#and it just ended up being way too fucking complicated. like i couldn't keep track of what was happening and kept forgetting about things

[idontdrinkgatorade]

just rediscovered the absolute WHACK plot i used to have for my main OC story before i split it

[the-offside-rule]

Lando Norris (McLaren) - Did She? Ft. Oscar Piastri

Requested: yes

Prompt: 44) "Give me another chance."

Warnings: angst, rivalry (which is fictional), sad ending

Lando had stormed into the paddock, frustration etched across his face and rage very evident in his eyes. Oscar however, followed, a smug grin playing on his lips. The press had been around them, taking photos and undeniably thinking of the catchy headlines they would be using for their insufferable articles. They quickly made their way into the McLaren hospitality. "What the hell was that, Oscar?" Lando snapped, trying to keep his voice down in an attempt to not attract too much attention. "Relax, Lando. It's just racing." Oscar replied, his tone nonchalant. "Just racing? You practically pushed me off the track!" Lando retorted, his eyes blazing with anger. Oscar chuckled. "Well, maybe you shouldn't be so easy to push around." He patted his teammates back. Lando pushed the Australian's hand away.

A few of the mechanics stood up in case they needed to intervene. "Maybe don't be a dick and just admit you had to cheat to stop me from passing!" Oscar arched a brow. "I mean, I had to fend of Y/n too. I don't-" Oscar noticed how Lando's face had changed once he mentioned the Aston Martin driver. Oscar chuckled. "Is this because Y/n chose me over you, mate?" Oscar smirked, knowing he had hit a nerve. "No. This is about you pushing me off the track."

Y/n and Lando had been insepersble the whole winter break and then suddenly once testing had begun, Oscar swooped in and took her. It annoyed Lando but considering him and Y/n agreed there wasn't anything going further than their winter fling, he had hoped it would turn into a spring fling and then a full blown relationship. "Well sorry Lando. I just don't believe you. I think it's over the fact that Y/n chose me."

"Did she?" He had practically squared up to his teammate now. The pair had been glaring at one another. Oscar raised an eyebrow, reveling in the opportunity to provoke his rival further. "Oh, she did. Believe me, she did." Lando clenched his jaw, struggling to maintain his composure. "It didn't seem like that last weekend mate, but whatever you think."

Oscar leaned in, his grin widening. "Sure, Lando. Keep telling yourself that." As the pit of jealousy grew deeper, Lando couldn't help but question his feelings. Was it about the race or something more personal?

Y/n stood in the media pen, smiling and laughing away at her good result. "I mean, obviously I couldn't have done it without the team. I just think I was incredibly fortunateto have the McLarens both occupied with eachother. That way I could-"

"Hey, can I grab you for a minute?" Y/n jarred to see Lando marching towards her, looking both determined and angry. "Im in the middle of an interview-"

"I don't care. Come on." Y/n looked back between her PR manager and the interviewer but soon found herself being pulled along to somewhere a bit more private; in between trucks. "What's this about? Im a busy girl." Y/n asked, slightly concerned. "Did you choose Oscar over me for a reason?" He asked, his vulnerability exposed. "Really? You pulled me away to talk about Oscar?" Lando nodded. "Oh yeah, because I'm after nearly ripping his fucking head off. Now please, just answer me." Y/n sighed. "Lando, it's not about choosing. Relationships are complicated, and I can't be reduced to a prize to be won."

Lando looked at her in disbelief. "When did you become a prize? It was meant to just be us and that was it. A quiet winter fling." He protested. "Lando, it's April. The winter is long over. I thought you would have moved on." She walked away, leaving Lando to just watch her. "Can you give me another chance?" She stopped dead in her tracks and turned to face him, her expression a mix of sadness and rage. "Lando, I don't think we should have even started this." Lando's heart sank, and he swallowed hard, unable to mask the pain in his eyes. "Why? What did I do wrong?"

Y/n took a deep breath, her gaze unwavering. "It's not about what you did wrong. It's about what I need." His brows furrowed, confusion evident in his eyes. "And what do you need that I can't give you?" Y/n hesitated before speaking, her words laced with regret. "I need someone who understands the pressures of this world, Lando. Someone who shares my passion for racing." He scoffed. "I am a driver. I share your passion, i understand the pressure. What more do you want from me?!" Y/n hesitated before answering. "I don't want anything from you! I like you, but I can't ignore the differences. Oscar and I, we just connect on a different level." Lando clenched his fists, the pain evident in his expression. "So, what, I wasn't enough for you?"

"It's not about you not being enough, Lando. It's about finding someone who complements me in a different way." Y/n explained, her voice tinged with regret. Lando scoffed, his disbelief turning into bitterness. "Complements you? Or is it just about the thrill of someone new?".Y/n looked away, unable to meet his accusing gaze. "Listen, dickhead. I ended it because I didn't want this from the start, I ended it when I did because I didn't want to hurt you!"

"But you did," Lando whispered, his voice filled with resignation. He wiped his eyes of the few tears that fell. Y/n reached to help, but he pushed her hand away. "Is he what you want, then?" Lando's voice cracked with emotion, his fear of the answer palpable. Y/n swallowed the lump in her throat, her silence speaking volumes. "I don't know, Lando. But right now, he is." The words hung heavy in the air, sealing their fate with an unspoken finality. Lando's chest tightened with despair, his heart shattered into a million irreparable pieces. "I'll go." She wanted to reach for him, but she refrained. How could she stand there, denying her love for him then to turn around and grasp him.

As for Lando, in that moment, he knew that some wounds never truly healed, and some loves were destined to remain forever beyond grasp.

[jaylver]

BABY CAME HOME — L.HS

synopsis: never trust a man who keeps your heart at bay. especially when it was your brother's best friend.

genre: situationship, brother's best friend, (heavy) angst

warning(s): profanities, hee being a dickhead (sorry :( he's an actual sweetheart irl)

wc: 1k

a/n: inspired by the neighbourhood’s song! drop a feedback like always! it'll help a lot <3 enjoy!

masterlist | © jaylver all rights reserved. 

Mistakes.

Mistakes were the death of you, it was your downfall, and you knew starting something with your brother's best friend was one too.

Lee Heeseung. 

The person you grew up seeing come in and out of your house from time to time. Watching him grow as you did too, going from the innocent looking boy to an attractive man in a blink of an eye. You would be lying if you said he had no effect on you. What mattered most to you was him remaining the same despite looking different physically. He was the same sweetheart with a charming personality.

How it started was complicated. Meeting at a party without your brother, Sunghoon, was actually the first mistake. You didn't expect to make out with Heeseung by the end of the night and let him sneak into your room through the window.

It was all fun and games, seeing each other behind your brother's back, passing glances and knowing looks, having inside jokes no one would understand. Knowing every inch of one another's bodies, where your favourite mole was, the spot of his birthmark even his friends didn't know. The unspoken intimacy you shared was something else.

Yet, none of you placed a label on whatever you had together. At first, you thought that was a great idea, no labels to stress you out, but now? Boy, you were overthinking about the relationship—situationship, actually—you both shared. 

On one of those nights where he stayed over in your room, next to you, lights low and only the television playing in the back, you decided to speak your mind. "What are we?" 

Those words were probably like spikes to him, something he wasn't ready to face or answer. He slowly sat up, his eyes unreadable. "What do you mean?"

"What?" You sat up as well, eyes flickering. "Us? Am I just a friend to you? Sunghoon's little sister that you can play around?"

"No!" He said immediately, jaw clenching. "God, Y/N, if I knew how difficult you would become, I wouldn't have started this,"

You stilled at his words, wondering if your ears had failed you or whether this was all a trick, but it wasn't. "I was a mistake, wasn't I?"

Heeseung seemed to realise what he had said, wanting to take it back but couldn't even bear to utter a word once he saw the look on your face. 

"Just … just don't say anything, leave."

That night faded into many restless nights after. You didn't know how he was doing, he could be feeling nothing and you wouldn't know either. But the worst doesn't stop there. Your cousin's wedding was nearing, Heeseung who happened to be his friend, promised to come and be your date, yet the timing just had to fuck with you.

Sunghoon somehow noticed the drop in your emotions, occasionally checking up on you, each time you could only brush him off and say you were fine. What could you do? Say you were hooking up with his best mate behind his back? That's basically a death sentence.

Being dolled up and dressed in some expensive dress, you found yourself waiting in the middle of your house's living room for the others, basking in the quietness of your surroundings. That was soon broken by the sound of the door closing, attracting your attention and having you turn your head.

Heeseung.

Black tie, clean suit, making his way in awkwardly and rather stiffly. Maybe it was from the emptiness because once his dark irises landed on your figure, he stopped in his tracks.

"Y/N?"

Why did you let him say your name still? Why couldn't you erase him from your head? Why couldn't he just be yours?

You said nothing, watching him get closer and eventually standing a few feet away from you, a coffee table separating you and him. The silence was thick enough to be sliced through, basically suffocating you to the point where you couldn't breathe.

"Well, don't you stand in front of me and wait for me to talk," you mumbled, looking anyway but at him.

"I was hoping we could talk,"

"You could've called me up—" you knew the moment if you saw his caller ID, you would've picked it up in a heartbeat, and that was the worst part, "—the phone works two ways, you know?"

"I know," He said softly, something in his eyes were begging and desperate, but his face was much more impassive. He was trying to keep his cool, but he was equally crumbling internally.

When you said nothing, he continued on, the silence from you was loud, and it was clear, clear enough to convey that you were mad, in despair, and definitely on the verge of ending you and his 'relationship'.

"Y/N, we can't just end it like this,"

"End it like what?" You choked out, heart straining against your chest. "There was nothing between us in the first place. You made it clear," you swallowed down a sob. "There was never an 'us', it was only a 'you' and 'I',"

"No, no …"

You shook your head, tears overflowing and eventually cascaded down your cheeks. Gosh, you were a mess. "I can't just continue sneaking around my brother's back just for you, doing everything just for me to not be anything to you—"

"You are something to me!"

"Oh, right? Yet you couldn't even accept the idea of us being together when I asked you that question the other night," you blinked harder, remembering the disappointment and annoyance in his expressions. "I think it says a lot,"

"I'm sorry—"

"Don't, d–don't, don't say anything," you backed away slowly, by now your makeup probably ruined and you were too much of a mess for the wedding. "Go find some other girl to toy around with, Hee."

You couldn't stand it anymore. Nausea, anger and sadness overwhelmed your senses. The tears in your eyes blurred your vision as you tried to run up the stairs, accidentally knocking into Sunghoon without even realising.

The slam of your bedroom door indicated that you weren't coming back out for the rest of the night. Sunghoon was curious as he descended the stairs, but when he saw Heeseung standing there, head in his hands and a frown etched deep, he knew, he always did anyway.

There was no way you could come back from this broken heart. 

( © jaylver all rights reserved. do NOT copy, plagiarise or edit my work and repost whatsoever. once discovered will be exposed and blacklisted. )

[lingeringscars]

couple gris.haverse (primarily alina) things

big fan of nikolai and alina as a friendship. i did not particularly care for nikolai in s&s (or r&r but i still cried at everything related to him and like props to leigh for that) but i did love the fact that alina had someone else that they could talk to. i still think about them linking arms At All Times. It's not a hard & fast no romantic them for me, i guess, but it would definitely depend on the nikolai writer

Alina is never queen <3 hope that helps <3 i understand the show direction here but alina never wanted to be queen and her saying no to nikolai in the end was sooo important. she has given enough.

alina is not ?? selfish ?? or stupid ?? for being like hey i cannot physically or mentally give anything else right now and i need to go

alina is well aware that there are people that are better equipped for this particular role and it was never something they wanted to begin with. they took on as much as they could. they died for it. they couldn't come back from what happened in destroying the fold and Be A Leader.

sainthood definitely plays into this. alina is so much more than a grisha, so much more than a person. alina will never be fully grisha or fully otkazat'sya. that in between is really something that no one else can understand, either.

i do keep alina losing her powers because i personally thought it was powerful and showcased the fact that she literally gave everything to ravka. it also felt like the apt conclusion to her search for the amplifiers, the warnings about what possessing them would do, and in general the passing of them to otkazat'sya was A lot. following, alina is already hounded by sun saint people ( pls i'm forgetting the names for the groups rn ) and that constant reminder of losing her powers is gutting, and it's another reason that they can't just Go Back

alina doesn't stop caring about ravka? or grisha? the fight just looks different for her now

Also putting out there that alina is In Love With genya & Has Complicated Feelings re Zoya

also complicated feelings about the darkling but i have less than 0 interest in exploring anything romantic between them ever

mal has complicated feelings re nikolai thank u <3

it's actually not that unreasonable that mal would need to adjust to alina being grisha and also that he would have to react to his own trauma. i know this is an extreme take.

mal deserted the army for alina, mal would follow alina, but mal also Good at what he did. he was vital. he was a tracker and was useful and he lost that in part. he got to live despite this, in part because of alina, and there is a part of mal that wishes that they had treated him like any deserter

does mal fuck up? yes. is show!mal somehow better than book!mal because he isn't as traumatized? no? he needs to adjust to everything that has happened, and eventually he needs to adjust to him actually dying (+ also to alina killing him even if he was adamant that it needed to happen). it's part of why i'm very okay with his ending in the show because i do think that he needs to find a purpose and explore without his tracking abilities. this is more complicated with Misha because mal is extremely protective of him, but i think alina going back to keramzin with him helps him. at this point he can also better recognize that he can't just go back and it wouldn't be fair to either of them (or himself)

i honestly do not think inej's trauma has been erased. i definitely understand the gripe with tante heleen being killed off screen and the s1 reaction. inej freezing is very important to me. but so is the fact that inej tells kaz that she struggles too.

inej and kaz have different reactions to touch. inej had to adapt to touch in a way kaz also has not needed to on account of their different circumstances. this is not me saying that kaz would have been able to or any of that, but inej in order to survive DID. kaz became the bastard of the barrel but inej became the wraith. able to disappear in a moment, even if not physically.

inej canonly has to spell out that she struggles even when jesper and nina touch her. idk maybe i'm being too kind but i do think that amita showed hesitation in many cases. we're not in their heads so we need those little context clues; inej hesitating before initiating anything, rarely initiating but responding to the people close to her. the point is just inej is accustomed to swallowing that fear, but that does not mean it is not there. it just presents itself differently! and that's okay! something i care a LOT about in this series is that they show the different manners in which trauma manifests because it is not the same for everyone

i think inej would take issue with nina making a show to turn leoni and adrik into saints

i also think leoni does not particularly like this, she just understands and agreed with the reasoning. however, she was dedicated to the mission in fjerda and thinks that more good could have come if her cover had not been blown, making her and adrik unsafe

she does not resent nina for this and does believe much good comes from it. she chooses to focus on that. they helped people who needed help, and that is worth it in her eyes.

it is a choice, though. leoni chooses to be optimistic. she chooses to see the good. she was saved by someone who was willing to die to save her, who took on the poisons herself so that leoni could live, and she chooses to honor this every day. she was blessed in more ways than one.

she also needs to see the greater good because she knows that she is helping create things that are killing people. this is something that she can struggle with a lot. she needs to believe that the cause is just and that it will end with less suffering overall.

[linssikeittomies]

Pivot Points - Chapter 3: Crawling Forwards

Masterpost / AO3

Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3

CW: depression, mentions of another person's self-harm

That's the last fucking time I set a deadline for myself. I was well on the way to finishing this chapter by end of December 2023, then mental health stuff happened and I couldn't even think of writing for a full month, then I lost inspiration and didn't write a word for another month and a half. I wouldn't say I'm happy with this chapter, especially the second half. But I've been editing, deleting, and rearranging scenes so much I lost track of the chronologial order. So this is the best I can do unless I keep polishing it for maybe ten years. The good thing is I can finally watch season 2! I was careful about avoiding spoilers because I'm absolutely the type that goes "Oh, now my fic isn't canon-compliant anymore..." and never writes another word. So now, if I end up fully abandoning this fic, I'll at least have finished the angst arc.

--

Ed’s feeding the chickens, dropping seeds of this and that on the floor. He’s being slow about it, annoying the chickens, making them complain with loud clucking, and if he weren’t so desperate for alone time, he’d would’ve been done with the task in minutes. He’s not sure how long it’s been, but he knows for a fact he should’ve been already finished his next task. No one will yell at him, but they’ll be disappointed and annoyed. Stede, too, though he’ll also be worried. He’d seen the mood Ed was in first thing in the morning, and hadn’t asked. Just been his wonderful, supporting self and offered a few words of sympathy, but didn’t try to talk about it.

Thing is, Ed does want to speak about it. Maybe. He’s not sure - he’d have to try first to know. It’s complicated - most things concerning Izzy are.

It’s the ring. Seeing it in its new place has thrown him into an unexpected loop. It’s been on Izzy’s cravat every single day for over 20 years now, it’s a sight older and more familiar than even the  Queen Anne’s Revenge. It had taken him a while to put two and two together - but the way Izzy wore it dutifully, ecstatically, every single day, eventually tipped him off. Ed still doesn’t know when Bellamy had the opportunity to sneak in with his last ditch effort to win Izzy back since he’d rather not hear Izzy’s starry-eyed accounts of their final tryst. He had hated the reminder of Izzy’s ex at first, and wanted few things more than to throw it into the sea, but eventually he grew to rather like the sight of the ring on Izzy’s cravat. Reminded everyone that Ed had won out in the end, definitively. Bellamy’s ring was there, as a reminder to everyone that he carried the memory of Bellamy with him - but not on his ring finger. Because he belonged to Ed. And as Ed’s feelings towards Izzy cooled over the years, the ring stopped raising strong emotions. It was just there, a pleasant reminder, but nothing more.

But now that it’s on his finger. Now it suddenly matters again. Matters that Izzy has retroactively chosen Bellamy in Ed’s stead. After first making him think he was letting go of all his past, starting completely fresh. Forgetting both Ed and Bellamy. And Ed was happy about that, liked that Izzy was able to move on. He honestly liked that. It gave him the freedom to be with Stede without guilt or danger.

So why does he want to hide from everyone? Why does he feel like shit again? Last night he’d been cocooning, then Stede came up with his plan on what to do with Izzy and he’d felt like the worst asshole in the world, until they workshopped the details and Ed felt ecstatic again, then worry and guilt snuck back in during the night when everything should've been clear and dealt with. It’s not fair on Stede, he knows, pining after someone he moved on from years ago.

It’s just... He’s so used to Iz being his. His little attack dog, his efficient first mate, his prized possession. All these years Izzy has been so devoted to Ed, and now suddenly having that reversal of loyalty shoved in his face... yeah. So he’s reeling. Because life has a lot of constants. Sun will rise, wars will be fought, Izzy will belong to you.

 “Ed?” the Swede calls from somewhere, Ed’s not sure where - the hold is a bit of a maze, with all its rooms and corridors. He briefly  considers not answering, not ready to stop hiding by a long shot, but he does have other work to do and it doesn’t feel fair to dump them on the others.

 “With the chickens!” Ed answers, throwing out the remaining feed without ceremony and the chickens pounce on the pile like birds of prey. Maybe that’s what they were supposed to be, at first, until God decided otherwise - Ed has seen them peck one of their own flock to death. Dormant predatory instincts coming to life at the sight of blood.

Something like Izzy, though not really, but lately every thought  will find the flimsiest excuses to find its way to Izzy. Probably will for a while. He suddenly longs for the days it used to be for good reasons.

 “Still?” the Swede asks in that innocently judgemental tone of his.

 “Yeah”, Ed mutters, too quiet for anyone but the chickens to hear. They must be as annoyed with him as he himself is. “Be up in a minute.”

 “Buttons is looking for you”, the Swede informs as he finally comes into view. He seems to take note of Ed’s sullen face, and maybe it scares him a little because this is what Ed used to look like before turning into the Kraken.

 “I’m fine”, Ed says, though he doesn’t mean that he’s fine. He’s sure the Swede understands. “I’ll go soon. Just need a minute.”

 “Should we have a talk circle?” the Swede asks carefully, and usually Ed would agree. But something about him is uncomfortable talking about this with anyone but possibly Stede.

 “Not yet. Need to sort things out a bit.”

The Swede looks at him with worry, which is understandable, because again, the Kraken. Then he nods uncertainly and leaves. Ed heaves a deep sigh and tries to gather himself. He doesn’t often have trouble pulling energy from his charismatic side, but it’s been harder since the whole - he’s hesitant to call it abandonment since Stede had come back, and wouldn’t have left it in the first place if that fucking asshole Badminton hadn’t fucked things up for all of them, but it sure as hell felt like abandonment at the time. And sometimes it still does, especially at night when the knee aches and won’t let him sleep.

And now this situation with Izzy. Ed is starting to think maybe he isn’t as good with people as he thought. But even then, his attempt to pull himself together isn’t totally futile, though it does leave a lot to be desired. He manages to form a mostly carefree demeanor, which would fall apart under some scrutiny.

Luckily Buttons gets the answer to his question in under a minute - double checking their heading and consulting the winds - and is then distracted by Olivia so he notices nothing. The rest are - more or less - working on their tasks and are equally oblivious, and pay no mind to Ed emerging from his eons-long task of feeding the chickens and gathering the eggs - shit, he forgot the eggs! He turns to go back under deck - -and sees Izzy walking up to him.

Ed really might die right there and then. Bellamy’s ring is still on Izzy’s finger, bandages around his neck, and Ed is responsible for both. Everything about Izzy’s face and body betrays discomfort that’s only trumped by dutifulness. For once in his life, Ed would’ve preferred Izzy to be less professional and just avoid him. Ed isn’t even a captain anymore! Technically he doesn’t have a rank, but practically he’s a deckhand so there isn’t any reason for Izzy to report to him anymore!

But life has a lot of constants. The sun will rise, wars will be fought, Izzy will worship you. He’ll idolize you until it makes you sick to your stomach, then he’ll say some mean things because he hates it when you’re just human, and then at the end of the day he’ll go back to being  your loyal first mate. Because he needs someone to worship, and if there’s no one worthy around, then he’ll decide  someone’s worthy. And then he won’t betray that person.

Until that person falls in love, then Izzy will sell that lover out to the English in a fit of religious rage, because his god won’t follow his rules of worship, because he’s a person instead of an infallible being, that’s when Izzy will betray you.

Ed had held him accountable for it, of course. He’d punished Izzy for it, turned himself into the worst possible version of whatever Izzy wanted him to be. It had felt cathartic, feeding his hatred and having his vengeance, for a while at least. For a few terrifying, exhausting, miserable weeks it had felt cathartic, and then once the steam had run out of Ed’s engines he’d been left feeling... very little. The love of his life was gone, his crew was too terrified of him to even look his way, even his long-time right hand man, ever loyal, who had never shied away from his touch, who had never had a problem chewing him out for doing something stupid, who had never feared him, even Izzy wouldn’t meet his eye and only meekly obeyed what few orders Ed bothered issuing. Between the rage-filled weeks of the Kraken and the complexly elated  return of Stede, Ed hadn’t really done much aside from waiting for death.

But even then, he hadn’t felt miserable enough to do it by his own hand. He couldn’t even imagine what Izzy was going through to... Fuck, how hadn’t he seen it?! Was he really so self-absorbed he couldn’t tell something was so monumentally wrong with his best friend? After all the times Izzy had noticed  something was wrong, even if his terrible brand of care couldn’t make Ed feel good, he’d at least fucking noticed. And now the one time their roles were reversed, Ed was completely oblivious!

You know who would’ve noticed? Fucking Bellamy. That fucking arrogant, pish-posh, brownnose pissant. The one who would’ve been so much better to Izzy. Who wouldn’t have dressed Izzy in his colors, wouldn’t have grown bored of him, wouldn’t have done a hundred other things, and would have done a hundred other things.

 “Edward.”

 “Yeah, hi. Morning. Or whatever.”

Actually it’s basically noon already, but Izzy doesn’t comment on it. “Get Bonnet off my back. He’s been getting in the way all day. He keeps trying to do my job and he’s fucking shit at it”, he complains and points with his thumb over his shoulder, towards the the forecastle where Stede is talking with Oluwande, but looking nervously toward Izzy. He must still be worried about how he’s faring.

 “Sorry if he’s being annoying.”

 “He’s been worse”, Izzy mutters in response, but it’s not heated. “Just tired of having to redo everything after he fucks it up.”

He doesn’t much sound like Izzy, he should’ve been foaming at the mouth and cursing his heart out about this bloody fucking useless piece of shit ruining his whole fucking life or something. Doesn’t much look like Izzy, either. He’s forgone the black leather in favor of a stained, brownish linen and  cotton. Ed knows it’s because leather isn’t something you can easily stretch in - even if Ed makes it look easy to dominantly and sexily lounge in his full leather get-up, it’s actually a fair feat. Up there, in the rigging... Splatting down all the way down because your pants won’t let you reach your foothold would cripple you, at the very least.

Wearing something loose and light only makes sense, but it still feels like a stab to the heart. His Izzy is supposed to wear black. Wear Ed’s colors.

Ed tries to make his tone light. “Where’d you get the clothes? Haven’t seen you in anything but black in ages.”

Clearly Izzy can tell something’s off with him, because he pauses before answering. “Bonnet’s hand-me-downs”, he claims then, but they look way too simple for Stede’s tastes. Not a ruffle or embroidered detail to be seen.

 “Sure they’re not from Lucius?” They really look more like his style. The wide pant leg would look right at home on the scribe.

 “Bonnet’s hand-me-downs via Spriggs”, Izzy insists for some reason. “Now shut up and let me get to work.”

 “Sure, sure, princess.” He says it purely to piss Izzy off, so he could be comforted by  the familiar version of him again, and immediately feels guilty about wanting him angry instead of pleased.

But wonder of all wonders, the discomfort on Izzy’s face melts to a crooked smirk. The man scoffs lightly, and responds in a vaguely playful tone.

 “Between the two of us, you’re the one with long hair tied with a ribbon, and wearing a pink bathrobe. Princess.”

It’s so out of the blue that Ed lets out a startled giggle. He hasn’t heard Izzy joking in a very, very long time. Least of all at Ed’s expense.

He should be happy about this new direction Izzy has taken. And he is, of course he’s happy Izzy is no longer thinking of killing himself, happy that he seems to have reverted to back to how he used to be all those years ago when they first met, more willing to go with the flow and with the occasional joke, but it just doesn’t feel like Izzy anymore. Because the Izzy who nagged about everything  and needed Edward to be his whole world had been with him for so long.

He tries hard to maintain the teasing tone, draining the rest from that well of charm, and has a feeling he’ll be left filling the well for a long time afterwards.

 “Touché. Want some help with your work?” Please say no please say no please say no. I don’t have the energy.

Izzy cocks an eyebrow at him. “Seriously? You took hours just to feed the chickens.With your help I wouldn’t be done until next year. You do your job and I’ll do mine”, he says with some pride, chest puffing a little at the thought of having a real task that he’s actually allowed to do. Ed had fully expected Izzy to take his new rank as an unacceptable demotion. And while he clearly wan’t happy about it, it’s weird that he isn't bitching about it. Ed's glad, of course, but it's just... weird.

“I’m sure you’ll do great.”

“At least it’ll no longer be my fault when no one else does their job and we sink”, Izzy shrugs, and then gets to his task, Stede’s eyes following him from the forecastle but his conversation with Oluwande seems to be too important to cut short. Izzy is clearly relieved at that.

The Izzy who stayed with Bellamy would probably be something like this. Someone who Ed just barely remembers anymore, someone who doesn’t talk like the Izzy who’s been by his side for 15 years, doesn’t act like the Izzy who he’s lived with for 20 years. That Izzy would be more free with his words, more free with his emotions. More like the Izzy Ed fell in love with three decades ago.

He sincerely hopes Izzy can find peace with his new, old self, even if he has a sneaking, paralyzing suspicion it can’t happen unless Ed is out of the picture.

He looks to Stede again. The feelings he raises in Ed are much simpler, easier, more free, and yet they are not stronger than what he felt towards Izzy back when they were young and vicious together, instead of old and disillusioned. They are very different, the two men. It must be a good thing, right?

This is making his stomach turn. He needs to act before he thinks something stupid. He goes up to Stede, who is slowly succeeding in running away from Oluwande. He’s almost two whole steps further than he was a minute ago. Soon he might actually be free.

Oluwande quiets down as Ed approaches. Maybe the conversation is really done, or maybe it was about something they don’t want Ed to hear. Doesn’t matter right now. He tries to come up with something clever, or smooth, or pretty much anything that isn’t the straight-up truth. But he’s exhausted, he can barely think of any words, let alone subtle distractions that will work out for the best for everyone. And after all, why shouldn’t he say it straight? Not talking plainly is what got them into this mess in the first place.

 “Izzy wants you to stop following him around. It’s annoying him.”

Stede is ashamed. “I could tell - it’s just that I’m still worried. I was trying to help.” He looks to Oluwande, who raises his hand in the universal don’t-drag-me-into-this gesture, but doesn’t walk away, either. Everyone on this ship is so damn nosy, but Ed is too tired to shoo him away.

 “You keep doing things wrong so he ends up having to fix it anyway.”

 “Yes, well - I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be a bother. I just keep screwing things up -”

 “You can apologize once he cools off. We all know you didn’t mean anything bad, and you did your best.”

 “My best is still very bad”, Stede sniffles, but flashes a small, thankful smile. Apparently finding the right words runs even deeper in Ed than he thought.

 “You’re still learning. You’ll be a natural in no time.”

 “Well, since he doesn’t want me following him around, should I join you instead?” I’m sure I’d be useful at something.”

 “Think I really need to be alone for awhile. Maybe an hour. I’ll come get you once I’m ready.”

Ed goes to cocoon for a bit, and emerges again once he feels like his legs won’t give out on him. He actually does manage to finish all his work that day, although they all take at least three times longer than they should, and require some support from Stede. They exchange some vague words about Izzy, how he’s doing at his new job and how they feel about his new disposition. It actually does make Ed feel a little better. Maybe tomorrow they could talk a little more.

For about a week, things are quiet. Izzy sticks to his duties and his cabin, Ed and Stede talk a little more about how they feel about thew situation, the crew tries to get used to Izzy not yelling at them at every possible moment. He does still yell a few times, naturally, this is Izzy - but when Ed reminds him of their new rule of waiting five minutes before yelling, he falls in line. One time he even witnesses Izzy quieting himself, and feel prouder than he has in a long time.

The yelling is mostly aimed at Lucius, who is spending even more time with Izzy than he used to. It seems he’s overtaken the role of Izzy’s caregiver, something Stede is a little saddened by. He says that while he understands it’s what Izzy feels more comfortable with, it feels like Lucius has deliberately pushed him aside just when he was getting closer with Izzy. He also feels rejected by Izzy.

But it’s nothing they can’t deal with, and after Izzy allows Stede to change his bandages once more, both are visibly more relaxed around each other. They exchange words every now and then, and Ed catches Izzy looking softer than usual once or twice, and Stede looks at Izzy with quiet smiles - each time, a small stone drops in Ed’s stomach.

After one more week, Izzy starts talking with the crew. It starts as just a few words every now and then, mostly following Lucius’ lead, but soon he starts actually conversing. For their part, the crew is still wary with their words, but don’t discourage Izzy from joining them. Even Roach begrudgingly lets him be. Stede is proud of them both, he talks about them like a doting dad would about his kids - not that Ed knows much about that, but he imagines that’s how it looks. Stede praises Roach for his kindness, and also compliments Izzy for playing nice - almost in those words, and Izzy explodes. Curses him out for patronizing him, and then punches him for good measure, and Ed doesn’t step in. He lurks in the sidelines while Ivan and Lucius play mediator. He is so ashamed of it - he used to daydream of them becoming friends, and now he waits with bated breath for any rift between them. He barely moved a muscle when Izzy hit Stede, for fuck’s sake! He never wanted to be the reason Stede gets hurt, and there he is , feeling guilty about the bruise for all the wrong reasons. He feels even worse when Stede goes to apologize for his poor choice of words and make up with Izzy, and Ed follows him secretly, just in case. The matter is resolved peacefully, Izzy sounding pretty poisonous at the start even if Ed can’t make out the words, but the conversation ends with him sounding just slightly annoyed, as usual. Stede steps out of the cabin looking happy, but then notices Ed and starts chastising him for eavesdropping.

That’s the first night they go to bed angry since the week Stede came back.

On February 10th they run into a small merchant ship and decide to raid it. It doesn’t seem to be carrying anything too expensive since there isn’t another ship to escort it, and it only has two guns - there’s no need for an elaborate plan. They just arm up and board, all except Stede and Lucius - Stede because he still isn’t ready to take a direct part in raids without being a liability, and Lucius because he refuses to. Not that he’d be any use with a sword, should he change his mind. The two not-quite-combatants stay aboard the Revenge and rain down cover fire - Stede is still little good with a sword, but he’s making good progress with guns. While he aims and shoots, Lucius reloads, and their teamwork is an almost perfect harmony, shots banging an almost steady beat, like a coxswain.

Izzy is still recovering, but he refuses outright to stay on the Revenge. Ed can tell he’s been itching  for a chance to stab a fucker or two, so he eventually lets him come, provided he stay close to Ed so he’ll be easier to protect. Doesn’t stop Iz from breaking the promise pretty soon, but it shouldn’t be a problem - he’s slower than usual, a bit less cocksure, doing a lot more straight jabs instead of showy flourishes, but still very accurate and deadly. And a delight to witness in action - he’s that mix of intentional showing-off and natural fluidity that makes for a great show every time. He’s always looked good with a sword in hand, and great with said sword cutting some poor bastard open. Any crew he works with eventually notices it, and even if his current one hasn’t found much else to like about him, they do appreciate him cutting off that one guy’s hand clean off with one strike. Ed didn’t know a rapier could do that.

Soon enough, the merchant crew is either killed or thrown overboard, and it’s safe for Stede to come in. He makes the rounds in the hold with Ed and Iz, sorting through what they  find and estimating their worth. There’s not  a whole lot of loot, as Ed has assumed - some lumber, a few guns, but there is one surprisingly valuable crate in the form of coffee and tea, which should cover the cost of fixing some of the lanterns that were broken in the fight. Assuming Stede can bring himself to sell them once the time comes.

They’re not hurrying - Stede likes digging through boxes and sorting things, Ed likes watching him get adorably excited about the stuff he finds, and Iz likes writing things down and doesn't mind acting as their accountant for now. His mood had improved by leaps and bounds after the honest admiration his skills got from the crew.

That high mood might be why none of them immediately notice the one final enemy.

You see, every now and then, there’s someone either foolish or brave - or foolishly brave - enough on board to try to fight back. Those types rarely fare well, being among the first to attack, and thus also to fall.

This one though - he’s a lucky bastard. He’s just cowardly enough to hide when the battle starts, but just courageous enough to test his chances afterwards. He’s managed to cram himself behind a stack of crates, in a crevice that’s small enough to get overlooked. Ed only notices him as he lifts his arm through the crack.

To point a gun at Stede.

Ed only has enough time to feel his blood run cold, even though he’s right next to Stede, staring right at the guy. He doesn’t even have time to think of moving, maybe pulling Stede out of the way, possibly push himself between the two, before Iz has already stabbed the man through the wrist.

The sword would be through his neck if it wasn’t in such an awkward spot.

Stede has gone pale as a sheet and can only stare in frozen terror as Iz pulls the man out of his sniping spot and slashes his throat. All of them are sprayed with hot blood.

It’s been a fair while  since Ed has seen Iz covered in someone else’s blood - he’d forgotten what a good look it is on him. His nethers perk up as Iz tries to wipe his cheek clean, only managing to smear it worse. His wonderful  little attack dog.

 “You alright, captain?”

It isn’t directed at Ed.

Stede stammers, gaining back some color on his cheeks. Mostly green. Izzy scowls at him.

“Better get used to it. Not all of us are gentlemen”, he says pointedly, before sheathing his sword coolly. He takes a look at his blood soaked hands, then at the blood soaked notebook on the floor, huffs in annoyance, and walks off grumbling to himself. Ed wonders if he realizes his bandages are also soaked.

Stede shudders and stares at the corpse at his feet.

 “Well, that was - exhilarating. Quite something.”

 “Fuckin’ hot am I right?”

 “Ah - well. I could’ve done without the blood. But it was quite gallant.” Stede goes pale again and makes a gagging noise. “I think I’ll go sit down for a while.”

Right, Stede can be delicate about blood. Although Ed’s sure he could get over it if he saw Iz looking like that a few times more.

Ah. Not that Ed wants that. He would prefer Stede and Iz stay on platonic terms. You know. Horniness just makes you think weird thoughts.

 “Take all the time you need, love. But get on the Revenge, wouldn’t want any more nasty surprises.”

Lucius holds the bloodied notebook like it's made of snot.

 "Starting to regret having this good of an education", he states, looking helplessly at Pete, who doesn't spontaneously become literate.

Ed just shrugs. His words won't change anything, so he says nothing. He leaves it to all of Lucius' boyfriends to comfort him, and goes instead to see how his own is doing.

Stede's looking much better now that he's gotten to wipe himself down and switched to clean clothes, but he's still a bit pale. His hair is straight and damp, he must’ve washed it even though it barely got any blood in it.

 “You okay, love?” Ed asks, pressing a soft kiss to said hair.

 “I think so. Did you run into any more trouble?”

 “Nah. He was the only cockroach on board.”

Stede shudders. Either because of the near death experience or the cockroach, it’s not clear.

 "Need help with your hair?"

 "Oh, thank you! I should have the curler here - ah, yes, here you go."

He puts a scissors-looking contraption in Ed’s hand, and he looks at it dumbly. Why did he even ask? He knows nothing about doing hair! His own just does its thing naturally!

 "You could try wearing it straight for a change. I think it'd look nice on you", Ed says, discreetly fiddling with the curler, trying to figure out how the hell it’s supposed to work. And it's not a total lie anyway, he really does like it when Stede looks a little rugged. He should consider growing a stubble again.

 “Hmm. I suppose I could leave it like this for today. It’s already well into the afternoon.”

Hiding his sigh of relief Ed sets the curler down and instead grabs a comb and starts going through the strands, needlessly gently, needlessly slowly. He thinks back to Iz covered in blood. Imagines Stede in the same situation.

 "Was the blood hard to get off?"

 "Yes. You wouldn't think it dried that quickly." Stede shudders. "The coat is ruined. Don't think the shirt is salvageable, either."

 "You could save the coat, might come in handy. Makes for a pretty intimidating figure."

 "A gentleman doesn't wear clothes that are more stain than not", Stede protests.

Ed chuckles and leans down a little to press a kiss to Stede’s neck.

 “Ed! I just got clean!” Stede giggles.

 “Better make sure you don’t get dirty, then!”, Ed winks and lowers his hand to palm at Stede’s cock. He places more kisses on Stede’s neck, in all the places he likes. Stede needs little persuasion before he pulls Ed with him to the bed and draws Ed’s face up to smother him in hot kisses.

If there’s one thing Stede is good at, it’s kissing. He took to it with unbelievable speed, seemingly learning two new tricks in each one kiss, and he could leave Ed senseless in seconds.

He withdraws before he forgets they’re supposed to be quick and clean this time.

 “Let me suck you”, he breathes, voice husky and needy, hand already digging at the fly of Stede’s breeches.

 “Oh my”, Stede gasps, and his hands wander around, trying to find bare skin to hold onto. Ed dives in for one more kiss with so much tongue it makes him dizzy, and Stede’s fingers gripping his hair aren’t making things easier. Stede’s fly slips open, and Ed immediately snakes his hand inside, tugging the shirt out of his way, and finally he reaches his prize.

Stede’s moans are wonderful. Soft, sensual, insistent, as Ed fondles his cock, brushing his thumb across the head.

 “Remember to come inside”, Ed whispers in Stede’s ear, tone leaning more to excited rather than the sly he had gone for, and Stede’s breath hitches and he whispers a soft fuck.

Stede has a very nice cock. A little bigger than Ed’s, evenly thick all around, light in color. The hair at the base is thick and blonde, and it never smells bad - how he manages that when everyone else on the ship stinks to high heaven remains a mystery that’s far less important than getting his mouth around Stede right this second. He’s gotten a lot of practice at this lately, and feels he’s gotten pretty good. Clearly Stede shares the sentiment, cock growing stiffer by the second, breathless moans escaping his mouth with each lick, fingers curling in Ed’s hair in wordless praise.

It all gets into Ed’s head, swaddling his thoughts in a cozy blanket, hazing his thoughts. For now, there’s little in the world but the Stede’s lovely voice, the faintly salty taste in Ed’s mouth, and the love shared between them.

Izzy never let him do this. He’d wanted to, sometimes, after a raid or brawl, but she always said it was a whore’s job, quickly and out of breath before getting back to sucking Ed’s cock to oblivion. Bit hypocritical of her.

The thought yanks him harshly back to the rest of the world. To his own heated, needy moans around Stede’s shaft, his own cock standing in rapt attention, his own heart thumping a painful, erratic beat against his chest.

Stede taps his shoulder in a hurried warning, and Ed buries himself deep as he physically can, runs his tongue along Stede’s cock as best he can with his mouth stuffed so full, and is rewarded with all he should want at this moment. The scent of Stede enveloping him, the touch of Stede all over his body, the voice of Stede surrounding him, but something is missing.

Stede draws him close, embraces him sweetly, kisses him hotly.  “You’re so good to me, dear.”

Ed’s taken several missteps along the way, but he does his best. Stede makes him want to do his best. It’s turning them both into better people.

Ed caresses Stede’s cheek softly, love swelling in his whole being. “You’re very easy to be good to, love.”

Stede melts, smiles like he’s having a dream. His hand starts wandering downward, but Ed grabs his wrist before it makes contact with the throbbing, leaking member. Stede looks at him with slight confusion.

 “Shouldn’t keep the crew waiting, or they’ll start fighting over who gets what.”

Stede makes a disappointed frown. “If you insist.” Ed grins and gives him a quick kiss. “But tonight I will fuck you so hard you forget your own name.”

It’s not often that Ed blushes. It’s even rarer than Stede use such language. “Keep talking like that and you’ll barely even need to touch me.”

The crew is gathered on the deck, chattering excitedly. It's less about the meager loot and more about the battle. It's lifted up everyone's moods, though apparently for Iz it was much more temporary since he's sitting by himself, looking considerably more sour than when they parted. Unlike Stede, Iz hasn't fully cleaned up. He's changed clothe and washed his face, but the dirty bandages are still there, and his hair is also clearly stiff with dried blood. He smells of it, too. Ed actually kinda likes it.

Frenchie holds up one of the coats they took off of the merchant crew, a dark blue, fairly fancy one. "Can I have this one? It'd go well with my Sunday breeches."

It wouldn't fetch much of a price. Someone had cut through an arm and left not only a giant rip, but also a bloodstain running down the whole front, so Stede gladly lets him keep it.

The rest of the clothes didn't fare much better, but they  still have the weapons and assorted pots, pans and dishes to bargain with, and decent rations. Not a feast’s worth, but a small celebration at least.

 “Closest port is île-A-Vache, right?” Stede ponders, and it’s proof that he’s been studying the charts.

 “Yeah. Port Royal pays better, though. Only a few days further, too.”

 “Supplies should last”, Stede thinks out loud. “Everyone in favor of making port at Port Royal?”

 “Aye!” comes the answer from most mouths, the rest being indifferent, Iz among them. It seems he’s done with being part of anything for now , as he slinks off to his cabin in annoyed silence.

Stede leaves Ed to plan the course - preferably one that would give them a good chance to raid one more ship while en route to Port Royal. He takes up the task gladly, he’s always been at his best at planning. Gives him a good excuse to spend some with Iz, too. They haven’t talked much lately, both still being awkward in the other’s presence, but Ed still misses hanging out with him. It’s strange how Stede is suddenly the one who’s closer to Izzy.

He goes to Iz’s cabin, forgets to knock before entering, and sees Iz craning his neck in front of the mirror, searching for the end of his bandage, hands getting smudged with the crusty blood of his bandages. Ed’s surprised he hadn’t changed them earlier.

 “Want some help with that?”

 “What the hell are you doing here?” Iz snaps defensively. Wow, who pissed in his coffee in the last hour? He looked pretty damn happy while playing hero for Stede. Getting a bit of blood on you shouldn’t be that big of a deal.

 “Came to get your help in planning the route.”

Iz clicks his tongue and practically spits his answer at Ed’s feet. “Not my job anymore.”

 “Huh?”

Izzy looks at him sternly. “You’re the one who made me a rigger. I don’t handle the navigation anymore.”

Oh. Right, of course, Ed did do that. He just got caught up in - something. He just forgot.

 “You’re right, I’ll just ask... someone else.”

Izzy used to crave his attention, would kill for an hour of Ed’s company.

 “I recommend the captain, he needs to learn eventually”, Izzy says scathingly, hands moving to press on his right shoulder. Maybe the cut is still putting a strain on him?

Ed could at least give him a shoulder rub, that should put him in a better mood. He always loved having Ed’s hands on him, his actions always made it clear even when his words claimed otherwise.

 “Does it hurt? You want a shoulder rub?”

 “Be best if you fucked off”, Izzy huffs, and it’s not in that I-actually-want-the-opposite way he used to always say it with.

Would... would he have said that if it was Stede? Who he was suddenly calling captain? Even if it wasn't quite the way he used to call Ed captain? Is he - how could he? How dare he?

Ed sees the ring on Izzy's ring finger. He belongs to someone else now.

How dare he!

 “Okay, okay. Just trying to be nice”, Ed mutters and leaves.

He says nothing about the incident to Stede, but he still acts strangely enough for Stede to ask if he’s alright - Ed doesn’t lie, but neither does he tell what’s causing his clipped words and tense hands. Stede can tell who the reason is, surely, but he can’t know the details. He doesn’t push, because he’s an angel.

Ed is impossibly lucky they met. Stede is perfect in nearly every way. He’s the sunny days after a storm. He’s sincere and good. He’s the adventure Ed has been searching for all his life, the missing link between sophistication and brutality. He’s honest and loving in all the ways Ed never knew a man could be. He’s a bit unhinged and not always as smart as he should be, but he has faith in Ed and that’s enough to make him want to work things out. So he tries to talk about it - but he can’t force himself to actually talk about it, and even if Stede is a little disappointed and impatient for things to get better, he understands and keeps loving Ed. Things are alright.

Despite wanting to, Ed doesn’t see much of Iz the next day - he’s got his hands full with the wind picking up, even with Fang helping him out where he can, and he has to spend a lot of time high up in the rigging, adjusting knots and whatnot. From what little glimpses Ed can catch, he seems fairly calm, so whatever made him throw that hissy fit after the raid must’ve been dealt with.

Being only about half a day away from Port Royal and not having run into a vessel they could  overtake, a restless energy takes over the idle crew, and with little else to do,  Jim suddenly gains an interest in Izzy’s work. They’re idly tossing a knife into the air and catching it, over and over, eyes on Izzy, who doesn’t seem to have noticed until he yells down at them.

 “Jimenez, pass me a knife!” Izzy calls from up in the rigging. Jim does as asked - by throwing it hard enough to embed the blade in the mast, by Izzy’s midsection. That’s some serious skill.

It’s hard to see from down here what he does with it, but it takes a bit, and Jim gets frustrated with the lack of good manners.

 “Would it kill you to say thanks!” they complain. Izzy hesitates for a few seconds before yelling a simple thanks. Jim seems happy enough with that, and after a few minutes Izzy throws the knife back down, blade first to the deck - usually, Ed would make him patch that nick, but supposes he could do it instead this once. It’s understandable Iz wouldn’t feel like climbing all the way down just to hand back one item.

Jim stays and watches for a minute, and then asks.

 “Is that the mizzenmast!”

 “Yeah!”

 “So that’s the mizzensail!”

 “Yeah!”

 “But the topsail is not at the top!”

 “The top ones are royals!”

 “That’s fucking stupid!”

 “I know!” Izzy laughs. He holds a lot of grudge towards royalty. Nobility in general, but especially royalty.

Jim watches for a while longer, then climbs up to join Izzy. He looks at them with surprise, and says something that’s lost to the wind, along with Jim’s reply. He then starts showing Jim what he’s doing, pointing out sails and teaching different knots. He’s usually a shitty teacher, he hates it when you don’t already know whatever it is you’re only just learning and starts cursing and screaming at you, but it seems he’s trying harder this time to not drive away his first apprentice.

Well, he was a shitty teacher in any case. The rare few cases Missy Izzy could be convinced to teach something had gone much better.

Or maybe it was just the subject matter.

Let’s not go down that path, brain.

Stede watches the pair fondly.

“You know, I’m starting to think he’s not a lost cause”, Stede chuckles. “He just needs some tenderness and he’ll be eating  out of our hands.”

The day Izzy doesn’t bite Stede’s hand is the day he stops calling himself Izzy, Ed used to think - now he’s dangerously close to agreeing. But the way to Izzy’s heart includes little niceness and a lot of domination.

 “It doesn’t work like that with Izzy”, he tries to explain. It’s nice of Stede to try and be kind, but he just doesn’t know Izzy the way Ed does. ”He doesn’t get gentleness, he’s an attack dog. He needs a leash. Wants a leash.” Is probably incapable of functioning without a leash.

 “Nonsense, everyone could do with some kindness”, Stede insists, obliviously kind-hearted. It’s what Ed loves about him, along with the cleverness and creativity. It’s just that the kindness is wasted on Izzy. Trust him on this, Ed’s tried.

“Perhaps he’s only an attack dog because no one tried to make him a lap dog”, Stede argues proudly. “Don’t tell him I said that, he’d hit me”, he adds, much less proudly.

Actually he’s wrong on that point - Bellamy(may he not rest in peace once his time comes) had tried his best to keep Izzy’s claws in check, and who had Izzy run to in the end? Ed smirks confidently.

 “Go ahead then. Give it a try, you’ll see I’m right.”

 “Perhaps I will! He deserves nice things, you know. Maybe I’ll invite him to dinner some day. Tomorrow, in fact! I’ll have Roach make  a meat pie. And something with apples, Izzy likes them.”

Ed might act high and mighty, but if he’s being completely honest, the situation worries him more than a little. Izzy warmed up to Stede while they played patient and nurse, and even more during this last few weeks. The uneasy, tentative affection between them is making Ed feel worryingly close to jealous. He knows it isn’t like that, because Izzy isn’t drawn to men like Stede - soft and fancy. He knows Izzy isn’t interested like that... And - and surely Stede isn’t interested either, it’s just sympathy for his patient, it will wear out once Izzy is himself again, and starts insulting everyone and trying to boss people around and cursing worse than a sailor. Because usual Izzy isn’t at all Stede’s type. And usual Izzy isn’t someone you forget, even if he’s acting like a puppy for now.

It can’t be like that.

Ed only agrees to Stede’s plan because he’s desperate to prove himself  wrong. After dinner, once they’ve set anchor, they go to Izzy’s cabin.

Unlike Ed, Stede always remember to knock. Izzy answers the door in a state of slight dishevel, and it’s unfairly fetching on him.  He’s so rarely seen without his hair set and waistcoat buttoned up that seeing him ready for bed feels like being let in on a dirty secret.

His hair has gotten a bit long. And it’s freshly cleaned. Guess he was celebrating Jim’s interest in the rigging. Even his once-white-now-grey and worn out linen shirt is clean. This one isn’t Lucius’, by the way, it’s one he’s had for years.

Ed knows this because it’s Ed’s hand-me-downs.

And Izzy wearing Ed’s clothes is often a sign of Missy Izzy’s presence.

It only adds to the fetchiness.

 “Izzy, could I have a moment of your time?”

 “Make it quick”, Izzy mutters, and Ed can no longer tell if he’s really annoyed or just acting his self-appointed part of disgruntled asshole.

 “I would like to extend an invitation to dinner tomorrow in the great cabin - if you’d be so inclined -”

 “Jesus, I said make it quick”, Izzy quips with a roll of his eyes. So, not actually annoyed.

 “Get your ass to our cabin tomorrow at dinner”, Ed grins. Iz answers with a grin of his own - Ed is surprised, though not startled unlike after that princess jab. Iz really does seem to be evolving into his past self. He used to grin and smile a lot more often when they’d been young, even when he wasn’t a woman. Missy Izzy had always been more easy-going, yeah, but a joke from just Izzy hadn’t been all that rare, either. Until the mutiny. Before life choked the joy out of Izzy. Before Blackbeard.

Fucking hell, they really screwed each other over with that decision, didn’t they.

“See how it’s done?” Izzy says to Stede, who takes it as a good-natured jab. It was probably only half good-natured. “But I’m busy with other stuff. Just eat by yourselves.”

Yeah, Ed’s pretty sure this is Missy Izzy. Regular Izzy wouldn’t be this polite to Stede. It’s been a real long time since her last appearance, she used to be around a lot when they were young, but Ed doesn’t remember seeing her even once in the last 7 years, at least. It’s pretty much only been First Mate Hands.

 “Oh.” Stede sounds so disappointed, but tries again, hopeful. “The day after, perhaps? Or lunch?”

At this, Izzy digs her heels in, grin replaced by familiar scowling. She loses the almost playful tilt of her head in favor of standing up defiantly. Ed doesn’t want to admit that he’s a little relieved by this. He’s proved his point about Izzy being an attack dog.

 “I’m busy. Eat by yourselves.”

 “Surely we can find a date that works for you?”

 “I’ve made a truce with you, Bonnet. We’re not friends.”

The relief Ed had felt is now dwarfed in comparison to how the plain sting on Stede’s face twists his insides.

 “Oh.”

Ed wants to wipe that scowl off Izzy’s face with his fist. She doesn’t get to hurt Stede, not after what she’s put them both through. She doesn’t get to play the victim. She will yield.

 “Iz. Dinner. Tomorrow. You don’t want to find out what happens if you’re not there.”

Stede looks at him with slight exasperation -it’s a relief he doesn’t understand how serious Ed is. Izzy just mopes.

Only seconds after saying it, Ed might throw up over how good it felt to threaten Izzy again. Stede and Ed aren’t the only ones who have suffered, and at least they’re close to getting their happily ever after. What does Izzy have? No real goals or friends, only a former lover who doesn’t know how to let her go but won’t take her back either.

Ed needs to start doing something about that.

They reach Port Royal a mid-morning the next day. As predicted, Stede has a hard time parting with the tea and coffee, so after Iz’s (very meanly worded) suggestion they compromise by keeping about two weeks’ rations of both and sell the rest. Stede laments the fact that the guy seemed like the type that doesn’t know how to appreciate a good arabica and would boil green tea.

Iz would make a sarcastic remark on it, but she went off on her own after her idea was accepted. It might be a good thing - Iz has always been shit a t relaxing, constantly finding something to either do or micromanage, but will usually use shore leave to visit a tavern though it’s rare for her to get drunk. Even rarer for him, interestingly enough.

Roach mopes a bit about having to cut his leave short, but Stede promises to pay him well for “overtime” - Ed makes a mental note to ask what that means later. Turns out Roach is a pretty good haggler and walks away with a share Ed feels is a lot more than fair. But it’s Stede’s ship and Stede’s cook, so it’s not his place to butt in.

They do a bit of shopping, then head back to the ship to get ready - hours earlier than needed. Stede explains that he’s just nervous and wants to make a good impression. Ed says that Izzy would really be more impressed by a messy and dirty cabin, but doesn’t mention it would be a bad sort of impressed. It doesn’t work anyway, Stede is set on making things as clean and pretty as humanly possible.

Once the knock comes, Stede gives one final smoothing to his immaculate clothes and hair. He opens the door to a pouting Izzy, who at least has the decency to have put on clean clothes - that particular linen shirt isn't Ed's, even though by all logic that one should still be clean. So she might have gone back to being just Izzy, then. This one is probably Lucius', Ed thinks he's seen the scribe wearing it before. They should do laundry soon, Ed is also starting to run out of clean clothes.

 “Right, let’s get this over with”, Izzy grumbles.

Stede doesn’t let the grumpiness get him down, thankfully. “Lovely of you to join us! I thought we might start with some aperitifs, would you care for some vermouth?”

 “Iz doesn’t really drink”, Ed informs him before Izzy can make a more scathing remark. He can’t remember the last time Izzy was properly drunk - at most he’ll allow himself to get tipsy - but it must’ve been before the Pants Incident, maybe even before Gideon died. So it’s been a long time, but Ed still remembers how he acts when he’s had a bit too much - gets soft and sleepy, more easy with his affections. Girly, as Izzy calls it, with contempt.

So Ed doesn’t remember the last time Izzy got properly drunk, but he does remember the last time Izzy asked for her hand to be held, and he remembers even better how in the morning she went from Missy Izzy back to First Mate Hands, and vehemently denied ever having liked getting his hair stroked and saying the words I love you.

Ed wonders if he still feels the same. Sturdy, but pliant under the right touches. If he would still make the same noises. If Stede has imagined -

Ed can’t possibly be drunk already, he only had a bit of rum in town.

 “Oh? Not even wine? That’s a shame. I have a bottle of Tokay from an excellent year”, Stede mourns.

 “Even I’m gonna need some liquid courage to get through this”, Izzy mutters as Stede guides him to the table, and for a second Ed wants Stede to put his hand on the small of Izzy’s back.

Someone must’ve been spiking the food at that shitty pub.

Izzy sits down heavily at the seat he used when Ed came to convince him to eat, and talk some things through.

Ed doesn’t know if it’s significant. It’s the seat next to Stede, closest to the door, furthest from Ed. Stede pours them all a tiny glass of the vermouth, dry and spicy. Izzy looks at it with disdain, and downs it one go. Then makes a face.

 “Stronger than you thought, right?” Ed laughs, and sips his daintily, brushing aside the memory of their first drunken kiss. “Want me to top your glass?”

 “Please - as the host, let me”, Stede intervenes.

Izzy downs this glass just as fast the first one.

 “You’re supposed to savor it”, Stede pouts.

 “I’ll savor it once I’m drunk enough to tolerate this farce”, Izzy shoots back and motions for another glass. Stede lets out a long-suffering sigh and does as requested.

Izzy lets the third pour in peace, Ed notices, and is sure Stede doesn’t miss it either. Izzy's awkwardness about being nice would be cute if it wasn't so goddamn annoying.

 “So. Here I am”, Izzy grumbles, purposely antagonistic. Ed gives him a warning look, which Izzy ignores with glee. “What’s for dinner.”

This is Stede in his element.

 “For appetizers we have boiled corn and onion bread rolls - I was hoping for garlic, but alas, the store has run dry. Our main course is Cheshire pork pie, with a side of pickled cucumbers, for wine we have a red Bordeaux, but you may of course opt for water if you’d prefer. And finally, for dessert, Roach has prepared apple tarts - they might be on the simple side, but I assure you they’re quite delicious.”

Ed has been watching Izzy’s face with amusement - at first it’s just annoyed, then as the list goes on it grows first into disbelief, then amazement, and finally outrage.

 “Fucking hell, you eat like this every day?”

 “No, no! Well, not anymore. This is a special occasion.”

Ed is surprised that Izzy doesn’t push the issue, since he hates excess and luxury. Instead, he takes a sip of his aperitif, savors it discreetly to buy himself some time, but it’s not enough and he can’t think of what to say.

Ed saves his hide and pride. “How’s work gone so far?”

 “We should redo the rigging completely”, Izzy responds flatly, in his element again - complaining. “It’s not an efficient arrangement. We should make port and overhaul the whole thing.Find a sailmaker.”

 “Is it in that bad of a condition?” Stede asks, worried.

 “Nah, but a sailmaker’s always good to have onboard”, Ed says.

Izzy suggests a port, and Stede promises to consider it. Then he tries some light conversation, but it doesn’t work out the way he hoped - Izzy is either thorny or tight-lipped. So they switch back to more professional matters, and even if Stede is a little disappointed, he’s also happy that Izzy is taking part without being properly drunk. Just tipsy enough that he doesn’t feel the need to be an asshole, and Stede is always happy to learn something new. They end up talking mostly about ship maintenance, for a good few hours. It lets Ed drown himself in a few more pleasant memories as he lingers on the outskirts of the conversation, offering only a few words here and there, between longing looks at Stede's hands and Izzy's face. It's gotten a lot older since they first met. It's comforting. Knowing it's still here, after all they've been through together. Hornigold, the Kraken, Stede. It won't run away from him.

The drinks undoubtedly help Iz to forget keep track of time, or he would’ve left right after finishing his food. He also forgets to act like he’s been forced here as a prisoner. It’s rare to see him wound down like this, which might be the reason he drinks so rarely in the first place - doesn’t like having his guard down and his image ruined. He’s not a happy drunk, per se, unless he starts in a good mood. But he does always get a little absentminded no matter his starting point.

 “We should do this again soon”, Stede suggests happily as he nurses his second cup of tea - the very one he hadn’t had the heart to sell. Aforementioned absentmindedness must be the reason Iz replies with a simple sure instead of a complaint, and the cup of quality coffee from the same haul as the tea can only help matters. Ed sees the surprise on Stede’s face and lifts a finger to his lips - better shush him before he says something to make Iz notice his lapsus.

 “But we need supplies”, Iz continues thoughtfully. “We should be running low on flour and potatoes.”

 “Roach told you?”

 "Lucius. He - spends a lot of time in the stores."

 “I wonder how Roach keeps track of everything, since he can’t read", Stede muses out loud, completely missing the fact that his scribe's favorite noodling spot is right next to everyone's food.

 “He can count and he has experience”, Iz explains, not very thoroughly.

 “He should count more sugar, we’re constantly running out”, Ed butts in, trusting Iz to latch onto that.

 “You know it’s because you put seven damn lumps in each cup! It’s undrinkable at that point you damn sugar mite!”

 “It’s not the right amount of sweet otherwise!”

 “Just eat it straight! That’s what you’re basically doing anyway!”

 “So I like sweet things. That a crime now?”

 “Unmanly is what it is”, Iz whines, in a not very manly fashion.

 “Being unmanly is fun every now and then. As you know.”

 “I guess”, Iz amends, and grins faintly. Then suddenly he remembers Stede isn’t supposed to know about that, and he jumps up, pointing an accusing finger at Ed. “The fuck I’d know! Whatever he’s been saying about me, it’s not true!” he tries to convince Stede, who has no idea what either of them is talking about.

 “I promise Ed has only said good things about you”, Stede tries to calm him, and it’s a lie. Ed has complained about Iz plenty.

 “Well of course it was good for him!”

 “You seemed to like it plenty”, Ed teases before he gets hold of his drunken brain. He didn’t mean to ruin the mood, he didn’t want to make Iz feel bad, he doesn’t want Iz running off and cutting their night short when they were getting along so well. “I’m sorry. That was out of line.”

 “Yeah, it was!” Iz yells angrily, but there’s an edge of panic in there.

 “I haven’t told him. Haven’t told anyone”, Ed promises. He really hasn’t. Not just for safety, but also because Iz always seemed ashamed of Missy Izzy.

 “You really haven’t?”

 “I haven’t.”

Iz deflates with relief and sits back down. Everyone is silent for a while, mood gone to shit, and Ed is mentally kicking himself in the head.

 “Well, it’s nearing bedtime”, Stede finally says awkwardly. “I could read us all a story - well, less read and more telling from memory. Seeing as how all my books of fairytales were thrown out.”

Iz barks a laugh at that, and the coffee nearly sloshes out from his cup. Ed makes an apologetic face, even though Stede has already forgiven him for throwing out all his stuff.

 “You ninnies have fun crying over children’s stories, I’m going to bed.”

And Iz gets on his wobbly feet. Ed wants to offer his help, but with their new strained relationship Iz isn’t likely to accept - and Ed’s in a volatile enough state of mind to not know how he would react if Iz rejected him.

 “We’ll get you to attend one of these days”, he boasts instead. Izzy rolls his eyes and gets going.

"This was a lovely evening, we should do it again soon!" Stede calls after him, and Iz flips him the bird. But doesn't say no.

Late the next morning Stede goes to ask Izzy to join them on shore, walk around a bit and see the sights - which there are few and none worth seeing, really - but it seems he's already gone off on his own. They later run into Frenchie and Wee John, who say they saw Izzy going somewhere with Jim and Oluwande, and when they return to the ship in the evening they see him mending a sail with Lucius - or rather, Izzy mends while Lucius sits next to him just chatting. It's nothing out of the ordinary  since Lucius is well-known to do as little physical work as possible, and Izzy has come to begrudgingly accept that. Stede shoots them a jealous look, but Ed pulls him away before either notices them. Nice as last night was, it’s only made Ed more scared of them growing closer.

They had planned to leave that day anyway, but an approaching navy vessel forces them to  gather everyone up from around town and run off early. Jim, Oluwande and Fang hurry to help Izzy with the sails, Buttons takes over the helm, and they manage to flee pretty much just in the nick of time. The lone navy ship tries to give chase, but is much slower than the Revenge, which makes Ed suspect there's something off with it - a brig that size should be making ten knots in this wind, but it seems like they're making barely half of that. Ed isn't about to curse his good luck, but it does make him uneasy. Like it's some kind of plot. But since the ship doesn't reappear in the next few days, he breathes a sigh of relief. Must've just been a coincidence or something. It's back to smooth sailing.

Well, mostly anyway. There's a wrinkle in the form of Stede taking up following after Izzy again, spying  on his knotwork, trying to replicate the hand movements. Izzy feigns ignorance for a while, but eventually snaps and starts instructing him angrily. Ed can’t hear them over the wind and waves, but can imagine the words - you fucking twat, like this! Fucking useless idiot, don’t you know anything?!, and so on. To Stede’s credit, while he’s startled and nervous, he stands his ground and reminds Izzy of the no-yelling rule instead of cowering. This pisses Izzy off even worse, but he really does shut up. Doesn’t even get physical! Oh, his face is red and scrunched up snarly, for sure, but he doesn’t start a fight. He does march off with great rage, naturally, but it’s nice to see he respects the rule enough to keep himself in check when reminded.

Stede looks at the rope with guilt, and tries to finish Izzy’s work for him. It’s a pretty sad sight, so Ed eventually takes pity on him and goes to take over.The next day, Stede stops pretending he isn’t blatantly watching, and goes right up to Izzy and pays very close attention. Ed subtly creeps closer to keep an eye on them. As expected, Izzy starts huffing and puffing, though he’s surprisingly slow to start with the yelling. Even more surprisingly, Stede actually learns something, and - this nearly makes Ed fall over in shock - Izzy gives him a reluctant "Not as shitty as all the other times" and Stede beams with pride, until Izzy follows up with "You know what that knot's called? What it's used for?" and then with an "Of fucking course you don't, you twat" when Stede makes a helpless noise in lieu of answering.

Ed is just about to intervene when Izzy goes into actual teaching mode. “It's the buntline hitch. Good for securing sails, shaking makes it tighten. Try again."

It hits Ed over the head like a bag of bricks.

Don’t get him wrong, of course he’s happy that Izzy’s finally stopped hating Stede for no reason and that they both get to be happy, that they’re getting along because trying to act mediator between them had been incredibly tiring, but it’s just so stomach-twisting seeing the two of them acting so friendly. Guess even Izzy has to go soft for someone who nursed him back to health, be it even his sworn, one-sided nemesis. The experience has mellowed him out a lot - he curses less these days, and is less high-strung about maintaining the ship, less stressed in general. He feels closer to his 30-year-old self. The one that was efficient without being a hard-ass, who smiled every now and then, and looked at Ed with warmth and only a touch of reverence. It resembles the Izzy that Ed had loved, so long ago, before being a living legend wore them both out. He feels a small something in his chest whenever he sees Izzy up in the rigging, or securing the ropes, or just sitting with the crew.

That something is worryingly similar to the possessive sting that led to him steal Izzy from Bellamy, decades ago. And it’s scarily close to the surge of affection he feels whenever Stede touches him. Of course it’s a lot weaker than either those feelings, and of course he isn’t actually falling back in love with Izzy, and of course there’s no danger of Ed abandoning Stede, but - it’s nostalgic, and Ed can still remember what it was like, loving Izzy. Having someone who’s lived the same shitty circumstances, who can understand what it takes to thrive outside the law, and can damn near read your mind. How intoxicating it felt to have someone like that at his mercy. How flattering it was to hear someone drink in every word he said. Invigorating, in a very different way from the comfortable partnership with Stede feels. Covetous.

Those memories must be why he feels uneasy seeing others act so familiar with Izzy. He used to be no one’s but Eds, would rarely chat with anyone else, and would never let anyone else touch him. Now he sees him talking with them all the time, sees Lucius give him pats on the back and Fang try to give him hugs(he’s had no success as of yet). And worse, Izzy is responding to this new-found camaraderie. He’s stopped griping about anything and everything, does his best to stay neutral even when his face betrays his anger, catches himself before he tries to boss anyone around, and has even started sleeping on the deck with the rest of the crew who don’t have cabins. He used to hate that.

But the worst is that Stede is being so kind in return, and so patient, and Izzy likes it. He’s almost  stopped calling Stede names, says a kind word every now and then, doesn’t squirm away when Stede puts a hand on his shoulder, or brushes his arm, looks at him without sneering. It’s almost like he’s moved on from Ed to -

No, actually the worst is how Stede is responding to this new, muted Izzy, that he puts a hand on Izzy’s shoulder, and brushes his arm, and smiles at him warmly and quietly, and looks at him with fondness that the Izzy from a month ago could never have incited.

Since their last call of port had been cut short, they vote to make another landfall after a few days. Izzy wants to get some repairs done and to find a sailmaker, Roach needs chicken feed, and Buttons says something about a dangerous phase of the moon. Ed can't tell if he says it in favor or in opposition of making port. Olivia squawks supportively, and no one comments further.

 "Could try Santiago de Cuba, but it's not a pirate port. Tortuga might be safer", Ed muses out loud. "Could make it in two days if the wind holds, and it should."

 "Everyone in favor of making port at Tortuga, raise your hand?" Stede asks, and everyone raises a hand. Guess the moon was making the sea dangerous, then. "Unanimous vote! How lovely! Ed, dear, would you mind planning the course?"

 "Sure. Iz, wanna come with?"

 “No.” It’s blunt, and it’s only then that Ed remembers once again - “It’s not my job anymore.”

 “Of course, sorry”, he apologizes instantly. But he's mostly sorry about missing a chance to spend time with Iz. He's been giving Ed the cold shoulder since the dinner. “Let me know if you need help with the rigging.”

 “Jimenez is competent enough, we’ll manage two days.” And with that he walks off, not even a glance to Ed’s direction, Bellamy’s ring on his finger.

Izzy never used to say no to him. These new boundaries are throwing him off balance. On one hand, it’s a good thing Izzy’s learning his limits, and letting go of his obsession with Ed. And Izzy has every right int he world to be his own person. He should be his own person. Ed should encourage this new direction, help Iz move on and find contentment in his new role and relationships.

But he wants to claim Izzy all to himself again, make him look only at him again, want to only please him again, make him stop carrying Bellamy’s ring on his hand, make him stop avoiding Ed, wants to show anyone who dares touch Izzy what happens to those who lay their hands on Blackbeard’s property.

And then - then he remembers Stede and feels such horror at these thoughts that he nearly throws himself at the feet of whoever’s nearest and begs for punishment. He loves Stede, wants to spend the rest of his life with him, wants to never hurt him or betray him - it - it must just be because Izzy has never been cold to him before so it's new and strange and fascinating. It'll pass.

It has to pass.

Ed tries to push it out of his mind, and he does have some success, largely because the more he stresses about it the more his knee starts aching and the pain leaves little room for other thoughts. Like it's trying to be helpful in it's own, torturous way. By now it's the middle of the night, and his whole leg might as well be on fire, and he's this close to hacking the goddamn thing off. Resting it doesn't help, stretching it doesn't help, and Stede's massaging technique isn't confident enough - his touch is too light, worried about hurting Ed further, and also doesn’t have the experience to know what parts like what motions. Stede is so gentle, when he isn't burning down asshole rich idiots. Gentleness is such a rare treat in this type of life, and Stede wields it so freely - sometimes it still catches Ed off guard how open he can be about everything. How clueless and soft he is. How absolutely lovely he is.

Ed wouldn't have the heart to wake him even if he did have the perfect massage technique. Izzy, on the other hand, is on watch. Even if he now refuses to take part in choosing routes or any other professional matters - as he has every right to, Ed reminds himself - hopefully he won't mind doing a personal favor for his frie - possible friend. Ed isn't too sure what they are, anymore. Can only hope Stede hasn't usurped Ed's spot in Izzy's mind.

So he heads out to the deck, thankful that he moon is only a crescent so Buttons isn't up for moonbathing, and for the slight drizzle that means all the crew has opted to sleep under deck. Izzy usually likes to hang out on forecastle, and this time is no exception - the unusual part is that he isn’t alone. In the faint moon light Ed can see Lucius leaning on the helm, Izzy somewhere behind him. Ed still isn’t too comfortable around the scribe, meeting the victim of your attempted murder is awkward enough in the best circumstances, the victim being undeserving makes it even worse, and when you break down crying before your undeserving attempted murder victim who has been hiding in your fist mate’s cabin for weeks, well - that’s really something else. Ed hadn’t been in a sound state of mind at the time, and of course he’d apologized, and it should be clear he regrets doing it, and he’s trying hard to make amends, but Lucius is still so cold. It doesn’t look like he’s planning to forgive and forget any time soon. Same with Black Pete, although he isn’t making it as obvious. Ed tries not to show that he’s avoiding Lucius, but everyone must already knew. The ship isn't that big.

So Ed sits down and leans against the wall instead of getting up on the forecastle, trying his best to rub his knee, waiting for Lucius to move on so Izzy can work on it properly. He can’t quite make out what’s being said, but it sounds pretty heated. Not all that surprising when it comes to Izzy, but very surprising with Lucius. The man is timid at the best of times, and even when he got angry he’d just get sarcastic instead of aggressive. While he snipes a lot, Ed’s never heard him yell at anyone. Is it more shocking that he’s yelling at Izzy, or less? After all, they had shared that tiny cabin for weeks, must’ve gotten along pretty well since they’re both still alive - is he comfortable enough with Izzy to yell, or just angry enough? They had become something approximating friends while Stede was away. Izzy has stopped threatening and demeaning Lucius almost completely, and Ed sometimes catches them talking alone calmly. They have their arguments, naturally, since Izzy is Izzy and Lucius has a lot more backbone than you’d think, but it always resolves pretty quickly and amicably. These days they’re practically bosom buddies. Weird how Izzy seems to get along best with the people who put up with his bullshit the least.

But this time the talk just keeps going and getting more and more heated. Ed’s knee isn’t letting up, either, and he’s starting to consider just interrupting them both for the sake of his knee and their friendship, when Izzy’s voice finally rises higher and louder, and the first audible words of the argument are “You lower your fucking voice! I’ve had enough of your-”

Classic Izzy.

He’s interrupted by Lucius’ much cooler and quieter voice, and Ed finds himself straining to hear the rest. His interest has been piqued. What a fun word, piqued. Stede taught him that last week.

 “It’s how things are -” Izzy is saying.

 “They don’t have to be.”

 “Fuck off, not our business how-”

 “Tell me, Izzy, are you happy? With how things are?”

There’s a short silence, a first when it comes to arguments with Izzy. The man is simply incapable of shutting himself up even when it’s clear he has no arguments other than shut up or fuck off. It worries Ed - maybe he hasn’t recovered from his suicide attempt as well as everyone thought. Maybe the root cause hasn’t really been dealt with, maybe they haven’t talked about it enough, maybe Ed just got swept up in the new dynamic between Izzy and the crew and didn’t realize not everyone is as happy about it?

Ed should probably go help him. Show support and take criticism. Lucius has a scathing tongue when pushed, Izzy doesn’t need that when he’s proven more sensitive than he acts. He might take things the wrong way and do something drastic.

Ed steps into view just as Izzy starts saying “Doesn’t matter whether I’m-”, then is startled by Ed’s sudden appearance and shuts up quicker than a rock falls. Ed curses at himself, because it sounded like Izzy was about to say something really fucking important.

 “Don’t mind me, just our for a stroll. The knee, you know”, he says feebly.

Izzy stares at him petrified, while Lucius has a much more calculating look on his face. Ed doesn’t like that look. It has a plan.

Lucius turns his back to Ed, facing Izzy, so he can’t see the expression, but his voice is calm as he says in an even tone: “Clearly what you’re doing now isn’t working. High time to try something new.” Another calculating glance at Ed, who has been rooted in place, then a smirk. “You know where to find me.” And then he leans into Izzy again, and whispers something into his ear that makes Izzy bloom crimson all the way to his neck where the weathered gauze suddenly hides it, and scream expletives at Lucius until he’s disappeared under deck.

 “Wow. What was that all about?” Ed asks, trying for amused, but the heavy knot in his stomach doesn’t make it easy. Izzy is a complicated and contradictory guy - often, the more he curses and acts like he hates something, the more he actually likes it. In the old days, the more aroused he was, the more he would deny it, and they rarely got to bed without a physical fight. A severe case of the lady protesting too much.

The thought floats in Ed’s head in circles. The butterflies in his stomach are flapping up a storm, and it’s more than the uneasiness of being around Lucius, more than the fear of Izzy hiding things from him again. It’s something closer to when Bellamy -

No, it can’t be that. He stopped feeling that way about Izzy a long time ago. And Ed has Stede now. It's nothing like that!

 “He’s being a fucking asshole is what that was all about!” Izzy huffs, but it’s more embarrassed than angry, and the feeling doesn’t like that, even though it has no business butting into Izzy’s personal life anymore.

Izzy takes a deep breath through his nose. Hides his face in his hands, makes a shuddering sigh. After a moment his hands wander down to his neck, and he’s still blushing. Something Ed hasn’t seen in at least fifteen years, and his stomach turns.

 “Thought you were friends these days.”

 “He’s become insufferable since he sketched me”, Izzy grumbles, shaking his head, looking to the side, his lips in a tense line, and Ed freezes.

Izzy let himself be sketched by Lucius? He’s let himself be - just how fucking close have they become since - Izzy has posed for Lucius, for a sketch, have they -

Ever since Izzy came back to life, Ed had been worried that he was developing feelings for Stede. But the whole time he’d been mistaken? Missed the threat hanging out in the periphery, forgotten the most obvious candidate right beside Izzy, who already has half the crew wrapped around his finger, whose shirts Izzy’s been wearing for weeks? What is he going to do with Izzy? What is the point of him getting just one more bedmate, having someone who used to hate him, taking someone else’s lover -

Wait, was this how Izzy felt when Stede entered the picture? Did he feel the same all-encompassing rage and desire to strangle the fucking asshole who waltzed in to steal his man? It had been a decade since Ed could rightly call Izzy his lover, and yet it felt completely natural in his head? And the thought of losing him to someone else filled him with such jealousy his chest felt like it would implode.

Izzy’s actions suddenly make so much more sense. Ed is already happy with someone new, and yet he’s ready to go stab the scribe and have him keelhauled until he “accidentally” dies.

And he’s even more furious at Izzy. Who is he to follow someone else around like a puppy, wagging his tail at a new man, barking on someone else’s command without Ed’s permission? He’s Ed’s dog, his to do with as he pleases or doesn’t, his to either keep or put down.

 “You want to fuck him, Iz?” Ed asks, tone too dangerous, too possessive. He hears Izzy's breathing quicken, sees his pupils dilating, his body shivering.

 “What kind of question-”

 “What did he whisper to you, before he left?” Ed demands as his hand approaches Izzy's throat, searching for its familiar place. Not to hurt, just to remind them both of their roles. And when Izzy hesitates, the hand wraps around, squeezes a little. Feels like it's back home.

 “What did he say?”

 “He said I’ll let you call me daddy”, Izzy whimpers.

So that’s how it is. Izzy’s looking for a new master, because his old one has thrown him out. Ed only has himself to blame. Because he never owned Izzy but kept acting like he did, stole him from the one man who would have kept him for all his life, and then didn’t let him go once he’d had his fun. And now they’re stuck in this co-dependent mess where they aren’t friends or lovers or anything because Ed has found a new lover but won’t let Izzy do the same, isn’t ready for Izzy to move on, isn’t ready to face the fact that Izzy isn’t happy with him anymore.

He has no business butting into Izzy's personal life. Hasn't had the right in years, and yet it felt so right at the moment. Was it only because Izzy is as good as property in his mind? And once he owns something it's his forever? No matter how anyone else feels, least of all the property itself?

He pries his hand off Izzy’s throat, disgusted with himself. When did he stop seeing Izzy as a real human, with human emotions? He knows he used to, back when they were both happy, when they were young, back on The Ranger.  When did Iz turn into a discarded toy he only wants back when someone else wants to play with it?

 “Iz.”

 “Yes, captain?” and the words stab him right in the heart. Here he is, proving how he doesn’t deserve Izzy’s reverence, and yet that’s exactly what he’s getting. By strangling him for having an interest in someone new a fucking decade after Ed abandoned him.

 “You can go to him, if you want. I don’t - I don’t own you, you know. I just got jealous, you were mine for so long -”

 “You’re jealous?” Izzy interrupts, amazed, and Ed realizes he’s only dug himself deeper, so he leans into his new persona who wants to apologize for things, which Izzy hates. He needs to push Izzy away.

“Yeah, I know it’s shitty of me, the way I kept sleeping around after we got together and when we haven’t been like that for a long time but I can’t help it. If - if I’m stealing you from him, like I stole you from Bellamy -”

 “I chose to be yours”, Izzy interrupts again, firmly this time, and his eyes still  full of admiration, showing how badly Ed has fucked up with him, again. It’s like every word and action he takes with Izzy is the wrong one. He’s so fucking shit at handling Izzy, and Izzy is also shit at reading Ed, how are they ever supposed to make things right? “I kept belonging to you because I wanted to. I still belong to you. No one else has touched me", Izzy pleads, falling just short of groveling at Ed's feet. Maybe his statement still holds true, but clearly he’s dipping his toes into being touched by Lucius . "Having other people is your prerogative, I was happy as long as I got to be your wife.”

 “Which means you’ve been unhappy for a long time, Iz”, Ed says, and Izzy seems surprised by that, somehow. Because he hadn’t realized it himself? Because he didn’t think Ed would comment on it? Because he thought Ed wouldn’t care? “Let me make things right”, Ed begs. “Iz. I want you to be happy again, and - I’m not the one who can do that anymore.”

 “Don’t send me away.”

 “I wont. But you need to find a new reason to live. We both need to become new people.”

 “We’re too fucking old for that.”

 “We’re not.” Ed says this with conviction, as a pure fact, because he knows it’s true. Ed began his own transformation when he met Stede, and has kept it going knowingly, purposefully. And Iz is teetering on the edge of his own transformation, though he’s much less aware of it. “We will change”, Ed continues, and he feels the fire in his eyes, and Iz sees the flames. He has that look of speechless adoration Ed used to love on him. “And it will be for good.”

For now, Iz will have no doubts. For now, he will believe any word that comes out of Ed’s mouth. As Ed walks away, he knows Iz will be watching him, and he also knows the look - worship, trust, devotion. He will look like that for a several minutes before coming back down to Earth - Jack and Bellamy have told him as much, with wildly differing opinions on it.

When Ed says I will change to Stede, he doesn’t look like that. He’s pleased, but doesn’t see Ed as his god, just a fellow human, with a human body and human emotions and human ambitions. And being seen like this feels so much better.

He wants that for Izzy.

In the morning Ed steels his resolve. He needs to talk  to Lucius. Tell him he has Ed’s support in courting Iz. So Iz will know he has options. That he deserves more than scraps from Ed’s table.

No, Ed has given him even less than scraps, he realizes - not even the bare fucking minimum to keep Izzy content. Not even empty promises of treats, just plain not giving him anything. He spent his days avoiding Izzy’s eye, planning how to talk to him with the least amount of words, trying his best to forget Izzy’s existence as long as he stayed in line. Nothing but the stick, not a single carrot for years.

He has to let Izzy move on. Has to let him know he has options. A large part of him still wants to put a knife through Lucius’ palm for daring to even think about laying a hand on his Izzy, but it’s fast becoming smaller than the part that wants to become a better man. Perhaps soon he’ll stop feeling possessive over his past lover. Best friend. First mate.

He can’t be Blackbeard anymore. Doesn’t want to be Blackbeard. He doesn’t want to look at Izzy and only see property. Izzy doesn’t understand - that’s the problem, he doesn’t understand his own good. He might want to go back to the days when Ed owned him, might believe the only thing he’s good for is serving Ed, might fight tooth and nail against being freed, but Ed won’t let him suffer like that anymore -Izzy deserves better. And he'll see that once he’s let go of Ed.

Even if this isn’t the day he feels comfortable imagining Izzy in the arms of someone else, it will be the day he starts working towards that. He will talk to Lucius - give them his blessing, even if he doesn’t quite mean it yet.

So he seeks Lucius out - nervously, feeling faintly sick, but he does find Lucius and doesn’t dodge his gaze. He’s alone in his and Pete’s cabin, scribbling something in a large notebook - his sketchbook? The one where Izzy is drawn? Ed hopes he at least got his own page, and not just a corner among five other dicks.

Ed feels irritation rising to match his nervousness.

 “Got a minute?” he asks, going for casual. No one is fooled. For one, because he doesn’t really look at Lucius these days, much less talk with him. That alone makes the whole conversation conspicuous as hell, and it’s only going to get more conspicuous from here.

Lucius gives a chilly nod. For a second, Ed wonders if he should sit down, but the only place is next to Lucius on the bunk and he doubts it would help things, so he stays at the doorway, attempting to lean casually on the wall, but he probably just looks constipated.

 “So I’ve seen you getting kinda chummy with Izzy, huh?” He tries, tries so hard not to sound jealous, but doesn’t manage. It was supposed to just be a casual statement, but it comes out like an accusation.

For such a bubbly person, Lucius sure can look cold when he wants.

 “Tends to happen with people who save your life.”

 “Right, yeah”, Ed acquiesces right away, because it does tend to happen with people who save your life... as well as those who nurse you back to health, but somehow he’s much less possessive and much more terrified when Stede is the threat. “Makes sense that would help. So, um - things going well, then? You’re friends now? He used to hate you.”

Lucius gives him a well-deserved suspicious look, and Ed can’t keep his cool. Not that he’s been keeping it all that well up to now, but, you know. At least he hadn’t been sweating bullets before that stare. Shifting his weight from one foot to the other, which his bad knee isn’t very appreciative of, he’s been pushing it too far these past few days.

 “Not that feelings can’t change, obviously”, Ed bumbles. “He seems to like you well enough these days.” Well enough to put up a loud enough show to wake the whole ship and show his dick to Lucius.

 “You had your chance. For decades, probably. Stop getting jealous just because he’s ready to move on.”

A flash of anger breaks through the guilt and shame, and Lucius must notice because grips his pen tighter and his legs tense up, ready to stand. Ed can’t blame him for that, even if Ed keeps proving he’s not Blackbeard anymore, that he won’t resort to violence in matters like these. That he’s atoning for his earlier actions, that he doesn’t want to be the person used to be, and that he doesn’t mean to resent people for not forgiving him.

 “I - I’m not jealous, I swear. Go after him if you want, I won’t stop you, I promise. But you know he’s a difficult person.”

Lucius clicks his tongue and scowls at Ed in a very Izzy-like way. Like he’s been getting lessons. Like they’ve spent a lot of time alone in a confined space while Ed was busy crying after Stede and abusing Izzy.

 “Thanks for reminding me, I totally forgot about all the times he bullied me.”

 “So why would you -”

 “Because he saved my life. And I realized he’s more complicated than he looks.”

Ed has to admit he’d been just as, if not more, surprised than Lucius himself that Izzy had saved him. In all the decades they’d spent together Izzy had always tried to make Ed take that final step instead of outsourcing it, and when he finally had personally tried to kill someone, Izzy goes and saves that person, claiming some bullshit about knowing Ed would regret it. He’d been right, of course, but he shouldn’t have thought that in the first place.

 "So are you done threatening me? Can we both keep going about our days now?"

 "I wasn't threatening you. I swear. If you want - and if Iz's up for it - I mean he probably is even if he thinks he isn't. Or wants you to think he isn't. He's weird like that. I'm sure you know."

 "Eh. I think he's mostly just repressed. Learned not to show his true self from a young age. Doesn't know how to do it anymore. Might have a side of him even you don't know about."

Ed doubts that. They've known each other for so long, since they were practically kids. Were real close for a while, too.

He wants to gloat about that. That he knows Izzy far more intimately than Lucius does. That he's learned all of Izzy's secrets, even the one they've never talked about, that sometimes just comes to the surface, and is now becoming relevant again after years of inactivity.

But this isn't supposed to be a competition. Besides, it's possible Lucius already knows about Missy Izzy - even if they aren't fucking yet, Iz has been naked in front of Lucius, and the only times Izzy has his dick out are when he's peeing or being Missy Izzy.

 "Whatever secret sides he shows you, don't draw attention to them. He hates feeling exposed."

Lucius looks at him like he's trying to figure out if Ed knows the same secret he does.

 "In any case, be prepared to wear the pants in the relationship. Iz's a follower, not a leader."

 "Mm. It gets annoying sometimes."

 "I know. Teach him how to be an equal."

Lucius makes some sort of noise, Ed doesn't stick around to ask of it's supposed to be affirmative or disbelieving - he feels naked and vulnerable under Lucius’ sharp eyes, and it’s best not to give him any more ammo than he already has.

By evening, Ed is feeling surprisingly okay. He has a little stroll on deck with Stede, they look at the stars for a while, Stede sweeps him off his feet with the most wonderful kiss, and then they go to bed. Settling in comfortably, Ed as the big spoon, Stede begins their usual late night conversation - often it's light-hearted topics of little importance, just cozy small talk until they fall asleep dreaming of each other.

 "I invited Izzy for another dinner", Stede mentions. Tonight's talk may be a bit more important than usual. "I can't tell if he agreed or not."

 "What did he say?"

 "Something along the lines of over my dead body”, Stede says with a surprisingly good impression of Izzy's sarcastic snarl. “But then he asked if he should dig out his finest silks and laces and prance into the cabin like a glittery spring lamb. I offered to borrow him some clothes if he liked but he spat on my shoes."

 "If he ever asks to lend anything fancy, it's 'cuz he's planning to break it. He hates that shit."

 "Has he always been like this?"

 "Pretty much. Used to be less hostile about it when we young. Tolerated it in small doses. Or on certain people."

 "Such as?"

Fucking hell. Did he really have to tell Stede about Bellamy, may he catch the plague. Ed didn't like it when bedtime talk turned serious, it always lead to uneasy sleep. And Sam fucking Bellamy makes him nauseous on the best of days.

 "Ugh. There was this guy Sam - before he met me. Real asshole, if you ask me. Fancypants always thought he was better than everyone else. But for some reason Iz liked him”, Ed grumbles reluctantly, because the night is already ruined and if they don't have this talk now, they'll be having it some other time, and it's never a good time to talk about fucking posh-ass Bellamy.

 "He mentioned a captain Sam once", Stede muses innocently, because he hadn’t lived through that fucking brownnose trying to steal his man.

 “Black Sam Bellamy”, Ed growls. “Do yourself a favor and never meet him.”

 “You sailed with Sam Bellamy?” Stede gasps in amazement and admiration, as if he himself hadn’t sailed with fucking Blackbeard which was infinitely more impressive. And because he hadn’t sat through all those fucking pretentious speeches with unnecessarily long words. And he hadn’t been macking on Stede's boyfriend.

 “For a while”, Ed groans. “We all served under Hornigold, me and Jack first, and later Izzy signed on with Bellamy.” May he die of cholera. “Never could figure out why Izzy thought he was hot shit. He was always so fucking pretentious, calls himself the prince of pirates these days, fucking asshole.”

 "Clearly Izzy thought you were - hotter... shit." Stede makes a face like he tasted the word as it came out.

 "I appreciate you trying but don't force yourself", Ed chuckles.

 "Are you sure I'm not too fancy?"

 "Nah, love, you're just right."

There's a moment of silence. Ed isn't sure if Stede wants to keep talking, or if he's trying to fall asleep. But now that Bellamy has been brought up, Ed feels restless, something is crawling under his skin.

 “I still don’t know if they were really together or just fucking”, Ed blurts out, and he doesn't know why he's lying. Maybe he's trying convince himself that he doesn't know they were serious enough for Bellamy to give Iz a ring, and for Iz to carry it with him for over two decades. Izzy will expose him if Stede ever asks. He’s just - feeling insecure, or something, now that Bellamy is present on both Iz's body and Stede's mind. This isn’t helping, by the way, it’s just making him more confused and guilty. Iz had been serious about Bellamy, until Ed stepped between that and ruined Izzy’s chance for a happy life for what amounted to a few years of passion, and then a lifetime of obsessive worship.

Though Ed’s sure no one would blame him for wanting Izzy. “Y'know, Iz was a real catch back then, just gorgeous. Think half the crew was after him at one point or another. I wanted him from the moment I first laid eyes on him”, Ed reminisces dreamily. Compact and sinewy and filled with spitfire attitude, like he had something to prove and he did prove it, time and again, showed he was a sailor through and through and a pirate even more than that. His skill with a sword had made Ed swoon even back then, and he’d only gotten better with time. “And he was fucking funny, when he cracked a joke the whole ship would shake with laughter!”

Stede gives him a disbelieving look. That’s understandable, current Izzy isn’t much of a jokester. Missy Izzy a bit more so, but barely noticeably.

 “So for a while he was seeing us both. It’s torture, you know. Only having a part of someone, like that. Was just about ready to start planning Bellamy’s murder, that final year, but then the mutiny happened, and Izzy came to his senses. Dumped Bellamy and became my first mate. You can imagine how pissed he was!” Ed laughed. It had been glorious. Bellamy losing his shit on deck when not only did Ed refuse him a position in the crew, but also stole his beau!

 "You should tell me more about your adventures from back then", Stede says, hand idly caressing Ed's side. It's tickling a bit.

 "Sometime, sure. Or you could ask Iz."

 "Would he tell me, do you think? I'm not sure we're close enough yet."

 "He will if I'm there, too", Ed says. He can picture the three of them getting cozy on the sofa, or in front of the fireplace, maybe with a bit of wine, Stede looking star-struck as Iz recounts tales about their reckless -

Ed is startled out of his reverie by the lack of jealousy in the image. Gets his head back on straight. "He's got his sore spots, though. Might be best not to ask about those."

 "Such as Sam Bellamy?"

 "Yeah", Ed mutters darkly. Is Sam fucking Bellamy gonna be a regular thing from now on? It's only been twenty five years, it's way too fucking soon to be talking about him this often.

 "...Do you suppose Izzy felt the same about me as you felt about Bellamy?" Stede asks quietly, self-conscious.

Having other people is your prerogative.

Ed stays quiet.

 "Dear?"

 "Bellamy's a sore spot for me, too."

Stede makes an apologetic noise and stops talking.

Having other people is your prerogative - in other words, I was fine with you fucking other people as long as I was your main squeeze.

Iz hadn't raised a stink about Jack. Because there had been no danger of Jack becoming the main squeeze instead of Iz. No one else, in all their years, had come nowhere near to toppling Iz off his throne, even after they stopped being intimate. For ten years, despite their strained relationship, Iz could feel confident about being the most important person in Ed's life.

Of course he had hated Stede.

The next two weeks are a steady stream of nails in Ed’s coffin. It seems like every day Izzy looks at Stede softer than the last, every day Stede is allowed a little closer, every day Izzy comes closer to smiling at Stede in the ways he used to smile at Ed and Bellamy. If you met them now, you never could’ve guessed they used to be at each other’s throats only months ago.

Ed knows the time is coming - even if Stede doesn't act any different with Ed, the shift is clear in how he treats Iz. Clear as day in his looks, his words, his smiles. Especially in his touches.

And then it happens. On a Thursday, when everyone is celebrating Wee John’s birthday, rum loosening everyone’s limbs and tongues, the night making some raucous and others mellow.

Izzy is one of the latter. He rarely drinks - it makes him absent-minded, calmer, nicer, makes him ruin his hard-ass image.

He only drinks rarely. So when he does, he gets drunk easily.

And when he got drunk, he would always come to Ed. He’d look relaxed, stumble his way over and then cuddle up next to him, like the cat who got the cream. He’d only ever allow himself to be like that with Ed. He’d only ever want intimacy from Ed. He’d only ever let himself be soft in Ed’s arms.

But because Iz - because he needs someone to worship, if there is no one worthy, then he’ll decide someone is worthy. He’ll pour all his efforts and attention on that person alone, will seek their approval and closeness, gives his love solely for that person, and if... and if that person decidedly rejects that worship, if they push against it with all their strength, and finally break free from their role as Izzy’s personal god, then he’ll choose a new god. And then it’ll be that other man he sinks down next to, that man whose shoulder who he will lay his head on, instead of yours.

And that will hurt worse than anything he ever did on purpose to hurt you.

Ed doesn't miss the way Stede smiles at Iz, notices him wrapping an arm around Iz's shoulder, sees them become lost in each other's touch.

Stede whispers something in Iz's ear, Iz nods tiredly, and Ed knows - this is the time. The moment has come. When life's constants break. The Sun will rise, Izzy will idolize you. The much more recent constant of Stede will love you. He’ll have self-doubts, he’ll panic about something meaningless, but in the end he will come back to you.

Until he sees how you’ve treated your supposed best friend and drive him to suicide. Then he will nurse that friend back to health and love him instead of you.

No one notices Ed excusing himself and slinking to the bed he soon won't be sharing with Stede. Draws all the blankets around himself tight as he can. Stops trying to hold in the tears.

For the first time ever, he wonders if this is how Bellamy felt when Ed waltzed into the picture - as Iz started spending more time with Ed, started looking more and more up to him, started neglecting Bellamy more and more. Did Bellamy also struggle between wanting to hold on and not wanting to cage Iz? Had he also truly loved Iz, in the same way Ed truly loves Stede? Loved enough to risk his life trying to win Izzy back, loves enough to let Stede make his own decision. If Bellamy, the fucking self-important ass-licker, also wailed alone wrapped up in the scent of the person he had just lost.

He hears the door creak quietly, and knows Stede has come in. He spares a thought to gathering himself, but it’s not something he wants to do right now, so he doesn’t. Something Izzy used to get on his case about.

Stede isn’t like that. Izzy can rest easy, knowing the things that need doing will be done.

There’s a soft touch to his back through theblankets, and an even softer “Dearest?” from Stede’s mouth. It only makes Ed cry harder.

He sits up, still cocooned in his blankets, only face visible, and even that just barely.

 “We should talk about Izzy.” Because he can’t take this anymore, he needs closure. He promises himself he’ll accept whatever answer Stede gives, won’t begrudge him for anything he decides to do.

The caught look in Stede's eyes tell Ed everything he needs to know.

 “I couldn’t help falling for him”, Stede says warily, but even then a small smile rises to his lips, and he looks so beautiful. It's the look of someone unable to contain their happiness, giddy about sharing their joy. “He’s much more complicated than I expected. At first I just wanted to help him, and it grew from there. I’m sorry for not telling you sooner, but I wasn’t planning to do anything about it. He’s still hung up on you.”

And Stede kisses him. Gently. Affectionately. Playfully. And earnestly. In the exact same ways he’s always kissed Ed. Not at all like he’s letting Ed go.

It's kind of him to keep pretending, to let Ed lie to himself that he still has time, that his bliss with Stede doesn't have to end yet. It's that gentle heart of his at play again - readying him for a softer blow, preparing him for a slower goodbye, thinking Ed hasn't been seeing this coming for weeks.

As tempted as Ed is to fall for the lie, he doesn’t want to keep pretending, doesn’t want his heartache prolonged in false hopes, doesn’t want Stede settling for second best and habits when he has found someone more interesting.

 “Ed, dear, what is it?”

 “You should tell him”, Ed sobs, wiping the snot from his face, because he wants to change, doesn’t want to keep being possessive and hurtful, doesn’t want to steal anyone away anymore. “I won’t stand in your way. I’ll leave if you want me to.”

Stede grabs his arm in a panic, like Ed is about to walk out on him. “Heavens, no, why would I want you to leave?" he asks in genuine distress, and Ed draws him to a soft embrace to calm his nerves. He strokes Stede's back calmingly, his own tears near forgotten from the sudden turning of the tables.

Stede answers his caresses in kind, and continues to speak in a soft, dreamy voice, like he can't believe his luck. "Izzy is free to want whoever he wants, I’m not hurt by it. I understand him completely - you’re an incredible man, Ed, how could he not want you? How could I not want you?” There is nothing but honesty in his voice.

 “But you - you’re in love with Izzy now”, Ed says against Stede's shoulder, confused, overjoyed, but not understanding even a little bit. Still, he believes every single word.

 “A little bit, I suppose”, Stede says with a small chuckle. “And very much in love with you. I don’t expect that to change at any time.”

 “So you’re - you’re in love with both of us?”

Stede leans backwards out of Ed's embrace, only to take his hands and smile excitedly, cheeks dusting with a blush, like he’s thrilled to finally share a good secret,  and nods.

Is... is that allowed?

Oh. In some cases it is - there’s an example right under his nose. Lucius has most of the crew in his circle, one way or another, and none of them seem to mind.

But it’s also Lucius. He must be a special case. Even if Ed finds himself quickly warming up to the idea of having both Stede and Izzy, and more importantly to Stede having both Ed and Izzy, he's not really... sure. And - and Stede is a gentleman, surely he wouldn’t... But even he has feelings, nothing you can do about those.

Unfortunately.

 "You... you want to be with both of us?"

Stede blushes further, and his smile is so delighted. He’s shivering with emotion, so happy to finally speak about this, to reveal his feelings.

 “I would, very much, I’d like that. Would you like that?”

 "It's a bit of an unorthodox arrangement."

 "We're pirates, what's orthodox about us?"

God damn, if Stede isn't making all sorts of sense there. Ed's face flushes, imagining all sorts of scenarios. All three of them together. Sharing not only a table. And not just the sex stuff - Stede taking care of Izzy, looking at him with fondness, touching him casually - in retrospect, now that Ed imagines it doesn't have to mean being left behind... It warms him, excites him.

 "You’d be good for him. You've been good for him”, Ed encourages.

 “Thank you. I hope he thinks the same”, Stede smiles fondly, but then he turns more worried. “I’m really not sure he’d go for it, though. He’s very devoted.” Then he gets that self-conscious look on his face again, the one he makes when he’s about to put himself down. ”And I’m hardly his type, besides. I’m sure it’d make him uncomfortable to ask.”

 “Really seems to me like you’re very much his type”, Ed reassures him, gently lifting his chin to look him in the eye. “You’ve met him - you know Izzy doesn’t bother hiding his dislikes. But he keeps talking to you. He taught you knots. He leaned his head on your shoulder tonight.”

The worry and shame in Stede’s face melts into fondness again. “You are absolutely right, dear. But I just don’t know if he likes me enough to - break his vows, so to speak. He’s made it very clear he chooses one person and sticks to his choice no matter what. And he’s rather proud of it.”

Eh, if his experimenting with Lucius is anything to go by, Iz is already swallowing his pride on that front.

 “The heart wants what it wants, right? He’ll have a hard time resisting if we’re all fine with it. Or more than fine.”

Stede thinks thunderously, desperately wanting to confess his feelings, but worried about getting his heart trampled. They both know Izzy wouldn’t be nice about rejecting Stede, even if they’re getting along well these days. It’s just part of Izzy’s personality - making sure every blow hits the worst it possibly can, sometimes at his own expense.

 “All this uncertainty is tearing me apart “, Stede mourns, sinking back to Ed's arms for comfort. “Why can’t he make the first move like you?”

Ed kisses the top of his head. He’s sure Stede actually knows the answer, but sometimes it’s okay to state the obvious. “Because he’s even more terrified of rejection than you. You would ease his mind.”

 “You truly think so?”

 “Trust me. I’m kind of an expert on Izzy.” (youre really not tho)

Stede draws a deep breath, then clasps his hands together in a determined gesture, a shaky smile rising to his lips, still concerned about how it will go.  “Alright. I’ll do it.”

Ed kisses him. “Go get him, tiger.”

“Tomorrow. But I promise I’ll do it. I just need to - rehearse.”

Ed chuckles at his completely unnecessary fretting. “I can be your practice partner. Hit me with your best shots, Romeo.”

[bruhstories]

Vogel und Jäger

- PART THREE

Summary: You had your first show at Zeke's club, but things begin to complicate. Pairing: Zeke Jeager x Fem!Reader Warnings & Content: language, Floch is a creep Word Count: 1.6k

A/N: as always, make sure to read parts one and two to understand just what the hell is happening. the songs reader is singing in this chapter are flickers and easy by son lux, which i've linked down below if you wanna listen to it as you read

For five long days you switched between training with Mikasa and practising with the band. The deadly assassin made you work hard, teaching you various techniques of martial arts, as well as how to load and unload guns, how to aim, how to use knives and even how to use crossbows. You were no match to anyone else in the family, getting your ass kicked even by Armin, the bookkeeper, but you were not going to give up. Your will to survive fuelled you. What you weren’t expecting in those five days was to get to know Mikasa and Armin, and realise that they were just as normal as you were — with the added benefit of being properly trained in marksmanship and combat. And they were surprisingly nice to you, but there was a hint of reluctance in their actions and words.

Friday night you had your first show and you found yourself in the backstage, a knot in your throat as you did your makeup. The idea of Yelena blowing your brains out was a lot more pleasant than having to perform in front of so many people. Posters had been put up all over Paradis City announcing your first show at Wings Club, and you knew lots of undercover policemen would be there, perhaps even undercover Marleyans. But for some odd reason, you wanted to please Zeke, make him proud of sparing your pathetic life. Onyankopon told you to be ready in five minutes, and your heart sank, wiping your sweaty palms on the crimson dress.

"You'll do fine." He told you, but you had a bad feeling. There were guards everywhere, so you felt somewhat safe, but stage fright settled in your heart, and you couldn't even reply anything back. All you did was remain stuck in a trance.

The band was ready, the microphone was on, and you waited for the curtain to rise. Someone announced your performance, and the violinist began playing the notes of the first song as the spectators waited eagerly. There were no original songs, only jazz covers, and you felt every single pair of irises burning into your skin. You closed your eyes, imagining no one was there but you and the band, everyone else disappeared.

"And with my opened mouth I join the singing light..."

There was no turning back now. You'd done it. The spotlight was on you and you alone. Soon the pianist joined, and you felt a bit more confident.

"I can see the flickers, over me the lantern raised... Lift me up, lift me over it. Show me what you're hiding, take me out into the sea... Lift me up, lift me over it."

Somewhere upstairs, Zeke was watching over you, door wide open to hear your beautiful voice hypnotising every man and woman in the club. Indeed, he made the right choice.

"And with my opened mouth I join the singing light..."

You were in a trance. Nothing mattered anymore but the music, the vibrations, the thrill of the show. It was giving you a sense of importance and belonging, and in that moment, you knew it — you were thriving off of the attention, the way no one dared to move while you sang. You captivated the spectators with your voice, you captivated Zeke with your voice.

"I can see the flickers, over me the lantern raised... Lift me up, lift me over it. Show me what you're hiding, take me out into the sea... Lift me up, lift me over it."

You finally opened your eyes, drinking in the way everyone was silent, the only sound resonating being the final notes from the musical instruments. The next songs came so much easier to you, some were more upbeat and you stopped being stiff, your hands moving up and down the microphone pole, hips swaying, head tilting. You ended your performance with another emotional song, and even you had goosebumps on your skin as you began to sing.

"Easy... easy... pull out your heart to make the being alone easy. Easy... pull out your heart to make the being alone easy. Easy..."

You saw them, the two cops from the files. They were watching you like hawks, sending chills down your spine. But you were a distraction, so you looked them in the eye, a smile on your plump lips.

"Easy, easy... You break the bridle to make losing control easy, easy... Crushed what you're holding so you can say letting go is easy, easy..."

The song was coming to an end. You wrapped your arms around yourself to emphasise the emotions you were so gently transmitting, voice echoing in the club.

"Oh, easy, easy... Burn all your things to make the fight to forget easy, oh, easy... Burn all your things to make the fight to forget easy, easy..."

You weren't just transmitting an emotion, you were feeling it, too. The song resonated with your life, your struggles, your issues. You were alone most of your life, save for Historia and the children. But now... now you had someone, albeit being forced to work for the mafia. But you weren't alone anymore.

"Easy... easy... pull out your heart to make the being alone easy. Easy... pull out your heart to make the being alone easy. Easy..."

You bowed in front of the crowd as a round of applause replaced your voice and music. It was exhilarating, the adrenaline not wanting to leave your body. You mumbled a soft thank you in the microphone before leaving the stage, tripping on the last step. Onyankopon was waiting for you with a large bouquet of peonies and daffodils, your eyes widening at the beautiful flowers and sweet scent.

"This is for you, miss." He smiled, but his smile was hiding something and you couldn't pinpoint exactly what it was.

"Thank you, but you didn't have to!"

"Oh, it's not from me." Onyankopon pursed his lips. There it was. You looked at the card attached to the bouquet — You are as radiating as the sun, but as cold as the moon. E.S. The message was written in perfectly neat calligraphy.

"E.S.? Any idea who that might be?" You tucked the card between the flowers as you walked with the mobster in the dressing room.

"I know exactly who that is." He sighed, eyes narrowing at the bouquet. "Inspector Erwin Smith, chief of police. He handed me the flowers personally."

"Isn't he working for you?" You removed the heavy earrings from your earlobes.

"He is. It appears he likes you." Onyankopon folded his arms across his chest and a man with strawberry-blond hair entered the room, earning disgusted looks from all the half-naked girls there.

"Boss wants to see you." He sneered at you, goosebumps dotting your arms.

"We'll be upstairs soon, Floch."

"No, not you. Just birdie. Chop chop." Floch left the room and you got up. Onyankopon grabbed your wrist, stopping you in your tracks before giving you a concerned gaze.

"Be careful around him. He's... strange."

"I'll keep my guard up." You tried to smile. There were lots of things you didn't know about the men you were working with, so you made a mental note to ask Sasha and Connie about Floch.

"So, I hear you're a prostitute." He bluntly stated, and you flinched at his words. The audacity of this bitch!

"Was." You corrected him. "Besides, it's none of your business."

Your shoulder blades met with a wall and you let out a whimper at the impact. Floch eyed you up and down, his hands holding you in place.

"Everything you do is my business." He sneered, his face leaning closer inch by inch, closing the gap between you. "Ah, you even smell like a whore."

You feel disgusted by that creep, the way he sniffed you twisting your lips into a frown. Onyankopon was right to warn you, and so you slap his face, hard.

"Don't touch me again." You lifted your gown above your ankles and walked up the stairs, with Floch behind you. Fucking pervert.

"Ah, little bird, you've been fantastic!" Zeke greeted you, cigarette between his fingers. "I heard you even received flowers."

"Yes, from Erwin Smith." You nod, eyes on Floch's shit-eating grin.

"Good. I want you to meet with him after your show tomorrow." Your boss smiled and your eyes drifted to the healing wound in your left hand. You knew you caouldn't say no. "I suspect he'll want to recruit you as a double agent."

"Do I accept?"

"Of course, but you'll be telling him exactly what I tell you."

"Understood."

"You may go. Don't forget to take your pay from Armin."

"Yes, sir." You gently bowed your head in respect and left. Floch whispered whoreas you passed him and you gritted your teeth.

"Say, Connie, can I ask you something?" You watched your roommate unbox some bottles of fancy liquor.

"Sure! What's on your mind?" He asked, focused on his task.

"What can you tell me about Floch?"

Connie almost dropped the bottle, his eyes finding yours. "Just that you should stay away from him."

Sasha walked in with what you assumed to be a bag full of drugs and that's when it clicked — they were going to put the drugs in the boxes and ship them. Clever.

"Floch is insane." The brown-eyed girl scrunched her nose. "He's obsessed with Eren and thinks Zeke should step down and let his brother take his place. Why? Did he do anything to you?"

"Yes and no." You proceeded to explain what happened back at the club to your roommates and the look of disgust on their faces only confirmed what you assumed.

So far, you decided to only trust Sasha, Connie and Onyankopon, and hope that Zeke wouldn't give up his title. Otherwise, you'd end up dead in a ditch, and the one who’d put a bullet between your eyes was Floch himself.

tagging @mxhi

[mytastessuck]

Gorillaz: Humanz

SHere it is, the comeback tour! I was so excited for this album, I sucked all the singles that came out before I could download the album. This album basically reminded me of the reasons I love Gorillaz. All of them. One particular reason a little too well...

Okay, let's get the elephant out of the room. This album is a bit controversial among the community for playing a little too hard to one of Gorillaz' strengths: showcasing cool artists. There are more than a few tracks where Damon doesn't even show up. Hell, my favorite track doesn't even have it on him. Me, I honestly don't care about that as long as I get to hear good music but for the rest of you die hard Gorillaz fans? Just think of this as a compilation album like NOW That's What I Call Alternative/Indie Hip-Hop/R&B/Electronica/Pop.

See? Rolls off the tongue. Now let's get started.

1. Intro: I Switched My Robot Off

Nice. Real ominous. Gorillaz really know how to build up a presentation. Feels like you're walking through the doors of the doors to the Shrine of the Silver Monkey. Anybody remember Legends of the Hidden Temple? Were there doors on that stage? Anyway, awesome.

10/10

2. Ascension

Holy hell, Vince really knocks it out of the park on this one. Different beat, nice flow, social commentary...He was not fucking around on this track. Damon's barely on the track but Vince makes up for it with his existential rhymes and chorus back-up. Man, Gorillaz has gotta take advantage of gospel more often.

9/10

3. Strobelite

That didn't take long, did it? Anyway, this is my favorite song on the album. Peven has an incredible voice, the music psychically compels you to dance and...that's it. Sometimes, well usually with me, you just need to go with Simple Yet Awesome. Have a good voice and a good beat. This song has both and I'm pretty sure that one day, a scientist will hear this song and will be inspired by it to cure diabetes.

100/10

4. Saturn Barz

Ah, the lead single from the album. Remember the 360 house, everyone? Yeah, you remember. Glad to have Gorillaz welcome back Reggae into their line-up with Popcaan manning the helms. He and Damon tag-team the eardrums with the power of dread as the instrumentation makes you feel like you're in a haunted house. Welcome back, guys.

25/10

5. Momentz

WELCOME BACK, GUYS! De La Soul returns to say some real shit about time and how you should, respect and stuff. Seriously, awesome track. Kicks so much ass and you can even dance to it as you wonder if this MOMENT will be one of the last times when you feel really happy. Nice...

9/10

6. Interlude: The Non-Conformist Oath

Hey, Steve Martin! I like to imagine a bunch of assholes listening to this and...just not getting it. Not us though. We get it. We're smart. Smarter than those guys...

10/10

7. Submission

This song had to grow on me but years after I got the album and after I learned to appreciate Danny Brown a little more like all humans should, this song became one of my favorites off the album. Don't worry Kelela, he doesn't carry the whole song. Her voice is so beautiful that it can calm a charging rhino or a coked-up Connor McGregor. These make the song a lot classier than it had any right being.

90/10

8. Charger

She's beauty, she's Grace...she's also Jones. Man, I haven't heard from this woman since Corporate Cannibal and she has clearly been keeping up practice. God, how can a woman's laughter both scare and arouse me? Damon's no slouch on this track either, singing about the monster that keeps us all tethered: the charger. I kid, I kid. Hey, did Damon really get a boner on stage when he sung this or are you guys messing with me? Message me if you know.

9/10

9. Interlude: Elevator Going Up

On a recent trip, I tried to go up the elevator but it was card-activated so a desk lady had to help me. That's it.

8/10

10. Andromeda

Damon has to do the heavy lifting here and his muscles have not completely wasted away from lack of use. He tells us to take in our heart and you know what? I did. I took this song directly in my heart...and my playlist.

50/10

11. Busted And Blue

Yeah, this song is a bummer. A good bummer. It's Broken's younger brother who joined the army to make his parents proud after he couldn't get into university like his older brother who managed to form a separate family with his squad and began to think that maybe he was good enough after all before his squad gets bombed and, as he lies legless dying painfully on the ground, a blue butterfly land directly on his outstretched busted hand...

Directed by Mervyn LeRoy

10/10

12. Interlude: Talk Radio

You ever wonder how we get voices in machines? I know you think it's a complicated process but I know a dude who picked up the radio in his electric fan once. Think about it.

8/10

13. Carnival

Again, this song had to grow on me but one day, while I was thinking about Gamzee for a godforsaken reason, I thought "Geez, he talks about the Dark Carnival and the Dark Carnival isn't even some of ICP's best days. What's a good song about a carnival?" Anyway, Anthony can spin a person's mind and mind around just by singing. He's wild.

80/10

14. Let Me Out

Hey, wouldn't it be funny if Mavis was Vince's mother? She's not but that would be funny as well as cool. Her and Pusha T bang on the walls of this track as they rant about the politics at the time of this song. Yeah, they're talking about Trump. That car horn can't protect you forever, you orange bastard.

9/10

15. Interlude: Penthouse

Dear Penthouse: Hi. Does anyone check in on you, just you? I'm here to say I think you're important and you provide a necessary outlet for men to brag about being perverts. At least before the Youtube comment section existed.

Thanks for everything,

mytastessuck

8/10

16. Sex Murder Party

Ooooo, this track puts me in a funky mood. Like, there's a part but there's sex there...and MURDER. So you know it's an awesome party. Kick-ass, right? I know it's kick-ass. Keep dancing, people.

11/10

17. She's My Collar

Pretty sexy song. Gotta love people vauging about being used in a song. That's why we love Offspring, that's why we love Damon on his knees onstage. Hey, there was a post that said Noodle wrote this song about her girlfriend. That was an excellent post. Well done.

9/10

18. Interlude: The Elephant

I SAID GET OUT OF HERE, YOU BASTARD!

8/10

19. Hallelujah Money

Ah, the technical first single. Remember when they said that they weren't going to put this song on the album? Anyway, this is exactly the song we needed after The Incident occurred. Benjamin manages to calm down an entire populace while Damon just fearfully wonders what our future will be like...and he's in the UK. This song is one long terrifying lullaby to an entire country...until the end, anyway.

75/10

20. We Got The Power

A great way to remind listeners that no matter what's happening, no matter who's in charge, we have the power change everything. An excellent message for people who were still recovering from The Incident.

10/10

21. Interlude: New World

Okay, the bonus tracks. Should be nothing special here, right? Just some B-sides and I've never shown favoritism towards B-sides, right?

8/10

22. The Apprentice

A nice song from the same Rag n' Bone Man who brought us "Human". Zebra manages to lay down some nice rhymes as Ray BLK backs them both up with the force of her voice. These guys should form a team with how well they work together. Oh, they should make a virtual band! All they need to do is find an artist...

9/10

23. Halfway To The Halfway House

A very nice song if a bit overshadowed by the others on the album. Still, Peven can't be beat when it comes to crooning and he raises a song from a solid C to a B.

8/10

24. Out of Body

This song had to grow on me also but when it did...lord, this song is weird. Hypnotic suggestions, telephone tones, the song starts then Zebra jumps in to help then who is this person?! Why are people applauding?! Who are you people?! Why are there so many crows gathering outside my house?!

60/10

25. Ticker Tape

Well well well, look who's back. Damon returns with his old friend Kali to join the accuser of the vain Carly Simon to beg us to stay on the album. Sorry Damon, but I got places to do and people to go. There's nothing you can do to convince me to stick around after how long this album already is.

9/10

26. Circle of Friendz

Huh. Seems like a riot is going on. Weird for Gorillaz to get this real. What, this guy is just going to keep saying Circle of Friendz again and again? Is this supposed to affect me? Get real. It'll take a lot more than a nice voice and implications to...

To...

...

...Maybe I should listen to the album again.

11/10

Album score: 25/10

Damn, that took a while. Shouldn't be the case next week when we cover The Now Now. See you then!

[elizabethrobertajones]

Why do you think Dean never prayed to Cas when he was in lockup? I mean, I get that he couldn't possibly tell Cas where he was held, but he still could have prayed, I mean Cas was worried sick.

Since it’s late on Thursday night already a week after this aired, I feel like I’ve seen every possible version of this discussion on my dash. My very boring answer which I gave after reblogging some character-based stuff was just that this is where they wanted Cas (worried sick) and so Dean didn’t, and it’s up to us to interpret why but to me the episode was MORE about Cas and Mary and in general what happens in the Winchester’s absence, and so it was definitely working backwards from there. Sam and Dean got a little action sequence at the end and literally in the last 5 minutes any emotional stuff, because with a delayed reveal on the deal they were not really emotional POV characters UNTIL the bridge, therefore the episode was not ABOUT them so much as what else happens in their orbit when they’re not around. Even the guys holding them down there got way more personality and interesting character writing than the Winchesters did in prison…

And this is NOT a criticism, because I am assuming you don’t write an episode where your 2 main characters aren’t “really” characters in it until the last 5 minutes unless you’re doing it deliberately and want to explore something else. Which in this case included Cas being miserable about Dean being gone, which therefore meant Dean could not be in contact with him giving him any hope or something to swing at, because that wouldn’t get Cas to where he needed to be. And would have not removed Dean (or Sam if he prayed) from the story properly either, to maximise on a Winchester-free Supernatural episode. Or as far as you can go to pull that off within the constraints of needing to have their faces in the episode on and off throughout. Same formula as 6x04 or 6x20: keep them around but they only really get involved in one emotional moment at the end aside from general standing around having a face in between :P

I also think that it’s not plotholes or deliberate laziness or stupidity to leave gaps like this all the time if they can be explained, although I feel like fandom as the part of the audience that spends a lot of time thinking about the show and gets really complicated about their questions and expectations, can end up feeling like we’ve been short-changed or the show isn’t thinking hard enough about something we crowd-sourced an answer for weeks ago… We often move immediately to much heavier or deeper territory and come with pre-loaded expectations that make everything seem to fall short… 

(Can you tell I have read a lot of negativity this week about an episode I thought was great fun and actually proclaimed 3/4th of the way through that I was pissed off with Dabb for not giving me any plotholes to bitch about for once? :P People were @ ing me expecting me to have issues with the car continuity but I hadn’t noticed any and when I re-watched I realised that Mary saying “I drive fast” before the driving had explained everything I needed to know to completely keep my immersion in the story so it hadn’t even occurred to me to question it because I thought the story had pandered to my need to know these silly details? No one gave any numbers and who knows what the maths is on driving from the Bunker to Colorado via Mary and stopping to chat to the BMoL that would give us a total drive time for Cas but that one sentence just *magic wand ding* made it all go away :P To me this was Dabb’s most solid episode ever in terms of writing, except perhaps 8x08 which I think lands a perfect score on all fronts when normally sloppiness like that lets him down (loses points for Billie though…))

Anyway, sorry, slightly ranty because it’s late and I’m tired and in pain and this really has not been bothering me at all, which makes my response to the fact people ARE disgruntled unfortunately disproportionate, because basic maths about gruntlement proportions. :P 

The very obvious practicalities that you mentioned give a basic emotional surface text version that I think honestly does adequately cover it about as obviously as “they showed Dean shaving to explain why his hair was the same length when he came out as when he went in” - that is, if you take away any character dynamics and look at it like, Dean could tell Cas where they are if he knew where they were, but when he phones Cas he says he has no idea where they are ergo he’s had no reason to contact him, then you have what passes for a very very boring answer that might not satisfy US but tbh I suspect for anyone NOT overly invested in this relationship would be the sort of answer they get to if they wondered and be satisfied with it.

 I feel like I’ve read a lot (or in my head it has stretched out in fever dream ways to feel like a lot) of rambling over the last week about all the praying and why Dean wouldn’t, and the history of their prayers, their entire relationship since like, season 4, and so on and so on to try and make a coherent story arc to explain why Dean has stopped praying to Cas and I think they’re all great even if I’m now pretty hazy on them (see above: fever dream). I think my favourite slant of the argument (but not the only or main interpretation, just one I like that I’m picking on here :P) is just Dean’s self-worth, that he wouldn’t feel like he deserves to pray any more (and this is tracked back to when he last prayed and pointing at the Mark of Cain arc in the middle). Cas’s trauma in 11x06 was clearly linked to damage going back to Dean beating him up in 10x22, and once the Mark of Cain stuff was all thankfully over, Dean also felt like complete shit about it. Cas is still suffering from an ongoing arc of the same trauma from the start of season 11; why not assume Dean is following after him still feeling like shit about that? It severs their connection they had back in, like, season 8 when things were last somewhat resembling factory settings for them, at least on the surface. The window between Cas getting grace back and Dean getting the Mark is like, 2 episodes if you push it, and we have one “I came as soon as you called” of ambiguous suggestion if Dean phoned or prayed, and after that there are literally no more opportunities.

I am feeling like with at least Cas’s side of stuff clearly back on the table now hopefully to be addressed, that at least by the end of the season Dean and Cas might work some stuff out so perhaps in the long run he’ll start again or the way they relate to each other and how Dean used to treat Cas with Faith as in literal religious faith, and now what it is instead, will get discussed… or not. But something will presumably happen pushing this in one direction or another, and I’m still thinking worse before better >.>

Honestly at the moment I’m starting to feel like if it seems weird that Dean isn’t praying to Cas, maybe it’s something we ought to be noticing and not something the show is just forgetting to do out of neglect. Though we don’t have any proof they’re not idiots, it seems really easy these days for chunks of fandom to immediately decide that they are, and that they’re writing Cas badly by making him weak and unable to deal with vampires instead of exploring why they’d show Cas doing that. Or people asking other questions like it in an accusing way instead of a curious way, because accusing doesn’t get us anywhere and doesn’t really seem to be looking for an answer… I’m working on the assumption that the show can fuck up (… Billie… or like, Lucifer’s baby. Or Buckleming still writing in general :P) but not that they’re in a constant state of fucking up, and that not everything that happens IS a fuck up…

I am still enjoying watching a lot of episodes that other people really hate so idk :P I recognise that a lot of people are too disappointed or hurt or attached to a character to do this, but back at the end of season 10 I took a huge step back and decided that I still loved the most part of this show, and went and rewatched it to find the stuff I did love, and I’ve felt annoyingly well-balanced about it ever since.

It also helps I don’t watch live, and every time something kinda weird happens I pause the show and think for as long as I need about what just happened before I continue watching instead of leaping to conclusions or to get my ducks in a row before dealing with scenes. And I have the luxury of rewinding to check dialogue, and not watching a shitty stream so I get the whole episode first time, so things that get blown out of proportion in the immediate aftermath of the episode are like 99% wanky things I don’t get involved with :P 

… And yeah I know none of this is answering your question but it is explaining why I’m answering your question like this >.> Sorry. I’m wildly over-emotionally invested in everything but for anything that isn’t a fairly objective reason to be wanky (like… Billie :P) I’d rather give the show a big old benefit of the doubt about killing reapers or Dean not praying… or even Dabb’s freakin’ car continuity :P Your tone sounded complain-y about this to me (or at least like it was bothering you) so rather than just answer with one of multiple random interpretations that explain it from a character POV that would only either smooth over 1 plothole or leave you unconvinced and still grumpy if you didn’t really like the character interpretation (and answering on that level unless you hit on a real nugget of a thought generally does not really seem that convincing on a bigger scale to make it OKAY that people were upset about this), I thought I’d get a bit meta and explain why I am not grumpy >.> Possibly still not convince anyone but the simple answer just seems so pointless when people are upset about bigger problems.