#ill come up with more eventually. and yes im making all of the twelves ancients into ocs. nobody can stop me

[trans-estinien]

ive decided im headcannoning some of the twelve werent amaurotine but were from other places. theres no fucking way VENAT only had amaurotine friends

[tallat-of-thralls]

My deity(ies) experience

Part 1: Childhood and teenagehood story of conflict.

I may or may not type part 2; we will see

***trigger warning: talking about blood and bleeding disorders in detail***

Im going to speak on something personal and is not meant to show any kind of disrespect to any of the deities I have interacted with in the past.

This isn't a "how to" but more of a chronicled transitional life events from the time i was a child up to the present as an adult.

As a child, like most US Americans, i grew up in a (nondenominational) Christian household celebrating and paying respects to that ideal. It was hard for me to clearly connect with the Christ Lord and in fact as a juvenile (6/7 yr old) the greek and egyptian pantheons made more sense to me.

I dont know if it was that the greek gods intermingling and then the showing of great petty and occasionally destructive behavior with their own worshippers and each other or the certain charm that came with how egyptian gods had interacted with the judeo-christian islamic pantheon as described in the old testament. But it was those two pagan pantheons that i had more exposure to in my home and it was their names i learned first.

One thing i knew as a child, despite my fascination with the psycophants and the lords messengers the angels of jci books, i could not accept the Christ Lord and His Father as my Shepherd. I didn't feel His love, His love seemed to have left me as a severely chronically ill child that spent most of my time alone and in pain.

Perhaps my straying was influenced by the sheer amount of rejection i had received at school, my community church, and some family. In any regard, by 11 or 12 i had decided that i would switch Gods and honor a different pantheon.

Repeatedly, through out my feeble life, i had been told by doctors and by the authority around me that i was dying. If i dont take my medicine, dont eat correctly, limit my activity, and so forth, that i was going to die bloated, blue, and alone in the hospital.

As a tween, i became morbid and obsessed with that idea of death especially since i had been recitated a couple times before i understood the concept of an after life. (My poor mother.) As a result of my upbringing, i have been accused of being sullen and dark by those around me due this constant memento mori.

Despite my ever decimating health problems and the threat of their festering dominion it was still my fault for being macabre. I digress.

Christ Lord and i had ceased our estranged communications after one very serious hemorrhage that landed me in the hospital as an 8yrold despite my prayers to stop it or relieve me from the coil. And insult to injury, was assured by a well intentioned nurse that it was within His plan. I no longer believed i could be heard or if i was heard obviously it was within His plan that i suffered thusly. I was disciplined by my catholic grandmother for having this faltering faith once i recovered enough to leave the hospital.

Always on my death bed and with one deformed foot in the grave, using my morbidity and macabre mind i had beseeched my first pagan god and renounced my affiliation with that of christian naysaying. In return, I had been received by a very sympathetic Anubis.

At eleven or twelves years old constantly on the brink of death, i called to the egyptian underworld one evening as blood poured from my face into the porcelain bowl of my downstairs toilet, "please make it stop. I cant take it this anymore."

Slowly becoming a trickle, for the first time in a very long time, years maybe, my facial hemorrhaging did not result in an emergency hospital stay and for once fully clotted. Yes the blood clot was like a foot (12in or 36 cm) long when i pulled it from my sinus cavity but it was better than bleeding out. Clotting is better than bleeding particularly when your disorder prevents you from clotting properly.

It was the first time i had actively received an answer to my prayers in a moment of crisis and weakness. Recalling the name i invoked, the name that spun and created comfort was He, Anubis, who made death his duty and chose to pick my foot out of the early grave.

(I cannot attest my recovery to medical miracles. My doctors had struggled with figuring out why i had these and how treat me to no end. I have had very bad interactions with many specialists as a result. So, it was fairly defeating when i suffered and it was equally mysterious to them when I began to recover.)

Since invoking Anubis the first time in ire of suffering and under the derision of fear, was the last time i agonized with my facial stigmata to the brink of unconsciousness. I still struggle with it like all my illnesses but that was the final time i had to loom over a bowl to properly gauge how much blood i was losing.

I still honor and thank my old friend to this day but as i slowly crept from the edge of the grave, i eventually had to talk to my good god and inform him that i feel i no longer struggled with imminent death and it was time for me, a 15/16 year old teen girl, to seek out another god or goddess that would bring growth in my life. Though Anubis was a great and wonderful god to have worked with for years since i was a child, i was no longer as concerned with the nearness of my death bed and no longer required such intense treatment from a manager of death.

Invocation of his name became less and less until we had mutually agreed that it was time for me to move on.

Which name was next? i had wondered. Would i ever have such a connection with another god or goddess as i did with Anubis?

Though i knew of other names and they had lingered on my tongue since i was a girl, the answer was No. I could not find another deity for years.

My health regressed but it still posed no lethal threat. I was bed ridden but not with fear of dying.

Hope escaped me. And for a solid 5 or 6 years, i was a godless heathen.

Doesn't mean i had lost practice. I just no longer involved the name of a deity and instead worked with minor or lesser beings like fairfolk, angels, daemons, etc.

Alas! A name will come to you once you start craving for the chant.

That is what had happened to me in my adult life.

I was 23/24 before another name, one that i have been familiar with throughout my late childhood and teenhood, rung out over the others. However, I did not realize that they were volunteering to be my next invocation and my next ethereal guide.

Twas an ancient deity of many pantheons of many names that was demonized during a time of philosophical growth with minimal success.

Working with them has been, i would say, mostly rewarding. Since i am still working with this very ancient presence and still learning about their nature, i am still building my relationship with them even though i have known many of their aspects from the interaction within the last few years.

So, i show reluctance in talking about this deity and their nature on the prospect that they are a complicated being that is not as straightforward as my relationship with Anubis had been. Nor does my knowledge of them suffice for me to say that i can teach you about them.

But hot damn, do they know how to push progress in such a cataclysmic way and with superior power moves. Not a gentle hand but certainly a firm one.