#and it’s so weird bc. they made it a point that her mom’s less well off post-divorce and refuses to take money from the dad

[littlestpersimmon]

Hey I saw on twitter that you went to Elemental and that it's bad. I was planning on taking my lil sister to it but I'd rather not if it has a bunch of racist shit in it (we're from Singapore). Is it like really really bad?

it's got that formulaic pixar/disney thing going on that the moment the fire girl, Ember, said "Elements cant mix" I legit, out-loud groaned because I knew where it was headed. Music was good, but thats about the only good thing I can unfortunately say about it.

The fire people were distinctly asian, from the way the dad spoke, the music when the fire people appeared.. and the way they were dressed.. and they arrived in a boat to a place that was vaguely fantasy america. The first scene with the fire family was the mom and dad telling this guy at the gates their names, and the ticket guy who was "earth" couldn't pronounce it, and just gave them english names, literally english names, and its played as a joke. The fire family goes around the city looking for an apartment to live in, and everyone shuts their doors on their faces- There was a weird apartheid vibe going on bcos all the other elementals got along, earth, air and water all lived in the same glowing city, while people who were fire lived downtown, and at one point, the camera kind of pans out to show you how wildly different the environment is between fire people and like. The rest of the elements- the racial divide is even more apparent when Ember is in the city outside the fire city bc everyone is colored with cool colors while Ember is often the only thing in frame thats colored warm. It's the typical story where asian culture, which is unfortunately homogenized in this movie, is presented as oppressive, painful, and nothing more than a prop that needs to assimilate to american values-

Ember goes with Wade, the water guy, into the water city, where everything is naturally hostile to her, Wade's family is racist towards Ember, and uncomfortable scenes like "wow, you speak the language so well" is played off for laughs;

Ember's family flees the fire country because of a nebulous storm cloud that is never explained or elaborated on, And the movie never addresses WHY people from the global south flee their homes, it presents the global south as being extremely hostile to the point that people are made to believe that the only option is a slightly less hostile world where everything is alien and people are naturally flippant and dismissive at best, and openly racist at worst.

Throughout the movie, Ember goes into Wade's world and meets people who call her slurs, walks into cities that are naturally dangerous for her to exist in, even in Wade's home she can't step on the floor because there's water everywhere, but its expected of her to just accept this as the way things will be if she is going to date a guy who is not a part of her world- The story ends with Ember leaving her family, and her family's convenience store totally gentrified- as it is with so many stories surrounding asians who immigrate- in everything everywhere all at once, with turning red, with shorts like Bao- The other side of "two worlds story" is never addressed, the side that is trying to grapple with a post colonial world is seen as old fashioned, filled with pain, antiquated and oppressive- The people who are functionally white in these stories are never once asked to unlearn their preconceived notions about the people they have oppressed. Why should they? - it is, fundamentally, a story of assimilation.

[playgrl0]

mine / baji

part 1

a/n: u might catch diabetes bc of how cute this is idk be careful lol

you're currently getting ready for your date with baji. you're really nervous because you've been friends for such a long time and you've liked him since the beginning. who the fuck are you kidding? you love this boy. you know he likes you too, he's confessed about a million times to you already. you always rejected him for the most basic reason ever; you don't wanna ruin your friendship. he just means so, so much to you and you'd never wanna lose him over something as stupid as a relationship issue. but let's forget about all that. that's in the past now. baji will be here any second now to pick you up. he told you to wear something comfortable so that's what you're wearing. you're checking yourself out one last time in the mirror when you receive a text. "im outside, babe." you roll your eyes at the text and reply "not your babe." with a smile. you walk out of your apartment and there he is, looking beautiful as ever. "you'll be my babe by the end of the night." he says in reply to your text. he walks over to you and holds his hand out for you. "may i?" you nod your head and let him take his warm hand into yours. "so, where are you taking me?" "to your favorite place." he grins. "but i just left my bedroom." he rolls his eyes and mutters a quiet "idiot" under his breath. "you'll see." you both keep walking, hands intertwined together, his thumb softly rubbing the back of your hand. the walk there was comfortable, quiet and peaceful.

"you didn't forget." you quietly, almost breathlessly speak up when you reach the place baji was taking you. a beautiful park with the most beautiful sea. the moon and the stars are shining bright and are reflecting in the water, some ducks are still swimming, others are sleeping already. baji takes out a blanket from his backpack, spreads it out onto the grass and pulls you down next to him. "i could never forget." he softly smiles at you. this place is where you and baji met each other years ago for the first time, where you became friends. you'd meet up there almost everyday just to hangout. it quickly became your safe place and a place where you'd go to when you weren't feeling well. whenever he couldn't find you, he knew you'd be there and he'd keep you company to cheer you up. over the years you two came here less and less due to being busy with other things and life being crazy. baji takes your soft hand in his once again and looks at you. "i could never forget the place where i met my best friend and fell in love with her." heat spreads over your face and you look away from him. he does it all the time, confess his feelings to you, but you'll probably never get tired of hearing it. he takes your chin between his fingers and makes you look at him again. "stop being shy around me, it's so weird, get your shit together and man up." he smirks. "shut the fuck up." you slap his hand away. "well, i hope you're hungry. mom made a few snacks for us." he says and pulls everything out the backpack and places it in front of you two. "oh, and–" he pulls out a small vase and a few hand picked flowers, places them in the vase and sets it in front of you as well. "keisuke, you are the cheesiest motherfucker ever." you giggle and he smirks, knowing that you absolutely love it.

after you're done eating and put everything away, you're both laying on your backs and staring up at the sky. baji has your hand on his stomach and softly plays with your fingers while you keep pointing out the brightest stars to him. "i like that one." he speaks up and points at another star. "yeah? why?" he turns his head to look at you. "because it's clearly the brightest and prettiest one up there. it reminds me of myself." you shake your head at him, laughing and he chuckles as well. "but you remind me of this–" he points his finger at the beautiful, bright full moon and your jaw slightly opens at that. he sits up and pulls you up with him, takes both your hands into his and takes a deep breath before he continues. "see how the moon's lighting up the sky despite how fuckin' dark it is right now? you're like my own personal full moon, y/n. you light up my darkest days and make them better. you've always done that, since the very first time we met. and if i'm not having a bad day, you're just there to shine bright and look beautiful, all for me." he puts one of his warm hands against your slightly hot cheek and rubs his thumb over it. "keisuke, i–" "shh! i've told you so many times already how much i like you and i meant it every single time. i need you in my life as more than just my best friend. i need you to be mine and only mine. i want you all to myself. you're on my mind every day. i dream about you at night and when i can't sleep, i think about you. you're driving me crazy in the most beautiful way possible and you make me feel like im going insane and my heart will fall out of my ass everytime you look at me. you giggle as a small tear runs down your cheek and he quickly rubs it away with his thumb. "i mean it, y/n. im so, so in love with you. i love you so much it almost hurts." he takes a deep breath before he continues.

"be mine. please be my girlfriend." he breathes out. you can't do anything but just stare at him. he looks beautiful. his cheeks slightly flushed, his eyes slightly glassy, plump beautiful lips in between his teeth because of how nervous he is and some strands of his gorgeous hair covering his face because of the slight wind. you sigh out and put the hair strands behind his ears. "keisuke, i-." "god, please say yes!" he interrupts you. "i promised mom i'd make you mine tonight, if i come back home and tell her you said no she'll think i fucked up and she'll literally beat my ass–" "baji, let me–" "–and i can't take another beating. do you know how strong that woman is?? and you know how scary she is when she gets angry–" "kei, shut the fuck–" "–she looks like an angel from the outside but she's evil y/n. evil. and i'm scar–" you can't take his rambling anymore. you take your face in his hands and smash your lips against his to shut him up. his eyes widen and it takes him a second to register what just happened. he closes his eyes, finally moves his lips against yours and pulls you in closer by the back of your neck. "finally" you both think. both of your hearts are beating so fast right now, they might jump out of your rib cages if you don't be careful. you're both running out of air but it feels too good to pull away, you've waited years for this very moment. how many times have you imagined his lips against yours? how many times have you imagined how good it would feel? all your imaginations can't compare to how this feels. it feels a million times better than you could've ever imagined. his soft, slightly chapped lips. his warm, minty breath. his teeth nibbling on your bottom lip. his hands pulling you closer and closer against him. everything about it, about him, feels so right. so safe.

you both pull away at the same time and stare into each other's eyes and he brushes a few strands of hair behind your ears. "'s that a yes?" he smirks. "you're so annoying." you groan out and hide your face in the crook of his neck. he chuckles, pulls your face away from his neck so he can look at you again. "i need a proper answer babe."

"im yours, keisuke."

he can't contain his smile and pulls you into another short but sweet kiss, then into a tight hug. "im so happy, y/n. i won't disappoint you. i'll take good care of you and your heart." "i trust you." you reply. "i love you keisuke." you peck his lips and he happily sighs out. "i love you more. and thank you for saving me from another beating from mom."

<3 @ playgrl0

[tododeku-or-bust]

Imma tag it with TW child abuse so don't hit me with no anon saying "Can you tag your suffering with child abuse" this time!

I think what always makes it weird for me to think about my childhood as abuse is that my parents were not bad providers. Like when we think of the basic role of a parent, it's for the kid to survive. And they (mostly my Mom) did that; I didn't go hungry, I didn't go without. Might have had to deal with snotty kids picking on my clothes and lack of toys, and I had to work my way through college, but i had water to wash with and a nice house. As far as the outside world goes, I turned out great bc I had a great start.

And they were loving! I think that's what made it... So confusing. I love my parents. Like, my parents are very affectionate people! They're not stupid, they enjoy fun, played videogames and sang songs and read, and they generally loved us. But that shit felt so... Conditional. Like for every moment I felt like I was being loved, I felt like I had to do something to maintain it. Get good grades, be pretty, never do anything wrong.

That's why I pretty much hated my folks from age 10 to about 21. It was a constant battle, a "you're not existing and believing the way I want you to", to the point that we had bruising, blood spilling fights, many of which to this day I think about and am filled with the same murderous rage. Then my dad got depressed bc the economy and started becoming an incel right as I hit teendom, so THAT made it far worse.

and I would be pissed as hell at my mom bc she acted like that shit between me and my dad was equivalent. "You both have the same volatile temper", "I'll send him to prison and you to foster care", "stop being disobedient", "stop opening your fucking mouth" bruh I was 15 and 110 and my father was a 200+ grown man. ONE OF US is the REAL issue here and it ain't me 🤣🤣 like to this day I hear the word 'disobedient' and I wanna choke somebody.

(My dad was more physical, my mom blew up sometimes but it was more words with her. She would get pissed bc she'd cite how her mother was meaner to her and I'd be like "take that up with her then")

Fun story, I was about 12 when I realized that they could beat me all they want and it didn't make me any less right or their actions any less wrong 🤣. I think it was after realizing that sometimes they'd just... fight me. Bruh. I was INSUFFERABLE after that. "But are you gone beat my ass" personified. Like yeah I was dead but boy you gone feel hurt bc imma tear your soul up. 🤷🏾‍♀️

And idk. I wasn't a bad kid. I did well in school, had hobbies, wasn't on drugs or alcohol. A little boy crazy. Mouthy, when defensive. Pushing boundaries, often. But that's what teenagers do. They're supposed to. They were the fucking adults. And now I got fucking PTSD and shit all bc they couldn't acknowledge their own traumas and attempt actually communicating with their kid like a human being.

But EYE went to therapy, so now I got healthy options 👍🏾 that emotional intelligence and maturity is on LOCK in comparison to them. The "great person" is because of ME.

[strawbrygashez]

Lots of hcs for HS fc au bc I’m bored :3

•Tyler eventually ends up spending most of his days at Jacks house. It’s less hectic, Jacks mom is like the mom he never had, he loves jack (dUH), and is allowed to act more like himself there. Tylers mom doesn’t care at all that much that Tyler is never home. Tyler never tells her where he goes/stays.

•Tyler was the one who got the most attached first. He follows him around everywhere and picks on him. It takes Jack a while to realize Tylers ‘picking’ is just him trying to play around with him and his way of initial way of interacting with him. As time goes by Tyler gets more kind & thoughtful (he will forever be a bit of a jerk tho)

•Jack is friends with Marla before Tyler. Marla and Jack are outcasts so they ended up hanging out together. Well more like Marla started talking to him because she noticed he’s always by himself too.. and she liked how weird he is like Tyler likes as well.

•Marla doesn’t trust Tyler at all at first because Tyler runs with the more popular crowd & he used to make Jack actually a little annoyed with the teasing so she’s confused why Tyler all the sudden is always joined at Jacks hip.

It’s only when Jack starts talking really fondly of Tyler or she can start seeing for herself he has no bad intentions, she will start to care less and less about Tyler being around.

I think Tyler would take a slight interest in her too since she’s probably the only goth person he’s met

(💀 honestly it’s just funny thinking about how Jack was like •_• and never bothered anyone but two people (Tyler & Marla) just randomly decided they wanted to be a part of this quiet guys life.)

•oh yeah, I feel like this should take place in a town that’s like.. u drive out and ur in the country but the schools more into the city. Marla is in the city near Jack while Tyler is in a trailer park. This AU would probably be late 90s early 00s too.

•Tyler abandons his friend group for Marla and Jack because he loves how those two aren’t suck ups like his old usual friends are & just finds himself having really interesting conversations with them both. He finds comfort in knowing those two think like him… well he still tries to push more of his opinions on life and whatnot onto them but they at least truly listen and Marla slightly argues back and points out the flaws in what he’s saying/argues back a bit. (She agrees with him on most things but yknow how Tyler can get a little too extreme lol)

•Tyler thought the two would leave him after his first real bad manic episode around them but they don’t. Marla might be kinda pissed if he did something dangerous or said something really rude and Jack might as well but they assure him it’s nothing. Jack & Marla are ‘messed up in the head’ as well so they can’t really say anything. They just empathize with him.

It scares him a bit that it doesn’t make them leave him bc that’s what he’s used to :,/ and he knows sometimes he really screws up so he doesn’t get why they won’t leave.. because he really cares about them.

•After Tyler just leaves all his old friends for Marla & Jack, Those three become that group in school. People probably have made up names for them all or a made up name for the group in general. But it never really gets back to them that often because people still hold respect for Tyler.. it’s just stupid dramatic teen crap.

•Tyler is really good at sports while Marla will just sit out no matter what Tyler says unless it’s something like super easy. Jack on the other hand joins in no matter what if Tyler tells him to. Tyler tells him he needs to get some muscle and stamina because he’s built like a stick.

Tyler won’t do certain things if he doesn’t feel like it though, he’ll just walk those mile long track things with Marla with Jack on his back because Jack is exhausted and not fit at all to walk or run for so long.

•Besides exercise and fighting Jack, Tyler also likes taking pictures and learning guitar around this time. He takes classes where he can do both. He’ll hunt down Marla & Jack during school so he can take pictures of them for the year book even though both will tell him they don’t want extra pictures in it :/ after enough complaining or pushing by Tyler they agree though.

Jack knows how to play the guitar some and they’ll teach each other things they learn :3

•Tyler and Marla are protective of Jack. Jack doesn’t really realize he’s being messed with unless it’s like very clearly obvious so they both have a eye out for him.

•At their final prom as their final F U to the school, Marla wears a tux while Jack wears a dress :D because there isn’t much point of anyone saying anything to them when everyone is going their separate ways soon and probably won’t see these three again. Tyler won’t shut up about how badass it is that they dressed up like that.

[forgottenamira]

OOC | Amira & Marian

gah, talk abt complicated alkdsjflkjdsf even if both these ladies were total angels (unfortunately, amira is however a demon alksdjfskljdf) are in an objectively difficult situation no question lakjsdafkljdsjf

but yes as i mentioned...amira is the worst so unfrotunately that only makes the whole thing worSE!! our girl amira frankly resented marian from the word go, too, bc she'd only been married abt a year when marian started moving in on her man (aka the man she was already sharing bc she'd done the same thing to his prev wife lkajsfkljsdf)

to be blunt, amira does NOT love or even care abt roderick!!! she's literally planning to kill him someday when it suits her!!!! lakjsdfkljsdjf but roderick is incredibly useful to her!!!! tho significantly less useful if he 1) can't give her a baby and 2) is having babies w other women instead!!!!!!!! like, the whole reason she married roderick was to ensure that she'd someday be the emperor's mother, and here this idiot goes bringing other wives home when he's only given amira a single YEAR's chance to try and conceive. talk about inconsiderate smdh alksjdfklsjdfkdjf

so yeah, the point is, it really isn't even personal but amira ~instantly loathed marian she was a muchhh bigger fly in the ointment to amira, initially, than even the empress bc she started popping out kids before amira did, and those kids were, worst of all, boys!!!!

still, she'll never hurt marian and ill tell you why but it requires some backstory. so i hc that amira actually poisoned the empress to death when -- tho she hadn't formally announced it to the world yet -- she found out she was pregnant again and amira was like 'i can't risk her having a son bc she has precedence over me and that's what im bsing edmund's claim on' so yeah she killed her, but then roderick was so woe begone and shattered by her death that amira was like 'huh i just made guin's claim stronger, didn't i?' and so she's def not willing to risk roderick having a smiliar reaction, should anything happen to marian.

as a result, she despises her, but she's also like 'did you have all your peas? drink all your milk? you WILL stay healthy, dammit!' but all while poisnoning her on the dl to keep her from carrying a baby again lakjsflkjsdfkj so yeah i feel like there's just a whole lot of weirdness here!!1 amira also sort of...goes on jags where she's by turns kind to or rude to marian's kids, bc sometimes if, say, sebastian or arthur is dueling edmund, amira'll go over and bandage and clean their cuts and touch their face and say v gently 'my, you're doing so well, my sweet boy. won't you try just a little harder? you're so brave, i know you help your brother grow strong, and he needs you right now to help him. will you do it?' etc or else she'll snipe and sneer at them in a corridor just bc they stepped on her hem or whatever and like alksjdfkljdsfj

basically it all comes down to what serves her and edmund most. she believes the rivalry between their sons strengthens edmund, but she also believes that he'll need to kill them someday bc she's known there would be a war from the moment marian announced to the family that she was w child honestly lakjsdaflkjsdfkj

i do also think they're v different women, too -- they both aim to be good moms, yknow, but they go abt it in as opposite a way as you possibly ~can yknow? and marian seems to have this romantic streak, whereas amira is all clear-cut practicality, and amira struggles w emotions, feeling them, expressing them, understanding them in others etc, whereas marian seems like she's v attuned to those things in others? like...they just seem like this study in contrasts to me? so i feel like there's lots we could make out of that!!

akslfjksjdf idk!! but im excited to explore them heehee <3

[phantomofthehoepera]

PLEASE i wanna know all your hcs about the largo siblings and their moms

YAYY OKAY LOTS OF STUFF UNDER THE CUT <3

so basically I've just made a bunch of shit up bc we don't get a lot in the movie and I like to have fun and be myself. none of it is based off like the weird semi-canon myspace stuff I've heard abt?? if there are similarities they are pure coincidence bc I'm not reading all that god bless.

so for the moms they unfortunately still don't have names so I'm just gonna call them by their colours love and light. I've talked abt them before here but the short version of the story is they, along with marni and mag, were in an opera troupe and caught rotti's interest. they sort of just formed a social circle which nathan was also part of bc like idk college besties or something idk. rotti married red and had luigi, after which red was like you know what I'm kinda craving some nathan and left him. during one of her visits luigi killed her not like with ill intent or whatever bc he was like 5 but still he did fully murder her. rotti, not knowing a warning when he saw one, married blue and they had amber, and then blue was like you know what red was absolutely right I also want some nathan in my life and also left rotti. blue was the least well off of the opera troupe, though, and had some unpaid geneco bill lying around so she got repoed. rotti was still determined to have an opera wife so he married ourple and they had pavi and once again one of rotti's wives left him for nathan at which point he was like you know what if this ever fucking happens again that is IT I am DONE. also ourple died badly from a parasite bc me and my friend had just watched venom when we came up with this. at this point rotti married marni and we all know the rest

AS FOR THE KIDS I think luigi would basically always have been pretty unstable so he wouldn't have been put in the spotlight as much as a kid. also if you've seen a lot of my repo art you might have noticed I draw him with this big scar over his forehead which is bc in my brainverse at some point rotti would have had him undergo some sort of brain surgery in an attempt to calm him down a bit tho I can't imagine it worked at all. also think that basically from that point rotti was basically set on at the very least not letting luigi inherit and probably a bit doubtful of his other kids already

I picture amber and pavi being closer in age and like somewhat closer at least for the first few years of their lives. also I feel so strongly that rotti would have given them like ALL the spotlight just to balance off how little the public would have gotten to see of luigi, so I always picture them as basically child stars. when the novelty of being talented kids started wearing off and the public got a little less interested in them I think amber took it the hardest which is why she's so insistent on returning to the opera when mag quits

also with the kids I wanna stress I don't imagine any of this in my head to make them more sympathetic I think in the present they are all horrid bitches and deserve the guillotine but I am also a fan of succession so I was kind of primed to make up a lot of rich person lore sorry :(

[minorfamilysupremacy]

this post is largely for @therealblessedaffliction bc i can’t stop thinking about that scene on the balcony between gun and vegas, so:

when you rewatch that scene, it is so immediately apparent how deep the abuse goes, and how fucked up it is that gun is tasking his son with this mission. gun knows full well who porsche is and what kind of political points securing porsche’s loyalties/affections would net him. it’s possibly one of the most vile things he does, which is saying something considering everything else he does onscreen, because this isn’t using vegas as a way to secure a business deal or otherwise benefit the minor family in some way. this is all personal and a way to strike back at korn. 

the weird thing is that while pete is correct that gun beats vegas because he feels like he’s a disappointment and he needs to take out his own pain on his son, he’s not entirely correct. gun also beats vegas because he needs to strip vegas of his humanity. if he’s broken enough, he’s easier to control/manipulate into doing the family’s dirty business because he can be bought off with the idea of approval and praise. he can be warped into thinking his entire value to the family, and indeed as a person, is tied to what he can do or bring to the table. he is not valuable as a person; he is valuable as a weapon or attack dog. (’everyone just knows i’m vegas from the minor family’ is a hell of a line because no one sees vegas as a person. ‘vegas from the minor family’ is shorthand for a ruthless, violent specter who will kill without remorse. less of a person than an idea.)

gun would have started this early, back when vegas was small enough to be at his most malleable psychologically, because it would have been less work than trying to break a child old enough to have gotten a backbone or willpower. (how much influence his mom had on trying to avoid this, i’m not sure, because i don’t know how old vegas was when she died. we do know that gun has nothing but malice for her, though -- ‘you’re just as stupid as your mother’ -- and that line suggests that vegas was close to her. it’s very obviously chosen as a line gun knows will hurt vegas to the core.) he couldn’t be initiated into a lot of the very, very dirty work -- torture, contract killings, etc -- until he was a little older, but i have zero doubt he was witness to things very early just to desensitize him and make sure he had no illusions about his future. immersing him in all of this would have been only a practical decision (writing those words made my skin crawl), but also would have been a great abuse tool because it would have isolated vegas from his peers. by virtue of being a theerapanyakul, he already would have had a certain degree of isolation, but then making sure he doesn’t ever breathe a word of his horrific home life to the kids around him? yeah, that’s a breeding ground for an angry, lonely kid who will never learn to form connections. maybe he had a close relationship with his cousins, but maybe not! it’s impossible to tell from what we’re given. (what we know: 1) as adults, they fucking hate each other; 2) korn and gun have a vested interest in sowing discord between the families to keep up the competitive edge. to me, any potential childhood closeness would have been snuffed out as the kids got older when they needed to be more fully slotted into their future roles.)

so from a very young age, vegas would have been taught to distrust, judge, and keep his distance from others. human kindness, frailty, weakness -- those aren’t things he would be allowed to indulge in. he would have had to crush out whatever emotions weren’t practical for survival.

the dehumanization is already underway. strip a little kid of the safety and support they need to grow and thrive and you’re giving them an unstable sense of self and damaging their ability to self-soothe because they don’t learn that skill without guidance. constantly being in danger of abuse is going to keep vegas in constant fight-or-flight mode. he would live only for the recognition and praise of others, because he had nothing of his own to fall back on. gun’s approval, or lack thereof, would shape how he viewed himself as a person.

any kid is going to grow up inherently and instinctively craving love and affection. it’s just how humans are wired. if they aren’t receiving it, though, that’s where they can branch out into any of a hundred different maladaptive coping mechanisms. in vegas’ case, he was given the tool of violence and a half-formed hope of approval. and a lot of abuse victims become violent not only bc they’re mirroring their abuser’s actions (which, obviously, vegas does do), but also because violence is control and it gives them the illusion they’ve asserted some power over their lives. he did not choose to become violent in a vacuum; gun systematically dismantled him as a person and then, in a sick fucking gesture of ‘assistance,’ gave him a path forward by making him a killing machine. and best of all, vegas can’t even see himself as human, so seeing the humanity in others is almost an impossibility. he’s perfect for what gun needs him to be, not that gun would let him know that because it would undo all the work he put into molding vegas for his own ends.

everything vegas knows of human nature and humanity is based on observation, but what he’s observed (and been a victim of) is how to break people. how to spot and exploit weaknesses. he knows how to wheel and deal, he knows how to get people to talk, he knows how to unravel someone and bring them to their knees. he knows how to see people the way other people see him -- zeroing in on what’s valuable about them, like information or influence, and discarding the rest. (look at the infamous ‘head, chest, or heart’ scene from episode 14. porsche and vegas have shared a quasi-friendship at various points throughout the series, but when it comes to this moment, porsche isn’t a person, he’s an easy way to hurt kinn.)

and part of the reason vegas is good at this is not just because he’s violent. yeah, a lot of guys are gonna talk if you rip out their cochlea. but that doesn’t always work! the torture briefcase is not made for the boardroom. you need a lighter, defter touch for that. you need diplomacy.

or, if you’re a theerapanyakul, you just need a vulnerable teenage boy you’re comfortable sacrificing. 

how often did gun pimp vegas out? the novel might say, who knows. i have a feeling it was a lot. for all we know, it’s still happening up until gun’s death. but what better way to show off your broken vanity project than to serve him up to god-knows-how-many powerful men in bangkok and, frankly, probably in plenty of other places as well. vegas is a beautiful man; he would have been a beautiful kid, with that delicate bone structure and that bottomless desire to please. and when he’s, what, 14, 15, 16 (again, vomiting while i write it), he’s a wonderful target for powerful men who want to feel young and in control. if he fights it, it’s more satisfying to break him; if he gives in, he can be easily reshaped into what they best desire. and gun condoned it. korn condoned it. (and if tensions hadn’t already broken the main and minor cousins apart, this would sure do it.) it gets them results; it provides an easy source of blackmail if someone tries to get out of line.

and best of all, it reinforces everything gun has been telling vegas his entire life! it continues to tie his value to what he can do and not who he is, it isolates him, it dehumanizes him and strips him of agency, and it provides more evidence to support a bleak, nihilistic outlook. gun’s outsourcing the abuse to supplement what he’s dishing out. and korn’s condoning it deepens the rift between the two families, thus ensuring that the rivalry won’t sputter out any time soon. (he pours so much poison into the ears of his family and associates, too. pete saying korn isn’t cruel isn’t intentionally malicious by any stretch, but he could have dealt less damage by directly stabbing vegas in the heart. ‘isn’t my fucking life because of this?’ isn’t just about being in hiding; it’s about how within the confines of the theerapanyakul family, he’s always been the most convenient scapegoat for their worst offenses.)

BUT. but! vegas is incredibly resilient. he weathers, quite frankly, an unimaginable amount of shit through his life and yet, as we see in the safehouse, he has kept that terrified, lonely inner child safe all these years. it’s battered and fragile, but still reacts to pete’s gentle -- and perhaps unintentional? -- coaxing. this is different from the side of himself he shows to macau, because with macau, he has to be a caretaker and protector. obviously, with pete, he still engages in caretaker behaviors, but he has an admittedly VERY warped perception of them as more of emotional equals. (it, of course, takes pete losing his shit at vegas for vegas to realize how many of the dehumanizing behaviors he’s been subjected to are now being passed to pete. it genuinely doesn’t occur to him until pete is sobbing and bleeding profusely how hurtful his actions are because he’s normalized them so fucking much over the years. he had no choice, of course, but say it with me AGAIN: intent does not negate impact.)

both actions -- pete’s bringing vegas’ humanity to light, and vegas’ realization of how hurtful denying pete’s humanity is -- come back to one very simple point: gun lost. even before he ended up dead in the main house, he’d failed at one of his life’s most crucial missions, which was to make his son the perfect weapon to destroy the main family. he spent vegas’ entire life abusing him on every conceivable level, only to have someone come into vegas’ life and realize that not every piece of him had been irreparably broken. the delicious irony is that gun trained vegas to build wall after wall and shut out person after person, but in the end, it was those same walls that allowed vegas to keep his truest, most honest self safe. gun wanted to make his son a weapon of war, and he did. he just forgot that a shield can be a weapon, too.

[my-castles-crumbling]

hi! i’m really conflicted about some stuff happening with my dad rn and i know that you help a lot of people and give them advice so i figured id ask an unbiased opinion. (also sorry if it doesn’t make a lot of sense or is super long this is like a 3 or 4 year long story that has grown into this i’m trying to summerize as best i can)

so i never had a really good relationship with my father even as a little kid (i’m in middle school now) and in and he always had a better relationship with my two sisters esp my older sister. my parents got divorced at the beginning of covid and that didn’t help our relationship at all bc the way my dad acted after it. (also just for context we spent the week at my moms and did every other weekend with my dad) my parents told me and my sisters that they were getting divorced in september (which we were told months or even a year later that had been in the works since the spring) and my dad had a new girlfriend by march. which i questioned a little at the time but i had the mindset “as long as my dads happy”. and them dating wasn’t that bad it was just really weird. bc my dads girlfriend has kids and ones my age the others my younger sisters and the others a year older than my older sister. so when we would go to their house we were expected to spend time with them while my dad and his girlfriend spent time together. which was fine for the first few year or so till it felt like we spent every waking hour at my dads house with them. after we told our dad that we didn’t want to spend as much time with them about six months later he told us that he “asked his girlfriend and her kids if they want to move in with him and how would you girls feel about that” which was an immediate problem bc his girlfriend started acting different with us at that point and she stopped talking to us (not completely ignoring us but just stopped having conversations with us and just kinda changed) and we told our dad about it and he just said something along the lines of oh i’m sure that’s not what she meant to do. me and all my sisters said something along the lines of we aren’t comfortable with that and we don’t really know them that well and all stuff along that line. when we went to bed that night i distinctly remember my little sister saying something along the lines of please don’t we aren’t comfortable with them moving in and my dad basically said “they’ve had it worse” and i’m not saying they don’t have a hard life bc their parents are also divorced and they don’t talk to their  dad but that was my dads answer for a lot of things in the future and that stuck out to me. by the time they moved in to my dads house my dads girlfriend didn’t talk to us at all. she would completely ignore us if we made conversation with her or asked her about like anything. i still went to my dads weekend even tho when they moved in it felt like my dad started caring less and less about us with just the little things he would do. about halfway through the summer (for context they moved in at the beginning of the summer) i stopped going to my dads house bc it was a toxic environment and i knew my mom supported me and wanted what was best for me and it felt like my dad didn’t bc while i know he did he never stood up for me or made decisions that made it a better environment for me and my sisters to be in. my sisters still went but every time they would come back from his weekends they would bring back stories of what happened. the absolute final straw was when they came to family camp weekend (for context my extended family goes to our camp the same weekend every fall) and it’s not the fact that they were there bc at that point they had been to many vacations with my cousins and my dad and us but what they did while they were there. they were rude to is all weekend and my dad turned a blind eye and wouldn’t stick up for his kids. after that i went out of contact with my dad except for when he would text me. now it’s come to a point when he went text me for a month straight then randomly will txt me out of the blue like nothings happened. am i being really unreasonable for wanting to block him or am i not overreacting. bc most days i feel like it’s a valid decision but some days i think i’m blowing things out of proportion and convince myself it wasn’t really that bad you’re just dramatic. 

Hi hon!

I think that this is unfortunately a really common thing with divorced parents. Kids feel ignored or replaced, and their feelings aren’t often taken into account. Adults feel entitled to make their own decisions without thinking about their children. It’s frustrating and hurtful, and parents don’t often realize what they’ve done until later in life.

I think that taking space from someone who hurt you isn’t unreasonable. I’ve had to do the same thing with my mom. As long as you’ve tried to express to your dad how you’re feeling, then you’ve done all you can do, and putting yourself in that situation isn’t what’s best for you. You don’t owe him a relationship if he’s hurting you.

I do have to say though- I am biased. As I said, I’ve had to do that with my mom.

I’m naming you dad anon if you want to write again.

[xaeyrnofnbe]

i have a controversial jrwi riptide opinion,,, i’ve been holding it in for so long,,,,,, jay redesign enjoyers beware, these are my unfiltered thoughts and there are many of them

i dislike jay ferin’s redesign SO MUCH

it has some good elements

the tattoos are sick as hell

her hair being down has some nice symbolism, even if it’s less practical

the necklace with the little gems is. really sweet actually

but the rest is WEIRD and FLOWS POORLY and is LESS PIRATEY EVEN THOUGH CONDI SAID HE WANTED HER DESIGN TO BE MORE PIRATEY.

rhudhdhfhfhfjjf. i ranted about this to my mom last night (bc she’s very fun to talk to about the things i like. conversations with her are also always very constructive) and i think she brought up some interesting points!! i don’t agree with all of them, but she had the right idea!

she DID say that jay was just like. showing too much skin? i think the exact word she used was skanky. this one i’ve gotta disagree with: all the redesigns are showing more skin. and also it’s just. not a bad thing overall

HOWEVER it did highlight the fact that her redesign is just more… i hesitate to say sexualized, but that’s the word that comes to mind. much of it doesn’t feel like character development so much as…… well, just kinda emphasizing her curves and chest.

the design also is just… not very strong? and doesn’t read at all like it should. i look at her and the first impression i get is “hot lady” when i should be getting “pirate captain, inventor/tinkerer, ex-soldier”. there’s not a lot of creative shapes or colors, it’s all just a little bland? overall? underwhelming is a better word, i guess.

my mom did suggest a few changes, very few of them made sense, but the main one i understood from her waterfall of words was to keep the original shirt, or something like it (a dress shirt with some ruffles definitely reads as pirate better than… what is that, a modern tank top?) but have it be sleeveless, and open in the back so that it still shows off the tattoos.

i also thought the corset was a… weird choice. for character design, corsets can be very fun! but the design for the one she’s wearing is just. kinda weird. there’s no support happening for anything there. idk it just bugs me.

there are soooo many things about the design i don’t like or don’t care for. and i don’t really know what to do instead or how to fix it but!!! i’m getting my opinion out there for the world (jrwiblr) to see.

and like. i guess i’m just really frustrated at the like. wasted potential? ultimately this all isn’t that big of a deal and doesn’t really affect how i view the show or the character, i just. am peeved. >:///// there’s wasted potential here and i am mildly frustrated about it

[royalsnis]

some things

Rusty was not banned on webtoons, it was another comic website. Her webtoons is still up. She just posted one chapter bc she knows she'll get reported otherwise

Her character's dad was killed off for character development for her n her mom. Not uncommon for writers to kill off charas to boost another one's development. However, she is still a white woman with many white peers. So take that as you will.

Someone mentioned making her kid chara have a sexuality or making it sexual... the kid chara is stated to be a lesbian, and she just has a baby/puppy crush on the mc, whos less than interested. Nothing weird has happened–that I know of.

Otherwise, shes been harassing trans ladies ('make like the made up 41%') and the occasional transmasc- along with genuinely believing that trans ppl are more likely to be accepted by their family than gay people so like.

Tw: being gross with a minor, tr*nsphobia, misandry

1. Rusty herself has admitted to her content being banned on many platforms for tr*nsphobia if she really isn't banned it honestly doesn't matter if she knows she can't post on there than that's the point. She knows she will be banned.

2. If you haven't seen the part two or read my entire IG post then I can see how you got here but Rusty has a QnA where she herself states otherwise-

She believes it's propaganda to "humanize men" because she hates men with a burning passion and believe them to be monsters (Aka why she and many other radfems hate Trans women, because they can't see past what's between their legs) and she also specifically dislikes hetero relationships as well which is why she said the men in the book would be "shitty, absent, or DEAD" because she believes that's realistic. (Hella gross as I personally have a loving trans accepting father) knowing this there's no way anyone can say the father was just killed off for "story purposes"

3. I didn't really speak on that little spat Rusty had with some followers of mine but I personally do think it's weird for her to have both a "lesbian" cat and a lesbian child as she's been very adamant about sexuality being about well- g*nitals. That's why are main phrase is "girls don't do d***k" so her in turn having a child represent what she herself overtly sexualizes, of course ppl are gonna freak a bit. Also she's had a really overtly sexual convo with a 16 yr old she harassed on Insta awhile back which also made ppl turn their nose.

[arcanadreams]

im the a6/sorenn anon and while for now most content is on patreon(s), cal's ex info was definitely discussed on their discord, and some of the pegasi info (especially the youngest ones) used to be free to read on aerie's patreon (not anymore i believe. btw, someone literally had to remind aerie of tilaari!mc existence, she edited tilaari!bro one to add their relationship only after that😅😅😅), so im not leaking any behind the paywall info! dw yall are not missing much if you can't afford to be a patron now, their characterization is kind of weird tbh especially compared to the mc's ("traveler was raised as a humble noble" vs "sike bc everyone else wasn't but somehow they are all from the same household"😂😂)

but yeah, not only calderon's ex betrayed him for kmerii, but also his best friend (not sorenn, the other one duh) and im not 100% about this, but there was a free piece (preview, I think) which was heavily hinting he did it for her (aka cal's ex) lol! idk if any of this has changed since then, but man, what a personal life

also, i dont think cal and arlo really knew each other, cal probably just knew of him/who he was from sorenn or when he was in the palace with his mom. arlo prob wasnt even aware of his existence or didn't care asdfgh just still its weird that cal wouldn't know of kit!mc imo

holy SHIT, the fact Cal's gf (I assume Aeriie made it so she was his gf at the time of the betrayal bc that just. makes sense) and his best friend turned on him for the k'merri?? methinks they may have been the ones who framed him based on his in-game dialogue. YIKES, no wonder this man has like three sticks up his ass.

i wanna join the discord for info like this but i've never joined a public discord so i'm kinda scared to LOL, thank you so much for sharing!! maybe i'll muscle up the courage to join but idk.

also i agree with you on traveler making more sense being snobby. the only traveler who seems to have canon reasons for being less of a snob is kit!traveler, because Nikolle was the most well-adjusted of the queens before she got sick, and Sorenn was a pretty nice prince, so kit!traveler had him to look up to. personally i think it'd be super interesting if traveler's mom influenced their personality more. i also think it would be fun to play with the idea of traveler being a far kinder person when they don't remember their past, and then feeling conflicted when they remember their royal lineage because we know through dialogue that they were predisposed to dislike mercenaries already. how would their old personality rear its head? would it at all? just fun things to speculate.

to the arlo point, i went back and played both june and cal's route through episode 6 the other day and tried out every single hobby option on both of them LMAO i have problems. but anyway i believe you're right in that Cal knew of Arlo rather than knowing him directly, i believe he says something like "No offense but he always seemed like a little shit" and Traveler is like "None taken he totally was" LOL.

i can see why cal wouldn't know mc, but also HOW CUTE WOULD IT HAVE BEEN IF THEY SAW EACH OTHER IN PASSING AS KIDS??? UUUUUGH missed potential imo

[carnival-core]

Ok fuck it this’ll get it’s own post . I said I’d say my Evelyn Deavor thoughts out loud when I got more a brain and I . Vaguely have one . So!! Weird start to a post defending a character’s writing, but the biggest mistake everyone who’s complained about her character has made thus far is thinking she’s supposed to be smart and logical because She Said she’s smart and logical. 

Evelyn Deavor is, on enough of a level to serve her needs, really fucking smart. A tech wiz, who knows Just enough about how the human mind works to serve her needs - Just as much as she’d need to make her hypno-tech not utter failures. But the thing I hardcore disagree with compared to most people, is the opinion that her intelligence shown in the movie ending there is a writing flaw. BC . The places where she falls flat are consistent? Consistent enough to feel intentional. And also, Really compelling, at least to me. To the point I think people would love her were it not for the fact she was in a Disney movie, and given less time to shine through in her role than she probably deserved (though honestly she had more time as a villain than most twist villains). She’s not an infallible genius, she’s a pessimist with an ego, the type to look at those with optimism in their hearts and feel Oh, she’s clearly superior, she doesn’t live in such childish extremes - even though she lives a childish extreme her whole life. Her brother and her both went through something traumatic as children. They both lost their own parents - and presumably, almost died themselves - because their father was too reliant on something that was not infallible in it’s own right. Her brother’s childish mind took a childish route to explain this - “Superheroes went away, so mom and dad went away.” It was logic Evelyn bashed heavily in the movie herself. But.. hers was Not much better.  “Superheroes exist to begin with, so mom and dad went away” was the logic she fell to in her own childlike, traumatized brain - just as much an extreme, but one she tried to sell as logical, because hers was more bitter, hers was more angry. She let her bitterness and anger consume her as a whole for all her life up until, and perhaps beyond the movie. She is canonically, a bitter, suicidal alcoholic. She drank in almost every scene she was in, when she was trying to trick the Parrs - she barely hid her own general contempt for superhero worship or the way modern tech was advancing to push reliance on non-infallible forces -- When her brother showed he was not going to be on her side for her plan, she tried to kill herself. She sent her plane crashing toward the sea on purpose, knowing that was the most likely outcome. She did not believe Helen would save her, she expressed both her shock and disgust at the fact well enough. She is a bitter, angry, pessimistic woman who could not see any other point of view, who let her childishly extremely pessimistic view of the world spurred by her trauma she perhaps probably both could not get help for and did not Want help for consume her , and she saw everyone who ever disagreed with her as an idiot who she could begrudgingly tolerate until she could make them see the truth. These were consistent traits that were barely , if at all , shoehorned in by the twist. I think the biggest downfall to her character As a character is people believing -- Oh, She portrays herself as infallibly intelligent, so the writers must want me to think she is. I find smth a little ironic abt this fact but I can’t put it in words

[yoiku]

Just feeling like unpacking and sorting out some thoughts on this wonderfully rainy morning (begone, roadside dust!!)

Now, I've always been the type to post new art the moment it's done. Posting stuff only on Patreon has still proven easier than I expected. Perhaps since i am still posting stuff -somewhere- it doesn't feel as weird, even though I do miss the interaction from posting on socials. But that'll be back once I have a buffer big enough to keep Patreon relevant. It's also getting easier on letting posting on social wait as time goes by, lol. Actually thought that what if I make the publish gap with the comic even bigger, like several months between Patreon/other sites. But aaaah, I really do want to get it out. It might create more of a gap with time anyway. And the best way to get new people interested in my Patreon is to have interesting stuff out there in the wild. And I'll be honest, it feels validating af to see even a few people willing to spend money to access my Patreon.

It's still conflicting sometimes, because I would really want to keep my stuff available to everyone without paywalls. Art in general is meant to be shared and should be accessible to everyone, this is something I feel on a larger scale. Things like commissioned, unique pieces are luxurious though. They are after all often personal as well. Artists don't live on grants and stipends, hell, even those are usually available for artists who have already made a name for themselves on a larger scale/are well connected. Majority I know struggle with part time jobs, unemployment, studying or are disabled, barely scraping by what they can get in terms of welfare etc. I'm no different. I'm on welfare due to health reasons + in debt, so basically I don't have any "extra" money at the end of each month left for nice things™. And if I do, it usually goes to paying a larger portion of debt away. Sometimes I spend and always regret it later, lol. But if you -never- get to treat yourself even a little, life starts to feel quite depressing. I know so many people are in the same kind of position, where it's just not possible to pay for more than 1-2 subscription services monthly, or none. So having my art behind a Patreon paywall of any kind feels bad, knowing I would likely not be able to afford it myself, lol. Will it ever be easy to combine the thought of art + money without having dreadful crapitalism thoughts creep in? Probably not.

I still want to do my best to pick up some commissions as well, I need to create some sort of hidden stash of money now that I have the cat. Because when (inevitably at some point) a trip to the vet happens, that's going to be at least a hundo no matter what. And when the last trip to the vet arrives, that's gonna be closer to 300-400 with all the cheapest options. (hopefully not anytime soon, but something i have to take into account) I am currently working on a painting comm and might have another one coming up as well, which is giving me much joy. Watercolours are a lot of work, but they're less taxing in the sense that there's only so much detail you can do compared to digital, and tradi allows the happy little accidents with the medium. So it's easier to feel like I did my best wihtout having the thought "ah... i should've kept fixing it"(without asking for more money bc I gotta do better ad infinitum) So I'm really happy peeps have shown interest in tradi comms, even though I'm not very well versed in techniques with those. Learning tho!

My head's been in a relatively good place for a good while now, all things considered. But I have to pull the brakes on myself every now and then because I know it only takes one hard hit in the old mental health for all of it going to shit in the blink of an eye. So I'm trying to tread carefully, prep and plan while keeping the bar set low enough.

Mom has moved to hospice care, which also means that getting the phonecall about her passing can also be any day now. I feel like I've made my peace with it, but even if it doesn't initially hit hard, I'm pretty sure it will bring some mental struggle later. And there will be the whole episode of handling her stuff afterwards. Thankfully there won't be any wealth to distribute, so likely all the mandatory/legal expenses will be handled by welfare. How dreadful that even in that, money is the first thing to have to worry about, huh.

At least the sun has returned from the winter jail, bright days lighten the mind.

[unknwnxquantity]

I don’t know how to be a friend

I’ve put partners above friendships ever since I started dating. Without fail. I don’t know how to be a good friend to people without leaving them on read for weeks. Without giving them my empathy when it’s needed. I’ve gotten a bit better.

I’ve dropped EVERYTHING for my partners in the past. Even situationships. My family knows this too. They used to not expect much of me bc they knew I’d disappoint in some way by putting a partner first. I’d say I’ll spend time with them at this day at this time, then I’d be like oops nvm I’m gonna be with my gf🤪 or when my ex would have her endometriosis flare ups—funny how my gf now has those same problems and they both were born two days apart… diff years and zodiacs tho😭 Taurus Venus’ seemingly work well with my cancer venus but I wasn’t searching for that to happen, it just did— I’d drop the world and Uber to her to take care of her. My mom always thought she was a hypochondriac. Pretty hypocritical of her. Jk mom you’re not but you know what pain feels like.

It got to a point where I resent doing almost anything that doesn’t honor my plans with others or even if I simply don’t feel like it. Thats one of the reasons that’s made it hard to be in a relationship at times, to do things intrinsically from the heart vs feeling the obligation to do it. I always felt guilty if I didn’t put my gfs first. You’re supposed to right? That’s your job as a partner. To give your undying loyalty to them and to put them first, make them feel like the most special person in your life. That’s true to an extent.

So now I’m at a point where I’ve lost many friends and potential friendships bc I didn’t maintain them properly. Building a friendship is delicate almost as delicate as building a foundation for a relationship. But I would either ghost them/respond slow, or spill my guts about my emotions (to existing friends), and be inconsistent with theirs in their times of need. I would be there but wasn’t in a way.

Granted people suck (they don’t but yes they do most times). They ghost you. They change, they evolve, you definitely evolve. You exit each other’s lives. That’s life

I’m trying to give my friends more of the energy that I’d want back. I’m thankful for the ones who have been patient with me and understand that I’m not ignoring them, it’s just that voice memos and catching up is overwhelming. I have notifications for days and I’m scared to start on something so I leave it alone for weeks. So I constantly reassure, “I didn’t forget I’m just overwhelmed with life.” Most times they get it. After a while they can get fed up. which is understandable!! I had a friend ghost me tho recently bc I guess I was texting that inconsistently over the past year. Which again I get but at our big age you’re still ghosting??? Really? lol okay. That shows more about you than me. I thought our friendship was deeper than that but she is the type to ghost bc she’s uncomfortable with confrontation and her feelings. And my dynamic with her gf is weird bc of previous work drama. Whatever I should’ve known I wasn’t different to that type of treatment.

I’m grateful to my family tho. They’re mostly understanding of my anxiety and overwhelming ness when it comes to responding back. HUMANS WERENT MEANT FOR THIS! TO BE ON CONSTANT STAND BY FOR ANYONES REACH!! It’s a beautiful thing but it’s fucking with our brains. Our entitlement to have everyone respond back to us right this second or else “they hate me” or our ego is like “i hate you now!” No. I feel so trapped and dependent on my phone. Who doesn’t nowadays?

The friend trauma runs so deep. Deeper than my relationship/love traumas. I feel it can root to how friends can just ghost you more easily if they want. Less accountability than in a relationship. That makes it harder for me to open up to making new friends vs making romantic connections in the past. That friend rejection is more deep rooted. Like if my person isn’t responding or acting off, I have more of a “right” to question them. With friends it’s more ambiguous. I’m more on a back burner. I don’t like that!!!!! But I have to deal with it anyway!!!! Bc I am not the center of ppls worlds! What a hard and humbling realization. I’m def a Leo in that way. Friends can be good too for selfish reasons (this is me being real in the chat and my self awareness— we all have innate tendencies that aren’t “good” and are selfish). Like if I don’t wanna come off unattractive to my partner but I’m spiraling, I don’t have to worry how I look to my friends bc I’m not with them romantically. I can get my advice from them. I can ask them for direction. With a partner, I feel you have less of a limit to do that until they start slowly not respecting you as much. As this masculineeeee leaddddd in relationships bc I love my femmes, I have to be cool calm and collected most times (this is learned behavior but also a fact of life bc divine masculine/divine feminine needs a balance). Ugh it’s exhausting. I’m just a 25 year old girl!!! But I’m also not and I wanna be more of a leader. So that ppl can trust in me and lean into my energy. Not doubting my capabilities and better judgment.

That’s why people stress you need a life outside your partner. They cannot be your only outlet of happiness and satisfaction in life. They also can’t meet you in every way you want in life. Whether it be some emotional/mental/spiritual need at any given moment, no one person can ever do it for you at the exact moment you need it. That’s why you need friends. Family. Hobbies. A strong sense of self. The confidence to do things alone but able to enjoy it with another. Also people go through phases. Like if you’re going on a more heightened spiritual part of your journey, your partner can’t always align with that. It’s physically impossible to be on the same wavelength with someone at every possible moment. That’s not life. You need to meet your own needs but make sure you’re doing it respectfully. But still honoring yourself. That’s another thing I’ve learned. No one person will fulfill ALL your needs. But you can have a friend that does! Let’s say your partner doesn’t like walks, you can go do it yourself or with someone who appreciates it just like you do! Life is so complex. There’s mini journeys on top of other mini journeys that coincide, phases on phases, yet in the grand scheme of it that little journey plays into your overall life. Like the journey of learning what products work for your hair. The journey of finding what haircut works the best for you and your facial features. Or the journey of diff coffee and milk combos you’re addicted to, and now you’re on a heavy cream kick in your dark roasted coffee with one raw sugar lol (even tho you loved oatmilk but it’s bad for you and almond milk is so bland). And how that coincides with where I’m at in life right this second. At my jobs. Having my very randomly deep meaningful conversations with customers and coworkers. Or even the lighthearted “robotic” like ones where you’re on autopilot but still appreciating the small talk. It’s an art. Or witnessing the bond grow between my cats. My kitten Rain (whose bday falls the day before my gf’s! You cannot make this shit up) finally becoming her own little woman and always on top of Boots (my gf’s cat) bc she adores him like the big brother he is to her. The journey of me and Rain making sounds/eeps at each other in our languages although we are literal different species lol and we don’t technically understand each other, but it’s an energy thing and she appreciates that I talk to her and make her feel cared for. So many journeys. So many things to catch glimpses of to appreciate all that life has to offer at literally every corner imaginable.

[flower-blooming-in-hell]

i need to scream into the void for a minute here bc like. idk who i can tell this who will understand

just rambling abt mental health (ptsd + depression mainly) and transitioning

but just. !!!!!!!!! i just took my first dose of T!!!!!!!! i officially have my androgel at home! and i just applied it to my skin!! and im waiting for it to dry a lil bit more before i put anything on it (like the sweater im gonna wear to bed tonight)

and im like. i could honestly cry rn not in a bad way but in a "this has been coming for such a long time and im so excited for the future right now" kinda way

i think a reason ive always disliked myself is bc i hate being a girl honestly

my voice is too high and feminine, and my face has never looked like my own (though that could also have to do with the did but still)

im currently planning on ending up looking more androgynous atm, but honestly im on a low dose so i can see which changes i want and how far i want to go

tbh im thinkin i might just end up going all the way tho? not sure

or. all the way isnt the right words but yknow what i mean basically lol

its ? very interesting figuring myself out like this

like im not fully confident on who i am but i know what i want, and i dont want to be a girl. i never really have, and i knew that at a young age. and to a point i do identify with "girl/woman" but thats only bc i was raised one, so i have similar experiences to a lot of ppl who could be called girls/women

plus my mom is def bioessentialist (which i need to look up counterarguments for that tbh) and i love her to death but she just doesnt really understand ... a lot of things

plus yknow. trauma . ive never gotten to fully be myself - i have always been what other people want me to be. its... an experience and a learning curve, finally figuring out who and what i am.

tbh this feels similar to when i got published (technically. it was a competition thing and a prize was getting published alongside others) with the like ... sheer positive emotion and wanting to cry and shaking with the excitement of what ive achieved and get to have

its really weird, being this happy. i didnt think id ever get to feel this way, or that id be excited for the future or have plans for it like i do right now. ive always had the feeling of "theres more things i have to do, so im not finished here." but its never really come out as starkly as it is now.

im really, REALLY happy.

yknow, sometimes i look back on my abuser and think that we were made for each other, and that ill never achieve anything greater than having dated them

and i think this is the first time its actually fully setting in and really occuring to me that i can have a life without them. i dont need them. i never did, and i didn't truly gain anything from being so close to them for so long.

and while i will always be resentful for having to grow up so fast and that i spent so much time on them, and there are still a lot of times that i'm upset with myself for being so unfailingly kind and giving and resilient, times where i wish i broke and wasn't here anymore, i'm truly glad that i didn't and i'm still here.

and i'm happy that i'm not with them anymore.

and i'm glad that i got to have this. and that nobody i currently know will speak negatively about this to me.

sometimes it feels a lot like i move on from them in jagged bits and pieces of glass, like im tugging them out of my skin years after impact

this feels a lot less like that, and more like...

ever since they came into my life, ive felt like . corrupted, evil, gross, whore, etc compared to their bright white purity. like i could never measure up

i think this is the first time in years where ive actually felt pure, in any kind of way

excited for the future, happy, not focused on anyone but myself, confident.

ive always wanted a truly clean slate. and now i have that

i have a better idea of things i want now too, and ive been taking better care of myself as well, and i have so much more energy

i still wish they could see and that theyd be proud of me, instead of whatever the hell manipulative gaslighty bs theyd think up

but im not thinking about them that much either

this is something that i want, and the focus is rightfully on me

...its a slightly weird feeling, but i dont feel selfish for it, for once

[seaottersandstrings]

something lgbt just happened to me (extreme emotional pain edition)

(ignore me I just need an internet void to scream in where she wont see it or read if you’re nosy and willing to be nice about it)

(also if anyone has any advice for how to not be so fucked up about the girl who is kinda your ex but not really (in the “never actually dated but we both had feelings and acted like it a lot” way) officially dating a new person for the first time since she shattered your heart into a million tiny pieces please dm me said advice this is 100% serious)

like we have all the same friends and it’s been over half a year so I feel weird talking to irl people about it. even I am surprised at how intensely the emotions punched me in the lungs when she told us she has a bf now. like cmon brain I knew we weren’t over this but I thought we were at least getting better. 

also there’s the added fun layer of “her own internalized biphobia and biphobic family members made it so our connection was always laced with shame and repression and suffering anyway.” and now she gets to celebrate this moment with friends and family and do boy talk with her mom and ask her parents for advice about this guy she’s known for a couple months and have an easy friends to lovers arc with him. while I was stuck listening to her family coo over how she should get back with her ex bf once he transferred to our college while she and I were literally sleeping in the same bed the night before. but bc I’m not a guy ofc nothing could possibly have been going on there. 

like you’re telling me I was in a years-long, will-they-won’t-they sufferfest where I was embarrassingly emotionally devoted to this person only for npc #3 to crawl out of the woodwork and get the instant stamp of approval for wanting to get to know her better and giving it the old college try? 

and to be clear I’m not blaming her she feels how she feels and obviously the bi/homophobia is a societal/community level issue. it just sucks so bad to fall so deeply in love with someone over such a long time and have those feelings be treated less seriously because of things we can’t control. like just on top of the regular heartbreak of it all. and believe me the regular heartbreak of it all is more than enough for my little eggshell heart to handle. 

and on a regular heartbreak level it also sucks because she’s a good person that I genuinely care about on a non-romantic level and still think very highly of. like our relationship wasn’t and still isn’t perfect but she’s one of the best people in my life and an objectively decent human being. so it’s not like I can even rationalize to myself “well it was toxic” (actually maybe the dynamic was but like SHE wasn’t a toxic person y’know) or “she treated me badly” or “she sucks so I’m better off now anyway.” like no she’s wonderful and her new bf is very lucky life just sucks sometimes. 

did I mention she and I are still best friends and even though we live in different cities now which helps I still have to pretend to be totally 100% excited about this for the sake of being a good bestie? like god I love being a lesbian if I had to do life all over again and got a choice I would choose to be queer every single goddamn time. but this is the most painful shit I’ve ever felt in my life and that’s a pretty high bar at this point. especially since this is technically not my first heartbreak but it’s my first one since realizing I’m a lesbian and not bi and started having a lot of The Piercing Loneliness of Breaking Every Societal Expectation feelings about it. like I think my brain was unintentionally pulling a “maybe I’ll turn out normal-passing” on itself (which is total bullshit) for a while there. and even though I know that was bullshit coming to terms with being a lesbian was so much harder for me than coming to terms with being queer at all and everything related to it has just felt so much more intense since. 

and on some level I’m also jealous bc she got out and can have a relationship she can celebrate and talk about with her family without fear and I can never have that. like bi people obviously go through so much shit and have a hard time getting both straight and gay people to take them seriously and as someone who lived that (in the “other people treated me like I was bi bc we all thought I was” sense) and thought that was who I was for 7 years I would never want to diminish that but oh my god being on the other side now I can understand how easy it is to let yourself get bitter. And I never want to be that person but at the same time speaking purely of my own experience it didn’t take me so long (2+ years) to figure out I was a lesbian because I just didn’t know like at some point deep down I knew especially near the end of my questioning era but I kept asking myself “well are you SURE?” because didn’t want to face the loneliness of it. Of closing the door on the last possible chance I had for my family and I to bond over something in a normal way for once. And coming out again was incredibly freeing but I also had to be willing to break my own heart to do it and the compounding heartbreak is just so much. 

anyway if anyone is reading this I love you and I hope you’re having a better day than me. happy new year.