampire, is tired of killing and not hungry anymore, but she still feels a sense of duty to stop those who would harm others. In her service, though, she encounters a larger set of monsters than she had ever imagined. These monsters, she learns, are here to convert humanity to a predominantly negative energy, and their power in our realm stems from their having some of her blood. The only way Sita can stop them is to go back in time and prevent the monsters from getting her blood in the first place.

Holy shit, did I just write that? But yeah, it’s totally what happens in this story. It’s half sci-fi, half period action drama, all frustrating. Not even because of the St. Elsewhere ending — I can deal with that. It’s more about having to craft my own pieces to complete Pike’s puzzle. I’ve said it before, and it’s still true: I don’t get mad at a story that makes me do some of the legwork in figuring out how it gets from start to finish. But I do resent when I’m expected to read the author’s mind and pull in hints that he’s dropped in other places besides the story I’m reading in order to understand what he meant.

I also don’t really appreciate a series that makes a sudden turn right at the end and forces me to mentally retcon practically every activity that has occurred to this point. Here? Aliens. Pike takes all the metaphysical and spiritual elements and jams ‘em in outer space. I know, Sita’s been dreaming about talking to Krishna before getting on a big purple spaceship for the whole series, but it could at least still be understood as a metaphor. And yeah, we got the spectral lizard spaceship in TLV5, but that’s couched in the understanding that the Setians figured out how to spread out rather than that they actually  CAME from elsewhere. Not here. You’ll see.

We open up with Sita and Seymour in a bar. Remember how she turned him into a vampire last time? It’s still true, and as he figures out his powers she’s coaching him through how to use them ethically. Like, he’s picking up this fly skimmie but Sita won’t let him hypnotize her, nor will she let him both drink from her AND fuck her. Man, save one Jeebus Baby and accept the blood of one Hindu goddess to save your own life and all of a sudden you’ve got a complicated moral code. 

Sita’s more worried about the murderer in the corner. Yes, she knows he’s a murderer. It’s a new consequence of having drunk Kalika’s blood, that she can read minds rather than simply being aware of emotions and mental states. So she goes and picks the dude up, and he takes her to a creepy warehouse so they can get busy. Only the weapon he pulls out of his pocket is not a gun or a knife ... it’s a box with buttons on it. Obviously he’s been warned about Sita. She disarms him and asks who told him about her, and right at that moment who should show up but Seymour and his skimmie. She’s got an identical box pointed at his head and tells Sita to drop the weapon. Sita grabs the murderer and tries to negotiate, but Skimmie isn’t having it. She disintegrates Murderer without even blinking.

Of course Sita immediately hides, and Skimmie makes it clear that she better come out without any weapons if she wants Seymour to have, you know, particles. So Sita stashes her knife, with the point aimed at Skimmie, and insists she release Seymour before they continue talking. Skimmie is only too happy to do so — but then she says that Sita must join her side and the first step in the initiation is to kill Seymour. Nuh-uh, Sita says, and uses her other new power: telekinesis. She makes the knife fly from its hiding spot and stab Skimmie in the neck, and while she’s surprised Sita leaps across the warehouse, kicks the box out of her hand, and rips her fucking head off and throws it into a corner. 

Sita and Seymour have to run, and the safest place to be is Jeebus Baby’s house on Lake Tahoe. It turns out that his mom has started to remember some things from her previous life as Sita’s old teacher the seer/healer. She listens to Sita’s story and understands what it means: that a change in the lives of humanity is coming, but that there’s an evil that is trying to steer people away from the light side and into darkness. This evil wants us to focus on powering ourselves for its own sake, rather than spreading the power around to everyone. It wants us to be more invested in ourselves than others, to value strength over love, to value ourselves over others. I swear I am not getting political — okay, maybe a little bit, but this is eerily prescient from a book that was written twenty-two years ago.

Then again, maybe not.

Anyway, Sita knows she needs to do something about these evil beings for the good of humanity. She tracks down the skimmie’s address and finds an indifferent boyfriend drinking beer and watching baseball, who tells Sita that she was supposed to be at a UFO convention in Phoenix. So she flies there (which, like, I know LA is a hub, but how does Sita get flights right when she wants to go?) and sits through a whole bunch of talks until she gets to the last one of the day, where the professor up front describes exactly the dilemma Sita understands (as she and some random lady she befriended snark at him under their breath). She wants to talk to him afterward, but he fuckin’ books it away into the desert. 

Of course she follows him, to a hill only thirty minutes from the Holiday Inn, which shows that Pike has never been to Phoenix (it takes at least 45 minutes to get ANYWHERE in that monstrosity). The professor says the same thing the skimmie did — that they’re going to win anyway and Sita should just join them. Plus! They already have some of her blood, dating back to a ninth-century occultist she wrangled with, thus making them more powerful than ever. And now they have her surrounded: out of nowhere three dudes with ray guns show up, and they try to take her prisoner. Luckily Sita still has her hypnotic powers, and she makes one of the guards break just enough that the other two aim at him and take him down. This gives her time to jump toward one, steal his phaser, and vaporize everybody.

The random friend is waiting for her where the desert road meets the highway. This is unexpected enough that Sita is suspicious, but the woman identifies herself as a genuine friend — and certainly Sita feels deep down that this is true. She listens as the friend talks about the coming change: it’s an increase in density or dimensionality or some such shit. This is one of the places where Pike makes us fill in the gaps, but I was too bored to do it. But anyway, our move forward has to be a choice, a conscious step into the next ... whateverthefuck, and it’ll be predicated on whether we’re positive or negative. And the phaser aliens want us to be negative for ... some reason, and they’re going to get more negativity because of that incident all those centuries ago where they got some of Sita’s blood.

There’s a way to undo this! Sita can mentally travel back in time to her body as it was when she met this evil occultist, who also so happens to be a dimension-shifting alien (I don’t remember if this is where we learn this, but who fuckin’ cares at this point). To do this she has to get on a spaceship with her new random friend and get up to hyperspeed, at which time she just has to focus on where she was and she’ll join consciousness with herself at that time. 

The moment she remembers is when she met the castrated leper who showed her the way to the dude’s castle. I’m totally serious. There’s three people torturing him, and Sita kills them all and saves his life, then talks to him about the evil dude and how to find him. It turns out the castrated leper used to be one of his servants and knows exactly where to find him, but obviously he’s afraid because of how he specifically watched the dude turn evil and get cast out by the pope and invoke demons that gave him his disease. (The missing balls were just to preserve his sweet, sweet singing voice.) Still, she persuades him to take her to the castle, and as they walk there he tells the tale of Perseus and Medusa, and the importance of the power of being able to freeze someone. This will come back later.

Near the castle, she tells the castrated leper to turn back and continues on alone. She happens on a cage on a cart full of naked women, no doubt for sacrifice to this evil monster, and she kills the guards and frees the women, and continues on without so much as a disguise or a costume change or even really a cover story. Like, she’s a four-thousand-year-old immortal vampire and doesn’t give a shit about Satanists. It’s important to note that she’s having trouble remembering the future thoughts she brought back with her, so maybe she doesn’t fully grasp the importance of what she’s doing here now. But anyway, she gets to the castle and meets the lady of the house, who insists she should have dinner with them that night.

At the dinner table, the evil lord seems ... kinda nice, actually. He claims that his falling out with the Church is over how to handle the invading Moslems from across the sea, and that they tried to keep the castrated leper safe and warm but that he ran away in fear of who he was. (I should mention: there’s a kinda gross thread throughout this book that equates the Moors with the Satanic rituals and practices we’ll see in a little bit. I’m going to mostly skip it because it’s not really about Sita, but I sure didn’t like reading it in 2018.) On the wall there’s a spear that the lord claims is the actual spearhead used to kill Christ on the cross and end his suffering, and that the owner is in charge of destiny the way the initial wielder was. There is a nail wired to it ... maybe one of the nails that held him to the cross? It makes Sita think about a baby Jesus ... or is it a baby Jeebus? She’s confused.

She gets back to her room and feels tired. Not just tired ... lethargic and slack. Obviously her food was drugged. She makes herself throw up, and then bursts the door open to find a housemaid waiting to hear her collapse and drag her down to the black rites. Sita demands to be taken there without being seen, and so they use a secret passageway that takes them far underground and into a passage with grates on the floor from which they can observe hundreds of acolytes in red robes gathered around a pentagram watching the lord (who is an evil occultist after all) sacrifice one of the girls Sita thought she’d saved. Suddenly there’s a knife in her back. Literally — the servant stabs her, and obviously has been told there’s power in Sita’s blood, because she starts licking it. They lose their balance and fall through the grate, where the servant dies instantly and Sita blacks out from the knife being shoved all the way through her body.

When she comes to, she is hanging from a wall in a dungeon cell. It’s this pain of being in a crucifixion position that finally makes her memories of the future clear — specifically, she remembers watching a Wagner production in Germany in the 1920s that retold the story of this evil douche, through the veil of being related to a devil preventing King Arthur’s knights from ever finding the holy grail. Pike has obviously done his research here: it’s a real opera that tells how the forces of good are obstructed by an evil wizard with a magic spear. I wonder if he saw a production at some point and thought it would make a cool villain for his eternal vampire to fight, and this was the best way to fit it in.

Anyway, the occult lord shows up with the castrated leper, who he hangs up on the wall next to her with the taunt that he’ll be the object of torture if she doesn’t capitulate. Sure enough, he burns the leper’s wounds until she begs him to stop, and then leaves them alone to stew on their stubbornness of love and the next step. Luckily, they don’t take the leper’s wooden leg brace, which has a wire cross concealed in it. Through much finagling, Sita manages to bend the cross into a hook that she then uses to pick the locks on her shackles. The leper knows of a secret way out of the castle on the other side of the cell wall, but it’ll require them to go through hallways and risk being seen. Unless Sita can just kick through the brick wall itself and make an opening for them to get out. Once there, she tells the leper to get up out and away, while she goes back for the monster to stop him forever.

She finds him on the beach, inside a pentagram, with his wife dead next to another of the girls Sita thought she’d saved. She goes after him, but there’s an invisible force field all the way around the pentagram, and he tells her the only way she’s going to get in after him is to kill the girl. He’s holding his wife’s heart in his hand, and it suddenly starts beating, pounding inside Sita’s head, until she’s driven to madness and rips out the other girl’s heart and jumps in after the monster. But! Now she can only stand on the points of the pentagram. The open space in the circle is fire, and the center has some kind of invisible ravenous beast that will devour her if she goes in there. Her only option is to give up, open up her veins so that the Dark Lord can have her blood. She asks to do it with the nail that is on his spear, and he throws it to her, and sure enough she’s able to use her future powers to make it fly straight into his head, which stuns him long enough that she steals the spear and stabs him in the heart. This makes him stumble into the center of the pentagram, where all his flesh is flayed off before his body is sucked down into nothingness.

And again, this is a perfectly good supernatural occult story. Why is Pike fucking it up with aliens? But Sita wonders why she hasn’t been picked up yet. And she has blood on her hand from the girl’s heart, which won’t wash off. Maybe she has to go see her leper and heal his wounds with her blood like she did the last time she escaped from this castle. So they meet at a pond, and she wants to wash him in it, only he won’t get close to the water. This is weird. Sita has enough doubts, with her memory of the Wagner play and the story he told about Medusa, and so as a test instead of her blood she rubs on blood from a lizard she finds nearby. And sure enough, she notices that the leper’s expression is one of poorly disguised triumph and trickery. She forces him close to the water before he can react —

And his reflection is Medusa. Or maybe the evil occultist. Pike never properly spells it out. But Sita knows right away that she was right: that her buddy with no balls and no left limbs is actually the one in control, that he was the evil lord’s secret puppet master and used the position of power to get what he needed. He’s made her go through the first two steps of the initiation: begging for forgiveness, killing an innocent. But now the third step — willingly giving up some of her blood, despite a warning veiled in a story — has been thwarted.

And before Evil Gorgon Castrated Leper Lord can react, Sita turns to light again, thanks to the stars and the aliens and the completion of her task. And I’m not satisfied with THIS part either. Pike started talking about the light of the stars elevating Sita like four books ago, and we just have to invent so much of the rationale for how it works and why it works and whether these aliens have been assisting her all along in order to get any kind of fulfillment out of this part of the story. It very much smacks of something that just seemed cool back when being haphazardly flushed out in an attempt to build a new (and mostly unnecessary) story element that I just don’t like or believe.

It doesn’t really matter, because Sita goes ahead and undoes the whole series here rather than going back to the ship. She takes advantage of the hyper-light-whatever stage and goes back to when she was seven years old in ancient India and murders the original vampire in the womb, the way her father offered her the opportunity back then. I kinda get this — like, ugh, I just met time-traveling aliens and am going to have to go fix all kinds of ancient wrongs, lemme just get out of it the fastest way possible — but then, didn’t this whole process just make suffering through the evil Satanist for a second time totally worthless?

And if Sita no longer existed in her lengthy state, how did we get the stories? Seymour answers that for us: it seems he’s written the whole thing while feverish with his terminal AIDS, in a six-month marathon of typing that has been handed down to him from the ether. Which, to be fair, Pike said this is how he felt when he wrote these stories too. And it sort of makes sense that in order to end the series (which he said at the time he knew he had to, otherwise he’d only be writing about Sita for the rest of his life) (*cough*Thirst*cough*) he should kill the author.

But that’s The Last Vampire 6: Creatures of Forever. The title is more of a threat than Pike probably realized, but I appreciated him giving this a rest, at least until Stephenie Meyer made it feasible for him to make money again. As for us, we get a break for at least two months before we have to get back to Sita again. Maybe I’ll be ready to plunge in again when she comes back. For now? Get me out of here, star light aliens.