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hmmdelicioussoup · 3 years

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So I just finished The Lost Book of the White and I really want to talk about Simon.

I’d tried reading this book sometime last year but didn’t really get into. Then after listening to the TMI audiobooks and TFSA I was motivated to try again since I knew it took place after Simon lost George. Second time round I absolutely loved it, Malec, baby Max, Magnus x Ragnor x Catarina friendship, all so good. But Sizzy! My god so so good. Getting to see them finally be together as a couple honestly made me so happy. But despite the happy moments, it’s also occurring during a time when Simon is grieving, and that grief is very fresh. TLBOTW takes place only 4 months after Angels Twice Descending.

So, throughout the whole book I was waiting for Simon to crack. From his first scene in the book it’s mentioned how different he seems.

Magnus says upon the TMI gang arriving at his apartment about Simon:

“…it was obvious [Simon] wasn’t doing well” pg 36

From the start I was strapping myself in for some pain. Even just a couple of pages later Magnus notes that Simon is acting ‘very unlike himself’ pg 39.

Simon has gone through a lot, they all have, but I think it’s different for Simon. Just on the basis that he kind of got dragged into the shadow world. He wasn’t raised in it like Jace, Alec, and Isabelle. It wasn’t his birthright to be a part of it like Clary. He’s had to fight stay beside Clary, to earn the respect of the Shadowhunters who even though they would eventually become his friends, didn’t think much, if anything of him, when they first met him. He had to really fight to show he was worthy of their respect. And he did. He fought beside them, lost beside them, sacrificed himself for them and all the while maintain his morals. I’m not saying he never changed, on the contrary, he developed significantly throughout the series and throughout it all always managed to be the optimistic one. Magnus says of him,

“Through all of it, Magnus had grown impressed with his morale, his willingness to persevere and keep a brave face even when the situation seemed worse than impossible” pg 40

Even knowing all Simon has been through, even Magnus who kind of seemed the least invested in Simon during TMI, expects him to have the same attitude he has always had. They’ve legit been to hell twice now and all seem pretty chill about it. They’re all making jokes, Magnus and Alec get it on basically every time they’re alone lol. I think they feel almost invulnerable. There’s very much this energy of well we’ve survived one hell dimension before, surely we can survive another. But they seem to be forgetting that they very nearly almost didn’t survive Edom. They only got out because of Simon. And I think Simon is painfully aware of this. He’s not one to brag about saving them but he understands maybe better than anyone the risk of having to make sacrifices.

Simon’s truly at his tipping point throughout TLBOTW. Despite all he went through in TMI, mainly with him losing half his memories and as a result losing important pieces of himself, he’s able to find himself again throughout TFSA or at the very least gain some idea of the type of Shadowhunter and person he wants to be. But then he loses George, once again he’s faced with unbearable loss. One as well that didn’t come from noble sacrifice or dying in battle protecting the people you love. George died drinking from the mortal cup and even though he was a good person, even though he was more than worthy, more worthy than Simon according to him, the cup didn’t want him.

“[George] was no different to me. No less worthy of Ascension. If anything, he was more worthy than me.” pg. 283

So when they all travel to Diyu and Simon is taken and tortured by Sammael, and Magnus has been stabbed by Svefnthorn and Isabelle gives herself up to demons, it’s all just reinforcing Simon’s worries about loss and how easy it is to lose what you love. Honestly I am so glad to have content where Simon is appreciated and allowed to show how much he cares and be more than just comic relief.

When they are in the Cathedral and Simons calm finally wavers I was so keen for it. And boi was I not disappointed. We get to really see how Simon is coping, how the loss that made him stronger is now what’s making him fall apart. Everyone else is so shocked and confused by his reaction:

“[Clary] looked wary…“This isn’t like you,”” pg. 282

“….“This isn’t even your first trip to a hell dimension,” Jace pointed out” pg. 282

It really shows how no one expected Simon of all people to be the one to break. It gives the others the chance to crumble a bit too. Isabelle who has always been very noble, always ready to fight, doesn’t know how to answer Simon when he asks how they all keep risking their and their loved ones lives. Before this book we never really got to see how they coped with the trauma they gained from TMI. We saw them in TDA but that was about four (I think?) years later, in the midst of someone else’s story and another fight. (As someone who very much prefers character over plot being able to read moments like this with some of my all time favourite characters really is my favourite thing. Like yes it’s sad as hell but oh isn’t it the best kind?)

Simon needs this moment. They all do. The desperation in Simon’s voice, everyone else’s inability to give him an answer. Because he has a point.

“How do you risk yourself and everyone you love, over and over again?” pg. 284

The Shadowhunter motto is just as much ‘we often die young’, as it is ‘facilus descensus averno’ and George’s death made this painfully clear to Simon. I think that Simon is definitely prepared to risk his own life, we’ve seen him do so many times before, but it’s the risk to the lives of the people he loves that he cannot deal with. The others kind of accept it, they definitely don’t love the idea of it but they know it’s a dangerous job. Both Jace and Alec literally say so.

It’s a moment that makes everyone grateful for their love.

- Clary tells Simon and Isabelle she loves them.

- Jace wraps his arms around her ‘drawing her close’.

- Alec reflects on the choice to love someone.

Writing this is really making me realise that maybe that’s what the whole story is about. Love. They’ve all found their epic loves, their families, they should all be happy. And they are, you don’t go through what they went through and not come out of it happy to still have the people you care about. But with the presence of love now it’s apparent, especially for Simon, that fear of losing it. And while it’s a hard thing to cope with, as Alec and Simon put it:

“That’s being a Shadowhunter,” said Alec.

Simon shook his head, “No, that’s being a person,”

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sugar-petals · 4 years

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BTS Scenario: Taking Care of Them When They Have a Cold

↳ ♡ NOTE ⇁ time for fluff. autumn season is coming, let me set the mood right here, we’re going cozy 🍂

warnings ⚠️ hurt/comfort, brief mention of sexual tension

⌈jimin⌋ ⇢ Jimin’s cold is unusually subtle. In terms of visible signs, it’d take some time to notice it for someone who doesn’t know him or doesn’t check just how heavy another person’s breath is going. But feedback? You will definitely get. Compared to how he’s pouting about it, which will melt your heart is what I’m saying, the symptoms are understated in comparison to the other members. Taehyung’s cough can shatter an entire neighborhood, Jimin sneezing is as graceful as a gazelle. Mind you, his nose is runny, and the slight fatigue of the first two days isn’t negligible, but the major thing to actively mend is more psychological than physical. In other words, his body does its thing, you don’t have to overextend yourself.

That’s what you have to figure out first to really take care of him properly. After laying him down and bringing both snacks and liquids, talking is what he needs rather than ten thousand types of medications and cool towels all over him. Jimin doesn’t want to see you become sick as well so you don’t sit up close, but at talking range, and you text a lot during the day while you work. He’s worried about not being able to practice and hopes the cold doesn’t show in his appearance. You assure him it takes five days at best and he is okay again and promise a lot of kisses. With that prospect, healing is even sweeter. And, you know the guy, Jimin misses seducing you, so.

⌈taehyung⌋ ⇢ Absolutely enjoys being babied ten times out of ten. Nothing better than you preparing a hot herbal bath. Rosemary, thyme, camomile. The steam spiraling off the water surface looks so relaxing in the candlelight, the classical music you put on sways him into a trance, he lays there for half an hour just motionless. He gets a little tray of coconut cookies on the bed stand, you play the guitar to him, you massage his feet before he sleeps… Which, and he hates admitting it, makes it nice to be sick. By all means not because of the fever, but the extra attentions, the hot chocolate for bed. Taehyung thinks about that twice and concludes something. He doesn’t want to get a cold just to receive this treatment. Not for his own health nor to worry or overwhelm you, he’s not gonna guilt-trip you into being a servant.

So, you agree for later: It’s good to treat him sporadically just because, whenever and wherever, cue Shakira. That Taehyung so enjoys a good healing and mending time and it just explodes when you both have a reason to, that’s rather something to expand to the whole relationship. Taehyung will do the exact spoiling for you, with a romantic twist the way you know him. It doesn’t need a sickness to resort to doing nice things for your partner. At the end of the day, the body will remember it and get sick again because it sees what it gets through being ill. That’s something to squarely avoid doing, a random gesture is good for its own sake, amen.

⌈yoongi⌋ ⇢ Grumpy, murmuring, disgruntled he can’t work without getting a headache, needs a lot of silence to recover so he curls up on his own with earphones in and fifty playlists on repeat. He’s like tch, only thing I need is tiger balm to whip me back into shape. Or… wait. Wait a second. A cup of steaming hot coffee with extra foam he will not reject. Or a plate of fried rice. Anything fried and super crispy, really. Yoongi likes those things, especially when prepared by you. Nothing is more honoring. Actually? I’ll change the initial statement. Yoongi does accept some help. You simply gotta find out his catnip I mean favorite dishes and either know the place to order it from or have some kitchen basics down. Nothing super fancy though, it doesn’t need a God’s Menu. The right seasoning does the trick already.

He wants it mega spicy, sweating out the cold is the way to go said Yoongi’s mom back in the day so he goes by that motto. Love starts in the stomach for felines. If another BTS member drops take-out at the door, even better, that uplifts him greatly. When he munches, that’s the most gratifying thing in the world. Yoongi wants you to eat with him by the bed so that means chili in the bedroom but screw it. All that food and you cranking up the heater distracts Yoongi from his cold and some head pats have him on his way to recovery. And, by the way. He’s kinda turned on by you cooking for him so… the frustration is real, you’re gonna fuck like rabbits once he’s okay again.

★ ⌈namjoon⌋ ⇢ The friendly giant will stay in denial about his cough for at least three days and walk around with way too much medicine in his system. He begs for someone to relieve him, mostly himself, but all those sky-high standards are in the way. Responsibility! Hard work and endurance! Solve it in your head! What is the spiritual reason for colds? How many pills keep you awake for an all-nighter to write an album in one go? What’s next on the schedule? So it goes on, you know the deal with Joonie. You have to kick that leader butt so he finally enters the healing cave under the sheets. Don’t kick too hard though, he doesn’t have Jimin-level cushions. He topples over into his sheets fast anyway, he’s that level of exhausted from his own suppression.

The story goes on, Namjoon feels extremely guilty for getting pampered and still ponders the reasons why he is ill rather than slowing down a minute and closing his laptop for a hot second. It gets a little awkward unless you figure out your secret weapon. What he feels better with is you reading him stories while he rests on the sofa. I’m not kidding. Or if you’re busy or he wants to be alone, audiobooks. That input is like a lullaby to Namjoon who gets knocked out by the soft whispering only to descend into 12 hours of sleep. Ah, he’s namjooning. Yep. His cold will force him into resting, but by the time he recovers, he is six books wiser and has had the pleasure of listening to your voice which he finds soothing. Thankful he is, anticipate an expensive present and flowers.

★ ⌈jungkook⌋ ⇢ Meal and fluid intake: Quantity explosion! Wow, wow, and wow again, the sheer amount that he can snack and turn into what seems even more muscle and more sweetness. Guinness World Record. He knows his system is currently resetting, he wants to hand it the building blocks, he knows the math. Yes, even sick Jungkook is the cutest foodie in the world. Yes, he will eat his veggies. He worries about not being able to work out so you at least help him stretch his legs ever so slightly in bed. He’s missing his boxing gloves like crazy, he wants to see the members in the practice room, he wants his milk. The latter is easy to get for him, and FaceTime comes in handy.

Namjoon does a little motivational speech, and Jungkook feels better almost instantly. Later on, you have to scold him — well, just a little bit — for getting up in all that enthusiasm to do some of his routine on the second day, but he already knows it’s not good for him to get his heart rate up like that. He patiently snuggles in a cocoon of duvets with only his eyes being visible. Until, finally, his red lil’ nose goes back to normal and his lungs feel a lot lighter. Jungkook really hates being dizzy, so it’s a weight off his hunky shoulders all right. Then, he can join you at the dinner table for a double portion of extra Parmesan Spaghetti, and you settle on the couch to bingewatch romantic animes and any Studio Ghibli movie in history.

★ ⌈jin⌋ ⇢ It simply can’t be helped, he even wants to make this funny. Humor really is a never-ending well, Jin is Spongebob’s long lost cousin if you go by his amount of meme talk. He calls himself Rudolph the Red-Nosed Jindeer, stuffs handkerchiefs into his nostrils, draws smileys on his knees with the cream usually meant for a dry philtrum (he now has very hydrated knees, how about that), does impossible contortions to find the right sleeping or reading position. Honestly, you don’t really have to take much care of him nor worry, Jin will cure himself through laughter. The power of positive emotion. Entertainment is nothing to provide for, he’s a one-man show after all. Jin is the least bored when he’s sick among the group, however! It needs someone else to exchange with, you know. No punchline without an audience. Listening is the best thing.

Sit, lean back, see what he has to say. The only thing you gotta actively do is stop him from choking on his own spit after a particularly dead-on joke. Maybe it’s introducing some room for serious time that helps Jin enter a different track. I can imagine that. Some talk about memories, talk about sorrows and issues. Jin is a complete man, but he still has plenty of ’em, demons don’t evade handsome people. And those need to be talked through in a silent minute. Jin also enjoys movie nights with a cup of tea in one hand and syrup in the other, that’s the go-to way to unwind. You can finally go all out and pour him his tea, bake for him, serve some self-made popcorn, extra sticky and sweet, oh yum.

★ ⌈hoseok⌋ ⇢ If Jimin and Hobi ever get colds at the same time, this will be the poutiest contest. They’re the most vocal about it in the group. Hoseok, and that will come to surprise you a little, becomes needy. Not at the beginning where he’s confused and emotional about what’s going on with him (someone who works this hard and needs a fully functioning body is thrown out of their lane even by the slightest symptom), but shortly after. You’ll come to understand how sensitive his body is, almost as perceptive as Jungkook’s actually. His body blows up with a strong fever, a hot man heating up even more is just an explosion of physics.

He needs handkerchiefs, he needs tons of water, he needs music to distract him a little, he needs a heating blanket for his feet once the fever is gone. Granted, every sick person depends on those things, but Hoseok is someone who calls out of the bedroom often because he ran out. He’s not afraid to ask for things unlike Namjoon who would refuse out of overt politeness. You certainly have a lot to do because his cold comes in strong so it’s important you enjoy taking care of him and don’t do it out of obligation. Quality time is what we’re talking about here. It’s not about you doing the things, it’s about the presence. That’s why Hoseok will use his money well and always order proper take-out that’s not just classic fast food, you don’t have to cook or anything.

related: putting bts to sleep after a hard day

#bts headcanons #bts scenarios #bts scenario #bts fluff #bts x reader #bts #bangtan #bts imagine #bts domestic au #bts hurt and comfort

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aliaslua · 4 years

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Living with the Turtles (headcanons)

Leonardo, Raphael, Donatello, Michelangelo x Reader

Summary: A secret mission that only the four brothers could accomplish requires them to become your personal bodyguards. How would each one of them react to sharing a house with you?

Category: Platonic relationship, domestic fluff, deep friendship.

WARNINGS: None c:

A/N: This actually could be a whole fic (maybe someday) but honestly I was just feeling very into domestic turtles today so I decided to post this. Let me know what you think!

You can also read it in AO3! <3

Leonardo

The order was clear, you needed to be hidden. To fade, become invisible. After a team of outlaw scientists from the old Sacks' company discovered that you DNA carried a sequence of molecules that was thought had disappeared from the human species many decades ago - the only sequence that could serve as a basis for creating new mutagens - your blood became the most precious material in the planet and you, the most wanted person in the world. The Federal Program for Assistance to Threatened Victims and Witnesses had no option but to hide you in the only place where you would be safe 24 hours a day, seven days a week: the old train station where New York's newest heroes lived.

How will each of them react to the brutal change of sharing their house with a stranger?

When Chief of police Vincent set up an urgent meeting with the Hamato brothers to make a request and warned that the fate of the world depended on it, Leo prepared to receive a mission that would involved discipline, discretion and unmatched fighting skills but when he realized they would have to spend the next few months being bodyguard to a human, his confidence immediately morphed into pure nervousness.

He is a true gentleman and is desperate to be the best host possible. Before you arrived, he ordered the whole family to clean the Lair with a military streak and himself inspected every room. He and Donatello built a private room for you using some of the shoji screens from the meditation room and he provided a bed and headboard.

He's absolutely nervous the day you arrive. You are their first official guest and he will do everything to make your stay perfect. Because of that, your first interactions with him is a little awkward. He doesn't allow you to collaborate in any domestic activity and spends the first two weeks asking if you need anything ("No," You always answer "I am very comfortable, thank you.").

After a few days getting to know you better and seeing your determination to participate in the routine of the house, he finally manages to relax a little and takes this opportunity to share some house tasks with you. Despite that, he continues to treat you like royalty: pulling chairs, opening doors, covering you with a blanket at night and carrying you to your bed whenever you sleep on the couch -and then he ensures that the house is quiet, so you can rest. Nothing will interrupt your sleep, your peace, your security, your stay will be perfect, he will do anything to make you feel at home.

Living with Leonardo is a bit like being a soldier in a barracks, but without all the shouting. From Monday to Monday you have a schedule and after you finally manage to convince him to teach you a little self-defense, the training is hard and disciplined. Unlike the barracks, however, Leonardo is very comprehensive with your physical and mental limitations and it's more than willing to adapt your training depending on what you need most on the day. Weary? Deep meditation. Muscle pain? Yoga. Feeling unmotivated? Cardio.

Then when you finally get to know each other better, after a few weeks living together, Leonardo is like a mentor to you. He always has excellent advice and is always available to listen to you, regardless of how repetitive or superficial your problems are.

Leonardo's cooking skills are truly awful. It was during dinner, in fact, that you really started bonding. The pasta was slimy and bland and the sauce tasted like old ketchup: You had to intervene. Only when he saw how well you cooked - and wow that's a pretty good knife control! - he realized that you not only had a lot to learn, but a lot to teach. You have taken on the responsibility of teaching him how to cook the basics ever since and you will never forget his face when he first tasted missoshiro.

You're both obsessed with Chinese fighting movies. Every wednesday you watch a movie together and no matter how hard you try, you can't convince him that "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon" is better than "House of Flying Daggers".

Of all the brothers, he is the one who gets used to your presence faster (even before Mikey) and his generosity is essential to make you feel welcome.

Raphael

It is not even possible to define with words the intensity of the fight that Raphael and Leonardo had when he told them that he had accepted the mission of hiding the human carrier. Once again Leonardo had made a decision without consulting the whole team but more important than that: Raphael was going to have to share the house with someone he didn't know and there was nothing in the world that made him more angry - and nervous - than that.

Deep down, Raph was more anxious than angry. Knowing that he was going to share his only intimate and personal space - his house - with someone he didn't know made him feel super vulnerable, exposed. In fact, he was scared. He feared the possible looks of dread, disgust, repulsion. He knew that few things in the world could hurt more than a look of hatred and he was not at all comfortable with the reality that he might have to LIVE with someone who found him disgusting.

But when you arrived, the looks didn't come. You looked nervous, but not scared, let alone disgusted. As the days went by, Raphael realized that the only feeling you had before arriving at Lair was gratitude and after he actually understood that in fact he made you feel safe, the warmth in his chest was enough for him to forgive your invasion.

Sometimes you are just as scary to Raphael as he is for most humans. That day when he caught you alone in the kitchen taking the cookie sheet out of the oven, he realized that. You are so… small, so fragile and soft. He feels that if he breathes too hard or too close to you he will dismantle you, like a house of cards. It's also impressive to him how much noise such a small creature can make. God! Are your shoes made of iron? How can biting into toast be that loud? Even your breathing seems loud to him. But it is not your fault, you always answer, it's not like you're a trained ninja.

Raphael is the last one to be comfortable with your presence but when that day finally comes and he admits he likes it when you are around, he also decides that you are one of them now and for you he ride or die. Silently he swears eternal loyalty to you and from that day on, rest assured, you don't need to be afraid of anything anymore.

Because of this, Raph becomes strangely jealousy and possessive. You are now his best friend and he needs to know if everyone around you is good enough, well-intentioned enough and ensuring your joy and well being are now part of the mission. It's a little overwhelming at first but when you adjust the intensity it's wonderful to have someone who takes such good care of you.

His affection is always returned. You love his company and think it's funny how such a big man can be so soft. And soft he is, since what you most have in common is the appreciation for period romances. You love watching all the adaptation films from Jane Austen's books and maybe he cried at the end of Reason and Sensitivity - he will deny it until the end - but your favorite activity for you to do together is when you read to him while he works out. You are like a personal audiobook and he will never stop making fun of you for crying while reading Mr. Wentworth's letters.

Despite the affection, he is really a tease. He doesn't miss a single chance to remind you how small you look to him and nicknames like Tiny Temper and Shortstop are recurring. You always repay it whenever you can but ultimately you know that he doesn't mean bad.

Donatello

Donatello thinks that the idea of protecting the source of the conflict is brilliant, it seems much more rational to avoid a war before it happens and proceed a mission with a more discreet and strategic course of action than to appeal to physical strength and weapons. That said, he hates having someone else around as much as Raphael. Unlike him, however, Donatello is not afraid of rejection, he is... Uncomfortable. Privacy is a right that he considers essential and imagining that he may receive someone who is intrusive in his own home makes his head hurt.

Therefore, he receives you with extreme coldness. He helps with the organizing of their home and your personal space, of course, he doesn't want you to feel unwelcome, but it's essential for him to draw the line between mission and personal life and he wants to make that very clear. His room is off limits, the computer area is off limits and specially the laboratory is off limits.

But he soon realizes that his coldness is unnecessary and maybe even a little rude since you seem excellent at respecting personal limits and spaces. He was prepared to spend a long time refusing to answer invasive and indiscreet questions, but you seemed to have a genuine and respectful interest. In the end, he found your polite curiosity very charming.

After that, he showed you the lab on his own and was even happier when you got interested but didn't touch anything. He finally had someone around with the same enthusiasm for science as he and he even started doing research based on your doubts. Enjoy, he's a great teacher.

But what you most like to do together is to sit on the huge couch in the living room with a cup of coffee and talk for hours on complex matters. Ethics, morals, economic and social configurations, what is the fate of the world? Why are we here? You certainly do not have the same theoretical background to refute him, but he loves your interest and loves to hear your subjective takes. A debate partner is everything he always dreamed of.

It's also a relief for him to be able to open up to someone other than his own brothers and he likes to hear the solutions you would give to his dilemmas from the perspective of a person who has lived a life so different from his. He also loves to watch you, but he will never admit it: Humans are fascinating, and he finds your ways and habits very funny.

Before you arrived he did a thorough research to understand what vitamins, minerals and supplements you would need to take while out of sunlight and with restricted access to various foods, so you also got you a personal doctor and nutritionist.

Michelangelo

The first week living with Michelangelo were almost unbearable. It may be fair to say that he was the only one among the brothers really pleased with your arrival and it was good to be warmly welcomed by at least one of them, but Mikey's excitement was a little overwhelming. He spent all day filling you with praise, flirting, asking about your life and life on the surface and it felt like he talked so much that he sucked all the air out of the room.

Knowing that your relationship could nor go on like that, in the second week of your stay you sat him on the couch and asked him to chill out just a little. You explained that for you it was super important to know that one of them was happy with your arrival and that you knew that he wanted to do everything to make your stay the best possible but for that he didn't need to treat you like a creature from another world, perfect and sovereign, you just wanted to be treated like ... an equal. That was more than enough. Michelangelo ceased to be a dedicated servant and became a great friend.

You couldn't ask for anything else in the world. Mikey was the perfect friend for a situation that could be unbearable without an icebreaker. He's fun, lovable and after you had that conversation, extremely relaxed and comfortable around you. His loyalty is unquestionable and every day he shows affection without hesitation.

He loves spending all the time he can with you and has volunteered to become your personal teacher of the art of graffiti. Leonardo can't know, but you are responsible for the new tags on the subway cars and on the doors of abandoned houses. Mikey loves to watch you do your hair and help you choose the clothes you are going to wear that day and you find it funny how that dynamic makes it look like he is playing house for the first time.

You made homemade pizza once and he asked you to marry him, a request to which you answered yes, of course. He made you a ring from the pizza crust and you drank soda with your arms crossed just like in weddings.

The most sensitive of the brothers. He always know when you're not feeling good and always has the right answer to make you feel better (that is, burrito blanket and reality shows).

#bayverse tmnt #tmnt 2016 #michelangelo #leonardo tmnt #raphael tmnt #tmnt imagine #donatello tmnt

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imfreakingbored · 4 years

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Why I don’t really read

I have always loved books. As a child they were my key to unknown worlds. When I discovered a good story like the Kalle Blomkvist tales or the Children of the Noisy Village I could read the whole night. However, I didn’t go through stories with as easily as Matilda, and I wasn’t by any means at the top of my class when it came to reading. When we did tests on books like Animal Farm, I had to rely on classmates who HAD read the entire book. Sadly for me, the teacher was too smart and totally failed me when she realised I didn’t know the names of all of the three dogs in the story.

Because it’s with such little details that you see if someone has read. When it comes to the Twilight books, you can ask what the color of Rosalie’s car was or what’s the name of Bella’s mother’s new husband. Attentive readers will know.

I didn’t have such an attention with every story, but I did with some. As I grew to a teenager, a book was always in my bag. People in the bus often saw me with my nose in the book and commented how refreshing it was to see a young person READ. “They never do anymore these days.” they said to me. “Don’t ever lose that.”

I wish I had listened to these words back then. Sadly, looking back now I can say the early reading struggles began for me in high school. In Estonia, one of the biggest exams is writing an essay which is your way to show your viewpoint, maturity and how much you have actually read. I had a lot of the first, a little less of the second and not nearly enough of the third. I had barely finished reading Hamlet, and had not even halfway finished Goethe’s “Faust”. All I really had in my arsenal was some extra reading like Dostoevsky’s “Idiot”. It was great shooting material for sure, a book I still very very much love - but it was nowhere nearly enough.

I chocked. I got nervous. I relied primarily on my writing talent whilst everything else turned out to be so much more important. So when it came to the actual grading, classmates of mine with far less writing talent got high marks and I got an average one. Funnily enough, the best writers in our class alongside with me all got marks that were nowhere near fair.

This did not help to make my relationship with books better, but luckily also didn’t erase my love for literature. When I finally went to uni and studied it, I really loved it. Mind you, I didn’t always finish the class reading - but when I did I had the best time. And even if I had only barely touched a book I was sometimes successfully able to analyze it’s structure. When I did fully read something though, I always got a straight A.

I pushed through a lot of books, sometimes more eagerly and sometimes less so. When it came to my final thesis, I don’t think I read nearly as much as I should have and so I basically ended up with an average grade yet again.

After university, I still sometimes read. However, I came to find that it was easier to actually go through stories with audiobooks - or sometimes even movies or TV shows. I have seen adaptations of stories like Big Little Lies and Me Before You before I ever touched the books. I still have a lot of books, so many I could probably build a throne out of all of them. But I hardly actually use them for what they were meant for.

I do sometimes wonder how I actually ended up studying literature when I hardly ever read these days. Last year I didn’t even finish a book. It seems to me that I have somehow lost a part of myself that I don’t really know how to get back.

When 2020 began, I set myself goals about doing stuff that I used to do. Funnily enough, I have painted. I have made drawings. I have even started to cycle and cook more. I even sing more. But I don’t read.

At the same time I have over 40 audiobooks in my library. I love to listen to others read stories like the Harry Potter Books or the Millennium trilogy. But I miss that voice in my head when I read a book. I miss that imagination I had when I was going through a story. Those things are erased when you let someone else take control of your reading experience.

It’s really sad come to think of that. I know it’s not just me that is struggling. It’s a lot of young people these days. Our attention spans are short, and we cannot commit easily to holding something like a book in our hands for a long time. For past generations books were the main forms of entertainment - but not for us. For us everything is so visual. Youtube videos, movies, TV shows. Binge, binge, binge. You don’t have to imagine anything. You don’t even have to cut open the cake anymore - a piece of it is handed to you just like that.

But what if I want to actually cut open the cake for myself and see what is inside? What if I want to be a writer and actually bake the cake myself? What do I do? It used to be so easy, so simple - and now it’s so difficult. But there has to be a way. Even if I have to leave hundreds of unfinished books behind for a while, I will forever be trying until I find a way. Until I can connect again with that part of me that actually loved books for what they were. Not for how good the covers look, or how famous the author was - but for the stories inside. For that really is the true value of books.

#reading #cannotread #bored #adaptations #literature #books

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iffeelscouldkill · 5 years

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Adjusting [Part 2: Park]

A/N: Here’s Part 2! Many thanks to @dragonsthough101 for beta reading this and for the lovely, encouraging feedback💖💖💖

If you haven’t read it or want to re-read, here’s a link to Part 1!

Summary: It turns out that there isn’t a blueprint for quitting your job, turning your back on the organisation that you’d built your life around, committing treason and abandoning your friends and family to go travel across the galaxy with a band of wanted criminals. Fortunately, RJ now knows some people who have been there.

Or: Five times that RJ McCabe shares a late-night drink with someone on the Iris 2.

Read on AO3

About a week later, RJ is feeling slightly more at home on the Iris. It helps that it’s a new ship for the rest of the crew, too, and so everyone’s a bit at sea, missing things they used to take for granted and sometimes finding themselves unexpectedly at a loose end.

One of the things that RJ finds hard to get used to is how chatty the crew of the Rumor is. They knew about this from listening to the recordings, but knowing about something and being on the receiving end of it are two very different things. In the IGR, supervisors tended to frown on idle chatter (everything was about maximising productivity, after all) and people were cautious about volunteering details of their personal lives, never quite sure who might be trying to inform on them or get them written up for having a hobby that wasn’t quite above-board. You couldn’t exactly enjoy a conversation with someone when you were constantly watching your words.

But here on the Iris, everyone talks so much, about anything and everything. RJ isn’t used to people honestly trying to get to know them, or to the level of genuine interest that many of the crew have taken in their past, their hobbies, their thoughts, and their likes and dislikes.

RJ knows that Krejjh and Brian mean well, and that Sana cares about every member of her crew (the idea that RJ is included in that category already is still hard to wrap their head around), but it can still be a little much sometimes. They prefer to spend time around Violet, who is more tactful; Park, who is familiar; or Arkady, who is mostly silent except when she’s cracking some honestly hilarious sarcastic jokes.

Nights are still hard, and RJ has more or less become used to taking hours to get to sleep, or waking up in the middle of the night from confused and anxious dreams, but they’re finding things to do with the extra time. Park, who is an incurable bookworm, gifted RJ with a truly staggering number of audiobook files that he’s been keeping on a jailbroken telecomm (a sort of souped-up comm device that Republic employees are issued as standard). RJ has learned things about their former boss’s tastes that they never expected.

(“Park! You know a jailbroken telecomm is considered a Class E banned item, right?” RJ says when Park shows it to them.

“Oh no,” Park replies, deadpan. “Do you think I’ll get in trouble for it?”)

Even more unexpected, though, are the downloads that RJ was given by Krejjh and Brian after they expressed curiosity towards something called ‘Sh’th Hremreh’ that the two were always discussing. Krejjh’s eyes lit up and they immediately began to wax lyrical about the plot and the acting, Brian chipping in with relevant details. Before they knew what was happening, RJ found themself in possession of two whole seasons of a Dwarnian soap opera.

(RJ doesn’t speak Dwarnian, of course, but Brian has a solution for that. “I’ve created my own fansubs,” he says happily. “It’s been a good exercise for my translation skills – don’t want them to get rusty – and it helped Krejjh with their English, back when they were still learning. I upload them to a Dwarnian video site under a pseudonym.”

“They’re very popular!” Krejjh adds proudly.)

So, between audiobooks and Dwarnian soap opera episodes – which are oddly engrossing – RJ has a few ways to take their mind off things, but sometimes it still isn’t enough. On nights like these, RJ makes their way to the kitchen. The crew had made a brief stop-off at an extremely sketchy and borderline lawless moon where a heavily disguised Sana and Arkady did a run for basic supplies, so the tea stocks are replenished – although it’s not great tea. (Apparently, one night of quality herbal tea was enough to turn RJ into a bit of a tea snob).

What they don’t expect is to run into Park, sitting in the darkened kitchen at two o’clock in the morning. The lights flicker on as RJ enters, which means that Park must have been sitting still long enough for the motion sensors to deactivate.

“Oh – McCabe,” he says, looking up. “I mean… RJ, sorry.”

“You can still call me McCabe,” RJ tells him as they pull out the stepping stool, carry it over to the cupboard, and climb up to reach the highest shelf. Park watches in bemusement. “I mean, I still call you Park, unless you’d prefer-”

“No, just Park is fine,” Park assures them. “What are you doing?”

“You’ll see.”

RJ pulls down the little cardboard box, sets it on the table, and opens it to reveal an orderly collection of teabags in rows. “We’re running low on camomile, but I think the peppermint is caffeine-free.”

“What if I want caffeine?” Park asks, eyeing the collection of teabags warily. He looks terrible, with dishevelled hair and dark circles under his eyes.

“That’s too bad, because you’re not getting any,” RJ tells him primly, and takes a bag of peppermint tea out of the box. Park laughs as though it’s been startled out of him.

“Fine.”

As they wait for the water to boil, RJ surveys Park out of the corner of their eye. They realise that they’d subconsciously been thinking of Park as ‘further ahead’ than they were with adjusting to life as an outlaw, given that he’d turned against the Republic first, and actively worked with the crew of the Rumor to carry out the plan on New Jupiter. During the day, he puts up a good front, but RJ can see now how much of that is a front. This hasn’t been easy for Park either.

RJ pours out the tea into two dinged-up tin mugs and hands one to Park. For a while, neither of them says anything.

RJ and Park haven’t talked about the Republic much since leaving New Jupiter. RJ has made the odd quip about working with Agent Goodman, or referenced things that happened in their shared office, and both of them have been providing intel that Sana relays to the resistance movement via the other Violet Liu, but they haven’t had a real conversation about what �� and who – both of them left behind. Park seems disinclined to talk about his time in Zone Z, and RJ had convinced themself that the best way to adjust to their new life on the Iris was to draw a line under everything that came before it. There was no point in bringing up old memories.

Except that now, they’re struck by how much they want to talk about it.

“Park,” RJ says in a rush. “Do you… ever miss… being back on New Jupiter? I-I don’t mean the last… part of your time on New Jupiter,” they add hurriedly when Park looks at them. “But… is there anything that you miss about… before?”

Park frowns in consideration. “I miss the amenities, for sure,” he says slowly. “I don’t care what Sana says – the water pressure is not the same in vacuum.” RJ snorts in amusement at that. “And the food was better down there.

“Maybe I miss being on the right side of the law, or thinking I was on the right side of the law – being able to safely move across IGR territory, being able to use my real name and identity. The kinds of things you just take for granted until you can’t do them anymore.” Park pauses, seeming to weigh his next words.

“But the thing is… I never felt safe under the IGR either. You remember what it was like.” Park looks at RJ, and there’s a darkness in his eyes that RJ has only seen there once before: shortly after Park’s return from Zone Z, when they had asked about what happened to his eye. At the time, it had been quickly suppressed, leaving RJ with a vaguely unsettled feeling that they couldn’t pinpoint the source of.

“Everyone constantly trying to inform on everyone else. People disappearing one day without a trace. Wondering if it would be you next. Constantly watching what you said, analysing what you did, looking over your shoulder.” Park gazes off into the middle distance, remembering things that RJ can only guess at. They unconsciously hold their breath, afraid to do or say anything to break Park’s reverie.

“When Major General Frederick came to take me away… there was a part of me that wasn’t surprised. I think I’d almost been waiting for it. The investigation wasn’t going well, and they were looking for someone to scapegoat. It was only a matter of time. Under a regime like the IGR-”

RJ manages to suppress their instinctive flinch at hearing Park describe the Republic in those terms, but only just. In spite of everything they now know to be true about the IGR, it isn’t easy to alter a lifetime of thinking a certain way. Or of not being allowed to think a certain way.

“-you never know when the ground is going to shift beneath your feet. You might cross the wrong person, or do something that you know to be the right thing, and still wind up ‘disappearing’.” Park pronounces the last word with an uncharacteristic bitterness. “So no, I don’t really miss how things were on New Jupiter.”

“Yeah,” RJ says shakily. “You, uh, you make some good points. Hadn’t… hadn’t thought of that.”

Park blinks, and immediately looks stricken. “McCabe– I’m sorry, I really shouldn’t have – I don’t know why I said all of that. I know it wasn’t what you were asking. I’ve just been carrying a lot of-”

“Park, it’s fine. You don’t need to apologise,” RJ says over him. “And you don’t need to try and sugarcoat anything for me. I was a naïve kid when I joined the investigation, but I’m not now. I saw you get taken away, and other people as well. I was terrified. But I found ways to justify it in my head, because I didn’t know what else to do.”

They say this last part, quietly, to the tabletop.

Park rubs his good eye. “I never wanted you to have to go through that.”

“But that wasn’t your fault,” RJ tells him. “It was theirs.”

Silence descends for a few moments, and RJ casts about for a change of subject. “So, uh, have you… heard from Shelley?”

Park shakes his head. “I asked the other Violet to get a message to her, because I wanted her to hear the truth from me and not whatever lies the Regime has decided to put out, but she warned me that it could take a while. I’m not sure if or how Shelley will be able to reply.”

RJ nods, their mouth twisting in sympathy. Shelley is Park’s twin sister, and the two are extremely close. Park hasn’t shared many details about his family life, but RJ has inferred that their parents aren’t around anymore, and that Park and Shelley are each the only family the other has left. It must be incredibly hard for him to be away from her – maybe the hardest thing of all.

“What about, uh… Have you thought of getting in touch with yours?” Park asks, his voice rough. RJ shakes their head.

“No. It would just be…”

RJ hunts for the right words for a long moment, and finally says, “It wouldn’t make much of a difference. To them, the truth would be just as bad.”

Park looks troubled, but he nods. “Okay.” He drains the last of the peppermint tea and smiles a little. “All right, I’ll admit it – the tea has helped. I didn’t even know there was a stash in here.”

“I split the cost with Violet and Arkady,” says RJ. “But it’s meant to be for emergencies only.” When Park quirks an eyebrow, RJ adds, “Insomnia counts as an emergency.”

Park gives that small smile again. “Fair enough. I appreciate it, anyway. You using up your emergency tea on me.”

RJ considers pointing out that they’d been going to make a cup anyway, but decides not to ruin the sentiment. “You’re welcome.”

“I guess I should head back to…” Park plants his hands on the table and levers himself up, wincing like he’s aggravating old injuries. Maybe he is. RJ still has no idea what the IGR did to him in Zone Z, besides the… eyeball thing.

“Park,” they blurt out, and Park looks at them, his face open and concerned. There are a lot of things that RJ didn’t realise were unique about Park until he was gone. The fact that he genuinely cared about RJ, and looked out for them, was one of those.

In many ways, Park is a different man since he came back from Zone Z. But that much hasn’t changed.

“Is…” RJ hesitates, not wanting to give voice to the nagging fear that lurks at the back of their mind – and increasingly, at the front.

“Is there going to be another war?”

Park hesitates, but he doesn’t try to offer up platitudes or empty reassurances. “Not if we can help it,” he tells them.

#TSCOSI #The Strange Case of Starship Iris #fic #post-episode 10 #RJ McCabe #Agent Park #late night tea drinking #RJ McCabe's home for disaffected IGR agents #I love these guys #and their friendship #the conversations in this were hard to write #I mean Park definitely has some kind of PTSD from Zone Z but I am in no way equipped to Go There #on a lighter note though I am particularly fond of RJ bossing Park around for his own good #in some ways although Park is The Adult and more emotionally mature #deep down I think he's more of a disaster #he just hides it well #I can imagine RJ trying hard to add 'self-care' to Park's vocabulary

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whatanerdgirlsays · 6 years

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WonderCon weekend has officially closed and while I’m totally exhausted and my feet still hurt and I’m probably still a little dehydrated and I may feel a con cold coming on, I’m sad that its over. I count down the minutes to the con each year and I always have a blast and I’m sad to see it end for 2018. This year was a good one though, full of both familiar and new experiences.

Friday was a short day for me. I ended up having to work in the morning so we didn’t get to WonderCon until about 230 pm, but Fridays are usually slow so it worked out nicely. We figured out a way to park nearby and take Lyfts in, instead of having to deal with the INSANE parking that apparently people had to go through. We did that all weekend and found that to be WAY less of a hassle and WAY worth the money we paid (which was basically next to nothing because we parked so close). We were also doing Week of Logic last week, which is a week long celebration for the anniversary of one of my favorite breweries (which is NERD themed), Bottle Logic.

Friday ended up being SUCH a fun day, even though we only had a few hours there to stay but we made it totally worth it. I really wanted to meet both EK Johnston (author of many novels, but in this case, author of the novel, Ahsoka) and Ashley Eckstein, who does the voice acting for Ahsoka in Clone Wars, Rebels and much more. They were only signing on the Friday and I’ve met them both before, but I wanted to try and snag a paperback cover of Ahsoka in order to do a giveaway soon (so keep an eye out!).

They were SO nice to meet again. Ashley actually recognized me, which was nice, since I’ve done my best to try and meet her every year at WonderCon for the past couple of years. My boyfriend, Daniel, gave her a compliment on her audiobook reading of Ahsoka and I think she really appreciated that; she said she was avoiding it since she felt like she did an awful job at the voices for Darth Maul and Bail Organa haha.

We ended up staying in the autograph area immediately after since an author Daniel really likes, Patrick Rothfuss, was signing as well. He was a super cool guy and I even snagged a copy of his first book for my friend, Alyssa, who is a big fan and could not go. I love watching my boyfriend meet people he admires, especially since he doesn’t get to do so often and he really only started to once he started dating me haha. I’ve met a lot of people so its fun to see someone else do it, especially someone who isn’t so used to meeting famous people. I definitely enjoyed that.

Mostly on Friday, we wandered Artist Alley, where I get the most in trouble with my wallet. I love seeing all the artwork and I always have a couple goals when looking for art. Last year it was Mei from Overwatch and any Hamilton art, and this year I was all about Wonder Woman and Ahsoka!

Saturday, we ended up in SO many panels, which I super loved because that almost never happens for me. I always end up spending so much time on the con floor that I barely make any panels, but not on Saturday and that was so great!

We went to a panel called the Science of Pacific Rim, with the host Kyle Hill, who works for Nerdist, amongst other things, to discuss the science-y stuff behind the cult movie, Pacific Rim. This just so happens to be Daniel’s favorite movie and the panel was SO much fun. I’ve only seen the movie once but honestly it was a bunch of science nerds, geeking out and discussing the finer points of a movie and I LOVE and LIVE for that stuff. Truly it was such a fun panel and I would’ve never thought to go to it if it hadn’t been for Daniel.

That night, we ended up in three back-to-back fantastic panels. One of them we stumbled to on accident, waiting for the panel after it. It was about Latinx in Comics, and had three woman who run the podcast Comadres y Comics (which I’ve now started listening to and LOVE) and an author Sebastian Kadlecik, who wrote the comic Quince, about a girl who gets super powers at her quinceanera. It was such a fun panel and I’m so glad we got to the room early for the following panel because I would have missed out. I’m sad I didn’t get a picture but it was nice to see woman who look like me, talking about comics and stories like that. One of them even owns a comic book store in Santa Monica with her husband and that’s just the coolest.

We also did the Dark Side of Women, a panel that talked about exploring the darker side of women in fiction, which was incredibly enjoyable and incredibly inspiring. I’m not really nice to my characters and its nice to know that I am most definitely not the only one. We also ended up randomly in a Dungeons and Dragons panel as well. Daniel is HUGE fan and has been playing for a few years now and dedicates a lot of time and energy into it and he’s even gotten me to play and I actually ended up liking it a lot. I love to watch more than anything and get inspired for my own world building and story telling but I truly love playing too. Its really a chance for adults to play make believe and the panel was full of people who’ve been playing for decades and had a lot of cool advice and experienced insight to share, even for someone who has been playing for a bit, like Daniel.

Sunday, I think, was my favorite day though and I may be a little biased when I say so. I was lucky enough to be a moderator at my very first WonderCon panel ever and it was basically a dream come true. WonderCon is my favorite convention and its been a bucket list item for quite some time to be on panel and my dear friend, Alexandra Monir, asked me to moderate the Women Writers in YA Science Fiction and Fantasy panel with Alexandra, along with Robyn Schneider, Kiersten White and Livia Blackburne. Its a subject that is SO near and dear to my heart and it didn’t take me more than a few seconds to say YES.

I was definitely nervous for it, especially when I discovered our panel was in such a BIG room, but the turn out was so great, and the authors were amazing. I felt confident up there and we had great discussions about being women in male-dominated genres and being aware of our own personal brand of feminism in writing and so much more. It felt awesome to be up there and I couldn’t have asked for better authors, a better audience or a better time. It was SUCH a great experience for sure.

All in all, it was another banner year at WonderCon and I’m sad to see it go once more. I always have such a great time, meet great people, see friends I haven’t seen in a long time, and buy too much fan art…if that is even such a thing. This year was even better than usual; I got to discover new podcasts and cross a bucket list item off the list. I am always counting down the days until the next year because, again, I always have such a great time. I can’t wait for next year!

I was in a search for some good Wonder Woman fan art and I saw a lot of it but this is the one that honestly made me the happiest and I had to get it. Irene also had a ton of awesome buttons and some other fabulous fan art as well and you can check her out as beanclam on instagram.

I bought a ton of Hamilton fan art from a sunnydisposish last year and I knew I needed this fan art in my life, especially after Kelly Marie Tran, who plays Rose in The Last Jedi, shared it on International Womens Day!

I had been looking EVERYWHERE for Ahsoka art work and I found a few but none that really jumped out or spoke to me until suddenly, out of nowhere, I spotted this one from Albert Nguyen (albertnguyenart) and immediately purchased it without a second thought. I love Ahsoka and Sabine and was immediately sold on this artwork.

I knew the moment I saw Chrissie Zullo’s booth that I was going to get something from her, it was just so hard to decide. She had an excellent Wonder Woman art piece (which she actually uses as her business card, so I have that in my clear phone case now haha) and an incredibly Leia one as well but I’m a sucker for snow bunny aka Hoth Leia and got my hands on this one. Make sure to follow her on her instagram here.

FREAKING LUNAR CHRONICLES FAN ART! CINDER, SCARLET, CRESS, WINTER AND IKO! I told myself that I was cut off from buying more fan art but how often do you see YA fan art at a con? I had to buy them. HAD TO! Follow the artist here and beg her to do more YA fan art because I’m truly in love.

I didn’t even realize Karen Hallion was going to be at WonderCon again and so I was pleasantly surprised to see her, and I immediately got my hands on her calendar, because I’m totally super in love with her original character. She’s well known for doing her Disney-Doctor Who crossovers but she honestly is my fave in fan art and always draws ALL the badass ladies in fiction.

My last little guilty pleasure purchase is from a vendor called Pixel That. I saw them last year on the last day, after my wallet was tapped out so I was determined to get something from them this year. I definitely want to buy more of them because they’re cute, sassy and insanely comfortable and now they have leggings too! They said the magic words. You can follow them here.

Event Recap - WonderCon Anaheim 2018! #WonderCon #WCA2018 @wondercon WonderCon weekend has officially closed and while I'm totally exhausted and my feet still hurt and I'm probably still a little dehydrated and I may feel a con cold coming on, I'm sad that its over.

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elenasescape1-blog · 4 years

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Good morning ✨

So now we are pretty much in an official lockdown in the UK; the confirmed cases and death toll are increasing daily... I want to talk about where I think this virus REALLY came from, as I truly believe this was not spread like how everyone thinks.

I really do believe this virus was man made; I believe this was a big distraction from what really was going on. Current wars in other countries have been completely forgotten about! World War 3 was about to break out but suddenly we don’t hear about it anymore because the only thing spoken about in any form of media is Covid-19... not sure if this is any use to anyone but Covid-19 translated into Hebrew then back to English is “Kobe”. Which celebrity death was all over the media then got taken over by Covid-19? Kobe and Gianna Bryant’s. Now this takes me to a couple of episodes from The Simpson’s, where they have predicted many things to have come true.. 9/11, Donald Trump’s presidency... how weird is it that they predicted Kobe’s death? Even weirder, they predicted both the Coronavirus and Tom Hanks’ isolation... and that’s all I’ll say on The Simpson’s, they seem to have predicted many things to have happened in the last 20-30 years... just food for thought with that one. Lastly on predictions, I’m sure many people have seen a picture on Twitter which has even been retweeted by Kim Kardashian West; it’s a snippet of a book written many years ago, stating “in 2020 a pneumonia like virus will attack the globe, vanishing just as quickly as initial onset”. Still not think it’s somewhat man made?

Let’s also think about what’s really in those chemtrails we see in the sky; yes we see them at certain times of the day because of air pressure and weather etc, but do we really and truly know what’s in them? One more thing to think about, how convenient that all this Brexit stuff went on for nearly 4 years and then we formally left the EU January 31st 2020? Brexit now means that the Covid-19 vaccine won’t be available in the UK as quickly as other countries... weird timing, right?

I don’t believe this was necessarily spread through Chinese people from Wuhan eating bats or whatever it was. Yes the first cases came from Wuhan, but why weren’t flights from China suspended straight away? I believe this virus was planted in the food markets as a way for them to have population control over China, where let’s not forget for a while the families were restricted to one child each as their population was over 1billion. Flights were not suspended to other countries to allow the spread, which they knew would be very easy and very quick. This, in my eyes, was a way for the governments to have some form of population control and also climate control, now that everyone is staying home much more of the time, pollution levels have decreased a lot, so much so that there are fish back in the canals of Venice. I expect to see dolphins in the river Thames within the next month (🙄).

Anyway, here’s a video I thought I’d include that I came across on Facebook yesterday - it reiterates a lot of what I’ve said and it’s really interesting.

https://www.facebook.com/124411634236128/posts/3136593436351251/?vh=e&d=n

Now moving on to mental health during isolation. I used to hate constantly being at home, being left alone just me with my anxious thoughts. This is going to be a testing time for many people who also feel this way. It’s important that we do not disconnect ourselves from our circles; yes we may not be able to physically see the people we want to be around, but we are so lucky to have the technology we do where we can call, video call (with more than one person at a time now) and stay in touch via social media - had this outbreak happened 20 years ago we would have been far worse off in this sense. Most importantly, if you do feel low, REACH OUT! Talk to anyone you can! Now that everyone is at home in the same boat, many more people have more time now to put into conversations. Remember, this is not going to last forever. I just personally hope that we don’t have a pandemic of social anxiety once everything goes back to normal - people will be so used to staying indoors most of the time and in the comfort of their own homes that they may feel anxious being back out into the world, unable to re-adjust to usual life as quickly as others. But we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it...

For those that do struggle with anxious thoughts & being at home for much of the time, or even for those who just get really bored and restless easily, here are 12 things for you to do during your day to keep yourselves busy!

1. Learn to cook

- this a great new skill to take up and one that can keep you occupied for a few hours during your day! Here’s a site with some apps (most of which are free) that give you cooking recipes, advice and can even show you recipes with what you can make do with what’s in your cupboards right now! There are also some great YouTube tutorials out there!

https://www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.digitaltrends.com/mobile/best-recipe-apps/%3famp

2. Learn a new language

- How cool would it be to come out of isolation billingual?! Okay not completely billingual, but beginning to speak a new language? This is a great task to put your minds to! Here are a couple of free apps that have been rated 4 stars or more on the App Store for iPhone. If they aren’t available on Androids, these apps have websites and there are plenty of other apps for Android too!

3. Find 5 films of different genres to watch and watch one a day.

4. Find 3 series with a decent amount of episodes/seasons and spread throughout the week.

- this goes for both 3 & 4; I believe binge watching in a time like this is not ideal! Imagine completing the series or film marathon you love in a whole day and then feeling like you have nothing else to watch! Spread the episodes/films out so you have something to do each day!

5. Pamper

- whilst taking care of ourselves mentally, we can’t forget that we have to take care of our skin too! Aside from drinking plenty of water, morning/nightly skincare routines are important to keep your glow, check out YouTube for some tips if you need them! Stay consistent too! You can even make homemade face masks, which are also on YouTube. Giving yourself a mani/pedi should take up a decent amount of time - your skin feels amazingly soft after too!

6. Exercise!

- we have no excuse for not doing exercise now! For those that love a walk or a jog, we are still allowed to leave the house to do this, whether it be around the block or in the park (which will be patrolled). Finding yourself a home exercise routine is a great way to keep occupied and feel good, as we know when we get that endorphin rush after a workout! There are many routines you can find online, and if you’re already a member in a gym and have their app, I’m sure there are routines on there too. If you have kids then you can all do this together! Joe Wickes AKA the Body Coach is doing online PE lessons for kids, so now you can all keep active. I’ll link his YouTube channel below:

https://www.youtube.com/user/thebodycoach1

7. Meditate

- For those with anxiety, meditation is so important! Meditation trains the mind to keep calm with racing thoughts and to have a mind over matter overall thought process. Here are some great apps below, which I have also used (they really are amazing):

8. Draw/be creative

- drawing/painting/sculpting - all so therapeutic and calming. They really allow you to put your mind to a task for a lengthy period of time and allow yourself to explore your creative side! A great way to learn new things about yourself if you never knew you had a creative side 😝

9. Vlog/blog your day/keep a journal

- write/express your feelings! If you are feeling low this is so important - this way you can understand your emotions more logically and your form of expression allows you to release them too. For those who are simply just getting bored, this is a fun way to keep occupied throughout the day! You can blog about what you’re doing, vlog your exercise routine etc. It’s great fun!

10. Organise/clear out cupboards/draws/wardrobes

- ever seen Stacey Solomon’s “Tap to Tidy” stories on Instagram? So satisfying! You could do the same. This is a pretty lengthy task and a great way to escape anxious thoughts by putting order in place!

11. Read

- reading is a lovely form of escapism where we can go into our own world for however long we want. It gives us a story to focus on and really become engrossed in the situation and characters, whether it be fiction or non-fiction. If you don’t own books, there are audiobooks, e-books and google books all online where you can find whichever book you want to read/listen to!

12. Find one thing to learn about each day and spend some time researching and learning loads.

- interested in space? Astrology? Egyptian history? Well grab a notebook and YouTube! Find anything in the entire world that you want to learn more about and watch some YouTube videos on it. I say YouTube videos because I personally believe this is the least boring way to learn about something. Write down some notes or draw visual notes on it, whichever way you learn best!

Basically, what all these tasks have in common is that it puts your mind to something fun, that you can really focus on for a decent period of time! Don’t leave yourself anxious or bored in isolation, keep your relationships with others both physically and virtually where you can. Keep yourself to doing something, stay as busy as you can/want! Don’t forget, if you’re feeling low or any type of way, please reach out and talk to someone/anyone, do not let yourself run away with these thoughts over something temporary!

💚✨💚✨💚✨

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balarsen22 · 7 years

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I see J tomorrow! its been almost a month since our last session. I’ve missed her so much. I decided to write her a letter to tell her whats all been going on in my life. Its the longest thing I’ve ever written that I plan to read to her:

I don’t want to bombard you with a month’s worth of struggles all at once when you’re just returning from vacation so I’m going to start with some positives. There have been good things that happened too and I did have some okay days, and even had a really good day during the last month. I got into an IP group at CSU thats on tuesdays from 3-4:30 that starts this week. the other day Dr Yap asked if there’s any way they could convince me to become a radiologist after I took some especially well positioned rads on the biggest dog I’ve ever seen- I laughed and said I prefer to live in the land of color, but it was a really good compliment. I started cross fit and it’s going to be really good for me I think- the intro classes have been good so far, and I have still been able to do stuff since breaking my hand with some adaptations. my thumb and pointer finger are going to be strong as fuck by the time this is healed. I have gotten to know Colton, the equine imaging intern, a lot more between doing the equine imaging independent study and him being in the cross-fit class, which is good. I really like him a lot and part of me hopes that maybe we’ll become more than friends, but I highly doubt he’d feel the same way. being just friends is always good too. And I got some good news after being really worried about Jake, because she’s increased her water intake quite a bit and wet her bed last week, and she’s woke me up a few times to let her go out to pee in the middle of the night. all the labs came back as normal so far, apart from her usg being a little low, but its not renal failure low. we did an abdominal ultrasound on her, and her kidneys and everything else is normal apart from a small nodule in her spleen that is most likely artifact, and we did chest rads too so we could get a baseline. everything was normal, and since she’s healthy apart from drinking and peeing a lot, i’m not going to keep putting her through tests and procedures. so I’ll just keep an eye on it and I’ll bring her in for a recheck if things continue to progress. Breaking my hand is giving me excellent practice using my left hand, which will make me a better surgeon. I used a lot of coping skills this last month, and have listened to 4 audiobooks. My new roommate Christine moved in this last weekend, i think she’s a really good fit- she had moved all her stuff here using a horse trailer, so I think she’ll fit in just fine. Life went on, and I have continued to break my personal record for consecutive days I stayed alive, and have survived 100% of my worst days, and all those other uplifting sayings.

Seeing Jeff went okay, but I don’t really trust him and he just doesn’t know me. I didn’t seem to be on the same page as him a lot of the time. And I’m still very afraid of talking about how dark my mind can get when it comes to being back at the CSU counseling center. During our first session I pointed out that I didn’t know what all he knew about me because I didn’t really know how much you filled him in on, so he told me an overview of what you had told him, and that he had heard of me back when i was in iTeam. It was really surprising and embarrassing and it brought up so much shame. i always cringe internally when i think about how crazy and stupid I have been in the past, especially when i think about my sophomore year of undergrad. I tried to move past the shame though and be honest with Jeff during our 3 sessions, and he did have some good ideas. we talked some about how to improve the relationship between you and I, and how I can start to regain your trust. I think the only way I can do that is to continue to be honest and work hard in therapy, and behave myself outside of the office. And if I want to lie to you about something, I tell you I want to lie instead of lying. I don't really know if there's anything else I can do. He suggested maybe figuring out a way to allow you to verify things, like how when people cheat in relationships they give their partner full access to their phone, but I don't know how that would work in here. I mean, Im willing to be held accountable to things by allowing you to ask people to verify things if you want, but i highly doubt you want to. But if you do I’ll sign the forms. Jeff suggested that because I end up lying when I try to explain why I’m feeling something, I should just state what I’m feeling or what I felt. I've really struggled to deal with how alone I feel. It feels like you're the only person that I don't have to hide anything from. I tried hard with Jeff, but I definitely was much more cautious about my words and the topics we talked about and tried really hard not to say anything that might cause alarm, especially after getting asked for awhile about the suicidal thoughts because I marked them on the form (even though I downplayed how frequently I’ve been having them on the form). I guess I wanted to avoid allowing myself to get attention for how much I was struggling so I tried to downplay things a bit. I didn’t consider it to be lying, but now that I’m writing about it I realize I wasn’t being completely open and honest about how I was actually doing and technically that is lying by omission. God damn it. I really didn’t mean to lie to him, I just didn’t want to draw attention to how much I was struggling because I didn’t want to be attention seeking. god fucking damn it. Its been a really rough couple of weeks for me mentally and emotionally, and i guess physically too. I’ve been feeling really low and just don’t have any interest in anything. I wake up feeling hollow and numb and empty and disappointed that I didn't die in my sleep, and as the day goes on I transition to feeling like I have a heavy weight on my chest, and I end up with a lump in my throat, and it gets hard to breathe and my entire body feels heavy. It gets to the point that its painful. I feel like I’m drowning and it feels like I’m going to cry but I never do. I seem to drift to the idea of suicide all day long, but I felt that I couldn’t talk to anyone about it. I can see that people would be affected by my death, but in my opinion it wouldn’t last for long. I would just turn into a memory, life would go on. Yeah it would hurt initially, but I feel like I wouldn’t be a huge loss in people’s lives. It’s not like I’m anyone’s first choice, or second choice, or even third. the pain would come up occasionally at like holidays or something, but they’d be okay. I feel like o one actually needs me in their lives. I’m just a background character and easily replaceable. I feel like I’m not enough for anyone, and I never actually will be no matter how hard I try. And it seems like the harder I fight it the tighter it holds onto me. I've been fighting a lot with the idea that I don’t know if the fact that I struggled so much was directly related to you being gone, or if it was more how I subconsciously believed I should feel with you gone. over Labor day weekend I got high, and for some reason I got racing thoughts about this stuff. I haven’t gotten high since. While high I got the idea to name my factitious disorder “Effy” because it sounds like F-D, similar to how people call their eating disorders “Ed” to separate the eating disorder from themselves. I started to get racing thoughts and wrote down the narrative of exactly what was going on in my head if you want to hear it, but it started out with the idea of “Do I have factitious disorder and do my urges get worse because of my combined depression and anxiety personality disorders acting up? or has effy been causing them all along? What if the only reason I'm depressed to begin with is just for attention. It's like asking what came first, the chicken or the egg?” I struggled with a lot of other similar concepts too- even to the point that if this existential crisis and philosophical moment was because of the weed, or just because its something that I know can happen with it. But basically everything comes back to "is this how I really feel? or is this just how Effy thinks I should feel?". the thought has really stuck with me and I'm really confused about it. I tried bringing it up with Jeff, and he said that either way I still feel the way I feel no matter what the cause is. it didn’t really help because I would use different coping skills or treat myself differently depending on the cause, and I probably would’ve been more open about how shitty I felt like I was doing if I had known it wasn’t just for attention., but i guess either way I feel like shit and I’ve been wanting more and more to give up and die. I kept trying to remind myself that I don’t have to be worse for you to care about me and to make you believe that I need help and I need you, and that I don’t have to show you how much you help me and how much I rely on you by completely falling apart without you, and that I don’t have to be worse to make sure you don’t abandon me or anything like that. but it never really changed how much I'm struggling. So maybe what I'm feeling is real, I'm not sure. It probably made me use skills more at least since I was trying to avoid doing something for attention, but they didn’t seem to help much either. Well, I guess they help in that they're keeping me safe and I haven't ended up needing to go to the ER or anything, but they never really made me feel any better. And even with them I still slipped up and cut twice on 2 particularly bad days, and I’m really sorry.

I’ve been leaning more towards not reaching out to people at all in case its just the factitious part of me doing it for attention. I’ve been trying to avoid getting extra attention as much as I can. Your absence has really made me realize that you’re the only person I feel like I can actually talk to. Apart from you, I don’t really have anyone to talk about the heavy stuff with right now anyways. There was one day early on when you were gone that I was really struggling, and my mom had happened to call, and I tried reaching out to her but i guess it was more in a way of testing the waters. I brought up how much I dislike school right now and how burned out I feel, and she just said that she’s sure I’ll bounce back soon and just brushed it off. I didn’t try to talk to her about anything else. I went to dinner one night with Megan and Shannon and Cameron for Megan’s birthday on a particularly bad head day, but that left me feeling even worse. had it been anyone besides megan I wouldn’t have gone, but I’m trying so hard to repair that friendship so I forced myself to go. I was with the people I used to consider to be my best friends, but I felt completely alone the entire time. All I could think about was how I wanted so badly to go home and die. How I wanted to find a gun and shoot myself. I did my best to engage in conversation and pay attention, but i felt so alone it hurt. When they finally decided to leave for the bars and I went home, I stopped on impulse and picked up some blades on my way. I cut when I got home. I felt really guilty and ashamed about it afterwards, and but in my head all I could think was that its better to cut than to end up in the ER on a psych hold. The next day I realized how fucked up my reasoning had been and I felt even worse about it, and then to add to it I started to think about how angry you were going to be with me for it. The whole situation with taking a big step back from Megan has been really hard for me. I realized a few days after our last session that even though I thought I could logically think it through, my emotions were still very black and white and I was reacting like our friendship completely ended, when in reality our friendship has been given a second chance. It still feels really devastating and I still get engulfed with feeling abandoned and with self hate and self blame, but I try to remind myself that she's just taking a step back, not telling me to get out of her life for good and to never speak to her again. It’s been really difficult for me though, and for the most part I’ve been avoiding her. I did try to see if Megan wanted to take the dogs on a walk on saturday morning this last weekend, and when she finally texted me back 2 days later she said sure and that she’d text me when she was up, which would probably be around 9am. on saturday morning I waited, and waited, and she finally texted me around 11:30 that she was up. by the time we met up at the trail, it was already starting to sprinkle and was windy and a bit cold. she had brought cameron along too, which i guess is fine, she just hadn’t mentioned he was coming too and usually he doesn’t go with us. It felt like she didn’t want to be there and that she wanted to avoid being alone with me. Our conversation was light, talking about derby mainly and her dad who just came to town and how he’s doing, and work. Mainly she talked. but after a bit it began to rain harder, and we turned around. It was just a disappointment of a day. I was really hoping to get to spend some quality time with her, just the two of us having fun and working on rebuilding our friendship, and instead of that we walked dogs for about 30 minutes in the rain, after I was left hanging pretty much all morning and planning my day around us going. and on top of that the dogs barely got a walk because it was cold and rainy the rest of the day on top of that. its just frustrating and disappointing and it hurt. I feel like it was just a reminder of how unimportant I am to her now. lately I’ve also been trying to take a step back from hanging out and connecting with Shannon, mainly because she never wanted to or could when I asked and eventually I’ve stopped asking. A big part of me has been wondering if she’s avoiding me and secretly hates me or doesn’t want to be my friend, and I guess I’ve slowly been convincing myself thats the truth. but I also needed to get myself back to seeing her as just a friend and it was hard to do that and keep hanging out, so maybe its for the best. but whatever the cause is, we haven’t hung out just the 2 of us in about a month now. And I’ve been so down lately that i haven’t really gone ahead with hanging out with hurt or holly more. I know that isolating myself from people doesn’t really help, but it hurts less than feeling completely alone when I’m with the people i consider to be my friends.

I also just don't have the energy or motivation to try right now- I’d rather just curl up and disappear these days. and there’s a part of me fuels that by rationalizing in my head that drifting away from people now means I won’t hurt as many people when I finally kill myself. I guess suicide has been on my mind a lot these days. I hate school right now, even though I should love it. I just don’t care anymore. I want to care, but I don’t have the energy or motivation. Vet med used to be the thing I was living for. And now its not. Now I’m living just to not cause more pain to people than I already have caused. I don’t enjoy anything anymore. If I wasn’t already $100grand in debt I would seriously consider dropping out. the thought has crossed my mind several times. I’ve been skipping class, and lately when I do go I’ll be trying to pay attention, and then all of a sudden there’s a heavy weight on my chest, a lump in my throat, and its hard to breathe. and I just want to leave. I want to go home and go hide. i don’t want to be in class. I don’t want to pay attention. I don’t want to go to work. i don’t want to have responsibilities. I don’t want to have commitments. I just want to go curl up with my dogs and fade away from the world. I care, but I don’t care anymore. at that point, I want to get drunk and kill myself. But all I can seem to do is sit there and stare at the wall in silence. I guess it's like a mental health equilibrium, that I want to do something destructive but my lack of energy and motivation prevents it. I sit there and fantasize about shooting myself, but I don’t want to bring it up to anyone because I feel like its just attention seeking. I start to think about ways I could get a gun, like to just go to the shooting range, rent a gun, and put a bullet straight through my brain. I imagine what it would feel like, to put the barrel to my temple. to curl my finger around the trigger and pull. I start to think about writing a goodbye letter, saying how sorry I am but I couldn’t handle it all anymore. but I don’t even know who I would leave it for anymore, and there’s not much else I would say in it but I’m sorry I wasn’t strong enough to keep going, and that I can’t keep living like this. When you’re drowning in the middle of an ocean with no land or boat in sight, I don’t want to learn to be okay with drowning. I want to get out of the water and onto a fucking boat, or let the end come quickly. because right now I’m out of energy and barely keeping afloat, and there’s no boats in sight. Maybe a boat will come or maybe I’m swimming towards shore, but maybe I’m not? or maybe I’m just too far and instead I’m going to get hypothermia and drown. I don’t want to be alive anymore. I want to stop this pain. I’m all choked up and I feel like I can’t breathe. I feel like I want to cry, but the tears don’t come. they never come. I sit there having a meltdown internally in the middle of the classroom, and eventually I’m able to tell myself that I shouldn’t be thinking of this stuff and that I need to pay attention to the task at hand and put the thoughts in container, but its like the container they go into is heavy and sits right on my chest. Even if I can stop the thoughts, the feelings don’t really go away. I go home for lunch every day now so I don't have to socialize too much, because I’m afraid that I won’t be able to hide whats going on in my head and I don’t want to draw attention to myself for how shitty I’ve been feeling. I know isolating doesn’t help things, and its probably just a depressive episode, so I started cross-fit at the beginning of the month to try and help me get back more into the routine of exercising again to try and combat the depression. I know I need to start working out and running again, but I don’t have the motivation to do it on my own anymore, so I joined cross-fit since they offer classes every day and you sign up for them before hand and getting my moneys worth helps as a motivator to go. I still drag my ass to derby too, but I’ve been pretty closed off with everyone there and haven’t had many ups recently.

We had a roller derby tournament on the 14th and 15th. The first day of the tournament I actually had a lot of fun and remembered why I fell in love with derby to begin with. It was a good day all around, and I was in a really good mood too. I found out before game one that I was going to be one of the constants on the track (vs rotating in). It was a huge confidence boost for me, as I have always been a “rotator.” I have worked so hard and have come so far in the last year, and I felt like I played my heart out. We won both games. Derby was fun. I was really pumped up, and really happy about it. I hurt my hand at the end of the second game, but the rest of the day couldn't have gotten any better. for a little while, I was able to escape the dark cloud I live in these days. I got to enjoy it. I considered going into urgent care Saturday night after I hurt my hand, but I was afraid i was just making a big deal out of nothing just to get attention. I iced and took ibuprofen instead, and taped it for Sunday's games and tried not to draw attention to it. But day 2 of the tournament was the complete opposite for me from the day before. I got told that morning that I would go back to being a rotator for our line, and it completely crushed my soul and my confidence and my excitement for the day right away. several other things on top of that made it a really bad day for me mentally. I was being a poor sport about doing what was best for the team and was acting like an entitled spoiled brat. I just couldn’t understand what I did wrong on Saturday that made me get dropped down again, I thought I had played really well the day before but obviously I hadn’t. and while my fingers were taped I hadn’t said anything about my hand hurting (even though I no longer had separate knuckles because of the swelling and it ached like a mother fucker), so it wasn’t like I was bumped down because of that. And then even when I did get to play, Bull was acting really frustrated with me on the track which made me shut down even further. I assumed she was frustrated with me because I was playing poorly and kept making mistakes and getting stupid penalties. I was seriously afraid I was going to start to cry on the bench at one point. I didn’t handle any of it well whatsoever. At one point bull even argued with one of the bench coaches that I wasn’t supposed to be going on the track next even though Georgia had wanted to sit one so I was going to go in for her. but with the big deal bull made Georgia said she’d go in. When I skated away to the other end of the bench bull went to say something to me, but i stopped her and just said ”bull, I love you, but right now I can’t talk to you. I need to calm down.” She looked really pissed but skated away. I went up to her at halftime a few minutes later and she said not to take it personally, that she just wanted to make sure that Georgia got equal playing time, which was annoying coming from her since she was a constant on the track. She also said she was frustrated with the refs and the bench coach and not me, but she still didn’t change her attitude towards me. I tried to be a positive force on the bench, but I didn’t want to be there. I didn’t want to be at the tournament even. We ended up winning all 4 games and the tournament, but I just wanted to die. I wanted to quit derby, even though i had just been reminded the day before how much I love playing. I was so down that I even called my mom on the way back and told her how bummed out and down I had been about having to sit and that it had crushed my confidence, but she made some comment like “well thats how it is” and “there’s no I in team”, and basically told me I shouldn’t be feeling that and how I should just be happy for the team and that we won. It just made it all worse, and I don’t know why I even tried reaching out to her. I guess probably because I didn’t have anyone else. I couldn’t stop thinking that I’m just overreacting anyways, its probably all in my head and I’m probably just being really dramatic and making a big deal out of nothing, and letting it get to me too much. And I shouldn’t have let myself get excited and proud of myself to begin with for it. I ended up cutting that night. After realizing how badly I fucked up again I got even more upset, and I called summit stone. The call didn’t help a ton, but it helped enough. She calmed me down some about feeling so horrible for letting you down and told me to give myself some credit for wanting to cut so badly for the last month and only slipping up twice. It didn’t really help with fearing your reaction and how bad I feel about letting you down, or the guilt and shame of fucking up yet again, but at least I didn’t cut again that night and I haven’t cut since. She kept trying to remind me that I’m doing the best I can right now, but all I can think of is that either my best is not enough or I should’ve done better and worked harder and I’m not doing enough. Either way, I still feel like shit about it. But I do want you to know that the main thing that stopped me from continuing and got me to call at all was realizing how disappointed you’d be, and hearing your voice in my head saying “I can’t work with you if you’re going to hurt yourself”. I'm really sorry, and I don’t want to sound like I’m making excuses for what happened and why I slipped up, because there’s no real excuse. I’ve really been dreading how disappointed and mad you’re going to be with me, and I’m really praying that you aren't going to fire me as a client. Especially because I avoided it with jeff both times when I really shouldn’t have. I just didn’t want it to be an attention seeking behavior and I didn’t want it to become a big deal, because I had the feeling it would’ve been. but now I just realized that bringing it up only with you could be considered attention seeking too. god damn it. I’ve been trying so hard not to do things that might be attention seeking, but it just keeps backfiring.

It turned out I broke my hand during our second bout on saturday and my fear of making it a big deal was bad, and turned out to almost make it worse. Monday morning my hand was still really swollen and achey, and eventually I decided to go in after my equine surgical anatomy rotation in the morning much due to the urging of holly who was my lab partner and saw how swollen it was. I went to CSU’s health center and got x rays, and the doctor said that I had an avulsion fracture. he sent me to PT to get a splint and to make an appointment with the hand surgeon at CSU to make sure it wouldn’t require surgery, but the PT was in disagreement that it was a fracture. The radiologist also said it wasn’t a fracture, but the doctor was convinced. Nearly 4 hours later they sent me home saying it wasn’t a fracture and just had me tape my fingers together. they said that they’d have the hand surgeon look at the rads when he was there Wednesday to double check. I got the rads on a CD and was looking at them at work Monday night to try and figure out what the dispute was about. I thought i saw a fracture, but I also wasn’t sure if I was seeing it just because I almost wanted it to be broken. like something deep inside was really disappointed when the radiologist said it wasn’t fractured, and I hate so much that I had that feeling. It just didn’t feel like how much it was bugging me was justified unless it was broken. Colton also agreed it was fractured, but I didn't go back in because I didn't want to make a big deal of it, and I hated that I had the feeling of satisfaction I got from it being broken. then on tuesday I got a call from the doctor who said he got a second opinion on the rads, and the other radiologist agreed with him that it was a fracture, but I could just stay with it taped until I met with the hand surgeon, but if I really wanted to I could come get a splint. Anyone who's in medicine knows that with any type of fracture you need to stabilize the joint above and below, but I didn't want to give myself the satisfaction of a splint drawing attention to it so I just left it taped. But by Thursday morning my hand was throbbing so badly in class that i could barely function, so I went back to the doctor to get a real splint for it. I went to American family associates instead of CSU though, because Monday reminded me why I don't go to the CSU medical center. The doctor I saw there looked at the rads and was obviously horrified that it was even a question it was fractured to begin with, and that they only had me buddy taping it to the finger next to it. I felt really validated that I wasn't just being a weenie about it, and realized later that was satisfying the attention seeking part of me and I while it felt good to be validated I also hated myself for how good it felt that she was validating how much it was hurting me, and I hate mself even more for the surge of appreciation and satisfaction when she said ‘you poor thing’. She also had me get an appointment with the hand surgeon at the orthopedic center of the rockies for the next day because she was concerned I had done further damage by not being in the splint. I went to the hand surgeon friday, and was told that while there’s joint involvement the fracture is stable and it shouldn’t require surgery, and i was given a different brace, which he said i can skate in. i have a recheck in about 3 weeks. So basically the entire thing was a shitshow and me trying not to make a big deal of things backfired and made it even more of a big deal, and resulted in me probably getting more attention than I would have had I just gone into urgent care on saturday night. I don’t know how to balance my attempts to not be attention seeking vs making sure i get attention for things that require it.

I’ve had this huge fear that you would decide while you were gone that you wanted to be just be done with me and tell me to find someone else to work with. After all we’ve been through I know its irrational, but the fear was still there, and now I gave you yet another reason to get rid of me by messing up and cutting. I think its important that you know that I’m terrified of letting you down. Maybe the fear is good, because for the most part it keeps me from self destructing because I’m so afraid of losing this relationship. I guess the thing is I’m trying so hard to do it all and I’m mentally and emotionally exhausted from it, but at the same time i feel like the effort I’m putting in isn’t enough. I’m so afraid of letting you down, especially because you’ve given me so many chances to get my shit together, especially after the last time I fucked up and lied. I’m always so afraid that if I fuck up in any way you’re going to leave me. I’m afraid that eventually you’re going to say that i’m not worth the trouble, that you’re going to decide that I’m too fucked up and demented and attention seeking and tell me I need to start seeing someone else and that you won’t work with me anymore. I keep fucking up and I’m so fucking scared that you’re going to leave because of it, and I guess you being gone has magnified that fear. I feel like the only reason I have held it together as much as I did was because I don’t want to hear the disappointment in your voice or have your be mad at me when you get back. I really wanted you to be happy with me for how I handled everything with you being gone, most nights the only thing that kept me from doing something stupid was the fear of how you’d react when I had to tell you about it. I’m pretty sure you have become my wise mind, because I kept trying to figure out what you would say to me or how you would react if I chose to do something. But there are some times that I still have barely been holding it together. I feel like I handled you being gone really poorly. Maybe it wouldn’t have been so bad if I could actually talk to someone without being afraid that I’m just being attention seeking, and I really tried to do that with Jeff, but there were some things that I was too afraid to go into. Mainly, how hopeless and bland life seems and the fact that there was one night that literally the only reason that kept me from it was the fact that it would be a really shitty thing for you to come back from your honeymoon to. I need to be able to talk about it but i’m afraid to talk to anyone about it because I don’t want people to overreact and make it a big deal and land up in the ER or at mountain crest, but sometimes I wonder if I really should end up there. Like during the last part of our session and after I left Jeff’s office this last tuesday, I wanted nothing more than to just die, but I didn’t feel safe telling him that because I didn't want to get sent to the ER. I sort of hinted at it during session, but I didn’t directly bring it up. And the problem was I just really wanted to talk to you, because it feels like the only reason I’m even trying anymore is because I don't want to let you down. I have been struggling a lot while you were gone, and I'm really really sorry for disappointing you and fucking up so much, and all I can do is beg you not to fire me. I know that you being back isn't just going to magically make everything all better, but at least I you know me and understand and can explain to me what the fuck is going on in my head and help me make sense of things. And I trust you and I know I can talk to about anything now, even if sometimes it takes me awhile to convince myself to get the words out. This last month has made me realize even more how much it helps me to come in and be held accountable and to be able to talk about everything, and feeling safe in doing so. I don’t feel so alone with it all when you’re here. I guess I hadn’t realized before you left that it was possible to feel more alone than I already did, but apparently it is. and all of this has made me realize how much our relationship means to me, which is really scary for me to admit to you. When it comes to people I feel like I can 100% go to with anything and truly trust with my life, you’re all I have. and its scary to realize that I depend on you this much. I still don’t know if it’s just Effy trying to show you how much I think I need you, or if this is actually how much I need you. I hope your wedding was everything you imagined it would be and that you hand an absolutely amazing trip,. and I’m really glad and relieved that you’re back. I've missed you so much.

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