#and its been that way for awhile. <6 hours of sleep a day

[dragons-and-yellow-roses]

I accidentally came into work early, whoops, not my fault tho because my boss refuses to make my schedule normal. He used to have me work 6am-4pm on Sundays, which is a nightmare but whatever. But I checked my schedule today and realized I was scheduled to come in at 7am. I could've had an extra hour of sleep. I could've. But it means I get to go home an hour earlier than I thought!

But. I haven't done anything today. Not a thing. Sunday is our slowest day, there have been less than ten customers in the two hours I've been here so I've just been on my phone. I did Duolingo for a bit, now I'm on Tumblr. I'm getting paid to learn Spanish and waste my life on social media. This is delightful.

[posttexasstressdisorder]

Tapering down...

It's no secret on here that I'm a depressed old fuck who's barely surviving. I've been taking two antidepressants for the last few years, Sertraline (Zoloft) and Mirtazipine (Remeron).

I love the Mirtazipine because it helps me fall asleep at night and STAY asleep. Insomnia was one of my main symptoms...for years on end I never strung together more than an hour and a half of sleep at a time. If I take the Mirts right as I'm hittin' the bed, I fall asleep within 20 mins. Those I have no problem with.

Talked to the doc about 6 months ago about tapering down off the max Zoloft dose (150mg/day) and finally getting off them totally. Why? They never really seemed to DO anything. There may have been a slight sense of relief after awhile, but I never really FELT any kind of effect, and no real benefit, other than the possible "I'm taking meds now so I must be getting better" thing you have to tell yourself before they "kick in".

So, I tapered down to just 100mg for a couple months and then took the 50mg's until they were gone. Been completely off them for a few weeks now. Haven't really felt much different, nothing really negative, other than possibly feeling "hopeless" once in a while, which, frankly, anybody in my position WOULD feel.

My reason for writing this out? I never really considered that they might be masking some of my emotional range. After the big news of the day yesterday, after a few hours of sensing the giddiness in the ether, I just started crying. I know that's a perfectly fine reaction to have when something that's been horrible gets RESOLVED, at least on a certain level. It's a release of tension.

But there was more to it. Posted some videos, and listening to all the music, it just made me weep all that much more. And this was genuine grief...grief at the loss of what all those songs represented to me, to my own Personal Mythological Framework, as it were.

And yet, deep down I knew that it wasn't just the loss of The '60s Protest movement, or specifically 1967, The Summer of Love and what IT represents to me.

I think enough of the sertraline has flushed from my system now that my emotional body is releasing pent-up grief. I've written about my two Gemini loves, born a day apart, died nine years apart. That birthday anniversary has always been difficult to get through, but last night's flow of tears finally wound its way to that core pain.

I'm one of those people who has to know WHY.

Once the WHY is satisfied, the letting go can happen.

My last therapist was essentially a Buddhist witch, and I always struggled with what she said about the death(s), but it hit home on a deeper level last night. Her words? Essentially that we have to eventually get enough distance from it and see the "Rightness" of it.

That's a seemingly callous idea, but it's really not.

If someone dies, think of their lives and the trajectory they were on, and the trajectory the world has taken since their death. Eventually there will be a sense of "yes, that somehow HAD to happen for THIS to happen"...a sense of "rightness" in that definition is strange to feel, once you get to it. You may never GET to it...it may always be "THE GREAT WRONG" in your life.

Gemini 1 (my sweetie, my soulmate) died July 15, 2012; Gemini 2 (my bro the soldier) died four days after the January 6th attack, on January 10, 2021. I'm still surrounded by the detritus of both their lives, in my sweetie's case, I have every piece of art she made between Junior College and the day she died. In the case of my Bro, it's all the computer parts and tools and family camping stuff that hasn't seen the light of day in over 20 years.

I know that I've hung onto much of it out of desperation, out of duty and loyalty to their memory, their lives...but it is currently holding me back, and I can feel that. I have to find the stomach to go down to the garage and just start taking pictures of all the tech and camping stuff and being realistically ruthless about what I actually CAN and CAN'T use and hit CL and eBay with whatever might bring a buck.

Up until last night, the idea of that was just too overwhelming. I think last night's emotional release had an effect. Not sure just how any of it is going to happen, but I have to face all that crap down there and get rid of 90%, leaving only Char's artwork and a few tools i can use, and then finding a cheaper storage solution for what's left.

Especially since the evil landlords jacked the rent on the garage up another fucking $25 as of this coming month.

And back to that "Rightness" thing. I finally thought about that in terms of what has happened in the world since they both respectively left. I am certain my sweetie would not believe the shit that has gone on in the last 12 years. I'm pretty sure my bro's poor broken body would not have made it through the ensuing years, especially after that last bizarre injury.

It's a strange thing to see that from the distance of time. And last night's catharsis was certainly tied to it, but I'm sensing there was a component tied to the tapering off the sertraline. No more emotional masking, possibly there will be more peace of mind going forward, I can never be sure, as I pick up just about everything energetically. (Why I have to go "SHIELDS UP, SCOTTY!" while I'm out and about, and self-isolate so much of the time.)

We do have so much to grieve. It never really ends. You have to feel it ALL. You have to release it. You have to see the "rightness" of it when you look at the world in its entirety. The sertraline's masking of the intense sadness finally being gone facilitated the bulk of it, I'm pretty sure.

[brendanbrissonwh0re2]

Tolerate it. (Luke Hughes)

based off the song tolerate it by Taylor Swift.

CW: reader is younger (18)

((( background: Luke and i had met when he first moved to jersey i ran into him at the grocery store... long story short that day started the worst relationship of my life.)))

I woke up to the worst nightmare i have ever had i took one look at luke and it made me relax waking up in the middle of the night and watching luke breathing with his eyes closed always helped me feel better, not many had known about our relationship luke has always told me that people might find it weird that were dating because im so much younger than him but i never cared about our age gape i know luke loves me. He's older than me so he knows more i wont tell anyone about our relationship plus he tells me the fans will hate on us.

((the next morning))

" good morning babe" i say to luke as im cooking egg's he doesn't respond just walks past me. "how was your sleep" i ask, once again no response...

" i gotta go do practice babe, do you mind cleaning up while im gone this place is in a mess" he says "yeah of course i can, have a good practice" "yeah ok" after luke leaves i spend hours cleaning the apartment just so i can please him. i was so excited for today because it was our 1 year anniversary, but he doesn't seem to care too much...

((6:00pm))

I started on dinner, i made luke favorite chicken pasta i used the fancy plates too.

By the time luke gets home it was about 6:30 i stand by the door waiting him " mm babe you made my favorite, but why did you use the fancy plates you know we only use those for special occasions" "luke you're joking right" i say, no way he forgot our anniversary "joking about what?" he responds "luke you forgot about our anniversary" i say in disbelief tears threaten to fall from my waterline "what no babe our anniversary is next month you've got it wrong somehow" " no i don't have it wrong, its today" i say "ok y/n chill no need to get upset just sit down and eat the food, our anniversary is next month,do you really think i would forget something so important" "you're right luke, so how was practice you came home quite late where were you?" “At practice?” He answered with an annoyed questioning tone “practice ran that late?” “YES Y/N PRACTICE RAN THAT LATE” he yells “ok” I respond quietly

After dinner

I was lying in bed while Luke was in the bathroom when I saw a text notification on his phone

From: Ava

Had a great time today ;)

As soon as I read that text my heart dropped

I heard Luke walk out of the bathroom and into his room I quickly throw down his phone with tears spilling out of my eyes. “Woah what’s wrong baby” Luke says with a look of fake concern on his face, “ YOU CHEATER” I yelled through tears. “IVE DONE EVERYTHING FOR YOU LUKE, I COOK FOR YOU, I CLEAN FOR YOU, AND YOU JUST TOLERATE IT” I fully start to cry “y/n what are you talking about, are you ok?” While he’s talking I put on his shoes and head to the front door. “No luke I’m not ok, every time I point out something wrong in our relationship you call me crazy, or say it’s all in my head but it’s not, I knew you were cheating on me” “baby no I’m not cheating on you, what would make you think that?” Luke responds “really Luke if you’re not cheating on me than who is Ava” as soon as I said her name Luke stops and stares at me, he knows he guilty, he knows I’ve caught him. “I’m done Luke” I sigh and open his apartment door to leave.

A/n: this is lowkey bad sry it’s been awhile since I’ve wrote something 😭

[thesewickedwonders]

I was tagged by the always lovely @abyronicgentleperson to do this! I’ve been working so it’s a few days late. Kinda long so boom read more

Name: Adrian

Sign: Sagittarius, though I’ve been known to occasionally show Aquarius traits

Height: 5’7”

Time: 11AM as of writing this!

Birthday: November 30th

Favourite bands/artists: Florence + the Machine, Daughter, Laura Veirs, Japanese Breakfast, Ryan Beatty; I have many as you can see but these are the ones I usually have on repeat at any given time (Bjork and Kate Bush are making their way onto this list, I just haven’t heard all of their work yet)

Last movie: Maurice dir. by James Ivory, I think. Maybe Everything Everywhere All At Once

Last show: I genuinely have no idea. I haven’t watched a show in ages

When I created this blog: 2011….its been awhile

What I post: It’s changed over the years but atm it’s a combo of art, random cool stuff, and lots of cute boys

Last thing I Googled: The Collected Autobiographies of Maya Angelou; I’m looking for a nice copy of it to read them all

Other blogs: Oh I have many. The two I used the most often tho are for art exclusively and for more explicit pics of boys. Links to both are in my bio

Do I get asks?: Hardly ever! Tho I always welcome both them and messages if anyone wants to chat

Following: 232

Followers: 180

Average hours of sleep: 6-9, depending on how strenuous work is

Instruments: Cello! Hoping to get into the piano soon

What I’m wearing: An old camp t-shirt (I’m a counselor there every summer!) and some shorts, nothing too crazy

Dream job: One day I’ll open up a queer bookstore. Aside from that, writing and doing art (comics one day would be v cool)!!

Dream trip: Next up on the list are France (all over), and Amsterdam (for the Van Gogh Museum). Probably San Francisco to see my best friend in the near future as well. I’d also love to head to Europe to bother some of my mutuals in person, haha

Nationality: Mexican-American

Last book I read: Finished, Berserk Deluxe Vol. One. Currently in the middle of Maurice by E.M. Forster (first time, book the movie I mentioned earlier is based on) and The 101 Dalmatians by Dodie Smith (a reread)

Favourite songs: Cactus Tree by Joni Mitchell. I can just loop that on repeat for so long its ridiculous. Song wise I can't think of much but album wise Titanic Rising by Weyes Blood, Vespertine by Björk, all of Florence's albums. I love music so there's a lot more haha

I think those are all the questions!! I tag @za1-01 @cubeboy95 and anyone else who wants to do it! (And if y'all don't wanna either there's no pressure either ❤️)

[thedaveandkimmershow]

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 10

With my first alarm having tripped at 330AM and our previous night having been lengthened by that healthy bit of Back to the Future 3, we couldn't have got more than four hours of sleep. If that.

Still, the reality of catching our flight brought us to immediate lucidity and we were out the door by 420.

The DoubleTree's not more than five minutes from Doug Fox Parking and, since the shuttle snaps us right up and delivers us to the terminal, we check our bags in by 445. That's fifteen minutes before our Spot Saver appointment that cuts us to the front of the TSA check point line. Unfortunately, Spot Saver actually starts service at 5AM and the person who's supposed to run it isn't there yet. Isn't there yet.

Isn't there yet.

So we bail and get through the TSA check point in less time than we were standing around waiting for Spot Saver to open.

Go figure.

We're through the check point by 515, boarded a little after 545, and by 6 I'm already starting to nod off again, spending this first leg of our flight somewhere between fully awake... and fully asleep.

We manage a quick change of flight in Denver then we're in the air again, reaching Orlando a touch after five in the afternoon. We spent that flight, by the way, studying (Kimmer) and reading (me).

From Orlando International Airport (MCO), we hitch a Lyft. Actually... no we don't. We summon a Lyft whose ETA keeps changing, stretching 7 minutes into 30. And when the app indicates our ride's arrived?

Yeah. We can't find it, subsequently getting a call from the driver that they're on the level above us (departures) and can't find the route down to us. At which point both the driver and I decide this was not meant to be and I summon an Uber instead that shows up five minutes later.

The Uber driver's from Haiti and, as with a number of drivers from countries currently undergoing or having undergone outright war or violent oppression, his story is at times a bitter pill. There's more to him that just the negative, of course. He has family that's here in the States right now. I think his dad's the only member of the family who's staying put because he's very much an I was born here, I'm gonna die here kind of human being.

By 'n by, we bid each other fare thee wells at Universal's Endless Summer Dockside Resort. We stayed here a couple nights last year, spending a day in Universal Studios theme park before heading off to immerse ourselves in Disney which, as it turns out, sort of cured us of Disney for awhile, so now its all Universal all the time for us for the foreseeable future.

Now, the line to check in's kinda long but there's a family with a baby in a stroller ahead of us so we amuse ourselves (and the baby) by waving and making faces. The baby has an older brother who also serves as entertainment and, before you know it, we're at the desk checking in.

We don't realize it until later when we open the door to our room that the super nice person who checked us in also upgraded us to a suite after handing us a pair of buttons to commemorate our 31st wedding anniversary. She even wrote out 31st Anniversary by hand with a Sharpie. And she recommended what she considers to be one of the best taco restaurants around because Kimmer mentioned her love of authentic Mexican food.

By the time we're squared away in our room, it's coming up on 8 which is pretty all right because we've had a long day and we choose to end it as if we were home: with an episode of Madame Secretary and continuing a Harry Potter movie. In this case it's the beginning of Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows Part 1 where they're all set to take off from Number 4 Privet Drive, attempting to confuse and avoid Death Eaters.

At some point in there... we fall asleep.

And then at some other point I wake up briefly, use the remote to turn off the TV, then fall back asleep again.

Thus endeth our first day in Orlando.

🙂

[bike42]

Dublin 8/31/2023

Uneventful trip over the pond. We had a late morning departure from Madison which always feels good with the opportunity to workout, shower and have a leisurely breakfast at home before a long day of travel. Ryan dropped us off at MSN, which no doubt will cause us confusion when we return in October and try to remember where we left our car!

Quick flight to Detroit. I got an upgrade from Delta Plus to First Class which means I sat next to a chatty stranger versus JT (he also got a late upgrade after we were on the plane). Anyway, my seat mate was an ER doc working on setting up an Opioid Addiction clinic, which was interesting. He said he never drinks caffeine but he polished off a large frappe as he was sitting down and he talked my ear off. When we landed he rushed off the plane without even saying goodbye, and the women across the aisle said to me “did you know that guy?”

Three hours in Detroit - we had lunch at the Sky Club and walked the concourses. There we ran into Dave who we used to regularly see at our neighborhood gym (before we built the gym in our house). He and his wife were heading to Scotland and we’re on both the flight from MSN to Detroit and now boarding the flight to Amsterdam.

We left Detroit about 4pm EST, with an estimated 6 hour flight time to Amsterdam. I didn’t see any movies that interested me, so I just read my book until the meal was served (pretty good pasta dish and a glass of red wine). By then the flight tracker said 4 hours to go, so I put in my ear plugs and eyeshade and tried to pretend it was night time. I did sleep, and soon they were waking us up for a quick egg and cheese sandwich before we landed. It was dark when we landed in Amsterdam (and raining), about 5 am local time. We had just over two hours there. The gate area for our Dublin flight wasn’t even open, so we ventured to find the KLM lounge. Even though we’d been there two years ago on our way to Tanzania, it took us awhile to find it. But that was a nice quiet respite. Had some yogurt, cappuccino and a chocolate croissant. Also took advantage of the lounge to brush my teeth and comb my hair. Tried really hard to NOT think that it was 1am at home. Took my morning vitamins and tried to convince my body that it’s Thursday and we had the day ahead of us!

We walked to our gate and saw that it was the type where you board a bus and they drive you out to your plane. It wasn’t just raining - it was pouring! Last a Sunday we went to REI to buy JT a new rain jacket, and I talked him into an Arc’Terex Gortex jacket just like mine - he pulled that out of his pack and gave it its first test (I had mine over a year before I actually wore it in the rain). Full KLM flight to Dublin. We shouldn’t have been hungry, but we gobbled down the egg salad sandwiches on yummy bread that they served us on our 75 minute flight to Dublin.

We arrived in Dublin to thick clouds but not actual rain. We cleared immigration and we’re glad to find our bags on the carrousel (we broke Jeff’s stretch of lost/delayed baggage when traveling through Amsterdam!). We opted for taxi versus bus into town - about 30 minutes. Our taxi driver, Darren, was friendly and pointed out sights and gave us lots of tips about what to do and see - worth the extra expense!

We arrived at our hotel for the next 4 nights - Trinity Townhouse. Not surprising that our room wasn’t ready at 10am (wishful thinking!). We left our bags with them and walked through the Grafton Street shopping area and the grounds of nearby Trinity College. We were dead on our feet, so we staggered back to the hotel and sat/dozed in the lobby and our room was ready by noon. We got settled, napped and read for the afternoon, then showered and were on the street by 5pm. We headed a few blocks to a place our taxi driver had recommended: O’Donoghues Pub - where the Dumbliners were formed. They were serving ham and cheese sandwiches and a vegetable soup tonight perfect light meal to go with our Guinness. I’d heard that Guinness over here was much better than what we drink in the states, but I didn’t taste a difference. Maybe it’s just my unrefined pallet? More research needed!

After dinner, we walked down to the river then along the river towards the Temple Bar area. It was a beautiful night in the 60s and lots of people were out walking and biking. Back in the room by 8pm. Hope to sleep well and wake up refreshed tomorrow!

[tvoya-myagkaya-krov]

6/28/2023 2:53am

Hello, My name is Cosmo. Not really, its just been for awhile now, i gave myself the name after watching kengan ashura, where a character named cosmo imai was portrayed as the youngest fighter in the kengan, and called the young prodigy. the reason i resonate with him so much is that in every fight hes in, hes always been beat to wihtin an inch of life, somehow snactching victory from the maw of defeat. i idolized his tenacity, fortitude and determination, aswell as the way he faced everything with a smile in his heart, so i took his name.

it was only around june of 2022 that Cosmo really became a person. It started with an individual named Ares. they were the first person i met upon getting into harlingen, and mind you 2022 was the very first year i began living, outside of just existing. Cosmo has met so many people, made so many friends, Now, a year later, Ares is gone, for good i assume. I threw away a good job and lifestyle for another 7 hours in her presence, and im not sure if i regret it at all. im doomed to die again, i always pick june it seems, to die. Ive been two months unemployed, was served a move out notice about 48 hours ago, and have only one more day to leave what i called my cave. I have no money, and only one glimmering hope that i might be able to get a job out of state with an ild friend through the funds of my family, but nothing is certain. i am afraid, and have never felt more alone. What i will do, i do not know, but i know that i still find myself thinking of you. wondering why you slept with music every night. was it so that your mind would only track the lyrics till you lulled yourself to sleep, so that you didnt have to retrace your thoughts? or did you just need background noise? i wonder if you meant it when you said you dont miss me. i still hurt over us, but i dont have time to grieve over us. i dont have time to grieve for any of my losses, i dont have time at all.

Cosmo might die this year, and im afraid of who i will be after, for Cosmo has given me the best of times so far,

i wonder who athian really is.

im so tired. i feel like i should be freaking out, considering the situation, but i cant bring myself to care. i shouldnt have let it go on this long, i couldve done something to save myself, but instead i feel things so brutally, it damn well incapacitates me so heavily. as if i wore cinderblocks for gloves and shoes, while being strung up by the spine, attached to a meat hook. Why do i feel things so deeply? Why did i have to feel this so deeply? Why was i the only one who felt anything?

sometimes, i wish i was a bird. their life spans are quite short lived, but they are freer then most, not to mention people look at you in awe, envious of your wings, and your ability to just leave. sometimes, i wish i was a bird.

ive been spending time with my friend and their family. i love them. they are all very unique, and the boys remind me of me so much, just in different stages in life. One is a bit of a fool, but just wants to be liked and have friends. The other is rough around the edges, a bit afraid to be less then useful and more then alone, but thats just something we all will face, and im sure he will do okay. They argue often, but always come to even ground and an understanding, and often have mediators. Its nice, not to be in a home where everything falls on one person. My mother just threw me into the river and said "swim". So i learned to swim, alone, cold and more often then not, so very afraid.

My body is so tired. i dont remember a time in my life, where my back, muscles, bones and sinew ever relaxed the way they did when youd rest your hand on my back. Every day, some muscle group was sore. i am constantly tense, and it hurts so much. hot showers dont soothe, not the way your hands would. instead, the water feels like drops of hot oil on sunburnt skin. cold water causes my muscles to tighten, and cramp, and its not at all much better. its usually only a good 15minutes after i get out the shower that my body tenses itself, and again im wondering how long i can keep it up for.

i miss your hands, i miss feeling so safe. being with you, made me feel like i had a planet to protect, and in turn this planet would give me its love and adoration. It was so good while it lasted.

i hope one day, it doesnt feel like i have to actively keep my head up. that i wake up looking forward to the day, rather then the end of it. i hope i get to paint, and sing again. I hope i get to take your pictures again one day, and tell you i messed up just so i can take more. just not today, maybe not tomorrow either, maybe not ever,

hope is all i have right now. i hope i get so much stronger then this, i need to be. i need to survive this, i need to be different, to make it out. by god i will, or go down fucking swinging a lit torch, setting the world ablaze in my rage. i have to live. you have to.

Signing off, Cosmo. See you, space cowboy.

3:32am

FOR THE FUTURE ME READING BACK

hey. i hope you made it out, i really do. if you did, im so fucking proud of you, and thankful for saving me. i know you havent been the best to me, but its okay, i havent been the best to you. well work on it, okay?

and if you didnt, its okay. well figure it out, we always do, right? dont be afraid. be soft, be strong, and be ready.

no matter what happened, i love you, and thank you for still sticking it out, for better or worse.

please dont die, not yet, okay?

we still have to prove them wrong.

[dragons-and-yellow-roses]

I accidentally came into work early, whoops, not my fault tho because my boss refuses to make my schedule normal. He used to have me work 6am-4pm on Sundays, which is a nightmare but whatever. But I checked my schedule today and realized I was scheduled to come in at 7am. I could've had an extra hour of sleep. I could've. But it means I get to go home an hour earlier than I thought!

But. I haven't done anything today. Not a thing. Sunday is our slowest day, there have been less than ten customers in the two hours I've been here so I've just been on my phone. I did Duolingo for a bit, now I'm on Tumblr. I'm getting paid to learn Spanish and waste my life on social media. This is delightful.

[keefwho]

March 17 - 2023

8:24 AM

I had a dream I got fucked super hard in high school science class. It was by someone I didn’t have a very high opinion of when I went there but I didn’t necessarily dislike him. I remember it felt awesome, I got manhandled GOOD. But after that the dream kinda sucked because I was going around trying to not look like I blew my load all over myself and didn’t have a good change of clothes. I also got locked out of my locker and the front desk lady couldn’t help me because I had an expired ID. At some point after school I went to go buy soda for myself, had some awkward interactions at Walmart, and came out with a 24 pack of diet coke by accident that I couldn’t return. 

I had other dreams before this that I forgot because I got woken up at 6am. This morning I feel kinda tired still and am not looking forward to commissions or my workout but I’ll try to get it all done. Maybe I just need a real sturdy breakfast. 

6:29 PM

I’ve been pretty tired the past few days and I don’t know why. Maybe it is just the slight lack of sleep but I’m not sure. I guess I’ll try extra hard to get better sleep the next few days and see if that helps. I’m not ACTUALLY afraid of this but what if it’s because of an underlying condition? I wouldn’t start to suspect that unless it doesnt get better or got worse. The leading theory is I really need to get my 8 hours and I’ve also been pushing myself pretty hard this week. Even though for 3 days this week I skipped an hour of work. I dunno. 

11:52 PM

I feel kinda sad tonight but I’m gonna try no to judge myself for it. Im just gonna write it out and let it be what it is. I feel kinda lonely, largely due to my parents not being here for the next week. Even though hardly anything is fundamentally different with how I operate, it is unsettling having no one around physically. And I gotta take care of the dogs which is annoying. 

I also have those classic feelings of “I’m not very good” or “Im falling behind” or “People don’t love me as much as I think they do”. Obviously all disputable claims but I am not here to dispute. Sometimes that doesn’t help. The truth is I think it’s okay to be feeling these things, I feel them for a reason. When I find the reasons I can end up changing my behavior around it. Or I can wait until I know I’ll feel better. I am becoming more and more aware of my patterns and it’s hard to keep falling into them when I see them happening. So tonight I’m defusing from those big negative thoughts but allowing myself to be aware of them and still feel bad about them. Im just trying to prevent overthinking or mental reverb so it doesn’t get so out of hand. 

On a brighter note I’ve had 2 successful encounters where I basically brute forced social interaction with a stranger by asking them questions. Like they wouldn’t have much to say and I’d carry the conversation moment by moment until they opened up and started contributing themselves. Its been interesting and I’m starting to hone in on a more clear goal. My objective is to hunt for people I get along with by getting to know strangers. Sounds straightforward and obvious because it is but for awhile now I’ve been in a rut where I was failing to recognize the social potential around me. Everyone felt like an NPC and I didn’t like that. They still do but I’m working on it. But I’m realizing that the only way I can find more compatible people is to actually go around and locate them. Along the way I can learn to socialize better and have meaningful interactions with people I might not ever see again. 

At the end of the day I know I always have my homies which is all that matters to me. I’m trying to expand my social circle for the sake of being healthy. I don’t want to replace anyone and I want to stop feeling guilty like I am. In my perfect world I’d want to stick with the homies I got for the rest of my life and thats it. Of course I’ll still try to make that happen, but I wish I didn’t have to make new friends. I like the ones I have. 

[lettuce-seize-the-day]

yeah idk whats wrong w me lately :/

[hinakazino]

Kitties || Shisui/Itachi/Sasuke x Reader

Summary: You find 3 small wandering kittens. They appear to be clean and unharmed so you take them home. In an AU where no massacre happens, Shisui, Itachi, and Sasuke were sent on a mission. But they came back home and seemingly had turned into kittens on the way. (Reader has taken care of kittens before!)

Warnings: suggestive themes!

(Image source unknown.)

— 6:00 am

You had just woken up and begun your morning routine. Washing your face, brushing your teeth, pouring yourself a nice cup of warm water, and prepared breakfast for yourself. You were just a medical ninja in Konoha, nothing super big. Today was your off day so you normally spent your time enjoying yourself or getting groceries. Today you had planned on heading to the mall.

However, you were stopped in your tracks when you saw three wondering kittens. They were small and absolutely adorable. You didn’t want to leave them there, and it wasn’t safe for them to be wandering the road anyway. So you gathered the three of them to take a look. You noticed they were all clean and unharmed, probably just abandoned, poor babies :< you thought. They were all boys who looked almost identical, except one seemed older than the other. They had black fur and almost matching onyx eyes.

You had heard of black cats being bad luck, but you didn’t believe in that nonsense. Kittens were kittens and cats were cats. So you scooped the little guys up and took them home. Instantly you set them near the warm fire by the chimney in your home. You searched a old closet and found some kitten formula. Previously you had taken care of kittens so this wasn’t anything new. After you fed the kittens and made sure to check how they were.

— 7:30 am

The kittens seemed to have all gotten used to you now. They don’t mind lying in your palm or having you pet them. The youngest seems to have even fallen asleep. You’ve decided you’ll take them all to the vet tomorrow to get check out. For now, you just prepared a soft big pillow and tiny blanket for them. You’ve also moved them into your room so now you can easily get to them. Regardless, it was still morning so you weren’t exactly sure what to do.

The idea of naming them popped into your head. You laughed at yourself when you found yourself talking to the kitties. They were honestly so adorable, you couldn’t help it. You decided to name the oldest “bear”, for its curly fur, fluffiness, and friendliness. Bear was also the biggest and very cuddly. The middle you decided to name “dango”, a sweet dessert name that you had thought of and announced aloud. Seeing the kittens earns perk up you thought he liked it so you named him dango. He was pretty sweet and was soft too. Not as energetic as bear but close. The last one was sleeping peacefully and you weren’t sure what to name it. You ultimately name the youngest kitten “tofu”. For its seemingly small delicate appearance.

— 12:00 pm

All of the kittens are currently asleep, you check on them hourly. You feed them, take care of their needs, and play with them. Otherwise you’re doing housework. Housework mainly being the stuff you have been putting off for awhile. Such as moping down all the wooden floors, dusting the shelves/pictures, and reorganizing your desk. Right now you’re eating the sandwich you just made for yourself.

While munching your mind starts wondering off on who would’ve left the kittens. You knew you wouldn’t be able to find them but the location the kittens were at wasn’t safe at all. They didn’t even leave them in a box! You felt proud of yourself for saving them though. As you finished your lunch you went to wash the dishes. Later heading to check on the kittens again to see them all snuggled up against each other, cute.

— 5:00 pm

You had basically spent your whole day with these three kittens at this point. Your friend had visited an hour ago to talk with you. It was mainly just you two hanging out, when you told her about the kittens she was very excited to see them. You had let her take a look quietly before shutting the door to not disturb the kittens anymore. Your friend left just now and you were left on your own.

You got up from your couch and decided to start dinner. Tomorrow you would get the kittens checked out at the vet before heading to work. You planned on taking them with you but you weren’t sure if pets would be allowed. Honestly, you didn’t want to leave them. This was an issue you typically had when taking care of kittens, you never wanted them to go. But they would have to eventually find better owners.

— The Next Day

Last night was pretty okay. You had to wake up a few times to check on the kittens and see what they were up to but otherwise they slept long. It made sense, since kittens did have to save their energy. Nevertheless you got up early and prepared yourself and the kittens for a trip to the vet. You grabbed a small cardboard box and placed a fluffy blanket in it. Softly, you picked up all three of them and set them in the box covering their bodies with a tiny blanket.

Heading out your home you walked to the vet 3 blocks down. The vet was already open and there wasn’t anyone waiting. You waited a good 5 minutes before you were called into a room. Once explaining the situation and having showed them the kittens. They took a look at the kittens and simply told you they were fine. That all you needed to do was take care of them as you had in the meantime. The vet also told you that in a few months bear would be able to get vaccinated. You nodded and took the kittens back home.

— 8:00 am

It seems liked animals aren’t allowed while on the job because it could be dangerous. You never knew if a patient was allergic or if you’d have fur on you. So despite feeling down you had decided on staying home for the little guys. Besides, you still did get your pay. Your leader was a nice man and understood your explanation. It seemed he was an animal lover himself!

As you lay down on your bed not having any idea what to do with the three kittens crawling over you. You just randomly pick up tofu and look at him. “You really are so cuteeee,” you say smiling and giving him a small kiss to his forehead. You press softly on tofu’s paw and get a small “mew” out of him. You proceed to press a soft kiss to dangos head and give bear chin rubs after. Both of them recuperating with a sweet “meow”.

— 9:00 pm

Today had went similar to yesterday. Except this time you’d actually went out with your kittens. You’d craved some teriyaki chicken and went out to get some. Strapped to your chest was a backpack of sorts holding milk, towels, other things, and of course, your 3 kittens. That was just for dinner, and now you’d already showered. It was time for you to head to bed and after you’d dressed you went to check the kittens again.

They were still awake surprisingly, probably getting used to your schedule already. You could tell these guys were easily adapting, which you couldn’t complain about. Nothing like playing with kittens before sleep. On your bed you would watch them roll around, wander, and snuggled against you. Their small tails were so adorable! You pulled them near your face and gave them all sweet kisses.

They deserved lots of love, any kitten did, but what you were about to find out was these kittens weren’t normal ones. In fact, to begin with, they weren’t kittens at all! You found that out a little too late when three puffs of smoke appeared. Instead of the three small kittens that were just snuggling beside you, 3 men were instead. 3 naked, very handsome, very well built, men.

You remembered clamping your eyes shut, before realizing they were strangers. When your eyes shot open they had all managed to cover themselves mostly with your blanket. You didn’t know what to say, all you knew was that these men looked like your kittens. Black hair, similar eyes, and one seemed older than the other. One you assumed was dango spoke, “we know this is quite a shock- but we’re shinobi who we’re turned into kittens,” he says.

The oldest, probably bear nods in confirmation. The youngest, tofu, just keeps away from your gaze. Your brain finally clicks and you nod quickly getting up to grab them some clothes you have. Your clothes, are unfortunately, to small for them. So you give them your sweatpants who do fit, with the exception of a nice outline. Once you all settle down in your room you ask them to tell you who they are.

You’re even more surprised when you learn they’re Uchiha. You knew of them, almost everyone did. You had also learned that their names were Shisui, Itachi, and Sasuke Uchiha. You felt extremely embarrassed for naming them after food and another animal. Furthermore, you couldn’t stop staring at their chests and down there.

As you all sat in silence Shisui spoke up, “thanks for taking care of us though!” he said with a smile. You smiled too, as a question popped into your head. “It’s no problem, really! But we’re you guys aware while you were kittens?” you asked, simply out of curiosity. Shisui blushed and nodded, he explained that they could all understand each other too.

“Sorry if that makes ya feel weird, the petting felt nice,” he said chuckling. You physically tensed upon hearing his chuckle, his voice was so smooth. A grin couldn’t help appearing on your face, “I don’t mind! You guys were all really cute,” you said, your eyes now landing on Sasuke. He didn’t say anything since he’d turn back to normal, now that you think of it, as a kitten he didn’t do much either. It was mainly you petting/snuggling him anyway to show your affection.

“Hm really~?” Shisui said in a teasing tone. You blushed at his voice, “kittens are cute hmph..” you pouted. Then suddenly, a new thought popped into your head, could they’ve seen you naked? You do vaguely remember coming out of the shower once. This was so embarrassing! Damn brain, can’t even remember correctly. “Ah! Well would you guys like to have dinner?” you asked, after all, they had only been eating cat food.

Wait, cat food. You suddenly felt guilty, cat food wasn’t meant for humans!! What if you’ve been forcing them to eat it? “That’d be great, thank you,” Itachi said smiling. You couldn’t help thinking how beautiful his smile was while nodding your head, “what would guys prefer to eat?” you asked. Itachi simply said that anything would suffice.

You quickly got up to get to work. You decided to prepare some plain white rice and fish with a side dish of vegetables (tomato’s, broccoli, etc). Along with heating up a pot of miso soup you hadn’t been able to finish. Around 15 minutes later you were all sitting at your dining table to eat. In the meantime you took to asking them questions about Shinobi life, and they in turn did the same.

You had explained that you were a medical nin. You worked 5 days and typically had 1-2 days off, sometimes none depending on the situation. You already knew about the Uchihas and had heard of Itachi. He confirmed that Sasuke and Shisui were closely related to him, Sasuke his younger brother and Shisui his older cousin. Itachi finally said that they would have to leave as soon as possible. You internally saddened hearing that.

You wanted to speak to them more, learn more about them, and know them. But you simply nodded your head, “it was nice knowing you guys! even if it was as kittens,” you said laughing. It was the end of dinner with the Uchiha boys. They got up and headed to the door. “Ah, um, see you again! If- If you don’t mind I’d like to be friends with you guys,” you rushed. You felt embarrassed for stuttering a bit but it really did just shoot out of you.

Shisui smiled and waved back to you on the sidewalk, “see you later then!” he said. Itachi did the same and you briefly saw Sasuke give a nod of recognition, which you could swear caused your heart to skip a beat. Had you finally gotten to him? He did seem a bit distance at first. Soon they had all disappeared, it looked like they teleported, but you really knew it was because of their speed.

Heading back into your home you couldn’t help the blooming feeling in your chest. What was wrong with you? You had only met them once and now you had basically fallen for them. Glancing back at the dinner table, you smiled thinking about the next time you’d see them. Despite having to do the dishes before bed.

Yeah I know. I love kittens. 🐈‍⬛

[curlynerd]

Happy Birthday, Cas! Word Count: 3K Rating: T Summary: Appalled that Cas has never had a birthday party before, Jack drags Dean into his schemes to plan a surprise party for him. Dean finally works up the courage to tell Cas how he feels. Notes: love confessions, first kiss, lots of fluff, and lots of Cas' family showing up much they care

Also read on AO3!

"You've never celebrated Cas' birthday?!" Jack exclaimed by way of greeting at -- Dean groaned and rolled over to check the time. -- 6:47 in the morning.

"Jack..." Dean sighed, dragging his hand down his face and sitting up in bed. "We've been over this. You promised not to come barging in here until at least 8:30."

"Huh?" Jack titled his head at Dean before his gaze trailed over to the bedside clock. "Oh. Sorry. I forgot to check the time."

"All those God powers and you can't even conjure up a watch?" Dean grumbled as he threw the sheets off his legs and planted his feet on the floor. "Now what were you saying about Cas?"

"His birthday!" Jack's expression was too damn excitable for this early in the morning. "I was telling him about how we celebrated my birthday after Mrs. Butters left, and I asked him about his birthday, and he said he'd never celebrated one before!"

Dean frowned at Jack. This was what he was woken up for? "Kid, I don't think he has one. The dude's older than calendars."

Jack was undaunted. "Yeah, but he was born, right? Even angels are born."

Okay, it was way too early for existential questions. He needed coffee. Dean grunted his acknowledgment and dragged himself to his feet. "Did Cas say when his birthday was?"

"Well, no." Jack furrowed his brow for just a second before his face lit up in enthusiasm. "Why don't we celebrate today?"

Dean stared at Jack. Jack's eyes were wide and sincere and full of love, just like his dad's. And, apparently, just as effective. "Alright..." Dean said with a defeated sigh. Who was he to deny the kid a chance to make his dad happy? "Whacha wanna do for his birthday?"

Jack beamed. "A surprise party! With cake!"

"Yeah, I figured as much." Dean scrubbed at his hair and wiped the last of the sleep out of his eyes as he shuffled his feet into his slippers. "Coffee first, though. Then the store."

"What kind of cake should we make?" Jack asked an hour later, as he and Dean pondered every box mix the grocery store had to offer.

“Hmm…” Dean eyeballed the box of funfetti mix. Jack would probably like that one best. It had sprinkles baked in. Dean kind of wanted a classic chocolate cake. And Cas, well. He wouldn’t care. He’d probably take two bites at most, just to appease Jack.

“This one.” Dean’s eyes twinkled with mischief as he reached for a box and held it out for Jack.

“Angel food cake?” Jack read.

Dean nodded, his grin widening at his little joke. “Yeah! It’s special. Angels love it, ya know.”

Jack tilted his head at Dean, then the box, before a smile bloomed across his face. “You gave me angel food cake once. I really liked it! Is that why you got it for me?”

Dean thought back to that drive, and his little snack cakes morality test. “Yup. That was definitely why.” He snatched the box from Jack’s hand and tossed it into the cart before he could ask more questions. “Let’s wrap this up before Cas wonders why we’ve been gone so long.”

If Cas was ignorant of Jack’s birthday plans before, he wasn’t for long. Neither Dean nor Jack thought to do much to conceal the contents of their shopping bags when they returned home. Or figure out a way to keep Cas from wandering the bunker. So when he stumbled upon the two of them hauling bags toward the kitchen, both Dean and Jack traded suspicious glances.

“Dean and I will be in the kitchen for awhile,” Jack said seriously, cutting straight to the chase. “Do not come in there though!”

“Oh?” Cas’ gaze flickered down to their bags. A package of birthday hats stuck out of the opening of one. A canister of rainbow sprinkles was nestled at the top of another. His mouth twitched as his eyes softened with warmth. When they met Dean’s eyes, Dean’s stomach did a flip. Cas’ eyes grew even warmer.

‘He loves you,’ Dean’s thoughts helpfully supplied at the worst possible moment, ensuring Dean’s face burned with a fierce blush right as Cas looked his most adoring. Dean hastily averted his gaze.

Cas hadn’t been back from the Empty for long, only a couple of weeks really. But it felt like an eternity.

Because Dean hadn’t told him yet. He hadn’t looked him in the eyes and said ‘I love you too.’ Hadn’t dragged him in by the lapels of his stupid trenchcoat and kissed him senseless. Hadn’t held him close and promised him that he could have Dean, all of him, for as long as he wanted to keep him.

The moment had never been right. There were always people around. Jack. Sam. So many of their friends, eager to see them and celebrate their victory over Chuck and their newfound freedom. Things were only now starting to quiet down, and still Dean hadn’t worked up the courage to tell him.

“It’s for a surprise,” Jack continued, pulling Dean from his thoughts. “Er, not a surprise! We’re not planning any surprises!” Dean barely controlled his eyeroll. The kid really needed to work on his lying. “It’s something you can’t know about until later. So don’t even think about peeking!”

Cas and Dean traded knowing looks. Dean shrugged a little. “I wouldn’t dream of it,” Cas assured Jack.

Jack brightened. “Great! Come on, Dean. Let’s go!” He practically skipped toward the kitchen, radiating enthusiasm with every step. Dean sighed and followed after him, already anticipating the huge mess at the end of all this. At least it was just box mix. That was easy enough to handle.

As it turned out, even box mix wasn’t foolproof.

“Is it supposed to look like that?” Jack asked in concern. He poked at the misshapen mess of their cake.

“Probably not.” Dean shrugged. It was a disaster zone, is what it was. Apparently angel food cake required a special pan. It looked similar enough to a bundt pan, though, so Dean thought it was an okay substitute. Clearly not. Or maybe they overmixed it? Was that why it sunk into this lumpy, craggy mess and then fell apart when they tried to shake it out of the pan?

“But ya know, homemade cake never looks as fancy as the stuff you get at the store, but it tastes just as good.” He slapped Jack on the back. “Put some frosting on this thing, maybe some decorations, and we’re golden.”

And so they set to work. Jack clearly had a vision of what he wanted, pulling supplies from the pantry to add to the disaster cake. He insisted on covering it in a thick layer of chocolate frosting, even though Dean tried to tell him angel food cake didn’t usually need it. It was vital to what he was creating. A full hour passed, and somehow the thing looked even worse than when it first flopped out of the pan.

“Cas is gonna love it,” Dean said anyway, because he knew it was true. Jack beamed with pride.

“At what point am I no longer banned from the kitchen?” Almost as if on cue, Cas’ voice called out from down the hallway. “Am I allowed to walk past it? I’d like to go into the library.”

“You can come in!” Jack yelled back, practically bouncing on the balls of his feet with excitement.

Dean looked around at the decoration-less kitchen, the party hats and the balloons still in their packaging. “Wait, hold on--” he began, but it was too late.

“SURPRISE!” Jack shouted as Cas rounded the corner. “Happy birthday, Cas!”

“A surprise for me?” Cas didn’t even seem to notice that the only things in the kitchen were a weird brown blob of cake and a massive mess. He was smiling from ear to ear at Jack with that special, endeared smile parents reserved just for their children. “But I told you I didn’t have a birthday,” Cas said. Which he and Jack had talked about literally hours ago. Before Jack raced off to talk with Dean and plan an impromptu trip to the store before baking all morning.

Yeah. Cas definitely knew what Jack was planning today.

“Well, Jack decided today was your birthday. So, happy birthday.” Dean shrugged a little in a ‘Kids. What can ya do?’ sort of way.

Cas’ expression softened. “Today is a perfect day for a birthday.”

“We made a cake!” Jack bounded over to Cas and practically dragged him to the kitchen counter. “Do you like it?”

“It is…” Cas frowned and knit his eyebrows together at the monstrosity before him. “An inside-out hedgehog?”

“It’s a Sarlacc Pit!” Jack exclaimed while Dean clutched at the table, doubled-over with laughter. Jack pointed out the pretzel rods jutting out around the misshapen, lumpy hole in the center of the sunken cake. They’d done their best to make the chocolate frosting around it look like smooth sand, but of course it was way too brown. And bits of warm cake kept breaking off while they iced it. “That’s its teeth, and that’s the sand. It’s a Star Wars cake!”

“Oh, of course it is!” Cas said generously. He patted Jack’s shoulder. “It’s wonderful, Jack. And Dean.” He nodded at Dean, who was still trying to catch his breath.

“Yeah we’ve got ourselves the next Cake Boss over here. If the God thing doesn’t work out.” Dean’s voice rippled with laughter. He snatched up the bag of party hats and ripped it open. Cas looked exceedingly tolerant as Dean snapped one on his head with an impish grin. “So birthday boy, whacha wanna do on your special day?”

“Oh I know!” Jack exclaimed. His enthusiasm was infectious. “First we’ve gotta…”

The day wound up being more about Jack than Cas. Or rather, Jack doing all the things he loved to do with Cas. There was a Star Wars movie marathon. There was cake. There were more board games than Dean had played in a lifetime. Dean had a sneaking suspicion Cas let Jack win most of them.

But Cas had smiled almost non-stop the entire day, probably more than Dean had seen the entire thirteen years since he’d met him. And yeah, Dean knew why. What was better to do on his birthday than spend time with his kid?

By the end of the day, even Cas was looking a little tired. Dean was absolutely exhausted. He was half-tempted to drag himself to bed early, but when Jack finally retired to his own room to give Dean and Cas some time together, there wasn’t any hesitation about settling down in his favorite armchair, Cas beside him, with two glasses of Dean’s favorite whiskey to share.

The drink was warming through his limbs, but the light in Cas’ eyes was warmer. He looked content, if not a little overwhelmed by all the love his little family had shown him today. Dean leaned back in his chair and let the peacefulness of the moment wash over him.

“You know, it’s serendipitous Jack chose today for my birthday.” Cas smiled down at his glass.

Dean cracked a sleepy eye open. “Yeah? Why?”

“Well, today is the anniversary of the day I raised you from perdition.”

Dean stared at Cas. Cas eyes twinkled with nostalgia. “Really?” Cas nodded, and Dean laughed. “Well then I suppose it’s really my re-birthday.”

Cas chuckled. “I’ll remind Jack to bake two cakes next year.” They fell into easy silence, nursing their drinks as they reflected on the years.

“It really is a good birth date,” Cas said awhile later. “I may have been alive for eons before then, but the day I met you was when I changed...That was when I really started living.”

Dean’s heart leapt into his throat, Cas’ love confession ringing in his ears. “Didn’t I stab you?” he joked weakly, deflecting the spiraling nerves that bubbled up in his chest.

Cas laughed. “Yes. Yes, you did. I didn’t realize it at the time, but even then you were making me feel. Mostly confusion,” he added with a wry twist of his lips. “I saved you from eternal damnation, and you repaid me by stabbing me in the chest!” Despite his amusement, Cas’ eyes were overflowing with warmth and affection. Dean could almost read the thoughts going on behind them. ‘I fell a little bit in love with you right then.’

“What can I say? I have that effect on people.” ‘Now,’ his thoughts urged. ‘Tell him now!’ “I dunno what I’d have done without you,” Dean mused around a sip of whiskey. A little more liquid courage. A little more and he could do this.

“Another angel would have been sent. You would have been pulled from Hell anyway.”

“Not what I meant, Cas,” Dean said, rolling his eyes. “All of it. All the crap we’ve been through. All the crap Chuck put us through. Put me through.” He watched the way the warm lamplight reflected off his drink. “I...I’m glad I had a best friend through it all. You know?”

“Yes,” Cas said, but there was a twinge of sadness in his voice that made Dean look up. He was smiling softly, but the longing in his eyes was impossible to miss.

Dean sighed. His gut churned with fear and guilt and yearning. He knew Cas loved him. And he knew he loved Cas. Hell, he’d known that for a helluva lot longer than he’d known of Cas’ feelings. He just needed one little push to make him confront those feelings head-on.

“Ya know, I think I have one more present for you.” Dean set his glass down with heavy meaning. He nodded to himself and stood up, his jaw set firm, his eyes determined.

“You do?” Cas started to ask. “What--” And before he could finish his sentence, Dean crawled into the chair with him, his knees straddling Cas’ hips, bracing himself against the backrest with one hand. Cas’ eyes went huge. “Dean?” His voice trembled.

Dean was pretty sure he looked even more nervous, but he’d be damned if he owned up to it. “Hey birthday boy,” he hummed, forcing a flirtatious smile despite the anxiety pounding in his chest. He was going to kiss Cas. God how he wanted to kiss Cas.

But instead of looking delighted Cas looked...hurt. “Dean, you don’t have to do this for me.”

Dean’s heart went cold. “For you? You don’t think I want this?”

“No,” Cas said simply. Honestly. His bright blue eyes were so close now, but the heartache in them was almost painful to look at.

Dean swallowed thickly. “Well then you’re dumber than you look,” he teased, forcing bravado he did not feel. Dean leaned in until his forehead rested against Cas’. He could feel Cas’ warm breath across his lips. “Cas, if I could pick anyone in the whole damn world to be with, it’d be my best friend. You know that, right?” Cas licked his lips. Dean yearned to tilt his head down and catch them with his own. “But I thought you didn’t...Couldn’t...Well, I thought love wasn’t something angels did.”

“But I told you, Dean. When the Empty came, I told you--”

“Yeah I know. But you know how I drag my ass for important stuff.” That finally elicited a tiny puff of laughter from Cas. Dean smiled. “Come on, man. Cut me some slack. Lemme use this as an excuse to nut up and kiss you.”

As it turned out, Dean didn’t need to, because Cas surged up and pressed their lips together.

Dean gasped into the kiss as his hand resettled itself on Cas’ shoulder. Cas’ glass clattered as he hastily set it on the table in order to hold Dean’s waist with both hands. Cas kissed like he was starving for it, voracious and desperate, licking his way into Dean’s mouth without preamble and moaning deeply into the heat he found there.

Dean gave as good as he got, letting over a decade of longing finally escape through the hot, greedy press of their lips together, through the long trailing kisses along Cas’ jaw while Cas dragged his hands down Dean’s back and up underneath his shirt.

“We should...do this in my room…” Dean whispered in Cas’ ear as his teeth nipped at the sensitive area. Cas nodded and, without warning, stood up with Dean still wrapped around him. Dean startled and reflexively jerked his feet down toward the floor, though he realized with delight that Cas could almost certainly carry him the entire way if he wanted. Later. He’d test that out later. For now Dean grabbed Cas by the tie with a lecherous twinkle in his eye and hauled him in the direction of his bedroom. Soon to be their bedroom, if Dean had anything to say about it.

Much, much later, when they were tangled together beneath the sheets with Dean’s head nestled on Cas’ chest, Dean realized that Cas had been wrong. Because his happiest moment wasn’t when the Empty took him away. It wasn’t in just saying how he felt.

Because it was in loving, yes, but it was also in being loved.

Because when Dean peeked up at Cas’ face, he was radiating so much happiness Dean’s heart ached from it. Today was the happiest he’d ever been. And perhaps tomorrow, if Dean had anything to say about it, tomorrow he’d be even happier.

Cas’ eyes were full of love as he carded his fingers through Dean’s hair. “I know I don’t have any others to compare this against, but today was a very good birthday.”

“Good.” Dean pressed a sleepy kiss to Cas’ skin as his eyes drifted closed. “You deserve it.”

[heauxzenji]

queen, how about a kenma nsfw alphabet if you haven’t 👀

Haha- hah- yeah 😌 yeah let’s do that....

NSFW Alphabet: Kozume Kenma

Gn!Reader like always

Nsfw below the cut, you should know this drill by now... 😘

𝕬 - 𝕬𝖋𝖙𝖊𝖗𝖈𝖆𝖗𝖊

He needs it just as much as you do. He has a tendency to drop afterwards, so he finds it comforting to spend time coming down from it all with you. Lots of cuddling and definitely food and knocking out together, both making sure to constantly reassure each other.

𝕭 - 𝕭𝖔𝖉𝖞 𝕻𝖆𝖗𝖙

Does- does hair count as a body part? You know what fuck it its my blog I make the rules. He’s into hair pulling, both doing the pulling and having his pulled. He’ll give it a rough tug when he's behind you, but also expects you to take hold of his hair from time to time as well- with a very tight grip.

𝕮 - 𝕮𝖚𝖒

Facials. That’s really it. It’s facials. He isn’t a fan of super messy, but he always makes an exception when it comes to painting your pretty face. It;s a reminder that you belong to him so intimately in this sense.

𝕯 - 𝕯𝖎𝖗𝖙𝖞 𝕾𝖊𝖈𝖗𝖊𝖙

Kenma doesn’t only spend his money on video games. He actually has spent a significant amount of money on a very lavish collection of lingerie and little costumes for you to wear around the house. He’s always buying new pieces and adding them to your playroom- oh yeah... you have a playroom.

𝕰 - 𝕰𝖝𝖕𝖊𝖗𝖎𝖊𝖓𝖈𝖊

I feel like Kenma’s experience comes solely from porn and stories Kuroo has told him that he never wanted to hear in the first place. But- that is a good enough teacher. He knows enough of what he’s doing to get you there, and prefers the challenge of trying various things on you until he realizes what really works to get you there fastest- like a game.

𝕱 - 𝕱𝖆𝖛𝖔𝖗𝖎𝖙𝖊 𝕻𝖔𝖘𝖎𝖙𝖎𝖔𝖓

8/10 times he’s going to want you on top. It doesn’t matter how. He likes you on top because of the pressure your weight provides. Since he’s so little he likes to feel surrounded.

He also loves to fuck your face. The sight of your face getting lost in his pubes while you gag and get all teary-eyed as you struggle to meet his gaze drives him insane.

𝕲 - 𝕲𝖔𝖔𝖋𝖞

He’s not really the type to make jokes or anything in the moment. He’s focused on making sure you feel good and nothing else.

𝕳 - 𝕳𝖆𝖎𝖗

I’m so sorry- but like…. no lol. It’s almost a jungle. It’s not that he doesn’t care but he can’t be bothered. If you ask him he’ll definitely clean up, but you have to ask him or it’s just gonna stay that way.

𝕴 - 𝕴𝖓𝖙𝖎𝖒𝖆𝖈𝖞

Likes cockwarming for the closeness. You two can be laying in bed or chilling on the couch and he’ll just slip in, rutting into you every once in a while but mostly staying still and enjoying your warmth and tightness. You both enjoy it when you’re to tired to have sex, but still want to feel something

𝕵 - 𝕵𝖆𝖈𝖐 𝕺𝖋𝖋

He doesn’t like to do it himself, but instead opts for you to do so sometimes while he streams. You mostly do so because you want to though, he’s pretty indifferent. It’s just not really his thing. When he feels like he just has to- he’s 100% a pillow humper.

𝕶 - 𝕶𝖎𝖓𝖐

Roleplay: Anything that’s an escape from his normal he enjoys, and that also comes with your sex life too.

Breath Play: Kenma is 300% into breath play, and no I will not explain it he just is and I won’t take criticism. He holds his breath when he feels you start to get close- he doesn’t allow himself to breathe until you cum all over him- he’d rather let his lungs completely burn out before he leaves you unsatisfied. He holds his breath when he cums too, it intensifies his high.

Edging: that being said, you also have to work for it. If he's in a more domming mood, he’ll bring you to the brink and rip it away for hours… sometimes even days. If he’s being really mean, he’ll fuck you until you’re practically sobbing, but he won’t let you cum. He’ll cum and just leave you there, and don’t you dare touch yourself or you’ll just add to your punishment later

Voyeurism: you love letting him listen to/ watch you shower. He thinks you don’t know he’s there, but you can faintly hear the way his breath shudders over the water hitting the tiled walls. You can only imagine what he’s thinking of doing to you, and it turns you both on.

𝕷 - 𝕷𝖔𝖈𝖆𝖙𝖎𝖔𝖓

If you think he’s going to do it anywhere but a space with a bed/something to sleep on after- you’re wrong. Sadly this limits you to the confines of your home or the occasional hotel. The baby just exhausts himself too easily and needs to recharge after you’re done.

𝕸 - 𝕸𝖔𝖙𝖎𝖛𝖆𝖙𝖎𝖔𝖓

He’s encouraged by you begging for him. Every time you moan out his name- every time you plead for him to let you cum- it makes him feel powerful. He’s not just a subby baby! He gets off on the power dynamic between you. He knows how apathetic he comes off at times and he uses that to his advantage- loving nothing more than for you to beg for him to touch you. He likes to ignore you on purpose to build up the tension.

𝕹 - 𝕹𝖔!

Ken loves to watch, but that’s it. That being said, he doesn’t like being watched. So he’s not much of an exhibitionist. You’re the only real exception to the rule.

𝕺 - 𝕺𝖗𝖆𝖑

He never lasts long when you do go down on him, so he prefers to wait it out until he’s close, or he’ll let you suck him off when he really needs to cum. He loves it but he can’t control himself, so he doesn’t ask super often, but he does like an occasional morning surprise bj- it’s made him a morning person

𝕻 - 𝕻𝖆𝖈𝖊

If he’s fucking you- its so slow its painful at first. Since he wants you to beg, he’ll coax it out of you slowly, building you up until you’re a hot mess, but he never goes faster until the last second. If he’s the one getting fucked, he’s all about you being even and setting a good pace for him. He prefers it when you start slow and gradually get faster, slowing down again once he gets close, and milking it out of him.

𝕼 - 𝕼𝖚𝖎𝖈𝖐𝖎𝖊

Absolutely not. He wants to be able to take his time. Like any gamer, he’s not going to be satisfied until he gets a perfect score. So that means he needs time. Its the same thing when you take control. He wants you to take your time exploring him, he wants you to take the time and care to make him fall apart slowly and meticulously. If you’re particularly needy, he’ll give in to hold you over- but expect it to be lazy and sloppy, and a bit unsatisfying. He’s going to leave you wanting more.

𝕽 - 𝕽𝖎𝖘𝖐

Again, not much to see here. He’s not vanilla in the slightest, but he knows what he likes, and he knows what works. Instead of trying a bunch of new things, he prefers to try different combinations of his tried-and-trues, with a sprinkle of something else here or there- that’s how he keeps you on your toes.

𝕾 - 𝕾𝖙𝖆𝖒𝖎𝖓𝖆

Prefers quality over quantity, so most of the time his rounds are one and done. But that one and done can last hours- he has a lot of control over himself and will hold off until he’s sure you’re spent. He’ll give in to a few more rounds of you ask him nicely- he can’t resist when you bat your pretty eyes his way… but he’ll probably get you off with toys or his hands instead.

𝕿 - 𝕿𝖔𝖞

Likes to use toys on you, especially when he’s tired or feeling particularly lazy that day. He likes the fact that you can still get off by his hand without him having to do much. He will use it to his advantage though, which means you need to be prepared to be edged for awhile most days...

𝖀 - 𝖀𝖓𝖋𝖆𝖎𝖗

He’s VERY easy to tease. Gets flustered by the smallest actions, no matter how innocent they are. Can’t really control his boners so you have to be careful with him. He hates being teased but lives to tease you.

𝖁 - 𝖁𝖔𝖑𝖚𝖒𝖊

Very breathy, very shaky. He’s not necessarily super quiet, but there’s a lot of deep breathing and exhaling as opposed to outright moans. When he does actually moan it’s so delicate and pretty. He does talk to you as well, he tells you how pretty you look in your lace, and how much he likes pretty things like you.

𝖂 - 𝖂𝖎𝖑𝖉𝖈𝖆𝖗𝖉

His favorite post fuck meal is mac n cheese. Kuroo fed it to him in celebration when Kenma lost his virginity and he has now been essentially pavloved to associate sex with the Kraft blue box.

𝖃 - 𝖃-𝕽𝖆𝖞

It's not like, pretty- it's cute- Under the mess of hair anyway. Very uwu cute. He’s not a shower but he has maybe 5-6 when he’s ready to go. It's pink all around and chubby. Honestly it looks like those adorable little smiling mushroom plushies- you know the ones.

𝖄 - 𝖄𝖊𝖆𝖗𝖓𝖎𝖓𝖌

His sex drive isn’t low, but instead its moderate. You’re a lot more needy than he is, so you tend to always be the one initiating- but he’ll also never be shy about asking you when he wants you.

𝖅 - 𝖅𝖟𝖟

He’s out before he even hits the pillow most times. He loves to fall asleep in your arms, resting his head on your chest to time his own breaths with your heartbeat. The only drawback of how cute this sight is is that kenma snores like a 70-year old man in dangerous need of a cpap.

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[angstysebfan]

Ok a request? Lemme think! Hmmmm, ok. How about “reader and Seb have been dating for a while but Seb is getting a little distant. Reader overhears a conversation Seb has with Mackie about all these nasty things about her, it breaks reader’s heart and it makes her go home and move back to her old apartment. She confides in her best friend, Tom Hiddleston, and he helps her boost her self esteem and with having fun again, like a good friend. When Seb finds out, he becomes a jelly boi, confronts them when he sees pictures of them together and Hiddleston isn’t having it.” You can do whatever with the ending. I trust you ❤️

 --

Oh boy this one is going to hurt me. Even though a lot of people are mad at Seb and he has been acting like a douche canoe, I still love him...

--

Is It Too Late?

You lie on your bed staring at the ceiling for what feels like hours. A lot of different things going through your mind at once, and all of them about your current relationship. You have been dating Sebastian for about 3 years, and for most of it, it has been absolutely amazing. He has an actor and have to travel the world to film, while you are just your everyday average girl, but you both always made it work. You met him through your best friend, Tom Hiddleston, who is also an actor.

You noticed over the last 5-6 months, Seb has been very distant. You don’t understand what happened, but you are worried that he might be losing interest in you, or cheating. I mean when you compare yourself to the women he had before, and the ones that throw themselves at him, you could understand why you don’t measure up. 

With a sigh, you get up from the bed to go in search of your boyfriend. Maybe he doesn’t realize what he is doing, and with a little heart to heart, things will get better, hopefully. You go to walk into his office when you hear him laugh and speak in hushed tones. You peek in and see that he is on the phone and go to step away when you overhear what he says, “I don’t know Anthony, I’m just over her. She is so needy and whiny. I mean if she was gorgeous I would ignore it, but she isn’t. I just don’t think I can handle this with her anymore, ya know?” he says.

You cover your mouth with your hand, in hopes of covering up the gasp. Tears immediately form in your eyes as you turn and run back into the bedroom. You force yourself to calm down after letting a few tears fall. You quickly grab your suitcase and start clearing your things out of the apartment. Seb continues his conversation, not realizing what is happening. Once you are done collecting everything, you put it all by the door for a quick escape.

You walk into the office, as Seb is still on the phone. You stand in front of him with your arms crossed, looking none too pleased. Seb looks at you with furrowed brows of confusion. “Hey Anthony, let me call you back,” he says before hanging up. “What’s wrong?” he asks innocently. You have to fight the urge to roll your eyes, “I just wanted to say goodbye,” you say.

His eyebrows shoot up in shock, “Goodbye? Goodbye as in you are going out and will be back later, or goodbye as in goodbye?” he asks standing up. You look into his blue eyes and see an expression you haven’t seen in awhile, nervousness. “Goodbye as in... I don’t know. I have to think about things and I think it’s better if I’m away from you,” you say.

You are proud of how strong your sounding, considering you are falling apart inside. Sebastian walks around his desk, “Is everything ok?” he asks softly, reaching out to you. You step away from his hand, which you see shocks him again. “I just think you need more than a needy, whiny ugly girlfriend, so maybe we should just call this what it is. You have been distant for awhile and it’s obvious you fell out of love with me, so I am giving you your out,” you say as tears form.

“I-- No, Y/N, wait please! Let me explain, please!” Seb pleads with you as you back away from him. “I heard you. I don’t need you to make up some stupid ass lie or excuse. I’m leaving,” you say as you turn around. Seb follows you out to his front door, begging you to stop and listen to him. You pick up your stuff and without sparing a glance you walk out of his apartment.

--

It’s been a few days since you went back to your old apartment. Everything that you brought from Sebastian’s continues to sit by your front door where you dropped them. He has called you multiple times, along with millions of texts, all that you have ignored. When your phone rings again, you go to throw it when you see it is not Sebastian who is calling, but Tom. 

“Tom?” you answer through your tears. It takes no time for him to come to your apartment and hold you while you cry. He packed a bag to stay with you for as long as you need him, and while you finally fall asleep, he starts to clean your apartment and order your favorite food. He calls Sebastian to give him a piece of his mind as well. The conversation is short and to the point, and it finally makes Sebastian stop reaching out to you.

Over the next several days, Tom holds you while you sleep, and constantly tells you how amazing, and beautiful you are. You have a hard time believing him, though, but he just keeps reassuring you. It takes awhile, but he finally gets you to smile and laugh again, which feels really good. Over time you both start going out into the world and having fun, whether at bars, clubs, museums, or anywhere else that will put a smile on your face. You are so grateful for your best friend.

--

Seb sighs as he runs his hands through his hair in frustration. it’s been too long since you left, and he hasn’t been able to reach you. He thought giving you some space might calm you down enough so that you can talk. The hurt he saw in your eyes haunts his dreams, more like nightmares. Every night it’s the same thing; you leaving without him explaining that he wasn’t you he was talking about. He knows he became distant, but it wasn’t for what you thought. When Tom called him screaming, he tried to again explain, but Tom wouldn’t hear him out. He has tried to call Tom again, but he won’t answer his calls either.

He looks at the picture on his phone of you and Tom dancing together at the club. You never wanted to go to the club when you were with him, at least he didn’t think you did. He looks at how happy Tom makes you, and he wonders if Tom is keeping you away from him so he can be with you. Does he hold you tightly at night. Does he kiss your soft lips every day? Does he tell you that he loves you more than anything?

Seb reaches into his desk drawer and pulls out the velvet box. The reason he was distant was because he didn’t want to give away the surprise. He wanted to marry you, but now he has no way of telling you. Sebastian sighs and looks at the diamond ring before standing up. “Fuck this, I’m not giving up without a fight!” He says to himself before walking out of his apartment toward yours.

When you opened the door to frantic knocks, your heart and stomach dropped. There is a very disheveled and out of breath Sebastian. “Y/N. I know you think I was talking about you, but I wasn’t. I’m so sorry I was distant from you, but it was because...” Sebastian got down on one knee causing you to gasp, “Y/N L/N I love you more than anything in the whole world. Will you please consider talking to me so I can explain and then hopefully marry me?” he asks as he shows you the big diamond.

At this point Tom walked into the room to see what was happening. “Let him have his say Y/N,” he says when he sees you hesitate. You turn and look at him for a moment before turning back toward Seb and nod. Sebastian released the breath he was holding and stood up, following you into your living room. He nods at Tom, who smirks and leaves you two alone.

“Seb, I know what I heard that day,” you say sadly, looking at your hands. Seb slowly put his hand on top of yours, seeing what your response was. When you didn’t pull back, he sat closer to you and continued to hold your hands, “Y/N, I know with me being distant, it sounded like I was talking about you, but I wasn’t. Anthony and I were talking about one of the crew on our show. She has a huge crush on me and is very needy and whiny around me. She tries to get my attention--” “So if she was gorgeous you would give her a chance?” you said sternly, interrupting him.

“No! That comment was a stupid inside joke that I regret immediately. She likes to tell everyone that she thinks everything is gorgeous, and she is gorgeous, so I said it to make fun of her. I want nothing to do with her. I only want you! I love you, Y/N! You’re it for me, baby! I want nothing more than to marry you and be with you forever,” he says. 

You are crying at this point, not sure who to believe. “Y/N...” you hear Tom say. You turn and look at him, “I spoke with Anthony and he confirmed everything Sebastian said,” he says. Seb looked at Tom with a relieved and appreciative smile. You look at Seb, “Ask me,” you say. Seb’s breath hitches, “Are-are you sure?” he asks. You nod and he laughs, again getting down on one knee.

“Y/N, will you please put us out of the misery I caused and marry me?” he asks. You look at him and a smile slowly makes its way to your lips.

“Yes.”

--

Hope you liked it. I played with different version of the ending or how I wanted Seb to act, and this is how it worked out. lol

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[tatooedlaura-blog]

End of the Road

post-Redux/Redux 2

... their moments ... from now on ... Our Moments: Chapter 1: Five Words (post-Leonard Betts) Chapter 2: Sidebar Nonsense (post-Memento Mori) Chapter 3: Interim (floating somewhere around Unrequited) Chapter 4: Max 2.0 (post-Tempus Fugit/Max) Chapter 5: Shadowed Grey Eyes Chapter 6: The Warmest Thing I Own Chapter 7: Fancy Paper Napkins ​ Chapter 8: End of the Road (post-Redux/Redux 2)

@today-in-fic

&&&&&&&&&&

He put her through hell the next two weeks and finally, seeing her on the other side of the hospital window, he splintered, leaning forward, unable to breath, overwhelming sorrow manifesting in yelled demands of people who couldn’t answer his pleas.

He thought he was quiet at her bedside that night, the world bearing down on both of them, but as he sobbed into her sheets, he felt her hand drift though his hair, nails lightly scratching scalp, “it might be a little tight, but I think we’ll both fit if we try.”

Mess that he was, he stood, dragged his hands over his face to clear away at least some of the nonsense before disappearing to blow his nose on some toilet paper from the bathroom. Coming back in, he shuffled towards her, whispering, “I snuck in. What if I fall asleep and can’t sneak back out?”

“I’m dying, Mulder. I can do what I want and right now, I want you in here with me.”

Deep breath of acceptance at her now-undeniable retort, he did as ordered, wedging himself behind her, back to front, arm hesitant over her belly, full length curl around her. He could feel her ribs against his forearm, her bony hip under his elbow, sharp shoulder blades pressing his chest, “we need to get you a milkshake.”

“If I could keep one down, I’d send you right now but puking up ice cream will just ruin it.”

“I see your point.” Sniffing latent snot back up his nose, he apologized, then, “I didn’t mean to wake you up.”

Soaking up his warmth like a sponge, “I’m not sleeping that well these days anyway, and …” running off into oblivion, she finished the sentence a moment later, “well, I’d rather spend all the time I can with you, even if it’s at whatever the hell time it is and in a hospital bed.”

“A good cuddle does have its merits.”

That got a smile from her, “thank you.”

“For what?”

This time she found the words she couldn’t after he made her dinner, “for doing all those things that a partner would do; that a husband, a best friend, that family would do.”

Well, that made his heart break for the hundredth time that day, and mouth to neck yet again, his words rustled her hair and vibrated her soul, “well, you are my partner and my best friend, which makes us family and I think I fit the category of work husband so I’ve got all the bases covered.”

Reaching for his hand, she pulled it up to her face, kissing his knuckles before tucking it under her cheek, “we need to talk about a few things.”

“No, we really don’t.”

“Yes, we do. Let me take the fall, please? I need to know you’re okay once I’m gone.”

Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!

“We can have that argument tomorrow. Right now, just let me enjoy this, all right?”

She heard his mental screams of ‘Stop It!’ and she did, nodding against his hand, “all right but tomorrow, you’re listening to me.”

Wanting to cocoon her, tuck her inside himself, hide her away so the cancer and the fear and the reality of it all couldn’t find her, he hugged her closer, spooned behind her tight, “maybe.” That’s as good as she would get tonight and accepting it, she did her best to forget everything but the moment. A pleasant ‘hmm’ purred out a minute later and, hearing it as well as feeling it against his chest, “what was that for?”

Not realizing she’d made the sound until it was too late, “living in my moment, Mulder.”

“Our moment.”

For half a second, she wanted to cry, “You’re right. Our moment.”

&&&&&&&&&

He was gone when she woke up, the nurse checking on her telling her quietly, “he snuck out about 20 minutes ago.” Seeing her still sleepy look of disappointment, she smiled, “I’ve seen the way he looks at you; he’ll be back.”

Alone a moment later, she tried to work herself into a rage because he left without saying good-bye and without talking to her like she’d asked but, in the end, it was Mulder and she really should have expected it. Returning to her side, facing the door, she shut her eyes, imagining he was still behind her.

&&&&&&&&&&

He appeared the next day, glass vial offering a last-ditch effort in his fight to save her. He watched her argue with her family, fight her doctors, grasp onto a fading hope without which, she would be forced to make him sit, discuss funeral arrangements, ask him to give up while holding her hand.

&&&&&&&&&&

First Skinner left her room, then her brother, then, finally, Maggie, who gave him a hug and told him, without words but the slightest of head nods, that Scully was inside waiting for him. He gave it another minute, still processing, still gripping the bloody picture, still marveling at the news that was, indeed, real.

Opening her door slowly, the first thing he saw was not a smile but her piercing gaze that ranged in interpretation, over the years, from raging irritation to unbridled happiness. Todays was more of a confused relief bordering on reserved elation, “Mom says you’ve been sitting in the hallway.”

“Your mother deserved the first hug.”

“Are you going to be my third?”

“Patience, woman. I give you a hug now, we’ll both be crying for the next hour.” Shooting her his first mischievous grin in months, “I am breaking all kinds of rules still being here. Three people have asked me to leave already.”

She’d been prepared to talk for a few minutes, then go to sleep but suddenly, that wasn’t cutting it anymore, “You want to go for a drive?”

Finally approaching her, he pressed his thighs against the edge of the bed, leaning just enough forward but keeping his hands in his pockets, schoolboy asking a question of his favorite girl, “your place or mine?”

She hadn’t even thought that far ahead in the discussion but now that it was out there, hanging in the air, she gave him a smile, “your place. We haven’t been there in awhile.”

“Luckily I just changed the sheets a few days ago.”

Holding eye contact, swearing for one second she could actually see into his soul, she found herself moving her legs, bumping into Mulder as she sat upright, slid off the bed, “go find me my clothes.”

They didn’t so much sneak from the hospital as walk out, quietly, Scully’s bag in Mulder’s one hand, Mulder’s other on her back, pressed to muscle and bone, fingers loose-gripping the back of her shirt. No one said a word, elevator their immediate destination, anywhere else in the world their quest. The air was balmy, the breeze light, and Scully stopped the moment the automatic doors shut behind her, inhaling deep.

Mulder, nearly knocking her over, suddenly panicked, “what? What’s wrong?”

Her head spun, giddy and light, “just … overwhelmed for a minute.”

“Do you need to go back inside?”

Shaking her head vehemently, “no … no, I just … your place, please.”

“Food first?”

“No. I … that’s too much right now.” Looking up at her partner, suddenly exhausted, “a bed would be nice and some drugs when we get to your place.”

“Home it is, then.” He valeted the car, tucked her inside, and drove away, aiming towards his apartment. She was dozing by the second turn and fully asleep by the time he pulled up to the curb. Crouching beside her open passenger door, hand on thigh, voice low, he began coaxing her in a soft voice reserved for just such occasions, “hey, Scully? Wake up. We’re here and you’ve gotta stay awake long enough to deal with the front steps and the elevator.”

Blinking her eyes open, they rolled around for a moment before focusing, “okay. Don’t let me fall down.”

“Never.”

He wanted to laugh at her swaying walk, likening it to her drunken trek a year ago at her mother’s surprise birthday party. Not saying that aloud, however, he steered her to his door then inside.

He set her bag down, then took her coat, hanging it before heading toward the kitchen for a glass of water so she could take her meds and lay down. Asking over his shoulder what type of pain killer she wanted, he glanced back when she didn’t answer. Finding her still rooted to her spot beside the hat rack, he stopped, took in the tears already rolling, then held out his hand, waving her towards him, “come here.” She did, shuffling, leaving shoes behind and walking into him, the collision backing him up a few steps. Accepting the momentum, he continued moving, sitting down on the arm of the couch, level with her now, arms tight around her neck, her face hidden in his shirt, “what’s wrong?”

“It can’t be real, Mulder. It can’t. It shouldn’t have worked.”

“But it did. You saw the scans.”

“But what if I go to sleep tonight and wake up tomorrow and it’s back?”

Shifting her away, he settled hands on cheeks, thumbs against eyebrows, painting over them lightly, absently, as he tilted her head to meet her tear-y gaze, “it won’t be but if it is, but it won’t be, we will figure it out … together … all right? We got here once and we can do it again … but we won’t have to, so don’t worry about it.”

Her hands were around his wrists, “I think you just gave me a headache.”

“I’ve been giving you headaches for four years now. What’s new?”

“This.” Leaning in, she kissed him, barely brushing his lips but setting his world on fire in the process, “I’ve got, to sound trite, a new lease on life and I’m not wasting it.” Kissing him again, before swaying dangerously to one side, “but I am going to ask that we sleep through a little bit of it because if I don’t lay down soon, I’m going to end up on your floor.”

He wiped the few remaining tears from her cheeks before he kissed her back, light but claiming, “do you mind some company?”

“I have never minded your company.” Yawning, she turned white, an immediate sweat beading on her upper lip, “but I need to lay down … now.”

Walking her to the bed, he gave her a shirt and some shorts, some drugs and a glass of water, then, “I’ll be back in a minute.”

Returning with a second blanket, he found her curled, body imprint stamped on ‘her’ side of the bed forevermore. His giddiness in the moment nearly made him laugh but containing it, he settled beside her, spare blanket at their feet. His hand went to her forehead, thumb in gentle circles between her eyebrows.

It was gone.

He had her back.

And he wasn’t going to waste a minute of the time they had left.

Which was a lot longer than they’d had mere hours earlier.

He didn’t fall asleep for hours.

Watching her breathe.

&&&&&&&&&&

Neither should have been awake but when Mulder opened his eyes, he found himself staring at an empty pillow and equally empty bed. Squinting towards the dawn-grey living room and the darkened bathroom, he looked over his shoulder, finding his target standing by the open window, leaning on the frame.

Rolling over, he tucked the pillow under his head, yawning, then watching her for a minute before she felt his eyes on her and turned towards him, quiet.

His mind was open and slow, filters off, walls down, and in that very moment, the only thing he had left in the world to say was “I love you.”

Her slow spreading smile lit up the darkening room, thunder rumbling as a storm moved in. It stopped just shy of a full-on grin, then dropped back to slightly upturn lip curl, sigh deep, eyes closing for a moment to collect the proper words from the universe, before sending them drifting across to him slow and steady, “and I … finally have the time … to love you back.”

Mulder’s smile spread at the same speed hers did, pushing into the pillow, squashing face glowing, “is this another one of our moments?”

“They are all our moments from now on, Mulder. All of them.”

[after-avenging-hours]

Heart Skip [16]: Steve x Reader

Series Summary:  A soulmate AU where from the moment you are born, two partners share a heartbeat.  They race in times of joy, slow in times of sadness, and they skip at the same moment.

Word Count: 2236

Warnings: ANGST, couple quarrel, yelling, light swearing, heart ache

Heart Skip / Part 2 / Part 3 / Part 4 / Part 5 / Part 6 / Part 7 / Part 8 /  Part 9 / Part 10 / Part 11 / Part 12 /  Part 13 / Part 14 / Part 15

Steve’s eyes blink open and it takes a second for his vision to clear up. His lips pull into a frown as he tries to figure out where he is, but the movement of his lips makes his face hurt. Just about everything hurts. It doesn’t take long for him to figure out that he’s in the hospital. He looks around, catching sight of Sam sitting next to him.

“On your left,” he speaks, his voice sounding gruff in his ears.

Sam glances up from his book, meeting his gaze and smirks. “Look who’s finally awake.”

Steve makes another sweep of his eyes around the room. “Where’s Y/N?” he asks.

The question sobers Sam a little. “She’s on the first floor. Getting treated for shock.” He sees the concern growing in Steve’s eyes. “Nat’s with her. She’ll be okay, but you nearly dying put some strain on her heart.”

“Shit,” Steve grimaces, hating that once again he’s causing you to have heart problems.

“Let me text Nat to let her know you’re awake. I’m sure they’ll be able to bring Y/N up here.” Sam closes his book and walks around Steve’s bed to grab his phone off the docking station.

A few minutes later, the door swings open and Nat walks in, wheeling you in a hospital wheelchair. Sam shifts his chair back to make room, so Nat can wheel you to the bedside. “Steve…” you breathe his name with relief, seeing that he’s truly awake. Nat locks the wheels of your chair before she and Sam step out to give you both some privacy.

“You okay?” Steve asks in concern, reaching for your hand.

You quickly burst into tears. “I should be asking you that,” you speak through your sobs. “I was so scared you were-” you choke on another sob, unable to continue.

Steve squeezes your hand, feeling a pang in his chest from your pain. “Oh, Y/N… Please don’t cry. I’m okay.” he swipes his thumb over the back of your hand, wishing he had the strength to pull you into his arms.

You sniff your nose and wipe your free hand over your eyes. “I’m crying because you ruined my uniform and now it can’t be returned back to the museum.”

Steve huffs out a short laugh, before groaning in pain. “Sweetheart, please don’t make me laugh,” he winces, holding his other hand against his stomach, where his gunshot wound is just beginning to heal.

You bite your bottom lip and give him an apologetic look. “Sorry.”

He gives you a half-smile of reassurance with the undamaged side of his mouth. “S’okay. I do already feel a lot better having you here with me.” His eyelids begin to grow heavy and his blinks are slower. “I’m still pretty tired though…” he sighs quietly.

You move your second hand to where he holds your first and gently run your fingers up and down his forearm. “You should sleep some more. Your body needs time to heal.” The words have no sooner left your mouth before he’s fallen back asleep.

Sam and Natasha come back in a little later. You thank them both heavily for being there for both you and Steve. After a few hours, Steve wakes back up and feels better enough to insist that you should be discharged and taken somewhere to get some rest for yourself. The apartment complex you both were living in is still considered a crime scene and isn’t safe for you to return to by yourself. Nat was able to sneak into the building to get you a change of clothes and your toiletries, so you could at least change and get some rest at a hotel near the hospital.

You’re sitting at Steve’s bedside the next day when someone new enters the hospital room. The man wears a three-piece suit and a pair of sunglasses, even though he’s indoors. Steve raises a brow, the corner of his mouth lifting as much as the stitches in his cheek will allow. “Tony?”

“Cap,” the man greets with a nod.

“Did you bring me flowers?” Steve asks dubiously, noting the colorful bouquet in the man’s arms.

“These are actually for Miss America,” Tony smiles charmingly, handing the bouquet to you. “We haven’t met yet. Tony Stark.”

You release a small laugh and stand up to take the flowers from him. “Thank you, they’re beautiful.”

Tony gives you a once over as you cradle the flowers to your chest, before sending a smirk to Steve. “She’s entirely too cute for you.”

“Believe me, I know,” Steve agrees, sending you a look that makes your face hot.

Tony moves to stand at the foot of Steve’s bed and looks him over. “Wow, you didn’t even look this bad after New York.”

Steve shoots him a dry look. “Thanks,” he responds flatly, making you giggle. Steve’s eyes move to you and they immediately turn soft.

“I hear the both of you are in the market for some decent housing,” Tony speaks up, gripping the rail at the foot of Steve’s bed. The two of you share a curious look before turning back to Tony. “Avengers Tower is now fully operational. I wanted to extend a formal invitation to you both. There’s plenty of room, you can even have a whole floor to yourselves if you so desire. Banner’s already been staying with us. Thor pops in every once in awhile when he’s not off with his scientist lady. I would have reached out earlier, but you seemed rather content in your little bubble. At least until that bubble popped into an inter-agency conspiracy… Sorry about that, by the way.”

“…Are you asking us to move to New York?” Steve questions.

Tony shrugs casually, trying to downplay it. “I’m just saying, the offer is there.”

You and Steve share another look. Steve looks just about ready to jump out of the hospital bed and start packing now. You’re much more hesitant. It feels like you were just beginning to get used to some semblance of a normal life, but now everything’s been turned upside down. Again. The only thing that seems to be consistent in your life is its inconsistency. Steve’s brows furrow when he reads the hesitation in your eyes. “Can we think about it?” he finally asks Tony.

“Sure thing. No pressure. You know how to find me,” he taps his hands against the bed rail before taking his leave.

“You okay?” Steve asks, the concerned crease appears between his brows.

“Yeah,” you force a smile. “It’s just been a strange couple of days.”

--

With Steve’s accelerated healing, he recovers enough to get released from the hospital a few days later. The chaos around your apartment building has eased up and you’re allowed to stay there once again. Steve’s apartment is still technically considered a crime scene, so he just grabs a few essentials and stays with you. He’s currently making dinner, while you work on a school reading assignment at the table.

“I think we should move to New York,” Steve speaks, breaking the otherwise comfortable silence of the room.

You immediately pause in the middle of the notes you’d been writing. You absorb his words before releasing a long sigh and set your pen down. You’ve been dreading this conversation ever since it was brought up as an option. “You’re really ready to just jump back into it, aren’t you?” your question comes out in a strange mix of disbelief and resignation.

Steve gives you a look of confusion. “What do you mean?”

You pin him with a look that says it should be obvious to him. “You almost died, Steve. Shouldn’t that warrant at least some consideration into your life choices before you jump into the next thing?”

He looks back at you incredulously, like he can’t believe the words coming out of your mouth. “I’m needed as Captain America. That’s not a choice. That’s who I am.”

“No,” you deny fervently. “Captain America is a job. Who you are is Steve Rogers.”

He narrows his eyes into a pointed look. “I can’t stop, not when I know that Hydra is still out there. The world needs Captain America. Now more than ever.”

You huff in frustration. “The world is always going to need Captain America. But I need Steve Rogers.”

“Please don’t make me do this,” he shakes his head slowly, pain filtering into his eyes. “Don’t make me choose between one life and the rest of the world.”

“It’s not just one life, Steve. It’s two! This is your life, too! Our life!” You urge, begging him to see it. “And you’re letting it slip through your fingers,” the pain in your own chest makes your voice waiver.

“Why are you making such a big deal about this? The only decision we’re making is whether or not to move to New York.”

“That’s not true, and you know it.” You give him a blatant stare. “Maria told me what really happened up there.” Steve’s face blanches at your words. “Did you even think about me when you gave her the order to bring down the airship while you were still on it?”

He releases a long sigh, crossing his arms over his chest and dropping his gaze. “Of course, I did. But I didn’t have a choice.”

You scoff dryly, looking off into the distance, unable to stand looking back at him. “There’s always a choice, but I guess it will never be me.”

“Y/N, that’s not fair.”

Irritation creases your brow when you finally turn back to meet his gaze. “Don’t you want a future together? To settle down? To get married. Have children. Don’t you want any of that?”

Steve runs his fingers through his hair and shrugs a shoulder. “I thought I did. But that was before…” His voice trails off.

You look at him incredulously. “Before what?” you question. “Before you woke up in the future?” you guess. But then you come to the realization, “Or before you took the serum and became Captain America?”

He releases a soft sigh. 

“I don’t know.”

Your lungs make every breath feel like the vice around them is growing tighter. “When you stepped into that pod, did you even once consider the things you would be losing?”

“You wouldn’t have been happy,” he tries to give an excuse but you’re not having it.

“No, Steve. You wouldn’t have been happy. You’re always telling me that you think I needed you to be strong, to be a hero… But I didn’t. I never cared about how tall you were, or how much weight you could lift. I would have been happy with you before the serum. Because I love you, Steve Rogers. Not Captain America. You are enough for me. You’re all I want. But I guess I’m not enough for you.”

“Don’t say that. You are enough.”

“Am I? Then why are you so willing to run out that door, every day?”

“Because the world needs me! If I don’t fight for what’s right, then who will?”

Your eyes turn sad as you look back at him. “You’ve spent your whole life fighting; you don’t know how to stop picking them. Do you?”

His jaw clenches and there’s a tick in his cheek, but he doesn’t grace that with a response.

“If Steve Rogers is worthless to Captain America? What does that make me?” You let the question hang in the air for a moment, but the sadness within you only grows as he continues to remain silent. “I guess I’ll only ever be a liability.” You don’t give him much of a chance to respond to that. It’s becoming too much; you have to get out of this room. Pushing your chair back, you stand from your spot at the table and head for the doorway out of the kitchen.

“Y/N,” Steve calls. “We’re not done talking about this. Come back,” he speaks sternly. When you don’t even pause, Steve releases a harsh huff. “Y/N, that’s an order.”

As soon as the words are out in the air, Steve immediately regrets them. Your entire body stiffens, back straightening, shoulders tensing. 

When you slowly turn back around to face him, there’s a fire in your eyes. “Excuse me?” you ask dangerously. Tears of frustration and pain line the rim of your eyes, threatening to spill over. “You do not get to give me orders,” your tone is sharper than a blade. You shake your head at him in disbelief. “You are my soulmate. NOT my captain!”

The look of disgust that crosses your features pierces Steve’s gut. He can’t even find the words to try to stop you when you walk away from him again. There’s a resounding slam of the bedroom door coming from deep within the apartment.

“Damn it,” he huffs, mostly annoyed with himself now. He runs both hands through his hair, gripping tightly at the short strands. There’s a hollow sort of ache deep within his chest that he’s never felt before. It’s horrible.

What happens next is so much worse.

Through the walls of the apartment, Steve’s sensitive hearing picks up on the sound of your utterly broken sobbing. It’s enough to bring him to his knees. His back slides against the kitchen cupboards as he sinks to the floor. If there’s a hell on earth, this is it.