#and i know thats irrational but i was excited for this since JUNE and MINUTES BEFORE I GO its YANKED AWAY FROM ME
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that should be ME putting stickers on bags that was my fucking job for 3 months i bet hes not even happy to be doing that
#i should just stay away from facebook and instagram tomorrow. it fucking hurts to see what shes up to#i have to stop thinking about this stupid fucking event#i put up posters in 4 different towns i painted signs and the entire fucking barn#i made a website and i made cheese and i brainstormed with my boss#where we were gonna put the vendors (where we'd put them if it rained) who was doing what job#would i be in the creamery with her dad or in the barn#well depends on if we have the cows in the barn or in creekside field....#this was our project and its been ripped away from me and everything SUCKS#this is the most depressed ive been since my dog fucking died like its all the same coping mechanisms and mannerisms and everything#slightly different bc i dont necessarily want to kms but i would loooove to be dead rn you feel??#whereas with sam it was like oh ok. my besties gone? well im gonna fuckin go join him#but now its like oh my bestie and this event have been taken from me? gotta skip school at a later date to see her#even though i'll never have this event ever again#maybe next year but it wont be the same. it'll never be the same#im so mad at myself like WHY did my immune system have to fail THIS WEEK#and im pissed at my cousin for contaminating me. as far as im concerned shes never coming within 5ft of me ever again#and i know thats irrational but i was excited for this since JUNE and MINUTES BEFORE I GO its YANKED AWAY FROM ME#oh well time to keep coping well into the night. gotta distract myself so the anguish doesnt consume me#covid post#cant wait to go back to school and people ask me how my weekend was#and i'll get to say that was the closest ive come to killing myself since april 2021. does that answer your question#and then when they feign concern i'll just walk away. call the cops on me i dont fucking care#ill kill us both
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