#and it feels like everyone im talking to irl about flowers only cares about whatever looks good like plz cmon plz i beg of you

[snekdood]

ppl who only care about the aesthetics of things do kinda drive me crazy a bit

[barsformars]

SOULMATES AU!ATEEZ

//

req: hiii, idk if you are still accepting requests, but im trying anyways. How about an headcanon of ateez as types of soulmates bonds/ which type of soulmate bond will suit them? Bye have a nice dayyyy

a/n: this one is kinda just like what soulmate aus remind me of them & what i think would wanna write if it was soulmates au and them hehet i hope i interpreted the request properly lmao

ot8 / w.c 1.1k / t.w none

seonghwa 

reincarnation soulmates au

look ik everyone has been hyping up the seonghwa's first life thing so it's my turn to talk about it

the soulmate au where one is immortal and the other is mortal

seonghwa is the latter

and you just watch him from afar everytime he reincarnates, only talking to him once he is of age

and isn't the thought of being with him from his first life to his,, maybe 100th life,, just so,,,, bittersweet

bittersweet because damn obviously it hurts everytime he goes

hongjoong

dreaming of your soulmate au

you're in every dream of his and his in yours anytime the two of you are asleep at the same time

dreams with each other in it always feel so warm and fuzzy and you're always having a good time with each other

and sadly, nightmares when the two of you are not together in the dreams

but thing is you always wake up remembering everything except how he looks like and what his name is; same thing goes for him

*cue draw&draw lyrics*

he misses you and he wants to 'draw' you but he doesnt even know who you are physically

yunho

you can hear your soulmates thoughts au

but when you make eye or physical contact, you can't hear those thoughts

so imagine the two of you are seated across each other on the train and the thoughts go like

"omg they have nice shoes"

"why are his hands so pretty"

and those kinda thoughts just keep going and the both of you are just laughing internally at your soulmate because like "honey, im your soulmate, not whoever you're probably drooling over right now"

and then "wait im also drooling over someone else right now,,,"

and then the both of you just decide to lift your heads to meet each other's eyes and suddenly everything is quiet!!!!!!

also imagine later on when youre in a relationship with him and the two of you are just sharing a romantic moment and it's like:

"come on, you have to say it out loud because i can't hear you right now" AND THEN BEING ALL SHY BECAUSE OF THE NON-EXISTENT DISTANCE WHILE SAYING SMTH CHEESY

yeosang

your soulmate’s face is blurry to you au

this can be kinda sad because you will never really know how each other looks

but i think the sweetness lies in that the feelings you have for each other is genuine and purely because of their personality and all

and of course physical attraction is still important to a certain extent but think this:

the both of you are so familiar with each other through touch and a lot of experiences that you just know exactly where his lips are so you can kiss him pretty effortlessly

you know exactly where his nose ends so you know how to tilt your heads when you kiss so as to not bump noses

AND because you just are that familiar with him, you can kind of form a picture of each other's faces in your heads, like you have a rough idea how big his eyes are, how widely spaced, what his eye shape is etc.

idk but that just sounds really beautiful to me despite all the inconveniences that could arise

PLUS its so easy to spot each other in crowds because only one face is blurred to you lmao

san

you have a mark wherever your soulmate first touches you au

you are very disturbed because like half of your body is marked

like so much so that it's definitely not like an accidental bump on the streets or smth

so you're just there thinking "who in the right mind would touch a stranger to this extent and why!"

until one day you're minding your business while walking around and someone runs up from behind you and literally just engulfs you into a hug while resting their head in the crook of your neck

and of course, because you're panicking, you turn your head back to look who the hell it was

AND how coincidentally,,, your lips made contact with their brow bone

he releases you when he realises that you were not the friend he was supposed to meet around here

and because your long sleeves rolled up a little, you see the mark slowing fading away, and it just clicks,, he was the one

"this is truly unfair, i gave you a cute little mark and you give me that big ass mark"

mingi

you see your soulmate's memories when you touch something they have touched before au

and fate is cruel because it always seems like one of you is always a little later than the other

like if you or him walked a little bit faster and reached the same place a little earlier, maybe the two of you would have met

until one day maybe one day mingi is keeping the change after paying at the cashier and he drops some coins

and you're behind him so you help him pick it up and you suddenly get flashes of his memories

and so does he when you hand the coins back to him

fate is so stupid sometimes but it's cute ig

wooyoung

whatever you write on your skin shows up on your soulmate's skin as well

and wooyoung being wooyoung, loves to share things that makes him happy and things that he wish you would try out as well

and so you can expect his own food recipes, or maybe some lyrics that he's been trying to write, or like ideas for his vlogs and all

let's be real, it's 2021, the two of you could really just share social media handles and meet irl easily but both of you just love the comfort of anonymity

and knowing that someone out there is always listening, or rather, reading, whatever you want to say

jongho

when your soulmate gets hurt, flowers bloom at the same exact location

i think this one's kinda cute even tho it can be scary at times i guess

like imagine both of you just wanting to bubble wrap each other up because

"I HAVE A PERFORMANCE TOMORROW YOU CAN'T GET HURT"

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN ONE OF YOUR BUTT CHEEKS IS BLEEDING, HOW AM I GOING TO SIT NOW"

STOP BITING YOUR LIPS I DONT WANT FLOWERS ON MY LIPS"

i think it is the beauty of taking care of someone as much as you would take care of yourself or reversely, taking care of yourself as much as you wanna take care of someone else

[bangtansfavwriter]

💘bangtan as boyfriends: jungkook💘

-oh my god this soft boy

-still can't quite believe you guys are dating and sometimes still blushes very heavily when you kiss him

- it took ages for him to ask you out and he probably wouldn't have done it without a pep talk from seokjin who hyped him up before you and jungkook went on a date together

- he was so timid and tripped over his words a lot, so when you asked "are you saying we should start dating?" he went "oh my god yES PLS"

-he know tells everyone that you asked him out first bc "the golden maknae of bts, bangtan sonyeondan, behind the scene, world's best band tbh has to be asked out"

seokjin: makes sense, bc said golden maknae looked like he was gonna pass tf out before you two met

jk: .. hyung why you.... I asked y/n out!

seokjin: lies

you: he did... kinda

seokjin: LIES

jk: I find your lack of faith disturbing, hyung..

seokjin: nerd 😚

jk: 😔✊🏼

- a nerd indeed, but cuteee

- very loyal, it already took him long enough to call you his, so he sure af won't give you up

- also very selfless, he loves helping you out with whatever you need help with... even when you don't ask for it

- like when you had a project due and you were stressing out about it bc you had no time for anything else and stuff... he was really worried you'd skip meals to do your work, so he made sure that you'd eat by either coming to your place or calling/texting you, whenever he couldn't come over personally

-he was afraid he'd bother you while you do your work so he was always very cautious but you reassured him it's fine

-but you felt bad bc you couldn't talk much while doing your work... he looked at you and smiled: "it's ok, I'll write some lyrics maybe.. and you do you. we'll give each other strength with our presence, alright?" he started laughing when you got up and cozied up to him. you spent the next 10 mins cuddling, as this was the only reasonable thing to do after he was being so sweet. "so much for no distractions, hm?"

- you still got your work done btw, so no worries

- movie nights are a huge thing for you two, your range is broad af but mostly consists of marvel, disney and studio ghibli. he has a thing for 80s movies tho, felt ferris bueller on a personal level

- cried when he watched the princess diaries for the first time and will end u if anyone hears about it

-rather savage irl but he cries during some movies, especially when he's tired, he gets emotional and even whiny

- for example: he was very sleepy when you first watched the mandalorian together and you swear he started weeping when he first saw baby yoda and he's been obsessed ever since btw

- very thoughtful and caring

- remembers the smallest things about you, will bring you your fav ben&jerry's when you feel down and enjoys the fact that you look at him like the saint he is

- also memorizes your habits and reads your body language so well that it still surprises you even after all the time you've been dating

-you poke his cheeks on any given occasion and kiss his nose, he's not quite sure why but he enjoys it too

- his hugs are just warm ... they make you feel like everything will be ok

- many pancake mornings together

- will never ever forget any birthday or anniversary, he once did tho and he still beats himself up about it but he was busy as hell during that time so you were ok with it in hindsight (which was greatly appreciated bc he truly felt awful)

- very down-to-earth, it doesn't have to be all fancy with him, he's doing just fine with netflix and ramen

- your personal laundry fairy

- looots of laughter and giggles with this one, always cracking jokes

- you guys have like 48394 insides jokes

you: hey.. hey

jk: ?

you: second goose right left

jk: LMAOOOOO WOFT

you: LMAOOO

jk and you: -dying-

rm: this sounds like some terror code

hobi: or a stroke

- sends u memes at 3am, his go-to are kermit memes as reaction memes, he sometimes forgets to use actual words tbh

you: kook, i can't come over today, working late :( but tomorrow is fine tho, you free ?

jk: -kermit crying under the shower meme-

you: jungkook, words pls

jk: oh sorry babe, yeah im free 🤗

- either uses the cutest nicknames or the weirdest which are pretty cute when he explains it (like left shark "bc you stand out")

- displays of 'strong manly man' when he picks you up, and spins you around only to kiss you --- displays of 'babie boy's when pouts until you give him attention or your last pockys ("we can share, you know 👀" - "oh worm? 👀")

- a true romantic deep down, he once surprised you when he decorated your entire house with candles and flowers bc he knew you had a tough time and you legit just started crying. he was overwhelmed for a sec but knew this was just bottled up emotions and relief coming through so he just smiled and hugged you until you calmed down."it's alright, love... let me take care of you." you nodded and smiled at him, while wiping your tears away. "you're the sweetest, you know that?" - "well, obviously. but fire safety was never my forte, so let's be careful, ok?" he said and you both started laughing.

-sings to you very very often, get used to it, even when you're not right next to him you can still hear him humming from afar and it makes always makes u smile

-you two are fiercely competitive, there is no "it's just a game"... you guys play mario, sonic, rayman etc and there's always a whole lot of screaming

-there was a time namjoon jin got so fed up with this that he took the playstation away (+ mario kart) and jungkook and you had to find other gaming options

-some examples of truth or dare sessions between you (in the safety of your own home):

you: i dare you to dance to begin

jk, in his pyjamas: wha- ... no!

you: truth it is, then. what was the dumpling incident about?

jk: nevermind, I'll do the dance.

you: squeeze the ketchup bottle empty with your thighs.

jk: ?????? jesus, you take your kinks to a whole knew level. choose something else, the stains will be nasty as hell.

you: wear booty shorts👀

jk: you wants thighs and booty, huh? 👀

you: you bet 👀👀

(a blessed day for u tbh)

jk: babe, i dare you to dance to fire.

you: ?????? well, I can try, but you should get me an inhaler, my lung capacity may not suffice for this

(jungkook laughed so hard when did it that he was the one that needed an inhaler)

-takes lots and loots of pics of you when you're together and of the location you went together , posts the view on twitter sometimes and jokes about you two being official (to fans) without really being official

- you two go on walks together, have coffee shop dates, go to concerts (and go fckn feral when u go see iu), visit art galleries where you mostly imitate everything and touch things you shouldn't touch, go to karaoke places ... and you also do art together! that was actually his idea were he bought a shitload of acrylic paint and huge linen sheets and you had your first painting date, which has become a tradition ever since.

- something that jungkook absolutely loves and appreciates is that you guys never run out of topics to talk about

-the intellectual stimulation he gets from you is pretty much unmatched and that's also something that made him realise he's into you before you started dating

- 2 sides of the same coin: smart, charming and kind // absolute crackhead (remember the vid with his goggles? vids like that are now your exclusive content from yours truly)

- once chased down chickens when you visited a village together and ran away screaming when a huge ass rooster chased after him ( u filmed it ofc)

- lives for dramatics, gains new life power on Halloween when you two do shenanigans on bighit's annual party

- he loves the fact that you're still a child at heart and that you're not too stuck up to scare hobi and jin with michael myers masks on (but you did feel pretty bad about it when hobi almost fainted)

- you're super savage when you want to be and he loves it when you are... ngl... you being assertive and all kinda turns him on lmaoo

-your green card to get him to laugh whenever was saying "you sexy beast" and he'd forget whatever issue you were having before, as long as it wasn't something too important obviously

-loves you show you off, especially when you guys are all dolled up and ready for a night out "look at us being all sexy and shit, like, how dare we look this hot, jimin-hyung hates it when someone looks hotter than him" - "hmmm kook, imagine if I'd have jimin as my date today, the place would burn up" - "...." - "kook, i was joking..." - "right shark" - "I WAS JOKING BABY" - "........say it. you know the deal." - "i would rather die" - "go hang with hyung then, i'm gonna stay home" - "you...." -

👀👂 - "YOU SEXY BEAST" - jungkook laughed until he couldn't breathe when yoongi, who just passed by you two, and you stared at each other, completely mortified. you: how to unsay things... / yoongs: how to unhear things/ jk: -on the floor and in dire need of an inhaler"

- you couldn't face yoongi the whole night, whereas jungkook occasionally stared down jimin who had no clue what the heck was going on and munched on some appetizers

- jealousy is not a big thing for him but he still doesn't quite like it when someone is too touchy with you

- he trusts you, absolutely no doubt about that or he wouldn't have even entered a relationship with you, as he has high standards about who to let into his life, especially with potential lovers

-that's why everyone knew you guys were serious about each other and it was hardly surprising that you got to meet his family shortly after you guys started dating (his mother loved you btw)

-has like 200 pics of the day you met gureum

- an absolute sucker for you, you could say you want the n seoul tower to flicker in purple and pink lights and he would get it done somehow

- very sensitive to touches so ......👀

- loves your room bc he says it always smells like your lotions and laundry

- you sometimes surprise by setting the mood with some smooth music and nice fragrances and the world comes to a halt for him, it's just him and you

-shower him in affection and he's putty in your hands, legit, when he first performed euphoria and did the high note at the end you spammed tf outta your messenger and hyped him up and he actually got so hype he jumped around backstage after the concert and sprinted to you when he saw you, twirled you around and, for the first time, kissed you while the guys were there

-he still gets teased about it tho, but he doesn't really care bc your support means the world to him and he values it too much to care about the guys

-you guys went home that night and he serenaded you while you were cuddling. you guys started talking about songs, especially your favourites. you got sleepy when he started talking about 'home' and softly sang it to you, until he realised you dozed off. he smiled to himself and caressed you hair, as you had layed your head onto his chest. admiring your sleeping figure, closely entangled with his broad frame, he said to himself: "this is home..."

[themisfitthrone]

i was tagged in 3 tag games in the last day or so and instead of making 3 separate posts in which i tag much of the same people, i decided to consolidate. i love you all who tagged me.

uh....idk if i have anyone to tag? you guys kind of covered everyone i WOULD tag. i guess @flowerparrish, @colormekorrasami, @jordanetalaredead, @megayest, @twin-ace, @lakesandquarries, @peachy-shrimp, and @hotdamnlookatthispan.... if any of these look interesting, you should totally do them!

okay everything under the cuuuuut

tag game number one: tagged by the sweetest human, @carrie-frances

what’s your favourite song(s) to sing/hum? this is a tough one? currently i’ve been singing You by Keaton Henson a lot and also Ophelia by The Lumineers. Let Her Go by Passenger is another goodie for singing lately. Oh and Lost Boy!!!! by Ruth B.

what’s your favourite flower/tree/plant? I love nature wow. My favorite tree is definitely a Weeping Cherry Tree or Willow. My favorite flowers are sunflowers and roses! Plants in general, I just really love cacti? It’s a product of having family I adore in Arizona haha

what do you always doodle? hm... cats, mostly

how do you take your tea/coffee? With plenty of splenda and some milk

favourite candle scent? Vanilla, mostly. just sweet things

what perfume do you wear? body sprays from bath and bodyworks, usually vanilla or peach

what’s your go-to dance move when you’re alone? i have zero clue haha

favourite quote? i don’t know off of the top of my head! perhaps the one i have tattooed, from star wars. “luminous beings are we, not this crude matter.”

favourite self care routine? putting on good smelling lotions. reading a book. snuggling oliver. calling someone i love.

fuzzy socks or house slippers? both! but mostly fuzzy socks

what colour are your eyes? just plain ole brown

what’s your favourite eye colour on others? idk? i think blue or green but i adore brown eyes on everyone

favourite season? why? autumn, i like the colors and the clothes and the smells

cheek, neck or nose kisses? cheek! but the real MVP are forehead ones

what does your happy place look like? the beach but without all the people. or a quiet forest with light filtering in

favourite breed of dog? i’ve always loved boxers the most, and cavaliers

do you ever want to be married? if so, what colours would you pick for your wedding theme? yes, i think i do? i don’t know what colors, it’s always changing. i think it depends on the person i’m with because their input would matter. i’d want the colors to be whatever colors they think of when they see me and vice versa

cursive or print? it’s a solid mix but mostly print

favourite weather? raining and warm, but not thundering

tag game number two: tagged by the amazing @dancyon

— What was your last…

1. Drink: iced tea

2. Phone call: my aunt calling with some hard news

3. Text message: my aunt with an update

4. Song you listened to: love me by the 1975

5. Time you cried: yesterday and i’m gonna cry later today @ love, simon

6. Dated someone twice: yeah

7. Kissed someone and regretted it: for sure

8. Been cheated on: by two different people, apparently im easy to cheat on

9. Lost someone special: sadly, i’ve lost a few

10. Been depressed: lmao got that good good depression goblin

11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: god yeah whoops sorry friends

— Fave colours

12. purple (any shade really)

13. blue (any shade really)

14. soft yellow

— in the last year have you…

15. Made new friends: ahhhh!!!! yes i have ♥

16. Fallen out of love: hhhhhhhhhh

17. Laughed until you cried: probably

18. Found out someone was talking about you: oh yeah

19. Met someone who changed you: yeah, in more ways than one

20. Found out who your friends are: idk???? kinda yeah

21. Kissed someone on your facebook friends list: uh i think i have my ex still

— General

22. How many of your facebook friends do you know irl: majority

23. Do you have any pets: my boy @ollycat and then my dogs and cats @ my parents house

24. Do you want to change your name: i actually did but now i’m back to my birthname bc being NB is one big ???? of what do i want 

25. What did you do for your last birthday: oh shit well w my friends i got drunk on rum, dressed up like a pirate, and played d&d. and then fam was the usual cheesecake factory adventure

26. What time did you wake up today: uh around 8 something officially?

27. What were you doing at midnight last night: i think i fell asleep before midnight? if not i was watching Critical Role

28. What is something you can’t wait for: my next tattoo!!

30. What are you listening to right now: just the sounds of my grandparents house

31. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: I have an ex named Tom and a Grandpa named Tom

32. Something that’s getting on your nerves: just like....everything about this breakup and stuff i guess

33. Most visited website: god uh...tumblr and twitter????

34. Hair colour: naturally a dark brown with some reddish in it. it’s currently died as close as possible to that

35. Long or short hair: medium?

36. Do you have a crush on someone: no currently i’m avoiding all romance like the fucking PLAGUE

37. What do you like about yourself: i’m pretty tenacious

38. Want any piercings: nah, i’m more the tattoo type

39. Blood type: ..............why

40. Nicknames: bird, birb, kbird, kbirb, broseidon

41. Relationship status: single

42. Sign: aries

43. Pronouns: they/them

44. Fave tv show: on air right now it’s b99 and the good place. in general, buffy and gilmore girls

45. Tattoos: i currently have 6 and i want sooooo many more

46. Right or left handed: left!!!!

47: Ever had surgery: tonsils and stomach yeah

48. Piercings: none

49. Sport: none currently but football (soccer) will always have my heart

50. Vacation: currently in arizona!! i’ve been all over though, i miss mexico a lot

51. Trainers:  what does this....mean....like.....shoes???????

— More general

52. Eating: currently nothing? 

53. Drinking: iced tea currently

54. I’m about to watch: LOVE, SIMON AGAIN BITCH!!!!!!!

55. Waiting for: life to feel right

56. Want: a nap, like always

57. Get married: okay your answer of “if i get past my commitment issues and find someone that loves me, sure” was fucking perfect

58. Career: teacher!

— Which is better

59. Hugs or kisses: hugs

60. Lips or eyes: eyes

61. Shorter or taller: taller

62. Older or younger: older

63. Nice arms or stomach: arms

64. Hookup or relationships: relationship

65. Troublemaker or hesitant: hesitant

— Have you ever

66. Kissed a stranger: nope

67. Drank hard liquor: hell yeah

68.Turned someone down: in high school yeah. and like once in college

69. Sex on first date: ........im an ace baby

70: Broken someone’s heart: supposedly

71. Had your heart broken: mhmmmm

72. Been arrested: nah, just brought home by cops

73. Cried when someone died: yeah, i cry at everything but especially death

74. Fallen for a friend: ..........only friends tbh

— Do you believe in

75. Yourself: trying to? cullen says my heart’s vibranium

76. Miracles: some days i do

77. Love at first sight: probably not, i used to though

78. Santa Claus: not anymore

79. Angels: i’d like to

— Misc

80. Eye colour: brown!

81. Best friends name: i mean..... jenny, ellie, michelle, and cullen? plus like max and jor, of course

82. Favourite movie: i guess the princess bride is the Most Favorite of All

83. Favourite actor: my MAIN MAN, hugh jackman

84. Favourite cartoon: danny phantom right now

85. Favourite teacher’s name: in HS it was mrs haley and in college it was dr trainor....grad school so far it’s been jen lynady

final tag game: tagged by the cutest, @blurredmxnds

bold the statements that are true

APPEARANCE:

I am 5'7" or taller

I wear glasses

I have at least one tattoo

I have at least one piercing

I have blonde hair

I have brown eyes

I have short hair

My abs are at least somewhat defined

I have or have had braces

PERSONALITY:

I love meeting new people

People tell me that I’m funny

Helping others with their problems is a big priority for me

I enjoy physical challenges

I enjoy mental challenges

I’m playfully rude with people I know well

I started saying something ironically and now I can’t stop saying it

There is something I would change about my personality

ABILITY:

I can sing well

I can play an instrument

I can do over 30 pushups without stopping

I’m a fast runner

I can draw well

I have a good memory (lmao about some things???)

I’m good at doing math in my head

I can hold my breath underwater for over a minute

I have beaten at least 2 people in arm wrestling

I know how to cook at least 3 meals from scratch

I know how to throw a proper punch

HOBBIES:

I enjoy playing sports

I’m on a sports team at my school or somewhere else

I’m in an orchestra or choir at my school or somewhere else 

I have learned a new song in the past week

I work out at least once a week

I’ve gone for runs at least once a week in the warmer months

I have drawn something in the past month

I enjoy writing

I do or have done martial arts

EXPERIENCES:

I have had my first kiss

I have had alcohol

I have scored the winning goal in a sports game

I have watched an entire season of a TV show in one sitting

I have been at an overnight event

I have been in a taxi

I have been in the hospital or ER in the past year

I have beaten a video game in one day

I have visited another country

I have been to one of my favorite band’s concerts

RELATIONSHIPS:

I have a crush on a celebrity

I have a crush on someone I know

I have been in at least 3 relationships

I have never been in a relationship

I have asked someone out or admitted my feelings to them

I get crushes easily

I have had a crush on someone for over a year

I have been in a relationship for at least a year (on and off)

I have had feelings for a friend

MY LIFE:

I have at least one person I consider a “best friend”

I live close to my school

My parents are still together

I have at least one sibling

I live in the United States

There is snow right now where I live

I have hung out with a friend in the past month

I have at least 15 CDs (somewhere in my things)

I share my room with someone

RANDOM SHIT:

I have breakdanced

I know a person named Jamie

I have had a teacher with a last name that’s hard to pronounce

I have dyed my hair

I’m listening to one song on repeat right now (i JUST ended my thing w this)

I have punched someone in the past week

I know someone who has gone to jail

I have broken a bone (just a toe)

I have eaten a waffle today

I know what I want to do with my life

I speak at least 2 languages

I have made a new friend in the past year

[juuustkeepswimmingg-blog]

Not only was it my life you entered and had a great impact on, but it was also my cats. They loved you so much. They looked forward to seeing you every day, as did i. Jack gave you kisses and he doesn’t just give anybody kisses. Jack laid in your lap and on your chest. He loved you. He still looks for you to come through the door sometimes at night. He still listens to the trucks outside to see if it’s you coming home. I know you’re no good for me. But i love(d) you very much. More than I’ve ever loved anyone else. I never thought you would hurt me so easily. I never thought you would keep lying to my face. I never thought I’d be single again and be this broken over a guy again. I never thought there would be a day when i had to tell you no. When i had to ignore you. When i had to leave you.. There’s a lot of things i never saw coming with you. I love everything about you. The only thing i ever would have changed about you back then was how you felt about yourself. How you talked down on yourself and called yourself a ‘piece of shit’. I wanted to help you see how great you can be. How much potential you had in you. I wanted you to see what i saw. Now It’s different. If it was up to me to change something I’d change how you lied to me. How i saw the red flags and i ignored them. They say ignorance is bliss. And up until we broke up i never thought it to be something people could actually say and believe.. I saw all the signs. I had suspicions but ignored them. Just because i was happier with my play pretend fairytale love story.. I thought you were too. I still would change how you talk about yourself though. You broke me into tiny little pieces. And yet i came crawling back, even when you pushed me away, treated me like dirt, and i put those little pieces in your hands.. but you left them slip thru the cracks. I wasn’t worth keeping to you. I understand that now- the second time around. I learned a lot from you. So i guess i should thank you. Thank you for making me feel happy those 3 months. Thank you for giving me something to look forward to every day. Thank you for having my back and introducing me to your family. Thank you for telling everyone about me. Thank you for being such the perfect boyfriend in the beginning. Because if you didn’t then I’d never appreciate a guy like i did you.. My first love was Dakota. He had to move and we had to break up. I found out he was seeing another girl because she took a Snapchat of her face with him behind her and sent it to me. it broke me down completely and after that i blocked him on EVERYTHING. except email because i don’t think you can block someone from emailing you. Anyways i was broken over him for 11 months. It took 11 months to unblock him from everything. To finally be okay with seeing he was with a new girl. (His girlfriends never last). It totally shattered me. I wasn’t Myself after that. Anyways Christmas came around and i got an email from him. FROM HIM. an EMAIL. Saying he hopes all is well. It was a short sweet message. He would even get those texting apps so he could get in touch with me somehow. I blocked every single number he tried. He had some real dedication. I was so surprised he emailed me though. Because who remembers emails? My next love was my high school love. James. James was in my life since freshman year. My best friend. And then that was it. We fell apart and hated each other after that year. Then came back together and actually started dating our senior year. He’s probably my favorite love because we met at school. And he made the first moves and he was so innocent and sweet and thoughtful. Then there was Christopher. He’s the jerk in the gif kissing my cat.. He was persistent as all hell when we first met. We met on Fb. Partially why i deleted it. I was sick of dudes adding me and using it as a dating site. *eye roll*. Anyways he was persistent. He wanted to meet me and hang out all the time. He even surprised me multiple times and brought me flowers. They were fake but i was still surprised. And it was super sweet. It took me a long time (like 2 months to actually fall for him completely,) to open up and feel safe with him. He was great. Minus the fact he tried making me sleep with him after our FIRST DATE. Yes. That’s right. You read that right. Did i mention he was persistent? He tried sooo hard to get me to give in. I’m super glad i didn’t. But even if i did i think it would have ended the same way. If not it probably would have ended quicker.. anyways he broke my heart. We had a rough patch after his ex gf called in the middle of the night. He lied about who it was. Said it was a telemarketer. And that’s when we started to have serious issues. By the end of the week i went thru his phone (i had a huge gut feeling to do it. Otherwise i swear i never went thru a guys phone before) and found out he was trying to find other girls to sleep with. ‘Hot horny friends’ is what he requested his cousins girlfriend to find for him.. We broke up for a month after that. He treated me like i was the one that did the cheating.. I even started going to the bars after because i knew I’d see him. And i so wanted him back. Why? I don’t know. I was truly infatuated with him. He was everything i wanted until he wasn’t. And that’s all i can say about that. ‘He was everything i wanted, until he wasn’t.’ Meaning he was everything. He really was. And he was more. Then suddenly the curtain fell and the carpet was ripped out from me. I think that’s why it’s so hard to let him go. He was everything to me. Anyways we got back together. Which is honestly a good thing because i needed that closure and needed that proof that it wasn’t just a moment of weakness. Or that it wasn’t just because of something i did wrong that made him do what he did.. it was him. All him that wanted to sleep with other girls. I cooked for him. Bought all the groceries. I’ve done stuff for him that isn’t really appropriate to tell on here.. Umm I’ve done a lot for this boy. He took it all for granted. A free ride. He had it so good. He didn’t have to pay for shit. He didn’t have to clean or lift a finger. But God forbid i was crabby because of the messes i cleaned up for him, the wasted food because he didn’t want leftovers, the sleepless nights i had because we fought and didn’t make up. It was awful. When we were bad it was really bad. He didn’t care about me. And ignorance is bliss. I’m so bad at keeping up with all this. I’m bad at giving direct details. Everything right now is just pouring out from me. Word vomit, if you will. I never cared about a boy so much in my life. But i cared about him. I never even trusted a boy so much. Yet i trusted him. I pray to God that this pain goes away. I pray to God that i can delete our pics and videos and not feel sad. I can’t even look at them without feeling like it was somehow preventable.. i know on my end it wasn’t preventable. But it still hurts because that means to him i wasn’t worth keeping. And i spent so much of my time before him trying to believe i was worth keeping and being alive. I have some sadness in me that doesn’t go away. I have since i was younger. I noticed my feelings and my thoughts and looked too deep into how people acted towards me and others. I won’t say I’m depressed because i hate that EVERYONE thinks they’re depressed. So I’ll just say i have sadness in me. It makes me feel less attention seeking than those that paint their arms and legs “IM DEPRESSED” because 90% of the time the people that claim that won’t do anything about it. Maybe I’m being too judgy and won’t understand. But that’s my opinion. I hate being like everyone else. Unless it’s happy. I’d love to be happy. Describing the pain of missing him is like the ocean. It comes in waves. Some days/nights aren’t so bad. But then nights like tonight i am drowning. It seems to be getting worse if I’m honest.. The weeks before have been tolerable. I’ve been busy and my mind has been busy. But this week I’m drowning. Idk how i was able to be numb about it before. Idk what i did to be okay because whatever I’m doing now isn’t working. I could list a million reasons as to why he was such an awful guy.. but I’m still in love with the thousand reasons as to why he was so great.. it’s awful. Loving him is suicide. And i don’t want to die over a fuck like him.. I threw away his boxers today. Good riddance to those. It doesn’t matter if he comes to get them, because I’m not opening the door for him again. He just walks out when he wants and there’s nothing that makes me feel so worthless. ‘Bye Cheyenne’ is what he said the last time i saw him.. That pig.. “I found somebody new & you will never break my heart in two again. 🖤✝️” When i say ‘somebody new’ I’m talking about myself. I found myself and you can’t hurt me like that again. This is such a big post. If anybody irl knows me and reads this— i am so sorry. I don’t want you to see me like this. It’s embarrassing and i feel stripped down naked-sober, Because apparently drunk i forget i have body flaws. I wouldn’t wish heartbreak on anybody. Maybe heartbreak when they’re like 15-16 just to get a clue on how to love and how NOT to love. That’s when my heart broke. And now i don’t feel pain over Dakota anymore. We could be friends and I’d be fine. I can’t wait to feel that way with Christopher. I can’t wait until he no longer crosses my mind. Or until he’s no longer the first person i wanna tell something exciting about. Or invite or anything. I just wanna forget he ever existed. At this point though, I’m not sure if God put me through this to make me available to find the love of my life, or if he put me through this to be alone forever- as if that’s what is going to happen. I truly thought i was going to marry him and be with him forever, thought he was the greatest guy ever. Which is why it hurts so much to let it go, because if that’s the best i can do then i messed up. Focusing on myself is boring and i find myself looking up ‘how to be happy single’ or ‘how to be happy’ or ‘how to find Myself’ or anything. It’s getting to be a bit much. I’m obsessed with finding myself. I have so much time to myself now. Sooo much time to sit and ponder about where it all went wrong.. i need to go to bed. Seriously. More heartbreak rants are on there way, some other night. Maybe tomorrow if sleep doesn’t come easy again. ✌🏻 Goodnight world, Best wishes, Chey

[the-ramblings-of-a-cutter]

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152: Phone or Online: online 
151: Red heads or Black haired: Either 
150: Blondes or Brunettes: brunette ‘cause I’m technically a brunette. 
149: Hot or cold: cold. I despise the sun.
148: Summer or winter: winter, I hate summer because I hate the sun. 
147: Autumn or Spring: Autumn
146: Chocolate or vanilla: vanilla 
145: Night or Day: night 
144: Oranges or Apples: apples 
143: Curly or Straight hair: curly 
142: McDonalds or Burger King: Burger King because I can’t eat much from McDonalds 
141: White Chocolate or Milk Chocolate: Milk, white is too sweet 
140: Mac or PC: Mac because I have one but also PC because better gaming 
139: Flip flops or high heals: heals 
138: Ugly and rich OR sweet and poor: sweet and poor 
137: Coke or Pepsi: neither 
136: Hillary or Obama: Obama 
135: Burried or cremated: buried 
134: Singing or Dancing: dancing, I’m tone deaf 
133: Coach or Chanel: Chanel 
132: Kat McPhee or Taylor Hicks: I don’t know who these are 
131: Small town or Big city: city 
130: Wal-Mart or Target: target 
129: Ben Stiller or Adam Sandler: Hm Ben? I don’t think I know which is Ben but if it’s the one I’m thinking then, yea, Ben
128: Manicure or Pedicure: manicure, I collect socks so no one ever sees my feet 
127: East Coast or West Coast: northwest 
126: Your Birthday or Christmas: Christmas, I hate my birthday.
125: Chocolate or Flowers: flowers.
124: Disney or Six Flags: Disney 
123: Yankees or Red Sox: neither, I only care about formula one [ Here’s What I Think About ]
122: War: Shitty, but also inevitable because the world sucks and everything is competition. 
121: George Bush: bleck 
120: Gay Marriage: Why is this still an issue? A basic human right. 
119: The presidential election: bleck 
118: Abortion: I’m pro-choice 
117: MySpace: I never had one 
116: Reality TV: I love RPDR but that’s all 
115: Parents: hurt a lot more than they realize 
114: Back stabbers: If you back stab me, I’m out and I won’t come back. 
113: Ebay: never really used it 
112: Facebook: don’t have one and got rid of mine in 8th grade because I didn’t want the kids I graduated with to be able to contact me
111: Work: I hate my job 
110: My Neighbors: don’t know them 
109: Gas Prices: I don’t drive anymore so I don’t even know what the prices are.
108: Designer Clothes: I think they are very pretty and even though I don’t own any, I have no problems with other people spending their money in ways which they desire. 
107: College: I love learning so to me college is huge, but I get it isn’t for everyone 
106: Sports: I don’t care about any sport expect F1
105: My family: I love them, but don’t have a great relationship with them because of past events that I’m still not over.
104: The future: I hope I can achieve everything I have planned because it’s all I have going for me[ Last time I ]
103: Hugged someone: my dad this last weekend 
102: Last time you ate: I ate some beets
101: Saw someone I haven’t seen in awhile: saw my grandma with my dad 
100: Cried in front of someone: uh, I don’t remember 
99: Went to a movie theater: I saw Hidden Figures with a coworker at the beginning of April 
98: Took a vacation: I went to a Supernatural convention April 7-10
97: Swam in a pool: years ago 
96: Changed a diaper: years ago 
95: Got my nails done: last June 
94: Went to a wedding: last June 
93: Broke a bone: hm, my freshman year 
92: Got a peircing: December 26, 201591: Broke the law: probably speeding within the last year 
90: Texted: literally am texting while I do this [ MISC ]
89: Who makes you laugh the most: me, I’m hilarious and have no other friends 
88: Something I will really miss when I leave home is: my bed 
87: The last movie I saw: Hidden Figures
86: The thing that I’m looking forward to the most: graduating.
85: The thing im not looking forward to: work tomorrow 
84: People call me: Maddy 
83: The most difficult thing to do is: get out of bed 
82: I have gotten a speeding ticket: yes, I was going 80 in a 60. 
81: My zodiac sign is: Libra 
80: The first person i talked to today was: Rayn 
79: First time you had a crush: seventh grade
78: The one person who i can’t hide things from: No one, I’m great at hiding things.
77: Last time someone said something you were thinking: Yesterday, Linda said the new guy was creepy before I had the chance
76: Right now I am talking to: Grace 
75: What are you going to do when you grow up: Forensic Anthropologist 
74: I have/will get a job: I’m working at Starbucks rn
73: Tomorrow: classes and work 
72: Today: doing my MAST permit 
71: Next Summer: Hannah is coming!!!
70: Next Weekend: work 
69: I have these pets: Toulouse, Duchess, Berlioz 
68: The worst sound in the world: a fork on an empty glass plate 
67: The person that makes me cry the most is: my family 
66: People that make you happy: Grace, Hannah, Derek, Rayn 
65: Last time I cried: idk
64: My friends are: pretty chill and very precious to me
63: My computer is: my life 
62: My School: stupidly huge. There are 50,000 people on campus 
61: My Car: don’t have one 
60: I lose all respect for people who: treat others poorly 
59: The movie I cried at was: anytime an animal dies 
58: Your hair color is: blonde/brown because I’m lazy and haven’t redone it 
57: TV shows you watch: Phineas and Ferb, Bones, Top Gear 
56: Favorite web site: YouTube 
55: Your dream vacation: London with Grace 
54: The worst pain I was ever in was: idk I’m always in pain because I have a bone disease so it all kinda blurs. But one time I was popping my hip in and out of my socket but I didn’t realize it was actually a bone-spur catching and tearing into muscle and stuff and that hurt. 
53: How do you like your steak cooked: I don’t eat meat 
52: My room is: pretty plain but comfortable for me
51: My favorite celebrity is: Kate Middleton 
50: Where would you like to be: in bed but I’m there so I’m good 
49: Do you want children: Yes 
48: Ever been in love: Yes 
47: Who’s your best friend: Grace, Hannah, Derrek, and Rayn but all in slightly different ways 
46: More guy friends or girl friends: irl I only have guy friends 
45: One thing that makes you feel great is: I’m reasonably intelligent. 
44: One person that you wish you could see right now: Grace, I wanna give her a hug
43: Do you have a 5 year plan: dudes I have a 10 year plan 
42: Have you made a list of things to do before you die: only in the sense of education 
41: Have you pre-named your children: yup 
40: Last person I got mad at: a girl who filled in at my work 
39: I would like to move to: London 
38: I wish I was a professional: barista [ My Favorites ]
37: Candy: Twix
36: Vehicle: Ferrari 458 Italia 
35: President: lol idk 
34: State visited: I liked Oregon 
33: Cellphone provider: Verizon 
32: Athlete: Kimi Raikkonen 
31: Actor: Robert Downey Jr 
30: Actress: Sandra Bullock 
29: Singer: Alex Turner 
28: Band: Arctic Monkeys 
27: Clothing store: idk I don’t actually shop for clothes often 
26: Grocery store: Trader joes because that have cool shit 
25: TV show: Phineas and Ferb 
24: Movie: the Boxtrolls, and the Aristocats 
23: Website: Youtube
22: Animal: sloths 
21: Theme park: Disney World 
20: Holiday: Christmas 
19: Sport to watch: Formula 1 
18: Sport to play: Ew, no 
17: Magazine: idk 
16: Book: The Shining Girls 
15: Day of the week: Wednesday 
14: Beach: I don’t go to beaches often so idk 
13: Concert attended: Black Sabbath 
12: Thing to cook: pho 
11: Food: Vietnamese spring rolls 
10: Restaurant: a pho shop here in Seattle 
9: Radio station: don’t listen to the radio 
8: Yankee candle scent: cupcake or whatever that is 
7: Perfume: Dolce and Gabbana l'imperatrice 
6: Flower: peony 
5: Color: gray 
4: Talk show host: no idea 
3: Comedian: Bianca Del Rio 
2: Dog breed: Corgi and Saint Bernard