#and hello to everyone on discord who saw my name change to 00Zero00 lastnight

[ainchase]

Rosé.

Rosé.

Rosé.

Has anyone ever called my name so lovingly before...? He calls it as if the very name is precious... like it’s the most lovely name in the world...

I don’t know if he does it knowingly... No. You wouldn’t know. 

The only reason you can be this cruel is because you don’t know... You don’t know what your words do to me.

“This Doesn’t Have A Title and I Am Sorry In Advance (II)”

Previous: This Doesn’t Have a Title and I Am Sorry In Advance (I)

Note: This fanfic is meant to be read with Romance in C Major as its BGM. (Right click on the video and select ‘Loop’)

Usually thirty minutes is pretty short for a lunch break, but I found myself being pleasantly surprised at how much time we still have left. We have a good fifteen minutes before we have to stop staring at the clouds and go back to class. Suddenly, I had a burning desire to ask the question I never bothered to ask before. I broke the silence.

“You know, I’ve been wondering...” “Yeah?”

Ain answered without taking his eyes off the horizon.

“Why do you do that?” “Do what?” “Pretending to be nice to people you hate? If you hate them so much, just tell it to their faces. It’s good to be honest.”

Ain nervously laughed at the question.

“You wouldn’t understand...”

He raised his eyebrows as if amused at his sudden realization. But his eyes were still fixed on the clouds.

“... Then again, I guess you’re the only one who could understand.” “What do you mean?” “You know my family’s history.”

He let out a deep sigh. I stared at him. Something unfortunate happened to his family when we were kids, but only my parents knew the full details. They never told me exactly what occurred, and I never asked Ain in fear of overstepping my boundaries. He fiddled around with the empty can for a bit then opened his mouth.

“My family’s business collapsed because of my father — my brilliant father — who trusted people too easily. After he killed himself, my mother had to raise me.. She expects the perfect son so that she could have her old life back.”

I always assumed his father died of an accident. They stopped coming to church ever since his death, and I wondered if that had anything to do with it. I began to understand why his mother was so strict with him.

“Because he trusted the wrong man... we lost everything. I don’t trust anyone, Rosé. Human beings especially. Not a single one. Those pieces of shit who used my family for their own gain and discarded us... Those who ignored us when we needed their help... I hated them, until I realized the truth: this is how the world runs. 

I can’t be like my father, giving endlessly. I’ll use who and whatever I can.  The ones who approach me? They’re trying to use me too. I understand that. Yeah, it fucking sucks, and it’s shitty as hell, but that’s reality.”

I was appalled while my mind scrambled to find words. When I managed to do so, they bursted out of my mouth.

“What about me?”

Ain finally looked in my direction, shocked at the hostility in my voice.

”...What about you?” "What's my purpose? Am I...to be discarded later too?"

His eyes widened at the accusation. He calmed down and gave me a concerned expression mixed with guilt and pain.

“...You know I don’t think that way about you, Rosé.” “No, I don’t know that. Can you hear yourself? What am I to you?”

I knew my words sound like an interrogation. I wanted to avoid this god-awful, awkward silence so I took it as a chance to apologize.

“I’m sorry, I just... I got scared... that I might be tossed away.”

I looked up at his face to see if he was upset. Surprisingly, he smiled.

“Not possible. You’re precious to me.”

P-Precious. He just said... precious. I’m precious to him. I hid my face behind the curtain of hair and hoped they will cover my embarrassment. Luckily, Ain didn’t notice and continued.

“They can’t understand why I do this... why I live like this. They can never understand the suffocating pressure I live in... constantly.”

He peered down into the empty soda can as though he’s peeking inside to find words that can help explain his feelings.

“But you’re different. You’re the only one who can understand me. Because you’re my... only friend. The only one I can call my friend.”

He looked up once again and stared at the horizon.

"I can only be honest with you. I can feel the burden on my chest becoming lighter, you know? I...really cherish our moments together."

He sighed and closed his eyes to muster up the strength to say the next words.

“I’m... always trying to be careful around you, Rosé. I never want to do anything that could jeopardize our friendship. I don’t want to lose what we have right now... Ever.”

From that moment until the bell rang, we sat in silence. My mind spun from my confused emotions. On one hand, I was beyond ecstatic to hear from his own lips that I am precious to him. Yet, the agonizing truth dragged me to the depth of hell. I knew what he was trying to say: 

“We would be friends... really good friends... and nothing more.”

Where the hell is he?

School festival approached, and the Student Council was at its busiest time of the year. There were mountains of papers to review with Ain, but I couldn’t find him anywhere. 

I passed by an empty classroom and glanced into it through the window. A familiar figure lay on the floor.

...Ain?

I rushed into the classroom. He was sprawled on the floor with his back against the wall. He stared at the ground and refused to look up even when I entered.

“Ain, are you okay? Are you hurt? What’s wrong?”

I put my hand on his shoulder, but he waved it away. He breathed very slowly.

"I'll be fine...Just give me a moment. It'll go away...T-This happens s-sometimes." “You... You don’t look well. Are you sure?” “...Leave me alone.” “Can you stand? Let’s go to the nurse’s office.” “I said leave me alone.” “Ain, let me save you... please.”

Ain scoffed.

“Save... me?”

When he raised his head to look into my eyes, I froze at the sheer contempt. He shook his head.

“No one can save me, Rosé.”

A sharp pang of pain stabbed me. My vision blurred from these bottled up emotions.

“Something's obviously wrong, but you won't tell me...! All I've ever done was sit and listen to you talk.”

Looking annoyed from having to repeat the same point again and again, Ain took his gaze away from me and scrutinized the ground.

“Listening alone... is fine. That’s enough for me.” “Isn’t it normal for friends to help each other? You said I was your only friend.”

He narrowed his eyes at me at the mention of the word ‘friend.’

“Yeah, I did say that. I said you’re the only one who can understand me, but that doesn’t mean you have the right to interfere with how I live my own damn life.”

My jaw dropped; my tears couldn't stop falling. It's no use. I don't care anymore...

“Interfere...? Worrying about you is interfering?!” “Rosé!”

Ain shouted. I’ve never heard him shout at anyone before. Who knew I’d be the first person he would shout at? The shock stopped my tears. His cold eyes told me to back off.

“How many times do I have to tell you? Leave me alone.”

He closed his eyes and began massaging his arms. It looked like he was used to doing this. It must have happened many times before.

“I... I don’t want to get attached to you. No, I’ve gotten attached to you already, to the point of loathing myself for it.”

He looked up at me with guilt in his eyes.

“ I'm sorry...I don't want to get used to you. If I always receive your help...I'll start to rely on you...and...I...I-I'm afraid, when I get used to you, Rosé...I'm afraid...I won't be able to function without you.”

Remorse, guilt, shame—which of them left my heart shattered? No...It's fine...I don't mind at all... If only I could say those words...

"Can't we stay the way we are...? That's all...I won't ask for more."

What do I have to do? 

... What can I do?

Must I only watch at a distance? I want to help. I...I want to reach out and embrace you. I want to save you...Why can't I be the one to save you? You're suffering, yet you would rather be all alone. Why...? Am I useless...after all?

Ain... Did you know?

You are afraid of being attached to me...but I...I...

I'm already used to you—your voice that calls out my name, your way of smiling at me, your way of telling me I'm special to you. Your words are like the sweetest poison I cannot live without, slowly destroying me from the inside...

I put my head down on the desk and waited for a reply.

I closed my laptop shut and collapsed into my bed. 

I don’t know anymore. I don’t want to force my own opinion on him and have our friendship break because of that. I should... respect his opinion... but are things going to be okay?

Maybe Zero is right... maybe I was being selfish... 

“I miss you.” “You're mine, Rosé." Such sweet words are but impossible dreams in the sky. But I know...these feelings...aren't purely because of my greed...

Why do these hands not hold anything? Why can't these hands hold anything? I'm...falling into an abyss...as I watch those feelings consume him. I'm chained to the ground and the only thing I can do is watch as he drowns.

Am I...really this worthless? Can't I do anything? Is there something I can do...but wouldn't? If so...should I act upon it? No matter what the costs? 

Even if I lose everything in the process?

Next: Your Limit - 1