#and i Cant Afford to do things about it right now (ive had this issue for nearly 10yrs and it's only gotten worse w time

[www-girl]

Question about Narcolepsy from someone who has been trying to get a sleep study for well over a year (unsuccessfully, obviously):

After a sleep attack is it normal to feel back to normal or still tired? Or say after a round of sleep attacks? How long do they last, and do you dream/hallucinate during them? Or really what's your experience with sleep attacks + with energy levels post sleep attack.

Btw if you prefer to submit anons about it, those will be on. Any help, well, helps.

[buwheal]

Anon that was probably saying sorry, I said sorry because I find what clown roll was saying judgy, it's not easy being broke and not being able to afford food, the last thing a poor person needs is a lecture on how unhealthy their lifestyle is. Like of course it's not healthy, you think someone would CHOOSE to live like that? To eat nothing but trash? Pretty sure if spamton could be eating something not out of the trash he WOULD, he doesn't need someone rubbing how awful his life is in his face when he doesn't really have a way to make it better, like "oh yeah just get some food not in the trash" for free??? Or if you're expecting him to pay, with what money??? I swear financially well off people seem to just forget you need money to do almost anything because of how much they have. If clowny roll really cared so much they should give him some damn money to buy something, granted maybe they can't because of askbox rules, but still.

THAAANKK YOU DUDE arrghhhhh,, frustrates me a little because theres some people in this box talking to him like he has a choice!!! HE DOESNT!!! I already did a WHOLE nasty thing with a whole bunch of the asks rubbing that shit in his face as if it were an apology,, reminding CONSTANTLY with stuff like "I had trouble finding sucess once!" sorry but that doesnt help guys... This isnt some one time thing where hes down in the dumps cause he got fired or smth HES HOMELESS... thankfully ive stopped getting those, but now its THESE ones about how unhealthy his lifestyle is............... like yeah......... hes not fucking stupid he knows....... they talk to him like hes a child waaghhh /lh Like, heres some examples, sorry to these anons, but if i had chosen your ask you'd get yelled at by Spamton AND the audience anyways,, so heres some that i think maybe... they forgot he cant really do a whole lot....

...do you see the irony in this one......

guuuyyyysss do you see the freaking issue here???? "EAT HEALTHER!"

huh.

what.....

WITH WHAT FOOD????? WITH WHAT OPTIONS???? sorry lmfaoo... but like. "doesn't mean you shouldnt try to do better!" WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOUSAYING RIGHT NOW... HES NOT CHOOSING TO????? HES ALWAYS "TRYING TO DO BETTER"... DID YOU GUYS MISS THE POST POINTING OUT THAT HE EVEN HAS TROUBLE FINDING SOMETHING GOOD TO EAT /REGULARLY/??? pleeaaseeee dude save me pleese wauughh

But. Dont go after anyone,, esp Clowny Roll!!!!! I think a lot of them dont ....really think about it. I also have a tinge of a feeling that Clowny Roll has a bit of bait intention with theirs!! nothing wrong with that!

[narwhalandchill]

Hello! I saw you mention Childe in labyrinth warriors (hope that’s the right name) when talking about the 4.6 appearance, can I ask you about your thoughts on him there? I didn’t get to play that event- so what I know about it is spotty at best. Just that it’s in Inazuma, had Xinyan I think? And that Childe was there. And the little paper dude. I’m genuinely curious about what insights you gained from the event into his character- and I’d love to hear you talk about Childe more.

(can you believe. when i say. now that im finishing this up. that it got out of hand anon??? uhhhhhhhhhhhh. i mean. at this point this should be expected)

hi!!!! sorry this took a bit, ive been somewhat sick all week and also just now absorbed by the nuzlocke im doing but Anyway. am here now thank you sm for the ask and enabling childe thoughts!!!!!

. readmore bc this Actually got just. unbearably long otherwise JIWDJDWJKDJKWWJDK 😭😭😭😭

so the outline is basically as u said, but like. to summarize it w some particular details mentioned since they Do matter (sorry it got giga fucking long bc i think the full context is helpful for discussing childes parts too lmao). but here goes:

so a mysterious domain has appeared out of thin air on narukami island with monsters spewing out from within into the countryside. now this is an Issue (TM) bc timeline-wise this is still v much the immediate aftermath of the inazuma AQ and the civil war - the nation & esp the tenryo commission rly isnt in ideal shape resource and manpower wise to deal w another crisis like this and it has sara rightfully tense after the initial waves of the monsters were finally forced back. she kinda cant afford to send her men to scout inside the domain (it also kinda. opens and closes and reopens at random which is another issue for potential scouts) but if nothing is done to stop the monsters she must commit to a full on assault to destroy the domain to remove the threat & shes more or less on a timer with that. making it quite the precarious situation for her politically too and not just security wise. (keep this in mind)

how we end up being asked to investigate the place has to do w the. im ngl p convoluted xinyan b plot basically she was invited to a music festival as a performer but it was cancelled so now she lacks the travel permits she needs and getting new ones is Not fast without some inside help. we agree to look for sara so she could argue xinyans case, run into her dilemma w the domain and she agrees to expedit the process if we investigate the place in her forces' stead. (xinyan the civilian tags along for some reason too)

first time u go in, u find the paper dude (kind of an enchanted paper familiar of sorts) aka shiki taishou outside who has lost his memory yet is undoubtedly connected to the domain which is obviously a bit suspicious given the whole. monster spewing into the neighborhood deal. but idk she passes xinyans music vibe check so she argues we should help him recover his memories and in turn discover the truth of the domain along the way.

once we get inside the domain we obviously run into mr. worldwide himself including but not limited to a closeup of his crotch during his introduction for some reason. yeah its been nearly 3 years these things you cant unsee. that and the sending us sausage in his bday mail. like bruh

now childes (as he eventually divulges) in inazuma to look for traces of scara who ran off w the gnosis and happened to stumble into this strange domain with weird vibes. he thought it might be something relevant and waltzed in, proceeded to get locked inside (as the domain shifted) and beat the shit out of all the monsters there all the while having the time of his life bc hes simply built different. bc turns out the place is basically just a full-on sparring simulator for warriors that seems to be running by itself w no one overseeing it ever since the domain resurfaced cue the "pratice targets" aka monsters running wild

dont wanna recap the entire thing in detail but basically. firstly childe kinda improvs another new identity as an adventurer noticing xinyans liyuen attire bc Osial Incident and picking up the awkward energy we have at the realization of. this might be messy if we tell her. and xinyan buys it and nicknames him "red" w/e. so thats why the harbinger thing doesnt become a bigger conflict

he then informs us that all the monsters within the domain turn into torn paper charms when destroyed and that there are "replicas" of shiki taishou strewn about the domain that should restore his power and hopefully memories over time.

so we end up going thru the place helping shiki taishou gather his power and uncover the nature of the place. he kind of has an identity crisis happening bc all the monsters the place is generating seem to imply he was created for some nefarious purpose as a weapon of some sorts (childe says some Very Interesting Things in response as an attempt at pep talk. will get to it).

but TLDR what we do discover is actually that the shikigami/paper magic and the domains functions were basically a system invented after the domains creator harunosuke studied similar adeptal techniques in liyue in order to create the shikigami as these battle partners for samurai fighting against monsters from the cataclysm. these paper dolls could then record and replicate the monsters it and its partner fought in order to train others inside the domain so that inazumas protectors would always be ready to face such a threat if it ever came to be. shiki taishou was created as the "overseer" of this domain and its functions as a training facicility. by regaining his memories and finding clarity in his purpose shiki taishou gains control over the place again and is able to shut down its rogue functions so that it no longer poses a threat. he then promises to improve upon its workings by taking it to dormancy again. sara is relieved that the crisis could be averted without costing her manpower or further resources she doesnt have. yippee

So. yeah that took way too long mb jdwhjwdjdwadwaj but. Childe.

so there are a particular standouts in here in my opinion.

for one that is less like. a characterization aspect but more of a "gotcha" confirmation thats very nice to have is that he explicitly confirms that wherever in the abyss he spent those 3 months at 14, it DID involve places tied to the irminsul and its roots.

fissures between great tree roots u say?????? Inch resting ajax. tell me more abt the trees king.

also this monologue is literally so fucking sexy in general i love his single-minded pursuit of something as like. quintessentially simple as just. Improvement. but bc he has literally 0 fucking chill in his boundless hunger for that one singular ambition it alone is enough to disrupt the gravity of the world around him....... (but we will get to that)

Anyway. another Very good fucking moment from him character-wise is during the 2nd act. where weve spoken w sara about the tense situation after the 1st day of investigation ended w all of us minus childe (who got "trapped" inside the same way a child gets "trapped" inside a free-for-all candy store with all amenities included. he had a blast) getting thrown out and the domain rearranging itself again. and like we go back in once the entrance opens and are even more eager and restless to start figuring things out bc again. sara is on a timer.

and then .

guys im pretty sure theres a twitch emote for this???? something starting with C and ending with AUGHT?

LMAOOOOOO

he reads the shit out of us trying to all "subtly" push for the investigation to proceed so the crisis we are actually tasked to investigate can be solved. like this is literally just Actual 5d chess situational awareness and picking up cues from people around him and honing onto exactly whats stirring up in the undercurrent from childe. basically. he just lays onto us like. ah right. this is probably a big problem for that tenryo commission right? such a problem that theyd even ask an outsider to cover their duties... when thatd never happen during regular times right? a conundrum that could get even more problematic if theres a harbinger publicly around... right? oh my bad my bad haha just thinking out loud bestie lets get back to investigating shall we? hahaha

he is such a smart fucking Bastard oh my godddddd bro is out there smelling the traces of societal unrest and any and all weaknesses in a given governing structure like hes a shark tasting like 0,00000001% blood in the water . professional & supernaturally efficient problem causer everyone. this is what he was hired for . i love him

like. hes SMART guys. and hoyo Knows how to work his intelligence into the writing too its soooo scrumptious man .

and like bro hes being such a fucking menace in here too bc. he couldve kept this observation to himself too. but nooooo he just had to shove it in ur face that we are Not being as slick w keeping him in the dark as we would like to think💀💀 smug ass.

it makes me think abt how many things he actually Notices among the harbingers and all their power plays and schemes among one another but that childe simply keeps to himself bc he has nothing to gain from disproving the assumption of himself as this. gullible and simple-minded loyal warrior harbinger and the person-shaped time bomb we toss at wherever the flames of discord need some help sparking alight. after all, we saw this in arles quest too - how not only did he use our pathetic distraction attempts as an opportunity to fish relevant information on both arlecchino and pulcinella for himself (which i already commented on) but also. the fact that he Very clearly noticed our attempt at distracting her and intentionally helped us out without even knowing anything abt the matter at hand. to the point where even arle makes that Highly pointed comment about it and all but spells out that childe was assisting us on purpose the entire time.

like he is just. incredibly perceptive and so fucking intelligent like especially back in 2.2 where even Bigger of a portion of the fandom (if thats even possible) than today just thought of him as this. stupid fucking baby infant meow meow idiot brainwashed by the tsaritsa and completely owned by zhongli and signora XDDDDDD . seeing this unfold made me so fucking happy abt the way like. yeah HOYO knows what his character is all abt. the fandom can ruin him all the want but the games story isnt going to bend to their will.

Speaking of Which.

The weapon thing.

so as ive already alluded to prior . the entirety of labyrinth warriors despite it highlighting childes intelligence, attitude, priorities and ambitions in a way thats like. genuinely so fucking good and comes off as natural with no forced sounding exposition or backstory dump . mostly got a fan reception more in the way of . waa waa my baby boy is depressed with sigma PTSD 3.0 with DLC because calling yourself a weapon is self dehumanization and it signals he is suicidal and has no self worth 🥺🥺🥺🥺 he got TRAPPED in the EVIL DOMAIN consisting EXCLUSIVELY of all his favorite activities nonstop he must be feeling so scared i need to hug him my babygirl!!!!!!!!!11!1!1

when its like. ah yes. i have never heard of a motif ever before.

bc like as much as i do genuinely consider it something that more or less can be taken at face value as an Aspect of who childe is (not necessarily the whole of it, just another mask true to a part of his self) . it should still be acknowledge that part of the reason why his dialogue (and the event in general) fixates on the notion of being a "weapon" has to do with shiki taishous character arc.

because thats what he is. and is trying to discover what kind of purpose a discarded (bc harunosuke left the domain abandoned at the end) weapon and tool like himself can even have anymore. and childes lines taking that repeated emphasis of. whats so bad about being a WeaponTM (& expanding on what that means for Him) specifically . are as much about himself as they are just an attempt to communicate his worldview to shiki taishou as a way of pushing him towards solving this identity crisis he has . that paper boy literally Needs to solve in order for the domain to stop malfunctioning.

and like. okay even if we just look at it w/o paper boy. so say childe considers himself a weapon . but what does that mean to him?

[incoming top 5 dialogue lines that genuinely fucking challenge my sexuality this is so fucking hot. no one talk to me]

"Only those that wish for an end will find one."????????

"My limits vanish behind the horizon with every step I take"??????

FUCK OFF OH MY GODDDD

like people think of childe as this fatalistic if not actively suicidal then at least like passively reckless and uncaring towards his own wellbeing blood knight w low self esteem barreling towards his death and here he is. using his own fucking words. saying that the mere CONCEPT of an END. is not in his fucking VOCABULARY. because it does not serve his ambition to let such confusions ever obstruct his sights.

people think his purpose and ambition is soooo tied to his family tied to the tsaritsa that if those are ever taken away he will just freefall into the depths of directionless confusion and depression and whatever. when.

Here he is. giving a fucking pep talk to a DISCARDED WEAPON THAT HAS LOST HIS PURPOSE. EXCEPT HE KINDA JUST SAYS ITS A SKILL ISSUE TO EVEN NEED TO CONSIDER AN END TO YOUR PATH (hes silly like that). AS AN UNSTOPPABLE FORCE OF NATURE. A WEAPON THAT CUTS ANYTHING.

oh hey thats funny now where have i heard that before. bonjour my baguettes any fontainian cults or god kings out there interested in the world and fate altering power of unstoppable weapons that can cut into anything even ego and destiny itself and whatever that may mean?????? O____o

i swear to fucking god if the entire time this entire weapon allegory from labyrinth warriors was all about all cleverly n loosely associating him with themes relating to descenders and wills that rival the world all the way back in 2.2. and yet on release all people wanted was to weep for how sad it was he thought himself a weapon. man why is it always like this . i weep for THAT.

like. idk i dont have anything poetic to say abt it other than childes drive as an individual is just fucking breathtaking to me??? its literally Scary how utterly consumed he is by that ambition yet at the same theres this . crystalline clarity he has towards viewing it and himself ?? this weird ass self awareness that coexists with the all-consuming pursuit and ambition of it all??? this isnt sad this is both ridiculously attractive AND batshit insane like dudeeee . and like . the way he talks about it too like this is just a matter of fact everyday thing to him 💀💀 bc thats his abyss shrimp color vision this is how he rolls . its nothing grandiose its just how he is . this is normal to him its unbearable i hate him

like somewhat unrelated here (sorry) but sometimes i see ppl go against the possibility of childe having sth to do w the 3rd descender (which like yes is a crack theory for now and its not sth i can fully align myself with either as of rn Due To Those Thematic Clashes it just lives rent free Because of how conflictingly insane it is while also having some Strangely compelling evidence in its favor) or even just. Any higher predestined significance assigned to him in the grand scheme of things with the sole argument of like . but then everything about Him is worthless bc it wasnt His ambition and His drive to overthrow the world he wasnt Just A Guy (and. sigh. as the op. of that ancient thing. stop taking that old ass hastily typed post too far and too literally thx. its abt the vibe the attitude the subversion. having a destined purpose if the story handles it well does not conflict w being the quintessential just a guy thanks xx). he was just special all along so it all means Nothing and its like. dude. he told a recently-amnesiac paper boy having an identity crisis that its a fucking skill issue to ever falter in the face of some greater purpose haunting in your past or defining your origins. that a True weapon cuts himself free of even that without even a sliver of hesitation . ppl think that if indeed some soul of the 3rd descender is resurrected in story and idk tries taking over his body with past lives and memories or whatever. you think he isnt ripping the essence and existence of that poor fucking dude apart and devouring him alive into the crushing depths of the black hole of an unquechable ambition that beats a steady pulse at His core just to reclaim HIS place as the ultimate weapon to cut through everything???????

aww thats so cute. you guys think even the hypothetical of theories akin to these being legit on some level is automatically going to ruin his arc and character bc hes gonna be taking it lying down!!!!! you think hes going to look at a Grand destiny Assigned to him by someone Outside and Above and not spit in its face!!!

just like his narwhal looked at the destined cosmic end of All life to fall to ruin and immediately devoted its entire existence to denying the universe that very outcome isnt that curious why are they the sam---------------SORRY SORRY where was i at

like. i see how it is for yall. well. myself on the other hand. i have some fucking faith in him lmao

partially . indeed Because. i read the goddamn text of labyrinth warriors. where they let him Talk about what these things mean to him. and how he Truly isnt about to stop. Ever. hes not looking for an end and if presented with one he sure isnt about to respect it. hes just. built different its absolutely amazing

and yeah my bad i got. sidetracked very badly there. you asked me abt labyrinth warriors but bc its childe this is just what tends to happen like my brain fucking spirals. but like . no im not saying that the weapon theme being such a prevalent aspect in the story is like 100% a descender and sword of narzissenkreuz thematic parallel and intentional reference i just think its Quite interesting in hindsight . that This is the angle they drilled in on .

anyway hopefully this at least had Something to illustrate abt why i love labyrinth warriors for how it serves to establish how much of a madman childe ajax tartaglia my beloved truly is . and how to hoyo his outlook towards the world has very much been one of endless limitless hunger and never-sated ambition . and not whatever fanon wants to cook up. childes greatest enemy has always been stagnation and he has always looked towards the Future. of surpassing each and every limit and boundary on his path . like thats what makes him who he is.

also. last lil thing aka. Most Ignored Canon Line Spoken By This Man

which is a shame bc. its so fucking interesting??? i mean. i get that ppl dont know what to make of it bc everyones so fixated on picturing childe as this loyal puppy tsaritsa fanboy who couldnt even deign to imagine discarding allegiances to anyone yet here he is. saying exactly that.

like ive seen ppl be like oh hes trying to Convince himself of this!!!! hes putting up an act!!!!! and its like? no? i dont think this contradicts anything about his character. people just find it uncomfortable because it implies that the things he listed there are not something of any Inherent value to him. which adds up perfectly fine to me but what do i know.

like the way i have always seen this is that it really isnt. oh childe says he isnt actually a loyal person When it matters to him personally and isnt actually invested in fulfilling his duty (as of Right Now, mind you) which would yes seemingly contradict a lot of other things. but really its just that those concepts alone are void to him. you cant stop him from pursuing his ambition by saying its evil. if the tsaritsa ever truly loses his respect and leaves him completely disillusioned in the archon that once was a fellow honorable warrior in his eyes, the concept of "allegiance" will not be able to dissuade him from turning that burning ambition of toppling the heavens towards her throne too. personal respect maybe. a sense of honor. maybe even disdain so extreme that even investing that time into her now is a waste? sure. but like. you get what im trying at? he is way more ambivalent about these things than most people really Want him to be. bc they dont fulfill the hunger that burns at his core.

and it adds up. bc like. his ambition his drive towards battle and bettering himself and becoming a weapon completely unstoppable and irreplaceable that can conquer the world . is his north star. its the singularity that all else about him orbits around. of course silly little concepts like right and wrong will be secondary to that. we just really havent seen a moment where his ambition is in true conflict with the bonds and oaths he has sworn in his current life. but i have a feeling that if and when we do. this line will make a lot more sense lmao

anyway uhhhhhhh

yeah i liked labyrinth warriors!!! very underacknowledged and misrepresented event that had a ton of fun stuff abt childe. i am super normal about these hip and enjoyable aspects of his character as they are explored within this event as the length and contents of this post imply!!!!

omg anon i. really fucking hope u got at least Something u were looking for out of all this KWJKJKDWWJKDWJKDJKWDK i swearrr i just cannot. stop myself from completely fucking losing it on the asks of every innocent anon (and like non anon too why not) approaching my ask box 😭😭

but thank you again for sending this in!!!!!! have a nice day!!!! im very normal thanks for asking!!!!!

[jaijaitbinks]

HC that Saitama was very neglected since young and he doesn't really realize the severity of it until he is very sick and Genos is taking care of him and Saitama doesn't understand why Genos is taking care of him and slips out that he would have to go buy his own meds when sick and Genos is just shocked by that because why wouldnt his parents help him, and Saitama just cant answer. Throughout the days he becomes very grateful of Genos helping him and is glad he doesnt have to do this alone.

I'm so sorry i kept procrastinating on this Ive been stuck in my own brainrots and only now got back to answering asks/submissions 😭

BUT, I'm here, I've read it. And ow.

Saitama being genuinely clueless as to why Genos is helping, too. Like, it's not that kind of confusion that's just mutated insecurities, or the kind where he doesn't know why Genos would put in the effort. It's the kind where he genuinely doesn't know why it's such an issue. He doesn't understand why a 5, maybe 6, year-old little 'Tama walking half a mile to the nearest pharmacy to get cold medicine and (sometimes) painkillers using what little money he could scavenge around the house, while he was ill is such an issue. I mean, he got his medicine in the end, right? What does it matter that he struggled to walk that far back then? Or that sometimes he couldn't afford all of it, so he would get just the bare minimum? Or that, in most cases, these things happened during the winter or fall?

Of course, he doesn't tell Genos any of those stories, just mentions how it usually went. Walk to the pharmacy, get the meds, come back home. He knew the borg would have the robo-equivalent of a heart attack if he told him any of the more detailed, downright concerning tales of his med adventures. But when Genos asks why his parents never helped, he's at a genuine loss, because why would they have? It's not like it was their responsibility to take care of him like that. Besides, he was capable of doing things on his own. That's what he's always been taught (in some indirect way. His parents never told him things like that straightforwardly, so he just had to figure them out eventually).

Again, he doesn't say anything outloud. Doesn't see a need to. He doesn't say anything at all, really. Just shrugs.

Genos isn't having any of that, so for the next few days, he is smothering him in not only intense affection and care, but also in blankets and pillows. Wet towels for when his body feels to hot, his heating hands and arms (sometimes entire body) when he's feeling too cold. He makes soups and teas with a spoonful of honey in each cup (he immediately implemented them in when Saitama shared the knowledge that honey helps a lot with coughs). During the moments, sometimes even days, where Saitama was particularly delirious, he would stay right by his side, only separating to make him food, then coming back to cuddle him. He was patient with all his weird little questions or his bouts of intense clinginess.

There were times where Saitama would insist he was fine, he could do it on his own. He felt spoiled from start to finish, from catching the sickness to recovery, and it made him feel weird—useless and a burden. But Genos always assured him that he was neither.

When he recovered (a lot faster than he ever had before), he still felt weird about it. But he'd be lying if he said he didn't appreciate it all. Or that it didn't feel nice to be cared about so much.

He thanks Genos, but Genos just tells him that there was not thanks to be given. He'd help him, care for him, in a heartbeat.

[mintyvoid]

so im once again trying to work through my issues with life, but again more specifically what is hindering my ability to finish projects. Cause like- if you dont know already, i am an artists..if you can't find a salary job(and even if you can) you need to build some sort of following or portfolio to garner attention and ~eventually~ that leads to income.

...so i need to finish things, get better at my craft, figure out what my ~thing~ is. and to do that once again, i need to finish things.

aight so i write down some of the main reasons, start from the basic and keep delving deeper and deeper till i figure out the main issue that i can start working on. I didn't get very far before i started seeing a pattern lol.

My current reasons for my struggle to finish things-

1. struggle to start

2. struggle to stay focused

3. struggle to overcome problems

Now there are probaby more- but I figured the more I thought about this the more likely id get either frustrated or overwhelmed and then not move onto the next step. Of exploring each reasons and what hinders THOSE.

1a. no motivation

1b. no energy

1c. lacking resource/info/guidance

1d. depression

As an autistic person- these kinda aren't really surprising. Executive dysfunction is like a really hard thing to overcome and it effects a shit ton of things. I wouldn't be surprised if I also deal with PDA(pathologic demand avoidance). Some days the only thing hindering are things like 'cant open program' or 'cant move from spot to computer to work'. Some days I can do these and STILL just stare at my screen and my body and mind refuse to do anything.

Unsurpisingly as well, when moving onto the other reasons the hinders ended up being identical LOL.

But then I fall into the issue i've had since getting diagnosis, by looking at all of this the 'main issue' IS my autism. Its the executive dysfunction- its the fact that ive lived for decades undiagnosised and am now so fucking tired trying to fix myself when it never wouldve worked in the first place. To rewrite my brain from all the internalized ableism i most likely have.

But the resources to work with my autism are hard to come by and quite expensive.

I can't afford to change my environment- and there are a lot of things in my home that I can't change that ARE hindering my ability to function. Working with what i have simply isnt working anymore, but im right back to trying it- desprately wanting it to work because its the only thing i have access too.

right back to feeling helpless cause there doesn't seem to be anything I can do. Like theres no easier solution and im too tired to fight for myself anymore.

[the-bjd-community-confess]

More Divaz confos

Mod: Round two of these, previously: link. There’s some interesting customer reviews in this batch (5 and 8) which may be useful to readers.

1.Vic3mage "the secret bjdivaz vip group is just pictures of boxes coming in and going out". Yeah, between the bitching about d0llshe, asking people to post on doa for them, dunking on ex-customers, posting pics of random doll parts that they can't identify which doll they're supposed to go with, whining about how little money they make, whining when ppl e-mail them, whining. Yeah, other than that it's just boxes, and alpacas u can buy off amazon anyway lol.

~Anonymous

2.The butthurt users crying and guilttripping under every Divaz confession who have never been seen before elsewhere on this blog are extremely unsuspicious and unproblematic and definitely unconnected to Divaz and unbiased in every possible way

/s

~Anonymous

3.idk shit abt bjd1vas but v1cemage i can absolutely tell you the shit about ch0o is 100% accurate, fucker's got a long, long history of being an awful little man that stretches well beyond his involvement in the doll community. between the two i'd still trust bjd1vas over ch00 ch00 the fool any day!

~Anonymous

4.The Z3st and Div4s thing is really silly and both entities were being shady but did they really have to take the DZ waiting room down with them? :( He had even made a separate thread about it......

~Anonymous 

5. RE: BJD Divaz

I’ve been a customer of BJD Divaz since they first started, when it was only run by Chart3rline. I even contacted other BJD companies trying to persuade them to work with Divaz as their US representative. Most declined because they didnt like D's commission fee, but I was able to persuade a few of them.

I asked them to purchase a doll off DOA because I couldnt afford the asking price, and while they did, I found out later that instead of agreeing to purchase the seller's price, they negotiated the price to be lower. This significantly cheaper price was not passed down to me. I paid the full price +the commission fee based on that full price. I am disappointed I was not told this. This is when I stopped viewing them as a "friend" and instead, as a business. I dont hold this against them, it’s context to what Im going to say later.

I’ve stopped purchasing from D after my recent order from them. This company usually takes 3 or less months to make a doll. I’ve ordered the doll from D and it took 11 months. They let me know it arrived to them in March and that it will be shipped soon, except it only shipped on July, and only after I sent them several "reminder" emails. Before people in the comments try to put the blame on me for not sending a reminder soon, please keep in mind that I acknowledged the email in March and confirmed everything and they keep stressing to not send them emails because they are busy, I’ve emailed once every month since. I’ve since switched to ACBJD and Ive been happy with communication and the dolls ordered. I imagine ACBJD gets the same amount of emails, but they dont berate their customers if they email more than once.

I regret when people wanted a D0llshe, but not deal with him, I always recommended D. I would warn people of ordering directly and instead go through D. They assured buyers they would be handling communication and all the efforts so they wouldnt worry, except they didn’t. A person that I’ve recommended D to, who surpassed 2 years, keeps messaging me for help because D wouldnt reply to their emails. She is respectful, sweet and a timid person, not a Karen. This person, emailed D without a reply so would email a week later, only to be told that their email would be pushed down to the bottom if emailed again. No response, so she goes to FB and IG, who both tell her to email because they arent the person running orders. Finally got a response that they would get their refund, after D0llshe sends D's payment, but minus the PP fees. 3 months later and theres no refund, only a promise of them getting it later. Why is the customer missing out on fees when they have no doll? Customer emails d0llshe and he says he cant offer refund, because they didn’t order through them, which is understandable, but when all options are out for a customer, do you blame them for chargebacks?

If anyone files a chargeback, D will be blacklisting them from every company they rep, as in blacklisting you from buying direct from those companies. I urge everyone who has negative experiences with D to email the companies they rep instead of venting on confession blogs, and writing your experiences on social media. Make it count and send letters to the companies they represent, and please provide proof because they will try to make you out to be a liar.

Speaking of, they made vague posts on cl0ver singing for charging paypal fees, and that they offer guarantees as an official dealer, except when offering refunds, to non delivered products I might add, they are keeping the fees, and offered no help with d0llshe, even before they ended their dealership with them. Someone on DOA was told to not email them unless the wait time surpassed 1.5 years. They are even so petty that they post screenshots with the full name and address (dox) of the customer on purpose and then delete it out a day later as if they just realized their "mistake".

Before you try to make excuses for them about the fires, keep in mind, I am dealing with a business. The lower price negotiation with the DOA sale, I am in no way obligated to give them a pass or treat them as a friend when they made it clear that our relationship is strictly business. Their issues, are not my issues. D0lk got dragged for not shipping in time, others, including artisans, got dragged for being so late with communication and sending back refunds for cancelled orders. Why does D get to be exempt?

The supporters are the worst part of this, because of instead of being honest so D can improve, they support them for being "real". For example, look how micemage words it, to make it seem like this criticism is from one person, when there are people on addicts who didn’t have good experience. Check the bjd dealers tag here, you will see the supporters in the comments going off on any and all criticism of D. Some have sane comments, but the majority are cult like and try to identify the person venting as if it’s one person. Addicts deletes threads with criticism asking people to instead direct it to their feedback group; which lets be honest, no one is going to do because its "not that bad", and most dont want to join a new group, which is mostly dead.

This is my first and last confession on D, I’ve emailed each company they rep and told them my experience as well as contacting the 3 month wait company, with screenshots of my order, how they handled it, and the excuse they used to put blame on the company for being so late (package arrived march to D, 4 months to be shipped is on D, not the company). I’m not using company or order details because I know they are petty enough to try to identify me and publicly shame me like they have to others. This and the threat of suing is why not many people like to go public with their experience. They just keep feedback neutral, move on and never deal with again.

~Anonymous

6. Listen, I can't take you seriously in regards to BJD!vas because you're posting on a confession blog. If you were serious, you would have posted in buyer beware groups, DoA reviews or the board to get things resolved, or you would have made a complaint to the BBB. And your language makes you come off more as someone with an agenda rather than someone who is trying to warn people. If shipping is the issue, stop buying with standard shipping and pay the extra price for express shipping. I saw one of you complain that it sat with them for 20 days; that's probably because you're not the only one and they more than likely have a queue to check and then ship out. Do mistakes happen? Yes, because we're human. I've been in this hobby for a few years now and it seems like most people know you're going to have to wait, sometimes even outside the expected wait time. And shipping something as big as a doll is a timely endeavor. I shouldn't have to say that.

My point is simply to stop complaining on an confession board and either take it to the places previously mentioned. Posting here behind the anonymous mask makes you sound like a petulant child who didn't get their way right away.

~Anonymous

7.My only issue with BJD Divaz is how I never get any updates. Every email, they tell me to join their facebook page for status updates. I dont have a FB and I dont want to create one. I bought my doll through their website, updates should be posted on their website, or they could send me an email. That isnt asking much.

~Anonymous

8. Since there seems to be a lot of either "completely negative everything sucks" or "everything was sunshine and rainbows" confessions about bjd!vaz I thought I'd chime in with a neutral review.

PROS

-They were always polite and professional in their emails, and gave me very detailed answers to my questions.

-I got exactly what I ordered, so no mix ups or missing parts or anything like that.

-I think them being forthcoming about personal issues (only one person on staff, illness, the flooding isue etc.) on social media is good, since it keeps customers updated as to why there might be delays.

-If you live in the US their shipping is very reasonable.

CONS

-Reply times were varied. Sometimes it could take over a week, sometimes a couple hours.

-My order took about 10mo which, when comparing to other people who ordered through the same company around the same time, was about 3x as long as if I bought it direct and 2x as long if I had gone through a different dealer. I get some of the waiting time is out of their control, but it was kind of ridiculous.

-They dont necessarily ship the same day they send you a tracking number. I wish they said something like, "Here's your tracking number, our pickup is Xday so it should start moving after that" just so I could be aware.

All in all no major complaints. I got my doll and all that. Their lone employee is clearly overwhelmed. I hope they hire another person, if only to give the one a break.

Truthfully, I most likely won't buy through them again. I'd rather pay the international shipping and go direct, than deal with the extensive wait time. I'd still recommend them to someone looking for a very long layaway, though. I paid in full, but if I had a 12mo layaway I would've never known they weren't ready to ship my doll until month 10.

~Anonymous

[transguygardner]

I'm so sorry about what Tom King did to Guy Gardner in Human Target. I was a fan of his Omega Men and Mister Miracle but I found his Batman run hit and miss. Heroes in Crisis, Strange Adventures, and Rorschach were all trash. He weirdly seems to like the JLI crew but grossly fails to understand what is cool about them. We saw a bit of that in Mister Miracle when Scott got drunk with Ted and Booster. It was hella cringe in Heroes in Crisis where Ted and Booster said "Bros before Heroes" Human Target is such a middling train wreck and having Tora kill Guy like that was gross. His upcoming Danger Street looks like it features cool characters but I've learned by now to not pay any money to read King's books.

tbh ive never been a huge fan of his writing. i read omega men first and i was just kinda ??? about the whole thing. like i hadnt read much with kyle before but from what i knew of the character it didn’t seem like it fit right especially with him cheating on carol. i later read mister miracle and while there were parts that i liked so much of it just didnt sit well with me. i only read the wedding issue from his batman run and its also the only time ive paid money for something he wrote (my library had the tpb for the other two) and like the format concept was cool in that issue

but like honestly he just cant write pre-established characters. there seems to be no desire to actually understand these characters even if they are ones he says he likes (see: orion in his mister miracle run). but he wouldn’t have a career if he didnt do these books because i don’t think he can afford to pay the caliber of artist required to hold up his dialogue

people defend his characterization of guy by saying this is “80s guy” when guy was never this nasty even at his worst. and citing a date with destiny part one when its supposed to be an extended taxi driver reference is weak and ignores literally everything that happens between them after it. it also ignores guy’s relationship with his ex fiancee kari limbo which imo would be what king shouldve been looking at for reference with this since she ends up dating hal at one point whereas tora and guy are never really in a situation where guy is around while tora dates someone else

danger street is going to be so sad just because of the vast amount of characters king is going to touch on

[etherdoubler]

every thought ive had about shevat in the past year (part 1)

i have spent many weeks contemplating shevat and making stuff up in a pretty much uninterrupted stream of conscious ever since i beat the game a year ago.

ok first, locations. the map is horrible, but bear with me.

green (residential): the only area of the capital currently inhabited.  neighborhoods, restaurants, artisanal productions, etc. normal people stuff. holds the agriculture domes, out of 5 to support the population only 2 are operational, short staffing means only 1 can be used at a time, leading to insufficient food resources. mostly located on the lower "tier" of the region.

blue (metropolitan): abandoned. gaspars house is here, near the border with the residential district. old universities, libraries, museums, theatres, government buildings etc. but all have been stripped for resources or were destroyed 500 years ago. the largest medical center was here, near the industrial district.

black (industrial): support area for the capital, manufacturing, waste treatment, etc. transitional area- many people moving up from babel tower end up here and work in the various sectors until they can move to the residential area or the outer ring. shevats main power plant is here, an old slave generator that mainly services aphel aura and the palace. balthazar did stuff here to advance manufacturing capacity and quality before peacing out 500 yrs ago

outer (engineering): technical work. server support, gate generator maintenance, communications, internet etc. all are based around shevats outer ring. wind turbines line the ring at regular intervals for power. medical/chemical research facilities are also here (once under taura's jurisdiction). ports for gear deployment, commercial travel, shipping, etc. are here. at shevats peak there were numerous smaller “““towns”““ in the outer ring to support the engineering staff (hence the residential space) but those have long since been abandoned and stripped for materials. while aphel aura runs off the slave generator plant, the outer ring mostly relies on solar/wind turbines, and has sections for battery storage of electricity in off hours. this excess energy powers the capital as well, when the slave generator has to go through repairs

palace (yellow): at the center of shevat. has its own duplicate agriculture, power supply, internet etc. in case of emergency. zephyr rarely leaves, she and the council are pretty much always working.

gate generators: four of them.... 1 and 4 break down regularly and often need extended maintenance. 2 and 3 are in better condition and are monitored more frequently due to their proximity to inhabited areas.

anyway. the real thing i wanted to talk about is how after 500 years of subpar maintenance a lot of these infrastructure systems either dont work, dont work in conjunction with newer systems, or have been dismantled to repair other, more important systems. computers are a huge issue in shevat because so much of their tech is salvaged from different eras and places of manufacture (think about the kinds of compatibility issues we have today just from about 50 years of computer software x10).

zephyrs personal computer runs on the original shevat os from 500 years ago, if only because transcribing and transferring all of the data to a newer, more capable system would take more time and effort than they can afford. gate technology stolen from solaris is programmed and built to solarian specifications, but now runs on a mishmash architecture of shevat/solarian code. the gear systems have to be reprogrammed to ignas dialect because after some point, all of shevats gear pilots will be from the surface. i think about this CCONSTANTLY!!!!!! also the chronic reset of collective knowledge that happens when engineers die, whether from old age or on surface missions, etc. is pretty crippling when you dont have enough of them to go around in the first place, and while there are a number of solarian defectors who make their way to shevat, how many of them are skilled enough to actually help run the kinds of technologies shevat depends on? zephyr can be a repository of this kind of knowledge but at the same time, she’s only one person and cant teach 40 different people of differing technical expertise how to diagnose and repair engine tech from five centuries ago.

other topics. DISEASE. okay actually i wont talk about the poxes and fevers, etc. that may have sprung up over the centuries just because, kind of sick of diseases right now. instead- ENDEMIC LIFE. fei mentions there being fish in the waterway, so what else is brewing in the nascent independent ecosystem of shevat? different types of moss??? rare lichens that grow on the exposed surface of rusted metals? some really gross mildew living under a condensation drainage pipe? parasites*? fascinating stuff to think about if youre a complete nerd like me. also, FOOD. shevat has agricultural production, so what do they grow besides thunder strawberries? i have this half-thought theory that "dry season" in shevat means the water system is damaged and wont be fixed for a few months so everyone has to conserve water.

i have more. maybe in part three i will talk about characters.

*i think parasites as a topic are very interesting. there will definitely be a post about regional parasites in the future sometime

[alexanderpusheen]

what frustrates me the most abt this china narrative is that the US created al qaeda and ISIS, those groups are recruiting and causing terrorism in xinjiang, china has been trying to handle the situation with re-education programs often suggested by westerners, and its still being treated as this major human rights violation. there are actually dozens of countries with several robust anti radicalization programs that are just as strict, like singapore, colombia, yemen, bangladesh, saudi arabia, and indonesia. this paper ive linked to was even funded by the DHS so like...why has detaining someone and basically reverse brainwashing them out of being a terrorist been so acceptable for so long but now its an issue? 

if you take issue with chinas program, you have to prove its somehow exceptional to these other programs. since we really dont have any way of knowing what is truth or reality thanks to the enormous disinformation campaign going on, you fucking cant. we dont even know what the programs entail because even googling it gets you exclusively hyperbolic concentration camp accusations. 

what i will say is that relations between the han majority and the uyghur minority have been strained since at least the 80s. link is the notoriously conservative and pro US intervention human rights watch, so dont say im using pro commie sources or anything. every time i do any bit of research on this i seem to find an attempt from major news outlets in the early to mid 2000s or late 20-teens to prove this all started or became dramatically worse now, but things have always been tense. and its not really a surprise that things really got bad after the collapse of the soviet union, an event that was geographically close to china and the xinjiang region and also just like, a fucking major global event in general.

what i find to be very odd is just how dramatically the narrative has changed. the diplomat, one of my favorite periodicals, went from taking very nuanced and balanced positions on xinjiang that i almost completely agreed with to being just as aggressive as outlets like the BBC and CNN in the span of five years. they have eleven pages worth of articles on xinjiang, mostly covering the terrorism and beijings response (which i agree is too harsh) and xinjiang muslims’ relationships to the greater muslim world. 

an example is how this article talks about the conflict at the time which warns of escalating violence as a result of han chauvinism and beijing being unable to deal with the extremism holistically. it points out how there were uyghurs captured among taliban ranks in afghanistan and how many might have even been working with ISIL.

The threat will not be an existential one to the Chinese state, as most Uighurs would prefer a peaceful accommodation. But even if only 1 percent of Uighurs hold extreme views, there are 10 million in Xinjiang and even for a state security apparatus as formidable as China’s, 100,000 or more angry people present a tough challenge.

i think its totally right that china does not allow people in that area to have cars, woodcutting tools, and amonium nitrate (which is used in bombs) is very strictly regulated. i completely agree that this is not how you combat terrorism. most people do not want war and broadly punishing these people is itself a human rights violation that went unnoticed until now.

however, in that same year, the diplomat also published this article about the infamous turkestan islamic party. members of TIP are like, literal jihadists lmfao.

TIP fighters call on the world’s Muslims to join the jihad against Western countries in internet videos. Perhaps most worringly for China, the TIP believes that Muslims may fight locally using various means instead of coming to Syria and Iraq to conduct a “holy war” against the “infidel” Western regimes.  

yeah i definitely want to hear more about what these guys have to say. the article is really good because i think it highly illustrates just how dangerous these people are. theyve killed hundreds of people across china and want to establish a fascist religious state in xinjiang. while the article speaks for itself, i believe the last paragraph really highlights why china is being singled out whereas countries like france and canada are considered allies to muslims for whatever reason:

However, as experience has shown, China takes a passive position in the struggle against global Islamic jihad in Syria and Iraq. Beijing has not sent its troops to the Middle East to fight ISIS and has instead confined itself to diplomatic support for Russia and the United States. The Chinese government uses the attacks of Islamic jihadists to persuade Western countries to support Beijing’s position on Xinjiang and turn a blind eye when the freedom and rights of Uyghurs are harshly suppressed by Chinese security forces. Therefore, China is not perceived by the West as a reliable partner in the fight against terrorism. [emphasis mine]

im just a little surprised to see that a lot of these violent attacks from extremists throughout the years have targeted not just han chinese but also other uyghurs. in the west people do not typically sympathize with terrorists as freedom fighters, even on the left, because we know that no matter how angry or how seemingly justified the violence might seem, terrorism is unacceptable and it grossly misrepresents islam. it is a fascist act because those terrorists often follow an extremely right wing version of islam. also, we know that those who carry out terrorist attacks even outside of the west are middle class and professionals in some way, not poor and marginalized people. the level of nuance afforded to terrorists outside of xinjiang is pretty staggering. 

yet in china, there seems to be this excitement than they are killing chinese people, even if some of those chinese are other uyghers or otherwise muslims. those who carry out attacks in xinjiang dont get any nuance or analysis because theyre justified.

ive referenced the diplomat earlier but this article from 2013 says it perfectly: Call Tiananmen Attack What It Was: Terrorism. except terrorism is bad. and the west wants you to support the uyghurs. and make no mistake, they do not want you to support the millions of uyghurs who want to live peacefully, free of any repression, american or chinese. they want you to support the jihadists randomly blowing up chinese and tourists alike because you are meant to sympathize with their plight.

terrorism isnt something to be romantacized or cheered on. it is something someone or someones do when they feel they have no other option. people do not want to kill even those they feel they have every right to because thats a line you cant uncross. murder changes you, justified or not. see the last chapter of wretched of the earth for this.

terrorism is great, however, for destabilizing a region or a country, and xinjiang is resource-rich. establishing a US-friendly regime, no matter how good they are on human rights, is the goal. the US does not care about muslims. they do not care about human rights. china, also, does not really seem to care about muslims or human rights either. but we’ve seen this since vietnam, and the US has learned since vietnam. the vietnamese were sympathetic. they were minding their business. 

after vietnam, merely being communist isnt enough to warrant invasion. theyre killing their own people. nevermind that bolsonaro kills his own people and no one wants to invade (yet--biden has mention sanctions wrt us which is scary but again, thats got everything to do with making sure latin america is loyal to the west, not HR offenses). korea, although it was before vietnam, was less publicized and learning from vietnam gave the US a valuable lesson: always blame the victim. and thus, the US blames the victims of its violence. even if its ‘justified’, even if its ‘true,’ as was the case with saddam hussein, invading and occupying was the nightmare no one but the imperialists anticipated. because they dont broadcast what occupying forces do to the occupied. i am old enough to remember abu ghraib. have it seared in my memory forever. you perhaps are also old enough to remember, but also think millions of abu ghraibs and guantanamo bays are always worth it, always justified. 

i know people arent going to read this and remind me really rudely that they didnt read it but i want to really emphasize how one of imperialism and colonialisms features is ethnic and racial separatism. how the rwandan genocide couldnt have happened without previous belgian and french rule. how yugoslavia wouldve remained a single country had it not been for NATO. i think its easy to diminish the role of the colonizer in all of this, but it is actually one of its goals: divide and conquer. exacerbate the existing conflicts to the point of genocide. 

and if the west succeeds in balkanizing china, you will get more racism rather than less. you will see more violence against muslim minorities rather than less. they will feel less empowered rather than more. china has to learn that they are also to blame in a way that will be catastrophic for over a billion people. han chauvinism and outright racism must be addressed beyond window dressing.

wrapping up, china is in the wrong here. what theyre doing is racist and humiliating a population that has to be empowered. and the one child rule, even for the han majority, is imo fucking evil lol like sorry tankie tumblr im tankie too but i cannot for the life of me accept that as a good thing.... but i also dont buy the accusations of genocide, because even tho a lot of these articles are kind of glossing over it, china is trying to handle the terrorism in the region. imo theyre feeding into it by getting more han in the area, but also having more han but forcing them to take worse jobs would be a show of good will. idk, this situation is extremely complex and frankly, most uyghers do not want secession. 

i also take extreme issue with people saying that adrian zenz is somehow reliable. not only is he a nazi crackpot, hes also literally the only source for almost all of what we know about this in the west. that is not how you do journalism. i dont understand how people are saying ‘yeah hes an extremely fascist grifter but also i believe him because hes anti communist and also anti china’. thats also not really the point? the point is that hes also the ONLY SOURCE on almost all of this, which is alarming. 

i also find it very startling that in order to keep interest in the story, every few weeks the US has to remind people that the chinese are also doing what the US is doing to women in its own camps. forget that the US is separating minors from parents (since 2008). forget that the US is sterilizing women en masse (since 2017). forget that the US is raping women at the border (since there was a border). forget the US even has camps because now they arent even called that anymore. this is not that ‘you can be angry at two things at once’ but a clearly cynical attempt to get its citizens to forget that the US is detaining, deporting, sterilizing, and raping, and gassing non US nationals. 

they are not ‘your own people.’ they are me. the other. i am an immigrant to the US, currently in my country of birth, so i am the other to you, the american. the chinese are doing the evil crime of killing their own. but the americans could never kill their own because they dont consider black americans to be their own. latin american nationals are not their own. bombing millions globally is not their own. thats always justifiable. there is clearly an element of racism in how these crimes are perceived as more or less evil.

the way immigrants and black americans are brutalized in the US is almost naturalized. like its the way things are supposed to be. you can live with that. its upsetting that you have to hear about antiblackness and the like but you know thats just how life is. you dont necessarily call for the US to be sanctioned or bombed by other countries because you believe in the inherent goodness of white america. but countries like china and iran and north korea deserve to be starved and killed for their crimes. and you can never say ‘maybe bombing and starving a country isnt the answer’ because it means you agree with it. you can never say ‘this is clearly propaganda to make me hate another race so much’ because it means youre a genocide denier. im sorry, but again, i remember iraq in 2003, i remember libya in 2011. i dont buy it.

finally, theres been a lot of attacks on asian people in the US lately and if you cannot see the violent way the US talks about china the country and how that influences people to harm asians within the US then idk what else to tell you. people will really believe this shit and say the chinese are all blood thirsty islamaphobes and thus need to be harmed. ‘im not like that! i defend my asian friends from racism!’ thats nice and all but idk how spreading some sinophobic propaganda designed by the US to make you support some kind of violence against one billion chinese people isnt inherently racist. also its unhelpful because sanctions dont really solve problems. but ive spoken too much.

[completleymessy01]

7.5.20

Hi. I have alot to talk about, and idk if i will get to everything. Alot has happened since my last post. We are still on lockdown, im bored, but liking my new life more than my old one. I have managed to lose quite alot of weight, and im worried that ive reached my peak and wont be able to lose any more wieght. When really, i still need to lose atleast another 2-3kg. I believe in myself though. Im going to push through and really try hard to lose the remaining weight. Im saying this because today i ate rather unhealthy and had like four cookies. I actually have a “ sugar:” heacahe, which is a sore head i get when i have had too much junk food. My weight is just one of the many things on my mind. My father got arrested around a month ago and I have had no sort of contact with him. I miss him so much. I have to wait till atleast july 6th before i can speak to him. Whats so frustrating is that no one tells me shit. I dont know why i cant see him till then, all i knwo is that if i do, he will go to prison. That some mean shit right there. I have all these people telling me its a good thing he isnt in my life anymore.Saying that i have been abused and shouldnt want him in my life . But what they dont seem to understand is that he is me and im him. I am atleats 50% of him. Which terrifies me, i see it when i look into the mirror. His eyes, his lips, his resting face. I see it in my emotions. the anger that burns inside, when i shout at my brother i worry i will shout at my kids, abuse my kids, the same way my father abused me. Thats why i stand by his side. because i wish that my kids will stand by my side if i was to ever abuse them. Its like ive already decdied that i will be an awful mother. Like my father was to me. People tell me im nothing like him, but i know i am. I am different from others. I dont really feel much. and that scares the shit out of me. Tonight i feel lonley, and sorta wish i had a boyfriend lying next to me. A man in my life who would protect me from my father, and not let anyone treat me like shit or abuse me. Someone to hold me, look after me, look after my mum. I have this oveerwhelming feeling to care and nurture my mother and my brother. Like its my responsbility to look after them,my mother doesnt have any money and we are poor without my step dad. i wish i could make money somehow and provide for my family. One day i will. i swear to it. Being a victim of abuse has made me stronger. People at school, think im just the blonde pretty girl who has no personality and is dramatic. I can garantee im not. My father is a convict, my mother is stuck in a relationship for money, my brother suffers from multiple mental health issues. Dont even get started on me. Theres this one girl in my year, for some reason she really irritates me. I mean, she is pretty normal. Has lots of friends that are girls and boys, posts tik toks, is an old friend of my bestest friends. But she annoys me. She is a clear example of a privelledged person in my year who has no clue of the real world, and probably never will. She is popular, and whne ur popular u have so much power its insane. Im not popular. I dont know why, but i dont have alot of friends, When i do make a friend, they often say to me “ jeez your not as bad as everyone makes out” my heart always sinks. What is it about me thats so awful? I mean its probably the fact that i wear a mask to school, i act confident, smart, your tyypical dramatic teenage girl, when really im not confident, i dont think im smart and really nothing fucking fazes me. I sometimes think about posting online “ guess what? Just thought i would let you know i was abused all my life, emotionally and physcially by my dad, and now he has been arrested, so no, im not some fdramatic brat that has no clue, i know more about the real world than any of you” that would make me happy for about two seconds until i am then percieved as the attention seeking bitch. i mean, i swear you cant win in high school. I found out my classes for next year, there is this boy in one of my classes that i used to have a thing for, we talked at parties, over snpachat, but then out of nowhere he started dating some girl that was really popular and i guess u could say “edgy” however i was used to never getting the boy i liked so i moved on. But now he is in one of my three classes and i really cant afford to be distracted. Netx year is going to be the best year, i will hopefully be skinny, be applying to uni, be making friends, going to parties, possibly even a boyfriend. Although i am extremley picky, and the type of girl who likes one boy and wont settle for anyone else. Anyway my sugar headache is overpowering me and im tired. So night

[bigskydreaming]

So this is...its a thing. Let’s go with that. I’ve been calling around LA for pretty much all of last week, going through every oral surgeon I can find to see if they do the surgery I need and what their schedules are like, how soon I could get into surgery, etc, and also I’ve been asking literally everyone I know if they know of anyone, have a referral, etc. Even reached out to this old client of mine from back when I was doing sex work, years and years ago, to see if he knew anyone in LA with connections at Cedars Sinai or another hospital, like, to see if they could even just check with their hospital to see what visiting doctors specialize in that kinda thing. Keeping in touch with people from my sex work days, lol, is not something I normally did, or do. He’s literally the only one, and that’s because it just....kinda happened? *Shrugs* He's not a regular presence in my life or anything like that, just the only one from those days that for various reasons, I kinda kept in casual contact with - which for me pretty much meant that I called him or he called me like, a couple times a year to just be like hey how you been. And it’d been a couple years to be honest, cuz like....*gestures at the last two years* 

LOLOL. I guess I just have very low standards for people keeping in contact with me. Who knows why. One of those inexplicable mysteries I guess.

But point is, he got back to me like, the same day, and acted as a go between for me with this old friend of his, who works at Cedars Sinai as a chaplain, their non-denominational one...last week, at the time, I was only focused on the advice part of the email he sent after he asked around the hospital for recommendations, and it kinda didn’t even register that this guy wasn’t just....had connections at Cedars Sinai, but was actually working there himself (for some reason, I thought he was in a different state when first put in contact with him, whatever). Let alone what his title there was. So he gave a recommendation that I’m following up on today, and I just called the old client of mine who put me in touch with him to clarify a few things he’d say, and it only then hit me where this friend of his worked, and so I asked how long he’d worked there and turns out it was two years.

Which was...when my aunt killed herself. And that was where she worked.

So. Like. This random guy who I’ve never met before, doing a favor for me as a favor for this guy who used to pay me for sex and kinda almost accidentally ended up as like...a casual but distant friend, is literally the guy who was hired to replace my aunt as the non-denominational chaplain at Cedars Sinai when she died two years ago.

And I don’t have the first fucking clue what to do with that?

Like....I’ve always considered myself ‘comfortably agnostic,’ like I’m more than willing to believe a higher power exists, I’m just not all that concerned with forming a definitive idea of what that might be or look like or want. I hate organized religion with a passion because lol, repressive Catholic upbringing, and I’ve just never felt a particular need to go out and look for faith in anything other than myself and like....the things in life I actually value, y’know? I’m of the mindset that like, I figure if I do things cuz they’re the right things to do and try and live a good life where I’m helpful to people and empathetic and compassionate, whatever that Higher Power’s specific deal is, they’re either gonna decide that’s good enough for them when I die, or if its not good enough on its own merits, like...idk why I would even want anything from them or anything to do with them anyway? Like sure God, send me to hell because the only thing that really matters in the end is I didn’t sign up for your official email mailing list or whatever the fuck. Nope. 

So religion and faith and spirituality have never been a big...thing for me, or part of my life, its not something I really feel like, a void for not having or whatever. I don’t have an issue with what anyone else believes or why, up until the point where their personal faith apparently requires them to like....impinge upon my actual life and ability to live it the way I choose to....but I’m not like that dude who goes around trying to poke holes in peoples’ faith, just like...respect that I’m not interested in a sales pitch and we’re cool, y’know? Like my aunt was a chaplain, literally the only person in my family who ever kept in regular contact and like, made a point to check on how I was doing and shit and like...idk, loved me, is I guess the word to use? LMFAO. But like....yeah, she was the only relative I actually felt valued by, and thus the only one I really had anything like a regular or ongoing relationship with....*shrugs* So like yeah, whatever. She believed things that I don’t necessarily NOT believe, but more just have never felt a need to explore or try and decide just WHAT exactly I believe or put a name or a description to it.

And I’ve never been someone who sees signs in stuff that happens, nooooooot a fan of fate or destiny as a general concept and like....I’ve got no problem believing that things like ghosts or demons or anything like that could exist, y’know, things that just can’t be explained by science or anything near to our current understanding of reality at least....I’ve just never had anything remotely close to something I would describe as an encounter with the supernatural, or demonic or divine or anything really...spiritual, I guess?

So.....I don’t know what to feel about this, lol. Like, I’m trying not to read anything into it, like y’know....a sign, haha, not because I wouldn’t like to think that my aunt is still looking out for me in some way, I guess, maybe? Like, of course I’d like to think that, I miss her. A lot. And actually have been randomly thinking about her a bunch lately, like at weird times like, I don’t know what it is that made me stop and think of her, my thoughts go there? So I mean....I’m just saying....it wouldn’t break my brain or upend my entire worldview to accept that could actually happen or be a thing, its more just that I’ve gotten my hopes up so many damn times this past year in specific, that I’m just like....I cant afford to pin my hopes on THIS, like that this is ‘a sign’ that this time, its going to work out? But at the same time, its SO FUCKING SPECIFIC a connection like, and in such a WEIRD fucking round about way, that its pretty much impossible NOT to try and read something into it? Like, the guy who replaced her never even MET her, she’s literally just the woman who had his office before him and well. Is probably just remembered as a depressing story around the hospital, to be totally honest, cuz like, there’s not a lot of follow up that tends to happen when you ask so what happened to her and the answer is well, she killed herself, y’know?

So its like, how do you not get your hopes up even just a little bit, from thinking about that......which I figure means, oops, further to fall and crash and burn if this lead fizzles out too and I got my hopes up for nothing, but if it does pan out, like....I guess that’s kinda the point of faith in a higher power in the first place, lol, to hope for better or believe that there’s a point to all this or a place this all is headed, idk.

But then also now I just fucking miss her too, like, even more than usual, and thinking the shit I’ve tried really really really goddamn hard not to think about for the past two years, like how I know she had her own mental health struggles and even physical health issues, and I know better than to fucking blame her and yet there’s that part of me that wants to fucking throw a tantrum about how i need her and how could she leave me alone with just the rest of my useless fucking joke of a family, but then there’s the other part of me that’s like well I obviously wasn’t the help she needed either, so its not like I’ve got any right to think I was owed her presence or help or anything like that, its just. Idk. I miss her. I need her. I love her, like there’s so many things I want to tell her that I never got the chance to because I didn’t just fucking take the chances I had when they were actually available and there are so many more things I wish she’d told me, and just. I knew she cared, at least. No matter how detached I felt from the rest of my family or just like...fuck family in general, lol, she was the one person there who I never doubted like...just cared. About me. Gave a shit, showed up, wanted me to actually be happy and wanted that to look like whatever I wanted it to look like, didn’t give a fuck what other people thought my happiness should look like or require.

And its just like, maybe this is just a really weird, strange, major coincidence or maybe its a sign of something or proof of something and maybe it doesn’t even matter, bc like...I was just gonna say that its not like I even NEED the answers or to know, but like lol, dumbass, the fact that I’m actually asking the questions or getting worked up over whether or not I actually believe this means something or I just WANT to believe it means something, like, would tend to suggest I’m shitting myself and I DO actually want the answers which suggests maybe I’m not actually as agnostic or at least not comfortable with being agnostic as I’ve told myself, which....oh fucking hell. Am I having an existential crisis? Is that what this is? Jfc I better not be having a fucking spiritual awakening or whatever the fuck, like that is not what I need, this is NOT the time for that, literally nobody asked and I should know, Ive been here the whole time and nope nope nope this guy is not your ‘but the real salvation came from finding strength and purpose in something greater than myself in my most dire time of need’ narrative or whatever like I FUCKING REFUSE, my belief system can go to the BACK OF THE LINE until I’m good and ready to deal with it on MY time, I didn’t sign on to do a rewrite of some modernized Book of Job shit, literally any other thought in my brain is invited to step the fuck right up because THANK YOU, NEXT, I just willingly made an Ariana Grande reference because I can think of nothing more suitably over the top dramatic short of tossing my hair which is much too short to toss but again I insist nooooooooooooooope.

Like, love you and miss you Aunt Diane, and if that is you looking out for me plz know I’m very grateful even tho it totally doesn’t sound like it, but like, you know me well enough to know that I like....object to this timing and context on principle, WHICH YES HELLO I AM AWARE SOUNDS FUCKING STUPID NOW THAT IM TYPING IT OUT YET IT PERSISTS SO LIKE WHATEVER AND STUFF....just. I am me, and thus I shall super gratefully take like....just a smidgen of hope and optimism or whatever from this offering so like, I don’t want to be RUDE, but then Im gonna put the rest of it back in its box and shove it alllll the way to the back of my Pressing Priorities and unpack all that at a very fucking much later date, thank you ever so much, because like....I gotta be me, and I have been partners in crime with my Cynicism for way too long to just bail on him now, like, what kind of person would I be if I just cut and run on the anthropomorphized negative outlook that has helped see me through life oh so jadedly until now? 

Ugh wtf, why am I like this, is it free will or is it God or is God even real or did Cthulu eat god or is God’s actual name Sonya and like I have no clue where I’m going with any of this, look the answer is obviously that a faithless blasphemous heretical fucker has phone calls to make today, and nobody’s finding the light here, nope, nope, NOOOOOPE, my motel’s one shitty lightbulb works GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME.

[steaktalk]

F25straight -My best friend recently got sick (stomach issues) which triggered major anxiety&depression issues she'd never had before. She's basically become recluse and is convinced it's more to do with the stomach issues than it all being mental even though drs have made her go see a psych/takeantidepressants etc. She is being super stubborn &doesnt seem to me like she's trying to push through to get better. I understand mental issues so much -gone through it myself & experienced it in family

                                                                                                                                                                                                   Anonymous said to steaktalk:                                                                            (Cont. best friend story)I’ve been tryng lightly to get her to do stuff with me that’s super casual & dsnt involve food (all of which her bf who she lives with,suggested to me)but she usually just says “maybe”&then never replies. Everytime I see her she just goes on about her problems, either to me or to anyone who’ll listen. Ive gotten tothe point where idont know what to do bcos dsnt seem like i can help her bcos she dsnt seem to want it?Do you have any advice? Feels like i lost my best friend            

having chronic illness is so depressing and difficult to navigate that i would never wish it on anyone or the people around them. Your friend has every right to clam up and hibernate but you also have every right to be irritated with the negativity, you just have to accept that this is what she has energy for right now and then protect your own headspace by only allowing as much exposure to her as you can handle.

there isnt a right or wrong in this situation, so just shedding some light on the situation. Her problems probably feel very loud in her head and if shes opting to not/cant afford to/feels to sick to funnel that into healing/therapy then you can’t do much at this point in time.

Most people with a chronic illness, will say “I love that my friends check in, but hate when pressure me to do things or require more than I can give”. Its selfish, but its all people have most weeks. And when you’re dealing with weighty subjects in your own life, its hard to be light hearted and joke or listen to trivial bar gossip.

[chimcharstar]

1 THROUGH 55 AND 1 THROUGH 30 GO GO GO

LETS FUCKIN GO

tumblr please actually make this a keep reading

55 interesting questions you should drop in someone’s inbox

1. If you didn’t have to sleep, what would you do with the extra time?

I ALREADY WATCH NETFLIX AND AGONIZE OVER MY STORY

2. What’s your favorite piece of clothing you’ve own/owned?

MY JACKETS. ANY CHEST OBSCURING, BROAD SHOULDERED, COZY JACKET

3. What hobbies would you get into if time and money wasn’t an issue?

DANCING, ID NEED TO GO TO CLASSES OR SOMETHING

4. What would your perfect room look like?

IM ACTUALLY PRETTY HAPPY WITH MY ROOM BUT IVE ALWAYS WANTED A LAVA LAMP, AND 1800 MORE PLANTS COULDNT HURT

5. Do you play sports?

NO

6. What fiction place would you love to go to?

SINNOH REGION

7. What Job would you be terrible at?

DEBT COLLECTION. I WOULD BE GIVING SHIT TO PEOPLE FOR FREE. I COULDNT BEAR BEING ENCOURAGED TO FORCE PEOPLE WHO CANT PAY FOR SOMETHING TO PAY MORE

8. If you could turn any activity into an Olympic sport, what would it be?

SERVING. HOW MANY PLATES CAN YOU CARRY AT ONCE

9. What’s the most annoy habit other people have?

WALKING IN MY SPACE BUBBLE WHEN MY SENSES ARE OVERLOADED

10. What skill would you like to master?

A SECOND LANGUAGE

11. What would be the most amazing adventure to go on?

THE ONE FROM MY DREAM WHERE I KISSED A GIRL DYED MY HAIR BLUE AND WE ELOPED TO BRAZIL TO RAISE SHEEP

12. What’s your favorite drink ?

THAT CHRISTMAS SHIT. PEPPERMINT MOCHA AT STARBUCKS. A FRIEND GOT IT FOR ME ONCE. NOW I ORDER IT A BILLION TIMES.

13. What state or country would you never like to go back to?

I HAVE NOT TRAVELLED MUCH EVER

14. What songs do you have completely memorized?

I DONT REMEMBER LYRICS SO MUCH, BUT I COULD PROBABLY REMEMBER HOW MANY SONGS GO COMPLETELY

15. Are you usually early or late?

LATE. IM GETTING BETTER THOUGH

16. What takes up too much of your time?

GETTING OUT OF BED

17. What do you wish you knew more about?

SWORDS

18. What are some small things that make your day better?

COFFEE. SOMEONE SAYING SOMETHING NICE TO ME.

19. What TV channel doesn’t exist but really should?

QUEER EYE BUT BY TRANS PEOPLE FOR TRANS PEOPLE

20. Who has impressed you the most with what they’ve accomplished?

YOU. AND ME. ITS GROWTH

21. What age do you wish you can permanently be?

21, SO I HAVE TIME TO FIGURE OUT WHAT THE FUCKS GOING ON

22. What TV show or movie do you refuse to watch?

13 REASONS, THE BOOK WAS TRIGGERING SO I WONT RISK IT

23. What would be your ideal way to spend you weekend?

TAKING A WALK, HAVING COFFEE, WATERING PLANTS… IM HAPPY

24. What’s something in your life that’s considered a luxury?

I HAVE PERFUME...

25. Is there anything you’re too young/old for?

TO YOUNG TO NEVER DRINK. TOO OLD FOR POKEMON

26. What’s your favorite genre book or movie?

I DONT HAVE THE ATTENTION SPAN FOR EITHER BUT I SEEM TO LIKE URBAN FANTASY A LOT

27. How often do you people watch?

I THINK IM SO POLITE BUT HONESTLY, I QUIETLY SCRUTINIZE SO MANY PEOPLE ON THE TRAIN EVERY DAY AND GUESS AT THEIR PERSONAL HABITS AND SELF IMAGE.

28. What’s the best single day on the calendar?

MY BIRTHDAY, SAGITTARIUS SEASON RULES BABY

29. What are you interested in that most people haven’t heard of?

I DONT KNOW ABOUT ANYTHING PPL HAVENT HEARD OF BUT IM INTERESTED IN BLACK HOLES

30. Do you relax after a hard day?

FOOD. NETFLIX. DECOMPOSING ON TUMBLR

31. What’s the best book or series you’ve ever read?

I HAVENT READ A BOOK I REALLY LOVE IN AGES. HARRY POTTER AND ARTEMIS FOWL WERE MY FAVOURITES GROWING UP, BUT CORNELIA FUNKES BOOKS SLAPPED AND HIS DARK MATERIALS WAS GORGEOUS

32. Where’s the farthest you’ve ever been from home?

IDAHO?

33. What’s the most heart warming thing you’ve ever seen?

LUCIFER WAS LIKE YOU DESERVE SOMEONE WHO CARES ABOUT YOUR BORING MIDDLE NAME JANE AND KNOWS THAT EVERY MURDER BREAKS YOUR HEART AND YOU SIMPLY DESERVE BETTER SO NO MORE MOMENTS WHILE THEYRE HAVING A MOMENT AND CHLOE IS WATCHING THIS FUCKING IDIOT AND IVE WATCHED THIS BEFORE SO I KNOW SHES GONNA KISS HIM AND THEN THEY KISS

34. What’s the most annoying question that people ask you?

ANY SMALL TALK QUESTIONS

35. Would you give a 40 minute presentation with no preparation?

YES. ID MAKE THAT SHIT RIGHT UP. SKILLS

36. What’s something you think everyone should do at least once in their lives?

GIVE ME A HUG AND SOME CHOCOLATE

37. Would you rather go Hand Gliding or Whitewater rafting?

HANG GLIDING

38. Dream car?

SOMETHING I DONT HAVE TO WORRY WILL FALL INTO PIECES AT ANY MOMENT

39. What’s something so many people are obsessed with and you just don’t understand why?

STRAIGHT LOVE SONGS

40. What are you most looking forward to in 10 years from now?

HAVING A CAT

41. What’s something you’ve been meaning to try but haven’t gotten to it?

DECORATING THE DOLLHOUSE I RESCUED FROM THE BATHROOM

42. What’s the best thing that’s happened to you all week?

IM NOT VERY FAR THROUGH THE WEEK AND I HAVENT ENJOYED MOST OF IT BUT PEOPLE SAYING ADORABLE THINGS

43. How different was your life one year ago?

NOT A LOT DIFFERENT, IM JUST LONELY IN THE CITY NOW, MINUS A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP, ONE YEAR ON T

44. What/who would you rate 10/10?

MY CACTUS JAKEN. I DROPPED HIM SO MANY TIMES AN ENTIRE HALF OF HIS SPIKES ARE FLAT SCARS. AND LOOK AT HIM. THRIVING

45. What kind of art do you enjoy the most?

GENUINELY MADE ART

46. What do you hope never changes?

MY T PRESCRIPTION

47. What movie title best describes your life?

I LOOKED THROUGH NETFLIX AND I PICK TWILIGHT

48. What website do you visit most often?

TUMBLR

49. What’s something you’re looking forward to this year?

MY BIRTHDAY

50. What’s something you’d like to unlearn?

FINDING A REASON TO CANCEL EVERY SINGLE LITTLE THING

51. Where would you spend all your time if you could?

WALKING BY SOME RUNNING WATER

52. What age would you like to live to?

80. THATS MY MENTAL HEALTH ANSWER

53. What’s something you’re most likely to become famous for?

SOMETHING CREATIVE WOULD BE AWESOME

54. What’s something you’re most likely to be arrested for?

CRIMES

55. What’s something you really want but can’t afford?

A CAT

Lgbt+ ask game

What do you identify as and what are your pronouns?

I’m even a little shaken by a questioning state right now but for a while I’ve felt the best fit is the androgynous label -- I read a description of it being the purple on a pink to blue scale, both at once but not specifically either one, and something else by itself. I’m also happy with a cryptic masculine grey area. My pronouns are he/him.

How did you discover your sexuality, tell your story?

During the Puberty 1.0 nightmare, I was basically living someone else’s life, and any attraction I felt wasn’t in relation to myself. I felt disconnected from my body and gender and everything too, and I felt a lot of social pressure to experience a certain type of attraction, fit into a certain role, et cetera, and none of these feelings existed in me at all, so I used to identify as ace. When I realized I was trans, I was too caught up in the, transition safely, my life is a lie, stopping dysphoria drama to focus on this, but I had an idea I might be a gay guy judging from my gay creative writing until I caught feelings for a girl and realized this wasn’t the first time that had happened. Some bi positivity and nonbinary rage later, I am reminded that gender is a joke.

Have you experienced being misgendered? What happened and how did you overcome it?

Yes of course A LOT. Starting with my parents, who do it aggressively and maliciously. And plenty from strangers and customers, mostly after hearing my voice pre-transition. It used to hurt terribly because I was dealing with so much other stuff at the time, and one little thing could be the last straw, so I used to react strongly and harshly, to people you express yourself to anyway. On T, I’ve been so much more chill and confident, and it’s less painful to accept that some people just don’t know any better, although that doesn’t change its effect.

Who was the first person you told, how did they react?

I don’t remember, I think it was a high school friend. I vaguely remember texting someone in a bathroom during a crying session at work. My high school friends were all warm and supportive.

Describe what it was like coming out, what did you feel?

It was scary as hell. I’m sure coming out (with your gender specifically) is scary by nature because it’s a huge truth to be telling that can really change how the people you love perceive you, for better or for worse, but for me, I’m also thinking with the dread and certainty that my family would be too conservative and potentially dangerous. Coming out to my family was one of the worst, most painful things I’ve ever been through -- being kicked out and laughed at, a lot of drama, confrontations, Bible readings and being ganged up on at odd hours, trying to comfort my mom who took it as her personal failure -- I was shaking with adrenaline 24/7. I think of the “I’ll suffer through anything as long as it has meaning” comment that was about angsty fanfics, but knowing the truth about myself was a source of unshakable strength and it felt refreshing and even triumphant to say, like I was giving myself permission to exist for the first time. I came out a bunch of times, though...

If you’re out, how did your parents/guardians/friends react?

My family reacted mostly badly, my sister is a little confused but has the spirit, and my friends have been wonderful.

What is one question you hate people asking about your sexuality?

It’s more of a gender thing, but I hate it when people imply that I shouldn’t be on T or are subtly trying to talk me out of it with their questions. After all the disrespectful as fuck bullshit I heard from my parents, I’m tired of this.

Describe the style of clothing that you most often wear.

Zombie apocalypse denim? Gay Layers

Who are your favourite lgbt+ ships?

I’m not really emotionally invested in these “ships” you cool kids are talking about. I like canon, age-appropriate ones.

What does makeup mean to you? Do you wear any?

I’ve never really worn makeup. I brazenly never bothered to growing up, and if it had an effect on me socially, I was too tuned out to care. My sister always wanted to do my hair and makeup, but I wasn’t interested and wouldn’t let her, much to her frustration. I wore some for a musical once though, and I had no idea what I was doing and it was extremely uncomfortable. I felt what I know now is dysphoria and ended up using the lipstick to draw. Another aspect to this is my family forbade it (or my dad made the decision for everyone), not that it made my sister feel less pressured to wear it, so maybe it was some female presentation I could easily get out of. For that reason, I don’t have super strong feelings about it. Not understanding it probably resulted in me feeling left out a lot among my peers.

Do you experience dysphoria? If so, how does that affect you?

Yes. Before my realization, it was a numb horror I wasn’t consciously aware of, ruining nice things growing up to the point where I feel like I missed out on being a teenager. I remember it as feeling nauseous while sitting in a corner, feeling like none of my clothes ever fit for some mysterious reason. Living with my family in the closet, it defined my life, and I was obsessed with my presentation. These days, it does not bother me on that level at all, except a minor freakout now and then if I get really wild and wear feminine clothes. Or I still feel it in more subtle ways, when I default to customer service voice, or when guys my age are twice my height and I look aaaall the way up at them and wonder what gender they see me as.

What is the stupidest thing you’ve heard said about the lgbt+ community?

Trust me, I have heard truck loads of dumb shit and the winner is the Gay Agenda is R****a’s propaganda to weaken the integrity of North America. Considering what is happening over there, it was enragingly stupid.

What’s your favourite thing about the lgbt+ community?

I feel like I can be myself around lgbt+ people. I don’t feel like I have to hide stuff or put on a show, and I’m not afraid because it’s familiar territory.

What’s your least favourite thing about the lgbt+ community?

Aside from obvious problems like TERFs, ace discourse. Ace people are part of the community if they want to be and that’s enough on that, my skin is already breaking out.

Have you ever been to your cities pride event? Why or why not?

I finally went to a Pride event this year! I was surprised it was the first one I’d been to, then remembered my parents discouraged me from going anywhere, never mind to a gay where.

Who is your favourite lgbt+ Icon/Advocate/Celebrity?

I can’t think of many people right now, but Leslie Feinberg seems awesome, and some quotes from Stone Butch Blues are very validating.

Have you been in a relationship and how did you meet?

No. Technically I have been in one, but it was shitty and ridiculous, and basically platonic, and I don’t want it to count.

What is your favourite lgbt+ book?

I barely read… I read Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe in high school and it was honestly so precious.

Have you ever faced discrimination? What happened?

Yes. I got kicked out (but then kicked back in again), had my stuff stolen and damaged, was verbally harassed… and I was indirectly fired by an employer, but We Will Never Know Why...

Your Favorite lgbt+ movie or show?

Queer Eye! I don’t know of many though, and some important ones, I just haven’t watched.

Who are some of your favourite lgbt+ bloggers?

My mutuals :D

Which lgbt+ slur do you want to reclaim?

I’m okay calling myself queer.

Have you ever gone to a gay bar, or a drag show, how was it?

No, but I did see some drag performances at the one (1) Pride event I went to, and they were jaw-dropping.

How do you self-identify your gender, and what does that mean to you?

I’m not sure what this question means, but I decide what fits right by what makes me feel the most alive and emotionally real and in the moment. What makes me feel the most attractive to be honest. There’s a post about dysphoria I saw going around, the things on it are basically what I use to figure things out.

Are you interested in having children? Why or why not?

I am actually! Not anytime soon, but I’m the responsible type for sure, and judging by the way I love growing plants and being around animals, I’m probably a nurturing person. I actually like kids too, lol, they’re just so high-energy.

What identity advice would you give your younger self?

You’re a boy. Go!

What do you think of gender roles in relationships?

I think people are going to have different ways of expressing themselves that make them happy, but… I don’t think they should infringe on basic human decency. When I hear “role” I think of acting a certain way because someone told you to, something I want to disagree with on the spot.

Anything else you want to share about your experience with gender?

People move out of my way on the sidewalk and take me seriously now. Privilege or self-confidence… I never want to forget what it used to be like, or get too entitled.

What is something you wish people know about being lgbt+?

That it’s simply living one’s reality. I think that trips up a lot of straight people -- that some people just come like this, and they don’t have to make it fit into their personal identity.

Why are proud to be lgbt+?

Because I worked hard to be alive and happy right now. I’m proud of choosing to get through those rough patches, take care of myself, heal, take walks, cook breakfast, learn healthy coping mechanisms, that was out of love for myself and a defiant conviction that I have a place in this world.

[votometrash]

Love Choice Review

Okay so I had no idea Masquerade Kiss would be Love Choice, but this title has managed to tempt me into reading it anyway. I can’t say I’m happy about it but there are a lot of things I have to say, since the whole Love Choice (LC) system has been controversial, or just incredibly detested/undesired, ever since its conception. And it does suck since I’ve been wanting Voltage to release more mature titles (and the whole female spy thing was just a plus, I guess). Voltage did a really good job of hyping up this release and I love/hate them for it lmao. But yeah here are my two cents on the LC feature. Sorry for the longass rant in advance. If you only care about my opinion regarding Masquerade Kiss and Kazuomi Shido’s route then you can check out my review later on my blog (if and when I get to it). But I still mention the title here and there in this review since it is the first LC main story that was released.

For most people who have been with Voltage for a long time, LC is probably one of the worst things on the planet, right after the Love 365 app debacle which caused many to lose their stories if they weren’t aware of the transfer dates or not able to transfer their data (technically they’re losing the right/license to access those stories, cause they don’t own them) and all the other customer service horror stories you can think of. Generally, for people who think that converting coins into hearts and not being able to read the story however they want are terrible ideas, they will outright avoid LC titles/stories. Since LC is F2P, it isn’t much different from the other otome/visual novels that have premium options where people have the option to spend money.

But let’s just think about it for a moment.

The appeal of LC is that you can read the stories completely free of charge. Yes, there is a countdown timer which prevents you from reading the next episode immediately and you would have to spend hearts to bypass that. But let’s keep in mind that Voltage Entertainment USA (aka the subsidiary which creates apps catered towards Western audiences) is also doing something similar with the ticket system. Plus they don’t even give you the option to buy routes anymore, which is why we should be thankful that Voltage Inc hasn’t done that with their Japanese apps yet. I just want to make the best of what we are given (and hopefully try to get a little enjoyment out of it), even if LC is terribly implemented.

So just hear me out for a second. A very long second.

If you’re not one of those people who need every single CG and ending AND don’t mind the wait, this post is mainly for you.

PLEASE JUST READ THE DAMN STORY. LIKE READ MASQUERADE KISS RIGHT NOW WHILE THERE IS NO WAIT TIME (until 2/17). It costs you nothing and you will still get a pretty complete experience.  Don’t be stupid and believe that you’re missing out if you don’t get the CG’s. Go look the CG’s up online or something if you have to because I’m sure someone has posted them regardless of whether it’s allowed or not. It has a decent plot that doesn’t make me want to ram my head into a wall from secondhand embarrassment. Sure there are aspects of it that weren’t written well (will be explained in my review later) but it’s still a good story and I don’t regret reading it. It would be a shame to miss out just because you’re too busy hating on the system. If you don’t want to spend your free hearts (or don’t have enough) on CG’s that cost you 20-30 hearts and options that require hearts, just use it towards reading the next couple episodes (for when they go back to subjecting you to wait times). At least you still won’t be using as many hearts. Yeah the CG’s and love choices are hella expensive and they shouldn’t be. It might even feel like you’re being punished for not choosing those choices because in the end you won’t be getting the happy ending. But they’re not NECESSARY. However, if you still want the CG’s/happy endings, just reread it again later when you get enough hearts. I don’t know, that’s not a priority for me so I can wait on unlocking those CG’s. 

From Episode 1 up to the second to last episode, you’re getting the same. exact. content. Let me repeat that. YOU GET THE SAME EXACT CONTENT. The only thing is that you won’t get all of the CG’s or the super happy ending, which are what people are really paying for. Is it really worth it??? Voltage apps don’t have bad endings. They’re either the romantic/passionate alternate endings or it’s happy(or normal)/super happy endings. No endings where it’s game over, you’re dead or oops you screwed up this entire thing. You’re essentially getting the same ending, just a slightly different view of the events. Just more vanilla, if you don’t get the “better” ending. Slightly fewer lines of text, less description. Big whoop. That and well, you don’t get the CG. Too bad. No personal bragging rights for me to put on my metaphorical trophy pedestal. For me, reading the visual novel is the main goal. The art and CG’s are just a plus, a very much appreciate plus. I would care more about the plot because if you are reading a terribly written story, what’s the point in having good art anyways? You look at it for a bit and just move on to something else that isn’t a waste of time.  

And like....come on. If you hate the LC feature, that’s all the more the reason why you should try it. It won’t even hurt you to read the story if you’re adamant on not spending money/converting coins. Even if it’s terribly written, you didn’t pay for it like you would have with a P2P story. No monetary loss there, just lost time and feelings of disappointment. And if you hate waiting or think LC is a waste of time, just think of reading an episode whenever you have time. You don’t have to commit to it. You could speed read an episode in a minute or two and then go on doing whatever else you want to do with your day. It shouldn’t take up that much of your time. And if you forget to, it’s fine. Not something you’ll be too invested in.

They’re not charging you for anything, so suck it up. I’m sure you have other things you can do in the meantime while you wait for the next episode. Your life doesn’t revolve around otome games (unless you’re adopting an unhealthy lifestyle in which case you have more things to be concerned about). Don’t be a whiny bitch about it. And that’s why the hearts system exists... for the impatient people. They WANT you to spend money on their products, since that’s the whole point of running a business. Yes you’re paying for a one-time access when you’re using hearts to read episodes. Yes you have to start over if you want to reread a specific episode. Ultimately it’s up to YOU to choose whether you want to spend money or not for LC stories, but you don’t HAVE to.

Again, I’m emphasizing the word ‘time’ because if you really don’t have time, then seriously just do whatever you’re supposed to be doing jesus christ. Don’t feel like I’m calling you out for not wanting to read LC stories because you don’t have time to wait around for it. I’m not telling you to prioritize LC over Voltage’s other stuff. Just give it a chance if you can afford to do so, because money isn’t the issue here if you can read the story for free. I know people look towards Voltage apps as a way to relax and so that I understand that reading a LC novel would not be a choice if you have limited time. Because why go for LC if you have perfectly good apps that you’ve already paid for and can read whenever you want? I understand. I really do.

In regards to people complaining about Masquerade Kiss being a LC novel, I have a couple things I want to say. Voltage has the right to choose whichever title they want to be LC. Besides, what criteria do you expect them to use in choosing which titles should be LC? It’s not as if they’ll be like “oh let’s choose an okay title to be Love Choice”, just to make customers glad that they don’t have to waste money. That’s not practical. And ideally they wouldn’t want to be writing shitty stories anyway. They need to make money off them or else it’s a waste of all the money and time they invested into producing the title. For the most part, all the newer titles have been decent, if not good. There will be people who love them and people who hate them. So how would you decide the best choice to be LC among all the good titles? And it wouldn’t make sense to make a title both LC and P2P because that would be when people will REALLY start to hate LC, especially when you have to fork out a ridiculous amount of hearts for the CG’s.  Then there will be even more customer complaints yay. Also, if they made it P2P how many coins would they even charge for the whole route, considering how many hearts they have to spend for the CG’s? The CG’s are “free” only if you have enough hearts for those in-game choices that you want to choose, but if you’re paying for them that would mean it’s like $2-$3 per CG. 

Since they announced this feature, it’s here to stay unless they decide to get rid of it (which I doubt). YOU DON’T GET A SAY IN IT. Their company, their products, their choices. They will make whatever choices in which they benefit the most from. Sometimes those choices will align with what customers want. Sometimes they won’t. You don’t like it then you leave. That’s what most people would do anyway. Even if you do leave, there will always be more people getting sucked into the Voltage trap anyways. If you don’t, then you will continue to rot in the sin bin that is Voltage and there goes your money. Sadly, that’s how the world works. 

So yeah if you’re still reading, thanks for reading my very long winded, unpopular (probably) opinion. You’re a trooper. I have respect for you. I’m just here to get this off my chest. Please don’t hate me. 

[legojacques]

Kent starts taking a photography class at a community college and ends up meeting a really cute guy there. The cute guy doesn’t know that Kent is a famous hockey player, and over time, starts to think that Kent is part of the mob...

(This was an idea on the Parse Discord that got really long. I want to come back to clean it up and redo it as an actual fic (or ficlet) at some point, but for now, enjoy the ideas that came out of the chat.) (@overheardattheaces)

Under a cut because it’s hella long

Lego: "I started taking a photography class at the community college so I could take really nice pictures of Kit." "Okay...." "But then I met this guy there and he doesn't know who I am and now I'm in too deep." "Why?" "He knows I like hockey. He wants to take me on a date... to a hockey game." "Oh shit." "He know nothing about hockey." "That's really cute." "I know." "You're really screwed, Parse." "I know that too."

Linnea: kent's saved by the fact it's the unlv team and he doesn't have a game that night. they sit towards the back and kent keeps his hat pulled down low

abigail: but what if this guy tries to take kent to an aces game

Tony: i have no idea whats happening but i want the shenanigans that come from "i cant go" "oh, why?" "uh. i have. a thing that night"

Lego: Kent: i work a lot Cute Guy: that's a lot of really weird hours and travelling. (OH SHIT HE'S A HIT MAN)

Tony: knlkdfsnkgjsI WANT THOSE MISUNDERSTANDINGS MORE Cute guy: Oh don't worry I understand. (FUCK I DIDNT THINK HITMEN WERE THIS CUTE)

Lego: Cute guy: I'M LITERALLY DATING AN ASSASSIN BUT I DON'T CARE BECAUSE THE DICK IS TOO GOOD

Linnea: kent's in vegas. he has lots of money. this kid seriously thinks he's stumbled into dating someone in a mafia ring. 

Lego: Cute guy: wow how'd you afford this house? kent: oh you know, investments and stuff cute guy: DEFINITELY MOB MONEY

Linnea: cute guy: bites fist investments???????????????????

taggianto: Look it's Vegas. Either he's with the mob or he's a hooker. 

Linnea: his friends are like: you're the one who got yourself into this. if you end up buried in the mojave that's your fault.

abigail: im living for this 

taggianto: Maybe he's a hooker FOR the mafia

Lego: oh shit. he's the femme fatale. seduce em and then kill em

Linnea: femme fatale kent omg this kid has a new story for his friends every week

Tony: i mean depending on what Kent's into if the cute guy finds something in Kent's closet--

Linnea: and they've seen, like, his fancy car and his shiny watch and the way he always wears sunglasses and hats low so he won't be recognized and he's clearly built..... friend1: you can NEVER break up with him. friend2: and pray he never wants to break up with you. friend3: it was nice knowing ya....

Tony: hfdlfgg why do none of them READ A PAPER 

Linnea: they're college kids?

allison (believesinponds): Vegas isn’t a hockey town. Lol

Lego: friend: if they find a body in the dump we'll know it was you

Tony: im crying

Linnea: cute guy: we went to this really vip club over the weekend and they just....waved him right in???? 

Lego: kent's got access to all sorts of exclusive and hot clubs in town

Linnea: friend: oh shit, he must be connected to the family that runs it 

Lego: friend: i heard that some mobsters do all their torturing in the back because the loud music covers up their screams friend: he took you there as a warning

Linnea: kent: so i was watching the news and they said these meteors are supposed to hit next week and be super visible if you can get away from city lights. wanna hit the desert? cute guy: that's it. he's done with me and i'm going to become scorpion food and my mom won't even get to bury me

Lego: lol. imagine the car ride out there. kent: (i'm being so romantic)

Tony: its so t e n s e on one side

Tony: but only ONE SIDE

Lego: cute guy: IM GOING TO DIE 

Linnea: kent just wants a romantic date with the perseids 

Tony: Kent keeps looking over and smiling

Linnea: they get to the spot and kent reaches behind the seats. cute guy flinches cuz this is it. he's gonna die. but it's a blanket kent: let's get out. get a better view. cute guy: he doesn't want blood in the car. of course.

Lego: cute guy: the blanket is for bundling up my body because it's easier to clean up

Linnea: cute guy: i've seen this csi before

Lego: cute guy: there's no signal on my cell phone

Tony: when you're already at stage 5 of grief, acceptance

Linnea: cute guy: if i at least get one more good lay, it'll be worth it, right?

Lego: cute guy: best dick ive ever had. at least i'll die happy cute guy: maybe cute guy: i hope he chooses something quick and painless

Tony: i mean sometimes, the only way to go, is during Relations™ 

Lego: so cute guy survives a tense night in the desert. he feels like he passed some kind of test but he's not sure

Linnea: but how does he learn the truth?

Lego: hmmmm....he doesn't.lol, just kidding

Linnea: and how hard does kent laugh when he finds out what cute guy thought? also looool when cg sees scraps

Lego: looooool. one day cute guy bumps into kent and scraps at a restaurant cute guy: okay we at least have it narrowed down to russian mafia

Linnea: scraps is canadian lol

taggianto: Mafia scraaaaaaps 

Linnea: lol it's post-game so they're in suits

Lego: Another time cute guy sees Kent with a bunch his teammates. They look like his bodyguards

Tony: I mean is Kent the smallest guy on the Aces You see all these guys in suits that are 6’0-6’5 surrounding this 5’10” dude and literally all you can do is be like what the fuck Anyone with any context is like “oh there’s the Aces” but if you know zero about hockey you’re just like “the mob is here”

Lego: Cute guy: on one hand, that's terrifying because they can break every bone in my body but on the other hand.... Kent looks so good

Linnea: friend: like, at least they won't break every bone in your body without his permission?

Lego: Cute guy: part of me is ready to be mob wife Cute guy: the other part of me is screaming run

Linnea: friend: ignore it. you can't run faster than the mob.

Lego: Cute guy: mob wives always look good though. Like I'm going to need to step up my fashion game. I always wear sweatpants.

Tony: I love that his concern now is his fashion game

Lego: He's seen Kent in his expensive suits. And even Kent's sweatpants are expensive.

gizelle from hell: Kent wears vetements nah jk he probably just has a lot of adidas and rebook gear

nerdflighter: somebody needs to continue this is absolute gold no wait I'll tell you how this guy finds out. this guy's name is,,,,,David. it's David. David eventually realises that Kent loves him for real and is not going to kill him in desert or something like that. and he loves Kent back so when David proposes, his proposal goes something like: "Kent Parson, I've loved you for almost 4 years now. you have an amazing dick, and you're the most handsome, generous, gentle, person I've ever met. even if you're in the mafia, I'd still like to marry you. would you make me the happ–” "you think I'm in the MOB?" [record scratch sound]

abigail: IT GOES ON UNTIL HE PROPOSES I'M DYING 

nerdflighter: ME TOO. they have a long sit down conversation about how DAVID THOUGHT KENT WAS IN THE MAFIA. FOR 4 YEARS. WHILE DATING HIM

abigail: oh also, when this guy and his friend's see kent after a rough game, with a swollen eye and cut lip, they are downright terrified, more so than they were before

nerdflighter: David's friend Eliza, drinking Starbucks: could've been worse. for a while there he thought you were a femme fatale

restfulinsomniac: They run into Tater at a bar and David is like “oh my god there’s a scary Russian guy glaring at us this is how it ends I’m just gonna get killed in the crossfire” 

nerdflighter: Kent, staring at Eliza: have I seen you before? Eliza is an intern in the PR department and the biggest troll ever

Lego: kent: hey so some the guys wanted to meet you . [nervous laughter] cute guy: oh my god they go to a low key restaurant where everyone is shifty and watching what they say because they've been warned by kent to not reveal his identity cute guy: definitely mafia

abigail: omg what if a fan approaches them when they're out like that

Lego: kent: [panics] [whispers to a teammate] can you take care of it? teammate: distracts the fan but what cute guy sees is the teammate leading the fan out of view somewhere to be "taken care of" at some point, cute guy overhears a conversation between kent and one of his friends kent: i need to tell him the truth. i feel bad lying to him. cute guy: [reveals himself] cute guy: it's okay, kent, i already know kent: omg you do????? how did you figure it out? cute guy: it was so obvious. the money. the hours. the bruising on your knuckles cute guy: i love you anyways kent: aw that's a relief kent now thinks cute guy knows he's a hockey player. cute guy continues on thinking kent is a mobster

nerdflighter: LMAOO. this is exactly why David was still under the impression that Kent is mobster by the time he proposes (does Kent think David has trust issues/an abusive ex bf because of the way he behaves around Kent's teammates?)

Lego: i mean.... if i had to meet a team of huge, hulking, famous hockey players, i'd act shifty af too. also, that's a lot of people to meet in one sitting

Lego: cute guy: so that scraps guy is hit man, right? kent: (aw he's so cute when tries to talk hockey. i think he means defenseman) kent: yes dear

Linnea: kent: he's an enforcer, yeah, but a total sweetheart behind the mask. 

Lego: kent: yeah he's a bit of a goon and he hits hard but he's always there when you need him

nerdflighter: scraps, a gentle boi, trying to make nice with David: so, I heard you're in college? David, screaming internally, heard from whom? your "friends"?: yeah, I study microbiology

Linnea: scraps: is that, like? the csi stuff? with blood? david: screaming internally, i promise i will not end up on the opposite side of the law from you no, it's bacteria, viruses, prions, cells. biology on a microscopic level. scraps: are you gonna be a doctor, then? if you do, i'm sure we can find you an opening. david: aaaaaaaaand now i'm going to be a mob wife and a mob doctor x.x

Lego: kent comes home one night with blood all over his clothes (from a bloody nose) cute guy: it's okay. i've been preparing myself for something like this. i know how to remove blood from clothes kent: oh wow that's handy

Linnea: cute guy: or is it better to burn them?

Tony: kent: Do not burn this its Versace i know exactly nothing about fashion ignore me

Lego: cute guy: i also know how clean car interiors too kent: i would never get blood in my car

Lego: cute guy to his friends: it's like he's a really hot james bond villian. he's even got the cat and everything

Lego: cute guy: did you ever have a different vision for yourself? like did you ever imagine you'd ever wind up as a, you know, for a living? kent: i mean, not really. it's what i've dreamed about my whole life cute guy: (WHO DREAMS ABOUT BEING IN THE MAFIA AS A KID???)

abigail: OMG. ON A SADDER NOTE. but what if kent tries to talk about jack to cute guy and he brings up the OD and cute guy is just like "yep his mafia friends couldn't handle this life" or "what if it was planned,,, is someone coming after kenny in that same way"

Lego: kent mentions "bad bob" a couple of times and cute guy thinks that he must be the godfather, mob boss guy. it's a very intimidating name

[icharchivist]

perso-rant underneath and at first i intended it to be more light hearted but welp cant dive into myself without digging the bad stuff so just ignore this as rambling.

(idk if the cut works on mobile so as usual blacklist #ichapersonal to skip it , its quite long)

its night and im noisy and all but yknow part of the reason m/lb is such a healing show for me and i rewatch it every couple of days?

i cry everytime M.arinette's family is on screen pretty badly bc i get so envious all the time. i hate my shitty family (and often can relate to A.drien's ressentment) so just seeing such a /healthy/ family being often shown litterally brings me to tears. im like C.hat in the animan episode when he stares at the family picture with a sweet smile (another detail that stupidly make me cry who allowed th i s)

like. i dont relate to A.drien's relation to his family but some of the emotional effects is often a moment of "welp. mood." and being kinda sad /for him/ even if i can feel it for myself too. but then with M.arinette's family everytime they get to be on screen i realize how happy this sort of dynamic makes me and it makes me /so envious/.

like my mom is an artist and an excellent cook but she always barred those interests from me bc it was /hers/ and it was for /her ego/ and this attitude just killed every curiosity i had and remplaced it with a complete unability to care.

i used to bake as a kid but my mom was always shutting down everything i was doing, and if i was asking for help or recieps she would just tell le "it's a secret just watch " and never letting me know tf she was doing so i stopped lmao. everytime ive tried meals since it was only for myself and with a hard mocking from family and mom saying she had a better recieps and i should just let her do so i dont even try it often. (moreeven now that the kitchen is opened to the living room and they're super judgemental when im in it)

i was messing with drawings and paints in her workshop when i was a kid but she would always point out flaws and take my tools to correct it without telling nor showing me how and it killed it, it took me until my 14yo to start doing mindless doodles and then my breakdown when i was about 20 to seriously try back to draw and do art and try different tools (until my right hand made it impossible for me to hold a tool and the failure still feels yknow)

i wanted to sew things and make clothes (at the time for my dolls) but my mom was never letting me touch the tools (that we HAD since not only she made clothes but her mom actually had a fabrique shop. like. right next door. i think it became part of my mom's trauma hating her mom and refusing us to connect with her, more so with what happened when i was 7 and we lost contact with them but still, the damn irony. and i cant remember if my grandma ever let me close her sewing material but i was a damn kid after all) so this is another thing i didnt pursue

i wanted to pick up music (piano mostly) bc my uncle is a musician but my parents never wanted to invest in that because they already gave a piano to my sister (that i wasnt allowed to use) so ye that was dropped lmao

and i started to write when i was about 11 and it was that /one thing/ i didnt need help for from anyone, completely self taught, with my own ways and tools, and my parents were always dismissive of it, never listening to me, always telling me it wasnt important, that i should focus on something else, and after other circumstances that added to that i dropped writting around my 17/18yo and it had been painful to even try to write again since.(i came back to writing around my 20yo a bit before my breakdown but after it happened it started to die out and i felt exhausted and stopped after a few months and since then i've never been able to pick up writing again ay.)

(and im not touching the obsessive elements bc like- the fact she does it for her crush makes it different, but the sort of things she does? taking pictures and putting them everywhere in her room when she hyperfixates, making overcomplicated schedules and such? i litteraly do that with fiction. i made a freaking timeline for this show. i am currently working on organizing codex from d.a and an approval guide for christ sake. and im not talking about my multiple fandom shrines in my room and the fact i legit have one for m/lb made from pictures found on merchs.

or also the fact i have a lot of passions i'd love to share and seeing M. play video games with her dad for exemple makes me so bitter when all i get is backhanded insults from my parents when i bring it up.)

So sometimes i see M. and part of me is just in awe, loving everything about her. the other part of me tho... i feel... a bit robbed? like she's such a creative kid, she's incredible and she inspires me everyday, and i cant help but think how i would have adored her when i was a kid. (im not even kidding, as a kid i requested my mom a costume of black cat for h.alloween and a l.adybug costume for the carnaval. i have pictures of that at my dad's place sadly it kills me. also my room when i was a kid used to be covered with l.adybug stickers like. HELL my mom doesnt care about my interests but last year she bought me a M/LB winter callendar (bc its been years i was mentioning i wanted one, a selfish whim but oh well) and i had a huge double take bc i was certain she didnt remember me talking about this show- and she did not. when i asked her why, she legit told me "because she reminded me of you as a kid with your pigtails your obsession for l.adybugs". like!! i cant even stress how kid!me would have adored this show and especially LB./M.) (the pigtails too this time i have proofs around there i used to carry them all the time until i was bullied for it at school. (bullying at school instead of good friends also adds to the difference in question tbh lmao))

there is something so... weird into seeing the parts of yourself that you cut yourself from in a character, and see that the main difference is because of how the family (and bullies) treated those elements so drastically differently.

my family was always neglectful but differently than A.. the things i relate to with him is how he specifically still holds on hope that his father will do better at least just for one day and his reaction when he's left down saying he's just used to it. and like normal, not every kind of abuse are the same and all but i still relate enough to feel sad.

but M. is always a whiplash of feelings like i could have been this sort of girl in a better environment.

at 13/14yo she was already making stuff up, baking, designing clothes, doing art, she was doing so many things, even forgetting the superhero part. she was being happy being a creator at her pace and with encouragement. at 13/14yo i was starting to show concerning signs of d.epression because i was trying to handle my parents's divorces and the multiple trials that followed that /i/ had to handle by finding middle grounds, allowing some of my father's blackmail to avoid worse, and by litterally having to collect infos from mails everytime to prove against some of his arguments to the judges. and my sister refusing to talk to us for a year, which caused us basically to feel very bad thinking of the eldest sister who ran away from home, and having to handle my father's harrasment and emotional abuse of constantly belittling me (fuck this was the age he legit told me i would probably end up a p.rostitute so ye!!! fuck that!!!) andd the fact my mom was also falling apart from all of it on me and i was always supposed to cheer her up while i was having a hard time in a new school and new environment away from the very few friends i had and again feeling abandonned by my sister which freaking sucks after already had suffered that from our eldest one.

but M. makes me cry every. goddam. rewatch. its like maybe the ultimate wish fufilling story of just how i would have loved my family to be. of how i think i could have turned up.

and that realization hits so badly everytime.

there's a thing with my hyperfixations where i'll always find a way to tie it back to my traumas. i dont know if im pulling straws, or if the things are there. for having watched m.lb when it came out unfazed and only got hit with that realization upon rewatching- i feel it was more me realizing "there is something there that is touching me more than before" and having an introspection to get it.

and i think the difference is that- before my breakdown the characters and stories i related to where the eternal optimistic-yet-damaged "never give up!" type of characters. When things started to go downhill to my breakdown and since then the fictions that talked to me the most were all dealing with guilt coming from toxic environment that werent your fault per se but you pierceved that way. my way to relate were to characters who felt deeply connected to their guilt (peak being c.loud of f.f7 that even topped it with the deadly skin disease making him lose will to live (because ye that happened. still hate to watch out for that so ye), and memories issues, you would have told me at 13yo when i first watched that movie that this would be what i would relate to him about 7 years later i would have laughed at your face.), which translated with pushing people away and self destructing habits.

and i know i watched m.lb the first time around that time, when i was 20/21. and that may be why i didnt feel that. that my concerns were too elsewhere to realize that. That i was too focalized on how i felt like i failed by suddenly breaking under the pressure, having all the things i've kept burried kicking me out at once, and that i couldnt afford to be a burden to anyone. and it translated with me loving characters like that because in most cases their friends ended up reminding them of what was important - and sometimes just getting frustrated about your fav being as dumb as it forces you to pull yourself back together lmao. not always working but it was there.

now im 23. i cut ties with my father for about 3/4 years now, with all the shitty things that ensued out of the last trial where he sued me and his still-happening harrasment (sometimes silly sometimes scary). My mom and step dad are suffocating me more and more everyday. my health had become so disastrous i cant even manage to go school or find a job. And more than ever im frustrated and angry.

and i think it may be a shown of recovery? perhaps linked to therapy? of while i still have guilt of falling apart- /they/ are the reason i fell apart. and I'm yet to have proper apologizes for it. i grew furious at my family. of how much i feel robbed.

lately im so angry at everything i lost, was taken of, stolen childhood all of that- because of my parents, mainly. (hell even the bullying at school - in primary school it apparently started bc of gossips about why my eldest sister ran away from home, and in middle school it was first bc my parents insisted on sending me to private school where i was an outcast. which then had me truly embrassing the outcast persona that had made it impossible for me to be at peace in the two others middle schools i went to. highschool saved my social life tbh).

i think it's therapy and recovery that is making me shift the blame and feel so angry at them. so bitter. and suddenly i see in an innocent kid show a "what could have been". same starting personality, different people to channel this.

and this is. frustrating.

but it makes me love it even more. idk if its driving anything else than ressentment but at least for the time of an episode I'm in a bubble of a.lternative universe where i can forget about my life and feel satisfied at once.

like finding a piece of myself that i deliberately broke and burried to never think about it again, and realize far later how it missed to the whole, and how damaged this piece is now, but still is.

and there is something incredibly healing about that. i would never have thought there would be this much healing out of this anger and yet satisfaction. what a strange feeling.

fiction is funny that way. the things people can get out of it to deal with their own psyche are so different one person to the next.

it's just so weird for me to go from "i relate to the horrors this character went through" to "and fuck those horrors. let me think about what could have been if this didnt happen."

even moreso knowing i had this piece of fiction before and didnt approach it that way. there's a time and a mindset for everything. apparently now was the best mindset for me huh

.......

so ye apparently i cant like something like a normal person and have to go on about how it connects to my deeply rooted traumas lmao.

anyway it's been eating me up for weeks now and it's 4:45am i have absolutly no impulse holding me back. if you sat through this piece of work im sorry. just needed it to get it out of my chest.

i'll go back to hugging my cheap-yet-lifesaving c.laire's l.adybug pillow now

good night o/