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#and it's rlly not safe for me to drive long distances alone i think. i find driving v stressful
I keep listening to different pieces of music that I love and then my brain comes in all helpful with 'this sounds like great music to die with doesn't it'
#tw suicide#im just. so tired#and i know that right now part of it is im sick (not covid tho) but still.#and it's like im grieving the lost friendship all over again and what might have been#i am the best version of myself when im with the boy. but now no wonder he is avoiding me. and i don't blame him! but for some reason it's#hitting rlly hard again atm and it's just. Im Sad.#i really don't know why that's so prevalent in my mind right now#and it's rlly not safe for me to drive long distances alone i think. i find driving v stressful#and any guesses what *that* leads to#tw sh#the answer was: a frightening amount.#and then there are things i don't understand#my brother begged me to destroy the suicide note i wrote yesterday#and i don't know why. because it's very unlikely to be something that i would stop to do tbh. so what there is would at least explain#*something* perhaps. i don't know#i have spent more than half of my waking hours in the last week seriously thinking of suicide. i don't know how to stop this#and given that i've read two books in full and gone to a play i enjoyed that says something about what hte rest of the time has been filled#with. i don't know how to get out of this. in some ways i feel like it's worse now than it was bc i expected it to get better when mum and#dad got back. if anything it's worse - more constant.#the lows are not quite as low but the baseline is definitely lower#i am just feeling very hopeless rn#yesterday i was driving and reciting psalm 23 and i was so overcome with emotion and i repeated it multiple times and that helped somewhat#but only in the moment ig. i don't know. i don't know how to fix this or even improve it#if im still feeling like this on monday i am so going to walk over the road and straight-up ask to borrow a kitten overnight.#and hope the kitten doesn't decide to go near all the cuts :(#a part of me is genuinely wondering if i should check myself into a psych ward. the other parts of me say either that this isn't bad enough#for that or thta i am simply too scared to. which is true. nasty stuff in psych wards for obvious reasons#anyway i need prayers thankyou
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muwur · 4 years
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long distance headcanons
✧ hc’s ✧ for daichi, suga, hinata & tsukki
❧ gn reader
✎ 1.5k words
a/n: hello yall this is my first post! nobody asked, but i just started this haikyuu reader insert blog, feel free to check my page n see wazzap. also requests are open pls come fhorfjepfiwf;
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daichi
✧ after high school, he stayed in miyagi while you went to tokyo, about 5 hours away, for college
✧ texting or calling whenever u can!
✧ you be like “heyyy”
✧ then he clap back with a “go focus on your lecture”
✧ “im not in lectureee”
✧ “you gave me your schedule so i know you’re in the middle of class”
✧ “...”
✧ makes sure you’re awake on time for your classes and calls you if he thinks you’re oversleeping (and hes usually right, this man just KNOWS)
✧ “morning y/n, i think you need to get to class soon”
✧ “mmrghhhghhh” *checks time* “holy sHI-- i forgot to set my alarm. IMMA BE LATE. THANKS DAICHI I LOVE YOU ILL TALK TO YOU LATER BYE”
✧ definitely skips out on some nights out with his friends to video chat you. you catch up, talk about future plans, reminisce, complain about not being able to hug one another, etc. occasionally one of you falls asleep on call, particularly after a long day or week. if he sleeps, you make sure you screenshot his sleeping face and start a picture collection  
✧ you hit him up when you get drunk lMAO
✧ “daiichiii, i miss youuu, i needdd youuuu AND i needa peeee---” “hey daichi, this is y/n’s friend. y/n’s pretty out of it now but they’ll be okay! we’re heading back to our place right now” “im gonna pEE IN THIS CAR”
✧ daichi coordinates with your friends to make sure you arrive home safely, use the bathroom, and get tucked into bed. he thanks the universe you have good friends. if it weren’t for them he’d probs have a heart attacc. sends you cute, reassuring voice messages for you to wake up to the next morning with hangover tips he learned from suga
✧ always checks in with you throughout the day, every day. able to pick up on the slightest hints if you’re feeling unwell and calls you immediately to try to make you feel better
✧ makes plans to visit you! you get really excited to introduce him to your college friends (who, after meeting him, tell you not only is he a hottie but is such a kind guy, fosho a keeper. they also ask if he has any cute friends)
✧ either holding your hand or has an arm around you most of the time.
✧ you spend all day together outside and wandering the city, then spend the night back at your place (sorry roommate, but we’re gonna have to kick you out for a lil bit--)    
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sugawara
✧ you finally secured a job! unfortunately, the company required you to work for a year at their main facility, which was a 4 hour drive away from miyagi
✧ if suga wasn’t needed in miyagi for his teaching job, he would’ve tried to come with you
✧ after unloading your things in your new apartment and before parting ways, suga was like
✧ “everything’s unloaded everything from the car?”
✧ “yes maam”
✧ “do you have enough snacks?”
✧ “we just went to the grocery hun”
✧ “did you bring enough underwear?”
✧ “gDI yEs I dID”
✧ “:c promise to call me often”
✧ “<3333 of course”</p>
✧ good morning texts before y’all leave for work! you send each other cute pictures when you’re getting ready for the day (suga with bedhead, brushing his teeth? suga with his tie half done?? sign me up)
✧ always texts you when something reminds him of you, usually sends a picture along with it
✧ “the store was having a special on oranges today! this one reminds me of you”
✧ “why”
✧ “it just looks so cute~”
✧ will immediately call you if you send him any sort of message that worries him
-“hello? y/n what’s wrong, why is there blood?? speak to me, you haven’t replied in 5 minutes”
✧ “ohhh my bad, i’m just cleaning up don’t worry! i didn’t explain, but the picture i sent you isn’t blood, it’s ketchup i spilled on myself lolol”
✧ poor man nearly fainted from worry
✧ would pay you a surprise visit, making sure to plan it carefully so he knew you weren’t busy with work or plans. brings you gifts of your favorite snacks and a scarf that matches one of his own for the upcoming winter
✧ plans out that weekend for y’all, mans did his research beforehand. together, you toured the city and the surrounding nature, took lots of selfies (and many candids of you), and taste tested lots of foods before returning to your apartment and collapsing into your bed with exhaustion
✧ but y’all not too tired for cuddling n a lil something else >.>
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hinata
✧ sure, being a couple hours away was hard for some... but y’all in different countries right now
✧ calls you immediately when there’s any inconvenience that occurs in his life, no matter how minor, thinking you’ll know how to fix it (or at least give him the reassurance he needs)
✧ “hey y/n...”
✧ “what’s wrong? you sound worried”
✧ “i broke my bike, what do i do”
✧ “you what? are you alright?? how? where are you? it’s midnight there, honey”
✧ “i was biking back to my apartment after staying late to practice! i didn’t wanna hit this turtle, so i swerved into a pole and now my bike’s wrecked :**”
✧ “ahh, are you okay?? you’re not hurt are you :(”
✧ “no, im okay... but im tired and i have two miles to go ;(((”
✧ “;( im sorry babe but you gotta walk home. we’ll get you a new bike. ill stay on the phone with you until you get back. tell me about your day <3″</p>
✧ talks about you all the time to his friends! introduces you through video chat to them! “look how pretty and cute y/n is!”
✧ together you work out your time differences and busy schedules so you can chat whenever possible
✧ he lets you know whenever he bought something for you, but never shows it to you because he’s excited to see your reaction in person when you reunite
✧ always asks you to send him pictures of yourself, he wants to see what you look like everyday he’s missing you in real life
✧ you surprise visit HIM. he’s so happy he could cry. shows you around every place he loves, shows you off to everyone he knows, holds your hand the entire time and never wants to let go, is practically glued to you not that you mind  
✧ you spend your last night together lying in the grass, hand in hand, looking at the stars and sharing sweet kisses  
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tsukishima
✧ y’all went to separate universities. while he stayed relatively close to miyagi, you went across the country to okinawa, which was about a 3 hour flight away
✧ he sees all the couples around campus n becomes lowkey bitter, texts you immediately about gross pda like hand holding that he secretly wishes he could do with you “these people in relationships are too happy, i didn’t ask to see them gawk at each other all day” “u just miss me lmao”
✧ once overheard a convo on a shuttle at school that went like :
✧ person 1: “ugh, he’s so cute”
✧ person 2: “why dont you go out with him??”
✧ person 1: “i dunno, his dorm’s down the street, i can’t really do long distance”
✧ nANI (by the way, this is a irl conversation my friend overheard, oml)
✧ tsukki nearly choked on his morning coffee
✧ bothers texts you in class bc he’s bored and in need of your attention
✧ “hey tsukki this prof’s lectures are rlly dense, i needa focus, ill text u after”
✧ “but arent i more interesting than rocks”
✧ “trust me, id even rather watch some dino documentaries with you than be here”
✧ *read*
✧ likes to chat with you most nights as he lies in bed before going to sleep, staring up at the dark ceiling and listening to your voice through his headphones. usually just talking about how your days went (as if you weren’t texting all day) or just casual talk and banter
✧ you remind him to make sure he’s taking care of himself and eating well
✧ “who are you? my mother?”
✧ “no but you’re about to be single”
✧ surprise visits you, tells you it was yamaguchi’s idea when it was really his own and yamaguchi was just teasing him about it  
✧ you show him around the city, sharing what you know about its rich history and culture. you visit most areas you both wanted to see before calling it a day
✧ your roommate conveniently spends that night over at their friend’s they just wanna give you alone time, which y’all very much needed. you make it a note to repay your roommate somehow.
✧ sweet lovin that he’s been missing, then some spooning as you sleep    
a/n: just wanna tackle these about 4 characters at a time but if u wanna see this headcanon w/ other characters feel free to hmu w/ an ask <3<b> also sorry if i text type a lot and that im inconsistent with my apostrophes, let me know if that’s something you want me to fix! 
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jemmydoolz · 5 years
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Edgar Has Always Been Kind of a Bitch
hi okay so it's a little after midnight but I'm posting a fic rn bc it's the first fic I've written in like,, a yr and a half and also I'm rlly excited abt it??
anyway battle buddies/fahc jeremwood angst based on ramblings in a gc
(warning for minor assault implications at the beginning, and brief mentions of a suicide attempt at the end)!!!
Fiona and Gavin decide that what Jeremy needs is a night of bevs, and, to put it simply, get wasted, so the crew settles on going to a club that Friday. Jeremy only has one or two drinks, but boy does he get fucked up.
Ryan’s sitting and talking with Geoff and Jack in a booth, sipping a diet coke. He looks over Jack’s shoulder to see Jeremy standing at the bar with a much taller, more intimidating man looming over him. The guy reaches out toward Jeremy, who leans away from the touch. Jeremy nervously laughs and his eyes frantically dart around for someone, anyone who might be able to help him.
“Hello? Earth to Ryan?” Jack waves her hand in front of Ryan’s face.
“Oh, yeah. Yeah. sorry. Hey, um, I’m gonna go home, I’m just not really feeling great,” Ryan murmurs as he slides out of the booth, already heading toward Jeremy.
“Um, alright, I guess? Drive safe,” Jack calls after him.
Ryan speeds up when he sees the man grab Jeremy’s arm. Jeremy’s face flipped through a thousand emotions at once when he saw Ryan approaching, but eventually landed on confused but grateful. He gave Jeremy a look that said just go with what I’m about to say.
“Hey, babe,” Ryan says. The man immediately drops his grip on Jeremy’s arm. Jeremy does his best not to choke on his own spit when he hears the word babe come out of Ryan’s mouth. He hadn’t heard it in so long, and he didn’t think it would still hurt so much.
“Oh, hey!” Jeremy turns to Ryan and reaches up to peck him on the lips. “Where’d Edgar go? It’s his birthday, I figured he would wanna hang out with his friends!”
Fuck. Mentioning something about their friend ‘Edgar’ was always code for I don’t feel good about this, let’s leave. Edgar’s birthday meant I’m having a panic attack, I need your help. Ryan wanted to punch the guy that was practically feeling Jeremy up. No—he wanted to fucking kill that bastard. He and Jeremy may have had a severe falling out, they may have suffered years of heartache and longing, but he still felt responsible to make sure Jeremy was safe.
“He said he kinda wanted to go home. He went to the bathroom while I found you. You, uh, just about ready?” Ryan’s eyes flitted between Jeremy and the other man, who cleared his throat and mumbled something about needing to go find his friends before walking off.
Jeremy and Ryan both sigh in relief once he’s gone.
“Wanna head outside for some fresh air for a minute?” Ryan asks, getting a meek, obviously shaken-up nod in return.
Jeremy says something that Ryan can’t quite hear over the music as they walk outside.
“Hm?”
“Oh, nothing. It was dumb.” Jeremy shakes his head. Ryan has had enough experience to know that it was better to just leave it alone. They both wordlessly come to a stop and lean against the wall of the building a few yards from the door. Almost as if they had been working as partners for years. They spend a few minutes saying nothing, watching people on the street, looking at the stars in the sky. Ryan can’t help but study the intricacies of Jeremy, realizing that so many things have changed, but somehow almost nothing about him is different. Jeremy’s hair is just a tad bit more grown out than it ever was at the agency (also, it’s bright purple and orange, which is not exactly the most appealing color combination, but that’s a topic for another day), but he still runs his hands through it when he’s lost in thought. It’s curlier than it used to be, but maybe that’s just because it’s longer. He still clenches his jaw so hard it seems like he’s going to break his teeth when he’s scared. He still wears a tank top under his shirt, no matter how hot it is outside. His eyes still crinkle at the corners when he lets out a bark of laughter that Ryan still swears up and down sounds exactly like a squeaky toy. He’s changed, though. Ryan can see in his eyes that he’s become aware of reality. He knows the responsibility he carries, the heavy consequences that come with his actions, that death is around the corner at every moment.
“D’you- d’you want me to take you home?” Ryan says barely above a whisper, but loud enough for Jeremy to hear. “You can go back inside if you want, but I know you always used to want to go home and be alone after Edgar shows up.” Jeremy lets out the tiniest breathy chuckle.
“Edgar has always been kind of a bitch, hasn’t he?” Jeremy says as he looks away from the sky to meet Ryan’s gaze, and his heart falls apart all over again for the thousandth time. That fond look of reminiscence and joy was one Ryan donned frequently at the agency. “I- Yeah. yeah. I’d really appreciate a ride home. I’m just a little too drunk to drive, I think.”
“Alright. I parked just down the street. Penthouse or your apartment?” Ryan hadn’t even noticed that Jeremy did seem somewhat tipsy; his Boston accent slipping in occasionally and his words slurring the tiniest bit.
“Um, apartment,” Jeremy says. “D’you rem-”
“Yes, I remember where your apartment is, Jeremy.”
It’s only a few minutes into the drive to the other side of town when Jeremy pipes up. “I honestly didn’t really expect you to help me. I didn’t expect you to remember Edgar, either. I dunno why I said it, I guess just vaguely hoping you would even though it’s been, what, three years?” he pauses for a moment and just takes in Ryan's profile. “I always hope you remember things from then. I know it went to shit, but we still had so much fun. We made so many memories and did so much dumb shit there. But I’m glad that stupid fuckin’ place collapsed. All of it was complete bullshit. I just wish it all fell apart before we did.”
Ryan doesn’t know how to respond. So he doesn’t.
“All those meetings I had to stay late for? Fuckin’ useless. They served no purpose, and I don't know why I was forced to go to them. I feel like the only reason I had to go to those meetings was because someone was hiding something from me. It was obvious that so many things were kept from us.” Jeremy stops for a second to try to will away the lump rising in his throat. “I thought you were cheating on me. For the longest time. I still don’t know whether you actually were. You were always out on ‘special missions’ and shit.”
The moment Ryan hears Jeremy let out a shaky breath his heart breaks.
“Was it me? Was I not good enough? I promise I tried my hardest to be what you needed. I’m sorry if I wasn’t. All I wanted was the best for you, Ryan. Even now, I just want you to be happy. If you're happier with someone else, then that’s what I want. I don’t blame you, though. I don’t deserve someone like you. You deserve so much better than me. I would do anything for you, Rye. We were together for so long. We did everything together! I thought I was gonna marry you. I was saving up money to get a ring. I guess I was too stupid to see that you didn’t want me anymore.”
Ryan looks over to see the tears staining Jeremy’s cheeks reflecting the soft orange glow of the streetlamps. Is this really what Jeremy thinks?
“I was so in love with you, Ryan Haywood. I’m- I’m still in love with you. I love you so goddamn much it hurts sometimes. Every time I see you hurt, upset, angry, anything other than healthy and happy my heart aches. I’m sorry I wasn't enough. I promise I tried. Fuck, I tried so hard.”
With every sob Jeremy lets out, Ryan's heart breaks just a little bit more. The short distance left until Ryan pulls up to Jeremy’s apartment building is spent wordlessly. Jeremy’s clambering out of the car and reaching to grab the door when Ryan speaks.
“Hey, Jer, do you want me to walk you up? I just want to make sure you’re safe.”
“No. I’m fine. I’ll be fine. I’ve already been a pain in your ass tonight, I don't need to waste even more of your time. I’m sorry. I’m sorry about everything.” Jeremy sniffles and wipes his cheeks, giving a half-hearted smile before shutting the door and walking away.
Ryan sits there for a second, unable to process fully what he just heard. He starts driving without even knowing where he was going, and he’s so lost in his thoughts that suddenly he’s sitting in his car in front of the boardwalk along the beach and crying. He can’t believe anything he was just told—there is no way in hell that the brilliant, witty, talented Jeremy Dooley ever doubts his worth. It’s jarring to think that part of it was because of Ryan. He was going on extra missions because the agency was growing more and more demanding. For months they tormented Ryan with the threat of kicking out Jeremy. They said they’d do other things to him that Ryan doesn’t want to remember. Why did Jeremy never bring it up? Why did he just accept that Ryan had ‘moved on?’ Their lives were so intertwined with one another that Ryan never felt truly whole again. The only reason Ryan went with the break up was that he saw how distant and cold Jeremy had gotten. Ryan had assumed that, for whatever reason, Jeremy had changed his mind. He hated it, he was devastated, but he didn't know how to fix it.
Ryan decides he doesn’t want to go back to the penthouse tonight. He pulls up to the nearest crew safehouse, and suddenly things click.
Jeremy had always struggled with bad self-image and depression. He had gone to Ryan for comfort, which he was always more than willing to give. Jeremy was doing better. At least he told Ryan he was.
Jack had mentioned a while ago that when Jeremy first joined the crew, she had found him after a suicide attempt and barely left his side until he recovered. The only reason for it Jack had told Ryan about was ‘emotional trauma from a past relationship, that he didn’t really want to talk about.’
Ryan did that to him.
Ryan did that to him.
Ryan made the love of his life want to die.
The pieces left of his heart fall into more shards than there are grains of sand in this world.
He collapses onto the couch inside, too exhausted to even get to the bed. He knows he’s not going to be able to sleep, though.
To: Geoff
Dropped Jeremy off at his place, he was pretty drunk though so check on him please
To: Geoff
I’m staying at kung fu safehouse for the night
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og-danny-dorito · 5 years
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Some Quick Alfie Solomons Headcanons
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why? because ive been thinking about this baker dude for like a week ok don’t @ me
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S F W:
- big man is warm all the time, no lie. it can be any time of the year and he’s still basically a space heater with legs, although he doesn't really move much if he can help it. 
- yeah work is GREAT and all, but he’d much rather sleep until 5, wake up to get like some food or a drink of something, and then just fall back asleep with his dog tbh
- highkey doesn't like Italians because the Italian mob consists of some dickheads (in his eyes at least) but honestly wouldn’t mind an Italian s/o??? like yeah he might not trust them at first but after a while he’ll soften up to them
- i kind of see him as maybe bi, but i don’t know. he seems more inclined to females in particular, but there could always be that sort of curiosity there he REFUSES to acknowledge. yes he finds that guy kind of attractive, no hes not gay-
- it kind of takes him a while to get comfortable with anyone, just because hes been conditioned over the years to doubt who you trust. usually if he feels too comfortable with someone for the first few days or weeks talking to them, he’ll distance himself away and maybe not show up for a while just to try and space himself out 
- once he does finally become comfortable though? he won’t leave you the hell alone
- seriously, this dude might show up at your house at 3 am because Cyril seemed kind of distressed and he doesn't really trust anyone else to take care of his dog. or he might show up at your house in the middle of the day just for the hell of it, or at your work. of course he’ll make up and excuse, but the fact of the matter is that he just wants to spend time with you. and i can assure you he’ll have less of a struggle admitting it than a certain peaky blinder would
- probably more down to just lay around and read or something, but he doesn't mind going out every once and a while. id think that he kind of likes going to eat or something, but eating at home is always nice too. and NO drinking cause gross. hes kind of a hermit really, it’s just how he is
- highkey likes thiccies why? because i said so. that and he likes it better that way. it may be a secret kink but we wont address that because these are sfw and i haven’t made nsfw ones yet. to him people with more meat on their bones look like they could boss him round without a problem
- if you're self-conscious he won’t be having ANY of it. don’t think your eyelashes are long enough? not on his watch, expect to get kisses all over your face. don’t think your skin is clear enough? not on his watch, he’s going to make sure you feel like the most beautiful person on the planet. don’t think you look good in your clothes? dON’T MAKE HIM GIVE YOU FACE KISSES AGAIN-
- but seriously he’s v supportive and sweet
- he also may not show it, but he cares a whole lot about you. when you’re at work you may get a random bouquet of flowers and a little basket or container of your favorite sweets or food. he also low key makes lunches for you sometimes (he won’t admit it but he’s pretty doting on you and takes a lot of extra effort out of his day just to make sure you feel loved)
- very very out there but he probably likes it when you call him pet names like ‘sweetheart’ and ‘bear’ or something like that. it makes him all blushy and he starts smiling a lot. in turn he also calls you names like ‘love’ or nicknames while holding you from behind
- boss man likes it when you randomly grab his hand while you’re both walking. ESPECIALLY in public. seriously, just walk up and grab his hand and continue walking with him and he’ll get all flustered and grumble under his breath about people being around
- highkey doesn’t want you to wear revealing clothes because he doesn’t like it when others ogle at you. that body is his to touch and his alone, so seeing other people stare at you like some slab of meat isn’t going to fly without a slightly-pissed-off-yelling of “What the ‘ell are YOU looking at?” and him gripping you tighter to his body. he gets jealous rlly easily
- it’s not so much women that make him angry, he doesn’t like to get mad at women in particular just because he sees it as a sign of disrespect. if a GUY is doing it though the fucker is gonna get his face beat into the ground. he’s not fucking around, and may poor guy that dares to think he is when it comes to you will find that they’re sorely mistaken. he can and will do anything to protect you, even if that means beating the shit out of some guy publicly just to make the point clear that you’re taken
- if his violence scares you at all, he probably will try to keep his job and his more erratic nature away from you so as to not drive you away. once he’s gotten used to you it’ll feel weird to have you gone because of some dumb thing he did, and so he tries to avoid that situation at all costs. you mean more to him than anything else, and your word is law
- in any fight you guys get into he’s mostly pretty cool and collected, but there are occasional bursts from his cold exterior. usually he’ll play the ‘I’m not mad, you’re just being irrational’ care, which will result in more outburst on your part and eventually his inevitable angry venting. he tries not to do it, but after a while he does apologize and doesn’t start anything a long time after that. like I previously said he’s too scared of loosing you, so he tries not to make anything he does cause that
- probably would feel more safe protecting you than you protecting yourself. it’s not that he doubts your skill! he just doesn’t want you to get hurt. and he’s fairly certain bodyguards are much more powerful than just one person, right? you’re basically treated like a piece of valuable jewelry at all times
- low key pampers you. like,,, if you say that you like a particular item ONCE you best believe you’ll get it ASAP as far as he’s concerned. he gets you all sorts of stuff; clothes he thinks you’d like, clothes HE likes, etc etc. you could simply say that he likes to make you the happiest he can at all times, but perfectly understands if you’re more simplistic and really just enjoy his company. he probably feels more secure with someone who’s simplistic really, it lets him know that he doesn’t need to constantly get them things to keep them by his side
- would most likely loose his shit if you ever got anything for him. like in a Oh My God Thank You But Why™️ way because he doesn’t actually get gifts that often? literally anything will make him happy, but little homemade things really make his heart melt. you painted him a picture? he’s going to frame that shit and put it in his office dude
- he may be a mob boss but that doesn’t mean he’s always hard and macho, he kind of just needs to be held every once and a while. just hold him, pls he needs it
- all in all he cares a lot about you, and in the end he can’t bear the sight of you even slightly distressed or hurt. he’d lay down his life for you, and if that requires that he protects you at all costs and eliminates all threats then so be it, because he’d die in his spot before he let the enemy get to you
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