#and i know i probably sound like a snowflake bc im like ‘awh life is hard’
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#this one’s gonna be quite depressing lmao so read on at your own risk if anyone is even reading this part there’s your warning#once i conquer my crippling fear of the afterlife/nonexistence/possibly ‘burning eternally in hell’ its over for me#like a solid 4 things are stopping me from doing the Seriously Bad thing#1. the aforementioned fear of ‘what the fuck would happen next’#2. the sadness my friends & family would experience esp. bc my cousin did That in 2017 and i just couldn’t do that to them#3. thinking about who would find me and then them going thru my stuff is so fucking sad dude i fucking couldn’t#3a. oh my god my fucking cat ok ahh fuck. fuck i’ll stay for jasper i gotta do it for jasper#4. deep down i want to live and create a beautiful life for myself but i just dont think i’m capable of doing it#i know so many people have gone through much worse and are less fortunate in many ways. i do understand that#some people are good at handling a lot of stuff and other people have a hard time handling less stuff. its their own personal capability#i just dont think i’m capable of dealing with my past trauma while also trying to become an adult and shit#and i know i probably sound like a snowflake bc im like ‘awh life is hard’#i know life isnt fair to most ppl and that they gotta accept that and deal with it#but im like! dude ! wow haha!#i know life is a gift and existence is totally fucking cool like i appreciate that i am cognizant and i can do crazy shit a worm cant do#i rly do think life is beautiful if you know where to look & how to truly appreciate it. being a living breathing human being is profound#i’m just? so stuck and i feel like if i dont get unstuck soon i’m gonna be that 29 year old at a party full of ppl under 20 yanno?#very scared of ‘wasting’ my life and these are the pivotal years where one decision can literally change the course of the rest of my life#technically all of ur choices have the potential to do that but at this age youre making a Lot of big important decisions and idk#TL;DR i complain abt wanting to kill myself but being a pussy and then i also complain abt basic life problems bc once again i’m a pussy#wait no i’ll end with some comedy: if the human race is gonna wipe itself out soonish or a natural disaster strikes yanno what have you...#i would like to be gone before that bc maybe i’ll get a slightly less shitty spot in the afterlife (whatever that is)#it might be like a first come first serve kind of arrangement who knows#also i wrote this all out before the whole revisiting my bad trip thing there was no influence or correlation i was just sad & queued this
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