#i had been trying to figure myself out since i was maybe 14?

[charon-cries]

when OTHER people try to distract or comfort themselves, they call it "coping" and "self-soothing," but when i do it, it's a "mental compulsion" and "you have OCD"

[ame-to-ame]

there are things that you don't do for a year or more and pick up just right where you left off and these days i fear loving you might be one of them

[fandomscraziness22]

when you're questioning whether or not you're autistic....and then also this whole asexuality idea comes along???? anyone want to figure out my identity for me and just inform me of the correct answer?

[rinniessance]

DADDY'S FAVORITE GIRL ༊*·˚ - step dad!gojo x fem!reader

going away for college, the last thing you expected to come back to in the summer is a new step-dad. and you do not like the dangerous glint in his eyes every time he looks at you.

꒰ warnings: nsfw - dark content - mdni .ᐟ.ᐟ non-curse au. step dad!gojo, stepcest, age difference (reader is implied to be 21, gojo is in his late 30s), dubcon, gaslighting, manipulation, cheating, heavy daddy kink, so many pet names (babygirl, pretty, doll, princess etc.), slight dacraphyllia, slight overstimulation, breeding kink, unprotected sex, virginity loss, corruption kink. plot is kinda messy 'cause i was rushing to get to the smut, sowwy ໒꒰ྀིっ˕ -｡꒱ྀི১ // word count: 5.1k ꒱ ꒰ notes: i am freely being my most disgusting self, thank you for supporting my little insane brain .ᐟ.ᐟ꒱

going away for college, the last thing you expected to come back to during summer break is a new step-dad. ever since your parents divorced when you were 14, your mom has been single – your teenage years, she dedicated herself to you, protecting you from your scumbag father, focusing on your future. you even agreed to delay your college admittance until you were 20, taking two gap years after your high school to stay at your hometown with her. your mom has the worst case of separation anxiety – which is why maybe you should’ve been more concerned when she gradually stopped texting you as the days went on. you assumed the best – maybe she found a hobby, maybe she reconnected with old friends, maybe she finally realized you are an adult and stopped babying you every waking moment. what you did not expect is for her to get married.

these are the thoughts running through you head as you stand in the middle of your living room, fresh out the airport, gawking at the man sleeping on the couch, and wonder how the fuck that happened. you would’ve honestly screamed and thought this was a squatter, or a robber, if not for all the wedding pictures obnoxiously decorating almost every available surface (god, how many photos do you need?). you try not to think too much about it – the flight was 6 hours, you barely got any sleep sitting to the smelliest man on the planet, and you just want to take a shower and go to bed. just as you start walking off, the front door swings open.

“oh my god, sweetheart, you’re home!” your mom’s voice booms through the quiet room resonating like a thunderclap in the middle of a still field. she runs to you, immediately pulling you into a hug which you happily return. you’re genuinely delighted to see her, albeit feeling a little weirded out by a man she decided to bring home. your mother looks over to the couch, man’s sleeping figure not moving once, and sighs with exasperation. “i assume he didn’t pick you up?”

“no but it’s okay…” you whisper quietly and gesture towards the figure on the couch with your head, “about that, though…”

“yeah, honey, i know, i am sorry i didn’t tell you. everything has been happening so quickly, i haven’t even had time to process it myself!” she squealed like a school girl. “his name is satoru gojo and we met at the charity event i went to six months ago.”

“since when do you attend charity events?” you ask, quirking the brow upwards.

“oh, i didn’t know what to do with myself ever since you moved out so i’ve been trying anything and everything. and look, the results have been phenomenal!” she giggled, frustration she had towards her husband about not picking you up melting away in front of your eyes. god, he really had her wrapped around his finger.

“okay, well, i am kind of tired so i wanted to go to bed. is it okay if we talk about this tomorrow?”

your mom suddenly looks down at her feet, a little embarrassed. what did she do.

“yes, about that… that room was sitting unutilized the whole time you were away so satoru and i thought it would be a good idea to remake it into a home office, kind of. your bed is still in there though! so you can sleep in the room no problem.”

“mom, what the fuck…” you whine. not only your room with all your memories and all your personality was gone and demolished, you now have to sleep in the room that was most likely used by him. “home office” my ass, you thought – your mom would not need it in a million years, and by the way she’s avoiding your gaze in shame, it was definitely not her idea.

“i’m sorry baby, but you’ve been away and…”

you interrupt her with a wave of your hand.

“whatever, i’m too tired to think about it. i’ll take a shower and go to bed, i don’t wanna deal with him until tomorrow,” you sigh with frustration and walk off into your home office, dropping your things on the floor.

what you don’t see as you walk off is the dangerous glint in satoru’s eyes as he listens to every bits of your conversation. you said the last sentence with so much poison, he thinks it might’ve struck him dead. gojo knows it will be difficult to get on your good side now but he likes to play these games on hard mode.

oh, you will be so much fun to break.

gojo satoru is a patient man – when he really wants something, he is content to wait until he gets it. that being the main reason why he approaches you slowly. it’s the next day after you arrive that he has a chance to introduce himself properly.

you leave the room after having the best night’s sleep – you really didn’t mind waking up in the office today, you must’ve been too tired to think straight and threw a fit yesterday. you make a mental note to apologize to your mom later. as you turn into the kitchen, you’re met with the view you wish did not have such a strong effect on you – your step-dad, freshly out of the shower, grey sweatpants low riding on his hips, is preparing what seems to be breakfast.

you’re so fucked.

you try to shake off the feeling of arousal washing over you. you may not have had a chance to have any sexual experiences yet, but you’re not that much of a virgin not to know when you’re feeling horny. you just wish it wasn’t due to the incredibly hot step-dad. the left-over frustration from previous night bubbles up like over spilled champagne and you decide to keep your distance. anger helps you keep yourself grounded, and you maneuver around the man to make breakfast, but you see that he prepared it for you already.

“oh, thank you,” you say quietly as he extends the plate to you.

“you’re very welcome, sweetheart.”

the nickname sends a shiver down your spine.

gojo turns to face you and gives you his breathtaking smile. you want to choke on your toast.

“i wanted to apologize for not picking you up yesterday. your mom told me so much about you, and i was excited to meet her ‘favorite girl’,” his eyes spark with a dangerous glint at the nickname, making you shrink into yourself, “but my work held me up, and then i think i went for a quick nap and… uh… ended up falling asleep,” he says with a light chuckle.

“that’s okay, i didn’t really mind the train ride,” you respond with visible discomfort,

he now stands next to you by the counter, his body heat palpable, melting over you like a scorching son. gojo’s all-teeth smile is gorgeous, frustratingly enough, but it makes your skin crawl: like a prey walking into the carefully designed trap, you can feel your gut asking you to run. it makes sense your mom fell for him so easily.

“will you let me make up for it? let’s go our for a dinner, i’m sure your mom would be delighted to hear we’re trying to get along.”

“i don’t know, i haven’t seen my friends in some time, i think i’ll be hanging out with them for a while,” you shuffle from leg to leg, trying to move away

“that’s okay, we have a whole summer ahead.”

for some reason it felt more like a threat than a promise.

you smile politely back, not knowing what to say, rushing to finish your breakfast. the image of your step-dad, half-naked in your family kitchen talking to you about his plans with you for the whole summer should be weird – it’s difficult to find it weird when the said step-dad is criminally hot, unfortunately.

“i think i’ll go now, thanks for the breakfast,” gojo’s gives you a smile so sweet, it somehow triggers a toothache, and waves you off. since yesterday, he’s been making you feel extremely on edge for no apparent reason, it’s driving you a little insane.

when you come back home that evening, you are greeted by both your mom and satoru with the dinner ready. she babbles about how great of a cook he is, and that she can’t wait until you try it. you politely decline citing that you’re full and quickly leave for your room – satoru’s blue eyes were looking at you with almost an animalistic stare, and you hated that you liked it.

gojo thought things were going well with you – he’s given you the space you need in the first two weeks after you arrived. your mom was overjoyed seeing how deeply satoru already cared about you – making sure you eat in the morning, not letting you go to bed without a meal, always checking on you throughout the day, keeping you safe. you, however, thought it was… weird, if anything, that he was all around you this intensely.

“oh, honey, that’s just how he shows that he cares. he was like that with me as well,” your mom tells you one of the nights when you bring it up. it worries you how easily she takes his side now and wonder if something else is going on.

satoru picks you up when you stay out too late, to the wee hour of the night when the subways stop running; he makes sure you have your nights with your mom, when he doesn’t intrude on your backyard conversations and only adores you pretty features from his second-floor window; he learns what movies and music and tv you like, trying to decipher the person that is you.

he’s been putting all this effort to get to know your every step – then why the fuck does he find you one night you kissing some random boy on your driveway?

you said you were going out today and no pickup was needed – now it makes sense why.

gojo satoru is a patient man. but even his patience can start running thin, trickling like water through cracks in the fingers. hourglass of his kindness has been half full for a while now – it’s about time the sand runs out.

you think a boy like him can give you what satoru can? just you wait and see.

kitchen is uncharacteristically quiet when you walk in. it’s the next morning, and usually by now, satoru would be making breakfast for you. his job is still unknown – you are not sure if he was suddenly called in but the feeling of happy solitude falls over you, even if for a moment.

your mom is gone at least for two weeks for work, you’re dreading the moment you have to be left alone with your step-dad. the look in his eyes yesterday was dangerous, a predator appraising its victim before sinking its teeth in, and you’re happy megumi was able to leave quickly after walking you home. surprisingly, gojo didn’t say you a word when you walked into the house, silently sitting in front of the tv like he didn’t just spy through the window on your kiss with the boy.

air in the room was heavy with tension – you knew satoru was avoiding looking your way, jaw clenched, hands balled into fists. instinctively, you wanted to break the silence, say something to discharge the electricity jumping through the atoms of your stuffy living room air, but ultimately decided against it. you have nothing to say to a man, and it’s not like you needed to justify your actions in front of him anyways. you quickly retreated into the office and avoided him until you fell asleep.

when you woke up to an empty apartment not even fifteen minutes ago, you felt relief. walking into the kitchen and confirming your presence alone, you even felt happy. then what is this weird feeling, almost as if you are missing something, nagging at you? you thought of going out today but now a strange desire to stay at home washes over.

you make breakfast for the first time since you came home (gojo didn’t skip a single day, you have no idea how he kept up with that), and you chastise yourself for feeling weird about cooking for yourself; and you chastise yourself again when your mind lingers on the thoughts of a certain white-haired man; and again when you look at your phone, convincing yourself it’s a bad idea to text him. god, you feel so stupid. didn’t you want him to stop being so unsettlingly sweet and dotting around you all the time?

conflicted by your irrationality once again, you frustratingly take your plate and sit down on the couch. flipping through the netlifx previews, you land on something to distract your mind by. you settle on some true crime documentary and let the horrors on the screen consume you, abandoning for a moment the thoughts plaguing your head.

you’ve been glued to the screen for at least two hours before you heard the jiggle of the keys. like an eager puppy, you waited for gojo to come inside and greet you like he would every day – only for him to completely ignore your presence, beelining straight for the kitchen. turning your head back to the tv, you try your best not to pay any attention to the uncharacteristic behavior from satoru’s end.

“i will be in the home office the whole day, don’t enter.”

before you can respond anything back, your step-dad is already walking off without sparing you a second glance. is he still upset from yesterday? you didn’t think kissing megumi would be that much of a deal. your nervously play with the hem of the blanket, show playing on tv long forgotten, contemplating what you should do next. why are you bothered by his silence this much anyways?

rethinking your earlier choice, you send a quick text to your friend asking to meet you for drinks. maybe right now gojo needs space, or whatever, and leaving him alone is the best next thing right now. you knock at the door of the home office.

“sorry, i am going out now and need to quickly change.”

not even 5 seconds pass before the door is swung open by a man that’s been occupying too much of your mental space today.

“be quick,” is the only response you get before he leaves the room and closes the door behind him. you’re perplexed by this sudden change in behavior yet again. throwing on the first decent outfit you can find, you let gojo know that you’re done and will be home later; hum is the only acknowledgment you get before he disappears in the office.

exiling all the thoughts of satoru gojo from your head, you leave your house, hoping tomorrow will put all the pieces of the puzzle back together.

yet the next day comes, and you still wake up to no warmth from satoru – it felt as if he built a wall between the two of you in one night’s span, impossible to be breached. should you talk to him? should you apologize? and apologize for what? you didn’t do anything wrong, did you? ignoring the gnawing feeling inside once more, you retreat to the living room, sulking on the couch until the end of the day, clawing onto the hope gojo of tomorrow will acknowledge your existence.

“did i do something wrong?”

you stand in the doorway to gojo’s office, arms crossed over your chest. he lazily turns his head your way as if giving you even a second of his time is too much of a bother – the look he sends you is burning through your core, making you pathetically weak and wet.

“no,” he starts slowly, “do you think you did something wrong?”

“i don’t know! that’s why i’m asking. you’ve been ignoring me for the past week, and it’s getting weird.”

“i thought i’d leave you alone, it seems you’re capable of having fun on your own.”

satoru is looking back to his screen now, and you scrunch your eyebrows, frustrated by the riddles he’s throwing your way. walking inside the room, your close the door on instinct and take wide steps to stand in front of him.

“stop answering me like this, we’re not playing a charade. what do you mean?” the demand in your voice is clear, and it twists something inside satoru – his gaze falls on you again yet this time it’s dark, taunting, dangerous, with a hint of chaos. it scares and excites you.

gojo suddenly stands up, and pushes you into his desk until you’re sitting on it. he is tall – your mom basically married a giant – and you try to curl into yourself to escape his malicious eyes.

“what, i thought you wanted me to leave your alone? you want my attention now all of a sudden?” he respond with the question of his own in a mocking tone.

“i never said i wanted you to ignore me…” you answer meekly, yelping slightly as your back hits his desk – you suddenly realize there is nowhere to run now.

“really? we’ve been together in a house for almost a month now, and yet you showed no interest in getting to know me.”

“’m sorry…” you cannot think of anything else to say. gojo moves even closer, and is now towering over you – it makes you embarrassingly horny.

“show me how sorry you are.”

before you can respond, he is caging your body with his and capturing your lips in a kiss, and you freeze – all of this is so wrong, you cannot bring yourself to start moving your mouth against his. gojo’s tongue coerces its way inside, exploring the undiscovered paths, his teeth biting your still lips. closing your eyes, you whimper and try to push him away but he only catches your wrists with his one hand, while the other plays with the hem of your shorts. a gasp escapes your lips, and you push yourself further into the desk, squirming under gojo’s body.

“what, you don’t like it? i thought my little girl wanted daddy’s attention?” he torments you, voice condescending and thick with mockery. all you can muster is a pathetic mewl, words lost somewhere inside your throat, and dig your fingers into the edge of your desk as your step-dad forces his digits inside your panties, lightly brushing against your clit.

“god, you’re already so wet, so filthy,” he whispers between the heated kisses as the pads of his fingers keep teasing your pussy. “tell me, babygirl, are you still a virgin? gotta know how to treat you.”

“y-yes…”

“well, am i just not the luckiest?” gojo chuckles darkly, spreading your legs with his thigh. unoccupied hand goes to grip your hip while the fingers on the other are still working your clit, sliding the digits between your puffy lips, teasing your hole. every time he circles around the entrance and mocks by pushing his finger just slightly inside, the moan builds up in your throat, and you’re too embarrassed to let it out.

“common, baby, your daddy wants to hear you, don’t hide your pretty voice from me.”

gojo is infuriatingly good with his fingers – you could never bring yourself this much pleasure from playing with your clit, and your defiance starts melting away as you find yourself bucking your hips into his hand, whining pitifully. the man completely removes your shorts and underwear, shoving the latter into his pocket – something to remember this moment by.

“god, such a pretty pussy, i can’t believe you’ve been hiding it from me. take off your shirt so i can see all of you, princess.”

immense desire pools between your legs, hunger and lust evident in satoru’s cerulean eyes, now hidden by dilated pupils, and you’re surrendering yourself to him – want makes you delirious, completely erasing your sense of right and wrong. you remove the top, nipples perked and waiting. gojo looks at you in wonder and disbelief – all of that for him? his hand went to squeeze your boob almost on an instinct, rolling the nipple between the pads of his fingers, while sucking on another with his mouth. you drop your head back, losing yourself to the intense pleasure your step-dad’s giving you. seeing as you’re distracted by him playing with your tits, he takes this as his chance to shove two of his fingers inside.

a strangled moan leaves your lips, your hands gripping man’s shoulders.

“ahhh, that hurts, satoru.”

“nah-uh, that’s not what i want to hear you calling me,” he straightens himself and starts scissoring you with his digits. the initial intrusion is painful, you can feel your virgin walls stretching to accommodate for how he’s dragging the fingers in and out, yet the burn is woefully delightful, and you’re getting lost again.

“’m sorry daddy.”

gojo only chuckles – god, you were easier than he expected, so well-behaved and pliable under him.

“that’s right, let daddy take good care of you.”

he speeds up the pace, curling his slender, pretty fingers, brushing the spots you were never able to reach with your own. wet, soggy sounds fill the entirety of the room, air already stuffy with smell of sex as he continues to finger-fuck your pussy. gojo could feel his cock twitching in his pants, he wanted to take you right there and then, but he was determined to make you cum on his digits first – it prompts him to attach his lips to your neck, sucking on the sensitive spot below your jawline, marking you as his.

your mewling turns louder, breathing is getting labored, and it seems your hips have a mind of their own now as they are bucking into satoru’s movements, fucking yourself how you need it. something akin to orgasm starts building up in your tummy – it has never felt this all-consuming, you wonder if you’ve been touching yourself wrong all this time.

“daddy, please don’t – ah! – stop,” is everything you can say in a measly attempt to ask him to speed up. his thumb finds your neglected clit, rubbing tight circles around your bundle of nerves, and picks up the pace, cunt now clenching even tighter around his two fingers, and gojo groans thinking how you’d feel around his aching dick. he adds a third finger – it’s angled so perfectly assault your special spongy spot, it turns your brain into a mush.

gojo pinches your nipple, kissing you to swallow all the lewd moans to himself.

“is my princess close?”

“yes daddy, ‘m so close.”

“common, cum all over my fingers, baby.”

these words finally push you over the edge – your climax washes over you like a cold morning shower, leaving you trembling in gojo’s hold. your legs are trying to close to stop the man from continuing his abuse on your twitching pussy but he is too lost in the feeling of your walls constricting around his fingers to allow you to do that. he fucks you through your orgasm, bringing you to the realm of overstimulation.

“ahh, daddy, please, it hurts now,” you whine with teary voice, beads of salty water gathering in the corners of your eyes.

“shhhh, daddy knows best, yeah? let me feel you a little longer.”

gojo keeps his pace until you’re clawing at his arm, trying to pull away your pussy from his fingers. he grabs you by the back of your head, bruising your lips with the intensity of his kiss – you’re sure he draws blood by how he bites your lower lip, licking the messy aftermath. you’re still whining and mewling, trails of tears finally flowing down your face, and he’s sure he’s never seen anything hotter as he licks the salty tracks.

“you’ve done so good, babygirl, i think you’re ready for the main gift,” satoru says and finally withdraws his fingers. the emptiness is welcoming yet disappointing, and you groan. gojo quickly unbuckles his pants and shoves them down, alongside his boxer briefs, and you almost choke on your spit when you see how well-endowed he is. you don’t have a lot to compare it to but you think his cock is beautiful – it's long and slender, and uncut, prominent vein running all the way from the base to just underside of his head, and you get an immeasurable desire to run your tongue along it.

“is my pretty doll drooling jus’ at the sight of my dick?” he mockingly asks you, making you turn your gaze away. gojo chuckles again, and grabs you by your chin, pulling your head down.

“no looking away, darling, i want you to see how i take your virginity.”

with no other option, you keep your gaze peeled downwards, to where gojo strokes himself couple of times before lining himself up with your leaking hole. despite all the preparation and your previous orgasm, you’re still incredibly tight and satoru groans as he starts pushing himself inside. you can see his smooth cockhead bullying his way into you, stretching your greedy walls – man feels you pulsating around him, and that makes him twitch.

“fuck, princess, you’re so tight, feels so good.”

gojo finally sinks all the way in, your cervix being met in a kiss by a swollen tip, and you moan, sound almost pornographic. your step-dad doesn’t let you adjust before he pulls out almost all the way before sliding back in – he doesn’t go easy on you for your first time, setting up a brutal pace, not caring if you’re ready to take him fully yet. it stings, and you have to hold yourself on gojo’s shoulder’s as he starts fucking into you. his hands are on your hips, guiding them to meet his thrusts.

“daddy please, ‘ts too much,” you cry out but satoru is all too lost in how your gummy walls perfectly hug his swollen cock. he doesn’t respond, shutting you up by forcing his tongue into his mouth yet again, sucking on every piece of available flesh. slowly, the tension in your body melts away and gives way to a new kind of pressure – the one building up in your tummy. you’re shocked at how fast your body is able to start getting on the road to blissful ecstasy again but you’re not complaining.

“shit, are you getting close already, babygirl? i can feel your pretty pussy squeezing me again.”

“yes, sorry daddy.”

“there is nothing to be sorry about, just means your daddy’s doing a good job,” he says with a grin, keeping up the pace, rutting into your sloppy cunt. queefing sounds and slapping of skin on skin make you blush furiously yet you can’t take away your gaze from where satoru keeps burying himself inside you.

the girth of gojo’s cock is deadly – not only he’s able to reach the spongy spot almost immediately, making white spots dancing across your vision, kaleidoscope of pleasure lighting up your every nerve ending, he is also bruising your cervix just with enough pressure to make you twitch in delight. his pubic bone grinds against your puffy clit and it’s setting up fireworks against your skin, hot molten lava igniting your whole being.

your moaning becomes uncontrollable as satoru’s fucking you in an animalistic pace – he keeps splitting you open, the spread of legs is slowly growing uncomfortable.

“look how good you’re taking me, being such a good girl for me,” he’s babbling, edging himself too – he wants to feel you spasming around his cock, he cannot let himself cum before that. “gonna feel so good cumming inside, pretty. give you a cute little brother or sister, huh? what do you think? i bet you’ll look so gorgeous being pregnant with my baby.”

“no, daddy, you can’t do that…”

“hm, why? just imagine, you walking around, with my child inside your belly, all cute and swollen for me, tits full of milk. wouldn’t you want that?”

you hiccup a sob as gojo keeps dragging his heavy cock in and out of you, the vein you saw before pressing against your walls deliciously, and you feel your toes start to curl as your body chases after the second orgasm. you dig your nails into his biceps, certain to leave half moon marks on his porcelain skin, and bite your lip. in turn, he is pressing his fingers against the plum skin of your hips, marking you with bruises to remind you of this tomorrow.

“shit, i haven’t fucked your cunny for that long yet it’s already perfectly snuggled around me. i’m training it fast, huh? i’m gonna teach it to fit only me,” you can hear the grin in his voice as he says that.

gojo feels your walls tighten around him – he can see you’re teetering on the edge of climax, whining and moaning under the man, letting him completely use you – so he picks up the speed, assaulting your abused pussy. it doesn’t take longer than that for the tension in your tummy to snap, and you’re wantonly crying out satoru’s name.

“fuck, dollface, you’re squeezing me so perfectly right now. want to milk me for all i’ve got?”

you’re cock drunk, unable to respond to him, hoping your mewling will be enough for the man to see he fucked you stupid. he is not showing signs of slowing down – you can only continue whining as satoru chases after his own pleasure. he pistons his hips couple of times more, and you can feel him throbbing inside as he shoots creamy ropes of cum inside you, painting your womb white. the ring of mixed fluids at the bottom of his cock drives him insane, and he continues fucking his cum into you.

“shit baby, can’t waste a single drop now, can we.”

you’re letting out a quiet sob, pleasure too overwhelming and almost feverish, still unable to find your voice. when he deems it satisfactory that his seed is all warm inside you, gojo finally pulls out and kisses the top of your head.

“i’d say this was a good practice run, what do you say? your mom only comes back in a week, i’ll make you my personal cumdump until then.”

you snap your head up at his words, the smile playing on your step-dad’s face borderline sinister. you think it’s supposed to make you scared, then why is your pussy already twitching around nothing?

“yes daddy, anything for you.”

[pedrithink]

love is not easy (2) ✩ kylian mbappé

summary: everything seems more difficult when you are the shadow of your older sister and Kylian and her are in love with each other.

notes: don’t worry, it will have a part 3 (with happy ending) :)

@nightlockcornucopia @gaviandgrizisgirl @blubffsd @philipetchebest @sunnytkm23 @topguncultleader @http-isabela @bisexualbith @laylaynaynay130 @lovekm

(part 1) / (part 3)

Ky <3: Hey, are we going out tonight? There's a new pizza restaurant that opened and I want to eat all the new flavors with you.

You: I can't today, sorry.

Ky <3: Oh.

Ky <3: Another time then.

Ky <3: HEEEY, pretty. I have tickets to see the Beauty and the Beast musical. Let's go?

You: Hey, Ky. Sorry, but I have to review for the exam.

Ky <3: Oh, got it.

Ky <3: How about we go for some sushi tonight?

You: I've already made an appointment with a friend :/ Maybe another day. Seen.

Ky <3: Ice cream Saturday?

You: Not today, Kylian.

You: Sorry!

Ky <3: What's your problem?

Ky <3: I've been calling you out almost every weekend and you don't even make a point to set aside ONE DAY to be with me.

Ky <3: If I did something at least tell me so I can fix it, but don't leave me in the dark. It hurts.

You: I'm sorry, Ky. You didn't do anything, I'm just full of things to do.

You: Call Ana, I'm sure she'd be up for it.

Ky <3: What the fuck? I don't want to go out with Ana, I want to go out with YOU.

Ky <3: Is that so hard to understand?

You: I'll talk to you later, Ky. I need to get back to studying.

You turn off your phone and take a deep breath. Kylian has noticed your behavior and knowing you well, he won't settle down until he knows what's really going on. You understand the frustration he's been feeling because you've shared an 11-year friendship and you don't want it to end. You just need some time for your thoughts to reorganize themselves and for the loving feelings about Kylian to disappear from your mind.

Your thoughts disperse when you hear some knocking at the door and the figure of Ana appears. "Can we talk?"

You frown and take care to agree with a brief nod.

"It's just that you haven't been the same…I don't know." Ana says with a frustrated tone of voice, she makes clear when she lets out a sigh. "Did I do something? If I did I'm sorry, but I don't want to see you away from me. It's always been the two of us together against everything after we moved away from Mom and Dad."

You feel a huge weight on your shoulders for having made Ana imagine she did something, she is your best friend, but you just needed some time to yourself. That's all. "Ana, no. You didn't do anything, I swear. I'm just really busy with college."

Ana walks over and sits on the edge of the bed. "I know it's not just that.” Ana stares at you intently. "Kylian texted me that you haven't had a Saturday night together in almost two months, and it's been a tradition since you guys were 14." You take a deep breath and try not to feel bad about it. "What about that day at the breakfast? And seriously, you ALWAYS have something to say over breakfast." She lets another sigh fall from her lips and affirms. "I just want you to know that if anything is going on, you can count on me. You'll always have my support, always."

You throw your weight on top of Ana and remain hugging her for a few minutes. "I know that and thank you for everything." You hold her hands. "I guess…I don't know. I just need some time to myself, you know?"

She smiles and nods. There is no reality that you don't love Ana, she is your best friend and best partner in crime there could be. Since you moved to Paris, away from your parents, you have witnessed every good and bad moment together. You need her as much as she needs you.

After this conversation you had, Ana had to leave for some things at work, and you decided to finish an article for college. You had so much to do that you felt a little lost.

Halfway through your article, you hear the doorbell ringing and get up, a little confused, to answer it. Who would it be at 6:30 PM on a Saturday? Ana had the key, so you couldn't think of anyone else. Until you answered and found yourself face to face with a Kylian Mbappé with two pizza boxes and a mischievous smile on his face.

"Since you are running away from me, I decided to come after you." You widen your eyes a little and let a surprised expression take over your face. "Aren't you going to let me in?"

You, still a little stunned, to let Kylian go into the apartment. He faces you and watches your expression. "Aren't you going to tell me anything?"

"I don't know, Ky. I'm just a little surprised you're here unannounced." You say following his figure as he walks over to leave the pizza boxes on the kitchen counter.

Kylian turns to you. "Well, if I said something, you'd make up some other nonsense just to get out of answering me."

"That's not true…I'm just busy with college." You swallow dryly and try to help him get plates and cutlery. "What do you want to talk about?"

Kylian washes his hands at the kitchen sink and turns a little sideways to face you. "You're the one who should tell me, aren't you?" He says with a tired tone. "What's going on? And don't lie to me, that's all I ask."

You wait for him to finish washing his hands and move over to wash yours. "I don't know, Kylian. I guess I just needed some time to myself."

"Does that time mean without me?" Kylian lets a sad look take over the face you love so much and his tone of voice…sounded so brittle that you tried to explain yourself.

"No one, Kylian. I can't explain, I just…" You turn to him and make it clear that the problem is not him. "I've been feeling weird about everything and I just need to figure myself out, the problem isn't you or Ana, it's me. I'm the one who has to sort out my thoughts and I don't want to hurt you with my crazy head."

You bow your head after talking a bit about how you feel and Kylian tries to take both your hands and bring them close to his chest, you could feel every beat of his heart through your fingertips. "It was always you and me against the world, remember? When I lost my ground during the World Cup you held me by the arms and were my greatest source of strength." He pulls you close to him and fits his hands to your face. "Don't leave me in the dark, I'll take it if it's just to stand beside you in silence. But please don't push me away. Because I don't know what to do without you."

You let an exasperated sigh escape your lips and can only nod at him as you stare into those dark eyes. Your heart just wants to scream at him, "I love you. And I could never imagine someone with such intimacy and intensity, I didn't even know I had the capacity to love someone so much," but your brain commands you to push him away so that you don't suffer from the 99% chance that he will say he doesn't feel the same way.

Kylian pushes away this direct contact between you and pulls you over so that you both can sit and enjoy pizza together, like every Saturday of every month. Saturday was the sacred day for you to reserve a moment to spend together. It was always like this, you together against the fucking world.

You try to concentrate on what Kylian is saying, you really try. But, it seems your mind just tells you to throw the weight off your shoulder and tell him you love him. You hold on for a few more minutes, but you can't. You've tried.

"Hey, can you hear me?" You lift your gaze to him and whisper a "Kylian…", he just lets out a "Hm?" and lets his gaze fall to your trembling hands under the table.

Kylian takes your hands and lets a look of concern assume his face. Just as he was about ready to say something, you let go like a bomb about to explode. "I love you."

Kylian understands the way you mean it. You have already said "I love you" to each other, but he knew this time was different. He knew it from the way your hands trembled, the way your eyes filled with tears, and the way your voice sounded pleadingly. He knew.

"And I know it may sound crazy, but…it's been like this for 8 years and I can't hold it in anymore." Your voice sounds brittle and you try to hold back your tears, but two escape from your eyes. You close your eyes tightly to try to pull yourself together and continue, "I promised myself that this would never leave my thoughts, that it would be the single most intense secret I would ever keep from you. I just… love you. They say that true love transforms. How then could I doubt that you are my one, great love? You transformed and continue to transform everything in here. You gave me the joy of living, the pleasure of loving. I hope I can give you back at least a drop of the ocean of happiness that you have brought me since you came into my life. Even if it was unconsciously, you gave me the most beautiful way to love someone and I just want to thank you for it."

Kylian stands stunned in front of you and stares at every tiny part of your face, he doesn't know what to say and doesn't know how to act. He just stands there with his breathing fast and shallow, he didn't expect this and you know it.

You just hold his hands and smile weakly. This hurts more than anything you have ever witnessed in your life, but at the same time it is a relief that this weight is off your shoulders after so long. "Hey…" You whisper with a smile that hurts more than a knife through the heart. "It's okay. You don't have to say anything, just go home."

"But what about you?" That's the only thing he can think to say after you unleash a baggage of feelings on him and it makes you smile in the truest possible way.

"I just need a little time to think about everything and so do you, but know that nothing will change between you and me." You pull his body to the door and hand him his cell phone that was lying on the table in the living room.

After Kylian leaves you can only put your hand over your mouth and try to hold back a loud cry, you can only feel a burning in your chest and the pain of knowing that things will never be the same. To love and not be loved hurts, and it's not that pain that you take medicine and it goes away, it's the pain of the soul.

Ana comes home and almost gets into despair after seeing you like that, she can only take you in her arms and hug you to see if she can stop that painful crying that makes you shiver and your chest hurt.

You finally gave up this war and it hurts more than if he had screamed in your face that he would never be able to love you like that.

Kylian leaves the apartment with his heart racing and unable to think straight. When he gets home, all he can think about is "what have I done?" He should have spoken what has been in his heart for years, he just couldn't. He just couldn't react. He stood there and left you with a feeling of sadness, a torn heart and the thought that you were not loved back.

[jae-bummer]

You Found Me

Request: Hey can I get Han or Bang Chan for soulmate AU? Thanks

Prompt:

14) Soulmate AU

Whenever your soulmate sings, you can hear their voice singing in your head.

Pairing: Stray Kids Han x Reader

Genre: Fluff

.

"All the problems and lot of things," you sang quietly to yourself. Plopping another t-shirt onto the clean laundry pile, you picked up a pair of socks. "Make me fool nal geopjaengiro mandeureotji."

"Dude," your roommate, Sam coughed, looking up from her own laundry. "Did you just switch languages mid-sentence?"

Blinking up at her, you paused for a moment, trying to block the lyrics scrolling through your mind. "Uh yeah, I think so."

"You think so?" she asked, quirking a brow.

Shaking your head in an attempt to clear the brain fog, you dropped the remaining laundry you were holding. "I'm pretty sure they're Korean?"

"The words? The singer?"

"The soulmate," you nodded.

It had been nearly a month since you had first heard the voice. Normally when a young adult reported that they were hearing voices that weren't their own, it was cause for concern. In this instance, it had been seen as completely normal.

You had finally synced with your soulmate. And man, he was intent on singing.

"Is it always in Korean?" Sam asked.

"Not always," you hummed. "Sometimes it's in English. Occasionally it's babbling nonsense."

Your roommate could only lift her brows in response.

"Don't get me wrong!" you gasped. "It's a great voice. Just a lot of...eh...weird self-expression."

"Have you been trying to figure out who it is?"

"I've been keeping a journal," you nodded. "Songs I've heard and when I hear them."

"Excellent," she whispered, rubbing her hands together. "Get me the journal and my phone. Your girl got some googling to do."

.

"I can buy myself flowers," Han sang, pulling his bag over his shoulder. "Write my name in the saaaand."

"Didn't know what a big Miley fan you were, Hannie," Chan laughed, packing his own bag as the two of them were leaving the studio.

"My soulmate is," Han sighed. "And they've apparently really been going through it."

"Any idea who the lucky guy or gal is?"

"Well, it's not any of you," Han muttered. "So at least there's that."

"I know, Lee Know didn't talk for a week when he found out," Chan grinned.

Han rolled his eyes before laughing. "He sang loudly AT me for days. He just couldn't believe it."

"You guys are soulmates," Chan shrugged. "I guess it's just in a different way."

"Apparently," Han grumbled. "But I don't even know where to start. I've thought about buying a corkboard and red string."

"Conspiracies and detective work aside," Chan sighed. "I think it may be up to them to find you."

"But what if I'm being too discreet!" Han gasped.

"Not a word I would associate with you, mate."

"What makes you think I'm so easily found?" Han grumbled as they finally started to leave the building. "I'm mysterious!"

"Also not a word I would use, but we've literally been on tour for months."

"So maybe we're forced to sing a certain set of songs in a certain order every couple of days! That doesn't mean anything!" Han said, throwing his arms in the air.

"Do you even listen to yourself when you speak?" Chan laughed.

"How do I ever expect them to find me?" Han whined, completely disregarding his older member.

"Something tells me they will," Chan nodded. "And you'll likely be shocked and act like this conversation never happened."

..

"I've got him!" Sam gasped. "Well...kind of."

"What do you mean kind of?" you moaned, flopping on the couch beside them.

"Technically I've got eight options, but it's looking a lot better than almost 8 billion."

"How in the world did you narrow it down to eight options?" you muttered.

"Well," she began. "I took the list of songs you had been writing down, and I assume you noticed, there's a pattern."

"The same twenty or so songs showing up every day for like three months, yeah," you said, shaking your head. "They're going through something."

"Or they're performing concerts."

"I'm sorry, what?" you asked, lifting your brows.

"Stray Kids. Homie is a member of Stray Kids," Sam smiled matter-of-factly.

Of course, you knew who Stray Kids were. At this point they were 80% of the music that was floating around in your head. You had just assumed your soulmate was a superfan and had inadvertently made you one as well.

You narrowed your eyes, incapable of believing them. "How do you know it's not just a really dedicated person who's been following them to each tour date?"

"Across three continents?" your roommate lifted her brows. "Multiple cities that are hours and hours away from each other?"

"I meaaan," you hummed. "Wealthy people do exist in this world."

"Yeah," Sam nodded. "But the much more logical thought is-"

"That my soulmate is a Korean idol?" you coughed. "Do you realize how ridiculous you sound?"

"Well," she grinned again, tapping at their phone excitedly. "I guess there's only one way to find out."

...

Han leaned over the table, attempting to make eye contact with Chan for what had to have been the tenth time. Finally growing impatient with the older member, he started to smack the table.

All seven of his other members instantly turned in his direction, various expressions of curiosity and irritation on their faces.

"They're here," he nearly shrieked.

"Well, that sounded ominous," Felix muttered, turning back to the album he was signing.

"Who's where?" Chan asked, shaking his head. He looked apologetically up at the fan waiting to speak with him.

"My soulmate," Han whispered in a total non-whisper.

Chan furrowed his brows. "How do you know?"

"Every single song they've played during the signing," Han continued. "I've heard it."

"Uhhh..."Chan trailed, his face totally blank. "Yeah, we all have."

"No!" Han gasped, frustrated. "I mean, I've heard it with my own ears, but I've heard it without my ears too."

"Han, look-"

"I hear their voice," Han finally finished. "My own brain and then their voice. It's all very complicated."

Chan smirked. "Didn't I say they would find you?"

"I don't know how," Han muttered.

Rolling his eyes, Chan turned back to face the fan waiting for him.

....

You took a deep breath as you stepped onto the stage. You would be ushered into a seat directly across from every Stray Kids member momentarily, and this thought alone made you feel queasy.

When Sam had prepared a full trip to Korea with tickets for a fan sign event, you had hoped to go in with a better plan than what you two had agreed on. Awkwardly singing in front of every member was the only way she felt like you could narrow down the candidates. After five different heated discussions about it, you finally conceded to her points. Now was the time to suck it up and do the damn thing.

Taking a step forward, a staff member directed you to your first member, Bang Chan. You tried to keep your fluttering heart under control as you took your seat. It was difficult not to daydream about each boy when you had no idea which one would be yours. Smiling shyly at him, you prepared yourself for what you figured would be an inevitable let down.

"Hi, I'm Y/N," you smiled. "Nice to meet you."

"Nice to meet you too!" Chan grinned easily. He began to sign your album before looking up again.

You felt your heart skip a beat as his eyes met yours, but there was nothing beyond that. No spark, no lights, no birds singing Ave Maria.

Swallowing loudly, you launched into what still sounded like a terrible plan.

"Why do I keep getting attracted...jaseok gachi kkeullyeoga," you sang. "I cannot explain this reaction."

"Case 143?" Chan grinned, flipping to the page you had marked in your album. "Stuck in your head today?"

"Yes," you said breathlessly. "Has it been stuck in yours?"

Furrowing his brows, Chan shook his head. "I've actually had a new song we've been working on in my head most of the morning."

"Right," you said, gracefully accepting defeat. "You guys are working on a new album, right?"

"You didn't hear it from me," he smiled.

Nodding politely through the rest of the conversation, you tried to enjoy it as much as you could. You now knew that Chan wasn't your soulmate and that was okay. He was still a wonderful person that was more than worth talking to.

Up next was Felix. Settling into your seat, you could feel your heart begin to soften all over again. Felix was gorgeous and the instant wink he gave you was enough to halt your breathing. This had to be the worst otome game ever.

"I'm Y/N," you nodded. "It's nice to meet you."

"And you!" Felix hummed, busy signing your album. "How are you today?"

"I'm doing very well, thank you," you answered, already prepared to rip off the band aid. "I've had one of your songs stuck in my head all morning."

"Oh yeah? Which one?"

"Why do I keep getting attracted...jaseok gachi kkeullyeoga," you sang a little more confidently. "I cannot explain this reaction."

Felix looked up. His expression was amused but held no sign of recognition. You took a deep sigh before nodding to yourself. At this point, it was almost a relief to get this part over with.

"One, four, three," a voice to the left of Felix sounded both in front of you and independently in your head. "I love you."

Looking over with wide eyes, you made instant eye contact with the singer. Han. You felt like the wind had been knocked out of you and judging by his expression, he had felt the same.

"Oh, come on," Felix joked. "You'll have them in front of you in a minute. Don't steal my time with Y/N."

Han, obviously not listening, stood for a moment before sitting back down again. His eyes remained on yours as he reached across the table and took your hands. Slowly pulling you toward the empty seat in front of him, you thought you would burst into tears. The stupid plan had really worked.

"Yah!" Felix gasped, directing a glare at Han. Out of your periphery, you could see Chan smack his arm and shake his head. The leader had easily picked up on what was happening.

"You found me," Han said slowly, lifting his hand to touch your cheek, but halted his fingers from actually making contact. His handsome face was full of a wonder that set your head spinning. He acted like you were a mirage in front of him, something that was too good to be true.

"It took me awhile to figure out where to look," you admitted. It was suddenly difficult to catch your breath. Glancing to Han's still extended hand, you chose to lift your own and lace your fingers together.

Han looked to your entwined hands as if it was a new and exciting discovery. What a novel idea, to hold hands so easily with someone you're meant to be with forever. "Because I'm so mysterious right? And discreet?"

You grinned, feeling a warmth flood your face. "I wouldn't say that, no."

Han grinned as well, completely entranced. "I've heard your voice for weeks, but it sounds so amazing in person."

"Sorry," you said with a wince. "I know I'm not the best singer."

"Neither am I," he laughed.

"Yeah right!"

"Seriously! I would take hearing your voice over mine any day."

"Well," you said quietly. "Now I guess you're stuck hearing it."

"Not stuck," he said, shaking his head vehemently. "Stuck means I don't want to be here. But right now? There is no place I would rather be."

[mister-qi]

Mr. Qi Friendship and Romance Mod: 4/19 Progress Update

It's a working title, I'm trying to come up with something less wordy that still will pop up in Nexus searches.

I wanted to be able to track my progress, mainly for myself, but if you're curious, this is the state of the mod right now:

Writing:

Heart Events - the 2 heart event is fully written (with blocking directions), and the 6, 8, and 10 heart events are outlined. The 4 heart cutscene currently has me a bit stumped; I have ideas, but nothing concrete yet. I definitely now understand why Sam's 4 heart cutscene is him dropping an egg. 14 hearts is on the back-burner as a little treat to myself once I get further into things.

Generic Daily Dialogues - about 1/3 done, probably the highest priority for writing. I'm leaving his vanilla casino dialogue as the two heart dialogue, and the vanilla Walnut Room dialogue as his four heart dialogue, with a few small changes. And, since it's me, I have more marriage dialogue written than anything else...

Day-Specific Dialogues - very few written, lower priority. Hoping to have a lot of these made eventually, and I have plenty of ideas, but they aren't necessary for the core of the mod so they're on the back-burner for now.

Gift Dialogues - all 5 generic gift response dialogues are written, with an additional 22 dialogue lines for specific items/groups of items. I'm also up to around item 530 in figuring out what item corresponds to which dialogue/whether or not he likes it. Certain item groups, like cooked food, still need more lines, however. This is definitely something that should be low priority, but also something I'm really enjoying working on. Some personal favorites so far are-

[if given a fish (hated)]: "Eugh, it's all slimy..."

[if given a legendary fish (disliked)]: "If you must give me one of the rarest fish in the valley, can you at least wrap it so I don't have to touch it with my bare hands?"

And I think that's pretty funny.

Art

Portraits - 3 new portraits finished: "deep frown" "glint" and "glasses-less". I'll probably be messing with "glasses-less" for a looong while; it's first shown at a dramatic moment so it needs to look good. Blushing portraits are next on the docket.

Here's "glint" btw, with a background thrown on so I can have a custom icon. You know I gotta make him do the anime glasses thing a few times.

Sprites - no progress yet. Walk cycle is up next after I finish the blushing portraits. Did you know he doesn't have a walk cycle at all? [1.6 spoilers] in the cheated Summit cutscene where he attacks(?) you, he literally just slides at you very fast. Anyways, I may also change his map sprite a bit as well, since it was drawn to match his old portrait and doesn't actually have the same color scheme as his sprites. Note to self: is it possible to make the sparkles on his outfit prismatic?

Maps - no progress yet. The 6 heart and 10 heart cutscenes both require custom maps, with the 6 heart one being a fully custom asset. 10 heart recycles some existing assets but will still need some custom stuff done as well.

Misc Sprites - in my head, there's a dream version of the 8 heart cutscene that has so, so many unique sprites. Like an incredible amount of stuff. I think it'll kick ass, but also that sequence could be done with a few lines of text. So, for now, it's low priority. But maybe in a few months I'll put out a request for help.

Implementation

Not totally sure how to split this into sections yet, as I'm very much still in the preliminary stages so far. To say that I'm feeling overwhelmed is an understatement; documentation on the wiki swings wildly between "an asset is a file in a video game" and "this is an advanced tutorial. Read these 4 other pages first before continuing."

I've started using Ms. Coriel's NPC Creator which has been good for setting up the basic file structure, but ultimately doesn't cover some of the more complex stuff I want to do. EDIT: Turns out it's completely outdated for 1.6! Had to throw out a bit of work, but I still learned from it so it's fiiine.

I think setting up his "schedule" will be a challenge, in that I don't actually want him to have a real schedule like most NPCs. Not to pull back the curtain too much here, but I want him to "exist" in both the Casino and the Walnut Room simultaneously, which is to say, he does not exist in two places at once in the narrative, just in the code. This will change after marriage, however.

My next goal is to set up placeholder cutscenes for each of the heart events, and then to implement the generic daily dialogues once those are finished.

Final Notes

God, this will be a work in progress for a while, but I'm enjoying it! Definitely enjoying the writing more than anything else, but hey, that's how it be. I've got around 70 lines of dialogue written, a bit of art done, and I've started learning how to actually get stuff in game. I've always been more of a designer than a coder, but it's getting there!

ADDITIONALLY I've decided that if I abandon this project for more than 8 months, anyone is welcome to request my work so far and use it for their own mod. If this blog hasn't posted in a long while, feel free to send me an ask or message! I may say no, however.

Ultimately, I want this mod to exist in some fashion. While there is an existing one, I have a pretty different take on the character and I want to share it with you all! Every line of dialogue, every heart event, every little detail needs to share something interesting about a character and their world. Yet, Mr. Qi is a mysterious guy, and I think some things should be left up to player interpretation. And I think it's crucial to be able to match his tone and voice to the vanilla game, while also expanding on his characterization. It's a fun challenge to write, and I hope the finished product, uh, well I hope it gets finished mostly, but I think it'll be pretty good.

Thanks for reading all this. This is largely just a stream of consciousness for myself, but I hope it's...interesting, or something?

[sparrowrye]

Demi Demon || Alastor x Reader, A2 part 14

Synopsis: It’s been over a year since we were brought under Alastor’s watchful eye. We’ve unlocked our Demonic powers, discovered our own talents, and began building the Safe Haven with Charlie and co. Alastor seems increasingly interested in the power we hold as one and intends to use it properly.

Previous part

Part 14: blood and fire

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was sitting on a rock with a sketch pad in my lap. Reagan and her friends, mostly those a few years younger than her, were casually looking through the water for sea glass or pretty stones. The littles had really clung to her since she started helping Ms. Vivian with classes.

I spoke to Althea about the strain on my mind. She had instructed me to pick a mundane skill that didn't take much thought. She offered sketching and something inside me flipped a switch. Sometimes, when the floor was dirty enough in my cage, I would draw figures. When I ran out of room I would draw in the dust outside my cage.

I had asked Alastor for a simple sketch pad and pencil to which he complied without a sarcastic response. In fact, he didn't even ask why.

I made it a habit to spend time with Reagan in the early evening. I had my afternoon session with Lucifer or Alastor, depending on the day, followed by the still slightly uncomfortable afternoon snack with the latter, and then spent time on the shore with Reagan sketching.

I had fallen into the schedule with ease. I liked being busy and I liked being around different people. Husker was still my morning buddy and that gave me plenty of time to pepper him with questions about a certain pink and white Demon.

We stayed down on the shore until dinner. Like usual, I was quiet while Vivian and Althea did most of the talking. Since my incident, I found it quite difficult to socialize. I was always so tired. I never wanted to talk but I still craved other people's company.

After dinner, I said goodnight to Reagan and walked back up to the house. As soon as I stepped through the threshold, something felt off. I reached out my magic sense and knew there was something not right with Alastor. The house was dark and quiet, the brooding aura coming directly from his room.

I tried dulling my magic so he wouldn't sense me and crawled up the stairs. A red light emitted from underneath his door. The hallway felt heavy. I couldn't hear him moving around and I didn't dare try to reach out with my magic to feel for him. I kept myself small and quiet, carefully tiptoeing to my door and grabbing the cold handle.

Alastor's hand suddenly appeared next to mine. He towered over me from behind, leaving maybe an inch of space between us. The hair on the back of my neck rose and I wrapped myself in a protective shield of magic. His hand hadn't touched mine yet, surprisingly, but I could see it shaking against the metal.

"Alastor?" I called softly, my voice daring to shake.

"Your blood is like nothing I've tasted before," he breathed into my ear. It flicked in response and I tried to inch away unnoticeably. My heart was punching the inside of my chest. Surely he could hear it. "The cravings have returned, my dear. Painfully so." He drew a strained, shallow breath. It sounded painful. "Per our deal, will you let me satisfy this pain?"

He peeled his claws off the handle one by one, moving his hand to hover over mine and awaiting my response. He was shaking. Everything in me was screaming to run. He was dangerous. He was desperate. Even if I wanted to run, could I? I could only imagine what he currently looked like, all disproportionate and covered in green X's. His breath was hot on my ear and it was an effort to keep it from moving each time.

"S-sure."

He didn't hesitate. His hand clamped down on my own, pinning it to the handle, and sank his teeth in the spot between my neck and shoulder. I yelled and grabbed his hair with my other hand, slicing my skin on one of his antlers. He squeezed my wrist to force my fingers to let go and pulled it away. He withdrew his teeth slightly then sank them back in to get more blood. The pain flew down my arm and into the tips of my fingers.

This wasn't what I had expected. "That hurts," I gurgled.

I bent my knees and felt his teeth slip out of the injury. He audibly growled as his hand left the door handle to wrap around my torso, effectively trapping both my arms against my body. His other hand snaked up to my chain and held my head to the side for easier access.

He dragged his tongue across my skin, eliciting a whimper from me at the sensation. I squeezed my eyes shut, clenched my teeth, and tried pulling on his arm that was trapping me. He sank his teeth back in his bite mark, sending another wave of pain down my arm. I couldn't breathe.

I put my foot on the wall and pushed. It did nothing. I put up the other but his black tentacles came out to hold them down. My cries for him to stop landed on deaf ears, though I felt his magic abide the pain to a lesser degree. Tears were steadily streaming down my face at this point.

I started to feel extremely tired and lethargic. I tried digging my claws in his arms to stop him but even my fingers felt heavy. He was taking too much blood. It didn't feel like he was in any rush to stop, either. I tried to build up my energy and briefly saw an image of drawing a few shadowy souls through the gold and purple barrier. I sent a wave of shock or electricity from my body into his, making him go rigid from the pain. He slowly lifted his head.

"Stop," I panted, "please. Too much."

I heard him lick his lips. He moved his hand down my neck and healed the small wounds. I felt my energy, or maybe it was his energy, returning as he unwrapped everything from me. I spun fast to slap him with the back of my hand but he caught my wrist. His eyes narrowed.

"I see I lost myself," he admitted. "My apologies, dear."

I wrenched my hand from his grip and rubbed the sore spot. I quickly locked my bedroom door behind me and huddled in the bathroom corner. I pressed my claws into my head and kept it between my knees. My body was shaking but there was a deeper, strangely more pleasant, feeling buried deep in my mind, deep in my bones, that I refused to let into the light.

****

"Why did you want me to come, boss?" Husker asked. He and Alastor were standing in the shadows of a small alley.

"Two Overlords went missing," Alastor explained, "and my contact said Blackwater is behind it."

"Who's Blackwater?"

"We're going to find out." Alastor glanced at the bar as two people walked in. "Our favorite little Dragon mentioned the name to me some time ago."

"Speaking of which, what exactly happened between you two?" 

"What do you mean?" Alastor turned back to him.

"She said something happened with you that she doesn't want to talk about, and it upset her a lot. So, what was it?"

"That is for me to know," he answered, looking back at the bar entrance.

"It would help me help her to know what exactly you did."

"As she said, it's between me and her."

"She and I are very close."

"My answer is no, Husker." He casted a red glare over his shoulder.

"I'm not above risking my life for her if you forced yourself on h—"

His green chain appeared around his neck and cut off the end of his sentence. Alastor yanked the cord and held up the shorter man so their noses were inches apart. His eyes were dark with red dials, his antlers stretching above his head.

"How dare you accuse me of such a thing," he spat. "I'm disappointed you've let someone you've known for only three years sway your judgment of me." Husker had a claw on the clamp around his neck and the other at his side, desperately trying to keep his hands off his boss. "Accuse me of such a thing again and I will pry your soul out of your body and stretch it across my radio frequencies for all to hear."

Husker swallowed. "Got it."

The green light dimmed as Alastor straightened up and dissipated the chain. He fixed his coat flap and looked at the group entering the bar. He was about to move when he felt a presence on the edge of his mind. He knew it was me and willingly drew me past his shields, but still shallow enough that I couldn't see his memories. I watched the world from his eyes, thrilled at the discovery of a new skill.

That's my girl. He stiffened at his own thought. He was grateful I couldn't hear his thoughts at the level he was holding me at. He shook his head and mumbled a curse to himself. As he stepped out into the light, his Demon appearance melted away to reveal his Human one. Husker followed suite.

Alastor walked in first and Husker veered away from him a few tables in. They both ordered something from the bar but Husker found a small table in the corner to observe the room. Nothing revealed itself for half an hour. However, Alastor noticed a steady string of people entering the bar and immediately going into a side room. Two guards stood at the entrance checking a slip of paper each person or couple pulled out.

Alastor ordered a short drink and let his shadow loose. He stayed along the wall and melted with another person's shadow as they entered the room. A set of stairs stretched to his immediate right. At the base of the stairs was a small room crammed with round tables and dozens of chairs. A small, wooden stage with a red curtain stood at one end. Alastor's shadow found a perfect spot in the corner where his eyes wouldn't be noticed.

After another half hour or so, it began.

"Ladies and gentlemen, you have waited long enough." A man in a black suite and slick blond hair walked on stage with his arms outstretched. "Blackwater is proud to open his latest invention to his devote followers."

Well, I'm exactly where I need to be. Alastor thought to himself. 

Another man walked on stage carrying a small, metal backpack. He placed it on a round table and opened the latch, revealing a mix of wires and dark filled tubes.

"Not only is this more compact than the last version," the announcer went on, "but it provides the user another element to use." Murmurs erupted. "May I have a volunteer? Someone who wields only one element?"

No one raised a hand for moment. Then an older man, with white hair on his head and face, offered his hand. The announcer excitedly motioned him up to the stage and helped him take his coat off. He put the backpack on the old man and lifted an object to the back of his neck. The man made a pained noise as the thing hissed when it connected with his skin.

"As always, give your body a moment." The announcer helped the man into a chair the lackey pulled up. The man was visibly struggling, his body contorting inward. It lasted a minute, maybe two, before the old man was able to sit up straight. "Now, with powerful Demon's blood flowing through your veins, you can use any element you wish. Give it a try."

The old man remained in the chair but slowly lifted his hand. He casted wind around the room then a small jet of flame from his palm. He looked surprised, thrilled even, at the ability to wield more than what he was used to doing.

"No longer are we restricted to our own limits," the announcer went on. "Blackwater has made it possible to put us on the same level as every Demon. Keep this around and filled, and you'll be able to keep yourself and your family safe from any threat. How about another volunteer?"

The crowd erupted in applause and several people shouted to try. Alastor's shadow snuck back up the stairs, careful to avoid the eyes of the guards standing at the base and entrance. It slid back to its owner and melded into his Human shadow. He stood up, leaving a tip for the bartender, and casually walked out of the bar with his hands in his pockets. He went back to the alley and waited for Husker to join him a minute later.

"What was it?" Husker asked, morphing back into his Demon form as Alastor had done.

"He made a device that allows Humans to wield more magic," he answered. "Which means he used the Overlords to make it."

"He's using..." Husker fell silent, unsure of what to say next.

"We're going to wait," Alastor dictated, "and we're going to find out where his factory is."

"Why not just try to find Blackwater himself?"

"I will. But I'm going to take down his assets first."

The two of them waited for an hour before everyone dispersed from the meeting. Alastor's shadow hid easily in the dark shadows to watch the announcer leave the bar from the back door. Husker climbed onto the roofs while Alastor went to meet the man in the back street.

The light flickered over the man's head. He noticed and looked around at the empty street, seemingly aware that someone was watching him. He stuffed his phone and gloves in his pocket, fingers extended. His walk was slow, eyes scanning, as he started the walk back to his apartment.

He made it to the next street before Alastor appeared under a dim alley light. The announcer stopped dead in his tracks, blood running cold. Alastor's shadow grew along the wall and opened his wide, sharp mouth in a hungry laugh.

"What do you want?" the announcer demanded. Alastor knew the tone of feigned confidence.

"I won't have to move from where I stand if you tell me where Blackwater's factories are."

"I'm more afraid of him than you. He'll kill me if I tell you anything."

Alastor clicked his tongue and shook his head. "Fortunately for me, I am about to prove you wrong."

Alastor's shadow yanked the man's foot out from under him. He dragged him down the street and pinned him against the wall. Alastor was taller now and his stitches were desperately trying to keep his limbs attached to his body. His mouth grew wider and teeth sharper, eyes turning into his usual black and red dials.

He place a huge claw over the man to further hold him in place. He curled his other claw near his face and proceeded to pull the man's living soul out of his body. The man screamed but it came from his soul, not his physical mouth. Alastor knew what the man was 'seeing'. He was watching all the other trapped souls scream and reach for him, a fresh soul with new energy. He would merge with them, melding into the hive mind and losing his individuality.

"I'll tell!" the man wailed. Alastor let go of his soul and it slingshotted back into his body. He grabbed at his chest, eyes wide, and tried to calm down. Alastor stood there and waited for the panic attack to subside. The man couldn't stop shaking and he pulled his arms and legs tight to him like a scared child.

"Go on, then. Tell me," Alastor beamed. In his usual form, he bent at the hips so his face was level with the man's. He loved this.

"He-he...he uh...the-the coordinates. Truckers give receipt..." He fumbled with his coat pockets until he drew out a crumpled piece of paper. Alsator's shadow took it from his unsteady hand and unraveled it before dropping it in his claw. Like the man said, the paper was a receipt and at the bottom was the factory name and coordinates.

"Thank you, my good man," Alastor's voice turned chipper as he looked back to the man, "Do give Blackwater my regards. I'd love to meet the big man in charge."

He slipped into the shadows to join Husker on the rooftop. He grabbed his coworker's shoulder and focused, mind fixed on the image of the world. He found the coordinates, surprisingly not far from where they stood, and teleported them. He climbed through the shadows to enter the small factory and watched from a dark corner.

Belts of machinery were stretched across the whole factory. Workers stood on the side inspecting or crafting the pieces. There were at least fifty currently being worked on and there was a stack of crates in the one corner where the trucks picked them up. He continued to look around, mostly in search for Blackwater himself or the Overlords he had captured. Yet neither was here. He would have to find his other factories.

It took nothing for Alastor to start a fire. The workers attempted to put it out but they were all Humans with Slight magic. The fire grew too much for them to handle, forcing them to leave the factory to save their own lives. He melted the foundation and watched the whole thing topple inward on itself.

He appeared next to Husker who was hiding in the safety of the forest's shadows. "Satisfied?" Husker quirked an eyebrow up at him.

"I will once this man is dead," Alastor said. "I need to speak with the other Overlords. I need to know who let him get to this point unnoticed and unchecked."

"I'm sure that'll go well."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Author's Note:

I noticed that I was a bit more sadistic in the very first chapters of this series and needed a small taste of it again. I sure hope you all enjoyed the taste of 2 chapters :P

[hopefulromances]

Long Time Coming I Chapter 16 I Stop, You're Losing Me

Summary: Being hired as the first female assistant coach in the league was a challenge of it itself. Being a football prodigy and University Football Legend was easy enough. Coaching Jamie Tartt was a challenge all on its own.

Chapter Summary: Reader and Jamie are going through a rough patch and end up in Man City

Word Count: 5.4K

Warning: Angst, tears,

Prologue One Two Three Four Five Six Seven Eight Nine Ten Eleven Twelve 13 14 15

A/N: Thank you so much to @sokkigarden for reading this ahead of time and giving me notes! We have one chapter left after this one!!! Can't wait!

There was something wrong with Jamie. Ever since he came back from the international break things had been different. I’d prepared this whole big dinner for him with sexy lingerie and his favorite meals, and he’d enjoyed the whole night very thoroughly. But the next day, he was distant. Like I’d hurt him or something. I tried to ask him about it but he assured me there was nothing wrong, and that he was fine.

That was a few weeks ago and nothing had gotten better. I was so frustrated with myself. I’d wrack my brain trying to figure out what I’d done wrong, how I’d upset him that night. But nothing came to my mind.

         “It’s like he’s avoiding me,” I whined to Roy, spinning in my chair. I’d moved so I was in his office between him and Trent. “But I don’t know what I did.”

Roy grunted. This was how our conversations usually went. I’d come into his office when Trent wasn’t there, spin in my little chair and complain, and he’d grunt every now and then to let me know he was listening. Or half listening. He ‘didn’t want to get in my business because he doesn’t fucking care’”

         “I just… what if he wants to break up with me,” I whisper the words, finally stilling in my chair.

I’d tried not to consider that possibility, but it was very likely that he did want to break up. I’d obviously upset him somehow. But it was so sudden. We were doing so well. And our love had never been stronger. Maybe he’d gone to Italy and slept with someone else. That sent a shiver down my spine.

         “He doesn’t want to break up with you,” Roy grumbled, putting his pen down. “He’s just a twat that doesn’t know how to express his emotions”

         “How do you know he doesn’t want to break up with me?”

         “Cause he fucking adores you and talks about you all the time on our runs and it’s fucking annoying that’s why,” He shot back.

I smiled softly at the thought of Jamie running along talking about me. He’d become incredibly fit over the season. Not that he wasn’t fit before but now he could run longer, lift heavier, and move quicker.

         “He talks about me?” I checked, looking at Roy hopefully.

He rolled his eyes at me as he stood up and grabbed his jacket. “Yes, he does. Now I have to go to a stupid press conference and sit next to him while they boost his stupid ego after getting player of the month.”

         “He’s barely mentioned that, you know,” I tell Roy, standing to move my chair back to my desk. “It’s weird.”

         “He’s trying to be all humble about it, it’s fucking annoying.” He rolled his eyes and started out of the room. “Stop worrying about it!”

I wouldn’t stop worrying about it. I would continue to worry about it even when Colin, Isaac and Will brought back some kebabs from some Greek restaurant they’d gone to. They were delicious and all I could think about was Jamie’s mopey face as he went into the conference room.

But the real kicker was when Ted brought in a special guest.

         “My name is Dottie Lasso, it’s great to meet you,” Dottie introduced before wrapping me up in a hug.

         “Oh! Wow! Hi!” I greeted, shooting Ted a look. He just shrugged and motioned towards his mother. “I’m (Y/N), it’s great to meet you.”

         “It is such a pleasure to meet you, Ted talks about you all the time!”

I raised my eyebrows as she pulled away, smirking at Ted. “Oh, does he?”

She nodded, chuckling. “He thinks you’re the bee’s knees, sweetheart.”

         “I wasn’t aware bees had knees, but I appreciate it!” I replied, smiling at her.

Dottie Lasso brings in a big fuss as all the boys flock to her, listening to her stories of a young Ted Lasso. It was amusing to watch but Ted apparently did not think so as he watched her prattle on about his first time riding a bike.

I watched from my corner of the room, standing near the white board as we all enjoyed our meal and the stories. All except Jamie. He’s the only thing I had my eyes on the whole time as he stared vacantly at the floor. 

That was until Van Damme turned to Jamie with his nose guard on. It look ridiculous, of course, and normal Jamie would have taken the chance to make fun of him, but today, when Van Damme called on him Jamie just shrugged.

         “I think it’s more important to be safe than look cool,” he replied.

The room was silent as everyone stared at Jamie in surprise. I gave Roy a pointed look that said ‘I told you so’ before he rolled his eyes and turned around.

         “Oi! Tartt!” he barked, and the whole room flinched. “Boot room! Now!”

The two of them trudged off into the boot room, leaving me alone with the boys in the locker room. Part of me wanted to follow, to hear what they were walking about, but I knew Jamie needed to open up… to someone if not me.

I sighed and walked into my office where Ted was.

         “Well, it’s certainly been an interesting day, hasn’t it,” I groaned, tying my hair up into a ponytail.

         “That’s one way of putting it,” Ted grumbled back to me. “Say, is Jamie doing alright?”

I shook my head rubbing a hand down my face. “Couldn’t tell you.”

Ted looked over at me sympathetically. “Hey, whatever’s going on between the two of you, you’re gonna figure it out.”

         “I really hope so, Ted, I really do.”

…

I sat on Jamie’s bed that night as he packed. He was silent as he did, throwing clothes into a bag half-heartedly. I watched him, looking over the top of my phone, trying to pretend I wasn’t watching him, but I was.

         “Jamie?”

         “What is it?”  he mumbled, staring at his toothbrush.

         “Are you okay?” I asked, looking between him and the toothbrush.

His head snapped up at me. “Yeah, I’m great, I’m fine. Why? Did Roy say something? Well, he’s wrong, I’m fine.”

I threw up my hands. “No, Jamie, Roy didn’t say anything, you’re acting fucking weird.” He frowned at me, his eyes darting in his head as he figured out how to respond to me. I didn’t let him figure it out though. “Jamie, I’m here for you, please just talk to me.”

         “(Y/N), I promise, nothing is wrong,” he insisted, throwing his toothbrush into his suitcase finally. I slid off of the bed and went to grab his hand, but he flinched away from me.

I took a step back. He flinched. He actually flinched away. I felt the hurt spread over my body like a web, coursing through my veins. Jamie could see it hurt me; I could see it in his eyes. But he didn’t move to comfort me.

         “Okay, fine… I guess I’ll just go then,” I squeaked, grabbing my phone off the bed.

         “(Y/N), wait,” he finally spoke.

         “No, no it’s fine,” I grabbed my jacket that was hanging off the bed. “There’s nothing wrong, you’re fine. I’m gonna go.”

I trotted down the stairs and out the door, trying to hurry so I didn’t change my mind. I could hear Jamie curse from behind the door as I rushed down the driveway. This felt all too familiar. I could see it, last season, just around this time when I poured my soul open to him and left him standing on the field. Except it hurt more this time.

Jamie was fading from me. I could feel it. I wanted to grab on, but he pulled away. He was losing me.

We didn’t speak the next morning or at all on the bus. We didn’t even sit together on the bus. I tried to pretend I was fine, that my heart wasn’t aching as Colin sat next to me instead, wearing a sympathetic look. He didn’t even share his hotel room with me when we got them assigned at the hotel. He just walked off.

The next I heard from anyone was someone knocking rapidly on my door. When I opened it, Roy and Keeley were both standing there in front of me.

         “What’s wrong with Jamie?” Roy asked.

I felt the well building up, about to boil over. I tried to stay calm but just imagining the look on Jamie’s face when I tried to touch him last night.

         “Fuck!” I cried out, the tears welling up in my eyes. I started spinning in place, flapping my hands to let out excess energy. “I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know!”

         “Fucking hell,” Roy rolled his eyes. “You and Jamie emote in very similar ways, you know?”

         “Babe, babe, breath,” Keeley grabbed onto my shoulders. “Roy said that when he talked to Jamie yesterday, he had a complete meltdown.”

         “What?”

         “Listen, listen,” She shushed. “But today I’m going to talk to him. We just wanted to see if you knew anything.”

I looked between Roy and Keeley, two of my closest friends in the world, and all three of us were coming together to help Jamie.

         “Whatever happens, (Y/N),” Keeley continued, rubbing her hands up and down. “we’re here for you, both of us.” She looked over at Roy who nodded minutely.

Roy stuck with me for the rest of the day. Apparently, he was on (Y/N) duty while Keeley was trying to figure out what was wrong with Jamie. Roy kept me occupied with strategy questions and making sure I knew what was going to happen at the game tomorrow.

The next time we saw either of them was at the movie night. Jamie came in and sat in the front, not even looking in my direction. Then Keeley came in and sat next to Roy passing us both buckets of popcorn.

         “How’d it go with Jamie?” Roy asked, taking the popcorn.

         “Yeah, I fucked it. I made it worse,” Keeley frowned, scrunching her nose.

         “You what?” I whisper cried.

She looked at me in an apology. “Sorry I brought up his hair and-‘”

         “You brought up his hair?” I whispered in disbelief.

         “I thought I was comforting him!” Keeley defended herself. “I’m sorry!”

I shook my head, shoving a handful of popcorn in my face. I couldn’t even focus on the movie, which ended much too soon. As soon as the movie ended, Jamie was up, and out the door and I was up and following him. Keeley squeaked and grabbed Roy to follow.

We chased Jamie outside, just catching him as he started walking down the street. Thus began our chase. Through the streets of Manchester that he trekked through easily. It made me think of him as a kid running around playing games. This was his home turf and he knew it well.

Finally, he led us down a tunnel, except when we made it to the tunnel, he was gone.

         “Where the fuck did he go?” I panted, tired from trying to keep up.

         “You said he went down there,” Keeley pointed at Roy.

Roy shook his head. “No. I said he’s in a tunnel, I didn’t say he was in this tunnel.”

They bickered back and forth but I looked around trying for any sign on him. We jumped as Jamie appeared behind us. I whipped around and stared at him. He looked so odd in the darkness with his hoodie pulled over his head. Almost annoyed that we had followed him.

“Why are you following me?” He asked.

         “Just wanted to make sure you’re okay, you prick,” Roy growled.

         “What’s going on, Jamie?” Keeley asked seriously. “Are you buying drugs?”

Jamie and I hadn’t taken our eyes off of each other. I couldn’t say anything, just stare at him, begging him to say something, anything. Just talk to me. But he just shook his head and slid between me and Keeley murmuring a ‘come on’ as he did.

It felt cold. He just brushed right past me, he didn’t even take my hand as he did. Keeley put her arm on me, sending me a comforting glance as we went to follow him. He led us through a neighborhood where some kids were kicking a ball, they shot some insults his way but he didn’t seem to mind.

Finally, we arrived at a door and when Jamie knocked, a man arrived.

         “Hey!” He cried when he saw Jamie at the door. “Jamie!” He threw open the door smiling broadly.

         “How you doing, Simon?” Jamie smiled back at him. “Uh, this is Keeley, that’s Roy, and this is… this is (Y/N).”

Simon’s eyes darted over to me before looking back at Jamie. I felt so helpless in this situation. Jamie wasn’t talking to me, Roy and Keeley couldn’t get through to him and now we’re standing at some random house in the middle of Manchester the night before a really big game.

He let us in and Jamie started walking around the hallway, seemingly looking for someone.

         “Georgie, we’ve got visitors,” Simon called up the stairs.

A voice called back from upstairs. “What was that love? Someone at the door?”

Then a woman appeared at the top of the stairs, letting out a shriek of excitement when she saw Jamie at the bottom of the stairs.

         “Hi, mummy,” He greeted, the smile on his face growing by the second. She rushed down the stairs and hugged him tight.

Mummy? Oh my god. This was his childhood home. I wanted to leave, I needed to get out of here. I tried to back up but hit the closed door behind me.

         “Mummy, I’d like to introduce you to Keeley, and this hairy prick’s Roy,” he started, not taking his arms off of his mother. “And back there, is… (Y/N).”

Again, Georgie’s eyes darted towards me quickly, then back to Jamie. “I’d come to give you a hug, but I’m not letting go of this one!”

Jamie picked her up and carried her down the hall, leaving Roy, Keeley and I reeling in the wake of whatever is going on.

We sat on their couch, cookies in hand as Jamie cuddled with his mother, prattling on about some asshole on twitter who made fun of his hair. I played with the cookie in my hand, trying to look at Jamie but he wouldn’t look at me. Why wouldn’t he look at me?

         “Babes, do you wanna give them the grand tour?” Georgie suggested. “You know, show them around a bit?”

         “Yes!” Simon clapped his hand. “Right, follow me. We will start in the kitchen, aka, my laboratory.”

He took us in the kitchen, then upstairs where he let us into a small room. He flicked on the lights.

         “And here’s the main attraction,” he announced. “Jamie’s room!”

My eyes widened as the three of us filed into his room. It was filled with football trophies and ‘A’ papers and other certificates with Jamie’s name on them. I turned around and saw Roy’s poster on the wall. It brought a smile to my face. Little Jamie Tartt who loved football and loved Roy Kent. Now Roy Kent had just followed him around Manchester because he was so worried about him.

Simon closed the door behind him, revealing yet another poster, this one of Keeley. Oh, Jamie… he was going to throw a fit when he found out. I looked around the room, at the posters, at the trophies, at the pictures. At the life that was Jamie Tartt before his father was back in his life. This Jamie was coming back, and he needed help to get there. I couldn’t just leave him now.

         “I should go… I need to… I’m gonna…” I trailed off, opening the door and walking out.

I padded down the stairs, trying to make as little noise as possible. I heard him and his mother chatting in the other room and knew I shouldn’t listen in, but something drew me to listen in.

         “Jamie… your father, he is who he is,” Georgie cooed. “And like it or not, you’ve ended up being who you are so that you can prove him wrong. And you are amazing. You are.” I felt a smile come over my face as I heard her praise him. “When you come on for England? Oh. Jesus, Jamie, I wept. I bawled my fucking eyes out.”

I bit my lip, feeling tears come to my eyes. Jamie had so much love in his life. From me, from Roy and Keeley and from his mum. He was just so afraid to accept it. She went on.

         “And, yeah, your dad will be in the stands tomorrow, pissed out of his head, rooting against you. And it won’t matter. You don’t have anything to prove to that toe rag. You’re not lost, my sexy little baby. You’re just not sure which direction you’re going in... yet.”

I heard them shuffle for a second, probably hugging and I knew I should go.

         “And something tells me, that girl standing in the hall is going to help you,” Georgie finished. My eyes widened. How the fuck did she know? “Come on out, love, you think I didn’t memorize the way it sounds when someone’s sneaking down the stairs.”

I peeked into the room, and saw Jamie still curled up on his mom’s lap. I let out a short laugh but it quickly ended as I took an incredibly shaky breath.

         “Sorry…” I apologized. “I didn’t mean to eavesdrop.”

Georgie waived me off, patting Jamie’s shoulder so he’d sit up. “Don’t apologize, dear, the two of you should chat, I think.”  She hopped up off the sofa, leaving Jamie sitting there and came over to hug me. I was surprised by the hug but happily accepted it. She leaned back and kissed my cheek.

         “Thank you,” She murmured. “For taking care of my boy.”

I felt my breath hitch and I nodded. She patted my shoulder before exiting the room. Now it was just Jamie and me. He wouldn’t even look at me, just chewed on his hoodie jacket and played with his fingers. I walked over and sat next to him on the sofa, not close enough to touch, even by accident.

         “Jamie I-“

         “Listen, (Y/N)-“

We both started at the same time, talking over each other.

         “You go first, Jamie,” I offered but he shook his head.

         “No, you, please,” he motioned for me to continue.

I looked at him, begging for him to look at me. I reached out and grabbed his hand, tired of not being able to touch him, and brought it to my lap.

         “Jamie I…” I tried to form the words that I needed to say. “I’ve been so fucking worried about you. And you won’t even talk to me, you won’t even fucking look at me.” I felt that familiar ball in my throat as a sob tried to make its way up, but I swallowed it down. “And… and if you don’t want to be with me anymore, I understand…”

         “What?”

         “But… please just tell me because this is excruciating.” I pushed on. “Jamie, I love you so fucking much it hurts me to see you struggling. I want to help you, to be there for you. But if you don’t want me… that’s okay. You don’t need to want me.”

         “(Y/N), please- “

         “Just let me finish,” I silence, squeezing his hand. “But I do need you to know that, whatever happens, you have changed my life. You have shown me what love is and that will never change. Okay?” Finally, I dragged my eyes up to look at him. His eyes matched the same shiny expression of mine. Unshed tears, brimming in his eyes. “I think you are amazing, okay? And that’s never going to change.”

Finally, I was done. He turned towards, finally, for the first time all night, taking both my hands in his.

         “God, (Y/N),” He sounded breathless. “I don’t want to leave you. God, I need you so bad… I need you every single day and I… I was afraid that I was too much for you. I was waiting for you to turn on me, or hate me, or something because I know I always muck it up.” His hands rubbed over mine gently.

“I knew you were stressed about this game, and I didn’t want to worry yah anymore. But I… I guess I fucked that up as well.” He laughed a bit before pausing again. “Everyone’s expecting something of me. Richmond, Man City, my dad, you. And I’m afraid I’m going to let all of you down then you won’t want me around no more.”

         “Oh, Jamie,” I moved close to him, grabbing his hand with both of mine, moving so our arms were touching. He melted into my touch. “Your whole life, you’ve been playing football for someone else. For your dad, for me, your mum. I think tomorrow, you should try playing for you.” He looked over at me, his eyes big and round. “Because I’m going to be proud of you no matter what, and so will your mum. So, make yourself proud. I think you’ll surprise yourself.”

His eyes looked back and forth between mine, and I smiled at him, trying to ignore the tears that slipped out of my eyes. I brought my hand up to his face, rubbing away some tears on his cheeks. He leaned forward and bumped his head against mine, resting his forehead on my temple.

It felt so nice to feel him on me after not touching him for so long, I pressed my nose into his cheek, taking a deep inhale. I missed him.

         “Just… talk to me next time…” I begged, quietly. “Please.”

I felt him nod against me before knocking my nose aside with his and sealing his lips over mine. I kissed him back readily, eagerly, feeling so at home again. I fight the urge to deepen the kiss and pull back after a moment, laughing breathily.

         “Guess where Roy and Keeley are right now?” I breathed out, smiling giddly at him.

He frowned, looking confused. “Where?”

         “Sitting on your bed, probably staring at the posters you have of them.”

         “Oh, god.”

We made our way upstairs, and when we opened the door to the room, Keeley and Roy flew apart from where they’d obviously been kissing just before we opened the door. Jamie and I looked at each other.

         “Sorry to interrupt,” Jamie chuckled. “But we really should get going.”

Keeley popped up first. “We’re ready!”

Roy however, sat for a moment longer before standing up and stalking out the door, patting Jamie on the shoulder as he did. Jamie stood for a moment longer, staring at his childhood room. I walked over and wrapped my arms around his waist, resting my chin on his shoulder.

         “You ready, babe?” I murmured, kissing his cheek.

He looked down at me smiling. “Yeah, I am.”

The stadium at Manchester was thrumming with excitement as we walked into the stadium. I paced in front of the bench. This was an important game. If we wanted any shot at winning the Premier league, we needed to win this game. The boys filed out onto the field and as Jamie appeared the whole stadium erupted in boos. This was not going to be an easy game for us.

Man City played dirty, especially against Jamie, constantly knocking him off the ball and knocking him to the ground. I could tell he was getting frustrated, pounding the ground with his fists in anger.

         “C’mon Jamie! Get back up!” I called to him after a particularly hard fall. He shook his head and sprung up off the ground. Then he orchestrated a beautiful goal between him, Bumbercatch, and Colin. It was beautiful, he was so clearly ahead of everyone else when it came to his passes.

But honestly, Van Damme was saving this game. I lost track of the number of saves he made on the goal. So far, we’d been lucky, but our chances were running thin. Then Van Damme got away from the goal for just a second and Man City got in the gap. It looked like an equalizer when Jamie came out of nowhere and basically flipped to block the score.

It was an incredible feat and we all let out a collective sigh of relief as the game continued. But Jamie didn’t get up. I found myself grabbing onto Roy’s arm, my heart stopping, waiting, begging him to get up.

He rolled around on the ground for a minute, Isaac running over to check on him, but Jamie waved him off. He stood up, flexing his foot and trying to push on. He made it about halfway across the field before he fell again, unable to push past the pain. My grip on Roy tightened and I felt him tense as well.

         “Ted, let me go talk to him, please,” I said to Ted as Jamie was helped off the field.

         “No, no, no, no, you’re not going over there, let me,” Ted brushed me off. He was right. I wouldn’t be able to help if I went over there. But I felt my heart racing as I tried to restrain myself from rushing to his side, ensuring that he was okay.

I glanced up at the scoreboard. We were still 1-0 against Man City, Pep stood on the sideline, pacing just as I was.

         “(Y/N), calm down, focus on the game,” Roy insisted. “Jamie knows how to take care of himself.”

He was right, of course, Roy was always right. And as he said that Ted came jogging back towards us.

         “We’re gonna give him a couple minutes,” he told us. “He’s gonna be fine.”

I grumbled, looking over at where Jamie was being worked on by the physio team. Jamie would soldier on; he would make sure he could get out there. I saw him, looking around, watching for any sign of his father who’d been suspiciously missing this whole game.

Roy nudged me, telling me to focus on the game. But the game was bleak. Man City continually putting shots on the goal and Van Damme stopping them each time. Ted made his wave back over to Jamie. I wanted to go with him, just let me talk to him, but Roy held me back.

         “Let Ted do his thing, yeah?” He told me. “Jamie’s a smart lad.”

I nodded, trying to focus on the game. The back and forth as the ball went in and out of possession. I could hear it again, the cheers, the calls, the look as I ran on the field scored a goal. It was right there in front of me again.

         “Here he comes,” Beard mentioned, pulling me from my daze.

Jamie was up, hoping and adjusting his foot. He was going to go out there. He walked towards the substitution area. The crowd booed and jeered at him as he walked past but he just smiled, sticking his tongue out as he patted his Richmond logo. Then he looked over at me. I nodded at him, trying to remain Zen in his moment. He sent me a wink and a cocky smirk as he started out onto the field.

What happened next can only be described as art. Isaac sent the ball down the field where Jamie gained possession of it quickly. He ducked inside and spiraled around several Man City defenders. All eyes were fixed on Jamie as he floated, effortlessly, around the field.

It was astonishing to watch. The way he moved was incredible, moving with his brain three steps ahead of every dribble and swerve. No one could touch him. Then he sent it flying through the air and the world stood still. My eyes on Jamie, not the ball, as the ball made a loud swish into the goal.

The world exploded as the team cheered but I couldn’t take my eyes off of Jamie. I felt my vision get a little blurry as tears crowded in my eyes. The feeling in my chest could only be described as immense pride and joy. I felt my heart trying to burst right out of my chest as the boys tackled Jamie in a hug.  Roy patted me on the back and I looked over at him seeing the same astonished expression on his face that I had on mine.

Shortly after that, Ted pulled Jamie out, not wanting to push him any further. He started to come off the field and something incredible happened. The stadium applauded him. The whole stadium, Richmond and Manchester City fans alike standing and applauding Jamie as he started off the pitch.

I saw the moment he realized it was for him the emotion filling his face as his hometown saluted him. His talent, his ability, his prowess. I covered my mouth, tears of joy springing from my eyes as I watched his emotional face leaving the pitch. He looked over at me as he finally made his way off the pitch. I didn’t want to go over to him, and he didn’t want to come over to me but we both knew. The expression we shared of mutual love and respect that we had for each other spoke more than any words I could say to him right now. I nodded at him, and he nodded at me.

The game was over shortly after that as we won. We celebrated the whole way home, singing and screaming and drinking the whole bus ride back to Richmond. When we got back to the club, I knew I wanted to speak to Jamie but first I had to do something for myself, and I was scared bonkers.

         “Ted…” I ventured, staring at my desk.

         “What’s kickin’, little chicken,” he responded, putting his phone down to face me. I let myself laugh at his greeting.

I looked up at him, rolling my thoughts around in my head. What I was going to ask, what I was risking here. But I couldn’t ignore the sound rushing in my ears anymore.

         "Ted, what if I didn’t coach anymore.”

It didn’t take me long to find Jamie after my talk with Ted. He was sitting in the physio room with his foot in a bucket of ice. Top tier medicine people. I opened the door and he put down his phone when he saw me.

         “Hey,” he greeted, a lazy smile coming over his face.

Seeing him now, alone, just the two of us, I couldn’t help the smile that came over my face.

         “Jamie Tartt,” I said simply.

He reached for me, and I took his hand letting him pull me closer to him. His arms wrapped around my waist, and I brought mine up to hold his face delicately in my hands.

         “You are incredible,” I continued, rubbing his cheeks with my thumbs. “You are just so incredible.” He grinned at me and pressed up to kiss me. I hummed into the kiss for a moment before pulling back. “I am so proud of you.”

         “Yeah?” His eyes were big and wide.

         “Yeah,” I responded, smoothing out his hair.

He kissed me again but pulled back quickly. “And you know that?”

         “What?” I asked, smiling at his mischievous look.

         “I’m proud of me, too” he told me, his face bright.

I was overwhelmed with the amount of joy and pride and happiness I felt in that moment. Jamie spent his whole life trying to make someone else happy and now, maybe for the very first time, he’s made himself happy.

I kissed him this time, hard. He started to lean back onto the table letting me fall on top of him when the door opened behind us.

         “Oi! Get a room,” Roy’s gruff voice called out.

         “Quite literally, we did, grandad,” Jamie shouted back, not taking his eyes off of me. I giggled and sat up to get off him.

Jamie whined, pouting at me but I waved him off. “Welcome to the celebration!”

Keeley and Roy came in with bottles of champagne. My conversation with Ted could wait until tomorrow. Right now, it was the four of us, Jamie’s hand in mine, Roy and Keeley laughing with us. A family. We were a family.

Taglist: @heletsmelovehim @higherthanheroes @ajax-petropolus-wife @oxxolovemelikeyoudooxxo @optimisticsandwichgladiator @kno-way-home @sleepy-time @wigglegiggle @skewedcherries @respondingtoshowerthoughts-blog @snubug @rana030 @ems-alexandra @jaymum @imfalling-inlove @littleesilvia @eugene-emt-roe

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for having an alter come out around my friend and making him uncomfortable?

This is going to require some context, so bear with me. I (23M) am diagnosed with DID. My family has been aware of it since I was around 6-7, we figured out exactly what it was around age 13, but I only began being open about it at age 20/21 due to a bad experience the first time I told a friend in my mid teens. This openness has been pretty gradual - I told my partner first, then my college, my counsellors, then some of my closest friends both IRL and online. This included my friend K (28M).

K and I have been friends since I was 14 and he was 19 after meeting via online RP, so a full decade, and we’ve talked pretty much every day since. We’ve met in person a couple of times over the years, though we’re both pretty busy and we live different countries so no more than that. He’s been super supportive of me since I told him, making sure to individually accommodate alters when he encounters them, and gets along in particular with one alter I’ll call E. E is probably the most ‘active’ alter (behind myself if I count), and is usually the one people first meet and speak to most often once they know. He’s very friendly and outgoing, the worst trait he has is that he’s been a little too blunt/unfiltered at times and hurt feelings which is always resolved quickly.

Also relevant to this is another alter, P. He is what’s called a persecutor - essentially an alter that harms the body and/or system in general for whatever reasons they may have. One way he has always done this is by trying to sabotage our friendships/relationships by telling them things I feel or think that I don’t, arguing with them/insulting them, playing on their worries, etc. It’s obviously unacceptable and something we’ve been trying to work on in therapy, but he’s very resistant to changing so it’s not always helpful.

K knows about P and has interacted with him a fair amount.

A while back, I asked K if we could meet up as it had been a while and I missed hanging out. We ended up arranging for us to travel to London together, stay at a hotel for a few days, and watch a musical while we were there. I was a little worried about another alter coming out while I was with him, because we’ve never been together longer than a day and a night, and I wasn’t sure how well he’d take it if a switch happened in person rather than online. I brought it up to him as a concern and he said it was completely fine, that he was prepared for it and wouldn’t be freaked out, etc.

I figured that the most likely alter to appear would be E, which wouldn’t be a big deal because they get along, so I accepted this. P is the only alter who’d potentially cause problems, and he hadn’t been active in several months, minus a couple of brief stints out, and while he was aware of the trip he had expressed zero interest in being part of it.

So cut to London trip. Everything’s going super well, we’re having a lot of fun, musical is great. The night after the musical, we decide to drink together in our hotel room. I have a mega high tolerance, but I know my limits pretty damn well, and I know exactly how much it takes me to get tipsy, Drunk, and black-out gone. I drank no more than usual and distinctly recall feeling completely fine, just a little buzzed and giggly like I usually am.

Flashcut to next morning. Can’t remember shit. Basically feels like I blacked out. I think this is weird because the amount I drank should not have been enough to cause that, but I DID drink and maybe nerves made me overdo it, so although I question it I end up writing it off. I notice K is a little quiet and doesn’t mention going out that day like we were sort of planning to, but I put it down to him being hungover and tired.

For the rest of the trip, everything’s fine. We’re hanging out as usual, he doesn’t act differently, he’s initiating hugs and affection, etc. I go home and see it all as a fun, successful time. We continue to message as normal from there.

Then weeks later, I wake up to a long message from him. The message basically said that while we were drinking on the trip, P had come out and had made him extremely uncomfortable. I asked him if anything had been done or said, and he said nothing in particular, but that knowing it was P made him feel unsafe and that it wasn’t a fun environment anymore. He told me that for the rest of the trip after that he’d been dissociating and feeing unsafe and that he didn’t know if he’s comfortable being my friend at all anymore, let alone meeting me again in person.

I was so caught off-guard that I couldn’t really process it because it felt so sudden to me and I hadn’t picked up on ANYTHING. I apologised Profusely, have been very very guarded around him since to ensure it doesn’t happen again even online as best I can, and I’ve been trying my best to work through it all and try to get more control over things with my psychiatrist.

At the same time however this has really thrown me off-kilter. I feel like I can’t be trusted to go out and do things, maintain friendships, meet people, without being unsafe to be around or having P ruin it. This is a decade-long friendship almost wrecked (and likely irreparably changed) by ONE NIGHT. I’m kicking myself for all the things I could have done differently - avoided the trip, gotten a separate hotel room, not drank - and I feel incredibly guilty and irresponsible, but I also feel so run-down and frustrated and depressed, because I can’t do basic human shit without this ruining it. Part of me is lost because he knew about this being a possibility, and explicitly told me it was fine. But I can’t blame him for reacting badly the first time he’s there for it in person either, especially because it wasn’t someone either of us expected. But am I going to need to go the rest of my life always watching myself around people and never letting my guard down and never letting myself relax or have fun in case a switch happens? I just don’t know. It was the first time in so long I’d just had fun and it resulted in this. It’s basically made me feel like a ticking time bomb and like every relationship I have is at risk of being ruined overnight if I relax at all.

AITA for agreeing to a trip and sharing a room when I knew a switch was a possibility and not taking into account that it could be someone who’d cause issues? Should I have taken more precautions?

What are these acronyms?

[clarisse0o]

Camp Wiegman-Part 69

Lucy Bronze x Ona Batlle

Alternative Universe : Military School

Words: 5K

Masterlist

———————————————————————

Monday, March 14; 9:30 AM - Manchester

A small routine had developed over two weeks. School continued, where I was pushing myself hard with revisions. It had become difficult to fit my friends into my schedule, but I had to make a choice. I wanted to pass my exam at any cost. I received some reproaches from them, though. Only Alexia and Alessia stood up for me. Maybe even Leah and Lotte now, too. Thanks to Alessia, I was able to talk to Leah and resolve our issues. She understood my intentions for studying, and I think she wasn’t as upset anymore about my relationship with Lucy.

"I just found it strange at first and was worried for you. I get that you're being careful. Now, give me some time to get used to it," she had told me.

I thought that was sweet of her. It wasn’t for nothing that I liked her so much. As for Lotte, we also had a conversation. I apologized for not remembering her. She was surprised and told me she had wanted me to figure it out on my own. Still, she accepted my apology, saying we could maybe reconnect now. I agreed, though I still struggled with the idea. I don’t think knowing each other from before changes much about our relationship today.

Outside of my friends, I’m happy with my life right now. Things with Lucy are going great. We spent a quiet weekend with her friends, which I needed after the last one in Barcelona. I’m still waiting to hear back from the galleries. It’s nerve-wracking, but I haven’t lost hope. I continue sending letters with Beth’s help and Lucy’s encouragement. On the other hand, I still haven’t called my mom. We left without seeing her, as she was called to the hospital urgently. In a way, I was relieved. I avoided confrontation at least. Knowing her, she probably thinks I’m angry at her. I can’t blame her; she’s borne the brunt of my outbursts. Lucy advised me to contact her soon, but I haven’t had the courage yet. I still feel guilty about what happened. One positive thing is that I’ve long been prepared for the idea of marriage. My father drilled it into me, and I’ll go through with it, if only to honor his memory.

"Are you okay?" Lucy asks, pulling me out of my thoughts.

I jump slightly. We were in the car, on the way to my meeting at the gallery with Mr. Fields. I was glad Lucy was coming with me. At least we’d get to spend some time together outside of school.

"Yeah," I exhaled.

"Are you nervous?"

"A little… Not too much, honestly."

I had no idea what would come from this meeting. I had already resigned myself to not having high expectations. I didn’t want to be disappointed by the outcome.

"Actually, I wonder why I even accepted this meeting. I should have declined, and it would all be over."

"Don’t say that. We don’t know what’s in store. Maybe it’ll go well, and he’ll offer better solutions."

"Hmm..."

I love her optimism. I’m not as hopeful. Maybe she’s just trying to reassure me. We arrive at our destination. This time, it’s the real gallery in the center, not the workshop. Mr. Fields said he’d be here today. He insisted that Lucy accompany me, and I couldn’t be happier. We walk into the building, and I’m struck by its splendor. Everything is beautiful, modern, white, and sleek. There are so many paintings on display. Some are for sale, others aren’t, or at least that’s what I gather since some don’t have prices. I feel a bit lost. I see Mr. Fields nearby, but he doesn’t seem to have noticed us. He’s talking to no one in particular as he approaches a woman at the reception. She notices us and looks uncomfortable as he gives her cold instructions before walking back down the hall he came from.

"Great start," Lucy whispers.

I nod slightly, focusing on the paintings to keep myself busy. The receptionist has seen us, so I assume she’ll come over. My mind wanders a little. I wasn’t expecting a gallery like this. Could I work in a place like this? It’s so large. Honestly, it’s massive. I don’t even dare explore the whole place. I understand its reputation now. This isn’t my thing. I’m not sure I belong in an environment like this.

"Hello, can I help you with something?" the young woman approaches us.

She seems uncomfortable, and I get it. Her boss spoke to her like dirt right in front of us without even realizing it. She knows we saw everything. Seeing me frozen, Lucy steps in first.

"Hello. We have an appointment with Mr. Fields."

"Oh yes, he mentioned your arrival. I’m sorry, I can’t remember the name he gave me, though."

No surprise there… Lucy nudges me to snap me out of my daze. The woman looks at me, waiting for an answer.

"Batlle. Ona Batlle, that’s my name."

"Yes, that’s right. Thanks for reminding me. He’s on the phone, but I’ll let him know you’re here. Feel free to look around while you wait."

"Thank you."

"Excuse me," Lucy stops her. "Are you an apprentice here?"

The young woman turns bright red in front of my girlfriend. Okay, I’ll admit Lucy can be quite intimidating when she wants to be, especially with that serious look. Why is she asking about this? The woman stammers a sort of "yes" before hurrying away. I sigh and start fiddling with my fingers. I’m starting to feel stressed, and I don’t like it. I wait until she’s far enough before turning to Lucy.

"I’m not feeling good about this," I mumble. "And why did you ask that question?"

"Relax, I’m here. I just wanted to know. Do you still want this job?"

Lucy is completely calm. I can tell she’s up to something. I shrug.

"I... I don’t know. This environment isn’t really me," I admit hesitantly.

She smiles and runs her hand through my hair.

"I know, but we’re not leaving now that we’re here."

"Fields seems really busy."

"Hmm, you’re right. I hope he’ll give us the attention we deserve, or I’ll get mad quickly," she tells me. "He’s already late," she points out.

I laugh softly. If he’s late, he’s definitely not winning any points with Lucy. I hope she’ll be able to keep her cool. I’m glad she’s with me. Unlike me, she has enough character to speak up if necessary.

"Hey," she says, catching my attention. "Don’t feel so uncomfortable, okay? If Fields wanted to meet with you, it’s because he believes in your talent."

I blush, feeling easily seen through.

"Do you want to know what I think?" she continues.

I nod. I think I need to hear what she has to say to lift my spirits.

"I think your talent is even bigger than this empire, so don’t lose confidence because of this," she says, gesturing to the room around us.

"Are you sure...? Then why do I feel so uncomfortable?"

"Because it doesn’t reflect your personality, but that has nothing to do with your talent. What I’m trying to say is that not every gallery will be the right fit for you, but that doesn’t mean you should doubt yourself. Okay?"

I take a deep breath and nod. I knew I could always count on her to lift me up. I felt like a burden in the middle of all this.

"It’ll be fine," she reassures me with a gentle pat on my back. Maybe things don’t happen by chance after all...

"Ladies!" a deep voice calls out, startling me. "What a pleasure to finally have you here."

Mr. Fields walks out of the hallway he had disappeared into and comes toward us. It seems he really hadn’t noticed us before... I force a smile.

"How are you? Come on, let’s go to my office."

His initial question, just for formality, is quickly forgotten. He leads us to his office. It’s more spacious and better furnished than the one in the workshop. Everything is so different from my first meeting with him. There’s no doubt he must host more people here. It’s more contemporary and softer. The one in the workshop was clearly more personal and better decorated in my opinion.

"Please, have a seat," he said, motioning to the chairs in front of his desk before walking around to sit down.

Lucy let me take a seat first before joining me. Her presence gave me confidence. She made me feel safe.

"I'm happy to finally meet you, Miss Bronze. May I also speak to you informally?" 

A lump formed in my throat. During our first meeting, he had addressed me informally without asking. I hate people who seem to have more respect for some than for others. It feels like he's categorizing people to decide how to speak to them. He doesn't help me feel any better. It’s like he’s a completely different person, someone I’ve never met before.

"If you like. It’ll make the conversation easier."

He smiled, nodding.

"Oh, excuse me. I have a call," he said, touching his ear.

Until then, I hadn’t noticed, but he was wearing an earpiece. Now I understood why he seemed to be talking to himself earlier.

"Would you like a coffee before we start?"

"No, thank you."

"I'd love one," Lucy said at the same moment.

"Alright," he chuckled. "I'll go get that for you. Would you like anything else, Ona?"

"No, thank you, I'm fine."

"I’ll be right back."

I rubbed my hands together as he left. He took the call. I could hear his voice echoing in the hallway. What a jerk... He dared to take a call in the middle of our meeting. It’s so disrespectful. I jumped slightly when Lucy placed her hand on my thigh.

"Hey, are you okay? Is he making you uncomfortable?" she asked, frowning.

"No, I'm fine..."

"Ona. I can still tell when you're not alright, so don’t lie to me. I don’t like that."

"He seems different. But really, it’s okay. It’s the place that’s making me nervous."

This time I wasn’t lying. I know my reactions affect Lucy, and that’s the last thing I want right now. She nodded understandingly, taking my hand and kissing the back of it.

"Relax, okay? I’ll handle the talking."

"No, ple-"

"Shh. I hate seeing you like this. I’m just going to ask him a few questions. Let’s see if he gives me the answers I want."

"W-what do you mean by that?"

"I want to know if this place is right for you. We’ll see based on his responses," she said, shrugging.

"And if it’s not?"

"If it’s not, I’m not letting you work somewhere you won’t feel comfortable. You’ll just end up hating your job, and that’s not the point when you’re just starting a career."

I bit my lip, lowering my head. She quickly lifted it back up with her fingers, brushing them gently along my chin.

"I fully intend to put this guy in his place when he gets back."

"Y-you’re really going to do that?"

"I’d do anything for those beautiful eyes of yours."

"And what if we manage to negotiate a chance for me to work here?"

"Then it could stay an option, if you have nothing better," she sighed.

I smiled, realizing that the idea didn’t seem to thrill her. It was adorable how she was acting.

"Baby, if this interview doesn’t lead anywhere, don’t see it as a failure, okay? I’m sure there’ll be other galleries that will appreciate you a lot more."

"You think he’s going to conduct the whole interview over the phone?"

"He better not if he doesn’t want to face my wrath. That’s exactly why I’m planning to set him straight."

I smiled despite myself. That was exactly what she was aiming for, given the grin she flashed back at me. Footsteps echoed in the hallway, giving us time to adjust ourselves before he ended his call and opened the door. As he re-entered, he smiled and made his way around the desk. I already missed Lucy’s touch, but I knew that here, she had to play the role of my manager, not my girlfriend, unfortunately.

"Here you go," he said, placing a cup in front of Lucy. "Careful, it’s hot."

"Thank you."

"Do you take sugar?"

"No, no, it's fine like this," she replied as he placed a glass in front of me.

"I thought I'd bring you a glass of water, just in case," he said with a small smile.

He’s so fake. I hate it. But I thanked him anyway. He finally sat down in front of us. Our meeting should have started half an hour ago, and I had to admit it was getting tiring that he kept doing his own thing without acknowledging us.

"Alright then. Let’s not waste any more time. I apologize, but I’m very busy today, with many appointments and important calls."

"We noticed," Lucy remarked pointedly. "I hope we won’t be interrupted again."

He didn’t respond to the comment, but his expression showed he didn’t like it. He seemed uncomfortable. He tugged at the sleeves of his suit and clasped his hands on the desk, sitting up as straight as possible.

"Certainly, we’ll make sure that doesn’t happen again," he muttered. "Well, then. The reason we’re here is that I’ve offered Ona a position as an apprentice at my gallery next year."

"A position in Cardiff," Lucy corrected.

I stifled a smile. For some reason, it seemed like she was irritated. She wasn’t holding back at all. I recognized her now, acting like she did in the beginning, with that heartless demeanor. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see that Fields was a bit thrown off.

"Yes, that’s right," he responded as calmly as possible.

"And why is that?" she pressed on.

Her tone had shifted completely. She was clearly challenging him.

"I must admit that I was a bit surprised by your decision. You have an enormous gallery at your disposal, and yet you can’t find a spot for her here? Ona has already made a long journey to Manchester, she’s settled in, stable, and now you want to send her elsewhere."

Fields was momentarily at a loss for words, as was I. She had asked me to trust her, and now I was starting to understand why. She was protecting me while trying to find common ground. I shouldn’t be surprised. She would always fight for what’s best for me. Fields, who had been eager to meet her earlier, must have been regretting it by now.

"Well… I must admit that Ona’s application came in rather late," he replied without faltering. "I’ve already promised two apprenticeships to other students for this gallery. It’s difficult to take on a third, knowing that I already have two students moving into their second year. That’s why I suggested Cardiff. It’s the closest gallery I own in the area. I’ve already coordinated with the school, should you be interested."

He pushed some documents toward us. He had prepared everything. There was an enrollment form for Cardiff’s school right in front of us, pre-filled with the company’s details. Lucy had been right. He had no intention of leaving room for negotiation. The student’s section was still blank, and something told me that if it weren’t me, he’d have no qualms about finding someone else.

"I understand this is a tough decision, but you have to understand that I receive a lot of applications. Ona is incredibly talented, which is why I made this offer, but she isn’t the only one. I hadn’t even planned on taking an apprentice at Cardiff since it’s just opened. This is a significant opportunity I’m offering."

I looked at Lucy after hearing this. He knew how to respond too. She remained focused on Fields. It was a real battle between them. One thing was certain: he wasn’t willing to accept any other alternatives.

"And from what you’ve said, Ona seems to be doing quite well. I didn’t think a change of city would be an issue."

"It is an issue. She’s found stability here with new friends and even a relationship. You don’t realize it, but you’re asking her to leave everything behind."

Fields absorbed Lucy’s words with understanding. Maybe he wasn’t exactly the person I had described earlier...

"I see. You are in a unique situation, but I’m not sure I can offer anything better. I’ll have to take a look before giving you my final answer."

"Alright..." Lucy murmured, sounding as surprised as I was by his retreat. "May I ask what her tasks will be?"

"Of course. I’ve already discussed this with Mr. Davis, the head of my new agency. There will be no shortage of work. He wasn’t convinced about taking someone on, but I managed to persuade him."

"I’ve noticed the young woman at the reception is an apprentice. Will Ona be doing similar tasks?"

"Yes, of course. She’ll have the opportunity to vary her responsibilities. Reception work will be part of it. »

- She won't just be doing that, right?

- No, he replies with a small laugh.

He had realized by now that she was defending me. I saw him bring his hand to his ear. He had another call, I was sure of it. I wasn’t the only one who noticed.

- I hope you're not going to take that call, my girlfriend warned him.

- Excuse me, we have an exhibition opening this weekend, so there’s a bit of stress, she laughs. I'll call back later, he adds, taking off his earpiece.

- Hmm... Can you elaborate now?

- Well, yes, the tasks then. Ona will have the opportunity to work in the studio, of course. She’ll be able to practice and learn with the other apprentices, and then, who knows, maybe even exhibit her work. It’s rare that we sell them since they’re not professional, but exhibiting is still an opportunity to be noticed by potential clients.

- OK... But I sense there’s a “but.”

- Indeed. There will be alternation between the apprentices. Sometimes they’ll be here in the gallery, interacting with buyers and handling tasks we assign them. It might not be the best part of the job, but I believe it’s a good experience for them.

- We saw you shouting at one of them earlier. At least, you didn’t seem very approachable and didn’t even notice us.

He takes a deep breath. Lucy is perfect. She doesn’t attack him, but she knows how to unsettle him in other ways.

- True. We sometimes get stressed and lose our composure. Of course, that won’t fall on you, but it might happen from time to time, he tells me.

- All right. Will she be invited to exhibition openings?

- Yes, yes, of course. She might even organize one. Well, not at the beginning, but that will be part of the learning process—learning the organization and maybe even assisting if she stands out among the other apprentices. It’s a kind of reward for us.

I nod. The job description is more than interesting... I’d be crazy to say no...

- So, you guarantee she’ll have the opportunity to improve her art through all this?

- Normally, yes. We do allow them some time, but let’s not have illusions. It will be a small part of your work here. You’ll be able to practice the most at school.

School. I had almost forgotten that detail. It’s true that that’s where I’ll get the most help to improve. Still, I hope to have some opportunities for professional advice here. I have my doubts about that. This guy gives me the impression he's selling us a dream, but in the end, we’ll just be there to keep his business running. That’s definitely not what I’m looking for. If I want to do this job, it’s out of passion, not for anything else.

- How big is this gallery? Lucy asks.

- It’s the largest one here. The studio was recently relocated to expand the gallery. As for the one in Cardiff, it's just slightly smaller than this one. However, we managed to keep the studio in the same place, which is obviously better.

- Are you planning to expand your circle even more?

- Definitely, yes. If the Cardiff location does well, there’s a good chance new branches will open in the south, he replies proudly.

- You manage everything by yourself?

- Yes. I don’t like delegating.

- So, the training won’t be from you.

- No, indeed. My agency managers usually handle that part, especially for the studio. However, that doesn’t stop me from overseeing my apprentices, I assure you. I keep an eye on everything.

They all say that... The one reassuring thing is that I won’t have to deal with him often in that case.

- OK, Lucy murmurs. I think I have my answers.

- Do you need more time to make your decision?

- Actually, yes. We’ll accept the offer if you can work something out regarding the location.

He raises an eyebrow at her request.

- I’ve been following Ona since her first day at school, and I can guarantee you that a change of environment won’t do her any good. She’s built a life here, so for her well-being, if we can negotiate that point, I think it would be perfect.

He sighs softly, running his hand through his hair. This doesn’t seem to suit him. He expected us to accept after he sold us on the position.

- Very well, I’ll get back to you in that case, but I can’t promise anything.

- No problem. The important thing is that you’ll have done your best to solve the issue.

- Do you have any other questions?

- No, I think that’s all.

- Good, then we can conclude here.

- Yes. We won’t take up any more of your time. Have a good day, she says, offering him her hand.

- I’ll walk you out anyway, he says, standing up.

I didn’t open my mouth once during this interview. In a way, that suits me just fine. He walks us to the entrance, where we shake hands.

- Thank you for your hospitality, Lucy says.

- It was a pleasure. We’ll be in touch in a few days.

One last goodbye, and we’re outside. I’m happy to take a deep breath of fresh air. I was starting to feel suffocated.

- Well, that’s that... Lucy murmurs. Do you want a hot chocolate? My treat. We can talk about the interview while we’re at it.

- If you’re being so kind, I can’t say no, I say, making her laugh.

I wasn’t going to tell her, but if I could skip a few hours of school, I was happy. It was clear I’d rather spend time with my friend.

Monday, March 14, 12:00 p.m. - Cafeteria.

Our little outing ended at a small café downtown, where Lucy had a coffee and I had a hot chocolate. I realized that Lucy hadn’t even touched the hot drink she’d ordered during the interview. We had a long discussion about it. Mr. Fields' answers were satisfactory, though Lucy still thinks he’s taking advantage of me. She believes he wants to make me work like low-paid employees. Yet, he’d sold the position to me pretty well. Maybe a little too well... She might be right. She explained that she’d already fallen victim to one of those companies before and doesn’t want the same thing to happen to me. I agreed. It was, after all, my only response. It would be foolish not to wait for the other offers now. So, we agreed to wait before giving an answer. Lucy plans to ask Beth for her opinion and to put some pressure on her to use her connections. I don’t like doing that, but at this point, I had no choice. Mr. Fields was right when he said I applied late... I might not get many positive responses, and that thought is starting to scare me. We went back to school afterward. We arrived at 11:30. Lucy didn’t push me to return to class. She wanted me to have lunch with her, but I declined the invitation. Meals are the only time I’m sure to be with my friends, so if I took that away from them, it wouldn’t go over well. She understood and let me spend my half-hour working in her office. I managed to finish my homework and I think I’ll skip my revisions tonight. It’s good to take breaks sometimes.

- Oh, you’re already back?

- Hey, I greet Alexia, whom I was waiting for at the cafeteria. Yeah. We got back half an hour ago.

- Cool! So, how did it go?

- Meh... I’ll explain later, I say as I see our friends approaching.

- OK... she says with a small pout.

- I’ll be around tonight, so we can talk then, I reassure her.

- Really? she says, surprised.

- Yeah. My homework’s done. Plus, Bronze thinks I’m working too much. She says I look tired. She wants me to take it easy.

She’s not wrong... We’ve barely seen you these past two weeks.

I shrug. Losing myself in my revisions allows me to forget everything else, in a way. It’s an escape like any other. Knowing Lucy, she must have realized it’s becoming an obsession.

- You’re not going to start, right? I replied with amusement.

- Oh no, she said, raising her hands in surrender. I said it, but I’m not saying anything.

- Of course, I chuckled. Anyway, I just wanted to say I’ll be there tonight.

- Really? Alessia, who I noticed was on my other side, asked. And what about your interview? It was super long, wasn’t it? You’ve got a morning to catch up on now. But be happy, you missed a surprise test from Johnson. He was upset because no one informed him about your absence after you left during second period. I think he wanted you to take the test.

I groaned in frustration. Johnson was the least of my worries right now. I hadn’t thought about the catch-up work. Skipping three hours of class had been nice until then.

- Damn, I cursed. Do I have a lot to catch up on?

- No, don’t worry. We got a lot of handouts, so I took them for you. I even got ahead a bit for you while I was at it. That way, you won’t try to dodge us tonight.

She nudged me with her shoulder, laughing. I smiled, picking up my tray to follow Ale to our table.

- That thought hadn’t even crossed my mind, you know, I joked. Thanks anyway, that’s really kind of you, I said. Do you think I’ll have to make up the test? What was it on, by the way?

- I don’t think so. It was on the last lesson. He felt like a lot of people were distracted recently, so he wanted to put everyone back in line. It was on those charts. You know what I mean, right? I think you understood it.

- Yes, yes.

- Well, look at you, becoming a pro, Ale teased.

- I wish, I sighed. I’m still far from it, unfortunately.

- Don’t say that. You’re doing really well.

- It’s only thanks to my revisions and Bronze’s help, otherwise, I’d be drowning.

It feels strange to say my girlfriend’s name. It’s like I have to think twice before speaking. Even though a lot of people already know, I wouldn’t want everyone at the table to find out. That would be quite dramatic, almost scandalous.

- Oh right, Alessia continues. We also got the date for the field trip after you left. Bronze didn’t tell you?

- Uh, no, I frowned. When is it?

- Next Thursday. The questionnaire he gave us is due by Monday at the latest.

I let out a heavy sigh. What a great time to hand out a questionnaire like that. We’re already so overwhelmed. We’ve got six weeks left, which means three before the next break. We received our exam schedule and convocations last week. Our exams will take place at the end of May. That’s why I’m putting so much pressure on myself. The serious stuff is finally happening. We’re in the final stretch, and it’s terrifying. If I fail, all my efforts will have been for nothing.

- Great, I muttered.

- Oh, come on, it’s not that bad. I took a look at it, and it’s mostly general questions about the company. There are also two or three management questions. Anderson said those would be the points discussed during the trip, so it’s important to fill it out properly.

I nodded, my mind elsewhere. Come on, just a few more weeks to get through... There’s so much pressure. Not to mention the anxiety about my future. What a mess! I really hope I can hold on until then because I’m slowly starting to feel overwhelmed. If there’s one thing I’ve gotten used to this year, it’s the stability Lucy has brought into my life, and I’m determined to do whatever it takes to keep it.

[marmorafarms]

Maybe 14 and or 33 with Seb for the otp prompt?👉👈

I really enjoy Reading your writing, especially your HC!💖💕🙇thank you for your hard Work💖

What about both in one fic hehe

And thank you so much! You are so sweet! I'm so happy you like my writing and my thoughts about the bachelors! 💖

14. "If you do that one more time I don't think I'll be able to control myself."

33. "I don't want them I want you."

I hope you enjoy!

Seb x female reader

18+ for a very suggestive scene. A tiny bit more than suggestive, actually. No true smut, but I could be convinced to write a second part...

Three months.

This had been going on for three fucking months and Sebastian was tired of it.

Or, wait, hold on. Sebastian sure thought it was obvious he liked you. It seemed like everyone had gotten the memo except for you.

He knew he didn't have a right to feel that way. It's not like he was official with you or anything. Sure, it was obvious that you two were into each other, but you weren't an item. You hadn't even kissed!

Maru had approached him, bluntly asking if he liked you, Abigail, or both. Sebastian had been thrown.

"Maru, you're my favorite sister and everything--"

"I'm your only sister."

"Right. Well anyway, I have a tight deadline and I really can't afford to answer your weird ass questions right now." Sebastian typed away on his computer, but didn't fail to see Maru's eyes narrow.

"You're avoiding the question."

"Maru I don't like Abigail!" Sebastian had said, exasperated. "I haven't liked her for a year now. You know exactly who I'm into."

Maru nodded, looking thoughtful

"I only ask because she seems convinced you are head over heels for Abigail."

Since this conversation, Sebastian had been trying to figure out how best to make sure you knew he liked you. And then it hit him. A bouquet!

Quickly, he rushed to Pierre's, practically throwing his money at the man before snatching the flowers. He didn't walk, but ran to your farmhouse, hoping against hope you were there.

Sebastian didn't see you in your field of crops, and jumped when he heard his name called out. He turned, and saw you by one of your silos, clearly having just filled it up.

He walked with purpose over to you, bouquet hidden behind his back. Sebastian wasn't convinced that you hadn't already seen it, but hey. It was the romantic thought that counted, right?

"What are you doing here?" you asked, looking surprised.

"I have something for you," Sebastian said.

"Oh?" you asked, head tilting like a confused puppy.

Sebastian took a deep breath in, and then presented the flowers with a flourish. You simply stared, and his heart pounded.

"Well, say something!" Sebastian said.

"This...but..." you said, looking flummoxed.

"But what?" Sebastian asked, annoyed that you hadn't taken the bouquet from him.

"I thought you liked...others," you said softly.

"Others?" Sebastian said, frowning.

"Like Sam. Or...or Abigail," you said, not meeting his gaze. Sebastian let out an annoyed huff, causing you to look up.

"I don't want them, I want you!" he said.

Your eyes were as big as dinner plates, and you took the bouquet from him with shaking hands.

You took one step forward, and then another. Gently tilting your head, you placed a chaste kiss on his lips.

"I accept," you said with a smile.

Beaming, he kissed back. But this one wasn't innocent. It was full of passion and desire. He pressed you up against the silo, lifting one of your legs and wrapping it around his hip. He rocked his hips against you, and you moaned into his mouth.

"Fuck Sebastian..." you panted.

"That's the idea," he said with a grin. He rocked his hips against you, more forcefully this time.

"If you do that one more time, I don't think I'll be able to control myself," you said, locking eyes with him.

"Outside? Against the silo?" Sebastian asked. "You wouldn't."

"Wanna bet?"

[sammy8d257]

Did you know that in a recent video Alan made with DJ he confirmed that TSC, Green, Yellow, Red and Blue are around the ages of 10 to 12 years old. He also said that they are just really smart children. I really like that they just young kids, makes their mannerisms and child like behavior make more sense.

Hmmm... okay, I want to preface with saying that I'm happy you find joy in headcanoning the Color Gang to be 10 to 12 year olds. I'm glad you like thinking they're kids.

BUT

I've seen a lot of people use that clip of Alan saying they're 10 to 12 year old kids as canon. And like, frankly, I don't see how it can be.

(Goddamn, this is long as hell. Click on the "Keep Reading" if you want to see my entire rant but

TLDR;

It's fine if you see the Color Gang as kids in the range of 10 - 12, more power to you, but I don't see it as canon because it doesn't make sense to me and I personally can't relate to them. So I see them as young adults. )

First off, I honestly don't trust anything Alan has to say when it comes to what is or is not canon to the videos because Alan has said via his Members discord that there isn't any concrete "lore" for the characters and the world aside from a paragraph of personality traits for the Color Gang. While I myself, am not in the Discord, I have a friend who sometimes talks about stuff in there with me. A lot of the things story and lore things he and the team make up as they go. He will just say stuff without really considering previously establish canon.

(Trust me, I know. I've spent so much brainpower trying to connect the stick figure world together in a cohesive manner, its not even funny anymore aldkglsjsgs /lh)

No knock to Alan and his Team though. I understand that AvA/M is an on-going series with SO MANY videos to keep track of. It'd be hard to keep everything inline with lore if you don't have a dedicated keeper of it. But that's the reason why I take anything Alan says outside of the animations themselves, with a grain of salt.

SECONDLY,

Let's break down this "canon" scene shall we?

Actually, lets start a little bit before the scene, so everyone can get some context:

( https://youtu.be/Oz5mDcDK9I4?t=4668 )

The scene is Purple going off with King, to which DJ says:

DJ, voicing over King: Come on son, let's go

DJ, voicing over Purple: Bye guys! I'm gonna go hangout with my adopted dad. I'm 32.

[Alan and DJ laugh]

Alan: Maybe he is.

DJ: That'd be so weird if you find out all the characters are like in their 30s. [more laughs]

Alan: Yeah even though the internet hasn't been around that long.

DJ: Yeah, that's true. How old are they, like since their creation, I guess?

Alan: Huh, good question. ... 14?

DJ: 15? No...

Alan: Probably like 10, 12, 13,

DJ: Yeah, yeah. Which is cool because I feel like they act around then

[Alan laughs]

Alan: Yeah, they're just very smart children.

[END SCENE]

Just reading this, it looks like Alan confirmed that they're 10-13 year olds right?

Yeah if you ONLY look at this and not take into account the joking and non-serious tone both Alan and DJ had throughout this entire conversation. They like joking around and saying things. That's kinda their whole thing during their reacts. Alan is a more dead-pan but he was definitely making a lighthearted joke or comment playing off of the statement of them being 10.

Actually, lets go look at the question leading up to this.

"How old are they, like since their CREATION, I guess?"

Since their creation. AvA 4 is the video where Second and RYGB were first introduced and can serve as their creation date (assuming we're not taking about lore because while AvA 4 is Second's creation date, I'd argue the Stick Fighters were created prior and would in fact be older). AvA 4 premiered in 2014

Which is almost 10 years ago.

There is a high likelihood that both Alan and DJ were using the upload date of AvA 4 as the Color Gang's "creation date".

And if you want to headcanon a stick figure's age is how many years since their creation date, then more power to you.

To me that makes no sense because then that'd mean King is 2 years old. (AvM Parkour released April, 2021) Which is insane. alskdjglsjglsgd

I much prefer the idea that stick figures are created with an age in mind (baring the born stick figures like Purple).

And yeah, maybe Alan "intended" to make the Color Gang 10-13 year olds, but as I stated above, with how joking Alan and DJ were while discussing it plus Alan's whole thing about making things up as they go, I don't really believe it.

ALSO

Not to get too personal, but I just want to address something that's been bothering me with this whole thing.

The idea that because the Color Gang act childish = being children.

Because the sticks are heavily neurodivergent-coded

And as someone who is also neurodivergent, can act childish, see aspects of themself in these sticks, and is an ADULT.

Saying that people who act like this are children??

FUCKING SUCKS

Now I know, DJ, Alan, and probably even yourself Anon, don't mean any harm when you say the sticks act like children so they must be children.

But there is a LONG history of neurodivergent people getting infantilized because they display more "childish" behaviors like stimming or hyperfixating on specific topics.

So for at least me, someone who headcanons the Stick Figures as young adults, this who "age discourse" feels icky to me.

Plus, I personally can't relate to kids because I myself, am an adult. It's easier for me to relate to characters around my age range.

Listen, this rant is getting too long but here's the long and the short of it

There is nothing wrong with headcanoning the sticks as kids if that's what you want to believe that it's canon,

But it just ain't for me.

[reimeichan]

As I start nearing 30 years old, and also as I become more integrated, I've started exploring who "I" am, as a person, and as a single identity. I know that not too long ago I made a post talking about these aspects of who I am, as a person, post-fusion. But I've also been finding more and more bits and pieces of myself and working through my trauma since then, and as new information crops up, I'm starting to once again re-examine who I am.

Mainly, I've been exploring my gender and sexuality. My sexuality especially has always been very clear to me since I was 14. I'm asexual. Nothing had really changed that for well over a decade. And not for lack of trying, too; I explored my feelings on sexuality and sex for a long time and it was something I would regularly rotate around in my head. Am I truly ace? I enjoy reading hentai and watching porn and reading smut, does that mean I'm sexually attracted to people? I'm hypersexual, how does that factor in to my ace-ness? Am I maybe aro as well? Am I demi-ace? Is my asexuality a result of my trauma? Does that make my asexuality more or less valid in that way? I explored every aspect of my asexual identity as thoroughly as I could, and each time I emerged on the other side even more certain that "asexual" was the best and closest label to describe my sexuality.

But, now... as I work through these different parts of me and understand the bits of me I had dissociated away, I'm starting to become more connected to... having sexual attraction to others. It's not that I was wrong about being ace for all these years; I think it's important to honor and acknowledge that part of my history. But I also think that to continue to call myself "asexual" is doing a disservice to myself. I do find people "hot". I do think about and fantasize about people's bodies. It's no longer about just the act of sex or kink itself turning me on (as it had been when I was ace), I'm very much attracted to people's bodies. And in that way I think it's more accurate to tell others that I am bisexual. And... that's quite a change, for me. To start acknowledging that I have sexual feelings towards others, and am sexually attracted to them, is so new to me, when in the past this wasn't something I ever felt like I had experienced.

And similarly, my gender. The thing that I could never figure out, but with each passing day I find further clarity. I think I know how to explain my gender now. I was a girl. For much of my childhood, I was absolutely a girl. But as I hit my preteen years and my teenage years, that started to shift. I saw myself less as a girl, and more as something.... in-between and outside of that. Nonbinary. Agender. Androgynous. I don't know what term works best, but I know what it was for me. And again, in early adulthood, that shifted yet again. I was genderfluid, a girly guy, a femboy. But I'm not going to be a young adult for much longer, and I find myself looking into the future. In my middle age, who I am? Who do I see myself becoming? And, beyond that, who will I be when I'm even older, at retirement age or even as an elderly 80, 90 year old?

And as I think about this future version of me, I realize that I am no longer a genderfluid girly femboy. I'm... a guy. I'm a middle aged Asian man. I don't know if "transmasc" or "trans man" really is the best way to describe that, but it's the closest word I have for what I see and what I feel. But really, just calling myself a guy is enough I think. I'm going to be a middle aged guy sooner than later, and I want to take some steps for this future version of me so that he can feel more comfortable in his skin.

I'm still a femboy right now. I like this version of me and I plan to stick with it as long as it feels right. But I also know this isn't who I'm going to be forever, and that's okay.

It's so weird, exploring all of these feelings at my age, especially when I thought I had it all figured out. But life isn't so clear cut, and you're never too old to figure out who you are. And it's okay for things to change as you get older, too. Either way, I'm excited for whoever I end up becoming, and I'm proud of who I am right now.

[801080]

Masking

While I come to terms with the diagnosis I received earlier this year, I've been thinking over how masking looks to me. I really can't say if this is a universal experience, but from what I've consumed about ASD, the following seems to be standard.

This may be common knowledge but I want to share my experience. I do not want you to think that this post is prescriptive of Autism, but descriptive of my own experience that maybe yours is too.

The hardest part for me in unmasking was trying to figure out who I was before I started masking. I'm 32 now, and had been masking since I was 14. I had my second crisis of self in 3 years as I tried to figure out who I was and how much of me was masked.

The reality is that the mask is not a completely different person. It was still me, but I was actively and even passively suppressing parts of myself.

I was worried that the new interests I had attained during that time were not really me. That is not the case though, as there were some things that I had to actively pretend to like (which were most things), and some things I actually liked. That was my biggest crisis is trying to figure out which of my new hobbies (guitar, metal music, writing), were a performance.

If you are worried how much of you is a mask and what isn't, one piece of advice people give is to "find how you feel when you mask". It's not helpful when you don't know what is masking. The real question to ask yourself is "When I am doing this, am I doing it because it is expected of me?"

Masking feels like vertigo in the body to me. I'm mentally and emotionally off balance. It feels like fulfilling a perceived obligation even when you are alone. It is however a different feeling than depression. I guess I can say that depression is like feeling an obligation to yourself, and masking is feeling an obligation to others or to your social status. It can even feel like a betrayal of yourself.

[genichisojo]

Kagurabachi's Popularity: Familiarity Through Structure

Having a degree in writing and media is so fun because I can write an essay on why Kagurabachi can be defined as well written through craft standards and attribute its popularity overseas to its structure, which is framed similarly to western movies.

And I am!

After this interview confirmed that Takeru Hokazono, author of Kagurabachi, is a huge fan of western films, I went back to this idea I was playing with in October when KB had less than ten chapters. I had been reading since day one, and I knew it was good, and other overseas fan knew it was good. But what made it so good to us, overseas?

I made a quick thread on it on my Twitter account (that I never posted) where I mentioned Blake Snyder's Save the Cat book on script writing and story structure. I also brought up characterization and how it would've been really popular in my comic book class from undergrad. This thread discussed both Chihiro and Sojo, and the quick yet steady pace of the manga has given us more characters and moments to pinpoint. To not overwhelm myself, I'm not going to discuss the craft of characterization (maybe another time), and I'm not going to do a beat sheet for Sojo. For now, I'll try to stay under the first arc to map out why Kagurabachi has so far moved like a high budget film in manga form. So, spoilers ahead!

A quick lesson on Save the Cat, its three main characteristics are: Three act structure Fifteen plot beats Mostly applied to American Hollywood films

One of the biggest things I noticed right away was the resemblance a lot of the chapters, even the story as a whole, had to Snyder's beat sheet. This beat sheet that comes from Snyder's book is somewhat of an industry standard, so a lot of movies, even those that preceded Snyder, go through this structure of Act 1, 2, and 3. Snyder just identified the parts and broke them down to fifteen beats. Plus he dubbed the save the cat moment:

A decisive moment in which a protagonist demonstrates they are worth rooting for. Having the protagonist save a cat can be literal or figurative.

This was something KB needed and did have to have us warm up to Chihiro who post time skip, just gave gloomy orphan energy in the previous chapters. Here, Char would be our cat. Chihiro chose to save Char and chose to protect her, and continued to fight for her until she was rescued. He made this choice even before it's revealed that Char's mother died for her, something that would parallel Chihiro. This is what got readers to see him three dimensionally after being introduced to him. He's still the caring little 14 year old we saw at the start, who continues to take care of the innocent despite the tragedy he's been through. It is only natural for us to care for him, too.

Above are the fifteen beats of Save the Cat and although KB on occasion doesn't hit all fifteen exactly as specified, especially final image as it's continuing, the song and dance is quite similar. Here are examples of The Dark Knight (2008) and Inglourious Basterds (2009), two movies that have inspired Hokazono's work.

Before Chihiro meets Char, we get his opening image of him and his dad forging which is works well as the entire story revolves on the consequences of them creating weapons. We get the set up to his world where he lives with his dad who made famous katanas that wield the power to end a war. The theme is stated, and it's not kept a secret: The katanas they make are weapons made to kill people. Are they willing to carry the burden? In another variation of this question, is Chihiro willing to carry the burdens unintentionally passed down by his father?

The catalyst is his father's murder that catapults him into seeking revenge and recover the katanas.

Now, for the rest of the story, this structure can be applied to the first 18 chapters or even 1-3 chapters at a time which in my opinion, is kind of insane. There's story telling inside the story telling, and these moments are both subtle and grand, signs of a strong and captivating writer. Hollywood would kill for a script like this these days. In order to get you to believe me how prominent these beats are, I'm going to do arc one and Daruma's story. The main story line should be around act one and two right now as of chapter 20, if we want to get down into it, but if anything, this feels like it's moving like a second "movie."

Overall, this structure that comes from Hollywood movies can be identified in multiples parts of Kagurbachi's storytelling. I was going to do beat sheet's for Char and Sojo's stories as well, but I think this is enough of an example of a bigger picture versus smaller. Although other mangas also fall into three act structures, as most story telling does, KB masterfully uses the 15 beats to its advantage. I believe the familiarity of this pace is what hooked oversea audiences, and aside from that, the characters that quickly capture us.

Very quickly, because I don't want to make this about characterization, Chihiro is well written through his past, who he chooses to kill and save, his dialogue that can be surprisingly vulnerable at times, and his cool façade that melts because of how hot he truly runs. He is also straight up a badass. We get handed Char's background in an "all is lost" segment as well as some lore that can present her as a resource for the main cast. We see Azami's phone background photo that's minimum 3+ years old- a government employee with a soft spot for his friends, one who he is still clearly grieving. We get one tiny yet so fucked up bit of Sojo when we see him get a flashback where he's a child and his single dialogue of "I truly love Kunishige Rokuhira," that launched his type of villainy in the maniacal fanboy category. Who does it like that? Nobody but Takeru Hokazono.

Thank you for reading this essay! I do have two other essays drafted, one on Sojo's possible return (I'm a delusional Sojo fan) and just his overall significance and impact as the first villain even if he doesn't return, and on Hiyuki plus servant leadership versus self service.