#they ALL follow the same pattern too (fear of myself or loved ones being harmed) and i can connect this back to my CHILDHOOD

[charon-cries]

when OTHER people try to distract or comfort themselves, they call it "coping" and "self-soothing," but when i do it, it's a "mental compulsion" and "you have OCD"

[ed-recovery-affirmations]

So I hope you don’t mind my rant 🪻

Basically Ive been fighting my undiagnosed issue for years. I dont feel valid enough to call it an ED. But basically I went through a very stressful time years ago leading me to severely restrict my intake and only eat one meal a day which obviously lead to weekly binges. I purged everyday for several months. Lost a significant amount of weight. When the stressor left I maintained my new lower weight . the behavior persisted for years albeit to a lesser extent.

I had come to a place where while self conscious i was somewhat healthy. I ate well and enjoyed cooking and baking. I had treats without worries. I loved dancing and actually had energy to exercise and adored it. I did struggle with a constant urge to exercise though. Id been purge free for an entire year and I have been binge free for a few years

April comes and the stress of that time throws me back into restriction. At first I tell myself its okay. I make an effort to harm reduce and I eat three meals a day. Even with taking vitamins and exercising and losing weight the so called healthy way I have stomach pains and bloating, Im exhausted.

It continues and worsens and I restrict lower and lower. Often skipping a meal or only having one. My fatigue is terrible, I struggle to sleep and my anxiety is out of control. My skin is dry. My stomach gets painfully full easily. I am emotional. I cry all the time. I have sharp chest pains and I am cold. I an constantly dizzy and it is hard to breath when I stand up.

I am barely underweight. But I want to feel better.

Ive already been to the doctor twice but was too afraid to come forward about the restriction. Im going to a cardiologist soon.

Here is the real issue. I lied on the mental helath screening bcs I was afraid of being committted into a psych ward and My pcp recommended therapy. I made an appt and then cancelled. Since my anxiety is now so bad i cant manage i call to reschedule and try it and give it an honest effort.

Just the thought of going made me so upset I began purging again half of me wants to hide my issue from my therapist or cancel and the other half wants to come forward and see about getting help. This is also encouraging me to lose more because i feel i have to be sicker in order to get a diagnosis or be deserving of help. Im also so afraid of being committed or going to inpatient. It is my biggest fear. What do I do ?

I don't mind your rant, anon. It sounds like you're dealing with something really difficult and I think you are indeed allowed to call it an eating disorder.

I can understand your fear around being diagnosed, as it can change your life significantly. At the same time, anon, you will not be able to get help unless you take the steps to reach out for it (and follow through on them!) I know it's really hard and really scary, especially the thought of going to inpatient.

I get a lot of people saying "I feel like I need to be sicker." However, on the flipside, imagine all the people who've done lasting health damage to themselves, who may wish they'd gotten help before they'd gotten as sick as they did! An eating disorder is an eating disorder, and all sufferers deserve the opportunity to get help for the underlying cause of their disorder no matter what stage of ED they're in. You don't have to get "sick enough" to validate the fact that you're suffering. You can validate it to yourself. In fact, let me say it to you, anon. I see you. I see that you're suffering. You are worthy and deserving of help and support. I wish you healing.

(I'd like to add a sidenote here that just because you don't feel you look emaciated doesn't mean you aren't sick. Most human bodies have a LOT of safeguards against weight loss, especially in individuals who have a pattern of restricting, eating again, restricting, eating again...your body can still be struggling and deprived of nutrients even if it's stubbornly refusing to let go of pounds to try and keep you alive. It sounds as though your body is trying to express its distress to you in other ways, but are you ready to listen to it? That's up to you.)

I think you need to ask yourself what self-care steps you need to take in order to schedule a therapy appointment and stick to it. I think you know that the urge to comfort yourself by purging is counterproductive. What other things can you do to self-soothe in a healthy way? What are some small comforts you can use to show your body that you believe it deserves comfort and compassion while you work up the nerve to re-schedule?

When you do go to therapy, perhaps you could write down a script of stuff you're ready to talk about and stick to that script. A good therapist will gently push you but will also let you go at your pace and will not force you to talk about things that you're not ready to talk about. If you don't feel that connection with the therapist you meet, you can always search for another one. Yeah, I know, it's really hard to go through those steps AGAIN when you're already struggling so much. It's important, though. And when you're done, perhaps you can reward yourself with a treat. It doesn't have to be a food treat, if you are not at a point where you can effortlessly enjoy food. It can be any little thing that makes your body or soul feel rewarded, a fancy soap or a bath bomb, some art supplies or a little home decoration. Anything that helps you focus on giving yourself some love without engaging in ED behaviors.

You can go to cardiology, but until you're honest about what's straining your body, you'll only be putting band-aids on a much bigger gaping wound. I mean, still go to cardiology. But I think you know that you need to start treating the disorder, and finding ways to stay out of the disorder when stressful times come around.

I also want to address your fears around inpatient treatment. A lot of doctors and counselors will be willing to work with you around an outpatient treatment plan if you show that you want to heal and feel better and are willing to keep working toward that end. However, some people do end up in inpatient and I know it's scary to end up in a new environment and feel like all your control is being taken from you. But remember, while being able to engage in ED behaviors feels like you're controlling your life, every time you do it, the eating disorder takes more control of YOU. Think about it. You're already struggling. You're engaging in behaviors that take away the energy and time you had for the true joys in your life. You want medical professionals to help you, but you're not giving them the full range of information to help you. Do you feel like you're really in control of your life right now?

If you show willingness to work outpatient, I think your supports will probably work with you on this. However, I cannot 100% promise you will not end up needing to do inpatient. I know that's scary. You're allowed to be scared! I invite you to sit with that feeling and hold compassion for yourself and know that you're not the first person to ever be scared of going into inpatient. You also may have to talk about the possibility while seeking treatment. It's okay to be scared, I hope you know that. That's why I suggested bringing a script to therapy, so you can give your therapist a baseline for what you're able to confront right now. A good therapist will develop a rapport with you so that you feel safe working through scary topics. Healing is not the absence of fear, but knowing you have a safe person equipped with tools to help you cope with fear. Someone who will meet you with compassion, not judgment, and lay out your options for you in a way that you understand.

I wish you the best of luck in this difficult journey, anon. I hope you find healing.

[edwardelricsrightarm]

"A lesson without pain is meaningless. For you cannot gain anything without sacrificing something else in return, but once you have overcome it and made it your own...you will gain an irreplaceable fullmetal heart." - Edward Elric

In honor of disability month and the FMA 20 year anniversary I wanted to address some Thoughts™️ about the series.

It's not often you see a disabled protagonist in media where their disability is integral to the story without taking up their entire character, even more so with anime. Yet, Fullmetal Alchemist has not just one disabled Protagonist, but two. The Elric Brothers are an exemplary representation of disability in media that I find myself reflecting on often as a disabled person myself. If you haven't completed the manga or Brotherhood, skip this as it will be brimming with spoilers.

(Mangahood will be my point of reference because while 03 is good on its own merits it's not as fresh within my immediate memory, and I am far less familiar with it. Keep this in mind, I've watched FMAB 10 and a half times whereas I've finished 03 only once years ago.)

The story highlights their disabilities immediately, Edward being a double amputee and Alphonse being without his ENTIRE body, only having the senses of proprioception, sight, and hearing left. Yet, despite this being key to the story and an integral part of their characterization, it is only one facet of their motivations and doesn't take center in the narrative, which is refreshing. It's not inherently negative to make a narrative centered on the characters' disabilities, but often this model of a story goes very wrong very fast and starts to feel hollow (no pun intended). FMA avoids this by making their disabilities a clear part of the plot and their motivations without allowing it to consume the entire story, so the Elric Brothers don't suffer the "my disability is all of my character" problem that many disabled characters are relegated to in a vast portion of media, all while being strong and competent.

Recap:

The brothers wished to revive their mother, but their good intentions cannot change the atrocity of their mistake, Truth makes this abundantly clear from the start. Edward loses his leg first, a punishment for "stepping" into God's shoes and transgressing the place of humans in their world. Alphonse loses his entire body, unable to feel any warmth or simple comforts like food and rest, when all he wanted was to feel the warmth and comfort of his mother's embrace again. At first, Alphonse's entire being is consumed by the gate, but Edward acts immediately, refusing to lose his little brother and refusing to allow his arrogance in this plan to cause his brother's death for only following his lead. Edward gives his right arm to have the gate give back Alphonse's soul, and stated clearly in his panic that he'd give his entire self to save Alphonse if that's what it would take, but Truth took his dominant arm only, showing something akin to mercy, although the character of Truth is capriciously strict and hard to describe as "merciful".

Through giving up his right arm, Edward regains his Right Hand Man, his little brother and best friend. His only remaining family, who he feels responsible for protecting in the absence of their parents. He felt immediately that he'd made a grave mistake, instantly full of regret as he realized the gate had taken his brother. In that moment he was willing to give anything to take it back and undo the suffering his arrogance caused his brother, yet Alphonse was still to suffer more to come. Ed tied Alphonse's disembodied soul to one of Hohenheim's collected suits of armor, managing to at least keep his brother alive in some way. One could say that Alphonse's punishment functioned as a secondary punishment for Edward, showing him how easily his hubris could have cost him what he has left in his obsession with regaining what they'd lost, their mother. A very clear symbolic reminder of the weight of his actions and how he'd misled his brother in his own naive ignorance. Even in giving another limb away to drag his brother's soul back out of the gate, he couldn't offer enough to bring him back intact. Thus is the law of equivalent exchange.

Now that we've reviewed some of that basic symbolism and the motifs the story draws upon with limbs and body parts in relation to characters, let's move on to each individual brother and break it down, shall we?

Edward Elric is a very realistic protagonist, this is one thing a majority of us familiar with this series can agree upon. He feels like a believable teen boy, with layers of complexity to his character while also showing arrogance and immaturity that is unsurprising at his age. He expresses unwillingness to kill and avoidance of unjust violence from the beginning, and has a strong moral code after the ordeal of committing the taboo.

In some characters his cocky personality would typically become grating, yet the story explains in itself why he is this way, then builds upon this to develop him into an incredibly mature character who is willing to admit when he's absolutely wrong and adapts to new information and context for the crisis unfolding around him as it comes, even if he remains crass. This arrogance is shown from the start to be a manifestation of insecurity, self loathing, and repressed guilt. Edward is a logic driven person, he has a very unique thought process, which is where my interpretation of him as autistic comes in. Edward's awkward social demeanor, somewhat abrasive and cold approach to some, and his trouble coping with nonsensical societal structures all stand out in this way. Furthermore he clearly shows hyperfixation, hyperactivity, special interest, and infodumping behaviors that are all too familiar. He's picky with food (*cough* the milk thing), has very little filter and speaks his mind bluntly even if this can warrant conflicting responses, yet at the same time struggles with vulnerable emotions, and he is frustrated when his own routine or itinerary are interrupted by forces beyond his control. All of these things Scream autism with comorbid ADHD. Many traits are shared between the brothers, and I'm quite certain they're both on the autism spectrum based on behavioral patterns. Neurodivergence aside, Edward's physical disabilities are undeniable.

Despite his bratty persona, Edward is fundamentally kind and uncharacteristically gentle and soft around the edges for a shonen protagonist in many ways. He cries openly on many occasions even if he struggles talking about his trauma and burdens in words at times, he feels pain, grief, and compassion so intensely it throws him into action on a regular basis in the narrative. In this way he's also a fantastic example of non-toxic masculinity (though in other ways he has displayed more toxic traits, he's just a kid). He acts on his heart, even if he's led by his mind and logic in most things. His humanity, value for life, and care for others will always win over his logic, and he shows a sense of personal responsibility for doing the right thing even if it harms him in the process. Ed is clearly shown having ghost pains in his lost limbs which is honestly an interesting detail to include, I don't think I've ever seen that aspect of amputation shown in media aside from FMA. It's also shown that when Ed's automail arm breaks this is a HUGE problem for him, but he's also shown to be very good at working around this in difficult circumstances. He doesn't become completely helpless, even if majorly weakened.

Alphonse is an extremely lovable and compassionate boy, brimming with altruism and care for others. Even in his noncorporeal state he pursues a better future and he's not helpless by any stretch. Edward clearly states Alphonse is the superior fighter for example, and it's not just because of his armor body being so large. He's *talented*, that's a fact. Al is every bit as clever and capable as Ed, moreso in some ways, and I love that about his character *because* he's so clearly disabled. He has no sense of pain, he is completely incapable of sleeping, he can't eat, can't relax or find comfort, he can only exist and think. This causes him to overthink in all his time alone, this is debilitating. He clearly is absolutely sick of the loneliness this causes, and he often feels helpless though he's not. He has doubts and fears that consume him in relation to his armor body, he questions his own personhood, even. Yet, Edward is stubborn and staunch in affirming that no matter what he's dealing with, he is fundamentally still a human being that is loved and irreplaceable. Alphonse is powerful and his body gives him some advantages, but it also sets him back, and the brothers know this even when others claim Alphonse's state is somehow a good thing. I have hEDS, a disability that comes with advantages as well as the major downsides, so I can understand and relate to Alphonse here. I too am told my disability is a boon because of flexibility and because I'm less likely to fracture bones, but I'm twice as likely to injure my ligaments and joints, which people ignore.

The brothers are both disabled, both flawed, both show weaknesses, but they are competent, determined, and strong in their own right. They are rounded characters that exist for more than to be pitied or condescended to by able bodied characters around them. They put their entire being in everything that they do no matter what that is, and they don't know the meaning of giving up. These traits that they're made of truly make them a shining example of disability in protagonists for others to look to for reference when writing their own disabled characters.

Even though by the end Edward has regained one limb and Al has regained his body, this also doesn't just deus ex machina reverse their disability or make it go away. It's clear that Alphonse's body is weak and has to be rehabilitated upon recovery, and Edward is still missing his leg and bears the scars and pieces of the port from his automail arm. They weren't suddenly made able bodied upon recovering these things, they reclaimed what was lost through struggle and grit, but the narrative didn't give the impression that their disability in itself was something to be fixed, which is important. They wanted to recover their bodies, but this doesn't erase the effects of their disability.

It was about Edward atoning for leading Alphonse into their mistake and saving his brother from suffering further, it was about them proving they can keep moving forward no matter what, not about getting rid of their disability in itself or putting themselves down because of the disabilities. This, to me, as a mentally and physically disabled viewer, is so important. They achieve their goal, but this doesn't in any way erase or undo the effects of their initial losses, they find ways to adapt and move on but they're still affected and still disabled. They always will be. That can be so important to see in comfort characters, and as a disabled individual who's had both brothers as comfort characters since I was a child, their impact on my own journey is surprisingly tangible for fiction.

[nerdygaymormon]

What do you think about the possible excommunication of Natasha Helfer?

Before this week, the only thing I knew about Natasha Helfer is I’d read an article she’d written about masturbation being part of normal sexual development, and she doesn’t see it as sinful. I agree with her. 

Because of the publicity surrounding her summons to a membership council, I now know much more about her. 

She made a video about being summoned to a membership council scheduled for April 18th. For starters, a stake where she hasn’t lived since 2019 has decided to do this, which seems strange to me. 

Here’s the things the summons letter cites as “misconduct”:

Support for same-sex marriage

Teaching that masturbation is part of a normative sexual-development journey and should not be seen as “sin” or as a reason to keep our youth from being considered worthy to serve or church activities

Her stances on sexually-explicit materials, aka pornography (she believes this is because she educates about using a values model vs an addiction model in the treatment of such concerns)

She’s been critical of Church leaders

Concerns she has encouraged people to leave the Church 

—————————

I went to section 32.6 of the General Handbook which lists the things someone may face a membership council. Frankly, the things listed in the letter sent to Natasha Helfer are not found in the Handbook. 

I suppose these could fit under the charge of “Apostasy,” because she publicly declares opinions different from the Church. Here’s what the Handbook says constitutes apostasy:

Repeatedly acting in clear and deliberate public opposition to the Church, its doctrine, its policies, or its leaders

Persisting in teaching as Church doctrine what is not Church doctrine after being corrected by the bishop or stake president

Showing a pattern of intentionally working to weaken the faith and activity of Church members

Continuing to follow the teachings of apostate sects after being corrected by the bishop or stake president

Formally joining another church and promoting its teachings (Total inactivity in the Church or attending another church does not by itself constitute apostasy. However, if a member formally joins another church and advocates its teachings, withdrawing his or her membership may be necessary.)

—————————

Natasha Helfer is a well-known LDS marriage counselor and certified sex therapist in Utah. She’s written several articles that have been widely read. She’s been a recurring guest on the Mormon Mental Health podcast, Mormon Matters and appeared on many other podcasts. 

She’s particularly sought out because of her training & expertise and her experiences in helping members of the Church overcome their sense of shame regarding sexuality. 

As a marriage counselor, she helps couples where one or both goes through a faith crisis, she says she doesn’t encourage anyone to leave the Church but honors their choices and helps them work through their thoughts & feelings, and also the effect it has on their marriage.  

Because of the news about her being summoned for a membership council, I’ve learned more about her positions. Here’s a list of some of the things I’ve seen in her writing: 

Sex Ed in Utah public schools should be comprehensive and accurate

Sexual assault is a crime & should be talked about as such

The LDS Church should know how to address sexual misconduct and sexual assault much better than it currently does

We should embrace and minister to our trangender neighbors, not fear them and make church difficult for them

Excommunication is cruel and unusual punishment which often is a traumatic experience used by the Church to silence its critics

Service Missions should be setup to be meaningful and seen as equal to proselyting missions

LGBTQ+ members should be affirmed and included in their faith community

LDS teachings & messages to LGBTQ+ members is akin to bullying and has real-world consequences on their mental health & lives

Fear of the BYU Honor Code actually causes many to not seek repentance for fear of academic punishment

The Church teaching that only certain families that fit the mold will get to enjoy the afterlife together is harmful. Mormon Heaven = Sad Heaven. She lists many groups who are harmed by this teaching, including: mixed-faith families, LGBTQ+ individuals & their families, families where someone struggles with addiction, single-parent families, families trying to deal with abuse & trauma, families dealing with mental health conditions such as bi-polar or impulse-control, family survivors of someone who died by suicide

When the Church rescinded the policy of exclusion against gay couples and their children, it should have been accompanied by an apology, not just a brief statement of the announcement with no explanation for the change

Social media isn’t the problem, how we use it is. If we’re keeping in touch with family & friends with whom we otherwise wouldn’t because of distance, accessing support you wouldn’t find in your area, obtaining ideas & resources, these are good. Comparing ourselves to others’ “best selves”, debating others, writing mean comments and such are not helpful. Too often people behave differently online than they do in person

We should wish people well when they leave our church and faith community and wish them well on their spiritual journey. We do a good job at celebrating newcomers even though many of them had to say goodbye to something in order to say hello to us

We need to speak of abortion more than as if anyone who gets one is evil. Even the Church’s position makes room for abortion in certain circumstances and we should be more nuanced in how we speak of it

Biological sex and gender are not binary. This may be LDS doctrine but the sciences of Biology and Psychology say otherwise

She supported the law ending conversion therapy in Utah of LGBTQ+ people

Racism is a public health emergency in the USA, racism is more than hate, it’s in our systems. It’s in our scriptures, our folklore, our culture, our history

Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. It’s acceptance and moving forward

She also has many articles & podcasts about improving marriage relationships, how to talk with your child about sex, tips for a mixed-faith marriage and similar topics directly related to her job as a marriage counselor and sex therapist.

I’m very impressed, from what I see. She is a tremendous force for good in our LDS community. We need people willing to speak the truth. 

—————————

Here’s two articles that especially impressed me. 

First is one is about masturbation, how it’s a legitimate way to meet one’s needs and some of the many benefits associated with sexual release. 

Second is one about pornography, the LDS culture gives pornography more power than it deserves with our blanket bans, secrecy & shaming, and calling virtually all porn viewing an addiction.

—————————

Frankly, based on what I post on my blog, I could be charged with all the same things that Natasha Helfer is being charged with.

Do I support same-sex marriage? Yes. Absolutely.

Do I think masturbation is a sin? No, and I think many Church websites, publications, and the General Handbook back up this view. 

Is masturbation a normal part of sexual development? Yes. And it has many benefits for individuals, especially singles like me, and even within a marriage

Is porn always wrong? I definitely can think of ways porn can be included inside a healthy marriage, perhaps as a way to help a partner get “in the mood,” or for someone with a higher libido to use along with masturbation, as part of foreplay, or even getting some ideas to spice up their love life. 

Have I been critical of Church leaders? You betcha. I think they’re wrong on LGBTQ+ topics and I say so. 

Do I encourage people to leave the Church? I don’t view myself this way, although I wouldn’t say that I try to get them to stay, either. It’s their path to walk. I know most LGBTQ+ people leave the Church, it’s the way our journeys normally go. I feel God has told me it’s fine for me to leave this church, so in no way do I think poorly of people who leave. This church isn’t ready for queer people and I don’t think God requires us to remain some place that harms us.

My understanding is we’re allowed to have beliefs that differ from the Church, as long as we’re not recruiting people to our side. Simply sharing your opinion or some differences in how you view things shouldn’t be something we can be punished for.

I suppose the difference between her and me is she’s seen as a high-profile individual and she’s using her credentials to give weight to her opinions, and I’m just some rando gay guy who has a blog.

[jessicajonesrp]

Public warning

Patricia Walker does not do well with lack of control. It’s a tendency passed down from life with Dorothy Walker, easily the most controlling non super-powered person she had ever met. For the first eighteen years of her life, most of Trish’s actions, from her clothes to her work to her every public word and expression, had been chosen for her by Dorothy, and the only real choice she had for herself was whether to give in and make life easier for herself or rebel and suffer Dorothy’s wrath.

 Her desire for the control she had lacked had left her with severe insecurity, eating disorders, and self medication through drugs, all issues she struggled with for a good ten years before channeling her need for control into efforts at bettering herself and helping others. She had finally reached a place where life was stable, heading in a direction Trish could be content with, if not fully satisfied.

 And then Kilgrave happened. First to Jessica only, without Trish having any idea why her best friend had suddenly vanished without contact for eight months, and then with the shattered mess it left her once Trish did know and struggled to support her. Then to Trish herself, when she, against Jessica’s orders and even pleas, involved herself in trying to draw him out and capture him.

 Trish knew she had not suffered anywhere near the level that her sister had from Kilgrave, but it was still enough to make her feel sick and cold when she remembered. She still occasionally had nightmares of his cold, snapping voice, telling her to shoot herself in the head, telling her to kill people she had never met before out on the docks. She still shivered in disgust when she remembered the feeling of his hands on her face, his lips on her skin, the terrible ambivalence of wanting to kiss him, enjoying it, even as every part of her true self screamed out in horror. And she could never forget Simpson’s hands around her throat, choking her nearly to the point of death at Kilgrave’s command.

 She had hated and feared the man from the first moment Jessica managed to stutter out what he had done to her. No, she had hated him before then, when she first saw the unnaturally shocked, broken state of her sister when she finally broke free from his initial control. Anyone who could hurt Jessica so deeply and so permanently earned her hatred without needing to know their identity.

 And now he was back. Again. As much as Trish feared for herself, for being used or even killed in his obsessive pursuit of Jessica, she feared even more that Kilgrave would damage Jessica even more deeply, that he would continue to pile up dead and damaged bodies around himself and place the blame at her feet. Jessica didn’t need this, not again. And if Trish could do anything to help or stop it, it would help her feel just a little bit more of a sense of the control she knew she didn’t really have.

 She made her way to her recording studio after first sending some of Heroes for Hires guards ahead of her to thoroughly check out the studio for any signs of danger from Kilgrave or any of his like, giving them a code phrase to use to insure that they would be able to alert her if he did show up and control them or others.  Trish had already called ahead to insure that all people were thoroughly searched for any possible weapons and passed at least twice through the metal detectors already installed before being allowed entrance. After receiving the all clear, she went, Jessica insisting on accompanying her, via one of Danny’s cars to the studio, passing through the checks put in place and heading straight to her recording studio and instructing the techs to set up for a live broadcast. She was aware of Jessica skulking behind her, hands shoved in her pockets, as Trish rapidly read from the speech she had just finished churning out.

 “Good afternoon New York City and beyond, this is Trish Walker with an urgent report coming to you from Trish Talk, by way of myself and all our associates at Heroes for Hire. Soon, a follow up broadcast will be coming your way via Channel 5 News with more information, but please, listen very carefully to this announcement for your safety and those of your loved ones.”

 Trish paused, swallowing, and snuck a glance back at Jessica’s impassive expression before facing the mic again and continuing. “Most of you may remember the terrible events of last summer, when the man whom called himself Kilgrave provided mass terror and destruction in our city and in far too many of our own lives and homes. It is to my great sorrow that I inform you that Kilgrave is not, as was believed, deceased. Kilgrave has made personal contact with myself and with-“

 Jessica made violent throat slashing motions behind her that Trish saw out the corner of her eye, and Trish edited her intended words smoothly.

 “With myself and my colleagues, and we have evidence to support that this is no hoax. Please be aware of yourself and those you love at all times. Know their whereabouts, establish coded phrases and patterns of behavior in order to test out the level of control the people in your life may have at any given moment. Kilgrave is a white male with a British accent, last known to have short medium brown hair and brown eyes. He tends to dress in a professional manner, especially in dark purple suits and ties, and he is considered a threat of the level of nuclear war. Do not approach him should you see him; instead do all you can to get away and call in our hotline at Trish Talk or Heroes for Hire to report a possible sighting. If you suspect that someone you know may be controlled, treat them in the same manner, do all you can to subdue them without causing permanent harm to them if necessary. Kilgrave’s powers last up to 12 hours, so do not under any circumstances try to reason with anyone you suspect to be controlled. If at all possible, wear ear plugs or head phones or listen to loud music when necessary to go out in public. Kilgrave cannot gain control of those whom are not within his direct path and whom cannot hear his commands. He-“

 “Stop,” a voice suddenly came over the ear, and both Trish and Jessica jumped, recognizing the voice after a moment as not Kilgrave’s, but female and American. Trish quickly identified the voice a second later as belonging to one of her tech support assistants, Chloe Ash. “The information is over.”

 “What the fuck?” Jessica hissed, shooting Chloe a vicious glower and striding towards her quickly. “Will you shut up, even I know to shut the hell up on a live recording, over something this damn important!”

 Trish tried to recover, giving a somewhat forced chuckle and speaking over them. “I apologize, there are some technical difficulties, but if you’ll bear with me I will make sure you all get the information you need. As I was saying, Kilgrave cannot-"

 “This information is too much, this recording is over,” Chloe repeated, more loudly and forcefully, standing up and taking the headphones off of her ears. She fairly shouted out her next few words, speaking loudly enough that Trish’s words were drowned out.

 “Loyal listeners, you will now hear the sound of a suicide by Chloe Ash, Patsy Walker’s employee. More are to follow in the names and as a direct result of the avoidance and rejection of Jessica Jones. Goodbye, loyal listeners, and know that Kilgrave is a patient man.”

 She head butted Jessica in the face when Jessica grabbed for her arm, ducking under her and weaving to the other side of Trish. As Trish leaped up, expecting Chloe to grab or try to harm her, the young woman instead ran to a small cabinet against the walls containing little more than sound equipment and various office supplies. Throwing it open, she grabbed a pair of scissors from its contents, opened the blades wide, and closed them around the front of her throat.

 She made no sound, showed no pain as she dragged the scissor blades more deeply into her skin, sawing back and forth to make as rough and deep a wound as possible. The live recording now picked up the sound of Trish’s horrified scream, her outcries of “Oh god, no, no!” as blood spattered in a wide arc just short of reaching her, and the noisy scuttle of multiple feet moving towards Chloe as others tried to reach her before it was too late.

 Jessica got to her first and wrenched the scissors out of her hand, breaking them in half and throwing them down so Chloe could not get them and use them any further. Tearing off her oversized sweatshirt, she pressed it against the woman’s throat, grimly noting how the blood immediately stained through its thick material and onto her fingers, how it had sprayed hot and thick over her arms and chest before she could touch her at all. The woman didn’t try to speak, likely couldn’t have, but she was losing all color in her face, her eyes already growing glassy and lifeless, and as Trish sputtered and tried not to vomit or pass out in the background, Jessica held onto the almost useless bloodied sweater, as though she could somehow keep the woman alive just by holding on tight enough.

 It didn’t matter. Within another minute the woman was clearly dead, limp and unmoving under Jessica’s hands, and she could hear the shrill noise of sirens in the background. Jessica let her drop to the ground, stumbling back and nearly yelling out loud when she bumped into Trish and felt her hands latch onto her arm.

 “We have to go, now,” she mumbled, giving her sister’s arm a rough tug.” Before someone else of his comes through in the aftermath.”

 Even as she lead Trish out of the room and building, she could still hear the dying woman’s words echo in her mind. More are to follow, as a direct result of the avoidance and rejection of Jessica Jones…

[bakubabes-tatakae]

A Kunoichi’s Betrayal || Kakashi x Reader x Obito/Tobi

With the brilliant idea by @chidori-mint​ we bring you this (Kakashi x Reader x Obito/Tobi) collab! I hope you all like it. 🥰

Find Part Two Here!

Pairing: Kakashi x Reader x Obito/Tobi

Summary: Just when you decide to finally close a painful chapter in your life and to embrace a fresh start someone from your past will come to face you again.

A/N: Rin does not exist in the AU.

Warnings: angst, major character death in beginning, smut, unprotected sex, non-con, violence

Word Count: 4.8k

*Four Years Ago*

Ninja came back through the gates, your wandering eyes searched for one particular ninja, but the dark-haired weirdo was nowhere to be seen. You searched and searched, running frantically through the crowd of people that were flooding back in. No one would answer you as you begged for someone to tell you where he was. Obito had to be okay, you sat out one mission due to being ill before they left, there was no way that something happened to him. 

Finally, you saw the blonde hair of a familiar man. You ran to your sensei, Minato, and when he turned to you you knew. His face read nothing but pain, not physical pain, but emotional. Your arms immediately felt heavy at your sides. Your body was completely numb. The silver-haired ninja next to him saw you dropping and ran to your side. You dropped to your knees on the ground, falling into the arms of Kakashi Hatake. The only words that he could muster were something you didn’t want to hear. It would never make the situation any better. “I’m sorry.”

Kakashi pulled you into his chest, muffling the sounds of your sobs as the people around you started to stare. This was all a joke, Obito would come running out soon to apologize for how bad of a joke it was. He had to. But when no one came you couldn’t stop yourself anymore. Your screams made Kakashi cringe, he had never wanted to see you like this. He had done everything in his power to keep this from happening. He held you tighter as you shook in his arms. 

Minato walked up to you and knelt down beside you. “Y/n, I’m so sorry. We did everything that we could. I blame myself, if I had been there sooner, maybe I could have helped them.”

You never even looked up, the only reason he knew you heard him was that you stilled in Kakashi’s arms. 

Kakashi placed a hand on your head while the other held you close. “I promised him I’d protect you Y/n.” His voice broke with every word. “And that’s exactly what I’m going to do, even if it takes my life.”

*Present Day*

The butterflies that had made your stomach their home were new. And it was every damn time you saw that silver-haired Jonin. What was he doing to you? This wasn’t supposed to be possible. No, you had to just keep fighting through it. You were just nervous about the mission you were all about to embark on. Nervous about what might happen, you were heading for disaster any way you looked at it. 

Kakashi had promised to protect you and he had always done just that. There was a knock on your front door, it startled you out of the funk you had been in. Reliving every moment of the day you found out about Obito’s death and then dealing with these weird feelings you were developing for Kakashi. You shook your head quickly, hoping it would shake away these thoughts. You stood from your couch and sauntered toward the door. You still hadn’t even accepted Obito’s death, even after four years, you still questioned every day if it was all a big joke. 

The amount of time you had walked through the village and expected to see the black-haired goofball come around you and scoop you up from behind like he always did. As you reached for the door handle you let out a sigh, it was louder than you anticipated it to be as the copy ninja commented from the outside. “Y/n, it’s me. Are you alright in there?”

You slowly opened the door, wrapping the blanket that you had around you tighter. “I’m fine, just a lot on my mind.”

“Thinking about Obito again?” He slowly came inside as you stepped back and walked to the couch again. “I think about him a lot too.”

You pulled your legs underneath you as you sat and he took a seat beside you, sinking into the cushion underneath him. He placed a hand on your thigh hesitantly. The touch of his skin against yours made those same butterflies come back to their home. “I’ll be fine Kakashi.” You gave him a weak smile, but you could tell by his look that he wasn’t convinced. “It’s been four years. I have to let go sometime soon.”

Kakashi slowly stood back up, grabbing your bag that you had left behind the door. “Are you ready to go? The group is waiting at the gates.”

“Yea,” You dropped the blanket from your shoulder, feeling the cold air touch the skin that your vest didn’t cover. “As ready as I’ll ever be.”

You closed your door, making sure to lock it behind you. The walk to the gates felt like an eternity. As you approached you saw the familiar faces of Kakashi’s team, you had almost forgotten that they were going to be joining you. Sakura and Naruto stood with Hinata and Kiba, patiently waiting for Kakashi and you to approach. When the two of you approached Yamato also made his presence known. Yamato waved to the two of you. “Are we ready to go?”

Kakashi nodded. “Let’s move out.”

* * * * * * 

Night settled in quickly as the group spent the day walking toward the Land of Iron. As the day began to end and it began to grow dark you could see a group of ninja flying through the forest, our presence still unknown to them. Kakashi tensed and pushed himself closer to you. The group looked around, you knew they didn’t know anyone was below them and you needed to find out where they were headed. Naruto was the first to jump toward the branches of the trees. They didn’t call him the knucklehead ninja without a cause. This left the rest of you to follow him, you could see one of them getting ready to attack, and as Kakashi saw the blue lighting forming around the ninja’s hand he knew who it was. “Sasuke!”

Naruto jumped for him, a Rasengan forming in his palm, but as he was about to hit him Sasuke changed directions. He was completely ignoring the group. Naruto ran for him, gliding through the branches of the trees with ease, but he was stopped by a kick from another unidentified male. This man wore a mask, an orange mask with a spiral pattern on it. Kakashi threw an arm around you and pulled you behind him. “Stay back.” He noticed his robe. “Akatsuki.”

Naruto jumped for him again, Rasengan locked and loaded, but was once again thrown back by a hit. Every blow that you threw at this man was dodged. The group did no good, the more they attacked the farther up the tree he climbed. Kakashi kept you behind him, shielding you from anything that could come your way. As Kakashi watched him you saw his eyes grow wide. 

As Kakashi was frozen in shock you took your opportunity, it was the first time you would be let off the leash. You grabbed a scroll from the pack on your hip and began opening it. As you came into the man’s view and started unrolling the scroll it was as if the man vanished into thin air. You looked around and grabbed a kunai from the pack, ready to cut your finger to get blood for the scroll. 

You all did circles around the area. Everyone on the ground spread out and Yamato, Kiba, and Naruto sailed through the trees, ensuring that the man was actually gone. When he was nowhere to be found you all decided it was time to call it a night. 

* * * * * * 

As night settled in Yamato pointed out the Inn that became visible in the distance and ran ahead of everyone, booking rooms before we even got there. Kakashi made sure to walk you to yours, wanting to be sure you were settled in. After the chaos of the day he was nervous to leave your side. You could see the fear in his eyes as he talked about leaving you alone. “Are you sure you’re going to be okay without me?”

You gave him a weak smile as you took a seat on the bed. “I’ll be fine Kakashi, you don’t have to worry about me so much.”

“I promised him Y/n, I promised that I would never let any harm come to you. I promised that you would always be safe.” He was being wracked by guilt, more than he usually was. 

“Are you okay Kakashi?” You hadn’t seen him like this since that day. 

“I… I’m just having a hard time today, that’s all.” He walked to the bed and sat down next to you, placing his head in his hands. “There’s just something that I want to say to you and I’m not sure if I can.”

Your heart began to beat fast, nervous about what he was about to say to you. “Just say it Kakashi.”

“I can’t,” He looked up at you and his eyes showed nothing but lust in them. That’s when you knew. He had been doing all of this for Obito but had gotten caught into his own feelings as he did. You had never wanted that to happen, but this was going to make you have to face your own feelings. 

“Then let me talk first,” He looked up, a puzzled look painted his face. “Just don’t speak, listen.”

He obliged rubbing his hand down his face before giving you his full attention. 

“Kakashi, I loved Obito so much… that it made me blind. I know exactly what you’re thinking right now.” You sighed. “I’m so sorry that it took me this long to see this. My feelings for Obito never faded and it made it so that I wasn’t able to see you. And when I say you… I mean the real you. It’s clear to me now Kakashi. All these years that you never once left my side… It wasn’t just about your promise to Obito.”

You took a second, afraid that your words would get jumbled if not. “I’ve been in denial. I convinced myself that you were just fulfilling your promise. I know that I made you feel like I was oblivious to all of this.” 

You stood from the bed, your anxiety overtaking you. “I was falling for you Kakashi Hatake. That’s my problem, that’s what I’ve been such a wreck about all day.” You could feel the tears coming, trying hard to hold them back. “I shouldn’t feel this way. How Kakashi? How can I be in love with you? You’re Obito’s best friend, it’s the ultimate betrayal.”

Kakashi was shocked by your revelation. He was so overwhelmed that he had no words, not because you had told him not to speak, but because he couldn’t believe that you had said the same things that he had wanted to. As he saw tears start to paint trails down your cheeks he felt nothing but guilt. He had never thought that the person that confessed feelings first would be you. 

Kakashi had been ready to be rejected if he had gotten the courage to tell you this. He would just continue to love you in silence, keeping your best interests first.

But this had been the other way around. Just the fact that he had feelings for you had given him guilt every moment of every day. But finding out that you had the same feelings as he made it all worse. But even after everything, his love for you would never falter. 

Kakashi stood from the bed and pulled his mask down his face. His hands planted themselves on your hips and pulled you toward him. The feeling of his hands on your waist made your heartbeat even faster. Afraid that he might reject you, afraid that he was about to leave the room. But he did the exact opposite. His lips met yours with nothing but passion. You followed his movements and placed your hands in his hair. 

His lips were soft against your own, his tongue asking for entrance. As you allowed him your tongues danced together. Kakashi spun you around toward the bed and pinned you down upon it. He unzipped your vest and started to pull it off your arms. You had waited for this moment for so long. You wanted to do this, but the farther the two of you went the more guilt you were feeling. As your vest was finally off your arms you felt his lips plant kisses down your neck and shoulder. He looked up at you, you could see the guilt in his eyes as well. “Are you sure you want to do this Y/n?”

You placed a hand on each side of his face and spoke softly. “I’m more than sure Kakashi.” You rubbed his cheek. “You don’t know how long I’ve wanted to do this.”

He pushed the tank top that you wore under your vest up, exposing your bra, his hands wandering your chest. His hands slid down your sides, his fingers hooking into the belt loops of your pants, using them to slowly slide your pants down your legs. He left a trail of soft nibbles down your stomach before pulling your pants off your legs and throwing them to the floor at the end of the bed. Kakashi hovered over you, his hand sliding down your stomach and onto your throbbing sex. His hand rubbed your folds before he found your clit, rubbing circles around it. 

You lifted your hands and placed them in his hair, moans escaping your lips as he ruthlessly pleasured your cunt. Kakashi placed his hands on your thighs, digging his fingers into your soft skin as he squeezed them. You grabbed at his vest, helping him strip it along with his long sleeve, black shirt before he pushed your thighs apart. He took in the sight of you whimpering on the bed, ready for him to continue to make you feel on top of the world. 

As his face neared your sex you placed your hand in his hair again, tugging him up toward you. “Kakashi, it’s been four years. Trust me, you don’t need to do that.”

Kakashi smiled at you, reaching for his zipper and pulling his pants down. The bulge that was pushing against his pants finally springing free. “Are you still sure about this?” He placed an arm on each side of you, holding himself over your figure.

You grabbed his face in your hands. “Stop talking.” You wrapped your legs around him and flipped him on his back. “I’m not waiting anymore.” You took his length in your hands and lined him up with your entrance, lowering yourself onto him slowly. Kakashi pushed his head back into the pillows as his length stretched your walls. You slowly moved up and down on him, pure pleasure washing over you, exciting every inch of your body. This was so much better than the toys you had been using at home for years. 

Kakashi held your hips as you bounced, the callouses on them rough against your soft skin. “I’m not gonna last long Y/n.”

You ignored him, throwing your head back, moan after moan escaping you. You could feel the tightness in your abdomen growing, your climax approaching faster than it had in a long time. Kakashi’s fingers dug into your sides as he let a couple pleasured grunts escape him. He tried hard to stay silent, but your movements were too much. “God, Y/n, you’re so tight.”

The lust in his voice put you dangerously close to your high. “Oh god, Kashi. I’m-I’m so close.”

Kakashi grabbed your hips and helped guide you, matching your movements, and pounding himself into you. “Come for me, do it, baby.”

Your walls clamped around him as you felt yourself come undone, Kakashi following you, his seed filling you. You stayed on top of him, leaning down against his chest. He pushed your hair out of your face, the both of you catching your breath. 

As you collapsed next to him you slid your way into his outstretched arm, placing yourself in the small space between his chest and his arm. Exhaustion took over for the both of you and within minutes you were asleep, the soundest sleep the two of you had achieved since Obito had left you. 

* * * * * * 

You were awoken by the sound of Yamato at your door, you had slept through the night, not waking up once. “Y/n, have you seen Kakashi? I went to his room and there was no answer.”

Your eyes grew wide at the sound. You shot up and grabbed a blanket off the bed, wrapping it around you. You cracked the door enough for him to see your face. “He’s in here with me. He came to wake me up earlier. We’ll meet you guys downstairs in a half-hour?”

Yamato looked confused, but as long as he knew where Kakashi was he seemed satisfied. You shut the door behind you and walked back over to the bed. Kakashi was still asleep, how in the hell had he slept through that?

You grabbed your clothes and headed for the shower, starting it and sitting on the toilet to wait for it to warm. A thousand thoughts ran through your head. Had you really slept with Kakashi last night? You thought about how Obito would feel about this if he was looking down on you. Would he hate you for sleeping with his best friend? Or would he just be happy that you had moved on? Even if it had been with Kakashi Hatake.

As the water warmed you hopped into the shower, the warmth of the water hitting your face, calming you some. You sat in silence, just letting the water run over you when you heard the bathroom door opening. Kakashi entered the shower with you, wrapping his strong arms around you, pulling you into him. 

* * * * * * 

It was about an hour’s walk to your next destination. Kakashi and you tried hard not to lead on that the two of you had spent the night together, but you knew that Yamato had probably figured it out.

As you walked you could feel a presence on you, a familiar presence. You were the first to notice it, “Do you feel that?”

Kakashi turned to you. “Huh?”

“Something's wrong, Kakashi. I feel like someone’s watching us." You could swear that something was wrong like something bad was about to happen. A cold rush of wind sent shivers down your skin.�� 

"Hi!" A playful greeting came from behind and as you tried to turn around you felt the cold metal edge of kunai on your throat.

It was the masked man from the Akatsuki. Everyone froze where they stood. Kakashi’s eyes grew wide. Where did he come from? I didn't even sense him.

"Hey, psycho! Get your dirty hands off of Y/n! Multi Shadow Clone Jutsu!" At least fifty Naruto clones appeared and encircled the team.

"Tobi's not a psycho. Tobi's a good boy!" Tobi's grip on your waist got tighter, you could feel the warmth of his body on your back as he pointed the Kunai closer to your skin. Any wrong move could kill you. "Please don't do anything stupid, Jinchuriki…” There was a sudden change in his voice. “After all, I don't want my princess here to get hurt." It became deep, chilling, and malicious.

With one wave of Tobi's hand, your bodies started to swirl and you both slowly vanished into the thin air. Your surroundings slowly changed. You felt dizzy and fell down on your knees, scraping them on the hard ground.

“What— where am I?” You started to panic and struggled to stand on your feet, barely keeping your balance. “Who the fuck are you?”

“Oh, I don’t remember my princess having a potty mouth.” Tobi took a step towards you but you stepped back. The deep voice still there.

“You better start answering my questions you sick fuck! What are you planning to do with me, huh?! Isn’t it enough that you took Sasuke from us?”

“Sasuke is merely a pawn. Well, let’s not talk about him. Let’s talk about us, princess.” He took a good look at you, scanning you from head to toe.

“Stop calling me princess. You make me sick!” You quickly grabbed a Kunai from your utility pouch but the man was quicker than you expected. The next thing you knew he was behind you again. He took hold of your left arm and twisted it, you groaned in pain. He grabbed you from behind restraining your movements.

You can feel him sniffing your hair, “Damn, you still smell so good. So... intoxicating.” He whispered in your ear. “No wonder you have Kakashi wrapped around your finger..” You felt goosebumps spread over your skin.

What does he mean? Who is this guy?

“I made him promise to protect you. Not to fuck you. Oh well, who could resist you, princess?” You froze. His words struck you so harshly that you forgot the pain in your left arm.

“Protect me?” You whispered in confusion.

“Allow me to refresh your memories…” His voice changed again. “Princess..”  It sounded familiar. It sounded like —

Everything around you distorted again. He brought you to a strange place. It was a very old bedroom. But what caught your attention was the picture frame on the bedside table. It was dusty but you recognized it instantly. It was a photo from long ago. Your sensei, young Kakashi on the right, you in the middle and —

He slowly loosened his grip on your arms. You didn’t realize it but warm tears were slowly running down your cheeks. He moved closer to you, lifting your chin to face him. And for the first time, through the hole in his mask, you saw his right eye. Sharingan. You could hear your heartbeat...

He held his mask and took it off. No. It can’t be. "This will refresh your memories…" His hands were on both sides of your hips. And his lips were on yours. At first, he was slow. Passionate even. It felt surreal. He brushed his lips gently against yours. His hands were roaming around your body. 

No. This is wrong. 

You tried to pull away from him, breaking the kiss.

"What? You didn't miss me?"

"How come you're alive?!"

"Doesn't matter y/n. I came back for you. I came to get you back from that scum." Anger filled Obito's eyes. "You're mine. And I don't intend to share you with Kakashi." He saw the guilt in your face. "You think I didn't know?" he laughed maniacally. "So what? Do you think of me when he's touching you? Did you wish it was me kissing you last night?” A demented laugh left his lips. “Oh I bet you did, princess. I will never let that scum touch you again. I'm gonna show you who you belong to, y/n. And then I’ll make you an Uchiha."

You couldn't believe your eyes. 

"No. This can't be happening. This is not real!" 

"That's your guilt talking. I'm here. I'm real." He leaned in again, locking eyes with yours. "You and me princess, we'll make a world of our own." 

Obito tried to kiss you, you attempted to push him, but he was stronger. "Fuck off!!!" You yelled at him.

"Ok that's it! I'm done playing nice with you y/n." He pushed you back against the wall. You were trapped between Obito and the cold, hard surface. His face was so close to yours. His hand ran across your throat holding you in place. 

"I didn't plan my reunion with you to be like this y/n. I have different plans for us. You may not know this, but I was always watching you. I had to make sure you were always safe. I witnessed all the nights you cried. I saw how much you wished that everything hadn’t happened. But I guess last night was a different story. It's clear that Kakashi is nothing to you but a one night stand. Sorry if you have to settle for scum like Kakashi to satisfy you. But I'm here now. Let me take care of you." You tried compressing your legs together, hoping it would relieve the aching feeling coming from your core. How could this man cause you to feel this way?

He roughly ripped your vest, “You won’t be needing this, princess.” Once again his lips crashed into yours. It was needy and desperate, his tongue was roughly seeking for an opening. You know this was wrong but your body was moving on its own. You kissed him back like a hungry animal. Your hands pulled his face closer kissing him hard and he took this as a sign that you had given in to him. That you had finally accepted him. Maybe he was right all along. You needed him. You’d been waiting for this moment for what seemed like your whole life.

You broke the kiss and quickly undressed your shirt. You were hot and sweaty, your chest rose up and came down hard due to your panting. His lips met yours again and slowly traveled down your jaw. You tilted your head to the side, giving him more access to your exposed neck. And as a moan escaped your swollen lips he unclasped your bra and took it off. His hands reached to cup your ass lifting you from the ground. He walked you toward the bed and laid you down. As he pulled off your pants, you felt a little embarrassed. 

Your face turned red as you tried to cover your breasts with your hands feeling too exposed. 

"You don't have to hide, princess, your body is perfect." He curled his finger underneath your panties and slipped them down your thighs, lifting each of your ankles to help you get out of them before tossing them away.

Obito settled himself between your parted legs, sliding one finger into your soaking cunt. "You're cuter when you're all hot and bothered, princess." He then added another finger inside you making your moans grow louder. 

"Damn it, Obito!" You gasped as his fingers went knuckle deep, scissoring and thrusting all at once. He hovered himself on top of you. You reached for him desperately, pulling him closer. He kissed you once more stifling your gasp as his fingers grazed a sensitive spot inside you. 

"Obito please," you groaned, you couldn't take it anymore.

"What is it, princess?" He asked as he set his eyes on you. "I need your words, y/n"

"I need you. Please. I need you inside me." He smirked as he pulled out his fingers and licked them clean. 

"I never knew you tasted so sweet, princess." He started to undo his pants letting his cock spring free. "I have to claim what's mine." He spat on his hand lubricating the swollen tip of his cock. 

With one swift thrust, he buried himself inside you making you groan in pain as he stretched you giving you no time to adjust. 

"Ah fuck, Obito!" You screamed his name, tugging on the bedsheet. 

"Holy fuck, princess. You're so tight." You arched your back meeting his thrusts deeper. You felt so full, you squeezed him as your walls tightened over and over. "You feel so good y/n. So good for me." 

His pace was fast, thrust after thrust sent you toward your climax. "Obito, I -- I‘m gonna cum!"

"You're mine y/n! You're mine!" He moaned into your mouth as you wrapped your legs around his waist pulling him further, fucking you harder.

"Come on y/n. Come now. Fucking come on my dick now!" 

"O-Obito!!" You whimpered and your legs started to become jelly, your walls quivering. 

Obito panted, his voice shaking, "That's it princess. Scream my name!" His hands grabbing your hips as he rewarded you with harsher thrusts. "I will fuck an Uchiha in you!" You felt hot spurts of his seeds coat your walls. 

He pulled out his semi-hard cock, your pussy dripping with his cum. He kissed your forehead as he collapsed beside you. You both fought to catch your breath. 

"Don't sleep yet, y/n." He gasped. "We're not even close. You’re not leaving this bed until I  make sure you carry an Uchiha. Not that Hatake scum."

Naruto Content Taglist 💕 @chidori-mint​ @praisingkuroosbedhead​ @korianrdr​​ @ari-hatake15​

[texanredrose]

Camellia Monochrome for an old friend?

Blake entered the throne room hurriedly, Weiss hardly two steps behind, and she only became more unnerved by what she saw. When the summons arrived, the faunus princess knew that it was important; her parents rarely sent an official messenger to find her and had never before specifically requested Weiss’ presence as well. It had to be something far outside the norm to prompt such and the full legion of royal guards flanking the throne room, decked out in full armor with their weapons on display. At the end of the hall on the dais, her parents sat on their thrones in full regalia, her father’s expression severe with his crown sitting low across furrowed brows while her mother appeared only slightly more at ease, her feline ears standing tall and far too still to be natural.

“Mom? Dad? What’s wrong?”

“Blake,” her father said, a heaviness to his tone. “We’ve received trouble news that may be... upsetting to hear but we believe it to be true.”

“We have diligently searched for any potential indication that there might be misinformation or falsehoods but there are none.” Her mother tilted her head slightly. “We have done our due diligence. You must listen to what we have to say.”

“Of course,” she replied, confused and uneasy.

With a heavy sigh, her father spoke again. “Your knight attendant was sent here to kill you. She’s an assassin, Blake.”

Although it probably shouldn’t, the accusation prompted relief and she couldn’t help but say the first thing that came to mind because of it. “I know that.”

In the silence that followed, one could hear a pin drop, if any dared to break it.

“You... know,” her mother finally said deliberately, ears twitching. “How long have you known?”

“Since a month after I arrived,” Weiss answered, waving off Blake’s attempt to do the talking. “I told Blake about my mission to assassinate the entire royal family when I realized I wouldn’t- and couldn’t- complete it.”

The royal guards surrounding them shifted uneasily, a few inching closer, looking to their king and queen for any sign that they should attack.

But the order didn’t come, even as her father’s expression became even more severe. “You’re bold to admit to such so openly.”

The woman shook her head. “No, for the same reason I can’t complete the mission I was charged with; it takes no courage to admit such here.” Then, she gave them a small, sad smile, the same one Blake had become rather familiar with during their time together. “All three of you... are kind, to a fault one might say. A hundred knights you have, this great show of force... but you would’ve had every right to arrest or execute me without so much as a word as to why. You didn’t do that. Because that’s not your way; you will defend yourselves but never take that first strike, even if it might save you from pain. So here we are, all truths laid bare, and a implicit understanding that if I raise my hand, your knights will react... but not a moment before.”

The King pressed his lips into a thin line. “Then, you must realize you will be banished from the kingdom-”

“Banished? For what?” Blake stepped forward, hands balling into fists. “She’s done nothing to warrant a banishment.”

“She’s literally an assassin, honey,” her mother gently said.

“A very poor one!” A pause as she turned her head. “No offense.”

“None taken,” Weiss wryly replied. “But they have a point. I’m a liability.”

“That’s not true.” Blake looked to her parents. “She told me the truth months ago; it was my decision to not tell either of you. Weiss has done nothing wrong.”

“Be that as it may, she did come here with the intent to kill us. That she’s changed her mind is... irrelevant.” Even as he said the word, she could tell her father didn’t like it and didn’t agree with the sentiment. It didn’t sit well with any of them, not when they spent so much time preaching and practicing forgiveness where applicable. “She’s an enemy of the crown.”

“I refuse to believe that.” She could feel her anger rising up, taking a step forward. “Does she not deserve a chance to redeem herself in your eyes?”

“Blake.”

With reluctance, she looked back, recognizing that tone of voice. It was the same one Weiss used whenever disagreeing so staunchly that no amount of discussion could sway her. Although a rarity nowadays, it came out whenever Blake suggested anything along the lines of reaching out to the woman’s family. Her refusal to complete the mission she’d been given had made her an enemy of her home kingdom and she could never return. There was no going back. “Weiss...”

Without responding, the woman strode forward towards the dais, stopping when the assembled knights began to fidget. Then, she knelt down and bowed her head. “I willingly submit myself to the judgment of the crown. My destiny is in your hands, Your Majesties.”

Her father shifted uncomfortably; it was always easier to enforce harsh penalties on the unrepentant because then it felt justified. Those who accepted their judgments with grace and dignity tugged at his desire to show mercy.

Her mother, however, seemed intrigued. “Your destiny? Not your fate?”

“There’s a difference?” The King muttered.

“Destiny is a function of choice; fate is beyond one’s individual control,” she replied. “And I believe you’re well read enough to know the difference.”

“I am, Your Majesty.” Weiss lifted her head and spoke with such a certainty that it made Blake hold her breath. “From the moment I met your daughter, I realized I was fated to love her and to be in love with her. My heart belongs to her completely and there’s nothing I can do to change that... nor would I want to, frankly. It is also my fate, then, to protect her from any harm; my very soul demands it.” A brief pause. “Whether or not I remain by her side... is a choice I can make. I could choose to defy your judgment and remain beside her but that would be the selfish option. Instead, I make the choice to continue loving her no matter what, no matter where I am, no matter if I ever see her again, and dedicate myself to keeping her safe from afar. If it is your decree that I am exiled, I choose to accept that destiny.”

Tears stung Blake’s eyes at the sincerity in the woman’s voice. While she’d lived all her life on the receiving end of unwavering, unconditional love, she knew Weiss hadn’t. For the woman to love so deeply- love her so deeply- touched her to the very core.

And she refused to let the declaration go unacknowledged.

Drawing her sword, Blake marched forward and walking around until she stood before Weiss, with her back to her parents. Blue eyes looked up at her questioningly but she didn’t hesitate, kneeling down and flipping the blade around, the tip of her it digging into the stone beneath them. “Draw your sword.”

“Blake-”

“Draw your sword,” she said again more forcefully, ignoring her parents’ warning.

Weiss did as asked and mirrored her position, their knuckles pressed against each other. From her forearm, Blake drew her ribbon and began winding it, entwining them together in a rite as old as her kingdom’s written history. Like marriage but more intricate, carrying more symbolism; the ribbon bound them in a way that escaped articulation but went beyond a mere promise of fidelity and support. If Weiss was fated to love her, then she would bind their souls together.

The various knights murmured their surprise but none dared interfere. Although her off hand struggled at points, the woman wordlessly offered her assistance, and together they completed the pattern.

“No matter where you are, in this world or the next, we are bound,” she said, resolute in her decision. “I love you, Weiss.”

“And I love you, Blake.” Weiss fought to keep her voice steady but failed as tears gathered in her eyes. “No matter what.”

Leaning forward, she caught the woman in a kiss. A thousand things they wanted to say had to be conveyed in the meeting of lips, for fear they might not get another chance, and when they pulled away, Blake could see so many emotions swirling in blue eyes. Despite how calmly she’d spoken before, Weiss was in pain at the thought of them being apart, just as much as her.

The King spoke, choosing his words carefully. “Have you protected her thus far from anyone aside yourself, Ser Knight?”

“Yes, Your Majesty,” Weiss replied. “I’ve killed seventeen assassins thus far.”

The Queen, once again, seemed keen on clarifying. “Are you counting the courtier from last week? The one who mysteriously disappeared after the feast?”

“My apologies, Your Majesty, that would be eighteen-” Then, Weiss’ eyes went wide, and Blake joined her in her surprise. Just as the woman’s mission to assassinate the royal family had been a secret, so too had Weiss’ actions to keep the royal family safe. Even Blake didn’t know the full extent of the things the woman did to take care of any threats.

“Stand down, guards, and return to your posts.”

Then, her mother appeared, a small smile on her lips as her ears relaxed. “We, perhaps, were a touch misleading earlier. We’ve known about your mission for a bit longer than Blake has.”

“You... have...”

“Mom?”

“You’ve never been shy about reminding us that you can take care of yourself,” she explained with a chuckle. “And we could tell from meeting her that she lacked the soul of an assassin. She isn’t the first sent to try and kill us, after all.”

Her father sighed in relief. “We thought you would’ve mentioned it to us; we didn’t want to bring it up first and potentially cause an argument.”

“But now that everything’s out in the open.” The Queen reached out and set her hand on theirs. “The crown recognizes your bond... and we welcome you to the family, Princess Weiss. Would you like a proper wedding as well or will the bond suffice?”

They both looked at each other as a moment of silence stretched, the situation sinking in until Weiss finally smiled widely.

“I would,” she said, a tear slipping from her eye and rolling down her cheek, the meaning of it changed entirely in a very short amount of time. “I would like nothing more than another chance to tell everyone how much I love you, Blake.”

That prompted a laugh to bubble up from her chest as it finally sunk in, relief flooding through her body. “I rather like the sound of that as well.”

---

AN: kinda a continuation from the other ask, but works well enough on its own I guess, idk, hope you enjoyed.

[fayeimara]

Meant To Be Series || One For Every Billion

6. By My Side | Pt 3

It's been about another hour as your new group circles around hitting up different rides, following the plan you'd set to rendezvous back with the rest of your previous group.

You've got to say, your favourite person to sit by on a coaster might be either Maki, Mattsun, or Hana. The former lets loose a strong of hilariously creative curses on drops and tight twists, whereas the latter two are more like you, laughing and whooping the whole time.

You guess Toru's not so bad either... he's either being silly and yelling out for you or Iwaizumi - using any excuse to hold your hand if you're next to each other - or laughing and hollering too. You haven't figured out the pattern yet, which Toru you'll get based on what type of ride, and you're honestly starting to think the first reaction is more to mess with everyone.

You look up from your phone at the same time as Hana, "We're a couple rides away."

"Yeah, they offered to stop and wait for us but I told them not to waste time waiting. But if they want to double a ride, it works out."

You get another buzz and look back down at the text Shin sent you, "Shin and Karu are heading back to join us on the next one."

"Oh?"

"Yeah, the other two are going to take a break from rides for a couple hours. Play some games and visit the other attractions instead, I guess."

She rolls her eyes, puffing out, "Typical." and you completely agree.

Tobio and Hiro are definitely more the type to get easily numbed simply by the size of a loud crowd. They probably find it annoying at times, depending on the length of the line up and the kinds of people in it around them.

A break from the rides that pull big crowds will probably be exactly what they need and there's a ton of other things to do here, from indoor game areas to the rigged game stands all around.

"Okay, I'll let Karu know we're almost to the front of this one and we'll meet them at the entrance to the next."

Toru turns back as you and Hana finish your discussion to ask, "So Shin's your cousin?"

"One of them, yes."

"And Haru is your brother, Hana?"

"One of them, yes." She laughs as she mimics your response. Iwaizumi has also pulled out of the conversation with Maki and Mattsun and turned slightly now.

"Oh.. is he.. our age?" Toru continues his vague line of questioning. Why does he want to know? He'll meet them soon enough.

"Probably exactly! You guys are a year older than Y/n and I, right?"

"Yes.. Do you all know each other well?"

You're the one to answer, "We actually just met today. Like I said earlier, Hana is the younger sister of my cousin's best friend. They somehow already knew we'd all get along and ditched us for the spa here instead."

Hana smiles at that, "I was honestly a little nervous! I gave my sister an earful over that but I'm so glad they threw us together now!"

"Me too." You return her smile with a warm one of your own.

Iwaizumi's rubbing his head, "Man, that could have turned out completely different."

"You'd hate a situation like that, wouldn't you?" You ask him.

"I don't even have to guess." He gestures at Toru, explaining, "This one has new people around him all the time so I just have to bear with it."

Pretty boy clearly takes offense, responding with exaggerated outrage, "Bear with it?! You're always beating me up."

"Relax, bro. They're love taps."

"If you want me dead early!"

You and Hana are laughing at their digs back and forth and your group reaches the front in no time. You all grab the first car with three rows of paired seats all set in the same vehicle and end up in pretty much the same groupings as the first one, except you and Toru have the very front, with Iwaizumi and Hana behind the two of you and Maki and Mattsun taking the last row.

Also, these seats aren't individual seats, as in, there's no divider between the pairs, so Toru's leg is already pressed against yours and it doesn't get any better as you're both thrown against each other with the twists and turns. Okay, fine, you're the one being thrown around, he's actually pretty steady and, not even halfway through, his arm slides around your waist to just hold you against him and you're no longer sliding anywhere.

You look over at him during a steady straight in the ride and, as shadows flit over and by his face cast from the covers and rails rapidly passing above, he just smiles and explains, calling out over the loud noises of the ride, "I did say I'd protect you.. but you could also say I'm protecting myself from bodily harm."

You don't even have a response except to throw your head back and laugh, because who doesn't like a guy with quick wit and a sweet demeanor but devilish side. The wind steals the end of your joyful sound at the last drop, leaving it somewhere above you both, but the arm wrapped around you holds you tight to the car as it reaches the bottom and end of the ride.

You and Toru are both a little quiet once you clear that one, but it's not glaring as the others fill in around you two with excited chatter while you all head over to the next ride to find Shin and Karu.

"There!" Hana's hand finds your wrist as she calls out and you follow her gaze to see the two leaning against the rails outside the entrance. Oh my god, he's definitely your favourite cousin today because you're pretty sure that's a coffee cup he's holding in his hands.

Thankfully Shin is leaning with his arms against the rail, looking up at the ride they're waiting at, so you catch Karu's eye and put a finger to your lips. He catches on pretty fast, watching you with a smirk while he keeps up his conversation with your cousin. Which gives you the opportunity to sneak up behind Shin and, while reaching around to grab the cup, you blow out a soft, "Boo." in his ear before immediately pulling back out of smacking range.

"Holy f-" You think he jumps about a foot in the air, still cursing obscenities while reaching for you, but you dance back around to hide behind the guys you arrived with.

Karu, Hana, and even Makki and Mattsun are laughing. His face was pretty hilarious, you wish you'd taken a picture for the books.

Taking a sip of the drink, you taste the white chocolate mocha roll over your tongue and know you were right, "Aw, thanks for the coffee, Shin!"

"Give it back, it's for my cousin that's not a brat."

"Which one would that be? Don't sulk when you've done worse." Chuckling, you keep to your safe spot behind Toru, who's watching the interaction with an amused smile. Hm? You guess he can relate.

Hana's finally able to stop laughing and cuts in, "Yeah, I heard you pretended to kidnap her at Tokyo station when she visited last summer."

"Yeah, you should have seen her face!" Just like that she has Shin laughing and telling the group the story, even pulling out his phone to show his screenshots - like, what?? - of the embarrassing twitter posts from last year.

The story and pictures has everyone - and you mean everyone, even Iwaizumi - cracking up all over again. It gets worse when you exclaim, "Is that a whole prank album?!"

He just laughs and responds, "Like you don't have one on me."

So you just shrug because... yeah, you do.

It's incredible that everyone gets along so well and that easy, fun vibe continues for the next few hours, until mid-afternoon when you all decide to get lunch.

Prev | Next

Masterlist

Behind The Scenes!

-Oikawa out here using his 'fear' of the rides as an excuse to hold your hand until he just drops the facade

-This boy is constantly playing games or wearing a mask, it's second nature by now, but it's never intentionally to hurt anyone, more to protect himself :'(

-But funny thing, Y/n is almost exactly the same in that aspect so they understand each other pretty well and their games are usually ironic amusement for both in a way

A/N: Lunch time! Go get some tea, lovelies, you might have been waiting for this..? ;)

Taglist: @delusivist, @prettyinblack231, @kac-chowsballs, @sakusasimpbot, @hawkthekinnie

[starshine-selfships]

Local man is desperately in love with his boyfriend but thought too hard and managed to convince himself that he made up the whole romance aspect and his partner doesn't actually feel the same way, so why even continue the act? Also he's wrong and his boyfriend loves him very much and that's all there is to it 😤💕

I am not a writer, I'm an artist, but I felt like giving this a shot. Both of us use he/him and I didn't actually plan anything, so I went back and color coded my own pronouns and dialogue; I do have a version without the colors as a backup however. Tbh I don't really care about the quality since again, I basically never write, and I also wrote this 100% for myself lmao, almost stream of consciousness baybee

That being said, I'm sorry I write like a pretentious victorian poet lsjdkdkx 😣

Soft. Just like everything else about him. Soft hair he yearned to stroke and bury his face in, soft hands shaping the air as he spoke, hands he wanted nothing more than to take into his own, to lift them and press a gentle kiss upon them. He even spoke softly, almost seeming afraid to break the silence, whispering and enunciating words as though speaking a prayer. Hearing his own name spoken in that quiet, intimate tone was enough to make him light headed, immediately overtaken by the delicacy of the interaction. His gaze was the most stunning feature, as it betrayed his past with pinpoint accuracy. The witnessing of humanity's cruelty did nothing to harden his stare; his eyes shone with a purely kind demeanor, merciful and trusting.

And such was the gaze fixed upon him in this moment, and he fought the desperate urge to meet it. He knew he didn't like eye contact and couldn't bear committing such an act of disturbance. He kept his gaze averted, feeling how almost painfully strong his heartbeat had grown, his frail frame beginning to shudder under its force. The incessant pounding had to be audible, and if that alone didn't lie the entirety of his being on the floor in front of him, then the heat steadily spreading across his face surely did. His emotions outpaced him, rushing with such force so that he'd never had a chance to restrain them, instead left fighting a losing war in a desperate attempt to not give himself away.

His gaze flickered nervously back to his beloved. He maintained that gaze long enough to see him smile warmly in response, causing his chest to feel just a bit tighter, his heart to beat only more forcefully. In spite of knowing his error - maintaining that dreaded eye contact - , he couldn't look away; to do so would constitute a betrayal, a moment of recognition followed by willful ignorance. He folded his hands, attempting to return the smile but being far too shaken for it to seem genuine. His darling softly laughed at the awkwardness of the gesture, voice as warm as the morning sun. He could no longer bear the strain of his sight, squeezing his eyes shut and turning away as the laughter rang in his head.

He had to be mistaken. His feelings should not be so insurmountable, something even he couldn't fully grip. He had lost all subtlety, and for what? The slim chance of reciprocation? Did such a chance even exist? He felt as though he'd combust if he remained in that room with him. The initially sweet feelings became sickening as he steeped in them, becoming almost shameful as they continued. He shouldn't need this. He was better than this. Was he though? Why couldn't he stop himself?

Simply stand up and leave? His legs would give out underneath him. Voice his firm objections? His voice would fail him. Physically remove that boy? The very thought of using any force at all placed more weight onto his chest, thinking of the sheer guilt and regret that would come from even accidentally inflicting pain. His attentive nature and eye for detail was his strong suit, but it was also what had gotten him more attached than he'd prefer, faster than he could've ever thought possible.

Beginning with patterns and habits he'd found amusing and leading to finding beauty in his every step. From seeing him avidly read and stargaze, to noticing how the sunlight reflected off his hair, to noticing the colors on barely visible earrings, to seeing his eyes flit back and forth between him and the window. Did he find looking at him to be unpleasant? Was he put off by the antennas? The insect features? The status? The reputation? Did not knowing also keep him awake at night? Did he like music? Did he think brown eyes were pretty? Why was he allowing himself to even consider these questions?

Foreign touch immediately grounded him, his eyes snapping open as he gasped in surprise. How long had he been lost in thought? How had his love gotten so close to him? His hand was on his shoulder. He slid it along his back, unfolding his arm and allowing it to rest on him as well. His touch was delicate, as though afraid of leaving a mark, despite him touching something so much more durable than himself. The affectionate gesture - no. Was it? Or was it merely a means of comforting what could be mistaken for distress? He kept his doubts in mind, not wanting to put an irreparable dent into the connection the two already had. Though, perhaps it would be for the better if he did. Tears welled in his eyes at the very thought of having to walk away, despite knowing it would likely be the best, and perhaps the only, option.

He noticed his love's other, empty hand lifted in front of him, frozen in air, likely pondering his actions as he made them. It was admirable, having such a sense of confidence that he didn't seem to need a plan for his course of action. He merely acted and accepted the outcome regardless, without fear. Yet another curious aspect of this boy that occupied his thoughts. He silently observed, watching him lift his hand out of view, only to grace his fingertips across the side of his face, settling his hand upon his cheek. Surely, surely he could feel how unnaturally warm he'd grown. It was something that had seemed endlessly amusing to his darling, how he was cold blooded and naturally cool to the touch; the heat of the blush had to be tangible. He truly feared how much more strain would be placed on him, the mere shared presence in the room alone enough to almost kill him. The physical contact overwhelmed him so badly he really did feel about to cry.

The gentle contact of his love's hand grew more forceful; still gentle, but with pressure indicative of a voiceless request. He turned his head with the nudge to fully face his beloved, whose face was mere inches from his own. Why was he so intent on such sweet torture? Had he caught on and decided to play before going in for the kill? He committed the sin of eye contact once more. Hazel, he'd been told. That was the color he saw in dreams, of a content present and a blissful future, that color of brilliance. Why wasn't he moving? Why was he allowing this? Why was his darling's hand in motion once more? Keeping his hand on his cheek, he had slid his thumb to the side, lightly gracing his lower lip. An unspoken request. No longer able to bear the weight of his own desire, he conceded to his affections and attempted to assent. He spoke, wide eyed and unblinking, his voice almost pathetically weak, borderline pleading in a strained whisper,

"... please...",

feeling defeated, yet also quite excited. He may have lost the war, but was being offered a consolation prize that would, even though only briefly, take away the painful sting of his own internal, personal loss.

His love inched yet closer and his eyes fluttered shut, as though he couldn't bear looking away for even a moment. He closed his own eyes as well, as if in response, but this time to better perceive instead of closing himself off. He could feel the warmth radiating from the petit boy in front of him, warmer than anything his own body could naturally produce. Basking in sunlight each morning to fully wake; spending the morning next to someone so close to his heart would feel just as holy. Like the delicate sensation of sunlight on the body, he felt the motion of his beloved as his lips graced his own, before he finally settled into the kiss, still subtly caressing his cheek with his hand.

He felt a quick tear streak down his face. Gentle gestures, all of them. When it came to him, they always were. It was as though he was incapable of harm in any capacity; he seemed almost afraid of being unloving or anything less than cheerful. His natural disposition towards brightness was reflected by everyone he interacted with, making others feel welcome and putting them at ease. In that moment, he also felt at ease, in spite of his doubts and insecurity, he felt at ease, melting into the touch of his.. lover? Was it fair to call him that? In the light and warmth of the kissing, it certainly seemed so.

After a period of drawing it out, going back for more and more, he finally broke away, opening his eyes once more to examine him. He opened his own eyes, slowly and with an amount of care, almost as if he were guilty after the act and nervous about what he would see. He looked into the eyes of the boy who stared back at him as though he were the one who'd put the sun in the sky. He softly smiled as he took in the scene, feeling tears begin to pool in his eyes once more. He felt he'd had confirmation that he was being irrational, but needed evidence that was nothing short of absolutely damning before he could fully accept it. He realized he was likely making him uncomfortable by looking him directly in the eyes again, they'd had that conversation before, he knew he shouldn't, it must be so irritating-

"Your eyes are so pretty."

He froze. He froze, finally breaking down and beginning to cry. His partner was well acquainted with his tears, and he knew there wasn't much he could do to stem their flow. Even with that in mind, he still wanted to console and soothe sudden wave of emotion.

"Are you alright? Do you wanna talk about it?"

A sing-song query in a half whisper. He sniffled and looked down at his hands, fidgeting in discomfort. He didn't want to overwhelm or alarm him, so he felt it best to choose his words carefully. But even then, he felt the horrific weight of finality hanging over him.

"Sometimes, I find it hard to believe that you do love me."

Confusion, hurt, and mild surprise. His lover almost seemed to anticipate it, making his heart feel like it was sinking further.

"Elaborate."

He drew a deep breath, sighing in pain and bracing himself for if he began to cry harder. The lump in his throat threatened to choke him. Barely able to speak, he forced broken sentences together, making a pathetic attempt to communicate anything at all before he dissolved into tears.

"Why?"

No response.

"Why me?"

Silence. The weight of every mistake he'd ever made was bearing down on him. Surely it was apparent how disgustingly flawed he was, not suitable-

"Well, this is a new one."

.. What?

"You really think I don't love you?"

He said it almost as though it were a joke.

"We've been together for almost two years now, and that's a choice both of us made. I can't even count how many chances I had to just, get up and walk away."

He cupped his face with both of his hands now; he lifted his own hands and placed them over his. He was crying freely, falling just short of actively sobbing.

"But I never took any of those chances. I want to be with you. You're a very sweet man and. Well it's horrible that you've got the mental conditions you do, but because we have the same kind, you've never missed a beat when it comes to making me feel better. And I wanna be able to do that for you too. You make me so happy and I wanna be able to make you feel the same way."

His head was bowed as he openly wept. He needed damning proof and it was handed to him, wrapped in ribbon and sealed with a kiss. He smiled through his tears out of sheer relief. His joy, his love, lover. The light didn't scorch and burn as he feared, but rather warmed and lifted the fog that had been enveloping him. He lifted his head once more, to look at his sweetheart with a mind unclouded by guilt.

"You don't like eye contact, you kept telling me-"

"I don't mind when you do it."

His eyes widened and his vision was once more blurred with tears. The lack of regret and remorse didn't unclutter his thoughts, and he was left unable to answer. What was there to say? Thank you? I needed to know that, despite already knowing it? My irrationality occasionally makes my life a living hell and I'm grateful for your extended patience? Admittedly, there was one thought that dominated and laid his soul bare on pure impulse-

"I love you."

"I love you too."

His lover slipped his hands out from beneath his own and motioned to encircle him in a hug, a gesture he enthusiastically returned. Resting his head against him, holding him and being held by him, knowing for certain that each step he himself took was perfectly mirrored by the boy in his arms; it was all more than he could ever ask for. He wished he could etch this moment into his memory, to never again doubt his lover or himself so deeply. While he did feel guilty for harboring such needless doubt, his partner would never be upset with him for worrying, and this he felt with certainty. Some of his many chances to leave very well were occasions where he'd been in hysterics over things that later proved to be inconsequential. He'd seen the ugliest and worst of him, yet, at the end of the day, he still chose love. His memories and the words spoken to him were perfectly interlaced, leaving no room for doubt. He was loved, and that's all there was to it.

[fenheart87]

Healing the Magic

For @bloody-no-kissu happy belated birthday!

-start-

“Well hello there, sniffer’s no good upwind.” Luka kept his relaxed posture, no need to scare the young woman, especially when he had no way of knowing what she was capable of. "Rest easy lass, just a wee break for the legs before finishing my journey. Beautiful women are welcome to the river beside me, I don't bite."

Marinette snorted and moved closer, much more at ease with the werewolf as he was coherent. Carefully she scooped some water from the flow of the river with a chipped bowl and carefully filled her canteen. Silently she thanked the river spirits that this one was untainted by the illness that was flooding the capital. Once her canteen was full, she filled a few vials and other potion bottles. She would need moon water but that was harder to come by, unless…

"Pray tell furry friend," she smiled at the eye roll and continued, "if I were to say leave a basin to be touched by Sister Moon would you place a watchful eye and help me to gather pure water from a full and a new moon?"

"Moon water aye?" Blue eyes narrowed in consideration and a healthy dose of wariness. "And what would a young lass such as yourself need any type of moon water for?"

"I come from the Agreste ranch, rescued as a healer for the ailing late Madame Emilie Agreste. Since her passing and resting of her soul, I have been helping to use my skills for those in the nearby town, most wounds heal best under a full moon. Other times I must raise defense for myself against those who wish to harm a skilled healer such as myself. I understand if you cannot help." Marinette simply returned to drinking fresh water from the river and making sure she had collected enough for her next round of potions.

"Lilly wheat grows yonder the hill to the west, right along the tree line. It can be tricking to navigate, I swear to watch yer things should you need to gather it."

Surprise covered her features, it was exactly what she was looking for and made her rethink this werewolf and wonder, how did he recognize the potion? "Many thanks, should you need flea repellent, there is thistle burn about two miles east of here."

"Ah the smell would be unmistakable." Nodding his shaggy head in thanks and reclined on the other bank, he seemed to be done with conversation.

"I'll take you up on your kind offer stranger, I'll be swift." Marinette heard the snort but paid it no mind as she gathered her dagger, amulet and her bag for the herbs she had collected. Swapping the jars of water for a few empty ones, she made her way to the west. Humming some disguised spells, Marinette committed the path to memory and found a few alternate routes for future trips. Sure enough she spotted lilly wheat from its lavender and pale blue coloring, it was a hybrid lookalike of wheat and blue bell flowers. Gathering as much as she could to fill the jars to the max and even stuffed her apron pockets to the brim. Making her way back, she heard a few twigs snap and the trees across the river had a slight sway, signalling the werewolf just left.

"Thank you kind wolf!" Upon reaching the middle of the clearing, she noticed both collection jars were missing. Smiling, she made a note to return in a month's time.

________________________________________

The walk helped clear her senses, too much magic and illness in the capitol had clouded Marinette's magical innate ability to sense other beings. Nature was usually at a neutral point unless tainted by those who lived in the area. Out here so far away from anything or even the manor of vampires she cohabitated with was still pure and loved to trade her negative things with a positive rush of natural magic. It was quite a boost and usually she stored it in her crystals, sometimes bringing them with her to recharge if she was able to stay for a long period.

The tree line broke and the sounds of the river filled her ears and the birds sounded louder than before. Marinette basked in the cheer floating in the air and made her way to the natural alter that she frequently used as her desk. Noticing a note hidden under a rock with a gem tied to it. Carefully she pulled the letter free, not wanting to touch the gem in case it was rigged with a spell.

'Hello Witchling,

I trust your fortnight has been fruitful and as you asked, I was indeed able to get both water from the new moon and the full moon. Untouched completely by every element but the collected water and the air itself. The gem is a family heirloom, there is a hidden cave and it shall lead you to it with just a drop of water from the river.

The Big Friendly Wolf'

Giggling to herself, she did as the note bade and with a touch of cursory magic, determined it was harmless. Dipping a finger in the river for a drop of water, Marinette followed the glowing red light to the cave where her collection jars waited for her, completely untouched. Taking care, she poured the water into the marked pots and carefully sealed them for transportation. This would be plenty for what she needed and Marinette made a note to make something for the helpful Were. Leaving the crystal with the note in the cave, she set off to gather the few missing herbs left. It took only a few minutes of scouting when her senses sparked in alarm, there was another magical signature drawing closer and it was unfamiliar. Deciding the risk was worth it, Marinette touched her amulet and teleported back into the agreste stronghold. 

Dizziness filled her vision for a moment and she steadied herself with a few deep breaths. Looking around her room, she noticed nothing out of order and apart from the usual lingering traces of her magic and of Adrien's, everything was still. Grabbing a couple cookies to help her nausea, Marinette teleported back out of the castle and to the nearby wood. It would make it seem as if she skipped over the mountain and river instead of jumping right through every defense that Gabriel had set. Normally the elder vampire had no qualms with her use of magic but he disapproved of it greatly and even forbade Marinette to teach his son. The magic had chosen the young heir and there was not a thing she could do to stop it but that was a long time before they needed to discuss anything if her luck had anything to do with it, she dearly hoped she would be released from their service before then.

The guard, a quiet man whom Adrien called Gorilla, nodded in greeting and let her pass unharmed. Not many could come and go as they pleased, it was a hard earned honor to be rarely granted. Resuming her humming, her magic reached out and brushed against Adrien's, giving her a clear path to follow. Turning left instead of her normal right, the torches illuminated her way. The only thing King Gabriel requested to be enchanted at all times and now only let Marinette or Felix boost them when the stored magic was running low.

"Oh posh, you know as well as I do your father is hardly that." A foreign voice could be heard as she approached the heir's chambers. 

"I'm not having this argument again, either you can shut up or I'll have your tongue." Adrien rarely snapped and it caused the witch's curiosity to peak even more. The moment of silence was her best bet, knocking in a familiar pattern and humming a containment spell, Marinette opened the door and slipped inside quickly.

"Oi! You never told me Tikki was here!" The blurry black form was hissing and thrashing in anger, the spell working like a charm.

"Oh you must be Plagg! I thought Mullo said you were a cute cat with a bad attitude?" Marinette wondered aloud, smiling in greeting to the frozen vampire.

"Mullo?! Wait wait wait! You're Marinette!"

Plagg settles into his hybrid form, acid green eyes and fluffy black ears being the first clear features to show. He stepped out of the transformation smoke and his body clad in black robes became solid, a slender tail flicking in excitement behind him.

"Oh no, you talk about me?!" Marinette shrieked in alarm, dropping the bag she had forgotten.

"Hold on, what in the Hell's Fires is going on here?" Adrien cut in, looking at the Demigod and his healer in anger and confusion.

"Oh Adrien, you know my true talents are not in healing so I know the Demigods when I see them. I've always known you're magic kissed like your mother." She smiled guiltily as the shock filled his face.

"Of course we talk about you, there's only one of you even century if we're lucky. A Destined is something to be proud of and you are definitely a very special one too. I'd love to see what kind of chaos we could create." His smile was full of fangs and a mischievous gleam shone from his eyes.

"Maybe one day, especially since I was forbade from teaching any magic and now you're contracted to Adrien." Marinette surmised, it was the only explanation as to why the demigod would actually be there in person.

"Father will never learn to trust me will he?" The blonde sighed deeply, defeat easy to read in his hunched form. 

"He fears the illness that took your mother will take you as well…" Marinette hesitated, looking to Plagg for permission to disclose the truth; a move that Adrien noticed and pounced on.

"What are you hiding from me?" He rose from the chair, brow furrowed in anger and stalked towards the shorter woman.

"I cannot say, the King has his ways of forbidding even the most noble of truths." She turned her gaze to the floor in preservation, a vampire's thrall wasn't effective enough to hold her for long but it did cause severe damage.

"He marked you." They had nearly forgotten the demigod was in the same room. "That bastard! Touching a Destined with Darkened Magic is forbidden!"

"I had no idea I was a Destined, my powers never came in until I became lost in the Forbidden Woods." Her voice was soft with sadness but still clearly heard. "This means he will have to be put to death doesn't it?"

The silence from the demigod was loud enough in its own right. King Gabriel would pay the price of meddling with the Darkened Magic, the blackest of black magic and required sacrifices of souls and thousands of blood rituals or even contracts with demons. The penalty was raised even more for using the Darkened Magic on a Destined and stunting Marinette’s growth and endangering her life, a Demigod had chosen her and had been denied the right to connect with her because of Gabriel's foolishness.

"You'll rise to your place in the throne then Prince Adrien." 

"You can't be serious, killing my father? For using magic on a witch?" Adrien cried, waving his arm carelessly.

"Boy, Magic Kissed you are but Chosen you are not! I will take you down with him should you choose to go against the wish of the Gods!" Plagg snarled, teeth glinting sharply in the candlelight. 

Adrien started at the show of anger and reacted with fangs bared and eyes darkening to red. The predator was unused to feeling truly like prey, even in front of his father and his fight or flight instinct was set to fight. Marinette hummed herself, layering a few protective spells over herself and Plagg, surprising the demigod enough to whip his head and stare at her in disbelief.

"You're Tikki's chosen…" Adrien calmed a bit and glowered at the two that had suddenly forgotten him.

"I wouldn't know." Marinette whispered, barely heard by either male.

"Look kid, either he dies and you step up to be the man they need you to be or you'll suffer at the end of my claws as well. You have until sundown to decide. Little witchling, I shall keep in touch. There will be three parting gifts in your room and with your smarts you'll put it all together." Plagg bowed slightly, a show of respect to Marientte which had her and Adrien shocked as the demigod disappeared.

"We need to act normal for the time being. I'll see you at dinner." Adrien spoke dismissively, an echo of Gabriel's attitude behind his words. Marinette was left with no choice but to retire to her room.

Her room was alive in the way only a witch could truly achieve, the flora was bursting with healthy green leaves and big bright beautiful blooms. The air carried a weight of the magic she often conjured within the four walls, positive and practice vibes floating playfully past one another to create a safe atmosphere. Little did anyone realize the room itself was enchanted and she could move the entire thing at will, it was difficult as it required a lot of magic but with the help of Moon Water, she could do it and hide away to regain her strength.

"Alright, time to get to work." Marinette opened her chest and humming a light airy tune, the shelves floated off the walls and slowly drifted into the chest, allowing her time to select certain ingredients. Taking a deep breath she changed her tune and her furniture began to shrink and floated into the chest as well. The young witch was about three quarters depleted of her magic, Marinette had suspicions that Gabriel had something to do with it.

"Okay, time to juice up. Just a little bit, nothing major. Nothing ventured, nothing gained after all." She muttered under her breath, trying to shake off the sudden nerves. Tapping into the last of her power, Marinette focused on the new moon water and held the clear quartz above it, near breaking concentration as it began to float. Starting a soft hum, the water took a shiny quality and the crystal glowed in response. Very thin multicolored wisps of smoke drifted back and forth, showing a tangible power exchange between both stored magics. Once the water no longer shined and the smoke faded fully, she stopped humming.

"One more step and onto freedom…" Blue eyes took in the half packed state of her room, fingers already reaching for her Amethyst to charge with the Full Moon water. This was easier as there was only a little need for direction, the power was already there and no need to purify or mix with another essence. Gently she placed the crystal to float on top of the water and with a whisper of a chant, the process began.

Marinette moved around the room and tossed the shrunken furniture into the chest, convincing her plants to sleep for the trip and even getting some to shrink into seeds for packing purposes. Once everything was cleared and stored away, the young witch turned back to the crystal and pot, the process about halfway done. Steeling herself, Marinette grabbed a ring she rarely wore when staying inside the castle, strands of gold layered and twisted to form a beautiful rose. This was one of her more precious gifts, it also lent the ability to disguise everything tattletale from vampires.

"Now to make it through dinner… And hopefully out of here alive."

Dinner was a quiet affair, the tension could be felt by even the servants who were speedy about setting down the dishes and retreating as quickly as they could without triggering a chase from an angry vampire.

"I thought King Gabriel was to join us?" Marinette asked politely, forcing herself to enjoy the cooked lamb at a moderate pace.

"Father had some unexpected business to attend to." Adrien had finished sucking his peice dry and moved on to the goblet of blood wine.

"I hope nothing too strenuous."

"Father can handle anything."

Once she was finished, the table was cleared for dessert. The young witch knew this would be her moment as everyone else had left the room and if things were to go south, they would be spared from Adrien's wrath. Gathering courage, she rose from her seated position and bowed slightly.

"If you have a moment to spare, I would like to discuss something with you." 

"So be it, speak your piece." Adrien leaned back in the chair, his persona more and more like his father every day but never closer than in that moment.

"After the events I am resigning from my position as healer for the Agreste Coven."

"Marinette, there's no reason to have this discussion." He sighed heavily and rose from his seat, turning to leave.

"There's no reason for me to be here any longer Adrien. My original reason for employment has been null for a long time. I feel it's time to leave and further my skills, that cannot be done while in here. There's nothing for me to learn." As a human she knew this would trigger what was left of his humanity and kept her breathing even to avoid the blow up 

Adrien spun around suddenly, knocking off the dinnerware from the table. The plate was a near miss from cutting Marientte's bare feet but she stood her ground, after all no matter how nice Adrien was, there was still a predator in his heart. Green eyes blazed with anger and a low snarl ripped from his throat, it had no effect on her after so long of being in his service. "You dare mock me and then presume to leave me!? For the flea bitten mongrel at that?"

"I'd rather lay with that so-called mongrel and risk fleas than be with you a moment longer than I have to." Marinette calmly stated, pulling on her inner strength to not let her ring fail her and reveal how fast her pulse was truly racing.

"What is this really about Marinette? Did I not give you all the splendor and treasures you could want? I let you choose a trade and keep your money from it, supporting you and never asking for you to repay your debt with me. Have I ever hurt you?" Adrien spread his arms dramatically, appearing innocent except for the look of rage taking over his face.

"Adrien. Do not make this a big deal, Plagg is already watching you closely." Praying to the demigod himself that Adrien wouldn't be able to call her bluff. "I am not a prize to be won or fought over, I am most certainly not yours. You have never hurt me nor have I you, please do not change that."

"Then leave, when you get fleas do not come crying to me." Adrien spun and left the dining hall, anger leaking from him.

Marinette wasted no time, teleporting back to her room and casting a cloaking spell on the chest. The transfer was done and quickly she saved the water for both by sealing the collection pots temporarily. The crystals went onto the pouch at her waist, Marinette noticed that there was more than usual and smiled in relief.

"One of three found little witchling. Best hurry to get out of here before my kitten blows a gasket." Plagg commented lazily, floating above the opening of her door.

"Thank you for your watchful eyes Plagg." Dropping into a quick curtsey and drawing a quiet chuckle from the Demigod, the witch finished packing what little was left. Humming brightly, she gasped as the chest shrunk into a perfect sized bracelet. 

"The least I can do to help rectify the wrong that has been done towards you. Mayhaps you should find a mentor that has knowledge of God's and Divination."

"Consider it done! Master Fu told me if i ever needed anything to go see him at the Temple of Heroes." Marinette smiled brightly and with a wink, teleported into the clearing she favored. She miscalculated how drained she was on magic as something solid but somewhat squishy.

"Well lass, did not expect you to fall into my lap quite like this." The werewolf's deep timber caused a shiver to run up her spine.

"Not quite my intention but I do need help and a certain big friendly werewolf would be quite helpful against the big scary vampires."

"Well lassie, you're in luck. Just hang on." He shifted her to his back and she clung on for dear life with a huge smile on her face. Time to live for herself.

[wyrdify]

May is Mental Health Awareness Month. It’s been plastered all over every social media website I’ve been on, and I’ve had friends on other sites talking about it. I’ve also seen it on here, and I decided I’m going to continue my trend of being open about my own mental health. In doing so, I have a few goals: to help lessen the stigma surrounding mental illnesses, to let others know it’s okay to talk about what they live with, and to just get my brain to move onto another topic.

So, let’s get down to it.

My brain works great when I present stuff in list or outline format, so that’s what I’m going to do to start with.

These are the mental illnesses I live with every single day:

Dermatillomania

Generalized Anxiety Disorder

Major Depression Disorder

OCD

Trichotillomania

A couple of these may seem unfamiliar to folks, and there are definitely preconceived notions about all of them, so I’ll share a little bit about what they look like for me in another section.

My family/personal history that contributes to my mental health:

Alcoholism (namely family members, but I bordered on becoming an alcoholic before I was 21)

Emotional abuse / gaslighting

Involvement in a cult

Loss of family members

Neglect (namely medical)

Other shit I’m not quite comfortable talking about in a public setting

What these mental illnesses look like for me:

Dermatillomania: It means I like picking at my skin, particularly recently acquired cuts or wounds. For me, my brain likes to make myself bleed, and it perceives that feeling, that pain, as good.

Generalized Anxiety Disorder: I worry about things and blow them out of proportion. Worst case scenarios are easy for me to imagine, and I overthink just about everything. Big surprises, the unknown, and anything outside of my control can make me panic.

Major Depressive Disorder: I’m tired a lot, and I often have trouble focusing or concentrating for long periods of time. Small things like putting something away takes extra effort, and I’ll often lose interest in things I normally enjoy. Since I was at least thirteen years old, I’ve also experienced thoughts of self-harm and suicide.

OCD: This links back to my anxiety, and it’s connected to the derma/trich stuff. I don’t do well when I don’t know something, or there’s any sort of uncertainty. I need things to be done in a certain way, and often in a certain order, or my brain will figuratively set itself on fire. I also need things organized in a specific way, or I get the same result. That’s the obsessive part. The compulsive part comes from following a somewhat strict routine along with counting in specific patterns, arranging my stuff in specific ways, and stuff like that.

Trichotillomania: Similar to the dermatillomania, but with hair. Often without thinking, I’ll pull my hair out. Sometimes, I do it purposefully because my brain thinks it helps with anxiety. This has also led to me having general issues when it comes to my hair in general.

What that family/personal history looked like for me:

Alcoholism: A lot of people in my family, including both parents, are alcoholics. They consume a lot of alcohol. I was pressured to start drinking alcohol when I was around 13-14 years old. When I was in my late teens, I would drink just to make myself feel better. Due to my intense fear of throwing up, though, I never let myself progress past tipsy. I don’t drink any alcohol now due to my medications and the knowledge that I could easily fall into alcoholism.

Emotional abuse: This is wide-ranging and extensive, honestly, and gaslighting was a huge part of it. What I’m going to do instead is link some things that explain what I lived with for most of my life. With this article from PsychCentral, I can check off every single thing on that list. This link from womenshealth.gov also covers what I dealt with.

Involvement in a cult: Insert nervous laughter. Starting around the end of middle school to the start of high school, my parents started getting involved in a cult that centers itself on therapy and self-help with some spiritual elements. Therapy through them was the only way to get help, or it wasn’t valid. My family is still involved in this cult, and I managed to get myself out of it when I moved back in 2013.

Loss of family members: In 2005, I suddenly lost my godfather, my dad’s brother. I saw him as more of a father than my biological dad, especially considering he curbed or otherwise acted as a buffer for my dad’s abusive behavior. In 2011, I lost my paternal grandmother, someone I was incredibly close to and trusted more than my parents. She also helped curb my parents’ abusive behavior, and her house was a safe place for me to go.

Neglect: I’ve said this before when talking about my epilepsy, but I was not allowed to go to doctors. Any medical issues, which included mental illnesses, I had were my fault, too expensive, inconvenient, or all in my head. It is also my belief that my mother pressured my pediatrician to tell me that my seizures were not neurological when I was sixteen years old. To this day, my parents are still very anti-doctor and borderline anti-vax.

Whoo, that was a lot of stuff, and I’m not even done---because of course not. Now, as the last part (I think), I’m going to list some things I do and personality quirks as a result of all this shit.

Confrontation/angry voices scares the ever-loving shit out of me. I shut down. I dissociate. I freeze, or I otherwise try to escape. Sometimes, this will come across as me trying to find ways to change the subject, not saying anything at all, or just agreeing with things because it’s easier.

I cry when people tell me they love me, and I often have to stop myself from saying things like “Thank you”, “Why?”, or asking for further explanation.

I doubt my memory and emotions a lot. To combat this, I keep logs, paper trails, and notes of just about everything. If I remember something that someone else doesn’t, or I have a different emotional response than someone else, I tend to assume the other person is right.

I feel guilty for everything. Somehow, everything becomes my fault, my responsibility, and I have to fix everything. This leads to apologies being my go-to responses for a lot.

I have trouble advocating for myself or saying that I need something. Needing things = bad in my brain.

I info-dump. My brain tells me people should have all of the information possible, so I do it. This includes telling people when I’m going to bed for the night or when I’m going somewhere.

I only feel safe crying when there’s no one else around.

I overthink every single thing I say and type.

I put everything in alphabetical order if possible.

I use writing to cope with feelings and other issues I’m dealing with.

I will listen to sad or otherwise emotional songs over and over again to help me get feelings out.

I will often perceive my issues as “not as bad as what other people deal with” and not talk about them. I’ll downplay what I deal with and shove it under a rug while trying to help others because, otherwise, I’ll feel selfish, self-centered, and attention-seeking.

If I can’t have my bowl of cereal for breakfast in the morning, it has the power to ruin my entire day, and I feel rather silly about it.

Lots of all or nothing and black and white thinking. Perfectionism also plays into this. If I can’t do something right the first time, or if things aren’t done perfectly, my brain will not let it go.

Physical contact without my explicit and verbal consent makes me cringe and feel incredibly uncomfortable. It can get to the point that even the thought of it happening triggers nausea. 

These are explanations for things I do and why I act in certain ways. They are not excuses, and they are things I’m working on to the best of my ability. I’m currently on a wait list to get a new psychologist so I can start going to therapy again since I know I need it. When I had it in the past, it was incredibly helpful and empowering to me. Since about February, my depression started to get worse, especially as I felt like things were falling apart around me. It rises and it falls. Nowadays, it’s just a little worse in the sense that I find shutting down easier, and I struggle to do anything that isn’t a video game.

Mental health is just as important as physical health, and it needs to be acknowledged as such. If sharing what I deal with helps even one person, then I consider it worth it.

That is all. I hope everyone is doing okay. If you’re not, though, that’s okay. It’s okay to not have good days or otherwise not feel physically or mentally okay. One day, that lesson will stick with me on a more permanent basis.

Love,

Kai

[not-from-the-absence-of-violence]

You'd break your heart to make it bigger, so why not crack your skull when the mind swells

“Something's not right about what I'm doing but I'm still doing it-- living in the worst parts, ruining myself. My inner life is a sheet of black glass.” ~Richard Siken

Moments in Leenik Geelo's life after losing his brother.

a/n: love that my first campaign star wars fic is just pure leenik geelo angst, i dedicate this one to @leenik-matagot thank u and also ur welcome <3 >:) 

content warnings for: canon typical character death and violence, suicidal thoughts, refrences to self harm, ptsd, trauma and just general grief and depression.

It’s the emptiness he doesn’t expect. When they were running out of the planet the numb shock passing into the unrelenting reality of the loss he had just suffered.

There is that night where neither him or Chartreuse say anything and it felt like his chest was going to collapse into itself. It wasn’t real, not quite yet but the grief that threatens to consume him whole had already set in. it was like a gaping open wound in his chest. Like shards of glass. Like he was dying, following Tony into an early grave.

Those days blur together but he remembers eventually when the pain wouldn’t stop, he remembers cristal clear the quiet desperate prayer he sent out to the stars he and his brother had once travelled together.

Make it stop. He begged. I will do anything to stop feeling like this someone, anyone, please make it stop, make it stop, make it-

Be careful what you wish for, they say, because eventually it did, and it left the broken being that had once been Nicky Geelo.

There was nothing, he hadn’t thought it possible before to feel nothing but it was there. He was but an empty black hole. What was he now, without his grief and pain.

Nothing matters then, when the world stops being something you experience, he stared blankly at the wall. A million thoughts hung around his head.

It was your fault. It should have been you. You have always been this useless. What are you now? What have you ever been?-

They droned on, it was like listening to static, they were there, they were his thoughts and he believed them, but there was no emotion tied to it. He wants it back, the overwhelming despair, the anger burning in his veins, the quiet background sorrow that settles into your bones.

The first time Leenik Geelo gets captured on purpose he doesn’t plan on coming out of it.

He had picked up doing jobs again because he had to, life didn’t stop even if it felt like it should, the loss of Venton was nothing on the greater galaxy, even if to Leenik it felt like the stars weren’t allowed to shine without him.

It isn’t quite like he consciously plans on getting shot, it’s just that he goes in with a half-baked plan, no plan B, no weapons and not really sure when the last time he ate was.

And sure maybe when they are marching him to the brig, blasters trained on him part of him wonders why it would be bad if they just fired.

It’s not quite wanting to die, as much as it is not seeing the point in living. As much as that the moment they truly are about to shoot him his fear finally kicks in and he feels awake for the first time in months.

How he gets out of that one he doesn’t know, it's like all the luck in the galaxy follows him when he doesn’t want it.

He stands there and picks at his suction cups absentmindedly until one starts to bleed, he stares at the blood dripping from his finger like it contains the answers to everything.

-

He isn’t prepared for the wrath that comes next, the vast nothing in his chest comes and goes but the only other thing he is made of these days seems anger.

It is directed at everything and nothing, his brother's killer, Traxx, the ceiling fan that is too loud, himself.He who couldn't help, he had insisted to take on a job they shouldn't have, he should have been the one to fall in Ventons place.

The first time he stuns himself he can almost convince himself it's an accident. He is in fact, shooting at the fan, but who is to say whether he knew that the laser would bounce of it and hit him in the chest.

There is a flash of blinding agony and then a final blissful nothing. He wakes up very soon after, with a pounding headache, dizzy and miserable.

He knows very well he should not do that again, he stares at his blaster and feels some sickening kind of fear of himself. He tries to avoid using a blaster for a while but it doesn't last long.

It's always an accident though, and usually when it happens people laugh at the guy who just got himself stunned.

That's good he thinks making people laugh.

-

Leenik Geelo doesn't know the name of the first truly innocent person that he kills.

Usually there is some sort of justification for it, in his mind at least.

At some point he is at a shoot out and he very well knows he could aim away from the civilians that have nothing to do with it.

He doesn't.

There he is met with sickening guilt, and an even worse sense of perverted glee.

He sees the disappointed face of his brother every time he closes his eyes.

The moment he is alone that afternoon he breaks down crying, falling to the floor of some ship.

What have you become Nicky?

He doesn't know. He doesn't know.  

-

It's Venton who should have lived, and so he starts dressing the part. it's easy to pass off the wig and the eye patch as simple eccentricities, people find it odd, people laugh.

Good. He thinks, it's almost better to not be taken seriously, no one seeing under the surface.

So easy some days to almost believe it's Tony who is staring back at him in the mirror. That he’s here with him at least. He doesn't know how to be himself anymore.

One day he simply forgets the eyepatch, he catches a glimpse in the mirror and panics. True awful panic, the one that causes you to stop breathing, your chest to hurt, your mind to start racing.

"I need to go get it," he chokes out.

"Jeez man, we have a job to do."

He is already running back already, his hands in fists shaking as he tries not to break into sobs in the middle of the busy street.

-

It is odd in many ways how much Venton had been to him. His brother, his work partner, his only connection to his home he had left behind.

Leenik isn’t good at planning, he isn’t very strong or agile or-

Together they were invincible and alone he’s just...him.

He isn’t sure whether he misses Rodea or his brother sometimes, tangled up together in a web of nostalgia.

There is so little that is left from the person he used to be now.

-

What exactly makes memories flood him like rivers is truly awful arbitrary, he hates it.

And like anything he hates inside himself, he fights it like a caged animal. He is holding onto the shards of himself so tightly, cutting his fingers with it, he is walking on his own broken glass.

It’s a perfectly unremarkable day on the Mynock, he struggles to open a container.

"You should work out more, Leenik."

He stares at a fixed point on the wall, he feels it, the helplessness, his brothers hand in his, he feels the way he can't pull them up because he isn't strong enough, good enough, such a failure-

"Leenik? You okay there buddy?"

Leenik snaps out of it, clearly looking at his surroundings.

"I am just self conscious about my strength alright," he says as he bats away Bacta's hand " Don't bring it up again."

Bacta looks vaguely worried but drops it, used to his odd outburst by now. Leenik goes to look outside at the stars that were supposed to be theirs.

-

Sleep and Leenik are at war. Every night is a battle.

The weeks, months even after he couldn't sleep. He couldn't without waking up to nightmares of every kind and every night he saw his brother die because of him in seemingly increasingly gruesome ways.

Not sleeping made being awake worse, made the colours sharper and the noise louder, made his already weak grasp on reality weaker. He heard Venton everywhere, knowing it wasn't him, his own head driving him mad.

The only sleep he knew was collapsing from exhaustion.

Eventually time passed and no matter how much Leenik picked at it the wound healed somewhat and sometimes he slept.

Nightmares were still common enough for him to be anxious every time bed time approached. So he read, indulged in the calming familiar anxiety repetitive formulaic fiction brought.

Sometimes he had good dreams about Venton, of beautiful summers in Rodea, about the best bounties they had brought in, soft quiet scenes of love they deserved to have.

He woke up feeling the emptiness worse those days, not being able to even look at himself in the mirror.

-

There is something so comfortable in not being him. Leenik picks up a million hobbies and drops them just as soon but dressing up he might just keep.

He’s good at it, it’s fun, most importantly for the rest of the crew, it's useful.

And if it also means that he gets to look into the mirror without having to bear his own face looking back at him, even better.

-

He falls into the same patterns over and over and over again. He can’t stop, like a derailed train, and it’s always him left to pick up the pieces of his mess.

Like pushing boulders uphill it soon starts to feel tedious, pointless, if you have to do it again every time.

He doesn’t know who he is without anymore, doesn’t know how to be whole, he doesn’t want to know.

It feels like he is a spectator in his own life as he sees himself grimly fall back into ruining his life in both small and big ways.

It’s too hard to mend it, he doesn’t know how to sow.

-

He had never thought of having children really, every day he didn't quite believe he was going to survive the week, much less enough to form a family.

The vornskr gets attached to him so quickly, it needs him, like Leenik once needed his brother.

So he names him Tony, the name feels like rubbing salt in the wound, something that is almost like comfort for him now.

I'll protect you he thinks,  even if I couldn't protect him.

-

He stares at the place where his arm used to be.

He can see it so vividly in front of him, Tony's arm a bloody mess dangling making it unable for him to pull himself up. He sees his own hand, the one he doesn't have anymore, not strong enough to pull him up either.

He stares at his arm and sits on the floor crying. The noise of the battle fading away to the background

Maybe I deserve this one.

-

Leenik Geelo has a family now, crammed into a small spaceship, full of unspoken issues and painful tension.

He holds on to it lightly, or pretends to.

The only way Leenik knows how to hold on is so tight it's suffocating, so loud it hurts, so pleading it is pathetic. He overcompensates in the other direction constantly, to the point where neither he nor the people he now loves know whether he cares about them or not.

He looks onto Tamlin who lost his mother, so small, so fragile. Now his responsibility too. Maybe he doesn't know quite yet what's to come for him, all the small ways loss cracks you. He is afraid of Tamlin in the same way he is afraid of his own true reflection. And as afraid as anyone is of his own children.

"What's the name of the kid again?" he asks and he can almost convince himself he doesn't know.

So many masks to Leenik Geelo, his name has lost meaning.

-

Everyone has a breaking point and eventually Leenik reaches his. As he falls to the floor crying, there are people there this time. To listen, to hug him, to comfort him. To share in his pain and not flinch as they see the worst parts of him. To hold his hand and pull him up as he starts the arduous climb from rock bottom.

He isn’t alone amongst the vast expanse of space anymore.

-

Time passes and loss never truly gets easier, but eventually one has to heal. Eventually he grows up and knows his brother wouldn't want this for him. More importantly he doesn't want this, not anymore.

Rebuilding yourself is a never ending process that often leads to hallways you had forgotten about, it's painful and thankless and while in it it never feels worth it. But it is, oh it is, when he is able to talk about Tony again and it doesn't feel like his throat is full of glass. When people can call him Nicky and it brings only the slightest twinge of melancholy, like pressure on a sore bruise. When he can go to Rodea again, a planet he had once thought he would never be able to bear to return.

Sometimes he still gets cut on his own shards, but this time he lets someone help mend it.

He can lay amongst the trees and for the first time lay his brother to rest in his mind.

"Goodbye Tony," he says, looking onto the millions of planets and galaxies above him, in wonder of how small he is compared to it all.

"I miss you." he says because it's true, he will never stop missing who had once felt like an infinite constant in his life.

"I hope you are well amongst the stars."

[fatefulfaerie]

To Stand Aloft

Direct? Botw 2 trailer? Next week? I can only hope.

If not, I suppose it’s just more one-shots like this to tide us over...

I’m trying to post more content because the rest of the world is ending. Please let me know if I’ve sacrificed quality for quantity and I’ll stop. Been a couple weeks since I’ve been told I’m crap, go for it.

Their feet crunched in the snow in an unpredictable pattern, a rhythm as they ascended the snowy hill. It was the only sound that was heard in the silence between Zelda and Link.

He looked over to her as they walked, her forward glance ensuring she didn’t notice. Link was worried that her attire wasn’t warm enough, yet she seemed just fine. Her newly cut hair stopped right above the wool at her neck, the regality of her gold-encrusted white coat apparently accounted for the cold, it being made of Rito feathers much like Link’s apparel.

He could see her breaths much like he could see his. There was a slight coloration on her cheeks, the bridge of her nose, yet it was no different than how he most assuredly looked.

His concern proved pointless, Link returned to his own forward gaze.

“Up this way,” he said with a slight gesture of his head. The path up Mount Hylia seemed to spiral upwards to its’ peak, Zelda stopping to peer up at it.

Her exhale came out as a puff of air, Link stopping next to her.

“I’m not surprised that he was buried here,” Zelda said quietly. “His people knew him well.”

Zelda started up the incline, Link following suit.

“He spent a fair amount of time on the Great Plateau. He loved Hyrule, but here it was just a little more isolated. I’m told that as a family we would stay in a cabin here sometimes. To get away from the castle, I suppose. I don’t remember much about back then, though. After mother died, we didn’t return.”

The conversation lagged, Link searching for how to respond in his mind before it was too late.

“The Temple of Time is actually where my parents got married,” Zelda added, changing the subject.

“Aren’t royal weddings traditionally held at the castle?” Link asked.

Zelda looked to Link, her eyes squinting.

That wasn’t common knowledge anymore. Unless he actively sought out that information...

“They are,” Zelda said, acknowledging that it was only a logical conclusion to reach. “But the Temple of Time was common for weddings of all stations. It’s religious value and connection to the Goddess Hylia were likely what my parents sought after.”

“Makes sense,” Link added.

“Actually when I was younger,” Zelda continued. “I fantasized that I would follow in their footsteps. The Temple of Time was once so beautiful. Now, I wouldn’t mind throwing away the tradition all together and getting married somewhere completely rebellious, like Tarrey or Hateno.”

“You say that as if you have someone in mind.”

“You don’t imagine things about your future when your mind wanders?”

“I do,” Link clarified. “I was just curious if you had someone in mind.”

“Link, I’m still only seventeen,” Zelda said. “I’m not planning on marrying anyone soon. Without courtship proceedings in place or suitors in line, I can now take things one day at a time.”

“I see,” Link said.

There was a silence, Zelda assuming the conversation was now over.

“Korok Forest,” she heard Link say.

“Hm?” Zelda retorted.

“That’s where I’d want to get married, Korok Forest, hypothetically of course.”

“Oh, that would be beautiful,” Zelda said with the fullest sincerity. “We could--”

Zelda felt herself freeze and tense up. Not in the completely physical way, as she was still walking, but her chest was tight as she pondered her error, feared the response.

Why could she never think before she spoke?

But Link only smiled, a chuckle making his head angle downward.

“Yeah, it would be beautiful,” he said.

Zelda smiled as they reached the peak, yet it faded quickly when she saw her father’s grave.

A wind whistled through their ears as they stood, looking at the simple collection of rocks.

Zelda hugged her arms close, for a comfort beyond warmth as her expression sank.

She turned her head in Link’s direction, not enough to meet his eyes, but enough for him to know who she was addressing.

“Do you have anything?” She asked. “Anything you’d like to say?”

“Anything nice I have to say has already been said,” Link said. “Out of respect, I’ll keep the rest to myself.”

Zelda nodded as her head returned to the grave.

With her first step forward, Link knelt to the snowy ground, his knees wetted by the moisture of the snow. Much like 100 years prior, he bowed his head to his king.

Zelda’s second step saw her arms dangle at her sides. The position, however, was short-lived, her third step the last before she plopped to her knees, sitting on her heels.

Her gaze was low, on her hands as they wrung each other.

“Father,” she started, but no words followed. Link tried to keep his head down, resisting the urge to rush forward and hold her, comfort her.

It was a familiar urge, being lowered to a kneel and frozen there for respect of this King, knowing that the Princess before him needed the comfort.

He remembered using every ounce of his strength not to jump to Zelda’s defense when her father was chastising her on the bridge to her study. 

He wanted to defend her from his sharp words. Being her knight attendant, he knew they harmed her more than any assassin’s blade. 

He wanted to shout and scream at the King, to hug Zelda and to tell her that she could do whatever she wanted, that she deserved to delve into her passions and study plants or animals or technology or whatever her heart desires. 

He wanted to tell her that she didn’t have to be a princess, that she didn’t have to access the sealing power, that she didn’t have to face Calamity Ganon, that he believed in her no matter what.

That he loved her for who she was.

But instead he knelt, then and now, out of respect for her father, the fallen King.

“Link, he…” Zelda finally continued. “He told me you talked to him, guided him when I couldn’t. I am beyond grateful for your kindness. Hyrule is indebted to you yet again.”

She paused, biting her lip.

“But I can’t help but wonder what you would have said to me. I suppose I can only imagine you saying that you are proud of me, or how disappointed you are, or that I saved Hyrule like you always thought I would, or that I proved everyone else right in causing it’s fall.”

Zelda looked up to the large stone, snow starting to drift upon the scene.

“In all honesty, I don’t know what you would say to me now. Hyrule was saved at such a great cost and even then, we may have only scratched the surface.”

Zelda’s eyes went sad.

“I...uhh...I cut my hair,” she said with a forced smile. “Technically I suppose Link did, but the consequence remains.”

“It felt a lot better, freer,” Zelda added. “As did these past few months living in Hateno. Link is truly one of a kind. He’s different than before but, so am I. One hundred years is a long time.”

Zelda stood up.

“I know I’m becoming the person you didn’t want me to be, but I can’t help it. The support Link has given me has--”

The ground started to violently shake, Zelda trying to keep two steady feet on the ground to no avail. Link rushed to steady her, clutching her shoulders until they hurriedly embraced each other.

It was no use, the snow underneath their feet making them slip. Zelda shrieked as they tumbled down the rocky side of the hill. They slid feet first until they rolled, holding on to each other for dear life.

Link’s back landed on the snow, his eyes clamped closed at the soft thud.

When he opened his eyes, she was right on top of him.

“Incredible,” she said as she sat up. “Two earthquakes in one week.”

Link tried to push himself up, but she was really right there, him thudding right back into the snow. The longer he laid, the more his face reddened, Zelda too immersed in scientific analyses to realize that she was practically straddling him.

“The tremors are stronger here, which means I was right, it’s coming from the castle.”

“Zelda--”

“Unless it’s stronger in general, but the frequency assures me it’s definitely an unnatural occurrence.”

”Uh...Zelda…?”

”Huh?” She retorted as she finally looked to Link.

“Oh!” She exclaimed, her cheeks blushing deeply as she quickly moved her legs off.

“Sorry,” she said as she stood up, looking to the castle for any visual changes.

”It’s okay. It’s not the worst place to be stuck,” Link jived as he brushed the snow off his backside.

But there was no response.

“What?” Link retorted. “It was just a joke.”

Link furrowed his brow as he brushed off the last of the snow.

“Zelda?” he asked as he looked to her figure, completely still.

He paced to her side, studying the way her mouth was popped open in speechlessness, the way her eyes searched and searched for an answer to a lingering question he knew not of.

Link did a double take towards where she was looking before he saw it.

The castle, Hyrule Castle, which had stood aloft for ten thousand years and beyond had risen to reveal a structure underneath.

Link’s lips went to form the word “what”, but even then, he didn’t know where to go with that. He tried “how” and it ended in the same silence.

He felt Zelda’s hand slide down his right arm, her fingers entangling with his.

Their future was behind them, and before them, stood the harrowing unknown.

[thisisridiculousdude]

I would like to state that I am ONLY making this account to address this issue and I will not discuss it after this. I will not engage with the online community regarding this, and I will not post anything else on here. However, I need to set the record straight because you’ve involved me in a personal way when you do not know me. Hello! My name is Em. I’m the current partner of @strawberryswisherrpt3 - otherwise known as Joey Hart. There are accusations firing at my partner, and him attempting to defend himself. In the original message, I was spoken to as though I was somehow a victim of my partner, or that I wasn’t fully aware of what was going on so I’m sitting here to address everything that has been said. This will not continue and I will not engage with people I don’t know, and that don’t know me, my life with Joey, nor him at this point in time. To Kai:

1. I have never harassed you. You attempting to paint the image of me bothering you in any way is ridiculous. I have made 2 posts to you in the 4 years I have been involved with Joey. The first (that I will attach to this post) was in direct response to you posting shitty things about my relationship with Joey of which you knew nothing about. I have EVERY RIGHT to defend myself or to inform someone of the truth. Sure, I was a little harsh in it with my word choices but I was incredibly angry that you inserted yourself in a relationship you were not apart of.

2. I AM NOT A VICTIM OF JOEY HART. I REPEAT, I AM NOT A VICTIM OF JOEY HART. I will not EVER reach out to you so I can “confide” in you about some horrific fact of a person that simply no longer exists. He has never and would never harm me.

3. You make the statement that I will never understand and you hope I don’t have to, so let me paint a picture for you. I’m 21, I start dating someone that I went to high school with that I trust with my life. He takes care of me while I’m sick, he knows all of my medical and personal information. I move across the country with him so I wouldn’t be a burden on my family. We get married so I have health insurance, and can have the procedures I need without paying an arm and a leg for them. I change my last name on my social security card with him promising to pay for me to have my license changed over too so I can eventually go back to work. He proceeds to slowly remove all food from the house, the keys from my pockets so I can no longer leave and if I do, I won’t be able to get back in. He started to speak to my mother, my daughter’s family, and my friends behind my back. He let them all know I was losing my mind, that I wasn’t making any sense and he was doing everything he could to make me happy but it never seemed like it was enough. In reality, he backed me into a corner. He was drunk. He had the windows open so our neighbors could hear him humiliate me. He yelled in my face that I was a whore. I was his wife and he could fuck me whenever he pleased. I didn’t have to tell  him yes or no. I didn’t have to consent. He owned me because I was his wife. I try my BEST to fight back. I yell, I beg him to close the window so the neighbors won’t hear. I cry and tell him I love him and i’m so sorry. Do you know what his response was, Kai? Do you want to know? His response was to rip open my dress, drag me by my hair, push me over onto our bed, rip my underwear off, shove himself into me, ripping me on his way in to where i was bloody with his hand shoving my face into the mattress so he could muffle my cries.That happened over and over again. He beat the shit out of me. He starved me. He held me hostage. If I tried to book a flight home to Texas, he’d find out. He’d cancel it because he worked at the airline. My family wouldn’t speak to me. I couldn’t get a job because my IDs didn’t match. When I finally decided I was going to leave him, he ripped the cushions out of the futon I was sleeping on so I had to sleep on raw springs. He would bring home a triple cheeseburger and 10 nuggets every single night and force feed me them but if I declined, I did not eat. He took my phone and controlled everyone I spoke to and everything I did. He used my personal information against me in an attempt to have me committed. After I finally found a way out, he ACTUALLY stalked me. He followed me home on the train and to my workplace. He called DCFS on me (the time you’re referring to that Joey told you) because I took my child and fled to a dude’s house because I was terrified for my life. I almost had my child taken away from me because of him. He kidnapped my child and took her to Denver CO without my consent or knowledge. He caused my daughter to hate me because he filled her head with lies about me. To this day, my daughter is his picture on Facebook.  I know what abuse is like. I know what it’s like to question your own sanity, to be so stained by what you considered love that you don’t know if you’re ever going to be able to feel safe again. I can no longer be touched without almost throwing up. I can’t answer phone calls I don’t know and I am always living in fear that he will finally find a way to kill me.  You do not have a right to tell me that I do not understand what you have endured in your life because I do. You do not know me. Do not belittle my intelligence and capability of rational thinking.

3. I’m not insecure of you and I never have been. I have never been under the impression Joey was trying to date you again because he never was. 4. The final thing I have to say to you is this: Joey has never hidden anything from me. He has never tried to justify his actions. I have always been honest with him whenever he has messed up, and he is well aware of the things he has done. He has taken accountability for the wrongdoings of his past and the people he has hurt. He told me every single thing before we started dating so I knew what his past was. He never hid it. He never tried to twist it to paint himself as a victim. He point blank said “I did this” without any attempt of swaying my opinion one way or the other. I CHOSE to acknowledge the fact that this is someone with a very stained past that goes far beyond what he has done to others, and what has also been done to him. I chose to pursue a relationship with him because I respected his honesty, and truly believed he wanted to move forward and work on being a better person. He can’t UNDO the things he has done. We all fucking know this, including him. But I’m TRULY confused on what you want him to do. What you expect of him. Like, do you want him to just disappear off the face of the earth? Because that isn’t going to happen. He’s got a life, he’s allowed to be on the internet and interacting with people that he knows or is involved with. The ONLY thing he can do is apologize, take accountability, and try to be better. That’s it. That’s all he can do. And I know he has apologized to you. I’ve heard it, and he did it again in the recent message to you. You absolutely do not have to accept his apology but you cannot say that he hasn’t attempted to take responsibility verbally to you directly. Same with Sarah. He messaged her on OkCupid to apologize well after they broke up and she essentially told him to fuck off (which is totally fine, and understandable) and he didn’t push the issue. He understood why she was angry and had every right to be. He left her alone and hasn’t once bothered her since. You know this happened because you were with him when it happened. Like literally WITH him physically and found out later and were angry. So I don’t understand. You don’t owe me an answer but i’m not stupid. I’m not naïve like you portray me to be, Kai. I’m not justifying or defending his past. I’m telling you the truth, which is that the person he is today is not the person he was then and you truly CANNOT say otherwise because you wouldn’t know. No one would know.  He reached out to you again on December 22nd because he reaches out to people from his past. Like you, I never really understood this, but I don’t make his decisions for him. It was probably a mistake and I’m sure he’s realizing this now, but either way, he left you alone. He didn’t message you again and he didn’t bother you. He didn’t vague post at you or say anything offensive to you/about you. He posted a photo of me with a ferret where YOU then said something shitty and he finally asked you to stop. He told you he wasn’t going to stop posting his personal stuff out of fear of what you may say.  Yes, it’s your blog and you can say whatever you want. No one is stopping you or trying to. However, you clearly know he’s looking just like you’re looking at his. His message to you was not reflective of the way he once was. That doesn’t suddenly mean he’s unchanged or not a better person from his mistakes (which for the final time, what else do you want dude). It means he got upset because he posted a photo of a ferret and you copied something shitty he said to you like 5 years ago in an email as a response to something that never required a response??? it was a photo of a ferret! Whatever. In general: As I said already, I won’t be addressing any of this again. I don’t know any of you and I’m not going to pretend to. I do know my partner though and I do know the things he has done because he has been honest. He’s told me when he was having doubts about our relationship, He’s told me virtually every single thing that he’s done or experienced. He has worked very, very, very hard to work on his toxic patterns and address his past in a way that is meaningful for his future as a person, all while understanding that the past cannot be undone and taking full accountability where it is due.  He is disabled, he is schizophrenic, he is neurodivergent and he has been since he was a child. Some of the behavior you comment on is clear schizophrenia. He is NOT RESPONSIBLE for his family. He does not have contact with his family. He has not been in contact with them for nearly a year. We endured the exact same thing as all of you did from his family while we resided there which isn’t okay and I don’t blame any of you for feeling uncomfortable or unsafe there. However, he can only do so much. He can only yell at his family so much. He can only demand they stop doing something so much. It’s not feasible for someone who brings in $863 a month to simply move out and quite frankly, it’s incredibly ableist to push that narrative. His family abused him his entire life. His dad was absolutely horrific to his mom, and grandmother. He harassed Susie literally to fucking death. And to be clear: none of this excuses his actions. These are not excuses, these are facts. Someone can state that they were severely mentally ill and had undergone a lifetime of abuse and trauma that caused them to act out a certain way or have a distorted sense of reality to some degree (schizophrenia), or even harm those they cared for or were near because of those things. That does not make someone a bad person. That means they have done bad things. For the final time: he cannot undo what he did. To anyone. He cannot take it back even though he DOES wish he could. ALL HE CAN DO is try to move forward and better himself while acknowledge who he was to prevent himself from being that person again. He is not perfect, I’m not perfect. But he is different now than he has ever been. He has continued to grow over the time I have known him and whether you believe that or not is not something I can control but it’s not something I’m going to continue to let spew from people that no longer know who he is. I have chosen to remain silent until now, and I will go back to being silent of my own accord because I’m not going to engage with anyone who is insistent and honestly, hell-bent on destroying a person who has done exactly what you SAY you want done and why you SAY you’re doing this “again:” so he’s accountable.  I truly do not understand the purpose of this and I truly do not appreciate you saying things about our relationship that are not true. You do not know anything about our relationship, about me as a parent, about my life at all. You’ve made derogatory comments about me in the past because I lived in the house with his family since I was laid off from my job and lost my housing. You compared babysitting your siblings to me having a child alone in a hospital room at 15 and raising her by myself. You felt the need to comment on how my child would be hurt by the fact that I left relationships which I had to do because I was being raped or glass was thrown at my head. You do not know me. You will never know me, and I don’t want to know you. You don’t know him either, as I’ve said a million times over in this entire post. This won’t change anything if you’re not willing to listen to the person who DOES know him best now. This is all I have to say. I’m done now.

[lokiarsene]

I really love your blog and reading your analysis and thoughts are always very intriguing and eye opening at times too. I'm not very good with words so excuse the mess that is this message... I just saw the anon who didn't listen to your reply at all and accused you of 'armchair diagnosing' and how it is 'bothersome' to have their illness applied to a character, I just wanted to say that's not true at all and as someone with depression it really does help me to know that I'm not really alone.

continuing… And I just wanted to say thank you for everything, I really love what you do and checking your blog really is a highlight of my day.

Art isn’t created in a vacuum. Many ill artists have throughout the course of human history used art as a medium to channel their illnesses, either as a coping mechanism, and expression of it for catharsis, or as a deliberate way to show what they’ve endured. Even those who did not know what they suffered still found a way to express it, and it’s only after the fact have psychologists, biographers, literary researchers, and even just regular people been able to draw parallels or recognize patterns because of their own experiences. This is even easier–and perhaps wiser–to do when the person you are comparing yourself to is a fictional character.

Neon Genesis Evangelion is the most famous example of depicting mental illnesses in modern Japanese media. Hideaki Anno was severely, suicidally depressed as he developed Evangelion, and channeled that pain into the story, the characters, and themes. Every single character in that cast has traits of clinical depression (at the very least) because the creator had depression, and was exorcising those particular ‘demons’ through fiction. He did this knowingly, consciously, and willingly.

That’s why Evangelion has struck a chord with people of different ages, across different cultures, and indeed with different mental illnesses. I do not have clinical depression, yet depression and suicidal ideation are traits of my illnesses. Ergo, I can understand how it feels. It’s the same pain with a different cause. That’s why Evangelion is an incredibly grueling yet emotionally satisfying piece of media, and it’s why I heartily recommend everyone watch it (although don’t watch it alone). It’s also very obviously one of the major inspirations for Persona 5 Royal and Akeshu, which I will not elaborate on because of spoilers.

But why did I bring that up? Well, you mentioned how my post about Akechi and BPD helps you, as someone with depression, realize you aren’t alone. It takes courage to admit that to someone; you are voluntarily revealing personal information about your health to a stranger, and to all the strangers who read this post. That’s incredibly brave. What’s more, by stepping up and saying that, by reaching out, you are removing yourself from loneliness and isolation.

Does that make sense?

One of the major themes of Evangelion and the crux of all the characters’ individual arcs, is a thing called “Hedgehog’s dilemma.” As the show describes it, this dilemma is the pain caused by people when they get close to each other: the closer you are to someone–the more you care about someone–the more susceptible you are to hurting them or being hurt by them, because your feelings for them are so strong. Some people are so afraid of this possibility of pain that they refuse to get close to anyone–but that only causes pain, too.

You know how it’s somewhat of a meme these days to joke about submitting to “the mortifying ordeal of being known”? That’s Hedgehog’s dilemma.

Evangelion also respresents the idea of the fear of being alone–and the “mortifying ordeal of being known”–and the fear of getting too close with another concept called an AT Field: an Absolute Terror Field. An AT Field is an invisible barrier that protects Eva units from being physically harmed, yet it’s a shield that can be broken through if enough damage is done, and thus make the Eva and the pilot vulnerable. The show also goes on to say that all humans have an AT Field around their hearts. AT Fields are an invisible, intangible form of defense that breaks down when we bond with others. Again, to let someone into your life is to invite the equal potential for happiness and pain.

So why do it? So why risk pain simply for a chance at happiness? Why bother letting anyone in at all? Because loneliness and isolation is making the possibility of pain into an absolute certainty. Loving others, reaching out to them, getting to know them, trying to understand them, is removing pain as a certainty, and balancing it with the equal potential for comfort and happiness. There is a very obvious parallel here with something in Persona 5 Royal, but I do not want to get into it because of spoilers. I would be happy to answer it in another ask, though.

Humans are social creatures. We socialize every day, in varying ways, to varying degrees, with varying levels of intimacy. We are never alone–which isn’t something I say to make you paranoid, or to dismiss the loneliness you felt, feel, and may feel in the future. I say that because I myself am an incredibly lonely person. I feel it to debilitating degrees, even now. And the only remedy to this loneliness is to make an effort daily, no matter how small, to reach out to someone else. To do something for them. To take the time to leave a comment, or check in on them, to send them a meme or a joke or a piece of art I think will make them happy.

This isn’t advice I dispense without personal experience or without medical evidence to back me up. One of the tasks given to me by my psychologist in therapy is to once a day, every day, write down something I did for someone else or something they did for me. By doing this, I am making the conscious choice to bring my attention things I do every day that prove I am not alone. This is one of the many ways to treat cognitive distortions (yes, yes, I know, but my therapist licherally said that we are going to help heal and dismantle my cognitive distortions, because that’s what Dialectic Behavioral Therapy and Cognitive BT does, and I couldn’t help but laugh and think of Persona 5).

Now, what does all that have to do with Persona 5/Akeshu, depicting mental illnesses in art, and this ask? Well, Persona as a series is all about creating relationships with others. It’s so blatantly obvious and so inextricably woven into the core themes of the game that I almost don’t think I have to point it out. I think people (even fans–even myself!) can lose sight of that crucial tenet of the series.

Persona is also a series about exploring the internal self and the external expression of the self. One of those forms of expression is socializing. Another is art. Sometimes, the act of exploring your internal self comes with the realization that you are ill. That means your external expression of that self will reflect, at times, some traits of that illness. You are not your illness–there is more of “you” than that–but your illness is a part of you, and can make itself known in how you express yourself.

So. What does that have to do with your ask? Because you, by sending this message–by following this blog, by keeping tabs on any of the rambles me and Mod Sirea make when the fancy strikes us–are making a deliberate, willful choice to keep your loneliness at bay. You are creating a barrier between the pain of loneliness and your Self–capital “S” self, or your “heart” if you prefer. You do that without even knowing it, and I bet you do something like that every day. Every person you talk to, every Tweet you read, every text you send; every person you sit next to on the bus or in class; every cashier, barista, wait staff, etc. that you speak to is you making connections with others, however small, however fleeting, however brief. Even if these people do not know “you,” do not engage with you in a personal way, you are still experiencing life with them.

You realize you are not alone, and you assert that you do not want to be alone, and so you make yourself “not alone.” You look at your loneliness and say, “no, not today.” You stand up to your illness, to your fear, to your pain, and you do not let it win. That’s brave. That’s powerful. That’s strength. Even if you don’t feel brave, or powerful, or strong. Maybe you might not like being called that, either. I know sometimes I don’t. But I also know that sometimes the only way we can be strong is by being tested. We endure, and endurance is resilience is resistance is strength.

And Akechi and Akiren would be very, very proud of you. I know I am.

[tkdoodles77ver2]

Had a bit of a sh*t week so I drew some self-indulgent crossover nonsense to make myself feel better. Haunted Ties related content will resume  after Tuesday.

I should have had this posted like 2 days ago, but then i started to write out the context for it and well... it kinda took on a life of its own.

If you see anything in this at conflicts with canon, it's cause I based it off my own interpretations +headcanons, and well this is obviously au to begin with so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Also you can pry sympathetic Loki out of my cold dead fingers

story under the cut

Clockwork sighed. Perhaps he was making this harder on himself than it truly was. He was the master of all time, surely the answers he sought were somewhere within the endless possibilities of time. And yet no matter how many timelines he studied; he could not find the solution to this problem.

Or problems as it were.

Danny Phantom and Loki Odinson, two powerful children caught up in the tangled web of cause and effect. To the point that though they never met their fates were bound together. And like a knot made of a thousand strands, separating the two’s fates seemed impossible. Both were doomed if no action was taken to right the timeline. But Clockwork did not know what action to take.

To save one was to damn the other. And to damn one was to damn all of the nine realms.

It was endlessly frustrating. Both boys had such great potential for good. They should be fated lead their realms to prosperity and peace. But instead the circumstances of their lives seemed designed to kill that potential in its cradle. To take all the good in their hearts and twist it into hatred and malice. To force both down a road counter to their very natures.

If they were not simply killed that is.

So many timelines where Phantom became the very villain he once feared. So many timelines where Loki fell into his own broken madness and attack those whom he most loved. So many timelines where the earth and the other realms were destroyed. So many timelines where both children were killed before a great disaster that they could have helped prevent.

Clockwork needed to find a peaceful timeline for the future to follow, preferably before the Observants took notice of the problem. Fore they would tie Clockwork’s hands while they debated endlessly on what to do. And then no action would ever be taken to fix the timeline. Just as it had been with Hella and Asgard once before.

Clockwork would not make that mistake a second time. The two boys did not deserved it.

Not Loki and his wish to learn all he could of magic, his clever wit that cut like a knife to the heart of a problem, his simple desire for acceptance.

Not Phantom with his love for the stars, his endless curiosity, his selfless drive to protect others no matter what wrongs they had done to him.

But Asgard belittled Loki’s magic; for it was seen as the domain of cowards and woman, not an honorable tool for a warrior. So Loki’s wit became like a weapon uses as a defense against the hurtful words of others. And as every effort he made to gain acceptance from those around him failed he would grow cold and distant. Closed off and unreachable by all.

Phantom’s dream of flying among the stars would fade as the reality of his situation slowly dawned on him. His curiosity would turn to suspicion as every new encounter earned him another enemy. And in the end the scorn and hatred of those he protected would wear away his selfless nature.

Such futures could not be allowed to happen.

And if Clockwork were being frank, Phantom and Loki's situations were quite similar. One would not see it at first glance, but Clockwork had been giving the problem far more than a single glance. Millions actually, but who was counting? To sum it up in a single word, neglect. Both Phantom and Loki were severely lacking in what humans would call “key factors”. The sort of things that a child could not get on their own, but had to be given by others.

Loki had most anything thing he wished for at his finger tips, he know what was expected of him, and he grew up safe and protected within Asgard’s halls. But he did not have the love or support that all children crave.

Odin was cold and distant, all could see he clearly favored Thor over Loki. And while Thor did care for his brother, he was quite insensitive at times like children often are. Frigga truly loved her son, but she could not give him the help he needed without angering Odin.

Loki was aware of Asgard’s standards for its princes, but he could not live up to them. He could not fit the mold that his brother seemingly embodied. That he was scorned for something beyond his control was quite unfair.

And while Asgard’s palace was perhaps the safest place in all of the nine realms, Odin’s confinement of him to it unless he was accompanied by another meant that Loki could not find acceptance amongst those outside of Asgard’s influence.

Phantom on the other hand had parents that were warm and loving if a bit oblivious, his older sister perhaps too understanding, and friends that accepted him for who and what he was.

The problems came from other factors. Like the Fenton’s home, it was in all honesty a death trap. A wonder that boy's accident didn’t happen much sooner.

The Fenton’s had no clear exceptions for their children futures, simply hoping that they grow up happy. A tactic that works for some, but not Phantom. With no help on how to find his own purpose in life, it was of little surprise that he would latch on so tightly to stopping other ghosts from causing harm to the living. He saw it as his mistake, and his job to fix it.

And of course the things Phantom wanted could not be gained by throwing money at them. The recognition and praise of his peers could not be bought. Nor could the acknowledgment of his sacrifices to defend his home.

The core problem for both boys was the same, even if their situations were complete different. It was opposite sides of a coin. Each having an abundance of what the other lacked. Even their personalities seemed to follow the same pattern. Different but yet also complimentary, possessing traits that would balance the other out.

Loki was meticulous and thoughtful, always looking before he leaped. While Phantom dove in head first without any sort of planning. But Phantom's first thought was always for the well being of others, and never for his own needs. And Loki would not action unless it was beneficial to someone, or furthered some goal. Not to mention both were chaotic and loved mischief.

They would work well together.

But was the solution he had been searching for really so simple? Did the two merely need to cross paths? Would their meeting even affect anything?

Looking Clockwork could see that there were a handful of timelines were Loki and Phantom would meet. However when they did, it was always too late. One or both of them were already beyond help. They would have to meet far early than normaly possible for any difference to be made.

That was little problem for Clockwork though. He was the master of all time after all, a small interference as all it would take to speed up the two’s meeting.

Of course the Observants would not permit such an action. It would be too great a risk in their eyes. But they were still unaware of the looming danger. And If they were unaware of the problem now, then they would continue to be unaware after Clockwork fixed said problem.

What the Observants did not know, could not hurt them. And it could only help Phantom and Loki.

Now to see what sort of futures would come about if he caused the two to meet as children.

Yes. The resulting timelines were much better. None of the nine realms seemed likely to collapse. No great disasters appeared to destroy half of all life, and everything seemed peaceful.

All Clockwork had to do was choose which timeline was the best for all involved. An easy task. Finally.

And… Yes. That one. That one looked promising.

Clockwork had been making things harder than they truly were. He had solved two problems for the price of one. And all it would cost was a well placed portal and two time medallions. A fair trade for saving the future if Clockwork was being honest.

~end~ Ps. I haven't tried to write anything with character voices or flowery prose since high school so I'm sorry if it was painful to read