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#and i went in to assess my mental state to offer an honest evaluation but like. i was okay. genuinely doing okay.
vulpinesaint · 2 years
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meds working is like. finding myself laughing at something. smiling big. crying easy cause i can feel again. anything beautiful or even vaguely sentimental sparks tears and sometimes it's such a ridiculous thing to cry at that i have to laugh again. not remembering the last time i felt really bad when i used to not remember the last time i felt really happy. saying that i'm doing alright and it's a good thing and not another way to say that i'm not doing well. things can be tough but overall i'm alright. things are alright. things are okay. driving with the windows down in late summer is fun and december's early nights are nice, actually, and maybe i just need to get out of bed and shower to feel less icky. i had a rough time today but it's not the end. happiness is not always transcendent. things are alright.
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meditativeyoga · 7 years
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Who Am I? Use The Enneagram With Yoga To Find Your Answer
In a suitable globe, we 'd constantly think as well as act from an area of knowledge and also entirety. Yet in the real life, deep-rooted patterns and characteristic could hinder. Enter the Enneagram, an individuality evaluation that could aid you see what's maintaining you from realizing your most authentic, greatest self. Here's how you can use it, in addition to your yoga exercise technique, to change course.
Coral Brown, a yoga instructor and qualified mental-health therapist in Rhode Island, utilizes the word" co-dependent" to describe her previous enchanting partnership, which lasted more compared to a decade. Yet at the time, she really did not realize she was in such a pattern of over-giving that she was losing herself. While her yoga exercise method helped shine a light on this tendency, Brown claims studying the Enneagram-- a four-decade-old personality-assessment system-- likewise disclosed that it was time to carry on from the partnership. "The Enneagram enabled me to really see my core patterns," claims Brown, "eventually aiding me fulfill my requirements in a much healthier, more aware method than ever in the past."
The name Enneagram comes from the Greek words ennea, a prefix for "nine," and also gramma, suggesting "to draw." The system's symbol is a nine-pointed star, each point representing an unique character type. Most Enneagram professionals concur we are all birthed with one dominant personality kind (or number), which largely identifies just how we discover how to adjust to our environment as well as the people in it. The Enneagram surfaced in the United States in the 1970s, riding the tails of the human-potential motion (think treatment, encounter groups, and also primitive scream). Ever since, therapists, spiritual educators, coaches, or even organisations have made use of the Enneagram as a device to stir authenticity, subject core motivations, and ultimately reduce social conflict. Exactly how can a basic individuality examination do all this?
" There's resistance to transform within all of us, as well as the Enneagram explains just what that resistance has to do with for each people," states Peter O'Hanrahan, a prominent global Enneagram instructor and trainer. "As a result, this system provides you really clear info concerning what you require to work with." To wit, when Brown found out more about her Enneagram number-- a 2-- she was better able to see her core pattern of providing to others to really feel great about herself, which realization gave her a choice: do something concerning her unseen areas, or ignore them. She decided to act. "I left my companion, and I found even more of my own identification in my yoga exercise teaching," states Brown. "I was more aligned with my truer purpose as well as nature."
Susan Piver, author of the reflection guide Start Here Now as well as a meditation educator who leads retreats on the Enneagram, claims the kind of alignment Brownish seasoned is exactly what yoga is about at its core. "The Enneagram will tell us what we could not see regarding ourselves-- our means of being that come from our most damaged selves, which produce confusion because of this," claims Piver. As well as if you want to look at these injuries, which are usually rooted in unexamined pain, you can begin to chart a new, extra authentic course onward, she says. "At a certain point-- particularly if you get on a spiritual course-- you have to do this," Piver says. Keep reading to locate out how.
Self-Inquiry: Who Am I?
The work of the Enneagram begins with finding out your number, which basically represents just how you present yourself to others, where your focus goes when you silent down, as well as just what causes your actions. Piver, for instance, is a 4, which means her chief issue is envy. "Before I understood I was a 4, I utilized to believe that just what I wished for would make me pleased," she says. "Currently, I have the ability to see the hoping itself as an indication that I'm uncertain, unhappy, or pain, and also that I can turn my focus within instead of seeking something outside. This assists me notice when I need to take better care of myself."
In enhancement to disclosing adverse patterns and deep injuries, the Enneagram likewise highlights your best toughness. As an example, when Piver's envy is brought right into equilibrium, it ends up being the much more developed variation of itself: equanimity. "Envy as well as equanimity get on a continuum," she says. As well as these continuums exist for every one of the numbers, which means that on a regular basis looking for balance in between your strengths as well as blind places is the essential to living a much more straightened, genuine life.
Even better, all of this self-reflection comes with boosted communication with other individuals. That's why Piver calls the Enneagram an upaya, Sanskrit for "experienced methods." While she warns against utilizing the system to label somebody, she says it can be a valuable device to browse interaction blocks. For instance: "My companion is a One, as well as Ones are focused on right and also incorrect," claims Piver. "I'm a 4, and also Fours are concentrated on significance. If we enter a debate, I intend to talk and also comprehend, but I can not do that with him until I acknowledge what went wrong-- that I see where the bad move happened. That is very beneficial to him because everything in him desires to get to the base of the right and wrong in order to fix it." As soon as Piver's companion's needs have actually been dealt with, they could then have the kind of conversation that also functions for her.
Ultimately, the Enneagram could aid us release the limited hold we have on our variation of points. "It's difficult to recognize an individual's make-up when you are only looking at it with your very own lens," states Piver. "But suppose you were told, 'Below are 9 lenses-- which one do you think he or she is browsing?' It provides you a means to allow go of expectations to ensure that an extra real exchange can transpire. It produces concern."
Put the Enneagram Into Practice
Yoga provides the ideal training school to check out the subtleties of your Enneagram kind. When you recognize your number, you can begin to make use of the Enneagram to allow remove just what Patanjali called the "layers as well as blemishes hiding truth." "It's an extraordinary companion [to yoga exercise] that covers area yoga exercise doesn't deal with," says Michael Cohen, owner of the Kirtan Leader Institute and also a qualified Enneagram expert. "Yoga talks in wide terms regarding how you can transcend our restrictions, the Enneagram provides unbelievable detail regarding what that means." For instance, each number has an equivalent somatic pattern. "For Fives, Sixes, and also Sevens, postures that bring power to the lower body as well as the feet are crucial due to the fact that these types have the tendency to leave their bodies by increasing into their heads," claims O'Hanrahan. As soon as you know your kind's patterns, he says, you could personalize your yoga exercise method to sustain the job you're doing to leave your old grooves (or samskaras, in Sanskrit) and develop new ones that offer you better.
To that end, Brown has actually matched a posture with each Enneagram number to highlight both the challenges as well as the possibilities for that number. Establish your type, after that utilize your position and also mantra to proceed your self-inquiry so that just how you do asana reflects just how you do you-- with stired up quality and compassion.
Discover Your Enneagram Number
The 9 numbers, or personality kinds, of the Enneagram each have corresponding top qualities. To establish your number, checked out every one's specifying attributes and also essential inspirations here, then see which number resonates most highly for you. (Remember that we have elements of all nine kinds inside us, though we have a tendency to have even more of one type than the others.) With an open mind and an investigatory spirit, simply discover exactly what resonates most.
1. The Reformer
Defining traits:
Principle, purpose, self-discipline, as well as perfectionism
Key motivations:
To be right, to strive for higher things
Basic fear:
Being corrupt, evil, defective
At their best:
Ones are diligent as well as honest, with a strong sense of right and incorrect. They are teachers and also supporters for adjustment, always striving to boost things.
At their worst:
Ones are worried of making an error, they could get on being critical and perfectionistic, and also have a tendency to fight with animosity and also impatience.
2. The Helper
Defining traits:
Generosity, people pleasing, as well as possessiveness
Key motivations:
To be loved, needed, as well as appreciated, to vindicate their insurance claims about themselves
Basic fear:
Being unworthy of love
At their best:
Twos are understanding, providing, as well as owned to be close to others.
At their worst:
Twos can slip into doing points for others simply to feel required. They generally have issues with possessiveness as well as recognizing their very own needs.
3. The Achiever
Defining traits:
Adaptability, need to excel, as well as picture- consciousness
Key motivations:
To differentiate themselves from others, to be appreciated, to thrill others
Basic fear:
Being worthless
At their best:
Threes are self-accepting, genuine, and good example who inspire.
At their worst:
Threes could be overly interested in their image and just what others think about them, they normally have troubles with workaholism and also competitiveness.
4. The Individualist
Defining traits:
Expressiveness, drama, self-absorption
Key motivations:
To create and border themselves with appeal, and also to care for psychological demands before attending to anything else
Basic fear:
Having no identity
At their best:
Fours are very imaginative, self-aware, delicate, as well as reserved.
At their worst:
Fours can be moody as well as self-conscious. They normally have issues with sorrowful, self-pity, as well as self-indulgence.
5. The Investigator
Defining traits:
Perceptiveness, innovation, and isolation
Key motivations:
To possess expertise, to have whatever figured out as a way of resisting risks from their surroundings
Basic fear:
Being helpless or incapable
At their best:
Fives are visionary leaders, typically ahead of their time, and also able to see the globe in an entirely brand-new way.
At their worst:
Fives could end up being removed. They typically have troubles with eccentricity, nihilism, as well as isolation.
6. The Loyalist
Defining traits:
Responsibility, stress and anxiety, and suspicion
Key motivations:
To feel supported by others, to check the perspectives of others toward them
Basic fear:
Lack of security or guidance
At their best:
Sixes have a tendency to be steady, self-reliant, as well as trustworthy. They predict issues as well as foster cooperation.
At their worst:
Sixes could be indecisive, responsive, and defiant. They could also come to be defensive and evasive, as well as handle self-doubt and suspicion of others.
7. The Enthusiast
Defining traits:
Spontaneity, adaptability, as well as scatteredness
Key motivations:
To maintain their freedom as well as joy, to prevent missing out on rewarding experiences
Basic fear:
Being deprived and in pain
At their best:
Sevens are extroverted and also practical. They focus their skills on coming to be wondrous and satisfied.
At their worst:
Sevens could end up being sidetracked and exhausted by remaining on the go, they normally have issues with rashness and impulsivity.
8. The Challenger
Defining traits:
Decisiveness, positive self-image, willfulness
Key motivations:
To be autonomous and essential in the world
Basic fear:
Being controlled by others
At their best:
Eights are self-mastering, and use their stamina to enhance others' lives. They are self-confident and also decisive.
At their worst:
Eights could be egocentric and also autocratic. At times, they feel they must control individuals around them, in some cases becoming confrontational. They can have problems with their temper as well as showing vulnerability.
9. The Peacemaker
Defining traits:
Receptivity, reassuringness, complacency
Key motivations:
To produce harmony, to maintain things as they are
Basic fear:
Loss and separation
At their best:
Nines are able to bring individuals with each other and recover conflicts. They are approving, trusting, and also steady, they are typically imaginative, confident, and supportive.
At their worst:
Nines could be too going to go along with others to keep the peace. They want everything to go smoothly, as well as so could additionally be contented. They may have problems with inertia as well as stubbornness.
NEXT: The most effective Yoga exercise Posture For Your Enneagram Number
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gyrlversion · 6 years
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Ex-Big Brother Caroline Wharram should not have been allowed on show
Any suicide is a tragedy, so the two deaths linked to the reality show Love Island should shock me. But the awful truth is this: I’m not surprised at all.
It is seven years since I appeared on the 13th series of Channel 5’s Big Brother, and in that time, I’ve become ever-more convinced that the type of person who wants to hand themselves over to a TV production team is especially vulnerable.
I know quite a few people who’ve appeared on shows like this, and they all have a horrible story to tell.
They’ve become alcoholics, turned to drugs, lost themselves to depression or anxiety, developed eating disorders or pursued obsessive, attention-seeking behaviour on social media.
Caroline Wharram struggling to cope in the Big Brother diary room during her time on the show in 2012
Of course, these tendencies existed before – the problems weren’t created by programme makers, but they were certainly made worse.
The toxic nature of reality TV, the manipulation by producers who are little more than puppeteers, and the instant, snarling effects of fame, can have a devastating effect.
It is a world of self-obsession driven by insecurity – and I should know. It happened to me.
I was an anxious, lonely and sad young girl with a crippling eating disorder and a family history of mental health problems when, at the age of 19, I applied to join Big Brother 2012.
What then took place could – and should – have been predicted.
I crumbled in front of the nation, exhibiting increasingly erratic behaviour. Then, excruciatingly, I was branded a racist after referring to a fellow contestant as a gorilla.
The four years that followed were among the worst of my life as I struggled to rebuild my shattered world.
How I passed the psychological assessments to get on the show continues to baffle me. I should never have been allowed on. And yet, staggeringly, I was. I can only conclude the producers just didn’t care so long as I was entertaining.
I have wonderful, supportive parents and enjoyed an upbringing that most people would call privileged, including a place at a private boarding school in Surrey.
Since the age of nine, however, I had suffered chronic anxiety.
I’m quite academic and had ambitions to be a writer, I’d dropped out of my university degree – after failing to attend a single lecture for six weeks.
Instead, I spent the time in the comfort of my student bedroom, alone, eating masses of food while crying and obsessively weighing myself. I was an anxious, paranoid mess.
None of my peers suspected a thing. When they saw me, I exuded confidence and charisma. I was so good at hiding my misery that when, in January 2012, Big Brother held auditions for a new series, a fellow student told me I’d be perfect because of how ‘wild and fun’ I was. I lapped up her advice.
But today, pictured with her dog Theo, she says: ‘I’ve come through it and am genuinely happy. At weekends, I enjoy walking my dog and writing’
Today it sounds incomprehensible, but I genuinely believed that appearing on television would answer all my problems. I thought it would open a door into a world of celebrity parties, boys, popularity and fame – things I coveted.
More importantly, I could prove to everyone, including myself, that I was the carefree party girl I had always wanted to be. It felt like my happiness depended on getting on that show.
I queued for hours at Wembley Stadium, where the auditions took place among thousands of hopefuls. And I was pleased to find the producers wanted to talk to me, zoning in on my ‘posh’ accent. In fact, it was all they cared about.
A few months later, after more interviews, I was called in for a psychological assessment.
Yet, in my view, the programme makers had little interest in assessing my mental suitability. They failed, for example, to ask me a single question about any mental health problems I might have had.
They didn’t ask whey I’d left university, why I wanted to go on TV or what I thought it would provide for me.
Would I have been honest had they asked these things? Would I have jeopardised my chances of appearing on the show? Probably not. But to me it remains mind-boggling that even the basics were ignored.
‘You’re thick skinned,’ I was told. ‘You don’t care what people think.’ It was so inaccurate I could have laughed. When, finally, the producers told me I’d been successful, I’d never felt so appreciated, so confident and so completely understood.
My parents, though, were devastated. They warned me I wasn’t strong enough, that it would ruin my chances of a career and that the broadcast footage would be manipulated. I didn’t care.
Sure enough, the anxiety and depression returned almost as soon as I entered the Big Brother house.
My behaviour was bizarre. I was eating entire pots of Nutella with a spoon in the morning. At one point, I stuck a toothbrush down my throat to make myself sick in clear view of the cameras. No one on the production team asked if anything might be wrong, or if I needed to speak to someone. Yet, the producers were all too eager to pay attention when I made a casual and thoughtless comment likening another contestant – who was black – to a gorilla.
It was unacceptable, yes. I was perturbed by the fact that he had spent time in prison for robbing elderly ladies and holding them at gunpoint.
But, however stupid I had been, the remark was not intended to be malicious.
The producers, meanwhile, were delighted and played it repeatedly on adverts and on the spin-off show.
After that, I could hear the crowds shouting their hatred for me at each eviction, and I started to hate myself so much that I believed they might be right.
During the week leading up to my departure, the binge-eating escalated. I was crying every day. I couldn’t sleep. My heart palpitations were unbearable. Still there was no offer of psychological help.
When, after seven weeks inside, I was propelled in front of the booing crowds, I was completely unprepared. I was so unwell, in fact, that I couldn’t answer the most basic questions as I was interviewed on live TV.
My attention span had diminished. People assumed I was under the influence of alcohol or drugs.
Next, I was ushered into a meeting with someone from the ‘care team’, but no one mentioned that I’d gained two stone in seven weeks, that my behaviour was extremely odd, or that I was now a public hate-figure. Instead, they said: ‘You’ve provided us with so much entertainment.’ A pile of articles featuring my name was thrown at me. Then, that was it.
After three days of interviews, I was released back into the real world to fend for myself. It would be months before I heard from the programme makers again.
And now I became completely reckless and wild, attending all-night parties, drinking so much I was barred from three nightclubs.
Hoping to prove that I’d risen above the abuse I was receiving on social media, I started re-tweeting the death threats that flowed in.
In private, however, I was in a dark place where nothing mattered, where I would cry hysterically into a pillow. Each day I took enough laxatives to give me crippling stomach cramps. My eyes were bloodshot, my cheeks marked with burst blood vessels.
There was one follow-up meeting with the Big Brother care team, six months later. I acted extraordinarily, yet still nothing was said.
I went back to university but was thrown out as I couldn’t stop interrupting lectures.
I was still living in a fantasy world where I was watched by 44 cameras and five million viewers.
Relations with my parents took a turn for the worse when, at my 21st birthday party, I vomited over the dinner table and passed out. Any chance of rebuilding a normal life had gone.
Online footage from the show was all over the internet, portraying me as a crazy person even though I was clearly unwell. My reputation meant there was no prospect of a job.
I called the production team and begged them to delete the clips. But the woman on the other end of the line said: ‘Nothing has changed. You have always been that person. That is just who you are.’
Huge changes are needed if we are to continue broadcasting reality shows without ruining yet more young lives or devastating families. The programme makers must ensure their ‘care teams’ work in the interests of the vulnerable applicants, for example, instead of serving the interests of the producers.
The psychiatrists and health experts should be truly independent of the production companies.
Psychological assessments must involve a thorough examination of contestants’ mental state and their emotional history.
I’m convinced people who want to go on reality shows are, in fact, the last people who should appear on TV because they’re so insecure, so much in need of validation. Those brave enough to take part must be reminded – and often – that they are free to leave. Today I’ve come through it and am genuinely happy. At weekends, I enjoy walking my dog and writing. I am incredibly grateful to those who have stuck by me. But it could have been so different. Had my parents not been there to pick up the pieces, I dread to think where I would be now – if anywhere at all.
This exploitation has to end.
l In a statement, Big Brother production company Endemol Shine said: ‘We do not recognise Caroline’s account of our support processes. Big Brother has always taken contributor welfare extremely seriously and had a robust assessment and welfare system in place.
‘All contributors were thoroughly assessed by an independent psychiatrist and a psychologist before being considered for the show and a thorough evaluation of a potential housemates’ health and medical history taken into consideration.
‘A team dedicated to contributor welfare, including mental health experts, was on hand to support housemates both during and after transmission.’
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