#and i'd seen it like... 12 years ago but she hadn't

[vwritesaus]

it's thinking about rob mills's fiyero again hours boys....

[theprenderelliepalace]

Damon Salvatore x fem!reader

Perception

Summary: Y/N drops some books off at the Salvatore residence, she expects to find trouble, being the odd one out and everything, she doesn't expect his name to be Damon Salvatore.

Warnings: For mature Audiences, themes of assault, drunk Damon (well isn't that new? Said no one ever.), uh, does a 'takes no shit' !reader count as a trigger?, Elena being a mysterious plot point

Words: 1.7k

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I watched Elena Gilbert make this weird expression at me... Caroline was saying something stupid, Bonnie was arguing with that judgemental gleam in her hazel eyes, but what caught my attention, was that foreboding purse of Elena's lips. The furrow of her flawless brow, the way her eyes sparked with something that scared me. It was almost hidden, she smiled wryly in my direction. Her eyes like daggers that penetrated my skull, it made me shiver; as I felt like I had been stripped bare of anything that belonged to me in that moment. Any ground or loyalty I had in our friend-group, I knew was gone, with the flick of Elena's hair behind her shoulder- my other friends hadn't even realised yet, but they would. Come morning I would be a stranger, even to my closest friends since kindergarten. I would be on the fringe of everything I used to know.

I was 12 when I stopped hanging out with the most popular girls in Mystic Falls. Strangley, I never regretted that day. What I had seen in my closest friend, that unexplainable glint about her that still gave me nightmares, had opened my eyes to something dark in the shitty little town I'd spent my entire life in. I said I'd never regretted that day, that was until the vampires came...

~~~~~

"Yes Care, i will be there before dark." I pinched the bridge of my nose, willing the annoying voice on the other end of the line to go bother someone else. "No, I did not tell Stefan." I responded dryly. Elena was in danger, yet again. Klaus was on the prowl, for the daggers, for Elena's blood, for all of us... And Caroline was bugging me about my communication skills. "Well seeing as I'm dropping these old spellbooks for Bonnie at the boarding house, I figure, 'Hey, why not kill two vampires with one study session from hell." I groaned internally as Caroline got heated over the phone. I slammed the back door to my dad's old Toyota corolla, opening the drivers side and collapsing into the leather seat. "Then take it up with someone who cares Caroline. Sorry, I'm driving through a tunnel, on an airplane, while hanging up the phone."

I can't even remember what I did with my phone, all I know is that I started my engine and reversed out of my driveway, heading for the outskirts of the town and towards the infamous Salvatore residence.

It had been 4 goddamm years since I called those girls my friends. I had seen an entire 'nother leap year, in the time it took for these bitches to deem me useful. I travled with my mom, Rome, Paris, India, Africa. I would've gotten my high-school diploma six months ago, if I hadn't had to move back to this ancient cesspool of a town.

And don't misunderstand me, that is the time it took for my life to go to crap. Vampires, the Salvatore Brothers, Elena... I shuddered in my seat, clenching my hands around the wheel as I thought about her.

I was so lost in my thoughts, that I jumped when I reached the boarding house. It was tall and looming, with an ominous darkness catching the corner of my eye. I sighed as I parked, readying myself for the chaos of the two people I despised more than Mystic High's Queen Bee. You see, in the last 6 months I had discovered something about myself, I was perceptive. Yes, I have always been a little more aware than perhaps usual, but it was more than that. I was something supernatural, I didn't know what but I did know that I could see magic, hear a vampires nearly imperceptible heartbeat and feel the forces of nature that others couldn't even dream about.

It was strange, knowing you could see other people when they never expected to be seen at all. I could read their faces, know their tells, pick apart their lies. It was why I was suddenly on the Mystic Falls supernatural hit-teams most wanted list. I could see. I scoffed as I pulled the back door of my car open. Heaving the heavy books into my arms, shifing my weight into my lower back as I ambled up the porch steps to the front door. If all these people needed me for was my sight, then these assholes should really get their eyes checked.

The door was already open, I ducked in sideways, trying to keep my balance while toppling books inched out of my grip. "Let me take those off your hands." I audibly groaned, the voice that assaulted my ears was silky smooth, like fine wine pouring into my ears.

"Damon, look what the bat dragged in." I couldn't see him over the pile of scripts and dusty memoirs of old witches, but I could hear his stupid smirk as he took the pile away from me.

"Still as snarky as ever Y/N. Didn't your mummy ever teach you to be nice to charming men who carry your books?" Anyone else wouldn't have noticed the foe-disdain in his voice, or the slight quicking pace in his pulse, of course, I'm not anyone else.

"Oh! That's what the karate classes were for." I looked at him now, this tall,brooding, Greek God of a man was attracted to me. Stupid I know. That's what I thought too, but I've never been wrong. Especially not since I came into my powers. Normally I would take the shot, go for it, but I had no chance. He was in love with his brothers girlfriend, a stupider decision if you ask me.

"Glad I've only ever seen you in action once or twice then." He smirked. I walked past him and into the living room. The fire was roaring, as I often found it was when Damon was alone on a Thrusday through Sunday afternoon. Where he was the rest of the time, I hadn't had the stomach to ask. I laughed unconvincingly.

"Didn't I almost shoot you in the face when you first tried to use me as a human pincushion?" He set the books down with a thud on the ornate coffee table. I set mine down with a far greater deal of grace. He frowned at me.

"Details, details. Besides," He took a step towards me, he smelled like alcohol and something else..."the way to a vampire, is always through his heart." He grabbed my hand, gently at first, clinging onto it as I tried to pull away. He made me touch his chest, it was firm and rising jaggedly with air he didn't need.

I glared at him. "You're drunk. Go leech on something else," i paused "leech." He laughed, it sent shivers down my spine, his eyes were deadly and cold. He pulled me flush against him. I wasn't unused to this radical "Damon Behavior", but there was something wild about his eyes. Something needy. To be honest, maybe I was needy too.

"Someone should teach you manners little lady." Or maybe not. I timed it perfectly, jutting my elbow out from between us into his diaphragm, he caught my arm, blocking it and shifting my upper body to the right. His lips found my ear, his breath tickled as he whispered into my hair. "One day that mouth of yours will bite off more than those pretty little lips can chew.

"Someone should teach you the modern cure for the insufferable womanizer." I spat. Then suddenly- I was on the couch, the fire crackled so loudly in my ears I thought my head would explode. Damon was leaning over me. His ebony hair feathered against his forehead, his lips were inches from mine, our breath mingled into each other. I felt his body become hotter above me, it was almost startling compared to his cool demeanor at the door. "Damon, please. Use at least one brain cell to think about this stupid decision you're making-"

He cut me off, "See that's the thing Y/N, you talk to me with that foul little mouth of yours and think it's okay. No one talks to me like that." For the first time in an agonizing ten minutes he looked away from me. "I never let anyone talk to me like that. But its like this-" if we had been having this conversation like normal people, I would've smiled at the hint of Italian in his accent. "I do let you. You drive me crazy. I hate you for that."

I tensed. "Well people who hate each other don't treat one another like this. So one of us is lying." I don't know if I knew who was lying to themselves between the both of us, but maybe that would give me enough of a chance to distract him and then-

And then he was kissing me. It was deep and firey. He moaned against my lips as he parted them with his tongue, his grip around my waist tightened as he explored my mouth. It all happened so quickly, I barely began to understand what was happening before "I don't like lying Y/N."

What the hell was that?

He bolted away from me and was on the other side of the room so fast he was only a blur. He started to say something, probably to shout at me in his drunken stupor, but I was quicker- "Did you say that out-loud?" I asked, I was breathless and disgusted and fascinated all in the span of 5 seconds.

He made a face at me. "The hell, "did I say that?" He mocked my question,he was agitated, borderline disbelieving. "I was in the middle of kissing you, moron. I did not say that. What the hell did you do?" He held his arms close to his chest, obviously he felt as violated as I did. I scowled at him.

"Then, moron, did you think it?" He looked at me with big, blue, question- filled eyes.

"I-"

"Y/N?" Shit, Bonnie, i glanced to the door. I turned back to the fireplace and the leather-clad, bad boy vampire was gone. I pinched the bridge of my nose... worst timing ever Bonnie Bennet...

What the hell just happened?

☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆

Ta-da! Ooo la, la... I'm a sucker (haha, get it?) for mystery and suspense.

Did you like the little nudge towards something Elena related, without having to deal with like, Elena..?

But chill, there will be a little bit of everything for all you shippers.

I don't know where I'm going to take this story yet, so feel free to Ask, or request or whatever and maybe things will turn in your favour... :0

Read pt 2 here: Read part 3 here:

Masterlist

[thesweetnessofspring]

Why don't you like swift? Is it her specifically?

I love how making tags in one random post has gotten me this ask, because like, in general my stance is to ignore her and not talk about it, use my tumblr filters and whatnot to ignore her existence the best I can. But I'm getting asked so here's my answer. I'm going fully honest with this because someone asked me to, so if this pop star is your idol, ignore this and dni. It's just my opinion and arguing with me will only entrench my hatred deeper, as evidenced by my past experience with her fans. Also this is hella long, so fair warning.

There are a lot of reasons why I hate that singer. Some range from my own adolescent dramatics to bad interactions with her fans to just really not being into celebrity culture and therefore her whole persona/existence. I also want to say that everything I know about Swift I've learned against my will, so some of this information may be incomplete, but I don't feel the need to look up details about her. If I could, I would never have to hear about her or her music ever again.

I don't like her music. I actually really despise it and have since she got popular when I was in high school. Now I've come to realize if I hate a piece of media, it usually either did an injustice to something I love (like the Ella Enchanted movie) or it's something I didn't like but it became inescapable. Swift mostly falls into the latter. I know people have been trying to take back "cringe" but I can't help it. When I have to hear Swift's music, I CRINGE and I have since high school. Love Story was the stupidest """story""" to me with huge plotholes. You Belong With Me was incredibly entitled and I still side with cheerleader girl in that one, like that is HER boyfriend who HE chose to date. In general, all of her music (that I heard) in those early years were girl-crying-over-useless-boy and that annoyed me to the high heavens. And I think my dislike turned to hatred when I was told that since I was a girl, I HAD to like her, that she was SOOOOO relatable to teenage girls when my life experience was nothing like hers. And her music being all over the radio, school, my social settings, etc. did not help.

And the thing is, I've heard songs/seen lyrics of hers that I didn't know were hers and I still hated them/thought they were cringe. Like I remember when "We Are Never Getting Back Together" came out. I heard it on the radio and thought "who is this new wanna-be Avril Lavigne?? She sucks!" And then the DJ said it was Swift's new song. 💀 A few months ago I was driving my parents to the airport with their car and a song comes on their radio I hadn't heard before, and I immediately think "ugh this song sucks" and then by the chorus I realized it was a Swift song. Even with her new album, when I saw the first meme for that "you wouldn't last an hour in the asylum where they raised me" I thought it was an old meme I'd missed and had originated from like, some cringey 12-year-old on Vine or something. Only to find out a grown-ass woman in her 30s who's likely never stepped foot in a psychiatric unit wrote it, which explained how utterly stupid that line is. All of that to say, even when blind, I hate her music. The one (1) exception to that is Blank Space. That one for some reason, I do find catchy. My obsessed cousin got me to listen to Folklore and I didn't HATE that, but I thought it was hella boring. She's either cringe or boring and mediocre and I think at this point, you have to be a fan of her persona to like her music because that's really all I hear her fans talk about. Not the songs themselves, but how they're about her/her life. Or their blorbos.

I think Swift is a spoiled, entitled, privileged white girl who likes to bask in any slight done to her and blow it up like it's the worst injustice done to any human being. She lacks a true core other than being obsessed with herself, her image, and her fame, and chases trending aesthetics instead of finding something real and authentic to her. Authenticity is really important to me. I really can enjoy things other people think of a "cringey" if it's authentic to the creator, but the only thing authentic to Swift is her martyr complex. She borrows aethetics and throws them off easily, never truly mastering any of the genres she stumbles into as a costume instead of an authentic artistic expression. Everything she does is half-baked.

And that's not to say that the press and people online haven't been nasty. That stuff with the deepfake AI rape-porn was horrendous and she doesn't deserve that. Nor did her body being scrutinized as a teenager (or ever). But she got offended by a TV show joking about her having had a lot of boyfriends (which is true!) and as a result, a black actress who was delivering the lines someone else wrote got harassed online. Like what an absolute LOSER. She's a billionaire and the most popular pop star currently alive, and some rando Netflix show has her panties in a twist to the point where she sics her stans to bully an actress??

I'll give Swift this: she is very good at parasocial relationships (to an exploitive degree, imo) and PR. She's turned feminism into her own "you're misogynist if you attack ME!!!!! Like who cares about poor women or women in countries that mine has colonized or abused women or exploited women, anyone who attacks MEEEEE is the worst misogynist around!!!!!" Ugh. And I'm not going to lie, when 1989 came out and I was getting more into feminism I fell for this narrative of hers until her "Bad Blood" music video came out and it struck me how she was a bully. From what I heard, the beef was that Katy Perry "stole" her dancers and TS responded by making a whole music video with some of the biggest female celebrities to show off how everyone was in her corner. Then I thought...oh...she literally doesn't care about feminism (blatantly attacking another woman for something really minor) she only cares about herself!! And I got on the hate-train again. I still think she uses her power to bully other people/keep them in line about her and I swear if I were a man in Hollywood/entertainment, I would never date that woman.

She's certainly not the worst celebrity around. And also, I think to some extent, celebrities who have achieved even half the fame Swift has is likely somewhat conceited and self-centered. Anyone I'm a fan of, I'm a fan of their work first, and if they seem nice then that's a plus, but I also don't bank of them to be perfect, as long as they don't cross over into abusing others. And I don't think (from what I've been forced to know) that Swift is an abuser. Swift reminds me more of that friend-of-a-friend that makes every gathering about her and is fake-nice to you to gather information about you so she can hold it over you socially. If that makes sense.

And also some of her fans have always just been really pushy and annoying. I'm not going to act like I never threw a little temper tantrum in high school when Love Story came on or anything, but I've had my fair share of her fans as roommates and friends and I've really tried to be polite with them a least since college when I'd gotten a little more mature. Two stories really did me in, though: once in college I went on a roadtrip with a friend. We were going to be going through an area with bad radio signals and when that happened we got out the CDs. She suggested the Red album. I politely said I didn't care for Swift, and pointed out another one of her CDs of band I did like. She told me I didn't like Swift because I only heard her stuff on the radio, reached over while she was driving and pulled out the CD and put it in. I didn't want to start some sort of fight trying to get the CD out while she was driving and had to listen to that CD. This friend was trying really hard to get me to like her, but I was just so pissed she hadn't listened to me and I was trapped in there. Halfway through I asked to change it, thinking okay, it's been like 20 minutes, but no, she insisted I'd like the songs in the last half (I didn't, obviously). I also in college had my "golden" birthday and decided to throw a huge party. My roommates and one of our joint friends at the time were big into Swift. They were helping me put it together and I asked that the music they play not be a) violent toward women or b) any of Swift's music. They got the first part but then put all of the "danceable" songs of her newest album at the time on my birthday playlist. Like, not one song. At least five songs. Because they wanted it. All of the other parties and gatherings I clenched my teeth and told myself to get through it, but seriously, my own birthday party they ignored my very simple request because "it's not a party without Taylor!" I literally left my own party until the songs switched. And when I asked them to take any other of her songs off, they didn't. So. Yeah. Even though that was over a decade ago now, it doesn't help my Pavlovian response to her songs or her voice.

I just really don't think she's talented at singing, dancing, acting, or songwriting and seeing all of her everywhere is just SO MUCH.

[invinciblerodent]

Honestly i want to start playing DAO and then go up by release from there till the new one cause it all looks so nice and enjoyable but i haven't even started and i keep hearing about the fandom being the worst of the worst and people actually got truamtized from it im genuinely scared... Im only so new to this gaming fandom thing it started with bg3 and sims 4 and stardew valley for me lol everytime i want to install DAO Tumblr shows me a post about the toxicity of the fandom like its fate herself trying to warn me not to go there lmao

Oh babe, don't worry, really!!!! I'm sorry if I made it sound bad earlier lol, it's... well, it's no worse than regular fandom drama I reckon, it's just the one I'm familiar with, and one that's been around a very, very, very long time. The kind of toxicity there is, I genuinely do not think it is any worse than any other fandom's, it's just kind of what happens to every petri dish if you leave it alone for ten years: turns into something of a meme. But if you follow nice people, and stay out of the tags (as is recommended for every fandom tbh), I don't think you have anything specific to worry about.

I'd be DELIGHTED to see more people feel inspired to pick up Origins, partly because I'm a huge believer of art preservation, and think that old games, old books, and old movies alike deserve to be seen/read/played and enjoyed- in part to be able to appreciate what we have now, in part to see where exactly we came from, and in part to see how things have changed. I think that kind of context is necessary for any meaningful commentary to exist.

DAO is an excellent game, despite what people may say- it's just like 15 years old. Naturally, over that time, it has started to show its age: jokes have aged poorly, mechanics feel dated, people and views have mutated and evolved (nobody is the same person in 2024 that they were in 2009, or at least I hope), and the surrounding social environment as well as the technology have changed drastically, to the point that what was once scandalous and a bold, daring move, now just feels dated, stuck in the past, or even offensive. Media that is already out there does not have the luxury of being able to change and adapt as time passes, and I think we need to keep that in mind.

(Edit: adding a paragraph here because the previous one sounded very apologetic and negative: the cinematics in particular still feel intimately real in DAO, its treatment of the ambient and the limited tools it had is still very immersive, and the writing is very strong. I also remember blushing my way through flirting with Leliana that the first time [as a closeted bi woman who hadn't even realized that she's bi at the time], I remember feeling lost, and vulnerable, and terrified at certain parts, and elated, excited, joyful at others. And I really want everyone to be able to feel like that, and also gain the kind of insight they need to be able to see how far gaming as a genre had come.)

I honestly hope you do end up picking it up, because despite its age, it's still one of my absolute favorite games, and one of the stories that made me fall in love with RPGs, and games in general. I still vividly remember the first time I played it, when I was like 18 (which was 12 years ago at this point), and how it broadened my horizons, because until then, I kinda thought that games were either like the Sims, or like.... idk, first person shooters, not these big, sweeping, immersive stories you can get lost in.

I LOVE these games- I feel like that much is clear, lol. I just don't love the people who insist that there is one right way to love them.

I don't want to turn off anon for exactly messages like yours, but honestly, I do recommend to everyone who is at all concerned to do just that, to block liberally, and control their experience of engaging with the games as harshly or as leniently as they like.

It'll be fine. There will likely be an influx of new people picking the series up for the first time (just like there was with BG3) (though lbr, there will probably be a lot of people FORGETTING that the series is 15 years old but I hope they'll keep an open mind), we'll get a much-needed blood transfusion with people like you, and I genuinely hope that you'll have a very nice experience overall. ❤️

........

Also maybe save my favorite reaction image from ten years ago, and use it liberally. I know I'm gonna:

[flaybynight]

Since you mentioned childhood... When I was a kid, I wondered why things would have to cease after departure. I also had a strange attachment to the undead. I hadn't seen horror films until I was around seventeen years old (but played horror video games as early as twelve). I was enticed by the eroticism in bloodshed and was titillated by the hulking masses attacking their prey, but somewhere down the line my paraphiliac interests became estranged to me and by proxy repressed.

I started playing because of my attraction to Johnny, as he ticks my boxes in all the right ways; mullet, big arms, nice tits, cutoff tank, southern drawl. The more I learned through his voice-lines, mannerisms, minute lore, and executions the more I was drawn. I hadn't realized these things were repressed until Johnny promised to keep his victims, how he had plenty of space in the cold room for them. On top of this, his executions fluster me and I've since been aware of my abnormal attractions. I, too, use Johnny as an outlet (which my therapist encourages). I also write as Johnny, sickening interests and all.

Thank you for taking the time to answer me. You're very intriguing.

— 🔆

My response is late, Sunshine, but I was glad to read all this! I gave a pretty watered down version of what I originally intended to say. Some more snippets for you. I loved this one site as a kid that explained how to acquire, and the perks of, a dead gf. My msn pfp when I was 12 was a picture of a guy cuddling a corpse in bed. So domestic. As a teen I was infatuated with Dahmer and his crime scene photos. I lived gratuitously through him and others; Kemper, Bundy, Gacy. Some of my YouTube videos from over a decade ago are still floating around. Made a girl I liked pose dead for me in photos and she told people about it. That was fun... not!

I convinced myself in my late teens that I'd be a good mortuary worker. I respected death, would treat the dead like they were sacred, blah blah. Not entirely untrue, but not all of it. I wanted to reconstruct broken bodies! I like exerting control over things. I'm very good with my hands and I love putting things back together. I was enrolled to start embalming but life got in the way. Thank fuck that never worked out. Something about the vulnerability of a vacant [redacted] just drives me crazy. Better to avoid any kind of temptation.

I like it when someone is intelligent enough to use outlets, and understands why they ought to in the first place. I'd love to read your Johnny writing. Hell, I'd love for you to reach out.

[reasonableapproximation]

I killed a mouse a while back. Unpleasant details under cut.

I've had mice to deal with several times before. Once in a previous flat, I tried to do it myself with various snap traps and homemade bucket traps, all baited with peanut butter. The buckets were just cardboard boxes so they probably would have just chewed their way out unless I found them really quickly. But they never got caught in any of them and eventually they just left.

Then in this flat, a few years back. Ally and I put down snap traps that they didn't go for, then glue, and... I don't remember if it was still somehow getting past the glue, or if we got the landlord to call someone in and we just put down the glue while we were waiting, or what. But someone showed up, found a hole behind the sink and cemented it up. Put down a trap of his own (a black box with bait inside, not sure if poison or trap-trap or what, I think it's actually still there). But we didn't see it again, and he came back a couple of weeks later to check.

A few months ago we had another, possibly multiple. Again we put down glue and had someone come in, not necessarily in that order. He was useless the first time, but we got the landlord to send him back and I think he blocked something up and we were fine for a bit. (I wasn't in when he came this time.)

And then just after christmas I woke up to scratching, and turned the light on and waited, and yep, a mouse scrabbled out from next to the wardrobe under the door and out.

I didn't want to get the landlord to send someone again, because the landlord didn't know Ally had moved out. I had been their main support network, and they were now in a psychiatric hospital. (From what they've told me, they hadn't attempted suicide but had been thinking about it enough to check themselves in.) I thought it wouldn't be helpful for some to call them to try to arrange access to the flat. Also I was annoyed at the previous guy having to come twice and then getting another straight after.

So I ordered more glue traps. They arrived on 29/12 and I put them down. They were in the archway between the kitchen and the living room, where maybe there'd be no way for the mouse to get to most of the flat without going over them - I don't remember if previous attempts have backed that theory up. I put peanut butter on one, chocolate on another and cheese on the third.

I was sleeping with a rug blocking my door, so I wouldn't really know if it was getting past them or not. But the next morning I woke up and went to check.

I was scared to look. I don't remember that from before. We'd split up less than two weeks ago, I think I was still pretty fragile.

The design on them, under the glue, made me jump a bit. Like, I was so hyper-attuned to the possibility of seeing a mouse that when I saw a drawing of a mouse (or more likely, just any vague blob where I worried a mouse might be) I reacted to it. But there was no mouse.

Next day, new years eve, same thing, except there was a mouse. I screamed a bit. It had gone past the bait without touching it and then gotten trapped. It looked dead. I thought about calling someone but didn't know who - obviously not Ally, and the person who'd been my main emotional support lately didn't enjoy talking about killing mice.

I psyched myself up and went to step over it to get a binbag. It twitched when I got close. I screamed again. I crouched down to look a bit closer (still from a distance) and saw it blink. It also looked like it had vomited a bit, but I'd recently seen on wikipedia that mice don't vomit. Maybe that was some small hairs that had gotten pulled out?

I thought of another friend who's had to put down animals before. I messaged to explain what was going on and ask if she was up for a call. She was. She also said she hates glue traps, which like, okay but I probably wouldn't have brought that up at that precise moment. I explained that I don't like them either but nothing else worked and this at least would keep them out of the rest of the flat and she said fair enough.

(She also said they were about to be made illegal? I haven't heard anything along those lines. She's way more clued in to that kind of thing than I am, but she's not epistemically careful enough for me to take this kind of thing on her word. Idk.)

I was freaking out a bit, talking fast and hyperventilating, and she calmly helped talk through the options. I didn't want to hit it with a hammer because then I'd never use that hammer again and I didn't want mouse everywhere. I didn't want to use a knife, similar reason. We decided I'd put some cardboard down over it and step on it.

When I dropped the cardboard it started wiggling. Oh fuck. Deep breaths. I stepped. Through my headphones, I heard it crunch. Fuck fuck fuck.

She had me step a few more times to make sure, then walked me through grabbing a binbag and getting the whole thing into it without having to see it. She comforted me that it's natural to freak out, it means I'm not a psychopath.

I hadn't expected it to be so bad. I spent the rest of the day mildly traumatized. I was seeing family, which helped. I told my mum, dad and brother, but not my grandmother. They were sympathetic. We saw Wonka, it was fun. Then I went to the pub to hang out with people from reddit, mostly either strangers or people I hadn't seen in years. That was fun too, but packed enough that I went home before the new year.

I put down more glue traps and kept the rug blocking my door. The next day I was scared to look again, but no mouse.

I also ordered some steel wool that day. I had a guess that it was getting in where the person years ago had blocked up, where the cement looked a bit loose. I regretted not ordering it sooner, I don't know why I hadn't. I think partly I wasn't wild about rummaging around under the sink but like, what was my plan? Kill a mouse and leave it's way in open?

Anyway, it arrived a couple days later and I blocked up that hole and moved the rug. I was going to leave the glue traps there for a bit longer just in case, but around about now my bath started leaking into my kitchen (adjacent to it, not underneath). I didn't realize that was what was happening at the time, I thought I'd somehow just spilled a load of water, but in any case they were soaked and I didn't have any more.

I think for the next few days I was still nervous to look there when I got up in the morning.

I'm okay now. It was one of the least fun things I've ever done, but I don't think it was morally bad of me. Like, I could have done better, I should have got the steel wool sooner. And I spent 30 minutes freaking out while it was trapped, if I hadn't freaked out I could have killed it sooner which would have been better. But under the circumstances I wouldn't judge someone else for acting like I did, and I don't judge me either.

I think it would have been a lot more psychologically pleasant for me to go out and leave it trapped and wait for it to die. But I think that would have been morally worse, and I'm glad I didn't.

[maybebecomingms]

dry-ish january

January 19, 2024

I have a very much on-again, off-again relationship with alcohol. (TW if this is a tough subject for you.)

I grew up with alcoholic parents, developed a fondness for beer before I ever went to school, and sometimes partook with them before I graduated high school. My best friend in college was 4.5 years my senior, and I spent much of the summer following my freshman year at her house in a small mining town where there's not much else to do but drink. She didn't have a car, so I'd wait for her outside while she got the goods I wasn't yet old enough to buy myself.

We threw a joint graduation party 3 years later and didn't drink or provide alcohol. Our mental health wasn't great and we knew it wouldn't help. So we just... didn't, and hadn't been.

I met the man I would later marry (and divorce) the following year, and my habits slowly changed again. He drank regularly, so I started to as well. I could never drink as much as he did without feeling like absolute garbage, so I made it a point to have at least 3 sober days each week. If I could manage to have just one or two on the other days, it might not be so bad.

But it was never just one or two. It was usually four or more. As I became increasingly more uncomfortable with the reality of my life and the impossible expectations placed on me, taking three days off each week became more and more of a challenge. Meanwhile, I got involved in mental health care and routinely lied to my providers about how much I was consuming.

I'm a sucker for any sort of temporary challenge, and would give it up for periods of time. I did at least a couple sober Lent seasons. And I did Dry January sometimes, too. It wasn't easy - my ex would sometimes act offended when I declined to drink alcohol on random days throughout the week. When I took a break for weeks on end, you'd think I was purposefully harming him.

I've always been acutely aware of the risks of excessive drinking. I've seen folks die from alcohol-induced dementia, and liver failure. It's not pretty. My parents and all their friends were party animals, and many of their friends have died from substance use. Besides alcoholism, I have family history of heart disease and diabetes. My dad died of heart failure at only 58 (10 years ago next month), and I know his drinking played a role in his death.

Cutting way back following my divorce wasn't as easy as I had initially thought it would be. I couldn't stand my living situation with my old roommates, and up until only a couple of months ago, I was working a job where I was treated unbelievably badly every single day. While I wasn't routinely downing 12+ drinks a week like before, I still routinely felt a "need" to cope by drinking.

This time, I decided to do Dry January a little differently. I decided I will not drink *at home* over the course of this month, or while alone. If I was out with friends and it felt okay, maybe I'd have a little. But the ONLY acceptable reason was to enjoy something that tastes good while socializing - it could not be to cope with any sort of bad feelings.

To my surprise, it's WORKED! And it's worked so well. In years past, I would do it, but it felt like it took an incredible amount of control and self-restraint. Like I was white-knuckling it the whole time.

It hasn't been like that at all. I honestly haven't thought about it much - besides the ways I have been feeling better. I haven't missed it. It's felt like the opposite of a need to control. More like a release.

I don't think I'll ever be someone who would be able to tell you I haven't had a drink in years. I don't think I even want that for myself. I like to share a cider with a friend, and I'll probably always want the option. But now it's finally just that - an option that I can enjoy on occasion. Or not!

[n0t-1nt3r3st1ng]

Vulture!Wednesday AU Part - 12

Wednesday had to be fair. Credit where it was due, Enid could draw a crowd when she put her mind to it.

What had started as three people sitting in a corner booth with a laptop, a camera, and a microphone had turned into what seemed to be a mandatory rendezvous for most, if not all, the teenagers in Jericho. It certainly hadn't started that way, nor had any of the three girls imagined it would become what it did. It was the Saturday before she finally hit the train, and Wednesday was impatient. Still, she had given her word.

She didn't even have to bring much; Yoko and Enid had already left Nevermore early in the morning with their equipment. Or at least that was what they told her they were going to do. Wednesday found herself walking into the empty coffee shop to find Yoko speaking with an elderly couple wearing matching aprons.

The trio turned to her as soon as she opened the door, as if anyone entering the building was a surprise.

"Oh, you're here!" Yoko smiled at her, beckoning Wednesday to meet the pair. It didn't escape her that the vampire was making an effort not to show her fangs in front of the couple. "This is the one I was talking about. Wednesday, this is Frank and Dora. They've owned this place for, what, twenty years now?"

Frank and Dora, the owners whom she finally got to meet, were the stereotypical pair of elderly Normies to a tee.

Frank was a tall, lean man with silver hair and kind, twinkling blue eyes that had seen a lifetime of joy and challenges. Despite his age, he exuded a youthful spirit. Margaret, on the other hand, was a petite woman with a graceful demeanor. Her soft, curly gray hair framed a face adorned with laugh lines and a pair of bright hazel eyes that had witnessed both sorrow and joy.

"Pleased to meet you." Frank shook her hand. Wednesday noted they were weathered from years of hard work.

"I'm so sorry you had to go through that, dear." Dora said.

"If anything, I should be the one apologizing." Wednesday replied. "I never asked if there was something I needed to replace."

"Nah, don't worry about that. I made the furniture myself a long while ago. Trust me, those chairs will outlive both of us." The couple smiled warmly at her, and Wednesday did her best to return it in kind.

"I should start setting up the stream, if that's okay." Wednesday said, and the couple led her to the booth in the corner she'd occupy for most of the afternoon.

Wednesday took out her laptop, connected the power source, and began to set up the equipment when she noticed the distinct lack of color.

"Where's Enid? I thought you'd both be here." She asked Yoko.

"Oh, she's running late, had something to take care of. She'll be here soon." Yoko replied nonchalantly. "So, how are you liking the club so far?"

"It hasn't been boring." Wednesday replied as she worked. "Have you heard anything about Rowan?"

"No, he ghosted the entire school." Yoko replied. "I heard your interview with Bianca. Good stuff."

"Weren't you supposed to have algebra at the time?" Wednesday raised an eyebrow while she worked.

"Meh, math is math." The vampire replied. She sat in front of Wednesday and watched her work. "So, are you pro-Spider?"

"I'm not pro-anything." Wednesday replied. "I simply refuse to make a decision based on incomplete or unverified data."

"I heard Eugene and Bianca talking. People liked you, they are gonna ask you if you want to have a segment with her." Yoko said, resting her head on one hand.

Wednesday shuddered in response, and the vampire's smile widened to the point she almost showed a fang.

"I thought I'd bring you a little something." Dora carried a pair of steaming coffee mugs to the table. Yoko thanked them for both of them.

"Is Tyler coming?" Yoko asked.

"I don't think so." Dora replied. "He got his ribs hurt pretty bad when those punks tossed him. He hasn't come since."

"I'm sure he'll return once his wound heals." Wednesday replied, taking a sip. "I've got to say, I found your coffee to be better every time I taste it."

"Oh, thank you, dear." Dora replied. She soon left for the back of the building, no doubt getting ready to bake.

The door opened, and Enid dashed in. Her cheeks red, her hair all over the place, and her breath shallow.

"I'm so sorry!" She said, running to their booth.

Wednesday was about to reply when she noticed a fine layer of dust covered her coat and hair. She felt a cold grip in her guts. Not the fun kind.

"What happened to you?" She asked.

"Huh? Oh." Enid replied. She then noticed the dust and shook it off as quickly as she could. She smiled nervously. "I was, ehm, I cut through a construction site. Didn't want to keep you guys waiting."

"You might wanna be careful, construction sites are notoriously dangerous. You never know what might happen." Like having your heart ripped, Wednesday thought.

"It's fine, I do it all the time!" Enid replied. "I already know all of them."

"Any favourites?" Wednesday asked. She abhorred the very concept of hope but if Enid had a favourite route then it might help to prevent her untimely end.

"Mm, nope, like them all the same." She replied, giving her a lopsided grin.

Behind her polite facade, Wednesday's soul let out a groan that could have sent shockwaves through the entire neighborhood, had anyone been privy to the sound. Sighting, she finished setting up the stream and left Enid and Yoko to do their thing. 

The scene should have faded there – a calm and contented afternoon, the primary focus being the enjoyable coffee and the exchange between the duo, who were striving to support an elderly couple overwhelmed by the city's demands. But it didn't. At least not for the first hour. What had started with a casual conversation, with Weathervane's name dropped now and then, started to attract attention. One by one, like drops of rain before a storm, people began to approach the shop. Enid didn't waste the opportunity and invited a few of the newcomers to speak. At first there was some resistance but once the first gave in, interest grew so much they had to take two at the time.

Wednesday had to take mental notes at one point in case she ever wanted to extract information without torture. Enid's enthusiasm was as contagious as the Black Plague and it seemed to feed from the number of new people she met. By midday people had started to arrive in groups and even Bianca had decided to grace them with her presence. It didn't escape Wednesday notice how the siren had taken pictures and videos for her social media. She also noticed employees from other coffee chains had tried to poach some of the guests with discount offers but they had been refused so far.

Inevitably, some of the guests noticed her. Requests for pictures came and she entertained a few but she drew the line at signatures. Mostly on principle but also for a fraud check case without a main suspect still open in New Jersey. One could never be too sure.

Frank and Dora  were beside themselves with the number of clients. At one point during a quick break, the girls had to step in to help with the orders. When the guests requested food, Yoko stepped in and contacted a local restaurant who was happy to supply them while splitting the profits.

Eventually Wednesday had to step outside for a breath of fresh air and stood by the corner of the street. The noise of such a large congregation was starting to ring in her ears. It had to be the only reason she hadn't sensed her approaching.

"Hey,uhm,hi!" Wednesday turned to face a red headed girl wearing a blue Jean vest over a yellow shirt and blue jeans and pink sneakers.

"Hello." Wednesday replied. She had the certainty she had seen this girl before but couldn't remember where.

"I'm not sure you remember me." The girl smiled nervously. "I was here the other day with my friends."

"The twins." Wednesday nodded, frowning. "You called the cops, didn't you?"

"I,I, I thought you were in danger, I swear!" The girl raised her hands in a pacifying gesture.

Wednesday hummed but she chose to let it go.

"I just wanted to tell you you were amazing. I had to deal with those morons since I came here and watching you was... inspiring." The girl sighted.

"I see." Wednesday replied.  To state that her ego felt a slight sense of satisfaction would be accurate.She offered her hand to the girl. "Wednesday Addams."

"I'm Parker." The girl smiled as she shook her hand. "I'm so glad you're helping this place. The construction tore the town down and it all just looks..."

"The same soulless street." Wednesday finished.

"Right! Isn't it tragic?" Parker shook her head.

"I'm afraid you'll have to direct your gratitude to Enid. It was her's and Yoko's idea." Wednesday replied.

"Who's Yoko?" Parker asked.

"She snuck to the back with a siren after putting on some music." Wednesday replied.

Parker nodded, surprised.

"Wednesday, there you are!" Enid's voice startled the pair. Enid rushed to meet her but stopped when she spotted Parker. "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't see you."

"Enid, this is Parker. Parker, Enid is the one I was talking about." Wednesday introduced them.

"Oh, I was just thanking Wednesday for this." Parker hurried to shake Enid's hand who smiled embarrassed. "Thank you so much."

"It's nothing." Enid replied, blushing.

"Enid, you said you needed me?" Wednesday said.

"Yes, Yoko is AWOL and I'm the only one taking orders." Enid replied, she sounded exhausted. "Bianca is taking over the stream but I could use the help."

"Of course." Wednesday replied.

"I can help you!" Parker offered.

"Really?" Enid smiled. "Thank you so much!"

The trio went back and attended to the customers. In the end the affair lasted until twilight. Parker had to leave so Wednesday and Enid finished cleaning up the place with Frank and Dora. Yoko had vanished. Once done, she surveyed the tasks left to accomplish. 

Floors cleaned, check.

Furniture in its place, check.

Glasses and mugs clean, check.

Computer and equipment stored, check.

Depressed looking Enid staring at the city lights-what?

Her train of thought derailed, Wednesday studied the young werewolf. Enid, who a few moments ago was bubbling with energy, was now standing in the middle of the shop with her shoulders drooping, and her gaze fixed on the horizon. Wednesday looked as her eyes turned glassy, the beginning of a tear forming on the corner of her eye. She needed to say something, anything.

"Enid?" Wednesday called her, her tone soft so as to not to scare her.

"Yeah?" Enid turned and wiped the tear with her sleeve. "Sorry, allergies."

"It has occured to me that I have yet to apologize to you." Wednesday said.

"What?" Enid blinked, surprised.

"When you first told me about your shifting, I said you'd no doubt be magnificent." Wednesday recalled.

"I, yeah?" Enid shook her head, confused.

"By saying those words I might have implied that you weren't so already. What you have accomplished here tonight was beyond simple success. I was wrong for downplaying your virtues. I'm sorry." Wednesday said.

"What, this?" Enid began to bubble but Wednesday continued.

"Yes, this has turned beyond anyone's expectations and it was all thanks to you. You have every right to feel proud of your accomplishment."

"I.. thank you." Enid's voice quivered as she spoke, giving away the effort she was making to hold back her emotions. "It's just...sometimes I feel like...I like being with people but then they leave and it's just me and I can't even go to my pack without them laughing at the runt..."

"In my experience, those who make others feel inferior do so because they cannot stand others' superiority." Wednesday replied. "Don't let their words darken your world, they have to bring you to their level so they aren't faced with their own inadequacies. There are many people who consider themselves fortunate to know you. I know I'm one of them."

"Thanks, that's sweet." Enid sniffled. Had anyone else called Wednesday Addams taht, they'd have lost their tongue faster than their bodies could process the shock but this time she let it slide.

"Please, let me take you to Nevermore. I'm sure Yoko has her hands full at the moment." Wednesday asked.

"You have no idea." Enid chuckled. "But Davina is nice once you get to know her."

"I'm sure she is."

"Hey, wanna hang out tomorrow?" Enid asked, hopeful.

"I'm afraid there's one task left for me. I've neglected it for too long and now it has become impossible for me to delay it any longer." Wednesday replied.

"Oh, sure, you have your own things to do." Enid replied, looking downwards.

"However, after tomorrow I'll be available for the entire week." Wednesday said and Enid's hopeful eyes landed back on her. "I'll be delighted to accompany you."

"Great!" Enid almost jumped.

"Shall we, my lady?" Wednesday opened the door for Enid.

Enid giggled and gave her a small bow.

This was it, Wednesday thought after the day was over. Enough pleasantries. Enough civility. There was nothing stopping her from doing what she had come to do in Jericho.

Finally.

[wardencommanderrodimiss]

Hey Roddy, I was wondering. How do Zoe's misadventures inform her opinion(s) of Scarlett's misadventures?

Since I've started making my Pokemon OCs be related to each other across regions, one joke that I'll never tire of is the format like, for instance, with Piper (FireRed) and Marisol (Sun) who are cousins:

Marisol, age 12: "--and then Nebby flew us into the wormhole, where we found Lillie's mom merged together with the Ultra Beast that--"

Piper, age 23, fought the mafia when she was 12: "That's so dangerous, what were you thinking, you should have told someone and gotten help from - Kukui, Burnet, Hala, anyone that-- is this how my mother felt when she found out what I'd gotten up to."

Fighting organized crime is the most mundane thing you can do as a twelve-year-old in the Pokemon universe.

Anyway, when Zoe considers the question "what is the worst things that a child can get caught up in when they leave home on their Pokemon journey", she can use her adventures as a framework to say "well, when I was fifteen, my childhood friend Toshiro and I left home and he abandoned the Gym challenge three badges in and joined a cult for a little while, and I got chosen by a thousand-year-old Pokemon to be its hero so that we could stop a madman from destroying Unova as we knew it."

So to start with - like, from the point that it's apparent that Scarlett loves Pokemon and wants to go on her own Pokemon journey someday - Zoe's perspective is that she can hope that Scarlett's not going to get caught up in world-shattering events, but fate may say otherwise and what can you do about that?

Then Scarlett goes off to school and doesn't even make it to school before she's like "hey look at this cool Pokemon I got! It protected me from wild Pokemon after I slipped off a cliff and then I met this kid who was kind of a jerk but he gave me its Pokeball so it's mine now! It's called Koraidon! Isn't it cute?"

And Zoe's like. looking at this Pokemon that she's never seen before in her life - that she can't even find a hint of it existing anywhere in myth and legend and history and she's like. oh. okay. this is what's going to happen.

Once Scarlett's off to school, the main thing Zoe can do is trust that Scarlett has learned that she can ask her parents for anything (up to and including "backup from your crazy-powerful Pokemon), and trust that Scarlett has any amount of sense in her head and will know when she gets in over her head.

There's definitely a universe where, after Arven says that they should probably get some other strong trainers to come along with them into the crater, Scarlett's like "We can ask Nemona - OH, and my mom too!" and Arven just like. thinks of his own mother. and asks "Really?"

That universe where that happens is not my canon one. But it exists somewhere.

Ultimately, when Scarlett comes back home to visit (she brings Arven too, probably) and tells the whole story of what when down in the crater and also that she went into the crater at all - Zoe is saved from freaking the fuck out by the fact that Zoe herself went through all that fucked-up shit and like. Yeah, she wishes Scarlett would've told her. But Zoe's parents in fact still do not know anything about what Zoe has gotten up to for half of her life, so...honestly, she's at least a little glad that Scarlett is telling her at all.

(She does extract a promise from Scarlett and Arven both that if they ever intend to head back into the crater, please tell Zoe where they're going, at the very least, and she'd drop everything to accompany them and make sure they're safe. And definitely not because she's wanted to explore the crater since she heard of it years and years ago. Definitely not.)

In short: because Zoe's been through something like this (and really can't imagine what her life would be if she hadn't), she gets why Scarlett made the choices that she does, because those are a lot like the choices Zoe once made. She gets it, even if she wishes that Scarlett would have done otherwise.

(Sada, though. Sada is the one thing that Zoe will not understand about all of this. If Sada weren't dead, Zoe would have some fucking words for her.

[thatorangedog]

you know I need to get this out somewhere and here is a good a place as any. it's been a few years coming and I wish I was never right to begin with...

tldr: i was right about losing them because I'm queer

I kinda knew in college that coming out was going to fuck up the family but I did it anyway. Queer non-binary. I knew the risk of not seeing some of them anymore and while most of the people in my family I cared about stayed around, some of them didn't and it kills me. I knew my aunt was not going to be on board. She has 4 kids now but only had 2 at the time and I remember talking to my mom about it. About the fear that I wouldn't be allowed to see the kids anymore and she assured me that wouldn't be the case and that my aunt still loved me. But her family is Catholic. And I knew, I just knew it would end... me seeing the kids. Then covid hit. That's when it stopped. covid became my aunts excuse for me to stop coming. she stopped talking to me.

I got top surgery in 2021, best decision of my life. I've never been happier. Fast forward to earlier this year. I was with my mom and we were in my aunts area so we stopped in since I hadn't met the newest cousin yet who had just been born a few months ago. Keep in mind I haven't seen her in over 2 years. I couldn't figure out where my uncle was when I got there. I met the baby said hi to my other cousins. caught up with them and my aunt kind of kept giving me the side eye. I didn't think much of it at the time but I was wearing a tank top...

Come to find out my mom told me what my aunt said to her about me. She doesn't want me around the kids. She doesn't want the kids asking why I don't have boobs anymore because she saw my top surgery scars through the side of my tank top. like kids are gonna fucking ask that. she's afraid i might say something she doesn't agree with around them. she told my uncle not to come home because I was at the house. visiting. And my mom is pissed about it as well... doesn't make it any better...

Fast forward to now, it's thanksgiving and my aunt wants to talk to me now. to reconcile or some shit and i'm bitter. I want to see the kids, I really do they're so much older now. one of them is going to be 12!! I'm so proud of them... But I'm also so unbelievably upset with their parents. My aunt and uncle... The people who helped fucking raise us when my mom was struggling with 3 jobs. All those fucking nights when I was a kid with my sister at their house. Playing fucking mario cart 64, watching movies, roller skating. it's almost unfair that they turned their back on me now simply because I'm not straight. I don't want to see her. I don't want to see him. I don't want to talk until the acknowledge the wrong and hurt they've done. but I don't think they will... and if they did, i'd only be going back to see the kids again. I miss them... I hope they ask about me... I wish they weren't catholic. I wish my whole family left church... some of us did, but not everyone...

And I'm thinking about this now because of the holidays but also because of what happened in Colorado... i'm so tired of hiding but at the same time it costs so much...

[foreverstormarchive]

Forever Storm Testimonies: Denise Sanchez

NAME: Denise Renouard Sanchez

AGE: 46

HOMETOWN: Sulphur, LA

TESTIMONY: "I was born in a beautiful house in Sulphur, Louisiana. It was a beautiful home. My father had painted it this bright, shining yellow when I was young. Over the door we had this lovely carved woodworking from when the house was constructed. In the front yard, we had a tall magnolia tree that bloomed with hundreds of white star-shaped flowers that smelled sweet and bright in the early summer. I lived in that house my entire life. I'd seen probably 10 or 12 hurricanes hit that building and never... ever once saw it in a state other than perfection. When Hurricane Grace started brewing, I didn't think much of it, you know, like a lot of people. A lot of people thought it was gonna drive closer to Houston, so I wasn't fretting or anything. But we were wrong. I was very wrong. I never seen something like Hurricane Grace. Never in my life.

I weathered out the storm for the first three days, and by day four it still hadn't decreased in intensity even a little bit. It hadn't moved at all. I didn't know what to do, you know? I was starting to worry about my home. Those winds were... I believe it was a category 4 by the time it hit us. We were lucky, Sulphur was just outside the really destructive bands. That's why I'm still alive, that's why I was able to get out in time. At the end of the first week of the hurricane, I was tired. I was psychologically... you know, emotionally tired. It's a lot to bear for that long of a time. You keep thinking at some point, you know, "Alright, it's been going for six days now. It's gonna dissolve soon. It's gonna pass." But it doesn't. That hits you hard.

I left my home on Day 12 of the hurricane. It wasn't easy. It took me near two weeks for my mother to convince me to leave. She was living with me, she kept saying, you know, "Denise, we gotta go. We gotta get out of here. This hurricane is staying, it's not getting better." I didn't believe her. But when we reached a week and a half of the storm, I couldn't take it anymore. We got in the car and we drove to the town center, and they'd sent in the military. The national guard, I think. They had established a road through the prairie out to evacuate the folks, cause the regular route was blocked off by something. I forget what. Oh, yes, it was a... a semi-truck. An eighteen wheeler flipped on the highway, I believe.

We fled the house I was born in, I was raised in. We're living in Alabama now. I miss it to this day. I miss it. I doubt it's still there, the windows had gone by the time we left. I'll bet you the storm took it. I bet it did. It weighs on me, it does. That was nine years ago, now. The storm never stopped. It never stopped."

Interview with Ms. Sanchez conducted in 2019 as a part of the Forever Storm Oral History Project, an initiative funded by Vanderbilt University.

[frightsrising]

I'm running out of space to save scries so I'm gonna go through and delete some old ones I'm no longer interested in, so why not rate them in the process ^-^

Everything under the break because this is going to be long I fear

#1: ''Basic Scry''. Very first scry I saved as Soon as saving scries became a thing, I load thing thing up ten thousand times a day to have a fresh base for all my scries. Shes gorgeous shes stunning shes the moment. I don't know how people scry without a blank slate

#2: "Jdgzkahdisj". 0/10. Was for a "Scry yourself as a dragon" thread some years ago and I went the MOST boring direction I possibly could, a latte triple x. Even the eyes are earth, couldn't even bring myself to give him actual yellow eyes.

#3: "Gold" Aaaa.... 6/10? He was a random scry I really loved. He made me want a sanddollar jaguar derg (which I Still havent acquired) but his tert bothers me (maybe its just contour, I have to be in the mood for it.)

#4: "Scry" 4/10. I see the vision but I Dont like it. Was another random scry I messed around with but I dont think latte/thistle is a good combination with light multigaze. Minus points for the grip latte had on me

#5: "Jdgzkahdisj 2" 6/10, a rescry of the original "me as a dragon" but I added a smidge of color into the mix. Really need to let go of latte.

#6: "Milo" 8/10 A scry of one of my snakes. I really like how the primary and tert look together but I'm not a huge fan of the secondary in any capacity. High rating because he was a good boy

#7: "yyy" 1/10, "y" indeed. The primary and the secondary are really cute but WHAT on earth was I thinking with that tert. Was I temporarily colorblind? Why was I cursed to give coatl hatchlings nothing but light eyes? He can be salvaged, but I dont think I want to. He deserves his fate.

#8: "Oh baby a triple!" 7/10, Not a triple at all, but an Okay scry. Nothing I'd go out of my way to acquire ingame, but hes like... alright, I guess. The kind of dragon I'd buy on the AH for fodder price, and then feel guilty exalting later when I realize he's not that pretty, he was just cheap.

#9: "ghhh" 8/10, I think about this scry a lot. I'd definitely scry him differently now, but he's a solid dragon. I WOULD buy him for above fodder price. I just wish I had chosen another cream or teal color for the tert instead of buttercup again.

#10: ''Whisk'' 10/10. I don't particularly like starmap or filigree but something about this scry still scratches my brain years later. I do have to overlook the antique tert <( #1 antique hater in most circumstances ) but he's pretty. Bonus points for charcoal and metals looking So nice together here

#11: ''Just a baby :)" 7/10. I discovered the power of metals bee with the last scry. Would be rated higher if I hadn't seen his clones on the AH every day since I joined. No points for creativity, boooo!!

#12: "aaaa" 6.5/10?? I feel like there's potential here but it just doesn't do it for me. She looks like a scry you'd see in an unsold g1's bio.

#13: "aaa" 10/10, I can't dock ratings for being xxy because this little guy is so fascinating to me. I need him in my lair STAT.

#14: "plague" 5/10, I think?? That sure is plague, yeah. Cant say shes Pretty but she definitely is plague-y

#15, and the last one for now as my laptop is lagging with such a long post: "236452364" <( Not an id, just his scry name ) 6/10? yeah sure. 6/10. He's cute, but the sliiight color difference between the primary and the secondary really just dont work for me. Minus points for the very out of place arcane eyes (seriously, why could I not match eyes to save my life??)

Even after skipping a bunch we're only about halfway there so we'll come back to this. maybe. if i remember ^-^

[annieintheaair]

Well, the road rolls out like a welcome mat to a better place than the one we're at and I ain't got no kind of plan but I've had all of this town I can stand.

Today feels like it should be Saturday but it's only Friday. I usually work Thursday nights but I was so glad that I didn't last night and even more glad that I don't work any Thursdays for the rest of the month.

I was a complete zombie last night and tried to stay up but kept falling asleep on my couch. It has been a long, busy-ish week.

We had a lot of delays this week, which meant very little sleep for me. Wednesday morning I got home from work, took a short nap, got some work done, and then headed to Students and the other things I needed to do. I stopped at the gas station before leaving town and immediately received text alerts that my flight was delayed. This was the beginning of a rolling delay. The final text I received said departure would be at 12:19am, which was honestly optimistic at best.

I had to pick up my prescriptions (since I never changed pharmacies when I moved nearly a year ago) and then decided to go check out an apartment. Before going there, I prayed to God that He would guide me and help me to make the right decision. I asked Him to help me to feel a sense of home wherever I was meant to be.

I walked into the apartment complex that day, a little nervous. It felt weird to be back looking at apartments by myself. I remember moving into my first Texas apartment in 2015 and thinking, "This is my last single-girl place!" I was so sure that I'd live in that apartment for however long and moving out would only be because I met someone. Imagine if I could go back nine years ago and tell that girl that she would live in four more places after that and be about to move into a fifth place, still single.

I thought about the spreadsheet that I worked so hard on for Todd and I to choose a place together. I wanted us to find the perfect place and make the best decision. I was so excited. After all of that though, I realized I wouldn't be making another spreadsheet to start over by myself. My desire to look at tons of places was completely gone. I just wanted to choose one place and be done with it; check that decision off of my list so I could focus on other things.

The leasing lady, Barbara, was so sweet and welcoming. She showed me around the complex and we looked at a few apartments. She was determined to find me one that I would love. After an hour of touring, I walked out of there, thinking, yeah, I think I could call this place home. I imagined my life there-- me, starting over, walking to see my Greek friend for coffee during the weekend, watching fireworks from the 2nd-floor lounge area, and jumping back into my life there. I thought about how I'd arrange my furniture and Barbara even showed me a meditation room that she thought I'd appreciate using after work.

I had a very tight window of time once I was done touring the apartment but I ended up going to look at a house for a potential roommate situation. The girl who would be my roommate has only been out of college for almost a year. Obviously, since it's her house and she has lived there for a while, everything is her's in the house. She had two rooms in the front of the house that she was using as office spaces. The bedroom she was offering was tiny and the closet was also extremely small. For $1100/month, I just didn't think it was worth it to have a shared space where I'd basically be living in my little room.

I rushed over to Students after that and we had Dinner and Discussion. They got Jets Pizza, which I had been looking forward to literally all day. They even had Nothing Bundt Cakes, which was also amazing. Wednesdays, even though they're busy these days, are always my favorite day of the week. There's nothing better than getting to spend time with my church family.

Of course, since I hadn't seen some of them in a while, I was asked about what happened with Todd. Now that it has been almost three weeks, it's easier to talk about it without getting really down. Of course, it's still sad and there's still a part of me that wishes we could work things out, but relationships take two people and I also want to be with someone who wants to be with me as much as I want to be with them.

I told my friends at church about my apartment search. I told them about the place I saw and liked and that I really didn't want to keep looking. They were very encouraging about it all and agreed that if I found a place I liked (they also said they think it's a good choice) then I should go with that instead of overwhelming myself more by checking out additional places. Everything just starts to look the same after you see a few apartments.

I expressed to them how I've been feeling extremely overwhelmed and exhausted lately. I think they could tell by the way I was talking, too, like I couldn't take a breath and tried to fit in all of the words in a short period of time. One of my friends asked me if maybe I could cut something back in my life temporarily just to deal with things. Could I work less? I know I shouldn't work less for financial reasons but at the same time, I need to breathe and lately, it feels like I just can't breathe. The weight of everything in my life feels like it's taking a toll on me.

Looking at my schedule, I thought about picking up more trips over the next week but since I had shifted some trips around, I now have nearly a full week off until I fly again on Wednesday night. Even though part of me feels like I have no idea what to do with all of that time off, another part of me knows I have things I need to get done to continue to remove things from my plate.

Even though I like the apartment and can't wait to move back, I can't help but question my decision. The thing is, no matter how much we think things over, make pros and cons lists, or whatever else we do to make a decision, we can never be 100% sure that we're doing the right thing. Technically though, is there really such a thing as a wrong decision? If at the time it felt right, then it was the right decision for that time. Moving far away from my life taught me to appreciate the things I already had and showed me who my real friends were. Of course, it was a very expensive decision to have made and been disappointed in, but maybe it was the right decision for the time. Every choice we make is a chance we take for something amazing to happen.

My flight on Wednesday night ended up going out super delayed. We didn't arrive in Oklahoma City until super late so by the time I got to the hotel, it was 3am on Thursday, and I had to be up at 4am to get ready for work. I crawled into bed in my uniform and took a nap for about an hour. I chugged a cup of coffee on my way back to the airport and then grabbed a latte at Starbucks on my way to the gate.

Of course, we couldn't get a gate when we landed back in DFW so we had to wait, which meant I left work later than normal. There was a bad accident on the express so everyone was on the regular road and all of the rubberneckers caused a huge traffic jam. It took me a solid hour to get home, which was a struggle when I could barely keep my eyes open.

I had every intention of being somewhat productive during the day, maybe even going to a yoga class, but instead, I took a nap and got some work done. Since I didn't get to Hope last weekend, I decided to watch it on YouTube. I was glad I did because the Prosper campus pastor, Mike, was speaking about what to do when it feels like your life is falling apart. It was appropriate and encouraging. After that, I watched some cheesy movies and by the evening, I felt like I deserved a glass of wine so I poured one and immediately fell asleep on my couch. When I woke up, I decided I needed to go to bed.

When I woke up this morning, I felt like I still could have used more sleep but got up to get some work done and made it to yoga at noon. Yoga was just what I needed today and was definitely worth leaving my house for. There's not a whole lot I'll miss when I move but I will definitely miss Stephanie's Friday yoga class.

I might go on a few dates this weekend, which is a little scary because I'm not really sure that I'm ready but I think it's necessary at this point. I signed up to attend a women's conference tomorrow morning, which I'm really looking forward to, and Candace Cameron Bure is going to be there speaking. I even made plans with Julie to meet for lunch after and at some point might hang out with Shinayde at her pool. Sunday I'm planning on going to bible study again, since it's good to be around other singles, even if I'm the oldest person there. Tim Tebow is speaking at church this week, too, which is pretty cool. Dan would have been super excited about that since Tim Tebow played for the Patriots many years ago.

I'm trying to keep myself busy while also not overwhelming myself too much. I'm doing my best to acknowledge the good things in my life and not think about the things that have been making me sad. Do you ever wish that you could look at your life over the years and pick out all of your favorite pieces and put them together to create the perfect life? What pieces would you pick?

They always say you can't go home again and while I wish that I could, I know that the new life I'm building is going to be better, even if it isn't the same as the life I'm leaving behind.

This might not be an easy time There's rivers to cross and hills to climb And some days we might fall apart And some nights might feel cold and dark But nobody wins afraid of losing And the hard roads are the ones worth choosing Some day we'll look back and smile And know it was worth every mile

Happy Weekend!

xoxo

Annie

[incarnateirony]

fdsjkhfjdsh TODAY I GOT A MESSAGE LIKE HEY SUP MIN, THOUGHT YOU MIGHT LIKE TO KNOW HOW ABOUT YOUR EX BEING NUTS AND THINKING SHE CAN FUCK WITH US. JOHN TOLD ME THE GUY THING AND I SAID YOU WERE ALREADY AN HONORARY GUY ANYWAY WHO CARES ANYWAY NOT SURE WHY SHEA DECIDED TO SOB STORY ABOUT YOU TO ME WHEN SHE WAS THE ONE THAT BLOCKED ME TEN YEARS AGO WHEN I REFUSED TO TRANSPORT CZAR HAZMAT OUT OF STATE FOR THE LAST TIME SHE FUCKED YOU OVER

yeah. pff. yeah.

Did he intentionally steal a few techniques of hers, realized she only had two valuable ones, and screw her in a way I'd normally ethically disagree with? Yeah. Is it very funny? Also yeah.

man I didn't even ask for that, she's just been that big of a cunt for a decade running that everyone keeps coming for her while she tries to villainize me and I hear about it after the fact.

Like. How stereotypical of her is it. Whether the cheating/plotting ex girlfriend or cheating/plotting ex wife arc these years apart. To try to run to the guy's gamer bro friends and do this shit only to realize nobody believes her or wants her drama like years late. Why? Because she already burned out, abused, and overdemanded of those men for no logical moral reason they need to help and no other imperatives for them to do what she wanted or-else.

When I told them how bad she shit talked them for years some months ago, I didn't even KNOW she'd been so brazen that, around 2014 when she FIRST bounced on me and I blamed MYSELF, that when the guy she brought in to the houses we were browsing to buy instead of me turned out to be a useless sack of shit couch potato like everyone including me warned her, then trying to harass my friends into driving across the country to pickup her own mistake and blocking them if they don't, and she really thought she could manipulate these same people. Oh holy fuck me.

Shealyn Bonds, you are not the main character of life.

You can't even channel your own inside joke for branding your pagan shop, you have to steal mine. Stop.

god. by the end it was corban realizing I was an artist and us just talking about art anyway. I just hadn't drawn in 12 years for misc life and disability reasons but like "OH, THIS IS FAMILIAR, I'VE SEEN THIS" "Yeah. Cuz I drew it in like 2012 and used it as a CC/TK profile picture then one day Shea vomited high saturation color on it and called it painting it." "RIGHT" "Yeah anyway, I hear you're not allergic to using AI as an art tool so here's my base work and what I've been morphing it into since I can't handle full art anymore with my hands" "BADASS"

Yeah. He's been using AI to increase his output. He's been making money hand over fist. And john ofc as every day like... we have a daily gc and she tryin

"Mmmmm yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaa she tried to do some native american scrying with her ancestors over discord or something." "Oh, what, Hermes, the actual god of communications and business and technology shit, couldn't tell her? What's this all over her website. I wasn't aware Chief Great Great Great Grandpa felt like waking up for your zoom call." "Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaah. It was... weiiiiiiird... and not like... mystical weird... I've been on video with you, and you don't even charge. I know weird mystical. This was like. Weird facebook" "hey buddy remember who that art piece is even of?" "No?" "My In Character rendition of Hermes, who by astral was that thing, and by day was a musician named Aaron Eema?" "Kind of?" [pulls up his like 2010 website with the Rumpocky joke on it] "Yeah bro I plugged a really weird real life channeling story that confused everyone on there and then she lifted that for her brand name." "Jesus christ, that's shameless." "Can we try 'hermballs' instead?"

[zieflwr]

the end of an era 01/12/23

13 years ago i stepped in to our school, not knowing what lies before me. little me would be shocked to know how far i've come from back then and she probably didn't know to even dream up a love as perfect as yours and mine.

it was a pretty june back in 2022 that saw my heart running to a girl that for years has lingered close but remained a mystery to me. only because i hadn't had the chance to unravel her yet. through sunny days that lit up your eyes a caramel-tea-honey brown, or made your smile compete for who shined the brightest, i felt myself falling into your hands. a warm feeling i would've gladly surrendered to in nanoseconds if it wasn't for the complications.

oh but she wouldn't let me go and god was i rooting for her. i was dreaming of a first kiss even before any related thought was even processed in real life. i think my soul went berserk having found its soulmate. i just couldn't dare to be away from you and to that feeling i admit i surrendered without a second thought.

quiet corners, stares piercing through rooms of girls oblivious (or were they) to what it meant for us, rushed hands and sloppy kisses in a hallowed institution where the name saints probably had a fit knowing what was going on. 12 years in and right when i thought i'd seen the best of it all i gave my heart to the one girl that's made me literally lose my mind with what i feel for her.

now, as we leave this place that was a shared home for us until we met each other and made a home for us within ourselves, it is obvious that things won't be the same. but for us that doesn't mean that things will not be well. with us, it just always is. day in and day out i find it incredibly endearing how we run back to each other with the fullest hearts, ready to shower all that love on the other. if anything, distance will make us grow fonder and more in love, knowing that we're the type of sappy bastards to be doing the most wholesome things, coming up with a new idea every day to make sure that the other is happy and knows that she's loved. we'll both be fine. together. and you know it.

you, my love - and i say it with my whole chest - you have shown me everything that's good in the world. from your soft embrace to your innocent tears and your voice that brings joy to every ear, you my love have shown me that life is worth living. if ever i feel like life is not going the right way, i think of you and wonder, i have her; life could only ever always be the best it could be for me because i have her. no one else could ever. ha!

my baby, i love you. keep your door open won't you? i'll be there one day and you'll sleep safely in my arms and i'll kiss your forehead just because. this might be the end of an era, but we're the type of duo to switch it up and make this the greatest beginning two people could ever ask for. and with you by my side, its comforting to know that i'll have a part of my journey at the grand old lady by the sea right beside me, throughout my life. i love you. i love you. always and forever.

[bshmatthews]

Still thinking about that post on resilience. And the way a lot of young people think they can never change.

By the time I was in my mid 20s I was kinda a mess. I had untreated ADHD and sporadically-treated depression and debilitating anxiety. I'd flunked out of college. I struggled to hold down a job. I lived with my parents. I had no friends. I felt miserable about all of this and saw no way out. I thought I just doomed to be miserable forever.

I did have one thing that was an escape - roller skating. I liked skating around town and at the local roller rink, even though I was often the only adult there. It was a way to just turn my brain off for a while.

Then one day I was putting on my skates and a whole group of women my age, some even older, half of them covered in tattoos, strolled into the rink. I was waaaay too shy to approach any of them but I was fascinated. (Yes kinda like that scene in Whip It!!)

So I skated around like usual and just kinda watched these women skating surreptitiously for a while... Some of them honestly sucked at skating. Most were just okay. But there was this one skater who was INCREDIBLE!! I'd never seen anyone skate like her. She was just effortlessly doing all these amazing tricks and dance skating moves.

And then she skates up to ME and she says, "you're a good skater, you should join roller derby". I about died. I don't remember what I said except that it was negative - no I could never. But that night and a couple of the following sessions these roller derby women kept coming up to me and saying, "you should try it!"

I firmly believed I could not do it. I had terrible social anxiety. I specifically had issues around the idea of touching other people or having them touch me. Playing a full-contact team sport? That was just crazy. Never going to happen.

But K. (the amazing skater) said that if I went to practice, she'd teach me some of her tricks. And she said that nobody would do any contact for months, and only once everybody was ready.

So I said yes. I would try to go to a practice. I fully expected to quit before I actually had to hit anyone or do any teamwork. I'd just learn some new skills and then be done with it.

And those early practices were brutal. Not physically, for me, because I already had the basics, but emotionally. I often had panic attacks before or during practices. Random drills would bring up weird emotions (I didn't know why) and I would just have to leave the room for a while. I didn't socialize or try to make friends. At this point I just did not know how to do that.

Maybe it's wrong to say that the team was supportive of my issues because it's not like they went out of their way to accommodate me or whatever. I vaguely remember (this was like 12 years ago!) K. asking me privately how she should handle it when I had to leave to collect myself and I, absolutely mortified, told her to please ignore me as much as possible. And she did! And everyone else followed K.'s example. It was the best response as far as I was concerned.

And then one day, months later, it was time to do contact. I hadn't quit, because even with the panic attacks, I was having too much fun. But I was terrified. What if I accidentally hurt somebody? What if I hit somebody the wrong way and they didn't like it? What if I even just got too close to someone and they thought I was gross and I made them uncomfortable? That would truly be the end of the world.

I was so frozen with fear so long, the drill started before I could get out of the way! The skater I was partnered with hip checked me and I fell on my ass.

And I'm just sitting there on the floor and this shocked giggle comes out of my mouth and my partner starts giggling too.

And then I got up and I hit her! And she fell down! And we laughed again!

Turns out, hitting people is fun.

The panic attacks slowly began to happen less and less often. It took me a long time before I felt comfortable playing in a game - much longer than the other skaters I started with - but eventually I played for the home team and then even the travel team! I ended up getting the nickname "the wrecking ball" because I would take out multiple skaters with one hit. I even jammed in a travel game a couple times (for non-derby folks, the jammer is the one who scores points).

Roller derby really helped me learn that I could get better at things. Skating, for one, but also interacting with people and handling my emotions. Things that seemed impossible for me weren't actually impossible.

I started going to therapy and getting medication. I made friends. I tried dating (and realized I was ace). I went back to school. I remembered that school sucks and dropped out again. I started a new career that didn't require college and I kick ass at it. Twelve years later, I almost feel like a different person entirely from that despairing 25-year-old.

Anyway this post is super long so I'll try to get back to the point which is like, there are so many ways to change and grow in your life. It's okay to struggle with things and have to work harder at them than the other folks around you. That's how you get unstuck! Find the things that make that struggle worth it. I'm still finding new ways to grow in my late 30's, and I hope I never stop.