#and being equally misgendered both ways also isn't passing

[this-is-exorsexism]

acting like nonbinary passing is a thing forprivileged nonbinary people.

this is exorsexism.

nonbinary passing does not exist, for anyone. even if nonbinary is your only marginalised identity, no one is going to correctly assume that you are nonbinary in a society that doesn't recognise nonbinary people the same way it does men and women.

as a visibly disabled and fat enby, i've been excluded from gender and overly gendered by different people, and conventional androgyny doesn't represent me.

however, the nonbinary people who do have access to conventional androgyny, i.e. abled, thin, white nonbinary people, still don't have access to nonbinary passing - because no one does.

having your gender expression recognised isn't the same as having your gender recognised. like, at all. it's why feminine men aren't magically recognised as women and masculine women aren't magically recognised as men. the most androgynous nonbinary people only have the option to be seen as androgynous men or women, not as nonbinary. gender and gender expression are two different things and being able to express your gender how you want does not equal passing, especially when there is no such thing as passing for nonbinary people. most people don't even know nonbinary people exist. we cannot be seen as something that people don't know even exists, even if we starve ourselves and cure all our disabilities.

"the more privilege you have, the easier it is to pass as your gender" is only true for binary genders, i.e. genders that society actually recognises. no amount of privilege can undo the deep-seated nonbinary erasure that leads to our consistent misgendering.

multiply marginalised nonbinary people will experience exorsexism very differently from privileged nonbinary people, but no amount of privilege can make nonbinary passing a thing that exists. we need to talk about how marginalisations affect nonbinary experience without completely erasing a core part of exorsexist oppression that is universal to all of us.

acting as if nonbinary passing could be a thing for any nonbinary person in our current society is exorsexist in itself by dismissing the fact that nonbinarity itself is not recognised as a valid category by mainstream society.

[skullamity]

I saw a non-binary person on twitter applauding another tweet about how a lot of cis people really just sometimes label trans masc and afab nonbinary people as femme-presenting and then get angry at those people for not presenting "properly" when they ask not to be misgendered (to be crystal clear, this is something I do see happen, and also applaud this person for saying), but the way they applauded it was amazingly frustrating.

Without including a screencap or the exact wording because I don't want anyone hunting this down and harassing them, their response was, to paraphrase:

"femme presenting does not equal everyone impacted by misogyny."

Now, I didn't respond there because twitter is hell on digital Earth and I don't want my mentions filled with garbage for the next week for weighing in, but I'm comfortable expanding on why this statement is bullshit here. There's a whole other conversation to be had about how a lot of afab trans masc and non-binary people are complicit in silencing our own by pushing this sort of statement, but people more articulate than I am have said plenty on that and I'll leave it to them.

No, what I take issue with is the idea that there is a single person on this goddamn planet who isn't impacted by misogyny. Let's break it down, nice and easy.

MISOGYNY AFFECTS:

1) Cisgender women and girls. Takes the form of cat calling, infantilization, systemic discrimination in the workplace and a disparity of social and economic advantages afforded to cisgender men, high rates of violence against them, high rates of medical neglect, social conditioning that pushes them out of STEM career and education paths either because it's been drilled into them that these are not jobs for women OR because they made a go of it and felt unsafe, underutilized, passed over for promotion in favour of less qualified male peers, and so on.

2) transgender and amab non-binary people. Trans women who pass (note, I do not think passing is important or required to be respected in our identities, so if you're reading this and transmed, fuck all the way off) are treated of all of the above, unless they are openly trans or outed to peers who thought they were cis, in which case this treatment is conditional.

Being outed or not passing doesn't make the above go away, but it adds in shitty bonus features like the possibility of being confronted/attacked/harmed/killed publicly just for existing as trans in public, denial of housing, chronic unemployment (especially in states where you can be fired at will with no reason given as to why), loss of insurance and high rates of homelessness. On top of that, non-binary people often intentionally do not pass, or incidentally are mistaken for male or female. They are misgendered in almost all situations abs are subject to all of the above.

3) transgender men and afab non-binary people. This one is apparently a really controversial take to have these days, but as a trans man who passes and transitioned later in life, passing means jack shit if and when people know that I am trans. If people don't know I'm trans, their acceptance of me is tenuous at best and entirely conditional.

This is a problem for me personally because I a) refuse to pack the first 30 years of my existence in a box and lie about it to impress strangers. All of those formative experiences that are supposed to really affirm womanhood? Tried 'em. Yes, ALL of them. Even the one that transmasc transmeds will swear up and down that if you do them, you are not really trans. You know the one (it's pregnancy if that's not clear!).

I will not pack that away for the comfort of others. I am who I am because of those experiences, not in spite of them. But even if I did choose to pack all that away and keep it secret for the sake of seeming cis to new people, I still have a big 'ol target on my back because I am married to a cis dude. We're both bisexual, but that nuance means nothing to cis dudes for whom the existence of gay people where they can see them is emasculating by proximity. And how do cis dudes treat people, including other cis dudes, who aren't performing masculinity properly? With misogyny.

Cis dudes will treat gay and bi men, efeminate men, men with voices, mannerisms and style outside of a specific masculine archetype, like women. More specifically, women who deserve to be punished for being "that way." That misogyny isn't misdirected, a term I frequently see people throwing around to push back against the idea that afab trans men and non-binary people who have gone on testosterone or gotten top surgery or both are affected by misogyny specifically. It is directed exactly where it is meant to be directed, for all the reasons above and more.

On top of all that, the second someone (including doctors!) knows I'm trans, if they're not chill about it I can expect them to immediately start treating me like a delusional woman who has been tricked into transitioning and couldn't possibly have the agency required to make the decisions I have about my own body. Which is, again, textbook misogyny.

Anyhow, all of these things? If I were to go stealth to avoid them, it wouldn't be a privilege because, again, these things are conditional on remaining steal and honestly I didn't step out of one closet to baracade myself into another. If you have to hide your past and who you really are 24/7, that is not a privilege. The meager bonuses of having strangers think you're cishet are nothing compared to the detriment that living a double life, always in terror that someone will find out and tell everyone, causes. Trans men have worse outcomes with mental health than anyone, currently, and this is part of why.

4) Cisgender men who are visible minorities. Cisgender men with disabilities, who aren't white, who are fat or neuroatypical, or are gay or bi? Being treated "like a man" has conditions that they are either already outside of because of immutable characteristics OR is conditional based on whether they force themselves to conform and tow the line by reinforcing the "conditions" of previously mentioned masculine archetypes.

and finally

5) Able-bodied, neurotypical, cisgender heterosexual white men. Yeah, you heard that correctly!

Cishet white dudes are absolutely affected by misogyny. Let us count the ways:

Cis men are taught from a young age that being "like a girl" or even just being a girl is undesirable, worthy of disgust and/or punishment. How many childhood taunts meant to embarrass, emasculate and keep male peers in line are along the lines of comparing boys to women or denying/revoking their masculinity?

You throw like a girl. You hit like a girl. You look like a girl. Boys don't cry. What are you, gay? You'd better not be gay. You're not a f****t, are you? No son of mine is gonna play with dolls. Why are you crying? Time to hand in your man card. Don't get your vagina in a twist. Why are you mad? You on your period? And on and on and on...

The blatant contempt for women in a lot of formative social interactions for boys between them and their peers and them and their male relatives genuinely makes cis men worse people unless they have the will and fortitude to unpack and unlearn all of this. And boy howdy do we make it hard for them to do that.

I have met grown men so emotionally constipated that they can only talk about their feelings to their significant others, who come to resent them because your significant other is not a substitute for therapy. We tell young boys to bottle their emotions up, and we reinforce this with mocking laughter and ostracization. Sometimes with physical violence. Their friendships with other adult men are superficial and lacking affection, and fall apart if they ever challenge any of this shit. Every word that leaves their mouths in social situations is macho bravado and desperate conformation because you need to be in the In Group. You don't want to be in the Out Group, do you?

So until they figure out (if they ever do figure out) that they have shit they need to unpack and unlearn, they let their own inner turmoil fester, and they take it out on women, men and other people who fail to hit the baseline for what a man is "supposed" to be. They make the people around them suffer, and they lash out. They will enforce masculinity on their male peers and treat the women in their life with patronization and contempt and maybe even violence, because who else are you going to aim at when every formative and ongoing bit of socialization you've experienced from the time you realized that there was a difference between boys and girls and how they are supposed to act, and the resounding message has been that girls and women = bad, and that being compared to either means you're failing at proper masculinity?

Yeah, cis men do a lot of harm to people who aren't cis men. They will also do a lot of harm to people who ARE cis men but aren't "doing it right," including their own sons, and the cycle perpetuates until someone decides to break it, usually at a pretty significant cost.

So yeah, cis men are absolutely affected by misogyny. They aim it at the expected groups, but also at each other as a form of controlling group dynamics and social hierarchy.

TL;DR- literally fucking everyone is affected by misogyny and has it levied at them to enforce conformity in one way or another, so could we please fucking stop attempting to classify different flavours of trans people as being affected by or exempt from misogyny? It isn't misdirected if the person hurling it at you means for it to affect you, harm you, control you and your expression or all of the above.

This is why, when we classify something as a hate crime or not on a legal level, the identity of the person who it was committed against is not relevant. Assaulting a straight cis man because you thought he was a cis gay man doesn't absolve the perpetrator of having committed a hate crime. If the intention was to commit a crime on the basis of gender identity or sexuality, the legal system agrees that this is a hate crime, even if the perpetrator was mistaken!

TME/TMA is not a functional way of discussing the different ways that misogyny affects all of us, and I would love for young afab trans people to please stop throwing us all under the bus by trying to insist that the misogyny levied at afab trans people somehow doesn't count. You're hurting the rest of us, but you're also hurting yourself and you should knock it the fuck off. It does not invalidate your masculinity to acknowledge that cis people, both men and women, are levying misogyny at us, because they levy it at other cis people (mostly cis people who are minorities in other ways) all the fucking time.

[0xo]

trans ramblings

being transmasc nonbinary and not giving a real shit about passing is ??? hm. like. okay. the thing is, currently, i couldn't pass if i wanted to. i'm medically unable to bind and i have some big ol honkers. i like wearing skirts, and my hair is the longest it's ever been.

i don't really get upset about being misgendered by strangers anymore because... it's not like i'm """trying""" like i did when i was younger. i don't see much point in letting that small hurt turn into something that consumes me. it's better for my brain to make peace with my body as it is, and to make peace with the way strangers perceive me. because i will likely never interact with them again. and i don't give them much reason to think i'm not a woman. and i don't really care to hyperperform my masculinity.

because i'm not? a man? i am masculine and feminine in equal parts, people just assign me femininity because of how i'm shaped. which isn't my fault. and also because i have a uniform consisting of tshirts and the one long skirt i made that's actually comfortable to wear, or a couple of other skirts that fit comfortably. occasionally the one pair of overalls or one pair of pants i own that i feel okay in. because i can't afford to buy a ton of clothes. i want top surgery, more than anything really, and i have loved being on small doses of t. but i'm not aiming for hypermasculinity.

i think i just... like.., want a body that is widely seen as masculine, so that i can more comfortably lean into my femininity. because currently, that's all people see. i want the option to be very masculine presenting, and maybe even to pass as a man sometimes, but i really am just comfortable in long skirts. i want a flat chest and hairy legs and braids down to my knees. i want to be able to go topless at the beach. and i want to wear spinny dresses. i want to be a little more confusing.

so i don't really get mad about the way strangers see me, anymore. it does hurt to know that i'm not seen the way i see myself. it's not like most people really understand being nonbinary anyways and i know being more visibly trans/gnc opens me up to more harassment. also, how does one even """pass""" as nonbinary? but i still... want it. something else. just for someone to pause before picking what they call me. i don't even care what they choose, i just want it to be unclear enough to think about. i'm extremely aware that 99% of the time im going to be put in one of two buckets, i would just like to be put in both of them more often.

[xflower-childx]

When I first got my tarot cards and began practicing readings on myself a few cards kept on popping up and I would give them some extra attention, looking deeper into them and trying to understand them more. One card I would bypass though, I knew what he meant and what he could potentially mean but I would shrug him off and move onto the next card. I guess now as I think on why I ignored him it sorta baffles me as, The Hermit, is a very me style card, he crawls into the corner of his room away from everyone and reflects on life and his actions. Maybe that's why I ignored him though, because it's not anything too new for me. I enjoy hiding away from the world in bed, staring out the window lost in my head. It took so long to feel safe within it that I sometimes never want to leave it.

I knew that pulling that card so many times meant a hibernating period, a bit of a longer one. I remember thinking 'Well there is no surprise there, we're all currently chained to our houses, I'm sure everyone is feeling this card' when he first made an appearance. I also remember when Sunni pulled that card when she had come by with her deck that one time. Although she dug a whole lot deeper explaining why she pulled it at the time. She was channeling 'Past energy' though *Insert eye roll here*.

I felt myself slip into that hibernation though, I noticed myself pushing my friends away and just hiding away. Char and Ads would roll by here and there, Char was the sweetest when she realized my head head was in a funk and she had some miswording and then came by. Of course Mark would randomly appear too, I will say I started to get a little frustrated with him popping by unannounced. I understood he would get lonely or something but sometimes I really don't like people and need them to not exist in my face for 2.5 seconds.

This funk wasn't any different though, I of course had some learning to do from it but I didn't dive down to my lowest or have any huge revelations from it. I just hid away for a month or so and shoved everyone out.

At one point in one of my readings a topic came up of cutting off old friendships that don't fill me anymore and making room for new ones as I would be having more connections coming into my life. Of course I feel connections are constantly coming and going within everyone's lives but when I pulled the 3 of cups I had hoped this meant stronger connections, more long lasting ones as the ones I had been making so far felt so short term and not as filling. I noticed my walls getting thicker over time, not trusting new friends as easily as at this point I'm used them not sticking around for too long, not in a negative way towards them, but just that sometimes people are only meant to be in our lives for a short amount of time.

When Char had come by for a reading I noticed she pulled the 3 of cups as well, when I told her the meaning about it she smiled and said that the card was me for her. I then did a reading on myself and pulled the same card and I said the same of her. We both laughed and enjoyed that moment of finally finding a real solid friend after a while of not having one. When we met I knew we would have a good friendship, we quickly deemed each other as best friends and we bonded over so many things from our hippy ways to just connecting on the same wave length mentally. We also both have plans of moving to Portland and we've talked many times about moving together if things go well with me moving in at the end of the month. I hope it does, I explained to her my fear of moving in as I value my friendship with her more than my want to move elsewhere right now. We both agreed on open communication and keeping each other in the loop on things. We've had numerous talks of how to approach things and boundaries which makes me feel more comfortable. I know that they're messy but I get the whole top floor to Ana, future cat and I which means my own bathroom and 2 rooms (Which I don't need two rooms but ay future roommate maybe? Make rent cheaper which equals pay off Ana bills moreee) so I don't need to worry about that too much.. aside from the kitchen but I can deal with that. I understand we've both had shitty roommates in the past and we've both learned from that so I have high hopes!

New connections though, they have entered my life recently and I accept them with open arms, walls still up though. Trust is earned, not just given from me. So while I love Ads and Char, they don't get my trust right away. They get my love though, quite a bit of it and appreciation. From being at Chars family's house ziplining across the backyard and having a wicked water balloon fight then going to my future home and unwinding with a bowl with my soon to be roommates, they bring out my fun/childlike side and remind me to not always be so serious all the time. I genuinely love and appreciate them. I can only hope that these are long lasting connections.

Mark is another connection though, he's not a new one, as we met on New years, but he has been a good friend since and I appreciate him as well, especially after he was really there for me after Artie's passing. He's been a hard one to place though. I noticed that he had feelings for me so I took a step back as I don't feel them back for him in anyway on that level. He's a great guy and for some time I almost wished I did feel them back as I know he's a damn good guy and he would treat me like a queen, but you can't control your feelings in that way. I know he noticed my distance though and I didn't know how to explain myself to him. I especially didn't know how because I noticed him being seriously affected by the BLM movement. When I went to the meet up at City Hall I had tried to reach out to him there but he ignored my messages, I believe he was ignoring all messages though. I spotted him in the distance and made my way over and sat with him during the speeches. I could feel how drained he was. I could feel the sadness and pain rolling off him. So I sat there quietly next to him to remind him he wasn't alone. I watched people of every age and race come together to take a stand against the inequality. I didn't understand the people on the sidelines joking around and having a fun time together when this isn't meant to be fun. I wanted to judge them but I stopped myself because at least they were there helping take a stand for what's wrong in the world right now. I also reasoned that maybe these friends hadn't seen each other since before Covid and maybe they were reuniting for the first time since. It still seemed so wrong to me that they were laughing in the corner while my friend of color was next to me holding back tears as they read of the names of those who passed simply because of their skin color.

We stayed quiet the whole time as we watched the speeches come to an end. Watching a sea of those dressed in black fill the streets again as everyone went their seperate ways. I couldn't help but think how it looked like a funeral, how it felt like one. I felt myself holding back tears as I thought back to the list of names of those who passed away for reasons we shouldn't have to still be fighting in 2020. For reasons we should have never had to fight for, ever.

Mark and I started the walk back home, stopping at Perk on the way to pick up beer. I tried to make a few light hearted jokes on the way, a few I got a laugh from others just a 'Hmph'. I told him I could make my way home from Perk if he wanted to just head home but he insisted on walking me all the way. I hated feeling the pain of someone I cared for and not being able to help him. Not being able to help the pain that surrounds me over injustice and inequality.

I never understood the hatred for a person or a group of people simply for who they are or how they look. When I was with R and I saw and felt the pain he felt when someone mindlessly or intentionally misgendered him it completely baffled and angered me because I genuinely don't understand how people can only see things so black or white- no just white, not even black, just white- with no in between. How people can have so little care for someone simply because they don't understand or even tried to understand something different from their views and/or how they were raised. To take the time to understand what's different about someone else is to allow yourself to grow and you are NEVER too old to grow. Some people refuse to accept that, but those speaking out and taking a stand are demanding us to grow and like it or not we will. I can only hope that we don't lose more of our proud soldiers in this fight but we will chant their name and refuse to allow them to be forgotten if we do. Those that refuse to change their views and grow up will fall behind and be forgotten.