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lizardho · 8 months ago

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I came out to my dad as bisexual at 14 and I was PANICKED because I had a crush on a guy in my Boy Scout troop and thought I was Going To Hell Forever and he was so kind and understanding of my distress, but he had NO idea what bisexuality was. He just said “yeah but you like girls too? This is normal. Everyone is like this.” And I love my dad and trust him with my life to this day and the idea that the concept of bisexuality had not occurred to him had not occurred to me so I put it off.

By 16 though I had a crush on like THREE boys. Three entire boys in my Boy Scout troop. I felt like my sin was slowly advancing, until like an untreated cancer it had become metastatic. I remember bawling my L’il limp-wristed sissy eyes out in his big rumbly truck on the way home from a scout meeting and him telling me that it was OK, that he still loved me if I was gay, but that he knew I wasn’t gay because I still had crushes on women and that meant I was straight. I didn’t quite know how to explain that those felt *~*different*~* and that I felt like I was losing a fight to evil inside me but I again felt comforted by his reassurances and his genuine fatherly love.

At 18 I was like “hey I’m realizing all my friends are going on missions. I don’t wanna do that. Idk how to say that and I don’t have a ‘good enough’ reason to not wanna go.” So I just put it off. Again, my parents were extremely supportive of the information I gave them (I blamed it on perpetually forgetting to start the paperwork.) and one day my mom texted me that she had done the paperwork for me! And that all I needed was to get a physical! So I did that (it was awkward af tbh, my hernia check was done by a trainee doctor and she spent like 3 minutes fishing around my inguinal canals before her attending rescued me) and was sent to Mexico City where I learned that in addition to dipshit himbos with strong hands and scruffy guys with artistic hearts I was REALLY into chubby Latin men with strong personalities who bullied me a little when I lived in Mexico.

I remember my first companion got annoyed with me during an argument and said we were just gonna wrestle and whoever won the wrestling match won the argument (I stg I am dead serious this happened.) I was like…SWEATING when he tore off his tie and threw his white button-down shirt onto the ground (I won btw, don’t ask me how).

I remember one of my companions with this really intense, almost manic energy telling me that he was gonna make sure I was safe in a new area I didn’t know very well. He cooked breakfast for me and we’d go shopping together on P-Days and in the mornings before breakfast he’d jog around and do pull-ups with his shirt off and I’d do anything but look at him because my face would break out in a sweat so intense he’d think I was crying and come over to see if I was OK and somehow make it worse. He let me play D&D with myself in the evenings even though it was against mission rules because he knew how lonely and stressed I was.

I remember one of my companions was a big chubby man with a loud voice and a great sense of humor. He was kind and direct when addressing conflicts with me, and always bragged about how he knew the secrets of women’s minds and it felt like he really did since it almost always boiled down to “Treat Them Like People and Love Them a Lot. Don’t Stop Being A Person For Them. Also Eat Them Out Sloppy Style.” Our P-Day activities sometimes felt like dates, and it seemed like he was more attentive to my emotional state than I was since he was always the first to suggest we slow down our Divinely Mandated, God-Ordained, Super Sacred Work and Wonder to get a snack or check out a Pawn Shop (I love Pawn Shops).

I remember another companion who asked me to bully him every time he did something against his goal of losing weight. It was like he gave me Carte Blanche to take out my crush on him by being a nuisance and I LOVED that. I remember having a breakdown one day after we’d spent the afternoon frantically cleaning our disgusting-barely-habitable mission house to make it look less vile that it was (not our fault imo?) and I started bawling and he pulled me into a hug and he smelled good and he told me he knew it wasn’t just the house and that I was mad at him for being a Huge Dickhead for about a week (true) and that he would work on it. (He’s also a huge chaser but that’s a separate thing.)

I remember one of my companions waking up early (and our schedule is already built for sleep deprivation) to make me a “birthday cake” from knock-off Nutella and bread. He used matches for candles and woke me up, lit the ‘candles,’ pulled them out, then smashed it in my face and took a bunch of pictures while I was still madrugada and disoriented as fuck. He had the same sense of humor as one of my HS crushes and I could push his buttons pretty easily which was so fun.

I came home from my mission and started back at BYU where I became actively and aggressively suicidal. I had a stalker the year I moved up there and my dad’s solution to that was to get me a gun. I know he wouldn’t have bought me a gun if he could have read my mind, but I had a loaded pistol under my bed during a trifecta faith/sexuality/gender crisis and that was not helpful. I remember that the day I decided to kill myself I figured I’d call the BYU CAPS and see if I could get into therapy because it felt like what I was “supposed to do” so I could check my suicide boxes. My therapist was the guy who’d helped me pick a major the year before and was this drop-dead gorgeous Hawaiian man who cried when I told him how I’d been feeling.

A few weeks into therapy I met another stunning man with soft eyes and a scruffy illegal-at-BYU beard he kept pushing his luck with. He was funny, kind, patient, married, and wouldn’t give me the time of day if he knew I was crushing on him. We were in my history of psych class, which was inarguably the worst psych class I have ever had, and we studied together for every assignment and test and I realized that my feelings for him and for all the men I’d already mentioned were in direct conflict with my faith and relationship with God. My already agonizing spiritual conflict became even more wretched and as a result of this plus some other tightly-packed experiences with Mormonisms bullshit, I left the church.

After leaving the church I decided to move back to AZ and transfer to ASU. My mom helped me get a dog since I think it had started to dawn on my family that my mental health was barely getting me through the day, and she knew that we both loved dogs. Madi made my last year at BYU livable while I got my shit together and transferred. In that last year, I went on a date with quite possibly the only semi-openly-out trans person on BYU campus. It was not a great date imo, I was not doing well, but the person I spoke with was fun and fascinating and talked to me about Gender Dysphoria and it really cemented my need to go. To leave and never come back to that fucking school.

I started at ASU a month after my last semester at BYU and within a very short time frame it felt like I was coming back together, like a puzzle magically putting itself together in an environment that wasn’t slowly draining that puzzle’s will to live.

On the 4th of July, the year I started at ASU, I saw a transition timeline photo of a gorgeous happy beautiful happy radiant happy woman and her former Mormon missionary self and I realized the light that was on in her eyes was the light that was off in mine. I looked into transitioning for 3 days, sleeping about 10 hours total during that time. I started talking to other trans people on Reddit (one of whom is now my beautiful fiancée @cintailed) and after about a month of making preparations to be disowned and kicked out, something I was not sure would happen but was ready to go through to Turn On The Lights, I came out to my family and it was amazing. I started HRT a month after that. I secretly dated some dorky guys for about a year while I applied to grad schools. I got into a great grad school for me and my needs. I got FFS. I did my trainings and classes. Me and my fiancée moved in together after some LDR shenanigans. We’ve lived together now for 4 years of basically marital bliss. We have a cat named Grandmother Esmeralda Weatherwax who bites the hell out of my feet about three times a day. My bi-cycle continues to be part of my life but now it’s not as scary. Baby gays in my life have started to look to me for advice. Idk how this all happened so fast. When the years, months, weeks, days, and hours seems to crawl by so slowly now they are rushing past me so fast it’s almost bewildering. Whereas before I felt like I was living on borrowed time, past my ‘expiration date,’ now it feels like I can Fucking Breathe. I’m training myself to slow down now and it feels worth it to Live In The Moment.

Idk why I wrote this. Idk why these thoughts only seem to come up on Sundays when I’m supposed to be writing my dissertation. Idk why I’m crying rn or why I feel so happy. I’m gonna post this shit then get on with my dissertation I guess. Read more Terry Pratchett and give yourselves the time you need. Get a pet. Talk to someone. Re-examine the events that brought you here. Be gayer. Love y’all 💕

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walkingnearfoxes · 2 months ago

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Shifting Truths (Homelander x Reader Oneshot)

2.2k words. NSFW. Warnings for “The Boys” levels of violence, suggestive dialogue/imagery, insects, a whiff of blackmailing, and the Homelander. Supe!Reader.

You’re new to the Seven, and you’re making a great impression. Homelander seeks to end that.

There were many things Homelander did not understand about you, and he hated that he wanted to figure those things out. He should have been able to write you off as another disappointment, but he can’t. You were the first hero to join the Seven in years who he thought had some potential. You were the Changeling; you could turn into any animal you wanted in the blink of an eye. The carnage that could happen with that kind of power was delicious. You could be nearly as strong as him in your other forms - not strong enough to be a threat, but strong enough for him to respect you. With the parade of shitty teammates Homelander was forced to have so far, he had looked forward to someone that could keep up.

But then you joined, and his high hopes crashed violently through the windows. Your powers were legitimate, but you never used them as he thought you should. You leaned into the persona Vought wanted for you, presenting yourself like a dancing monkey. When young fans asked for you to turn into the cutest puppy, kitten, or pony, you obliged. All of your public relations and media focused on your playful and light personality; you were the demented lovechild of Starlight’s sickening sweetness and the Deep’s comic relief stupidity - as if Homelander needed any more of those cocksuckers.

And what’s worse, you were loved. It didn’t take long for your numbers to rival the rest of the Seven; some days, you even came close to rivaling him. What began as a hopeful prospect was quickly turning into a pest, and he couldn’t allow it to continue anymore.

The good news was that Homelander had already begun to learn your weaknesses. Your shifting looked easy to an outside eye, but it tired you over time. People around Vought got used to seeing various animals asleep around the tower. One poor assistant nearly shit themselves when you fell asleep as a wolf in the coffee lounge; Homelander could admit that was funny.

Today, he wasn��t quite as amused. He walks into the conference room for the Seven, hoping to enjoy some peace without assholes asking him about product placements, media campaigns, or movie sequels. Unfortunately, he was not alone. He quickly spots a fluffy lump on top of your usual chair.

You’re a kitten. You are asleep as a kitten on top of your chair, curled in a delicate ball.

Christ.

“A narcoleptic circus freak,” Homelander mutters as he marches forward. He stops next to your chair and stares down at your sleeping form. It didn’t matter what form you took; he was the only one who could always tell it was you. You always smell the same. He huffs in annoyance and grabs the scruff of your neck, lifting you off the chair.

If you had been in your human form, you might have gasped or cried out. As it was, you were a kitten - so you meow sharply. The extra skin on your neck stops you from feeling pain, but he’s certain your little mewl was from shock rather than hurt. Your eyes shoot open, and his nose twitches at the sight. Another dead giveaway that it was you were your eyes. Your eyes, no matter the form, stay the same.

“You’re a waste, you know,” He murmurs, pulling you up higher until your faces are level. “So much potential, and you waste it on cutesy PETA bullshit.”

Even in your feline form, he sees the distaste in your eyes. You make the tiniest of growls. He scoffs and lets go of you without warning. You shift back to human before you can hit the floor, landing in a lunge that eerily reminds Homelander of his own landings. Another roll of disappointment. You could fly.

He lets you stand back up, but doesn’t move. The result is that you are mere inches from one another’s faces. You look so young. He can’t be bothered to look up your age, but you held onto an innocence he couldn’t comprehend. Even Starlight, hypocritical Girl Scout that she was, had lost hers. What makes you so special that you get to keep it?

You stare up at him a moment, your expression unreadable. Were you annoyed? Confused? He can’t tell. Fortunately, you finally give a reply. “I’ve never worked with PETA.”

Homelander rolls his eyes so hard it nearly hurts. “Spare me,” He growls as he walks around you to his seat. “All those shelter commercials? You’re worse than the Deep with that nonsense.”

He pauses at that and looks at you over his shoulder. “You don’t fuck the dogs, do you?”

He says it to bother you, and for a moment, it works. He watches in delight as your nose wrinkles, your fists clenching and unclenching at your sides. But the moment is gone as quickly as it came, and you tilt your head in mock innocence. “That’s taking doggy style a bit too far, don’t you think?”

Damn it. Homelander refuses to find that funny or linger on the images your words plop into his head. How would you react, he wonders, if he ripped that tight uniform of yours in half and bent you over this table? Would you keep up this naive act, or would he see what an animal you really are?

Homelander shoves that thought away as far as he can and turns to stare out the windows. “You know, I was excited when you joined the team. Thought you would add something new,” He mutters. “But no. Just another piece of ass for Vought to wave around.”

“...a piece of ass, you say?”

He hears a shift in the air behind him and turns around. You had turned into a donkey.

For God’s sakes.

“That’s how you get through it all, huh?” He sneers. “Jokes. It won’t work forever. And when that Jane Goodall persona is broken, I’ll be there to collect the pieces left.”

For a moment, he’s just staring at a donkey. Then, you shift back. It’s the first time he’s ever seen you look sincerely bothered, which shoots a thrill through him. Despite all of your forms and abilities, you are still wholly human.

“You don’t know me, Homelander,” You say coldly.

He arches a brow. “Maybe I’d like to.”

You don’t have time to reply before the doors open, and Ashley comes running in. She’s already sputtering gibberish with a confused Deep and bored Maeve on her high heels. Homelander knows there won’t be more time to speak to you now, and he’s surprised at his disappointment. He gives you a lingering glance before returning to his chair and pretending to listen to Ashley’s ramblings.

He amuses himself for the rest of that meeting by glancing over at you. You’re not your chipper self, and the few times you accidentally lock eyes, your expression sours even more.

Breaking you may be more fun than he thought.

~-~

It’s a few weeks later when he notices a change in you. Your peppy personality had returned quickly after that meeting, and he left you alone. For now. He had other things to do and knew ruining you would be slow. He was surprised that something else brought you down before he could.

It was something to do with a save or mission of yours. Homelander noticed you looking over papers, spending more time in crime analytics, following Ashley around and pestering her with questions. Whatever it was, it was bothering you deeply, and he wasn’t about to wait to figure it out.

You leave Vought off the roof as a turkey vulture, and he trails you from there. If you weren’t in such a state, he’s sure you would have noticed him; your sense of smell in this form is the same level as his. Homelander had heard you once explain to Black Noir that turkey vultures had one of the sharpest avian senses of smell despite looking “creepy as fuck.” You should have been able to detect him, but you didn’t. You were focused. You didn’t stop to greet fans or admire the sky like he’d seen you do before; you fly straight to one of the shittest parts of the Bronx. That creepy ass bald head of yours suddenly looks right and swoops down on an abandoned warehouse. As quietly as Homelander can manage, which was damn quiet, he follows.

You enter the building through a hole in the ceiling, shifting to the form of a mouse once you land. Homelander watches and listens as you crawl from room to room with a clear destination.

Homelander sensed the other heartbeat in the warehouse before even landing. In the back room of this long-abandoned space, a rancid man is huddling in the corner. He’s looking through a book. Homelander’s superior vision makes out shapes the man runs his fingers over, but they don’t make sense to him. If his senses didn’t mistake him - and they never did - the book has human hair across its pages.

Homelander hears you shift. He turns his attention back to you and sees you have become a cockroach at the doorway to the man’s room. He barely bites back a sound of disgust. You scutter forward with as much determination as a cockroach can show. Homelander watches in amazement as you quickly crawl up the man’s body and into the poor bastard’s ear.

The man screams. He jumps up, sending the book flying, and bats wildly at his ear. The action was useless. You had crawled too far into the man’s ear for him to reach. The man cries out in agony and darts around the room, his fingers clawing desperately at his ear.

Then, you shift back to human. The man’s body explodes. Everything that had been holding that man together now decorates the walls. Your body is soaked in blood. For a long moment, you don’t move. You stand there, your expression cold. Then, with a huff, you turn to pick up the man’s book. You hold it in your hands, your lips thinned and eyes wild with anger.

What the fuck just happened?

Homelander stands in the hallway's darkness as you slowly flip through this book. He loathed admitting when he was wrong - but for the first time in a long time, he accepts that he was wrong with joy. He thought you were another drone, another plaything for him and Vought. But no. You aren’t an innocent. You are another player in the game. You’re just like him.

He steps into the light of the cracked ceiling, his blue eyes glowing in the room's darkness. “Well! Looks like someone’s been busy.”

You gasp, stumbling backwards with the book still in your hand. “Homelander! What are you doing here?!”

He chuckles with near giddiness. “Really? I didn’t just walk in on you in the shower,” He gestures around the red-covered room. “You just popped that guy like a zit.”

You sputter, and he wonders if you will try to deny it. Luckily for you both, your shock slowly shifts to the earlier rage. You hold up the book as if it can explain on its own. When Homelander just raises a brow in question, you open it. Sure enough, his early assumption was correct. Each page has a collection of human hair taped sloppily to the pages. His nose wrinkles as he looks back at you. “The fuck is that?”

“The zit’s trophy,” You growl, tossing the book to the ground. “He was a serial killer. He’s been tormenting this neighborhood for months.”

Homelander tilts his head. “Months, huh?”

“But Vought doesn’t care about neighborhoods like this, right?” You say with a bitter chuckle, wiping at some of the blood on your cheek. “Not to mention he’s the son of a fucking lawyer.”

You glance at the ground soaked in red. “Or…he was.”

His grin bares teeth as he saunters forward, shaking his head. “What a saint you are…but what will Vought do about this, hm? What will they do when they find out the Changeling has gone rogue?”

Your eyes widen, and that innocence he’s grown accustomed to wanders back into your vision. You look at the book and then back to him. “You’re…you’re gonna tell them?”

“I should,” He replies, stopping in front of you. “I’m team captain, after all. What kind of leader am I if I don’t tell everyone that their sweet little kitten is a monster?”

You surprise him by putting your hands to his chest, your little fingers curling into desperate fists against his suit. “Please don’t,” You whisper, and God, if that desperation doesn’t get him. “This…this isn’t normal for me. You know that. I just-”

“Took justice into your own hands?” He finishes with another chuckle. “We’re superheroes, sweetheart. Not avengers.”

Your breath hitches, and he swears he can see tears in the corner of your eyes. What a beautiful contradiction to the blood soaking your clothes. He wants to take the violence, the fear, and the adrenaline radiating off you and save it in a perfume.

“Please,” You repeat.

He hums in thought as he brings a hand up to your cheek. He notices your flinch, but ignores it. He cups your skin, his glove blending into the red dried onto your skin. His thumb slowly paints over your bottom lip.

“Don’t worry,” He purrs. “I think we can come to an arrangement.”

#the boys #homelander #my writing #homelander x reader #homelander x you #...im sorry #got this idea in head and needed to get it out #darker than my usual stuff #signing up for church camp as we speak dont worry

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