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rwbyremnants · 7 years

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by: BangAYang and NaughtyButWeiss universe: modern day USA, pop star/bodyguard

GENERAL WARNINGS: Eventual trigger warnings for depression and a suicide attempt. Lots of smut spread out between plot points, including with characters outside the main ship (Freezerburn). Also... it's going to be REALLY long.

NOTES: Yes, I understand this is FAR from the canon version of Jacques Schnee. This fic was written before Volume 4 came out and we knew nothing about him other than seeing what he looked like.

Anyway, welcome to a new Freezerburn fic from me and BangAYang! This is probably the universe we worked on the longest out of all of them - since firstly, it's a fic that's close to as long as "She Wants The Dust", and also because there may or may not be a spinoff! (You won't see that until this fic is finished though, which will take... quite some time haha.) Anyway we hope you like it, and are ready for some slow burn lovin'!

=Chapter 1

"FATHER, YOU HAVE SOME EXPLAINING TO DO!"

The words echoed out at the exact same time as the doors to the spacious penthouse office slammed open, two men barely able to fling themselves to either side to avoid being bruised. The silver-haired girl decked out in more jewellery than her musculature should have been capable of supporting paid them no mind; she only had eyes for the desk at the far end of the room.

"Ah, Weiss. Making an entrance again, I see…" The man she was heading toward was her employer as well as her father, and as such, was in charge of many important decisions in Weiss's career. One of which was about to be argued against it would seem.

But he was not alone. Just across the desk from him was a tall, well-built blonde girl in a nondescript black suit, who had stepped to one side as soon as Weiss entered the building. It seemed as though whatever they were discussing would have to wait.

“This bodyguard thing is unacceptable!” she burst out, rushing right past the blonde and slamming her open palm down onto his glass-topped desk. Not quite hard enough to crack, but it certainly posed a danger of doing so. “You haven’t consulted me during the selection process - didn’t consult me at all in the decision to have one! Do you really expect me to just roll over and let whoever you’ve summoned from the sewers into my LIFE?!”

"If that means it stops perverts getting close to you, then yes. May I remind you of the events of last week?"

It was quite the scare for everyone involved. Someone, be they a jealous rival or an overbearing fan, had sent a specific set of photos to Weiss's fanmails. Photos taken from within her trailer, in the private space no one should have gained access to. Since then, he had insisted upon the next line of safety: a bodyguard. Not merely a usual member of the security team who stood outside the door, but one who would be with her every moment of the day. Whose sole focus it was to double- and triple-check the safety of everywhere Weiss went.

Holding his hands in one another, he frowned. "Besides, it looks good for you. Think about it; having your own bodyguard, or ‘squad’ as the kids say, looks professional."

Gritting her teeth, she leaned in and knocked over a meaningless paperweight. It was an oval of amethyst perched atop a white marble base; there was no sentimental or real monetary value. She’d always hated it.

“What girl wants some suit-wearing old man with bulging neck muscles skulking around in their trailer?! He’d probably be just as bad as the pervert with the camera!”

"Which is why I haven't hired a man. If you'd have read the bio in the letter properly, you'd already know that your new body guard is a woman. Are you going to keep throwing my things all day, or are you going to let me introduce you?"

That made both of Weiss’s eyebrows shoot up. Could she have heard him correctly? “A woman?! That’s even WORSE! What good can a woman do against an attacker that I couldn’t do myself?! If you haven’t noticed lately, Father, I am a woman!”

"I'm well aware. But trust me, this one can handle herself." For a moment, he looked toward the lithe, muscled blonde girl who was first speaking to him when they were interrupted. Weiss clearly hadn't put two and two together with the outfit, and after they nodded to one another, his gaze returned to his daughter again. He held a hand out to gesture for her to take a second look.

"This is Yang Xiao Long, your bodyguard."

"Yo." Yang finally allowed a small smile to form, as she held a hand up to slightly wave.

"Ohhhhhh," Weiss breathed out slowly, nodding to herself. Her expression hadn't really lost any of its previous ire, but her voice was doing a good mockery of a person who was completely mollified. "So because she's Asian, and probably knows some kind of kung fu, I'm supposed to believe that she'll be able to keep me safe over your other guards?"

"Um... I'm right here," Yang reminded her, placing a hand on her hip as she slightly glared at her. Even if she'd just started, casual comments like that weren't on her list of things to put up with.

Nor was Mr Schnee willing to put up with the conversation much longer. "I'm impressed enough at her résumé. And to be frank, you only need to look at her. I think she could be just as intimidating as any of my men."

"Oh? Could she really?" Weiss turned and stepped right up to Yang's personal space, looking up into her face. It was a lovely one, with deep violet eyes and a smile that could turn playful at any moment - and though she could tell Yang had some muscle to her, she wasn't exactly a hulking bodybuilder. Plus, no bodybuilder would spend that much time making their blond hair so luxurious. "You don't intimidate me in the slightest, Xiao Long."

That strength was far easier displayed than it was explained. And as soon as she quickly looked over to her new boss, who simply shrugged about the matter, she quickly bent down and placed her hands on her hips, pulling her straight up into the air and onto her shoulder. All without a single grunt or hesitation, in one fluid movement.

“What the- HEY!” This was actually said around the time she was already being deposited on Yang’s shoulder, so complete was her shock. Flailing her legs in the air, she had to focus one hand on slapping down on her skirt to keep from flashing all the men in the room, and the other one was punching into Yang’s back. “Y-you put me down this instant!”

The constant flailing was doing nothing to put Yang off. In fact, she simply turned to ask, "Is she always like this?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so."

And with that, she lifted her back up again, placing her back down just as easily as before, with a light smirk to add,

"So, you were saying about me defending you against an attacker?"

The spoiled girl was positively vibrating as she stared up at her new bodyguard's haughty expression of triumph. Former bodyguard, anyway. "Father, I absolutely refuse to spend another moment in this boorish woman's company! Not after that! So you can take your offer of a bodyguard and kindly shove it up your-"

"You've got the job." He didn't even let his daughter voice her concerns. Even if it was supposed to be Weiss's decision. Instead, he had just turned to face Yang, holding out a hand for her to shake in agreement. "Standard hours, but when you're on tour, you're expected to room with her in the bus. Be sure to bring your own bedding; I’ve heard the sofa-sleeper is comfortable, but does not come with sheets…"

"T-thank you, sir." She could barely believe the exchange herself as she shook her new employer's hand. Were they really going to get along okay after Weiss objected so much?

And she wasn’t through, it seemed. “You expect me… to just let this complete stranger into my life?! Without me having met her more than five minutes ago?! We don’t know anything about her! Has Winter even met with her yet? You know what a stickler she is for everything going through the proper channels!”

Clearly taking none of this, her father could only smirk as he held up the résumé of the girl in question, reading aloud some of the factors for her. "Let's see, graduated from Beacon Academy three years ago, worked as a bouncer for Junior’s Nightclub for two years. Took media studies in school and passed with flying colours."

"Or you could just, y'know, ask. But seeing as your tour's in a month, I think that'll be plenty of time for us to get to know one another." Seemed Yang was gaining more confidence now that she knew her father was on her side, shown by a rather smug smirk.

By now, Weiss had run out of things to say. The blonde bouncer really did seem to have enough experience to justify her coming aboard for Team Schnee. However, the man himself was still going to pay at some point for going completely over her head and cutting her out of this entire process.

“Fine,” she growled. “Then I expect for you to renegotiate that North American tour with Neptune Vasilias, as we previously mentioned. We both know you sabotaged that deal on purpose because you don’t like him!”

"Please. It's not my fault that insipid rich boy's agents couldn't see talent when it was clearly right in front of them. But I suppose, that's a fair exchange… I’ll work on it if…"

When the room was quiet for a few agonising seconds, Yang supplied, "If I come with?"

"Yes, exactly!" This truly was working in Mr Schnee's favour after all. Not only had he hired a bodyguard who was more than capable - and apparently not stupid - but it meant he could also keep an eye out for Weiss when he couldn't in person. Even when she was touring. Whether or not the good terms remained throughout was yet to be seen…

“This isn’t over,” Weiss hissed angrily, turning to leave. When Yang started keeping pace, she stopped to snap, “Don’t follow me!”

“No can do, Princess. This is my job now. You heard the man.”

“UGH!” Pointing at him, she snapped “You just wait! I’ll figure out a way around this! Just wait!”

The instant the two got back to Weiss’s room, she turned and stomped forward until she was right in Yang’s face once more. All the way there, she had been huffing and puffing, snapping at guards or at personal assistants, texting angrily on her phone. But not one word had been said between them. Now that was about to change.

“Are you going to throw me over your shoulder like a sack of potatoes again, or can I get some tiny shred of respect?”

The new hire was stunned. As it turned out, Weiss Schnee was grumpy, snappy, and overall not the kind of person to be around if you wanted a good outlook on life. And while up until that point she was looking forward to working with the great Weiss, a music artist she had started to appreciate over the past couple of years, now she was unsure. Especially after such a tantrum!

"Respect is a two-way street,” Yang said hesitantly. “And so far, all you've done is assume I know kung fu because of my race."

"Hey, you hire an Asian bodyguard, I think it goes without saying." Then she paced around her, inspecting every inch of her. The tidy suit that echoed those of her father's guards was obviously cut for her frame, flattering it slightly without being showy or making her look like a girl in menswear. To Weiss, it was readily apparent that she was beyond uncomfortable in such garb.

“We have to get you out of those clothes.”

Yang blinked, thrown off by the sudden change in topics. In fact, a very unexpected change, if she had heard her right. "Excuse me?!"

"You're not going to wear that while working for me," she scoffed. “Seriously, a girl in a suit?”

That made her breathe a sigh of relief. Still, how dare this brat make such judgments? Even if it wasn't what she would usually wear, and certainly not on her list of fashion choices, she wasn't just going to stand by and let her client bash her uniform! Still, at least she could twist this to her advantage, putting on a sarcastic voice.

"Oh, I'm sorry, I left my kimono at home; this was all I could throw together."

Totally missing the sarcasm of that clothing choice, Weiss sighed, "Not that I know how a kimono hangs on you, and I don't want to know." She paced back and forth for a few seconds, high heels clicking against the stone floors. "Tomorrow, you will wear something you would usually wear. Either as a bouncer, or on an average day when you're ready for clubbing – or whatever it is you do. You in that suit, you're so… stiff, starchy. It's not even a blank slate to work from!"

Now that Weiss's father was out the way, there was a very slight shift in her attitude. Even if the suit was just as Weiss described, stiff and frigid, she could at least make a decent comeback a lot quicker. "Whoa, I didn't expect you to swing that way. Y'know, wanting to see me in skimpy club gear…"

"Swing what way? Skimpy?" Then her eyes shot wide. "Oh my god, you're a lesbian. You're a freaking lesbian, aren't you?! This is just so typical - my father hires a woman bodyguard so she won't try to sell ‘exclusive Weiss upskirt pics’ to the highest bidder, and doesn't even bother to check if she'll be as bad as the men!"

"Yeah, sure, let's go with that then. I'm a big stupid lesbian who just wants to get you naked, you got me." But when Weiss didn't appear amused by the joke, or to catch her deadpan tone of voice, she groaned loudly in annoyance. "Don't flatter yourself; do you really think I'd risk a job like this on doing something so sleazy?"

Though the petite diva seemed to mull that over for a few seconds, in the end, she rolled her eyes and spat, "FINE. Just wear your usual clothing tomorrow; I'm not having a clunky suit lurking around in my dressing room all the time, and that is final. Maybe I can't convince my father I don't need a bodyguard, but I'll be damned if you're not under my orders now."

"A fashionable bodyguard, how scary," Yang commented, holding her hands in the air in a facetious display of fear to annoy her even further. For a first day, this was certainly not what she expected. She at least figured Weiss would be as upbeat as some of her songs, but perhaps not.

“You aren’t scary anyway,” she scoffed. However, then she took a quick step backward. “And don’t pick me up again, just to prove you can. That was weird!”

"I bet Neptune couldn't do that," she teased, waiting patiently outside Weiss's room while she gathered her things. She didn't dare enter until invited in. She really was as stiff as Weiss described, even if her sarcasm said otherwise.

“What?! How dare you say- Neptune and I aren’t even friends! Why should he pick me up, when he has people who could pick me up for him?! And why do I have to be picked up at all?!” Finally, after she had changed out a shirt for another shirt and put on a jacket, she turned back to see Yang loitering outside. “What are you doing?”

"Um, not invading your privacy until you say I can?" It was a subtle hint for Weiss to invite her inside, as well as demonstrating how she worked. Most others would have simply paid no heed and barged in regardless of if they were allowed or not.

“Hey, you don’t have to ask MY permission,” she flung at the bodyguard as she paced closer. “My father’s already given it to you, and apparently, my wishes are irrelevant! Right?”

"Hey, all I did was go to a job interview. I didn't subscribe to your family drama on the daily, alright?" They were getting nowhere. Barely even into the day and the majority of words spoken to one another were shouted rather than civil. Part of her wanted to throw the towel in there and then. "Look, I didn't know the job was without your consent, you didn't know you were getting a guard. So can you at least try and tolerate me and know I'm just doing my job?"

The words caught Weiss off guard, and it showed. She took a step back and blinked at Yang, not having expected the bodyguard to have a brain.

“Well... that’s just...” Sighing, she ran a hand through her bangs. “Okay, fine. You may - may have a point. We might as well try and make the best of this ludicrous situation we’ve been smashed into together.”

"God, what a crushing blow. It's as though you only had four limos instead of five. So sad…"

But Yang finally took up the offer and paced into the room. She was actually in the living space of Weiss! Fans would die to be in that positions, one of those even including her own sister, Ruby. Yet… it wasn't what she was expecting at all. The space was completely bland of colour, or even belongings in general. Even if Weiss was away for long periods of time, and if this wasn't even her main home, she expected a few personal quirks to at least talk about. But there were none whatsoever. Not even so much as a fluffy toy on the bed.

"Very… um… white."

"Don't you hate it?" she sighed, flopping on the white leather couch and crossing her legs immediately. The sparkling silver heels caught the light and made tiny patterns bounce off the walls. "So... pristine. Sterile, like a hospital. But I have an image to maintain." After a few more seconds, she gestured to a mostly uncomfortable-looking chair. "Have a seat. We should probably go over my schedule, protocols, other boring details."

All that space on the sofa, and Weiss pointed out the blander looking chair for her to sit. Typical. But just as asked, she sat immediately down, shuffling the chair to face her more so she could provide her full attention.

"Alright. First thing is, when do I get my badass shades?"

The question took her by surprise. “Your... what, I’m sorry?”

"Shades? Y'know, sunglasses?" But Weiss still didn't seem to understand the humour, making Yang just clear her throat and hunch her shoulders nervously. "Aaalright, back to serious, got it..."

“Oh. Well, bring in your favourite pair tomorrow; if they are inadequate, we’ll replace them along with the rest of your clothing.” As if that settled the matter, she straightened slightly. “My tours are often hectic; I have a large bus that takes us from city to city, and sometimes autograph sessions stretch on longer than planned and we’re forced to hurry to our next destination. Though I still don’t see the need for a bodyguard… you will be expected to keep our speed up, because I can’t let your desire to ‘play it safe’ interfere with my schedule.”

"Hey, since when did I say I like to take it safe and slow? I can go fast. I’ve got a rice rocket, which could even serve as a backup escort if needs be." Just what she needed: a big blonde brute who rode around on a two-wheeled death trap as her guard. That should put a little shock into the prissy girl.

However, Weiss’s reaction surprised the brute. Leaning forward an inch or two, she asked in a rush, “You have a motorcycle? What kind?”

Finally, something that could possibly talk about besides business. "It's a custom body, but it's built mainly from a Yamaha VFR Eight hundred. Managed to get it to two hundred at top speed."

“Two hundred?! That’s so-” And then she seemed to come back to herself, as if waking from a fever-dream. Sitting back slightly and attempting to regain her former detached aire, she said, “Yes, I approve. Yamaha makes great bikes. You’ll have to show me sometime.”

"Oh, will I now?" She raised an eyebrow, giving a small wink when Weiss's gaze met hers. But before she could dwell on the thought of her being a 'big stupid lesbian' again, she cleared her throat. "Yeah, fast is fine; schedule to keep. Anything else I should know? Your dad was worried about someone getting into the bus at one point?"

A shadow of worry passed over Weiss’s features. “That was… a one-time fluke. Security in general was lackluster in that particular venue, and I refuse to perform there again unless they can somehow prove to me that they have rectified that enormous oversight.”

"Still not so good it happened, but I'm guessing you want me to stand out guard if there's any particularly sketchy areas? Make sure no one gets in or can sneak a camera backstage?"

“That is in your job description, is it not?” Then she glanced toward the door, and back to Yang. “Hey… can you do something for me? As a sort of trial.”

"If you ask me to get you a lattè, I quit." Yet again no laughter from her joke, even if she thought it was funny. So she simply leaned forward to listen."Go on?"

Leaning in as well, she lowered her voice conspiratorially. “One of my father’s guards, the one with the knuckle tattoos and the insipid expression… I’ve caught him looking a few times.” When Yang didn’t reply, she added, “At me. In ways that are unprofessional.”

"You mean the biggest dude? Really?" The expression was more surprise than what Weiss would have expected. Anyone else would have looked at the largest guard and fled a mile, or even said they should take it up with her father.But not Yang; she looked disgusted and angry on her behalf. "And you want me to tell him to mind his own business if he does again?"

“No. I want you to show him.” She let it hang there; she was curious just how Yang would handle this without giving her any further instruction.

"Show him, huh?"Her first assignment was apparently to teach a perverted guard some manners. For some reason, that made her smirk a little more. "I can do that."

Returning the smirk, Weiss nipped her phone out of her Versace handbag and thumbed the screen a few times as she stood. “Yes, Father, it’s me again so soon. We are about to conduct an… unscheduled training session for the new hired help. Please be advised that there will be a disturbance.”

"Right now?!" That caught Yang by surprise. She was looking forward to it, sure; but didn't expect to be thrown in the deep end on her very first day! Still, she was in no position to argue, not when it seemed like Weiss was relying on her. Getting up from her chair, she looked back over to her client. "Lead the way."

And Weiss did. She walked down the hall until she reached a blind corner, where a couple of large, leafy plants made it hard to see around it. Once there, she took up a position within said plants and peered down toward her father’s door.

“Yes, he’s definitely on duty,” the pampered girl grunted. “Alright. Let’s see what you got.”

"You really want me to do this right now?"But the glare gave enough or an answer. Reluctantly sighing, she got up from their hiding place, making her way out from behind the leaves and walking straight toward the door to the main office, and to the doorman in question.

How should she start this? She was still new, she couldn't just punch him out of the blue. She at least needed to warn him.

"Hey, you with the tats. Can I talk to you for a second?"

The man glanced at her, then looked away. It seemed he couldn’t help but listen, but had no real inclination to give her any recognition.Peering down at the small name tag fastened to his jacket, she was beginning to doubt her plan already. And that was slightly obvious by the way she ran her hand through her hair, making a long wincing sound for a moment.

"Listen, Mr Coal, Ms Schnee seems to think you got a bad case of The Wandering Eyes… maybe even taking some pictures. Just wanted to ask if you could, you know, back off."

Coal finally snapped around to look at her, sneering. “Excuse me? You got any proof to back up that crazy theory of yours, blondie?”

"I got her word. And it's my job to take her word, so that's what I'll do. Take it as a friendly warning! Next one won’t be so friendly."

It was now a stare off between the smaller, yet just as intimidating blonde girl and the larger figure of the bodyguard, neither of which were about to step up to take things further than talking it seemed. “Then you ain’t got shit. Now get out of here, grown folks are trying to work.” Then he glanced down along her frame, allowing his gaze to linger on key aspects. “Unless you got another reason to stick around...?”

Oh, how that made her blood boil. This was the guy alright, it had to be. Especially if he was making comments like that to her alone. With a bitter sweet smile, she just began to turn. "No no, that will be all, thanks."

However, as she began to move away, he uttered the words “Your loss” and lightly patted her behind. It wasn’t a hard swat, and neither was there gripping.The instant she felt it was touched, she flinched, eyes snapping wide open. That was impossible for her to ignore, whether or not it was light or heavy, accidental or on purpose. Hands forming into tight fists, she let a chuckle out to herself.

"Ohhhh, you really shouldn't have done that," she growled – before turning as fast as she could, allowing said fist to contact with his face at full force. The man reeled, not having expected such a violent reaction. Verbal barbs or a death glare, yes, but not a mean right cross to his face! Staggering back, he clutched his nose tenderly as blood just began to run down from inside.

"What… do you have a deathwish, you bitch?!"

"Oh, I'm so sorry, you didn't know? That's how I return an unwanted advance."Her hand was still curled into a fist, but her other pointed right at him. "That can be your new warning; don't touch me again, don't be a peeping Tom at Weiss again. Or next time, I’ll Yang you up worse than that little lovetap."

Rage pulsed in the man's temples. By now, the guard on the opposite side of the door had one hand inside his jacket, waiting for the worst to happen, but he'd been paying enough attention that he knew the reason behind the attack.

"You... you are gonna PAY for that!" Coal said as he took a step toward Yang.

But before he could make any further moves, the door to Mr Schnee's office door swung open, and he looked right toward them both in concern. It was very easy for him to have heard the entire encounter, considering they were standing just on the other side of the door.

"What on earth is going on here?!"

"Sorry, sir, I'm just doing my job," said a confident Yang, who right away turned to face him. Although she was terrified of the consequences, she knew telling him would be the better option, so she pointed straight to Mr Coal. "Apparently, your boy here's been taking long looks at my client. Probably even taking sneaky pics with a shoe-cam. She asked me to have a word and… well, I don't take to being spanked by strangers very well."

"HEY, I never did anything like that!" the guard burst out immediately, though his voice sounded quite ridiculous with a broken nose. "Yeah, maybe I got an eyeful when she walked away, but- but that's not a crime, and it was only once or twice! I haven’t been taking any pictures, I swear to god!"

"You there." Mr Schnee instead gestured to the opposite guard, deciding to ignore both Yang and Coal until he could get a completely unbiased answer. "Did you see it? Is this true?"

"Completely, sir. I was ready to intervene if it got serious, but in all honesty, I'm surprised she didn't punch him again."

"Is that so?" His gaze turned back to Coal again. This time it was full of anger toward him, an expression he may not have seen before, apart from when Mr Schnee gave the few warnings he had received in the past. "I suggest you clean yourself up, and accept your admission of guilt as your resignation. Even without any ‘worse’ conduct than groping Weiss’s bodyguard today, you've had warnings before. This seems too coincidental to be 'one of those things'. Not where my daughter is concerned."

Growling and swearing under his breath, he swung his gaze around toward Yang again - but did a double-take when he saw Weiss had silently walked up behind the bodyguard. She was now standing with hands on hips, piercing him with her icy gaze.

"This ain't over," he snapped. "She still physically assaulted me! Doesn't matter what I did in the first place, it didn't mean she had to bloody my damn nose!"

"Oh, so I'm supposed to just lay down and take sexual harassment, right?" Yang was just as smug in her responses, even showing it as she smirked to him when he gave yet another glare. “No thanks.”

Having heard enough, Mr Schnee clicked his fingers, gesturing for the other guard. "Escort him off premises, please; I don't want him here a second longer."

"Yes, sir," the other guard said, snagging Coal's elbow and dragging him down the hallway. He protested by way of a few shouts and thrashings, but by and large, it was an easy task. There wasn't much he could do if he broke free.

"Alright," Weiss sighed uneasily. "Glad we have that settled."

"Was that latter part true?" Mr Schnee asked before Yang could get a single word in on the matter, looking straight down toward his daughter. "About him spying on you?"

"That… may have been a slight elaboration," she admitted, though the expression that went along with her words made it seem as if she wasn't telling the truth. Based on that, she followed up with, "But honestly, he spent so much time staring at my ass while I was walking around, making growling noises to insinuate I was his next chew toy, it was only a matter of time before he pounced!"

There was a loud sigh from the Schnee CEO. She had just made her new bodyguard act clearly on assumptions. And although he did earn a firm punch to the face for being a creep, there was little reason for the event to start in the first place. He knew his daughter too well, and knew what she was attempting to do. Testing Yang’s loyalty.

So instead he played with the matter more, turning around to Yang, even letting a confident smirk slip."You're better than I thought. I figured you'd need to adjust to the differences between bouncer work and body-guarding, but in a day you've done just as any professional would. Well done."

Weiss blinked in mild surprise at the praise. Normally, if an employee took initiative like that, Mr. Schnee was best known for coming down hard on them for bothering to think. "But… but she cold-cocked him!"

"No ‘buts’; Yang's more than proven she's worthy of the role." And with that final word, he turned to head back into his office, leaving behind a gobsmacked Weiss, and a confidently smirking Yang in his wake.

Who just raised her eyebrows when she looked back at Weiss. "So. My own couch on the tour bus, huh?"

"You..." Blinking, the diva slowly seemed to come back to herself. "That was unnecessarily violent. It did get the job done, and I'd be lying if I said it wasn't satisfying to watch… but in the future, you need to learn how to solve your problems without random bloodshed. You could have put him in a headlock or something."

"Hey, he slapped my ass, so I just punched his back. Oh wait, that was his face; sorry. It’s so hard to tell them apart." Weiss was unamused. So when the smug expression went back to the business again, she cleared her throat. "Sorry. I'll be sure to do that in the future."

"Good. Because the headline 'Weiss's Bodyguard Bloodies Paparazzi' might be decent publicity for my tour, but then I would have to fire you so I don't look like I tolerate that kind of behaviour on my staff… and then Father would force me to replace you, and I'd probably end up with another muscle-necked lout who will check out my boobs constantly."

"On you still have that; I'm a big, stupid lesbian, remember?"

She really wasn't going to let Weiss live those few judgements down. And if this was how she acted now in their first meeting, how much worse would it be on tour? For a long moment, Weiss glared up at this person she couldn't seem to pry loose from her life, who didn't bow down and take orders like any other employee. Against her will, she was beginning to feel the first twinklings of respect.

"Listen," she hissed up at her. "I'm still not quite sure how I feel about you, but it looks like we're stuck together. So do me a favour - stay out of my way, and I'll stay out of yours."

And with that, she began stomping off to her room, not caring whether or not Yang would follow. Though she did, it was at a leisurely pace, already lamenting that she had ever taken this job and dreading the months to come. How could any single, hundred-pound slip of a girl be so much of a headache?

#white noise #popstarverse #rwby fanfiction #freezerburn #freezerburn fanfic #rwbyremnants

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thefingerfuckingfemalefury · 7 years

Text

Samantha and her girlfriend watch Gotham Season 3! :D

And this week!

Jervis Tetch’s Ridiculously Circuitous Revenge Scheme is three quarters complete!

Oswald Cobblepott is a Terrible Role Model!

Edward Nygma is Just Terrible!

And Jim Gordon continues to be a blight on the lives of everyone who has ever known or met him!

Our episode opens with a couple getting married!

Me: Awwwwww

I am so happy for Nameless Woman and Unknown Man!

My Girlfriend: I sure hope that nothing happens to ruin this Touching Domestic Bliss

Me: She’s a black woman and this is Gotham

I have worries about how this will end

Nameless Bride hugs her Equally Nameless Father and it’s all very cute

Me: THEY’RE DOOMED AREN’T THEY

My Girlfriend: This is not going to end well for anyone

And they climb into a limo…only for us to see that the driver is none other than Jervis Tetch!

My Girlfriend: Damn it, I knew they shouldn’t have hired a limo driver through Craigslist

Me: The father of the bride is going to be giving this rental car agency SUCH a bad Yelp review

My Girlfriend: He has got SERIOUS reservations about how sloppy the background checks they do on their employees are

The newlyweds are getting very cuddly in the back of the limo when Jervis rolls down the window and begins Being Creepy

Me: “Oh no…we’re going to have to make awkward small talk with the driver all the way to the destination”

My Girlfriend: “No no, I’m actually just going to murder you both”

Me: “Oh thank god”

The groom tells Jervis they need to get to the reception and Jervis ominously declares that they won’t be able to attend

Me: I don’t think Jervis has the hang of this job

My Girlfriend: This attitude is why he was fired from that cab company as well

The groom asks if this is some kind of joke….

My Girlfriend: The Joker is a different character entirely

Me: And ohhhhhh boy, wait until this season gets around to HIM

Jervis however tells them that the situation is “Quite serious” and the two try to leave only to discover that the doors are locked!

My Girlfriend: “Honey

I’m starting to think that this guy isn’t a real limo driver”

Me: But he’s wearing the little cap and everything!

They don’t let just ANYONE wear those!

The couple beg Jervis not to hurt them but Jervis declares that’s not up to him

“Your fate depends entirely on James Gordon”

My Girlfriend: “OH GOD WE’RE GOING TO DIE”

Me: The good news is they’re still at the church!

So they can just have the funeral in the same place they held the wedding!

My Girlfriend: SO CONVENIENT

And we then see that there’s…a kid in the seat next to Jervis?

Me: UMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

My Girlfriend: Okay

Knowing full well I may regret asking this

I’m going to ask anyway

WHY THE FUCK IS THERE A SMALL CHILD IN THE CAR WITH HIM

Me: Given how the Hatter is written in the comics

I feel like we really don’t want to have an answer to that question

And then title card!

My Girlfriend: I’ve never been more grateful for a scene change…

Me: I did not want to see any more of that

And we’re over at Penguin’s Weird Old House!

Where Oswald is in good spirits

“What a beautiful morning!

The sun is shining

Birds are singing”

Me: “Somewhere a top hat wearing weirdo is abducting a newly wed couple”

My Girlfriend: “And I just know that at some point today I’ll probably get to murder someone”

Penguin declares that “Fortune favours the brave” and then asks his Comedy Stereotype Maid if they have that saying in her country

She answers with…something

My Girlfriend: I could be wrong

But I don’t even think that’s a foreign language she’s speaking

Me: I legitimately think the writers just had the actress do an accent and mumble

My Girlfriend: Because what the show was really missing this season was more Comedy Racism

Penguin notes that he doesn’t understand what his maid is actually saying and she…responds the same

Me: “That was not helpful”

My Girlfriend: Did it occur to Oswald to either learn her language or hire a maid who speaks a language he speaks as well?

Me: But then the writers couldn’t make jokes about how LOL people in the service industry are Weird Foreigners with Funny Accents

My Girlfriend: And god forbid THAT happen!

Penguin Dramatically Declares that he must tell the Riddler how he feels about him

Quoth his maid?

“DA!”

Me: “With the support of a Comedy Stereotype how can I fail?”

My Girlfriend: She believes in you Oswald

Go be happy with your weird riddle boyfriend

Penguin cheerfully notes that he knows that this word means yes, saying that his mother taught him that one

My Girlfriend: So nice of her to teach him all of ONE word of her homelands language

Me: Learning another language would have taken up time that could be better spent killing people with umbrellas

Penguin says that his mother taught him that “Life only gives you one true love Oswald”

Me: “And it’s me

All you have is mother and everyone else will hurt you”

My Girlfriend: “Now that I think of it maybe she wasn’t the best source of life lessons”

Penguin says that his mother told him that when he finds his true love he should “Run to them

So that is what I’m going to do

….

I’m also going to enrol you in an ESL programme, you really should learn the language if you’re going to work here”

Me: The only alternative is that HE learn how to speak another language and that’s just ridiculous

My Girlfriend: “TRY SPEAKING AMERICAN

IT’S THE ONLY LANGUAGE I UNDERSTAND”

Me: Also: further proof that this show is literally a sitcom

My Girlfriend: I can picture exactly where they’d put the laugh track in this scene

Meanwhile, Nice Guy Jim Gordon and Valerie Vale are grabbing coffee at a diner and Valerie is talking about how she hears that Leslie Thompkins is the one researching Alice Tecth’s Murder Blood

Me: HOW DOES SHE HEAR THESE THINGS

My Girlfriend: We haven’t seen her do any actual journalist work since episode two

Your guess is as good as mine

Me: Are the cops at the GCPD posting this stuff on Twitter?

My Girlfriend: #OnlyInGotham

Gordon grumps about it and Valerie asks if Gordon can get her a sit down with Leslie

Me: “I’d like you to get her to sit on my face

I mean down with me”

My Girlfriend: Valerie Vale is gonna steal your Gal

Me: And be her Vale Gal Pal

Gordon is unwilling to help and claims that it’s “Complicated”

Valerie says that it’s actually simple…he just calls Leslie up and tells her that she’d like “A sit down to discuss Alice Tetch’s blood”

My Girlfriend: “That’s a normal thing people do right?

Call their ex on the phone to ask them to talk about blood with a stranger”

Me: Valerie you are adorable and smart but you maybe need to work on your people skills

My Girlfriend: And your life choices

“She won’t give you anything”

“You leave that part to me”

Me: “She’s played by Monica Baccarin

I might not have been willing to sleep with that haematologist

But I’ll DEFINITELY have sex with her for information”

My Girlfriend: “Or for free, honestly”

Valerie tells Jim that she could get used to him helping her with her stories and says that they make a pretty good team

Me: Like that time he cuffed her in her car and abandoned her in the streets of the most dangerous city on earth

My Girlfriend: TEAMWORK!

Gordon asks if that means that Valerie will share her breakfast with him which she wards him away from

Me: “TOUCH MY MCMUFFIN AND DIE”

My Girlfriend: What is it with Jim Gordon and making everyone else buy him food

Me: He needs that money for whiskey Rebecca

Valerie then asks Jim if he’s just going to give up being a P.I, noting that he’s only had two cases

“One girl died and the other one…you never found her”

My Girlfriend: “Thanks for bringing up how I got a girl killed

And that a missing child is still who knows where

Having god knows what happen to her”

Me: She really knows how to brighten up the morning

My Girlfriend: Talking about missing kids and dead people over coffee and eggs is the best way to start the day

Gordon says that he’s happy

Me: LYING IS WRONG GORDON

And Valerie’s response?

“Of course you are

You get to drink scotch all day and have sex with me”

My Girlfriend: Sounds like a happy life to me

Me: I’d have no complaints about that lifestyle either

Valerie declares that this was “Nice” and then heads off, telling Gordon to let her know when he hears from Leslie

Me: “I really enjoyed talking about dead people and poison blood with you”

My Girlfriend: I’m starting to worry that Valerie might be a bit of a Nightmare Fetishist

And off she goes!

Leaving Gordon to just look like someone kicked his dog

Me: Did she pay the bill?

My Girlfriend: No

No she did not

Me: Valerie Vale, adorable master of the Dine and Dash

And then OH JESUS

My Girlfriend: WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT

Me: Did we just wander into a David Lynch movie

My Girlfriend: NO REALLY WHAT IS THAT

I DON’T LIKE THAT GET HIM OFF THE SCREEN

Yep, the most Unnerving Looking Dude you could imagine just…walks up to Gordon’s table and says he has a message from Jervis

Me: Please deliver it and then leave quickly

YOU ARE HAUNTING TO LOOK AT

My Girlfriend: (DISTRESSED SOUNDS)

GET IT OUT

Unnerving Man delivers an Unsettling Rhyme about how if Gordon doesn’t go to a certain location people will die…

Me: Okay, he’s gone babe

It’s okay

My Girlfriend: (Peeks out from behind a cushion) you’d better not be lying to me

AND THEN OH NO HE’S BACK

My Girlfriend: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Me: I AM SO SORRY

I thought he was gone

My Girlfriend: I’m not watching this episode until he is no more

Unnerving Guy robot walks Gordon to a payphone just so he can receive a call from Jervis

Me: This seems like a needlessly circuitous way of going about calling him

My Girlfriend: People DO have cell phones in this world Jervis

Me: Hell he could have just had his Zombie Henchman here TELL Jim what was going on

In something other than nonsense rhymes

My Girlfriend: Instead he brainwashes a man made of chalk to tell Jim Gordon a rhyme then take him to a payphone just so he can call it and have him pick up

Me: Jervis Tetch would get dizzy trying to walk in a straight line

Gordon says some Generic Tough Guy Talk about how Jervis should have stayed in hiding but Jervis, still in his limo driver get up, says he wasn’t just hiding

“I put the time to good use”

Me: “I passed my driving test

And got gainful employment with a limo company”

My Girlfriend: “Businesses in this city have very lax hiring policies I am concerned”

Jervis claims that he’s made a “Thorough study” of Gordon, bringing up his dead father, ruined career and lousy relationships

My Girlfriend: Quick Question:

WHERE DID HE LEARN ALL THIS

Me: It’s like he’s rattling off a recap of the past two seasons

My Girlfriend: Has he been reading our riffs?

Me: That or he just went on Wikipedia and looked up the episode plot summaries

Jervis says that he’s been in Jim’s head and “Seen the web of lies” he lives his life by, psychobabbling away

Me: Apparently he not only got his driving licence he’s been taking a psych class at the Gotham community college while he’s been away too

My Girlfriend: It’s how he met Harley and Jonathan

Me: Maxie Zeus was in the class for a while too but he switched majors to Mythology and Introduction to Ancient Greek Literature

Jervis says that he’s going to make Jim confront who he really is and “Drive him mad”

My Girlfriend: As opposed to the picture of stability he is now

He tells Gordon to look up at a nearby overpass…where we see the bride and groom from the start of the episode ready to jump!

Me: “THAT OVERPASS HAS BEEN NOTHING BUT TROUBLE SINCE IT WAS BUILT”

My Girlfriend: He didn’t even hypnotise them into doing this, they just want out of the episode

Jervis introduces them, saying they were married just this morning

Me: “And they’re going to be buried this afternoon”

My Girlfriend: What is he trying to prove with this exactly?

Me: Somehow it is all James Gordon’s fault that some top hat wearing weirdo is going around bumping off newlyweds

Jervis explains that the two are going to jump to their death and that Jim COULD take the stairs nearby to save them…

Me: “But be warned

THERE ARE OVER FIFTEEN STEPS

AND THEY ARE VERY STEEP AND UNEVEN”

My Girlfriend: That sounds like a LOT of work

Is there an escalator he could take instead?

Me: Maybe he could just set up some kind of trampoline down here on the ground

However Jervis reveals he’s ALSO hypnotised a kid to stand in the middle of the road and be hit by a truck driven by his henchman

My Girlfriend: He’s been REALLY busy this morning

Me: He’s hypnotised a small child, a newlywed couple and what appears to be a man covered in talcum powder

Rented a limousine

AND stolen a truck

My Girlfriend: And found the one working payphone in operation in this or any other city in America

Me: Seems to almost strain credibility

Jervis says that Gordon can only save one of them, the boy or the couple

Cue James Gordon taking off in slow motion to save the kid!

My Girlfriend: NO YOU ASSHOLE

DON’T RUN IN SLOW MOTION YOU WON’T GET THERE IN TIME

Me: “I ran the only way I know how

By putting one leg in front of the other

In rapid succession”

My Girlfriend: He feels muscular and compact, like corned beef

The truck dramatically closes in on the boy as we see Jim…STILL running in slow motion

Me: “MY THIS SEEMS TO BE TAKING ME A LONG TIME”

My Girlfriend: He’ll never reach him

That truck is moving at normal speed

While he’s running in action hero slow mo

Me: That’s not even a special effect, that’s just how Jim Gordon naturally runs

Jim saves the kid!

Me: I’m so glad we didn’t have to see a smol kiddo get hit by a truck

My Girlfriend: After last weeks Priest Exploding I was unsure how this would end

But the couple leap to their deaths and off-screen we get the most hilarious sound effect EVER

Me: OH NO

They landed on cereal!

My Girlfriend: JIM GORDON DOES NOT LIKE THE CRONCH

Gordon Dramtically Stands over the bodies for a bit and then the payphone starts ringing again…

Me: “I wonder who this could be”

My Girlfriend: “this had better not be Jervis Tetch again”

Jim runs over to it and answers it with an angry “You son of a bitch”

Me: It’s a good thing it is Jervis actually, otherwise this would get awkward

My Girlfriend: Answering the phone like this is why Jim lost his job at the Suicide Hotline

Gordon angrily accuses Jervis of needlessly killing innocents but Jervis seriously tries to claim that it’s Gordon’s fault, saying that he “Practically pushed them off the ledge”

Me: That makes…WHAT THE HELL KIND OF SENSE?!

My Girlfriend: HOW DARE HE make the choice to stop a child being hit by a speeding truck

WHAT A MONSTER

Me: I never thought I’d be defending James Gordon but seriously

HE HAD NO GUILT IN THIS

Jervis kidnapped three people and forced Jim to choose which one he’d try to save as he tried to hypno-murder them

If Jim had chosen the couple a kid would be dead

If he’d done nothing ALL THREE would be dead

My Girlfriend: In what world is ANY OF THIS his fault?

Jervis gives Jim another address to go to and tells him “No police, or more people die”

Me: “Sorry I mean to say, No Police AND more people die”

My Girlfriend: “Well you’ve always been so honest and forthright so far

So I see no reason not to trust you”

Me: It’s not like he just murdered two people to make a twisted point or anything

Over with Leslie Thompkins, she and Mario are getting ready for their wedding, with Leslie playfully asking Mario if he’s getting nervous or thinking of backing out

He replies that she’d “Have to put a bullet in him”

My Girlfriend: “I sure hope that wasn’t clumsy foreshadowing!”

Me: “I can’t help but feel that maybe I was tempting fate with that line

But no

I’m sure it will be fine”

Mario says that his dad wants to throw them an engagement party but he’s said no

Me: Apparently when Carmine Falcone makes you an offer you CAN refuse

My Girlfriend: He’s crushed…he had a whole line of people he was going to have come to him on this, the day of his son’s wedding

Mario says that he knows Leslie wasn’t sure about coming back to Gotham….

Me: But why WOULDN’T she want to come back to such a Wholesome and Charming place

My Girlfriend: Not like it holds any bad memories for her or anything

And Mario says that if they accept Carmine’s offer he’ll want to “Put them on display for the whole city”

Me: people in Gotham apparently have very little to do to occupy their time

My Girlfriend: This show MIGHT be set before the internet came along

They can’t spend all their free time watching cat videos and pornography yet

Leslie says that she made a choice to move back to Gotham

Me: “A horrible choice really”

And says that she’s glad they are building a life here

My Girlfriend: God alone knows why but she is

Me: She’s very happy that they’re settling down in a crime ridden hellhole that elected a mass murderer as mayor

And so she agrees to the engagement party!

So while the planning for THAT gets underway, let’s cut to Edward Nygma, whose handing his assistant some letters to be sent off

And also what is clearly a bomb, which he tells his assistant to leave outside “Nicky the Nails” place, telling her to light it and then leave

Me: “That sounds perfectly legal”

My Girlfriend: “I’m sure I won’t be an accessory to anything if I do this”

Me: When she graduated from college and took on this secretary job, somehow she expected there to be less attempted homicide

Oswald comes to see Edward who gives him two schedules

“This covers your duties as mayor

And this as kingpin of the underworld”

Me: I’m starting to see what you mean about being able to picture the laughter track

My Girlfriend: It’s nice to know that Edward has made him a neat little folder detailing who he needs to murder and what places owe him protection money

Me: It’s called ORGANISED crime for a reason after all!

Oswald is impressed with how good Edward is at his job but Edward still thinks he has a lot to learn from him and Oswald gets all bashful

Me: Awwwwwwwww

My Girlfriend: It’s not just a supervillain comedy it’s a supervillain romantic comedy

Me: it’s weirdly adorable that Penguin is more shy about telling someone he likes them than he is about threatening Terrible Gangland Retribution

Edward admits that he still hasn’t found Butch, calling him a “One Handed Ape” and noting that somehow he’s disappeared without trace

My Girlfriend: I don’t see “One Handed Ape” catching on as a supervillain name

Me: You can come up with far cleverer insults than that Ed, we’re disappointed

Edward is saddened that he hasn’t found Butch and says that he thinks he’s failed Oswald, but Oswald insists that he’d be lost without him

Me: “Just look at this professionally put together Murder Schedule you made for me!”

My Girlfriend: Who else would be thoughtful enough to do a thing like that

Oswald tells him that he has something important to tell him…a dramatic pause follows as Edward asks what it is

Me: “I’m just a penguin creature

Standing in front of a homicidal riddle addict

Asking him to love me”

My Girlfriend: Oh my god Oswald TELL HIM

Me: DO NOT MISS YOUR CHANCE TO BE HAPPY

But no, instead Penguin says that he has “Forgotten” what he was going to say and tries to laugh it off

Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO

My Girlfriend: What would your Creepy Statue Mother say about this Oswald

Me: She’d probably say something that was hard to understand because they made her actress do that comical fake accent

But it would be a rebuke!

My Girlfriend: She raised you better than this

Well…no she didn’t

But she DID raise you to be HONEST about your FEELINGS

Me: TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM

Oswald changes the subject and Edward tells him that the first item on his agenda is “PS134

Your touring a school”

Me: “Please try not to threaten to kill anyone around the children”

“Great

I love children”

Me: I’m trying really hard not to hear that as creepy, but given who is saying it

My Girlfriend: It’s hard not to hear EVERYTHING he says as creepy most of the time

We cut over to where the GCPD have found the bodies of the newlywed couple and also are talking to that Smol Child, where Bullock runs over to tell Barnes that he’s “Not going to believe this” but that the boy says that Jim Gordon saved him!

My Girlfriend: He finds that VERY easy to believe actually

He’s looking at a murder suicide of a newlywed couple, abducted by a supervillain disguised as a limo driver

OF COURSE Jim Gordon was involved in this fuckery

Me: Barnes naturally assumes that Gordon is involved in EVERY incident like this by this point

My Girlfriend: WISE

Me: Also…did Gordon seriously just leave the HYPNOTISED CHILD standing by the side of the road

BESIDE THE MANGLED DEAD BODIES

My Girlfriend: Once again: Barnes has no trouble believing he’d do that

Barnes wants Bullock to get in touch with Jim but Bullock says he can’t reach him…and then notes that Barnes doesn’t have his cane!

Me: Did he legitimately ONLY JUST NOTICE THAT

My Girlfriend: “Something’s different about you

New glasses?

Did something with your hair?

Suddenly regained full mobility despite having suffered a serious injury?”

Me: Important reminder that this unobservant buffoon is meant to be a DETECTIVE

Barnes brushes the question aside and says to put out an APB on Gordon declaring that he wants him found

Me: And charged with WHAT?!

My Girlfriend: The heinous crime of rescuing a small child!

Me: YOU’LL ROT FOR THIS GORDON

But before that can happen, Bullock asks Barnes if he thinks “That Guy” looks weird to him and of course it’s…

My Girlfriend: (SCREAMS)

Me: WHY DO THEY KEEP SHOWING HIM

My Girlfriend: (Back behind the cushion) TELL ME WHEN HE’S GONE

They try to talk to him but he just keeps repeating “James Gordon I have a message for you” and Bullock leaps to the conclusion he’s been hypnotised, with Barnes correctly guessing this must be the work of Jervis Tetch!

Me: I love that THAT is the immediate conclusion they make

Not that he’s drunk or stoned

Or just odd

But no, that he’s been hypnotised by a serial killer with a Wonderland fixation

My Girlfriend: I don’t know what’s worse, that this is their first guess

Or that they’re RIGHT

We mercifully change scenes from the Unsettling Minion to where Gordon is making his way through the address Jervis sent him to

Where he finds a board covered in articles and photos

Me: “Perhaps this collage will provide an insight into Tetch’s madness”

My Girlfriend: How long did it take him to cut out all those newspaper articles

Me: The inhuman fiend has even perverted the wholesome activity of scrapbooking

A phone in the building rings and Gordon answers it, sarcastically noting to Jervis on the other end of the phone that he “Likes what he’s done with the place”

Me: “it’s going to be on the front cover of this months Better Home and Serial Killer Lairs for certain!”

“Everyone needs a hobby”

My Girlfriend: Has he considered taking up knitting?

Me: Maybe just doing a nice jigsaw puzzle now and then?

I enjoy that

My Girlfriend: Any hobby that doesn’t involve trying to murder children would be an improvement really

Jervis tells Gordon to look through a telescope so that they can “Talk face to face”

Me: Little does Gordon suspect that Jervis has put ink around it!

So he will get a black circle around his eye!

My Girlfriend: OH JERVIS YOU PRANKSTER

Gordon peeks through it and the now visible Jervis asks Gordon “What he has against married couples”

Me: He doesn’t have anything against them he just doesn’t want small children to be hit by trucks

My Girlfriend: Why is Jervis acting like it’s Deep and Meaningful that Gordon saved the kid?

Me: Pretty sure EVERYONE would have made that call, unless maybe the married couple were people they knew and loved personally

Jervis asks if it brought back bad memories

“Understandable really, given that the last time you saw a woman in a wedding dress…she had a shotgun pointed at your face”

Me: Is the Mad Hatter legitimately just going “LOL U TRIGGERED BRO” to James Gordon at this point?

My Girlfriend: Gordon can’t open his mail anymore unless there’s a bridal catalogue mixed in with the final notices and threatening letters from debt collection agencies

Gordon’s reply to all this?

To start replying to Jervis

And then hang up the phone!

Me: WELL THAT’S JUST IMMATURE

My Girlfriend: Oh my god Jervis looks so pissed

Me: Legitmately looks like he just got prank called by a kid

Jervis calls back telling Gordon to never hang up on him

Quoth Gordon?

“Okay”

(HANGS UP AGAIN)

My Girlfriend: He can do this all day Jervis

Me: He’s actually quite enjoying it!

Gordon says that he knows Jervis is doing all this because in his “Addled brain” he blames Gordon for his sisters death…Jervis gets pissy about this

My Girlfriend: “IT’S TRUE BUT YOU STILL SHOULDN’T SAY IT”

Me: Jervis can’t think of a clever comeback for that one because Gordon pretty much guessed his motivation exactly

My Girlfriend: He’s angry that it took someone as stupid as Jim Gordon less than a minute to work out his entire Villainous Plan

Gordon tells Jervis that his sister hated him and died trying to get away from him and that if he wants revenge he should go kill himself

Me: Twice in one scene I’ve agreed with Jim Gordon WHAT IS HAPPENING

My Girlfriend: It’s like he temporarily became less of a Terrible Character

Me: Though that said I’m not sure telling the homicidal mind controlling supervillain that his sister wished he was dead is the most diplomatic approach to defusing this situation

Gordon tries some more Tough Guy Dialogue on Jervis but this time Jervis replies by saying that if Gordon hangs up the phone “She” dies….

Me: OH NO

My Girlfriend: Please tell me we’re not doing this…

Me: THE SHOW IS DOING THIS

Yep, Jervis goes on to say that given that all Jim’s relationships ended in disaster so he’s surprised he decided to date again…

My Girlfriend: What is he, his life coach now

Me: I love that even the Evil Incestuous Hypnotist still thinks that Jim Gordon is the worst person he’s ever met

My Girlfriend: Jervis can’t understand why women date this train wreck of a man any more than we can

We see a struggling Valerie Vale being taken to Jervis’s Creepy Van as he informs Jim that reporters will “Meet you anywhere if you tell them you’ve got a story”

My Girlfriend: I’m pretty sure most reporters WON’T do that actually

Me: Or would at least take some basic precautions to safeguard their wellbeing

And Jim Gordon…hangs up the phone and rushes down

Me: Well Valerie’s dead

My Girlfriend: Jervis literally JUST told him that if hung up the phone again he’d kill her

So what does Jim do?

HE HANGS UP THE PHONE

Me: It’s like he never listens to a damn word anyone says

As the van speeds off we change scenes to where Tabitha and Barbara are hanging out with Tabitha telling Barbara that she’s hiding Butch in a safehouse uptown

Me: Sure is a good thing Butch doesn’t have any distinctive features like a Robot Hand or anything

My Girlfriend: And that he wasn’t broken out by someone whose very easy to spot and follow, like a leather clad motorcycle riding supervillain dominatrix

“You wouldn’t believe the amount of steak that man eats”

“Poor Butchie…nothing but Tabitha and red meat all day”

Me: I don’t like how she said that

My Girlfriend: The absolute LAST thing that I want to picture is Butch Gilzean having sex

Barbara keeps at it though, asking if the “Flame” between him and Tabitha has rekindled

Me: Okay…why is she acting like she and Tabitha AREN’T a couple?

Why is she pushing her towards some disgusting excuse for a relationship with some worthless, nauseating male?

My Girlfriend: Because women can’t just DATE EACH OTHER Samantha

Everyone knows THAT!

Clearly Tabitha and Barbara are only being Gal Pals until a man comes along for Tabitha to devote her entire life towards

Me: Seriously, it’s like Pavlovs Dog with the bell

A single male character shows up and she comes running

“Speaking of old flames…”

Me: OH GOD

My Girlfriend: IT JUST GETS WORSE

Yep, Jim Gordon storms in asking where Tetch is

Barbara asks how on earth she would know that

Me: “Because any time ANYTHING happens in this season you always know about it”

My Girlfriend: “Seriously this is like the fourth time I’ve stormed in here for answers and you’ve provided exposition”

Me: “This time please answer my questions without talking about giant baby carriages or disfiguring injuries”

Gordon proceeds to grab a bottle and smash it which Barbara notes was “Unnecessary”

Me: I legitimately love how few fucks Barbara has to give about anything

My Girlfriend: “Someone is going to have to sweep that up Gordon”

Jim growls about how Valerie Vale was kidnapped earlier….

My Girlfriend: “And instead of contacting the police or chasing after them myself I decided to come growl at two club owners”

Me: GREAT PLAN JIM

Good work

Valerie’s dead in a river somewhere right now but you got to threaten your ex

Gordon, who has clearly been sand-papering his throat all day, continues to growl angrily at Barbara, saying that Tetch knew things only she could have told him

Me: Or he could have just, you know, looked it up in the newspaper

My Girlfriend: A police detective being kidnapped by gun wielding Bondage Gimps and held hostage in a church by his homicidal ex IS considered pretty newsworthy Jim

Barbara however just notes that she likes the “Fire” Jim shows, asking where that was when the two of them were together

“All I got was Captain Vanilla!”

Me: Apparently being threatened by an alcoholic bounty hunter because she helped a criminal abduct his girlfriend is Barbara very specific fetish

My Girlfriend: I’M KINKSHAMING HER

Me: IT IS A PROBLEMATIC TURN ON

Jim proceeds to pull his gun and shoot another bottle

My Girlfriend: NOT THE BOOZE

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD NOT THE BOOZE

Me: BARBARA NEEDS THAT TO GET THROUGH THIS EPISODE

Tabitha points a gun at Gordon but Barbara just calmly gets her to lower it, noting with annoyance that the club has to open soon

Me: “And we had enough bad publicity from the mayor trying to kill a man with a champagne bottle last night”

My Girlfriend: Just once

JUST ONCE

She’d like to have a normal day of business

Where no one threatens to murder anybody

Or points a gun in anyone’s face

Me: IT’S GOOD TO HAVE A DREAM

Barbara again tells Gordon that she doesn’t know where Tecth is but admits that he DID come to the club earlier, wanting to know all about Jim Gordon’s life

My Girlfriend: I guess he wasn’t depressed enough already

Me: That or he wanted to feel better about his own wretched existence

My Girlfriend: “I might be a serial killer who accidentally killed his own sister

But at least I’m not James Gordon”

Barbara says that Tetch already knew about Valerie Vale but that she also told Tetch all about her and Gordon and how Jim is “Still in love with her” and “Cries himself to sleep every night”

Me: I don’t think Tetch believed that any more than we do

My Girlfriend: Gordon cries himself to sleep every night for LOTS of reasons but none of them are to do with Barbara

Me: Also: WHY does everyone on this show who wants to know anything go to her?

It’s like she’s an NPC in a video game

My Girlfriend: Barbara Kean has Exposition if you have Coin

Gordon wants to know if she told Tetch about Leslie and yep, sure enough of course she did

Me: Gordon is SHOCKED she would do such a thing

He’s not sure WHY but he is

My Girlfriend: How, apart from her pattern of past behaviour, could he have ever guessed that Barbara would put Leslie’s life in danger

Gordon storms off with Barbara noting that they’ll send him a bill for the damage

Me: “If your still alive I mean”

And he tries to call Leslie…only for Jervis to answer the phone, saying that Leslie can’t talk right now

My Girlfriend: Tetch has been REALLY busy this morning

Me: If only it had occurred to Jim to maybe WARN Leslie first

Instead of rushing to his Evil Ex Girlfriends Club

My Girlfriend: If your still expecting Jim Gordon to put any thought into what he does then I have to wonder if you’ve been paying attention

Jervis tells Gordon to meet him at Gotham Water and Power but Gordon wants proof that Leslie is alive…which Jervis refuses to give, telling him he has nine minutes before hanging up

Gordon…Makes a Face

Me: Yes Jim, he just told you you only have nine minutes to save them

So stand there posing dramatically for a bit

My Girlfriend: “Sorry I’m late

I had to stare at the camera for a bit”

As he runs off to try and do something useful, we change scenes to Jervis’s Creepy Van where he tells Leslie and Valerie that Jim “Sends his regards”

Me: At no point did he send his regards

My Girlfriend: Not only is Jervis a murderer he’s a liar as well!

He also “Introduces” the two of them to each other as they just make a ._. face

My Girlfriend: This is the second worst blind date either of them has ever been on

Me: “Introductions are in order, Kidnap Victim Number One this is Kidnap Victim Number Two”

My Girlfriend: They’re going to be so surprised when all this turns out to just be the set up for a really weird gameshow

Jervis says that the two have something important in common, declaring that they’re both “One halve of Jim Gordon’s heart”

Me: Because that’s what makes women important, right?

That we matter to some man?

My Girlfriend: Never mind that Leslie is an accomplished pathologist and a kind hearted and compassionate person or that Valerie is a brave, spunky reporter who works hard at her job

No what matters is that Jim Gordon wants to put his penis in them

Me: NOTHING ELSE IS IMPORTANT

So over at the GCPD

My Girlfriend: AGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Me: WHY IS HE BACK

Yes Unsettling Minion is back!

Being questioned by Barnes without much luck

“James Gordon I have a message for you”

“WHERE IS JERVIS TETCH”

“James Gordon I have a message for you”

Me: “Alright, I need every officer we’ve got to James Gordon I have a Message For you Street!”

My Girlfriend: He’s really not getting this whole “Hypnotism” thing is he?

Me: Try throwing water on his face, that usually snaps hypnotised people out of it

My Girlfriend: And it might wash off that foundation he’s caked himself in

The lack of progress sends Barnes into a rage and he begins HULKING OUT using his Rage Strength to crush the metal chair in front of him

Me: IT’S CLOBBERIN’ TIME

My Girlfriend: Barnes, Bullock, Jim Gordon and Leslie Thompkins are

The Collectively Somewhat Adequate Four

However before Barnes can lose it fully, Bullock comes in to reveal that someone has spotted Gordon!

Me: So wait

They spotted Gordon, an average, generic looking guy in regular clothes

But they DIDN’T spot the waistcoat and tophat clad wild, curly haired hypnotist dragging two abducted women into the building?

My Girlfriend: Well Barnes only put out an APB on GORDON

So they just assumed anything else they saw they could go ahead and ignore

Barnes and Bullock head to the scene and as they rush off we see that Barnes has pretty much crushed the chair he was squeezing

My Girlfriend: You know the departments going to have to PAY for that Barnes

Me: You don’t have an unlimited chair budget

We cut over to Gotham Water and Power where Gordon is making his way through the Old Spooky Building

Me: I wonder if Gotham has ever considered maybe knocking down some of these Creepy Old Buildings

My Girlfriend: It might do wonders for the cities crime statistics if supervillains had less potential lairs to choose from

Me: I just feel like filling the city with Old Derelict Warehouses, Creepy Funfairs and Ominous Looking Abandoned Buildings is asking for trouble at this point

Gordon comes across a whole stack of TV’s all of which turn on showing the Mad Hatter’s face!

Me: OH GOOD!

He’s just in time for the Weird Evil Hypnotist Show!

My Girlfriend: He tries to never miss an episode

Me: He’s got a boxset of the whole first season!

Gordon asks where Leslie and Valerie are but the Hatter says that he clearly has “No sense of stagecraft”

Me: “WHERE IS YOUR SPIRIT OF SHOWMANSHIP”

My Girlfriend: You would be a TERRIBLE entertainer, Jim

“We must build to the climax

This is merely the second act!”

My Girlfriend: I feel like we are dangerously close to breaking the fourth wall here

Me: Leslie can’t put her finger on it but something about the way Jervis keeps talking as if he was aware that he’s a fictional character seems very familiar to her

My Girlfriend: It actually reminds her of an old boyfriend of hers

Jervis reveals he has two hostages strapped up to makeshift electric chairs, one is one of Gotham’s best pedeatricians, the other is an anchor for channel 5

Me: No really WHEN DID HE KIDNAP ALL THESE PEOPLE

My Girlfriend: Has he just been zooming around Gotham in his Abduction Mobile all morning, snatching random people for his convoluted nonsense

Me: Given what this show is like…

“A doctor and a journalist”

“I get it”

Me: “Thanks for making it even less subtle”

My Girlfriend: Gotham doesn’t have a lot of faith in its viewers ability to get even the most ham fisted of plot points

Jervis says that unless Gordon kills one of them, both will be electrocuted

Me: “Sorry for how unoriginal this Evil Plan is I’ve had a very busy and tiring morning

My Girlfriend: he’s been running around kidnapping people all day

He didn’t have time to come up with something more inspired

“Sorry Jervis…I’m not killing anyone”

Me: “I’m as disappointed in myself as you are”

My Girlfriend: “I don’t understand what’s wrong with me…normally I LOVE solving my problems with murder”

Me: Gordon is baffled as to why he can’t just kill one of these people

The Hatter gets pissed that Jim won’t kill them but Gordon is having none of it!

“You wanna show me who I am then show me!”

“OHHHHHH I WILL”

Me: “OH YOU’LL FIND OUT

I’M ABOUT TO SUMMON IT”

My Girlfriend: Gordon you fool

You just activated his trap card

Bullock and co run in at that exact moment with Barnes wanting to know what the hell is happening

Me: WHAT CONVENIENT TIMING

My Girlfriend: The last thing Gordon wants…more witnesses

Barnes reacts with shock and/or dismay to this latest fuckery and Jervis declares he’s “Just in time to watch Gordon kill these two innocent men”

My Girlfriend: “Been there, done that”

Me: Barnes isn’t even going to bother pretending to be shocked

He went looking for Gordon, he finds two people wired up to the power grid and a bunch of Evil Televisions

My Girlfriend: This is actually NOT as awful as he prepared himself for it to be

Gordon tells the other cops to find a way to shut the power off but it’s for naught…Jervis says that his refusal to choose has “Consequences” and proceeds to fry both men

My Girlfriend: “But I’m a cop in America

Nothing I do is supposed to have consequences!”

Me: Again I really feel like Jervis can’t pin this on Gordon

Jim is an asshole but he’s not the guy who kidnapped a reporter and one of the cast of Scrubs and decided to Kentucky fry them

My Girlfriend: That’s on you, Jervis

And the Hatter leaves Gordon with a last message that if he wants to find him he just needs to “Ask an old friend how to get to the end”

Me: It’s going to be Barbara isn’t it

My Girlfriend: Or Penguin

Me: They are like Living Plot Devices on this show, any time something needs to happen, Gordon just has to pay one or both of them a visit

But speaking of the Penguin, what’s he up to?

Well it turns out he and Edward are touring that school mentioned earlier with Oswald not enjoying the experience

Me: All these wholesome tiny minds with bright eyes and hope for tomorrow and an optimistic and wonder-filled way of looking at the world

It makes him sick

My Girlfriend: No one’s so much as shot anyone in the face in front of him in nearly an hour

Me: “Where are all the violent youths selling crack cocaine and drive by shooting each other

Has Fox News been lying to me”

“Mayor James used to read to the children!”

“Aubrey James is illiterate, ma’am”

Me: There’s no need to be a JERK about it

My Girlfriend: You’d think someone who has experienced the cruelties of America’s failing mental health system would be a bit less quick to act like an ableist dickbag

Edward suggests they move on but Oswald has spotted something…and asks the teacher why a boy whose sitting away from the other kids is by himself

Me: “He looks so isolated and weird….

Good lad

That’s how I grew up and I turned out great

Right Ed?”

My Girlfriend: “MMMMMMMM”

Me: “That means yes”

The teacher explains that Lonely Kid is new at the school….

My Girlfriend: So naturally they’ve sat him away from the others so he can’t meet any of them or make friends

Me: “New you say?

So there’s no one who’d miss him if, as a for instance, a cities mayor murdered him with an umbrella?”

But no in a surprising twist Oswald’s reaction to something ISN’T murder!

Instead he quite politely goes over to the boy and asks him why he’s by himself

My Girlfriend: He’s desperately trying to avoid having to speak to you

Me: No offence Oswald but you are TERRIFYING to be around

You have two expressions and one is just a creepier version of the first one

The boy says he worries the other kids won’t like him but Oswald tells him he’ll never know unless he tries to make friends

Me: Awwwwww….

Who would have thought that Penguin could give us such a wholesome scene?

And then he tells the kid that if they won’t be his friend he can just push them down the stairs

My Girlfriend: And just like that it’s ruined

Me: I should have known it would not last

So the creepy kid runs off…

Me: Oswald Cobblepott, proudly inspiring America’s next generation of young serial killers

My Girlfriend: On the bright side, that kid’s totally going to get a documentary made about him after What He Does

How many kids can say that?

Me: ….

Way to…look at the glass being half full I guess, babe

Edward says that he “Continues to be in awe” of Oswald

Me: “And not in a good way”

My Girlfriend: “Well done old friend, you’ve warped the mind of a child, thus accomplishing your daily act of evil”

Penguin also chooses this time to say that he needs to talk to Edward in private about something, suggesting they have dinner at the mansion

Me: “I’d like to discuss this in a more intimate setting

And one that’s away from that kid I just spoke to because Jesus, I’ve seen Bowling for Columbine and this won’t end well”

My Girlfriend: Penguin would like to proclaim his feelings to Edward somewhere that isn’t about to become yet another depressing statistic

Edward accepts and even says he’ll bring a nice bottle of wine!

Me: Try not to pick one of the ones you’ve put rat poison in, Edward

My Girlfriend: It’s so hard to keep track of them all!

SO MANY cheese and wine evenings at Edward’s house have ended in tragedy

Back with the tireless lawmen of Gotham (No I’m kidding, it’s Gordon and Bullock) Gordon is explaining to Barnes about Leslie and Valerie Vale being kidnapped and Barnes tells Bullock to call the M.E’s office and Leslie’s fiancée to find her

Me: Um, Barnes, I don’t think they’re going to know where Tecth is hiding her

My Girlfriend: “Go call her fiancée

See if the Hatter mentioned where he was taking Leslie while he was in the midst of abducting her”

Barnes wants to know what’s going on and Gordon explains about how Tecth plays him for his sisters death

Me: “This plot isn’t that hard to figure out, Captain”

My Girlfriend: “It’s a pretty cookie cutter narrative honestly, I think this shows even done this basic plot before”

Barnes says that Jervis’s plan of killing random people doesn’t make any sense…

My Girlfriend: It’s almost like Jervis Tetch wasn’t thinking rationally

Me: Nooooooooo

SURELY NOT

The character from the books is called the Totally Sane Hatter, right?

Gordon explains that Tetch is trying to “Drive him insane”

My Girlfriend: Barnes isn’t even going to touch that one

Me: He has a snappy reply all ready to go but now isn’t the time

Gordon laments how he just stood there and watched while two people died but Barnes tells him he did what he could and that it’s Tetch whose responsible for what happened

Me: YES

YES IT IS

LISTEN TO BARNES

My Girlfriend: We’ve been telling Gordon to do THAT since season two

Me: He is literally the ONLY PERSON in Gordon’s life who always speaks sense to him

Why does he constantly ignore him

But Gordon ignores Barnes advice and starts rambling about how Tetch is going to make him choose between Leslie and Valerie

Me: Well, Gordon’s told us how the episode ends, might as well turn it off

My Girlfriend: To be fair it wasn’t exactly difficult to guess this is where things were going

“He’s going to put me in front of Lee and Vale

And he’s going to make me choose”

Me: My guess is he’ll choose to save the woman whose first name he can actually remember

My Girlfriend: Seriously, who calls the woman their supposed to be in love with by their last name like that?

I don’t go around introducing you as “My girlfriend, Roberts”

“And if not…”

“He’ll kill both of them”

Me: Maybe go with something more comforting than that

My Girlfriend: I feel like Gordon could do with some False Hope right now

We check in with Leslie and Valerie, who are being chained up by one of Tecth’s minions, while Leslie tries to reason with them

My Girlfriend: Uselessly attempting to reason with a cold blooded murderer

Makes her nostalgic for when she was dating Jim, I’m sure

Me: Surprisingly the Wonderland themed henchmen of the serial Hypno-Murderer are not amenable to well crafted arguments

Tetch’s goons go off to raid the kitchen and it turns out that Valerie and Leslie are actually in Leslie’s house, with Valerie asking why she thinks they brought them back here, which Leslie admits she has no idea

Me: “Because the Kool Aid Man is red?

WE ARE NOT DEALING WITH LOGICAL THINKERS”

Valerie asks if Leslie knows what this is about and she says she does, that this is all about Tetch wanting revenge on Gordon, noting that she’s been here before

Me: “This show doesn’t know how to treat female characters as anything other than props in a mans story

Get used to this kind of thing”

My Girlfriend: If your going to be dating Jim Gordon, this will probably happen to you about once a season, Valerie

Me: AT LEAST

Leslie tries to find something to either pick the locks on their restraints or saw through them

My Girlfriend: This WOULD be the day she left her toolbox full of hacksaws and lockpicks in the OTHER dining room

Me: She’s kicking herself right now

Valerie notes that this situation is actually “Ironic”

Me: Isn’t it ironic?

Don’t you think?

My Girlfriend: A little TOO ironic

Yeah I really do think

Because, she says, she actually wanted a “Sit down” with Leslie and now here they are, together

Me: Okay that actually IS quite ironic

My Girlfriend: Unlike rain on your wedding day, which is just bad luck

Me: Or a free ride when you’ve already paid, which is just a nonsensical business practice

Valerie says she was going to ask Leslie about Alice Tetch’s blood and Leslie makes A Face

“Your not SERIOUSLY trying to interview me right now?”

Me: “Could you maybe wait until we’re not CHAINED TO MY DINING ROOM FURNITURE before you start badgering me with questions”

My Girlfriend: On top of everything else, maybe DON’T bring up Alice Tetch when her Creepy Homicidal Brother is probably within hearing distance

Me: Now is not the time to start talking about his dead sisters blood

Valerie brings up how Jim said Leslie wouldn’t talk to her about it and Leslie says that she won’t

Me: Jim Gordon was right about something?

My Girlfriend: We are living in the End Times

Valerie suggests that Jim is just “Protective” of Leslie

My Girlfriend: That’s clearly working out great

Me: Your both literally chained to the floor by a serial killer

If this is Jim Gordon “Protecting” you I’d hate to imagine what will happen if he stops caring

But Valerie persists, saying that she hears that they are running tests on Alice Tetch’s blood at a “GCPD Bio-Facility”

Me: Ever since the GCPD hired Julian Slink, the stuff they do has just gotten plain WEIRD

My Girlfriend: Heart Enterprises has gone mostly unnoticed in Gotham because the stuff they do isn’t any more horrifying than a normal day in this city

Leslie is still having none of it so Valerie instead suggests she tries a “Cuticle pusher” to pick the locks, adding that her dad was a cop who taught her this stuff

My Girlfriend: As we all know, having a Helpful Male Relative is the only way for a woman to pick up any skill

Me: IT’S A RULE

Valerie tries to question Leslie AGAIN and:

“you and Jim are made for each other”

“Thanks”

“it’s not a compliment”

Me: It’s like the show is riffing itself at this point

My Girlfriend: Gotham, stop pointing out what a terrible person Gordon is

Me: THAT’S OUR JOB

We cut to the GCPD where Barnes says that Mario hasn’t heard from Leslie since they both left for work that morning

Me: Not going to lie, if I lived in Gotham I’d want at the very least hourly updates from all my loved ones

My Girlfriend: If I didn’t hear from you in over seventy minutes I’d just assume you’d been frozen or eaten by a crocodile man

And go avenge you

Me: “Not back, avenge my death” is the default way people sign off their voice mail messages in this city

Barnes wonders what Tecth’s next move will be

“He wants me to find him”

“Then why not tell you where he is?”

Me: BECAUSE HE WANTS HIM TO FIND HIM

My Girlfriend: What part of that statement was hard to follow

Barnes declares that he’s not going to just wait around for an “Invitation” from Tetch

Me: But it would be rude to show up without one!

My Girlfriend: Don’t commit a social faux pas here Barnes

But he does not heed us because he is fictional and instead he declares to the officers that Tetch is treating Gotham like his “Personal playground”

My Girlfriend: The hell kind of playgrounds did you go to

Me: Jervis Tetch’s Wild Wacky Hypnotic Homicide Adventure Land was closed down for very good reasons

Barnes tells them how he’s taken Leslie Thompkins and Valerie Vale

Me: “Wait, whose that second one?”

My Girlfriend: “She’s dating the protagonist, so we all need to act like this is a big deal to us personally”

And so Barnes says that whoever brings Tetch in will not only have his gratitude but “His best bottle of brown”

Me: And just like that, Harvey Bullock is out the door like the road runner and on the case

My Girlfriend: He is going to hunt Jervis Tetch to the ends of the earth if he has to

Me: NOTHING IS GOING TO KEEP HIM FROM GETTING THAT LIQUOR

Gordon however notices….

My Girlfriend: GOD DAMN IT AGAIN

Me: This will PROBABLY be the last time

My Girlfriend: If it’s not I’m not watching another minute of this

Yes our old Unsettling Pale Friend is back and the subtitles inform us that….

Me: Wait hold on…he’s meant to be the White Rabbit?

My Girlfriend: What the HELL version of the book was Jervis reading

Me: It’s “White Rabbit” Jervis not “Creepy Lynchian Monstrosity caked in Bad White Clown Make Up”

My Girlfriend: He didn’t even put rabbit ears on him

Me: You know in the comics, the White Rabbit is a hot bunny girl in white lingerie

My Girlfriend: There, you see?

Why couldn’t Gotham have stuck to the comics

JUST THIS ONCE

Somehow Gordon hears the Unsettling Not Rabbit repeating the “James Gordon I have a message for you” thing and goes up to it

Me: The hell did he hear that?

My Girlfriend: He was like thirty feet away and the place is swarming with loud cops

There is NO WAY he should have heard that

“James Gordon!”

Me: “I HAVE A MESSAGE FOR YOU”

“How do I get to the end?”

My Girlfriend: Gordon wants this episode to be over SO BADLY

Me: For once, we can relate to him

The Weird Rabbit asks for a pen and paper and he scribbles out…a poem

That ends with the direction to go to Leslie’s house

My Girlfriend: I really feel like he could have just TOLD him that

Me: The poem felt a little bit unnecessary yes

My Girlfriend: Not to mention very badly composed

Me: If Tetch is going to make A Thing of doing these rhymes he should make hire a proof reader or something

So Gordon…goes charging off!

My Girlfriend: Of course

Just go rushing off by yourself with no back up whatsoever

Me: Not like your in a building full of ARMED COPS trained how to handle this thing

My Girlfriend: No it’s much wiser to risk two peoples lives entirely on his own dubious skills

Without even TELLING anyone what he’s doing

As he tries to leave, Mario Falcone arrives!

And immediately notices that something is up

Me: “What is going on with this shady motherfucker”

My Girlfriend: Jim is doing a REALLY bad job at looking inconspicuous here

Good thing everyone else is so unobservant

Jim tells Mario he has to trust him which Mario reacts to incredulously

Me: I’d react the same way honestly

My Girlfriend: This is the correct reacton to have to the idea of trusting Jim Gordon with ANYTHING

For any reason

“You know where she is don’t you?”

“HSSSSSSSS”

My Girlfriend: …..

No sorry rewind that

“You know where she is, don’t you?”

“HSSSSSSSSSSSSS”

My Girlfriend: DID HE JUST

HISS AT HIM?

Me: I can’t figure out what else that noise was supposed to be

Gordon legitimately just HISSED at Mario like a snake

Or a Disney villain

My Girlfriend: OR VOLDEMORT

Mario ignores the fact that Jim might be a Snerson and instead asks if Barnes knows and Jim says that if Barnes and the GCPD got involved then Leslie and Valerie would be dead

Me: Not like if you just handle this by yourself!

Which has been working out SO GREAT for you all episode

My Girlfriend: How’s that newlywed couple you just let hit the pavement like sacks of wet sand, Jim?

Me: Or the doctor and the journalist who barbecued

My Girlfriend: But no, it’s Barnes and the GCPD who would make a mess of things

Me: Not tireless crusader for justice Jim Gordon!

Mario asks if Jim plans to go alone but Gordon says that maybe Mario can help him and the two head off together

My Girlfriend: Well he’s dead

Me: “I need a human shield I MEAN SIDEKICK”

So how are Leslie and Valerie doing?

Well Leslie is trying to pick the lock as Valerie just kind of stares at her

“Can I ask you something?”

Me: “Do you ever feel like you only go with guys because people say your supposed to?”

My Girlfriend: “Have you ever…spent time in a women’s prison, Leslie?”

“As long as it’s not about Alice Tetch’s blood”

There is silence from Valerie

My Girlfriend: “God damn it it was going to be about her fuckin blood again wasn’t it”

Me: “If you don’t stop asking me questions about her Poison Blood I’m going to stop picking this lock

And NEITHER of us is getting free”

Valerie asks why Leslie would ever come back to Gotham….

Me: “Because I didn’t make enough money from doing Deadpool to turn this gig down”

My Girlfriend: I think she meant the CITY, not the show kitten

Me: Right, I knew that

Leslie tells Valerie that it’s none of her business but Valerie persists, pointing out she could have chosen any city

Me: “But only one city has got the shows protagonist in”

My Girlfriend: “I can’t move to Fawcett City or Metropolis, because then I won’t get any screentime on this show”

Me: “I have to go where the plot is”

Leslie tells Valerie that she didn’t come back to Gotham just for James Gordon, if that’s what she’s trying to get at

Me: How I WISH I believed that were true

My Girlfriend: Bitter experience with this show tells us it probably won’t be

Me: Every female characters life on this show must somehow lead back to Jim Gordon and his Magic Penis that robs them of their ability to make good decisions

Leslie gets free and says that the next step is luring one of the goons into the room, clubbing them over the head and escaping

Me: “Let’s do “Get Help””

My Girlfriend: “We’re not doing “Get Help” it’s humiliating”

Me: “We’re doing it”

But no, they can’t do “Get Help” because the cuticle pusher breaks and so Valerie can’t pick the lock

Me: How is the woman who apparently learned how to do this firsthand WORSE at this than the person she just explained it to?

My Girlfriend: She said her dad tried to teach her how to pick locks

She never said she was actually any good at it

Valerie suggests that Leslie can still escape but Leslie insists that she won’t just leave her

My Girlfriend: “Wow

You are a truly good and noble person

I can see why you and Jim didn’t work out”

Me: “You were clearly ill suited to each other”

Leslie suggests they find something else but then, OFF SCREEN JERVIS VOICE!

And the soundtrack…DOES A THING

My Girlfriend: Okay

Was that the fuckin Metal Gear Solid noise

Me: IT LEGITIMATELY WAS OH MY GOD

My Girlfriend: Quick, hide in a cardboard box!

Jervis asks them “if they’d kindly join me in the dining room…the guest of honour should be here shortly”

Me: “Would you kindly….”

My Girlfriend: Once again the show seems to be morphing into a video game

Me: With very bad cut scenes

Outside, Gordon is approaching the house, gun drawn

My Girlfriend: Oh sure, just stroll up with your gun out like your about to do a home invasion

Me: To be fair in this city no one will bat an eyelid at this

My Girlfriend: “Oh look, Gordon’s going into someone’s home with a firearm in his hand

Must be a Wednesday”

Gordon enters to the sound of Operatic Music playing on an old gramophone

Me: “Time Life Presents: The Sounds of Evil”

My Girlfriend: “Over one hundred operatic or unsettling tunes to play while executing your villainous schemes, in an effort to establish a dramatic mood”

Me: “Including such fan favourite tracks as “German women wailing in high pitched voices as someone gets killed in a shocking plot twist””

My Girlfriend: “And “Deep Voiced Italian Singing Somewhat Menacingly as you Enter the Villains Lair””

Me: “And many more”

Jervis invites Gordon to have a seat at the table with himself, Leslie and Valerie

Me: “I see you neglected to bring any wine or nibbles

I told my creepy pale henchmen to be VERY SPECIFIC about that”

My Girlfriend: “I also told him to tell you to wear a tie, I see that got lost in translation as well”

“Have a seat”

“I think I’ll stand”

“You’ll do as I say!”

My Girlfriend: “This is an elegant soiree you BOORISH OAF

And I won’t have your bad manners spoiling it”

Me: The host asked you to be seated Gordon, stop being so rude!

Jervis tells Gordon to “Place your gun on the platter” and no word of a lie, one of his henchmen comes over with a tray with a little placecard with “Gordons Gun” written on it

Me: SO THOUGHTFUL of Jervis to set out a place card for the firearm!

My Girlfriend: Just in case it had trouble following these seating arrangements

Me: Clearly this is not his FIRST time holding a dinner party hostage!

Jervis goads Jim to hurry up and do it saying that not everyone has to die today….

Me: “I’m only going to kill MOST of you

Probably”

My Girlfriend: “There’s a good chance that some of you might not be killed by me…today”

As Gordon tries to reassure Leslie and Valerie that he’s going to save them, Jervis tells him not to lie to them

My Girlfriend: He’s aware of Jim’s track record in that department

Me: “That’s great James really

Just like you said you were going to save those people I fried earlier

Or like that time you swore you’d catch the guy who killed Bruce Wayne’s parents”

Tetch gets Leslie to pass a cup of tea down to Jim…

Me: I would NOT drink anything that this man gave me

My Girlfriend: What are you suggesting, that this fine upstanding citizen might have tampered with it in some way?

Jervis also apologises for the china, saying that he’d have thought that Don Falcone’s son would have better taste

Me: Mob bosses are known for the exquisite china they usually posess

My Girlfriend: This though is so appalling that he’s got a good mind to call off this whole abduction

Me: Or at least put it on hold while he sends one of his henchmen out to get a better china set

Jervis proposes a toast to good health which Valerie and Leslie deign not to join in on

Me: “We’d prefer to toast with something we’re sure hasn’t been poisoned”

My Girlfriend: And to something that’s less ominous in context

However Jim does drink down some of the Probably Poisoned Tea because why not, which makes Jervis happy at least

Me: “The amount I drink, it’s not going to be whatever’s in this tea that kills me”

My Girlfriend: “After all the shit I’ve put in my body, you could put horse tranquilizers in this and I wouldn’t notice”

Toast down with, Jervis says he would like to tell them all a story about “A brother and sister”

Me: PLEASE DON’T

My Girlfriend: WE DO NOT WANT TO HEAR THIS STORY JERVIS

“Though separated, their love for each other never waned”

My Girlfriend: WE REALLY DON’T WANT TO HEAR THIS STORY

Me: It’s time for the Mad Hatter’s Incest Fairytale Theatre

Unfairly taken off of Public Access Television

My Girlfriend: “IT WAS CANCELLED BEFORE ITS TIME”

While Hatter begins his tale, we briefly cut to where Mario is sneaking into the basement and retrieving…a gun!

Me: If Jim’s plan was to have people sneak into the house and overpower Tetch and his thugs

Wouldn’t it have made more sense to get…more than one person in on this plan?

My Girlfriend: If only he’d been inside a building full of people with training in how to handle a hostage situation when he found out where Leslie was

Me: IF ONLY

Jervis is rambling his way through his tale upstairs, saying that after Jim found his sister he “Poisoned her mind against him”

Me: Because they had SUCH a healthy relationship before Jim came along

My Girlfriend: “We were the PICTURE OF NORMALACY until you had to ruin everything”

Me: Jim and his Big City Ways somehow put the idea that being hypnotised by your creepy fixated brother was WEIRD or UNNATURAL into her head

Jervis also accuses Jim of killing Alice which he sarcastically says “Sounds about right”

My Girlfriend: Great idea Jim, antagonise him

Me: He’s got two shotguns pointed at the heads of BOTH the women you love

Pissing him off is a genius plan

Jervis however accuses Jim of lying….

Me: Wait so he DOESN’T think that Jim killed Alice now?

My Girlfriend: This WHOLE FRICKING EPISODE has been based around the idea that the Hatter holds Jim responsible

And when Jim says “Yeah I did it”…he calls him a liar

Me: WHAT WAS THE POINT OF ANY OF THIS THEN

Jervis accuses Jim of hiding from who he really is…..

Me: OH GOOD

Another villain who knows who Jim Really Is On the Inside

My Girlfriend: Because that didn’t get at all old all the way back in season one

Me: It’s been almost a whole three episodes since we last got to see a villain talk about Jim’s Hidden Dark Side and that he is a Monster on the Inside

My Girlfriend: Why do they act like this is NEWS?

He’s a monster on the outside as well

But Jervis reveals that he’s got something Very Villainous in mind for Jim now…he’s going to kill the woman he loves…once he works out who that is

Me: What if Jim loves them both?

My Girlfriend: I don’t think Jim really cares about EITHER

Me: FAIR

If the Hatter really wants to destroy what Jim loves most he should just go to his house and take a hammer to his liquor cabinet

Elsewhere in the house, Mario Falcone is Dramatically Striding through the place with his gun as Action Hero Music plays

Me: Damn it Mario turn down that soundtrack!

My Girlfriend: They’re going to hear you coming!

Jervis starts going through the two options, talking about how Leslie is compassionate and smart and tried to “Save Gordon” from himself

My Girlfriend: “I know all this because I’ve been on the Gotham wiki reading plot synopsis for each episode of the previous season”

Me: In a shocking twist it turns out trying to “Save” unpleasant angry asshole men by dating them doesn’t work

WHO KNEW

Jervis asks what Leslie got for her troubles and…OH MY GOD…actually pantomimes rocking a baby

My Girlfriend: WELL THAT SETTLES IT

YOUR GOING TO HELL

Me: If he wasn’t before that REALLY clinched it

Just

WOW

My Girlfriend: Mocking a woman who had a miscarriage about her dead baby

CLASS ACT Jervis

Really, just…outstanding

“Look in her eyes…she still has love for you James”

Me: Look in her eyes!

Not around the eyes don’t look around the eyes look into her eyes!

My Girlfriend: That’s not “Love” Jervis that’s “Mortal fear that she might be about to be stuffed in a fridge

“And then there’s Valerie Vale…

The intrepid reporter from a blue collar family!”

My Girlfriend: “I apologise for how one note my description of her was but we really don’t have much to go on yet this season”

Me: “She’s only had like two appearances that didn’t revolve around wanting to date you”

Jervis says that Valerie “Still has hope” for James but questions how long it will last

My Girlfriend: I don’t understand how anyone on this show can have any hope left at all

Me: “Look in her eyes James…

She still has something most people on this show lost long ago

THE WILL TO LIVE”

So Jervis once again says that Jim has to choose who he will kill, asking which lady he loves

Me: That will really encourage him to give an honest answer

My Girlfriend: Jervis might just shoot the opposite of whoever Jim says

Me: OR he might have anticipated that Jim would anticipate that and will shoot who he says because that will be the truth

My Girlfriend: Or he may have anticipated that Jim would anticipate him anticipating that which would mean it would be the opposite of who Jim says again…

Me: OR….

Jim tells Jervis to get the twins to lower their guns, saying he doesn’t trust them not to “Shoot me by accident”

Me: “Well that seems like a totally reasonable request”

My Girlfriend: “I am sure you are not up to anything”

Then Jim tells Jervis to drop HIS gun!

Me: “I am less onboard with that request”

My Girlfriend: “That one is a bit of a step too far James”

Jervis asks why he would do that…and Mario pops out and says that if he doesn’t then he will shoot him

My Girlfriend: “YOU HAVE DECEIVED ME”

Me: He thought you were going to be a good sport and shoot one of these people in the face Jim

But no

You have perpetrated a deception

My Girlfriend: FOR SHAME

Unfortunately Jervis proceeds to tell Gordon his plan has a flaw…he went down to the basement and took the bullets out of that gun earlier

My Girlfriend: So Mario genuinely didn’t even CHECK TO SEE IF IT WAS LOADED

Me: You know how this could have been avoided?

If instead of just bringing an unarmed civilian along

Jim had asked for the help of a person or group of people

Who all have working firearms that are fully loaded

And are trained in how to use them to wound or kill criminals

My Girlfriend: Some kind of Force who Police the city perhaps

Jervis has his goons chain Mario up in the bathroom

My Girlfriend: Well at least he’s not going to hold a grudge or try to kill him

Me: Of course

He’s only got time for one bloodthirsty vendetta and that’s against Gordon right now

My Girlfriend: And he knows that Jim Gordon couldn’t care less if he kills someone he’s not romantically attached to

“Now!

I’m OUT of patience!”

Me: He’s the opposite of Mario

Who has a lot of patients

My Girlfriend: ……

Me: BABE

A LOT OF PATIENTS

He’s a doctor

My Girlfriend: I’m not dignifying that with a response kitten

Jervis demands Jim admit who he loves but Jim says that if they want to talk about love, they should talk about what REALLY happened with his sister

Me: He’s incoherent and waving a gun around

So now is a great time to make him even angrier!

My Girlfriend: Gordon will never understand why he didn’t get that job in hostage negotiation

Jim talks about how Alice “Knew you were crazy” bringing up “What Jervis did when you were kids”

Me: …..

I…REALLY don’t think we want to know anymore about that

My Girlfriend: I can live very happily NOT knowing whatever it was Jervis did to her, yes

Me: I think we will all sleep better not knowing

Jervis tries to insist that Alice loved him but Jervis keeps at it, telling him that Alice was disgusted by him

Me: Jim Gordon tries a bold new tactic

TELLING THE TRUTH

My Girlfriend: Jim I’d normally applaud you giving honesty a whirl

But maybe not when someone has a gun pointed at your face

Jim says how Alice killed herself rather than let Jervis anywhere near her, saying that she “Died in agony” after “Impaling herself on a metal spike” and she thought even that was better than letting Jervis touch her

Me: Did he have to be QUITE so graphic in his descriptions?

I don’t feel like it’s making it LESS likely that Tetch will try and kill someone

My Girlfriend: “And then she spent hours bleeding to death

But the amount of pain she was in it probably felt more like days”

Me: Jim Gordon must never be allowed to give a euology

My Girlfriend: “We’re here now to commemorate dear old Uncle Walter

Who slowly and painfully died an agonising and humiliating death”

As Jervis has a Minor Freak Out, Jim talks about how when he looked at Alice Tetch’s face she looked happy

Me: “She looked so overjoyed to have been impaled on a rusty metal spike”

My Girlfriend: “The look of joy on her face as she died pointlessly in a filthy warehouse was truly a sight to see”

Jervis puts his gun to Gordon’s head as Gordon goads him on

Me: “YES

PUT HIM OUT OF OUR MISERY

I MEAN HIS MISERY”

My Girlfriend: No, you were right the first time

But Gordon blows it as he tells Jervis to kill him and let Leslie and Valerie go

Me: Jim

If your plan is to make him so angry that he doesn’t think straight and kills you instead of killing them

Maybe don’t TELL HIM that that’s your plan

My Girlfriend: Jim’s scheme has been foiled by this shows painfully unsubtle plotting and dialogue

Me: “I DID NOT THINK THIS THROUGH”

Jervis changes his mind about shooting Gordon, saying that he wants him to live and suffer

Me: And make the viewers suffer as well

My Girlfriend: What did we ever do to you Jervis?

Me: It’s not our fault the writers decided to kill your sister off

He tells Jim to choose but Jim says he won’t do it

“You will

You will

You’ll certainly spill”

My Girlfriend: I think these rhymes are getting WORSE

Me: “He will not tell you in this house

He will not tell you near a mouse”

My Girlfriend: He will not tell you in the rain

He will not tell you on a train

But the Hatter decides to “Make it easy” on Jim by saying he won’t ask him who he loves…but instead ask him who he should kill

My Girlfriend: How the HELL does that make it EASIER

Me: “I can see your uncomfortable talking about your feelings Jim

Let’s talk about something your more at home discussing

Like murder”

Jervis starts a countdown at the end of which he’ll shoot them both if Jim doesn’t choose

Me: Leslie looks about as optimistic as I would if my life was depending on Jim Gordon

My Girlfriend: “So this is how I die…”

And yep, Gordon tells Jervis to shoot Leslie

My Girlfriend: Well done Gordon, didn’t even take you five seconds

Me: Now some people might say that Gordon has no options here

But leaving aside the fact that he could have just brought TWO GUNS to this thing and drawn the other to shoot the Hatter and his Idiot Henchman there’s another very obvious option here

Given that Gordon knew there was another entrance into the house, he and Mario could have snuck in, taken out the Tweedles and killed Tetch

My Girlfriend: There was NO REASON for Gordon to confront Tetch face to face other than his need to run in and be the Tough Guy

Jervis proceeds to shoot Valerie Vale!

Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

My Girlfriend: “MY ATTEMPT AT REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY FAILED ENTIRELY”

Me: Why didn’t it at any point occur to Jim to say that Barbara is the one he loves?

Tetch would have to run off and try and kidnap her which would get Tetch killed by either Barbara or Tabitha and while he was gone, Gordon could come up with a plan to take out the goons and get out of there

My Girlfriend: Because Jim Gordon is nowhere near that clever

Me: Why does the show have to have consistent characterisation the ONE time we don’t want it to

Jervis says that he “Knew Jim had it in him”

My Girlfriend: “I knew you had it in you to make a bad decision under duress while being forced to do so by a kidnapper”

Me: He’s made a real Moral Point here

“All this time you made everyone believe you’re the hero

But deep down you always knew the truth… you’re a villain!”

Me: Actually he never once made us believe he was the hero

My Girlfriend: We’ve been saying that he’s the villain since the start of season two

Me: This REALLY isn’t a shocking revelation Jervis

Jervis departs as Jim desperately tries to stop Valerie bleeding out and Leslie calls an ambulance

Me: “I was warned how this show treats its female characters

Why didn’t I listen”

My Girlfriend: “It could be worse…I could be one of Kyle Rayner’s girlfriends”

We cut to doctors doing doctor-y things in a hospital

Me: (Loudly hums the Casualty theme)

My Girlfriend: STOP THAT

The doctors take Valerie into the O.R and Jim and Leslie look nervous

Me: “Her contract isn’t up for renewal is it?”

My Girlfriend: “For the love of god someone tell me how many episodes she agreed to be in”

Before we find out what’s going to happen there, let’s check in with corruptor of the youth of America and Adorable Mass Murderer Oswald Cobblepott!

Whose sat at the dinner table obviously rehearing what he’s going to say to Edward

Me: The writers don’t want us to think that he’s actually talking to Edward instead of to himself here, do they?

My Girlfriend: I’d like to hope they know we’re not THAT gullible

Oswald talks about how he can either choose to avoid risk and choose safety or risk everything and choose courage

“I choose courage”

Me: “I choose another way

I choose…RAPTURE”

My Girlfriend: Choose life

Choose celebrity

Choose a six foot statue of your dead mother

Choose an umbrella fetish

Choose to live in the house of your murdered family whose deaths no one is investigating for some reason

“What I’m trying to say is…I love you”

Pan to an empty chair

My Girlfriend: “This would work much better if he was actually here”

Me: From the soundtrack I think we were meant to be surprised that he wasn’t ACTUALLY talking to Edward

My Girlfriend: Who could have guessed, except everyone I mean

So where is Edward?

He’s picking out wine for he and Oswald’s meal and a Mystery Woman says that it’s “impossible to pick the perfect bottle”

Me: No

No it isn’t

My Girlfriend: It’s wine

It’s nice and you drink it

Me: There REALLY isn’t a lot more to it, no matter what people who want you to pay a thousand dollars for a single bottle might want you to think

Edward starts to show off his Wine Knowledge….

My Girlfriend: Edward doesn’t JUST think about riddles and murder

He’s also a very cultured fellow!

Me: He’s memorised every fact there is to know about wine in case he ever needs to base a riddle around it

But Edward stops dead as he sees that the woman he’s talking to…looks just like Kristen Kringle, the woman he murdered!

Naturally his first reaction is to…call her by Kristen’s name

My Girlfriend: Okay hold the phone

The FIRST CONCLUSION that he leaps to

The FIRST THING he thinks

Is that somehow the woman he killed HAS COME BACK FROM THE DEAD

Me: Not that this is a look alike

Not that it’s a twin

That it’s his DEAD GIRLFRIEND COME BACK FROM THE GRAVE

My Girlfriend: Because that makes perfect sense

Me: Then again, given all he’s seen go on in this city…maybe by the standards of this show it DOES

The woman, who introduces herself as Isabela, starts to leave but Edward in a rare moment of empathy for another human being, apologises for the moment getting weird and says she just reminds him of someone “I used to know…a long time ago”

Me: “Back before I strangled her to death with my bare hands and buried her corpse in a shallow grave in the woods”

My Girlfriend: He stills remembers the last moments they shared together

Sometimes he can still hear her voice in her head…

Me: “SOMEONE HELP ME!

MY BOYFRIENDS TRYING TO KILL ME”

Isabela responds to this…by telling Edward a riddle?

Edward makes A Face

My Girlfriend: Oh god…he’s got an erection doesn’t he

Me: A RIDDLE BONER

My Girlfriend: “PLEASE DRESS AS MY SEXY DEAD GIRLFRIEND”

So while Edward introduces himself because telling someone that you’re a convicted serial killer is a sure fire way to get to first base, we cut over to the hospital where Bullock has just arrived to talk to Gordon

“Jim”

Me: “No this is a hospital, not a gym”

My Girlfriend: “Have you been drinking again Harvey”

Bullock tries to reassure Gordon that Valerie seems like a “Tough cookie” and he’s sure she’ll be fine

Me: “That one scene that I shared with her four episodes ago really left an impression”

My Girlfriend: Have the two of them even SPOKEN to each other?

Me: Don’t be silly why would Valerie need to have any interaction with anyone that isn’t somehow about her relationship with Jim Gordon

Gordon wants to know about Tetch and Bullock tries to reassure him that the GCPD is “Canvassing the city�� and that they’ll For Reals Totes McGoats find him

Me: Yeah sure

That’s what you said when Penguin was on the run LAST season

How did that work out

My Girlfriend: Your police department couldn’t find a team of villains who were running around turning into bats and dressing in cyborg BDSM gear

Jim does not have faith in your abilities

Me: “We might as well just give up right now if your on the case”

“Why didn’t you come to me?”

“I couldn’t…

And I thought I could save them both”

Me: ….

That is NOT A REASON

My Girlfriend: That does not even BEGIN to answer Bullock’s question

Me: “I’d love to tell you why I didn’t ask for your help Harvey

But the writers have no idea about that either”

“You did what you thought was right”

Me: That makes it perfectly okay then

My Girlfriend: A woman is bleeding to death but Jim Gordon did what he thought was right

Me: Alice Tetch wound up getting impaled on a metal pole but Jim did what he thought was right

My Girlfriend: A mob boss escaped while two women whose only crime was being experimented on against their will were beaten to death by a lynch mob

BUT JIM DID WHAT HE THOUGHT WAS RIGHT

Me: “He Did What he Thought Was Right” is going to be what they put on Jim’s tombstone

Gordon sadly notes that in the end Tetch won…but Bullock puts a hand on his shoulder and just says “We’ll see”

Me: Great pep talk there Bullock

My Girlfriend: “He probably did

But maybe not?”

An unknown amount of time later, Leslie is sitting somewhere in the hospital as Jim comes to sit beside her

“Mario’s a great doctor…she’ll pull through”

My Girlfriend: “He must be a great doctor!

How else could he star in that videogame named Dr Mario?”

Me: Jim wishes he shared Leslie’s optimism but unfortunately they took Valerie to county

My Girlfriend: She’d have better chances if they’d just tried to superglue her gunshot wound closed themselves

“Lee, about what I said”

“JIM

NOT NOW”

My Girlfriend: “Your girlfriend is dying in the next room, maybe try and patch things up with me AFTER the funeral”

Me: “WAIT YOU SAID MARIO WAS A GREAT DOCTOR”

My Girlfriend: “Jim, don’t you know False Hope when your hearing it”

And the scene just…pans out on them sitting quietly in the hallway…

My Girlfriend: (Starts to hum the M.A.S.H theme)

Me: ‘cause suiiiiciiiideeee is paaaainleeessss

It brinnnnggssss onnnnnnn many chaaaaaanges

My Girlfriend: And I can taaaake or leeeaaavvveeee it if I pleaaaasseeeee

And our episode ends

Me: That was…a surprisingly sombre and affecting moment to close out on

My Girlfriend: It’s no Megan Mullaly at Rosario’s funeral but yeah…that was some Mood Whiplash right there after the Hysterical Nonsense of the rest of the episode

Me: So what did we learn this episode?

My Girlfriend: We learned that Jim Gordon could not make a smart decision if two lives depended on it, let alone his own

Me: Why trust Barnes, whose constantly shown himself to be intelligent and level headed or Harvey Bullock, his best friend

When he can just rush in and stake his whole plan on chance and ONE GUY who he has only met ONCE BEFORE for all of two minutes

My Girlfriend: Oh, we learned that Gotham is NOT for lovers

Me: Do not get married in this city

Your either going to be attacked by gimps or kidnapped by a hypnotist

My Girlfriend: Probably BOTH in season four just to mix things up

Me: WE LEARNED JIM GORDON IS A SNERSON

My Girlfriend: No Samantha

Me: He is one of the SNEOPLE

My Girlfriend: Samantha no

Me: A SNONSTER

My Girlfriend: I WILL PUT YOU OUTSIDE

Me: Oh!

And we learned that Oswald Cobblepott isn’t just a horrible person

He’s a horrible role model for young children

My Girlfriend: “Oswald Cobblepott: Shaping America’s Youth”

Me: (Loudly hums the It’s Always Sunny Music)

#Gotham #DC #Batman #Comics #Samantha and her girlfriend watch Gotham

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