#and im so sad right now and i dont know if and when things will ever get better for me
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OH ARTHUR BENNETT.. such a gorgeous and intriguing character. terribly burdened by a GRUESOME set of crimes, his light suffocated by a HEAVY century of GUILT. so tragic, so dark and broody, and yet PAINFULLY awkward in any social setting ever
#jrwi fanart#cw blood#jrwi show#jrwi suckening#arthur bennett#OUHH THIS ONE WAS SITTING IN MY WIPS FOR SO LOOOONGwhen i took it out there was mould on it :sob:#BUT i think i was able to fix it up okay#i keep seeing SO MANY MISTAKES RRAAAHHH BUT YOU DONT SEE THEM RIGHT?? THATS ONLY ME. RIGHT?? EXACTLY.#THE KEY IS TO SAY. AND REPEAT AFTER ME. 'FUUUCK IT WE BALL#so anyway. arthur bennett huh? grizzly says that arthur is reaal fuckin difficult to play. and i SUPER get that. i mean LOOK AT HIM..#grizz often needs a minute to think abt what hes gonna say in a way that matches w that Stoic Personality. which is FAIR but also that#ends up making way for awkward confrontations like: the lady in the parky lot. he took too long to answer and scared her away.& I LOVE THAT#arthur is tragic and sad and cool and stoic but hes ALSO awkward and silly and kinda dumb and short sighted. HE HAS COMPLEXITIES#I LOVE WHEN TTRPG CHARACTERS HAVE A GOOD SET OF SHORTCOMINGS. ESPECIALLY WHEN U FIND THEM ONLY AS U PLAY THEM.#I COULd go on and on saying the same things w different words abt arthurs intriguing and entertaining character but i shall spare u. for no#ILL ALSO MENTION HOW MUCH I LOVE HIS FLAVOR THO.. I LOVE TALL HOT BOY WHOS ONE W THE DARKNESS.. I REMEMBER WHEN HE FIRST MENTIONED THE#BADLUCK. N I WAS LIKE OOOHH THATS WHY HIS DESIGN IS SO COOL N CHAOTIC N ASYMMETRICAL. HES UNLUCKY!!! i love love love his design so much...#GRaaauruguguraguhhghghgh what else what else is there for me to spew on abt...i think im reachin a limit here..OH MAGNUS. i hope that#we get to know more abt how magnus and arthur met.. like How they became besties... ouuhh... I ALSO WANNA KNOW MORE ABT MARY DAVIS. LIKEHOW#he also apparently spent alotta time in a zone dominated by edward twilight? all he remembers is constant partying? I WANNA KNOW MORE..#i think i got room 4 one more ramble SO. THE ART PIECE.as i said its gone a lil stale BUT. im still very proud o the bits where hes allScar#I WANNA SEE HIM GET SCARYMORE. I like the idea of shadows solidifying to make him strange and eerie.like TEETH n CLAWS n SPINES n YESS#also the SILVER EYES.no1 does silver eyes like the show Claymore. they make em look so striking and eerie...i also like to think that#human arthur had deep beautiful brown eyes.just in my beaitufl heart.i mean look at him..i wanna cook him n eat him.ANYWAY#i think thats all my ramblin for this piece. now i gotta go cancel a single day i had ata hotel bc my work schedule change last minute FUCK#feel free to ramble in my tags aswell tho i read all of them and i chew on thenm and i love them so sos os mcuh
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sorry if idk this but what do you think about Wordgirl now in 2024 do you still like it do you still want to make art or talk about it or are you just done with all of it forever and plus i seen that you haven't made art of it since 2022 so you just done with all of it oh yeah and what about The Magnus Archives + Wordgirl ao3 fic too like is that just going to be and i know that your working on 2 au's now just wanting to know that's all
My interests tend to come in intense bursts and then fade. Unless something like, big happens like it gets a reboot its unlikely I'll be coming back to it anytime soon. As for the fic I don't have any current plans to finish it unfortunately.
#Its so shocking whenever anybody mentions that fic to me#like its just such a specific combo of interests how are there this many people interested in it...#I have some fragments of unfinished chapters for it laying around but I was struggling to get them to work#and I definitely dont have the motivation to finish them now#If youre curious the chapters were going to be Slaughter avatar miss Power and Web avatar Mr Big#and possibly Flesh avatar Butcher but I never got around to starting that one#The Miss Power chapter was basically going to be about her having kind of lost her thread#I wanted to leave a lot of ambiguity as to what happened with her home planet#but she hadnt been in contact with them for agessssss and her radio is damaged and her ship is in bad shape#the chapter was just going to be her being like 'pfff I dont interpersonal connection Im doing great out here. Murdering. All on my own'#Well she has her little squirl thing but she treats him like an animal#mr giggle cheeks or whatever#anyway I wanted it to imply that whatever happened her bloodthirst was destroying her#The Mr Big chapter was from Lesley's perspective#She would have been one in a long long line of assistants that Mr Big went through like candy#Lesley is his favorite though because. while she is terrified of him. shes still willing to push him. to be honest with him#but she also knows exactly when to step off. when to lie to appease him#( its always a tossup as to whether he wants a sweet lie or the harsh truth that day. He can always tell either way#its a gamble he does to be cruel. She always picks right though. or maybe he's more lenient with her than he should be)#He likes that she knows exactly how to push him without ever stepping over the line#He likes that her guilt and revulsion are slowly eating her up inside but shes too selfish to leave#She likes being special. She likes the idea of ruling the world alongside him#She'll always be second in command but shell be so much higher than everyone else#and shes willing to do anything to get that#Mr big doesnt think shell ever make it that far#but he likes her anyway#shes the one assistant he'll be sad about dying#OK damn apparently I did still have things to say about this old fic DAMN#still not gonna finish it tho. they call me the struggler becaus.e writing is a struggle...
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#okay random story time i don't know why im narrating this or how i even stumbled upon this memory rn#but i generally do sad vents in the tags and for a change this is a funny one#so back in highschool (i say highschool but i mean junior college) i used to visit this park near my house a lot#i was an sg kid back then and the thing about parks there is that they're kinda beach-parks and they have the best cycling/running tracks#they're also really massive parks so i used to go often. sometimes bicycling. other times walking. yeah. the park was like my sanctuary#anyway. there are quite a few bike rental areas in the park and there was a cute lil shop next to this one particular rental place#and they sold like biscuits and water and icecreams and stuff and i went there a lot#and on one particular day i went there and there was this guy around my age part timing at that shop#now again this might be culture specific bc i dont see it in india but part timing in uni/pre-uni is pretty common is sg#a lot of shops and restaurants employ teenagers to twenty something ppl for part time jobs... anyway im just adding context#point is that i had walked to the park with my mum that day and she told me to go buy a couple icecreams so i went to the shop#and i saw this guy around my age and like. not to be a simp but this dude was so pretty?#like he saw someone had come to the counter so he looked up and shot a smile and i thought i got slapped by sunlight#i could spend the next several lines going on about his pretty tan skin and his glowing raven eyes but this is pathetic enough so ill stop#anyway he saw me and smiled really wide (customer service smile- i thought to myself) and i smiled back and asked for icecreams or whatever#and then this guy started getting chatty right. so he was all 'you come here (to the park) often right? ive seen you with your bike a lot'#see now. the problem with me is that i always think im bothering people. this poor dude was attempting to make conversation#and i was replying with one word answers#and i wasn't even realizing that he didnt want that. bc he kept asking more questions and i. kept. shutting them down.#then when he gave me the icecream he was all 'are you here alone? icecream alone is no fun... i could keep you company if you want..?'#which. he was being really cute about right. but because im so fucking dense i was all 'oh no i came with my mom actually'#and he went 'aw man' in this really cute but faux sad way which i didnt understand at the time and i left and then#after three full fucking days. i realized this man was tryna hit on me?#and then i went to the park like a week later and he was gone. poof. i even thought of asking the uncle in charge of that place#then i got too embarrassed and chickened out#yeah so turns out my neurodivergence neutralizes any sort of rizz that comes my way#i could've been chilling with a cute boyf rn but no😩 this is my destiny#megumi in the tags
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just experimenting
#my art#my ocs#mind wolf#furry#sfw furry#based on these drawings i used to do in 2015 or so....#i know ive been complaining about it for a while now but ive been having a rough time with art this year#im genuinely my worst critic#so i tried making something without caring about the little details... and as it turns out#you can really enjoy your art when youre not picking out every little detail or thing wrong with it#anyways im probably not gonna post much art anymore. im not leaving or anything just gonna be less active probably#i realized that posting my art makes me dislike it a lot more so im trying to avoid that right now...#because when i really dont like my art then i lose my drive to create anything and its really sad
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#waiting to start not one but TWO immunosupressants and knowing exactly what date it's going to happen is so weird#because there's a deadline on your immune system now#and i spend most of the time not really thinking about it and then out of nowhere I'll be like#oh yeah#in just under two weeks I won't have my good immune system anymore#i wont be able to rely on it as i always have because it won't be there#and i know Exactly when it's going to happen#it's. in all honestly it feels bizarrely like being at the vets when sobi was put to sleep#it was the right thing to do it was the right time to so it and i knew it was coming#we need to do this so my immune system doesn't keep eating my intestines in its fervour#it's the right thing to do it's the right time to do it it's needed and necessary but I'm grieving all the same#yes okay maybe it's stupid to equate starting immunosuppressants with my pet dying#maybe im being overdramatic about all this#ive had people tell me it probably wont be that bad it'll probably just give me a normal system j shoudl stop stressing about all this#i should stop feeling so sad about all this#and that doesn't help one fucking bit#i do feel sad about this. i feel very sad about this. i am experiencing grief about this#dont tell me to make my emotions smaller#the nurse said i would could as high risk. that i will need to avoid people who even just have colds#this is not a small change. this is me losing something i have relied on for my entire life#something i have taken a stupid pride in for my entire life#and it feels just like being at the vets. gently stroking sobi's head as he died#putting him to sleep. putting my immune system to sleep. telling it did well#it'll come back one day i know (i hope) but for now it has a deadline
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🐰🌧️
#so on my way home..#i walked by a school and besides the fact that i felt so depressed bc just looking at these kids and adults i have NO hope for the future#i saw two boys on a bench as i walked by... and i just thought they were talking. and too late i realized that no one of the boys were#bullying the other boy. the bully walked away and the other boy just sat there looking so lifeless and dejected#a teacher came and sat down w that boy and i just kept walking. even if i wanted to say smth it's like what would i even do abt that situati#that made me so sad both bc that boy.. he looked so dejected and used to it. that anxiety going to school knowing you're bullied is awful#and like i imagined talking to him and saying heyyy if you're lucky you'll grow up to be 25yrs old#live like a parasite off your mom and be on wellfare and never have had a job :)#you'll have no education or highschool diploma :) you will still struggle to finish hs even at an easier level :)#you will also not have had friends in 10yrs and you'll be terrified of ppl and getting close to anyone and even going outside!!#you'll have no interests and hobbies and skills! you'll simply be a waste of space loser being a burden on everyone around u!#whoop whoop stay alive buddy it will only get worse ❤️#god i just wanna cry. how did i let my life turn out this way??? i used to be full of dreams and life and passion and HOPE#i used to believe in things and in people. i had so many dreams and i wanted to try and do so many things#now all i can think is 'i wanna die i wanna die i wanna die'. im miserable wherever i go lmao#there's this bridge over the highway i have to cross when i walk to school and every time i look down at the trafic and when a truck drives#by i feel my entire body vibrate. i just wanna jump and get mauled by it.#or i dont *want* to but i feel so deeply and desperately that it's the only way for me#only way to make it stop hurting. and i am weak. i dont know how to just 'stop' or take control of my life. thats why i wanna die#bc i know that i wont be able to. that my life will never amount to anything#for fuck's sake my dream now is just to have my own 1bedroom apartment and have a shitty job - like in a grocery store or whatever!!!!!#not even that can i make happen! bc im so worthless i cant do anything. im also stupid so i wouldnt be able to do my job right#i dont know... i dont know... these feelings and thoughts are too much i just wanna relax#but i cant bc my ribs hurt and idk if it's heartburn or an ulcer 💀 why am i even alive???? what am i doing all this for? 😭#my thoughts ran away but i meant like seeing that reminded me of how much of a failure i became#bc of my circumstances and all the shitty ppl around me thru out my life
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the bittersweet but absolute flood of relief that comes from admitting defeat at living independently, to have to move back in with parents. we tried! we gave it our best shot for almost 3 years! but living like this (being on our own) is just not possible for us at this time of our lives. we've finally proved it to ourselves that we can't do it. it'll be okay to let ourselves rest now
#latimers parents not mine!!!! i am NOT moving back to florida LOL#really hope that the changes will be good for my mental health. this apartment is toxic to us#ive been on the verge of meltdowns Kind Of A Lot lately. imnot doing great#extremely dependent on substances. just to reach a baseline level of functioning. but even that isnt working as much anymore#the only things i do on my phone or tablet these days is like. 2 mobile games. and skirting past my dms to check latimers blog#its too overwhelming to even open discord these days yknow. everything on earth is too much for me right meow#i havent been drawing i havent been social online OR irl i havent been cooking or creating#i havent been keeping up with personal hygiene like at all im particularly ashamed about that one#i've been really bad about doing my T the past few months which is a HUGE shame because im SO fucking hyped to be on it#theres just. too many obstacles in getting it done half the time. and the other half of the time i just forget#anyway. anyway.#our lease ends in july so between now and then we're just gonna try our best to tolerate our living situation enough to get by#there's a light at the end of the tunnel. and its called 'i only have to be in charge of like 2 rooms at most. and not a household!'#we're gonna try to slowly comb through all our things between now and then so the process of moving wont suck as bad#cuz listen. its pretty fucking bad right now#maybe not for other people. but it is for me. and its okay to let myself come to terms with that#im just. so relieved. still very stressed! but theres at least light at the end of the tunnel and its only like 2 months away#ill be able to draw guilt-free again. ill be able to just EXIST guilt-free#i dont think ive felt guilt-free for just existing the way i do since like. turning 20#i know my mom wouldve loved if i stayed home forever. and im sad i cant be there for her#but ever since i had a fight with my dad at 15 or 16 it just really felt like he didnt want me there more and more#maybe as the youngest he was resenting that i was preventing him from becoming an empty nester or something. i dont know#because all the other kids had been moved out and on their own at least once but i had never left home before#i dont know if he'd be heartbroken or not to hear that i feeling like he was resenting me. but thats the energy i was picking up for years#i dunno. i dont know#anyway. back to housing. for now im going to try to relax and store energy for the moving process#the huge pile of things by the kitchen? i dont have to worry about that becoming permanent because we're leaving in 2 months#the general discord of the state of our possessions? we have to go through everything to pack it all anyway. we can move in RIGHT this time#when we moved in here we didnt have a car or license so we were dependent on latimers 3-hr-drive-away parents to help us move#just /across town/. and we had a whole month between leases! but it still had to be done in a weekend
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#my dads back in ohio again so im back on my own. i still feel terrible but at least i have a plan#i have 2 weeks of this semester left. so i have to not fail my genomics exam and work on a group project plus grade a bunch#shouldnt be too hard but everything makes me so tired rn and i just feel this barrier between myself and everything else#even when my dad was here. i just dont kno how to feel happy. just varied levels of stress#but after the semester is over ill have to find a job for the summer. which super stresses me out bc i havent really had a real job outside#academia and im worried about how stressful ill find it bc im sure its gonna suck but at least i wont have to work on my project#i just think if i had a normal job that doesnt dominate every aspect of my life id feel a little less terrible. or at least i wouldnt send#myself spiralling so much. if i stay here i might not survive it#but what if ill just make myself miserable wherever i am? i dunno. but im gonna try to find a non academic job this summer with the epa or#maybe the usgs. i mean ive gota a bachelor's and a masters in environmental topics. that's gotta count for something#just get a government job. pray for a not terrible set of coworkers. and build something from there#it just sucks bc i feel like everythings falling apart and like i kno if i gave it my all i could pull thru and get my phd but im just so#tired of struggling against something everyone else can do. i just cant read at a level appropriate for what im doing#ugh. i dont wanna study for genomics. i just wanna sleep. i just wish i wasn't in this position#and now i a baby about it. i mean my sisters r in similar positions bc the youngest is currently looking for a teaching job. and my middle#sister is looking to move to new york city in the next 6 months and she'd be quitting her job for that. so we're all sorta in flux#i just wanna not be flailing. not watch my hopes and dreams collapse. be excited about anything. im just sad bc i have to make hard choices#even if i know theyre the right ones to make if i want to continue to exist. sometimes u cant have the things u wany.#and that sucks and i hate it. theme of the year: sometimes life sucks and theres nothing u can do abt it#unrelated
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the funny thing about being aro is that I am genuinely afraid of being alone for the rest of my life, but if anyone even STARTS to imply that it's because I'm never gonna have a joyful and fulfilled life without a romantic partner it makes me so mad I see red
#its. a fear born from a society entirely structured around amanormativity.#im not afraid ill never Find Someone im afraid that all the people ive already found will leave#because this (western) society puts so much emphasis on romantic relationships that any friendships or familial bonds#are instantly made lesser.#so many of my friends and siblings have pushed their relationships with friends (and me) to the side because they have this...#..idk. Bigger And More Important relationship to maintain.#and its all well and good when Everyone has that Bigger Relationship but when someone doesnt want one???#theyre kind of left in the dust. by everyone. and it sucks#im not saying all the people ive ever known have done this and its unfair to say that everyone Will do this#but idk. there's fear there that i dont know if ill ever be able to shake.#BUT AT THE SAME TIME if anyone tries to say being aro makes my life depressing and sad and empty i am KILLING THEM WITH HAMMERS#aro joy is perhaps my favorite thing on earth. everyone go look at my pinned post right now#anyway idk. kind of a ramble i just got started thinking about all this#winter speaks#<- ish#aro tag#i should start tagging this LMAO
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God. God. God. Holy fucking shit i love Avatar so fucking much
#horse.txt#im being so real right now it breaks my goddamn heart that so many people hate it on principle and go into it waiting to be disappointed#like. god. seriously? how do so few people seem to see the shit im seeing? how do people not GET its RIGHT THERE???#idk man im like. high and the hd release is out so it feels like Christmas but this shit has been on my mind and its at like a precipice#its one thing when ppl just aren't into it but the absolute LOATHING and DISDAIN people harbour for these movies is just. baffling#i cant understand it#i hate statistics. why did it have to pan out this way#how can anybody hate this production literally decades in the making? the fucking DEFINITION of a Passion Project?#the labour and love and inventive GENIUS that has gone into these films--and#you know what? the writing ISN'T that fucking awful. its not perfect because no movie is ever fucking perfect and sometimes you#have to give a script and characters breathing room. room to make mistakes!!! because this fucking obsession with#'characters dont have to be realistic!' is BULLSHIT. and NO saying that does not conflict with the idea that Characters=/=real ppl in#discourse!the ideas can fucking coexist! having realistic characters is GOOD its fucking GOOD when theyre stupid and do shit you dont like!#because thats what REAL PEOPLE DO thats what makes them fucking COMPELLING thats what youre SUPPOSED to let draw you in!!!!!!#but noooo no no no no keep repeating your smurf pocahontas jokes and roll your eyes at anyone who does like it like theyre stupid#because you can't be assed to give something a chance just because everyone Else is calling it stupid#and you dont want them to roll their eyes at /you/#i know this is dumb to be so heated about but im just. im sad man. im happy im having a great day!! but im sad#about how few people i can share it with yk..???
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🦴
#im like very much having a crisis right now... i mean to most ppl it isnt that serious lmaoooo#but tbh i am a loser and tumblr is 80% of my life and most of my social life#all social interactions i get are on tumblr ._.#so i dont want to keep alienating myself on it because then im just ruining it for myself and removing the only place#and source of social interaction and attention :/#i personally can not for my life comprehend this because i really dont take other peoplës venting personally#but ever since i started using twitter and tumblr i have ruined so many connections .. by venting on my own account.....#and now.. when i lost and fucked it up with the love of my life... just bc i vented and he interpreted it from his pov..#and got hurt when i wrote things abt being lonely and unwanted WHILE talking to him everyday and having him call me beautiful and care abt m#... i understand why he got hurt and i understand his pov bc it looked like i pulled away and distanced myself and only complained and that#he didnt matter to me when in fact he was EVERYTHING to me and i lived off his attention#i hate that i ruined the best thing i could ever have just bc i have this pathological need to share my every thought#like shut the fuck up... i wish i wouldve shut the fuck up and instead gushed abt how much i liked him which was what i wanted to do#my avpd just made me feel stupid bc when i did he didnt interact with those posts and then i felt embarrassed#which like i know how fucking stupid avpd and bpd makes me and i hate it but i cant stop it#god i regret it so much like my dumb ass blog isnt worth losing him over... it just isnt#only an online connection.. makes it so hard to see bc he only saw my diary where i complain he didnt see everything else :(((#so he thought that he wasnt important to me and then slowly started to detach himself from me (understandably) god i wanna die#so yeah ive started to HATE my main account. bc it has ruined so much for me. plus lately ppl have started being mean#and i get it its the internet ppl suck but i AM so fkn sensitive. and i get sad and hurt really easily#and i feel anxious abt venting bc im scared of getting a mean ask after#like... i feel so fucking alone and idk what to do. all i want to do now is vent vent vent but ive started to feel like venting is bad#and harmful and only ruins my friendships and connections and makes ppl be mean to me#i honestly wish i wouldve stopped venting every thought looooong ago#and that i had a more normal blog and had a secret vent blog and that he didnt read all my miserable posts#bc then maybe.... he wouldve actually understood how much i fkn love him and hadnt looked in other places and now i lost him#bc i really dont blame him bc i know what he is struggling with and seeing me who he cares for so much say those things...#i get it 100% and thats why im so pissed with myself for just not stopping!!!! why cant i stop????? whats wrong with me#i just feel so lonely and like no ones listening but he was listening to me i just had to be brave and go to him#plus all my venting made him think that im like in severe emotional distress every second and that i was too fragile to talk to
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i can't think about drawing right now I HAVE THINGS TO DO!!!
#sigh...im so busy these days.#old art is on queue right now I have drawn anything in a while <-read: yesterday#anyway i really want to do doodle reqs because I just reached 800 followers#but I dont think I'll able (so so busy) to which is sad.#its so hard...I'm constantly bombarded by hilarious visions and i can do nothing about it#I think im gonna go on break for a bit. (knowing me this probably won't work out but. yeah)#I just. really need to get it together and i think im gonna stop posting for a week or something. i dont know#Its hard because I really wanna celebrate...but I have so much to do#why is literally everything in october I think we should make nothing important happen in october so we can focus our energies on#daily october drawing challenges and halloween. life could be a dream.#anyway. when i get more time (hopefully soon) I'll HOPEFULLY have some halloween art to share. sighhhhhh#theres a lot of things I want to do for this blog that I just dont have the time for at this moment and its killing me#you know that meme where its like “I just need to get through this week” yeah. thats me#anyway idk why i said all of that but. its break time again
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maybe the reason im so upset about it isnt cuz she broke up wme but because all that waiting over the summer just feels so worthelss now. like i know we couldnt talk as much or be around each other as much but i was waitingall summer like when we get back all we'll do is be together!!!! all of the 'new relationship syndrome especially now that its long distance' stuff will be fixed when we get back!! but were over and theres no chanec of fixing it because were over and its just like what if we waited what if we just figured it out for another few weeksand see where it went form there
#its not just that its also cuz she knew she wouldnt have a lot oftiem in the semester & also shes entitled to her experiences but its like#all summer we talked aboutall the things wed do together whenwe got back to campus so its like#all of that imagining is going to waste you know. and it makes me really really sad#cuz we had so many plans only for all of them to go in the air a week before school starts#and i guess i feel let down about all of it (which isnt her fault) because why did we say all that only for us to break up :(#and she told me breaking up was something sehd only recently started thinking about so its like#the emotional part of me is wondering why cant we just wait it out for a few weeks and find out of this is really worth saving you know#cuz it just feels so sudden like we werent meant to end just yet#it doesnt feel right. like we literally only just started you know#and she said she didnt feel like dragging me along whiel she figured shit out#which is kind btu i guess to me its like i would prefer being dragged along because at least then ill start to feel the pain of it too#cuz where we are right now i didnt even feel any sort of weirdness i thought everything was going so well#like id rather break up when i do feel something bad#not BEFORE i feel something bad you know???#but also its more than just about that. like she told me that she felt werid and i dont think she would have broken up with me for no reaso#like im sure she did it becuase she felt right about it and im not mad at her about it#im just really really sad cuz i really thought we were doing so good. like just last week she was saying how much she missedme#sorry ugh i know im ranting so much about it but i dont feel like bringing this up with my friends yet cuz its just so embarrinsg being lik#hey so you know how totally obsessed we were with each other. well we broke up not even 5 months later haha so embarrsing#like it all just feels like... what did we do all that for!!! what did we spend all summer telling each other we loved each other for!#but again just cuz i didnt feel like it was the end doesnt mean she didn't. she did say she felt werid but ughhhh i dont fucking know#im just really surprised and sad about it
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counting down the hours till i can go home and get stoned as fuck and pretend i dont exist for a bit
#everything is so much 🫠#i have. so many things i need to spend money on. and so little funds#wife starts school soon and i have So Much to figure out with that#and im just. barely more than sleepwalking through my days right now#and im sad and full of grief for so many things and people#i wasted a year on something that just left me worse off and for what#I dont know how much longer i can live like this#i want to enjoy things again. i gave too much of myself and now so much of what i liked is tainted#how do i enjoy my life when i can barely stumble from one day to the next#hrrrrrgh#whatever#if You are reading this and feeling upset thats Not on me and also leave me alone youre blocked for a reason go away go away go away
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very busy babysitting a duo of kittens (only two months old) the last few days but i shall be drawing when i return home (this includes requests)
and also if anyone wants to see the babies send an ask and i can post them in response hehe i have taken SO many photos
#yew branch#also i just missed a step on the stairs going down and ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow#i am now trapped on the couch until my back stops exploding at least a bit#upside tho is that the kittens are playing together on the couch#sometimes right on my lap!! theyre so so so so cute#i adore them#BUT YEAH i shall be drawing when i return home provided my back allows me to sit upright by that time#bc it sure isnt rn GDJSGJS#im sad ill have to go home tho.. these kittens are some of the cutest beasts alive#life is worth living because every day kittens are playing and having fun#i miiiiiiight be able to indirectly take one#one of my best friends might possibly be able/willing to take one and keep her with her own cat for me#until i move out of my parents house mid next year#so i might get to have... kitten that ive watched grow up from newborns...#the story behind these kittens is that one of my other best friends took in a stray and she turned out to be pregnant#and had these two!!#im also watching the three adult cats in this house but theyre not nearly as much of a handful#as can be imagined this friend is very tired of having 5 cats in the house regardless of how small two of them are GDJSVSN#which is very very understandable#i dont think i would want five cats unless i had a fairly large house. if i had a large house and plenty of free time most of each day#to give them play time and tons of affection#as well as the physical ability to keep up with them all#then id gladly have five cats#who knows maybe someday ill have a nice big house and plenty of spare time and my ddd will be under control#but that doesnt seem likely#aside from ddd being managed! because i have a pain relieving steroid injection tomorrow and then ill be starting physical therapy!!#im excited and i have a lot of hope for at least the physical therapy to help#PLUS THEY HAVE A POOL FOR PHYSICAL THERAPY!!!!!!! AND I LOVE SWIMMING ESPECIALLY AS A GENTLE WORKOUT#and low impact things are very important for my body specifically i cant do high impact exercise or itll hurt me#plus i just love being in water i swear i was meant to be an aquatic elf from dnd
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i have this weird thing where i want ppl to be really nice to me and pet me and etc but like, i know that’s not possible, at least for me, cause no ones ever gonna see me as a cat. i’m just some guy asking for attention, not this cat you spotted and wanna call over, i am just never gonna feel as innocent as i want to. it hurts so fucking bad
#kitty talks#on the come down of the shrooms and felt a lot today and im thinking a lot and i’m just like haha idk i rlly wish inwas a cat#i wish i could never feel a thing ever. i want thr bliss cats have. i want ro be loved. i wanna be cute. i jusy wanna be small#ive been edging breaking down for so long but it really does suck i really jusy wanna be hugged but i dont wanna be Hugged i wanna be hugged#and i wanr ro cuddle but not like that. i want to be a cat that crawls into bed with someone warm bc i like their heat. i uusy#i dont know i feel so fucking weird rn and it’s mostly bc im like fuck dude is this jusy how ill be forever like am i seriously not gonna +#get over this. am i just gonna live my life begging to be loved like something im not?#am i even acearo? like i am but do i really know what i mean by when i say i dont Like that stuff?#like am i just not interested bc i know it’ll never be possible to truly Be Like That with no worry?#idont know im jusy really sad and im cold and i wish someone was kissing me right now and i wish i was being squeezed#and i am also so tired of dressing up just to feel uglier but i love dressing up and make up too much to Not do it#idk. basically. i wish i was a cat and i wish i didn’t frel ugly all the time
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