#and it doesn’t feel like burnout so wtf is my problem??

[seer-cant-knit]

patterns in my ravelry library: 547

skeins of lovely yarn in my stash, of various weight/yardage: 609

combinations that will actually get made this month and feel exactly right enough to make my brain want to do more of the thing without feeling mildly frustrated the whole time: 0 prob idk anymore

[wovenstarlight]

YWBK update: chapter 25 + liner notes

yesterday will be kinder has updated! you can read chapter 25 here, or start from the beginning here

okay, on to notes and commentary! first time i’m doing these, let’s hope this works out. commentary under the cut to save people’s dashes

Hamin laughs. “Given how bad you are at not being suspicious, that’s understandable.” “Oh, come on, I’m not that bad.” Hamin screws up his whole face in a squint. “Okay, so maybe I’m a little bad.”

this part was really funny to me when i wrote it because i was like “hmm reasons for DHM to understand why HHJ wouldn’t work in the guild” and then i was like Wait. Their Whole First Meeting, Dude. DHM was lowkey convinced for the longest time that HHJ was like, on the run from the KR version of the mafia, and got plastic surgery to look like his little brothers, and is possibly in some sort of witness protection program??? or something??? how else does he not have cops on his ass this man is so suspicious all the time

“I don’t think… They said the dungeons were, like, different worlds? Did they find people there?”

mafia theory second place. dungeon theory first place

“Like, humans? Um. No, no humans.” “So then you can’t be from there. Okay.”

dungeon theory shot down. mafia theory back in the running

“Hey,” he says cautiously. “I’m— I’m gonna go get us some water, okay? Why don’t you… take a minute.” “Okay.” “The bathroom is over there, if you need it.” “Okay. Thank you.”

after four years working alongside a guy you start to notice when he’s feeling a little out of it and needs a bit of a break... but as JHW mentions later you also learn to be a little subtle about giving him one

jung heewon What’s with your typing? It reads like Jihye’s [HYJ]’s fine. Very energetic Too energetic? He’s going to burn out. How do I make him calm down

Epic Burnout Man makes a reappearance! when translating sclass one of the things that makes me want to shake HYJ most is his habit of constantly adding things to his to-do list while he already has 1 billion things on his plate. and all the time he’s whining about “UGH there’s SO MUCH WORK to do” No One Asked You To Do It

Anyway. the point is. HYJ isn’t about to be beat by HHJ at Developing Issues 😔

jung heewon I haven’t spoken to him directly about this because if he’s anything like you he’ll take it as an insult You wtf whts tht supposed 2 mean quit typing jung heewon Better not say shit, mr “No, I can’t take days off and cater to my interests or go out with friends or on a date, I’m too busy taking care of the kids and making sure their needs are met, no I don’t care that there are thousands of people out there balancing personal enjoyment and romance and work AND kids at the same time, are you suggesting I be a BAD GUARDIAN to MY KIDS?”

see above re: not being too direct with pointing out when HHJ’s having Issues because he doesn’t react well

You wht but our eyes r fine jung heewon Even if having glasses doesn’t run in the family, you should still get him checked, just in case

top 10 funny time travel moments: referring to you and your past self as “us” (our = my eyes are fine), but other people think you mean “our family” (our eyes are fine = no family history of long/shortsightedness)

Also. Sooyoung-ie says hi [Attachment: 20XX1213_144516.jpg] 

ok no lie this was one of the parts that pissed me off the most, even though it’s Literally One Line, because. i love chat exchanges. i really do. when done right they’re a lot of fun to read. But Do You Know How Long It Took Me To Figure Out A Calendar For The Events In This Fic. now everything’s TIMED i have to count HOW MANY DAYS IT’S BEEN since XY event so i can CORRECTLY NUMBER the FILE ATTACHMENTS!!! this sucks!!! it took me fucking forever to pin down a timeline just so i could write this chapter plus the few before and after it!!!!

anyway i gave up when i reached year. i just put 20XX. fuck it. we are running on fairy tail time now. (actually i think that’s XXnumber number? XX76? or was it X796. something like that. Who cares i stopped watching fairy tail forever ago)

Fuck it! Hamin will understand!! “If you Awaken you should come work with me,” Han Hyunjae says all in a rush. 

“HAMIN WILL UNDERSTAND” => he literally was cool with me giving zero context for half a dozen absolute balls to the wall nonsense bullshit things i’ve done before. he’ll be fine with this too. dog_in_burning_house_this_is_fine.png

“You already know about the guilds, those are going to be for dungeon Hunters, but I was thinking of forming something like an independent group of contractors. Awakened people with skills that aren’t useful for combat, but that might… that will be generally useful. It’d be you and me, and maybe one other guy I met recently. Probably more in the future.”

given that HHJ has no idea currently that peace exists (i’m so sorry baby i’ll find a way to shoehorn you in soon i miss you so much) he’s got no intentions to start a kiseungsu business yet! he mostly wants to live quietly while just acting as a manager for other Awakening-related services, like YMW’s forge and DHM’s tracking service, along with the information exchange/lowkey spy ring that he’s planning on setting up with JHW and the bar. since HYH is fine associating with him in this timeline, HHJ’s thinking he can get a foot in the door that way, then eventually spread out into dealings with most major guild leaders

RIP to this plan. you were well-made but you will not last long.

“Please, I can’t tell you how I know that, I really can’t, it’d put me and my brothers in danger if it got out. But—” “No need.” Hamin looks slightly alarmed, and Han Hyunjae feels himself settle at the obvious concern in his eyes.

MAFIA THEORY RAPIDLY RISING TO PROMINENCE??? THIS IS NOT HOW DO HAMIN WANTED HIS GUESS CONFIRMED

“I spoke to the Task Force Head and she said that there’s been discussion about hosting a meeting for the nearby high-rankers, where they’ll announce the guild proposal and see who else is interested in trying it out.”

“they’ll announce” i’m sorry king 💔 you deserved a nap

(OH ALSO FUN FACT choi eunyoung is a canon character, not an OC of mine! she appears in uhhh i think late 140s? 150s? something like that)

“I think there’s… probably only one other S-rank who’s Awakened right now?”

Hehehehehehehehehehehehehhehe

Hamin beams. “No, they’re doing great! Spookie’s taken really well to the new housing situation, but I think Spots might miss the store…”

shoutout to @daemonic-dawn​ for letting me borrow a pet name, love u king. i had a much longer ramble about pet names here but i finished typing and realized it was all entirely off topic so i removed it for convenience

Hyunjae makes an annoyed noise in the back of his throat. “Don’t— I mean.” He huffs, visibly taking a deep breath, and Yoojin frowns reflexively. [...] “Is everything alright?” Yoojin kind of wants to be annoyed at his tone on principle, but he forces his shoulders to relax, matching Hyunjae’s posture. Though he can’t stop himself from being a little short when he answers.

things the brothers have learned in four years living together: getting confrontational often leads to arguments that just fizzle out anyway, so it’s way fucking easier to consciously tone down their combativeness in advance when talking to each other about things they have problems with, instead of screaming their heads off and then having to calm yoohyun down afterwards to boot

“I guess. Whatever.” Yoojin slumps. “Can I…” “Hm?” Hyunjae blinks at Yoojin as he gestures to the spot on the bed beside him, then jolts. “Oh! Yeah, sure, c’mere.” He opens his arms, and Yoojin goes over and flumps on the bed, head in Hyunjae’s lap. Almost immediately, Hyunjae starts stroking fingers through his hair, and Yoojin relaxes into the touch, listening as Hyunjae continues speaking.

cuddles 🥺🥺🥺 sorry i don’t have any other commentary here just. cuddles. extremely and overwhelmingly comforting for a man who spent the better part of 8 years(?) with no major positive relationships, and a kid who spent 12 years of early life basically abandoned by his parents. you had best bet they gave up on not hugging each other 1 year into this whole mess

Yoojin hums in acknowledgement. It’s not like he’d ever let himself get hurt; he has too many responsibilities to his family and friends. If he wants to be good enough to keep up, he can’t afford to fuck up like that. But… hyung will worry if he keeps working so hard. He can slow down a little for him. 

Problems disorder man when will you stop. the way he sees “getting hurt” as an inconvenience and an obstacle to his duties rather than a danger to himself. the way he doesn’t really care if he himself gets hurt, but if it’ll worry his family, then it’s a no-no. it’s just. wow. i know i wrote this but i hate him

“Not really. I talk to Myeongwoo about it sometimes.” “Ah, right, Myeongwoo.”

haha gays

“Don’t be weird about him,” Yoojin warns[...]. “I won’t, promise.”

if the “i won’t” line had a dialogue tag it’d be “Han Hyunjae lied”

“Is Eunwoo still in his relationship?” “Mhm, happy as ever. Apparently they’re trying long-distance, now that Eunwoo’s gone off to university abroad.”

three guesses for who eunwoo’s dating and you won’t need the first two

Hyunjae raises his hands like he’s going to deny the accusations levelled against him, so Yoojin seizes him by the collar and shakes him until he cries for mercy

oh my o/rv ass struggled so bad with not writing “shakes him like a man betrayed” here. it killed me not to. but in the end i prevailed (against, uh, myself. don’t think about it too hard.)

“Jeez, okay, he’s an F-rank!” “Eh?! Then why—” “He’s also got an SS-rank potential skill,” Hyunjae admits[...].

play-by-play of this scene because god if i draw any scene in this fic it would be this one just for the sheer hysterical nature of HYJ’s reaction:

YOOJIN: I HATE YOU WHAT THE FUCK WHY. TELL ME HIS RANK

HYUNJAE: HE’S AN F

YOOJIN: WHAT? WHAT THE FUCK?

HYUNJAE: he’s also got an SS-rank skill,

YOOJIN:

[hwastronomy]

so i have a twitter account specifically for bts stuff. and by bts stuff i mean following their twitter, a bunch of official accounts like bighit and merch accounts, some translators, a bunch of hourly accounts and specifically that one account that compares jin to fridges. shoutout to that one account because it’s the only twitter account that should be allowed to exist but i digress

anyway with the comeback and everything it’s really become clear to me that i (still) strongly prefer tumblr. like i kinda streamed butter a bit but that was entirely because i was listening to it on repeat anyway because it slaps, but the fact that basically every single tweet is always followed by a ‘here’s a link to streaming goals’ or whatever is ...a lot. and some accounts were posting a lot about how many streams are still needed and so on and i ended up unfollowing them. like the posts i’ve seen on tumblr have very much been ‘if you want to stream, sure, knock yourself out, but under no circumstance should you feel obligated to do so or feel bad for not doing that. also streaming culture in general has problems here’s more thoughts on that’. meanwhile on twitter it’s all ‘go stream more now’ ‘here’s our goals go stream go buy’. kinda makes me wonder how much those ppl on twitter are enjoying this (not that you can’t, but no wonder a few accounts of the very small handful have closed/gone on break because it all feels like a ride headed directly to burnout)

i also just feel sad that a certain (and probably the most vocal, at least from what i’ve experienced) part of army has made making new records their main goal and the main way to appreciate bts. because idk if this is sustainable, and i’m scared that if the upwards trajectory of numbers doesn’t continue there’s a possible breaking point for a lot of fans. no idea what could happen then but i doubt it’d be that nice. i’m also sad that there’s probably many new fans who only know that side of army. i’ll also of course feel sad for bts themselves if this happens (and i do really hope it’s an if) but tbh i think they’ll be able to handle it (especially given how grammys went and how clearly they were prepared for that to go that way), they (should) have the support and i believe they have pretty realistic ideas of how stuff will go. yeah bts themselves will be okay. it’s the numbers-obsessed part of army that i’m worried about. i’m obviously happy that bts is getting the records and etc but yeah i’m worried about the fan culture that comes with that

oh and a completely selfish and very much specifically applicable to the way i listen to music reason why i am not a fan of the whole streaming thing - i /will/ just listen to one song on repeat for hours for a few days straight because sometimes a song just hits right(tm). wtf do you mean that’s bot behaviour now i am not a bot. imo the streaming playlists look much more inorganic to me, how does one ever listen to a playlist and not have it on repeat??? my brain makes the happy juice another way no thanks no streaming playlists for me only chaos

[st4r-c0d3]

Me explaining my mha kins to the best of my ability-?

uhh idk

I honestly had started ranting about my kins out loud earlier so I thought 'why not make it into a tumblr post?'

so this is me doing that lol

Bakugo: I'm an insecure bitch. That's it. (I also have the mouth of a sailor.) Ok but really? I've been told that I'm aggressive, intimidating, and most of the time people tell me they were scared of me when they first met me. Also I've been told countless times that I look scary but people talk to me because my clothing choices say the opposite. I also think I'm worse than everyone. Like all the time. But if there are things I know I'm better at I flex it like a million bucks because holy shit the validation to know that I'm not that useless. Plus I cover up all my insecurities with a blanket of false confidence 95% of the time. I'm also blind to anything relationship wise and can hardly tell the difference between platonic and romantic which I highly hc him as also being blind too bc it just makes sense (also makes me feel better but we aren't talking about that right now.)

Kirishima: I'm the mom friend. Totally doesn't seem like it? Considering I'm the most irresponsible of all the people I associate myself with. But I'm the one people come to first when they need help. Including my parents which is kinda scary cause if I need help I'm more than likely fucked. Anyways, I'm energetic even when I don't wanna be. That's where the blanket of false confidence comes into play y'all. Sometimes I act overly confident like Bakugo, but there are also times where I just declare I'm gonna do my best and end up failing like Kirishima. I also voice my insecurities quite often around the people I know I can get validation from. I also always end up becoming friends with the people everyone hates unless I have a reason to also hate said person.

Sero: I'm plain and overlooked like Sero. It hurts? But tis true. Also gifted kid burn-out. I tend to be chill in situations where the majority of people would be freaked out but I freak out in chill situations. I'm also the person everyone either forgets about or straight up doesn't know I'm there unless I make my presence known. I am perfectly fine with it though even though I'm insecure about it. I'm also a nervous talker (as this could be seen as a Deku kinnie thing I refuse to label myself as a Deku kinnie no matter how much I relate to the fucker.)

Shinsou: I have no clue what a sleep schedule is. I don't sleep unless I absolutely can't fight it. I also have insomnia. I mentioned this earlier but gifted kid burnout. I feel the need to work twice as hard as everyone else does even if I don't need to. I'm an ambivert but I prefer to be alone when I have the chance. Originally didn't want friends but now I'm emotionally attached to people :,)

Denki: I constantly fidget and hate being called stupid/dumb. I'm also a very touchy person even though I hate being touched if I'm not the one to instigate it. I am in fact touch-starved. I'm loud even though I hate it. I'm told I'm social and charismatic even though I'm also socially awkward and dislike social situations. I do know how to talk to people though. I'm not that good in most subjects (even though I had straight A's all the time before the whole burnout thing) but I've never had a grade lower than an A in literature and english/grammar. Typically seen as the most annoying person to be around (especially if I'm talking about things I'm passionate about. Also when I'm being aggressive cause it mixes and it's weird.) I also wear chokers all the time and finger gun my way out of every awkward situation I put myself in.

Toga: If I get passionate about something it becomes an obsession. Like an unhealthy obsession. I tend to whine a lot? I also have a weird fascination and whether this makes me more of a Toga kinnie or just a creep is still to be determined. I like knives (I can't explain this at all and I'm sorry for that.) I'm very jumpy whether it's from excitement or just me being bubbly depends on the situation. I like talking about death for some reason. People that I end up having romantic feelings become all that I think about (not in a romantic or cheesy way I've been told its lowkey annoying and creepy.) Also gender envy? Like with her whole "wanting to become the people she loves" thing? I suffer from that but in the form of gender envy and wishing I was that person because their cool and I'm a loser.

I REFUSE TO ADMIT I'M A DEKU KINNIE BUT

Deku: If I really care about something I'd die for it. I'm ok with risking my life for pretty much anything as long as it makes sense to me. I talk to myself in a very similar fashion to the way he mutters to himself. If I get emotionally invested I will risk everything to make someone feel better (I mean how he handle Todoroki's trauma.) I tend to rant on things I hyper fixate on/am really passionate about. I guess I work hard? In passing conversations I've heard multiple times that people are jealous of me? Also it scares me the amount of times people have confessed that they had a crush on me. But like never when they do?? Like I get confessions a year or so later. Or from other people they tell me that someone else used to/still likes me. I'm also known as a problem child when it comes to pretty much any adult in my life.

I hate how long the Deku one is

IM NOT A DEKU KINNIE I SWEAR WTF

I feel like I kin to many people from mha but it might be that it's my current hyper fixation

I think the only other animes/form of medias that I know I kin someone from are Sk8 (I'm a Miya kinnie), Magnus Chase (I kin Alex and honestly it's the kin I'm most proud of), Monster High (this was years ago and im just now thinking about it but probably Clawdeen) and probably HoO cause like Nico.

[purge-that-urge-rhackathon]

Sorry if this is rude or controversial but personally I don't feel inspired to write a long review documenting what I liked and how I felt when an author doesn't respond to it. I know you say that you read them but it's very similar to your issue in that if there's no acknowledgement then you're not inspired. I don't feel inspired to comment anymore. This goes to you and plenty of other authors out there.

It -is- rude, anon (I appreciate your politeness, but this is a huge problem with fandoms as a whole and it is rude af). And not just controversial– it’s mean, unfair, entitled, and selfish. You’re definitely not putting yourself in a writer’s shoes or seeing it from the side of the creator who is putting the work out there for you to freely consume. Have you ever in your life spent eight hours to write a comment to someone on something they wrote? Yeah, no one has. But that’s how long it can take to get a chapter said and done that you enjoyed. You think that’s a fair distribution of work? Fair by any means?

Me: Spends 8-12hrs of my collective free time writing an 8-10k words chapter update, hopes for a few sentences of what someone likes.

You: Before I even consider writing what I liked, I’m just not gonna do it because the writer won’t acknowledge me for me leaving them a comment.

Also you: why hasn’t this fic updated yet wtf?

Let me see if I can get this straight by what facts have been presented: you want fic which you enjoy reading, which writers spend hours and hours putting work into, and the writer wants 60 seconds of a reader’s time back to say what they enjoyed (not 60 straight seconds of typing mind– that’s quite a lot- but more than a quick “thanks loved it”), and you consider it -unfair- that -you- should spend the time to let the writer know you liked stuff, if the writer doesn’t reply back to you after they’ve already spent hours producing content you probably spent less than 1hr consuming (average reading speed being about ~200wpm).

So it’s not worth it to you to support your writer or let them know the content you’re consuming– again, for -free-, and shared by the writer who already knows the story in their mind and has no other incentive to share it publicly with others except for the incentive of getting comments from others– was enjoyed by you unless they personally get back to you (and by that merit, every other person who comments, which takes away from other time that could be spent writing) so therefore you don’t leave a nice comment? Writers aren’t mind readers, if you want to engage in conversation, go for it! Have a question? Chances are they’ll answer it!

If someone leaves me a question or wants some clarification on something (or is inviting conversation of ‘hey is this happening in this au?’ or proposing something or whatever), I end up answering the comment. If there’s no question, I put what free time I have -back- into producing more content I post online for others to read for free, and when they comment, I flip my shit and typity type type up a storm.

Commenting is like tipping someone for their service. “Hey thanks for the service, I really enjoyed my meal, here’s your tip.” But you only tip if I’m tipping you -back-, anon? What? Like I’m not even sure what you expect back from a writer (if it’s a question answered, yeah, that’s something) but like, do you want accolades back just for commenting? o_O?

And let’s just drop the service/meal analogy all together (cuz you didn’t pay for the fic in the first place, yeah?), and say, you really think you’re entitled to read work without giving back? Aaaaall these choices online, you get to read what you enjoy, and you don’t think you owe someone the courtesy to leave something nice? Or are you feeling guilty and don’t like that I’m calling that shit out? It’s not cool, dude. It’s not nice, nor is it at all a fair thing for you to say or take exception to. It’s WRONG that people stop commenting. That shouldn’t even be controversial jfc like are you aware a lot of writers fully delete their shit because they think people don’t care? You think you’re not part of the problem?

I want to take a second to say I appreciate you being polite, and if you’ve been on my blog for a while you know how fucking ornery shit like this makes me, I don’t know your situation (some folks don’t have the spoons and that’s fair; but this is not your stated case) and it just REALLY pisses me off that it can come off as me, a writer, being seen as some raging bitch just because I think writers should be given their fair due for the massive amounts of work out in. Did you see the post earlier on “just how long is this fanfic?” and it compares them to books? No one is getting paid to write and publish the shit you enjoy (some fic writers do patreon but that’s a minority, and some folks are cool and buy kofis for their writers but it’s not required to read the work).

I'ts a thankless fucking job putting up fic. The best we hope for is a nice comment back about how someone is enjoying the piece. Artsy folks contribute sometimes not in commenting, but drawing art of your shit, because your work inspired them– and thusly added to more stuff for the community to enjoy, which is just fucking RAD. Commenting is GOOD and a productive thing, but I’m still lost over how you think you need a reply back when the writer already gave you so much.

Being on both sides of the argument myself– as someone who -does- leave longer comments and also writes a fuckton– and i’m nearly at 1million words in 3years anon so you don’t have a leg to stand on here unless you expose your identity and have something comparable that you’ve provided free of charge to the fandom at large- I will say this: leaving the longer, documenting comments as you call it -can- take a bit more effort, yes. I’ve got panic disorder, and wanting to leave writers something nice for the effort they put in can make me anxious, yes. It’s more work and can be daunting. But it is SO worth it for the payoff (I.e. Fueling the writer which has them create even MORE).

But seeing the rate at which writers get -discouraged- cuz of lack of feedback on truly awesome work (and a LOT of us creative types are somewhere on the depressive spectrum, comments mean more to a writer than you think) I can stand to put in a little extra effort for how much the relief of escape of reading their freely-available work gives me. I don’t need to ego-pat, but letting them know I appreciate their command of language or little things I haven’t seen before in fic can make SUCH a difference.

And sometimes I just don’t have the time for a documenting-type comment (esp. as a lot of us read in bed when we’re already exhausted; I understand that), and as someone with a busy life outside of the internet, I’ll still leave a nice comment with general impressions and let them know I’m anxious for the next update and I’m loving what they’re doing with characters/storyline/whatever stood out after reading 8,000+ words. Hell anon, there are enough super-popular posts floating around this hellsite about how much a goddamn -keysmash- comment means to someone. There’s a lot of emotion in one of those is the silly thing, but it communicates a LOT.

I can leave writers more than a 1% word tip, if you will, for what they give me. 8 well-meant words on an 8k fic is still better than “thanks I loved it”. And I don’t expect writers to have to thank me profusely for leaving them a comment. They ALREADY did me a favor by putting so much work and time into an enjoyable story for me. They didn’t get revenue from me buying their book. But I sure as hell read it. And they definitely don’t need to waste their time with a generic “thank you” reply when I already know they’ve gotten the notification that the comment is there, and they will see it. They should enjoy the comment I left as much as I enjoyed the story, in my opinion, and sometimes I think my comments fall short, but I still leave several nice sentences for them.

Fandom as a whole does NOT do right by its content creators. No, no one can be 100% on all the damn time, let alone have the spoons to do it. I’m a prime example of fandom burnout.

But to feel justified not giving back? That is some fucked up shit, and people with those mindsets don’t deserve the access they have to so much awesome fanart/fanfic out there, and yes, you should feel ashamed.

[sidenotelife]

Residency in the time of corona, Follow the science, 201129

I have been struggling to articulate my thoughts on COVID for a while. I feel like I have a few main questions like A. What does it mean to “follow the science” and what exactly is “evidence-based medicine?” B. How important is COVID? What I wonder is, how much of our efforts in biomedicine should be re-routed to COVID from ongoing problems like HIV, drug addiction, diabetes? C. How should societal inequalities play into our response to COVID? And D. COVID fatigue. I will try to put some of these ideas together. 

About a year and a half ago I moved to Sioux Falls, South Dakota and I assumed I would live in an anonymous place for a few years. To my surprise, in that year and a half Sioux Falls has made the national news twice. sidenote – Actually now that I think about it there was also this time:

I just googled “meth we’re on it” and I found this and I have to say that I love that someone thought this was such a good idea that it had to be trademarked. Anyways, the first time Sioux Falls was in the news this year was for a COVID superspreading event that happened in a Sioux Falls meat packing plant where a lot of refugees and poor families work. At the time it got a lot of press because it was a concrete example of how the poor were preferentially being killed by COVID. White collar workers with a savings account could afford to stay at home and away from COVID but blue collar workers living paycheck to paycheck had to be out there in the community working. I was worried that this event was just the beginning and it would spread across Sioux Falls. But in fact it didn’t. The outbreak came and went and through the summer COVID was basically a non-issue. In South Dakota we were safe. We didn’t social distance. We never wore masks. And we had no COVID. It gave me a false sense of hope that we were different in South Dakota. Maybe it was the built-in distance of a rural area. Maybe it was the lack of public transportation. Who knows. I didn’t know what it was but I felt like we had dodged a bullet. Turns out I was wrong. 

Last month I was on our inpatient team and the hospital is on fire. Obviously I haven’t been a doctor for that long but I’m pretty sure right now is not normal. I think, before last month, I would have been in the camp of people saying that we do not need to be extending excess sympathy to privileged doctors for doing their job but when I was actually in the midst of it was really hard. We had more struggles to send our patients to the ICU because it was so full. We were managing sicker patients with overworked staff. When the hospitals filled up I thought it would hit a plateau but then they started double-rooming patients and then I was going down halls to see patients in rooms I had never been to before. And the patients weren’t only medically complex. I feel like we were ordering more one-to-one babysitters than ever. These are basically staff members that sit in a patient’s room to make sure they behave or at least don’t kill themselves. It’s not an incredibly common occasion to order these one-to-one’s but I swear we had more aggressive and more suicidal patients than I remember seeing. And it’s not even just the extra work or the complex patients that bothers me the most, it’s that there’s this underlying level of stress. It’s keeping up with the constant changes to sick leave policies. It’s those extra couple minutes to put on PPE when I’m already running behind to rounds. It’s when my already quiet voice is further muffled by an N95 and my patients are like what are you even saying. It’s trying to keep up with the latest information when I don’t have the time to know what information to trust. It’s when hospital leadership comes out to tell us that the pandemic is not a big deal. It’s all little things but these are the exact kinds of insidious things that lead to burnout in healthcare professionals. So now Sioux Falls is back in the news for this: 

South Dakota is demolishing the hospitalized per capita race. sidenote- My mom told me that South Dakota is even making the news in Japan. My 90 year old grandmother was like wtf is South Dakota doing on the Japan news?? This is probably the first time Japanese people have heard of Sioux Falls. The argument can be made, at least we’re not as bad as New Jersey and New York when they spiked, and certainly that’s not wrong.. but that’s also not right. This probably goes without saying but the size of the hospital infrastructure in South Dakota vs New York City is not the same. When the Sioux Falls hospitals are getting overwhelmed it doesn’t just mean that Sioux Falls suffers. All the complicated patients that typically get transferred in from the surrounding towns are getting backed up into rural community hospitals. I’m trying to get licensed to start moonlighting in one of these rural community hospitals and I can tell you that I would not feel confident taking care of ventilated patients with COVID and PE’s. And sidenote - a couple weeks ago a mask mandate for Sioux Falls got shut down and then approved all in the same week. Everything is happening so fast. I have worries about this mask mandate. I have worries about masks in general because masks has become more than a covering for your face. I do think masks are more or less a good idea and I agree that they probably help prevent COVID but I also think the effect is probably pretty minimal and that the science in support of masks is not exactly a slam dunk. To me the masks thing is representative of a greater problem with this COVID. I know we are supposed to trust the science but I’m just not sure science is made to be used at this sort of pace. Science is cumulative. The way I think about it, science is the kind of thing where one person makes a small discovery, someone else makes another small discovery, then four small discoveries come together to make a medium discovery, but one of those small discoveries turns out not to be reproducible so it takes a while to rethink that medium discovery, and then finally someone in an unrelated field stumbles upon a discovery that gets combined with that medium discovery to create a big discovery like gleevac for CML or reverse transcriptase inhibitors for HIV. If we rush to draw major policy-driving conclusions from one of those small or even medium-level discoveries then we run a major risk of overturning policies, which can get real confusing. I mean think about masks, our public health god Tony Fauci was saying in March that masks are not the end-all and now we are splitting families apart because some people just don’t want to deal with the hassle of wearing a mask. And think of the other aspects of COVID science. We’ve learned that a bunch of stuff doesn’t work (aggressive anti-coagulation,  tocilizumab, convalescent plasma), that some stuff actually makes people worse (hydroxychloroquine),  and that some stuff that has been shown to work is pretty shaky when attempts have been made to reproduce those findings (decadron, remdesevir). sidenote- should it even be a surprise that steroids may or may not help in a patient with viral ARDS? I sometimes wonder what would have happened if we had just managed these patients as ARDS/sepsis-type patients rather than COVID patients. I think the most unique thing about COVID is its non-effect on kids. That part puzzles me. Anyways, I don’t mean to be a science downer but out of respect for science I just feel we need to be realistic about what it can and cannot do. 

See you on the other side,

from ken

[topicprinter]

So right now I'm part of a startup incubator where I was recruited by the founder to be on her team. We are college students as well. She likes that I am studious and she liked my resume (Hackathons, research assistant, various jobs, and a winter data analyst internship). We're a small team of four members and we're a diverse group. Now, regarding our times in college as undergrads, this is a breakdown:My founder is a senior. She's about to leave college soon. She's an economics major with a 2.7 gpa (she's horrible at math) and the most experience she has is in real estate and babysitting. In high school she was the top of her class though, and participated in every club she could, including being the VP of track club. She's also a huge reader. She's a huge thinker, too.I am a sophomore who's aiming for a field in CS. I will do anything if it means I can be experienced in my field. I don't do it for the money, but because I think it's an absolutely wonderful place. I'm only carrying multiple duties for the team for the experience (because it's good for a tech person to understand the business/customers imo). My founder says I'm the right hand man because she interacts with me the most about the startup and trusts my research and communication abilities.The other two, the other marketing person (sister to the founder) and biochem guy (her boyfriend, who is a junior himself), are fine. They do the work, but perhaps not to the level that I anticipated at first... but they still do it. And they're very kind and wise, too.I was invited to be the 'tech officer' of the startup. Soon, my founder kind of bounces between roles, and now I'm the 'marketing lead' of the team. As the tech officer or marketing lead, I was given the task of data organization and web development, along with research and interviewing people online and on the streets, which I was psyched for because I get to learn new skills. Yay me!With time, my roles still shift around, and she tells me I can start working on gathering features for the website. Yay, now we're getting somewhere!Now, I don't know why she gets this idea, especially after a few weeks into the program, but she soon tells me, "I don't think you should work on the website..." Pause. What? I ask her why, and she doesn't really respond, but she has been talking to her cousin's father who is a web developer himself. In the past I asked her numerous times if I can get in touch with him so he could mentor me. Hasn't happened. Not even an email. Fine, I'll leave it alone for a while and do my own self studying to research (on top of difficult but enjoyable STEM classes). Maybe I can prove to her that my passion for learning will drive the business.Now, can I just say something. I'm not very confident in the idea of this startup to begin with. We have so, so, so many competitors, all of who's single flaw is one thing... not being advertised well enough. However they have a lot of credibility and their teams have plenty of expertise. We discovered this AFTER the startup began, which my founder started thinking of THREE YEARS AGO.There's too much to really say, but deep in my heart, I don't think my founder has it in her to actually do a good job with this. She's very responsible and passionate, and even won another incubator's competition, but she yet to consider her positioning in the market and what makes us stand out. This is not a tech startup either... it's in the field of skincare/pharmaceuticals. She has a difficult time balancing organizational skills, and when I watch her get stressed out over things that are quite solvable, I start to relinquish a little bit of confidence.One other awful thing is that whatever I tell her, she dismisses it until she realizes that I'm right. Every single thing I've mentioned, she says meh, until someone else mentions it or until she realizes the consequences of not following it sooner. For instance, we had a pitch recently that we were given weeks in advanced to work on. Three weeks before the pitch, I tell her we have to start preparing for it. Two weeks before, I tell her we have to start. I create a Google slides.. I'm told we shouldn't worry about it and should worry about our 'customer insights' and 'research' instead. Okay, sure. That second week, I see groups practicing. Whatever. One week before the pitch, I tell her. Nothing. Two days before the pitch, we all scramble to start doing it, but she's still not worried.Day of the pitch. It goes terribly. One of our members was reading off index cards so obviously and I was jammering my entire way through. We get a 2.4/5. She says that isn't too bad. Wtf? It was TERRIBLE. We didn't even get our business model right. No one understands what we're trying to do. Great.Today, I talked to my founder's sister. She tells me the other day they were talking with the wed developer in their family. He says the father laughed it off and said, "Why didn't you get someone overseas to work on the website?"Can I just say something? I don't know a SINGLE damn time I said I couldn't work on the website. I don't recognize a single damn time I showed incompetence over it either. I don't know why they are feeling doubts. They aren't communicating to me effectively. No one is ever on the same page of anything! There are certain things I don't know yet (I never worked on an eCommerce website before) and I told her that if she needs one, she should keep a real developer at bay at least, but I always tell her I'm striven to learn about tech. It's the only thing I care about. As long as I put work into it, I can try to get us where we should, and I'll do it for free b/c I know developers are expensive.Another thing, I think we're too focused on the solution than the problem. I mention certain things over and over, and so do other people (mentors, team members...), but she doesn't understand what we're saying with her heart!We also do home assignments last minute too. Huge turn off. I mention assignments a few days before the due date (because sometimes I don't have time) and no one responds (via text sadly) until the last day. My founder's sister doesn't come to the same college so it's difficult to meet up and discuss to-dos as well...I just feel like we're ridiculously amateurish. I don't necessarily want to quit and I do want to see this towards the end, but I also want to practice tech projects as often as possible so I can get better at my field. I also want to be listened to. I have a few startup ideas of my own, so that's why learning is important for me. I really don't know what to do. In a way I feel like a terrible co-founder for having so much doubts. Maybe it's because I'm going to get my monthly (oops). I express this with our mentors and they tell me to talk to her more, but when I display my sentiments, all she says is, "I know," but does she really...?I might write a TLDR later. Sorry. I'm just so tired after this. I'm so tired of being incompetent and I just want to be successful and listened to for a change. This might just be burnout. We do have the most points out of all the other teams in our track (it's a competition type thing) but I'm not really feeling it. I also have ADHD btw so maybe it's because I don't stick to projects long term normally that my body's trying to pull away.Oops. This was very long.