#this one’s gonna be quite depressing lmao so read on at your own risk if anyone is even reading this part there’s your warning

[jxmbi]

⠀

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #424

“got no superspeed, but i’m running this town”

What is the first line in the song you are currently listening to/last listened to? "I’m running out of time; I hope that I can save you somehow.” Are you an easy lay? Not in the slightest. What was the last reason you cried? Life and how inexplicably I'm failing at it. What’s hurting you right now? More like what isn't. Do you remember important dates? Only some. I'm awful with numbers. Do you own anything with the Playboy Bunny on it? No. Do you own a bean bag chair? No. Have you ever played Gamecube? At a friend's house. Have you ever played with toy cars before? Yeah, with my nephew. He LOVES monster trucks. Have you ever touched a caterpillar? Oh, definitely. I loved picking them up as a kid. What is your favorite kind of salad? Just plain 'ole iceberg lettuce with ranch, really. Are you any good at Ping-Pong? Holy hell no, I SUCK. What was/is your high school mascot? A firebird. Can you make cute little animals by folding paper? God no, I'm awful at origami. Like, I have zero concept of how to do it. What kind of music do you like? Various types of metal and rock. Do you like apple juice? Yeah. Do you like to draw? It's funny, like I do love it, but I barely ever do it because I get frustrated when I can't get what's in my head onto paper. What do you put on your french fries? Generally ketchup. How many people can comfortably sleep in your bed? Two. Do you want to have a big family in the future? I don't want kids, just pets. Probably a lot of pets. Is Vegas one of your must-see places? No. Pet rat: yay or nay? I've had multiple pet rats and I adore them. I've come to find I'm not the best at keeping rodents because changing the bedding so much sucks ass, but nevertheless they are fantastic pets for people who don't mind the maintenance. Would you call yourself a writer? Written any stories lately? Yes. I haven't written in a while, though. I just have absolutely zero motivation to RP. Are you good at reading people's body language? I probably overanalyze it, really. Ever threatened somebody and actually went through with it? I don’t threaten people. Does holding newborn babies scare you? Extremely. I feel like they're made of thin glass. Piercings: yay or nay? I LOVE piercings. They add an interesting touch to your appearance and to me just (usually) look super cool. There are very few piercings I don't like. Do you have a collage of pictures in your bedroom? No, but I want to make a motivation board very badly. Favorite Nicholas Cage movie? Ghost Rider. Were video games better in the 1980s, 1990s, or the 2000s? Why? '80s games bore me honestly, but I love some '90s and many 2000s games. I've got to say ultimately newer games win, because of graphics increasing immersion (no, I do not whatsoever believe graphics are everything or always make a better experience), voice acting improving immensely, etc. Have you ever watched The Beverly Hillbillies? Yes! Mom loves it so I used to watch it a lot with her as a kid. I'd still watch it. Did your mother ever sing lullabies to you when you were younger? Yes. Are you ready to get out of this town? I HATE THIS TOOOWN, IT'S SO WASHED UUU-UP, AND ALL MY FRIENDS DON'T GIVE A FUUU-UUUUUCK god hell yes get me the fuck out. Do you know anybody that is pregnant right now? Quite a few. What are you listening to? "Superluv” by Shane Dawson. Have you ever gotten a speeding ticket? No. Does your father have any facial hair? Yes. Did your grandparents teach you anything? My maternal grandmother, the only one I really ever knew, taught me I'm a disappointment, pretty much. And a bitch. Do you want/have a Bachelor’s degree? It'd be nice to have one, but I don't, and I'm not pursuing it again. I've wasted enough of my parents' money. Are you into superheroes? Who’s your favourite? Not seriously, but I enjoy them well enough. I like Spider-Man. What did you have for dinner last night? Mom ordered Mexican. I had two shrimp and cheese quesadillas and rice with cheese. Do you think you look similar to your siblings? No. Have you ever played Cards Against Humanity? Did you like it? Yeah, it's fun. Do you know your best friend’s middle name? Yes. Are you close to your father? I am. Have you ever had a serious conversation with your dad? Yeah. Would you rather have long or short hair? I enjoy having short hair way more. Who did you go/plan on going with to prom? I went with Jason twice. Have you ever been to a debate and speech tournament? Hell no, and I never would. Arguing makes me cry lmao. Are you someone who enjoys stand-up comedy? Yep. What’s one thing that scares you about living alone and being independent? A lot of things do, but one thing in specific that I fear is that I let the house become cluttered and messy. I'm so shit at cleaning, especially when I'm depressed. It's why my own bedroom isn't even fully decorated, and we've lived here since I wanna say last November. If someone offered you an all-expenses paid trip to one European country, where would you go and why? Germany, 'cuz I enjoy the culture and would love to try some foods and visit places. Have you ever won anything on the lottery? No. Are you interested in the World Cup? I couldn't possibly care less. What’s the longest time you’ve ever been on a plane for? Idk. Do you let your hair dry naturally or do you towel-dry it or blow dry it? I use a towel to dry it some, then let it really get the job done naturally. How many of the Harry Potter books have you read? None. Who last gave you their number? When I posted on Facebook about going on a mental health hiatus, my good friend Alon messaged me her number if I ever needed to talk. I was really thankful. Are you often the last one to understand a joke? Honestly yeah. I'm slow to grasp a lot of things. Your first black eye: Did you give it or get it? Never gotten or given one. Have you ever slept in a tent, indoors or out? Yes to both. Are you mad right now? I'm annoyed, but not mad. Are you allergic to nuts or dairy products? No. Has anyone ever called the cops on you? No. Do you ever actually drink milk alone? Yeah, I love milk. Do you have a sensitive gag reflex? It is EXTREMELY sensitive. What was the last situation to upset you? I'd rather not talk about it. Have you ever had an online argument? I have been heavily active on the Internet since I was like, 11. Maybe younger. I have been in plenty. Are you at risk for any medical issues? A lot of heart problems run in my family. I'm also suspicious I may develop diabetes, which also runs very heavily in my family. What were you doing at 7:00 a.m.? Surprisingly, I was asleep. Do you own a robe? No. What would you consider your life to be? A wreck. What is your favorite mark of punctuation? I like question marks. Who knows your biggest secret? Nobody. Do you think anyone has feelings for you? Probably not. How do you know? I just doubt it. I'm so unlikable right now. Could you go a day without eating? I don't think I could. I do not react to stomach pain well, and that includes when I'm hungry. How many bracelets do you have on your wrists right now? None. What’s your favorite drink? Strawberry Sunkist, but I don't allow myself to have it. I will DESTROY a can or five of it. Who was the last person that texted you? My mom. What are you craving? Nothing really right now. What was the first thing you ate today? An everything bagel. What was the last type of meat you ate? Pork. Have you taken any medication today? Yeah, I take some prescription meds in the morning and at night. Have you ever been to Hawaii? No, but that'd be cool. Do you know anyone who has diabetes? My mom, for one. Have you ever made a boy cry? Sadly. Who are you talking to? Nobody. Do you think you’ve ruined your chances with someone? Absolutely. Your parents split; would you want to live with your mom or dad? My parents are divorced, and I stayed with Mom. Would you strongly prefer to go out with someone of your own skin color/racial background? I couldn't care less. For you personally, is abortion an option in case of an accidental pregnancy? For others, absolutely. It's your right. For me myself, it's possible, idk. If I was God forbid raped, I probably would have an abortion. If I accidentally got pregnant in a healthy relationship, I'd probably have a "too bad, so sad" outlook where I'd suck it up and go through with the gestation because having sex and risking pregnancy was my own decision. Even if I'm pro-choice, I think I'd feel too guilty aborting, especially with the child being someone's I love. Is it a requirement that you communicate every day with your significant other (via phone, text, in person, whatever)? IF I had an s/o, no. I like to, but sometimes you just want space. Are you fetish-friendly? I'm not gonna lie, some fetishes are just too fucking weird for me. I TRY not to judge, because I doubt you can actually help fetishes, but I inevitably do sometimes. If you're asking would I engage in fetishes because my s/o liked them, possibly, but it would really depend on what it is. Have you ever cosplayed? No. I think cosplay is really cool, though. Do you support the exploration of outer space? If yes, would you consider taking a trip into space, or even to another planet? As creatures who crave knowledge and understanding of our universe, I do support space exploration, but I do NOT believe we should be spending as much money as we do on it. Taking care of the planet we're actually on is far more important imo. I wouldn't personally go to outer space. Is it okay for men to wear makeup? What’s your opinion of male crossdressers? It's totally okay! Guys with makeup can be super attractive. Crossdressers, too. Go for it. You’re in a new relationship and your partner admits that they have had 14 sexual partners. Does that sound like a lot to you? For me personally, yes. I don't even know if I'd date someone with 14 past sexual partners, honestly. I would admittedly question their loyalty. Would you let your children under 13 watch movies with full nudity? No. If someone asked you, “What’s the worst thing you’ve ever done?” would you know the answer right away? I would. What is your opinion concerning strip clubs? Not my scene at all, but so long as you respect the dancers, whatever. You do you.

[soundofseventeen]

The Great Escape (Joshua Hong)

My longest fic to date and it had to be the boy I can’t stand lmao and predebut at that. I own nothing! -Bee

Word count: ~7000

Based on: The Great Escape, his audition

Joshua smiled at your annoyed ranting, clearly finding humor in the day’s escapade that set you off all while enjoying the popcorn you managed to snag for him after your shift at the theater. While he couldn’t decipher if your groans were louder than the LA traffic, Joshua found amusement in the way you got everything out of your system. 

“Well, I’m glad you’re finding this funny. If I wanted to work with animals, I would’ve applied at the zoo.” You wrinkled your nose. “And please step a little bit away from me. No offense, but you smell.”

At that, your best friend shoved his hand into the bag, threw the kernels at you, and proceeded to rub his greasy uniform on yours, which elicited a smile and a squeal of protest from you. “Find me a better job than McDonald’s and then I can stop.”

“But that involves work.”

“Would you rather have me smell like deep-fried oil the rest of my life?”

“It’s better than picking up after people...don’t look at me like that; you’re supposed to feel sorry for me, not the other way around.” You held your hand out and he readily shrugged out of his backpack, digging through his homework and other school paraphernalia until he found his water bottle and tossed it to you, all while grumbling how you had no respect for him, so you squirted it at him and walked in front of him, which made him indirect you louder.

“What? Is there something you wanna tell me?!”

“No, nothing at all.”

“I don’t wanna go home yet. Can we go have dinner and then go? It’s the same routine day in and day out.”

Joshua smiled at you again, though the setting sun made it a little hard to see it. “And where does Your Highness wanna go? We are broke teenagers who can barely afford a meal even with these jobs.”

You grabbed his wrist, ready to cut through an alleyway in search of food. “Leave that to me.”

*

Joshua’s most annoying habit wasn’t that he chewed loudly or that he was rude to the waitstaff (but any of those would’ve been if he had them), but rather how he savored his food. It didn’t matter if he was on the brink of starvation or had somewhere else to be in 10 minutes, he enjoyed his meal and no one could rush him to finish it. He made small talk here and there but preferred to keep quiet, and from past experiences, you knew the frustration whenever he’d say he had something to tell you. 

You watched him delicately twirl the spaghetti around his fork and bringing it to his lips, blowing on the noodles before biting into it and then wiping the nonexistent marinara sauce that had been leftover, and repeating the process. Your fries were long gone and instead of starting on the chicken tenders in front of you, you were equal parts amused and exasperated at how slowly he was eating. 

“I’m gonna be celebrating my birthday here by the time you’re done,” you joked.

“Don’t worry about me; worry about your food. Who’s the one who gets mad if it’s not warm?” Ever so slowly, he reached for his soda, almost dropping it from the condensation on the cup, and sipped it, all while not breaking eye contact with you as if daring you to fire back a retort. Being at a loss for words, you scowled at him and choosing to eat while it was indeed warm.

The quiet of the evening soon became a bit too rowdy to your liking when screaming fans were seated left and right. The downside of living in LA was that there was always a concert somewhere and the controlled loudness became chaotic. Tonight, it seemed that One Direction played at the Forum because that’s where most of the conversations stemmed from, ranging from tired parents listening to their children replay the night to the young adults talking about their favorite part of the concert. The various ringtones pinged left and right and it felt like you were at the front row because “OH MY GOD THEY TWEETED!!!” and tears flowed while they tried not to choke from the water to soothe their hoarse throats. 

“Are you ready to go?” Joshua asked kindly. He was nowhere near finished, but for the sake of your sanity, preferring to eat on the way home.  He waved the waiter over, who simply apologized for any inconveniences (to which Joshua smiled and said that it was no problem), and brought the to go boxes. He bid you both a nice night and you chose to walk home, despite it being quite a ways away. He liked walking behind you for reasons unknown, especially when it came down to eating. “People are crazy, huh?” 

“I don’t mean this in a bad way, but I don’t get how people, girls especially, go nuts over boybands. You’d think they’d never heard music before.” You turned around, risking to walk backward for the sake of stealing some leftover spaghetti.

“I mean, it must be a different experience to be able to go on stage and sing. It’d be nice, don’t you think?”

“I think you’ve been holding out on me with this spaghetti.” You reached for more but Joshua surprised you by closing it on you. “Asshole.” He grabbed your shirt sleeve and yanked you to the side so you wouldn’t walk into a pole. “I take that back.” You turned around again, back facing him. “So a celebrity life, huh? I never pictured you as the type to want something like that.” Granted, he usually brought his guitar outside to the front yard when it was you two hanging out and he sang sometimes. It wasn’t all that great per se, but he had that potential that he could be. 

“I think it’s just something bigger than this everyday life. You know you’re changing lives and vice versa.” He stared past you as if envisioning the lifestyles of the rich and the famous. 

You smiled at him, not wanting to break his reverie. You weren’t one to crush dreams, let alone his and you weren’t about to start now. Instead, you took his plate and stuffed your face with his dinner, making a silent promise to make it up to him. Anytime you spent with him was always your favorite, even if you were irritated after a long day.

*

Weekends normally meant catching up on everything you neglected throughout the week, be it a book you had started reading, a paper that needed writing or even just running an errand as a favor to one of your parents. One of the downsides of living in LA, however, were the tourists who had no idea what they were getting themselves into by deciding to visit the area (thus getting lost, overwhelmed or both) and the locals who complained about them. You weren’t fond of either but what could you do besides sucking it up? Even with that hold up, you managed to finish earlier than planned and rather than heading home, you decided to visit the Hong household. 

One of your favorite things about visiting was seeing Joshua’s grandpa planting something right in plain view and seeing his grandmother watching reruns of Korean movies or shows from her younger days inside. They usually spent their days looking after the house while Joshua’s parents worked and well, no one had anything to say about it (but even if there were, any objections would be handled with a smack to the arm with a dishrag.) You were no exception to the rule or any in general, given with all the time you spent with Joshua. That meant you also learned a lot of things from Korean to its table etiquette but you still struggled with the former.

Joshua wasn’t home when you got there, and neither were his grandparents so it was just you and his parents making small talk and catching each other up on your lives, Joshua’s mom yelling out her inputs from the kitchen fixing a broken sink while his dad’s comments faded into an echo because he was putting the sheets back on his bed and you leaning against the counter, sipping your soda, telling them about the latest treasure you found in your closet: an Eeyore stuffed animal that hadn’t seen the light of day in years as a gift from Joshua after spending your second Christmas together (he liked to tease you that you had similar personalities.), a binder that contained two spelling tests and a worksheet on improper fractions that had sealed your fates from acquaintances to actual friends, and notes that had managed to not get confiscated in middle school.

A while later, the three missing people walked in just as you finished helping Joshua’s mom put some dishes away, Grandpa holding most, if not all, of the bags, Joshua walking behind him with his grandma, arms looped and walking at her pace. “And that is why we go out to the market every Saturday,” she raved to her grandson who listened earnestly. “Sure everything is a little bit more pricey, but it’s as close to the real Korean food as you can get. It reminds me of my days as a little girl.”

“The fact that you remember your time alive during the Great Depression astounds me,” his grandpa joked, which earned him a slap to the shoulder. “I’m kidding. But she’s right. Don’t forget your roots Jisoo. Nothing is greater than home.” He smiled at you when he noticed you in the room. “And you? How are you?”

“Yah!” His grandma cut in, arms wide open, “Are you too good for this family now that you have a job? You don’t even stop by and say hello anymore. How do you know that we didn’t get sick or something?”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”

“After coming by for so many years and you think we won’t miss you. As your punishment, you’re helping me make Bulgogi. Now don't just stand there, wash your hands and let’s get started.”

“Actually Grandma, why don’t you go take a rest? You’ve been up all morning. I can help Y/N with that.”

She looked at him and then she looked at you, making you feel more like a murder suspect than a helping hand. “You better come to me when you finish making the sauce. If it isn’t good, you will start again.”

“Yes halmeoni,” you saluted her, simultaneously flashing her a smile and getting straight to work. You chopped the vegetables while Joshua prepped the sauce, exchanging the morning stories of your time apart. 

His escapades involved throwing a lone french fry at a seagull and following him around and almost attacking him when it saw he didn’t have anymore and seeing someone getting arrested for graffitiing gang signs on a wall. He snorted when you told him you almost got run over by a family bike riding on your way to the post office and choked on the barbecue sauce he was tasting when you remembered about the poor soul strung out on some kinda drug and fighting a bush, rambling nonsense about the government. 

“Here, try this beh peuh,” he said, holding out his stirring spoon and dabbing a bit of sauce on your hand. “What do you think?”

You made a face at his concoction, searching for your soda. “I think you put too much of the sesame seeds and not enough salt. Wow, that’s gross.”

“You obviously have no taste. It tastes perfect.”

“No, you just don’t know how to make this.” You pushed him out of the way, filling the blender with the missing spices and throwing some of the barbecue in. “And you call yourself a master chef.”

“I learned from my grandma.”

“I learned from your grandma too and it doesn’t taste anything like this. Fill it up to here with water and mix it until you can’t see any of the garlic. Then mix it back in.”

“No,” he crossed his arms. “It’s fine like this.”

 “Joshua Hong, if we serve this sad lunch, you will be disowned from your own family and so will I because I let you do it. Trust me this time.”

“Grandma!” He called out to the head chef of the family. “You’re our mediator. Is this good? I think so but Y/N says I’ll no longer be associated with the family. Try it.” He walked over to where she sat on her favorite recliner, a Korean game show playing on the TV and fed it to her.

“Dear boy, I wouldn’t feed this to the dogs out on the street. Try again.” A few minutes he brought her a modified version of everything you added to it. “It tastes the same,” she shook her head. “It’s not hard to make this, children. If I have to get up and make it myself, you’ll be sorry.”

“What does she know?” Joshua mumbled to you. “She lost her sense of taste years ago.” 

You held back a laugh, grabbing his shoulder to keep your composure, completely missing the look the lady in question she threw in your direction before she called her husband. It was another memory for the books, especially when he finally admitted defeat and said you knew better. As punishment, you made him wash the dishes you used and smiled when you heard him finally turn on the radio and sing along to every hit song he knew, sounding off key here and there but pleasant nonetheless.

*

In the next couple of weeks, you saw neither head nor tail of your best friend, other than his occasional social media post which was fine by you. It was the time of year where his church held fundraisers and carnivals and anything that required massive amounts of people. Some he did willingly; others because he couldn’t say no. He stopped inviting you with him long ago when you started picking up excuses from working a couple extra hours to helping some long lost relative who was recovering from surgery, but he had his grandmother and he even gloated that she made better company than you did so it wasn’t a complete loss, his performances being the only exception.

And if you didn’t ask for more hours and go straight to bed after work, you would’ve marched up his front steps, barged through his front door, and confronted him about this calamity because how dare he ignore his best friend?! (But you started wondering where everyone was when you had knocked on the door and no one answered. The weeds growing in the garden and the pile of mail in their mailbox also raised your questions and anxiety. And you didn’t wanna think the worst when you found the spare key in your room and went back, only to find a clean and obviously vacant home.)

You made mental notes to tell him about the newest movies you thought he’d like and also saved some money to treat him to dinner since you had long ago picked up that he wasn’t in the greatest of moods after being gone after so many days. 

After 23 days since his last interaction, he skidded back into your life three minutes after you clocked out, having hung up on a friend had canceled some plans last minute. “Hi?” You took in the sight of his Winnie the Pooh PJs, disheveled hair and the throw blanket in his hand, all the questions rushing through your head. 

“I need to tell you something,” he said without preamble. “Can we go have dinner or something? I just got off the plane and came straight here, My treat.” He smiled at you hopefully. 

About an hour later, you stared at him as he slowly cut off a piece of his steak, while you impatiently bounced your leg for his news. You didn’t even know what you ordered but you ate it anyway, stabbing your fork into it and shoveling it in your mouth. “What have you been up to?” He asked, trying to make conversation. A quiet night in a Los Angeles restaurant was uncommon and he seemed to wanna fill the silence. He smiled at himself when he saw your jaw drop and fighting to not give him a well deserved sarcastic remark.

“Same old, same old. Wreck-It Ralph came out the other day and I was thinking we could watch it soon. I begged my coworkers to not let me go into the theaters where it showed because I don’t wanna see the credits. The scary movies look dumb so I won’t bother with those.” You burned your tongue on the fork having kept it in the hot food for a little too long so you pushed your plate away, resorting to tapping your fingers on the table. If Joshua noticed, he didn’t comment. 

“Is it sad?” He knew he was drawing out the suspense more than he had to but he was looking for the words, how to phrase it, and steeling himself for your reactions.

“A lot of people left crying,” you responded, thinking of all the strangers who you saw drying their eyes or blowing their noses. You decided if you kept talking, he would share his news with you sooner, so you went ahead and told him about the petty thefts around town, upcoming concerts you wanted to go to, rumors that you heard and celebrities that you had confirmed were in the area. He listened as he ate, not really making comments. He nodded here and there to show you he was paying attention, but he himself remained mum on what he wanted to talk to you about.

“Are you ready to go or do you have room for dessert?” He eyed your plate of food, surprised that you ate more than he expected, given he put you more on edge the longer he prolonged everything.

“Joshua,” you groaned, “just cut to the chase. I can’t take it anymore. Tell me!” You stopped momentarily. “You’re not going to prison, are you? No, wait...you got someone pregnant.” You snapped your fingers. “You ran away and they found you somewhere in Mexico City, where you joined a banda, and you were playing at a quinceanera.”

“You need to stop watching so much TV.” He let out a small laugh. “So dessert?”

“If I say yes, will you tell me already?”

“It’s your choice.”

“Joshua!”

“I’m serious. If you wanna stay and eat more, we can. Or if you wanna go anywhere else, we can and I’ll tell you either way. It’s just...I don’t know how you might take it, so I want to make sure you’re comfortable.”

“Is it that bad?” you asked after a moment of silence. The worst thoughts raced through your head. He looked good, a little tired maybe, but he seemed healthy and in good spirits.

“No, but...it could change our lives and I’d like your opinion on what I should do.”

*

You ended up in a park with kids practicing for an upcoming softball game, so you had to walk a good distance to not get distracted at the noise. You sat on some swings, barely rocking from the movements, letting your feet drag on the wood chips as you watched the joggers pass, counting three people with the same pink sweater and seven walking their dogs. Joshua had yet to say a word and at this point, you were afraid to ask him anything. Instead, you enjoyed his company, feeling grateful that despite whatever he had to say, he still managed to elicit a calming presence. 

“So, I went to a thing with my church in San Diego,” he finally began, staring out at whatever beyond he was picturing in his head. “And from there we hit most of Southern California until we had one final thing to do here. And after one of my performances, a scout from South Korea came up to me. He said I had what to takes to make it big over there. At first, I wasn’t interested because it seemed too good to be true. But then he offered us some plane tickets to go visit the studio and see for ourselves and, you know.”

You nodded, finally understanding and easing the pent up anxiety. “That’s where you guys were all this time. I thought you up and left town or something.”

“We did and got to see a lot of- they’re called trainees working to debut and they seemed nice. One of them gave me their number so we could stay in touch. His name was Jeonghan. I also got to meet one of their singers who goes by Bumzu and he does a lot of other neat things too. And a boy group called Nu’est who debuted earlier this year. They sound really good. We can check them out on YouTube later if you want.”

“So when do you leave?” You could already feel the food turning in your stomach, ignoring the last part of his suggestion. It’s not that you didn’t want him to pursue his dream, but you couldn’t imagine him not being by your side and vice versa to see each other completing your milestones...together. That’s what your friendship consisted of: being together. 

“Oh, um about that. I told them I’d think about it. It seems like there’s a catch to it. I’m not 100% sold.” He dug into his pajama pants and pulled out a business card from his wallet and handed you a business card with information from a Pledis Entertainment. You frowned at the Hangul, concentrating on translating it while he continued speaking. “They gave me this in case I changed my mind but I should do it soon because they have a deadline coming up.” He paused his swinging. “What do you think I should do?”

“I...I don’t think this is a decision I can make for you.” 

“But you’re a big enough influence that’d help me decide.” He resumed kicking his feet. “If you want me to go and see the hype of an idol life, tell me and I’ll go. If you don’t want me to go and make a fool of myself because I flew out for nothing, tell me and I’ll stay.” 

“From what you’re telling me,” you said slowly, picking your words carefully, “I don’t know if you should. I mean I could be wrong, but what if something goes wrong over there and you’re by yourself? Or if all the hard work you’re gonna put in doesn’t pay off? You, of all people, deserve to have your dreams come true and to see you come back because it doesn’t work out? I don’t know if I could bear to see your face looking so sad. But in the end, it’s your choice.” It felt wrong to tell him those words, but you couldn’t lie to him, but you couldn’t tell him how selfish you could be.

The foundation of your friendship might not have been cemented with the glorious days of playing in the sandbox; rather it was due to him seeing you struggle with your spelling words during the weekly test and him sliding his paper to the side so you could see the words and then retaking it after school in separate classrooms because you’d gotten caught. And when you mixed that with spending lunch recess with your teacher to help him with converting fractions to decimals and percentages, it seemed like a recipe for a lifetime of memories, especially when you added the permission on both sides of the parental figures to go to each other’s houses. It seemed like there was nothing you couldn’t conquer as you got older.

“Don’t worry,” he smiled at you, “I didn’t put too much thought into it either. It’s a long shot and they were asking for too much anyways.” 

“They were gonna charge you just to audition?” What kinda high class-

“No, they asked for my diploma.”

“You fucking idiot.”

*

No matter how hard you tried not to see, you always managed to catch Joshua staring at the business card on the fridge and it ate you up with guilt even though it was his decision too. You caught the lingering looks and how he’d shake his head as if shaking away an image and facing you with a smile. And when his Korean friend Jeonghan began Skyping him to show him how everything was going, you always swore you’d see a flicker of regret cross his features as Joshua laughed along and reassured him that life was great here and even showed him the things he managed to find at the Korean markets that apparently he couldn’t find anywhere else. He started looking into colleges and another part-time job to pass the time and all you could do was simmer in the turmoil because he chose not to speak of it. “It’s for the best, Y/N,” was all he’d say.

The days passed, with the deadline rapidly approaching and his mood dropped subtly, often tuning you out and playing his music or movie to drown the silence and his misery. His family didn’t seem too concerned at his choice but let him ride it out because he’d get over it soon. 

He finally asked you to come to an evening mass with his family because he’d be giving a small performance and because you knew he needed all the support, you agreed, saying you’d be at the front door waiting for them, for him. So, in the most presentable (and uncomfortable) clothes you owned, you sat first-row front and center with his grandma and several people you didn’t know waiting for the priest to finish his sermon and let your best friend do his thing, which he did.

One of your favorite things about seeing Joshua play the guitar? Seeing the way his eyes literally sparkled every time someone saw him play. You’d seen it multiple times even when he practiced with just you in the room and it never failed to take your breath away. The way his fingers moved effortlessly through the chords and the way he focused solely on the words coming from his mouth. You weren’t immune to those charms, what with the way your hands would get clammy and your heart would pound and you just looked at him in awe because he normally didn’t have that effect on you. 

You looked around the pews, seeing his audience with similar reactions. A lot of them held out their phones, recording and singing along; others for some reason dabbed their eyes because apparently, an angel had blessed them that day. You saw his parents looking proud at their son and trying to hide their smiles as those around them sang their praise at Joshua’s talent. 

As for you? You knew what you had to do and the thought had you wiping your eyes frantically to avoid breaking down. You flashed him a thumbs-up as he finished and he nodded his thanks. He normally stayed behind his parents after mass but he figured you needed to get dressed into something that didn’t make you wanna claw out of your skin, so after taking you home to change and after grabbing a quick dinner from McDonald’s and enjoying it as the last rays of the day came to a close and the night making it feel later than it should’ve.

“When did you get so good?” You asked him. “Last time I heard you, your voice cracked. A lot.”

“Practice,” he shrugged modestly. “I couldn’t have done that without YouTube and their tutorials. And you? When did you decide to come to church without an excuse?”

“When you said you wanted me to come.” You took a deep breath. “I’ve been thinking.” “About?” He asked his mouthful of food, something really unlike him. The small thing must’ve boosted his spirits and it showed. “It must be really scary if you’re telling me. Let me guess. You’re gonna storm the Bastille next time you get a day off? Or are you finally gonna head off to a college far from here? I guess LA isn’t too crazy for you after all.”

“Joshua, I want you to audition.” Before he could say anything else, you continued, wanting to get everything out before you took everything back. “I want you to go for this because it’s your dream. You don’t belong in just one place, you belong everywhere. I shouldn’t have told you not to do it. Seeing you tonight, I know that now. I’m not scared of you coming back because you failed. I’m scared of seeing you turning down this opportunity and you not seeing what you can do. I don’t want your biggest regret to be staying here. If anything, your biggest regret should be meeting me.”

He missed your attempt of a joke, staying quiet for a moment, letting your words sink in before he gave you the biggest smile you didn’t realize you missed until you saw it. A few minutes later, you found yourselves in his room, him introducing himself to the camera and you behind it, capturing his every moment. The ache in your heart seemed different as you heard him sing, feeling ashamed for wanting to keep him from this and feeling proud for putting your pride to the side and letting him have this.

You knew that no one in your life deserved a fighting chance more than Hong Jisoo, and whatever the outcome, you couldn’t have been more proud of him because he gave it his all. When his parents returned home for the night, you kept your composure long enough to say your goodbyes and went home a crying mess because you already missed him.

*

The main menu on the TV replayed the anime’s theme song and you swore you’d be hearing t in your sleep tonight. Joshua swore he was only a few pages away from finishing the manga of the same way and then you could start the series. For the last week, he had tried to be productive balancing work and home, with just getting by in school. But apparently, his inner nerd and his friend Jeonghan didn’t let him focus on anything other than the book currently occupying his hands. You remembered not so long ago how you threw a pillow at him because you had long ago finished it and were about to start it but he begged you to wait for him to read it so you could watch it together and why you agreed was beyond you. You finished the last of your water, looking up at the ceiling in hopes to make the time go by faster but all you could hear was Joshua’s gasps of surprise and the pages turning. It felt like years when he finally finished and his punishment, you threw the empty water bottle at him and told him to press play because if you didn’t watch it soon, you’d explode and you had to be at work soon and you wouldn’t be able to handle the anticipation of not starting now.

You got up to grab some chips in the kitchen, seeing as though your best friend wasn’t pressing play anytime soon. “You want anything?” Silence. “Joshua!” Nothing. “Then starve.” But you grabbed a bag just for him because you knew he’d want some. He was still engrossed at whatever he was seeing on his phone, the only difference was the shit-eating grin on his face. “Why so happy?”

“I got my diploma.” 

“Okay and?” 

“You asked,” he shrugged. “But since you wanna know, I can get ahead on any credits I choose so I can get into a good college and I can graduate early. But also I don’t have to wake up early anymore.”

“When did you get so smart?” You tossed the bag of Doritos at him, hitting him in the face and doing your victory pose. “Now press play. If I have to wait longer to watch this I’m gonna die. Jisoo Joshua Hong, are you even listening to me anymore?” You sat down next to him to see what rendered him speechless.

Instead of answering you, he showed you an email from none other than Pledis, the smile on his face not faltering. “I-they accepted me. Y/N, I have a shot! Oh my god, this is amazing! I have to call Jeonghan! We’re gonna train together! It’ll be so good to have someone I know there. He’s gonna be so happy when he hears-hey, are you okay?”

You nodded, not trusting yourself to speak. You could feel the prickling in your eyes but whether they’d be tears of sadness or happiness remained unclear. On the one hand, he could live his dream, make millions of people happy even if for just a moment, like he deserved. You knew the effect he had on people and others needed to experience that if they ever got to know how annoying and he could be. On the other, you couldn’t be by his side like you’ve always planned to. You’d have to support him from afar. You wouldn’t be able to see him every day anymore. You’d probably fade away to strangers who’d only get in contact with each other if he ever came home since you knew you couldn’t afford plane tickets to South Korea and what if you weren’t in the same area if you were in the same state? That alone caused you to cry, hating yourself for being upset at the news. 

“Beh peuh, you forget how much I know you. Do you not want me to go?”

“I do, but what about us and this friendship? What if you forget everything here once you’re this big celebrity idol? You’ve been my best friend for so long and it's too late to find someone to replace you.” You tried to find humor in the situation but failing to do so. You didn’t want anyone who wasn’t him. You knew no one else would tolerate your impulsive dining out or walking all through LA no matter the distance or even being at home with no concrete plans for the day. “I’m sorry, I should go. I have to get ready to go to work.” You stood up, and all but ran to the door, the anime long forgotten and not bothering to listen to your best friend calling out your name.

*

Staying out past midnight to close up wasn’t exactly something you prided yourself on. If anything, you were out the door by or before dusk set it but you needed a distraction, anything to forget the nagging of your day’s problem. It surprised you nonetheless when you saw Joshua waiting for you patiently as if it was another day. He smiled at you, not saying a word, instead waiting for you to say something. You wished you could’ve avoided him so you could gather your thoughts and think rationally rather than emotionally. 

You walked aimlessly for a while, no one saying anything until the silence became unbearable. “I’m sorry,” you finally told him. “I want you to know how happy I am for you. Really I am, and I’m sorry if it looks like I’m trying to keep you from that. It’s just that when I see you, I think how we’re not gonna be together anymore doing things. Like I won’t complain to you about who pissed me off or you won’t tell me about that lady from church who always makes you laugh. I wanna be there the days you sell out arenas and buying tickets to see you perform, not just hear about it. It won’t be the same anymore.” You cursed yourself for already wanting to cry again. 

“I get you. You’re a major part of my life too. But Y/N, it’s not set in stone if I’ll even get to do this. Maybe I’ll be there halfway through and they’ll decide I don’t fit a mold they have and I need to come home. Or maybe I’ll decide that this isn’t what I thought I wanted. You’ve always asked me to trust you, so now I’m asking you to. Can you do that for me? Good,” he said when you nodded. “Now there’s something I wanna ask you.”

“Oh my god, is this the part where you tell me you’ve been in love with me for as long as you can remember?” Your eyes widened in horror. 

His actions mirrored yours. “Please stop reading every friends to lovers book you come across. You will ruin other friendships like that. Now listen. You can breathe, oh for the love of- Y/N, I’m leaving in two weeks and I need to know if you wanna come with me.”

You pointed to yourself when the words sank in and you were able to get your brain working again. “Me? You want me, an inexperienced idiot to fly off with you to an unknown country while you’re there. Why?”

“Truthfully, I want you there too. My friend Jeonghan said it happened with his friend Aron from Nu’est, only he went as the supportive friend, but I know you’re not interested in stealing my spotlight. They provided the extra ticket even though I said we could pay for it...but only if you wanted to.”

“How long am I supposed to stay?”

“As long as you want to ride it out with me. What do you say beh peuh? Are you- no. Can you take this chance with me?”

*

You exed down the last full day, the butterflies in your stomach ever-present as ever. Joshua looked at you with the eagerness in his face since he found out about the audition. His room, once a place of endless homework hours and weekend movie marathons was now mostly baron, except with clean sheets on his bed. His closet was now empty of everything he owned, having gotten a head start with shipping to the new country. It was nothing but a place of memories, both good and bad, but nothing you would ever change about it. At this time tomorrow, he’d be an official Pledis trainee, and with that thought, often came a swelling in your heart that made it hard to pass your throat. The last thing he needed to do today was return his McDonald’s uniform and pick up the payday, all of which you accompanied him. 

Considering it was the last day, you did many things from shopping for groceries for your homes and enjoying the last few moments. You even went to his church to watch get his blessing from the priest who bade him a safe trip and a prosperous future. He spent some time with his old friends that weren’t you, but not really saying why he was leaving for the homeland his grandparents loved so much. You cried throughout the day every time you realized you wouldn’t do this again anymore, but it was another memory for the books. Joshua spent the few hours at home, eating dinner with his family and triple-checking he had everything ready for the long flight ahead. You often loved countdowns but there was something bittersweet about this one, especially because of all the goodbyes involved. 

It was a little after midnight when you met him in his front yard, breathing heavily as you made your way to the main streets of Los Angeles, ready to change the last of your lives. One last night causing mayhem to remember the way it felt when Joshua’s mischievous side came out. 

You watched him climb on a shopping cart and begged you to push him across the parking lot, which you did because no one knew who you guys were, except teenagers having fun until the security chased you out and starting your next misadventure. You made peace with your pasts in an empty ice cream parlor, shoveling spoonfuls of ice cream like shots for every question you didn’t have an answer to and spilling secrets you didn’t know the other had. 

You passed tons of nightclubs afterward, laughing for no reason other than because they all played the same songs and because the smell of weed flooded everywhere. You walked on the walk of fame, waving at random cars passing by because for all you knew it could be their last day here too, and pointing at the museums you wished you would’ve gone to more times despite the prices. You enjoyed the quiet moments with Joshua too every time you sat on a bench to get some rest. 

You didn’t plan on staying out the whole night but somehow you did and when you went back to his house, the first few rays of the morning sun were starting to show. His family was already waiting for him, luggage in tow and ready to go. The drive to LAX felt like it went too fast despite the never-ending traffic and soon you were there, watching him say his last goodbyes to his parents for the time being, and then it was your turn to do the same. 

 He looked over at you, putting his arm around you and hugging you close. You could see how tired he was from the night out but he also never looked happier. 

“Are you ready to go?” You asked him.

“With you by my side? Let’s do this.” As you walked through immigration, a million thoughts swirled in your head, but one thing remained certain: with having Joshua at your side, you’d never feel more free or alive than now at this moment. Two best friends ready to see how much more your lives would change with The Great Escape.

[verannaca]

so I saw Frozen 2 for the fourth time

i have so many questions.

there’s a relatively negative (and very long) review beneath the cut so pls read at your own risk. and, of course, spoilers.

I’ve seen Frozen 2 four times now and yikes. I’d kinda hoped it would get better with each viewing, but it’s somehow worse??? I really loved the first movie; it literally changed my life in an incredibly drastic way (don’t ask) but it had been very important to me over the past six years, and...I’m so disappointed.

My initial reaction was disappointment, and I should’ve stuck with it. Like, wtf was that? But some parts were also really well done? It left me so conflicted lol

PROS

Vuelie was a good way to open the film; I quite liked the nostalgia :’)

The intro scene in general was good; I liked seeing more of their parents, although idk what their father was thinking telling them such a tale before bed lmao seems like some shit my mother would do

All is Found is my favourite non-depressing song in the movie, and it opens it beautifully. ERW has a wonderful voice.

The animation really is beautiful; it looks so realistic. Specifically the clouds and the one scene of the waves crashing over the pine trees. It looked amazing!

The music is good but not great. FTFTIF is my favourite; it’s so catchy and cheery. I really liked TNRT, and SY is perfect, but these songs just weren’t as catchy as the ones in Frozen?? I’m thankful for AURORA tho, that was a lovely gift.

Bruni was absolutely adorable (even tho he was an obvious cash-grab for merch lol), 10/10 love Bruni. Bruni + Elsa = even better.

Anna looked absolutely breathtaking throughout the entire movie; the redesign they did animation-wise really works in her favour, and now she’s rocking those Emilia Clarke eyebrows which is a hell yes from me. Her final look gave me all the feels; I can’t say I’m a huge fan of the dress and hairstyle?? it seemed a bit too not Anna, but at the same time, it showed her growth and maturity and I’m very happy with that.

As dark as it was, the shipwreck scene was beautiful. It was handled beautifully; their reactions were devastating. There is a huge con here, but I’ll save that for later.

The ocean battle was really neat. The water looked so good, and Elsa looks good wet???

The whole scene in Ahtohallan was well done; I liked the memories. I wish Anna had been there; she deserved to see her history, too, and it wasn’t fair that Elsa got that spotlight once again.

Everything after Elsa freezing was absolutely breathtaking as well. Anna’s reactions, the song, the scenery-- it was tragically beautiful.

Kristoff had the two best lines in the ENTIRE movie: “I’m here. What do you need?” and “It’s okay. My love is not fragile.” It’s so rare to see a good, supportive relationship in tv/movies, be it heterosexual or homosexual, it doesn’t happen. It’s so rare. So this was a beautiful break from that; the faith he had in her was amazing. Thank u. the real mvp.

The scene with Anna as she accepts the fate of her future; as she takes in a breath and realises/accepts that her home is gone, and her blood family is gone. Everything about it was perfect. You could feel her emptiness. Poor baby needed a hug :(

I liked that Kristoff also hugged Elsa when she returned; it showed that they were friends, which is really important for Anna tbh

I think that’s it for pros??? Now for the cons.

CONS:

Gonna start this off simple: the plot was weak. This is unfortunately not an unpopular opinion; it made no sense. It was too convoluted to the point where nothing was explained.

The pacing was off, and it was ridiculously anti-climactic. The layout in general seemed a bit weird tbh I could definitely sit here and justify all of it, but I shouldn’t have to.

They gave us no reason to gaf about this voice that Elsa was hearing. How long had she been hearing it for? Why was she so drawn to it? Why didn’t she think she was just hearing things? Or maybe she did at one point and then realised she wasn’t crazy? 

There was almost no character development. Elsa was the same as she was in Frozen, but this time, it was just annoying. She never learned or grew. Anna was demoted to a clingy side-character even though she’s the protagonist; I have no words for how frustrating this was to watch. I miss the Kristanna bickering. I liked their dynamic overall; I understand their insecurities and lack of ability to communicate because of it, and I liked how non-toxic they were. Overall, they did love and trust each other; they believed in and supported each other, even though they had a falling out (again and again) and were separated for most of the film (again, wtf?) EA had no development together, and honestly, they were annoying asf as a duo. There was no communication and no understanding. I will say that Anna’s fear and frustration throughout the entire movie was absolutely 100% understandable and sensible; she’d already lost too much before, and wasn’t prepared to lose anything else. I just wish she’d been portrayed a bit differently??? And it would’ve been nice if Elsa had stopped for, like, two minutes to be like, “hey, are you okay, you seem clingy and worried” but instead she just kept running and didn’t gaf.

It was over dramatic for the sake of plot, when it didn’t have to be. Elsa didn’t have to continuously try and push Anna away “for her protection.” They absolutely could’ve done the vast majority of things together. Fuck, they could’ve gone to the dark sea together. Anna could’ve stayed on the beach while Elsa tackled the Nokk. Then when Anna saw that Elsa was perfectly capable of protecting herself, they could’ve parted ways then and done whatever it was they needed to do. Or, Elsa could’ve taken Anna to Ahtohallan?? They may have discovered there that Anna couldn’t enter, but then they’d be given the opportunity to communicate, and Anna would’ve at least been included, since this was her history, too.

If this is a movie about two sisters, why the ever loving fuck is it all about Elsa and her origins? What about Anna’s origins? They were her parents, too. Sure, we ask “why does Elsa have magic,” but why doesn’t Anna have magic? Why was Elsa the “gift”? Why is Anna’s superpower “love”?? And why is that “superpower” only valid when it’s in regards to Elsa? Why is Anna so strong, physically? Emotionally? Personally? Is it just her? Why isn’t she an element, too? What’s with this bridge bullshit? Why the fuckkkk is Elsa the “fifth spirit” when she’s ice and ice is literally just water? I have so many questions.

How the heck was Iduna Northuldra? Did she become “whiter” because she remained inside a castle for twenty years? Or was she always “white passing”? Or was she adopted into the forest? Who are her parents? Did anybody miss her when she ran off to the kingdom? Her scarf was from “one of [their] oldest families” and yet nobody seemed to know who she was? And what do you mean “oldest families”? Are there no remaining members of that family? Nobody who was missing her? Nobody who would’ve recognised her daughters who are literally carbon-copies of her????

The shipwreck scene and the following scene pissed me off soooo much in the theatre lol First, it really was beautiful how they did it, but the interactions felt out of character. Elsa brought up the memories of their parents’ demise without consoling Anna at all. Not only did she just do it without at least a warning, she then proceeded to leave her behind in her own fit. Which, okay, yes, to an extent that makes sense; she was over-ridden by guilt. But those were Anna’s parents too. Elsa was all she had, and Elsa left her behind. I just- AND THEN in this moment of severe grief and horror, as these terrible things were revealed, Anna was pushed away again to be left on her own to deal with things alone. She’d JUST sacrificed her own feelings for Elsa, and Elsa’s response was to shove her away. WHY. I just??? hello??? Like, Elsa does care about Anna, right? That’s canon? So why tf would they write her like this?? jfc

Every single new character was wasted potential. Mattias above all else was very interesting, and should’ve had at least ten minutes more screentime??? I liked the scene of him and Anna discussing whatever, but there should’ve been more. They both cared more about Arendelle than anyone; they were both sworn to protect. There could’ve been more of an on-screen relationship there. (and don’t fucking come at me with your gross-ass ships please, tyvm). Honeymaren and Ryder were there for ??? merchandise? A reason for Elsa to stay behind? Queer-baiting??? I don’t get it. They did,,, nothing. Yelena? Did nothing. Why do these name-characters do nothing?? What’s the point???

This was advertised as a “big adventure” but had hardly any adventure. Frohana was apart for most of the damn movie, the action scenes had little consequences, the “climax” was ??? what, Elsa freezing? Who cares?? It’s obvious she’s going to come back. The wave heading for Arendelle??? Yeah, that would’ve been a good climax if it actually did any damage. But no, I guess Elsa can teleport now? aight. and now she gets to play hero again even though she didn’t do shit

The plot(?) was very predictable, and didnt really have a twist. Old white guy kills innocent POC. Okay. That’s real life, yeah? It’s shit; it happens, but why was this whole movie based around that? Was it a political statement? We don’t really need more political movies these days??? People are aware, and things are shit as is; idk it just felt forced. But this is a v controversial subject so imma shut up lol

THERE ARE NO CONSEQUENCES. Unless you’re Anna. Then you suffer severely cuz,,, fuck her, right? The entire cave thing (as beautiful and needed as it was) could’ve been prevented entirely if Elsa had just fucking communicated. But instead, Anna had to suffer again in such a severe way. Her feelings DID have consequences; they effected her severely and even influenced wreckless behaviour. But then?? it’s all over. And suddenly, it doesn’t matter. Suddenly, who cares? Elsa returns and is (for some unforeseen reason) magically forgiven. This ISN’T HOW SISTERS ARE. If my sister pulled half the shit Elsa did, the first thing she’d be greeted with is a slap across the face and a very loud “fuck you.” THEN she’d get a hug and some tears. You don’t fuck with people’s emotions like that. And the fact that there were no serious consequences is infuriating.

Anna becomes Queen without context. Did she want to be queen? Did she suggest it? Did Elsa decided “eh fuck it i’m bored, your turn” and just dump it on her? Anna is a free-spirit. Yes, she was absolutely devoted to her kingdom; her people always came first; she was an incredibly loving and selfless princess, but was she truly prepared to give up that freedom to be Queen? I think she fits the role beautifully; she was absolutely born to rule. But is she happy? Or is she yet again cleaning up Elsa’s mess, since that seems to be all she does?

Why did Elsa stay in the forest? Is it because she felt like she belonged with the spirits? With the people? Away from civilisation? All of the above? None of the above? And how did that conversation go with Anna? How did she explain; “hey, I know I died and fucked you up and promised that we’d always stay together, but I’ve decided I’m gonna leave you behind again and stay here with these people I barely know.” Did Anna object, or did she see the positives of being away from someone so toxic???? It makes no senseeeee, they were so good together in the first movie; it all feels so out of character. Both of them feel out of character.

There were few (very few) moments in which they really were like themselves:

The charades scene.

“You think I’m c R A Z Y?”

Head tilts with Bruni.

Anna laughing at Elsa’s braid-stache.

Elsa making toys for children.

The pleasant Kristanna scenes at the beginning.

Anna’s anger scenes.

Even Elsa’s personal drama???

but that’s it? I’ve seen it four times in theatre, and a few times online (though mostly in pieces) so I don’t think I missed anything. Perhaps I’m blinded by the frustration that this film caused. Overall:

The plot was weak.

The animation was beautiful.

Kristanna wasn’t the Kristanna we truly know?

Elsa was dramatic and annoying because she had no development.

Anna was demoted to a clingy side-character and was given a half-assed purpose.

The music was meh.

There was too much and yet somehow not enough.

It was a mess.

Six years. SIX. I-

ugh.

final note: PLEASE ANSWER MY QUESTIONS IF I MISSED SOMETHING. I think it’s also important to note that if you went to the theatre for 2 hours of entertainment, that’s great, but not the same as those of us that have dedicated six years of our lives to these characters? So please don’t come @ me if you were just a movie-goer. I also wanna say that there were a lot of parts of this movie that I loved and will hold onto, but overall, the movie as a whole was meh. I LOVED Anna & Elsa in Frozen; they had good development and had reasons for being how they were. They had a good dynamtic and worked well together. I hated their relationship in F2; it was toxic and forced in many ways; they didn’t interact nearly enough, and when they did, they were bitching for the sake of plot, which was very frustrating.

This isn’t a hate post so please don’t come at me lol my opinion is entirely irrelevent in the grand scheme of things, but hey, we’re here to chat and share, right?

sigh.

[spacejew]

oops accidental personal post I guess

It's weird that I almost feel the need to go here to personal blog again because of a handful of irl friends following what was supposed to be a private personal Twitter in theory, just for like, idk, internet strangers and friends I made online not those imported from meatspace. Also those character limits... Suffocating.

Anyways yeah things are kinda stable but dissapointing lifewise? I'm definitely in a rut and stuck somewhere I'm desperately trying to get out of. Also like. idk. Gender shit. I think I really fucked myself over hard when I made the decision a few years back to conviously bottle up all my dysphoria and trans feelings and bury them and repress them hard and just live as a very gay and feminine bi boy and like. hm. I think I've been happy since? But im thinking now that maybe. Because that's still a part of my psyche that haunts me every day. I might actually have been mildly depressed this whole time and like, still struggling to make important life decisions because of the anxiety of that. Idk. Maybe if I got a therapist and realistic attention to that all those years ago and it turned out to be very real n legit and i got to make tough choices and live my truth, I would be equipped now to actually be joyful and able to fully focus on hard work and taking risks and putting myself out there and being successful and shit. Idk idk idk. I just have to wonder if all this time I've actually been quite unhappy and filling the void with dumb shit and a good deal of dissociation and complacency. Idk. what I'm saying is maybe I made a big mistake there lmao and could've started transitioning, if that's right for me, 4-7 years ago maybe, who knows. Haha so fun. Fuck me. Big Regrets, lads. But also I still don't know if that's right. Which probs means it is who am I kidding. Oof. But it's ok life is a journey I'm full of wise shit and I know it's not the end of the world. It just kinda. Makes me so sad on behalf of the old me who would cry so much because of dysphoria and living in this body in this life. She knew. I don't know why I buried her alive like that. Anyways.

I spent all year struggling to make an animated short (which ended up being kinda long tbh like 10 minutes?) by myself mostly, just me and my mental blocks and executive dysfunction and shit, but I was v passionate about it and worked hard and got to actually bring a whole vision to life, with basically nobody to tell me what to do, just give me feedback that I wasn't obligated to follow. It came out pretty nice and I'm very happy that I got to tell exactly the story I wanted and try a cool new look and I just wish I gave myself more time to work on the actual animation part but I put my heart and endless weeks and months of refinement into the storyboarding and script and every little detail and I really feel accomplished and like it paid off -- and I even got to do a private screening at my summer camp job that I was called in to do one more time at the last minute right when I finished my film, it was a miracle and so perfect, everyone cried and truly loved it and felt touched by it. And then I went to animation festivals! And all this cool shit! But... I haven't been able to figure out a public screening thing yet. And I feel like all my excitement is gone now. And I really wanted to polish the look and some backgrounds a little, just some very quick rerendering and comp, but. I feel like too much time has passed, i just feel dissapointed. I haven't put it online yet cause I haven't done my public screening, cause of my stupid anxiety about little details and overall idk imposter syndrome I guwss I feel more ashamed of it than proud of it even tho it's probably good, and like I feel that everyone was excited to support me but probably nobody cares anymore.

Basically I had all the wind taken out of my sails. Oh and right when I was trying to get it off the ground I guess and push through, my grandma died. I'm so heartbroken I loved her so fucking much and. She never got to see the film cause of my stupid bullshit. I feel so bad about that. So so bad. Ugh. And it's a film very very hilariously blatantly directly based on me and my feelings and my real family history, ultimately besides other main themes it's about talking to your grandparents and family about the past and your current feelings. And in it the main character, a girl, cough cough even though it's basically me, cough cough go figure, gender shit, anyways the climax is her going back in time to talk to her great grandma, and it's very emotional and my best friend of like almost 10 years now composed and recording a music for that scene for me. And now when I eventually screen this, my entire family and also myself is gonna get torn to shreds by this scene more than intended because my own fucking grandma, who I was excited to show this film to more than anyone on earth, passed so unexpectedly without seeing it. Fuck. Why didn't I send it to her when she was in the hospital? Obviously cause if I did that that would make it real and she wouldn't get better and all I do is live in denial. Ugh. Anyways yeah. The point is I'm stagnant and in a rut right now and just want to move forward and focus on making new work and just get a real career relevant job already. Tough year hit a well needed high and now petering off back into misery. Not to be dramatic. I'm ok tbh I have a part time I'm slowly getting sick of and a loving supportive partner and some very good friends, tho not as many as I used to see regularly and that's kinda sad too. That's your 20s babey.

I just need to move on and make big changes. My pattern rn is like. Work fri-sun, if I'm lucky I get to hang out with friends or lovers, usually at least with my partner. on monday I recover from working. on tuesday I have dnd and usually get some stuff done but honestly just catch up on warframe with my clan friends. wednesday my partner and I got to the park and library for half the day and eat and draw and talk. on thursday I mentally prepare for work again and usually we go out to play another roleplaying game with her roommates friends. a lot of that free time that's been left unmentioned is spent being over at bae's sometimes so I don't have the ability to get much work done. Lately I've spent most of my time planning a dnd campaign which is fun but also too stressful on account of obviously I'm not playing it yet so like what's the point, sorry friends who have patiently waited for months for me to be ready to start the game for them. And also like. Yeah idk. just sad and confused and resting my weary heart and body after a very rough month after my grandma passed. But! I did accomplish a very crazy deep cleaning of my room. I threw out 14 bags of shit at the least. I wish I weighed it all, it was a lot. I feel so much more organized and cleansed from that. For the record I didn't have any trash in my room, nor was it every a mess. Just every single cabinet and drawer was crammed full of stuff and I guess I hoarded a lot of shit. I was able to throw away a lot of things I held on to be cause of sentimentality and I'm proud of myself for growing that way. So like. Idk. It's not all bad, baby steps. I still feel like I'm constantly improving as a person! I'm positive, optimistic. Just tired, anxious, and feel bad.

Also I finally got a new phone and because of my hubris I dropped it without a case and it shattered only two weeks in. The day I was gonna buy a case. But it's ok. Story of my life I guess. I can't keep everything pristine and polished forever, one day shit falls and breaks but it's still usable. It has character.

I wasn't expecting to dump everything like this, sorry yall. Thanks for reading I guess. Also I forgot how to do a read more on mobile lol sorry

[ifridiot]

⭐ for About The Living For The Dead

okay, so this one ain’t done yet, but I am admittedly Super Fond of this idea. The crossover no one wanted (yes, I am aware of the What If comic, yes it’s good, no it holds absolutely no bearing on how, why, or what I am doing with this fic). Punisher symbiote fic: About the Living, For the Dead.

First of all, can we talk about the title? I think it’s been made pretty evident in my fics that I fixated pretty hard on David’s little speech in the episode ‘Danger Close’. That whole conversation was so good, and the way the show handled it it felt like real, natural concern from David for Frank at this moment when Frank was displaying real suicidal intent in his search for vengeance. Memento Mori and the Let Them Eat Flesh series are both heavily drawn from that scene, and of course Puncture Repair. 

So I decided to title this fic as it is because obviously Frank himself is gone. That’s kind of the ugly point, isn’t it? Frank is gone and now David is doing what Frank did. Frank didn’t ask him to finish what he started. Frank probably didn’t want him to, for any number of reasons. Frank just asked David to save the symbiote because otherwise it would die with him and if he could save one more life out of the mess then he was going to, by god. David (with Punisher’s support and encouragement) really takes it on himself to go after Billy. To set himself up in the basement of his family home so he can track Billy down, confront and kill him. On this, even in the haze of grief and loss, David is single-minded; the symbiote is the one reminding David to spend time with his family and take care of himself. It’s David that has the fixation, the bloody mind; it’s David forgetting to ‘live his life well’. I haven’t gotten to publishing the scene where it’s made explicit yet, but in this fic it’s the symbiote who’s concerned more ‘about the living’, while David is motivated by vengeance ‘for the dead’.

Favourite bits under a cut, because this fic is multichap and there’s some good bits in each chapter.

Chapter One:

Madani is not watching. Madani can’t hear Frank’s dying rasps – Madani is taking care of clean up, giving them space because she knows what it’s like to hold someone too late, to take on the responsibility of being the last thing they see.

Ugh, just... Dinah really understanding what David’s going through here. The obvious fact that they can’t save Frank, so David’s left in the same place as she was with Sam, and she knows exactly how painful that is, exactly how awful. The responsibility of being the last thing they see, I just like that.

Frank’s fingers are clutching his, shaking and seizing, every breath labored and wet. Each exhale sends little flecks of blood flying, and David thinks he might be drowning, suffocating on his own blood. From the looks of it, Rawlins had worked him over expertly before he’d managed to break free and kill him, but the exertion had cost Frank dearly.

Those fingers guide his hand to Frank’s gut, to the squirming, charred surface of the symbiote. David has never dared touch the creature, and is surprised when it flattens against Frank’s skin, spreading thin, away from David’s hand as though shy. Frank presses David’s palm into it. He’s making desperate eye contact with David, dark eyes flicking over David’s as he struggles to stay, but there are no more words. David curls his fingers against the oil-slick darkness, and knows that Punisher and Frank are having one of those conversations David can’t hear but can see. Franks lips move as though he’s trying to speak, but he can’t hear him however close he leans.

Frank working so hard to stay together, to stay alive long enough to be sure Punisher bonds safely with David. The display here that Frank and Punisher are so well bonded; a conversation David can’t hear but can see. 

He will die he will die if I leave

“Yeah,” David says, and he can see his tears splash on Frank’s bloodied torso. “He will. We can’t save him. But I can save you. Lemme save you.”

I love the way Punisher talks, the difference between structured sentences when it forms a physical mouth to speak from and the stream of conscious dialog, no punctuation when its speaking between itself and its host.

also just. ow. 

We do not mourn the loss of a host

Frank’s eyes drift, and glass over, and he heaves a shaking, weak sigh that has no follow up, no reflexive inhale. His body is so warm and so heavy across David’s lap.

We mourn a friend a love

Immediate, and i mean immediate use of the word we for Punisher and David. No hesitation, they are a team now. Also i feel like this part is so rude emotionally lmao, like it’s really just kind of a punch.

Chapter Two:

Bad David bad brain phenethylamine dopamine norepinephrine all low unhealthy mourning mourning mourning we have to focus

David understands that. That’s why he’d let himself go on autopilot for the last – he glances at his watch and curses. Seven hours? They’d been down here for seven hours and he hadn’t finished the array?

I like to think Punisher uses more clinical terms for what it needs with David and it did with Frank, because David either already knows them from the research he did on the symbiotes (re: hacking the Life Foundation and also probably a bunch of military sources too) or because David is curious enough about new words to look them up, while Frank just understood he needed to take a supplement or else Punisher would die/kill him.

the time loss due to depressive dissociation is also a big Thing to me. 

“Frank felt deeply. We adapted. He took care of himself, of us, mindful. Curtis taught him. It was… difficult.”

It comes in a rush of images and impressions, memories not his own – Frank meditating, Frank focusing on their bond, Frank loving – them, not just Punisher, but them, both of them, and latching on to that love to pull him on and on. The realization that Frank had cared for him as much as he cared for Frank is –

Well.

“You did not know?”

David scoffs, shakes his head, looking away. “Of course I didn’t know. Half the time he looked like he wanted to kick the shit out of me and the rest of the time I wanted to kick the shit out of me.”

I just love this conversation, the gentle revelation of it. Punisher having taken it for granted that David would have understood on his own that Frank loved him too. 

“He chose, David. It wasn’t for any lack of yours. The moment we bonded I knew I would lose him. He belonged to the dead more than he would ever belong to us.”

David can’t imagine that. He can feel Punisher’s pain – the pain of loving someone and knowing their heart, despite the effort they put into the relationship, wasn’t really in it. The pain of knowing that your love was willing to die, just waiting for the chance really. He’d never really thought of Frank as suicidal, but seeing him through the symbiote’s eyes, he has new perspective. Frank dreamed of death, courted it, counted on it.

He loved so many things, so deeply, but his losses had been too great. Finding out that the work he’d done in Cerberus had been illegitimate, had made him a murderer of who knew how many innocent men had been the end of him. He didn’t believe in redemption, certainly not for himself. He’d loved David, loved Punisher – he’d loved Sarah and the kids too, David felt that in the memories Punisher shared – but he had hated himself.

“I’m sorry,” he says...

Just this whole exchange is Good. For an extra hit, allow me to point out that Punisher says ‘It wasn’t for any lack of yours’. Not ‘ours’. Just ‘yours’.

Also the Punisher loving Frank and having a front row seat to his self-destruction, his lack of self preservation. Uh, can you imagine, for a minute, what Frank bonded to a symbiote was like? The risks he’d throw himself into because even if he took a bullet or broke a bone, Punisher would heal him before he died from it? yeah.

“Look, Russo is out there, right now – that smug piece of shit thinks he got away and –”

“And he is hiding. Like a rat, like a roach. When we find him, we will eat his pretty face off his skull and he will die screaming, begging our mercy and there will be none. It will be delicious and we live for that moment. But that is future. This is now. Go up stairs. This… moping… is unbecoming.”

Haha i love how much they both hate Russo. I really treasure that. And the whole way Punisher talks about what they’re gonna do when they catch him is just Nice.

Chapter Three:

So when David twists and writhes in bed, Punisher tastes his anguish, his despair, and wakes him before he can wake Sarah. It soothes him into rising without a noise, but drags him from the dream swiftly, baring it from further examination. This is easy for the symbiote, sort of like throwing the thought in a box. It’s not David’s thought, it’s theirs, and if they have to share it, then Punisher will deal with it.

Part of what I like so much about this chapter is the narrative perspective bleeding back and forth between Punisher and David. Because they’re bonded quite well at this point, and their experiences still have distinct flavours but more and more they function as one. So Punisher coming forward and just boxing up David’s Bad Thoughts is just kinda cool and nice.

He’s cut off by the image, definitely not his own, of himself, sitting at the desk in the power station. He looks tired, and distant, not focused on anything in particular, just looking off to one side, gently lit in the low lights but somehow distinct. His hair is wild, longer, tangled around his face in a mess that somehow reads as endearing; his eyes – they’re not even focused on them, but they’re so blue its unnatural. And in this image – it’s a memory, but it’s not, it’s something more, enhanced by so many emotions that Punisher is pushing through their bond

protect beware infuriating love love love

in this image he looks up, straight into his minds eye – Frank’s mind’s eye because who else would he have been talking to there – and he smiles, and his own heart twists with the fondness and delight he feels, emotions high and unnatural for ‘him’ at the time. He feels a distant stirring of arousal, and again it’s not his own, but the pounding of his heart certainly is.

The memory dissipates all at once, leaving him feeling shell-shocked and wide-eyed in the basement dark, and Punisher curls protectively, sweetly, around his ribs. It’s a physical presence; he can feel the symbiote in his chest, winding around bone, caressing his thudding heart. It should be disturbing, but somehow it’s a comfort.

This whole exchange is just Wow and also Romantic to me. Punisher being able to give David Frank’s memories and let David perceive himself how Frank did. I just really like that as a concept. bombarding David with the feelings Frank felt when he looked at David. That ‘beware’ was one of those emotions.

“Maybe he deserved them more than me, okay? Maybe that’s what it’s about, maybe I’m not scared of him – why the fuck would I be scared of him? I loved him so much I would have died for him and now he’s gone and he shouldn’t be, he should be here – Sarah would be happier with him, someone strong and steady, not some loser who hid from her for a year!”

Those white eyes are wide in shock, though they are mentally entwined and David thinks it had to have known… but then, he hadn’t known Punisher was angry about his nightmares until it spoke, either.

“Everything he did he did for your survival. For you, David.”

“Yeah, so you say! Maybe you’re just fucking with me, trying to make me happy – gotta make those brain chemicals, right? Make it comfy in here for you, right?”

He regrets saying it even as he says it, his own eyes widening at the surge of hurt and upset he feels wash through him, followed by a coiled sort of anger. All at once he’s slammed back into the futon, and he can’t move; Punisher looms in front of him, dangerous teeth on gruesome display. For all that it always seems to be grinning, there’s nothing amused about it’s visage now.

lmao just... god, being so nicely bonded and still having this kind of miscommunication is Good. They’re still alien to one another, especially in emotional experience. David saying something ugly and regretting it even as he’s saying it. Being able to feel how hurtful the words are to Punisher. Punisher rising up righteous in retaliation.

“What was that he said?”

Again, like an instant replay, Frank’s eyelids fluttering, his back pressed against the cold tiles of the shower they’d used in that hellish basement, his hand squeezing just slightly as he moans David’s name.

“Ah, that’s right. You, he was thinking about you.”

The words are so smug yet so bitter – Punisher proving a point.

Did i make it obvious yet how Frank loved David more than Punisher?

Frank could have gone after anyone. That Karen woman, hell, he could have been thinking about Sarah and it would have been more understandable, but he wasn’t. He was thinking about David, he wanted David, yearned for him, and David – oh, David was lost in that revelation.

“You think I was was lying? Manipulating you?”

It’s accusatory, mocking, but David knows he deserves it. Punisher would not, maybe could not have lied, he understands that now. But still he can’t move, can only shiver when the symbiote makes a soft sound, a click of the tongue maybe, and then his legs slowly part. He has no control over it, but he makes no effort to stop it, nor does he stop his hands when they move to shimmy down his pajama pants. His breath hitches and Punisher shushes him, nuzzling against his cheek.

“He wanted you. Loved you. Wanted you happy, David. So let’s be happy.”

How about now?

Also I rarely :eyes emoji: at my own work, but... :eyes emoji:.

David only realizes tears are leaking out of him when Punisher hums, leaning in to lick them away. “No, David, no tears. We are happy like this.”

The weirdest part of it all is, he is, and it’s not just fuck-happy, it’s genuine, bone-deep, actual joy.

I just dig the idea of Punisher comforting David, telling him not to cry.

You have me I have him all of him in me so you have him too

Romantic!!! Sweet!! I REALLY LIKE THIS LINE.

[issasideblog]

Introduction!

Well, um hello lolol~

How’s it hanging?

This is my first post on this blog, I’m not even sure if I’m going to post anything, but I guess it’s a good place to post my feelings and other things.

I have no idea how to start this, so I guess I’ll just link this post on my other blog, it’ll give a shorter explanation of what’s happening right now heh.

Okay, so hopefully you’ve read that if anyone does read this, or if future me reads this then hello, hope you’re Gucci now~!

Like I said in that post, I’ve been feeling quite down recently.

I’ve always been like this, but recently it’s gotten worse and I’m not entirely sure why, the only reason I can think is that I’m changing medication.

But it doesn’t really explain why I’m constantly sad, or empty/numb

Don’t get me wrong, I do feel happy sometimes, but not a lot.

I don’t have many friends, but I don’t mind to be honest.

I’ve always struggled with friends, this is apparently because I have Autism (there’s that too lolol~), so I’ve never really had friends for a long time.

But, I have one close friend (my best friend) the others are just people I hang out with at school, since I don’t really leave my house. 

I don’t really like the others too much, I know that sounds mean. But I’ve always struggled with attachment.

I don’t get attached easily, especially after I found out that they were talking about me behind my back.

Every single friendship I’ve ever had has ended like that, so I kind of don’t trust many people.

I said above that I rarely leave my house, this is for many reasons I guess.

1. I’m scared of people.

That sounds kind of weird in a way if you don’t understand.

I hate meeting new people, and being around other people makes me incredibly nervous, but I don’t really show it.

I can’t make eye contact with people (another thing to do with my autism heh)

2. It triggers my OCD

This also sounds kind of weird, but I’ll explain.

I have really bad OCD (Which could also be part of my autism apparently) but I hate being touched, and as soon as someone touches me I feel contaminated and have to wash.

I can’t sit in any place, beside my bed without feeling dirty and having to wash.

Nobody can sit on my bed, or I have to change my bedding.

If I don’t shower I feel disgusting but sometimes I have no motivation to shower which makes me feel even worse.

3. I’m paranoid

I constantly feel like I’m being watched, no matter what I’m doing. I could just be sat in my room (like I am right now) and feel like I’m being watched. It stops me doing certain things (like exercising) and I have to change really fast.

Being outside triggers this even more, I feel like everyone is watching me and judging me, or that I’m being followed.

To be honest, I just prefer being inside. I feel safer I suppose, but not entirely safe.

My school life is even worse.

My grades are terrible, so is my attendance.

I struggle to get out of bed on a morning, because I’m exhausted, I have no motivation and I honestly don’t see the point, I feel like I’m not going to live long enough anyway. 

That sounds like I’m going to kill myself, but I wouldn’t because it would hurt people I care about, I guess.

I find it hard to believe people care about me, but I don’t want to risk them being hurt.

But, I’m very clumsy and kind of self-destructive. I don’t really look after myself, and often miss meals and don’t eat or drink for ages.

~

Recently, I’ve started sleeping in school.

I’ll just be listening to the teacher talk and lose focus and just fall asleep.

I fell asleep in my exams, which I failed.

That made me sad, but no one knew heh, people that knew got mad/judged me heh.

I literally have no energy, so I try sleep whenever I can.

Min Yoongi who?

~

I have no motivation to try in school, even though I want to.

I haven’t done homework in three years, nor have I tried hard.

I don’t have good relationships with teachers because of this. They hate me heh.

I sometimes skip lessons, which makes them hate me even more.

My maths teacher now despises me because me and my friend didn’t go to her lesson and gave us a detention (which I couldn’t go to because I wasn’t at school because I was too depressed heh, but my friend did so she doesn’t hate her). But another girl skipped the lesson and didn’t get into trouble which I found rude.

Now my maths teacher treats me like crap and will pick on me any chance she gets which makes me feel like crap and stops me going to her lesson.

I’ve nearly been expelled three times, which was a rollercoaster lmao.

But the latest was last year:

Like I said in my other post, I have Bipolar disorder, which gives me severe mood swings.

During this incident, I was in a manic state, I literally couldn’t control myself it’s kind of like being drunk in a way?

Anyway, me and this teacher were messing around in maths and he said something that I can’t remember and my manic self (please remember I had no control over this, I couldn’t control myself) said

‘Screw you too’

I don’t even know what happened, but he got pissed and yelled at me.

Then sent me out.

A while later, my best friend brought my bag out and I got sent to the deputy head (I think that’s who he is I honestly have no idea lmao).

I later found out she brought my bag out because my actual maths teacher (not the one that sent me out) said if she brought me it, I’d accuse her of doing something to it.

Probably not wrong tbh

Yeah, so I got sent to the maybe deputy head, I don’t know guy for the rest of the lesson (it was my last period, so I could go home straight after). He made me, my best friend and our ex best friend stay behind, except my ex best friend ran off.

We both had to give a statement of what happened????

(This is kind of turning into me talking shit about my school whoops)

But then yeah, my best friend said she didn’t want to do it in case they lied against us, but she was forced to.

THEY DID LIE AGAINST US IT WAS RIDICULOUS.

Around this time, I was being forced to stay behind because I was missing school.

Apparently, it was to ‘catch up’ but I didn’t do anything besides sit there???

So, it was basically a detention, even though my reason for missing school was my mental illness.

Anyway, I was forced to write an apology letter to both teachers, even though I didn’t do anything to one of them?

The whole screw you was literally a joke??? I thought we were messing around which we were.

Anyway yeah, they refused to let me leave until I did it.

(I couldn’t get out without them letting me)

I can’t remember what I wrote but my head teacher had to help me because I refused to write it, because in my mind (and many others) I didn’t do anything wrong, I couldn’t help my actions and they knew it.

But yeah, I was forced to do this, and went home crying.

My parents were pissed.

I’m pretty sure they called the school and told them to retract the apology or something. I don’t wanna ask now lmfao.

So, them both the maths teacher and the other one that I said it to (he’s now my physics teacher and is nice to me??? but it’s gucci) hated me and so I stopped showing up to that lesson, and form (she was my form tutor)

EVERY MATHS TEACHER I’VE HAD IN SECONDARY HAS HATED ME WTH WHY AM I SO UNLIKABLE???

~

Anyway, my school didn’t believe me when my parents told them I had bipolar disorder.

The school phoned my doctor without us knowing, and asked if I actually had it.

My doctor phoned my parents because it’s confidential and they needed permission, which we gave.

But yeah there’s that too.

I have so many bad incidents in school what even

~

Because of my disorder and other shizzle, I have a lot of appointments, I miss a lot of school.

At one point my teacher (the physics/screw you guy. Why is he always in this? He’s nice now but still) told me I should cancel them.

I can be really suicidal and put myself and others in danger do you really want that, buddy?

But now, they’re demanding all letters of my appointments, but it’s confidential????

Like uh no go away, my mental illness don’t get your own they suck.

~

My PE teacher (I am so tempted to give her name because I really don’t like her but I’m not actual that mean, she also might see this and sue me lolol)  is one of the worse for dealing with my illness tbh, despite the fact her brother killed himself.

This next part is probably gonna sound really attention seeky but meh, I’m just going to be honest here, because honesty is the best policy.

She treats everyone else really nice (except a recent incident with my best friend) but it comes to me and she’s horrible.

She ignores it, and/or blames it on me (this is another thing entirely ugh).

One time I was really depressed in physics (ITS THE SCREW YOU TEACHER AGAIN FGS LMAO) and he was like ‘I’ll email pe teacher and tell her’ but instead of telling her I was sad, he said I refused to work????

I was sat in the changing rooms, basically crying and she comes in and yells at me for not doing pe.

(side note: I don’t do PE because of my paranoia, insecurity and OCD heh)

I haven’t done pe in three years wth you know this???

Then she goes

“Do you want to talk about it? Never mind you never do.” and walks out.

I don’t like talking to others about my feelings, because in my mind they don’t care and I’m just a bother to them.

~

In year seven, I was forced to go to the school councillor.

She brought another girl (who for the record, is horrible and I really don’t like her).

She then started talking about my bipolar and saying stuff meaning the horrible girl knew all aboout my private stuff.

The councillor then went on to say my disorder is my own fault????

Apparently, I was just hanging around with the wrong people and not having enough confidence??

No, I have a mental illness, I can’t prevent it.

~

Trigger warning: self-harm

A few years ago, I used to cut myself (I don’t anymore) and my teacher was trying to force me to take my jumper off, and at some point, I got in trouble for cutting myself h e c c.

~

A few weeks ago, I told my teacher about how I was struggling with body issues and starving myself. She asked me how I was once but did nothing else.

If it wasn’t for my friend and parents realising I could have starved myself to death, and she would have watched it happen.

I even wrote a song about it recently and it was obvious it was about me, but my teacher read it (it was for an assessment) and said nothing.

~

Alas I cannot think of any more incidents at school, there are literally too many.

Ever since an early age, I’ve struggled with sleep.

I can go days without sleeping or sleep all day.

This sometimes actually depends on my bipolar.

If I’m manic, I can stay up for days, if I’m depressed I can and most likely will, sleep for days.

I also have something called delayed sleep phase syndrome (Jesus I have a lot of problems)

So, my sleeping schedule is messy.

It’s literally 7:30am and I haven’t slept even though I’m exhausted.

My whole life I’ve had low self-esteem.

I hate everything about myself.

This could be because I’ve been bullied my whole life.

One of my biggest issues is with my weight (You can probably tell where this is going so trigger warning)

I’ve always gone through phases of not eating for days, or rarely eating but recently has been the worse it’s ever been.

I was barely eating, I’d go days without eating, sometimes I would force myself to throw up.

I was constantly over exercising and sometimes I would lose all energy and I’d just collapse to the floor and couldn’t get up, but I’d still push myself.

I lost all my energy, which led to me sleeping at school, as you read above.

I even nearly fell asleep while walking home once.

I told my teacher this too once, not the whole thing, just that I was insecure and wasn’t really eating (like you read above) and she didn’t do anything.

Like I said, I have low self-esteem so I rarely like myself.

I constantly think my friends hate me, this is also because almost everyone prefers my best friend to me and leave me for her.

I think I’m unlikable, and honestly, I’m sure it’s true, no matter what others say.

No matter how many compliments and things I get, I never believe it, they just make me think I’m being pranked and people are laughing at my reactions.

I also get intrusive thoughts sometimes.

I’ll just be doing something and thoughts about me being worthless and other things like that will bombard my mind, or I will get thoughts about killing myself or killing others and I can’t stop it.

It’s just something that happens to me now, to the point it rarely bothers me.

I sometimes, not often, hear things and hallucinate.

This is rare though but has been happening more and more often recently.

They’re usually voices telling me my friends don’t like me, I’m worthless, stupid, they insult me and things like that. They also just repeat things I’ve heard during the day really loudly.

I’ve never really told anyone this.

I sometimes see flashes of faces and people in my sight, I’m not sure if that’s hallucinations but yeah.

Above I said that I’ve always had bad friends, besides now.

One of my worst was being bullied constantly, I don’t even know why I tried being their friends, I was very naive.

One of them still hates me rip.

He’s dangerous now so you know, kind of paranoid.

Another friendship was when one girl’s mother was a drug dealer and they all tried pressuring me into doing drugs and smoking with them.

I never did, I just came up with a lie it wasn’t hard to be honest.

They probably knew but who cares?

Earlier on I said I have paranoia (if it can be called that).

But yeah, I feel like I’m being watched all the time, no matter what I’m doing.

I’m not sure who, but I just feel like someone out there is watching me either through my window (so I always have my curtains closed), through my camera (so I always have them covered) or through a hidden camera in my room which I can’t do anything about.

I once hid under my covers because it got too much, but the feeling was still there.

I’m suddenly exhausted.

My mind has gone blank, but I’ll try post more I guess, if I remember, or have something to write about.

Thank you for reading!

I hope you have a good day/night! ^-^ <3

 I’ve probably made loads of mistakes here because I suck hEH SORRY

[zeedesertfox]

What's your take on the current North Korean situation?

Shit, shoulda answered this like a year ago.

Lmao, I’ve kinda stopped watching politics but my take?

I called it way earlier.

As far as I’ve been able to tell, the North Koreans rely quite heavily on outside nations for both weaponry, and at desperate times, food, even from such hated enemies as the western bloc, including the United States.

Much like an enraged toddler, the Nork government stirs up trouble when it requires something, or to simply remind the planet, and more importantly, its regional neighbors, that they still exist. While not a threat to the United States, they are certainly a threat to U.S. interests, and U.S. allies.

As for why they’re still here? The regime does an good enough job ripping apart internal dissidence and throwing it into a camp to be raped, starved and worked until they die. So from that perspective, internal revolt from the people is unlikely. A martial revolt could occur, certainly, and I’m quite confident there are actors (read as generals and other top brass) that are waiting in the wings once tubby dies, and they will more than likely decide to keep a good thing going, from their perspective.

The Chinese, and to a lesser extent the Russians, in my opinion, are keeping the Norks undisturbed as a buffer zone from the west. The Chinese government know that if the (99 red) balloons go up tomorrow and war is declared, the US and co. will have to deal with the force of the Noko military. Sure they’d get stomped, but it would suck up valuable resources. I should mention there is quite some trade between the Russian federation, China, and the Nokos.

As for the Japanese government? They’ve been mostly keeping to themselves since 45, and while they may squabble with China over a few islands, they certainly aren’t going to try and take on the Norks alone. They’ve already dealt with one, relatively small nerve agent/chemical weapons attack, they don’t want to have the norks rain death upon their cities. As for whether the North Koreans have a chemical weapons program up to stuff? That’s a different question, but mustard gas ain’t that hard to make for a government, and I’m sure the Japanese don’t want to take that risk, so we can rule them out.

The South Korean government doesn’t want the military option as quite frankly, in the event of a war, despite the best efforts of counter battery teams and airstrikes, the capital of South Korea would be hit fairly badly by artillery. How badly? Depends on the reaction time of allied forces, and the a lot of factors for the North Koreans. Still, probably well into the millions in terms of property damage, and at least a few hundred lives. 

Not to mention the nightmare that would be re-integration. The people in the north have been indoctrinated to the point that the cultural shock may well cause mass suicide, resistance, or at the very least, heavy depression.  The bill alone would be worth crying about. Looking at the price tag of the unification of the two Germany’s and one can only imagine how difficult and expensive it would be for the Korea’s to unify.

As for an American nuclear response? Well, they certainly have the ability to do it, but it would, unprompted be a public relations nightmare. People are still quite bitter about the last time the U.S. has used Atomic weaponry, and they had a damn good series of reasons to use em last time, so I can’t quite imagine the sheer uproar that would, well, erupt from a decision to drop Thermonuclear devices onto a nation, unprompted, even one as foul as the Noko State.

As for a conventional military assault on the regime, with US and allies rolling in together? I don’t think they’d collapse as quickly as the Iraqi’s during Desert Storm. They’ve had a lot longer to prepare, and if it merges into a guerrilla war, I’m not saying we’d be seeing Operation Downfall tier casualties, but it certainly may not be a cake walk.

As for my thoughts on the Noko Atomic program? First strike options for Blufor are most certainly on the table, at least from a military perspective. As far as I can tell, their nuclear program is not hardened (perhaps from artillery, but good luck against a regular B-61, let alone a B-53), and could be relatively easily taken out. Now, they do have the road mobile IRBM’s, and even with accuracy not working out too well, and the fact that so far they haven’t been able to mate an atomic war head to it, they still represent a threat by simply what they can carry. Are those IRBM war heads carrying a 1500 pound conventional charge? Or is it carrying some sort of hyper fast spreading genetic plague monster that was smuggled out during the fall of the soviet union and kept in some lab in some shit hole lab 40 klicks north of Pyongyang? That’s what concerns me.

That, and as far as I can tell, they only have what would be classified as Atomic munitions. Not the easiest thing in the world, but certainly easier to make than Thermonuclear munition, which (barring exceptions like dial a yield, etc etc), generally pack a helluva lot more punch.

In short?

The Norks stir up shit as they know no one’s gonna do more than sanction them, and they’ve found they can get what they want by doing so. Nobody in the region, all for their own reasons, wants to do anything to either deal with them, or enrage them.

So far the only thing that seems to effect the regime is cutting off their grain supplies for the west, and cutting off their coal supplies for the Chinese. (At least from what I can remember). And both of those put, either directly or indirectly, pressure on the North Korean people, and will, directly or indirectly cause deaths through starvation, accidents, and repercussions. And I think for most people, their issue is not with the North Korean people, their issue is with Tubby and his gang of generals.

Tough to say.

I certainly feel bad for the Noko common man though. 

-

To the anon who sent me this, message me, I owe you an apology for being so slow on the draw, by a year and a half.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #317

i’m tired as a motherfucker and don’t feel like thinking up some lyrics, so here, jus have the survey.

Have you volunteered in the past 6 months? No. French fries or onion rings? French fries. I don't like onion rings. Do you suffer from anxiety? Very badly. Favorite healthy snack? "Apples and peanut butter are one of them." <<<< Same, actually. Good shit. Favorite Disney movie? Forever and always The Lion King. If you see a bee in your house.. are you going to kill it? I hate to say it, but I'm killing it. Do you normally take a shower in the morning or at night? Morning. Do you have a cat? Yeah. What is your favorite animal? It will always be meerkats. Always. Do you know what time you were born? 10:30 AM, I believe. Do you like McDonalds? I'm gonna be real: I've never understood the McDonald's hate. I enjoy it perfectly fine. I mean it's certainly not gourmet, but I'll choose it over other fast food places sometimes. It's cheap and decent food, imo. What's your favorite flower? Orchids. Have you thought about joining the military? FUCK no. Who is the person that has impacted your life the most? Given my PTSD, I think it's pretty obviously Jason. Have you ever had a pet fish? Yeah, but not a lot. I never enjoyed them much. Have you ever wanted to be on a game show? Not seriously, no. I wouldn't want to be on television. Have you ever vaped? Nah. Who was the last person to give you a hug? Either my niece or nephew. Have you ever been on TV? I don't think so, no. What's your favorite store in the mall? Hot Topic, ugggghhhhh take me there. Has anyone ever told you that you have an accent? Yeah, especially when I was younger when I definitely did have a clear Southern accent. Do you have any piercings? Yeah, six. I have been DYING for a new one lately... How did your parents meet? Work. What was your first word? "Dada." Do you eat more healthy food or junk food? Somewhere in the middle, I'd say. What do you spend too much money on? When it's my own money, tattoos. I think I'll be perfectly capable of doing it, but when I'm employed, I'm going to have to watch how much I invest into those. What is a disturbing episode of an otherwise non-disturbing show? What is a disturbing show (or one you would describe as one) is enjoyable to you? Meeeh I don't watch enough for this. What is the most memorable song in a movie? How about a show? Oh wow, I dunno. "Circle of Life" from TLK is a beauty, as is "Strangers Like Me" from Tarzan. There really are a lot. As for shows, "Carry On My Wayward Son" from Supernatural will immediately get fans screaming the lyrics, haha. However, I don't know if that song properly counts since it wasn't written just for the show, but whatever. What is something you’re grateful for that humans have made/have continued to make exist? What about something that you wish that humans didn’t destroy? The Internet, whew. I wish humans would stop destroying the fucking environment. It's heartbreaking how many woods are wiped away here for construction, only to never be built on... While evil men are commonly talked about, what woman would you consider the most evil? I don't know, but it would probably be a rapist or pedophile. Those are probably the people I abhor most. Do you believe children can be evil? If so, what child from history do you believe to have been the most evil? I don't really think children are born evil, no. I've never heard of a diabolical baby or anything. I think the environment they are raised in molds them as they age. I don't know about the last question. Name one way that music can be bad for humans. It can be depressing sometimes, actually dragging your mood down, especially if you already feel low. What has been one of the most blatant advertising in a movie, show, or music video? Some of these questions are hard man, idfk lol. What book have you read/listened to that “messed you up” (or made you have a lot of negative feelings afterward)? Johnny Got His Gun left me feeling so spiteful towards and disappointed in the world. It definitely made me feel down for a while. If you have a pet, what is the best thing that you have for them (either a toy, a highly rated food, etc)? If you don’t have one but would like one, have you thought about what you would get your pet? We definitely don't have the money for "high quality" stuff. What works, works. Did you ever know anyone who was (previously) a part of a cult? What cult? Were you ever a part of one? No. What is something that is legal right now that really shouldn’t be? I'm stealing the previous person's answer by saying fireworks. They have a horrible effect on animals and PTSD victims and is just litter and a fire hazard. What is a movie you consider successful/good that did not have high reviews? I'm not educated enough on movie rankings. When you met the person you now like, what happened? We hugged and cried a bit lmao. Did you realize anything today? No. What do you want to do today? It'd be nice to get off my ass and get Emerson's birthday pictures into Lightroom so Ashley can finally have them... Can you honestly say you’d risk your life for someone else? I know with certainty I would for some people. Could you forgive a boyfriend or friend who physically hurt you? Ha, nope, byyyyeee~ What’s the cutest thing someone’s ever done for you? Ugh... So one night when I was lying down to go to bed but also texting Jason, I was being playful and joked for him to sing me to sleep. He sent me a video for "The Mortician's Daughter" by Black Veil Brides (one of his favorite bands) and just pasted the lyrics, and I thought it was the cutest fucking thing ever. I went to bed listening to it and just smiling. It's why I just don't listen to it anymore. I shouldn't have even talked about it, soooo next question. What are the top five places you wish you could go before you die? Ummm South Africa, Yellowstone National Park, Germany, Alaska, and the Bahamas, maybe. How many tattoos would you like to have? I'm gonna be a fuckin mural. I want tats pretty much everywhere. What question do you hate to answer? "What do you like to do for fun?" What's your favourite animated or cartoon program? Fullmetal Alchemist. What do you think the greatest invention has been? Electricity. What's your favourite movie quote? I dunno, I don't really have one. Do you prefer digital or analogue clocks? Analogue clocks are way more elegant and can be beautifully decorated. Who is your favorite foreign singer/musician? Do you translate his or her lyrics? If you exclude English-speaking foreign bands, like from the UK, Rammstein for sure. I can translate some of them. Say something in a foreign language? "Liebe" means "love" in German. What is a weather-type that you like that not many others do? Snow, for sure. I've never understood the "ew, snow" type of people. It's so pretty. Granted, it's rare here, so it's more of a treat down here, but still. Who do you know personally that has a nice singing voice? Sara has a beautiful voice. What was the last word you learned? I have no clue, given how bad my memory is becoming... It's hard for me to learn anything nowadays, because it doesn't stick. What is your favorite culture? (that you find most interesting): I'll be honest, I'm not very well-informed on foreign cultures. Due to taking so many classes though, I do find German culture to be quite appealing. They are very serious about honesty (for example, telling someone you're okay when you're not is frowned upon in small talk, even), as well as manners. I would love to experience their lifestyle. Have you ever watched anime porn? I've never watched porn to begin with. If you got paid $3 million to smoke meth one time would you do it? Nope. I'm not risking addiction or death. Are ladybugs cute? Yesssss. Will you leave the house without fragrance on? Yeah, I usually do. Do you make good money doing what you do? I'm unemployed. I've only ever worked minimum wage jobs. What is your favorite fruit? Strawberries, yum. And kiwi. What do you think of horses? I love them! Are you doing something with your life that matters? Ugh, I don't feel like it. Do you like gravy on your mashed potatoes? I hate gravy. What is the dirtiest rap song you have ever heard? Nicole played "WAP" once when I was in the car and I wanted to die. What about a dirty song in any other genre? "Bitches" by Hollywood Undead MIGHT be rap, but idk? What even is their genre???? But anyway, as much as I love the song, it's dirty as shit. What is a genre of music you simply can't stand? Rap, generally. What is, in your opinion, the best way of dealing with a break up? Lots and lots of self-care and focusing on loving yourself and realizing your worth lies in yourself and not another person. What flavor of Doritos do you like best? Cool Ranch, of course. Would you ever go to a comedy club? Yeah, sure. Why is it that photography is becoming a trend? Because it's art, and people enjoy art???????? What is the funniest movie you have ever seen? White Chicks gets me way harder than it should lmao. Would you ever consider dating someone who lived across the country? I guess, so long it was the plan that we'd eventually move in together, and effort was being made to achieve that once we got pretty serious. Do you have a tattoo? If you do, describe the pain you went through when getting it done. Well, I have six, so I'll just talk about my first one, which was on my wrist. It really isn't bad, especially once you've adjusted to the pain. I think the best metaphor would be that it's like lightly pinching a cat scratch. Outlining is the worst part, imo. What is your favorite bookstore? I don't have one. Who was the last person to tell you that you were cute? I have no idea. When was the last time you had a fever? How high did it go? Oh, I couldn't tell you. Those are very rare for me. How many times do you think that you’ve truly been in love before? With who? Twice, with Jason and Sara. Do you prefer French kissing, or regular kissing more, and why? I mean, this depends on the mood as well as how serious we are. Have you ever been married before? How many times? No. Who do you know that gives the best hugs? Summer has always been a big, strong hugger like I am. Have you ever dated someone of the same gender before? Yeah. Who do you consider to be your hero? My mom. Who is your best friend? Tell us about them. Sara. She's a very caring, strong, creative, just overall amazing person who stands firmly for what she feels is right, and we can't forget about her incredible loyalty, nor her absolute adoration for animals, reptiles especially. How much did your car cost? I don't have my own car. What is the last picture you received on your phone of? Sara sent me a photo of Martha, her ball python. Do you have any friends that actually model? No. Do you keep condoms in your room? No, considering I have no reason to. Do you follow any special diet? (dairy free, vegetarian, gluten free etc.) No, but I desperately want to return to being vegetarian. Vegan would be even better, but I know I'm absolutely not capable of that. What is an appliance you don’t have, but would love to have? uhhhhh Which keys on your keyboard are worn out the most? My "a," "s," and "d" from gaming. If you could be any supervillain, which would you be? Ha, I could probably pull off Harley Quinn pretty easily. Though "super"villain sounds a bit strong for her. What’s the most historic thing that has happened in your lifetime? Either Covid or 9/11, probably. What’s the scariest non-horror movie? I personally think the idea behind Johnny Got His Gun is fucking terrifying. What’s the most amazing true story you’ve heard? More beautiful than "amazing," but whatever. I can't think of anything else. Jason's mother actually left his father to go back home to New York when he cheated on her, but he followed her all the way there, and they wound up reconciling and were very happily married since. They were a spectacular couple, and I miss them a lot. What brand are you most loyal to? I have no idea. It's hard to be loyal to any when you're not the one buying products. Where are you not welcome anymore? Well, speaking of him, probably Jason's house, haha... I feel that if I just showed up there, his parents would honestly be super happy to see me and want to catch up, but Jason, not so much. I doubt Colleen would welcome me into her house, either. What’s the most recent show you’ve binge-watched? Avatar: The Last Airbender w/ Sara. What’s a common experience for many people that you’ve never experienced? Just... adult stuff. Paying bills. Having a stable job. Passing their driver's test. What are some misconceptions about your hobby? We'll use forum roleplay here, in which case I know a very common misconception is that it's sexual in nature and is a kink. It's never been that for me. It's about building unique, complex characters in a vast universe of your creativity, meshing with other's. It's a beautiful thing to me. What’s the dumbest thing someone has argued with you about? Oh, I'm sure something with Mom... because she is absolutely never wrong. What’s the longest rabbit hole you’ve been down? Conspiracy theories on YouTube, aha... What odd smell do you really enjoy? I really enjoy the smell of lilacs, though I know people who think they smell too strong and/or just stink. If you had a HUD that showed three stats about any person you looked at, what three stats would you want it to show? Hm, interesting question. Maybe approachability, moral alignment, and mood. What is your favorite flavor of pop tart? I really like the chocolate sundae ones. Gum? I really like fruit-flavored gums, especially watermelon or strawberry. Last song you sang along to? I sang a bit to "Second Chance" by Shinedown. Are you fascinated by rivers? Yeah, sure. Streams, more specifically, because you can see the bottom and walk more safely in them. I love exploring those. Do you live near a volcano? No, and I plan on keeping it that way, haha. How big is the screen on your digital camera? I dunno, the normal size for a Canon? Do you find train whistles comforting? No. What bird is the cutest? Oh, that's so hard. I love the pastel-colored ones, and hummingbirds are like, universally cute. Are you scared to look at your own organs on x-ray or ultrasound? No, that's actually really cool. Do big eyes freak you out? On people? Generally, no. I tend to find them cute, actually, especially on girls, but I've definitely seen people with big eyes that instead look kinda creepy. Have you ever walked on a frozen lake/river? Hm, I'm actually not sure. I don't believe so, though. Have you ever held a real sword? No. Have you ever seen a tree over 100 years old? Uh, realistically, probably? That's not that old in the grand scheme of trees, is it? Do you feel uncomfortable at fancy restaurants? I can sometimes, yes. I feel very out-of-place.