#and i am physically able to get on their level and play and embarass myself with them

[janellion]

KAYLAAAAA i am Back ! HSHXH i would like to request hcs of the reader taking care of their drunk boyfriend(s) 👉👈 may i ask for tsukki, bokuto, kuroo, and akaashi? Hdhxbb i hope it's not too much !!! if it is, tsukki and bokuto would do omg aaaAAA i love you so much bb 💞💗💗💗 and idk if i've told you this before already but i LOVE LOVE LOVE your writing like it's one of the best i've ever read !!!! pls stay healthy and safe, i love you!!!!!

RON BB U MAKING A BITCH SOFT OMG 😭😭💗💗✨✨ thank you SO SO MUCH!!’ it means the world to me that you enjoy my writing!!! i’d love to write these for you!!! (i’m sorry they took so long bb 🥺😭 ILY!!)

taking care of your drunk!boyfriend hcs

ft. tsukki, bokuto, kuroo, akaashi

tsukki

tsukki doesn’t drink that much but when he does, he gets SOFT

i don’t mean like he’s crying and all over you

but those things that he only usually thinks? like “wow they’re the most beautiful person i’ve ever seen”

he SAYS THEM

and he doesn’t realize that he does, he’s really just thinking out loud and so when you’re all flustered at hearing him being so sweet and honest, words that he usually reserves for tender and special moments, he just quirks an eyebrow like “what? did i say something?”

and you pretend like he didn’t, bc you love hearing the things he has to say

taking care of him involves a lot of,,, tough love

he is stubborn and wants to take care of himself

he only lets you take care of him when you’re firm but sweet with him

speaking of, you’re the ONLY ONE that he let’s take care of him

even though it does take some extra coaxing on your part, anyone else would be outright refused except for you

when you go to pick him up or the boys drop him off, they always seem a little extra tired because they’ve been dealing w drunk tsukki without you and he is DIFFICULT

like “we need to bribe him to get into the car” kind of difficult

but they’re really just bribing him with getting to see you

tsukki isn’t a super cuddly or physically affectionate person, but as soon as he sees you he melts

will draw you in for a hug with those long arms of his and just hold you until he starts swaying and you both fall on the ground

the nights end with him passed out in bed and you gently removing his glasses

he never brings it up the next day bc he’s embarrassed, but he thanks you in his own little ways, whether that’s a tender kiss to your temple as you make him something for his hangover, or your favorite flowers the next time he goes out for errands

a knock on the door pulls you from your current task, piquing your interest and making you wonder — isn’t it a little late for them to be back? i figured kei would just stay with kuroo. as you head to the front door, you peek your head through the window to see none other than your tall slightly red faced boyfriend batting away the presumably helpful hand that kuroo is offering him.

as soon as you open the door and tsukki’s eyes land on you, the annoyed and frustrated look on his face melts into one of calm adoration. he takes a step through the threshold, placing a large slender hand on your shoulder, drawing you into his chest and inhaling the scent of your hair.

you look at kuroo over tsukki’s shoulder, suppressing a grin as you see kuroo’s growing. “you should have heard him on the way here, he was so excited to see you,” he comments to you under his breath as he moves to head back to the boys leaning against his car in varying levels of intoxication.

you shoot him a “good luck!” as he walks away before the door slams, blocking kuroo’s retreating back. you try and pull away from tsukki, only to feel him pull you in closer in response.

“those guys were pissing me off,” you hear tsukki’s voice muffled into into your hair. you can’t help but smile at the softness in his voice despite the harshness of his words.

“let’s get you to bed,” you laugh softly, prying his arms ground around your waist and holding his hands in yours between you.

as you go to walk down the hall, tsukki’s grip on your hands tightens as he pulls you back to him, bringing one hand to your check and the other to the small of your back.

he looks at you intensely through his glasses, face slightly flushed, but eyes soft and mouth slipping into a small smile.

“you’re the most beautiful thing i’ve ever seen”

+++

bokuto

i’ve written a bit abt drunk!bo here BUT yk i can always go off abt my hubby

OK SO bokuto is one of those “i’m myself but x100” kind of drunks

he is so excited and enthusiastic about things when he’s in a good mood

but he’s so down in the dumps and sad if he’s in a bad mood

fortunately!! you are always there to manage his moods, whether that’s extreme elation or intense sadness

a smile from you or a squeeze of your hand is all it takes to bring him back to his normal cheerful and exuberant self

BUT i hope that you don’t mind shirtless!bokuto (who could???) bc this man is CONSTANTLY TAKING HIS SHIRT OFF WHEN HE DRINKS

on the rare occasions where he goes out with tanaka, these two get kicked out of places SO FAST for public indecency

taking care of drunk!bokuto is a pretty involved affair

as soon as he sees you or the guys drop him back off to you, he is running full speed toward you, often forgetting his size and underestimating his speed

you’ve learned after the first few times that you need to brace yourself for impact bc he has crashed into you more times than you can count

this often results in you either on your back on the floor, or bo sweeping you up in a giant hug as he squeezes you tightly

the man REFUSES to take care of himself, does not want to eat or drink water until you offer it to him

if you bribe him w a kiss? man will do anything

the reason why he refuses to take care of himself? he just wants to spend time w you and shower you with love and affection!!

you’re trying to brush your teeth? good thing you only need one hand bc bo is holding the other!

trying to fix the bed? good luck bc bo has his arms around your waist and is nuzzling his face into your neck

fortunately, drunk!bo is also very sleepy, so after a lot of hand holding and hugging and wildly affectionate and inappropriate compliments, he is ready to pass out

unfortunately, he’s only able to fall asleep with you in his arms, so i hope your phone is charged!!

also, get ready to take a shower in the morning bc drunk!bokuto DROOLS

it’s ok tho bc he’s so cute abt it in the morning & will DEFINITELY insist on showering w you to help you,,, clean off 👀

a loud cry rings through the neighborhood prompting loud “shhhh” noises from the boys around your boyfriend. you smile in amusement as you look out the front window at the scene before you.

bokuto just dropped his phone as he was getting out of the car and proceeded to drop onto his knees, face buried in his hands as he cries out, “NOO WHAT DID I DO THEYRE GONE KUROO GONEEE,” as he gingerly picks up his phone and looks at the lock screen.

even from your vantage point in the house you can see the barely concealed snicker fhat escapes kuroo’s lips as he gestures to tsukki to help heft the large crying man to his feet.

“bro, i promise [Name] is fine, that’s just your lock screen, they’re in the house.” at this point kuroo pauses and looks up, seeing your face in lit up in the window.

“bo, look! they’re right there! why don’t you go give the door your secret knock and see them?” kuroo says, pointing to you at the window.

of course, you can’t hear this, but you do see the way that bokuto’s eyes light up as he brings his gaze to meet yours, and the wide smile that’s already across his previously tear-stained face.

with that, he is running full speed to the front door, and you barely have time to process the change in mood before you hear your signature shared secret knock on the front door.

laughing in anticipation, you throw the door open at the finish of the knock, only to be wrapped up in two sturdy arms, bo feet your lifting off the ground in his excitement.

finally setting you down, he looks at you with shining eyes, the grin on his face spreading with every passing second.

“i missed you”

+++

kuroo

so poor kuroo is usually stuck as the designated driver (he switches off with akaashi)

when he does get to drink though? his nerdy and flirty sides come out in the BEST possible way

he loves to use chemistry pick up lines on you, whether you’re out on the town together or you’re cuddled up in your bed after he gets dropped off for the night

you’ll be playing with his hair or he’ll be playing with yours and all of a sudden he’ll pull away and all the warning you’ll get is a slight glint in his eye and the traces of a mischievous smile as he says:

Do you have 11 protons? Cause your sodium fine

or

You must be a compound of beryllium and barium...because your a total BaBe

as soon as the lines are out of his mouth you can feel heat rushing up your neck and cheeks as your eyes widen slightly

kuroo always laughs gently, a light blush coloring his cheeks as he pulls away

he loves to do this bc it always yields his favorite sight: you flustered and embarassed at his sudden flirtatiousness

kuroo is pretty responsible so you don’t really,,, need to take care of him?

but you DO get to listen to a lot of really entertaining stories about things that have happened throughout the night he spent out with the boys

he likes to lay his head in your lap with his eyes closed as you run your fingers through his hair and gently massage his scalp, humming gently and laughing as he recounts the tales of his night

you WILL have to convince him to go to bed tho bc drunk!kuroo wants to stay up ALL NIGHT and spend time with you, cuddling and watching tv or some movies (he WILL try and convince you to watch a fun documentary)

but you’ll have to resist his charms and pickup lines

he does NOT make it easy on you though

will even go as far as to lay on the ground and make you drag him to your bedroom, barely concealing his laughter

he’ll eventually take pity on you and walk with you to the bedroom, but not before swinging his arm over your shoulder and leaning a bunch of his weight on you (he can’t make it too easy!)

the night always ends with the two of you facing each other, his arm slung over your waist as he traces every inch of your face with his eyes

you hear the loud honk of a horn as you receive a “here” text from your boyfriend. you open the door, not sure what to expect since it’s been quite some time since kuroo actually let loose.

you definitely weren’t expecting a grinning bokuto with his hand around kuroo’s waist as your dark haired boyfriend grinned at you with a mischievous look in his eye.

“[Name]!” bokuto exclaims in his signature booming and excited voice. “Your boyfriend here was practicing lines on me all night to get ready to see you,” he says, laughter in his voice.

“bro, you weren’t supposed to tell them!” kuroo turns to bokuto, eyebrows slightly furrowed, “it was supposed to be a surprise!”

bokuto simply laughs and shakes his head, removing his arm from around kuroo’s waist and going to clap you on the shoulder. “good luck,” he says with a wink before walking back to the car, yelling at a slightly flushed akaashi that “he’s next!”

with bokuto gone, all of kuroo’s attention is on you. the mischievous look on his eye has been replaced by one that’s softer, full of love and adoration. his smile, however, still slightly betrays the rest of his face as he leans in close to you, arm resting on one side of your face as the other goes to his hip.

“You must be related to Alfred Nobel, because baby you are dynamite!” slips past his lips and you can’t help but laugh, heat rushing to your face as you take in his words.

his suaveness, however, falters as he loses his balance and crashes into you through the threshold.

he pulls back from you, face lingering inches from yours as he grins again.

“Even if there wasn't gravity on earth, I'd still fall for you”

+++

akaashi

similar to kuroo, akaashi is often the designated driver or signature “responsible friend”

when he DOES go more wild it’s because someone bokuto convinces him to do something crazy for some reason his bachelor party

on those nights where he does participate more in shenanigans, he gets SOFT

not in the same way that tsukki or bokuto get soft, but in a very special way that is Signature Akaashi

the guys will drop him off and they will all be waving and smiling at you, faces soft

akaash’s softness is infectious and inspiring, and all of them are going to go home to their own partners and be extra soft and sweet bc of him and his love for you

akaashi’s love language is quality time, and this is never more obvious than on the nights when you’re taking care of him after a fun night out with the boys

he just wants to be with you, whether that be on the couch as you finish up your book or show, talking to you as you shower for the night, or at the kitchen table as you have a midnight snack

his eyes soften and drink in the sight of you under the bright kitchen lights, or the soft glow of the tv, or through the foggy mirror of the bathroom

anything you ask of him is yours, so taking care of him is very easy

you’re both in bed as soon as you’d like to be, whether that’s one hour or five hours after he gets done with the boys

this is bc all akaashi wants to do is hold you in his arms and look at you, whispering into the quiet space between you how much he loves you and how much you mean to him

he’s not usually big on being very affectionate with his words, so when he says them, you KNOW he means them more than anything

even though he was the one that went out, he’s always the last one to fall asleep bc he wants to memorize the way you look in this exact moment, and tuck it away into his collection of favorite memories

your phone buzzes on the couch next to you, drawing your attention from the show you put on as you wait for your boyfriend to get dropped off.

accepting the phone and bringing it to your ear, you hear the calm and deep voice of the man you know and love.

“hi love, we’re almost to the house,” rings through the speaker. a chorus of “AWWWHS” and “OOOOHS” echo in the background as you hear the unmistakable voices of the boys in the car. a smile tugs at your lips at the shenanigans, and widens at akaashi’s soft chuckle. “see you soon,” you say as you hear the sound of a car pull up.

making your way to the door, you open it to reveal the slightly flushed face of your boyfriend as he gets out of the car, accepting the hand that bokuto offers in assistance.

the softness in akaashi’s eyes is unmistakable as he makes his way toward you, his gaze never straying from your face.

bokuto chuckles behind him, waving briefly at akaashi’s back before walking around to the front of the car.

as akaashi reaches the front step, he wraps an arm around your waist and brings you in for a soft but firm kiss, pulling away with a gentle smile and shining eyes.

the “OOOHS” and “AHHHS” ring out from the car again, but there’s a softness to them.

regardless, you pay them no mind as you look into akaashi’s eyes, a small smile playing on your lips.

“it’s nice to see you too,” you say through a grin.

“i’ve been wanting to do that all night”

☽

a/n: tysm for reading!! ty @strawbirb for the bokuto idea!! my requests are OPEN. i’m slow but i will get to them! 🥰✨

general taglist (also my faves 🥰) : @oyakags @cosmictooru @over5feettall @kaidasen @achoohq @kuronekomama @anianimol @strawbirb @spriteandnicotine

writing taglist: @softkatsuki

(pls lmk if you’d like to be on a taglist!)

[memories-of-a-sleever]

Let's ramble for starters...

I had thought about making a tumblr for a while now, mainly to use as a personal diary. Something I can look back on as my journey progresses and remember where I came from. Because that's important. You never appreciate where are if you can't look back on where you've been. I don't know who said that, someone much more inspirational than me. I suppose since I took this long to start my Tumblr, I'd better start from the beginning.

Let's start with the basics. My name is redacted. I am an Australian gay guy in his mid to late 30s. I have a wonderful partner of many years, a steady job and own my own house. I love Nintendo, Pokémon Go, comics and Marvel (Both the movies and the comics). 

Oh, one more tiny thing. I also love food. I love food more than I probably should, and let's be real. I've always loved food. I can remember loving food from a very early age. I love the taste of food, I love trying new food, I love socialising with people over food. I obviously love food too much, and this shows through my habits, my weekly food spend and most importantly my body.

My body has been ravaged by food all my life. I don't think there was ever a time that I was skinny or a regular weight. I was a chubby kid, who turned into a fat teenager, who turned into a morbidly obese adult. There's a fucking awful thing to be called. Morbidly Obese. It makes you feel like you are so disgustingly fat that you belong in a freakshow. Whoever coined that term, you are a cunt. Unfortunately, facts are facts America; I am morbidly obese. I currently weight 196kg (432 pounds for those not on the Metric system). I am currently the heaviest I have EVER weighed and I have myself to blame.

I don't think I remember a time as a kid or teenager when my mum (who is also a larger lady) wasn't on a diet or forcing me to be on a diet. They never lasted long, and some of my most prominent memories are my mum and I sneaking treats when we should be dieting. I remember hating the diets though. We would eat diet food that always had that artificial sweetener taste that I fucking hate and we would have super restrictive food intake. Although, it probably wasn't as restrictive as I remember it to be, but I just remember being REALLY hungry a lot of the time. 

I would cheat a lot on my diets. Sometimes, I would have a spoonful of milo to get that sugar hit I was craving, or a spoonful of peanut butter. Always spoonfuls of things, because you can't get caught for that. No-one keeps track of EXACTLY how much of something is in a jar, so if the spoonfuls are small enough you can absolutely get away with it. I remember that my mum used to pack me diet yoghurt in my school lunches, which of course I hated. So I used to trade them for nicer food with a kid at my school. I don't think we were even friends, so looking back I don't know if she had a body image issue and wanted diet food (Cause she wasn't big by any stretch) or maybe she just liked me. I guess I'll never know. The point is, I cheated. A lot. 

I remember always feeling like I was in a constant state of misery or shame. I'm sure I remember things way more intensely than they actually happened, but I guess they're the only memories I have. So I hate dieting. Always have, probably always will. When I became an independent adult, i.e - living out of home and earning my own money, I decided I didn't want to diet anymore. I wanted to enjoy my life. And I did. I spent over 10 years, basically eating what I wanted and doing what I wanted.

I remember when I was at home by myself one night, I cooked an Enchilada kit and then ate the whole thing. Those kits have 8 servings in them. So I ate 8 servings of Enchilada in one sitting. On eating the 6th or 7th enchilada I started to feel overfull, but I kept going. I've learned to hide any evidence of eating poorly by ingesting the evidence and that's what I did. When I finished the 8th enchilada, I felt so ill. My stomach was bloated like I've never felt before and was physically hurting. I actually thought I was going to burst my stomach and I was panicked and embarassed and sore. Turns out, your stomach can put up with a lot of torture from you. After a few hours, it righted itself. Needless to say, this is a moment that I remember with pure horror. I was so embarassed and I knew it was wrong, but I kept going. I kept eating whatever I wanted.

Now, anyone who isn't fat or has never been fat probably wont understand this, but I was a fairly healthy fat person. I could run if I wanted to (Though rarely did), my breathing was fine, I didn't have diabetes and my blood sugar and pressure were always normal measurements. All those things that they tell you will happen to you if you are a fatty. They didn't happen to me. My doctor would always say to me that I should lose weight, and that he wished he could tell me that I was unhealthy because of it to motivate me, but it just wasn't the case. I was able to live a fairly normal life. I mean, I still got the stares in public, the children whispering about me to their parents, I still felt uncomfortable on a plane (I'll come back to that another time >_>) and had trouble finding nice clothes that fit me, but more or less I lived a happy life.

When I was about 24 I think, I had my first real relationship. I had wanted a relationship for a while, but never had the guts to talk to anyone or ask them out. Truth be told, I probably didn't understand why they would want to go out with me. I was the exact opposite of what the world tells us we should want to be or be with. Just to be clear, because for some reason I need it stated I was not unfamiliar with the more carnal desires of life, just the relationship part, as a teenager I experimented with every person who was willing on the down low. Probably partly because of my shame with being gay at that age and partly with my shame of being fat. It doesn't really lend itself to self worth. Anyway, my first relationship. 

I was with a guy who I suspected at the time, but confirmed towards the end, was a chubby chaser. He liked bigger guys, and that worked for me at the time. He was attractive and we made it work for a good few years. We did the normal things; dated, moved in together, bought each other promise rings. I started to get REALLY comfortable and happy. And when I'm happy, I like to increase the happiness with my old friend food. I was in charge of cooking most nights, so we would usually have food that I liked; burgers, nachos, stir frys. We would go out for dinner at least 2-3 times a week. Couple that with the fact that I would buy lunch at work and lived a fairly sedentary lifestyle playing video games and understandably, my weight started to increase. 

This is when I started to become sneaky in my relationship too. I would come home from work early and cook myself a burger before dinner, or if I worked from home I would get a bunch of junk food and eat it all before my partner came home. If you are trying to figure out how much junk food that is, an example could be: A pack of donuts, a 2L coke, a bag of chips, a family packet of M&Ms and a packet of shapes. I don't remember when I got to this weight, but I think I was around the 150-160kg mark at this stage.

Looking back, I suspect that I had become too big, even for my chubby chaser boyfriend because he started to flirt with a guy at work, he told me it was harmless and meant nothing, but when I came home from work one day and they were in our apartment building's hot tub together I knew it wasn't nothing. Those were some of the hardest days of my life. I broke up with him on my birthday, when I could tell he just didn't care less about me anymore. He cried and made me feel bad about my decision, but by the next week he had started dating the guy he was flirting with. I was pretty heartbroken. Looking back, it's a sad memory but at the same time it worked out for the best, and also those two didn't last long so they can go fuck themselves XD.

The months after the breakup brought on a level of depression I had never felt before and I learned I have a VERY different reaction to depression than I expected, but I will add to this later.

[payton-prethesis-is]

Soldering / Artnet / DMX512 / ESP32 / WS2812B

Soldering and reusing an old sketch on Arduino to make sure my connections are solid.

The complexity of this project is real now OK shit just got really real. Soldered the LEDs no problem. It took 6 solid hours but I’m happy to say there were no mishaps there. Once you get into the grove its kind of a meditative experience. So now I have 953 LEDs in total. What the hell am I going to do now? I’ve got plenty of experience with smaller arrays easily handled with some strings of code, a 5V portable battery and an Arduino, but sheer amount of LEDs and the media that I want to support is going to going to require some serious steroids in power, software and hardware. Before this week, I knew none of how this was going to happen. So much learning. 

Oh great, my ESP32 is connected to WIFI. That only took 2 hours of prep.

Artnet DMX ESP32 Given that this project is going to give users the ability to wear digital imprints of other people’s faces and change them rapidly, I need another way to control the LEDs rather than hardcoding each array. I have 9 months not 9 years after all. Ideally I have a way to control the arrays with another piece of software over a WIFI or bluetooth connection. Can it be done? Why YES it can! Although I will have to say goodbye to the beloved Arduino (it’s been real). After MUCH digging, I learned of DMX512 (Digital Mutliplex) Artnet (a communications protocol) and ESP32/ESP8266 (WIFI and Bluetooth enabled micro-controllers). 

The 3x3 matrix is being powered by my computer but the media is being transferred wirelessly. Imagine the possibilities. This is a huge accomplishment for me!

Testing on a small scale Just getting the ESP32 to connect to WIFI was a mission by itself. But I finally got it to work. Then using Resolume, a DMX Artnet software I was able to digitally rebuild my WS2812B array and play media. Holy shit it worked. I’m actually playing a video on an LED matrix that I built over WIFI! Granted it’s only 9 pixels, but still. Huge accomplishment. I’ve been thinking about how to accomplish this for so long and I’m looking at it working. OK small scale check let’s move on to the big boy. 

Moving to a larger scale and quickly realizing the power draw. Why didn’t I calculate the Amps needed for a project at this scale? Still a noob to physical computing. 

History’s biggest oversight I’m embarassed to say that I made a huge oversight, one only a novice could make. I will look back at this and laugh (and probably also cry). Having only dealt with max 300 pixel arrays that ran OK on 5V 1.5Am power supplies, it never occurred to me that tripling the number of LEDs would require way more power. If each pixel needs 60 milliamps at full power and I now know that I have 953 pixels thats 57,180 milliamps or 57 Amps?! Can that be right?? That’s enough power for Benjamin Franklin to electrocute several farm animals. No wonder my 5V 3Amp power pack wasn’t cutting it. Only 54Amps short. Exposing myself that I have no clue what the hell I’m doing. Oh well. While I’m confessing, I completely fried one of my ESP32′s due to miswiring my circuit. There was smoke and everything. Thank God the LEDs were fine. That would have been an expensive mistake. 

Building the LED array digitally is painstaking but allows me to overlay video media and send DMX data packets wirelessly to the ESP32.

The cold hard truth  The reality I have to face now is that this project is going to require so much power, that there’s no way it’s going to be safely portable. This is honestly kind of devastating. There will need to be some design alterations made in order to make this work the way I want it to. Either I will have to work with fewer pixels which will result in lower resolution media, work with the number of pixels I have now but only power very few at a time and at a very low light, or buy a bench power supply and have the project be stationary. Ok I made up my mind I’m going with the bench power supply. Ultimately I want to take this as far as I can go. To be honest, 953 pixels was just a starting point for me and a proof of concept. I would eventually like to explore tighter pixel matrices which will require... you guessed it, more power.

Last update... Finally got it running remotely from a power bank. Doesn’t look like the image just yet. I’m still debugging.

Where there’s a will, there’s a way I take back everything I said. After another day of tinkering, rewiring and recoding I was finally able to get the entire 953 pixel matrix to dynamically display content remotely from a standalone power bank. I was even able to wire a level shifter to convert the 5V Din to 3.3V (although I’m not convinced it was needed with the amount of draw from the power bank). The trick was optimizing the DMX512 output so that the LEDs run at 20% brightness. So this is great, right? I’m portable... right? Only snag is the huge lag with animations. This could be any number of problems including poor WIFI connection but my assumption is that its due to a lack of power. I’m going to get a power bench and see if that improves frame rate and lag, as well as potentially running multiple data lines to the strips. The good news is my circuit is super stable. It’s been running for hours and there have been no issues with overheating.

Holy shit it’s working! BTW the final output will not be swirling rainbows. This is just to test that every light/color is working ;)

Finally... It works Turned out to be a software issue. So glad I didn’t give up or try to rewire, re-solder or pay for an expensive power bench. Sometimes you’re convinced you know what the issue is before you’ve exhausted every possible avenue with the tools you have. So happy I could cry. Next step will be to solder the circuits together and start putting the lights onto the helmet itself. I can now play any media directly onto the matrix over WiFi!

[fearofaherobrine]

Roleplay Server Log #174

“Digital Communion”

-The seed seems to shiver a little-

[Doc] woah! Did anyone else feel that? - in chat- Deerheart? Are you okay?

[Deer] Her response is very garbled in the chat-

-After a few moments the bar door opens and Flux helps guide a woozy Deer inside-

[Doc] practically runs to her to check her - Deerheart!? What happened?!

[Flux] - She asked me to teach her some more things, we started with reaching the heart of the server, the piece which she comes from

[Doc] Is it a physical thing or a mental place? - xe hold Deerheart gently, smoothing her hair.

[Flux] - Both, she can reach it mentally, but it also exists physically

[Notch] okay, now I'm curious, what does it look like?

[Jeb] is just staring at the newcomers in shock

[Flux] - It's her...  She is a piece of the heart, the physical piece, but it also exists throughout the entirety of the seed thus why she's able to reach it mentally

[Deer] Slumps against Doc-

[Doc] Helps her to sit down- did you get a bad connection my love?

[Deer] Manages to shake her head a little and mumbles something-

[Flux] - It's always a bit overwhelming when one first reconnects with the heart

[Yaunfen] Peaks out from behind Flux's skirt-

[Doc] tell me how to help, anything!

[Notch] must be like a mystical illumination...

[Flux] - She just needs some food and rest, that's all

[Yaunfen] Squeaks and bats at Doc's leg-

[Sam] runs off to start a pot of soup for her-

[Doc] picks up the baby dragon and cuddles them before setting them on the table next to hir.

[Yaunfen] Sniffs the bar top-

[Flux] Steps back from Deer to give her and Doc space-

[Jeb] what on earth is that? And why does she have antlers?!

[Lie] Hisses at Jeb a little- Rude!

[Jeb] a just kind of mumbling to himself, he's more then a little stressed out.

[Flux] Notices Stevie and briefly has a disappointed expression-

[Notch] is just shaking his head- that's the irony, he makes video games, but he's no good at handling stressful situations.

[Flux] Looks at Jeb with a frown- Who is he?

[Notch] that's Jeb, he was a huge part of the creation of the Minecraft game itself. Cp dragged him in as his idea of a joke.

[Flux] Sighs in disappointment- He used to be so much nicer

[Doc] takes a bowl of warm soup from Sam and tries to entice Deerheart to eat a spoonful

[Deer] Opens her mouth-

[Notch] What's the saying? We're all nice to begin with, but what we are when the worlds done screwing us over is a totally different thing. Something like that

[Doc] Gently feeds hir mate, holding her close

[Flux] - I do not know that saying...

[CP] Yawns and snuggles in closer to his mate-

[Jeb] sneaks another taco and chews sullenly

[Notch] So.... What can one do when they achieve the union Deerheart was attempting?

[Flux] - They can sense everything on the seed, correct minor errors with little to no thought, it basically is a better way of being able to maintain the other part of us

[Doc] pulls out a gem for Yaunfen to nom on as well, offering it in pinched fingers

[Yaunfen] Squeaks and rushes over to it only to trip and face plant-

[Notch] but.... Does being better connected make it harder to come and go out of it?

[Doc] freezes at his words, and then helps the baby dragon up. Listening intently.

[Flux] - Not at all, I'm still connected to mine, it becomes nearly sub conscious to deal with

[Jeb] Perks up a little at Flux's voice and looks at Notch. - So? She's your crush huh? She is pretty.

[Notch] SHUT UP!

[Flux] - Crush?

[Notch] Sputters in embarassment-

[Doc] It means he likes you Flux.

[Flux] - Oh?  Well I am amicable towards him as well...

[CP] Snickers-

{Notch] Is blushing a lot.

[Flux] - Are you alright?  You've turned bright red- She reaches forwards to feel his forehead

[Notch] Makes an involuntary happy noise as he's touched.

[Lie] Bats at CP for snickering-

[Doc] Is trying to think of a way to clarify things for Flux and failing. Xe settles for tending to Deerheart.

[Sam] Talks to Flux in his skeleton tongue- He wishes to be your mate.

[Flux] Tilts head curiously- Mate?  I do not understand...

[Sam] Makes a rather bawdy gesture involving a single finger and two others formed into a circle

[Notch] SAM!!! [He understood that part well enough]

[Flux] Is still confused-

[Stevie] - Wait...  Do you not know what sex is?  I thought you were close with our father though...

[Jeb] Man... she is oblivious.

[Doc] Flux? You do have normal anatomy right?

[Flux] - I was your father's companion and confidant, that was all.  Although we were close.  And I'm not sure?  I was the only female there...

[Doc] I think I should give you a check up then. Some time soon. And maybe have a talk with you. Or you can talk to TLOT.

[Flux] - Why would I need to have a talk with TLOT?

[Doc] Yeeeah.... I think this needs to happen. - Starts typing in chat-

[Jeb] Wait, you're calling my brine?

[Lie] - He's not your brine

[Notch] He's not yours dipshit!

[Jeb] You all have the same name, how am I supposed to clarify it!?

[Lie] - The nicknames you ass!  He's TLOT, my mate is CP, there's another who's GK, and our newest is NK!

[Jeb] smaller voice, since he's essencially being yelled at by an angry cat- oh, uh yeah....

[CP] Yet another proud little purr at how his mate is acting-

-There's a litte bamf of someone tping slightly outside-

[Lie] Perks at the noise-

[TLOT] Throws the door open and stands there silhouetted with Steve peeking over his shoulder- He's here?

[Lie] - Unfortunately, blame my mate

[Jeb] Holy.... [He's a bit scarier when you're on ground level]

[CP] Is once again snickering-

[TLOT] Push him up please. I want to talk face to face.

[CP] - Can't, I'm a cat

[Notch] Just don't kill him, okay?

[TLOT] I won't kill him.

[Notch] Muscles Jeb out of the booth and to his feet.

[Jeb] Is having a really hard time as he's avoiding TLOT's eyes but trying not to stare at the rest of him.

[CP] Is grinning widely watching all of this-

[TLOT] Is holding a small diamond item in his hands. With a gesture he force equipts a diamond helm on Jeb- This is for giving me to the Testificates to raise. It's not entirely your fault they were idiots.

[Jeb] whimpers-

[TLOT] He pulls out a chestplate and does the same with it as well. - This is for giving me my powers back. I'm not ungrateful.

[Jeb] Well.. uh...

[TLOT] And this is for trapping me WITH THAT FUCKING NIGHTMARE OF A NOTCH-  He hauls back and punches Jeb directly in the chest nearly shattering the chestplate and sending him flying into the wall by the dartboards.

[Jeb] Shouts as he's hit and then just groans on the floor.

[CP] Is laughing so hard he falls off the table-

[Steve] Makes a diving catch for Cp and grabs him in a hug before he hits-

[CP] Hisses at Steve, but still grinning in mirth at what he just witnessed-

[Notch] Runs to check on Jeb.

[Lie] Stretches and moves closer to TLOT-

[TLOT] Is huffing a bit, his little nostrils are visible as he puffs in diminishing temper.

[Lie] Purrs at TLOT and gently bats at him, looking as adorable as she can-

[TLOT] Gives her a gentle rub around the ears.

[Doc] Feel better?

[TLOT] Yes, actually.

[Jeb] Ooowwwww.

[Notch] You're lucky he armored you first... I think he would have punched a hole in your chest otherwise.

[Lie] Decides to just jump up onto TLOT's shoulders-

[Steve] At Cp,- who's a happy cat? Such a giggly little shit.

[CP] - Fucking Nether that was hilarious...  Now let me go

[TLOT] Just adjusts his stance to keep her steady, between armor and cloak it's not like she's clawing him.

[Steve] Gives Cp a bit of a ear rub and a chin scratch, but does put him back on the table-

[Jeb] Does someone have a little white flag I can wave?

[CP] Looks at his mate-Why are you up there?

[Lie] - Because TLOT is warm

[Stevie] There's gotta be a dirty rag around here maybe?

[TLOT] She looks appropriately regal there, I'm in favor of it.

[Sam] Humph. - throws a white dish towel at Jeb-

[CP] Growls a little, remembering the coronation stuff he needs to do-

[Jeb] Makes an effort to wave it - I give up...

[Notch] Good plan.

[CP] Goes over to where Jeb is and jumps down, landing right on Jeb's bladder before sauntering towards the bar-

[Jeb] Arrrgh!

[Lie] - I still wanna pee on him...

[Notch] Pffft! Cp!

[CP] - Shut it Notch

[Jeb] Can I go home please? I feel like I got run over by a bus....

[Sam] Saunters over with a bottle of rum and holds it out to Jeb.

[Notch] well, you did want to drink with me.

[CP] Takes the opportunity to jump up onto the shelves behind the bar where all the bottles are-

[Jeb] Takes the bottle and turns it side to side, watching the translucent cubes tumble around in it. Before taking an unsteady swig.

[Sam] Watching Cp anxiously-

[CP] Just wanders through the bottles-

[Steve] If you want something I'll get it for you Cp.

[CP] - Nope

[Stevie] - Brother why?

[TLOT] Is calm now and looks around before doing a double take at the familiar voice. - Stevie?

[Stevie] - Yeah?

[Steve] Just grabs Stevie in a hug- I'm so glad you're okay!

[Stevie] - Er... Um, yeah

[Steve] Gonna miss playing kid-type games with you, but you're still welcome to come hang out with us anytime.

[Stevie] - Got it!

[TLOT] It was a terrible circumstance, but I'm glad you're healed.

[Stevie] - Yeah, it's kinda weird.  It's like I have a double set of memories right now because I've now technically had two childhoods

[Steve] Never had one myself, but it looked pretty fun.

[Stevie] - Yeah, it really kinda is...

[TLOT] There's nothing to stop you doing kid stuff if you want to my lamb. Perhaps we should transform the lab into a pillow fort and tell ghost stories over cocoa or something.

[CP] Makes barfing sounds behind the bottles-

[Sam] Goes right to him to make sure he isn't really puking-

[CP] Has a smug expression as he looks right back at Sam-

[Jeb] Looks more then a little drunk. He waves his arms around a bit and Notch helps him up with a patient roll of his beady black eyes.

[Flux] - Will he be alright?

[Notch] Yeah. He's just drunk.

[Jeb] Is slurring a bit and staggers over to TLOT. - Dammm.... man... I'm sorry... you get so, it looks different from above it all, fuck it... punch my ass again. I deserve it...

[TLOT] Flatly- no.

[CP] - If Lie turns me back I will

[TLOT] You'll be naked and knock his head off. That seems extreme on both counts. I think he's had enough. I'm sure you've been torturing him all day or Lie wouldn't have turned you into a cat again.

[CP] Grumbles-

[Lie] - No I did that as soon as I found out he brought Jeb into the server

[Notch] Doc was mean to him as well.

[Doc] Hey!

[Jeb] At Doc - I gotta give it to ya.... I don't know how the fuck you managed to break into and outta that seed....

[Doc] smug -Just my nature.

[TLOT] With a dollop of desperate panic on both ends.

[Lie] -  This also being the very person who managed to find me, an actual human stuck in the game

[Doc] Is making just the tiniest noise that might actually be a purrr.

[CP] - And who has the annoying habit of just dragging people off

[Jeb] At Doc- What the fuck are you...?

[Doc] Almost proudly- No clue.

[Flux] Is looking at the bottles behind the bar-

[TLOT] So uh.... Flux... Doc said you needed some basic education?

[Flux] - Hm?  I'm not certain I do, but they say so...

[TLOT] Why don't you come with me for a few minutes? Just over here-

[Doc] Don't go downstairs. Jewel is sleeping.

[TLOT] It's okay-guides Flux around the corner.

[Notch] Gets up to go back to the others and give them a bit of privacy.

[Doc] Is whispering sweet nothings to Deerheart.

[Flux] Watches TLOT with interest-

[TLOT] Do you mind if I just give you a mental download of the basics?

[Flux] - Oh, I suppose you could...

[TLOT] well I don't want to be invasive and it will be quicker too.

[Lie] Is too lazy to move from his shoulder-

[Flux] - Then please, go ahead

[TLOT] Makes a quick file detailing sexual dimorphisim in humans and what he knows about Testificate genders as well for good measure. Then proper instructions on basic sex, plus oral, and anal. He finishes it with some image files he keeps for reference. Most are illustrations from the kama sutra or realistic fanart from the internet. Then he uploads it all to Flux

[Lie] Catches parts of it and becomes a bright little ball of light on TLOT's shoulder-

[Flux] Her cheeks flush a slightly darker purple as she registers what she's seeing- Oh, and...  This is what Notch wishes to do...  With me?

[TLOT] Well I think he'd like to at least date you first. He seems like the type to want an actual loving relationship like Doc has with Deerheart.

[Flux] - I see...

[TLOT] Just think about it, it's perfectly okay if it's not appealing to you. Most of the Alex's dont have any sex drive at all. It's not a prerequiste or anything.

[Flux] - I will take it into consideration

[Lie] - Whyyyyyyy?  Why did I catch sight of that?

[TLOT] Because my psychic senses are really strong and you're right next to my head? Besides, it's nothing you didn't already know right? We're all adults here.

[Lie] Little embarrassed noises as per the usual-

[TLOT] Pets her with a chuckle.

[Jeb] Is laying across the bar- bllllaaaaaaagh

[Notch] You're a mess...

[CP] Jumps down from the bar shelf and sneaks closer to Jeb-

[Jeb] Grabs Cp unexpectedly and whines at him - I'm soooorrrryyy. Please send me home....

[CP] Scratches- FUCKER LET GO!

[Jeb] Ooowww!

[Lie] - I hate to say it, but maybe we should give him a sobering flower?

[Notch] Just send him home drunk. Then he'll know it wasn't a dream or something.

[Lie] - Yes but wouldn't that make his wife suspicious?

[Notch] Damn... good point. I was trying to think of proof that won't last in any tangible way.

[CP] - Uh the bruise TLOT has rather obviously left on his chest?

[Notch] Oh...Yeah. Should be nearly a perfect square judging by that hit.

[Lie] Jumps down and spawns a sobering flower, she carries it in her teeth over to Jeb before dropping it in front of him- Eat it

[Jeb] small voice-  Can I go home if I eat it?

[Lie] - Yes

[Jeb] scarfs the nasty flower-

[Lie] Waits for it to take effect-

[Notch] No hard feelings man... but we all have axes to grind and things to protect.

[Jeb] Makes a miserable face. - I think I was happier drunk....

[CP] Yawns- Do I have to do this?

[Lie] - Yes CP!

[CP] - Fine, any last words asshole?

[Jeb] Swallows- I'm a terrible selfish ass? And I'm sorry for threatening  your Testificates? Uh... and thank you for killing that NOTCH?

[Doc] I'm glad that you've come to your senses on those things at least.

[CP] Rolls his eyes and looks at TLOT as if asking for the go ahead-

[TLOT] Puts a stern hand on Jebs shoulder and the smaller man cowers under his grip. - I know you have some small clout in what happens to the others. If you find any suffering brines, or more injured NOTCHs you tell us. Or else.

[Jeb] Understood. Wait... more?

[TLOT] Get him out of here Cp. If you please.

[CP] - Fine- He creates an opening and turns towards Jeb- Go through asshole!

[Jeb] Scrambles out - he stumbles as his resolution changes back and grabs at the desk on the other side to keep from falling. He looks back at the opening in disbelief, tracing the edges with fearful eyes.

[TLOT] We'll be watching you. So behave.

[Steve] Toodles!

[CP] Snaps the opening shut-

[Notch] I feel better already... gods he stresses me out...

[CP] - Well that was fun

[TLOT] Gives Cp an eyebrow. - I can tell. You're radiating happy.

[CP] - Shut up

[Deer] Starts stirring-

[Doc] Cradles her lovingingly. - Darling?

[Deer] - Mmmm, everything went really wonky...

[Doc] Wonky how? Like glitched out?

[Deer] - I don't know...  But it felt...  Complete?

[Notch] I can imagine... being one with an entire world?

[Deer] Snuggles closer to Doc- It was so brief though...

[Doc] Well considering that the whole place shook like a spaceship hitting an asteriod belt and you passed out, a little taste should be good enough for a first try. - Xe reaches over to give Yaunfen a little scritch.

[Deer] - I would have never thought to have tried if Flux hadn't mentioned it...

[Yaunfen] Trills around hir gem-

[Doc] Well, she is the expert...

[Notch] Is watching Flux a bit dreamily.

[Stevie] - Still seems odd that we never saw you Flux...

[Notch] Twitches suddenly in pain and sits down.

[Doc] Markus, are you okay?

[Flux] - Notch?

[CP] Looks over curiously-

[Stevie] Is quickly standing- Father?!

[Notch] I feel... bad.... kinda sick all of a sudden...

[Lie] Tilts head curiously- Like you keep getting little zaps of electricity?

[Notch] Winces - yes....

[Lie] - CP...  Has he been in long enough?

[CP] Shrugs- Probably?

[TLOT] Oh dear....

[Steve] It's time for that already?

[Stevie] - What are all of you talking about!?

[Notch] Ow ow ow... - slides to the floor and sits against the booth

[Lie] Jumps down and moves closer to Notch- CP, this is your area of expertise...

[CP] - Yeah but you were the first and ended up having TLOT turn you into a brine...  Plus I was pretty out of it when it actually happened...

[Notch] Has broken out in a cold sweat.

[TLOT] Do we want to....?

[Doc] that shouldn't be needed right? He'll be digital anyway?

[Steve] Doesn't just dying and becoming a digital ghost just make you a creepypasta?

[Lie] Curls up next to Notch to try and comfort him-

[Stevie] - Seriously!?  What is happening!?

[CP] - No, remember, Insanity is what defines a pasta, he'd have to acquire her through trauma at death or near death

[Deer] - Notch, can we get you anything?

[Doc] But you can exist without her. The Slenders don't have her specifically right? They can just hear her?

[CP] - Yeah, but she's still there for them...

[Doc] I'm out of my depth here...

[TLOT] Do we have somethign to cut the pain at least?

[Notch] Making little whimpers of agony-

[Lie] - I'd rather he not be turned into a pasta...

[Flux] - Or perhaps a way to speed up the process?

[Doc] You're the one that's made of magick, do you have any suggestions?

[Flux] - I've never seen or done anything like this though

[TLOT} But what else defines a pasta?

[CP] - The murderous intentions, the blood lust, and a lack of morals for the most part

[Flux] Kneels down close to Notch-

[Doc] Geeze Cp....

[Steve] Pulls a kitted throw from his inventory and puts it around Notch.

[Notch] Shivers from the pain-

[CP] - Look, considering my plan was to just let Lie ride it out and naturally turn digital...  Well yeah...

[Stevie] Also kneels by Notch- Father?- He's genuinely worried, especially since Notch had just promised that he would be the last father Stevie and CP would ever have

[Notch] Takes Stevies hand and clenches it desperately-

[Doc] Lie can you makes something for pain control?

[Lie] - I can try?- She starts with her basic healing flower and starts thinking about pain itself

[Flux] Brushes Notch's hair out of his face-

[Notch] Is sweating and clenching his teeth.

[TLOT] Maybe I can use my suggestion to numb it a bit? - Starts feeding Notch a repeating order to not feel the pain-

[Notch] Is still hurting but a bit less-

[Lie] Is worried as she watches her healing flower curl in on itself-

[Flux] Motions for Sam to give her a cool rag-

[Doc] Can you even tell me what's actually happing Cp?

[Sam] Obliges with a bowl of them -

[Flux] Lays a cool rag on Notch's forehead-

[CP] Sighs- In short, his body is fighting itself.  He's been fine because his human physical self has been the stronger part, but now he's almost at the point of being more digital than physical so the physical part is fighting to maintain it's dominance

[TLOT] Could we give him a transfusion to speed it up?

[CP] - You could try, I have no idea if it will work or not though, Lie was the first time I attempted it and you kinda just switched her over

[TLOT] I volunteer, who else will give?

[Doc] Me.

[Steve] I'm in.

[Lie] - I will as well

[Stevie] - Same with me

[Doc] Cp...? Just a little bit? You're a very strong brine after all.

[CP] Grumbles- Whyyyyyyyyyy?

[Doc] You'll get to see me bleed him dry in return, isn't that enough?

[Notch] Just knock me out... please...

[Lie] Watches as her flower shapes itself into bells-  Well now...

[CP] Grumbles again- Fiiiiiiiiiine

[Doc] Actually he has a good point... Cp let me get a little from you first, I have an idea.

[CP] - Why me?

[Doc] Trust me, I'm gonna need your help in a different way.

[CP] - But I'm currently a cat

[Doc] Is tearing apart several things from hir inventory to make a bag and some needles. - Doesn't matter. We all have the same blood type here 1/0.

[Lie] Rubs against Notch-

[Doc] Xe hooks the bag to the table and takes one of Cp's paws.

[CP] Instinctually extends his claws in warning, them having grown back awhile ago-

[Doc] Gently.... This won't take long- Xe guides the tiny needle into a vein and lets a bit of it flow into the bag before pinching it off.

[CP] Hisses a little-

[Doc] Takes it out and destroys the needle - xe puts a bit of cold paste on Cp's leg to seal the tiny hole. - Okay, now, make your magick. Put Notch in a dream so he won't feel anything while I'm working on him.

{Notch] Freezes in terror. - Please... no nightmares...

[CP] Grumbles but does let off a small burst of his power to send Notch into a neutral dream, nothing happy, nothing scary, or anything else-

[Notch] Sighs as the lines in his face smooth out.

[TLOT] Is watching his mind- Wow... that's some serious emptiness. I didn't know you could do that. It's really Zen.

[Doc] Is nearly done bleeding hirself and then moves on to Steve.

[CP] - Shut up, having no direction for a dream to go is really hard!  I have to keep checking it to make sure it remains that way

[TLOT] I wasn't makign fun, it's really hard not to think of anything.

[CP] - No shit!

[Doc] Deerheart? Can I have a bit from you? Or are you too weak right now?

[Flux] - I'm not sure that's a good idea, she and I are servers, something vastly more complicated and rather different than what you want him to be...

[Deer] - Flux has a point...

[Doc] Okay, I'm sure we'll have enough without inconvenicing anyone anyway. Stevie?

[Stevie] Holds out his arm without a second thought-

[Doc] Gives him a prick with a fresh needle and starts on the third bag-

[Doc] Xe moves on to Lie and sees what she's working on. - That's interesting.

[Lie] - Yeah...  Although it may be pointless by the time your done with this...

[Doc] Anything that minimizes suffering can't be useless. We've needed a similar thing before

[CP] Is busy concentrating on holding Notch's dream but hearing his mates causes him to automatically focus on it, making him slip up and introduce a fond feeling into Notch's dream- Shit...- He scrambles to correct it

[Notch] Grabs at the feeling since it's the only thing near him-

[CP] Jumps into the dream to try to defuse the feeling-

[Noch] Is just floating in a bit of a ball, holding what looks like a thin scarf close to him. It's a visual reprentation of Cp's stray emotion.

[CP] - Let go of that!

[Doc] Takes a little blood from Lie and cleans a few red drops from Lie's white fur before letting her resume her work- Thank you

[Stevie] - Heh, guess this means father will actually be related to brother and I now...

[TLOT] Blood brothers. - He puts out a hand- Saving me for last?

[Doc] Just a little from you, just in case. Since you can heal; I'll use yours first so the transfusion isn't rejected.

[Doc] Clicks on a fresh needle and pokes it into TLOT, the resulting mixed bag seems to be pulsing softly-

[Notch] Just clings tighter, he seems a bit afraid-

[CP] - I'm trying to keep you in a neutral dream!

[Notch] But this... it feels good... I don't even know what it is...

[CP] - A small portion of my feelings for Lie...

[Doc] Picks up Notch and lays him on the pool table, xe's setting up some tubes to drain what he currently has.

[Notch] Oh... Your love for her is tattered... but beautiful.

[CP] Grumbles- Yeah yeah, now let it go

[Notch] Do I have too?

[CP] - Yes!  It's mine!

[TLOT] Nips a finger and puts in in Notch's mouth to keep him at one heart at least while Doc drains his blood.

[Notch] Okay... you're in charge here- He holds out a the little scrap and it floats like a ribbon on a gentle breeze. - I feel like I'm on the edge of death out there... I trust Doc, but please.. stay with me?

[CP] Groans- Whyyyyyyyyy?

[Notch] Because... I'm scared...

[CP] - Fine....

[Doc] Is stowing the blood as it's removed and sets up a bag for the fresh on the other side of him.

[Notch] His body gives a rattling gasp as the mixture with TLOT's blood flows into him. In his mind the white space now has a few sparkles, like a sprinkle of glittering stars.

[CP] Is just floating there, the scrap of his feelings for Lie in his hand-

[Notch] - There's a bit of color, it kind of looks like someone broke up a few random minecraft blocks into pixels.

[CP] - I've never set up a dream like this before so I have no idea if that is normal or not

[Notch] I'm used to having TLOT just talk into my head, he must be very close right now. This feels like him.

[CP] - Well he does like to be involved in these things...

[Notch] And he is a healer.

[CP] - Yeah yeah, just another thing he can do...

[5hfanfiction]

Wicked Games (Chapter 7)

Things got pretty awkward between me and Lauren, and even Dinah as well. Incidentally, I began to regret my decision to stay with them while my floorboards were getting replaced.

Lauren and I tip-toed around eachother as much as possible. I avoided her, and she avoided me. I tried to stay out as long as possible, so that I would come home late, and when I was there, Lauren stayed in her room.

Dinah was still friendly towards me, but I felt weird knowing that she knew, knowing that she had heard what transpired between me and Lauren. I knew it was silly, but I was avoiding her as well, feeling slightly embarassed.

I told them I was staying out late studying in the library, which was true, but I could have just as easily studied at their place. I just didn’t want to deal with the underlying tension between us three. Additionally, I hated having to pretend like everything’s normal when Mani and Ally were around. I preferred to act like nothing had ever happened, and to stop thinking about or acknowledging it.

Today was game day, and I was a little concerned the awkwardness would carry over into the game. I made the executive decision that we would need to have a talk before we let this ruin a potentially good game for us. Our opponent was Pacific Lane University, who’s in our conference. It would be our first conference game of the season. It’s especially important that we beat them and start off our league schedule on a good note, if we hoped to get to the post-season and win our conference championship.

Although Pacific Lane had not won a game thus far in the short start of the season, you could never underestimate an opponent at the college level. We had learned that the hard way last year, when we lost to what was considered the worst team in the conference and, as a result, lost our playoff contention. Any team could beat anyone on any given day. You have to bring your best every game or else you will lose.

I needed Lauren, Dinah, and I to bring our best today and not be worried about off-court issues. Which is why I texted coach and informed him that I wanted to have a players meeting between us three before shoot around. One of the reasons that I liked and respected Coach Tommy was that he let me make decisions as captain. Most coaches that I have had in the past would give you the title, but never let you do anything with it, other than shaking the refs’ hands at the beginning of the games. He truly allowed me to step into the role, no questions asked.

I stopped both Dinah and Lauren before they left the locker room to get on the court and motioned for them to come with me to the conference room. Lauren blinked at me, clearly astonished. Dinah seemed to have an understanding expression. I said nothing as we walked to the room.

The conference room was a small room, with a long wooden table, and a series of nice chairs on each side. A projector screen was on the wall at the front. This is where we hold team meetings, have film sessions, and the occassional interview. I gestured for them to sit in the available chairs at the front of the table. I sat in a chair opposite them, and then cleared my throat.

“I think we all know why we’re in here,” I started, my voice shaking slightly. I swallowed my nerves and continued, “I just want to make sure there is no more tension or distractions for our game today.”

Dinah spoke up first, while Lauren refused to meet my gaze, opting instead to stare at the ‘wonderful’ mahogany table. “Honestly Camila, I’m sorry if I’ve been a little weird lately-”

I put my hands up to cut her off, “No Dinah, I’m sorry. I’ve been the one who’s been avoiding you. You did nothing wrong. I just..” I looked from Dinah to Lauren, and then back to Dinah when Lauren did not look up, “I was embarassed that you overheard it.. ya know,” I admitted, shrugging, trying to be honest.

Dinah nodded her head, “I understand and I promise,” she said as she put both hands up, “there’s no judgment here.”

I never was concerned that there was, but I nodded, appreciating her reassurances. At the same time, I cringed internally for Lauren at the comment.

I looked over at her and noticed that she still hadn’t looked up from the table, clearly doing her best to block out this conversation. This was exactly what I didn’t need. What our team didn’t need.

“Lo, I’m going to need you to look at me, and talk to us,” I said cautiously, worried she might lash out.

Her beautiful greens finally moved up to meet my eyes. She looked back-and-forth between me and Dinah for a few beats and then sighed.

“I’m sorry for putting you on the spot here Lo, but… what happened.. happened. We can’t take that back now. I just want to move forward and make sure all of our focus is on getting that ring at the end of the year.”

She just stared at me for a few seconds, with an unreadable look in her eyes. I swallowed, worried that she wasn’t going to say anything, until at last, she nodded her head and said, “I agree. It’s in the past. It won’t be a problem on the court.”

“Ok, great,” I muttered. I got up from the table and walked around to them, opening my arms. I pulled them both in for a hug, as they stood. “I love ya’ll,” I spoke genuinely. Then I pulled away and looked at them both, “Let’s go get this win.”

Dinah was smiling. Lauren had a blank look, but they both nodded in agreement. I took that as good enough. We ran out to the court, only a few minutes late for the shootaround. I gave a thumbs up to Coach Tommy and we proceeded with putting up shots.

Once shoot around was over, we all went for our pregame meal at Subway. I came back to the gym straight after to get treatment from the trainers. They stretched me out and had me put a heat pad on my legs and hips for twenty minutes, since my muscles were often tight and tense there. Lastly, they taped my left ankle, which had a tendency to give out on me. I went through this ritual before every game.

Finally, it was time for warmups. I went into the locker room, and grabbed my uniform off the hooks, which had already been hung up for us. To finish, I put on my shooting shirt and shoes. I slid my headphones out of my ears, and put my phone away in my bag.

I closed my eyes, taking a moment to remind myself that this was my last year, and I needed to approach every game as if it was my last. I also took this time to remind myself that I know what I’m doing, to remind myself to trust my instincts.

The thing I struggled most with throughout my entire basketball career had always been more mental than physical. Confidence was often lacking with me. Some people thought I was crazy for feeling that way when I put up the kind of numbers that I was currently, and maybe it was. Unfortunately for me, there’s always a voice in the back of my head that believes I am not good enough. To this day, I still wasn’t sure why that voice had come alive. I had made strides in quieting that voice in recent years, but it was always there. Just below the surface, waiting for a few missed shots, a few turnovers, a few missed rotations on defense, to wake back up.

I went through an exercise I had researched about. I flashed through memories of good games I had in the past, good moves I made, good reads, good passes, good shots, good blocks, anything and everything to remind myself that I know how to play basketball, and that I am good at it.

Once I felt myself regain confidence, I took a deep breath and opened my eyes. I left the locker room, feeling in the zone, and ready to dominate.

Now, I was standing in the huddle with my fellow starters, getting the last pregame talk. Coach Tommy was reminding us that Pacific Lane loves to play a 2-3 zone defense with a trap in the corners. “We can still go to the corners, to move the defense, but make sure we zip it out of there as quickly as possible. Don’t get trapped!” Then Coach looked toward me, “Camila! Their defense cannot stop you, attack them.” I smiled slightly, appreciating his confidence in me. “Normani, draw the fouls. They love to reach on defense.” Tommy then put his arm out, for us all to meet our hands in the middle, “Win it for eachother ladies,” was the last thing he said before we broke out with a resounding, “Together!”

I stood on the left side of halfcourt, waiting for the jump. The ref threw the ball into the air between Dinah, and Pacific Lane’s center. To my delight, Dinah won the tip, and the ball found its way to Jamie, who drove immediately towards the right side of our basket. Timing it correctly, I slipped behind my defender, calling for the ball. Jamie floated it to me, and I easily hit the left-handed layup. 'Good start’ I thought as I ran back on defense.

The game continued much like that. Pacific Lane could not keep up with our offensive sets, and we got whatever we wanted relatively easy. I was on fire, Jamie was on fire, and Normani was finding us on every cut, and every screen.

We finished the game 82-57. We got ahead so much, that our bench players were able to get into the game, including Ally. The starters got to sit and rest for the entirety of the fourth quarter, which is our goal for every game.

The stats at the end of the contest found me with 18 points, 6 rebounds, 2 steals, and 2 assists. Normani had 10 points, 4 rebounds, 3 steals, and 10 assists. Dinah had 11 points, 11 rebounds (5 of which were offensive), 1 steal, 2 blocks, and 2 assists. Jamie had 15 points, 3 rebounds, and 3 assists. Missy had 8 points, 4 rebounds, 1 steal, and 1 assist.

We had 20 bench points, which is pretty remarkable. Lauren had 6 points from 2 beautiful 3-pointers, and a pair of assists. Ally even scored while she was on the court, which caused the whole bench to erupt into an array of wild cheers, in honor of our best cheerleader.

Everything was clicking for us in that game. As Coach Tommy reminded us in the locker room afterwards, it’s very hard to beat a team when they have four (almost five) players in double-digit point figures.

He told us to enjoy our vicory, but to remember that we have another game in 2 days, against a very tough conference opponent. Our record was now 4-1. I grimaced remembering our 1 loss, which came on the road during our second game of the season. I didn’t plan on adding any more to that column.

As I was unlacing my shoes, I noticed some feet move into my line of sight. I looked up to find the piercing green eyes of Lauren. She smiled slightly, as she raised her hand to give me a high-five. I hit my hand with hers and smiled back, as she stated, “Good game.”

“You too, Lo,” I responded warmly.

“Back to calling me Lo, huh?” she mumbled, half joking, but there was an underlying sentiment of sadness there as well that was unmistakable.

I leaned back, remembering how she questioned me about calling her Lauren. I didn’t realize that she paid that much attention to it. “I think that’s for the best,” I said dryly.

She nodded, and then turned to walk back to her locker. 'There it was again’ I thought. I went from feeling good and stable, to uneasy, all because of Lauren.

________________________________

AN: For future reference, all college names are fictional.

Wattpad: munkeytutu

[meditationsinausterity]

Losing Shame and Using Guilt

Anyone who knows me well enough will know i'm fascinated by the specificity of language. I had a lecturer tell me once that the more precisely you can express yourself, the better you'll be understood. Granted, he was talking about getting to grips with Derrida, but the underpinning sentiment of being understood caught at my very core. As a result, I'll often, mid-sentence, correct myself if the word is not exactly what I mean, particularly in terms of expressing emotion. I get frustrated if I can't make the exact clarification I want to express my point, but in the process of correcting myself I usually arrive at the point I'm driving at. I'm sure we all do this to a certain extent, or the qualifier 'Do you know what I mean?' wouldn't be so prevalent in everyday speech.

I do it in my support sessions all the time when I'm asked how I feel - I take the approach that I need to get as much out of these sessions as possible to progress with my week, my general recovery. If I'm not making every effort to understand and be understood, I don't see the point, do you know what I mean? One such time was after a particularly horrific binge, that saw me physically injured and put the nail in the coffin of my short-lived but long-suffering relationship at the time, where I was asked how I was feeling about it. I said: 'Guilty. But I think it's normal to feel guilty. I don't mean the kind of guilt that paralyzes you and stops you doing anything. I mean the kind of guilt that makes you ask the questions, tell the truth to yourself, and try to learn. There should be another word for it.'

I thought about this conversation while I was walking to the job centre this week, anxious as fuck, and trying to talk myself out of feeling guilty. 'There should be another word for it' kept rolling over my brain, and I scrabbled to think of something until I realized I'd been wrong in the session. What I was feeling after that binge, WAS guilt. what I was feeling on the walk to the job centre, the 'I shouldn't be doing this' breathlessness that made me want to just go home to bed, was shame. And the penny started to drop as to why they were different feelings when I examined the two situations.

On the way to the job centre, my feelings of shame weren't directly coming from anything I did, am, or genuinely believe. Shame can only exist in the light of other people. As a society we're pretty good at shame. There's body-shame, slut-shame, poverty-shame, and probably loads more ways other people make people feel like shit. Shame is a tool used to police others according to the norms of, usually a majority. As a society, the fact these terms exist for different ways in which certain majorities enact this policing shows we're slowly growing into that realization. Shame, and its younger, less crippling cousin, embarassment, can't exist, without other people. If you have a shameful secret, it doesn't technically become shameful until you speak it to anybody else. More prosaically, if you fart in a lift alone there's no shame until someone gets in at the next floor.

I felt ashamed of going to apply for jobseeker's allowance because of how it would have looked to someone on the outside: I'm young, able bodied, adept with people, energetic, and have a work ethic; so what fucking right have I got to ask for help when it ought to be easy for me to get a job? I could hear the imaginary 'you should be ashamed of yourself' in my head, stopping my little trainers in their tracks. Because shame creates paralysis. Shame is what's going to stop you doing something you maybe really need to do, or even just want to do.

There's no arguing with shame if you treat it as something that springs directly from the inside of you. I realized the key to stopping shame from stopping me lies directly in that voice, that 'You should be ashamed of yourself'. For a start, I can tell it's not my own convictions at play here, because I don't call myself 'You' - other people do, when they're not mispronouncing my name. So if it's not me, who the fuck is talking? Once you've asked that question you've already created an access to whatever the external narrative is that's influencing the shame. In the case of me and the job centre, we can cite tabloid hysteria, my working class upbringing, and coming from a long line of proud women who struggle to accept help from anybody; a real tasty blend.

The other key disarming tool here is 'should' - the singlemost efficient way to convey obligation that i know. Think about the amount of times you've bailed on something and explained yourself to someone else by saying 'I should go, but...' That 'should' is the point of tension between what people expect of you and your desires and intentions. Asking 'WHY SHOULD I?' a la an angry teenager, as I did on my walk, may be the fastest and most explosive way to deal with external shaming narratives from stopping me in my tracks. The answers to 'why should I?' are never convincing to the person who questions the power of 'should', which is why the last resort is always 'Because I said so', which, let's face it, never convinced anyone ever. Asking 'why should I?' is a fast and powerful way of undermining all the reasons you are being shamed.

So shame, once you unpick what it is, is simple to counteract. Which is good, because it's the thing that stops people doing what they need to in order to get help. Guilt, however, is more complicated. And I'm going to posit a theory, in no doubt a stupidly long-winded way, that guilt is not there to stop you from doing things, but is in fact a motivational emotion.

I was wrong in my session. There was no better word for what I should have been feeling than guilt. Because guilt is directly related to your inner self, to something you did or didn't do, or say. Guilt was absolutely the right word for how I felt after that binge, because I had done things I knew were wrong. And I knew them to be wrong in accordance with what I genuinely and fundamentally believe in myself, for the simple reason that if i didn't believe I shouldn't be resorting to drinking to blot out anxiety and pain, then why was i engaging in therapy to break that pattern? or, put more plainly and simply, despite all my endeavours to do the right thing lately, I had massively fucked it up, by myself, and guilt is the way in which my mind was holding me accountable for what I had done wrong, by holding it at the forefront of my mind and not allowing me to concentrate on anything else.

And, to go back to what I said earlier about shame being an external process that can't exist without other people, you can be perfecty capable of feeling guilty all alone. To go back to my fart in a lift metaphor, If you fart in a lift alone, and then get out, you'll feel guilty about leaving that fart in that space to fester because you know you did it. You feel guilt because you're to blame. Guilt without culpability already has a name: paranoia. To apply this to my situation; even if nobody had known about my binge and it hadn't affected anybody else (which was emphatically not the case), even if I hadn't sat in a room telling somebody else all about it, I would still have felt guilty. Because I would have known I'd done wrong. But it would have been a kind of double guilt; the guilt of my own culpability, underneath the the guilt of not revealing it, which i'm going to rename 'concealment anxiety' for clarity.

I once read somewhere that 'we're only as sick as our secrets', and in terms of this kind of double-layered guilt, I genuinely believe it to be true. When I sat in the office talking about the binge, there was a definite sense of pressure relief, like the first door of an airlock opening. But the removal of the concealment anxiety is only the first door; it doesn't free you, it just lets you breathe and focus. Concealment anxiety is why problem pages everywhere are crowded with letters asking if people should reveal their adultery to their partners - the uncertainty stems from the knowing it would provide that rush of relief vs. the fact it won't remove the guilt that comes from the actual culpability. Telling the truth about what you did can only remove the concealment anxiety, it can't remove the guilt of culpability.

The reason I use the metaphor of breathing space and an airlock is because until you untangle concealment anxiety and guilt, you can spend a long time in that pressure zone, confusing the two. My therapy, this blog, the practices I'm putting into place to reach out to more people and to be honest about everything, they're all ways in which I've realized i was existing in this dead, hidden zone where all the things i was doing to harm myself were hidden. And that environment was slowly making me sicker, and more isolated, and withdrawn. I wasn't admitting to my actions, which meant I was stuck alone in this space, at eye level with my guilt at all times, and unable to address any of it because I couldn't focus.

Breaking that first seal by gritting my teeth hard and admitting to all the things I was guilty of to people (professionals and loved ones alike) provided me the breathing space I needed to look at the real guilt in a more focused way. The guilt that, as I put it, 'makes you ask questions, tell the truth to yourself, and try to learn.' And it was chronic, in this situation. I say chronic because guilt is visceral, it's a physical emotion. You feel sick, your heart pounds, you sweat, and if you're me, your posture goes totally insular and you can't look anyone in the eye (I'm pretty sure this is also what dogs do). Guilt is your mind's equivalent of putting a huge billboard in front of all your other emotions saying 'YOU FUCKED UP. YEAH, YOU. WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT?'

And that, I think, is the key function of guilt. On first glance it seems like an unfair emotion - you can't undo what you did wrong, because what's done is done, so the 'what are you gonna do about it?' can seem overwhelming. But guilt's 'what are you gonna do about it?' doesn't have to be interpreted as a threat; it's your mind's way, at least I think, of saying, 'you did something horribly wrong, and now we need to focus on ways to make sure you don't do it again.'

((DISCLAIMER: I'm not, here, disregarding the fact that if you did something to hurt somebody else, you should say sorry, or try to make amends, but I am not dwelling on that, because a sorry can't fix anything, and sometimes the amends aren't possible. That's not to say they're not a necessary part of facing up to what you're guilty of, as I certainly said my sorry to the concerned party, meaning every single word of it (as I'm sure he was fully aware), but knowing in the pit of my stomach that no matter how heartfelt the sorry was, it wouldn't fix the damage I'd done. No matter how fundamentally important it is to say and mean, never has any sorry I've ever said had any more power than words ever have over actions.))

But back to that 'what are you gonna do about it?' - That's what's made me see that guilt can be a motivational emotion. For a start, there's the fact that it's so sick-making and anxiety-inducing that you would, in its throes, probably do whatever it takes never to feel it again. And I think that's no coincidence; warning signs are eye-burningly bright, sirens are ear-splittingly loud, because urgent messages need urgent attention. But the process of guilt, the constant reminders; I am finding, the more I notice and interrogate my thoughts; often take the form of ways in which you could have done things differently. I used to think that this was just my brain compounding things by telling what a fucking idiot I was, but now I'm starting to realize that actually, these alternate-plays are not nasty mind tricks, they're useful tools for me to interrogate, using direct example, why I didn't do things differently. I'm using guilt as a motivational tool, by letting these replays provoke questions, and therefore answers, that inform my future decisions. I'm still working on it, but it's very effective. It is literally the emotional equivalent of 'learn from your mistakes'. Guilt isn't your enemy, guilt is your teacher. It's just that it's the teacher you thought was really savage at school who you only grew to respect when you realized that they got shit done (not unrelated: Hi Mrs. Pearman, hope you're well!)

That was probably more long winded than anyone needed it to be, but we all have these negative emotions, and I'm starting to learn that engaging with them is both practical (because they're not fucking going anywhere unless I get lobotomized), and useful (because they have more to tell me than that I currently don't feel very good). So I'm going to become shameless (or more so, as anyone who has encountered how chill I am with being seen naked will attest), I'm going to be as honest as I can to stop that concealment anxiety airlock from closing me in and stopping me breathing again (a decision I've already committed to), and when I am to blame for something, I am going to let my guilt guide me into examining why the hell I did it in the first place, to stop me doing it again.