#and i cant stop thinking about all the time im blurring away

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[bartxnhood]

second chance | c.b

colby brock x fem!reader

summary: you’ve been bottling up your emotions for too long, when colby finally returns from an investigation you blow up. he begs for a second chance.

warnings: angst, mild language, argument.

a/n: back with another colby blurb bc i literally cant get him out of my mind lol. this was kinda inspired by a song so i will link it below and you can listen while you read if you want !! enjoy ! feedback is appreciated.

requests open

not proofread

Copyright © 2023 bartxnhood. All rights reserved. This original work is not allowed to be reposted on any platform in any format.

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you frantically began throwing random items of clothing into your bag, rummaging through drawers, your shared closet, and the bathroom. getting what you needed for a few days away.

you were so tired of being alone. katrina was visiting her family, and sam and colby were on their filming trip which left you alone at the house. of course, you could just go home but you didn’t have the money for a flight at the moment and you were too keen on the idea of driving across the state alone.

so you just decided to stay back at the house.

but you were finally at your breaking point. colby was coming home today, but you just had enough. you needed a breather and the only way you’d get that is getting out and away.

you heard commotion downstairs and you took that as he and sam were home. “babe! i’m home!” colby announced coming upstairs, but when he opened the bedroom door he didn’t expect the scene in front of him.

colby asked, “where are you going?” as he dropped his bags to the floor. “staying with a friend” you answered, zipping up your bags and throwing them over your shoulder. you made a b-line for the door but, colby stopped you. “why?” you looked ahead, not wanting to face him.

he knew you were mad, he couldn’t understand why you were though. colby didn’t know about your loneliest nights, the ones you’d scream and cry yourself to sleep because of his lack of attention and time differences. he didn’t know how much you were suffering while he was out having fun recording his videos. you never told him.

“i just need to get out, colby.” you never called him that, it was always ‘colbs’ or ‘hun’. he pulled you back, you finally looked at him. “what’s wrong? talk to me” “nothing's wrong! im fine!” you weren’t. you wanted to punch him and call him stupid for not seeing your pain. colby sighed, “then why are you leaving?” finally, you snapped.

“because i’m tired!” you dropped your bags, your chest burning with anger. “i’m so tired of being left here alone for weeks, sometimes months while you’re gone. i know you’ve offered to let me join but you know i hate that stuff, colby.” it all came pouring out. “i’m so tired of waiting for you” you began punching and pushing his chest, the damn opened and tears flowed down your face. “i’m. so. tired!” his arms held you tightly but you fought back, and you cried, “don’t!” colby’s eyes were starting to tear up. “i wake up every fucking day reaching for you but you’re not here.”

“y/n..i..” he was at a loss for words, running a hand through his hair. “please just don’t leave, let’s talk this out, please.” he reached for your hand, pulling you closer his other hand held your chin up. “what can i do?” you blinked away tears blurring your vision, “i..” you fell silent, unable to think straight. colby added, “use your words.”

“just please don’t be so distant. i miss us, i miss you. i miss everything, and i just can’t be alone anymore.” colby nodded, “okay. i won’t leave. i promise” he wrapped his arms around your neck holding you closer than ever.

it had been a few hours since the fight, and now the two of you sat by the fire outside sharing a blanket. “im sorry for what i said and how i handled it. i was just so frustrated”

he hummed, “don’t apologize, im glad you told me. i think i needed to hear it” colby kidded your temple. “just promise me one thing, don’t shut me out. please” the pad of his thumb caressed your cheek. “i’ll be better too, i’ll stay home more often, kay?” you nodded, smiling. “i love you, colbs” he pecked your lips once more, “i love you too, y/n/n. i promise i’ll never act like that again. i’m sorry i put you through so much pain.”

[puppyjune]

kill her. kill her. kill her.

she looks so beautiful. the bruises. the tears.

but the blood. the blood is holy. divine; the original temptation. once i see scarlet spread across her skin, i can barely stop. the lust, the drive, the carnal desire for brutality.

eyes starting to glaze over, i finally lessen my grip on her neck. so close, edging myself with her life. can i really hold myself back? what if i dont stop?

theres always next time.

why must i be so angry? its all ive known. walking into existence brings me these feelings. part of me wants to grow, but the comfort of that angry impassionate shell is so tempting. i try to step out, brave the new world of emotion. it backfires. over and over, all i know is negativity. oh, but how satisfying that rage is. grab that bat, lay her down whether she wants it or not.

…that may not be "kind", or "empathetic". but what else do i know? its just so easy to do. shes practically begging for it, im actually being nice by abusing her; right?

no no no, i get told that isnt the right way. but if so, why does it feel so good? is this the forbidden fruit? let me bite into her skin and learn what true sin is, carve it into her so she can be enlightened. oh, to be cut. the beauty of those lines, they make shiver with delight.

ah. empathy. that thing. do i really need it? i do? thats fucked. well, lets try a different approach.

brushing away some hair, i kiss her forehead and pull her close. the weight of her head on my body, the way she smiles, it just warms my heart. maybe i can understand what it means to be kind and empathetic. but why does she look at me that way? i must be imagining it. she couldnt possibly want… that. i blush, thinking of how close i came last time; shes probably thinking im blushing from her beauty right now. but all i can think of is the image of her choking herself for my pleasure. the knife on her skin.

i cant stop myself, i need that. violence, god does it make me feel fulfilled. its my one true passion, my vice, the thing that keeps my heart beating and my lust fueled. and why shouldnt i indulge? shes asking for it. obviously. cmon, that was totally what she was thinking, i dont need to ask. its more fun if i dont ask her.

ah, here again. layed out before me, a canvas to play with. i start sweet, checking in after every hit, watching where i hit and how hard, making sure to kiss her marked body.

hit, hit, hit. i look into her eyes, shes starting to squirm, maybe the pain is a bit much? i start to think about asking her if i should tone it down, or maybe just tone it down without asking, play it safe.

oh fuck, shes starting to squirm. this is what i need, the nectar ive been craving. i cant stop myself, i cant hold back. keeping her pinned down, swing after swing of that whip crashes down. my vision blurs, i feel such immense lust i cant think of anything else. how many hits until she fights back, until i have an excuse to really raise the stakes? oh please little pet, try and fight me. i need you to, then i cant be blamed for what happens next. but i get stopped. some part of me pulls me back, telling me to slow down. she gets to live a little longer.

i cant just stop now, i need to get these feelings out. "turn over. now."

good, now i have a fresh canvas to once again paint with pain. over and over, i whip her. its just, not good enough. i already did this, im over it, the rush is gone. i need to kill.

looking over, i see my bat. or specifically, a kendo sword. those bound strips of wood, that slight bend, just adds such a wonderful sprinkle on top of the pain from the swing. shes still down, dazed from the whip.

hit. hit. hit. kill. break her legs. she cant run. she cant resist. one swift hit to the head, bash her face with the bat, then there will be no resistance.

oh, ive done it again. i nearly couldnt stop myself. here i am, having mounted her, bat pressed against her neck, my entire weight and strength being offered for her demise. i need it, i need her to die. i need to kill. the marks on her legs shine against her pale skin. i made sure each leg had a good enough mark to make it difficult to walk, impossible to run. along with every. other. bruise. god, does she look beautiful. i feel true pleasure fill my heart as i look into her eyes. those divine eyes. tears silently rolling down her reddened face, the look of pain only brought by my abuse, the way you can see just how close she came to death. those dull eyes, barely able to comprehend what they see. if i could only have one wish, it would be to watch the life drain from peoples eyes as i use them for my pleasure.

[elliereject]

stupid bitch .2

* after learning about the feelings you’d harboured for her for so long, ellie was even more confused than before. however, after spending time away from you and even more time thinking, she realizes that fuck she feels the same way, if not stronger. she only hopes that you still feel the same way and she’ll be able to finally call you hers.

* angst at the beginning if you squint, ellie’s in denial and stupid, ellie lowkey being head over heels in love with you and everything you do, kissing, oral!reader receiving, scissoring, overstim, meanish!ellie, lots of mush

* hello! sorry it took a while for this part to come out, i wanted to make sure the ending was as dramatic as the first part with a satisfying end. i promise im not ignoring you guys i do see all of your sweet messages and requests to tag and i thank you all so much for interacting with me and enjoying what i write bc i enjoy writing it! unfortunately i cant respond 1on1 because this is not my primary account and tumblr hasn’t changed it so that alternate accounts can do all the things main ones do

ʅ（◞‿◟）ʃ anyways i dont want to make this too long so im gonna wrap it up but again, thank you so much for the kind words it’s motivating me to continue writing and before i shut up i was just wondering if anybody would be interested in a ballerina!reader x ellie slowburn cuz it’s currently floating around in my drafts and i just wanna make sure it wouldnt flop also lol take a shot every time i use the word jade.

*mdni

*wc - 4k (bonus at the end)

part .1 here

“Stop fucking laughing Jesse, it’s not funny” Ellie frowned.

Jesse let out one last obnoxious guffaw before handing the joint back to Ellie, who was laying back on her beanbag, so he could wipe a stray tear from his eye.

“You’re right.” He said, suddenly serious. “It’s fucking hilarious.” He snorted, kicking his legs up and gasping for air.

Dina elbowed him hard from her seat next to him on Ellie’s old green couch, “She’s right, Jesse shut up.”

After that movie night-turned-love confession, Ellie had utterly broken down. The lines between her friendship with you had blurred so much she couldn’t see it clearly if she had fucking glasses on.

Her kiss with you had sent her down a whirlwind path of confusion and guilt. She had no idea where she stood with you and it’d been over a month and a half since she’s spoken to you.

After that night, Ellie ended things with Cat. She couldn’t handle being in a relationship especially when she wasn’t even sure she liked the girl she was dating anymore plus the fact you were in love with her. Cat had gotten mad, screaming matches were had and insults were thrown; but it was when she started coming for you, calling you a slut and a homewrecker and saying that she always knew you were trying to steal Ellie from her that she gave her 5 seconds to get the fuck out before she did something she regretted.

Cat had left with a scoff, taking Ellie’s favourite green sweater with her. After doing lots and lots of thinking, Ellie called up Dina for an emergency smoke sesh and to get some advice on what the fuck was going on since she somehow always knew what to do. Only she hadn’t known Jesse would be there and the headache he was inducing almost made her throw him out the door and she 100% would’ve if Dina wasn’t there.

“Thanks, Dee.”

“Of course, only I just have one question.” Ellie had just finished explaining what had happened between the two of you in the last couple months, hence the reason Jesse was about to pull a muscle from laughing so hard.

“Shoot.”

“Why the fuck did you stay with Cat for so long?”

Ellie groaned, taking a long puff of the joint before passing it to Dina so she could explain.

“I don’t fucking know she made me feel..good? And bad..but good. I know this is going to sound crazy but being with someone who was as fucked up as me felt…safe, like I wasn’t alone.”

“But she cheated on you like..a hundred times,” Jesse spoke up, finally recovering from his fit of laughter. Dina shot him a look.

“I know but, after she did, she’d be so apologetic and loving and I guess I got used to it and liked the amount of love and attention she was giving me so... I stayed and forgave her, again and again. Pretty fucked up, huh?” Ellie laughed dryly.

“Oh no, honey. Even the best of us fall victim to love-bombing.” Dina said, a comforting smile on her face.

“Yeah that’s sad and everything but what about ★, you treated her like shit.” Jesse said, a hint of sourness in his voice.

“I know—fuck! I know. Cat got in my head and kept telling me that she liked me and I didn’t want to believe it because she’s my best friend for fucks sake! But in those months I was dating Cat I found myself comparing the two of them more and more and I got scared because there was no way I should’ve been in love with her so like an idiot, I pushed her away and Cat pulled me in.” Ellie sighed, the retelling of the past couple of months making her cringe at how stupid she’s been.

She paused, grabbing the joint from Dina to take another drawl. “Then that night after we kissed I realized that fuck, I was in love with her and I kinda hated dating Cat…who also took my favourite hoodie.” Ellie said with a huff.

“Damn..you lesbians and your love triangles.” Jesse said, shaking his head.

“Shut up man, I know you and Dina have your own crazy shit going on.” Ellie rolled her eyes.

“Yes.” Jesse said, getting up to pluck the almost finished joint from her hand, “We do, but we settle it internally.”

Dina nodded, “Anyways, are you and ★…” She trailed off, unsure how to finish her sentence.

“I don’t fucking know, I needed some time to think and I wanted to give her some space but it’s been weeks and I’m fucking terrified she’s never gonna speak to me again.”

Jesse shook his head, “You guys have been friends for years, just give her a little more time, she’ll come around.”

“But what if she doesn’t?” Ellie said, leaning forward to hang her head in her hands. “I miss her so fucking much you guys.”

“You need a distraction,” Dina said suddenly, clapping her hands together.

“I agree.” Jesse nodded his head, putting out the joint on the light blue ashtray sitting on the coffee table. “I’m hungry as hell, go buy us some pizza.”

“Fuck you, I’m not your butler.” Ellie rolled her eyes, again.

“Come on, you know you’re hungry too.” Dina said in a sing-songy voice.

“I’m not.” She was.

“Just go, I’ll Venmo you.” Jesse groaned.

Ellie sighed but got up anyways, grabbing her coat from the back of her seat and walking up to her door.

“Fine, but you guys better not just be trying to get me out so you can fuck, again.”

“We would never,” Dina said reassuringly.

“That’s exactly what we’re doing.” Jesse shrugged, earning another jab in the side from Dina.

Ellie rolled her eyes for what seemed like the millionth time tonight as she left her dorm. As much as they annoyed her, Ellie was grateful to have Dina (and Jesse) there to help her through whatever the hell was going on.

Her walk to the diner was a long one as she purposely took a different route to get there. She’d hate to admit it but the couple was right, she had needed a distraction and the freezing winds against her flushed skin helped along with the high from her earlier joint helping to calm her rapid thoughts and allowing her a minute to breathe.

However, when she pushed open the door to Sal’s—her favourite diner— it was like every ounce of stress that had just dissipated came flooding back x10.

“Ellie,” The girl said, giving her a tight smile from her seat on one of the old stools near the counter.

“Cat..” Ellie sighed.

When the two of them were still together, they’d spent countless date nights here sharing milkshakes and sneaking kisses in the bathroom. She’d even considered branding it “their spot” but thank god she didn’t because she probably never would’ve come back again.

“What are you doing here?” Ellie asked.

“What..just because we broke up means that I can’t come here anymore?” Cat laughed dryly, and swirl red her straw around her chocolate milkshake.

“No, I didn’t mean—“

“Kidding, I know what you meant.” Cat patted the stool next to her, “So how are you and ★? You two should be in the honeymoon stage by now, right?”

Ellie shuffled up to the counter, ordering a pepperoni and cheese pizza to go before sitting down gingerly next to Cat.

“Actually, we haven’t talked since that night.”

“You’re fucking with me,” Cat said, mouth agape.

Ellie shook her head, “Dead serious.”

Cat made a noise, something between a scoff and a laugh before turning to look at Ellie.

“You haven’t even tried reaching out to her? You fucking broke up with me because of her—“

“Among other reasons.”

She rolled her eyes, “And you haven’t even talked to her yet?”

“I’m giving her space.”

She shook her head, muttering an “I don’t fucking get you, Williams.” before returning to her milkshake.

By then, Ellie’s order was ready and she took the boxes, brushing past her ex after mumbling, “Yeah, I know.”

Ellie’s walk back to her dorm started slow, she tried collecting her thoughts, tried to organize and arrange them in a way she could understand but she couldn’t focus. Cat’s words wrung in her ears, the only thing she could pick apart from the tornado was you, you you you you.

Fucking you.

Your gorgeous eyes that always seemed to find hers and when they did fuck it was like the world stopped, and your laugh oh my god your laugh, it’d been so long since she heard your laugh and how she craved it. Don't even get her started on how you always knew exactly what to say to her when she was feeling down, and how you tasted..like everything she’d ever wished and more, and how after that night she ached to taste you again, to feel you; how just being near you immediately skyrocketed her mood. She wasn’t herself without you and she was the best version of herself when she was.

Could you be addicted to someone? She didn’t think so, but somehow with you, it seemed like you could. Ellie wasn’t sure when she’d started running, but as she felt sweat perspire on her brow and her breathing come in as quick laboured breaths all she knew is that she needed to see you.

—★

She made it back to her dorm, fumbling to open her door while balancing the pizzas in her hand. When she finally threw open the door she ignored the sight of Jesse laying his head on Dina’s lap and plopped the boxes on the coffee table.

“I’m going to go see her.” She huffed, already making her way to the door to start running to your dorm.

“What happened to space?” Jesse called out.

“Fuck space!” She yelled back, ditching the elevator and opting for the stairs. Later, she’d have given you the entire fucking solar system if you wanted, but right now? She needed to see you be close to you, hold you, kiss you.

She pumped her legs harder, silently wishing she had done track for longer than 3 months back in middle school. Her chest burned and her neck and back were slick with sweat but she was almost there. She didn’t know what the fuck she was going to say to you but she’d figure something out.

When she finally reached your building, she brushed past the residence hall director who’d seen her hundreds of times before and decided on the elevator this time to organize her thoughts a little before seeing you.

Her nerves started to catch up to her as she watched the numbers above the metal door change, was she ready to see you? What if you didn’t want to see her? What if you just straight up refused to talk to her?

Before she could chicken out, the elevator had reached your floor. She walked down the hall to your door and took three deep breaths before knocking. She heard a little shuffling from behind your door and a small gasp before you opened it, peeking your head out.

“Ellie..” You breathed.

“★. Please, I need to talk to you.”

Your eyes flashed to the floor, avoiding her pleading gaze. “Is Cat okay with you being here?”

“We broke up.”

“What?” You questioned, letting the door swing open and allowing her to take in your full form. You were wearing fuzzy pyjama pants with cute characters patterned on them and a thick oversized sweatshirt. The whites of your eyes were slightly red and the bags beneath them were prominent. She could tell you had been crying and it made her heart lurch, she wanted to pull you into her chest, breathe you in and never let go.

“Yeah, it— can I come in?” She asked.

“Uhm..” You bit your lip, probably thinking whether or not you should let her into your dorm, let her back into your life.

“Please. I promise I’ll make it quick.” She practically begged, lowering her head so she could lock her jade eyes on yours.

You nodded, moving back so she could step inside. You led her to the small couch in the living room as if she hadn’t been there thousands of times before. You sat silently across from her, eyes filled with worry and a tiny gleam of hope and she felt the urge to pull you into her chest bloom throughout her. Of course, she planned on doing that later, but as of right now, she had to set things straight.

“Let me just start off by saying, I’m sorry. ★ I’m so fucking sorry for how I treated you when I was dating Cat.” You tried and failed to ignore the way her voice cracked, pain and genuinity adorned her features.

“We were both terrible for each other but my fucked up brain thought it made sense that I was with her. That she was what I deserved…” She looked up from fidgeting hands to meet your eyes, she couldn’t read your face so she continued.

“I’d been feeling..” She paused, looking up to gather her thoughts. She never really was good with her words, but she needed you to know how much you meant to her, how much love she held for you in her heart. “Shit...I’d been feeling different when it came to you...like I swear to fucking god you’re made of sunlight and sweetness or something cause my heart swells whenever I think of you, and when you’re not with me I feel so…!” She groaned and you giggled, so soft that if her ears weren’t trained to hear and take in every sound you made she would’ve missed it, and her heart softened and swelled and spun and sputtered.

“I pushed you away because I was scared of those feelings, but that night, after we kissed. I realized that... I love you, ★. And I completely understand if you never want to see me again, God knows I don’t deserve you but—“

“Stop.” You said, suddenly standing up to walk over to her.

Her jade eyes searched yours desperately, for any sign of what you were thinking, how you were feeling if you were fighting the same urge as her to pull her into your arms and kiss her like the world was ending tomorrow.

“Stop saying that,” She looked at you, confusion flooded her features.

Your soft hands found her rough ones and the warmth that flooded from you to her made her lightheaded, how the hell was it possible to love someone this much?

“Ellie, words can’t describe how much I cared for you,”

‘cared’ She physically felt her heart rip.

“and I need you to know you deserve everything good in life.”

“Does that include you?” She said with a weak smile.

You looked to the side, dropping her hands. “You..hurt me.”

Ellie shot up faster than she’d ever moved in her life, her hands coming up to cup the sides of your face, “And I want to rip my fucking heart out every time I remember, but I need you in my life, lovebug.”

Your eyes finally met hers and you could practically hear the “whoosh” from your resolve flying out of your body. You’d never seen a shade of green so beautiful, so passionate, so desperate.

This time, it was your eyes flicking to her lips and you didn’t even have a second to pull back before her lips were on yours. This kiss had the same amount of wanting as your last one, but it was softer, slower. Like if she went too fast you’d disappear from her hands and she couldn’t lose you again.

She pulled away only to place strawberry kisses along your neck and collarbone, eliciting that same sweet sound she had heard from you only a few weeks prior and she knew she needed to have you.

Your hands tugged gently at her top and she shrugged off her coat, lips still connected to your neck. Her hands dipped beneath your sweater to trace soft squiggles against your stomach with her short nails.

She released her hold on your neck and spun you around so that you were sitting on your couch and she was towering over you.

She watched as your chest rose and fell rapidly, how your eyes met hers, glossed over in a way she’s never seen before, your soft slips glistening and slightly swollen. She’d never been more turned on in her life.

She knelt, her veiny hands hooking onto the top of your pants and underwear before she looked back up at you,

“Is it okay if I take these off?”

You nodded fervently and bit your lip as she slid them off, ever so slowly. She had waited too long to do this, you’d better believe she was going to savour each moment.

You felt the cold air hit your cunt and her mossy eyes immediately snapped to it, she looked as if she was in a trance. She’d been staring for so long you would’ve gotten self-conscious if not had she said,

“So fucking pretty.”

Heat rose to your cheeks and your eyes focused on the wall to the side of you but you scrunched them closed when you felt her lick a stripe up your folds.

You’d heard from a friend of a friend who was friends with Cat that Ellie gave insane head. And of course, anger and jealousy and bitterness swirled through you at the thought of her performing such acts on another person, so for your own well-being you denied and refused to believe it.

And fuck were you eating your words. Her tongue swirled expertly around your cunt and your eyes were practically rolling to the back of your head, and the borderline pornographic sounds you were making were like fucking music to her ears.

“Fuck so good, Ellie.”

She’d never admit it but she was a sucker for praise so with the words that fell from your beautiful mouth she made sure to speed up her movements, your legs were shaking at this point and somehow your hand had found its way into her auburn locs, tugging softly which resulted in soft grunts from her that reverberated through your body and cause a feeling like no other.

That familiar feeling began welling up inside, a knot that grew tighter, and tighter, and tighter until snap. Your thighs trembled violently and your throat felt hoarse from how much you were screaming, despite your climax, Ellie was still between your legs and the sensation was becoming a bit too much.

You tried to close your close but a veiny hand gripped your thigh, forcing you open once again. You peered down into her jade eyes, her pupils were blown so wide that they looked almost entirely black and a slight shiver ran through your body, a good shiver. They were demanding and bordering hungry.

Before you knew it her mouth was back in you, sucking and lapping up everything you would give her. It’s when her tongue slipped into you that you started to feel fucking delirious. Sobs and moans of her name tumbled out of you as your hold on her hair tightened and you were nearly riding her face.

“Ellie..fuck, please so close, ‘s close ‘s—“

Your eyebrows knitted together and a silent moan escaped you as you gushed on her face and she finally pulled away from you, giving both of you a chance to catch your breath.

“Holy shit.” She breathed out, wiping the bottom of her freckled face with the back of her hand. That hungry look at disappeared and the familiar love drunk one had replaced it.

“I should be saying that.” You said airily.

She smiled, “You taste really fucking good, y’know that?”

You shook your head bashfully and she stood up, her knees aching from kneeling so long and sat next to you before pulling you in for a short but deep kiss, allowing you to taste yourself on her tongue.

“Now you do.”

You smiled and it melted her soul just a teensy bit, but she could get sappy about it later. Right now? She needed to fuck you so good you’d laugh whenever you thought about your past lovers in comparison to her.

“Can you lay down for me, bug?” She asked, so sweetly you almost forgot she basically sent you to heaven just a few minutes prior.

She stood up to remove her shirt and briefs and allow you to remove your shirt and get comfortable on the couch. She slid between your legs, hoisting one of them over her shoulder as she aligned her hips with yours.

“Tell me if it‘s too much, alright?”

You nodded and she lowered herself onto you, her lean thighs keeping her upright as she agonizingly slowly rocked against you. You whined at her pace and she tutted.

“Come on, pretty, use your words.” She said, smirking lazily down at you.

“Need you to go faster.” You begged.

She nodded, speeding up her pace and drawing out a high-pitched whimper from you. Her eyes were practically fixed on your chest as she watched them bounce and sway with each movement. One of her hands came down to toy with your nipple while the other one held your leg steady so she could grind relentlessly against your clit.

The movements had started unsteady but as the two of you found a rhythm that was pleasurable to both of you, even Ellie couldn’t hold back the raspy moans and groans, not to mention her finger on your nipple which made your already sopping cunt gush even more, giving her the ability to glide across you back and forth.

Your hips bucked against her avidly and her eyes rolled back into her head as chants of your name fell from her lips over and over again.

“So good ★, feel ‘s good.” She rasped.

You froze beneath her as your third orgasm of the night slammed through you and your body practically went limp. Ellie followed soon after, the sight of you fucked out was better than anything her imagination could’ve stirred up and she couldn’t help but wonder how your face would look with her strap buried between you, as well as how it was a more beautiful sight than she’d ever seen with Cat or any other girl she’d been with and that was what had her reeling over the edge, creaming all over your cunt as she tremored vigorously. She collapsed onto top of you, her tattooed arm keeping her up right so she didn’t crush you as she placed open mouth kisses along your jaw, drinking in the soft giggled you gave in return.

Finally, she peeled away from you, allowing herself to catch her breath before trudging to your tiny kitchen to grab a damp rag and a glass of water, she came back and held the glass to your lips encouraging you to drink it all before setting the empty cup on the table to wipe your legs down gently.

You jumped slightly when the rag grazed your puffy clit and she mumbled out a “Sorry, bug.” before grabbing your wrist and placing a sweet kiss on it.

“So,” you sighed tiredly, “are we..”

She chuckled, “Are we…what?”

“Girlfriends..?”

She frowned and shook her head, “Oh..no.”

Your heart fell right into the deepest darkest depths of your soul. Was this just a one-time thing? Had all the things she said earlier not been true? Were you—

“I don’t have a ring yet, but I’m sure nobody would care if I start calling you my wife already.”

You rolled your eyes, shoving her softly to which she laughed.

“You have seriously got to work on your timing.”

“I know, I know…but it’s charming right?”

“Fuck you.”

“You just did.”

You let out an exasperated groan but you couldn’t help the smile that crept onto your face at the sound of her laughter and her hands snaking around you to pull you into her.

And in that moment, regardless of her past with Cat and others, her past with you, the hurtful things said and less than admirable actions she’d done, she knew that you were in fact, the perfect one for her.

bonus! (^з^)-☆

“I’m telling you, these are the best milkshakes in the state.” Ellie boasted.

Jesse shook his head, “No, ★ this summer I am taking you to The Cinnamon Angel back in Seattle, Ellie doesn’t know what the hell she’s talking about.”

Ellie scoffed, using the arm currently wrapped around your shoulder to point an accusing finger at him, “Dude, you don’t know what you’re talking about. The Cinnamon Angel can’t even…“

Ellie’s voice drowned out when Dina rolled her eyes from across you and leaned across the booth to chat with you over Ellie’s and Jesse’s bickering.

“This isn’t what I was expecting when I suggested a double date.” She sighed sarcastically.

You giggled, “I had a feeling it was going to be like this.”

The four of you were squeezed into a tiny booth at the back of Ellie’s favourite diner, bickering bonding over salty fries and frothy milkshakes. You hadn’t talked much to Dina despite her being your girlfriend's close friend and your close friend's girlfriend, which you regret because she was so sweet and funny.

Ellie threw her arms back with a huff, officially exasperated with Jesse, “Dina, I really don’t know how you put up with this guy, let alone date him.”

“Eh, he’s not all bad.” She smirked, nudging him with her shoulder.

You laughed but it was quick to die out when your eyes trailed over to the entrance after the familiar sound of bells signaled someone walking in.

Dark eyes fell on yours and you were met with a grim expression, Ellie followed where you were looking and the arm that was around your shoulder tightened slightly.

The raven head trekked over to your booth, greeting both you and Ellie with a tight smile.

“You two are so cute together!” She said flatly.

You grinned, ignoring the sarcasm that laced her voice “Thank you!”

“Definitely cuter than you and Ellie ever were,” Jesse mumbled into his milkshake and Dina turned her head, trying and failing to hide her laugh.

Cat rolled her eyes before pretending to drop something and bending to pick up nothing so she could whisper, “You two aren’t going to last, you’re not even her type.”

Anger bloomed through you, seriously, what the hell was this girl's damage? Before she could walk away you stuck your foot out causing her to stumble and turn around to face you, glaring daggers. Ellie must’ve heard what she’d said though, because one of her long fingers pulled the neck of your shirt back just a sliver, revealing the prominent mark she had made just a few nights prior.

Ellie’s jade eyes bored into her damn, if looks could kill.

You smiled sweetly and leaned into Ellie’s arm.“I beg to differ.”

Cat’s face reddened embarrassingly quickly and you could practically see the steam shooting out of her ears, she turned around hastily and stomped out of the diner and you’d hoped she could hear the boisterous laughter that bubbled out of each of you after the door had closed.

tagz (^з^)-☆

@blvebanisters @cassharass @pick-me-up-im-scared @skylerwhitwyo @lil-elliesgf @elsmissingfingers @herdelreydear @koremis @gold-dustwomxn @whenlostinthedarkness

[decaydanceredacted]

ugh i was looking thru the dw tag as one does and found one from spiral anon about infatuation dallon and. oh. oh my gosh.

want him to watch me through my window or from my closet, hes so close and im in danger but i don’t even know it. im all he thinks about, im on his mind 24/7, im his latest sick obsession <3 he follows me around like a lost puppy, sees me at work and out with friends and doing little errands but hes so skilled at staying away so i dont notice and worry my pretty little head about it, isnt he so sweet? <33

when he finally snaps and gets me he cant help how he acts, he feels bad afterwards about the little bruises over my skin and the way i flinch every time he moves but he couldnt help himself in the heat of the moment, couldnt help how he pinned me down to stop me squirming and used me until my entire body ached and ignored me when i cried and begged for him to stop. he holds me close, too close, arms tight around my waist and body pressed against mine. whispers that im so perfect, he’ll keep me safe, everythings okay now that hes with me. he coos at me when i finally fall asleep, asleep in his arms, how it always shouldve been.

i dont even know what to do the next day. hes gone but there’s a dent in the bed where he was and im sore all over and i dont feel safe anywhere i go but i dont know if i should say anything, but what if he comes back? what would i do then? ofc he does and it’s all a blur and im still terrified and i want it to be over but i want him to hold me at the end of it. to tell me im perfect, im his, how im safe now. but why?

yeah this was me repeating what spiral anon said in my own sick way but. i spoke the truth and nothing but the truth. spiral anon you ate and left no crumbs. sun anon out <3 - sun anon

.

[screechingzephyrr]

today i watched the first five episodes of cbs ghosts and as an avid enjoyer of bbc ghosts i decided to share my thoughts and comparisons!

so here are my thoughts… (its kinda long so beware)

Things I Liked:

-My favourite characters are Isaac and Thorfinn, because Isaac is a silly gay soldier man (can you tell i love the captain) and thorfinn is THE icon.

-My favourite parts of the episodes are when they move away from the original bbc ghosts plot and create something of their own- it makes it more enjoyable and interesting as someone who has watched each episode of ghosts so many times ive lost count.

-The characters bounce off each other quite well, there were moments, like when pete and trevor hugged each other after pushing over the pot and i was like haha nice. 👍 they feel like a group

-the show is americanised and i like that about it, it feels very different from the rest of the shows i watch (im british) so its kind of a breath of fresh air in that way

-

Things i Didnt Like (sorry :(

-The run time (20 mins) means the story is very compacted and, compared to the original, the plot is the same but feels more rushed.

-They sometimes try to have emotional moments??? but i dont feel anything. in the first episode they have one just after samantha goes to hospital and i was sat there like Ok???? It didnt have an impact bc i had only known them for 15 minutes.

—Trevors character….. i think if i saw him without watching bbc ghosts i would have felt better about him. hes a combination of julian and thomas, and he feels washed out because he has both their major traits (slutty politician + liking alison/sam) but toned down.)

Instead of a poet waxing romance and almost innocently adoring her (like thomas) he is a weird politican guy who kinda hits on her sometimes (calling her hot, wondering if they were flirting). i still think hes entertaining, i like him but when he makes comments sometimes i want to scream like someone please make this man stop. hes like julian if he had 0% slut, looked like thomas, and hit on alison.

—some ghosts i dont really see??? like sasappis and that high girl (idek her name😭) i barely see, and the greaser guy with his head chopped off ive seen twice??? they probably get more screentime later but damn where these ghosts at. i want to know more

—cbs ghosts doesnt leave any suspense to what most died of. they flat out state most of them. it leaves the suspense that came with bbc ghosts completely gone. you cant make theories bc they hand it to you on a silver platter and dont make you wait.

—jay and samathas relationship makes me want to commit a crime (in a bad way!!). jay is the worst. they were arguing in teh first three episodes. Jay didnt want to move into the house. theyre not a united front at all! hes kinda fighting with sam and mentioned multiple times about her “cute butt” which personally made me want to scream again. and they just dont have couple vibes

when they try to have moments, it’s stilted. compared to alison and mike who you can see together and who you are endeared to from the first episode, they DONT compare.

Alison sometimes borrows mikes coat in the show, and i dont get that kind of comfortable loving vibe from sam and jay. its not happening for me.

anyway sam should just divorce jay and run the bnb by herself, send post

— OKAY there was this moment where trevor raises his arms and the rest of the ghosts cringe and look away bc of his crotch. Then theres a shot where trevors crotch isnt covered by a pot or another object, its blurred out in pixels. anyway i hated it so much pls make it disappear from existence im begging

-the colour palettes are kinda jarring, its not really that cohesive

Conclusion:

I do like it and i will keep watching it for Isaac, but mostly i still think bbc ghosts is the better option so far and if you are thinking about which to watch first, you should watch the original bbc ghosts.

im gonna keep watching and I really hope this show comes into its own.

BUT saying that, im probably biased because im super attached to bbc ghosts, so go check it out for yourself! i am a simple person on the internet and you’d probably be better forming your own opinion.

i’ll probably post my complete opinion on it if i ever finish it. so. yeah.

anyway if you read this far, i love you

[waytoobsessed]

So uhhh welcome back to Little Brother Leo au! :D

I still don’t know what im doing.

First/Prev

Warnings: Injury, pain, I feel like there should be another tw but I cant remember it. No proofreading✨

✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨

“Wake him up!! We gotta get him awake!” Mikey yelped, hands going to Leos shoulders, about to shake him before Donnie slapped Mikeys hands away, wiping his tears.

“We have do to it gently, we cant risk making it worse.”

“Wake up Leo!! Wake up!!”

They couldn’t lose him after just saving him, no, they wouldn’t lose him. Donnie gently slapped Leos cheek, trying to wake up him or get a reaction… and Leos face wrinkled, turning away from him with a small grumpy noise that Donnie had missed so much.

“nooo… I don… wannaaa”

Any attempts to stop tears proved to be futile, they’d all missed him, missed his voice, his jokes, all of it… so much.

“You gotta okay? Donnie we have to get him to the med bay.”

“Right, med bay right right, brace yourself Leo, this is gonna hurt.”

Donnie wiped his tears away, although they were immediately replaces by more as he slid his arms underneath Leo and lifting, earning a scream of pain, and choked sobs from Mikey as they bolted down the hallway, heading for the med bay as fast as possible.

They placed him down and everything whirled into motion, Mikey texting everyone, Donnie grabbing bandages, disinfectant, needles, and thread, Raph keeping Leo awake.

It was overwhelming for Leo, watching all of them bolt around, and then it clicked, something was definitely off about them… were they bigger? And their voices had changed… he thinks? Leo wasn’t really sure.

“Buddy, you gotta stay awake, Leo focus on me”

“…wheeen… when’d… you guyys get…. Biggeerr..?”

“…its… its been a lo—long time since…. Since you’ve seen us buddy…”

Raphs voice was choked by sobs that he kept trying to press down, Leo’s eyes dazedly meeting Raphs, placing an arm on him with a wince. Leo’s hand looked smaller then before… had Leo shrunk or did Raph actually get bigger. How long had it been? It’d only been a few minutes… he thinks, although time did feel painstakingly slow while he was in there… but for them it had genuinely been slow. Much slower then the hours his minutes had felt like.

Pain stabbed him out of his thoughts, it was Donnie. Donnie treating his injuries with laser focus.

The room would’ve been silent if it weren’t for the muffled sobs as all of them stared at Leo… or more correctly Raph and Mikey stared at Leo while Donnie patched him up. Donnie started talking and then Mikey moved away, coming back with something in his hands that looked familiar, but everything was blurring up. Leos eyes fought to keep open, leading to Raph gently slapping Leos cheek again, trying to keep him awake. More talking, and movement. Pain. Oh what such a fond feeling /sarc

Leo screamed again, pain slamming into him as they lifting him up, he wasn’t sure what they were doing at this point, but Mikey was talking or yelling or something. It was all just a blur at this point, flurrys of pain slamming into him, Mikey trying to keep him awake, while Raph, and Donnie tried treating him. Soon enough, he couldn’t keep his eyes open much longer, no matter how hard Mikey tried.

…

Leo shifted, his whole body ached, and his head felt like it was trying to kill him from how bad it was throbbing. Apparently he had made a noise when he shifted because when he opened his eyes, he was met with three faces staring at him.

“Leo…?”

“LEO!!!”

Raph had to stop Mikey, grabbing on to him to stop him from jumping on the smaller red eared slider… and now it was apparently, watching the two wrestle in attempts to calm the very excited Mikey, the size, they had grown a lot in 10? 15? 20? However many minutes, or technically longer for them.

Leo wondered how he’d look next to them, probably small, how tall were they? How long had it been?

Unlike Raph, and Mikey, Donnie was still watching him, a hand resting on Leos arm, eyes locked on to him.

“hh…how long…?”

Quickly the sounds of wrestling stopped, replaced by Mikey being placed down and Raph shuffling over back into place, all attention on him for a few minutes as they glanced at each other.

“6 years…”

“…2372 days, 15 hours, and 27 minutes…”

“…damn clearly sss…somethings never change… rrrright?…”

“Wha?”

“Dddonnie… donniee and his cccounting… im tryinggg to be… funny guys okayyy…”

Donnie huffed, rolling his eyes as his grip tightened a little on Leos arm, making Leo wince, while Mikey rested his head as close as it could get to Leo without touching him, and Raph chuckled, placing a hand on Leo.

“Somethings never change…”

“…hhow… old..?”

“…Raphs 23, Donnies 22, Mikeys 21”

First/Prev/Next

:D

Also if the day count is incorrect no it isnt you don’t see that.

[the1975attheirverybest]

"Your favourite colour is red, because its as bright as fire and you burn similarly with passion but you never stick to just one because you think there's too much to enjoy about all colours" hands thrown up in frustration, a hint of a slur in my voice that I dont care to acknowledge while he just stands there, listening. vision blurred, the wind is cold, whipping past with a chilling sting. standing on the side of the road by his car, what are we doing here? why did i insist on getting out. I cant remember. but he just stands there, silent.

He dares to just stand there?! To just fucking stand there. Staring pitying like im some wounded fucking animal. hair windswept and eyes glassy under the moonlit sky, thousands of stars, constellations watching us, Coma Berenice, our constellation, and he says nothing, lets me scream at him, at the empty countryside. Maybe he's being kind? Gentle, maybe it's not pity, but when you spend so long without either it's impossible to distinguish between them.

"Your favourite seasons are summer and autumn, but you hate the cold in winter," pulling his jacket tighter...im wearing his jacket? when did I get this? his arms are bare, a button up shirt loose hanging off his frame, a lighter in his palm and a cig between his fingers. did we stop for a smoke break?

"your favourite time of day is dusk when you can sit outside and drown in that orange English light you always talk about instead of all those thoughts in your head" feeling my hands shake and my teeth clench, everything about this is wrong, why am I yelling at him? What did he even say in the first place? Did he say anything? did we just stop to smoke? how did we even get here. tears sting the corners of my eyes and theres an unsteadiness in my voice, a constricting in my chest and throat like i cant breathe. Was i ever able to breathe?

"You know what else I know? Your favourite guitar is the mustang because it's got an offset sound" pulling at his jacket, to try and rip it from my body despite the freezing night air, but hes quicker, silent still, his hands on my arms keeping me from pulling it off, the lighter pressed now into my forearm uncomfortably. standing there, swaying gently and its almost comforting if not for the every creeping panic of it all, the tightness in my throat only worsening until it feels as if i can barely rasp a word.

"and your favourite person…." voice small as the realisation dawns on me, trailing off and trying to pull away. its like being hit by a semi truck, that's how this feels, like running full pelt into a brick wall. The stop light never turned green and he never even spoke a word. Matty just watches, something between concern and hurt but no anger, he should be angry. I need him to be angry. to get mad and yell at me, to lash out, to be cruel, to shake me by the shoulders, to do anything, to say anything "….isn't me."

cheek pressed to his shirt, his heart beats steadily beneath skin and bone, his hand pressed to the back of my head and the other on the small of my back, shushing me. holding me close in a way i dont deserve. could never deserve.

He still says nothing.

NOOOOOO. I JUST

I will HAVE MUCH TO SAY BUT I NEED TO STOP CRYING FIRST. GUYS. MAKE HIM PAY CUZ I AM SO

hehwhwhahuwiwhsbsnwlqmabsvhwnws. Shejens

[variousqueerthings]

Heyyy bestie guess who...

I think your point about love interests is so right, there's less of a focus on how they interact because they're just friends in the later seasons, theres no winning over a nurse moment because they don't need to be won. Also I miss ginger :(

I like your idea about the names and faces mixing too, it plays into the idea of time blurring so three years plays out over 11 seasons.

His fear(?) that he's seen and done too much over his time there is also so interesting, he doesn't feel like he deserves love or affection almost. I mean this in an aro or non aro way too, im even thinking that it would be really interesting if Hawkeye realised his views and feelings about romance and romantic love while in Korea and it took a long time for him to realise that it wasnt something that the war did to him, that it was just a natural part of who he always was.

Also heres where i admit that I stopped watching around season 8 i think(?) because, as you said, of the way the show seemed to constantly punish Hawkeye and how the support he'd had from the beginning has been draining away. (with the exception of Margaret, but one person can't hold him together when he's trying to hold everyone else) I do plan on finishing but i just got away from a similar problem and I don't want to watch it happen when I haven't talked it out properly first lol.

Also all of his lighter moments in the later seasons, especially the ones you mentioned, lack the sort of catharsis he really needs. They're all still about what he does for others, i cant speak on it until i watch them of course bit there seems to be much less gestures and acts of kindness for him.

Okay last points! I really feel like its too late to start censoring fuck my dude, that ship has sailed. I plan on saying more about your last response but its such a beast that im leaving it for my train ride tomorrow where I'll hopefully be able to put it together<3

-majoranon

I hope your train ride is good!

I am personally a glutton for pain (yes I'll leave that phrasing as it is), so I don't mind seeing him upset and worn down 😈

but I definitely feel like he's not given so much softness -- and the turning point was around season 8 I think, because I literally documented Moments between him and BJ and Margaret in s7 (+ season 8 was when Radar left and Period of Adjustment happened and Preventative Medicine was near the end of s7....), and I guess it's because he's increasingly Keeper Of Narrative Themes (vs other characters who carry mainly themes related to themselves and their personal journeys), which puts him in a slightly disconnected space -- the Narrator, Mad Max, Puck, (my flatmate was like "Horatio is also depressed and gay and tells the narrative" and they're not wrong) etc.... so even when he's having fun with the others, or having a moment where he's been relinquished for a second from Narrative Themes to be in the ensemble it feels to me watching like he's on a leash (no I won't change that phrasing either) -- he's still in the prison of the story, it's just giving him a bit of enrichment here and there, but less and less as we careen towards The End

also about aromanticism (forgive me if you already know + you know... things Many Queer People Feel For Similar Reasons) is that it's framed as brokenness by wider society. Romantic Love is the highest form of connection between people and so not being drawn towards this idea is an indication of something being wrong with you and a lot of aro people internalise that

and so the idea that Hawkeye can't disconnect his "incorrect feelings" from war trauma + his thematic role in the Story in which he's being increasingly separated narratively from the others... *charlie day meme*

all of this to say, yeah yeah "communal sub sounds sexual and also that," but mainly I think if someone cradled the back of his head while they gave him a really big hug (kinda like in s7 "Ain't Love Grand"), it might break me (and also him) and that I will on my rewatch document when we've had a moment like in "Peace On Us" where for a second Hawkeye is protected from the violence of the role he plays by the whole camp throwing him a party

(also that Stars and Stripes + Bottle Fatigue + Heal Thyself + Dreams were s8 and I don't know what I'm trying to say there but it certainly makes me stare at a wall)

(also this isn't to say that other characters aren't also occasionally doing their turn as Keepers of Themes or even that Hawkeye-centric episodes tend to be that, so much as when there's ensemble work happening he's increasingly given the War Is Hell perspective)

[thoughts-and-all-that]

you gave me the best weekend of my life, you know.

my dad was going on a business trip in a state that was right next to yours, though i remember it still took you guys 5 hours to drive to the city, and 9 hours for me and my family. isnt it crazy how big this country is? we arent even on the larger half of it, either.

when i first saw you, i was scared. i was paranoid and young, and you were the first person from online i had ever met in person, despite my years of befriending people online. im glad it was you. it couldnt have ever been anyone else.

i was scared maybe i was lied to, that somehow it wasnt you, but i knew it was. i was a scared mentally ill kid and i was in the beginnings of something we both know got worse, and ill never stop being sorry for how i treated you when it did. you never deserved that, and it was never your fault. i shouldnt have done what i did, i shouldnt have.

i remember that first while was awkward, but itd be weird if it wasnt, right?

our first stop had to have been the bird sanctuary, i believe. so many birds of all kinds, and there was even bats! both of our favorite animals in one building, though i dont think the specific breeds we loved. that was okay. it was my first and only time seeing my favorite animal in person, it was amazing.

i remember there was a flying simulator in there, a both high budget and low budget game, if that makes sense. i mean, we had to lay on a t shaped person sized controller, which was wild! but the actual graphics of the cityscape we were meant to fly through were low quality. it was amazing. i remember you crashed, but i didnt. ive always dreamt of being able to fly.

and i remember that the penguin habitat had a dome in the middle that people could climb through a small tunnel into, and we were in there together, and looking at the penguins.

it mustve been that night that you came back to my hotel room, and we watched my favorite show on the couch, using my much too expensive laptop. i remember the deal we made that i didnt keep up my end of, where we watched eachothers favorite shows. im sorry i didnt like yours. i was glad you loved mine.

i dont remember if we saw eachother for most of the next day, i hope we did. the timeline blurs for me, but thats okay, because the timeline isnt what matters.

the boat ride matters. i know i wasnt originally meant to go on it with you guys, but i hope you think of it fondly like i do regardless.

i didnt like really any of the food they put in front of us, but thats not new for me. it only mattered in that single moment when it happened. when dinner was over and everyone was free to go about the boat, we mustve seen so much of it.

your mom and my mom were talking the whole time, trying to keep an eye on us, and taking pictures of us. i hope my mom enjoyed the boat ride, she didnt get to have many experiences like that the last few years of her life. i hate that that only happened 3 years before she died, and its been almost 6 years for me. time is a curse.

we kept trying to avoid them at the time, of course. we were teenagers on a trip away from our homes on a boat ride together down a river, we didnt want our moms watching us. we had to keep traveling about until they finally stopped watching, and it led us to sitting on the top deck, staring off of into the beautiful night lights of that mountain city.

i even remember that at some point the announcer pointed out an abandoned asylum against the river, and we thought it was one that was featured on our favorite ghost hunting show, though i now believe that it wasnt, as when i tried to find it later, i couldnt find that episode. i love the excitement we had, though.

we talked so much, in our special way. i remember i even asked you such a silly question, if people could walk on water when time is stopped. they definitely cant, but we made a whole thing of it.

we even kissed a few times.

at some point we traveled back to the main hall, and it was empty except for the guy in charge of the music. we cuddled together on a seat against the window, watching the city go by. i remember i had you ask if he had any songs from one of my favorite artists, though he only had her most popular song, which i guess makes sense.

i dont think my mom wouldve been upset if she had seen us, but i know your mom wouldve been. does she still not know youre queer? she doesnt need to know, anyway.

you had to go back home after that night, and thats okay. i missed you so much when you did, and all i did for the remainder of the trip was sit in my hotel room and play on my laptop.

maybe its simple looking back, maybe youve had better times since, but for me it was everything. it still is, but only because ive never had better.

i still think of you when i hear breakup songs and think of relationships, even though we never dated. never the angry ones, i promise.

i know youve moved on, and im glad you have. youve been with him for a while, and i hope that means he treats you well. you deserve to be treated well.

i havent moved on because ive been stuck in the past in so many ways for years. when you started talking to me again a few months ago, it drove me insane for the first few weeks, but ive gotten better since. ive been dealing with my past a lot lately, trying to heal.

not heal from you, of course. you never did really anything to hurt me, it was all me. there was only one thing you ever said, but it was my fault it even came up. i know you dont even feel that way anymore.

i feel bad for my future partners, i wonder if they can even top that, honestly. i hope they do, because it would be weird if i constantly compared them to a relationship i had when i was a teenager, but i just wonder. i also dont want to have peaked back then.

but really, regardless of all of that, im glad it happened. ive had good memories and ive had tons of bad, but you gave me my best. youre the person ive been closest to in my life, ever. we arent close anymore, and we never can be again the way we used to be, but thats okay. as long as youre happy, thats okay. i hope i can be happy too.

thank you. for everything.

[kelsomiserable]

drinking clamato because it’s basically tomato soup and im hungry. i fucking love tomatoes.

i know that I am a waste. where would I fit in? even good things good to waste sometimes, except not just sometime. good things go to waste all the time. I often stop and question if I should throw away good food in the face of starving people, but I have to. It’s required of me. I dream about a different place where I can be more human, but im not there.

I see those funny videos of people before they die by their own hand, at their last birthday usually. they look like me. nobody takes those videos of me and one day all the will have is a memory, no video- Of that Look. I suppose at this point, it is just my face.

Sometime when people speak to me- I have no idea what they are saying. I guess they are saying words that add up to sentences, but I always feel confused. I know I know english but I am not often met with sentences, I think I do better when people just speak words at me.

Because I am a dog, a waste. Try to say something kind and I wont exactly respond, I wont exactly understand you. after a moment of taking in the stimuli my head will feel like a blur and ill wonder what you said, what I responded- I will not be able to be sure of these sure things, and will question what just happened, if anything happened at all.

Natural selection doesnt exist here- this is a subject I think of often- but if it did exist, I would not exist. I cant say for sure that my bloodline does not deserve life, but Im pretty sure we are all suppose to be dead. Not dead, but never born. Because I was bred to be dysfunctional, like my mother and father, I cant live my life. I can “live” but no, not for long.

[r0mantic-h0micide]

sometimes, i miss it. i miss the feeling of not feeling. the feeling of being completely numb to everything.

maybe im romanticizing the feeling a little because its been so long since i felt that way. some of my feelings never came back- or were never there in the first place. my disregard for death is probably something i should be concerned about but i cant bring myself to care.

right after my abuser left, i was more than heartbroken. my world was over. i was planning on spending the rest of my life with that person. i had no world outside of him. and as time went on, my bruises healed and the cuts turned into scars that blend in so well with the stretch marks across my body, i went numb to everything that wasn't physical. i was gone. somewhere far away, deep below the surface of myself. i dont remember a lot of what happened in the few months between him and the man who groomed me. the days were a blur. truly, i was gone.

and sometimes i just miss that. the simplicity of not feeling anything. of letting go and not caring one way or the other. no more crying, pleading, aching. thinking about it makes me want to drift away into nothingness and just let it all go. it would be so easy. its always there- that switch in the back of my mind that makes everything turn off and go blank. i wish i could let myself let it go.

but thats how i became involved with zachariah. and i know it would be so easy for me to find someone new that was just like him. and who knows if i would have the self control to stop this time? i cant say with any amount of confidence that i wouldnt end up dead. the indifference i feel in regard to that statement is a little concerning, but there's a part of me that wants to believe i have something to live for, so i guess im safe. at least for now.

[cigaretterry]

ran into the guy i was fucking a couple months ago on the street today lol. it was very strange. it was never anything deep between us, but i still cant stop thinking abt it now and its put me in an extremely weird mood.

[bbybaku]

cranky no nut november boyfriend shigaraki

yes i know its july. 

1.8 k words 

slow burn but there is smut 

warnings: angry shig, humiliation, degrading, oral (fem recieving), use of vibrator, shoes on bed, angst, fluff, mentions of masturbtion

your boyfriend, tomura shigaraki, had made a bet with his friends, about who could last the longest during no nut november.

you thought a month wouldn’t be that bad, right? you guys could handle it.

the first few days were nothing. you two were busy and didnt think that much of it. 

but the first weekend shiggy had invited you over to watch a movie. which was usually code for “let’s fuck”

you went over to his apartment, about 20 minutes into the movie you slipped your hand under the blanket, feeling around for his cock.

“hey” he said softly but irritated as he picked up your hand and moved it.

“what? we always-“ you asked

“i’m taking this month seriously, i can eat you out or something but we cant, you cant” he said

 you were not expecting him to take it this seriously.

you knew your boyfriend he never took anything seriously? why did he have to take this stupid month seriously.

“well, do you want?” he asked as he ran his fingers over your clothed clit.

“no let’s just hang out tonight” you said.

“okay” he said then kissed you on the head and pulled you into his lap.

you could feel his erection. but you knew you had to ignore it. 

week 2 was easy because shigaraki was out of town for a work trip.

you didn’t know how he was doing it. no sex was one thing, but not even masturbating?

you had been touching yourself every day to the thought of him, the pictures you had of him and sometimes 

the movies you had made together.

the night he got back he came straight to your apartment.

he looked pale.

you went in for a hug, but he pushed you away.

“no” he snapped “ i just wanted to see you”

you gulped “oh okay”

you cooked dinner and he told you about the trip.

the space between your thighs ached the entire evening.

you asked him to stay the night but he said he no.

and he left. 

it was day 15. you needed him. your hand could only do so much. you couldnt do what he could do. he knew your body better than you did. 

you texted him to hang out. 

the two of you got coffee then made out in the car. 

his mouth tasted so good. your body presses against the console, arms around his neck. the kiss starting equal but he very quickly shoved his tongue in your mouth. he took your jaw in his hand and held your face while his tongue circled yours. you sucked on his bottom lip. his hand found your tit. your hand found his crotch. 

shigaraki instantly pulled away, he was pissed “how many fucking times do i have to tell you no?” 

you sighed “im sorry i just-” 

he pushed his hair out of his face and took your jaw in his hand again. “look at me. i want to be inside of you so bad. i think about you all the time. i love you so much but we just cant right now.”

 his tone made you want him even more. it was embarrassing how hot you got  when he was irritated. and he knew it. 

“i hate this stupid challenge” you said through his grip on your jaw. 

“do you want to be like that?”  he talked down to you with a smirk.

“we can always go back to my apartment, and work on your attitude” he said letting go of your face and grabbing the gear shift. 

you had soaked through your panties a while ago. you were excited but knew you wouldnt be filled up the way you wanted to be. 

the drive to shiggys apartment was agonizing. the sexual tension was higher now than it was on your first date. it felt like you were getting stopped at every red light, the car in front of you was always going slow. and both of you were sweating. 

he had one hand rubbing your thigh and the other on the steering wheel, except at stops when he would run it through his shaggy hair. when he finally got to his apartment complex the two of you practically sprinted inside. 

“elevator?” you asked pressing the up button repeatedly. 

he took his hands out of his pockets and said “stairs” 

the two of you raced up to the fourth floor, you beat him but just barely. once both of you were in the hallway he picked you up and slung you over his shoulder.

once in his apartment he didnt even turn the lights on, he took you to his bed and threw you on it. 

he stood over you and sighed. “its your lucky day” he then pushed you up to the headboard and pulled off your panties. so eager, you were both still wearing shoes and the window was open. 

you shivered at the cold air on your exposed heat. 

shigaraki just stared for a minute. he loved vulnerability. 

he loved having you at his mercy. 

he pushed your skirt up and grabbed onto your thighs. 

“i knew you would be soaked.” he shook his head “such a whore” he said.

and just like that he dove right in.  

he licked up your folds and you bucked your hips to meet him. 

his grip on your thighs tightened and he pushed you into the bed.

“dont move” he met your eyes when he said it.

he started sucking hickies on your inner thighs, his fingers teasing at your clit. 

you held his head in your hands, not directing him, but rubbing his scalp. 

he occasionally hummed into your thighs at the feeling. 

he pulled off of your inner thigh and brought his mouth and nose to your entrance. you whimpered, expecting him to relieve your ache. 

he blew cold air on your exposed heat. 

you cried out. 

and shigaraki crawled up to meet you at eye level. 

he straddled you and leaned down “beg.” he whispered 

“please” you whispered

“i dont get anything for this. why should i be nice if i dont get the reward of your tight little pussy? or getting to fuck your pretty face. make it worth my while. give me this one little thing.  i said to beg like the whore you are.” 

you gulped. “please tomura. i touch myself to the thought of you every day and nothing satisfies me like you do. i just want you. i want you to fill me up and please let me come. please sir.” 

“hmm okay, i guess but its embarrassing that you touch yourself so much, you really are a whore.” he said as he repositioned his mouth at your entrance. 

he once again pinned your hips to the bed and brough his mouth to your entrance.

his long slender fingers ran through your folds a few times before stopping at your clit and rubbing circles. 

you moaned in pleasure, finally. shigaraki was relieving your ache. 

he sucked on your entrance and drank your juice like it was water from the tap. you could feel his tongue at your entrance, he tease then run his tongue through your folds. 

your entire body was shaking and the knot in your stomach was about to release. 

“please i - can i please” you whined. 

shikaraki hummed yes into you, his grip on your thighs tightening 

the hum was what sent your over the edge, your walls tightening and releasing around shigarakis mouth. 

he pulled off for a moment and looked at you “that was fast. youre so easy, y/n, you know that?” 

and at that he went right back to what he was doing, only this time it was his finger. at your entrace and his tongue on your clit. 

his tongue going all around and eventually stopping and making out with your bud. 

you were crying at the pleasure. 

his long fingers going in and out, and in and out. at no particular speed or regularity and occasionally stoping to curl inside you. 

your hands went to shiggys hair, but you couldnt control yourself the way you had earlier. your hands were shaking as the held onto his head.

you came again, it was so fast you didn’t even have the time to ask.

you could feel him smiling on you.

shigaraki pinched your thigh, acknowledging your high, but showed no sign of stopping.

he maneuvered a little bit, grabbing something under the bed while still fingering you. 

if you thought you were a mess before, you were wrong. because you were even more of a mess when shigaraki started rubbing around your clit with a vibrator. 

your back arched and you grabbed onto the sheets, so as not to pull on shiggys hair, “pleASE. m-gonna c--um” you barely got out. 

your lower body convulsing. 

tears started streaming down your face, it hurt so good. “dont cum yet, baby. i want you to wait this time. like i have to wait.” 

“no-oh-oh-o” you sobbed 

shigaraki mustve been getting irritated because his grip on you tightened, and he pinched your inner thigh. 

“please” you whimpered, running your fingers through his hair as gently as you could. 

“no” he said sweetly. 

your vision was starting to blur and you were still crying, “isnt this what you wanted darling?” shigaraki asked. 

you only sobbed in response, you were loosing the ability to form coherent sentences. 

the knot in your stomach released without warning, and you came on shigaraki’s vibrator. 

with that he sighed and stood up, going to the bathroom to help you clean up. 

despite your scattered brain, you knew your boyfriend well enough to know that he was in agony. 

“does it hurt?” you asked him between deep breaths. 

refering to how bad he wanted you, and how hard he was in his pants. 

he waled back in with a towel and said “yes” looking down at the ground. 

“well what if we” you started. 

“no, im tired of having to explain this to you.”

“please, i just want you so bad” you begged as he climbed on top pf you.

“i said no! just fucking shut up” he snapped

“why?" you whinned

he found your wrists and pinned your hands beside your head on the bed. 

“everyone gets a different penalty. do you know what mine is if i fail? huh? do you want to know”

"um i-” 

you went to speak but no words came out. 

shigaraki leaned down “my penalty is to send the group chat a video of us having sex” 

“oh” you said feeling yourself blush

he gulped and looked away “which i really dont want to do because you are mine.”

he released your wrists and fell on top of you, “youre all mine” 

“please just wait 2 more weeks” he whispered into your neck. 

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