#which. huh.

[vulpinesaint]

meds working is like. finding myself laughing at something. smiling big. crying easy cause i can feel again. anything beautiful or even vaguely sentimental sparks tears and sometimes it's such a ridiculous thing to cry at that i have to laugh again. not remembering the last time i felt really bad when i used to not remember the last time i felt really happy. saying that i'm doing alright and it's a good thing and not another way to say that i'm not doing well. things can be tough but overall i'm alright. things are alright. things are okay. driving with the windows down in late summer is fun and december's early nights are nice, actually, and maybe i just need to get out of bed and shower to feel less icky. i had a rough time today but it's not the end. happiness is not always transcendent. things are alright.

[trans-cuchulainn]

as an aroace person with limited sexual experience, no interest in watching porn, and poor sex ed as a teen, there IS something simultaneously funny and vaguely tragic about being 28 adult years old and realising how extremely tiny your frame of reference is for genitalia and deciding you should expand this to better understand bodies (yours and others). and then you're just there like "okay so what the fuck do I even google right now, anyway"

[coffee-scrub]

Mia would have some choice words on Phoenix’s taste in men

Bonus:

[bunnieswithknives]

You made a little mess there bud

[aq2003]

grog's favorite color (x)

[inkskinned]

before you know about women, you hear that you do not need to love the man, just that you need to love him through his manhood. which is to say you have seen the future painted in lamb's blood over your eyes - how your mother shoots you a look about your father's inability to cook right. how your aunt holds her wineglass and says i'm gonna kill em. men, right! how your best friend bickers with her boyfriend, how she says i can't help it. i come back to him.

you learn: men are gonna cheat. men aren't going to listen when you're talking, because you're nagging. men think emotions are stupid. they think your life is vapid and your hobbies are embarrassing. men will slam things, but that's because men are allowed to be angry. if you get loud, you're hysterical. if a man gets loud - well, men are animals, men are dogs, men can't control their hands or their eyes or their bodies. they're going to make a snide comment about you in the locker room, about your body, about how you're so fucking annoying. you're going to give him kids, and he will give you the money for the kids, and you're going to be running the house 24/7 - but he gets to relax after a long day, because his job is stressful. the man is on stage, and is a comedian, and says "women!"

and you are supposed to love that. you are supposed to love men through how horrible they are to you - because that's what women do. that's what good women do. wife material. your father even told you once - it'll make sense when you're older. it was like staring down a very lonely tunnel.

it feels like something's caught in your throat, but it's all you know, so. it's okay that you see sex as a necessary tool, a sort of okay-enough ritual to keep him happy, even though he doesn't seem to care about happiness as-applied-to you. it is relationship upkeep. it is kissing him and smiling even though he didn't brush his teeth. it is getting on your knees and looking up and holding back a sigh because he barely holds you as you panic through the night. it's not like the sex is bad and you do like feeling wanted. and besides! he's a man! like... they're another species. you'll never be able to actually communicate, right. he isn't listening.

you just don't get it. you don't feel that sense of i'm gonna climb him like a tree. mostly it just feels fucking exhausting. you play the part perfectly. you smile and nod and are "effortlessly" charming. and it's fine! it's alright! you even love him, if you're looking. you could have good life, and a good family, and perfectly happy.

in the late night you google: am i broken. you google i'm not attracted to my husband. you google i get turned on by books but not by him. you google how to get better in bed.

the first time he yells at you, it almost feels like blankness. like - of course this is happening. this is always how it was going to end up. men get angry, and they yell, and you sit there in silence.

you mention it to your friend - just the once - while you're drunk. she shrugs and says it's like that with me too, i just try to forget and move on. men are always gonna hear what they want to. pick your battles and say sorry even though he's in the wrong. you play solitaire online for a month. you go to your therapist appointment and preach about how you're both so in love.

after all, you have a future to want. nobody lied about it - how many instagram posts say marriage is hard. say real love takes work. say we fight like cats and dogs but the best part is that we always make up. how many of your friends say happy anniversary to the best and worst thing to ever happen to me. if you really loved him - loved yourself too - you'd accept that men are just different from you.

the first time she kisses you, it's on a dare at a party. something large and terrifying whips through your body. you wake up sweating from dreams where her mouth is encrusted with pearls and you pick them off one by one with your teeth. fuck. you sit at the computer and your almost-finished game of sim city. you think about your potential perfect life and your potential future family. you google am i gay quiz with your little hands shaking.

you delete each letter slowly. you don't need to love him. you just need to keep going.

[lucabyte]

"So what's the weirdest possible first (second) impression Loop could make on the party in postcanon?" "Yeah, that, probably."

+ Bonus

theyre just standing there in direct party order while this happens. normal tuesday.

[rottingraisins]

[valtsv]

[salamispots]

drew some creatures at the amnh :0

[inumbrapugnabimus-maybe]

Yes Wind! Castle Town would be great place for a lake :D

From this post of @crazylittlejester’s!!

[kaffkanya]

it makes me sick to my stomach thinking about how spock — touch telepath, by the way — touches jim and accepts his touch so freely, almost without hesitation, but denies touch from others. like, okay, you can argue he has his cool vulcan telepathic shields on all the time, but, surely, surely, he can feel jim's mind buzzing, electric and agitated, brushing against his own. like humans brush hands with the one they like.

and he shouldn't think about it, but maybe he does. maybe in the quietness and stillness of his meditation, he feels the ghost of jim's psychic, burning, tingling. like lips feel hours later after a kiss. the memory of it.

but then, he's sure jim isn't even aware of all this. so he keeps touching him and letting himself be touched. and it could mean nothing.

[egophiliac]

his magic is so PINK and FLUFFY and PRETTY! I love it!

I'm ready to process the Diasomnias now, buckle up

[licollisa]

Misc stuff. Mentally ill for them fish meat...

[cactus-juiceee]

epilogue

[swedenis-h]

A new light