#and it's like that with her parents too im in heaven and hell simultaneously every time

[hella1975]

okay so im staying the night at my friend's in my Uni City on sunday bc my maths exam is monday morning and i dont have any accommodation there anymore (which is really stupid on the uni i feel? like they expect kids to be paying the train and accommodation fares AND navigate the current rail strikes AND revise during heatwaves when they could just very easily in this post-covid world put the exams online? baffling) and this is my one coursemate that's super super good for me in that she's VERY disciplined and WILL yell at me if im not working like i should be. she's also the econ student who asked me in the corruption lecture if tax evasion is legal but that's neither here nor there. anyway my point is she lives locally hence why im staying with her and i cannot stress enough how much she singlehandedly holds my academic life together. like i am going to show up on her doorstep with all my notes and just burst into tears im sure of it

[exasperatedmoron]

‘The Incident’

Nora and Michael were sitting in front of their father’s computer, snickering as they scrolled through their options for colours.

“I can’t believe they have so many choices! Holy shit...” Nora tried to be serious as she picked ‘rainbow’ and they moved on to the next selection; Size.

“Jac is going to kill us... Totally worth it though.” Michael scrolled to the very bottom and clicked on the largest size possible. The screen buffered for a few seconds until the final product appeared on the screen. The two teenagers cried out, laughing so hard they had to clutch their sides.

Jacques Rory-Snow’s 18th birthday was in a few days and he had a habit of making a lot of dick jokes (behind their parent’s back of course). Naturally, being a Snart, the siblings decided to get him the most extravagant dildo they could find.

They were too caught up in their ‘scheme’ that they didn’t even realise... that the product was charged to their dad’s credit card.

-

Len took a break from training to check his phone. As much as he trusted Sara as a babysitter, he still worries every time they were out of his sight. It’s been 17 years but he’s still extremely protective of the two. Maybe he’ll just give her a quick call to see if they were okay. Maybe she already knew and sent some kind of ‘calm the fuck down, leonard. they’re fine.’ text.

He wished that was what he read instead of the notification he saw.

‘Transaction Successful: SparkToys - Custom Ordered Dildo. Click for more details...’

Len was rendered speechless - the last time he felt anything similar was when he found out Barry was pregnant (because apparently speedsters could do that and no one told them). He started to run through ideas in his head.

Maybe it was Barry who needed to buy a toy to spice up their nights (even though Barry was in the room, training with Len). Maybe Sara got bored (even though he’s pretty sure she has enough sex toys at home, why would she need more). Maybe... Lisa... snuck into his house... then his room.. to order??? Nope. No.

He was not ready for this part of parenting.

-

“Nora? Michael?” Len knocked on the teenager’s rooms before stepping in. Nora and Michael looked up from their respective books and gave their dad a smile.

“Hey Dad! You’re home! How was training?” They asked simultaneously (Barry and Len have started to think they had some kind of telepathy powers with how coordinated they were).

“Fine. It was fine... Listen. I just wanted... to talk to the two of you about something.”

Nora and Michael frowned when Len took a seat on the edge of Michael’s bed and put on his ‘im-about-to-give-you-the-parent-talk’ face.

“I understand that the two of you are teenagers. And that you’re almost 18, Michael. So I really do get it that you will inevitably get... urges.”

“Dad?”

“And sometimes, you’re going to want to... experiment and explore. Hopefully with yourselves and not others - and by yourselves, I mean your own individual self! Not... with each other... Oh God, I’m becoming Barry.” Len put his head in his hands and started to shake his head. He was so happy he didn’t have this talk with Lisa. (Mick did).

“Dad... Where is this going?”

“Okay. I’ll just get right to it.” Len looked up to his children and realised ‘yes. this is it. this is the moment where they get scarred for life’.

“Michael. Nora. If you ever need advice about sex or about your bodies. You can always come to me or your dad. We’ll never shame you. We just want the two of you to be safe. So, if you need condoms or sex toys... non-extreme ones, of course. Then you can talk to us so you won’t end up hurting yourselves.”

“DAD?! WHAT!?” “THE HELL, DAD?!”

There was a look of absolute horror on both their faces. It’s amazing how they look like Barry. They even have his scandalized look nailed down.

“WHY WOULD YOU EVEN... DAD?!”

“Well, one of you guys bought a dildo online. And there are a lot of precautions you should take when it comes to purchasing sex toys online. You need to look at their reviews - sure, to see if it suits your needs. But also to make sure it’s a legit business and their products are hygienic. Plus, it looked rather massive and -”

“OH MY GOD, DAD! STOP. PLEASE. STOP.”

“IT WAS A PRANK! IT’S FOR JAC’S BIRTHDAY!”

Len paused and turned to Michael who was trying to bury himself in the corner, with his hands covering his ears. “A prank?”

“Yes!! It’s a prank gift for Jac! Oh my God, it charged to your card?! Oh my gosh, dad, no! Nope no no no no...”

“Wait. So the two of you are not in that ‘sex toy’ phase yet?”

“NO!!!”

Len let out a large, exhilarating sigh of relief and flopped backwards on Michael’s bed. “Thank fucking God. That was the worst 5 minutes of my life.” His children were still his innocent, pure, angelic (well...) children. He knew the day would come eventually, but thank heavens it was not yet that day. When it does reach that day, Len’s going to make Barry do the talking.

“YOUR life?! How about us?!

“Shhhhh. This is done. It’s over. The only time I ever want to remember about this incident is when Jac opens his gift and the look on Mick’s face when he does.”

“Or Aunt Caity,” the two snickered and the awkwardness in the room cleared. They started to talk about their day, erasing the memory of everything that just happened.

-

Len honestly did forget about the whole incident. He totally forgot to even tell Barry about it.

Which was why it was hilarious to walk in on Barry opening an indiscreet box in the living room with both Nora and Michael silently begging Len to stop their dad.

Len was a Snart. So he didn’t.

He did, however, take a picture of Barry wielding a 12 inch, rainbow dildo (sword) with Nora and Michael in the background looking terrified.