#and didnt hide with the rest of his people in solution nine

[trans-estinien]

ive decided im headcannoning some of the twelve werent amaurotine but were from other places. theres no fucking way VENAT only had amaurotine friends

[ialreadyreadthatfanfic]

Charles Xavier Is A Huge Dick: The Movie

or,

X-Men: Dark Phoenix

Hey, if you haven’t seen the movie yet and don’t want to be spoiled, you probably should stop reading!

*

I watched the new X-Men movie. Not only I’m that annoying cinema-goer that sits behind you and mocks the movie audibly during the seance, oh no, I’m also that annoying cinema-goer that comes back home and makes a bitchy tumblr post about the movie.

But, guys, that was so bad.

First off: I’m convinced that upon reading the script, James MacAvoy and Sophie Turner instantly lost the will to act, because we’ve all certainly seen far better performances from both of them.

My other theory is that the director simply told them not to bother, because this was, as far as I can tell, a deliberate franchise-killer.

The scene-by-scene description of the train-wreck under the cut for the curious.

PROLOGUE

We open the movie with the scene where young Jean Grey and her parents are in car crash, because Jean Cannot Control Her Powers. The kid survives; the parents aren’t so lucky. This scene is generally inoffensive, if predictable.

From now on, young Jean Grey behaves like a kid-shaped robot. Someone please write her better dialogue.

Charles Xavier arrives at the hospital, confirms her parents are dead, somewhat unenthusiastically delivers some well-worn platitudes and whisks her away to his school.

Hey, mutant powers are like pens. Especially the ones you can’t control, because sometimes pens go on a rampage and stab people in the eyes, you know, unintentionally.

(No, seriously, they went with that metaphor.)

TITLES - BACK TO THE FUTURE - or 1992, I guess, one cheer for 90s nostalgia

In effort to remind us humans that as a species we did some cool things on our way to ruining the planet, we watch the launch of a space shuttle.

Suddenly Houston, we have a problem. A sentient solar flare or something is attacking the brave astronauts! Oh no! Who’re we gonna call?!

Charles Xavier!

Like literally, the Mr. President of US of A calls Charles Xavier, like Chuck, are you watching the TV rn?, and Xavier’s like, already giddy with anticipation, Why yes, Mr. President, I see you are in a spot of trouble, and Mr. President’s like, Sooo, Chuck, I literally HATE TO ASK, BUT... and Xavier’s like, practically bouncing with glee, BUT OF COURSE, X-MEN TO THE RESCUE!!!

So Chuck sends off his chicks. Nominally, the team is under Mystique’s command. There also Hank, and baby-faced Storm, and even more baby-faced Kurt Wagner, oh yeah JEAN, she’s there too bc PLOT, and Scott was along too. Did I forget anyone?

I forgot someone, didnt I?

OH YEAH, the Quicksilver was there too. Considering how cool he was in earlier movie(s?), it’s kinda sad that he’s largely inconsequential here and I forgot about his existence about halfway through.

Charles calls Houston on the Cerebro like a huge showoff he is, and the X-Men proceed to rescue the astronauts from weird-looking space cloud (which is of course the Phoenix Force, or whatever comics call it). There’s some cool looking scenes here where X-Men use their powers, but they’re just window dressing for the main plot:

Charles Xavier is being a huge dick, backseat driving this mission through Cerebro and not trusting Mystique’s judgement.

BTW, Mystique might be the only character in the movie who behaves like a sensible person, which is why she’s not there for very long.

Anyway the scene goes like this:

Mystique: we saved ALL BUT ONE astronaut! Coming back for that one guy is super risky and probably will only lead to more deaths! I’m cutting my loses like sensible field leader!

Prof X: OH NO YOU WON’T get back for that one guy or the whole mission is a failure!!!

Mystique: WTF??!! That’s crazy, we will get killed!

Prof X: But it’s better to throw away our lives than have less than 100% record on rescue mission, because if we give humans even slightest pretext, they will instantly revert back to hating us, see? The President will stop taking my calls, people will want to arrest us for property damage, and neutralize our powers and stick us in prison for mutants.

Mystique: ...seriously, why am I on your side again?!

Prof X: Just have Kurt take Jean to the shuttle and she’ll hold it intact while he looks for the guy! Raven, I want to remind you I can bitch at you telepathically anytime, anywhere, for the rest of your life!

Mystique: DAMN YOU FINE

So they do it. Kurt manages to rescue the guy, but not Jean. The shuttle blows to bits around her. We are supposed to be sad for 2 seconds there, but then the Phoenix Flare swallows her, she survives, X-Men return to Earth with the astronauts and are showered with praise from adoring masses who stand there with cutesy sings to welcome them upon landing. Whatever.

Jean has a conversation with Scott where they mack on each other and she reassures him She’s Never Been Better, Really, I Feel Great After That Traumatic Experience, and Scott is like, IDK but okay?? I guess??

And Hank checks her out too, and her power is OVER NINE THOUSAAAAND, but Jean’s like, chill, I feel greeeeeat, so Hank’s like, the only problem with this situation is that I need to design a better power-meter!! Ha ha!

Meanwhile, back to plot A, where Charles Xavier continues to be a huge dick. Mystique calls him out about his control freak thing, Charles responds by being a sanctimonious asshole because it’s not like he ever learns or grows as a person in these movies, you know, and Mystique basically throws her arms up and storms out, which is a good representation for audience reaction at that point. Her parting shot is one of like two good lines in the whole movie:

Mystique: And anyway, as far as I can see, the women saved the day again! Maybe you should think about renaming us X-Women!

The movie will shortly repay her for that, don’t worry.

Some other things happen. Creepy aliens looking for Phoenix Booster covertly invade Earth. Mystique goes to Hank and says, hey so Charles is being a huge dick and a total control freak. I’m kinda fed up with him, maybe it’s time to move out and start living our own life? To which Hank is like, IDK Raven do even have a life outside X-Men, and I don’t want to move out of my lab, and Mystique is like, ugh okay I’ll stay.

Jean gets upset at the party and pushes some people over in midst of Phoenix breakdown, which makes everyone panic. Charles notices that her power is now OVER 9000 and he can’t just go and fuck around in her mind anymore, so the logical solution is to use Cerebro to do that anyway.

It turns out that Phoenix thing not only amplified Jean’s power, it also dissolved mental blocks Charles put in her mind to hide a terrible truth from her: her father survived the car crash. In fact, with her powers, she can find her father right now! Jean, in midst of her generic emotional crisis, blows out of the school to do exactly that, because she feels alone and misunderstood and betrayed, man.

It turns out he willingly gave her up and I guess hates her because she caused the accident by putting her mother to sleep while driving. Jean is pretty upset and about to smite the whole neighbourhood, when the X-Men arrive.

This is how X-Men discreetly take care of their business: They suit up in their official uniforms and take their official super-advanced jet and land it on the street, so everyone around will know what’s up. The only thing they were missing while confronting Jean was the transparent with the word INTERVENTION.

Jean freaks out, X-Men try to fight her, they all cause maximum collateral damage possible, there’s police, Mystique tries to talk Jean down, Jean semi-accidentally kills Mystique by pushing her over and impaling her on some wooden debris.

It’s all very badly written and feels utterly cheap and is a total waste of character. Frankly, the scene made me angry and not much else. But since the whole movie revolves on the fact that everyone is an idiot, Mystique didn’t go there anyway, I guess.

Anyway, it furthers three things:

Plot A, Charles is reaching new heights of being a huge dick wherein he goes to sprout platitudes at Hank, who predictably doesn’t want to listen to him and lashes out, to which Charles reacts very maturely by being OFFENDED, because Raven was HIS sister, OBVIOUSLY he’s the MOST injured party here! (No, seriously, he pretty much says that).

Plot B, Hank needs to be a bigger idiot, to which we will come back in a moment.

Plot C, Jean Grey is now Public Enemy Number One and all people are back to hating humans! The President literally stopped taking Xavier’s calls, people want to arrest X-Men for property damage, neutralize their powers and stick them in prison for mutants.

Oh, and aliens are tracking Jean to get the Phoenix Power or whatever.

Jeans next move is to go visit Erik Lehnsherr, who is living like a hobo in Genosha with a handful of like-minded mutants. She wants to ask him for life advice, I guess, because when Charles Xavier is being a huge dick and hiding your memories of your childhood trauma from you without your consent, Magneto is the only alternative.

Too bad she wants advice on Not Killing People With My Powers When I’m Kinda Upset With Them. It’s unsurprising that Erik Lehnsherr, who spend his whole life Deliberately Killing People With His Powers Because He Was Very Upset With Them, can’t really relate.

This upsets Jean further, and she demonstrates that by attacking US soldiers who came to Genosha to arrest them and doing her best to kill them. Then she flies off to drink in a bar, where an alien picks her up, because it wants to show her the whole wide world or something.

Let’s come back to plot B for a moment, which is Hank being an idiot. Hank is very distraught and wants to kill Jean. So Hank goes to Magneto.

Hank: I want to kill Jean and I need your help with that.

Erik: Wait, what? Why?

Hank: She killed Mystique!

Erik, already frothing at the mouth: ...let me grab my I’m Being A Huge Idiot Helmet, Hank, and we can commence the business of killing.

So the aliens are pitching their “Let’s Re-Create The Earth In Your Image” campaign to Jean, which can be done only in a New York townhouse, specifically in a very special bedroom (...oh hey, I didn’t pick up on that creepy vibe until now!).

Jean is largely convinced, because in this movie characters just go back and forth as the plot demans.

So both Charles and Erik with their lackeys track down Jean, and have a huge fight in front of the above-mentioned townhouse, with lots and lots of collateral damage while they debate who is right. Before that, Erik has the second good line in the movie, which is used to rightfully call out Charles:

Erik: You’re always sorry and there’s always a speech. But no one wants to listen anymore.

Anyway, X-Men and the mutants beat up each other, Erik gets into the house and fails to kill Jean, then Charles gets in the house and tries to talk down Jean, which is followed by perhaps the most genuinely disquieting scene in the movie, in which Jean uses her telekinesis to destroy the wheelchair and force Charles to walk up the stairs.

They have an exchange that is supposed to be hopeful and heartwarming and so on, but by this point I’m fed up with this world movie.

Jean rejects the aliens’ campaign, so the alien head honcho attempts to suck out the Phoenix Dust out of her, and partially succeeds, but is interrupted midway and knocked out. All the mutants are arrested, put into special shackles restricting their powers and put on a train which is going straight to special prison for mutants.

Don’t worry, we’re in the last stretch.

Aliens need the rest of Phoenix Macguffin, so they ambush the train. There’s a big action scene, everyone is fighting the aliens, there are a few cool shots but beyond that I’m blanking. In the end Jean awakens, wipes the floor with the aliens, and when the alien head honcho tries to emotionally blackmail her into not eviscerating its hide, she grabs it, flies up into the sky and explodes them both.

Much sad. Very sacrifice. Such tears etc etc etc.

AN EPILOGUE, FINALLY

The situation returns to the status quo, except some people are dead.

The humans were about to lock up mutants in a prison like five minutes earlier, but nobody mentions that. Guess everyone forgot about that.

As far as I can tell, nobody except X-Men noticed that Earth was about to be invaded by aliens.

The school is renamed after Jean Grey.

Hank is the new headmaster. On his desk, a cheesy nostalgic photo of Mystique.

Charles, despite seemingly getting a pass on his dickishness on every turn in this narrative, is Worn Down By His Losses and retires. He occupies his time by brooding morosely at a cafe in unspecified European-looking country.

Erik finds him there. He is disproportionately cheery, like a man who after decades of pining finally is in a place where he can bully his longtime crush into a reluctant chess date, which he proceeds to do.

Camera pans up, to the sky. The sky gives us Phoenix Force-shaped wink.

THE END