#and it was ME bc my irl took the controller when i wanted 2 give up and he did it perfectly fine LIKE WHYAREOTBWIE

[luvring]

played little big planet for the first time in like 8 years today and i was just as bad if not even worse. never in my life have i failed to jump so many times in one video game sitting like...

[yesloulou]

i cannot stop thinking about your gorgeous art for so close, we combust! i'm wondering if you can give us a little director's cut about it? like how you chose the images, anything that you want to share? it makes me want to launch myself into space and eat the moon like cheese.

em im so honored by this ask and i too want to eat the moon like cheese bc it sounds like a very fun activity ❤️‍🔥

soo basically the first pic was my inspo bc it was just so so SCWC (so close, we combust by @officialmood) coded. it had an imbalance to it. for starters we can only see max looking like he was about to explode from fondness while daniel had his back turned and we can't see his face. and like. everything was straightforward for max. the genuine affection for daniel came so easily to him. it was so transparent. but since they were hugging daniel had no idea max's face looked like that when he hugged him. and based on what we know about cool cocky nonchalant RB daniel, one is likely to assume daniel wasn't equally affected by it – and i think they would be right. that hug was at daniel's last race with red bull. there were walls of ppl lining up to congratulate him and send him off. and max was at the end of this line. by the time daniel got to him the impact of it would've been softened by all those that came before. it was like. daniel was saying goodbye to the whole team in one sitting and max was only saying goodbye to daniel. all the imbalances here really remind me of the first part SCWC, where daniel was aware of everything, yet more or less took it for granted, so used to being on the receiving end of max's attention and affection. SCWC daniel "didn’t know at the time that this would be the kind of memory he would turn over and over, trying to cut himself against the sharp part", canon daniel likely also underestimated how rare and precious it was to have the whole team (and max) adore and support him like that.

and it was all about to change. the hug (2nd gif) after AD 21 was a whole other dynamic. it was a much more reserved hug. there were so much complicated emotions that went into it: before daniel went up to max in parc ferme, he had just witnessed max overtake lewis during the final laps of the most dramatic recent f1 season to take his first world title. and since daniel had been lapped by both max and lewis, he literally had to watch it all unfold right in front of him, first hand. and now max, his old teammate, the reason he had to leave his team, the one he on some level saw as a younger sibling, the one ppl said he ran away from, was a world champion before him when that exact wdc dream had slipped further and further away from daniel, who in fact had just had the most bizarre season in his whole f1 career.

it was just a lot of complicated emotions for daniel at that point. i think it must've taken effort for him to feel happy for max at all, let along going up to him and congratulating him right then and there. but daniel did it anyway. and it was a painfully hasty hug imo esp compared to how it went with lando and carlos. it was even a lil awkward bc you can tell max had both of his arms up but daniel didn't plan on going in with a full hug. but still, he wanted to congratulate max and he did.

it wasn't a fun moment to recall as a daniel girlie but it also has such a nice echo with the second part of SCWC. they were hugging/hanging out like all those times they hugged/hung out before. but everything had changed. max looked like a whole different person now (both in scwc and irl in the gif set), and he became comfortable being in control. and for daniel, this time he was the one with all those emotions going into it. neither scwc pt. 2 daniel (in max's apartment) or 2021 canon daniel (in parc ferme) was all that comfortable, but they were both there anyway, looking for a shred of reality that vaguely resembles what he and max used to be, holding on to the hope that a part of them survived despite everything.

anyways, basically as soon as i had the first pic as inspo i decided that i wanted the second pic to also be one of their hugs but with a completely different dynamic, just like in pt1 and pt2 of scwc they were doing the same things (hanging out) completely differently. and then i just thought of that second hug. and with hugging being the subject there is also the sense of like, the closer they came, the more the reality sank in, that max had won before him, that all their conflicts had come to a boiling point, that the deal had been sealed. it's just like what the title says, came so close we combust.

idk if im making sense with everything here but hopefully this has been a fun read :) ty for this ask em and again ty liza for blessing us with SCWC!!!

[isa-ghost]

About how much time a day, or a week do you spend on writing your fic?

Cause I've been reading fics for years, but haven't started writing until relatively recently. I always knew in the back of my head that it took time to write and come up with the stories, but until recently I hadn't even begun to actually understand the time and energy it actually takes to write a fic. both short and long ones.

Now that I've started to think more about it, it would probably benefit fandom spaces a lot to more widely aknowledge the time it takes. It could probably help with the consumeconsumeconsume mindset of fancreations that I know that I've had, and that are present in a lot of fandoms, especially bigger ones

100% that last part, yeah.

See, for me it's even more complicated because not only am I squeezing writing between irl obligations like class, homework, work, family dinner, sleep, etc.

But I also have ADHD, so I'm battling my attention span and the temptations of my hyperfixations, as well as keeping up with my friends, fandom spaces, etc. I don't want to neglect any of those.

But focus is very difficult when I don't have absolutely nothing going on, which means I often need to shut everything completely out (which can take a lot of self control). I'll vanish on my friends and social media for hours, but still pause here and there to catch up on what I've missed for a short while before returning to writing because I HATE falling deep out of the loop and having a lot to catch up on is overwhelming. On top of that, how easily words are flowing and such also impacts how much or how long I write.

So I don't know if I have a simple or precise answer as to how long. But nonetheless, it's HOURS.

So far, for the 4 chapters that are published, I've sat down multiple days in a row OR every other day if I have time-consuming irl obligations, and written as much as I could before something depleted my motivation or I reached a good stopping point. Lately that's amounted to 1-5 paragraphs depending on the scene I'm at.

If it's something my plot plan has left more open-ended, it can take hours for me to work out how exactly I want to get to the next plot point. The Ch 3 Pissa date and stretching out the Ch 4 Eggza day was MISERABLE /lh because it was super open-ended since I wanted to give myself room to improvise, I don't like rigidly over-planning things bc a lot of the fun in writing is filling blanks between points. I get some AWESOME ideas in the moment thar aren't initially planned in my plot. For example, the foreshadowing I included in the Ch 2 nightmare where he hears Missa scream? If you check my post of my plan after I published the chapter, I pulled that out of my ass. It was originally just supposed to be a nightmare where he could hear Fit, Etoiles & Missa yelling to each other. I never planned for him to hear what's implied to be Missa injured.

But even though improvising is important (and required at some points of AMFMN), it's kinda hard to sit down and think of what to do with those parts when your hyperfixation streamer streams 3 days a week and on the days he doesn't, you have class + other things to do + other streams you refuse to miss + friends + etc etc etc and therefore you don't have a perfect distraction-free time to just go ham.

It takes a lot of self-discipline and control to not engage with stuff so I can focus on writing. And even still, depending on how cooperative my brain is that day, that can still be hours of writing.

Generally I try to chip away at least 3 paragraphs or get from one plot point to the next per day until the chapter is finished.

So TLDR; I spend hours a day, which totals to even more hours a week, working on a chapter.

It's equal parts because I get in the zone with writing and smash out a huge amount of the plot points planned for the chapter, OR I'm struggling with flow/attention span/a bunch of other things.

Due to my schedule, Tuesdays, Saturdays and Sundays are usually the best days for me to write. But even still, I have class Tuesday until close to noon, possibly other streams (curse you Sneeg and Fit /lh), work every other Saturday, family daily routine things like dinner, and the occasional plans with irl friends.

So uh. I do be battling the horrors sometimes to get chapters out. But now that Phil is finally possessed, I have a feeling I'll be breezing through things easier. I know a lot of what's happening next and I'm a whore for the drama. :3c

You have NO IDEA how much watching people scream and lose their minds over crumbs and currently published chapters motivates me. I'm so fucking excited for late game fic. Like Chapter 9 onwards. Ohohohough

[princessofxianle]

I’m the anon that asked you all the questions about your FX backstory AU, and I have another question!

1. How did Shen Liang die?

2. In one of your previous posts, you implied that SL and FX meet again when SL’s a ghost, and it seems like she torments FX whenever they cross paths. What made Shen Liang care about Feng Xin?

3. How did Shen Liang feel when Feng Xin ascended? Was there even the tiniest bit of pride at having her didi become a God?

4. Does Feng Xin ever get angry about how badly his sister treated him? And does he ever tell Shen Liang the extent as to how badly she hurt him emotionally?

5. In one of your posts, Hua Cheng introduces Feng Xin to his mother. Why would he do that?

6. If Xie Lian ever found out about Feng Xin’s childhood, would he be angry with Shen Liang on FX’s behalf?

Omg its one of my fav anons HI FRIEND, I’m sorry this took over a mOnth, I’ve been trying to stay sane irl but still wanted to get you quality answers bc your questions always get me GOING and help me answer some things even I still dont know

for reference:

| more asks | meet the OC's (FX's family) | #fx backstory au

*alex from the future here I WROTE A LOT AGAIN IM SORRY ...it will happen again*

Spoilers for my AU under the cut, obvi, I’m gonna pretend like yall are my writing group (but w/o any manuscript… you know what I mean lolol) WARNING im still planning some bits so some things are still up in the air until I find a good plot reason to nail them down:

1. How did Shen Liang die?

Good question! Honestly? I don’t know exactly. That’s something I was gonna leave until the day I decide to write her death (or simply reference it, since I hate having to UNFORTUNATELY remind myself that this AU is about Feng Xin not Shen Liang… my girl is stealing the show I swear lol)

What I DO know is that our good ol friend, Jun Wu, has a hand in killing her 😊 She has an ability to manipulate souls which JW deems could be used as a cure for human face disease. Can’t have that in our kingdom-ending pandemic, can we? So she’s just in his way to ruin our fav crown prince’s life. JW does give her a chance to help him with her said soul ability, but even if Shen Liang hates her brother, she’s not a murderer. No part of her soul will ever be that. She’s not about to help doom her kingdom. (2nd MORE ANGSTY option is JW *already*has the intent to use her ability for bad, so to protect her kingdom, she kills herself to stop him)

2. In one of your previous posts, you implied that SL and FX meet again when SL’s a ghost, and it seems like she torments FX whenever they cross paths. What made Shen Liang care about Feng Xin?

They actually meet twice! But I haven’t talked abt the 2nd time yet 😊

In regard to the 1st time, I’m not sure if you’re asking “why does SL care about FX at all?” or “why does ghost!SL take the time to care about FX?” so Ill answer both!

Spoiler: SL has always cared about FX, even before he was born (bear with me, she’s still awful to him BUT THERES REASONS) That fact doesn’t change after he’s born either. What *does* change is the state of her soul due to her inability to control her own soul manipulation ability bc of a traumatic event (the loss of her mother). Shen Liang’s soul never actually stops loving FX, but the half that *contains* that love, isn’t always present in her body. I’ll have to do more explanation on her ability later. It’s a lot.

Now, why does ghost!SL care? Well, she’s gone a little mad, as a ghost formed from a murder. She goes by the name Orange Snow Stitching Souls. And in her twisted logic, she has an ability to “help” people by fragmenting out parts of their soul and stitching the pieces back together as a means to “forget the things that pain them.” Essentially she goes around as a ghost observing people’s lives and if person A hurts person B, she makes person A forget about person B by cutting the memory out of their soul.

In this case, FX and ghost!SL meet shortly after FX leaves Xie Lian, so SL wants to force FX to forget about XL. She knows XL as the prince, AND she knows that FX was close with him. So “why not?” Feng Xin of course does not want this and resists. This conflict is LARGE. Plot standing AND in terms of fighting. It’s a huge turning point for them both in different ways.

3. How did Shen Liang feel when Feng Xin ascended? Was there even the tiniest bit of pride at having her didi become a God?

Another banger of a question. Since Feng Xin ascends after Shen Liang has become a low-ish level ghost, her reactions are… without nuance. But in short, yeah I’d like to think there was some pride there, yes. And during the 2nd time they meet, absolutely. She is incredibly proud. <- a full and healed soul will do that to a girl 😊

4. Does Feng Xin ever get angry about how badly his sister treated him? And does he ever tell Shen Liang the extent as to how badly she hurt him emotionally?

Tricky question. Short answer to the first part? Yes. He’s actually incredibly angry at her once he learns that’s *not* how siblings, or ANYONE should be treated. This reaction is incredibly delayed tho. Not until after their 2nd meeting does he fully understand. And yes, he’s angry at her, and also grieving the jiejie she could’ve been for him. He’s not sure if not having a sister altogether would’ve been better or worse. And yes, he does tell her during their first meeting as ghost and human. A lot of things he’s been holding back are let loose during that time. He’s just lost Xie Lian, his whole purpose, Shen Liang then makes things impossibly worse.

5. In one of your posts, Hua Cheng introduces Feng Xin to his mother. Why would he do that?

Another great question! And I say this because this time *I don’t fucking know* lolol

This is one plot points I need to somehow make happen. General idea is neither of them know who the other is exactly, but they meet as a god and ghost both in disguise in a village. All they know is they are two of the FEW that have fond memories of their fav god, the Crown Prince of Xianle who pleased the gods and, in a perfect world, would like to see him (ascend) again.

The other half is that Hua Cheng (pre tonglu era btw) has been accompanied by a ghost flame he found and cared for because 1. She reminds him of his own mother and 2. He reminds her of her son. AND they share lineage from the same foreign kingdom.

HC is smart. FXs story of a lost mother, and Shen Wangxi’s story of dying in childbirth and never seeing her son grow up, fit together… so he makes a metaphorical bet on it. And obviously, he wins. This is also when FX gets to KEEP HIS MOM WITH HIM for the next large chunk of time (yay!!!) until he runs into his jiejie for the 2nd time. (im still working on a concrete timeline for this but its at least 100 years)

6. If Xie Lian ever found out about Feng Xin’s childhood, would he be angry with Shen Liang on FX’s behalf?

To a point, yes I think he would. I think he would also be a little angry that FX never really told him about his family when he was serving as a bodyguard. FX still assures him it was improper. In post-extras canon times, they do talk about this explicitly. It’s one of those “this conversation should have happened ages ago but neither of us knew how to bring it up” type things. Unfortunately for Feng Xin, this information is forced out of (in this case its actually “into”) him due to the death of one particular memory-eating monster in the amnesia extra (does anyone see where im sorta going with this? …ehe…)

Thanks for these! Getting to your 2nd ask soon!

'til next time *salutes*

[peppermintbuttlemon]

i gotta add to the discourse bc you keep taking the literal thoughts from my brain and i love it (same soho anon from yesterday getting my unmoderated goss fix in since ive gone off the grid online - so this is long)

i literally only like him bc i think he’s cute imma be so real w you. (he is mid i know my friends dog on my terrible taste all the time and he fits my tragic pattern) i saw him in game of thrones in 2019 and was like hello and wanted to slide into his dms but was not possible bc no ig (that we knew of lol) and it became a whole joke with my friends that my celeb crush was some rando who was in game of thrones for 3 mins and then when he was in ST it just became a whole bit. when he did a con by me it was a literal 2 minute walk from my house so my friend and i went just for the plot and he was actually nice when i took my photo. idk it also might have just been early so he maybe had pep in his step but i was going to leave and he stopped me mid walk and said “thanks for coming” (obvi the standard to be polite) and i literally just said “ok” bc i was hungover and that dystopian ass JC Penny portraits curtain cubicle was disorienting me LMAO. i will never ever go to one of those things ever again. then like an hour later saw his big head active on raya.

re: weirdo fans

i have literally talked about this on other goss blogs bc it rubbed me SO WEIRD and everyone dogged on me for saying it/it was mentioned/denied in some twt thread but one of the weird fans mentioned before was hanging out with a girl that literally jogged after someone on his team and was like “what i don’t get a hug???” like you’re so bizarre but okay. they can deny it all they want but i literally watched it sitting on that musty ass convention center floor. y’all ain’t gonna gaslight me w that!!! i literally could give you a police sketch description of them if i had to💀

i feel bad for ppl that had bad experiences when they pay for it (and i know he made BANDS on those cons. like a ridiculous amount) bc clearly it means more to them than it did for me but in regards to like in public or on the street meeting him and being upset - yall gotta realize that ppl don’t you shit just bc of what they do for a living. i’d be too embarrassed to go up to someone and be like “yeo love your work” while they’re just trying to get from point a to point b or eat dinner

re the reminder that he’s just a south london dude:

there is a type!!!! they all act the same as someone who’s dated 3 of them (i have no self control and clearly do not learn from my own horror stories) they have the same attitude, ego, mindset, etc. and i have come to the conclusion that if i actually knew him irl id probably hate him or try to argue with him for fun because of it. i live to humble men and at the end of the day he is just a man!!!! a man who is basically a glorified theatre kid when you think about it

re: https://www.tumblr.com/peppermintbuttlemon/741588680956952576/httpswwwtumblrcompeppermintbuttlemon74157782

can say i do not recall what he smells like but my friend always says he looks damp so we do call him a name about it (i don’t wanna add just in case someone on twitter recognizes that it’s me lmao)

DAMP 💀💀💀😂😂 oh my god I love it!!

So what’s the south London guy thing? What are the symptoms of this disease? 😂

[rainbowsky]

More on the Fan Fic issue

I have a few more asks about the issue raised the other day, some of which are long and go into detail on the 'wars' that have been happening on Twitter and AO3.

Sorry for grouping these but I wanted to put it all under a cut because these are long, and also in case people don't want to dig into these issues (which would be understandable).

Anonymous 1 asked:

"I am very strongly of the opinion that the BJYX term is still a fandom umbrella term" I agree. Mainly because Bjyx is the most popular. Many antis always say bjyx, and have no idea the others. So sometimes it's easier just to say bjyx instead of explaining all three. I myself more like "who cares as long as they happy." So I enjoy Yizhan in all contexts. Many bxgs I know also like that, mostly ibxgs. I think deep down all bxgs (no matter which position they prefer) just want Yizhan to be happy

Not sure we can be so certain about that last part, Anon (I think for a lot of people GG and DD are just characters in a smutty story they have in their heads), but I agree about the term being popular regardless of the type of fans people are.

From what I can see the BJYX term seems to be used 80-90% umbrella, 10-20% dynamic in both international and c-social media (for every 10 times you see the term used, only one or two of those usages - probably less - are referring to a dynamic). This is my totally unscientific estimation, but I think even 10-20% dynamic is being generous. The number of people who are fixated on a sexual dynamic aren't nearly as large as they'd like to believe.

Anonymous 2 asked:

about the promptfests - i’ve been on twitter since early 2020 and what i’ve noticed is that this influx bjyx-only promptfests started gaining speed once lots of rational voices started leaving the fandom recently either because a) new interests have caught their attention or b) the toxicity of the popular bxg circles on twitter have become too much to handle.

gdgdbaby was usually the organizer of dynamic-inclusive events, and she’s received lots, and lots, and lots of backlash by bxg, sometimes even by accounts with thousands followers, for using bjyx as a catch-all term. and as her interest in yizhan has since waned—hopefully for reasons unrelated to fandom toxicity—many of the people who were attracted to the welcoming environment she created distanced themselves as well.

zsww/lsfy fans have become an outnumbered circle who try their best to create exclusive events to avoid the “is bjyx a catch-all term” discourse, but never seem to gain as much traction as gdgdbaby (who has a sizeable following) or those who host bjyx-only events (who also have sizeable followings).

meanwhile the dynamic war has only become more and more hostile and bjyx is clearly the more populated group… ao3 is simply a battlegrounds, if i may dramatize the situation a little for the sake of humor, and the promptfests are a reaction to this irritating t/b discourse that has made bxg twitter completely inhospitable for me…and lots of other fans too.

(i’ve also noticed a huge reinforcement as of recently where ppl will call gg laopo, a milf, an omega, etc even outside of rpf (i.e. posting pictures of him at events and saying he looks pregnant or he’s going into heat) and it’s just… uncomfortable.)

(also please note i have a biased account of all of this drama bc many of my friends were harassed over it, and anyone who disagrees with my take may feel free to interject.)

I took the liberty of adding paragraph breaks because they are pretty important for some readers, particularly ND readers like me.

It's sad to hear how fucked up everything has become, but I'm not even remotely surprised. Toxicity leads to toxicity, and the whole idea of dividing up a RP fandom by sex position was misguided from the outset - no matter why it was done or how good the intentions might have been.

And yes, like I said, these people aren't just framing things this way for fan fic. This is how they talk about IRL GGDD.

I had written a lengthy essay here about homophobia in the fandom but deleted it all. Perhaps I'll post it separately at some later point. Suffice it to say that this stuff creates a climate that's often hostile for queer people. So much of it is deeply homophobic, whether people are aware of it or not.

It's really sad to hear about gdgdbaby being mistreated in any way. Anyone who steps up and sticks their neck out to help organize and coordinate activities that benefit a broader group of people should be celebrated and supported, not run out of town by an angry mob.

I've read some of her stories and even have one or two on my rec list. And here's someone who is not only writing good works, but also supporting others to write more good works. Such a shame.

Anonymous 3 asked:

Hello Mr. RBS! I think I can chime in a bit about the fanfic topic as I’ve watched this all unravel on twitter (where a majority of authors/readers are). I apologize if this gets long but it’s been something that’s also been on my mind.

I want to preface this by saying that I’m not a fan of the distinctions of dynamics as, like you said, the supposed line between real life and fanfic is long gone, so I’m not trying to be biased against one group over another.

Short answer to the question of, “is this retaliation?” : I do believe it is. (From here onwards I’ll be using bjyx as the dynamic term just for the ease of simplicity.) To understand why, I’ll have to explain with a bit of background info. On twitter, I’d say that there’s a quite large divide between bjyx and zsww/lsfy. That itself isn’t really a problem because people are free to like what they like and associate with whoever.

However there is a big problem where bjyx people are not just bjyx but also anti-zsww/lsfy. To the point where I’ve seen people say that they feel physically ill when they accidentally read zsww. I don’t think this type of behavior should exist in any dynamic bc in the end GGDD are real people with a real relationship behind this content and it’s just a gross fetishization at that point.

With all this happening, zsww/lsfy people have gotten more outspoken on how GG is often portrayed in those types of scenarios, mainly the over-feminization of him, bc it’s not just done in the context of fanfic but regular discussion of GGDD at this point. This tension between the dynamics kind of boiled over when the pregnant xz fest was announced, as you can take a guess at how that went over with zsww/lsfy people. lol.

But around that same time, another zsww/lsfy event was announced (I’m not sure if it’s the one anon was talking about) but the creator of the event suddenly got a ton of backlash for excluding bjyx, with the reasoning that bjyx is technically a part of lsfy. But the event was done to highlight zsww/lsfy (as all specific events are) bc the community and content for these dynamics are much less than bjyx.

Which is how we come back to the starting point of, is all this recent bjyx stuff retaliatory. I believe so bc the events (preg fest, dark event) are very specific prompts that target exactly what zsww/lsfy people have been outspoken against.

As to the point anon made about trying to drown out the tags, keep in mind that zsww/lsfy content is very minimal compared to bjyx and has only just recently started to gain more traction. I think most people would love to just peacefully exist in their own circles but I don’t see this problem between dynamics disappearing anytime soon.

Like I said with the above Anon, I've added paragraph breaks for ND readers.

What a mess.

I have absolutely nothing useful to say here about the fandom on AO3 and how it's managed by community members, but I do think it's unfortunate that people choose to be war-like rather than make space for diverse voices, and I think it's a real shame that some people have been essentially run out of the fandom because of this garbage.

Thanks for giving some context for how/why the major shift in tone of fan fic lately. I had no idea any of this was going on.

I urge people to work hard to give space for all voices and perspectives, and not just the ones they favor. I'd also urge people to reflect on how their thoughts, behavior and actions in the fandom might affect queer people in the fandom.

As always, we have no control over what other people do, say or think. All we have any control over is how we respond to what other people do, say or think. Hopefully we'll chose the path of peace and try to avoid fan wars or fights that only ruin the experience for everyone.

I guess one thing I'd ask any of the Anons who have written me about this issue - or anyone who has thoughts about it - is, what can we as readers/fans who care about diversity of voices and perspectives do to support that here and on AO3, without getting involved in any kind of war?

[syubub]

Yoongi birthday reading/energy check!!

It's sweet sweet tangerine bois birthday!!

I wanted to do a cute little energy check up to see what's up and ask some fun little questions!!

I'm excited so let's just do this shit!!

Disclaimer: this is for entertainment purposes and not to be taken as fact!!

---

I want to apologize for the absolute shit pictures but what's new lol

So, let's start with the platform. First thing I noticed was the blue was brighter but the platform was darker? It was like someone cranked up the contrast to 100. Ngl it looked pretty cool. Yoongis platform doesn't typically have a barrier like some of the others do so I just kinda walked in and did the whole, "happy birthday, I have questions" His energy seemed a lot more... vibrant? And playful I guess? It was really nice. Now. The actual connection was intresting because the cord was blue again and like, real thick. (I don't think my perceived thickness of the cord has and real correlation with how strong the connection is. It was just thicc) this time though, the cord was connected at the chest instead of the third eye. So i was like, ??? But my guide didn't give my any sort of helpful input (my guide likes to watch me suffer in my confusion. I'm sure of it)

Anyway, cord like that and then yoobi gave me a headbutt to connect at the third eye. Idk why he gotta be like that :( istg next time he's gonna flick my forehead or something.

I was like "cool cool cool. I want to do the reading now pls" and idk how to explain the energy other than sassy. You know? Blah blah blah I'm thinking, "I don't remember him being so cheeky but maybe I've been gone long enough for him to level up into his final sass monster form"

Anywho, this was intresting because after the little strings were connected and stuff, we plopped down on the floor. And it was like everything I was doing irl was being mimicked infront of yoons energy? So we were sitting facing eachother and I was putting the cards down between us?? Usually that doesn't happen but it was kinda fun!!

Moving right along. I first asked if there was anything he wanted to say or needed to get across and it was 11. Now, 11 has come up before and I'm still not to sure what it's in reference to? My best guess is possibly he's been seeing 11:11 or that it's 2? Idk let me know if you have any clues lol. Other stuff was just kinda banter and stuff.

So so so.

The reading. First thing I asked was how he was doing. And I shuffled his preticular way (when I ask a question I always ask for the energy to tell me how much to shuffle or when to stop. For yoongi it's always 2-2-2. So 2 bridge shuffles, 2 hand shuffles and then split the pile in 2. That's why I think 11 might be 2 to him?)

The cards we got are ace of swords rev, justice,the heirophant rev, the empress.

So based off this I was like okay. I want to pull clarity cards for the two rev cards to get a better picture so I pulled the emperor rev for ace or swords rev and strength rev and wheel of fortune rev for the heirophant rev.

Starting with the ace of swords rev, and the emperor reverse. It seems like yoongi has been re thinking his relationship to control in his life. That's he's possibly noticing any unhealthy needs to control his life and the situation around him. It could also refer to his judgment being clouded by a rigid approach.

With the justice card it makes me think that he's possibly considering a big choice in his life or that he's really doing some deconstructing of his own views. This second idea fits in well with him getting clarity on some possibly unhealthy control issues in his life.

Now. The heirophant rev, strength rev and wheel of fortune reverse. This was intresting to me bc they are all major arcana. The heirophant rev can really talk about no longer needing outside approval and making your own way in your own time bc you are your own teacher. Strength in rev I kinda read as self doubt and feeling down in this case. Like a lack of confidence in himself and his abilities. And the wheel of fortune in reverse I took to mean as his breaking cycles. All together these cards kinda paint a picture about wanting and trying to break a cycle of self doubt and self limiting beliefs and learning more about himself and why he think what he does about himself and searching through everything for truth. It's really good!! In short he's doing some nice soul searching and trusting himself to guide his own way through this self discovery!

The empress! This card seems to pop up for yoobi a lot and I think it really speaks to the abundance that surrounds him! Not just money but the abundance of creativity, love, friends ect.

Now now now. I asked him if there was anything that he wanted to tell us about himself or bts or what's happening in the near future. For that I got 2 of cups, king of wands and 3 of coins.

So the 2 of cups is partnership. Usually romantic. Could be pertaining to the may 13th thing that is ever present lol but I'll get to that later. With the 3 of coins talking about teamwork, this could definitely hint at collaborations coming up!! That's the vibe I get. No one crush my dreams. And for the king of wands it could be talking about taking the reigns on a new project and starting to get it done. Like a new opportunity. This could be a new bts project like starting a new campaign or new venture or maybe personal like the a mixtape or doing more songs for other groups ect.

I had to ask him how he was feeling about the grammys. I had to. Had to. The cards were ace of wands, 2 of wands and death reverse. When these came flying out I could help but smile. Yoongis energy was almost giddy too!

Witht he ace of wands

It's that spark of creativity and inspiration. It's that feeling when you get super excited over some new thing. I think this is the perfect example for feeling reinvigorated. The 2 of wands takes that spark from the ace and tries to funnel that excitement and newness into something directional. Using that burst of creativity to start planning for future progress!! Its so nice to see that! If they don't win (IF) you bet we're gonna get some bangers about a corrupt system. If (WHEN) they do win we'll get bangers about how thankful they are to have gotten where they are in spite of a corrupt system. I just want to hear an uncensored version of yoongi being like, "HOLY FUCKING SHIT, WE DID IT BITCHES. FUCK ALL YOU BASTARDS THAT SAID WE COULDN'T."

I can dream....

What a nice dream.

Now I asked if there was anything yoobi wanted to say to us as in advice or comfort or anything like that and I got, Clearing negativity, make time for self care, when I'm tuned into the energy of abundance I become abundant. when I'm in a state of appreciation im in vibrational alignment with my true love nature. The world rev, 2 of swords rev and that project, that person, that idea is waiting.

Awe. Take care of yourselves!! Make sure to take time to enjoy what you like and try not to let any negativity get in the way of you enjoying your days. The world rev to me seems to be talking about seeking closure on the things in your life that have been impacting you. Tie up those loose ends so you can move foward without triping over yourself and 2 of swords rev I think talks about information overload and being kinda indecisive bc of that. Take a sep back to evaluate the situation at hand because sometimes it's so close you can't see what you're looking for. Those of you who are studying and getting frustrated because you just can't seem to get it, try taking a step back and doing something to take care of yourself and come back to it so you can approach with a clearer mind. Try not to get stuck or paralyzed by choice but if you do get stuck, take some time to detach yourself from the situation and come back later!

A fair few people wanted an update on yoobis soulmate as well. If you need a refresher here's the run down. Yoongis soulmate is impossible for me to read, yoongi is a smug ass and I'm nosy and probably a little dumb.

Now that that's cleared up

I asked, "am I missing something?" (As to why I can't connect and why yoongi won't give me answers.)

I got queen of cups, magician and the high priestess. I read this as him being like, "yeah dude, you aren't woke enough"

YOONGI just give me answers pls. The high priestess is intuition and sacred knowledge, the magician is manifestation and the queen of cups is also intuition.

At this point I was like, okay you little shit, can you at least tell me how your soulmate is doing? Can you do that for me?

2 of cups, 2 of pentacles, 9 of wands and knight of wands. 2 of cups is partnership usually romantic, 2 of pentacles is priorities and managing them, 9 of wands persistence, knight of wands motivation for a new thing. His soulmate last time was in the process of going through some shit and figuring it out and it seems like now they've got a better clue of how to move foward and are currently heading towards good things/ important things in their life (possibly like working towards dream career or had an idea for a business the want to start or field they want to go in.)

I was thinking about the next question when this popped into my head, "if you know about your akashic book, do you know about your soulmates? Have you read it?" I used my pendulum. No movement at all. What so ever. "Are you listening to me?" Yes. "So answer my question please" No. "Do you like to watch me suffer?" Maybe. "Do you know the answer to the question" yes.

YOONGI WHY

This cheeky son of a bitch.

Now I was like, fuck it. Imma ask him the big boi question.

"Is your soulmate present when I do these readings?" Yes.

WHY THE FUCK CAN I NIT PICK UP ON IT???

I had to take a deep breath dude. Yoobi is testing my nerves.

"Are they hiding their energy?" No.

I was actually gonna combust. This makes no sense.

I asked yoongi if he would tell me what I'm not getting. Silence. So i ask my guide.

"lol ur dumb"

Watch me Google "how to fire your spirit guide"

Istg this feels like some dumb prank. Maybe I'm just genuinely oblivious to his soulmates energy or maybe I'm just doing something.

What do you want to bet that his soulmate is just hiding under the platform and I'm too stupid to notice or some dumb thing like that.

yoobi, sir, why must you do this?

I decided to continue.

"What message or thing have you learned from your soulmate recently that could be valuable to us?" I got healthy communication in relationships and deep replenishment.

Good to know you can have a nice communicative relationship with your soulmate bc I CAN'T.

I'm petty about it, sue me.

The message does stand though. Good communication and taking proper rest to replenish yourself.

Now I had to ask yoongi directly what he thought of may 13th.

I got the lovers, 7 of swords, the magician and judgement. The seven of swords was intresting and it makes me think there's some extra stuff at play here too. 7 of swords is about getting away with something and deceit. The clarifier was the magician.... this could mean a lot honestly. It could be that maybe yoongi will have his relationship exposed or possibly that maybe him and his soulmate meet but yoongi is disguised? Idk how that would work at all but I'm stumped. There's a lot of variations that this could be. The magician is about manifesting and having everything you need to create what you want. This could possibly mean that maybe he gets a sudden idea that's like, "oh I have to go here right now. Its super important" eventhough he has practice scheduled. So that would let down his team but he would be following his path and it might lead to him meeting his soulmate? Maybe vice versa? Idk let me know what you think??

With the judgement its about inner calling and kinda like the peak. Like shit has been leading up to this moment. With the lovers too it does seem like a union?

I asked him, "but like what's gonna happen on the 13th thought and I got the 10 of cups. Divine love, bliss, alignment, happy mushy gushy shit. This is why I'm so inclined to think that they'll meet on the 13th or things will get serious or their paths finally cross. The cards seem to heavily suggest that.

My dude. Yoongi is really sappy, pass it on.

For the last question I asked yoomgi if there was messages/ advice he had given to his soulmate that we might benefit from.

First step, open your third eye, open your heart, sign from heaven, open your arms to receiving.

A lot of opening lol.

It's good advice though learning to be open and receptive and taking that first step in tackling life or any situation.

Oki. Now for the disconnecting. It was not nearly as strange as it has been in the past. I was just like thanks dude. Again, happy birthday blah blah and I got up to leave. I noticed it looked like we were in sitting in one of those old plastic hoola hoops? Like the pink and yellow ones lol. As I was looking at and and like??? Off to the side the numbers 13, 28, 54. Obvi 54 isn't a date and then I the last yoongi check up there was book pages and I feel like 54 and 28 were the pages?? I'm not actually sure as I'm writing this so I'm gonna check.

Yep I checked. They are the page #s.

So that's intresting.

Other than that though I just kinda left and he was like, "bye" and that's all.

Not as cool as other yoongi adventures but equally as frustrating.

TLDR

Yoongis doing pretty okay and he's a cheeky little shit. My guide like to watch me suffer and yoobi is mushy gushy squishy.

Happy day of birth Syub!!

[papirouge]

Hi need some prayers right now . Been feeling pretty down lately. i believe i wont see myself get married in my lifetime. It's a nice dream but i wont EVER ever sacrifice my standards for it and will 1000% choose to volunteer, have plants, pets, and sponsor kids on my own than negotiate on them --- No porn whatsoever, No alcohol, i consider myself a Christian prolife feminist and need a man who is similar, I dont tolerate ANY abuse since I came from an abusive home. I am working towards my goal of being a Dr. An obgyn specifically so if God doesnt have plans for me to have a Godly husband and family, then maybe His plan for me is to help other women with welcoming theirs into this world? *ps your stalin shitpost did made me snort 😭 thank you for making me laugh! I really needed it💕

Queen I know you sent me this ask a while ago but just so you know I prayed for you the very same I read it for the first time💙💙

It took me some time to reply to you bc to be honest I could have written this ask myself and it hit close to home so hard it was hard to handle...

I TOTALLY ENTIRELY COMPLETELY feel you about having such standards you hardly think it's possible for you to meet anyone living up to them. But the worst thing is that....they aren't even that hard to meet when thinking about it. Not watching porn, being abusive or a drunkard is a bare minimum. I too came from a abusive home and there is no way I would ever tolerate an abusive or violent partner. That's the case of most women I know. Same for wanting someone having their life together and not being a slug watching Netflix/anime or gaming all day....

Since when "the bare minimum" has become "standards" in men when these standards are the norm for women? Probably because expectations have always been higher for women? When for men it was only being able to provide for a family and moderately well behaved. But now that gender roles got broken (for good and bad reasons - I won't elaborate on this post), it's become quite chaotic. We have manlet, but not men. I can feel my body physically ache whenever I see these men curved into their seat on public transport, bending over their tiny phone screen, watching these stupid Netflix shows or worse, silly anime when they are 2 or 3 times the age of the characters... Even on a symbolic level it tells a lot - you know a civilization is cursed once GROWN ADULTS start looking up children antics. That's why many men behave like children : collecting toys, dressing up, shoving themselves into escapism do deal with the responsabilities they have IRL, whiny, over emotional (which often translates through abusive behavior), slave to their fleshly pulsion (porn addiction).... Homo degeneratus. There's no way women can respect mess. Hence radical feminism.

And then we act shook at divorce rate. Girl, your husband is spending more time looking at a screen than using his hands & his brain, OF COURSE his brain is getting fried and is for no use when around the house!

Being focus on what you can controlled is indeed the best solution to overcome this dreadful feeling of missing out on your own life. Do a list of all the list you managed to achieved this year. I am sure there are many💙 Being married with a man won't suddenly make your life better. Maybe the reason God hasn't put the love of your life on your path yet is precisely because He doesn't want you to be distracted by this relationship for now? I'm telling you this but I also tell myself the same thing. Maybe if I did get married 2 or 3 years ago my life wouldn't be where it was supposed to be. Only God knows.... But I'm also praying for God to give me the strength to accept my fate of being a lifelong celibate if that's His will and to bring me fulfillment through a Life within in Him💙

PS/ I'm glad my hottie young Staline simp post made you laugh. Only true queens got it right!!👸♥️ we are united in the non judgemental appreciation of the the timeless baes of History, regardless of what jealous, hateful receding hairline dudebros have to say!!😤

[star-puff]

ღ a love letter, to me and to you.

truth be told, i said to myself that i wouldn’t get too sappy today. i was already doing a new years/milestone event, and i thought to myself, ‘this is good enough. at least i’m not doing nothing for the end of the year’ and i left it at that. that is, until now. i’ve already responded to a few mutuals that have mentioned me in their love letters, and it felt...a bit empty to just leave the year with half-hearted affirmations of the few. so here i am, not even 2 hours from when the ball drops, writing a love letter to me and to you (especially you).

to my followers:

where do i even start. there aren’t a lot of you, at least in comparison to other bigger blogs, but 400!! 400 of you saw my writing and made the conscious decision to join me in my shitposting adventure about 2D boys and the ocs that i somehow force into the role of ‘reader.’ i want to say thank you, but it seems a bit overdone at this point. because ‘thank you’ doesn’t even begin to express the gratitude i have for giving my writing a chance, for clicking on that ‘read more’ and unlocking a world i’ve created.

i’ve never been super confident about my writing, always questioning if what i’ve written, what i’ve bared my soul into creating was even good enough to be seen. frankly, i still have problems with that internal struggle, but having people say that they like it? that my writing made them feel emotions and took them some place other than where they were? i can’t even begin to describe how happy that made me, that i’ve done for others what others have done for me. if there’s anything i wanted to achieve with my creations, it’s making people feel. thank you for making it known that i’ve achieved that.

there wasn’t any obligation to read my stuff, to like it, to follow me, but you did anyway. hell, sometimes i wonder if i’m even deserving of it (but this isn’t the time for self-pity, so shush imposter syndrome! back away!!!!). but for doing all of the aforementioned i’m saying, due to my lack of words to express my emotions fully, thank you.

love,

meg <3

to my mutuals:

i! love all of you!! from the ones who i interact with regularly to the ones who are always sporadic, i love each and every one of you. thank you for being friends with me, thank you for allowing me the chance to be friends with you, i hope you know that if you’re my mutual i see your work & your vibes and i mean it when i say enjoy it and i want to see more.

(to the ones i haven’t seen for a while, i miss you a ton :( i hope you’re doing well, laughing the happiest laughs and eating the tastiest food and living your best life <3)

you’ve allowed me to feel a little less lonely during quarantine, talking to friends who are awake when i should be asleep, screaming about anime and manga that none of my irls are even remotely interested in, you’ve really provided me with a community where i feel comfortable sharing my opinions and thoughts, however random and weird they may be. i won’t be doing any direct letters, partially bc i think i’ve said all i need to say at one time or another, but when i say there are a few special, special people who are a part of my mutual circle, you know who you are. i love you so, so dearly, i hope you know how much you mean to me.

(if you don’t, i’m making a home in your inbox and nesting until you’re forced to call pest control to rid yourself of me. this is not a threat this is a promise >:( )

love,

meg <3

to me:

(to the me of last year)

hey you!! bitch!!!! who would have thought that you would’ve started a tumblr blog about writing fanfiction? when you couldn’t even go a month without writer’s block??? it’s wild, i know, but hey! life’s wild! go with the flow!

i want you to know that things get better :) you stop crying at random times at 2AM, you stop getting that random pang of loneliness when everything feels too far away from you, you stop feeling abandoned and like a dirty rag set in the sun to dry. you’ve made friends! you’ve become more social, you’ve formed a little circle of online friends, you’re a little stressed out because of college and senior year and a? global pandemic that your country doesn’t really take seriously?? and online classes but you can say that you’re happy now :) and sure, you miss some school friends, you miss going to class and talking to teachers but you made a very, very good new friend. someone you can tell pretty much everything to, someone who is on equal level as [redacted] and [redacted]. someone who has a rat dog that you’re not sure likes you or not but at least he follows you around sometimes and lets you pet him so maybe it’s okay! and even one of your online friends is someone you talk to almost every day, even though she ghosts you sometimes (if you see this, which you probably won’t...i l*ve you ok).

all i’m saying is, it gets better. you learn to love yourself and your creativity a little more than you do now. you get a funky lil mechanical keyboard to motivate you to write. you still have some issues you’re working out, but hey! this is only the meg of next year, not the meg of forever :)

be good to yourself, okay?

sincerely,

future you, 2020.

[the-evisceration-station]

What do you think book!addy’s feelings are towards beth? Even tho addy is the protagonist I still find her very hard to read. Which makes her interesting I guess Bc she’s very mysterious. I love and hate that a lot of the story is subtext haha

That’s a very interesting question and I’m sure everybody probably has a different answer for it, as Addy is such an ambiguous character and intentionally so, because she lies to readers as well as herself. Particularly book!Addy, who I do not believe is quite identical to TV!Addy, even if I do think the most important beats of her character remain the same. I’m going to answer this under the cut both because of potential spoilers and because this is probably going to get long.

In this essay, I will…

Well, I think much of the way Addy describes Beth is some of the way Addy genuinely sees her, rather than an entire farce. Beth being something almost goddess like, someone who knows all and always has some kind of agenda. I don’t think Addy’s actually lying to us when she describes viewing Beth in those ways, I think there is a major part of her that does see Beth as some kind of nearly divine entity.

I think she feels this way partially because Beth is something of a spooky kid, she’s violently protective of Addy to the point where “protective” crosses over into “possessive” territory. I also think Beth projects a powerful persona on purpose. Beth very carefully guards her vulnerabilities and she is, after all, Top Girl, the thing that Addy secretly wants to be. And that’s where I think Addy kind of confuses Beth with what Beth has, and what she thinks it means to have that. She thinks Beth is more powerful than she actually is, because Beth has the thing Addy wants and she believes she’d be more powerful herself, if she had it.

However, do I think Addy sometimes exaggerates about how powerful she sees Beth as?

Absolutely. Because Addy also reveals she knows Beth has vulnerabilities. She knows that laughing is Beth’s way of crying. She is fully aware of how detrimental and unhappy Beth’s home life is, another vulnerability. When she wants Beth to give her one more day before going to the cops, and asks her for it, she pleads, “for me,” because Addy knows that she, herself, is one of Beth’s weaknesses. So if Addy knows where the chinks in the armor are, chances are she doesn’t always see Beth as infallible as she acts like she does.

The fact that Addy knows she can get Beth to do what she wants with a “for me,” also implies that she’s aware that she’s the one who actually has more control in the relationship, which diminishes how godlike she constantly describes Beth as.

Look, I have seen some takes that describe the Addy/Beth relationship as “Addy has All The Power behind the scenes and Beth is just her pawn,” as well as “Beth has All The Power outright until Addy stands up for herself” and personally I don’t agree with either. I understand why people would come away with such interpretations, but I personally don’t think it’s either. I think Beth and Addy both have power in that relationship, and that there is push and pull between them. I actually feel that to insist one has all and one has none is to cheapen the complexity between them, the depths of the layers of this twisted relationship they’ve woven together like a tapestry.

However, I DO believe Addy has the lion’s share of the power. Not that Beth has none. I certainly think she has some, and she’s too aware of what Addy is like under the surface to ever be described as her pawn. But that I do feel that Addy has MOST of the power. Because Beth has more exploitable vulnerabilities in places Addy doesn’t. Because Beth will do anything for Addy, and Addy knows it, and Addy knows she can use it when she has to. Because when Beth goes too far, Addy can assert her quiet control and reel her back in line. Some of the other girls notice this much. They point it out more frequently in the show, but it’s book!Tacy who point-blank tells Addy that she’s more afraid of Addy than she is of Beth.

Hence, given that Addy has the lion’s share of the power, I think she has a tenancy to exaggerate how all-powerful she sees Beth as, because if she has to, she can control Beth’s power by proxy. Beth’s power isn’t an inevitability for her. Quite often, it’s even her asset.

What I do think almost feels like an inevitability for her, is her and Beth’s relationship. I actually think Addy has more internal conflict about this than she lets on. She is an unreliable narrator. She doesn’t tell us everything. What she does tell us, is what she wants us to know, and it’s dyed by how she wants us to see it. But I think it’s very interesting that after the fight at cheer camp, and the other girls think they’ll never be friends again, Addy’s just…of the mindset that well, of course they would. Because coming back together, being together is just what they are. Like it’s some force of nature, not a conscious choice. Like it is what it is, the same way gravity exists because it exists and when something is dropped, you can count on it to fall to the ground. Because gravity exists and things do not simply float away, it is not good, it is not bad, it is not fair nor unfair, it just fucking is. And Addy dismisses the other girls’ thoughts, because she thinks they could never understand. Well, I don’t think Addy really understands it either!

I think at this point in the book, Addy truly felt like what she and Beth had was an inevitability of a sort. I don’t think she wanted it to be. I think she genuinely wanted to move away from Beth already, but on this point, I don’t think she was lying to us. Relationships are complicated, codependent relationships specifically can feel very contradictory and confusing. And I think she failed to elaborate more on it, specifically because such feelings were confusing and contradictory, and she didn’t want to think about it any more than she had to. She didn’t want to look at it. There are many things Addy doesn’t like to look at.

Major YMMV on this one because it’s left incredibly ambiguous, but I personally do believe there was a point in time when Addy was in love with Beth. Addy is the one who kissed Beth. Addy is the one who initiated their borderline (or even, some people think it went that far, I personally don’t) sexual encounter.

“I started it, but I don’t even remember why or how,” is her input on her motivation. But when is Addy ever honest about her motives? Almost never, not even to herself.

Also, the hamsa bracelet. The story behind the little charm is that it’s the Hand of Fatima. Fatima was stirring a pot when her husband came home with a new wife, let the ladel slip from her fingers, stirred with her own hand, and didn’t even notice the pain because of how brokenhearted she was. Or, at least, that’s the version of the story presented in the book. The one I know of IRL is different, but for the purpose of discussing Dare Me book canon, I am using the symbolism of the version of the Hand of Fatima lore presented to us in the book.

Beth is Fatima in this story. Addy is the husband. The new wife is Colette. Fatima was the first wife. The husband married his first wife, chances are, he loved her at some point.

I think three things play into Addy no longer being in love with Beth.

1) Beth’s possessive behavior began to feel suffocating and drive Addy away.

2) Addy prioritizes ambition over love and accomplishing her goals wins out over any romance, at the end of the day.

3) Addy represses her sexuality and probably even holds some (unfair) resentment toward Beth for feeling attracted to Beth.

My gray faced friendo, I am going to repeat that: this is all just my take. I think in a subtext loaded book like Dare Me, people are bound to come away with over a hundred different interpretations. I am not the authority on Dare Me. That’s Megan Abbott. I’m not here to crap on anyone else’s interpretation if they feel different.

All of this is what I personally took away from the book and since you asked, that’s what I’m describing. I’ve been giving my own personal take throughout the entirety of this answer, of course, but what I’m going to describe going forward is a lot of me reading in between the lines with my magnifying glass, and may seem less coherent than the above. Okay, here we go.

Point #1: I feel like Beth’s possessive behavior began to drive Addy away, because it’s a lot to deal with. Beth gets dog leashes for all the girls on the squad at one point, but goes as far as to have Addy’s name embroidered on hers. Addy goes to another girl’s birthday party and when she gets home, low and behold, Beth is waiting at her house. RiRi outright refers to Addy as “Beth’s girl,” as if Addy belongs to Beth.

I think Addy even begins to feel like she does belong to Beth, in some ways, and becomes comfortable feeling that way. But eventually, she doesn’t want to feel that way anymore. Their relationship is extremely codependent, okay. I think in both the book and the show, it’s more obvious from Beth’s side, because we’ve reached the point in that relationship where Addy is beginning to pull away. Beth reflexively seems to cling on even tighter, because she feels it happening. But it’s absolutely codependent from Addy’s side too.

Throughout the book, there are many moments (I’m not going to comb for all of them, sorry dude, it’s almost 300 pages) where Addy behaves like she and Beth are an entity unto their own. Even as she’s moving away from her as she develops her bond with Colette, there are instances where Addy will describe sensing things inside Beth. There is even a moment where Addy thinks Beth is touching her ear (the ear Addy scarred, mind you) only to discover, no, she’s touching her own ear!

Plus, Addy feels like she needs others to verbalize her thoughts/feelings for her and for a long time, this person is Beth. Implying that not only does Addy rely on Beth to do such a thing for her, but she believes that Beth can know her thoughts accurately enough to do so.

Point #2: I think ambition outranks love for Addy, because her goals are her endgame. Addy is patient, Addy is deceptive. Addy likes the way power feels and I think it’s one of the reasons she gets so high on her relationship with Colette (even if it is an inappropriate and eventually damaging one). Colette makes Addy feel powerful, probably more powerful than she actually is. I’m going to repeat myself a bit here and even copy/paste some of my thoughts about this from a reply I left to a comment on Ao3 (that poor person, I went into a full on Addy rant) because I feel like what I said previously is relevant here.

*deep breath* When we begin the book/series, I personally believe like on some level, Addy does still have feelings for Beth. However, I do NOT think those feelings are as strong as they once were, and I don’t think they are feelings Addy wants to have. I think the remaining feelings Addy does have for Beth are mostly there because they’ve been in a codependent relationship for so long, one that consumes her identity, and in a relationship like that, even if you don’t want those feelings anymore, they’re difficult to move away from. Because at some point, you don’t really know who you are not just without that person, but without those feelings, even if you want to, even if wanting to is part of the reason you want to get rid of those feelings. Codependency is a strange animal, my friend.

Although Addy’s relationship with Colette was never mutually romantic nor canonically sexual, I do believe there was a part of Addy that was ‘killing’ her remaining feelings for Beth through that relationship. “Love is a kind of killing,” is one of the oft repeated lines of the book, and I’d even say it’s one of the themes. It is Beth who says it, and we see that she feels it too, her love for Addy is killing her. She nearly kills herself out of it (though I’d say other things impacted Beth enough to put her in such a state that suicide felt worth it, even if her feelings for Addy were the primary motive, again YMMV).

The Matt/Colette/Will dynamic is another example of love becoming a kind of killing. Matt kills Will for Colette. If we believe what she tells Addy, then he acted on his own in doing so and it was an accident. If we don’t believe her, she might’ve even been the little worm in Matt’s ear who told him to do it. Either way, he killed for love. None of the audience really cares for their hetero nonsense, because Matt is sexist and both Colette and Will are predatory people, but nonetheless, their debacle largely impacts the story. And it supports the idea that “love is a kind of killing.”

I believe love as a kind of killing is something Addy weaponizes for her own development. To her own detriment as well, because it ends up taking her to dangerous places.  Even so, I think Addy had/has some lingering feelings for Beth she uses forming a bond with Colette to metaphorically ‘kill’ inside herself. Like finishing off an already mortally wounded animal, if you will. This would also support “love is a kind of killing” as a recurring theme.

Addy’s relationship with Colette gave her a crutch and a new outlet, and Colette’s encouragement (while the audience knows its manipulation) also gave Addy affirmation for the way she was already feeling about Beth— that she wanted to distance herself from her and come into her own. In addition, Colette seemed to be ‘safer’ because Addy doesn’t have to compete with Colette.

The presence of specifically female socialization is very palatable in the book. The way the girls slut-shame each other. The way other people see them, the feminine appeal of cheerleading. Others take the glitz and the glam of it at face value without understanding the more masculinely-coded things that go into it, like dedication and athleticism. Colette is a villain, no doubt, but you have to give the devil her due, and her circumstances are as miserable and empty as they are because she finds herself boxed into traditional feminine roles she isn’t suited for. Although the show is not the book, and I will maintain that I don’t feel they are identical entities, I do think Willa had a lot of interesting input on this in her Build interview, alongside Taveeta and Abbott. Check it out if you have the time—

Wait, where was I?

Right, right, female socialization in Dare Me. Okay, continuing on.

I feel that female socialization also plays an important role in the relationships between the characters, namely the Beth/Addy/Colette dynamic. We live in a culture where women are socialized to tear each other down and compete with each other even outside of the athletic arena. Combine that with the athletic, cutthroat world of cheerleading and you’ve got yourself a powder keg of an environment where those competitive feelings are going to come out full force. Addy, wanting what she wants, is inevitably going to have to view Beth as a rival, romantic feelings or otherwise aside.  

Colette feels like a ‘safer’ object of attraction because her cheerleading days are over.

Colette does not pose a threat to Addy’s thirst for power, she can only help her achieve it. I definitely think the lack of Colette posing a threat to Addy’s goals plays into how comfortable she feels with her. I also think, to a teenager with dreams of grandeur already feeling suffocated in a relationship with her peer, this is where the age gap appeals to Addy even as it disturbs us readers.

Again, Addy doesn’t have to compete with Colette, because Colette has aged out of ‘cheerleader’ and into ‘coach.’ Colette is a seemingly self-sufficient adult (initially) who doesn’t spin out the way Beth does, and depend on Addy as heavily as Beth does. Colette represents the agency Addy covets, and feels nearer to when with her.

I mean, we all know things change once a dead body is brought into that dynamic and we all know that Colette is emotionally manipulating Addy for her own purposes. But I’m not talking about Colette’s perspective, I’m talking about Addy’s before all the crime scene hullabaloo. What happens after the night with Will changes things, but up until that point, I think this is much of what Addy got out of her bond with Colette, no matter how inappropriate a bond it was. No matter how much it shouldn’t have been happening.

I will say, I don’t believe Addy ever fully realizes the extent to which Colette was manipulating her, although it’s clear as the book goes on, she realizes some of it. She picks up on things that don’t add up, acknowledges some red flags she initially ignored, and refers to her as a liar at one point.

Wait JJ, why are you talking about Addy and Colette? The question was about Addy and Beth!

Yes, but I think you cannot always separate the two. Because I think many of the developments that occur in the book between Addy and Beth, and the way in which they occur, play out as they do because of Colette’s entry into the story. Abbott said herself that Dare Me is a love triangle. A triangle is connected by all three sides, okay, continuing on…

I think there are things Addy deliberately sought out in her relationship with Colette— I will repeat this because again, I personally view this as part of the theme and part of the answer to your question— including ‘killing’ what remained of her feelings for Beth. I think it’s also very clear that she thinks Colette is the key to getting what she wants and accomplishing her own goals.

But I would go the extra mile and say she projects some of her feelings for Beth onto Colette. I’ve brought this up before, but I will elaborate more about that now.

I think Addy is earnestly attracted to Colette, just as Colette. Yes, even book!Addy. It’s more subtle in the book, but contrast the way she describes Jordy to the way she describes Colette. Her fascination with the way Colette looks when Will is fucking her. It speaks of attraction and that’s perfectly fine. It’s normal when teens have crushes on adults, what isn’t normal is when adults indulge those crushes. When adults pick up on the cues Colette does, and choose to fan the flames instead of snuffing them out. That’s the part that’s fucking scary.

But I also think she projects her feelings for Beth onto Colette and I think that helps explain why Addy latched onto Colette so quickly. When Addy messes around with Jordy, she does it because Colette points him out. And when she tells Colette about it later and Colette doesn’t even seem to remember him, Addy is taken aback, almost offended… and yet, just a couple of pages later, she’s disparaging the girls who do similar things for Beth.

“…hitching jeans low and flashing thongs at security guards. Beth likes to make these girls run.”

Colette and Beth also share some notable similarities. Both can be cold, cutthroat, have calculating thought processes. Colette even looks like Beth in the book. Addy also sort of tries to recreate a ‘better’ version of the bond she had with Beth, with Colette and this is where I stop and I’m like, man, what a weird freakin’ kid. Addy, smh. But you see it, right?

Addy flips for her coach like she flips for her captain. Ties the same bracelet Beth once tied on her wrist onto Colette’s wrist. Does the thing with Jordy very comparable to the things other girls do when they’re trying to impress Beth. Uses Colette specifically when she wants to become her own person, but can’t quite do so yet, because she’s so used to her lifelong codependence with Beth.

And you know how earlier I mentioned that Addy can control Beth when she has to? How the control Addy has over Beth is a quiet, deceptive thing?

Well I think that’s something that Addy projects onto Colette too. Addy is so used to being able to assert that quiet control and maintain the relational power (which is not the same kind of power Addy is seeking endgame) with Beth, that when she begins using Colette as Beth’s substitute, she doesn’t realize she doesn’t have it anymore. I think that’s one of the things that gets her into hot water later, because she absently assumes she’s going to be ‘safe’ with Colette the way she is with Beth, have that ability that she does with Beth to reel things back before they go too far…but she doesn’t.

Addy uses Colette as Beth substitute. But Colette is not Beth. Beth is spooky. Addy is scary. Colette is terrifying. Addy can’t take control of Colette the way she can of Beth. Colette is an adept master manipulator, an adult who has years of experience that Addy lacks. Colette is better at her game than Addy is at hers, and Addy gets in deep shit partly because she doesn’t recognize that.

I would actually compare the Colette/Addy situation a bit to the Kurtz/Beth situation in the show. There are things Beth wants out of Kurtz, she talks to him because she plans to use him, and it inevitably has devastating consequences for her. Kurtz is a predator. And he’s better at his game than Beth is at hers.

The situations are not identical. The consequences are not the same. But both are exemplary of teens being naive fools and thinking they have some control in situations they definitely do not, with people they couldn’t hope to.

Addy gets what she thinks she wants in the end. I’ve addressed why I think this isn’t as cracked up to be as she thinks it is in another post, but that’s not really relevant here. Addy chooses to pursue having her own power above all, and it’s Beth who winds up giving it to her, not Colette. But I think Addy needed to eliminate her feelings for Beth to actually get there, or even if she didn’t actually, it’s what she felt she had to do and most of those feelings were deteriorating already because of Beth’s possessive behavior.

Point #3: I personally believe Addy represses her sexuality. And I do think that plays into how she views Beth, both when she had feelings for her, and when those feelings began to die. I feel Addy harbors some subconscious resentment toward Beth along the lines of a “I don’t want to be like this, but you make me feel this way, and I hold it against you” type deal. However, again, I think that’s a subconscious feeling rather than something Addy is cognitively aware of, and actually, I don’t think it’s separate from how she’s fed up of Beth suffocating her. I believe it only feeds into that feeling and makes it stronger, enhancing her frustration.

Addy is often very cruel when she describes Beth. I think there’s a bit more to it than the inevitability of viewing Beth as a rival outside her control and somewhat within it, the possessive behavior Beth suffocates her with.

I think forgetting that she and Beth had a borderline sexual encounter was repression on her part. I also think this line;

“…and who need to talk of such wonders? We nestle them away, deep in the fury at the center of us, where things can be held tightly, protected, and secretly cherished as a special notion we once held, and then had to stow away,”

wasn’t just about Beth. I think it was about Beth and just like, pursuing girls in general. At least openly. I’d go out on a limb and say another one of the things that drew Addy to Colette was because Colette was a ‘safer’ objection of attraction in the sense that the likelihood of something happening between them was very low. Fantasize safely from the closet, kinda deal. But maybe Addy’s less aware of her sexuality, or at least confronting it than I’m giving her credit for. I mean, she looked up RiRi’s skirt and was all like, “why are other girl’s panties more interesting than your own?”

Addy. Addy, baby. Why do you think.

Oh, and I think Addy kissed RiRi without telling us! At the marines’ party, Addy and RiRi are hanging and then this scene happens.

“She’s fumbling with her phone, trying to send a text. Because it’s all okay because these are Will’s men and nothing bad could ever happen, one of them is pressing our heads together, wanting us to kiss.

“Always ready,” he says. “Always there.””

Then RiRi hugs Addy and starts in about how she couldn’t be close to Addy before, because of Beth. But that’s the thing. It just has that creepy ass adult man trying to make these teen girls kiss, then goes into some dialogue, Addy never actually explains what happens in that moment. If the guy made them kiss or if he let go of them. If either of them protested or just went along with it.

I personally believe they did kiss and I believe Addy doesn’t mention it for two reasons.

1) She’s trying to convince herself and us readers that Will is safe to be around, ergo his men must be too. But some grown ass dude physically trying to force teen girls to kiss each other is obviously a fucking creeper. Will is also a fucking creeper.

2) She enjoyed kissing RiRi and doesn’t care to elaborate on what enjoying that was like, because doing so would mean confronting her sexuality. Her sexuality being one of the many things Addy doesn’t really confront.

Wow, that was a long ass essay. In this essay, I done did. So that is my interpretation of Addy’s feelings for Beth. Feel free to take ‘em or leave ‘em, maybe we don’t feel the same way and that’s totally cool. But you asked, so I answered. That is what I feel is going on with all that mess there.

This essay probably has a shit ton of typos and for that I apologize, but I can’t comb through all this now. This long as hell and I’m hungry, I need to go eat. 

[disslve]

𝐲𝐞𝐞𝐡𝐚𝐰 & 𝐡𝐨𝐰𝐝𝐲 ! this is nai and my cowboy ass is here to throw roxy @ u and also tell u bad jokes and cry over life is strange 2 because i’m still not over this game and I NEED TO TALK ABOUT IT. just a heads up, i came up with roxy on a whim because this rp just looked so good,  so if it seems like i don’t know what i’m talking about ... it’s most likely the case whoops . ( this is an excuse for me bringing shitty muses ). anyway, my fake cowboy ass loves to ramble so if you’re interested in plotting feel free to LIKE this post or hmu. i forgot to mention that i’m also a fake grandma so idk anything about discord at all and i still need to set it up which will happen in the next few days dsdnsdsdn. 

ps: wanted connections/plots can be find in my wanted tag ( a link is on my blog ) and i’ll also list some below !

EDIT: discord name is nai #7158

 * [ kristine froseth + cis-female + she/her ] —— have you met roxanne ‘roxy’ bailey ? they are a twenty-two year old junior currently studying romance languages and literatures. they live on decker house and word around campus is that this scorpio is compassionate + dedicated, as well as impatient + dishonest. i wonder if they’ll make it out alive. 

basics.

full name: roxanne elise bailey

nicknames: roxy, rox

sexual orientation: bisexual

birth place: valencia, spain ( but only lived there for five years ) 

history. 

one could say that roxy had lived an easy life, though her parents weren’t distinguished by their social status, it didn’t mean they lacked money which was enough to support their daughter in whatever she wanted to do.

truth to be told, roxy was indeed a little spoiled, the type of kids who would try all kind of things on the expenses of their parents only to quit a new ‘hobby’ again. she could barely stick to anything. she was some twisted kind of golden child, good at many things but never had the patience to continue something for long enough to cultivate it. 

skipping over the part where she almost tried everything from arts, music etc. she finally found her passion ( and even roxy herself was surprised ). figure skating. she didn’t know what drew her in, she couldn’t explain it, she tried it and it felt right. roxy always describes the feeling as finding a soulmate if she feels extra dramatic that day. 

unsurprisingly, she was good at it. not that kind of good at something she was at all the other things she tried before, but that being good at which stemmed from genuine interest. maybe, that is why she managed to get so far. and it didn’t take too long that people even started to call her a figure skating prodigy. 

at this point at her life, she had it all, spinning the stars on her fingertips ( or warning bad pun ahead: spinning on the ice ). until, well, her parents company was in some crisis and they had to cut corners in the meantime. also oh so ‘conveniently’ roxy lived at the arse end of nowhere and getting to her practices was now even more difficult because as mentioned before they had to save their money for more necessary things. of course, there were more things , small and big, which totally threw her off ( which i am too lazy to list rn).

roxy tried to work part time, but a) the money wasn’t enough b) she didn’t want to cut more hours of training she managed to get. AND well, here comes the turning point and roxy thinking she was oh-so-smart without realizing that it would cost her career. oh-so-smart roxy came up with the idea to , well, just steal some stuff. after all, she trained with many other wealthy peers and she could just sell off their stuff or something. 

at the beginning she only did it to afford certain things she needed, but soon it somehow became an addiction. she felt in control when everyone else in her life was an utter mess. however, the more she took things away from others the more she felt comfortable, doing it more often and sometimes taking things which weren’t even worth that much. it was only a matter of time until she was caught. and as if she was lucky for too long, the person who caught her pressured her into either giving them a hefty sum of money (which she didn’t have) or to quit figure skating. she decided for the latter.

well, here she was and her sudden departure was quite a shock. but she had no choice and stated it was for personal reasons. 

skipping over her being devastated over it, etc. her parents managed to save their company (whatever this company is) but at this point it was already too late and roxy was accepted into holloway. 

right now she actually wants to pick up her figure skating career again, however, she’s too afraid that the blackmailer is going to expose her and also she doesn’t really know who they are (lets pretend they wrote her letters, txt messages >??) and also she’s kind of afraid due to the lack of practice she had .

personality.

okay i’ll keep this short bcs i wrote way too much for her background story. but to sum it up, roxy kind of has that perfect girl facade.  considering how many friends roxy has and how social she appears to be it is odd that no one seems to be able to describe her.  roxy doesn’t want people to know who she truly is, and she keeps her distance as she actively avoids conflicts that might cause her to say something wrong and exposes herself. 

she shields her feelings by only presenting polished version of herself, the facade of the perfect girl: kind, hard-working and polite. someone whose life is easy and someone who looks like she doesn’t have any worries. it doesn’t mean she isn’t anything of that, but it’s not as if her kindness has no bounds or that she doesn’t need to put effort into the things she does. nevertheless, she believes that she must be perfect in order to make people like her. and while, she is pretty good at masking her emotions and smile along, as soon as someone threatens to see past the illusion, she will become defensive and won’t hesitate to lie in order to preserve it.

plots.

best friends: although roxy pretty much keeps her distance from everyone else, this person had always stood by her side. maybe they knew about roxy’s sudden wannabe-thief phase ( which she is still in ) and well tried to talk her out of it ( which obviously didn’t work ). also adding some drama here and maybe they had a big argument over it and distanced from each othr because of it. however, my angst ass doesn’t want to ruin it and they’ll rekindle their friendship. they might meet again at holloway and it’s awkward at first, maybe they even have some arguments but they’ll get over it because everyone loves a good rekindled friendship story.

annoyance: someone who gets under roxy’s skin.seeing past the perfect girl face and constantly calling her out on it. maybe they just have fun annoying her and want to see what she really likes or they just don’t like roxy , thinking that beneath all of this act, she is a really unpleasant person. perhaps, they’re even doing it with good intentions and want to show her that she doesn’t need to hide who she is. whatever it is, they’re determined to expose to the world who she really is. 

pen pal ??:  muse a and roxy had been friends for a very long time, yet the funny thing is that they’ve never met each other nor do they know what the other look like. all they know is their name ( or maybe they only know each other by their usernames ) and their deepest secrets. maybe they already have crossed paths many times and perhaps even know each other but don’t like each other irl. or they never had noticed the other.

blackmailer: BECAUSE WHY NOT??? the person who forced roxy to give up on figure skating. maybe, they were a rival or just didn’t like her, or any other reason. they might as well, have noticed that roxy is secretly training again and might be back at their shit again. 

exes: GIVE ME THE ANGST, maybe muse a and roxy used to be in a serious relationship and as naive they were back then both of them thought this love would last forever. however, at some point roxy started to distance herself from muse a, constantly cancelling their dates because of their busy schedule. at first muse a tried to be understanding towards her, but as time passed things only got worse. roxy hating any kind of conflict just decided to ignore the problem instead about talking about it and eventually stopped replying to muse a messages. muse a never really got to know the real reason behind their break up and was left with unanswered questions. but anything works  

unrequited love: (this is just me throwing in my favourite way to make myself suffer) It doesn’t matter who is the one with the the one sided love because i just want some good angst.a)  muse a has a crush on roxy, yet they never told her about it. yet, muse a can’t hide it and it doesn’t take too long until roxy notices it. but instead of trying to talk to muse a about it, roxy just ignores it acting as she usually does and perhaps even give them false hope that she might like them back. maybe muse a even confessed to her and because roxy didn’t want to hurt them she told muse a she’d think about it.

b) roxy has a crush on muse a but doesn’t admit it. she doesn’t want to show their vunerable side and just plays it down. maybe they’re friends and roxy doesn’t want to lose another friend. but one day she confesses to muse a on accident, making everything awkward between them.

someone she stole from: idk i thought this would be fun ? maybe she confessed to them about it or maybe they caught her but decided to not confront her about it.

fan: someone who used to watch her perfomances on their tv and is still not over the fact that she quit.

i also have a connection page on my blog if these are too specific or none of these work 

i’m too tired to come up with more dsdsdnjsd but gimme everything !! THE ANGST, FLUFF, DRAMA PLS!!! 

[ranger-kellyn]

11 Favorite Excerpts

In honor if it being the 11 year anniversary of the first fic I ever posted, Platinum Bound, I thought I’d list out 10 of my favorite excerpts from everything I’ve posted so far, 1 from something I haven’t posted yet, and then kind of just. Talk about it~

As always, feel free to talk to me about any of my fics, no matter how old or new~ I’m very vain~<3

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1 - Come With Me - Prologue - 03/02/2015 - Completed

A day that was supposed to be filled with sorrow and mourning had turned out to be very lovely. The cold that had long persisted since November had decided to lighten its icy grip on this one day in particular. It was almost a tragedy in itself that the weather failed to match the mood by pouring a relentless downpour. Rain was fit for a funeral. Not sunshine.

The opening to Come With Me has always had a special place in my heart, and while I know my writing has gotten better since then, I always hold up this opening as like...my premium brand, I suppose.  I love the mood the prologue sets up for Siebold’s side of the story.  Mismatched weather.  His parents having the same death date.  A sense of odd relationship dynamics with them.  Clear indication that there’s going to be a lot of conflict with Jean as shown by Diantha, Siebold’d childhood friend, who has a clear disdain towards him.  CWM may not be my BEST WORK, but it’s probably one of my favorites.  ALSO....come on...the restaurant’s name is Apple of The Earth, which is a direct translation of pomme de terre, which is French for potato.  And like???? i just get a little kick out of it every time

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2 - It Takes Two - 12/16/2014 - Oneshot

Siebold chuckled.  “A water dark type?  My, my.  You’ve already put yourself at a disadvantage. Cress shook his head.  “Don’t give away your secret ingredient just yet, Siebold.  Leave something to the imagination, please,” he teased.

If there is ONE THING I LOVE it’s writing flirty banter for these two, and this fic if full of it.  My first fic for Cress/Siebold, staking my claim on the pool noodle that is this ship.  I AM the captain of this pool noodle

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3 - Second Chances - Chapter 7 - 06/14/2017 - Ongoing

“It was supposed to be me!” . . . Shaking, she stopped herself in the front hallway.  Looking over the large, glass-famed map, she felt as though she was leaving her own body as she slammed herself against it in a last ditch effort to feel something other than emotional pain.  In an effort to put a physical wound to her emotional one. 

There’s plenty of happier lines from this fic I could choose.  Ch 10 had a section I was considering instead, but I think this emotionally charged section has always stood out for me. I like to generally characterize Cynthia as someone who is in control of her emotions, or at the very least, is very good at compartmentalizing things, but here, she absolutely loses it.  No rationality.  No seeking help.  Just raw pain.  It was supposed to be me. Because it was!  It absolutely was!  In the previous chapter you learn that Diantha had fully intended to propose to her!  But was instead manipulated by her mother and manager into leaving Cynthia.  While Cynthia didn’t know that, we do, and that makes that line so much more painful to me.  I swear.  ONE DAY.  I’ll actually finish this fic.

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4 - Fortune and Fame - Chapter 1 - 03/23/2016 - Completed

“The best part of that outfit would be taking it off.” Her mouth turns into a smile. “I should think so,” she tells you.

Second person POV is a HUGE pain in the ass, but I still love this silly little fic, and I love this silly little moment EVEN MORE.  What can I say.  I love flirty banter. This whole fic was an absolute experiment, and while it certainly could be better, considering 2POV is not something I regularly work with, I’ve never been too upset with it.

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5 - Stockholm - Chapter 4 - 06/20/2016 - Ongoing

“You’re my mission and my mission alone.  I don’t need outside help,” he tells me. I catch myself about to laugh.  “Figured you would welcome it seeing as whatever you think you’re doing to me clearly isn’t working.” He moves closer, enough for me to feel the warmth of his body, but it’s only when I think he’s looking at my lips do I come to my senses, pulling my legs up to my person, and pushing back up against the wall. “I would say it’s working just fine.”

i like to think of this fic as me playing in a sandbox.  i don’t REALLY know what i’m doing, but i’m having fun, and that’s all that matters. This is a fic I had been thinking about for the longest time.  I abandoned it back in 2016.  I don’t really remember why, but I posted the first update early this year, and I just.  I’ve been loving it since.  I haven’t played in first person in SUCH a long time, it’s just nice to play in the space, and explore a darker emotion I guess.  Game verse Commander Saturn/Dawn is always a weakness of mine

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6 - Shadows of My Heart - Chapter 4 - 02/22/2011 - Completed

Looking at Kellyn, I notice that he has taken his jacket off and is now offering it to me. Shaking my head, I tell him that I can't take it, even though I would love nothing more than to take him up on his offer. He walks closer, smiling as he places his jacket over me. Now, the only thing I hear is the sound of the rain bouncing off of Kellyn's jacket, and the sound my own heartbeat. I'd have to be crazy or dead to not be blushing right now, and obviously my pulse is still going…

if you’ve followed me for a few years, you might think this is a weird pick for me.  i complain about it a lot.  i experience a lot of visceral cringe whenever i reread it (Like i did just now searching for a section i liked) But that’s why I like it.  I love having this visible benchmark of where I’ve come from, and where my ideals have shifted to.  I’ve always written Kellyn as my Ideal Man™© and in this fic he is suCH A “NICE GUY” AND IT’S JUST. SO BAD. I’M SO GLAD I’M NOT WITH THE KIND OF PERSON I USED TO WISH I WAS WITH. This fic is, at best, clumsy.  Younger me was venting a LOT of stuff. Everything I put Rhythmi through in the fic, I was dealing with irl, and NOT handling them well.  I never recommend this for reading, but I list it here because it’s like looking in a time capsule.  

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7 - Washington Blues - Chapter 2 - 04/30/2012 - Abandoned Work

Looking back up at me, the afternoon sun shines on her face.  As if I needed to be reminded that she is very pretty.  “I believe that it is too soon to be giving a definite answer, but,” she pauses to brush some hair behind her ear, “I do believe I am going to like it here.” I nod, liking the answer she has provided.  I put my pink bag over my shoulder, and step down the stairs.  “That’s good to hear.  I do hope you come to love our little band,” I say, putting a little emphasis on “our”.  Hopefully she will start using that term as well.

This fic has been abandoned since 2012, but as I was rereading it just now, I...felt a weird urge to give it a second chance?  Marching band was my EVERYTHING in high school.  It was basically my personality.  It and Homestuck.  If nothing else, I think I might give this fic a redo, because it’s something my younger self would have loved.  I had so many ideas I wanted to explore and I think it would be a fun space to explore. Just reading it I got the most tactile memories of band camp, from the sounds, all the way down to the god awful smells.  One day I’ll give this fic another go, but probably in 3rd person lmao.  Also, it’s kind of funny.  I remember holding this fic up as like.  My Magnum Opus.  I considered chapter 1 to be the BEST thing I had written up to that point. Now? It’s so fucking D RY......and no real person talks like they all do l m a o I love being able to see how far I’ve come. 

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8 - Hindsight - Sometime Feb 2014?  - Oneshot for an old RP group

This question led him to placing both of his hands in his lap.  “I would never describe her as winter.  It’s the season she hates the most.  From what I’ve gathered during our travels together, understandably so,” he answered, not meeting her eyes. 

While this fic is OLD it holds a very special place in my heart.  I had stopped writing for a while.  For about 2 years nothing I wrote ever really panned out, and joining that RP group was literally the best thing I could have done for my creativity.  It was so much fun, and I met some truly incredible people thanks to it.  Literally, everything I’ve written since I attribute to that group.  <3 I may not talk to most of them anymore, but I have some of the best memories of that time, and I just.  Genuinely don’t think I would have HALF of what I have written now if it hadn’t been for their support.  <3

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9 - Ours For The Taking - Chapter 2 - 01/28/2012 - Abandoned Work

Killing is in the nature of almost every Pokémon, but we humans have inhibited that out for the most part. It doesn't take much to trigger the instinct though. A couple kills and then they thirst for blood.

Now i know this looks like a WACK ASS PICK.  It’s been abandoned since 2012.  It’s bad.  It’s gore.  It’s bad.  But that’s exactly why I picked it.  That, and I know it would chap Farla’s ass bc she told me years ago how awful this fic was. The whole reason my writing confidence took a blow.  I can look back and know that this fic wasn’t great, but I hate for my younger self that they were knocked down like that.  You can’t learn the boundaries of your writing until you try to push them.  Maybe I could have turned into a great gore/horror writer if I hadn’t been knocked down?  Who knows?  But because of that negative experience, I now approach all comments I leave on fics with “unconditional positive regard”.  I firmly believe if someone wants con-crit they’ll ask for it, and even then, I’m not someone who is going to offer up that criticism.  That’s not my jam.  I’m just here for a good time.  This fic may be bad, but that’s why I love it.  I love how over the top, 2Edgy4me the two chapters are. 

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10 - Getaway Car - Chapter 5 - 01/01/2019 - Ongoing

Pulling away just enough to make them look at one another, Cynthia looked her over.  She was getting more drunk admissions than she ever thought she would, and she was in no frame of mind to worry about pushing her luck.  “How did that make you feel?” she asked. She let her hand trail down her arm as she spoke.  “Grounded.  Like nothing else in the world mattered except us in that moment.  I wasn’t worried about filming, deadlines, what people might say or think, or– anything, really.  All that mattered was the calm you brought me, and how without meaning to you’ve made me feel like the most important person in the room.”

It’s no secret that Getaway Car is like.  MY BABY.  This is MY FIC.  MY BABY.  I CHERISH THIS FIC FOR SO MANY REASONS. I like venting through characters, and this fic is no exception.  But I loved writing this moment specifically, because it just...I think it encapsulates everything Diantha has been looking for.  She lives a charmed, chaotic life.  Up to that point in the fic, she’s with a man who can’t really be bothered to give her the time of day, but also can’t handle the idea of letting her go.  Without meaning to, without necessarily trying to, Cynthia makes her feel like the most important person in the room.  She grounds her, and someone who lives a star-studded life needs that.  This fic is my baby.  My everything.  It’s probably what I’m known for at this point, and I’m A-OK with that because these two are my everything.  (ALSO, I specifically posted this fic when I did to get Farla to leave me a review, and had a good laugh about it when she did.  My “bat shit crazy” plot device has ended up being my most popular fic~)

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11 - Namtaflu - Chapter _ - Draft from NaNoWriMo 2019

The sound of something rising to the surface of the water attracted everyone’s attention.  Turning their eyes towards the water, one by one, countless Starmie and Staryu began to surface, floating atop the water, their bright gem center’s shining in the moonlight.  “Oh, wow,” Bianca said, holding the Audino closer to herself.  "What are they doing?” Hilbert asked, turning himself so he wasn’t having to strain to look at them.  Cheren shrugged.  “They’ve always done this.” "They’re looking at the stars,” Hilda added.  “It’s what Nona would always tell me.  She said she read it in a book somewhere.  They surface at night to look at the stars, and they’ll even start blinking here soon.”  As she said it, from out in the distance, quick flashes of red began to move along the waves, reminding both her and Cheren of fireflies from further south.  Soon enough, the entire shoreline was filled with the water pokémon blinking away at the stars, almost as if they were communicating with each other, or even something else.  A few Audino continued to sit with them, everyone moved to silence by the display, afraid to make a single noise, not wanting to scare them at all and make them stop.  The display moved in waves, like a heartbeat, ebbing and flowing.  At times they were bright enough to cast a glow onto the shore, and at others it seemed like they had collectively stopped for the night. Once Broadway and Manhattan had decided to retire for the night, the group came to an agreement that it was time they retired for the night as well.  They had stayed up long past sundown, but it had been worth every second.   

I won’t be posting this fic WELL until my three current ongoing fics are completed, but this fic is pretty much everything to me.  I first got the idea for this fic back in 2013, my senior year of high school.  I wrote the first draft my first NaNoWriMo in 2014, and did a second draft of it last year.  This fic has evolved SO MUCH, but this last draft is where I’m REALLY happy with it.  I firmly believe there’s never a “right time” to write a fic, but I also believe this fic absolutely benefited from me not posting it after that first draft.  They’re almost two entirely different stories.  The original had a lot of unhealthy relationship dynamics, and this time, i decided, FUCK THAT, and now it’s a hilda/hilbert/cheren/bianca poly fic ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ I can’t wait for the day when I actually get to share this fic with the world. 

[thegeminisage]

i’m gonna liveblog my rewatch of 2.08 because i can

it’s stupid long so here’s the cut

just to give you an idea of how fast this switch flipped for me at the start of this episode when uther is like “u will find no one who embodies nobleness better than my son arthur” i went “PFFFFFT” & had a good chortle

i have a lot to say about this duel challenge sequence. 1. why are strangers always coming in and tossing their glove on the floor. everyone in that room is armed. just take them out! 2. arthur picks up the glove first this time, unlike 1.03. guess he can learn after all 3. he does it BEFORE SEEING HER FACE god classic he’s so fucking stupid

everyone getting their panties in a twist over having to fight a WOMAN when in reality she goes on to kick his ass is like...both tiresome & hilarious

i used to really be on the fence about the Vibe between merlin & arthur because while they seemed quite happy to die for one another from the get-go most of the time arthur is just being MEAN and merlin isn’t as mean back and it’s like :/ ok i don’t get what everyone else is so heart-eyes over. but in 2.08 they do a lot of confiding in one another and just general talking about plot-stuff where arthur’s insults are...not absent, but kept to a minimum, and idk it’s nice! it’s nice. less like arthur is a massive bully and more like they’re Companions. i’m not hopeful about it lasting bc this show doesn’t know the meaning of the words “consist continuity” but it was reeeeeaally good here

arthur’s face when he lost to a G I R L and uther just walked out with no comment. even back when i still hated him i was like “ouch”

that being said it was a welcome change of pace to see merlin giving ARTHUR shit for once. finally

upon morgause and morgana’s first meeting when morgause says “i hope you will remember me fondly” i went “WOW THAT’S GAY” because i didn’t KNOW and cathy told me later she had to put her head in her hands for five whole minutes. don’t shoot me i’m just the messenger they’re the ones who wrote it that way

my favorite thing about morgause is that i couldn’t immediately figure her out. i’m in the habit of throwing out guesses about future plot points for fun, because i’m a writer and that’s how i deconstruct things, and since this show was kind of meant to be kid-friendly i’m usually right. but as far as morgause went...i didn’t have a clue. i had NO IDEA this whole ep would be like this

i’ve said this before (not on this blog tho) but arthur is like...really eager to die. i keep joking that he has a death wish but upon further reflection i don’t think he’s actively seeking to end his life as much as he would be relieved to die for something noble like honor or whatever because then he would have...done it right, if that makes any sense, and wouldn’t have to worry about screwing it up anymore. he doesn’t want to die but he craves a good death. to prove to his dad and himself that he’s made of the right stuff?? i’m not being very clear. this concept requires more thought

it’s REALLY a lot for me that uther would rather throw arthur in his own chambers than have him find out about ygraine. yyyyikes

merlin sneaking in that rope was so cute. he finally got the group’s communal braincell for a few minutes

on the other hand after the troll episodes i am SO tired of dung being played for laughs. i really suffered

also man i’m so glad morgana finally got some sleep it’s what she deserves

this Dead Parent talk really mcmurdered me. both merlin and arthur lost a parent when they were very young & they now cannot remember said parent and we HAVE THAT IN COMMON so every single word they said was like an arrow straight to my heart!!!!!!! like as good as the ending to this episode was (and OH it was good OHHHHH it was GOOD) i think this right here is what truly softened me up towards arthur. this is relatability, this is emotional vulnerability, this is a genuine human connection made between EQUALS and frankly it’s exactly what i’ve been wanting from these guys for a season and a half. their willingness to die for each other is good stuff to be sure but it’s EMPTY without some meat to back it up & we’re finally getting what we deserve

“i’d do anything for even the vaguest memory” like they didn’t have to go that hard & read me for filth like that but they did. they did. arthur. babe. my guy.

almost every time someone comes in to speak with uther he’s eating and he has like an entire mini-banquet in front of him even though he’s all by himself. like, an entire plate of grapes, a whole-ass chicken, an intact loaf of bread, a bowl FILLED with whole uncut apples...wtf??

“what would YOU know about magic, merlin?” “nothing ;)” i did have a good chortle truly

i’ve already made my points about arthur and a good death but MAN he was hasty to put his head on that chopping block for no good fucking reason at all. holy shit. him casually doing that swing-thing he does with his sword to the axe ahead of time really adds a lot to this entire thing and also aged me ten years

when arthur was like “what if my father’s attitude towards magic is wrong” and “surely not everyone who practices magic can be evil” i gasped so fucking loud. so fucking loud

and the worst part is you can practically feel merlin’s heartbeat pick up. just LOOK at his “wtf am i hearing is this for real could my dreams actually come true” face. but at the same time, he’s got to be the one with a healthy suspicion here because arthur is in over his head. so he STILL can’t trust it. and then naturally it goes to hell so quickly that the chance for merlin to confide in arthur is lost. i can’t believe this took 4 irl years and five seasons. watching this live must have been like TORTURE. i’m practically bingeing it and i’m still suffering deeply

it’s very odd to me that arthur specifically said his mother died before he opened his eyes but the first thing ygraine says to him is that she remembers him staring up at her. to me that’s an obvious clue that she’s a fake, and the cutaway during that line to merlin’s face tells me he had the same suspicion (and that he’s kind of horrified by it)

ARTHUR FEELS SO GUILTY FOR HER DYING AND I’M ALSO DYING AND SLDFKMGHLSKDFJH

i know for a fact that ygraine’s telling of these events is slightly altered from the truth too...there’s no way that uther would have been so overcome with grief that he went on to commit genocide if he knew beforehand that his wife would die and was willing to sacrifice her

on the other hand, there’s also a cutaway to morgause’s face during this speech in which she looks surprised or confused at what ygraine says, which doesn’t add up if she was pulling these strings, so...What Is The Truth

not to be like this but merlin bearing witness to this whole series of events is like...there’s some things that once you go through them with somebody things between you change and there’s a new intimacy there...i don’t expect much from a show that likes to return to the status quo but in my heart it’s how i feel

OH BOY HERE WE GO. arthur arrives in camelot and pulls his sword out as soon as he leaves his horse leaving a visibly spooked merlin behind him this is the STUFF

“arthur was born of magic” is really a hell of a line because even though i already knew this backstory i hadn’t stopped to consider it like that...no, magic is not a crucial part of arthur’s identity and how he views himself the way it is for merlin and morgana, but it’s still a part of his history and what made him who he is, that made him alive and different from other people. his hatred and fear of it becomes so much more tragic in that light. i think also there was such a clear line drown before between people who are magic and people who are not and for me, mentally, arthur kind of...swapped sides, or is at least straddling the border

merlin’s absolute FURY at uther’s hypocrisy is like...........fucking. another thing i wanted to see for a season and a half. imo there’s not nearly enough meat to the fact that merlin is magic and ultimately serves uther who is trying to decimate him and his kind - has actually SAVED UTHER'S LIFE on MULTIPLE occasions. this is the first time this show actually went “hey uther is responsible for the deaths of hundreds of people and that’s really not at all ok” and i am SO into it. like, no, he’s not misguided. he’s not “just grieving.” he’s a murderer. he’s responsible for genocide.

the final 9 minutes of this episode feature arthur pendragon being absolutely FURIOUS. he’s LIVID. he’s PISSED. and i love it more than anything else this show has done so far

i genuinely, truly believed he didn’t have this in him. never in my WILDEST DREAMS could i have imagined arthur doing this. i had written it off as the stuff of fanfics. but holy shit my man snapped

HE👏DID👏THAT👏

reasons i did not see this coming at all even a little: 1. i figured there was no way arthur would get over his anti-magic thing until near the end (i know it must come back later, but STILL) 2. i did not believe for one second he could ever seriously stand up to his father for more than a few minutes at a time 3. most of what’s making arthur so goddamn pissed is that he thinks his dad killed his mom on purpose but he’s also showing a fair amount of horror at the fact that uther hunted down and killed everyone even remotely associated with sorcery like animals. do you know what that is? does anybody else understand the enormity of this? HE IS SHOWING EMPATHY. i DID NOT believe he was capable of it.

i do feel a way about how uther started this scene from a place of cool confidence - he was handing out orders, “leave us and no one comes in,” manipulating the situation, “she was lying to you, magic users are trying to destroy us,” and finally trying to close the door on the topic and reassert control, “i am your kind and your father and you will SHOW ME SOME RESPECT” - and arthur was not only having none of it (the way his eyes narrowed as uther’s casual “she was lying”...oh boy) he TURNED THE TABLES and had uther ON THE DEFENSIVE. the number of times we’ve seen uther shut other people down and get his way because he’s king and everyone is afraid of him and this time uther was the one who afraid LITERALLY for his life. HOW’S THAT TASTE BITCH god it was SO satisfying. like, there’s one shot where arthur is walking slowly towards him after all his verbal tactics have failed to de-escalate the situation and he’s in the backround with his eyes so fucking wide and he looks TERRIFIED. i LOVE IT

“you are my son. you would not strike an unarmed man.” “i no longer consider myself your son” AND HE STRIKES HIM

HE👏

DID👏

THAT👏

when i say that i LITERALLY screamed i am not at all exaggerating or using hyperbole. cathy asked twice if i needed to pause & collect myself. i could not have paused if my life depended on it

i’m really on the fence about merlin stopping arthur. on the one hand, arthur has suffered enough and doesn’t need to suffer more by having to carry the guilt or dadmurder. under the other, uther is a monster and needs to die, and the entire world would be better off without him

like...arthur’s face when he says “you have caused so much suffering and pain”...he really finally got it. for one beautiful brilliant moment he understood

i am NOT on the fence about merlin lying to arthur. that was the wrong way to do it. arthur 6000% deserves to know the truth and that’s only gonna come back and bite them later i’m sure (unless it never comes back at all in which case i’ll be pissed)

i’m not sure that arthur would have backed off if they had told the truth and said “uther didn’t realize your mom was gonna die so really that part wasn’t his fault”...he was really mad! but he might’ve. lying was not the way to go. i’m so angry at literally everyone in that scene for allowing arthur to walk away believing he was wrong. he was so full of conviction and he was about to do a really good thing - not good for him personally, but good for the world - and everyone he trusts lied to his face in order to maintain the status quo and not have to deal with anything ugly. i HATE it. i’m team arthur now. i’m in the arthur defense squad. all those dumb liars aren’t good enough to be his friends!!!!!!

like, even his dad’s words were sooo carefully chosen to avoid lying but also avoid telling the whole truth. even in that moment when arthur was laying it all bare and they could have made some sort of progress as character and as people. we had to go BACK TO THE STATUS QUO

Once Again Arthurs Heart Is Hardened To Magic i hate it thanks

honestly look uther telling arthur that he’s a trusted ally in the fight against magic should make him feel a lot more distressed than what we got. i mean i’m sure he’s glad his cover is safe but he should realize that if uther approves he’s doing something wrong

furthermore, uther hasn’t changed a bit. he says he came to thank merlin and that merlin is a loyal servant and trusted ally, but then threatens his life before he leaves. honestly we should have just let arthur stab him

i do appreciate them making a point of mentioning that merlin was tempted to let uther die and that it would have been better for him if uther HAD died and he only did what he did to protect arthur but like...there were ways to do that that didn’t involve lying i think. this is an optimistic show most of the time. it wouldn’t have messed with my suspension of disbelief if arthur had dropped the sword knowing the real whole truth! but no, The Status Quo

i don’t know if i will still love arthur so much in the coming episodes.................we’ll see. i’m kind of nervous because i don’t know how they’re ever going to top this. i think we peaked right here and it’ll never be this good for me again

[seaoreos]

Tell me about the taz self inserts my bro And give me one (1) kravitz headcanon

Omg Thank youuuuuuuuu here, First is your one/several Kravitz headcannon!

-He has a neat tatto Of raven wings on his back that can become physical wings if he wants.

-He’ll switch to skeleton form because of sudden/extreme emotion, like getting flustered, or angry.

-He has many raven friends. They all have names and he can tell them apart easily.

-He gets flustered SO easily. Taako gives him a lil kiss? Big ol’ blush. He just love taako so mu,,ch…

And now on to your regularly scheduled gushing that is long so I put it under a readmore

I only have one S.I for balance because it just feels so personal to me? Idk but it’s just me who randomly got ‘pulled’ onto the starblaster from normal earth via the universe glitching or something. It also includes 8th bird ango and everyone got wings because I lowkey want some irl. Alt-me learns an asortment of magic from the IPRE and forms a strong bond with ango because they’re the only kids. Their traumas include:

-Being held captive and tortured one cycle because having black wings ment you were a demon in their religion. It took awhile for the birds to find her and she was v weak bc it had been around 2 weeks down there I think (it changes all the time)

-She has two separate years where it was only her and one other crew member because the others died. One was with taako and the other with Magnus. Might do one with barry + Lup in lich form later.

-And then the trauma stuff after Lucretia erased their memories:

-Being captured and tortured/forced to fight/used because of magical knowlage with other magical creatures/races but forming a rebellion. She had to leave because the note that I touch on later said she only had so much time before she would miss out on going with the thb to make sure everything went right. Her and angus were in the same town before the guild that did this attacked. Later in the arc with her relic thb and her go to said guild to 1, save angus bc he was poking around there, 2, to get the DREAMSTONE, and 3, for revenge and setting all her old friends free.

The note was something she wrote for herself to be guided by once her memory was erased, and hid it in her pocket. Some of the stuff it said was abt the people she needed to find and how to do that, and also to save johann when the hunger attacks bc johannavi is cannon in this one. She & the other birds also had bracelets that were enchanted to hide their wings. She was the only one besides like lucie/lich Lup&barry that knew she could take it off because the note told her.

She has LOTS of scars from the SC and her time inprisoned by the guild. It kinda unnerves others taht a kid has these many scars. 

She also learned some interesting magic called red lighting but more on that later

And then there’s my ‘unforgetting AU’ where she either purposefully inoculates herself both to fisher and junior to make sure nothing bad happens or is splashed by the grand jelly like Lucretia was. It’s mostly for angst.

And then amnesty stuff:

I have multiple AUs for this one bc I dunno.

There’s ‘it’s me And I got sucked into amnesty but I got monster features’

And ‘an actual sylvan monster kid’

and also ‘me that’s older, develops red lighting (explained lafter ob) and wings and also has a bigass crush on Hollis’

And also that above but Me is from sylvane.

Onto the red lighting explanation:

It’s a power that is very emotionally responsive to stuff like pain, getting suprsied, anger, sadness, etc. it’s hard to control but really freakin powerful. It looks like just red electricity that flows/crackles over the body, or suddenly shocks stuff/people nearby depending on her mood. When it overtakes her/she’s controlling it her eyes glow red (like all of em. Solid red, not just the.. normal-colored-part.) and the lightning trails out of the back, creating a cool effect.

Almost everything is subject to change bc I write this in my head when I’m in bed, and usually don’t write it down in a doc. Phew that was. Long lmao

[halfsplit]

As a nonbinary person ive been really wrestling with the idea of identifying as butch. I see it as a lesbian term though, and I don't want to be disrespectful.

I identify rn as pan, but tbh, as hard as i think i can never really imagine being with a guy. Theres the obvious like, cis men, please, cant trust them with nothin, but ive been really thinking about it and do I find any man dateable? I think lots of men are handsome very clever and lovely, but also i could never imagine dating one.

And i could say the same goes to nonbinary people- but like, ive MET IRL (or rather, had close friendships) with maybe 2 nonbinary people in my life, so it's really hard for me to identify if thats an attraction i have when the nonbinary spectrum is so CRAZY LARGE and my personal interaction with other nonbinary folks so almost 0. I know enough to know IM nonbinary, for sure! But its like.. I have no perspective

Ladies though, man. Ladies are great. Give me all the ladies. Deep down, every lady, id take care and love them forever, ykno? I can say for a FACT that any lady who wants to date id prob give a go. Cant say that with men or nb people. I just know i adore women and think theyre so stunning and worthy of love!

But thats also to say, what if i dated a lady that decided she was a he, or a they, or what you have it. OF COURSE i wouldnt care. Id still love them. I can't really say im a lesbian at all nor want to bc like.. I am NOT a lady and i can never say id only be attracted to ladies. Just, ladies are the easiest for me to find immediate attraction in.

Tho also, like. If i find the perfect man whos gonna stop me (not me)!!

But then again, i have a gf, so i may be biased ykno?

And as for my gender its been complicated.. But they/them is where my roots are and im GENUINELY comfy and happy with that. I've found my intricate ups and downs with gender and it took me years to figure out that im pretty sure im happy with my body (no need for surgery, just maybe t for a few months to knock my voice down a lil among other things).

I do not identify as a woman, and would be offended if i came out to someone and they gendered me as a woman, but as an afab person who isnt seeking a full binary transition, its kinda just the closest? Like if a lesbian saw me and wanted to date me, found out i was nonbinary, and still wanted to date me, i wouldnt be necessarily offended (given they werent a terf or ykno). I wouldnt be like "well your pan now!!". Its hard to explain

Butch seems like a very warm and welcoming identity to me! The empowered control of masculinity in my identity that DOESNT correlate with feelings that i thought were related to a more binary dysphoria. To me it says like "i LOVE women, i LOVE being strong and independent and safe, i want to keep girls safe, i want to top, i want to be me and be handsome, i want to radiate healthy maculinity and dominance (and again, dominance isnt quite the word i think.. But i its the closest i can think of)!"

Also tho, i should keep in mind that a lot of lesbian language is gate kept by TERFS so maybe i shouldnt be so sensitive about wanting to privately give myself language that makes me happy haha

And ALSO

that theres just so little mainstream words for nonbinaries to use. Of course im gonna see stuff from binary people and think wow.. I like this.. Can it be me but just More Blurred

[lollyholly99]

🖊 AS MANY AS YOU WANT

>:3c

Gumm

melted gummy but like not sticky

and yeah she tastes like it too

what flavour? varies

peppy :>

Hotaru

adopted by 2 gays who, in raising her, gave her her traits of ‘smart’ and ‘takes no shit’ in a backstory that I made bc of me joking abt making an ishimondo lovechild

in a less murdery universe? Gifted Kid Syndrome

speedruns professor layton games sometimes

Airi

“I am the Airi I speak for the bees”

flits wildly between “I could eat an entire bucket of honey rn” and “I can’t stand honey blugh”

I think I’ve mentioned it but she keeps 1 bee with her in her suit since he’s a smart boi and they’re best friends

his name changes every time she talks to anyone abt him

has never seen bee movie despite what folks might think

Akiara

gentle precious boy

never fit into regular clothes when he started gettin real tall so his mum started making his clothes

then he learned from her and honed his skills to be. the best

he’s naive but he ain’t no babby and would like to not be treated as such

silently judging your clothing choices but like in a nice way

Chouko

her dad taught her how to aim and made her the girl she is today but that don’t mean she much cared for him or agreed with him when he was alive

adopted her Aesthetic to overcompensate for people’s initial impressions of her being the ultimate marksman

has no impulse control over her mouth like if she thinks it she can and will say it

Isamu

look at me about to call my boy out over his cool dude facade

the shades he wears are a lie he’s not cool

he’s only able to act that way bc the shades put a major damper on his anxiety

he’s a stuttering shaky mess talking to anyone face to face without em

the beanie and scarf are extra precautions so he can hide away

he like. really wants Mayu to act in one of his films

“yes I’m known for my critically acclaimed movies. yes Pixar’s Cars 2 is among my favourite movies. what of it”

Kouta

tiny and takes advantage of that

doesn’t need to be big to frighten folks w/ his death talk

keeps his mask and gloves with him so he’s ready for dead bodies at any moment

Mayu

2nd youngest of her numerous siblings

realised she was good at acting at some point and started doing it seriously so she could get the attention she wanted from her family

the epitome of celebrities going on talk shows or w/e and being Oh So Awkward And Quirky And Nerdy

she’s not nearly as shy as she makes herself out to be I’ll spoil that

Momoko

Inferiority Complex

tsundere but like. in a friendship way

adores Umeko tho she’d never push her away

if only she thought her own talent was as cool as her sister’s or even anyone else’s :)))

she’s the one who thought to get her and Umeko the matching hairclips but she won’t admit it

and she won’t admit to knitting gifts for her friends by her own free will either

“I had some excess wool left over that I had to get rid of and I guessed no-one else would want this so here take it”

immune to non-talent-related insults

Morten

he’s a big A-Ha reference like Nirvana to Sonia Nevermind adsdffhj

Morten --> Morten Harket, Lycantear --> Cry Wolf, Hunhalow --> Hunting High And Low

speaking of Sonia he can’t stand the girl

the relationship between their kingdoms is. tense.

isn’t fond of the idea that he’s like. following after her in going to HPA

wants to be a good role model to his little siblings and also his people

Noburu

Sad

ultimate mathematician too but keeps his comedian title as the public one

thinks that comedy can be calculated and that’s the basis on which he writes his shows

keeps going out of sheer spite

he feels like giving up sometimes but then he gets a comment on one of his social media pages that’s like “your jokes suck kys” and decides uhh no thanks

V different on stage compared to irl

Ren

he got low self esteem bc his friends ignored tf out of him all through his life so he just kinda took from that that he doesn’t matter :))))))

disaster gay

as in ‘please send help i want to smooch everyone i meet’

can guess your kinks from a mile away

I can’t believe I accidentally stole Gwenpool’s hair for him ;;;;;

Sachiko

trash baby

maybe her charms work? maybe they don’t? even she doesn’t know but she’s not gonna say that

fate does seem to be in her favour tho

sleep? what’s that

Takara

sexual orientation: “me”

has an Illness

who knows what it is

what we do know is pls don’t take his mask off or he will Die in like a minute

has never not skated anywhere

official title is ultimate figure skater but pls he does any and every kind of skating be it ice, roller, skateboarding, w/e

do Not bring up certain figure skating anime around him. for your own sake

Tarou

works at the family bakery

makes some tastey cakes

and rly likes decoratin em

big sweetie but. he got a super short temper

likes his clothes comfy

Umeko

rowdy gal

can’t help rushing into anything and everything and continually gets herself (physically) hurt over it

sunshine baby

lovs Momoko with all her heart

teases her sister over her sour attitude whenever she can

outs her “left over wool” lie every single time “nope she wanted to make something nice for you because she cares abt you!!!

how,,, do those glasses stay intact

Yaulmi

Lovs human culture

wait what do you mean there’s more than one

they love humans’ ideas of what aliens might be like wow! haha! that’s what i am! but it’s completely wrong! wow cool!

buys any alien related merch they see

upon being questioned abt gender they don’t understand??? there ain’t no gender in space

but they do some research and they like the idea of girls so they lean into that