#and his ridiculous donkey

[hedgehog-moss]

9am: Pirlouit & I are waiting for the farrier; it's Hoof Day! The farrier always tends to run late so I have a thermos of tea and a breakfast pastry to eat as we wait. Pirlouit has been offered some hay and has refused to eat it because he's sulking because it's hoof day.

Isn't it nice to get a pedicure, Pirou?

9:10am: The farrier is late and Pirlouit is worried, wondering what we're waiting for here on the road. Maybe he has been sold? to a sadistic new owner? who's going to shove him into a crate and send him to the salt mines like the donkeys in Pinocchio? Plus, he's more stressed than usual today because one of his hooves hurts (hence the farrier appointment), he's been limping for a few days and he doesn't know what the farrier will do to the hurt hoof. I told him there's only a 30% chance that he'll amputate it.

9:15am: Pirlouit's family is here to support him though! Or, in the case of Pampérigouste, here to puzzle out a vexing mystery.

9:17am: The llamas have grown bored of standing there in support and have started eating the brambles near the gate (supportively). Very good initiative, I approve. Also I thought Poldine was trying to eat the brambles outside the gate (greener on the other side and all that) but no, she was trying to fit her head through the bars for a little kiss </3

9:20am: Even Merricat is being supportive. (Well, she's waiting for me to go home so she can finally take her first morning nap in my lap.) Also Pirlouit has found some grass under the leaves and temporarily forgot all of his worries.

9:22am: Poldine is determined to kiss this cat.

9:24am: The farrier is here! As always he starts doing Pirlouit's hooves right there in the middle of the road, and if a car shows up well, "they can wait a few minutes... On n'est pas aux pièces" (this is a phrase for "there's no rush" that I've never heard anyone but my grandma use, it's nice to hear it again!) There aren't any cars anyway.

9:27am: Pirlouit's hurt hoof has been diagnosed: he has an abscess. Since this autumn has been relentlessly rainy I thought perhaps it was a fungal infection—but the farrier told me he's been treating a lot of abscesses lately, as the very wet weather softens hooves which allows bacteria to enter.

9:30am: The abscess was successfully drained and Pirlouit is now wearing a fashionable hoof bandage. He was very calm and brave throughout <3

9:35am: The farrier left his car by the side of the road, and after releasing Pirlouit we crossed the pasture to go home have a cup of coffee.

9:45am: The farrier is gone; end of the post :)

10am: Pampe is gone, too.

Well, she probably left around 10am but I didn't immediately find out as I had more pressing problems. After the farrier left I went to get a small apple to reward Pirlouit, and when I returned to the pasture and he came over for his treat, I realised he was limping. But on the other side. We've just treated his right front hoof, and he is now holding up the left front hoof...

9:57am: After giving Pirlouit his apple I go home in a hurry to call the farrier and ask him to come back. But there's almost no mobile service around here and I can't reach him. This is so frustrating, he can't be very far... On a hunch I call a horse farm not far from here, maybe it's hoof day for their horses as well?

10am: It's not, they have no farrier appointment today, but when I explain my predicament the woman on the phone goes "if it's just to drain an abscess I can send you a guy who'll do it, no worries!" Every time I've had someone from this farm on the phone to ask something or other, they've offered to Send Me A Guy. It's never the same guy too, they have an endless supply of guys.

10:05am: Having accepted gratefully, I return to the pasture to catch poor Pirlouit again, who thought I was done bothering him for today. As I wait for The Guy, I find a spot with some unexpected mobile service and start googling hoof hardeners, because maybe if Pirou's prone to abscesses it's worth having something in prevention for wet months?

10:15am: I receive a text from the guy.

"Is it normal that your llama is on the road with a dog? They are going to [village]."

10:16am: I reply to the guy.

"It's neither normal nor abnormal."

10:17am: I tie Pirlouit to a tree and run back to the barn to get some muesli. Then start running on the road, trying to figure out how Pampe escaped, and the answer seems obvious: after his coffee the farrier crossed the pasture again to get back to his car, and he knew about the Special Anti-Pampe Safety Knot 3000 but either forgot and closed the gate like a normal person, or didn't do it correctly. Pampe in her little llama brain knows very well that most visitors don't know about the Anti-Pampe Knot so she hurries to check the gate after a stranger leaves her pasture. Meanwhile I was busy noticing Pirou's limp and trying to call the farrier back and I didn't check the gate as I usually do.

10:20am: The guy has found me trotting on the road with my muesli and picked me up in his car. We go back to where he last saw Pampe. I apologise for wasting his time and he tells me "I've heard of your llama" in a tone half-sympathetic half-fatalistic.

10:24am: Pampe & Pandolf have been located; are having the time of their lives. Pandolf is a bit sheepish when I call him, though. He loves going on adventures with his best friend so much but he knows it's a bad dog thing to do for some reason :(

10:34am: The Guy is trying to push Pampe forward with his car while I try to attract her towards me with my muesli in a carrot-and-stick routine; Pampe occasionally veers off-road to eat some leaves, inspect the mud in the ditch, pretend to admire a cloud while secretly brainstorming strategies.

Guy's commentary: "This is worse than dealing with an escaped horse. I feel ignored. I feel powerless."

10:39am: Pampe is home! She didn't actually go very far. But since she hadn't locked the gate behind her, when we arrived we found Pampelune on the road as well, just sort of waiting for us like a sentinel. Pirlouit was still tied to his tree staring at his inexplicably orange foot, and Poldine was panicking because her mother had abandoned her for the millionth time and her grandma had left the pasture too and she couldn't figure out how :((( All she had to do was fiddle with the gate with her nose really, but it never occurred to her to do so, she's too innocent. She only inspects gates in order to figure out how to kiss someone through them. So she was alone in the pasture trotting in circles, making undignified sad goat noises when Pampe & I returned.

10:53am: Pirlouit's other hoof has been treated, hopefully he'll feel better and stop limping soon... I'll have to remove the bandages with scissors, clean both hooves and re-do the bandages in a couple of days which is probably going to be a whole Thing, considering he's suspicious of buckets of water and scissors and objects in general. But as for now everyone is in the pasture having some celebratory hay and Pampoldine is deeply relieved to find that she hasn't been abandoned by everyone forever (as she assumes every single time.)

Also I realised I only paid the farrier half of what I owed him... I had prepared the exact sum but I had half in one pocket and half in another which was a risky idea. And neither of us checked what I was handing him, or noticed. He called me back when he arrived in a place with mobile reception and I told him about the whole affair and he said it's a good thing I accidentally paid him half because he didn't see the other abscess and failed to make the Anti-Pampe Knot 3000 so "it's a fair discount." So I got a half-price farrier visit thanks to Pampe (partly)... I won't tell her because she already thinks she's doing the world a favour by escaping (free fence integrity checks, free cardio training for me by forcing me to do interval running, free entertainment for everyone, plus her modest contribution to cosmic chaos.)

11am: I meant to take an "all's well that ends well" photo of the whole family but I realised Pampe is making her angry hammerhead shark face because her adventure was very short-lived and I didn't even take a picture of her escape, as I'd left my phone in my coat pocket under Pirlouit's tree (& supervision) when I went after her. (I figured I was about to run for 15min and would not need my heavy coat)

She thinks I did it on purpose to demoralise her by refusing to document her victories. But she's not giving up.

[llycaons]

for some reason my 'for you' tab is full of these posts so I've been blocking ppl left and right for being slightly annoying on my dash and while I do kind of see the appeal of this I do feel like it's worth keeping in mind that little apple is a literal donkey and a has a much more straightforward relationship with wwx than jc does being. a literal animal

[bahoreal]

wangxians reunion is just ridiculous. best reunion ever in the entire world i think. imagine the guy you were absolutely inconceivably in love with dies tragically and youve given up hope of him ever coming back (youve been searching for him in your own way, and his brother has been doing everything except for dying himself to call his spirit back) and then one day one random day you run into some weird guy with a donkey who hides from you and you and think nothing of it but then literally one hour later you hear him playing the song, the song you wrote for him out of painful teenage love, the song you sang to him once while he was half-unconcious in a cave and you thought he didnt remember, the song that you have played but never where anyone (except for lan sizhui) could hear, and you know its him, hes back!

and he doesnt remember the significance of the song.

[agoodomenssideblogiguess]

I dont think I'll ever be able to get over the "I work in Soho, I hear things," line Aziraphale says in 1967. Cuz like if you exam the scene background for more than a couple of seconds you realize how fucking ridiculous Crowley and Aziraphale are being.

Because, Crowley KNOWS where the bookshop is. Crowley was probably there when Aziraphale came up with the idea and when he chose the property and for sure was there for opening day. Crowley KNOWS it's still there in 1941, they go back at the end of the magic show for wine.

The fucking Dirty Donkey is established as being across the street from the bookshop with a perfect view to the inside during s2e4.

See how the crossed out windows the zombies are looking through are visible through the window over Crowley's shoulder. If Aziraphale were heating up the tea kettle on his little parlor stove, he might even be able to see the pub's entrance or any cars coming up the street.

And I doubt that the pub moved locations in or around 1967 only to be moved back by 2023 so we can safely assume that what's visible in 1941 is visible in 1967 during Crowley's meeting.

I went back to the 1967 bit in s1e3 to figure out where the fuck Crowley is parked and I'm pretty sure the ramp he speaks alone to Shadwell in front of is the same ramp that Marguerite's restaurant has.

And in s2e5, as Aziraphale leaves to invite all the shopkeepers to the 'meeting' we see Marguerite's sign through the windows to the right of the front door.

Which means Crowley's conversation with Shadwell is fucking visible from the front door of the bookshop.

And it also means those fucking strip tease signs that Crowley has parked the Bentley in front of are covering up the record shop and the window over Aziraphale's desk (Which I'll admit, unfortunately means that the ramp isn't visible through the window and might only be seen via the windows of the front door of the shop). Why are these windows covered up? Maybe the set designers wanted to give the illusion that they are on some different part of the street. UNFORTUNATELY I CAN FUCKING SEE THE BOOKSHOP PILLARS IN THE CORNER OF THE SCREEN YOU CANT FOOL ME.

Let's put it all together now: Crowley drives the Bentley, his ICONIC Bentley(no doubt who's fucking Bentley that is if you see it come down the street through the window), just past the bookshop, and parks. He has to get out on the bookshop side of the street and backtrack, PAST THE FUCKING BOOKSHOP DOOR, and to the pub that is in perfect view of one of the (only unblocked) bookshop windows, and has a conversation with a strange man in view of the bookshop's front door.

"I hear things" Aziraphale, baby girl, you didn't have to hear anything you can literally see Crowley at every moment.

And also Aziraphale, you're not off the hook for ridiculousness either. Why the fuck did you teleport into the Bentley. THE BOOKSHOP IS RIGHT THERE. You fucking depraved me of a full cravat outfit shot because you wanted to spookily and mysteriously appear to your beloved demon. YOU'RE KILLING ME AZIRAPHALE.

[spicycinnabun]

“Steve, something is wrong with Christofern!” Eddie entered Steve’s room, cradling the potted plant in his arms.

He’d come home after work, ready to greet his bud-dy, but one look at him had made Eddie gasp. His leaves were shriveled up like sad little green raisins. Usually, they were puffed up like oversized Rice Krispies.

Christofern had been Robin’s, originally. It had been in a very sorry state on her windowsill before she’d left for college—a lot worse than it looked now, under Eddie’s care, thank you—and she’d told him, “I honestly can’t stand the thing. You keep it. It sheds worse than my aunt’s Great Pyrenees, and I’m tired of vacuuming. Just don’t throw it out, or Steve might murder you.”

And that had been that.

Christofern didn’t look like a typical house plant. He wasn’t a fern, which Steve kept reminding him. Steve was more practical. He didn’t give his plants names but called them by their designated labels.

Christofern was a Donkey’s Tail, or sedum morganianum, part of the succulent family. That term meant absolutely nothing to Eddie unless it was referring to a big bowl of pasta—he had no idea there was a whole plant category called delicious.

“But maybe he wants to be a fern, Steven,” he’d argued. “Ever thought of that? He doesn’t have to be a succulent just because he was assigned so at birth.”

“You’re fucking ridiculous,” had been Steve’s reply.

At first, Eddie had enlisted Steve’s help purely because he’d wanted his attention, and talking about plants was an easy as hell way to get Steve’s attention. Steve was a very passionate plant dad. But later, Eddie grew to love Christofern, and the trials and tribulations of learning how to care for him were almost like raising his own child.

Christofern had not just one but seven long, thickly spiked green tails. Seven tails. He reminded Eddie of a mutated dragon. He was adorable but occasionally grumpy and high-maintenance, like a certain someone Eddie knew. (Perhaps Christofern was more of a prince than a dragon—a dragon prince?)

If he didn’t get enough sunlight, his leaves shed, and he wilted. If he wasn’t rotated daily, he got yellow and sunburnt. And if he didn’t get enough water…

“I swear I watered him... uh, recently.” When had Eddie last watered him? Not the day before, but maybe Wednesday? Or had it been Tuesday? Shit. Eddie pouted. “I just gave him a drink now, anyway. It’s not too late, is it, Doctor Steve?”

He clasped his hands and watched Steve’s attentive eyes rove over his plant, waiting for the diagnosis.

“Eddie, how could you neglect Christofern like this? I should call Plant Protective Services.” Steve grabbed his hand, startling Eddie and his overactive heartbeat.

He took Eddie’s index finger and pushed it into Christofern’s soil right down to his second knuckle. It felt inappropriate. Eddie made a noise, appalled. “Steven, why are you making me violate Christofern?”

Steve ignored him. “What do you feel? The soil is soaked down there, isn’t it?”

Eddie wiggled his finger. It felt goopy. “Yes,” he admitted.

“You’ve overwatered it,” Steve chastised. “Now, the leaves might rot instead of rehydrating themselves. You’ve got to make sure you don’t drown it. Christofern only needs a moderate amount of water every two weeks, okay?”

“Okay,” Eddie said meekly. “I’m sorry, Christofern.”

Steve pulled his finger out of the soil and gave him a look bordering on amusement. “Leave him with me for a few days, and I’ll get him back to where he should be.”

“Thank you, Doctor Steve. How can I ever repay you?” Eddie imagined repaying Steve with his mouth, his tongue, his hands (after he washed the soil off)…

“You can clean the bathroom,” Steve said.

Eddie’s fantasy shattered. He whined. “Does it have to be that?”

“Yup.”

“Damn it, Steve, just make me suck your dick next time,” Eddie grumbled on his way out.

He missed the way Steve’s jaw dropped.

[bleedingoptimism]

Eddie works in construction. One day he’s asked by a colleague to do a job for him. His workmate says it’s a kind of 'hush, hush job' just some holes in the front porch of a mansion, he’s just not allowed to talk about it with anyone else. He's really mysterious about it but he mentions they pay a fortune for it so Eddie agrees to do it.

He immediately realizes that all the weirdness and mystery business is because the 'holes' on the wall are fucking bullet holes. But his colleague was right, the pay is ridiculously good, so he keeps his head low and works on leaving the entrance good as new.

Just do his job and walk out, easy enough, right?

Then, a few hours into his work a car pulls up, the driver, a huge man who kind of looks like donkey kong but not in a cute way, in an actually very intimidating way, gets out and goes to the backdoor side, opens it and then drags a young man out, walks him up the stairs by the scruff of the neck.  The man is... gorgeous, he's fucking beautiful, Eddie can't do anything more than stand there, plaster precariously dripping of his spatula as he watches the brunette shake himself free of the driver, fix his hair and jacket and walk up the front steps, the driver giving him one last push when he hesitates to which he huffs and turns to look bitchily at him before continuing his ascend up the stairs.

When he passes by him, the young man looks at Eddie, smiles and gives him a little nod which is more than anyone else has done so far, every other person in the mansion acting like Eddie was part of the decour. Eddie smiles back noticing two things when he does, first, that this guy has the most beautiful smile he’s ever seen and second is, he has a bruise under his right eye, warm and red, like it’s new and just forming. Eddie frowns and is about to ask him if he's okay but the man sighs like he's bearing himself, before opening the door and entering before he has a chance to speak. 

Curious, Eddie leans closer to the now closed door, he hears the young man say, "Hi, dad" and then, horrified he hears the distinct sound of a slap, a hard one. He contemplates opening the door but he saw the weapon poorly concealed on Donkey Kong’s belt when he went in after the young man and judging from the bullet holes he’s spent the whole afternoon filling, he’s probably not the only one with a weapon. He just clenches his teeth and leans in closer trying to make out any other sounds. But no sound of distress, no retort, or scream or insult rings out.

"Go to your room," Eddie hears a stern voice say, and then another sigh, a loud one, like the young man is bored of his father's abuse. It's ballsy, Eddie thinks, undecided if it's brave or stupid.

Letting out a sigh of his own, Eddie shakes his head and goes back to work, but he can't stop thinking about the guy's smile, about what he should do, if he even should do something, is it worth the trouble? He can’t get involved with the mafia or whatever this people’s deal is. Hell! He can’t even get involved with the police, thanks to his father, he’s already a target for them.

Just when he’s about to finish up and still unsure on what to do, he hears a noise from the side of the building and is surprised to see the young man climbing down from a window on the second floor. Eddie watches as he walks on the roof and then jumps down letting himself dangle from the side of the building, it's quite an impressive show of agility honestly. And when he lands, he fixes his jacket and hair again as he walks over to Eddie, "Hi,” he says softly with a smile, "I'm Steve"

Steve's black eye is getting swollen and now his cheekbone is bright red too but Eddie can’t help thinking about how perfect his face is.

“I'm Eddie,” he replies, anxiously looking at the front door.

“Is that your bike?” Steve asks him, nodding to his motorcycle on the sidewalk.

“Yeah?” he answers wary but very curious about where this is going.

Steve looks at him, very purposely letting his eyes roam all over him and Eddie can feel the warmth of his eyes everywhere. When he finally looks back into Eddie's eyes, (not before lingering on his mouth a torturous amount of time) he says, "Wanna get out of here?”

Turns out doing his job and walking away wouldn't be that easy after all.

Choosing between the pay or taking Steve away with him? Easiest choice he ever made.

coffee? let's run away together... ☕🥐💕

[buckyalpine]

Spicy Snacks

Bucky x reader, Steve 

Warnings: 2 high super soldiers who get into your stash of spicy snacks, fluffff 

“Dear god” 

You weren’t sure what it was you were going to walk into when you heard a ruckus in the kitchen but it was everything but this. Literally anything. The last time you’d seen such a mess was when Peter thought it’d be a good idea to babysit Morgan alone. Even that was salvageable. You should’ve known how bad it would be, given the trail of crumbs you followed from your drawer to the kitchen, but still. 

This was something else...

There were snacks strewn about left, right and center. Bags of chips and candy littering every inch of the counter tops. 

But what truly topped it all were the two massive super soldiers sitting cross cross apple sauce on top of the kitchen island, giggling like school children with their hands, literally in the cookie jar. 

“Who stole the cookie from the cookie jar” Steve sang to himself while stuffing a chocolate chip one into his mouth, practically swallowing it whole. 

“Steve stole the cookie from the cookie jar” Bucky snickered, taking the jar for himself and scarfing them down two at a time. 

“Who me?”

“Yes you!”

“Not me!”

“Then who?” 

“What are you two idiots doing” Your voice broke them away from their nursery rhyme, staring at your boyfriend first before turning to his bestfriend, the both of them trying to hide the jar behind their backs. 

“Nothing’ y/n” Steve gave you a dopey grin, his baby blue eyes glazed like donuts, snickering at his bestfriend attempting to stab an apple juice box with the straw.

“S’too hard!!” Bucky whined, sticking his tongue out in concentration, eyes wide, trying to get his straw in to no avail, looking back up to you for help. He gave you his most innocent puppy pout hoping you’d help him, sticking his hands out for you to take his juice. 

“Bucky get down” You huffed, trying to hide your smile when he clambered down like an admonished child with his head hung. You rolled your eyes, pushing the straw and giving it back to him, shaking your head at the grin he gave you, whispering a shy thank you. 

“Ooooooo you like herrrrrr” Steve howled, now kicking his feet, letting them hang off the counter while Bucky blushed, peeking at you through his lashes. “BUCKY HAS A CRUSH” 

“Nooooo” He drawled out, taking a long sip from his juice box. 

“We’ve been dating for 2 years you dork” You watched his cheeks redden more, which only made him more adorable but you weren’t sure how much more nonsense was going to ensue when the both of them were higher than kites. 

“She’s my girlfriend” Bucky giggled at the last word, now struggling with a new box while Steve’s eyes lit up, a classic God awful captain America plan had bean to manifest itself. He slipped off the counter, the effects of the gummies and whatever else he’d swallowed had knocked his agility off its rockers; he moved with the grace of a donkey. 

“Where are you going” you stopped him before he could sneak off, your boyfriend looking equally guilty. 

“Noooowhere” Steve shrugged but you gave him a pointed look while Bucky flailed his hands, hoping to silently communicate they were not about to do something idiotic. 

“Sit down. Finish your snacks and then you both need to go take a nap” You felt like you were talking to toddlers, not bothering to add they had to clean their mess because you were sure that would only end in more chaos. 

“But we were gonna go flying with Sam’s wings!” 

“I can’t believe I’m saying this” You muttered to yourself, pinching the bridge of your nose before speaking again, “No. You can’t just go take Sam’s wings and go flying. Now finish your juice boxes and go to bed” 

“NOOOO” Steve jumped onto Bucky, wrapping his long legs around his waist, holding onto him like a massive koala, giving you his best puppy eyes, matching his equally ridiculous best friend. “WE DON’T WANNA GO TO BED” 

“Boys....”

“Please???” Bucky pouted effortlessly holding the captain up while your face scrunched up, mentally face palming yourself.

“No. No, you cannot go flying! You’ll end up hurting yourself or breaking the wings or- for fucks sake what are you doing?!” You gawked; Steve and Bucky had stopped listening many moons ago. They were back to rummaging for food, a stray sour patch kid falling to the floor. 

“5 second rule” Bucky shrugged, bending over to pick it up, not seeing the smirk that crossed his bestfriends face. 

“Chubby dumpling” Steve whispered, giving Bucky’s ass a poke, making him yelp. Bucky stared at him like a deer in headlights while Steve cackled to himself, tossing back another packet of nerds into his mouth. You were to engrossed at the scene in front of you to notice Tony walk in, his face equally perplexed at yours. 

“What it God’s name” Tony stared at the chaos that was taking place with you in the middle, “Do I even want to ask?”

“They got into my stash of....snacks...” You smirked while Tony cocked an eyebrow, waiting for you to elaborate. 

“Snacks, y/n? Really?”

“...Spicy snacks”

“Who would’ve thought this would be their downfall” He mused beside you “Oh-I think clothes are coming off-oh fuck” Tony ducked while Steve's shirt flew above his head, eyes growing wide when a pair of jeans followed.

“It’s so hot!!” Steve huffed, star fishing on the cool tile floor, arms and legs splayed out to the sides. “Soooo hottttt, n’I’m sleepy now” He yawned, stretching out like a cat before closing his eyes, a sugar crash sneaking up on them.  

“Okay, someone call for this ones bromantic partner to figure this out” Tony covered his eyes while calling for Sam, hoping to get Steve into some clothes before hauling him back to his room. “Y/n, I’m assuming you got terminator covered?” 

“Yeah, I- Oh no” you were met with your boyfriends Henley, followed by his joggers, landing on your head, squealing when you found yourself hanging off his shoulder seconds later. 

“Buck, where are we going?!” He mumbled something while making his way to the elevator in just his boxer briefs. 

“S’nap time” he mumbled sleepily, trudging with you to the bedroom and plopping down on top of you, using your chest as a pillow. “wan cuddles” 

“Mhm, then you get cuddles, baby boy” you giggled, carding your fingers through his hair, unable to stop smiling from how ridiculously adorable he was. He let out a content sigh, softly snoring moments later. You bit you lip to keep your laughs down, hearing the commotion outside your room in the hallway. 

“Steve, you need to put on pants”

“Pants are for the WEAK”

“No-Steve NO!-don’t take off your-for fucks sake” 

“THIS IS AMERICAS ASS”

“That’s America’s cock and balls” 

“Please, for the love of God, go to your room” 

“I’M GOING TO MAKE A TIKTOK” 

“Steve no”

“Steve yes”

“STEVE” 

“What’s the live feature” 

*Sounds of Steve shrieking and then a thump with continued muffled pouting*

“You’re never eating spicy anything again” 

[ms0milk]

pitch in a teapot

sanemi x inn keeper

reader has a business to run and sanemi can't help but watch you do it well, barking orders, teaching firmly, smiling and scurrying around like a fancy little bell. There's something he's been trying to get out of you all afternoon but chores keep stealing you away. cw MDNI, frustrated thunderstorm quickie, reader w vagina + penetration, slight manhandling, desperation and a little bit of sass. 4.1k

thank you so much my darling @neiptune for requesting a little sanemi this @ficsforgaza season! you were so generous and patient waiting for this to come out, I hope you enjoy angel

Six bowls of soup upstairs and an old man somewhere in the bowels of the inn with a limp and half a shoe. Right, okay, send two girls to the garden– no. One to the garden and one to the kitchen. That’s dinner taken care of as long as the scholar with the fat pony– donkey, maybe– doesn’t regurgitate an encore of the rakugo performance that couldn’t have been funny in the first place.

You roll the sleeves of your apron slightly tighter in their tasuki. The cyprus walls of your inn bleed fragrance before summer thunderstorms so you make a mental note too, to order storm doors for the second floor before the clouds go black and blue. Incensed breeze, juniper, wisteria, paper windows, one foot, the next, again, each step down the wooden hallway is a quiet knock. Each summer at home is heavier, heavier, and this year is the flood.

“Oi.”

“Not my name,” you blow from the corner of your mouth without changing pace. That breath was ready to jump off your lip before the demon slayer even called out to you; he hates doing nothing and hates even more what great pains your staff take to avoid his room.

“It reeks.”

“Excuse me?” You huff and this time do turn enough to interrogate him via glare. Sanemi, ridiculous, folds his arms in the doorway of a very nice room, a too nice room, without any of the appropriate embarrassment of someone who has been lying in wait. The stippled blue pattern of his robes doesn’t suit him. They clash with his ugly scars and uglier attitude but don't keep him from wearing the chest wide open like a well paid rent boy.

“Stinks.”

“Whatever of, princess?”

He growls and drops his arms as you brace for the lecture, “Demons.”

His heart is incapable of peace and yours with it, and every summer he’s assigned a post in your mountains by a master you’ve never met and who couldn’t possibly be sane themself. Four years of this. Four years of twelve weeks of sixteen-hour-days of the world’s most neurotic demon slayer.

“The whole property is wide open for any fuck to attack.”

You adjust your grip on a slender bucket handle and the cloth in your other arm and continue back downhall, “You always say that.”

“I’m always right,” he nags and pushes free of his bedroom.

You met Sanemi when you were sixteen and still working under your parents. He was a brand new hashira then and prone to fist fights, spitfire, bloodshed. Nothing special. Nothing new. Hashira come and die and new hashira come again. They arrive in flashbangs and ego and leave like everyone else, in pieces.

Your parents were calm, they had peace and practice, they ran this inn, they welcomed Sanemi with his summer floods. They loved him, took his counsel and died by it, and they probably wouldn’t have lost an old man inside the house. But this is your inn now. They aren’t here anymore and at your inn sometimes old men get misplaced.

“And what would you like me to do about all that, sir?”

The hashira keeps an easy military pace behind you, “The gardens need to be reinforced and–”

“Nine acres of wisteria arbor need reinforcement? Yeah I’ll get right on that.”

“The storm will take out ha–!”

“And the other half will hold until autumn. Go berate the kitchen staff for their unpreparedness– they’re all unarmed you know? Totally unprofessional.”

“Y/n–”

“Shinazugawa,” you spin and it all comes out as a threat, a hiss, instead of just a whisper so much so that the water in your bucket nips up your sleeve. “I am the lady of this establishment and you will not address me so familiarly.”

Dark cyprus, cool hallways, the undeniable scent of thunder. Sanemi rests his hand on his sword to glare like he does when his hands don’t quite know what to do with themselves. His eyes roam, quiet under long lilly lashes until they have traced the shapes your tasuki makes with your waist and rise again to your gaze. “We’re not fucking finished.”

“Go eat,” you snap and turn back down the hallway, red at the ears. Lady of the establishment, great job.

Feet aren’t complicated, bone to tendon, tendon to muscle, muscle to skin, one step and another. You tilt your head back and an eager girl rises to wipe sweat from your temple.

“Like this,” you hum and tilt the old man’s heel in your palm. He winces but lets you continue while the girl stares on. “When the skin is split like this it can’t receive moisture– sorry sir, better?” You set his foot on the hammock of cloth between your thighs, “So you need to soak it first before applying salve. Yeah?”

“Yeah,” the girl parrots, still unable to look away.

“Yes.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

You smile through an eye roll but gesture for her to come sit beside you. You’ve been like this since he’s met you, too old for your body.

You’ll train anyone who asks, hire any runaway girl, absorb the cost of thieves when runaways are exactly that, and you will wash old men’s feet before eating dinner with the self preservation of a samurai. Famously long-lived, those. Sanemi has to look away when you take scissors to the gnarled yellow nails and almost covers his ears when your pupil starts asking you questions about it.

“Feels good right?” You chuckle at the man’s response to your ministrations, and then a little louder, when you realize just how seriously the girl beside you is trying to focus. Birdsong. “Do you have companions on your pilgrimage, sir?” He shakes his head.

You lean away again so the girl can dab your brow and push back stray hairs and turn back to explain overdetailed care instructions to this man who is obviously so embarrassed he can’t hear a word you’re saying. Something about tallow and socks, Sanemi tries to read the syllables off your lips and loses focus the second time your teeth catch damp and pillowed pink.

The man seated in front of you grumbles some and flexes a few fingers around his cane like old men do, but doesn’t protest your instructions. He nods instead of thanking you like a real tough guy.

“Fetch a new pair of sandals from the garden shed,” you instruct your girl who bolts up and out the door past Sanemi without so much as a breath. “And you,” you turn back to your patient, “keep the nails short, you hear?”

He nods again, increasingly avoidant of eye contact. Sanemi tenses in the dark outside the guest’s complimentary room and hates ungrateful fucks enough for both of you.

“And don’t skip any more meals.” 

The man’s wrinkled skin unfolds at his eyes and he pulls his legs back underneath him. You dry your hands after scrubbing clean in a soapy pot and stand to collect your tools. “I couldn’t find you this evening and I hate to lose track of my guests at mealtime.”

You are going to feed every stray you find until the economy collapses. Peasant monks, pickpockets– you’d put up a demon if its stomach growled. After too many unnoticed minutes watching you, following the white x between your patterned shoulders, eating your voice, warming the hallway, you finally pick out Sanemi’s eyes in the dark behind the sliding door. He’s waiting for you. You clear your throat for the broke old pilgrim one last time, “You don’t owe any money. Do not skip meals.” And bid him a wordless good night. The door cracks shut behind you. It isn’t late enough for sunset. Thunderstorms make it so dark so quickly and they mask the scent of blood with all their rain and iron. “What is it?” You deadpan and shuffle towards the stairs with all the confidence in the world a tenured hashira will work to keep up with you.

“Not fucking finishied with you,” Sanemi grunts, working to keep up with you. The apron over your service kimono forces your hips to sway in tight little circles and Sanemi sucks his teeth. He doesn’t look away.

Through the hallway and down the servant stairs, socks on polished wood, you tap, tap, tap nimbly to your next assignment. The room below radiates heat and life. “What do you want?” you whisper.

“I–” he slips barefoot on the slick last step into the kitchen and you stumble in your newly damp right sock. “Euh, I–”

“Mimiko!”

“Lady?”

“Wet.” You point behind you, palming Sanemi out of the way, and a free washerwoman dives for the spot with the rag tucked into her belt. The kitchen rages silently in the easternmost corner of the mansion; men and women sweat over donabe, rinse their body weights in rice, and beat little fires with littler fans. Two women and a boy linger just outside the paper door in clothes that match yours for formality and Sanemi assumes as he weaves through the bustle, that they are responsible for bringing food to customers and for doing everything they can not to sweat through their pretty borrowed uniforms. Your own kimono is purple tonight, a cool little shape bobbing nimbly between flames.

Sanemi opens his mouth to shout after you and shuts it again just as quickly to grind his teeth instead as you lift your apron over your head. You let a girl feed you a spoonful of something on your way out of the room and she wiggles when you nod several times before ducking through the door.

Laundry next, then a double check of the firewood cache and the whole while Sanemi occupies your shadow. A few times you hiss over your shoulder at him for looking so gruff, for looking like a bodyguard, for making your customers imagine your distrust of them, always you bite back before he can get more than a few words out but mostly you just scurry in preparation for the storm picking up warm wind outside.

You avoid the entrance with him so close in tow, armed and obstinate, but make a show of circling both tatami halls where guests come after dinner on rainy nights to stretch and smoke by the brazier with strangers. A female musician trills her koto. The sky hasn’t let loose a single drop of rain yet but wet hangs like a fog and thunder scents the air ahead of its arrival. As Sanemi trails the outer walkway of the mansion behind you, the sky bleeds with the last of day’s light in the cracks between bruised and racing storm clouds.

“Second floor secure?” You confirm with the men slotting thick panels into grooves where paper doors usually go. They nod in their white uniforms. Beyond the porches, beyond the east garden and its fat green vegetables, beyond dogwood trees and sarusuberi and maples that have begun to tremble violently in winds buffeted by humidity and nightfall, the wisteria arbor glows. You radiate a cool purple pull beside him just like your flowers.

The arbor surrounds the property on all sides for half a mile and all three paths away from the house are barred by gates of twisting wisteria vine. The inn belongs to your family, but does not serve Ubuyashiki. Theirs is not the only house that discovered a use for these flowers. Yours is not the only wisteria business in the country. 

“Do you see that?” You murmur at so much the same tone as the wind that Sanemi almost cannot hear you.

Three years ago he left before the end of summer, called away to investigate a massacre nearby. A tree fell that season. It crushed a straight path through the edge of the mountain forest and onto your property where, lured by so much blood and wine, a pair of sister demons descended through the broken orchard and devoured everyone who wasn’t fast enough to hide in the flowers like the slayer suggested they should in an emergency. Your parents evacuated the house and died in it with the guests who couldn’t walk on their own. Nestled under three braided vines at the far edge of the property, you listened to them die.

The winds kick up sand from your vegetable garden and you step off the porch into the start of the storm. Tiny and purple. “Y/n!” Sanemi lunges for you. His sword whips the meat of his thigh and you step out of his way before he can grab any part he intended to. The men on the porch watch you both scramble through the backyard. You snap at the strange guest and duck when he swings a hand towards you, hop in your sandals when he tries to trip you into his arms and dart away like a dragonfly.

“Get back here!”

“Go inside!”

“Y/n!”

“How dare you!”

“Motherfucking, Y/n!” 

“That’s enough!” You bark and twist back towards the garden shed. Your pupil left the door wide open and all its shining tools caught your eye across the yard. Sanemi was staring when you stepped outside. His eyes feel like beads of sweat on the few bare parts of you. His gaze is all teeth on the back of your neck.

With all but one storm door up, not a single guest can hear the ruckus you two kick up outside in the prologue of the storm. “It’s about to pour!”

“Then go join the other guests!” You shout through a particularly violent breeze and you have to grip to the break in your kimono closed. He does not. By the time you lay a winded hand on the wall of the shed, it has started to rain.

A silencing wall of water falls from the back of the property straight towards you. It kills dust clouds in its path and paints every surface soaked in a perfectly straight line. Sanemi rushes from behind and nearly lifts you off your feet to get inside the shed as you watch the supernatural army advance on your home.

“Shit,” he grumbles and winces when the rain overcomes the little shed and splashes off the pavement into his face. He pulls you deeper inside and you jolt. The first crack of thunder is a scream that shakes the ground, “Scared of thunder now?”

“Scared of my profit margins, you oaf.”

Under his shoulder you are glaring at the storm between this shitty stuffy shed and your business. You are so small and wrapped so tightly in layer after layer of fabric. It must be hot. The damp drips down his open chest and thighs, it frizzes his hair at his ears. You must be sweating somewhere in that formal getup. Wet glistens at the curled little hairs on the back of your neck where the skin is just barely visible and it sparkles under your high collar.

“I can’t walk back inside soaked,” you groan, “there’s not enough time to change before final rounds.”

Sanemi takes his hand off his sword. There must be damp parts of you hiding from him. He brushes his knuckle up the bare skin of your neck, across your throat, and you falter slightly.

“Sanemi–”

“Nuh uh, don’t address me so familiarly,” he smirks and cups your cheek in his big hand when you jerk around.

“That’s not–!”

“Not what?” He smiles now, and drops his hand back to his sword so that you might find your own weapon and finish the fight. Four years of this.

You shove a finger into his chest, “You’re such a clingy fuck Shinazugawa,” and shout a little because you know the thunder will hide it. A sudden gust blows the sheet of rain sideways and straight inside the open door of the garden shed, up your dress and down his robes and through your prettily pinned hair. “Y/n this, y/n that, I’m busy Sanemi, I’m stuck in a shed! You’re the only one who calls me and people think we’re fucking! You want my attention you have it so please tell me all about the demons that’re gonna slurp up my customers and fuck my taxes to shit and–”

The door creaks in Sanemi’s hands even through the oceanic sounds of storm when he begins to close it. He nods as you get louder, nods as he slides the door closed and flicks the latch.

“Do not,” you growl, “there’s five thousand–”

“Five thousand little bitches in there lost without direction? They’re fine, Y/n.”

“Don’t call me that here.”

“They’ll survive, little lady.”

You spit, “not better.” And the new humidity of the closed shed begins to swallow you whole. It fills your throat. “What about all the demons you’ve been crying about?”

“You’re such a cocky cuss.”

“And you’re needy,” you taunt. It’s Sanemi’s turn to wince and his frustration starts to drip from all those places he shoves it away from you. He's been gentle with you since that summer. He lets you interrupt him, he follows where you go. “I watched you check perimeters this morning, you don’t need to talk to me about demons.”

“Eyes everywhere huh?” His throat is pink, “Lady of the house.”

You grin and pull him by the loops of his robe into your tiny purple kiss, “Shut up.”

“M’lady,” he growls against your lips and succumbs.

Four years of stolen touches, lips on damp summer skin, coming out of empty rooms too ruffled and pulling the hashira between your legs without disturbing the folds of your work kimono. “Don’t call me that either,” your breath hisses against his throat like an iron and he drops his sword quickly to gather you in his arms.

Too much fabric. Shovels and shears clatter against the floor and one another when the thunder shakes their little house again, and they tremble at every thump and roll of your body against Sanemi’s. He pulls your hips against his and guides your legs around his waist so he can sink into those soft parts of you. So he can tilt his head back to look up at you, so you can pour your kisses down his throat like wine.

You drag your nails up the back of his head when he offers his tongue to your lips, biting, suckling, drawing out gentle sounds and eating them before they compete with the rain outside. Where his hips dig into your own the folds of your skirt fall apart. Legs that glisten with sweat and rain part nicely for him and his own robes grow clingy with exertion where he grinds hard against you. Every subtle roll breaks your concentration in kisses, in lips sliding, begging with salvia and rainwater. His hands cup your cheeks, thighs, the collar of your kimono shudders open for him when he dips to suck bruises under your jaw and the swordsman’s hand loses control as he grips your belt to free you from all this formality. He’ll press crescents into your breasts, he’ll lower his tongue through your peach sweet folds and drink until you cry– but you pull his head back with a sharp yank of your wrist.

Your breath comes in clouds. The inn glows with candlelight across the yard but the light through the shed’s window is too weak. Welts of lighting illuminate the flush of your chest and cheeks. Two seconds of bright and twelve of dark warmth, shaking swirling thunder and then only rain. Sweat rolls from your temples and into the depths of your kimono. It’s been days since he’s had you like this and longer since you’ve had true privacy, others a whole yard away.

You can’t be gone long, he knows. Staff watched you race in here together, watched him shut the door, he knows he knows, he just can’t put you down yet. He leans in for another kiss and you let him fall close enough for his chest to crush yours before pulling back on his hair again.

“Y/n,” he’s suddenly not above begging but you hold his gaze tight. You watch him as your hand slips between the place your bodies meet. Pretty fingers reach for the heat between his legs. Pretty knuckles ghost over the swell of his robes and draw the fabric aside instead of ordering he bring you back inside. Sanemi’s cock perks up in free air as high as this position will let it and rests heavy under the swell of your ass.

He kisses you again, toothy and smiling and when you kiss him back your sharpest teeth clink together. He ruts into your desperation against the wall, harder than the rain, harder than the wind that threatens to blow your shed away and you with it. Obviously he wouldn’t let it but the thought that nature might be jealous of the rumple you made of each other drives him harder against you. Slipping, cock hard and suddenly shifted up against the hair under your belly. Peach fuzz yields to warm slick and Sanemi drops his head to your chest when he shudders to avoid whimpering into your mouth. He slips through your folds with a tight hold still under your thighs and drags himself up, down, up, hypnotized always by the faces you make when you’re trying to keep quiet.

The scars across his body are forever numb, but when your clammy hands paw is his chest he swears he can smell color. He can touch light when you pull his face back to yours frantically, when your hips with all their fabric flowing off of them buck sloppily against his, when he thrusts once deeply inside of you and forces a broken gasp from the back of your throat.

Before you can catch your breath your lips have crashed against his and his hips against yours. Sanemi keeps the relentless, restless, starving pace you like and knows he’ll last only the next few minutes before the worst of the storm blows over. Again and again he carves a palace for himself inside of you. You guide him with the falter of your kisses when he finds that perfect spot and with the slick that coats both of your thighs. Your voice escapes you in choked whimpers, his name comes out in hiccups. You’re a little bell in his arms folded in half and singing for him.

Again and again, out and so deep back inside, Sanemi’s feet grip the floor as he plunges his hips into yours and both of your bodies into the swelling wood walls. His rhythm staggers as you flutter around him and with his head against your shoulder he watches the circles you draw on your clit with the tips of four clumsy fingers as your other hand muffles your voice. He grabs that quieting wrist without thinking and without taking his eyes off the place your bodies connect with lewd squelches and sticky white threads. His threatening grip, his thick cock and your fingers push you right over the lip of your pleasure and fluttering becomes milking spasms quicker than Sanemi can think to treat you gently. That half-sobbing voice he loves so much cheers him towards his own climax and the more sensitive you grow the easier it is to coax those sounds out of you that you try to keep hidden, “Don’t– don’t be so quiet.”

“Inside,” you whisper in reply and draw his face into your hands as his pounding stutters in pace and loses all flow completely under your dreamy gazes. Sanemi can’t keep his eyes open when he cums. His pretty lilly lashes flutter with lost concentration. He shudders, ruts you deeper into the wall and groans with release as he fills those swollen wet parts of you. Warmth pools in your belly and trickles off his cock still buried. Sweat falls like the rain outside.

“Wanna taste,” Sanemi rumbles without setting you down or stilling his thrusts fully. He nuzzles somehow farther into the dip of your collarbones. Soft snow white hair, a heartbeat in the fingers that grip you. Every twitch of his hips is a starving ache.

“C'mon,” you grin, “dinner’ll get cold.”

“Let me taste you.”

“Sanemi, what will I eat if you eat me?”

“Have a few ideas,” he smiles back through the trembling of the shed in encores of thunder and gale. A leak tip tap tip taps nearby. Four years of this, maybe more.

[tossyouforedinburgh]

I wrote something and it didn't really seem long enough to post on ao3 but like... vaguely adult content I guess? I've still not figured how that works (or doesn't) on Tumblr. so have it under the cut. short ineffable phonecall about wall slams

"are you on your way?" Aziraphale asked cheerfully down the phone by way of hello. 

"oh. er. Angel, look, I've had a really shitty day, I think I'm going to stay in my flat and watch shitty TV until I fall into a shitty sleep. I think there's a new series of Love Island on." 

Aziraphale had no idea what that was but he didn't think it sounded like particularly good viewing. "if you're going to wallow and sulk, you can do it at mine. I've got wine, and you can tell me about your awful day and I can make very sympathetic noises." 

"no. I would be extremely poor company." Crowley made a point of switching on the TV and turning it up loud enough it could be heard through the phone. 

"oh I've been tolerating your moods for thousands of years," Aziraphale replied airily. 

"Angel." Crowley gritted his teeth. "I am trying. to tell you. that I don't WANT. to take my bad mood out. on you." 

the pause that followed was unreasonably long. Crowley felt his layers of irritation grow; he was trying to do a considerate thing, trying to grow as a person. if Aziraphale didn't appreciate his efforts he could go stick it. and if he didn't stop being so difficult he was going to find out exactly where in some graphic detail.

"but..." Aziraphale began awkwardly. "I rather think the angelic thing to do would be to absorb your bad mood for you. if you let it fester out into the world, that would be terrible, wouldn't it? but I, well I am a creature of, of love and such like, you couldn't harm me by being grumpy." 

this was utter bullshit and it made Crowley's teeth itch. what the fuck was he doing now? was he actually angling for Crowley to snap at him? 

"I don't mind. I could leave all the doors ajar so you could slam them. I... I'll stand near the wall so you can pin me up against it." 

there was another intense silence, but this time it was Crowley's doing. oh, he was. he was deliberately goading him into this. why would the angel want to be roughed up? completely unwanted, a voice whispered into Crowley's brain: maybe he's into that. angels aren't into that sort of thing, Crowley hissed back in his thoughts. and definitely, absolutely, neither am I. 

"I think it would make you feel better," Aziraphale added very quietly. 

Crowley remembered the last time he had done that very thing; in Tadfield, in an ex Satanic nunnery. he'd pressed his hips up against Aziraphale, just to hold him in place of course, and he'd briefly thought, and then thought it was ridiculous, that the angel might just have had an erection at the time. angels definitely don't get erections from being roughed up in Satanic nunneries. 

"just to be clear," Crowley said, and he'd already switched off the TV and picked up his car keys, "are you doing this to be self sacrificing or because you're... you're..." oh Jesus Christ, Mary, Joseph and a stable full of donkeys, he was actually going to say this out loud because if he didn't say it out loud he was going to spontaneously discorporate. "because you're... getting off on it?" 

there was a very guilty silence. eventually, Aziraphale replied, "are you judging me?" 

"yes. massively. hugely." 

"only I did rather think that time in Tadfield that you definitely got hard holding me against that wall." 

the sound of the Bentley roaring to life rattled out of Aziraphale's old rotary telephone. Freddie Mercury launched into Tie Your Mother Down. "Angel, I'll see you in five minutes. think of something incredibly irritating to say to me as a greeting." and with that Crowley hung up the phone and put his foot down.

[istadris]

Mario : So now that Bowser is dating Luigi, I should be the bigger man and act like a reasonable adult.

Mario : After all, despite the bad blood between us, I trust my brother's judgement and only wish his happiness, and Bowser seems to be sincere in his change of heart.

Mario : Yes, I should lead by example in turning over a new leaf.

Donkey Kong : Or, you COULD get some sweet, sweet payback by showin' the big turtle what it feels like to get your dates interrupted by obnoxious kidnappings.

Mario, grinning maniacally while finishing to unwind a ridiculously big rope: This is why you're my best friend.

(Oh God. he did it. )

[hedgehog-moss]

I was woken up last night by a sound like a machine gun being fired... loud clak-clak-clak that went on for like 10 seconds and I sat in bed completely bewildered because my brain couldn't come up with a plausible explanation for it. Then I remembered about the thunderstorm warning and thought oh shit, the greenhouse. It could possibly be the sound of thick glass cracking and breaking after a branch fell on it...?

I ran outside in my pyjamas and found the greenhouse intact—then thought oh shit, the chicken coop. Had no idea how a chicken coop could produce such a noise but I ran there anyway, and the coop was fine. It was a dry storm, lots and lots of wind but no rain or hail and I stood there uselessly for a moment, trying to think of other explanations with my 3am brain (not easy), then went to check on the llamas just in case, and I found all three of them standing with very alert ears, staring at a fallen tree—one of the four very tall wild cherries in their pasture.

So that was a relief ! From where I was I couldn't see if the tree had crashed on the fence and destroyed a chunk of it, it seemed possible but I decided that was a problem for tomorrow-me, and in any case it could have been worse. The fact that Pampe was still here boded well (for the integrity of the fence)—but seeing as the llamas were lined up in front of the tree like mourners paying their respects at a funeral, maybe she just felt that taking advantage of the tree's misfortune to immediately escape via the opening created by its prostrate body would be inappropriate.

First thing I saw this morning when I opened my bedroom window was the fallen tree, and I started feeling less optimistic because from afar things really didn't look promising for my poor fence.

(And from up close either)

But the tree missed the fence by just a few metres!

Its branches were tangled up with the other trees' branches and I think some of them slowed its fall until they broke one by one, which would explain the prolonged cracking noises, it wasn't just the trunk. But only 1 branch fell on the fence and it wasn't a large one, so there's no damage!

The God of Fences was on my side last night. :)

Consulted on whether he had been frightened by that loud sinister noise in the middle of the night, Pirlouit declined to comment, as he has more tragic problems right now. Our neighbour made hay recently which means Pirou now has several tonnes of hay staring at him and taunting him just outside his pen, out of reach. He is in a bad mood for reasons that have nothing to do with a stupid tree. It's like if you had to live right outside a pastry shop's window, except worse because you're a donkey (they already find life unfair as it is.)

I wonder if the wild cherry tree will soldier on...? Its roots + part of the trunk are still intact, and there are fallen trees in the forest with only 1 toe still in the ground who take their fate pretty philosophically and just start growing perpendicularly, like okay I guess we're sending our branches in that direction now. I'm going to leave it here and see if it rallies. I think it actually looks pretty breezy right now, it kind of looks like this:

Good luck, wild cherry! Let's see if you still have some life in you...

Oh and since we had a new obstacle, I tried to check if Pandolf remembered the word "Saute !" (Jump) and he does! We did it a bunch of times because I was trying to make him understand that I wanted 1 majestic jump and not his lazy 2-steps solution, but I didn't manage to explain it.

Maybe if I said "no :/" instead of "good great what a dog!!" he would think harder about how to improve his technique, but I'd rather fluff up his ego. Even that ridiculous failure at the end was met with a "yes amazing!!" response from me and he felt like an agility champion instead of a bumbling bag of fur. I'm going to try and get him to find his balance and walk on this part of the trunk, so I expect to see a lot more of his "argh, oops, wait" facial expression :)

[dont-offend-the-bees]

If the Shoe Fits, Then I Won’t Try It On

Omg I made it! Threw this one together today, so might not be my best! But thanks to my pal @every-moment-a-different-sound making these gorgeous gifs for my fic Outside Looking In, and also @wordsinhaled writing this lovely little fic inspired by it, I felt compelled to pop back in and give the disguise altar egos a little love! So this one is set pre-canon, about seven years into the boys' friendship/detective agency, and it's the first outing of the disguises (in their very early and imperfect forms! I like to think Charles has been experimenting over the years and the ones we've seen in show are just like, the latest versions!). It can really only be called case fic by the barest technicality but it's the best I got xD There's some nebulous Edwin gender-feelings, I'll leave it up to your personal preferences/interpretation whether it's a bit of transfem/nonbinary/genderqueer joy or just a boy's formative experience with drag, this baby can fit so much gender!! And references to fictionalised alcohol abuse, gambling and infidelity, but it's all just banter and tall tales, really. 2k, T-rated, also available on Ao3. Thanks again, @painlandweek!

"Perhaps we ought to rethink this strategy," Edwin muttered, fussing with his skirts.

"Relax, it'll be fine," said Charles. "No one's gonna suspect anything."

"They may suspect something," said Edwin. His voice sounded different, but the tone was one Charles had heard a thousand times before — pessimistic and haughty. Edwin seemed to pick up extra helpings of poshness when he was rattled. "They needn’t ascertain the exact nature of our ruse to know we're playing one."

"What? You think they're gonna be expecting someone to go in for fake marriage counselling?" Charles laughed.

"Stranger things have happened, Charles." Edwin spread his hand and swept it, gesturing between them and their magical disguises. "Q.E.D."

Charles looked at him blankly.

"Quod erat demonstrandum."

"Mate. They haven't taught Latin in that school for donkey's years."

Edwin made a noise of frustration — it had a bit of a high pitched, trilling quality with his fancy new vocal chords. "What I mean to say is that you and I are — figuratively speaking — living proof that real life is stranger than fiction."

"Well, yeah. But only to people who know ghosts exist," Charles reasoned. "And if this lady knew that, our client wouldn't've needed to come to us, would she? She'd've haunted the information out of her already."

Edwin exhaled, a quick, nasal huff like a bull, and pinched the bridge of his nose. His fingers bumped the chunky plastic frames of his enchanted glasses. "Pity. If she could see us, there'd be no need of these ridiculous costumes."

"I think we look brills," Charles beamed, proudly straightening out his big red rain mac. Sure, the disguises weren't perfect — he was still getting the hang of tweaking the enchantment. And yeah, he'd ballsed up his own bald spot at first, made it too big and just a little bit sort of... Australia-shaped. But all in all, he thought they looked mint! No one was gonna suspect them of anything, couple of old geezers. Who'd think they were a crack detective team?

Edwin was obviously having a harder time settling into character. He kept on faffing about with his unfamiliar layers of flowy clothing. Kept tugging on his little blue cashmere scarf, changing his mind on the drape of it — getting thrown whenever a tug of the fabric dislodged the waves of hair on his shoulders. Charles really hadn't got the hang of hair, just yet. He'd been aiming for something a bit classic and classy for Edwin, something honey-blonde and neatly coiffed. Instead he'd ended up with straw-like, brittle strands of peroxide white with... maybe just a hint of green. Charles would have to get that sorted out sharpish before they brought these disguises out again. Edwin would never let himself walk around looking less than his best if he had any say in it!

Charles turned to him, properly, grabbing Edwin's restless hands away from his scarf. "Eds. You look fine. Nice, even! Leave it."

Edwin glared at him, brow wrinkled. If Charles was being honest, the weirdest thing about seeing Edwin like this wasn't the fact that he looked blonder or older or, well. Like a woman. No, weirdest thing by far was how much thinner his eyebrows were. Charles had probably made them a bit too thin, he'd have to fix that, too. They were decent eyebrows! Visible, at least. But they were skinny and pale and neatly plucked, no little dusty dark hairs in between. Charles sort of missed them. He'd gotten used to those thick, dark brows scrunching up at him like grumpy caterpillars when Edwin was ticked off about something.

"It hardly matters if I look nice, Charles," he said, with a little belligerent flick of his hair that sent it flying. Charles probably should've made him a hairband or something — all long and loose, Edwin couldn't seem to get his hair off his mind. "But I do need to look convincing."

"You do! It's a good disguise, mate — made it special, didn't I?"

"I never said it wasn't." Edwin sighed, eyes fluttering closed a moment. Charles winced — maybe he'd overdone it a bit with the eyeshadow. There was a bit of colour-clashing going on, but hey-ho. Sort that in the next edit, too. "I am not concerned with the quality of the work, Charles."

"What is it, then?" asked Charles, dropping Edwin's hands to squeeze his shoulders instead. "What's got you all het up?"

Edwin shifted on his feet. His high heels clicked on the concrete porch. "I am merely concerned that I'm not... wearing it well," he said, a little bit through his teeth. "I don't want to compromise the entire investigation because I'm unable to act in a... befitting manner."

"Well, you're not gonna. Mate, you're doing brills." Charles smoothed down the big, floppy collar on Edwin's trenchcoat — he tried to do a Casablanca thing, but he might've gone a bit overboard — and grinned at him. "You're a natural. The way you stand all straight and that. Christ, you could've been walking in them heels for years! You're smashing it. For reals."

Edwin ducked his head, with the smallest smile. It was so Edwin that Charles could almost see the shape of him through the disguise; high, sharp bones under those rouged apple cheeks. Could almost spy that little spot on his chin. Actually, the chin wasn't a million miles off Edwin's own, with that barely noticeable little dimple in the middle. Maybe Charles had been taking some inspiration, subconsciously.

"I don't come across... peculiar?" asked Edwin.

"No. 'Course not." Charles sighed and patted his shoulders. "But look. If it's too weird for you, I can be the girl."

Edwin's brow twitched.

Alright. So maybe Charles could've worded that better. He coughed and took a step back, shoving hands in his pockets. "I mean, y'know. Bet I can manage it. How hard can it be? Probably won't be as like, chic as you, but I could give it a go."

Edwin pursed his lips, looking off to the side. He was fiddling with the rings on his fingers — maybe Charles had overdone them too, a bit.

"It... doesn't feel strange," said Edwin, quiet as a mouse. He couldn't seem to look Charles in the eyes. "It doesn't feel strange at all."

Charles smiled, all warm in the chest. Edwin had been a closed-off, buttoned-up sort of chap as long as Charles had known him — seven years and counting. Every time he offered up something of himself, Charles wanted to cup it in his hands.

"Oi," he said, gently, waiting for Edwin to look at him. "Suits you, mate."

Edwin smiled again, a barely-there twitch of his tinted lips. But he gathered himself quickly, clearing his throat and adjusting his scarf. "Well. We'd best be be getting on. We're due for our 'appointment' any minute now."

"Right."

"Shall we walk through the plan once more?"

"Go in, introduce ourselves, spin a backstory for a bit, make her think we're legit," said Charles. "Angle for a bit of one-on-one time. I keep talking, see if I can get her to slip up, drop us a hint — while you sneak off, search the office."

"Spot on," said Edwin, with a brisk nod. "According to our client, this woman writes down everything. No doubt she stores her more sensitive journals somewhere apart from the rest, somewhere discreet. Find the journals..."

"Find the body," Charles agreed, tilting his head side to side to crack his neck. "She'll have written down what she did with it for sure."

"Precisely. Right. That's the aim." Edwin steepled his fingers. "And we are...?"

"Edie and Colin Cromley," Charles replied, automatic. He should bloody well hope he knew that one — he'd had to put up with Edwin calling him Colin all night, trying to get him into character.

"Correct. And we are here because of discord in our marriage, resulting in my alcohol dependence and your extramarital affair."

Charles frowned. "Right..."

Edwin cocked his head a little. "Is there a problem?"

"You, uh. You ever actually been drunk before, mate?"

"Not as such, no," said Edwin, primly. "But, as we've quite thoroughly ascertained, I've never been a woman before, either."

Charles snorted. "Yeah, yeah. Fair point."

Edwin's manicured finger hovered over the doorbell. "Right. Are we quite ready?"

"Yeah," Charles mumbled, fidgeting on his feet. "Yeah, s'pose."

Slowly, Edwin lowered his hand. "Charles. We must be on the same page if we're to go inside and sell a convincing fiction."

"Just... feels a bit weird, is all."

"Why? You've always enjoyed undercover work in the past."

Charles shrugged. "Just... feels off. I wouldn't do that to you, y'know? Cheat, I mean. If we were married."

Edwin stared at him. "But we're... not married."

"Yeah, obviously." Charles felt all hot in the face, embarrassed. He should've just kept his big mouth shut. "Just saying, like — I wouldn't mess around on you like that. Or anyone," he added, quickly, because he was making things weird again, fuck's sake —

"Charles," said Edwin, amused. "Are you having ethical qualms about the character you're playing in this scenario?"

And alright, yeah. It sounded bloody ridiculous when you put it like that. Charles huffed out a laugh. "Yeah, yeah, I know. Just — it's hard, yeah? Dunno how I'd even pretend I'd screw you around like that."

Edwin hummed, toying thoughtfully with the dangly end of his scarf. "Perhaps... I could play the unfaithful partner?"

"You want to?"

"... No. No, not particularly." He pressed his fists together. "Hm. Perhaps infidelity is the wrong narrative for Mr. and Mrs. Cromley."

"Not believable, is it?"

Edwin chuckled. "No. No, I suppose not. Hm. Back to the drawing board..."

Charles mulled it over, tugging on his earlobe. "How about... right, okay, how about, yeah, if I have a secret gambling problem?"

"That does feel more authentic — we've had plenty of words about your impulsive decision-making," Edwin teased. He nodded, eyes sharp as he formulated the new story in that big brain of his. "Very well, a gambling problem is it. You've been losing money at the races —"

"Reckon I'm more of a footie bloke. Big bets on the big games."

"You've been losing money at various sporting events," Edwin corrected, rolling his eyes. "And the extent of your debt has recently come to my attention."

"You should see how much I lost on the cricket world cup," said Charles, seriously.

"Oh, believe you me, I did. Hence, marriage counselling."

"And boozing."

"Indeed. I knew the problem needed addressing a month ago," said Edwin, fingers gesticulating as he spun his little yarn. "When I visited our local public house for a consolatory tipple and became positively sozzled on sherry."

Charles chuckled. "Sure you wanna go with sherry?"

"Is it not appropriate?"

"I mean. It's fine," said Charles, raising his hands. "Nothing wrong with it! Just doesn't sound like your usual sort of, uh, blackout drunk sort of booze. Never heard of anyone going on a sherry bender."

"Well, what would be your suggestion?" Edwin challenged.

Charles wasn't actually sure, come to think of it. What did middle-aged classy ladies drink to get sloshed? "Um... well. Me and the lads used to get pissed on White Lightning after school."

"Very well, then. I overindulged on White Lightning. Happy?"

"Aces."

"Right. Well, now that's all straightened out..." Edwin lifted his finger to the bell again. "Shall we?"

"Go for it."

Edwin rang the bell — and when he dropped his hand, Charles picked it up. Edwin looked at him, quizzical.

"What?" said Charles. "Meant to be a couple, in't we?"

"One in the throes of marital strife," said Edwin, a little smile on his lips. "I doubt we'll be expected to be affectionate."

"Right. 'Course not," Charles agreed — but he didn't let go.

Edwin chuckled, and stayed put. His hand felt small, smaller than it ever had the few times Charles had held it — usually when he was hauling Edwin out of harm's way. Small and bony, lined with soft wrinkles, dotted in sun spots. Couldn't be much further from Edwin's long, lean, smooth hands if it tried.

But it fit in Charles' hand just the same.

~~

Hope you liked it! Probs won't be one tomorrow unless I can whip up something suuuuper short/quick or I find an existing WIP to polish off, but there'll defo be fic on Sunday! Thank you so much for all your love and comments I seriously appreciate them beyond words 💛💛💛💛💛💛

[piratecaptainscaptainpirates]

It's so striking, and it comes up over and over again in the show once you watch for it, how much Ed's issues with himself tie into being consistently de-personed by others.

Growing up, Ed's mother tried to protect him by telling him that some people just aren't meant to have nice things, and he's one of them. Already, he has to be thinking of himself as a lesser version of a person, just growing up the way he has and internalizing messages like that.

And then it escalates. When he makes up stories to protect himself from the terrible reality of killing his father to protect himself and his mother, Ed makes himself into a monster that he describes as the scariest thing he's ever seen.

As an adult, in what we see alone, it happens over and over again. The racist French captain compares him to a donkey. At the party, he's exoticized and treated as a party trick, not a person, and people act like they're entitled to touch his beard, like he's just a funny prop. Izzy especially is very bad for removing Ed's humanity - "this thing you've become," he says in s1e10, like Ed's a thing and not a person, and more obviously describing Ed as a literal "wild dog" that needed to be put down (still makes my lip curl, fuck), and then describing him as a shark later. It all serves to paint this image of Ed as a thing that behaves randomly and unpredictably, and remove the burden of needing to empathize and treat Ed like a fellow human being. It's not hard to understand how consistent abuse and ridicule can lead to reactive violence, but that would require treating Ed like a person. Even his kitty collar during his probation - it's like Ed is so constantly treated like a wild animal who needs to be managed and controlled rather than a human being.

It's heartbreakingly rare for Ed to have others treat him like a human being who is equally deserving of respect and care. Stede and Jackie do, and the crew are absolutely getting there with him, but Ed is so accustomed to being treated less than human. It's one of the things I would've loved to see in s3, Ed just...getting to be a regular dude.

[ozzgin]

Can I request a yandere Katsumi who has the hots for his first and only female student?

It feels a little bit like presenting a dish before Gordon Ramsay on Hell’s Kitchen or something, but as you wish ma’am. Let us hope I don’t make a donkey out of myself.

Yandere! Katsumi Orochi x Student! Reader

Featuring the karate prodigy and a female reader that’s impressed him beyond just fighting skills.

[Baki Masterlist]

It’s not a given for everyone, but some people just seem to be gifted for a particular vocation, inclined towards a certain calling. While Katsumi is widely envied for his quick learning and masterful karate prowess, the one place where he shines most, where his skill is unequivocally unmatched, is in the dojo. Specifically before students. One can easily tell him apart, even among names of greater authority such as Doppo Orochi. Pupils naturally flock to him, you included.

Your case, however, is a little bit of an exception. Out of random circumstance you happen to be the only female student at the Shinshinkai Dojo. Truth be told, Katsumi had opposed your membership at first. He takes pride in his neutral approach and equal treatment when it comes to his pupils. So when the men started to whisper, snicker and whistle secretly behind your back, he could only grit his teeth in shame and frustration. He would’ve liked to scold them, tell them that this is a sacred place dedicated only to martial arts and other temptations are to be kept strictly out. But he, too, found you attractive. He would’ve been lying to everyone, including himself. Hereby the conflict: accepting you as a student would’ve been tainted by impure thoughts, but denying to train you would’ve stripped him of his dignity as a teacher. He promised to fix his inappropriate attitude instead; after all, discipline is part of the art.

All that being said, he doesn’t regret his decision. You’re awfully talented and often remind him of his own karate journey. You only need the slightest push in order to grasp most techniques and you’ve gone above and beyond his expectations in conquering the basics. The veiled, flirty glances from the other fighters have been replaced by somber, respectful nods as your reputation continues to increase with each rank. Katsumi would go as far as calling you a true prodigy. Admiration aside, only one small issue remains: not only has his initial crush remained with stubborn vehemence, but it appears to have turned into full blown, sickening infatuation. To put it mildly, he’s obsessed.

Is he really to blame here? It’s as if everything about you has been carefully chiseled to his liking. “Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man. The man said, ‘This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called ‘woman’, for she was taken out of man.’” You are the Eve to his Adam, a genesis of love that was fated to return to him. There is no other explanation. Indeed, the more he tries to rationalize it, the clearer his purpose becomes. Out of all the places, the timelines, the people, the fact that against all millions of variables your encounter settled on him…His desire is not to be disciplined. Not anymore. One has to acknowledge the ridiculousness of battling destiny itself.

Then he shall no longer tamper with matters that are predestined. In fact, he might just lend fate a helping hand. His patience is reserved for teaching, not romantic affairs. He needs an opportunity to have you alone without interruptions, and conveniently enough you’ve asked him to stay behind today. You can barely conceal your cheeky smile as you slide the canvas door open. As promised, Katsumi is standing near the wall, hands folded behind his back. You can feel your heart pounding, but you muster up the courage to approach him. You’ve been training hard and he’s had nothing but praise for you. A nervous blush tints your face as you bat your eyelashes, calculating your next words. Katsumi’s eyes narrow in adoration. It’s alright, he knows. “How may I help you, (Y/N)?” He nudges you expectantly. “I’ve been wondering about it…I was afraid of your response, but I need to let it out nonetheless. I think I’m ready for the next step.” Oh God, here it comes. He can barely contain himself. Just say the words, and he’ll take you right here and now. “I know it hasn’t been that long, but I really think I’m ready for the upcoming competition. Is there truly no way for me to sign up, even with my current belt?”

Huh. His mouth hangs open for longer than he would’ve preferred. Is this…is this why you’ve called him here? He looks around the room, as if expecting some cameramen to pop out and announce it was all a prank and (Y/N) actually meant to confess her unwavering attraction to him. Your smile slowly fades seeing his increasingly frantic expression. He grunts. “I’m sorry, if you think I’m not ready yet I can-“ He lifts a hand to your face and firmly grabs your jaw. Shut up, please. He walks over to the door, pulling you after him, and hastily checks the hallway for people. It’s empty. With the other free hand he slams the door shut. The dojo will remain closed until morning at least. Plenty of time to set you straight. It’s fine, he’s calm. Oh, you silly, sweet darling (Y/N). He loves this innocent obliviousness of yours. There are other important matters at hand. You try to remove his fingers from your face, but Katsumi’s arm is tense and stiff, refusing to budge. You’re suddenly very cold. His gaze is different and it scares you. You don’t recognize the possessed, hollow eyes that pierce into you. But here’s where you’re mistaken, they’re not hollow at all. On the contrary, they’re overflowing with adoration and worship. You just haven’t realized it yet.

[upsidedownwithsteve]

Bad For Business: Level Ten

Steve Harrington x fem!reader [4K] An enemies to lovers AU. Join the team at the Upside Down Arcade, where the machines eat your quarters and the staff have some personal issues. Stay tuned for the Pick Your Own Adventure polls to progress in the story.

“Who’s Logan Duncan?”

You faltered, hands slipping over the buttons of Dig Dug as you looked over at Steve. The game beeped angrily at you as one of the tiny dragons took your last life. You frowned, annoyed, and tried to not let the embarrassment of Steve’s question show on your face. 

You were the last two in the arcade, dealt another closing shift together because everyone else got the chance to reject Murray’s question first. Your name was pencilled in beside Steve’s on the staff schedule and due to recent events, it didn’t really bother you as much as it used to. You’d both spent the majority of closing playing on the machines, smirking at each other at every win and pointedly ignoring the bucket of soapy water you should’ve been using to clean the Icee stain that Dustin Henderson created over by Donkey Kong. 

“Who?” You tried and failed to sound nonchalant.

Steve frowned too, holding up a piece of wrinkled paper that had a phone number scrawled on it, a name underneath with the instructions to ‘call me.’ You’d thought nothing of it when the stranger had slipped it to you across the desk that afternoon. The guy - Logan - had been nice enough, fairly handsome with short blonde hair and a nice smile who’d tried all afternoon to win enough tickets for his little sister. 

But that didn’t matter. 

“This guy,” Steve waved the slip of paper in front of you, scowling when you shoved another coin into the machine. Dig Dug started up again, beeping like it was arguing with him. “It fell out of your jacket when I was cleaning the office.”

You snorted, your eyes back on the screen even though you knew Steve was staring at you. “Nobody cleans the office, Steven.”

Steve ignored this, staring down at the note. The handwriting was much neater than his, he noticed. “So, are you gonna call him? This Logan guy, I’m guessing he wants a date, you gonna go?” He said the strangers name in an exaggerated drawl, like it was a ridiculous thing to be called.

“Are you jealous?” You asked, a smile starting at the corners of your mouth, lifting your lips too easily. Dig Dug was still playing, the digitised beeps filling the silence as you tore your gaze away from your tunnels to look at the boy. 

Steve was pink and glaring, rosy cheeked as he scowled at you. He would’ve argued back immediately if it weren’t for the pit of his stomach turning over. He knew he was flushed, the tips of his ears no doubt red, but he felt fucking green. He’d been hooking up with you for the past month, nothing promised, nothing spoken about. Just the usual teasing and arguments broken up by frantic make out sessions in the back of his car, his fingers slipping under your skirt when you were both still fuzzy with sleep and early for a shift. 

It had been a month of pulling at clothes, little patience had when it came to getting the other one as undressed as possible in a half hour lunch break. You lied easily to your friends, your parents, your co-workers, hardly feeling guilty as you snuck out your bedroom window and into the BMW that was parked half way down the street. The way Steve made you feel was too good to feel guilty over. 

And that was becoming a problem. 

“Jealous?” Steve repeated. “Me? No. No!”

He was cute when he floundered, you realised. Always handsome, but especially cute as he stared at you wide eyed and fidgeting, his hands - and Logan’s number - shoved into his pockets before he changed his mind and crossed his arms over his chest instead. 

“Why would I need to be jealous? We’re not- we’re not like, dating or anything.” Steve swallowed hard, biting back the ‘are we?’ he wanted to add onto the end of his statement. “I’m just, you know, wondering.”

The arcade was quiet as you watched the boy struggle through his words, shyness biting at his cheeks, his skin cotton candy pink under the lights. Once again, Dig Dug died and the game beeped at you, the screen flashing brightly. Steve Harrington seemed determined to make you lose your high score, one way or another. 

“No, I guess we’re not,” you mused, making a face that made Steve wonder what your game plan was. You looked too calm, less concerned about the conversation topic than the boy was. “I suppose I should call him then, huh?”

Steve’s frown returned, a deep thing that pinched his brows together and he wrinkled his nose in annoyance. Logan’s number had disappeared from his hold, and you wondered if it was a scrunched up ball in the depths of his jeans pocket. You turned away from the screen, leaning against the machine instead, the low lights of the arcade turning you both into shades of neon and shadows, inky where it wasn’t bright. 

“He doesn’t look your type, princess.”

You grinned, unable to help yourself. For all the years of poking and pressing and teasing each other, a jealous Steve might just be your new favourite game. You pouted, all dramatic, doe eyed and pretty. “He doesn’t?” You brushed an imaginary piece of lint off of Steve’s chest, just for an excuse to touch him. “Tell me, what’s my type, Harrington?”

Steve was on you before you could stop yourself from grinning, your smile devoured by his lips, an angry kiss that was full of frustration. Steve missed you until you gave in, lips melting between his, a pretty push and pull that had enough fight behind it that it made him groan. You let him back you up against the side of Dig Dug, the buzz of the electronics inside making your skin fizz, Steve’s open mouthed kisses down your neck doing the same. 

It’s why you’d started wearing dresses to work, skirts, all flowy and short, easily pulled up in the same way that Steve was doing now. His hands wandered easily, more than used to what you liked, what you wanted, how you felt against him. One hand was on the nape of your neck, keeping your mouth against his, the other trailing fire up your bare thigh. You were just as ready for it all, fingers fisting his hair, pulling him closer as if to prove some kind of point. Steve was pressed up against every inch of you, already half hard from the way you whined when he nipped at your bottom lip. 

“Someone who can turn you on like this,” Steve finally answered, breathless as he was cocky. His fingers slipped under the cotton of your underwear, barely ghosting over your slit but you were wet enough that he moaned alongside you. “Shit, honey, already so needy, huh?” He tutted, all mock condescension, his nose nuzzling against your cheek as he grinned. 

“You’re so fucking annoying,” you told him, but your breath was a little weak, wrecked by lust and you were still clinging onto Steve as he continued to tease two fingers over your folds. 

Steve hummed, barely able to keep himself from laughing. It was a warm wash of hair over your neck, another kiss to your jaw. His fingers explored further, Steve cooing softly when you brought one foot up to press against Space Invaders, spreading yourself wider for him. Steve had you pressed between to arcade machines, hardly hidden, but far away enough from the one working camera above the cash register. 

“You like it,” he reminded you, coaxing another pretty noise from your lips as he rubbed softly over your clit. It was a slow tease, something you both rarely had time for, but Steve seemed intent on proving himself today. “Don’t you? C’mon, princess, you’re usually so chatty for me. Don’t you wanna tell me how much you like it?”

You weren’t sure what Steve was referring to anymore, if he wanted to know that you liked it when he teased you, or if you liked what he was doing to your cunt, those slow, lazy circles on your clit that was making a mess of his hand. 

You whined, impatient and bratty and not wanting to give in. So you curled a hand around Steve’s wrist instead, silently telling him he better not stop. But the boy tsked, a disapproving sound that still made your cunt clench down on nothing, and shit, maybe Steve could tell because he was smirking even wider than before. 

“D’you think Logan could make you feel like this?” Steve cooed, voice dropping an octave, a raspy, warm thing that made you shiver. “Hmm? Think he could touch you this good? I make you come real hard, don’t I princess? Tell me.”

You were panting, eyebrows pinched together, body lazy against Steve’s as you trusted him to keep you upright. You knew the boy wanted an answer, wanted you to give in and beg and plead all pretty, doing everything he could to get your voice that breathy way he loved. 

“You’re- you’re alright,” you tried to tease but you sounded pitchy and desperate, fingers scratching through Steve’s hair just to drop and cling to his shoulders instead. 

Steve grinned when he kissed you, a bruising thing that was meant to make you back down but you licked your tongue over his with as much heat as he did. It wasn’t a secret Steve could make you come. Shit, he could make you come embarrassingly fast, his fingers and tongue well acquainted with every part of you now. His ego was far from bashed at your words, he knew what he did to you, ‘cause you did the same to him. Still, he frowned, a mocking pout on his lips as he tried to pretend you hurt his feelings. Instead, his cock jumped in his jeans, pressing against the denim and he tried his best not to rut against your thigh. 

“Try again, honey.” Steve’s fingers fell away from your clit only to dip inside of you, two curled up just right, thick and stretching you out. His voice was sugar, syrup, sticky sweet and falling onto your skin. “C’mon, I know you wanna be good for me.”

And you did. But old habits die hard so you grinned and cupped Steve’s crotch, palming over the denim until you could wrap your fingers around the outline of his hard cock. You watched his eyes flash and his nostrils flare at your touch, hips jutting forward like he couldn’t help himself. 

“I dunno - mmph - think I could be good for a guy who took me out.”

Steve’s mouth dropped, lips parting and eyes going a little hazy, both at your touch and his words. He leaned in, fingers slowing, a lazy drag in and out, hitting all the right spots and making you squirm. His forehead touched yours, breath fanning over your cheeks and you could smell his cologne, that expensive stuff that now clung to your pillowcases, the jacket you wore the night before when he had you pressed into the backseat of his car. 

“Yeah?” Steve groaned, nose bumping yours, eyes fluttering shut ‘cause you were squeezing the hard length of him, smiling every time his cock twitched in your hold. Still, he didn’t make a move to undo his jeans, happy to let you tease him despite the way he thumbed over your clit. “You wanna go on a date w’me, princess?”

“I didn’t say that,” you panted, always wanting an argument. Your eyes fluttered closed, a fight to keep them open as Steve hooked his fingers and rubbed little circles inside of you. “So full of yourself, Harrington.”

Steve grinned, liking the bite, the fight, the bitchy, bratty side of you that kept him hard as a fucking rock. He kissed at your cheek, sweeter than you deserved. “I think you’ll find you’re full of me, sweetheart.” 

You would’ve rolled your eyes, maybe even snarked back, but Steve sped up his movements and put more pressure on your clit, heat hooking in your stomach and windingwindingwinding. 

“Want you inside me,” you said instead, a whimper clawing at your throat, your hands pulling at Steve’s jean button. “Like, right now.”

Steve let out a noise that was a mix between a moan and a whine; a needy, wrecked thing that only made you even more desperate for him. He’d had you every way bar that, had his fingers and mouth and tongue discovering every part of you, in the back of his car, in the staff room, the store cupboard, your bedroom when your parents left for the weekend. 

But something always happened, time ticked too fast, condoms were lost from impatient fingers behind towers of boxes, police officers shone flashlights into windows and co-workers banged on locked doors. But now. Now…

“You’re - oh shit - you’re tryin’ to distract me from my point,” Steve argued weakly, his eyes closing as you shoved his jeans out of your way and pushed your hand into his boxers. He was hot and hard and leaking, finger barely able to wrap around the girth of him but he hissed at your touch. “We were having a discussion, princess - fuck me, do that again - about, ‘bout a date.”

You pulled the boy into you, pushing up to your toes, up against Steve, your free hand fisting the collar of his T-shirt until he took the hint and kissed you. Hands still played with the other, slow teases that faster and more precise the more your lips touched. 

“Fuck me,” you whispered, a salacious plead that made your body flush with heat but Steve just threw his head back and let you nip at his throat. 

“You’re gonna kill me,” he muttered, fingers slipping from your cunt, leaving wetness against your thigh as he grabbed at you, hitching your leg higher up his hip. He ground into you, pushing his cock further into your hand, crushing his hips into yours. Your dress slipped up, the pretty fabric bunching between you, showing off the wet patch on the front of your underwear and Steve swore down he blanked out, just for a second. “Tell me you wanna go on a date with me, honey. Admit it and I’ll give you whatever you fucking want.”

You weren’t ready to lose this game, this fight. Not yet. So you doubled down and let out a soft whine, a pretty, girlish sound that matched the way you looked up at Steve from beneath your lashes, doe eyed and lips parted, your mouth a pink, pouty thing from all his kisses. You felt his cock throb in your hand and you gave him a little squeeze before you spoke. 

“Don’t you wanna fuck me?” You were whispering, still pressed between the arcade machines and up against Steve, both of you bathed in ultraviolet light. Dig Dug still beeped for attention, an incessant noise, but Steve’s choppy breaths were louder. “Because I want you to fuck me so bad, Steve. Please?”

He groaned, head ripping forward in defeat so you taste the sound on your lips, his teeth nipping at your jaw, your throat. He was losing it, losing the game, losing the fight, losing control. Steve rolled his hips into yours, nudged his nose at your cheek and waited until you met his gaze. His eyes were hooded, darker than ever, burnt caramel under thick lashes. 

“Say ‘please’ again for me,” he murmured, lips brushing over yours, an almost kiss, but you could taste his words and they were spun sugar, they were dripping in sin. “Shit, princess, say ‘please’ again.”

So you smiled, saccharine sweet, pecking at Steve’s lips once, twice before you whispered, “please fuck me, Steve.”

It all happened fast after that, Steve fumbling in his wallet for a condom, the packet falling to the floor before you stepped on the foil, hands pulling at Steve’s boxers, at your own underwear. Cotton and lace got stuffed into Steve’s pocket, his lips kissing a trail over your thighs as he held you pull them off, everything about it messy and frantic. He took a quick lick through your folds while he was on his knees, rough and deep enough that you gasped out, legs buckling, dragging him back up to by his hair to kiss you. He grunted as you licked the taste of yourself off his tongue, his hands grabbing at your waist almost too tight before he told you:

“Turn ‘round, honey.”

The pet names were falling from his mouth too easily, coated in affection because he was too caught up in the way you spun for him, hands braced ok the arcade machine, back arched for him. Even when he called you ‘princess’ now, it was with a fondness that he’d managed to hide before.  

“Fuck, that’s it,” he praised, smoothing a hand over your ass, bringinf your dress up to fist it at your lower back, holding you as he tugged at his cock, once, twice, and gave you the first inch. “Jesus Christ, look at you.”

He was a stretch, something you’d anticipated, because every time you took Steve’s cock in your mouth, your jaw ached and it was a messy, sloppy thing. But Steve loved it, cooing and praising you for every inch you could take, telling you how pretty you looked and now was no different. He palmed at your ass as he slid in a little more, pulling at your cheeks so he could watch the way your pussy sucked him in, pink and pretty and wet. 

He was gone. 

“Yeah, fuck, takin’ my cock so well, honey, does that feel good?” He was rambling, words tripping from his lips too fast, punctuated with harsh pants as he smoothed a comforting hand down your spine. You could only nod and whine in response. “Fucking Christ, she’s such a pretty thing, so greedy, huh? Does she want more?”

Steve slipped a hand round your front, fingers trailing across the soft of your stomach, over the swell of your chest until he found the edge of your sundress and he could pull down the collar, fingertips pulling roughly at a nipple. “Tell me.”

You found your voice then, huffing out a moan before pulling Steve closer by the nape of his neck, your back crushed to his front, the rough denim of his jeans rubbing against your bare ass every time he rocked his hips into you. 

“More, yeahyeahyeah,” you told him, eyes closed, head thrown back against his shoulder so he could kiss and bite and suck at your neck. You were going to be a mess tomorrow, skin littered in six shades of purple because of Steve fucking Harrington. “Harder, Steve.”

He did as you demanded, hand leaving your chest so he could drag it up to your neck and press his fingers to the skin there, firm enough that you got a little wetter, clenching around him as he held you against his chest, fucking up into you at a pace that was quickly making you fall apart. 

“Oh my god, shit, Steve—”

You felt him nod, cheek rubbing against yours sweetly, the beginnings of stubble scraping across your jaw and he kissed away the sting, his lips peppering over your cheek, your chin, your neck. “I know, I know, honey,” he groaned, his voice hoarse, ruined. He moaned out your name, a quiet thing just for you to hear. “Please tell me you’re close.”

You whined an agreement, hips pushing back against Steve’s so he could fuck into you deeper, your cheek leaning against the side of Dig Dug while Steve pounded you from behind. It made you feel a little hazy, body connected to Steve’s, the faraway noises of the arcade melting with the lights, the sound of skin on skin and your stuttered breaths. 

“Touch yourself,” Steve ordered, hips losing their rhythm. He was close. You could tell by the way his hand was clutching at your hip, still holding the hem of your dress as the blunt of his nails scraped over your skin, you could tell by the way he was whispering your name like a fucking prayer. “Touch that clit, honey, show her some love for me.”

You obeyed, too easily, the same way you did when you were on your knees for him and he told you he wanted to watch you touch yourself while he rubbed the head of his cock over your tongue. It was fucking awful, how easily you did what Steve asked. But your middle and pointer found the bundle of nerves and a livewire went through you, body electric, pulsing, buzzing, all with the slick slide of Steve’s hard length slipping in and out of you. You tensed up, jaw dropping, forehead thudding almost too against the game machine. 

“M’gonna come,” you managed to warn the boy, fingers running fast circles between your thighs. “Steve, I’m so fucking close.”

Steve didn’t waste any time, growling something filthy as he let his hand leave your neck to hold you round your tummy instead, hauling you back against him so he could feel every part of him pressed along your body. Hands sneaking over the soft of your stomach, cupping at your tits, lips kissing at your shoulders, nose nudging up behind your ear so he could groan softly into your hair as you clenched around his cock. 

“That’s it?” He murmured sweetly, too sweet for how he was grinding his dick into you. “There? Yeah, honey?”

You whined, murmuring your agreement as you clutched at his hands, doing your best to tangle your fingers with his so there was something to hold onto as you fell apart. You shattered, a noiseless scream leaving your throat as you fell forward, a hand planted against the buttons of Dig Dug and the screen flashed its scoreboard with yours and Steve’s name at the top. Steve tumbled over the edge soon after, a few quick pumps of his hips until he was spilling into the condom and groaning into the hair against your neck, your bodies slick and hot with exertion. 

It was a quiet, comfortable bubble when he finally slipped out of you, both of you catching your breaths. It was fuschia coloured, neon green and cyan blue, quiet and fuzzy, a bubble you didn’t want to pop. Steve got rid of what he needed to put in a trash can out back before he returned to help you back into your underwear, a kiss he couldn’t help give pressed to your knee as he slid the cotton back up your legs. Your dress was smoothed down, your hands petted at his wild hair and you both tried not to laugh at the marks on your necks, the glossy sheen of your swollen lips, the bright thing in both your eyes that could only come from a good orgasm and happiness. 

Steve cleared his throat as he pulled Logan Duncan’s phone number from his pocket once more. It was crumpled and scrunched, a little ripped and he squinted at it before showing it to you between two fingers. 

“So, I’ll pick you up at eight?” 

His cockiness was back, a confident question that he already knew the answer to because he was letting the piece of paper drop to the floor. You smiled, rolled your eyes and dropped all pretence of the game. 

‘What game?’ you thought. When did you stop pretending to hate Steve Harrington?

“You gonna come to my door? Meet my parents?” You asked, smug, excited. Nervous. “Gonna wine and dine me, Harrington?”

Steve grinned. 

BONUS CHOICES

[aangelinakii]

JASON AS YOUR OLDER BROTHER.

not proofread !

note : this is STRICTLY a platonic pair !!!! pls do NOTTTTT make ts weird or i will cry ,,, also the spelling mistakes are left on purpose bc that's how i normally type but i tried to keep them comprehensible so enjoy <3

the type to juzt randomly come into your room and flex in the mirror for a min and leave

when you ask why, he either denies it (gaslight king) or says it's because the lighting in your room is best

if you ask him to get you food while he's on his way home he will cuss you out and aggressively hang up the phone, but he will always appear with at least one little snack

prepare to get sent the most brain rottiest videos in the deep hours of the night when he thinks you're asleep

but when you reply he'll ridicule you on why you're up so late and lecture you on how sleep is important for a growing human

biggestttt liar gaslighter in the worldddd

say you buy yourself some snacks and store them away for later, knowing it's just the two of you in the manor, and you go to grab it, and it's gone, even thiugh you both KNOW it was him, he will never ever give it up

"ugh this house needs to fix its dog problem, like why are they going through our kitchen now ????"

but lirterally won't admit it was him

takes video games (most specifically just dance, mario kart and mario party) WAYYYY too seriously

in mario kart he mains donkey kong, but if you take him just out of spite, then he goes for shy guy

and he will beat your ass whenever rasputin or waka waka come on because he literally knows those dances off by heart don't even play with himmmm

if you're younger and on tiktok he would feel so honoured to be in your tiktoks, he would learn any dance, learn any line, pose for any picture, wear any clothes

he takes this shit so serious