#and frankly kisame-sasori could be pretty sweet too

[tozettastone]

I wish you would write a fic where the Akatsuki are a host club and [character of your choice] is a passing Haruhi…..

for the "I wish you would write..." ask meme

We have

Pein as a metal-studded prince with an indifferent temper (and a very sad backstory).

Konan is the stiff, correct club secretary who knows everything about everyone.

Kisame is our tall, grim-looking swords guy who is honestly more chill than 70% of the cast.

I know it seems natural that Kisame's smaller "much less intimidating," companion with the sweet tooth should be Itachi, but you should hear me out and let it be Sasori instead. I think the contrast between Kisame and Sasori is actually thematically pretty good. Big guy with massive natural chakra deeply invested in physical arts next to a tiny guy who has interfered with every single "natural" process he can conceptualise to turn his own body into the ship of theseus, you know. Good shit. Moving on.

The twins are not twins and, in fact, aren't even brothers, although a lot of the Host Club's clientele certainly think they are. Itachi and Deidara are both very rich orphans who appear (?) to hate each other (??) and who have also moved in together. (They live with Sasuke! But Madara is Itachi's only remaining adult relative. Oof.) Reasons unclear. Only the maids understand this relationship, and they're not telling. God forbid you pick on Itachi or Deidara where the other one can tell, though: Itachi will rip you a new one about picking on people who are already that pathetic, and Deidara once set a man on fire for provoking Itachi to an asthma attack. If anyone's going to kill Itachi, it's going to be Deidara.

Tobi is the hooded weirdo who shows up in the middle of a scene through a door he just made up and curses people. If you take his mask off and expose his face to the sun he cries. Zetsu follows him holding onto curse accoutrements and mumbling to himself.

Kakuzu is their club manager. Clients typically won't see him unless the plot demands he rise from the ground on a giant steel platform, lifted by a mass of writing tentacles and throbbing chakra monsters. Unlike Host Club's Renge, he does not show up to squeal about his faves and offer a genre-savvy comedy segment. Instead, he appears when he senses someone is making a fiscally unwise choice with club funds. We don't know where he sleeps, or, worse, what he eats.

Hidan is the scion of a late crime lord (lotta orphans in this cast, I see) who died under such grim and mysterious circumstances that a dark cloud hangs over his reputation. He shows up because he's heard Kakuzu is also an eldritch abomination and wants to learn about him. Kakuzu is in the business of managing hosts, though, so if Hidan wants his time he's going to have to work for it. Smile, Hidan.

I'm not sure who the funniest character to bring into this setting would be. Sakura seems like an obvious choice, and who doesn't like insane Sakura centric AUs? But Kakashi could also be fun, I think. He would just not want to be there at all, ever... but if he escapes one of the hosts he's definitely not escaping the rest. (Especially if Kakuzu thinks he owes them money.)