#and always wrote off OCD because i didn't know that what i was doing were compulsions

[charon-cries]

when OTHER people try to distract or comfort themselves, they call it "coping" and "self-soothing," but when i do it, it's a "mental compulsion" and "you have OCD"

[lestappenforever]

20 Questions for Fic Writers

Thank you so much for the tag, @lattesqueeze. 🥹

1. How many works do you have on AO3? 31! I used to have a lot more on my old account, but I deleted them all and the account ages ago.

2. What’s your total AO3 word count? 182,588 apparently. Jesus fuck, I did not realize it was that high.

3. Which fandoms do you write for? These days? Only F1 RPF, but I used to write for several others, including (but not limited to) Cut & Run, Men's Football RPF, McFly RPF, and Teen Wolf.

4. Which are your top 5 fics by kudos?

1. Devils Roll The Dice (Angels Roll Their Eyes) - My first Lestappen fic, my baby, my pride and joy

2. 19 Times The Grid Saved Lestappen (And One Time They Didn't Need To) - My first collab fic with the lovely Ilse (@f1writingbyme) 💕

3. Something Unholy - Lestappen lap dance/dirty talk PWP

4. Speak Now (Or Forever Hold Your Peace) - A personal Lestappen favorite

5. No Time For Regret (No Time For Sleep) - Lestappen PWP set after the 2023 Belgian Grand Prix

5. Do you reply to your comments? Why or why not? Yes, I do! I've made it my mission to reply to every single comment I get on my work, because the fact that there are people out there who not only read my work, but they also take the time to leave a comment, is such a huge deal to me and it makes me so happy. The least I can do is make sure they all get a reply.

6. Which of your fics has the angstiest ending? Ooof, I guess The Last Straw? The ending itself isn't the angstiest part of the fic, but the entire thing is angsty as hell.

7. Which of your fics has the happiest ending? I'd say most of my fics have happy endings, but the happiest? Probably Devils Roll The Dice (Angels Roll Their Eyes), or the first sequel Like Snow At The Beach (Weird, But Fucking Beautiful).

8. Do you get hate on your fics? Haven't gotten any hate so far on my current AO3 account! I used to get a bit of hate on my fics when I used to write for another fandom (1D, despite not being a 1D fan myself, I only wrote requests from other people) years ago, though, because back then there was apparently a "right or wrong way" to write fics, and there were always people who thought you were doing it wrong.

9. Do you write smut? I do. Admittedly, it's my least favorite thing to write, but I do write it.

10. Do you write crossovers? I've never tried, and I've never had an urge to so far.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen? Only one! (That I know of.) It was the first 1D fic I wrote and somebody tried to pass it off as their own. Didn't work very well for them.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated? Not yet, but I was actually contacted by a lovely person who wants to translate some of my F1 fics, which is a huge honor. So it's coming!

13. Have you ever co-written a fic? Yes, I have! I co-wrote a fic with an old friend back in my McFly obsession days, and I've co-written two Lestappen fics with my darling @f1writingbyme.

19 Times The Grid Saved Lestappen (And One Time They Didn't Need To), and Ride The Bull (Giddy Up, Partner).

14. What’s your all-time favourite ship? All-time? I honestly don't know if I can pick because all of my favorite ships have been my all-time favorite ship at the time I was hyperfixating on them. But, if I have to make a choice, I'd say it's a tie between Lestappen and Junes (Harry Judd/Danny Jones from McFly).

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish, but probably never will? Oh, man, I don't have one because my brain will not let me start a WIP without finishing it. Once I start writing something, my OCD and anxiety kicks in, and I just have to finish it. And if I can't finish it, I delete the whole thing and never think of it again. Which is both a blessing and a curse.

16. What are your writing strengths? Angst and endings, I think.

17. What are your writing weaknesses? Smut, without a doubt. Despite having written a fuckton of smut in my life, there is nothing that stresses me out more than when I get to the part in a fic where smut belongs. Reading back my own smut makes me cringe.

18. What are your thoughts on writing in other languages in fics? If it's done properly, I say go for it! I personally don't mind it at all and find it adds depth to a lot of work. Just make sure you use something other than Google Translate if you don't speak the language, and preferably check with someone who speaks the language, to make it as believeable to a native reader as possible.

19. What was the first fandom you ever wrote for? McFly. God, those were the days. I was a literal child back then.

20. What’s your favourite fic that you’ve written? Definitely Devils Roll The Dice (Angels Roll Their Eyes). Writing that fic altered my brain chemistry, and I can still remember how I felt writing the different chapters. And also 19 Times The Grid Saved Lestappen (And One Time They Didn't Need To), because that was just so fun from start to finish.

Tagging @f1writingbyme, @nico-di-genova, and @f1posting (and anyone else who wants to do this and hasn't already been tagged!).

[lifeinthegladhouse]

I feel like I'm not supposed to be sad that my dad is dead, because he was 73 which is a pretty average lifespan, and he had a whole life full of mistakes and life and all sorts of shit. But it's like, also, that doesn't matter to me because I wanted him to live longer, even though, I always felt like he'd be exactly 73 or 74 when he died, cos a lot of men do die at that age.

I don't wanna overthink it b/c OCD

I had a dream he wrote messages for me on a whiteboard and said he knew he was autistic now and that he was glad he could know before he died - and the way he wrote it was like maybe we'd talk about it at 11am the next day or something, like he didn't have long, but then he went the next day, so I stood in his house looking at the whiteboard.

I just googled how to mail his ashes back, and the photo of the box of his cremains with his name on a label hit a little differently.

I could hear my dad saying, "I know, sweetie." sadly with his hand on my shoulder...

I started T 2 years ago today. I knew at that time, his health was getting worse again, and it was only a matter of time, all of which I could not control. But I didn't know in less than those 2 years, he'd be gone. He told me I looked strong when I saw him, before he became nonverbal, like the last real day that we could talk, which felt like his last "real" day in the world, he asked me jokingly if I was going to join the marines because I have a big ole traditional/Japanese crossover style tattoo (of ravens on my arm) (they kinda look like hawks or eagles or something tho lol) and I didn't understand that he was joking and being serious at the same time kind of.

That same night, when I was out of the room getting him water, my partner talked to him, and it was the first time I think that he truly accepted that we'd probably get married (I mean it's been SIX years together!) and I forget what he said but I think he had kind of verbally said something to her like... he knew.

He could be so mean, and such an asshole, but I still wish he wasn't dead. My life is better off without this horrible thing looming over me, the "what if I die" or the constant struggles of him not being able to pay the bills or running from debt or getting into insane situations with women but... it still feels lonely. When I'm in a bind I think about him. He was not very helpful if I needed advice, and not always comforting, and it's hard to comfort someone with OCD but... I find it comforting now.

I think about how the very moments he passed, I knew, if I tell him his parents and his son are waiting for him, he will go. And he did. My voice was the last thing he heard, which is what he wanted, and we were lucky we caught him in that moment, and I knew that...somehow... that was what I needed to say. And now that he's gone, I know, someday, I will be thinking of him and Gene, and everyone else I will lose, when I'm dying, too. I just wish I didn't have to understand all of this so soon, at this age, it feels like a crime, but then again, it happens to a lot of people and in a fucked up way, a healthy life where you have a big family and nobody dies too early is a big ole western myth.

My dad lost his dad sooner than I lost him, by a few years, and he didn't get to say goodbye I don't think. I don't know. I never quite asked in that way. But I think that's how it went, and dad didn't want that for me.

[sunshinechildskywalker]

20 questions for fic writers

Hi, friends! I was tagged by the forever-incredible @ladyvader23- thanks for the tag, my friend!

1. How many works do you have on A03?

I have 12 works and counting!

2. What's your total A03 word count?

67,866 words (woah! More than I realized!)

3. What fandoms do you write for?

I write primarily for Star Wars, but also write for Harry Potter, Hunger Games, and believe it or not, the Simpsons! Sideshow Bob sparked something in my bestie and I that kicked off a year of non-stop Google Doc sharing and squee comments on each other's works XD

4. What are your top five fics by kudos?

Grounded (578)

L & V One Shots & Ficlets (554)

Convalescence (278)

Tortured Soul (191)

Come With Me (159)

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I sure do! I always try to respond with a least a "omg thank you!!!" or something of the like to show my appreciation. I wish I could go more in-depth for them all, and I do for the really long ones, but I end up not always having the time or energy to pay each comment the response it deserves. As always, thank you to everyone who has commented on my stuff!

6. What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

It's actually one I haven't posted yet (nor finished, and that's one I def want to be done before I post it). To give you context without too many spoilers, basically it's an alternate ending to ROTJ in which Vader doesn't die...but Luke does. I've been writing it on and off since my freshman year of high school and am excited about it, but damn, it's so hard to write because it makes me so sad!

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Probably Grounded! That was the first one I ever posted (during my first week of senior year of high school!) I feel like that one wrapped up nicely.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

Once in a great while. Most of the hate comments I receive are digs on my characterization of Vader. One time I got a negative comment on a oneshot that I specified was part of a larger story I would recommend reading beforehand, and the commenter didn't understand why Vader was written the way he was, when in actuality, it had a lot to do with his development in the larger story. That one was a detailed hate comment and was hard to shake, but I'm learning how to let them roll off my back.

On a side note, this is partly why I don't ask for constructive criticism; I have OCD and fixate on even little comments people make that could possibly be construed as negative, real life included. I'm working on how to let them go and look at the facts before I run off with some wild tale about how someone hates me for sure. I'm growing and learning how to manage, but like I said in my AO3 A/Ns, OCD is a bitch ;)

9. Do you write smut?

Sure do XD It's pretty much all Skysolo (which you will see in an upcoming Skysolo story I'm almost done with *wink wink* ;))

10. Do you write crossovers?

I haven't before, but I'm entertaining the idea of some kind of Star Wars/Harry Potter type thing. To be completely honest, it's inspired by the Sims I made in Sims 4 lol XD. I had my HP Sims meet my Star Wars Sims and it was so funny to see how they all interacted. Luna immediately grabbed a book off of Leia's bookshelf, Anakin began cooking dinner, and Harry and Luke were talking privately in a separate room from the group- I like to imagine they were talking about how hard it is to be "the hero" and have the world literally depending on you. If I do end up writing this, I'll be sure to post XD *cue Spongebob's "when worlds collide" lol*

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I know of, so hopefully that answer is no.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

No, but would be open to working with someone to translate!

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Yes! Nothing I've posted, but I co-write Simpsons stuff with my real life bestie. Sideshow Bob has us in a chokehold XD

14. What's your all-time favourite ship?

I love Skysolo and always will, but I think Finnick and Annie from Hunger Games takes the cake for me. I could go on, but the way they've both been through similar trauma and care for one another gets me big time. And Finnick is one of my all-time favorite characters, so I'm a little bias XD

15. What's the WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

Tbh, both of my Whumptobers lol. I bit off more than I could chew both years between that and school, work, life. Hopefully I'll plan a little better this year and will be able to finish!

16. What are your writing strengths?

I think I write hurt/comfort well, and it sounds weird, but I write crying pretty well too lol. I think I'm getting better at imagery and sentence structure too.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

I struggle with writing action, and I tend to write run-on sentences. I'm hoping to work on this for future fics!

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

I haven't done this personally, but I have a lot of respect for others who do. I think it's wild people can speak a whole other language period, but using that language in all its differences stylistically to tell a story? Absolutley amazing.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Hunger Games! I wrote Finnick becoming like a big brother for Prim after the war (flash back to me furiously typing out hurt/comfort scenes on my ipod notes in middle school LOL XD)

20. Favourite fic you've ever written?

I have a special place in my heart for Convalescence; I live for that kind of hurt/comfort and angst, and I'm excited to finish it.

Thanks for reading if you did! I'll tag @spell-cleaver and @starr234, but don't feel obligated if this doesn't interest you!

May the Force be with you, friends!!!

[the-acid-pear]

Y'know I do wonder what it says about me how I went from venting frustrations by having X being X to putting L.L. on a blender. I mean undeniably part of it is tied to my ever growing anxiety, hell, you'd argue there's parallels to be drawn between current L.L. treatment and Juan's when I was in highschool (there's so much that I daydreamed about yet never became canon but that guy christ my poor guy 😭) and y'all know how I was in highschool aka miserable and also very scared of real things (had to walk on eggshells always) but also non real things (I was tripping balls and a man with corpse paint is hiding behind my bathroom curtain ready to kill me‼️ among other things) but that still doesn't quite explain what prompted X to be made. What was I going thru that was so exclusive to that moment it didn't happen before or after? Bc X while eventually getting the blender treatment too (that's just my ocd tbf that I understand easily I'm a guilty guilty man and I need to fuel my own guiltiness by doing more bad tm things) he's usually the one pushing others in it. Hell the sheer fact he exists and the reason why he's called X is bc I didn't want to use L.L. for the story I originally wrote of him - just had to save this as a draft could you imagine I forget I hit post limit and lose this entire thing? - and named him X as a sort of place holder. He also is EXCLUSIVE referred as X there too to give him pronouns was too personal (I still use x/xs for him occasionally but way less). And it's not like L.L. doesn't have a few crimes under their belt they've pushed people in blenders too they've had mayor arcs about this in fact even all the way back to Japan their very first place this was present and that was a symptom of Thing in fact when L.L. spoke there they were referencing them who was violent and proud but L.L. was Ashamed of this violence and yes this is present with X too but where on earth did this overwhelming urge to enact it came from? Because I Am a violent man that I won't deny lately especially the urges to break bones and throw shit are overwhelming but not as much as when I walked down the streets daydreaming of every possible way I'd have to kill someone with the coldness of someone who is expecting this to happen (while not past the age of 16 and younger). Though I suppose Sheina WAS a vehicle for this too just like X let's not forget she did torture 4 ppl for a long while and that scene was written twice no less.

I guess there was always a side of... A taste for creative violence in me as far as I have memory and Sheina and X are symptoms of this even L.L. too but I guess I just have burnout? LMAO yeah maybe it's as simple as that. I did know a lot of me spiraling is a need to convince myself it's bad enough to allow myself to feel this. Maybe this whole thing is as simple as . Got distracted thinking of other things remember there was a Point to X character development that I was supposed to change? Which is a thing in universe too bc i never changed and neither did him he just turned it down? And it's now nothing but just another thing that happens that people don't question because X learnt to behave? Worth saying too X was a bit of a show off like when he had to stop originally was his own fault for literally telling L.L. and Can about it which directly affected them both. It really is all about doing bad things only to experience consequences except X wasn't guilty ORIGINALLY. Which is funnier than it's interesting. Although in his base story you can see him slowly get softer and softer.

I'm losing track but I feel they're both a form of downward spiral. But with X there was a whole Climax. There's never that with L.L. . X was an attempt to take control in a time where I had none while L.L. is just a cry for help and portrait of the absurdity of it all. It's also an escape from control itself too, you'd say. Perhaps represents my reality in that sense. It's that paralyzing uncertainty of isolation in dependency. It also it's a legit reflection of me Forgetting I can take control of situations after all until now only Once in modern time has L.L. done so. (They killed a guy. They mangled the shit out of him. They came to work shaking covered in blood. But irl realizing yes that is an option there is a way out was such a great relief.) But there's also the Consequences and the rammys which tie back to what I said before about the paralyzing nature.

And thing which is funnier than everything else is: fuckin what will happen to L.L., huh? Like not only bc I'm writing the story but even in universe. They've killed like 4 people (2 relatives 2 strangers, maybe even more I forgot about too) they don't even exist legally they love going to prison. Nothing is more dangerous to them than their own lack of self confidence.

I seriously don't know where this overwhelming upsetness and... Lack of confidence yeah animal fear and all came from. They were always here but when did they overpower else? Where did this weakness and I mean that in the most literal sense of it too weak like an overworked muscle.

Got distracted again but I guess it's similar to X too like this seeking of a climax of this big turning point except not at all there was that L.L. literally tried to kill themselves and it was a remarkable deal but then it became standard bc Yeah.

Maybe it's like AJJ said and I deserve displeasure and I really want to cry and I think you should spit on my face because I am a werewolf.

I think that's the best I can do for a conclusion idk what I'm saying anymore spent a whole hour or so typing this.

Though it's worth saying I did start thinking of this bc the X gene if you will the Xeske nature never left me it's just buried deeper.

I feel the issue is I keep trying to reach for a happy ending I keep walking down nails waiting for something good to be on the other side but I have no idea what it looks like.

Siiigh alright I'm done typing now it's 1 am ok. Sad conclusion. Though it's not like X had any sort of happy ending already stablished my man is still doing the same. But he did meet other things. He did manage to find some peace after trying and trying again. I guess L.L. is just experiencing the hopelessness I am. I mean the face ripping off thing that was just a real mental breakdown. Arc words too nothing ever changes when they peaked from under their arms and showed what was a single eye and goopy messy blood.

So I guess it's as simple as L.L. gets blended because I don't have the strength for malice I just want thing to get better but can't find a way out. X was for digging a tunnel L.L. is for failing the climbing class.

[aaronwarner]

this is so out of the blue but i saw your post from ages ago about coballoway and their sex life and i completely agree idek if you care about them anymore but i can't deal w everyone acting like kbr are such great writers i wish they were written by someone who can actually you know write well because even things like rose's ocd and connor being a "genius" had their cringe moments

omg.... YES. I'm literally down to talk about this and many aspects about their writing and characters WHENEVER, so you're welcome to come any time.

I had to dig up for that post to remind myself what I wrote, but I think you mean this one?

It's not clear to me if you're coming from a place of love or hate for coballoway, but from me it's love. They're my fave couple and characters from the series. And tbh to me they were pretty amazing, iconic and awe-inspiring since the beginning. But then, when they got their own book, these terrible authors just didn't know what to do with them so they leaned hard on what they thought made them "quirky", and became really repetitive, because that's all they know how to do. Rose is an ice queen with a feminist heart of gold? we'll make 70% of her dialogues remind you that. Connor is a narcissistic genius who's often complaining that God takes credit from him? BRILLIANT! That's what our readers liked about them so make sure to repeat that every two pages so they don't forget for a second-

Don't get me wrong, those traits were what i loved about them and there were many other layers that were shown about them (less often, for sure, and not done as well as they SHOULD HAVE), and that's why, in spite of the shitty stuff, I still love them too much, but these authors just fucking upped the level up to 150% on repeating all those same "traits" scene by scene bc they don't know how to create decent content aside from what they've initially established. And don't even get me started on how their actual important traits are brushed off like Rose's ocd and connor's sexuality.

And to that.... we add the fact that rose and connor are into b*sm and dom/sub shit. And how that was supposed to be "iconic" bc they're rose and connor and that's "hot". Let's always emphazise how "groundbreaking" (not) it is that we have a female protagonist that is a boss bitch in life but a sub in the bedroom. And don't forget that damn dirty talk bc every time they have sex, connor will remind the reader that he's a narcissistic asshole so they "fuck like winners". Well, fuck no, my guy. Cringy af.

Literally if they had just had the repetitive personality traits stuff I would've given it a pass. But the damn cringy sex quotes that literally every coballoway fan quotes??? hell no, burn that shit down.

I'm also never gonna give it a pass bc i know these authors gave less shits about these two characters than anything else, so instead of actually working hard on thinking how their sex life could add more layers to their already-deep, developing relationship, they just decided to go the easy route and make them even more quirky just for a shock factor and smut. No, it's not hot, it's not iconic, it's just lazy writing.

[o-wyrmlight]

do you have any madeleine and espresso head canons from your au? i’d love to hear them!

Ahh boy oh boy uhhm--headcanons, headcanons--it's really hard to come up with headcanons off the bat without any prompts or questions, but let's see...

Some trigger warnings, noted after I wrote this all out: Trauma, implied exposure to parental domestic violence, trauma caused by parents, self-neglect, and I think that's it. Please let me know if I'm overestimating the tags or if I'm missing something, because I might be.

Madeleine and Espresso met when they were kids. I don't have a concrete age for either of them during that time, but it was before puberty.

Madeleine went by she/her pronouns because he's afab! He didn't fully realize he was trans until sometime when they were teenagers. Madeleine kept his name because a) it's a nice name b) his mom named him that and c) he's comfortable accepting the girl he used to be as a part of his life that existed.

Espresso knew his friend was trans before Madeleine did. Neither of them knew what the word was for the longest time, though.

In terms of 'keeping in contact' with people, Espresso's the kind of person who finds it difficult to do so, and Madeleine's the kind of person who's more proactive about it.

Madeleine is. The person that Espresso hangs out the most with, second only to himself. Madeleine is the only one who's willing to tolerate Espresso's snarky behavior, mostly because he knows it's a factor of how Espresso grew up.

Suddenly I'm debating on if Espresso might be OCD. I'll need to do research about it if so. I do know that Espresso is a perfectionist and a workaholic, and that's largely because his parents always had very high expectations for him.

You may think that Espresso is Madeleine's impulse control. You would be wrong.

The two of them are absolute nerds. Madeleine is obsessed with the ocean and Espresso loves talking about his research. They info dump to each other a lot. Madeleine jokes about them using Espresso's pressurized machines to make aquariums for deep sea fish. It's great.

Espresso is... very bad at taking care of himself. Not only when it comes to sleep, but also (sometimes) lab safety, food, hygiene, and Everything Else. If Madeleine were gone, he'd be so badly off.

...Oh. That's right. Madeleine did leave. ...Twice. ...Go figure.

Seriously though, Madeleine acts as a sort of anchor to Espresso. Madeleine is the unstoppable force to his immovable object. He's the javelin that never breaks to Espresso's uncrackable shield. He's the car that--yeah no you get it. Espresso's dependent.

...Oh. My god. Espresso has a dependent personality disorder. It makes so much sense like with so much pressure from your parents who essentially have your life mapped out for you, you're always doing what someone else tells you to do, how the fuck can you learn to have agency when--I'm going to stop now but this is a very interesting revelation.

I don't know if they live together. They probably do, but it'd be harder for Madeleine to be able to go about his business threatening the Creme Republic if that were the case. But, then again... wouldn't that make it more... interesting?

Espresso is aware of Madeleine's parental issues. What he's not aware of is exactly how badly it fucked Madeleine up.

Espresso is also not aware of how badly his own parents fucked him up.

Espresso got straight As in school, and Madeleine's grades ranged from C-A depending on how interested he was in the subject and how much he liked the teachers.

Funny thing! Madeleine comes from a line of paladins! They expected him to become a paladin and were very displeased when he became a fisherman instead. They sort of cut him off for a while until he disappeared and came back home after he decided to become a paladin.

Espresso lowkey thought it was so cool that Madeleine decided to become a fisherman instead of follow what his family wanted him to do. Because it is cool. Hell yeah, Madeleine. You go, you funky little lad, you.

They just get along so well. When people think they're arguing they're really having a banter. Or they're doing it on purpose to make people think they're arguing. If Espresso weren't ace, he and Madeleine would make a great couple.

Espresso's cis but he's chill.

This has... pretty much become Espresso headcanons. But you know what? Good for him. I don't talk about Espresso enough. And I need to talk about him more. Snarky little shit. I love him.

If there's anything more specific you'd like to know, feel free to ask me! Even if I don't have an answer immediately, it'll help me get a better handle on their characters regardless!

[one-last-puku]

I also saw the post that Beemoov seems to confirm that Love Life is ending soon.

I just get this sinking feeling it's ending for good this time. I saw my mcl life flash before my eyes and that's not a good sign.

Admittedly, what more is there to do with Candy's story now? What are they going to do now? Sure, they could have her get married and have kids, but a lot of people really aren't behind that and for me, what's the point? I'm personally not that maternal either(by myself that is), myself and it's not even with Ken.

I mean, due to the fact Ken has been killed off for nearly 3 years now, I've been able to step back and see the story for what it is as a story. There just isn't much there, in my opinion and with Beemoov, I can't see them making marriage and having kids interesting. I dunno.

I mean, as for me, since losing Ken and my real life love, I've just... lost the energy for otomes in general. These days I much prefer fantasy or even sci-fi, but Eldarya just doesn't cut it for me, especially since none of the available choices catch my eye or seem my type. I dunno, I'm just tired. I used to get so excited to play MCL, I always looked forward to seeing Ken again. It felt like he was real in his own way, y'know? I just liked the everyday, domestic feel of Highschool life. Sure, I love drama and sex, but my gosh, it's just... so unimactful in Love Life (I didn't get far in University Life.), it's just stress and stress and stress and not fun most of the time.

If My Candy Love were to become fresh again, there needs to be a new, innovative, coat of paint to bring energy to the game. Perhaps new mechanics, new ways to play, maybe do more than just a visual novel, but they just don't care about innovation anymore. They seem to only care about how it can generate money, how it can be comparable to other similar games. You can't even freaking play an episode when it comes out without visiting the bank. Holy shit, you can't play a whole episode when it comes out, much less replay like they expect you to do, without paying out the wazoo. Holy moly, I've said it before, but the player base isn't stupid, it won't generate anything but frustrated and unhappy players to be so blatantly not free to play. Not to mention, it's all a trick! The whole episodes, if you calculate it, are not WORTH the amount it costs to play them.

Sure, you can trick people into paying for bland, tasteless, uninspired episodes, but at what fucking cost!? No one truly enjoys playing like they used to. Even people who love the new LIs, ask yourself, are you really happy playing the game when it's not the rare romantic occasion with said LI? Maybe some of the drama is a bit interesting, but aren't we just grasping for something to hold onto?

We have given suggestions on how to better help them make the earnings, but they insist their master marketing plan is fool proof. I don't know about anyone else, but this is miserable. I'm trying so hard to enjoy little plot scraps that seem mildly entertaining like the police side stories, because I've loved this game for so long, but I'm miserable.

I'm miserable because I used to have so much fun in the community, mods used to be heard, the team even seemed to have more fun and enjoyed creating for the game. Everything is so rushed, it seems that perhaps they have fun with yearly events, and even I enjoy those, but now it all feels so grey and corporate. We used to have a connection with the game team, but over the years they've insisted on distancing themselves from the players. I get where it's come from, but something must be done, or it's just over from then on. It'll never blossom again.

I'm just tired, I ended up getting a bit spirited in the end and now my thoughts are all jumbled, so I aught to end it here, but I just wanted to share my feelings.

Everything just feels so wrong now. Everything feels so dead and stale.

Edit: Admittedly, yes, there are some things that I've enjoyed, but just... let me have this rant this time without having to OCD police and quintuple check what I wrote to clarify every possible avenue to cover my tracks of missing something and the psychological warfare.

[wouldnt-it-be-hilarious-if-i]

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Currently listening to: 100 years by Five For Fighting

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Thinking about this poem I wrote in 2016. It's very timely. I really always had the answers, didn't I? I like the line where I say, "Come back to the world, stop loving her and love yourself."

And the line where I say, "When you see her fire burning your heart away, shoo it. Pour water on it and tell it to go." The hurricane references a girl I really loved when I was younger. We used to quote John Green to each other, "If people were rain, I was drizzle and she was a hurricane." I was always the drizzle.

I wish I could say I wish I'd have listened to my own advice sooner, but I think that's a naive thing to say.

I think knowing is different from accepting.

I always knew I needed to love myself more. But I couldn't accept it because I had never learned how. I wasn't in an environment fit for growth and self love.

Now, I think I'm getting closer to an era of self love. I saw a TikTok earlier that was talking about how healing and growth aren't about becoming the perfect versions of ourselves. It's about loving every version of ourselves, even the ones that we think are hard to handle or love.

It made me think about my best friend. We both refer to me as a swamp monster because I live in absolute filth either when I'm in a very creative season or a several weeks long depressive episode. Some of my other friends call me a goblin.

I try really hard to appear as if I know what is going on, but I'm generally confused as hell and distracted halfway through any given moment. I am never as put together as I appear. I'll say I'm the happiest I've ever been and just straight up forget about the massive crying panic attack I had like two hours before that over a hypothetical problem I created in my head. I forget that I am simultaneously unmedicated and mentally ill and doing better often.

My room is never, and I do mean never, in a state of organization unless I am trying very hard to Be Normal About Things or I'm Turning Over A New Leaf (that will last about a week at best). I'm actually really gross, and I'm very insecure about it. I'll never be one of those girls who has a skincare regimen that they stick to every night or who wake up, smell like magic and pixie dust and then get everything done before 9 am.

But even more than that, I'm generally just really freaking anxious and depressed. Most people who meet me are surprised to learn this. They see me as sunny and put together and sure of what I plan to do next.

And I'm never any of those things without all of the fear and doubt and tears behind it. I am constantly dealing with crippling self doubt and hatred. Knowing all of this about myself, I genuinely never thought anyone could possibly love me if they knew the real me. My parents always told me so: For example, "You'd have such pretty lips if you didn't pick them. Nobody will ever want to kiss you with those crackhead lips." (That's an OCD trait, and it goes hand in hand with my trichotillomania. I pull my hair out often, and it's another thing I'm insecure about.)

I tend to lie about who I really am. I don't tell people that I peel the skin off of my lips until they bleed all over my fingers until they see it. I don't tell people that the reason I don't wear makeup is not just because I'm allergic to most of it, but because I don't want people to be disappointed when they see how I really look. I don't tell people that sometimes I sleep with dozens of half finished bottles of sprite and candy wrappers in my bed because I'll go weeks forgetting that I'm living in a space and that mess does accumulate into a mountain if you don't take care of it. Hello, ADHD.

I'll always tell people about all the things I can do and carefully arrange myself to seem a lot less confused than I am. Sometimes, rather than admit that I fucked up, I'll lie and blame things that did not happen because I'm terrified of getting into trouble with others for disappointing them. I hate lying. But damn, I do it a lot when it comes to making sure no one ever knows these things about me.

I never thought anyone could possibly love me if they knew the real me. And then I met my best friend and she taught me otherwise. She's seen every side of me, and has never once made me feel bad about it. She's heard my scariest, most traumatic intrusive thoughts and loved me regardless. She's seen my room at my worst (poor girl has been a bit shaken, but she's good now I promise 😂) and me in the depths of some of the worst depressive episodes of my life and she's held me through them.

And I knew she meant that she loved me no matter what when after I started taking antidepressants, my family didn't care at all that I was happier. But she hugged me and cried a little because she had not seen me smile in months.

She told me that she missed me while I was gone. She knew I was still there behind those depressive episodes, but she missed the me that belts out songs off key and serenades her with old Justin Bieber songs. And that was when I realized that through all my depressive episodes, she had been there. To comfort me. To love me. To make art with me. To pull me back from letting it consume me entirely.

She literally taught me what it means to be unconditionally loved outside of familial obligation. And she's part of the bigger reasons why I believe that I am capable of not only healing, but learning to love myself unconditionally.

I think meeting her was a step toward teaching my higher self. I really think almost everyone since her has been.

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[kissimirrit]

Could you Do 1,4,7,14 for the Ask Meme

:DD yessssss!!!!

this got kinda long so i'll put it under a read-more!

1. Tell us about your current project(s)  – what’s it about, how’s progress, what do you love most about it?

SO i technically have 2 current active WIPs, and few very very rudimentary rough notes for other ideas. so i'll focus on the two currently active:

project 1: i started this first and i planned for it to actually be my first multi-chapter fic, since before then i exclusively wrote one-shots. it's currently on hiatus because after starting it i got 1 and a half additional jobs and i had also started project 2 after i finished chapter 1 of it as a small side project (it did not stay small.) but basically it's a fake dating au. i love fake dating aus they are my favorite aus. but i like them in the sort of way where like, nothing really changes? nobody is surprised? and they don't even need to "act"? they just be themselves and then they just don't change anything after because honestly what was the point. they're practically fuckin married. progress wise, i have some rough notes for it, but i haven't started on chapter 2 yet because i have OCD and my brain needs me to finish project 2 first. but what i love most about it is that i can go ham with water and drowning metaphors. sink or swim bitches; and that it has a completely different title on my google docs than on AO3 — it's AO3 title was spur of the moment.

project 2: i started this at the start of december more or less. it was going to be a SHORT ONE-SHOT, like under 10k!! and then it kept. growing. and now it's over 10k and it's still in the super-duper beginning. and i'm beginning to think that maybe this is going to be my first multi-chapter fanfic because i can't drop 50k and go "lol here's a one-shot". i mean i COULD but everyone would hate that. it was progressing really fast until i got overloaded on my 3 jobs for the holiday season. and things are finally kinda slowing down now (at least until my caseworker starts scheduling me so i have 0 days off again). but it's more or less about a character realizing they're trans in the early 2000s, which is just a little bit before when i realized i was trans, so very similar time periods back when trans stuff was very very much less known. and what i love the most is that like, i'm writing from the perspective of a character whom i very much see as having OCD and gender dysphoria, and i have those things? and it's super fucking cathartic to write out these things that i, too, experience? the intrusive thoughts, the magical thinking, doing things a specific number of times or repeatedly doing it until the final time feels right, the mental rituals, the compulsions that itch and itch until you DO them and your mind goes at ease once more — it's just something i'm finding to be incredibly cathartic to write.

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4. Share a sentence or paragraph from your writing that you’re really proud of (explain why, if you like)

absolutely revealing my ass here with this one (yes i keep my google docs bg beige — it helps with writing!!!!!! shuddup!!!!) but i liked how soft and romantic these lines were? but i'm gonna let you in on a secret: my brain always goes to clay and bridges and architecture when it comes to trying to write anything romantic. i am aro. i am ace. i only know 3 things: clay. bridges. architecture.

i liked this one so much that i color-coded it as a reminder to myself to make it the ao3 summary.

ok, these next few are all from the same doc.

*slams OCD and gender dysphoria together*. i liked how snappy these lines were, really getting across the magical thinking aspect and counting compulsions tying in together, with a "special number" (3). this specific thing was pulled directly from me, from the time my dad was late by an hour from picking me up from my first job when i was a teen, and i recounted the tiles over and over again. telling myself if it was an odd number, he'd come get me, that he didn't get in a crash. the number kept coming out even and i kept recounting. i picked 3 as a "special number" for this character because i noticed they kinda do things in 3s a lot, mumbles to himself in 3s, that sort've thing.

there's another line that kinda reflects the whole magical thinking into compulsions thing that comes before this (i didn't wanna screencap it): "—and found himself repolishing the door knobs at no one’s request, but because he felt compelled to after seeing his thumb leave a cloudy imprint on the surface and thought that if he didn’t clean it right now then his father might have another workplace accident that once again prevented them both from coming home."

everything is OCD.

i just liked how these ones were written. [:

ok no more i'm stopping myself here. any more and i might as well just link you the entire google doc.

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7. What do you think are the characteristics of your personal writing style? Would others agree?

cheesy overblown purple prose. extended metaphors. flowery. [noun] [conjunction] [adjective] [period or comma] [synonym of adjective]. "oh."

would others agree? i dunno! i've only just recently have been overcoming my own shame in sharing my writing. most people, friends included, don't know what works i've written aside from the 1 single thing that i didn't publish anonymously. so who's to say?

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14. At what point in writing do you come up with a title?

immediately. i feel like i can't write if i don't have a perfect title, or a potential pool of titles picked out i can confidently choose from? i feel like a title is what sets the tone for my writing and if i'm not feeling that tone, i struggle to get into a groove or a writing trance that i can just go beastmode in.

i have a google doc i keep ideas for fic titles in. and i almost always pull titles from song lyrics. and when i write down notes for fics in my phone notes (i always do it in my phone notes because they just come at me while i'm trying to sleep) potential titles are ALWAYS the first thing i list.

(these are for 2 different fics btw. yes i know a lot of the possible titles are the same. i like to reuse potential titles in case one of them sticks.)

yes the title for that one has to be an egg joke.