#i am just feeling very hopeless rn

[amywritesthings]

i may be fighting my insurance company to authorize my life-or-death birth control for my endo for the fourth time this month, but at least you guys have been combating my depressive spiral by being so enthusiastic and kind about press four and silver underground. 🩷

i am so very grateful for your support and outpour of love and enthusiasm, i'm not kidding when you say this blog is my lifeline.

[andiaquarium-moved]

^_^…

[merkerlerspeaks]

*exhibits symptoms of disorders you have been diagnosed with and just so happen to also be depression symptoms, but isnt actually depressed*

People: Hmm I diagnose you with depression

[virtualmosshroom]

in a weird headspace

[piplupod]

every single room is a mess, bugs are everywhere, i need to figure out how to drop out of my college program without my mother increasing in her abuse, and I just hope that the new medication numbs me right out of all emotions because I don't think I can handle this genuinely constant anxiety much longer. I'm shaky and dizzy all day from being so on edge and overwhelmed and exhausted, and I cannot do anything for it because my situation is so hellish with no way of leaving or escaping other than packing a bag and going to a shelter which is Not an option for me lmao

these are the times when I am painfully reminded how little society cares about abuse, especially child abuse. there's no resources and no system to help anyone if you're unable to hold yourself up on your own two legs and work a full time job

[e77y]

[samcat18]

It's really wild how lack of sleep and hormones and an inability to cope gracefully with change can absolutely TANK me looking forward to next week at all

[coridallasmultipass]

.

[snekdood]

If you believe the shit my abuser says about me and use that as your reason to not listen to trans men who are vocal about our issues then you dont care about trans rights. you make all of your moves based off of drama and a desire to keep the clique pristine.

[fandomlit]

reunited (sirius black x reader)

summary after a year free from azkaban, sirius is dying to leave number twelve grimmauld place. but after a year of also craving to see you, one of his wishes is met.

warnings mentions of loneliness and depression

a/n if you couldn't tell i'm on a harry potter kick rn (requests please!!!)

gif cred belongs to @peaceseller

sirius was losing his mind sitting around headquarters. with little to do other than to stare at his family's old possessions and vanquish bitter creatures (and kreatcher), he was beginning to harbor a feeling similar to his time in azkaban--not nearly as hopeless, but just as desperately bored.

he heard the door open from the armchair he had been lounging in and a voice gasp, "professor l/n!" before the screeches of his mother filled the hall. he jumped to his feet--not due to the screams, he was truly becoming used to that--but at the sound of your name.

someone managed to close the curtains around his mother's portrait as he practically ran down the stairs. the last time he had glimpsed you had been too brief, not even being able to show you that he was there in his disguised animagus form. when dumbledore told him he had recruited you, sirius was less than surprised, but desperate for the day you would finally drop by headquarters. when after fourteen long years, he would get to speak to you. and, as he reached the last step, you were finally here.

"old bat never liked me," you were chuckling, shaking your head at harry, ron, and hermione as you faced the drawn curtains. "screamed very similar to that in person, as well." ron spoke something to you just as your gaze landed on sirius, who was still clutching the banister with his mouth slightly agape.

you were just as beautiful as the day he last saw you. your face was more mature than he had last seen and you were an inch or two taller, but you still had that bright glint in your eyes, like you were always on the verge of a joke, and a confidence in your stance that no one he had ever met managed to compare to.

he was muttering your name before he even realized it. he was acutely aware of the trio flipping their gazes between the two of you.

you smiled fondly at him. "sirius black, you finally grew out your hair!"

he couldn't help the grin that spread across his face as he opened his arms, walking toward you quicker than he would have cared for you to acknowledge. luckily, you met him halfway and let his arms squeeze you tightly to him. he let out an unconscious laugh.

"holy merlin, i never thought i'd ever touch you again," he confessed before realizing how odd it sounded. but you only responded with a laugh of your own.

"me neither," you confessed, drawing black slightly to see his grinning face. "but lord am i glad you're not the murderer the world was tricked to think." his smile dimmed in the slightest, but even those difficult thoughts couldn't weigh his heart down. you were actually here. "how's the old house treating you?"

he raised his eyebrows at you. "really? just going to keep bringing up the worst things of my day-to-day?"

you let out a laugh that he couldn't help but grin at. "i'm sorry, i am." you smiled fondly again as you two drew completely apart, but sirius kept your hand clamped in his and you squeezed it to show you didn't mind it. you shook your head at him. "godric, you look good! for a convict and blood traitor, you look like a dream, sirius!"

he let out a loud laugh this time, glimpsing the trio all trading glances behind you two. "you should see yourself! hogwarts has been kind to you, my dear." you let out a surprised sound at the old nickname. "you haven't changed an ounce, y/n. you're the same woman i dreamed of on my worst nights."

he took pride in the pink that crept up your neck. "you're a slightly aged version of the man i couldn't keep out of my dreams," you admitted. sirius smiled. "no matter what they said about you sirius.. my mind could never let you go."

he pressed your locked hands to his heart, soft gaze holding yours in what he hoped didn't look at all like the desperation he felt. "now it never has to." you pulled him into a wordless hug before he slipped his arm around your shoulders and lead you toward the kitchen.

sirius knew that later, away from the eyes of the curious teenagers of the house, you two would share a heavy hearted moment. one where he wouldn't be able to deny himself the exhaustion of his hardships in your presence, which has always been able to get past his tough, playful facade. but for now, the way you smiled and joked and radiated in his presence gripped his heart in a way that wasn't at all like he had felt in years.

[venusandsaturnsrings]

The school year finally ended... I hate college SO much :( but I am alive!! I beg for some crumbs of thoughts on Sunday... -chubby darling anon who is very much alive and finally got a mitsuri scale figure <3

putting all of my other fics, blurbs, and asks on PAUSE for this!! congrats!! no more school foorrr… 3ish months!! after dropping out of uni, i’ve been finally considering going back myself for phlebotomy!! canadas health situation is lack lustre rn and the course is less than one year + paid practicum + immediate job placement which is kinda sweet… CONGRATS ON THE FIGURE TOO!! i recently (like a month and a half ago) procured the hatsune miku jirai kei subculture fashion figure and i cannot stress how pretty she is <3 sits on my pc right now bc my shelves are full… ANYWAYS… love you!!

includes: silly sunday hcs, potential story spoilers, maybe ooc im still feeling him out, praise, degradation, riding crops, his hands…, and gender neutral reader!!

very poignantly the hopeless romantic type. he’s always functioned as a ‘singularity’ of sorts and over the years developed a certain fondness of it, even if it hurts. it’s worth noting he vividly reminds me of the line ‘i miss the comfort in being sad,’ from nirvanas ‘Frances Farmer Will Have Her Revenge on Seattle.’ he’s the type of partner to always be stuck in that self-absorbed martyr mindset a little bit.

pragmatic to a fault. Sunday is deeply a skeptic, take his departure from the harmony in favour of the order, as an example. it’s cool because it means you’ll never have to worry about any technicalities but it also means he has a hard time letting go of control or being spontaneous.

very into more subtle romantic gestures and an absolute gentleman. you’ll have flowers at your door at least once a week and he makes sure to take all of your preferences into consideration when planning dates (he will be the one planning). keeps his hand on your lower back most of the time, the waist is far too scandalous!!

not a big texter. he prefers speaking face to face and will call if he can’t come see you. that said, he’ll make sure to like or respond to all of the silly pictures and messages you send, even if it’s a dry ‘haha’ or just a heart. occasionally, you’ll find that he’s sent you a letter, ask about and he’ll shrug and say he simply wanted something more heartfelt if he’s to communicate written. he’s got a special stamp to seal the ones he sends you.

grabs your phone when you go to show him something. no explanation i just feel it in my bones.

although he’s no singer, he’s still a classically trained musician. i imagine he was taught the violin but went on to learn his preferred instrument, the harp, himself. he’s a bit shy about playing so rather than asking, just wait until he thinks it’s late and you’re not around to hear; he’s got quite the set of fingers.

…speaking of fingers, my bread and butter, he’s beyond skilled with playing you. while he enjoys getting down to business, getting to leisurely spread you open and thrum against all your nerves gets him going. could spend hours having you laid out, in his lap, on the floor, wherever, just gently coaxing you open, wet, and pliant for himself.

off of that, he likes you best worn down to soft edges and weak desperation. getting to play the saviour, making you come undone, has him stiff in his pants.

lots of sweet praise and subtle degradation. things like, “you want to be good for me, don’t you my sweet?,” or, “now, now, don’t get greedy on me. be patient, silly thing, and i’ll appease all of your foolish whims,” annddd, “come now, you’ve been so well for me, angel, don’t ruin that with any useless whines.”

he’s not one for being too harsh against you but push the right buttons and you’ll get a ‘dumb’ or ‘stupid’ here and there. Sunday doesn’t curse but he knows his way around how to make you feel inferior and looked down upon.

he likes the power play of staying fully and pristinely clothed while your completely nude, save for maybe a pretty collar he’s got you belled with. if you’re real trouble, say maybe a no good criminal causing problems on Penacony and once arrested you’re at his disposal and oh so pretty, he’ll find a nice muzzle to fix you with.

strikes, no pun intended, me as the type to have an affinity for riding crops over anything else for punishments. you’ll get the same sugarcoated degradation while he comments on how you’re not even good enough to be so close to his gloved hand that he just must use the crop!! (he likes the pretty bruises it leaves).

[estcaligo]

Problematic post, dark content, if you don't like dark topics - skip this

I have this absolutely masochistic desire to read a series of fics with each twst character, theme: rejection. + upd:some general headcanons

Reader conferences to them and they reject prefect's feelings. 100% angst, no comfort, some disturbing warnings too.

Specifically I want to see :

Hanahaki with Sebek. He wants to be with you but can't because duties. OR he doesn't even want to, he's 100% focused on duties and you're a nuance, go disappear, useless dirt. (I have 10000+ sad scenarios for Sebek...)

Humiliation, degradation, bodyshaming with Vil aka "Have you even seen yourself? What was going on in that ugly head of yours that you could even consider such possibility? No, don't touch me with those ugly fingers."

"You're not a match for me" with Leona.

"Very funny. But I AM a prince after all. What can you offer me? Are you an important ally? A monarch from any country? Maybe you're a valuable business partner? No? Didn't think so. Now move, you're blocking the sun."

"We belong to different worlds" with Malleus. Everything here screams doomed romance. Your life is so short - it's like a second for him. He's a prince, the heir to the throne, a powerful fae, the mighty dragon and one of the strongest mages in the world. And you? You're a grain of sand in his life. Useless, bleak, weak grain of sand.

Manipulation and gaslighting and even enslaving with Azul. Manipulating you into dating, making you fall for him and then sign a bunch of horrible contracts. The contents of those contracts? Trust me, you don't want to know....he makes you do horrible things. Disgusting things. Truly sorry for you.

Public humiliation and playing with your feelings - Ace.

"I was just messin' with ya. Did ya think we were a thing? Are you that naïve or actually stupid? Nah why r u crying rn. It's not my fault you're so fucking stupid lol"

Ghosting with Idia. It was clear from the start - it wasn't going to go well. You're too different… No, it's him who doesn't deserve you. You tried to make it work, but… Idia just can't communicate well. And you're kind of tired of it, too. At first, you did try to reach out, you asked him to talk about it… but he just kept ghosting you. Not a single word to explain why he doesn't want to see you anymore. It's unfair. It hurts.

Jack? Your presence makes him uncomfortable. You just irritate him. You're so unserious. everything is a joke to you.

"Even now you're joking, right?" he said when you tried to confess to him. "I will never think of you as my partner. You're not a match for a wolf. Not with that attitude. I bet you can't even imagine what a lifelong partner means." He didn't mean to be rude, just clear. But it hurts, because you truly love him. And yet, he will never even look at you that way. The best decision would be to never see him again.

Lilia is mischievous, everyone knows that. But you didn't think he would do this to you. Play with your feelings just like that. All that occasional teasing, random hair stroking, small kisses on the cheek… he made your heart flutter every time. But when you decided to confess?

"Fufu, young people are so hopeless these days. Sorry, little bat. I'm not interested."

Not interested. That’s what he said. After doing all this to you. Luring you in and then breaking your heart like it was nothing.

Spoiler: it leads to suicide and not Lilia's.

not rejection, just some headcanons

Floyd - Kinda dating but with much much physical abuse. Domestic violence. Rape too. You're bruised 24/7 in those relationship. Consent? Never heart of it. He's touching you where he wants, when he wants. Your opinion doesn't matter. Say a word and he'll break your ribs again. You're so annoying, jeez. You were supposed to be fun, why're you nagging all the time...Blood suits you now, dear.

Jade - Oh, he he was so charming at the beginning. And by charming I mean fucking mind games, but it was so captivating and you just couldn't resist his charm and by charm I mean manipulation. In the end - makes you his test subject. He kills you and grows mushrooms on your corpse. Scary but eco friendly!

Rook - It started with stalking. He followed you everywhere, he "occasionally" stumbled upon you in every corridor. You constantly felt someone's gaze wherever you went. Eventually, he confessed, but you made the mistake of rejecting him.

"Sorry, Rook, I think Cupid's arrow missed this time" you tried to joke. Too bad.

"He might miss sometimes, but I don't."

Yes, he shoots you because "if you don't want to become 'us,' there will be no 'you' at all."

[toorurii]

if you had to make a dating sim of your ocs who would be in it!!

oh my god anon you don’t even know......... I am the dating sim / otome guy of like 11 years this is my REALM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Tbqh I have a little side project on the backburner of making a mini gimmick-y dating sim so initially the answer is like. All of them (though I do plan to make an entire new round of ocs for it so nothing weird happens) but lets see if I can whip up a cast real fast

Basic loverboy route would be Vlad! He's the classic quirky sweet guy with no crazy skeletons in his closet. His route could have a little angst / hurt-comfort in it though on his end bc he does have an aversion to seeing people bleed if anyones into that (hes a vampire so....the math)

Slightly meaner would be Sachiko! She's not purposefully mean but definitely pretty aloof and blunt, sort of like the '🙄 gosh ur so hopeless' type of vibe but she loves u. It's very slowburn with her and a big thing is getting close enough for her to share HER love as opposed to just taking (She's a Demon god, specifically Greed!).

GENUINELY mean route for the tsun-likers out there is Mateo! He's like NOT nice but he's very comically mean and entitiled in a way where it's funny / almost pathetic. She's more actions speak louder than words though so while she's spewing venom she'll still stick around through thick and thin! There's also so much repressed mess with her so the layers need to be peeled back

sorry that it's a sketch and 5 whole pixels I’m revamping her rn but Biancas the more mysterious and dangerous route (only for the girlies)! She's like a top notch assassin so I can imagine setups where either the MC is her mark or MC witnesses something they Shouldn't. The way to her heart is to get under her skin bc she's very guarded with a nonchalant front which makes talking to her a minefield

Final 'True' route would be Dizzy I feel! They're shrouded in 1000 layers of nuance, symbolism, and mystery and they're sort of a freakazoid at first glance (and just sort of unpleasant / mean-girl-esque... they're also very fast to throw the first punch a lot) but in the end they're a lover through and through and it becomes clear at some point that they would do Very Heinous Acts for love.

anyway... ty for asking I have a problem ❤️ There are def more ocs I could have included bc I have a bajillion of them and also some ocs that cannot be near a relationship with a 10 ft pole but I still want them (Miah.....Agape.......... Basile.... Harlem...)

[i-amyou]

I hate saying this because I’m going to sound like someone that hasn’t accepted that this is all an illusion and THAT, but I swear it isn’t. Just bare with me for this short time, pls

I’m watching my life fall apart before my eyes. And I feel so hopeless rn. because it’s like, for example, 2 minutes before something CATASTROPHIC happens in my life, you would have found me just living in peace, in full bliss, just enjoying my presence as awareness. Like I be feeling SO good (Ik there’s no “I” to feel, but I have to use these limiting terms), then boom. Something crazy happens, and not in a good way, and it always leaves me feeling super shitty and bad and it makes me forget everything I’ve learned in my “journey”. It’s getting worse every time, my body feels anxious, physically aching.

And this all feels so backfiring for me, because I feel like I can’t do anything. Even when I accept that this is still all me, and I could “seemingly control” it all and make everything fine again, I feel like I can’t, at least that’s what happens when I decide I’m not going to experience something like that anymore. It simply doesn’t happen. It’s like all I do is try and try, when in the moment, it doesn’t feel like trying AT ALL. So I really don’t know what i am doing wrong.

Like okay. It’s all illusory, but why does the illusion still have to be so shitty and stressful to the point it makes me forget everything/who I truly am? I feel like I just wanna cry and get into a spiral rn, sorry for venting

Breathe. Inhale, exhale, breathe. It's okay, everything is. You're Okay. All appearances are only seeming, you're safe. Nothing, no experience ever has any power to harm you, okay? Breathe and stay with me here❤

If you feel like crying, Do it. Don't hold yourself back, just because you believe you're supposed to be All Knowing Omnipotent being. Don't be so hard on yourself, your experience is still THAT. Your tears, your sorrows, everything is only seeming. Breathe. And observe it all.

This need to do something, the frustration, the hopelessness you're experiencing right now? It's also very much YOU experiencing YOURSELF. Because everything is " " by nature. Take away all the labels and you'll be left with nothing, you cannot really define Or describe anything. It just IS.

"I'm doing something wrong" a seemingly appearing thought.

"Illusion is shitty" another seemingly appearing thought.

"To the point it makes me forget who I really am" A thought. You see where I'm getting with this?

This experience must be very difficult for you, I understand. But nothing can stop you from being " ". You're always THAT, regardless of everything.

Effortlessly noticing and observing is your nature, by default. You can't stop that, it doesn't come with a switch to turn it off.

But I need you to be aware of being aware, okay? Notice this. How you've always been only aware. All experiences have been through awareness. There is no "I" That could've possibly gotten hurt in any way, if doesn't exist.

Breathe. Don't focus too much on pointers, focus instead on where they're pointing. You're okay. No matter what happens, whatever you experience, breeze through it.

Notice. Be aware. Rest in that awareness.

[lueurjun]

hufflepuff boyfriend heeseung

feeling really inspired these days idk why, hence why the frequent posts. i might do a written scenario on this too. also lmk if you want more hogwarts enhypen. this is also really long so i’m very sorry about that but i’m running on no sleep it’s 5 am and i’m tired so pls if it’s bad cut me some slack aasdhfkfkdl enjoy

idc what anyone says lee heeseung screams hufflepuff to me

maybe bc i’m a hufflepuff and i want that man in my house

let me have my moment

for the sake of this you guys are also in hufflepuff because this was an impulsive burst of motivation I DONT HAVE A LOT TO WORK WITH RIGHT NOW PLS LET ME LIVE

change it in your mind if you’d like

anyways we’re going for the you fell first, he fell harder trope

i mean who wouldn’t fall at the mere sight of him?

you began harbouring a little crush on him during third year

specifically during potions class when he took the fall for you against snape after you messed up the shrinking potion

he wasn’t even mad. he just gave you a small smile and told you ( gently) to be more careful

you never messed up ever again because if lee heeseung tells you to be careful YOU BE CAREFUL

anyways yes from then on you’re all heart eyes for him any interaction leaves you a bumbling mess

he once sat down next to you in the great hall and you damn near drowned yourself in pumpkin juice

he didn’t reciprocate your crush until fifth year

he’s a lil slow but hey! we got there in the end

his crush specifically started after he got sick and had to spend some time in the hospital wing and you went to great lengths to get past madam pomfrey JUST to give him your notes

you’re an adorable little magic try hard for him like who would go to great lengths like you? no one heeseung should put a ring on it rn

or else i will

jkjk

unless…

ANYWAYS

you’re very good at hiding your crush ( for the most part other than the fact that you freeze whenever he’s around ) but you’re not completely hopeless

heeseung, on the other hand, is absolutely hopeless

anytime you’re in the vicinity this boy becomes a blushing mess

literally heart eyes for you

you notice that he’s acting different and at first it scares you because suddenly he seems distant

and you start panicking

so you go to sunghoon

bad idea

“is heeseung mad at me?”

“yes. he hates you.”

“WHAT?!”

cue jake stepping in with a wild look of panic on his face

“HE DOESN’T HATE YOU!! SUNGHOON WHAT ARE YOU DOING THIS IS OUR DEAR FRIENDS SOULMATE!!! WHY ARE YOU CAUSING TROUBLE?”

sunghoon just sips his pumpkin juice and goes: “funny”

it wasn’t funny you almost cried

little baby hogwarts student riki who follows them around found it hilarious tho

“HA GOOD ONE HYUNG”

jake is like a stressed out father

“riki nishimura eat your toast!”

and you’re just confused because you heard jake call you heeseung’s soulmate in a moment of stress

heeseung is blissfully unaware of the turmoil at the dinner table when he strolls into the great hall

though he goes paler than nearly headless nick when he sees you, his precious little soulmate, surrounded by the group of demon spawns he calls his friends

he manages to go even paler when you stand up and march towards him with a look of determination

and he’s taken by surprise when you yank his tie and drag him out of the great hall prompting many hoots and whistles from your friends

poor heeseung just wanted some breakfast

you pull him into a quiet corner and he’s absolutely petrified

“do you hate me?”

you surprise yourself with how blunt you are

it takes a moment for the question to register in heeseung’s mind and when it does…he starts?? laughing

like manically

him? hate you? that’s the funniest joke he’s ever been told

then he catches onto your ‘wtf’ look and realizes that you’re serious

mortified. sickened. DEVASTATED at the fact that you think he hates you

“no-no! oh my god! no no. i don’t hate you? HATE YOU? ME? Goodness no! I’m sorry I made you feel that way-it’s just…you make me nervous and you’re really good looking and i think-no i KNOW! I KNOW i’m in love with you. please don’t hate me”

honestly you aren’t sure what you was expecting but it definitely wasn’t that

you’re at a loss of words because holy shit

lee heeseung likes- no! no he said loves! he loves you

there’s no words that come out

instead you dry heave and heeseung nearly sobs at the fact that he made you almost throw up with his confession

and that makes him dry heave

so there you both are in the corridor continuously heaving

jake, sunghoon and riki are peeking around the corner watching the whole exchange

one looks perplexed, and the other two look absolutely delighted

“bet you five galleons heeseung throws up first”

“you’re on”

“you are not betting on our friends failure! and riki stop gambling you’re like six”

anyways back to the shit show which is confession land

both of you manage to keep down the contents inside your stomach much to the dismay of sunghoon and riki

“i wasn’t- i got nervous!” you try to explain

“it’s completely fine! i wasn’t meant to confess like that and i already knew you weren’t like-into me—“

sunghoon has had enough

bro pops out from around the corner

“they’ve liked you since before merlin was even cruising around! just date already and spare me of this torture!”

everyone say thank you to sunghoon because after his help, the two of you start dating

finally! this took longer than i anticipated-i got carried away very sorry! okay continue

THE RELATIONSHIP YAY EVERYONE APPLAUD

the professors definitely shipped it and had bets on you both

snape owed mcgonagall twenty galleons

even dumbledore was in on it

holding hands under the table is an absolute must

heeseung does this thing when he senses you getting a bit stressed out in class where he’ll rub his thumb over the back of your hand

finding you both curled up together in the common room is a regular occurrence

you’re both devastatingly awkward but in the cutest way

that’s also really painful to watch sometimes

cue your friend group watching you get all blushy and flustered after shamelessly flirting with each other

“someone break them up before i avada kedavra myself here and now”

dragging heeseung by the tie is a common occurrence

and he has a thing for walking behind you gripping the sides of your shirt or robes

you’re both terribly protective of each other

if anyone hurts heeseung’s feelings, oh boy! not even voldemort would be able to stop you

“did they just insult you, hee? i think they did. HEY YOU! SAY THAT TO HIM AGAIN AND WATCH HOW FAST I RIP EVERY HAIR OUT OF YOUR SCALP, YOU TOAD!”

and if anyone upsets you? oh boy.

he literally shaved someone’s eyebrows off for making you cry. man knows no consequence when it comes to protecting his partner

you both get really shy about pda

so that means whenever you want to share a peck, one of you will hold up a book to hide your faces

making out in the restricted section is a must

the two of you start sneaking off and it becomes noticeable to your friends

“where are they?”

“probably swallowing each others tongues”

when they finally investigate they find out that the two of you have been sneaking off to read muggle stories to each other in the abandoned bathroom

even moaning myrtle cringes at how in love the two of you are

the two of you are really happy

and everyone else is happy that you’re happy

“dibs on naming the future child!”

“sunghoon you are absolutely never naming our baby”

“why not? sunghoon jr lee has a nice ring to it”

you manage to compromise and agree to let sunghoon be the best man at your wedding

he did get the two of you together

perhaps the two of you should repay the favour and find him a match?

[fettuccin-e]

I am high as fuck rn and I started getting all mushy and emotional abt my catholic upbringing and like losing faith and THEN I started getting emotional abt sweet Frankie and then I just started writing and this is horribly unedited and written in prob like 5 minutes pls be nice to me i am fragile lol (there is like a lot blasphemy in this and also cunnilingus just be warned hehe)

~~~

Frankie doesn’t pray much these days. His mamá raised him in the eye of the Lord, church every Sunday in his very best, hands folded in front of him. Christmas masses, Easter Sundays.

After he went into Delta, he lost sight of God, of everything he’d ever gleaned from the old dusty bibles laying around his childhood home. Any semblance of faith wiped away and replaced with blood on his hands, a gun braced against his shoulder. Faith was beaten out of him and replaced with blind patriotism before he too was left behind. Forced to return to society broken and used and hopeless.

But you. You showed him different, showed him how to live again. You found him, a broken man working to leave behind a drug-addled past, with a daughter visiting every other weekend and an ex-wife wanting nothing to do with him.

He finds it funny that you met him just outside of a church, at the Salvation Army store the next building over. Trash bags full of old clothes weighing down your shoulders, a grateful smile when he offered to help. And he swears, in that moment, he saw a glimpse of God in your smile.

And in the months since that day, between countless dates and fights and sex and sweet kisses in the morning light, Frankie thinks he finds faith again.

Frankie doesn’t pray much anymore, except between your thighs.

In the evening quiet, crickets chirping outside and soft sounds coming from the old television in your living room, Frankie finds salvation on his knees.

He whispers his prayers in sweet nothings against your skin, begging you for love, for your patience, for your saving grace. You’re happy to provide, a far more loving god than the one he grew up believing in.

He drinks up the wetness of your cunt like the blood of Christ, relishing in the taste of you on his tongue. You’re soft and sweet and forgiving.

You absolve his sins with your fingers curling through his hair, your praise filtering in his ears. He devotes his mind, his body, his soul to you as you suck in air through your teeth, letting him bring you to orgasm over and over and over again.

This is his penance, his confession. No priest or military general can hurt him here. He is safe, he is not alone.

So when you tug him up from between your legs to meet him in a soft, slow kiss, Frankie finally feels free. Free of pain and suffering, of responsibility and guilt.

He doesn’t mind if heaven waits for him after death, as long as he gets this one life with you.