#and just how much of this is the same for nol how much of himself he'll see in her after this and what will it mean for him and how he sees

[trashlie]

Continued dumb things that rattle around in my noggin at like, all times.

This is nothing new, of course; we have talked to DEATH how significant that moment of surprise is in the context of quimchee revealing that Nol likes a nice smile. But the additional context I enjoy is that we know by this stage the friendships Nol meant to be pretend were so real. We already can glean that Nol was very drawn to Shinae in a genuine way - both as a person he wanted to help but also as a friend he earnestly wanted to be friends with.

But, correct me if I'm wrong, this is the first time he sees her smile like that - at a time when she's clearly uncomfortable and miserable on the spot in front of so many people, without her comfort jacket, at an event he knows she's being forced to attend. And it's because of him.

Nol's whole thing is helping people, putting good back into the universe, trying to improve situations for other people. He's surely made Dieter and Soushi smile and laugh.

But here it feels SO loaded and significant. Shinae with her tall, dense walls. Shinae who has been so difficult to reach. Shinae whose friendship he genuinely wants, genuinely enjoys, despite how she tried to stay safe in her shell, in this uncomfortable moment laughing and smiling in such a bright radiant way.

He's a sucker for a good smile.

And he brought her that comfort.

I don't think it's necessarily an attraction thing as much as it's one of those very important bricks laid in their foundation. Nol doesn't in that moment consciously realize he likes Shinae. I think something just strikes him in that moment. That smile, that radiant joy, makes him feel something he can't identify.

THINK ABOUT IT. He's just come back from meeting Alyssa who immediately took off after Meg even though they haven't met in so long. Standing here watching Shinae endure an awkward, uncomfortable dance in front of strangers, everyone recognizes Kousuke - but not Nol. He's a stranger to his family's world, even to his girlfriend. He's just another guy in the crowd.

But there's Shinae, who sees him. The same Shinae who has taken notice of his scuffed knuckles. The same Shinae who, after the dance, immediately goes to him and asks about him.

It's no wonder he says this.

I think seeing Shinae at the formal, clearly against her will, is the moment Nol remembers what happens to people he cares about. He got invested, he sought her friendship, and even though he doesn't know why she's there, he's certain it's her proximity to him. Even before Sangchul, before the pool, Nol remembered the danger.

It's after this he gives Kousuke his word that he'll avoid Shinae, and I think that's why. He already had the intention of distancing himself. It was supposed to be fake and he knew it wasn't and that he doesn't deserve her friendship he put her in danger by showing interest. She had drawn boundaries, she didn't even really want his friendship it'd be fine.

But then he made her laugh. But then she spotted him when no one else did. Then she burst into that bright, radiant laughter because of him and he probably knew: it was too late. He screwed up and yet....

Nothing is okay everything is messed up but he puts on that mask anyway. For friendship. Because he needs to. For her comfort. So he can convince himself he can actually pull away. So he can convince himself it doesn't mean anything else.

So he can convince himself someone cares about him, that maybe something is real even if real means danger.

(But he can't and we know it and we watch it over and over. It's too late and he just can't stay away.)

[your-phantomfield]

RELIUS = CLOVER

i .. ii .. iii circa 2198 for @cutesymortician

I.

A relationship with Relius Clover is anything but stable.  No matter how much you love him, or how much you interest him, he is and always will be thrall to his desires.  He is a hedonist at his core.  Your relationship really isn’t about you at all- it’s about Relius’ interest in you, and his obsession with all that interests him.  The relationship is viciously hot-and-cold.

When it’s hot, it's fire. Relius is absolutely terrible at saying no to himself in any capacity, and you are one of his desires. His most fascinating little pet project at the moment.

He’s spending a shockingly small amount of time in his lab, preferring to be observing you at all hours as a form of ‘field research.’ He can’t stand to have you out of his sight. No other project interests him right now. Any time spent alone just leads his thoughts back to the subject of you.

II.

More well-adjusted people might call this pining, or a crush, or love. Of course, super genius that he is, Relius doesn’t see it as such. Yes, yes, you’re captivating, you are lovely, but his interest is nothing so pedestrian. His draw to you is based in more refined things, he thinks; scientific curiosity and artistic appreciation.

This is no meaningless bid for human connection. His admiration of you is much like his admiration for theater. Refined. An intellectual pursuit.

Which is why he must be able to reach you whenever the fancy strikes him. He can’t have you interrupting his work with all your mystery. He won’t be able to get anything done if he’s stuck pining for wondering about you. Wherever you lived previously, you'll be moved to living in the same Hierarchical City he's been stationed in. Having to make time for an entire airship flight every day is beneath him- it's much more reasonable to have you near enough that he can teleport to your location whenever he likes.

If you have any connection to the NOL, he has enough power to pull the strings necessary to have you formally transferred to his location. Perhaps he could even have you stationed near his office. He could do with a secretary.

III.

If you aren't in the NOL, don't fret- no path you walk will be able to lead you out of his reach. Maybe a family member gets sick, maybe the job offer of your dreams just appears out of the aether... He'll take just about any route to get you to him other than asking directly.

Relius, the gentleman that he is, prefers to be able to offer you the courtesy of allowing you to move closer to him. He'll take care of your room and board as an act of charity. God forbid he have to act like a normal boyfriend and just ask you to move in with him. He'd sooner die... or maybe just kill you and be done with this. No, he'd rather not lose you... perhaps you've been refined enough to service one of his Detonator prototypes... The convenience of being able to call for Ignis whenever he pleases is wonderful, it would certainly be a boon to your relationship-

Hmm.... no. Not... yet. He's not done with this dance of yours.

IV.

Speaking of how this man cannot be normal about anything.  A relationship with Relius doesn’t exactly look like modern dating.  You’re free to consider him your boyfriend, but from Relius’ perspective, he doesn’t really do dating.  He finds it childish, gauche, and an utter waste of time.

Instead, Relius prefers to see himself as courting you. Your relationship may be official, in a way, in that he has decided he wants you and will be furious if you turn to someone else, but he’s not inclined to put any names to it. All the more reason he would rather ‘puppet master’ his way into getting you to move to his area code than ever ask you to move in.

V.

His love of theatrics, his dramatism, and that desire to ‘court you properly’ combine into something like a dream.  He’s old school. Storybook old school.

This is a man who never lets you open a door on your own- he’ll either do it himself, with a bow, or he’ll send someone else to take care of it while his hand stays firmly on your waist.  He treats you like you’re delicate, regardless of whether or not you are.  Your chairs will be pulled out, your drinks will be poured.  When you’re with him, you’ll almost never have to do anything other than sit, look pleasant like the prized piece of artwork he sees you as, and provide some interesting conversation. That should be easy enough, no?

VI.

He makes time for dinner with you multiple times a week, during the periods when you’re his primary interest. He never lets you see the bill. During the conversation, he may share a little about his work, but he’s vague, talking mostly in abstracts. He appreciates any interest you show, absolutely, and would love to give you a demonstration on his research sometime- but that isn’t of any interest right now. At the moment he’d rather be thinking about you, and he’ll keep steering the conversation back to you because of that.

Sometimes he’s uncomfortably quiet, barely nodding along as you’re forced to carry the entire conversation. It’s not that he isn’t paying attention- he’s fixated. He enjoys relaxing to the melody of your voice, watching the ebbs and flows in your soul. On occasion that does mean he’s barely listening to the actual words you’re saying, sure, but he is paying attention to you. How sweet!

Other times dinner with him kind of feels like an interview, the way he keeps pestering you about every little thing he can think of. Your hobbies- how are they coming along? He remembers projects or interests you may have only mentioned in passing, and expects to hear how you’ve made progress on them. He latches on to any kind of self-improvement attempt you’ve been considering and he will scold you if you haven’t been following through. He takes special interests in the arts and in education, fields he believes to improve a person’s mind.

If you aren’t able to present enough ‘progress points’ to satisfy him, he’ll start ‘helpfully’ suggesting some of his own, functionally giving you homework. Practice your penmanship, it’s truly embarrassing for someone of your caliber. Read this philosophy treatise, he’ll have it sent to your home by the morning. Has your dancing improved at all? Come, he’s going to test you.

VII.

Which leads us into the other side of your relationship.  I’ve mentioned that Relius is mercurial, unpredictable and just as liable to ice you out as he is to burn you up.  When he turns cold, it can chill you to the bone.

As intense as his obsessive admiration can get, it is terrifyingly easy to disappoint him.  Failure is never acceptable.  This is a man that, for all your life, if you plan to be with him, you are going to have to constantly impress him.  His favor can only ever be earned temporarily.  He’s constantly reassessing you. You will be allowed to wax and wane, when he’s in a good enough mood to humor you, but you must never become boring, or displeasing, to him.

On a good night, fussing a little can be cute... but you will not argue with him. Don’t take a tone with him. His word, on anything, is final- don’t test that.

You can desire him, you can ask for things... but don’t be too needy. There are more important things than you, and if you cannot wrap your head around that simple fact, then he must have overestimated you, and he will waste no time on an idiot.

VIII.

Even if you do everything right and are perfectly pleasing to him, he still gets cold. It’s something you have to be able to adapt to with him. Relius sets the entire pace of your relationship. If that doesn’t work for you, see above. It will start a fight that you’ll be able to never win.

Unexpectedly and out of nowhere, his interests will shift from you to some other project. His work, his plotting- he’s rarely inclined to explain it to you. One day he’s your perfect prince, spending every night twirling you under the stars… and the next he’s out the door with barely a word. You may be given a goodbye, but even then, when is he coming back? He doesn’t know, or care, and won’t be able to tell you. If you ask too much, you'll irritate him.

And then he's gone. Sometimes only for a few hours, if it was just a little chore at headquarters. Other times it’s weeks. A month. Two. Time passing with absolutely no contact from him.

It’s even worse if he does reach out, honestly. A poem or a gift appearing in your room, proving he’s been here, but couldn’t be bothered to see you or explain anything. You're left with your thoughts and whatever scattered rumors you can pick up.

How can you help but wonder what you did wrong? Where you became so boring that he'd vanish without a trace? Why you mean nothing to him now?

But no, dear, this isn't a punishment for you at all. This is simply the nature of the man you've chosen to love.

[understandablyirrelevant]

A preview of chapter 16 for A Knight and his Squire, EXTEND

AD 2204, 6/14, 6th Hierarchical City of Yabiko – NOL Branch

Carl sighs as he exits Mutsuki’s office, Tsubaki’s comforting words do little to stifle the sting of Jin’s cold dismissal. As he walks back to his rooms, he mulls over their reunion. Whilst Tsubaki’s reaction reaffirms that perhaps he has a chance at redemption, Jin’s serves as a stark reminder that he has much to do if he truly wants to make amends. His mind turns to planning out his next move as he opens his door.

“Carl, do you have a minute?” The voice of Amane Nishiki cuts through his train of thought.

Carl looks at the older man with a guarded gaze. He’d hoped to continue avoiding him. “That depends. Are you here to try and ‘recruit’ me again?”

To Carl’s surprise, Nishiki softly shakes his head with a gentle smile. “Oh, no. I just wanted to ask if you’d be willing to attend tonight’s show. It would mean a lot to me, and Shishigami.”

Carl blinks. “Master Bang? What’s he got to do with this?”

Nishiki smiles beatifically. “Oh! Shishigami is going to be starring opposite moi in tonight’s show. He’d love it if you’d be willing to attend.”

Carl stares at him for a moment. He doesn’t seem to be lying, and the story matches Bang’s sudden absence. He thinks carefully.

“I can’t just leave Master Bang hanging… But can I really trust him? …Guess there’s only one way to find out.”

Carl nods to himself, then to Nishiki. “Alright. Let me check with Ada first. I don’t want to leave her out of a good show.”

Nishiki’s grin brightens, and he clasps his hands together. “Splendid! Oh, thank you, Carl! You two won’t regret a thing, I promise!”

Carl rolls his eye, then turns to Ada, who has been sitting patiently by the door. “What do you say, Sis? Feel like taking in the festivities tonight?”

“…” She tilts her head, amused.

Carl chuckles at her rather crude joke before facing Nishiki once more. “Sis wants to know if you’ve finished your rehearsal yet.”

Amane quirks a brow, smirking. “As it happens, we haven’t. I trust that the lady wants a sneak peak, so to speak?”

“…” She gives a subtle nod of the head.

Carl continues to smile at her rather blunt answer. “Exactly. Allow me to get ready, and we’ll join you in the main hall shortly.”

Amane’s smirk transitions back into an eager smile, his icy eyes sparkling with excitement bouncing on the balls of his feet as he walks away. “Don’t keep me waiting, Carl! I can’t wait to show you what we can do!”

Later…

Carl looks around curiously as the stalls spread around the exterior of the branch, full of merchants and various entertainers.

Nishiki notices his wandering eye with a smile. “We tend to bring out a lot of smaller vendors and such whenever we put on a show. It’s a win-win scenario, really. We pay them for advertising, and they give us a bit of a kip-up in donations. See anything you like?”

Carl hums. “Nothing catches my eye right now. Why, are you planning to treat me to a day out?” He smirks at Nishiki’s rolling eyes.

“No need to be like that, Carl. I just thought I could help you haggle, is all. You haven’t exactly gone unnoticed.” Nishiki nods to a few whispering jugglers.

Carl’s brow rises further. “I’d think they’d be discussing you more than me.”

Nishiki smirks. “Nope. You’re pretty famous in the entertainment world. Son of a famous concertmaster, master puppeteer, you’ve got quite a few fans. It’s how I found out about you.”

Carl hums, frowning. He’d known his mother had done her turn in the theatre, but to think she was famous enough for others to be scouting him years later… His heart pangs with sadness. He shakes his head. “What do you mean that’s how you found out about me?”

Nishiki continues to smirk at him. Carl is once again thankful that they’re now the same height as Nishiki explains. “I heard rumors from some other entertainers that there was an absolutely charming young vigilante running around using puppets to fight. I was curious, and followed the rumors to Ikaruga. Don’t tell me you’ve forgotten already?” Nishiki pouts sadly.

“Be mine.”

Carl shudders as he remembers those words, and the gleam that had been in Nishiki’s eyes when he’d said them four years ago. “I don’t suppose my ‘fans’ will be as… blunt, as you were?”

Nishiki waves a hand with a laugh. “Don’t worry, Carl. I just got excited when I saw how well you lived up to the rumors. Besides, everyone here knows how interested I am in you.”

Carl shoots him a suspicious look. “I’m not joining your troupe. I have no interest in becoming an entertainer.”

Nishiki smirks at him like he’s still a child. “Don’t be so sure, Carl. Once you’ve had a taste of the stage, I promise that nothing will ever compare.”

They arrive at the stage in question. It’s bigger than Carl would have thought. He spies the twins, Haru and Natsu, fussing over a suspiciously familiar man in a yellow kimono. He then turns his eyes to see Koji, the giant of Nishiki’s troupe, twirling a man in a green and gold haori and hakama. His eye widens. “I-Is that…?”

[harlowhockeystick]

can you do 5 from fluff list with nols please? i’ve been in my nolan feels recently 😭❤️

"i just want you, all of the time, every single day"

contains: fluff, soft nolan, gn!reader

his head is heavy on your chest, his hands resting on either side of your body as he finds comfort in this spot. it was easy for you to tell that he hadn't been feeling his best lately. he's missed being on the ice, playing with his team- but he's also missed you. you were gone for a while, being on work trips along the coast, and you went back home for a couple days to meet your newest nephew.

and nolan was fine the whole time, fully able to take care of himself. but he missed you. and he didn't realize how bad he missed you until you were back in his arms. though you loved your job, and all the places it took you, but nothing compared to being in your own home, in your own bed, or even on your own couch. which is where you were at the moment.

every time you moved, nolan moved with you. he made himself comfortable as he laid half his weight on top of you. he carefully listened to your heartbeat, daring to drift off to sleep while you caught up on your tv show. you noticed his sleepy state, how his breathing got heavier and how his limbs became more relaxed. "you okay love?" you asked.

he nodded his head and hummed in response, tightening his arms around your body, further securing you in his grip. he didn't say much as you continued to watch the show, scrolling through your phone during commercial break and putting it back down when the show came back on.

after the episode was over, nolan raised up while you went to get more snacks. as you were fiddling around in the kitchen, losing your focus for a while, you felt his arms come up and wrap around your body. he usually wasn't this touchy. physical touch was not his first love language, so this was definitely peaking your interest. "are you okay? what's up, you're never this touchy." you commented, turning around and looking up at him, tucking some hair behind his ear.

"m' fine, i just really missed you while you were gone." he mumbled, leaning against the kitchen counter and pulling you in for a hug against him. he pressed a kiss to the top of your head, wrapping his arms around your body while you did the same to him.

you stayed there like that until the popcorn finished in the microwave. "cmon, i have two more episodes left." you dragged him back to the couch by hand, the two of you falling in the same position as before. you lying on your back on the sectional, and nolan laying on your chest. but this time he laid his head closer to your shoulder, wanting to be just as close to you as possible.

"i love you," nolan muttered, right before pressing a kiss to your cheek. you smiled, turning your head to return the kiss. "and i really did miss you. it's hard, when i just want you, all of the time, every single day, and you're not here."

his words made you become flustered, your cheeks becoming hot at his words. though he wasn't one to let his feelings become known to you all the time, he sure did have a way with words when he did tell you what he thought. you kissed his lips softly, before pulling back and responding. "now you know how i feel, when you're gone for roadies."

he chuckled, reaching over and stealing popcorn out of the bowl and eating some of it. "i know, it sucks on my end too."

[eskelbigbang]

Eskel Big Bang 2021 Masterpost

Here are all the fics and art made this year for the Eskel Big Bang. Congratulations on the hard work, everyone!

AO3 collection || #ebb works tag || #ebb art tag || #ebb fic tag

Below the cut is a full list of all EBB works:

Uprooted (T, No Pairing, 12k) by @rachofspades, art by @drachedraws

When a nondescript notice begging for a witcher's aid catches Eskel's attention on his way back to Kaer Morhen for the winter, he finds himself drawn in by his own curiosity despite his initial reservations. Once he arrives, it quickly becomes apparent that there's something more sinister going on than typical monster attacks, and he's determined to figure out what it is. Fic || Art (1) (2)

These Clay Hands (T, Eskel/Jaskier, 4.7k) by @aalizazareth, art by @hobbart-art

Eskel is a shy pottery instructor who meets Jaskier during one of his lessons. The two hit it off. Fic || Art

The Empty Safe Job (M, Eskel/Geralt/Jaskier, 18k) by @iboughtaplant, art by @gods-no-longer-tread-here

A team of thieves with complicated pasts take down the rich and powerful to help those that get left out from justice. Their latest job should be simple, but an unexpected adversary has Eskel confronting his past. Sometimes bad guys make the best good guys. Fic || Art

the broken vines are an open door (M, Eskel & Geralt & Yennefer, 5.2k) by @trissmarrygoals, art by @flyingyarn

Traveling through Aedirn with his newly acquired child surprise, Eskel stumbles upon a dead body - and with it, a mystery. Fic || Art

With you I'll never be alone (T, Eskel/Geralt, 5.8k) by @dat-carovieh, art by @mondfuchs

From their first meeting, through their whole long life Geralt and Eskel have always been there to comfort each other when one of them got hurt. --- Or five times Geralt and Eskel comfort each other through some kind of hurt and one time they're just comfortable. Fic || Art

Eskel Has A Good Day (G, Eskel & Wolf Witchers, 9.3k) by @gods-no-longer-tread-here, art by @phoenixandjacob

The Wolves (and bard) of Kaer Morhen go on a vacation to the coast, and have a good day. Fic || Art (1) (2)

Tu Me Manques. (T, Eskel/Jaskier, 8k) by @etcorsolus, art by @cvbeebop

In which, Eskel meets a bard who calms him. Body, mind, and soul. Story title is how the French say 'I miss you.' The more literal translation is 'You are missing from me.' Fic || Art

Little Red (M, Eskel/Lambert, 6.1k) by @miahclone, art by @llwynbleidd

Eskel helps Lambert while he's recovering from a serious injury. To distract him from the pain, Eskel tells stories of past hunts. Fic || Art

Constellations (M, Eskel/Geralt, 7.2k) by @dredshirtroberts, art by @dat-carovieh

Eskel loves Geralt but their soulmarks don't match - he'd know. They're witchers, and scars are their business. As he joins Geralt in retirement, Eskel figures whatever he can get with the other witcher will be enough. He might get a little bit more than he thought he was bargaining for, but Eskel's never passed up a good deal. Fic || Art (1) (2)

Trial By Fire (Eskel and Aza's Wild Ride) (E, Eskel/OFC, 11k) by @janzoo, art by @liaonyxrayne

When Eskel rescues his succubus acquaintance from witch hunters, their reunion becomes something more as they're drawn into the hunters' plot. What can they do against a twisted idealist and the danger he presents to witchers and non-humans? Fic || Art

Pardon Me While I Burst Into Flames (E, Eskel/Jaskier, 29k) by @ghostinthelibrarywrites, art by @wolfgeralt

When Eskel is hired to kill an incubus who ruined a noble wedding, he finds that his target is far from a bloodthirsty beast, a too-pretty court bard. Eskel spares Jaskier and they go their separate ways, with Eskel expecting never to see the incubus again. But Jaskier has other ideas. Fic || Art

I Could Eat the World Raw (E, Eskel/Jaskier, 7k) by @buttercupsanddandelions, art by @gods-no-longer-tread-here

“This is Eskel.” He pushes him slightly forward, “And he just had his conduit moment.” After becoming a mage, Eskel finds that he's been soul-bound to a little lordling. Fic || Art

Something we bury (M, Eskel/Geralt, 10k) by @heartoferebor, art by @craftgamerzz

“Where’s Eskel?” Ciri asks Geralt, frowning a little. “He went out to do more hunting and gather some potion ingredients. Should be back any moment,” Geralt reassures her. “Ah. Good.” She hesitates a little before deciding to forge right ahead with her next question. She’s asked everyone else in the keep, of course she’ll have to ask Geralt, too. “About his scars…” * Ciri wants to know where Eskel's scars came from, so she decides to ask everyone at the keep about them. Except, they all seem to have different stories... Fic || Art

Lord What Fools These Witchers Be (T, Aiden/Eskel, 21k) by @jayofolympus and @frenchkey, art by aviixrc

When Lambert brings Aiden to winter with him in Kaer Morhen, Eskel is catapulted straight into his own personal hell. It would be easier if he didn’t like the Cat. Instead, he finds himself falling head over heels for his brother’s boyfriend and trying to hide it from a pack of nosy Witchers. If only Aiden would stop flirting with him... Fic || Art (1) (2)

A Moment of Comfort (M, Eskel/OC) by @merpancake

An attack at a brothel begins with blood and carnage, but Eskel finds an unexpected peace in the arms of Cenna. As their paths continue to cross, Eskel carries that same peace within him on his journey through monsters and men. Art

Toussaint's Finest (M, Eskel/Geralt, 9.1k) by @kate-river, art by @justhereforeskel

Eskel is still roaming the Continent. But in recent years the Path has become harder and harder. Eskel has made it a habit to come by Corvo Bianco around vintage and this year's events might change a few things in his life forever. Fic || Art

Beneath the Shadow and the Soul (E, Eskel/Geralt/Jaskier, 32k) by @vix-spes, art by @buffskierights

Eskel had the strange feeling that everything was going to change when he passed through Dol Blathanna one year on his way back to Kaer Morhen for winter. He had been passing through a town and, instead of running away from him, someone had exclaimed “You’re a Witcher,” and proceeded to sing at him. He just hadn't realised how much of an impact it would have on him. Fic || Art

Daughter of Fire (T, Eskel/Geralt/Jaskier, 4.9k) by @kittynannygaming, art by @zmezagain

Witchers are sterile, that's a fact. No female human can bear their child. Well, the keyword here is 'human' and a succubus is very not human. And Eskel now has a sweet 7 years old daughter. Fic || Art

Break It Recklessly (E, Eskel/Geralt/Jaskier, 22k) by @anonymousblueberry, art by @nol-nol

From teenage tearaways to successful adults, Geralt and Eskel have always been inseparable. To the extent that when Geralt accepts a wedding invite with Eskel as his plus one, there’s the assumption that they have finally sorted their shit out and got together, forcing them to keep up the facade or cause chaos for the happy couple. What follows is a crash course in emotions, dating, and working out that love can burn long and slow for a very long time. Fic || Art

The Question (M, Eskel/Istredd, 40k) by @eskelchopchop, art by @stars-in-my-damn-eyes

Eskel's in Ohio when Yennefer calls. He’s reluctant to pick up; he’s still not over Geralt, and he's got zero desire to chat with Geralt's new lover. Turns out Yen isn’t his lover anymore, and this isn’t about Geralt. It’s about witcher’s work. Yennefer owns Portal, one of New York City's most popular gay clubs. A Post-Conjunction Entity (PCE) is hunting her clientele, leaving a string of withered corpses in its wake. The police are doing jackshit. Will Eskel come back to a city full of bad memories and take a job off the books to stop it? He'll sure as hell try. Along the way, he’ll cross paths with Istredd, a man with sorcerer’s eyes and a painful past of his own. If Eskel doesn't work fast enough, they both might become the PCE's next victims. Fic || Art

Is It Cold In The Water? (E, Eskel/Jaskier, 12k) by @jennyloggins, art by @jerry-of-rivia

His horse is tied to a branch a few trees out, and that’s where Eskel heads to grab his water skein, taking a deep drink and soothe his dry throat. Patting his horse’s backside affectionately on his way past her, Eskel feigns a stern voice to say, “Zuzanna, keep watch for me.” Her tail twitches as if to swat him away. Fic || Art

Everything I Want (I Can Find in You) by @eyesofshinigami, art by @phoenixandjacob

Eskel didn't think he'd ever see Jaskier again, sure the Cat witcher was only looking for a night of fun. But then he keeps showing up, taking Eskel to bed and leaving him little presents. It takes Eskel a bit, but eventually he realizes that maybe, just maybe, Jaskier means it when he says he wants to keep him. Or Eskel doesn't think he deserves nice things and Jaskier is determined to show him otherwise. Fic || Art

One Stop Shop; Tattoo's Piercings, And Love (M, Eskel/Jaskier/Lambert, 7.4k) by @jesheckah, art by @moondrunkart

When Eskel fumbles an invitation at a party to come into his tattoo shop, Jaskier and he move towards an explosive love. How many tattoo sessions does it take for the heart to know what it wants? Fic || Art

Entanglement (and other words for a mess) (E, Eskel/Geralt/Jaskier, 31k) by @violaceum-vitellina-viridis, art by @merpancake

Eskel has a hundred marks on his body, but a soulmark isn't one of them. Fic || Art

Beneath Each Other's Bones (E, Eskel/Geralt, 7.6k) by @pressedinthepages, art by @drachedraws

Winter at Kaer Morhen can be brutal. But Eskel and Geralt find warmth in each other in an effort to stave off the cold. Fic || Art (1) (2)

#9fe2bf on the Shore (T, Eskel/Jaskier, 4.5k) by @buffskierights, art by @phoenixandjacob

The sea roars with a vengeance, something angering the waves even as the stars shine brightly overhead in the clear night sky. If Eskel were a poet he’d say it almost sounded like a wail of mourning, the way the whitewater crashes upon the night black sand and the gathering foam, the sea frothing furiously. But Eskel’s always hated his poetry lessons so being a poet is firmly off the table. Fic || Art

lion in the wolf's den (T, Coen/Eskel, 5k) by @patchwork-doublet, art by @justhereforeskel

eskel is nervous being around ciri, afraid things will go south like they did last time. Fic || Art

Sugar Baby Blues (E, Eskel/Jaskier, 24k) by adevinecomedy, art by @pastelrune

Jaskier’s mind slipped back to a night several months ago when he was all worked up but had nowhere to go and a mountain of school work to get through. How it was just so much easier to log onto a camming website and watch someone perform seemingly just for him. The gorgeous, confident man on the other side of the screen had been so accommodating, even though Jaskier had been shy and hadn’t typed much into the chat. Modern au where Eskel is a Cam boy and runs into a bit of a financial bind. Enter Jaskier who just might be the answer to all his woes. Fic || Art

Winter Comfort (T, Eskel/Jaskier, 10k) by @myidlehand, art by @liaonyxrayne

Jaskier comes to Kaer Morhen to spend some time with Eskel, after briefly meeting him in the fall. And while both of them seem delighted to see each other again, Eskel starts to shy away from Jaskier's comments and flirting. It doesn't take a genius to see Eskel is having body image issue. Jaskier aims to help him through it. Fic || Art

The Subtle Knife (M, Eskel/Jaskier, 26k) by @major-trouble, art by @cylin-aka-ankamo

There's an assassin haunting the Continent. No one knows their name, everyone - that is, everyone in the know - calls them The Specter. If you want a rival out of the way, a political opponent disposed of, or a strategic target taken out, contacting The Specter gets the job done. For a price, of course. There's an art to subtlety, after all, and it wouldn't do to risk the attention of law enforcement. So there's no obvious cause, no knife to the back, and the deaths aren't usually remarked upon. The Kaer Morhen Agency, however, has noticed. One of their agents has been hired to protect potential victims, people scared that they've been targeted. And they have reason to worry. When Eskel's first assignment winds up dead of no discernible cause, it starts him on a search for the elusive Specter, hoping against hope to track down the assassin before they're hired again. Setting a trap for a ghost is something Witchers are used to. Setting one for a trained killer may prove beyond them. Fic || Art

No Funny Business (M, Eskel/Jaskier, 11k) by goldendaydreams, art by @nanero11

Eskel had long given up on finding his soulmate, his soulmark nothing but scar tissue from a house fire he’d survived as a child. Knowing that most people wait for their perfect someone, their destiny, didn’t stop him from falling in love with Jaskier, the nurse he met after a hunt gone wrong. Fic || Art

Stronger Than My Storm (E, Eskel/Geralt) by @rawrkinjd, art by @nol-nol

Eskel and Geralt were friends from the very beginning. They added the benefits later. It was another way to offer comfort and companionship when the rest of the world closed in around them, and Eskel was content with it for years. Until he wakes up one day and realises it’s become something more. He touches Geralt’s silver hair, wreathed in a halo of yellow sunlight, and allows himself to feel the cracks spreading through his heart. Witchers can’t love each other. It would only lead to suffering. Eskel realises he must weather the storm inside or let Geralt go forever. Fic || Art

Full of Life (T, Eskel/Jaskier, 6.3k) by @sternenstaub28, art by @llwynbleidd

When Eskel gets hired to solve the case of people disappearing in town, she didn’t know she’d find a friend and maybe even something more. or Beauty and strength don't necessarily make your life easier, a companion and love however do. Fic || Art

choices are the hinges of destiny (T, Eskel/Geralt, 7.5k) by @lutes-and-dandelions, art by @cassandrasartworld

After rescuing a fae from the clutches of death, they repay Eskel by helping him make a choice. -oOo- A story about what would have happened if Eskel had claimed his child of surprise. Fic || Art

Eskel Vs The Continent (And His Feelings) (M, No Pairing, 47k) by @chibitabathasloves, art by @zmezagain

Eskel decides he needs to leave Kaer Morhen after the fight with the Hunt. Where will it take him? And will he be able to face his feelings he desperately tries to ignore. Fic || Art

lookin' to the sky to save me (T, Eskel/Geralt, 10k) by @torynickles, art by @trissmarrygoals

Geralt slides his hand from Eskel’s shoulder to his back. And then. Then he keeps moving it, outwards, away from Eskel’s torso, where there should be nothing but air, but— “What the fuck?” he chokes, because he can still feel Geralt’s hand, sensation where there should be none. He shakes his head wildly, twisting his arm to reach for his own back. His fingers connect to something, but—it’s not his body, it can’t be his body, even though he can feel himself touching it. Because he’s made up of skin and flesh, bone and muscle, and this thing has all of those, but— It’s covered in sticky, damp feathers. Fic || Art

A Fine Night at the Faire (M, Eskel/Geralt/Jaskier, 12k) by Elensule, art by @liaonyxrayne

Eskel has been hurt by the world and hides for refuge in his little goat farm. He's found no reason to look for love, or much of anything else. But encouragement from his brother sends him to an unfamiliar locale; the renfaire! Maybe stepping out of his comfort zone was just what he needed. Fic || Art

[troubatrain]

high for this - n. patrick

a/n: self indulgent marijuana fueled nolan smut?? from me?? never!! i started this the last time it snowed but i finally got a chance to actually finish it so i hope  you guys like it! tagging @tkafuckit​ & @hookingminor​ because truly nothing gets done around here without them lbr

warnings: smut, marijuana

This had to be the worst blizzard to have hit Philadelphia in decades. At least that’s what the weatherman said while his toupee was dangerously close to falling off, an internal bet Nolan had with himself about how long it would be until it flew away in the wind and snow that was shutting down the city. Not only was he snowed in, he was snowed in with Joel and his girlfriend April who’d been pretending like Nolan wasn’t on the other side of the couch for the last hour. Nolan huffs, getting up from his spot on the couch in search of you.

Nolan didn’t like to admit it, but he had a soft spot for you he couldn’t quite explain. Maybe it was because you were just as much a weird third wheel to Joel’s relationship as he was. Or it could have been the way he started using hanging out with Joel and April as an excuse to do exactly what he’s doing right now. He walked down the hallway, two doors from the bathroom was your bedroom. He could hear the soft sounds of whatever record you were spinning on the other side, and he took a deep breath before he poked his head and smiled. You were nestled in your bed under a mountain of blankets and a movie on your laptop, “We’re stuck here I think.”

You laugh, an angelic sound bouncing off the walls of your room while Nolan hoped you wouldn’t catch his blush from across the room. You opened your blanket pile, tapping on the other side of your bed for Nolan to come join you. It wasn’t like it was out of the ordinary that Nolan would escape Joel and April to hide out with you, but he was doing it way more often than he used to, “Joel and April are making out aren’t they?”

“April’s five minutes from losing her shirt,” Nolan points his finger up, the sound of April’s giggle from the living room, “I don’t need to see that.”

You’d been in this position plenty of times, Nolan curled up in your bed while Parks and Rec played quietly in the background. Nolan would start off on one side of your bed, and before you knew it you were cuddled into his side while neither of you spoke a word. It was a comfortable silence, never asking for anything more or anything less, “You know, we’re snowed in and there’s nothing else to do…”

“Do you want me to roll a joint?” Nolan chuckles, pushing a piece of his hair from his face.

“You’re just so much better than me at it,” You admit, which wasn’t a total lie. Nolan was the best joint roller you’d ever come across, but Nolan was also the hottest joint roller you knew. It was such a weird thing to be attracted to, the way the paper would roll between his fingers and all you seemed to be able to focus on was how big his hands were, “Please?”

Nolan wasn’t going to say no, mostly because if you were both high he didn’t need an excuse to hold you because you always seemed to snuggle right up to him after. Besides, Nolan definitely wasn’t going to say no when you were pouting with the best puppy dog eyes you could muster up, “You’re lucky you’re cute.”

“You’re lucky I didn’t leave you to watch Joel and April fuck,” You tease, pushing Nolan in the chest lightly. You heard him call you cute, but you couldn’t read into it. Nolan was single and in the time since you’d met it was clear he wasn’t fucking around with anyone else. Joel told you it was because Nolan was a little introverted and if he liked he wasn’t going to announce to the world. You didn’t think much of it until you met Kevin who was over the moon to meet the girl Nolan was always talking about. All of your friends seemed to think whatever you had with Nolan was on the fast track to being together, but Nolan never seemed to mention it to you. You open your end table, leaning across Nolan and grabbing your grinder and some bud, dropping it in his hands.

Nolan gets to work, long slim fingers dropping the weed onto the paper gently while you hopped off the bed and pulled out a record. Nolan looks up at you for a minute, a Temple hoodie hanging off your frame covering the shorts you had underneath it. His eyes wandered down your legs, god he wanted you, but he couldn’t even begin to figure out how to tell you. He should let you know that you were pretty much his dream girl, standing across the room flipping a Hozier album in your hands while you picked what you should listen to. It’s about the vibes Nolan, you remarked that to him the first time you ever smoked together, and now Nolan had a playlist just for songs he knew you loved most.

“You’re indecisive,” Nolan hums, watching you put the same record back on it’s shelf and licking the edge of the paper, “Just pick one, anything you pick will be cooler than I would have chosen anyways.”

You turn around sticking your tongue out at him and grabbing a Mt. Joy vinyl to put on, “Did you get that for me?”

“I got it for me,” You defend, holding in the truth that Nolan’s music taste seemed to be weaving itself with your own, “But I knew you liked them, and you never seem to leave me alone.”

“Don’t think you want me too,” Nolan mumbles, grabbing a lighter from your nightstand, sparking up the end of the joint and handing it over to you.

“Wow I get the first hit, what a gentleman,” You joke, sitting cross legged on your bed and watching the smoke fill your room. Nolan loved watching you smoke, the way it would just fall from lips and your voice would get a little raspier. He loved the way your eyes seemed to get hazier and your smile just a bit wider than it usually was, “Excellent work Patty.”

“Glad I could be of service,” Nolan chuckles, your head falling into his lap without a second thought. You both laid like that the entire time you were smoking, sharing the joint while Nolan’s fingers weaving through your hair absentmindedly, “I saw it by the way.”

“Saw what?” You ask, furrowing your eyebrows in confusion at whatever he was on about.

“Your little helper,” Nolan muses, a tight lipped smile on his face because he could literally see your hazy mind trying to figure out what he was talking about. Nolan didn’t know why he needed to say anything about the very teeny vibrator in your bedside table next to your grinder, “Use it often?”

“Wouldn’t you like to know?” You brush him off, it was Nolan and Nolan teased you all the time.

“You know I do,” Nolan hums, his gaze on you while you were practically squirming in his lap, “The same way that you know I like you but you never do anything about it.”

“Shouldn’t you be making the first move?” You poke open one eye to look up at Nolan. His hands moved quickly, grabbing your thighs and pulling you up to straddle his waist.

“Thought we were more progressive than that babe,” Nolan huffs, his voice deeper than it usually was. His hands were running up your legs, rough calloused fingers against your skin.

“I want to hear you say it,” You challenge, boldly running a hand through Nolan’s hair. Nolan’s heart was stammering in his chest, but when a silly smile danced across your lips he couldn’t help but laugh, “Let’s hear it Patty.”

“I want you, here, now, and every time after this,” Nolan says, his voice sure, steady and clear. His lips ghosed over yours for a moment, “C’mere.”

Nolan wasn’t a man of many words, but he was going to show just how he felt. His hands cascaded down your body, stopping on your ass and giving it a tap while his lips pressed against yours. It was electric, and you wondered why you bothered to kiss anyone besides Nolan, “Nols-”

“Yeah?” Nolan pulls away, cheeks rosy and his breath ripped out his body from just one kiss. You bit your lip, looking at him in the eyes before you spoke again.

“Fuck me,” You whimper, grinding your hips against Nolan’s, pulling a groan from his lips. Nolan’s hand gripped your chin, crashing his lips against yours. His other hand snuck under your shirt, the rough calloused fingers that only lived in your fantasies rubbing against your soft skin. He flipped you over, holding himself up by his elbows while he pressed kisses down your neck.

“I’ve thought about this so many fucking times,” Nolan mumbles, his lips pressed against your skin. You could feel his teeth graze behind your ear, pulling a moan out of you.

“Maybe you should’ve done something about it sooner,” You smirk, grabbing his cheeks and pulling him back in for a kiss, “Could’ve saved me a few lonely nights.”

“Consider those over,” Nolan promises, giving you a sweet kiss before his hands grabbed the bottom of your hoodie to pull it off. Nolan’s lips move down your body, love bites and kisses pressed against your skin while he makes his way down to where you need him most. His fingers slipped under your sweats, looking up at you for the go ahead he needed, you nod eating up the feeling of Nolan’s hands on your bare skin, “So pretty baby.”

Nolan’s finger traced lightly over your thighs, his breath hot against your pussy while you ached for more, “Don’t tease me or I’ll get my little friend out to do the job for me.”

Nolan chuckles at your whine, a finger sliding up your folds, “That’s for another time babe.”

Nolan’s words had your eyes rolling to the back of your head, oh it’s definitely big. His tongue swirled your clit gently, trying to figure out exactly what was going to get you off. You let out a moan, one that definitely carried through the hallway loud enough for Joel and April to hear from the living room. Nolan smirks to himself, wrapping his lips around your clit and sliding one of his ridiculously long fingers inside you. Your hand gripped his hair, tugging on it gently while you bit your lip to stop yourself from being too loud, “Fuck Nolan, faster.”

Nolan nods, a second finger sliding inside of you and curling against your g spot. You grinded down on Nolan’s face, his free hand gripping your thigh to keep you in place. You were a moaning mess above him, not caring one bit about anyone hearing you because Nolan’s mouth was magic. It really is always the quiet ones. You were close, Nolan’s fingers sliding out of just when he started to feel your pussy clench around him. You whine, grabbing the back of Nolan’s head to keep his mouth against your pussy but it was no use when Nolan was that big, “Sorry did you want to cum?”

Nolan’s finger was teasing your entrance, watching the way your pussy was clenching in anticipation, you let out a breathy laugh, “Please make cum Nols, I need it.”

All it took after that was Nolan’s tongue around your clit and his fingers curled back inside you for you to cum. Nolan’s name fell from your lips, a sound that Nolan had dreamed of but never thought he’d actually get to hear. Nolan’s eyes looked over at your night stand, grabbing the extra joint he rolled and placing it between his lips. He tossed off his shirt, grabbing a lighter and sparking the end before he blew smoke in your mouth and pressed his lips against yours. You moan at sensation, gripping Nolan’s shoulder to pull him closer. You had him now, and you’d be damned if you were going to let him go. 

Nolan kicks off his sweats, taking a few puffs from the joint and groaning when you palmed him through his boxers. He grabs your hand, dropping the joint into yours and pulling off his boxers to let his cock spring free. Your suspicions were correct- it was big, you let out a giggle, Nolan’s eyebrows furrowing at you, “What?”

“I had this bet with myself about how big your dick was,” You admit, taking your own pull from the joint and watching the smoke fill the room, “Not disappointed.”

Nolan laughs, pressing a kiss to your lips and lining his cock up to you. He looks at you, “You’re my fucking dream girl.”

Nolan didn’t spare you a second to react to his words before he slid inside you. He groaned at the feeling, his head pressed against your neck. Nolan’s hips snapped against you, your nails scratching down his back while he railed you into oblivion. You were seeing stars, moans and whimpers falling from your lips and not a single thought in your mind except the fact that Nolan was making you feel so damn good, “Cum for me again, c’mon.”

Nolan’s deep voice was rumbling against your neck, his dick twitched inside of you in need of a release. You clenched around him, your legs shaking from pleasure. Nolan pulled out of you, spilling onto your stomach with a loud fuck. Nolan collapsed on top of you, the both of you trying to catch your breath. He rolls over, pulling you close his chest, “I meant what I said, I wasn’t just trying to get laid.”

“I know,” You hum, snuggling closer to his chest, “Think April and Joel heard us?”

The last thing you heard before you finally let the exhaustion take over your body was a we did in unison from April and Joel down the hall. 

[twinklelilstarkey]

hiii can you do angst 3 with nolan please 🥰

"You shouldn't be here." - Nolan Patrick

It has been a rough week. You feel like all your movements consist of you crawling in and out of your bed. Your pillow is constantly wet with your tears and your chest is permanently tightening in the void of nothing but heartbreak.

You don’t exactly need to leave your apartment since all of your classes are still online, and your cabinets are still full enough for you to survive for a little bit longer. So, honestly, if you were to leave, it would be out of a spontaneous decision, something you’re sure won’t happen any soon.

The only bit of fresh air you’ve caught in the last few days was when you opened your bathroom window to get your shower’s steam out of the small room, yet other than that... just nothing.

Today marks 7 days since you have broken up with your boyfriend of a year and a half, Nolan.

The reason behind your break up is a complete result of the snowball effect. It all started with small fights which always ended with you apologizing and him sort of forgiving you, and with small fight after small fight, a whole shouting argument was bad enough to mark the end of your relationship.

Nolan said so much, that he now admits that not even 1% of it is true, but it was enough to break your heart and force you to walk away.

It was definitely a break up. It was no Hollywood movie argument with an open ending in which the main characters never actually say the words. You two said it, and you two agreed on ending everything and cutting all tights right there. Right in the middle of his apartment.

You feel miserable and you’ve caught yourself trying to call him at crazy hours of the night a few times already. You never ended up actually doing it, but there was a time that it was close enough for it to ring one time - not even enough for it to even reach his phone.

Your week consists in at least 3 full days of classes, which does sound awful, but you feel like everything just gets worse when you’re left to stay by yourself and with your reality. All because even though you’re not listening to what your teachers are saying, you’ve got at least some sort of noise to occupy your mind.

But, god, nights are the worst. Looking out of your window to stare at the city view is not the same anymore, having sweet or salty sneaky snacks is not the same anymore, watching your favorite show under all your blankets is not the same anymore. You’re suffering so much that you can’t find anything even slightly enjoyable.

Now, Nolan, on the other hand, has to leave his apartment. He has to work, go to the ice rink, and practice every morning. And, in reality, no matter how much his coaches are screaming in his face, he just can’t find a way to fix whatever he’s doing wrong.

For the first days, no friend of his knew about the breakup, so, they just thought he was just going a little crazy over a bad hangover or whatever. But that didn’t last long. It only took TK to ask him if the offer for the double date still stood for everyone to notice.

His silence and serious expression made his best friend frown and even stop what he was doing. He couldn’t believe he was seeing.

Travis honestly thought that Nolan hadn’t heard him for a good few seconds, but as soon as he went to make sure, Nolan just stood up and left.

He wasn’t reacting like you were. He wasn’t crying every time his brain brought him back to you, he was just staring into nothing and letting his mind work free through it. Battling his feelings away.

You still watched the Flyers’ games, even though he wasn’t spending much time on the ice, and you still wore his jersey like any other night.

Sleeping after those nights were even harder. Today is one of them.

You turn on your bed, eyeing the large window beside your bed and all the lights of the city you’re blessed to see from high above, and your mind soon travels to all the memories you own and protect.

All the times you cuddled with a sleeping or just sleepy Nolan after good or rough games while staring at the calming night. All the times you enjoyed late mornings in bed, talking about life and laughing at absolutely everything.

A soft grin plays over your lips at the light-hearted memories but at the same time, it breaks at the realization it is not your truth anymore.

You sniffle softly and blink your tears away, bringing your hands to your warm cheeks to wipe down the wetness you’ve grown so familiar to.

A soft knock on your front door fills your apartment and you quickly sit up in surprise. It’s 3 am.

It’s way too late for your landlord to come over now, right? Sinks don’t usually get fixed at this time of night... Right?

The knock repeats itself and you sigh. It won’t hurt to check.

You stand up from your bed, ignoring the mess you’re leaving behind, and you bring your hood over your head. On your way down the hallway, you wipe your face one more time to make sure that no tears are to be shown to anyone, and as soon as you’re done, you’re standing by the door.

You unlock it slowly and Nolan feels a sudden wave of cold hit the walls of his stomach as anxiety becomes evident to him, again.

The door opens slowly, creaking slightly in the silence of the night, and your eyes meet up at the same time.

You feel frozen in place while Nolan is just lost for words. He hasn’t seen you for more than he has ever before and that made his body almost go into shock.

“Wha-” You try to ask but your voice cracks a bit, “What are you doing here?”

He stands silent for a few seconds and he continuous to stare you down, analyzing your face. Eyes slightly swollen, as well as your lips, your soft sniffling. You’ve been crying.

“I wanted to talk.” He finally speaks, his deep voice breaking through the hallway harshly.

“You shouldn’t be here.” You tell him.

“I know.” He agrees, “But... Can I please come in?”

You bite the inside of your lip in thought and your hand slides over the side of the door, grabbing both of your attentions.

Hesitatingly, you take a step back and swing your door open further, giving Nolan enough space to walk in comfortingly.

He’s careful with his steps, and soon the door closes behind him again. Your apartment is still extremely comforting and warm to him. And for a second, it almost made him forget what he was doing there in the first place.

“Want to go sit?” You whisper.

He looks over his shoulder to look at you and gives you a small nod. You break your glance and decide to be the first one to walk towards the couch.

Nolan follows you and soon the two of you are seated beside one another.

Even though with straight serious looks on your faces, you two have racing hearts and sweaty hands. Everything that could make their bodies react to the situation in the middle of all this silence.

“Did I wake you up?” He firstly asks and you just shake your head.

You look down at your hands over your lap and unconsciously, you pull your sleeves over your hands, hiding them from your own eyes.

Nolan decides to start.

“I shouldn’t have said all those things.” Nolan says as he also looks down at your, now covered, hands. “I was mad and I made all of... that, up.”

The words slowly register in your mind and you force yourself to look at him in the face.

“I know it’s stupid.” He says before you can even try to talk, “I know I shouldn’t have even fought back. You were right and I was just being an idiot.”

He shakes his head, staring back into your confused eyes.

“Nol-”

“I don’t know why I even did it. It was like I didn’t want to be in the wrong when I was. It was so childish of me...” He continues, “And all the things that I called you were ju-just awful. And I want you to know what I didn’t mean any of it and that not even one of them is tru-”

He sighs in desperation, finding it ridiculous how he found himself lost in his own thoughts and just rambled all his worries in one breath. Your hands finally stop playing on your lap.

“I wish I could take everything back.” He says more slowly and calmly, “And just act like none of it happened.”

“Me too.” You agree.

He stays silent and his chest tightens at the idea of this not going as he wants to.

“I just... I’m sorry.” He whispers the last part. “You don’t have to forgive me...” He pauses, “Now or-or even ever, but I just want you to know that I am so, so, so sorry.”

You stare back at him as his words fill your ears and his soft expression of pure hurt is all that emphasizes your overthinking.

“And...” He starts again, almost as if saying sorry for talking with his eyes, “I’m also sorry for only talking to you a week later. It-it’s stupid of me. Again.”

The corners of your lips lift slightly at his last words and you swallow harshly, preparing yourself to talk. Yet you stop yourself as you don’t exactly know what to say.

You look down, biting your lip in thought, and quickly, your hands lays over Nolan’s. And even over your hoodie’s thick material, you can feel how cold they are from standing outside at the crack of dawn.

“I’m sorry too.” You whisper to him.

“You don’t need to-”

“I do.” You look back up, “I walked away during a fight and in some way, I feel like it was my fault that you exploded the way you did.”

Nolan shakes his head and you peek your fingers from your sleeves, interlacing them with Nolan’s cold ones. You bring your hand up around your conjoined hands and trace slightly over his fingers to warm them.

“Well, then I forgive you.” Nolan says to you, following your gaze down to your hands. “I really do, even if I think you didn’t do anything wrong.”

A soft grin grows over your lips and you look up at him.

“Than I forgive you too.” You say, “Just- Please, promise me that we’ll never go for that long without talking or trying to sort things out again.” You cringe slightly at your request as if there’s a possibility that he will reject.

“I promise.” He says right away.

“And that we’ll never walk away like that or break up like that.”

“That too. I promise.”

A smile finally breaks through your features and soon also did Nolan’s. You bring your hand up to his face and with a quick movement, you cup his cheek and lay your lips over his.

The kiss is simple, more of a peck if anything, but it’s longer than a normal peck.

You two pull away and Nolan is quick to kiss your cheek a couple of times before actually leaning back and look at you.

“I think we should go to bed.” You tell him with a soft smile, “It’s almost 4.”

“Yeah, let’s go.”

[islesnucks]

LAST NIGHT I TOLD YOU I LOVED YOU - NOLAN PATRICK X READER

this started as a tyler seguin fic, was almost a brock boeser one for a second and turned out to be about Nolan lol

this was not proofread so yeah keep that in mind as you read it 

Word Count: 2k

Warning: mention of alcohol (?)

Smmary: the morning after you drunkenly confessed your feelings to Nolan - slightly inspired by the song Last Night by Lucy Spraggan

Masterlist

Add yourself to the taglist!

-

Last night I told you I loved you

Woke up blamed it on the Vodka

I genuinely thought I was dyin'

And I could see that smile you were hiding

-

You woke up and the first thing you felt was pain. There was a banging in your head and your stomach felt sick. Memories from last night were blurry, there surely was alcohol involved. The last thing you remembered was walking into the bar with Nolan and TK by your side, then there was vodka involved. Or was it tequila? Maybe even both?

Feeling like the slightest move would make you throw up, you decided to snuggle further into the sheets trying to go back to sleep, hoping a couple more hours of sleep would make you feel better. That’s when you heard barks coming from outside the room, making your head pound. Then your eyes went wide when it hit you: you don’t own any dogs.

Looking around you confirmed this indeed wasn’t your bedroom, it was Nolan’s. The curtains were shut so the room was dark and you couldn’t see much, but you were able to make out your dress from last night folded on top of the armchair beside the bed.

You looked down and realized you indeed weren’t using your clothes, instead you had one of his old shirts on. Then you noticed your underwear was still on, a good sign you thought. But still you couldn’t remember anything from last night and that terrified you.

You weren't scared of what you could have done, you knew having the boys by your side ensure you nothing bad would happen. So you weren't scared that you had somehow ended up drunkenly dancing on top of  a table or making out with a complete stranger. No, the problem was that alcohol always loosened your tongue. What you were scared of was having confessed something you had worked so hard on holding in.

Gathering a little courage and still feeling like you may throw up any second, you got out of bed and made your way out of the room. The clacking of a pan and smell coming from the kitchen let you know Nolan was probably there cooking some breakfast or maybe lunch, you didn’t know what time it was. Taking one last deep breath, trying to calm your nerves, you made your way down the hall to the kitchen.

He was with his back to you, too busy stirring something on a pan to realize you had entered the room. That’s when his dogs approached you excited to see you, making him turn around to find you still half asleep, hair in a messy bun, some rests of makeup from last night on your face, dressed in his shirt that were long enough to cover everything. You were sure you looked horrible but he found it cute, the smile that formed on his face showed it.

“Hey, you’re alive.” He turned off the stove and proceeded to place what turned out to be scrambled eggs on two plates.

“I feel like shit.” You took a seat on one of the barstools by the kitchen island.

“Sorry, did the bark wake you? I was keeping them in the living room so they wouldn’t bother you but Charlie sneaked out.” he said, giving the dog a stern look, but Charlie was too distracted enjoying as you petted him to notice.

“No don’t worry I was already awake, agonizing in bed, but awake.”

He placed the plate with everything he had cooked and a cup of coffee in front of you and you thanked him as he took a seat next to you. He was quiet per usual, but the Nolan you knew would have thrown some snarky remark about how much of a lightweight you are and he’s never going out with you again. That concerned you a bit. However he seemed normal, no awkward looks or anything that made you think you had messed up in any way last night.

“Do you remember anything from last night?” he suddenly said bringing you back to reality. There it was, something did happen. You could feel your heart in your throat, but you tried to play it cool.

“No… Wait we didn’t-”

“No!” he was quick to cut you off, slightly offended that you thought that could’ve happened. “You were wasted Y/N, I’d never take advantage like that.” He then realized he admitted nothing happened because you were drunk, not because he didn’t want it to happen; but you were too busy panicking to realize.

“I know, I know. It’s just that I woke up in your bed, with your clothes on.” you tried to explain.

“We ubered back here, you were asleep the whole ride, I helped you change your clothes and gave you my bed. I slept on the couch.” Relief washed over your body, deep down you knew nothing like that could have happened, but hearing it made you feel better, like a huge weight was being taken off your shoulders.

“Thank you Nols, you didn’t have to.”

“Leaving you alone in your apartment in the state you were in felt wrong.”

“Thanks.”

“I’m glad to know I didn’t do anything too stupid at the club.” you said, letting out a deep breath you didn’t even notice you had been holding on to.

“Well you didn’t do anything stupid at the club...” He didn't finish but that was enough to make you choke on the coffee you had been drinking.

“Shit what did I do?”

“Nothing, nothing. Don’t worry.” He brushed it off as he stood with his empty plate in hand and walked over to the sink.

“Nolan …” you questioned him, but he still wouldn’t look at you. Yet you could see the smile he was trying to hide and that was all the confirmation you needed. Something definitely happened. You got off your seat and made your way around the kitchen island.

“Nolan James Patrick. What did I do?” Your stern tone made him finally turn around with a look on his face you couldn’t quite explain, which only made your nerves grow.

“You said something.” 

“Shit.”

“You really don't remember?” He walked till he was standing next to you. “We were here, I had already helped you change, you were in bed ...” he started to explain, hoping it would refresh your memories because he didn’t have it in him to actually tell you what you had said.

And just like that the memory from last night hit you.

~

“This sucks.” you said letting yourself fall on the bed, not even trying to position yourself correctly.

“Well you should’ve stopped after the third shot like I told you.” Nolan was too busy folding your clothes to see the way you rolled your eyes.

“Not that. This. You are being so nice with me and it sucks.”

“You lost me there princess.” he said confused, brows narrowing but with a playful smile still on his face, the way you rambled incongruently was too cute for him not to.

“Because I’m just going to fall harder for you and I shouldn’t because we’re friends Patty. I can’t be in love with my friend.” you let out matter-of-factly, clearly all products of the alcohol that was still running through your veins.

He could not believe what he was hearing. His heart stopped at your words, but he tried to convince himself he had heard it wrong, God knows the many times he dreamed of you saying those words.

“It sucks that I’m in love with you.” you added and there was no denying it, he heard it clear this time.

“Y/N …” he started to say as he turned around but words died in his mouth when he realized you were already asleep.

~

“Shit!” you let out and your hands instantly went to cover your face. You had screwed it big time. Sure you could blame it on the alcohol but Nolan knew you, he knew you wouldn’t just invent something like that. And even if it worked, your friendship would never be like it was before.

“Just forget I ever said that, okay? I was drunk and I didnt know what I was saying. Fuck. I'm the worst'' you started to ramble as you walked around the kitchen, unable to keep still because of the anxious feeling deep in your chest. It felt like your world was spinning out of control and all you could think about was all you had lost the moment alcohol got the best of you and you confessed your feelings.

All of a sudden Nolan was standing in front of you, placing his hands on your sides to stop your pacing. You couldn’t look him in the face, knowing the moment he saw you he’d realized how much you meant everything you said last night.

“Hey calm down” He started caressing your arms gently up and down in a reassuring manner.

“I'm so sorry.” you said, tears threatening to fall down your face any moment. 

“Well I'm not.” he replied with a humorous tone that threw you off. You shoot your head up at him with a confused expression that only intensified once you realized he was smiling sheepishly at you.

“I’m actually really glad that happened because now I don’t have to worry about how you may react when I tell you how I feel about you.”

“I think the alcohol killed all my brain cells because I don’t understand a thing you're saying.”

Nolan rolled his eyes at your comment but couldn’t hide the smile on this face. His hands went to cup your face, pulling you closer to him as he wiped away gently with his thumb a few tears that you hadn’t been able to keep in.

“What I’m trying to say is: I love you too.” he said looking into your eyes tenderly.

“I swear if TK comes out of nowhere holding a camera or something I’m murdering both of you-”

“I’m not joking! I love you Y/N. I have for the longest time and I’m a little embarrassed it took you drunkenly confessing how you feel for me to have the balls to say it.” Nolan’s cheeks turned red and you had to bite your lip to not make a comment about it. His eyes full of adoration never left yours, making you feel the all too familiar butterflies, but this time it didn’t feel wrong. This time you didn’t have to hide it or push it away. No, because this time you knew he felt the same.

“Can I kiss you?” he asked softly and all you could do was nod. He started to lean in, heart beating fast in his chest just like yours. 

“Wait.” you said, stopping him when he was less than an inch away from connecting your lips. He pulled away to look down at you confused, hands still resting against your cheeks. “I haven't washed my teeth.” He let out a chuckle.

“I couldn't care less.” he said, leaning down to finally kiss you.

It started sweet and gently, neither of you could believe it was happening, too scared any second you’d wake up and realize it was all a dream. That was until your hands met on the back of his neck, tangling your fingers in his hair and bringing him closer, deepening the kiss. His hands left your face and moved down your back, pressing you against him as much as possible, clutching to you in any way possible. The kiss intensified with the second and you could not stop, you had been craving each other for so long it felt almost intoxicating to finally know what the other’s lips felt like.

-

thank you for reading, hope you liked it! likes and reblogs are always appreciated!

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[trashforhockeyguys]

Don’t Hold Me -20- Carter Hart

A/N: So umm the whole thing takes place in a hospital. Mentions of serious injuries, and all that goes with that. Other than that though, nothing too triggering? I don’t think? As always all previous parts are linked in my master list.

Travis scanned over all of the articles that came out as soon as it became public knowledge who was involved. The media team was doing everything they could to keep it quiet and control the coverage, but news crews were already set up outside of the hospital. They didn’t know who did it. Carter didn’t know the guy, nor could he give an accurate description. It was too dark, it all happened too fast. All anyone knew was that you nearly died. Hell, you still could. 

Travis locked his phone and leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. He’d never seen you look so pale, even all those years ago. You looked twenty times worse now. They were told that you lost a significant amount of blood before anyone could get to you. Travis couldn’t even think about Carter trying to keep you from bleeding out in the street. 

Carter, of course, wouldn’t talk about it. He refused to leave, just like Ethan. But Kora eventually convinced both of them that they needed showers and food. But Carter also had to go to the rink. The media team thought it would be best if they held a press conference. Especially since the media was reporting that Carter had been hurt as well. But physically, he was fine. Mentally though? Travis knew this wasn't something he’d get over easily. None of them would.

Your parents were stuck at home, they couldn’t get on a flight out here, nor could they take the time off from work. They tried everything they could think of, but they just couldn’t. So when Ethan wasn’t here, Travis was in charge of sending them as many updates as he could. Nolan would stop by from time to time to bring Travis something, or just sit with him so he wouldn’t be alone while Kora and Ethan were gone. 

“She looks better today,” Nolan said, sliding into the chair on the other side of your bed. 

“She looks like shit,” Travis mumbled, “They said the biggest concern now is going to be infection.”

Nolan reached over and carefully grabbed one of your hands, “She’s still cold.”

Travis nodded slowly, “They did another blood transfusion like an hour ago. Apparently her body is still trying to regulate.”

Nolan reached for his phone, he scrolled through a couple of notifications, “They’re going to announce that they’ve postponed the game tomorrow. Other teams are reaching out with support. And Carter is about to go live, do you want me to turn it on?”

He shook his head, “No. I don’t want her to hear it.”

Nolan, for the life of him, couldn’t imagine exactly what Travis was feeling. He loved you, sure. But he didn’t love you anywhere near how Travis did. You were Travis’ little sister, the sister he never had. He’d never seen Travis act so protective over anything before he saw him with you. 

He was with Travis when he got the call. Ethan and Kora had just fallen asleep. Carter couldn’t get ahold of anyone else, so he called the first person he knew would be there. Nolan spent the entire drive to the hospital trying to calm down everyone, not just Travis, but Ethan and Kora too. Even Nolan wasn’t sure how he was able to stay so calm. 

“She’ll pull through,” Nolan assured his teammate. 

“I don’t know what I’ll do if she doesn’t.”

Meanwhile, across town, Carter was in a cold sweat. He hated the media to begin with, much less in a situation like this. He had to practically be dragged from the hospital by Kora and Ethan. He’d refused to leave your side. Everything was a blur at this point, but he knew that he didn’t let go of your hand once until you were being wheeled into an operating room. 

He couldn’t remember all of the terms that the doctors rattled off after you came out. Kora was the one who had enough presence of mind to ask them to use simple terms so everyone knew what was happening. But all Carter could hear was that you lost too much blood before you were brought in, that you’d flatlined several times. That it could still be touch and go. 

“Carter? They’re ready for you.”

His hands shook as he followed everyone into the room and towards his seat behind the table. Cameras started flashing automatically. When the Flyers said that a statement was being made, no one thought Carter would be the one to make it. The media was reporting that he’d been hospitalized too. He wished it was him, and not you. 

He blindly answered the questions that were thrown at him. The media team coached him on what needed to be said, less was more. Especially given that they didn’t even have any leads on who did this. 

Everytime he closed his eyes he saw you in his arms, growing paler by the second, as he screamed for someone to help. He wasn’t sure that he would ever get that image out of his head. How could he?

Kora was waiting outside the arena. Her hair was wet like she’d just showered. She was in oversized sweatpants with an old faded sweatshirt to match. She held her arms out, offering Carter a much needed hug. For a second he wondered if he wouldn’t just fall apart right there in the parking lot. 

“C’mon, I’ll take you back to Travis’ place, it’s closer to the hospital,” She told him, “You need to sleep.”

“No, I need to go back to the hospital,” He replied quickly. 

“Carter, you’ve been up for over twenty four hours,” Kora explained, “You won’t do her much good if you’re sleep deprived.”

But when he looked at her, with eyes filled with so much pain, she knew she couldn’t keep him away from you. So, Kora just held Carter as tightly as she could before promising to take him back to the hospital after he at least ate some food. 

The scene at the hospital hadn’t changed though. The rest of the boys were still crowded around you. Nolan came out to meet Kora as Carter rushed in to join Travis and Ethan. But Kora couldn't bring herself to walk in, not yet at least. She didn’t want to see you like that, not up close. 

So instead she handed Nolan a coffee cup and leaned against the wall, “How’s Travis?”

“A fucking wreck,” Nolan breathed out, rubbing his face with his free hand, “Did you get Carter to eat?”

Kora nodded, “Barely.”

Nolan looked behind him, studying his friends gathered in your little room, “The doctor stopped by about half an hour ago, they want to try to back off her sedatives this afternoon. Her vitals have held long enough apparently.”

It seemed that there was a little light to the day. If Kora understood Nolan well enough, you were out of the woods now. Save for the potential recovery complications, but enough that they were willing to try to wake you up.

She took a deep breath, feeling like her chest was going to cave in from the weight that settled on it the moment they got the first call, “You should go home Nol. I can take care of them.”

He forced a small smile, “Yeah but who’s gonna take care of you?”

She shrugged, eyes focused on the three boys huddled around your bed. Kora wondered what would’ve happened had none of you gone out. If you’d all gone right home, rather than staying late at a club. Maybe none of you would be here right now. 

“I’m going to go grab some food across the street,” Nolan said quietly, “Call me if something changes.”

He had to fight himself from looking back at you in the bed. You looked so different from the girl he’d come to love like a sister. Definitely not to the same level as Travis. But he found it to be impossible to be around you for very long without feeling protective over you, just like he was with his own sisters. Nolan never really thought that he’d have to imagine a world where you wouldn’t be around. But now he had, and he didn’t like it. 

You just seemed to make the world better. He wanted that back sooner rather than later.  

It was several hours later when you felt yourself being pulled from the dark. Reality started coming back to you, and that’s when the panic set in. Your heart started to race as you felt the pain, at first what felt like a dull ache felt like a white hot iron being plunged into you. You wanted to scream out, but you couldn’t. You could barely move. 

“Y/N? It’s okay, you’re safe.”

You knew that voice. The same calming voice you’d heard all your life. Ethan shouldn’t be here. You were in a dark part of town, alone on the sidewalk. No...not alone. Carter. Carter was with you. 

“Y/N, I need you to relax, okay? Please,” Ethan seemed to beg.

Your eyes finally opened to stark white lights. You could hear the rapid beeping of a machine next to you, it sounded like a warning. You tried to move, to speak, to do anything, but the pain only worsened. Even breathing hurt. 

“Hey, there you are,” Ethan let out a broken laugh that seemed to almost border a sob. 

You couldn’t think straight, but you knew none of this seemed right. This wasn’t where you were supposed to be. Your head felt like it would split open before you could even get a word out. Your body didn’t feel right. None of it felt right.

“Hurts,” You forced out, the effort of the one word made everything worse. 

“Okay, okay. Hold on, I’ll get a nurse,” Ethan reached over and pushed some sort of button and a few seconds later a nurse came strolling in. 

Everything felt cloudy to you. Like you couldn’t quite wake up all the way. The nurse said a few words to you before moving to your IV port. Pain medication, that’s what she was doing. Maybe without the searing pain you could think. Why did it hurt so much?

“There you go sweetheart,” The nurse said gently, “That should help. You just call us if you need anything else.”

Ethan said a quick thank you, not taking his eyes off of you. You wondered just how bad you must’ve looked. Your whole body felt stiff and heavy. The pain dulled just enough. Almost like the sun breaking through a thick layer of clouds. 

“Carter? Where-”

“He’s fine,” Ethan said quickly, “Kora made him and Travis leave so they could sleep.”

You felt your body relax just a little. He was okay. Zachary didn’t touch him. He was safe. You could take all the pain, as long as you were the only one who had to deal with it. 

“How bad?” You questioned, voice straining. 

You could tell just by the way that Ethan’s face changed that it wasn’t good. Hell, just by the way your body felt it wasn’t good. You could remember little bits and pieces of what happened. But it was like things kept going in and out of focus. 

“Pretty bad. Don’t ever do that to me again,” He begged, “I swear to god. I thought we’d lost you.”

You held his hand, tightening your grip on it. It seemed you hadn’t really come all that far from where you were in high school. There was a time when you were in this exact same situation. You hated that he had to go through this again. Once again, Zachary proved that he would do anything, he simply didn’t care. He never had. 

Some silly part of you still had hope that deep down he cared. Maybe if for just a second. You thought he wouldn’t be capable of something like this. Despite everything, despite all you knew and all he’d put you through, you still had a sliver of hope.

“You look like shit,” You tried to joke. 

“And you look like hell,” He replied flatly, “But you almost died, several times, so I’m allowed to look like shit.”

You nodded, knowing he’d been through enough. Not just in the last few days, but ever since Zachary came into your life. You once hoped that coming to Philly would mean a fresh start for you, but once again he proved that nothing changed. She was still the same little girl, so afraid of her own shadow. 

“I’m going to go call mom and dad,” Ethan said softly, “You just get some rest. I’ll be back in a bit.”

You nodded, trying to relax back into the bed. Every little movement hurt. You knew if you looked under the thin hospital gown that your midsection would be bandaged up. You didn’t want to know the details yet. Part of you still thought you could wake up from this nightmare. Maybe if you didn’t know you could act like it wasn’t that bad. 

But then the thought of what you told Carter before it all happened….You couldn’t go to Canada now. You couldn’t do that to him. Zachary could easily follow you there. It obviously wouldn’t be the first time that he tracked you down hundreds of miles from home. You felt sick. This really wouldn’t end. He would always be there in some way or another. You’d always carry these scars around. 

You would never really be free, and Carter would never really be safe.

[rosesvioletshardy]

all too well - nolan patrick

okay this was the angst i was sort of conflicted of writing and posting because i didn’t know if i wanted it with nols or mat but i decided to do it with nolan because for some reason i’d thought it would fit him better ??

anyways i hope you guys like it because i started writing it on tuesday and finished it at around 4 am today and this is the shortest and fastest time frame i’ve ever written something, especially angst and i want you guys to like it.

(also please note this is fictional, i don’t imagine nolan to be the type of person who would hurt his partner emotionally in a relationship. do not take this seriously)

also yes this is based off of Taylor Swift’s “All Too Well”

i’m sorry if it’s bad and not my best writing

masterlist

nolan masterlist

warnings: angst

# of words: 2,679

—

Breakups were hard. It didn’t matter how many you’ve had, they all sometimes felt the same way. Dating an athlete wasn’t different from dating someone who had a normal 9 to 5 job. There were still the same worries, the same anxiety of whether or not they were cheating on you when they were out or if every “hey, we need to talk.” will lead to something good or bad.

It's been a while since you’ve last seen Nolan since you have moved back to your hometown. Everyone you knew kept asking about Nolan and as to why you were back by yourself and not visiting with him and the most you could tell them was just that you felt a little homesick and wanted to come back home for a bit. The same went for Nolan. He became quieter than he usually was and was more aggressive when he was practicing by himself on the ice. He wasn’t the one to get benched that often, but after managing to get three penalties within the first 30 minutes of a game, they had no choice but to bench him. No one knew what he was going through since he hasn’t told anyone, not even TK about what happened between the two of you, but he knew it was something related

As you sat in your room, you began to remember all the memories you had of him. Living in Philadelphia with him, and going to Winnipeg as soon as hockey season was over and you had time off to see him.

I walked through the door with you

The air was cold

But something about it felt like home somehow

And I left my scarf there at your sister's house

And you've still got it in your drawer even now

Tearing your room apart and looking through your luggage that wasn’t put away, you couldn’t find your scarf and you were sure that you had it packed seeing that the weather had dropped and having something wrapped around your neck could help you feel just a little bit warmer. Yes, there were other scarves but there was something about the one you wanted that made you feel safe. Opening another drawer, it hit you that you left it in Winnipeg when you and Nolan were visiting his parents and you unpacked your stuff into Nolan’s old bedroom.

“Babe, just unpack everything into my room. There’s enough space in there seeing that I still have clothes left in Philly and we’ll be back here soon sometime in the year anyways.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, my parents love you and you’re always more than welcome to leave some stuff here. They have no problem with it.” he told you pulling you in by your waist and looking down into your eyes

“Fine. I just hope to remember to take back some stuff that I'll want to wear back there.”  you told him as he smiled when you pulled back to unpack your stuff

“Don’t worry, I won’t let you forget.” 

Nolan noticed it as well when he went back home and changed his clothes, seeing the piece of cloth neatly folded on top of his items and the empty space that there is now. Picking it up, he admired it, remembering how much you always used to wear it whenever the weather dropped or just for plain fashion, even if it was in the 90s and you were sweating through it. Memories were coming back to him before he got knocked out by the voice of his sister calling him causing him to put it back and quickly shut his drawer.

We're singing in the car, getting lost upstate

Autumn leaves falling down like pieces into place

And I can picture it after all these days

And I know it's long gone and that magic's not here no more

And I might be okay but I'm not fine at all

'Cause there we are again on that little town street

You almost ran the red 'cause you were lookin' over at me

“Hey, you alright? You haven’t said a word the entire walk.” your best friend had asked seeing how quiet you were

“Yeah. I’m just thinking you know? About whether or not I should stay here permanently or a city nearby where I don’t know anyone and can just start over” you told them, only half lying. 

You were thinking but it wasn’t about moving. It was about Nolan, always about him. The leaves falling making you remember the one time where you both decided to go to New York for a bit. The memories make you smile a little bit seeing how when he was with you, it was like being with another person. He would be scream-singing the songs that would be playing from his phone. It was a feeling that he didn’t often express around others except for his teammates and friends sometimes and something he loved doing with you. He was driving and holding one of your hands and looking over to you, while the other hand was on the wheel and next thing you know you’re yelling at him to stop, seeing the red light that was ahead.

“NOLAN STOP!” you had to yell causing him to slam on the brakes as soon as he turned his head back to see the light change. Neither one of you said anything as your hearts were beating out of your chests.

“You okay?”

“Yeah, i’m sorry. Should’ve paid more attention to what ahead. Can’t make up any excuses for that now. Let’s just stop for a bit before we actually get into an accident”

“Yeah that’s a smart idea. And don’t worry it’s equally my fault as well for the music and singing” you said lowering the volume as Nolan rubbed his thumb across your hand to calm the both of you down

The memory was soon snapped out of your mind as you heard the crunch of a pile of leaves causing you to smile at the sounds no matter the memory the season was taking you back to.

Photo album on the counter

Your cheeks were turning red

You used to be a little kid with glasses in a twin sized bed

And your mother's telling stories about you on the tee ball team

You taught me about your past thinking your future was me

“Oh  my god he looks so cute!” you told Nolan’s mom as she showed you another picture of him from when he was younger and on a peewee hockey team, smiling up at him before looking up to you, seeing his face turn even more red

“Okay I think that’s enough pictures for to-”

“Have you seen this one?” his sister asked you handing you another photo of him but this time he’s wearing his glasses and smiling big

“You need to wear your glasses more, you look adorable with it.” you told him while putting your hand to his cheek as he smiled big and looked down

After looking at more photos of Nolan growing up, the both of you retired to his room where you laid together on his bed trying to make room for the both of you on his small twin bed. Your head was laying on his with one of his hands playing in your hair and the other holding and playing with your fingers. It was quiet between the two of you before Nolan spoke up

“You know I love you right?”

“Of course. What makes you say that?” you asked him looking up at him confused with a little bit of concern mixed in

“No reason. Just asking”

“There’s something bothering you I can tell. What’s wrong?” you asked him, now sitting up and looking at him as he looked down

“That moment you had with my mom and sisters, I was just imagining if that’ll be like us when we have kids and we’re showing them their pictures to their partner.”

“You think about us having kids?”

“Yeah. I know it’s early, but I see you still being in the future.”

“I see you too. Do you promise?” you asked him

“I promise” he answered holding out his pinky to make it real causing you to smile and hook yours around his 

Maybe I asked for too much

But maybe this thing was a masterpiece

Till you tore it all up

Running scared, I was there

I remember it all too well

And you call me up again

Just to break me like a promise

The future was cut quickly one night and now there wasn’t much you could do to change it now. Sharing and making memories with Nolan was one of the best things that happened to you and it was cut short. There were times where you wanted to call him and talk to him about things and what happened between the two of you, but as soon as you picked the phone you turned it back off. Nolan had tried calling to fix things and talk things out. It hurt every time he called because you remembered everything that happened the one night that caused the fall out. Promises are something people make when they know they’ll be able to keep. That wasn’t what your situation was. It hurt you that he had tried to make things better and you knew he regretted everything he did but it hurt that he would just be casual about it.

“Hey, I know I’m probably the last person you want to talk to right now but I was hoping that we can meet up this weekend? Over some coffee over at that one café you really liked? Um, just call me back or text me and we can try and figure out a time? I’m really sorry for what I did.”

The message replayed in your head and it was a constant memory that you couldn’t get rid of no matter how hard you tried. You didn’t have the courage to call him directly and asked TK to tell him when you wanted to meet up. It was wrong to do that but you did what you had to do. When the weekend rolled around, you waited at the cafe for a while. Waiting for him to come into the view and sit in front of you, sitting in awkward silence. It never happened. He broke another promise that he made and he didn’t realize it until a week later and you had moved on from answering his calls.

I'd like to be my old self again

But I'm still trying to find it

After plaid shirt days and nights when you made me your own

Now you mail back my things and I walk home alone

But you keep my old scarf from that very first week

'Cause it reminds you of innocence

And it smells like me

You can't get rid of it

'Cause you remember it all too well, yeah

Being back home made you realize that you were an entirely different person than who you used to and you didn’t know how to feel. It felt different and you wanted to change it to how things used to be. You were always honest with yourself but after the breakup, you went with self sabotaging ways and it was worrying you, no matter what you did. You didn’t know if it was the trust you had with the people you were around and whether or not they were able to keep it to themselves or what but telling the truth now scared you.

When Nolan was on his roadies, he always made sure that you had the flannel that you loved so much to tell you that he’ll be home soon and that he was always going to be with you even if he was only gone for a day and back the next. His plaid suit being your favorite whenever he wore it on game days sometimes. You added more plaid to your closet and you didn’t even notice that  matched him. It happened in the small and big way too that it took others to see it as well. For some reason it helped you feel more connected to him. From plaid shirt to matching plaid pajamas you’d wear during the wintertime and now you couldn’t wear anything that involved the pattern. You were soon snapped out of your memories on your way home, when you were handed a medium sized box from the mailman. 

“Y/N L/N?”

“That’s me. What’s this?” you asked him as he handed you your mail and the box

“A package for you. Have a nice day” he said before going to the next person's house

It confused you because you haven’t ordered anything that involved a box that big but you understood what it was when you saw where it came from. Walking into your apartment, taking the closest sharp object near you, you opened the box to find some things that you left in Philly and Winnipeg. An envelope sat on top of them with your name with his handwriting. Taking it out and opening it to see a letter he wrote that said:

“I’m the last person you want to talk to or even receive a package or letter from, but I was cleaning and saw that you left some of your stuff here and at mom and dad’s back in ‘Peg and figured you’d want them back. I hope I got your address right. It took a lot of convincing from Jo to give me your new address and send you these back.. Everyone misses you and I’m not saying that to try and manipulate into coming back, I can’t do that to a person as kind as you. You deserve a lot better. I’m sorry.”

Nols :)”

You couldn’t help but tear up at his note even if it was short and simple. Part of you felt bad because of how he had to beg Jo for your address and you understood that she was trying to protect you. He didn’t need to explain himself about why he did it or apologize. Taking everything out of the box, you saw that he did keep the scarf that you were missing. Nolan was sitting on the staircase with the scarf in his hand. Memories about how the one time he wore it as a joke and started to act like it to get you to smile. Putting his head on his knees, the scarf touching his face, he noticed that your perfume still lingered on it causing him to smile a bit. 

Cause there we are again when I loved you so

Back before you lost the one real thing you've ever known

It was rare, I was there, I remember it all too well

Wind in my hair, you were there, you remember it all

Down the stairs, you were there, you remember it all

It was rare, I was there, I remember it all too well

The relationship you had with Nolan felt like it was the only real one you’ve had. Where both people in the relationship were honest with each other and said everything that was bothering them with either little gestures or spilling everything out. You had told him things like how you were scared that he would realize that there were other people much better than you and that he deserved better before he told you that no one will compare to you and how you’ll be the only one for him. He always remembered the little things about you and what you did and you did the same for him. How he would always have a hair tie for you if you forgot one if it was windy or hot. You knew how to cheer him back up when they lost a game. Now, the both of you aren’t there for each other but you remember everything all too well.

[hockeyboysimagines]

Say it to me softly

Chapter 2

Thank you so much for the response to the first part! You all are wonderful. Here’s part two, and don’t forget to let me know which story you’d like to see next! Enjoy!

Warnings: mentions of alcohol, mentions of death, some swearing.

By the time they returned to Kevin’s house he and the rest of the team had left and Nolan suspected that they had cleared out to give them some space. He was thankful. He loved his team, but he wanted her to himself for a while before he had to share her with his life in Philadelphia. When he had left after the draft, his closest friends stepped in to fill the void he had left but it wasn’t the same for her. He would do everything in his power to make sure she had him anytime she needed him now that they were together again.

Sawyer was going apartment hunting with him the following evening and although she had offered to stay in a hotel he insisted she spend her first night in Philly with him.

“ It’ll be like old times.” He said.

As kids they were constantly sneaking in and out of the house to hang out way past when they were supposed to be sleeping. They never got caught, but they suspected their parents knew.

“ So how does it feel?”

They were lying on Nolan’s bed, staring up at the fan the tv playing low in the background.

“Feels like I should have done this a long time ago. Winnipeg hasn’t felt the same since you left. And since Delaney.”

Nolan chewed on his lip.

“How are your parents handling you leaving?”

She shrugged “ my mom thinks it’s good for me, dad too especially since your here. But for obvious reasons they’re worried. But they have Kellan to help out with the farm. And I have to go back in a few weeks to get more of my stuff.”

“ How are things otherwise?”

“ Everyone still stares, still whispers. You know.” He nodded sighing “ I do. And that sucks.”

“I miss her.”

Nolan reached down between them and found her hand, wrapping it up in his.

“ I’m sure she’d be proud of you.”

She turned to him and smiled “ Thanks Nols.”

They stayed up talking for hours, catching up on everything they had missed over the course of time they’d been apart. Nolan spoke so easily with her, words flowing freely. She had fallen asleep, exhausted from traveling and Nolan stayed awake listening to the t.v and the sound of her breathing feeling more at peace than he had in a while. He heard the door open and Kevin come in. He eased out of bed, padding across the floor and exiting the room. Kevin was standing at the island going through his mail.

He smiled and gave him a nod “What’s up buddy? Where’s your girl?”

“She’s not my-she’s asleep.”

Kevin chuckled and opened the fridge pulling out a beer and held one up for Nolan but he shook his head.

“Your okay with her being here yeah?”

“Of course. If she needs anything just let me know.”

“Thanks but I think she’s okay. We’re going apartment hunting tomorrow.” He mumbled the last part and Kevin frowned.

“Don’t sound so excited Pat.”

“No it’s not that it’s just. It’s nice having her here is all.” Kevin chuckled, and crossed his arms as he leaned against the counter. Nolan had an expression on his face half annoyed half dreamy eyed, and Kevin suspected both of them had something to do with the girl asleep in his bed.

“When you got drafted is the first time you’ve ever been separated yeah?” He asked

Nolan nodded and sat down on a chair. “Yeah and it was really hard leaving. Probably the hardest thing I’ve ever done.”

“How so?”

Nolan glanced behind him to make sure she hadn’t woken up and come looking for him before turning back to Kevin.

“Sawyer has a bunch of siblings. Her oldest sister Delaney was like 17 and we were 12. It was right after school ended like the first week of summer or something, and I went over to her house like I did every morning. A few hours later her mom calls mine and says that Delaney never came home and they found her car abandoned with all her stuff in it.”

“Holy shit. What happened?”

“They found her body a few days later. It was fucked up man.”

Nolan ran a hand tiredly over his face and then smiled slightly “ We spent that whole summer together her and I. I think that’s when we really became the closest. And we’ve been that way since. She kinda relied on me a lot I think for support, and it was nice being able to be there for her. When I left, I felt really guilty, like I was abandoning her.”

“Damn man that’s. That’s crazy. Did they ever catch who did it?”

Nolan shook his head “No not to this day even. For a long time they weren’t allowed to go anywhere unless it was school or they had some kind of supervision. Sawyer wasn’t allowed to bike to my house anymore, someone had to drive her. She basically became my third sister. My parents loved her, still do so it wasn’t a big deal.”

“And you guys never-“

“No.” Nolan cut him off glancing down at his hands. Kevin sat down leaned over the counter smiling slightly and fixed him with a look.

“What? Nothing has ever happened between us.”

“Just cuz it never happened doesn’t mean you didn’t want it to Pat.”

Nolan felt his cheeks burn and avoided looking at Kevin.

“Listen I get it. She’s beautiful and she’s your best friend. But I’ve never seen you look at another girl the way you look at her. You can lie to yourself buddy but you can’t lie to me.”

“I mean yeah she’s beautiful. I know that. But I don’t think she sees me that way. We’ve always just been friends.”

“Have you ever asked?”

“No.”

“Then how do you know?”

Nolan shrugged and quickly changed the subject and after a few moments of chatting he bid Kevin goodnight and made his way back to his room.

Nolan crawled into bed, careful not to wake her and settled in next to her. Her breath was soft and even. Nolan closed his eyes and smiled, feeling his body relax as sleep began to creep into his mind.

At some point during the early morning hours Nolan began to stir, and in his haze of sleep half awake he realized he wasn’t alone in bed. He then also realized how entangled they were and that his hand had crept up under the back of her hoodie and was resting on the smooth skin of her lower back. His cheeks burned as he eased his hand out from under her shirt praying that she didn’t wake up and got out of bed. He had early morning practice and still needed to shower. He found Kevin in the kitchen waiting for him, and left a note for Sawyer on the counter before leaving, his mind still stuck on the way her skin felt under his hand.

****

Nash was a horrible driver. She had texted Sawyer early and offered to come pick her up and Libby up for lunch. After they barely survived the drive and were seated at a table they chatted idly like they’d known eachother for years, before Nash acknowledged the elephant in the room.

“So you and Nolan?”

Sawyer shook her head “No never.” This was a question she had answered so many times over the course of her life, and one she was sure would be asked many more times. While Nolan had always been the love of her life, she had always feared that any romantic activity between them could cost her

“Really?”

“Really.”

“I said the same thing once upon a time you know.” Libby said peering over the top of her menu. “And look at us now!”

Nash nodded her head but before she spoke Libby cut her off “ Don’t even say anything bitch because your in the same boat.”

Nash laughed nervously and sipped her water.

“You and Travis-?”

“Are just friends.”

Libby rolled her eyes and mumbled “at least that’s what they tell people.”

“We are!”

Sawyer could see right through Nash. Her face was red, and she started fidgeting, glaring at Libby’s

“You know your not..” Libby said eyes still on the menu “ I think at this point we all know it.”

“ I think at this point your all imagining things.”

“Do you two bicker like this all the time?”

“Honestly. Yes.” They laughed and Libby changed the subject, as their food arrived and they began eating.

“Are you planning to come to the game tomorrow?”

Sawyer nodded and chewed before answering.

“Yes. I’ve not seen Nolan play yet, I’m excited.”

“Games are always fun. Plus you’ll get to meet the girls.”

They continued to chatter the afternoon away, laughing and talking. Sawyer had a warm fuzzy feeling knowing she had made two friends, and that maybe Philly could be a fresh start for her.

Sawyer didn’t see much of Nolan the next day or so, besides dinner after her lunch date with Libby and Nash. Between practice and reviewing game tape he was busy, but texting her constantly. They had found a cute apartment only three blocks from Kevins and in close walking distance, and even though she could see Nolan wasn’t happy about it she put money down on it on the spot. She had busied herself since then with finding furniture, and a car so she could get back and forth to her uncles horse farm where she would be working.

Nolan was excited to have her at his games again, her face always a welcome sight in the crowd, was something he had been missing here in Philadelphia. She seemed to be fitting in just fine with his team and the girls as he knew she would.

“Hey I’m- so there’s this thing.”

She sipped her water and swallowed pushing her glasses up her nose “Thing?”

“Yeah.” He rubbed the scar on his collarbone, a habit Sawyer knew meant he was nervous, before he spoke again.

“It’s like an event thing, it’s kind of important and I have to go so I was wondering if maybe you wanted to come?” He added the last part as a question, eyes finally meeting hers.

She nodded and smiled “ I mean. Sure. “

He breathed out a breath he didn’t know he was holding in and relaxed in his chair.

Dinner went on normally until he bid her goodnight and left, a victorious feeling in his chest and a bounce in his step as he walked down to his car.

The day of the game came and Sawyer found herself entering the Wells Fargo center for the first time. It certainly wasn’t like junior hockey, much louder and larger the crowd so thick, she almost walked right past Nash and Libby in the sea of black and orange. They lead her to the suite, bickering about something but Sawyer wasn’t paying attention. She was amped to see Nolan play, a sight she hadn’t seen for a while. She couldn’t remember a time when she wasn’t at Nolan’s games, either with his family or friends depending on where he was playing. She always knew he would make the NHL even when Nolan didn’t know it himself. Though they would usually sit in a box in the upper level, Claude had arranged for the wives who were coming to sit in the seat closer to the ice since it was Sawyers first game. The other girls were wonderful, welcoming her in.

“Claude says Nolan is like a different person since you showed up.” Ryanne said smiling warmly at her.

“Nolan is...Nolan is Nolan. He’s always been quiet and moody but it’s nice to know that he can come out of his shell. I’m just glad I can get him there.”

“You should have showed up ages ago!” Gina said laughing “ Shane said it’s so nice to see him this way. We all love Nolan, but he’s always so withdrawn.”

Just as she was about to answer her the lights dimmed and a voice came over the arena. She leaned forward as Carter came up the tunnel and out on to the ice, the rest of the team following behind. She spotted Nolan instantly, looking gigantic in his pads and skates, long wet hair sticking out from under his helmet, he turned immediately and found her smiling slightly before taking off across the ice for a few laps. She smiled back and leaned back in her seat, turning when she felt 4 pairs of eyes on her.

“What?”

“We’re just friends.” Nash said in a high pitched voice Libby giggling next to her.

“We are!” Sawyer tried to glare but a smile broke across her face and she shook her head. She watched as Nolan skated past a group of girls giggling and whispering and watched as a beautiful brunette made eye contact with him for a few moments. She frowned before quickly smoothing her expression. But Libby saw the exchange and pursed her lips before leaning over.

“Better get used to that. It’s an unfortunate part of loving an hockey player.”

Sawyer forced a smile but for the rest of the game had a little grey cloud over her head.

*****

The party at Kevin’s was in full swing as the team rode out their high from the win and alcohol that flowed through their veins. Sawyer felt relaxed and warm, partly from the beer partly from Nolan’s arm across her shoulders. Ivan was killing Carter in cards, and Nash had her legs across Travis’s lap as they watched Carter get beat over and over again.

Nolan looked down at her under his arm. She looked different yet exactly the same as he remembered her and the fact that she was here with him rather than hundreds of miles away in Winnipeg filled him with such a deep satisfaction he could have cried. Her head came to rest on his shoulder.

Travis was grinning like a cat who caught the canary at him, and he pointedly ignored his gaze, until he heard her voice in his ear.

“I had fun tonight. I can’t believe I’ve been missing out on that all this time. I should have moved her ages ago.”

The party wore on, and wound down until Sawyer began yawning.

“Ready to go?” She nodded sleepily, and allowed him to pull her to her feet. She bid the others goodbye and followed Nolan out the door and into an Uber. When he walked her to her door she looked at him expectantly.

“ Are you not coming in?”

He nodded waving the Uber away and followed her in, arms stretched out in front of him. She was a little unstable and stumbled slightly with a small ‘oof’ Nolan catching her around the waist.

“Oh geez I- “

Nolan sucked in a deep breath as she grabbed on to his shoulders and looked up, her face less than 5 inches from his, body pressed against him. Her eyeliner was smudged in he corner and her cheeks were red and Nolan felt this strange sensation move through his chest and for a minute he thought he was going to kiss her.

For a second time that day he found himself with his hands all over his best friend, and wondered what the hell was going on inside his brain.

“Nolan?” Her voice was soft, eyes searching his face.

She let go of him and took a step back, breathing deep.

“Let’s get you to bed.” He mumbled after a moment of silence between them. She nodded and he followed her to her room heart hammering in his chest.

[trashlie]

ILY FP 232

Better known as: trashlie is STILL climbing the wallls and TAKING YOU WITH HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Look idk what I can get away saying in these intros without being spoilery anymore because by the time I sit down to write this I’m just VIBRATING AWAY on pure energy. You know when you feel words at your fingertips but you are too consumed by other menial tasks you’ve no interest in doing so you gotta bide your time and it just grows and grows and grows until it bursts out of you howling? 

Yeh.......

Let’s jump right in!!!!!!!!!! 

I’m gonna be real with you guys - it’s gonna take a LOT for me to not to do rambling long repeats of things I said last week. I’m gonna do my best but... 232 is very much a continuation of 231 so it is what it is! 

Leading up to the episode my friends and I were talking and the general consensus was we hoped Shinae would try knocking down Nol’s door but alkjjjkafjkafkj DIDN’T EXPECT SHE WAS ACTUALLY GOING TO TRY TO BULLDOZE THE DOOR ON HER OWN AND START SHOUTING AT HIM THROUGH THE DOOR LMAO but listen Shinae so very PERSISTENT!!!!! She’s so over being thrown out, SO over being shut out, and it’s all right there in front of her but she just CANNOT see it for what it is, cannot understand what is compelling her besides that she cares.

And boy does she care. 

Her frustration is, as I said last week, completely justified, of course, but in this case, they’re both justified and that really does her no favors, does it? Yelling and banging on his door, trying any tactic she can to get him to open up, to rethink his decision to cast her out. He has basically told her “come back when you figure it out” but she doesn’t know what “it” is or what else could be there, so she can only feel like he’s shutting her out once again, refusing to open up to her after just reconciling. 

At the core of Shinae’s frustration and persistence is fear. She’s so afraid of losing him again, terrified of yet another important person letting go and turning their back to her. 

And as much as I feel for Shinae, I also can’t help but feel for Nol who is on the other side of the door, unable to make himself walk away from it, arms pinned at his side against the door as though he doesn’t trust them to not reach for the door handle, doesn’t trust himself to maintain the boundary. He’s kicked her out - but barely. He can’t leave the side of that door while Shinae stands right outside of it, banging away. GOD I enjoy the agony of it, I NEED MORE. Shinae’s threats are so comical but she’s literally grasping at straws and he knows it. The same Nol who broke that day in the rain is barely holding it together, knowing that once again he is causing her pain. 

As readers we know that once she figures it out, she’ll understand. As soon as Shinae understands what Nol is trying to get her to see, she’ll know exactly why he had to draw that boundary and keep the space, but in this moment she doesn’t know any of this, and it is just so agonizing! 

Just as she’s been confessing all day long, she continues to tell him all the things she can’t see for what they are - how much she hates when he shuts her out, how she can’t understand why they’re back here when they just go out of this and GOD i love it because you can FEEL how much she cares. Even if she doesn’t know what the feeling is, even if she can’t call it what it is, she cares so much! And you can see how much it hurts him! How difficult it is to stand there and let her think he’s casting her to the streets again, to have her fight so passionately for him for them when he understands now what kind of hurt he’s inflicted (and continues to inflict!!!!!!!) GOD

Nol understands so well his resistance - his resolve - and knows he has to keep that physical barrier between them. Even before he could barely look at her when he did, when she flustered under his gaze and command, he threw her out before he could crumble all the way and there’s something about seeing it illustrated this way, showing us rather than telling, how hard this is for him. I’m sure his thought is that once Shinae figures it out - once she knows her feelings, once she can understand his feelings, once she can see what Dieter saw that hurt him so much, she’ll be the one to draw the boundary he struggles so hard with. That once he’s not the only one who knows, she can stop pushing him, can stop breaking him down, can act on the effort he can barely muster. 

I love that panel of Shinae banging on the door while he stands on the other side, face screwed up in frustration and agony. It’s so difficult, it’s SO HARD. She’s going on about being shut out, about how “ a misunderstanding” has come between them. She’s so scared their relationship doesn’t mean to him what it means to her, so scared that he’s content to throw it all away, so scared that she will lose him once and for all - and he has to stand and bear it, knowing he’s causing her to feel these things, knowing there’s no easy way out. 

UUUUUUUUUUGGGHHH SCREAMS

It’s the sheer irony! That the thing he wants her to comprehend is the VERY THING she’s yelling at him about, it’s the very thing compelling her. 

Well. That and her sleep deprivation LMAO 

I never shut up about noticing when characters have their eyes closed, but it’s such an important part of quimchee’s subtle storytelling. Note how Nol’s face is still screwed up in frustration when he tells her to go away, followed by telling her she’s so damn annoying. 

I’ve already seen that there are people reading that at face value but over here round these parts, we know better. Nol’s eyes closed as he tells her to go away, while he stands with his door still pressed against the door. 

He so easily could have walked away, gone back to his bed across the room. Instead he stands there, torturing himself as he listens to her yell at him from the other side of the door. Nol tells her to go away because he needs her to go away, for his peace of mind, for his crumbling resolve, but on some level, of course he doesn’t want her to. Of course sending her away, pushing her away, walking away from her is difficult, is something he forces himself to do, that is so incredibly difficult for him. 

Let’s not forget him at the curb retching after hurting Shinae in all the worst ways and then walking away and leaving her in the freezing rain. 

Quimchee literally doesn’t need to spell it out because it’s all right there for us to see. It’s in his closed eyes, in his back against the door he can’t pull himself away from, in his frustration, in his crumbling resolve, in his sheer agony. 

Let’s also not forget how this all started. It wasn’t even initially about Dieter - it was about Nol hiding himself away, about him refusing to show the parts of him that she really wants to see, about how it hurts her that he can’t open up. At the heart of this lmao it’s literally about how Shinae just wants to LOVE him and he wants her to understand tHAT SHE DOES. 

SCREAMS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I love this episode it’s so good it’s got me chewing through my freaking keyboard trying to write this AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH LKAJFKJFAKJAFJKAFJKAFJKAFJKAFJ 

But, of course, the important take away is that Shinae cannot see the forest for the trees. She’s so caught up in her own intense feelings, lost in her fear and what she wants so badly and she only knows how to fight. Shinae is a bit of a short fuse but it’s even worse because of the harrowing 24 hours she’s been through. To think so many episodes ago she was moving back in to her home with Simhan! It feels so far away after everything that’s transpired! She hasn’t slept, we know she hasn’t really eaten in hours, she’s already in a foul mood after how her dance with Nol soured and how upset she got about what he hides from her. There’s now way for her to be rational - trying to literally kick in his door lmao - or think things through because her despair and frustration is so all-consuming it just clouds her judgement. 

There’s something so funny about how Nana takes her away and suddenly settled down, Shinae just goes full sulking lmao. I love how impetuously teenager it is, too, for Nana to tell Shinae that she does, in fact, need to leave, that is isn’t actually the big deal she thinks it is but Shinae is like blah blah OLD PEOPLE WISDOM IS NOT NEEDED HERE alkjfakfjkafjfa lmao 

It must be so funny to Nana, that this little spitfire girl is fighting like hell for him, fighting so hard to not be cast out, and can’t understand WHY she’s fighting, what any of it means lmao like aflkjafjkafjkafj 

Of course Nana knows. Anyone would be able to tell! From how awkward they were around each other in the room, how sulky Nol was fiddling with her headband (AND THE BLUSHING), the whole argument they’ve had about Dieter - who Nana knows!!!!!!!! Had a crush on her!!!!!!!! Of course she with her decades of life can see exactly what Shinae is fighting. 

Taking her away from Nol is important. I LOVE this exchange they have: Nana: You’d need the right key to get that door open. Shinae: And? A key isn’t necessary when you use enough force! Nana: But you could damage the door. And nobody likes an intruder. Breaking doors could get yourself kicked out and never be able to come back. Both literally and figuratively. You wouldn’t want that now would ya?

I’m sure Nana must speak from some kind of experience. Thinking about how she took him in when he left the psychiatric ward where it seems like he was traumatized, from where he still carries so many unhealed wounds and scars, after losing his mother and being left all alone in a foreign country with no family, made to believe he’s some kind of monster like the loss of his mom was his fault, that he deserved everything that came to him. The special name his mom had given him had been worn down and destroyed, tainted and made to mean nothing. He comes home and he doesn’t even go back to his father, to their family, but someone he’s told is his grandma. How can he trust her? His own father doesn’t want him, he’s been sent to live with some stranger, away from his father’s family. An outcast, an outsider, all alone. 

She probably tried so hard to get through to him. How do you reach someone like him? How do you get through to someone who keeps everyone at arms’ length, who is so full of fear and self-loathing, who has been made to feel so insignificant, so worthless, a mistake, a monster. We still don’t even know just how bad it was locked inside there. His fear of Yui, his aversion to medication and hospitals, how much he detests tea, his touch aversion. How much of what he believes about himself - that he caused his mother’s death, that he deserves all the bad, that he will only bring harm to those he loves, that his existence is a mistake - came from there? GOD it hurts lmao lajfjkfjkafjk LIKE just writing this makes me want to howl. This is such a foundational aspect of who Nol is. He’s not just some melodramatic teenager (which even isn’t a bad thing) but he has spent a significant portion of his memorable life in survival mood, just fighting to stay afloat, fighting all of the demons who hold him down. 

Nana loves him so much, that much is so clear. And she knows him so well. She knows what he needs is time, she knows how stubborn and obstinate he is, and she probably knows all too well how he shuts others out and how, much like quicksand, the harder you fight and struggle, the worse it will be. Her line about breaking doors can get you kicked out is so loaded. Did she try to break his doors, too? Did she try so hard to reach someone who wanted to be so unreachable and found herself on the other side of a door, too? aaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh 

Just thinking about he was just this scared kid so alone and she believes her daughter took her own life and she didn’t see it coming, didn’t imagine her the person who would do it and it reminded her that you never really know, do you? He was this kid so closed off, so alone, who hid so much, and we’ve seen her reach out to him over and over, encourage him to spend time with people who care about him. I’m sure a part of her worries, fears, that maybe he’d go the same path as his mom. Don’t think I’ve forgotten how he told Dieter he “tried to visit his mom”. That HAUNTS me and I bet it’s something that haunts her, too. 

(Alternatively, if he came out with his Yeonggi mask, ready to fake his way through, ready to force a smile a joke a laugh to pretend everything is fine when under the surface she can see it’s not. Remembering how he met Dieter, I think the Yeonggi persona was a thing that grew the more he tried it on, but whether or not she met him as this scared lonely kid or this kid with a fake mask on, we just know she’s been THROUGH it trying to reach him with everything she’s got ;____________;) 

Getting to see so much into their relationship makes me feel SO FUCKING FERAL. Knowing that yes, Nol DID talk about Shinae to her, that contrary to what we’ve seen through much of this series, Nol didn’t always close himself away in his room locked up with his thoughts and self-loathing. That he would go home and talk to Nana about people who piqued his interest, tell her about his hare-brained attempts to befriend them, about the struggles he faced in getting through to them. Did she see the fond irony - that someone who once was so hard for her to reach to get through found someone who was just as difficult to get through to and one day he went from talking about how difficult she was to talking about her as his friend? GOD it gets to meeeeeeeeeee. She must’ve seen the shift, too - when she went from being the subject of his attempt to help out Dieter to being his friend, to mattering to him. 

I’M IN AGONYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

I wish we could see a little bit of that, of the Nol he was so briefly before he had to put the walls back up, before the self-loathing fully consumed him again, before all the tendrils of shadow wrapped themselves around him and began to drag him back out of the light again. But fortunately what we DO get comes close. That moment earlier when he told Nana about how he’d already seen his friends, how they all came to celebrate his birthday can you believe it? GOD MY HEART ACHES. 

I suspect we’ll probably be seeing more of them because clearly someone needs to talk with him - someone rational and removed from the situation, someone who can try to make him see that he cannot help his feelings, that he cannot control all situations, and is any of this really your fault? Is it his fault at all that Shinae didn’t like Dieter enough that way, that it didn’t happen over time? Is it his fault if she instead saw something in him that she flocked to, if there existed something between them that she wants to fight so hard for? AAAAHHHHHHHHHH

Both Nol and Shinae are so stubborn so OBSTINATE and they’re both STRUGGLING so of course it was wise of Nana to take Shinae away, even if she had to trick her lmao. Shinae at Nol’s door only makes it worse, could, as she said, push him to lock her out for real. Nana knows that Shinae hasn’t been cast out, she knows what the problem is, but of course why would Shinae believe her? lol It’s that obstinate teenager thing that makes me laugh so much now that I’m well passed that stage - so certain that no one could possibly understand what you’re feeling, that they couldn’t possibly understand what is wrong lmao 

Honestly, Nana and Shinae are nothing like I expected them to be, and I really love that. Nana barely even knows her, but she does know how to poke and wheedle her. Everything feels so poised to help Shinae zero in on the reason behind her frustration. 

I really love that she revealed to Shinae that Nol has told her about her, that she has, from the sidelines through a biased lens, watched their relationship grow - and as a result, saw the effect she had on him, what their friendship did t and for him. Even though Nol has told Shinae she’s special, because he’s so hot and cold, because he doesn’t open up, because she doesn’t get to see him, it’s hard for her to really internalize that it’s true. How can it be when he’s so willing to throw away all of this, right? So for Nana to reveal that she knows all about how closed off Shinae used to be but that changed didn’t it is such a MOMENT for her. She doesn’t look like she can believe it - Nol talked about her? About how she fought him and ran away? 

More importantly, Nana is trying to give Shinae a little nudge that she can’t yet see. She tells Shinae she’s not trying to make her feel bad about turning down Dieter, but to lay out their foundation: that originally Nol was trying to play Cupid, but the arrows got all messed up. I think it’s one of those things that while right now Shinae thinks it’s just people trying to make her feel guilty, soon she’ll see for what it was - the problem lies in their foundation, the reason Dieter is hurt is because of the way it all went wrong. Soon, Shinae is going to be holding her head in her hands yelling about how did she not see it how was she so blind THAT’S what they meant this is what they all meant?! AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH 

I find it really cute that Nana is using the same technique as Nol, trying to get Shinae to think about her feelings. Why do you feel terrible? What did you actually do wrong? How does it make you feel bad? And then LMAO baiting Shinae with a hint about the problem in an disguised effort to kick her out LMAOOOOOOO to be fair, she DOES give Shinae the hint, just..... not the way she wants LMAO 

The way Nana gets Shinae reminiscing, thinking back on how their friendship began, how they ended up at this point, just what is so significant about those oranges - the things Shinae doesn’t say about how they symbolize the change from him being this annoying guy that she wanted nothing to do with to this person she CANNOT let go of that she CANNOT lose GOD. That’s SO good. She talks about how she’s so bad at talking about her feelings and opening up and that she’s trying to be better at it - but she also cannot stop talking about Nol lmao 

She’s moody about all the things she doesn’t know about him yet. What his real name is, why she’s not allowed to use, how Nana gets to do it why can’t she? Does he hate his name, where did the Yeonggi moniker come from? 

“I wanna know where he got it from... There’s so many things I wanna know about him...”

I JUST WANNA GRAB HER BY THE SHOULDERS AND RATTLE HER AROUND lajkfkfjfkafkjafj I love it, okay? it’s one of those tell tale signs - when you grow interested in a person, when you start to like them and you have that insatiable hunger to know them so intimately to know every detail about them you want to know everything about them you want to discover them from inside out. And for her it’s doubly worse since he DOESN’T show her what she wants to see. She’s out here craving to understand him so intimately and can’t understand why he can’t show her that. Why can’t he be vulnerable why can’t he open up?

She is SO HEAD OVER HEELS she is soooooooo full of feelings she wants to know everything he’s hidden GOD!!!!!!!!

HOW ARE THERE PEOPLE WHO DON’T SEE IT? HOW ARE THERE PEOPLE WHO DON’T GET ANY OF THIS?! 

She THINKS there’s nothing going on between them but she’s sulking to his grandma, she’s upset because he won’t show her himself because she wanted to see his face because they shared this intimate tender moment because it was such a SOFT warm HAPPY moment for her and they couldn’t share it because they weren’t on the same level 

She is MOPING she really thinks he’s casting her out and she’s terrified of losing all of that. 

Shinae over here saying that of course all her relationships with her friends are going to be different but she can’t see why this one, in particular, is so dire, doesn’t understand what the everything she thinks he’s throwing away signifies. 

GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I really look forward to learning more about Yeonggi, because I’ve been really curious about that, too. Was it a name he’d just picked out, what was the significance? I look forward to Nol telling her about it, too; Nana has told her all she knows and anyway it’s better to let Nol do it. It’s better for Nol to know all of this, to hear all the things Shinae wants to know, how she’s so insatiably hungry to know everything about him, how she just wants to know him - everything there is to him the good the ugly the things he hasn’t shown anyone else ;A; aaaahhhhhhhhhh 

Nana is really the PERFECT character to REALLY bring in for this arc. She goes head to head with Shinae lmao and dances circles around her. The whole distracting her as she evacuates her from the building while getting her to dwell on her feelings? PERFECTLY executed. Telling her the hint she’s looking for is that SHE is one of the problems LMAO aklfkafkjafjfjf What’s she supposed to do with that information?! 

Of course, like I said earlier, like Nana is telling her, some down time WILL do wonders. Right now her head is so full of intensity, but when she steps away, when she’s mulling and dwelling and sleeps and assuages her crankiness when her brain can go back to functioning well, THEN she’ll be able to think about it, THEN she’ll be able to figure out what the key is. But right now she’s just making things worse - for him, for herself, and for their problem. 

Sleep deprivation really messes with you lol especially when she’s spent the most harrowing night of her life. Can you believe that this probably beats out THE KIM FORMAL because this time she NEARLY WATCHED HER BEST FRIEND DIE OUT IN FRONT OF HER?! Christ!!!!!!!!! 

And besides Shinae, Nana, and Nol, this episode feels like it’s nudging a couple other things. The pointed emphasis on the hospital departments and floor board feels like a nod that Hansuke will be bringing Kousuke here for his CT scan. On the one hand, I’m really excited to see more about Kousuke and what Hansuke is thinking. I’m no doctor but I assume a CT scan might be able to indicate some kind of drugging just because how it would affect the brain, right? A brain on a particular medication would look a certain way? Forgive me, science was never my strong suit and I don’t know the difference between a CT and other scans lmao but I imagine if it’s the kind of imaging that can indicate neurons firing and active parts of the brain, maybe it would tell them enough that they should try more labwork? Especially now that Hansuke knows about the hormone imbalance and has picked up on Kousuke’s fixation with tea and it being one of the only things he can remember (that he’s admitted). 

But on the other hand..... Nol has SO much going on, is he ready to face Kousuke again? Like, don’t get me wrong, I want to see more of them, especially knowing how worried Kousuke is about him, that he hasn’t forgotten what happened last night or that he caused it. But with everything Nol is dealing with - the aftermath of it all, feeling like an asshole for hurting Dieter, Shinae, all of this, is he ready to see Kousuke again? I guess part of me worries that Kousuke is... yknow. More fragile and that if he fights with Nol, it might affect the progress he made? Or maybe now that they had that er... “heart to heart” now that he confessed those sins his fears he would be able to hear Nol out without deflecting? 

I just know if Kousuke ends up at the same hospital and he spots anyone from Nol’s circle he’ll try to find him lol he IS worried (and worried for HIM not based on Rand or punishment or any of that). He’s got no idea how Nol is, where he is, what happened, how bad it is. GOD. HARROWING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Everyone is going to be SO HAUNTED by this night. 

The other matter is, of course, the custodian taking out the trash when Nana tells them they should go somewhere private, she doesn’t want “him” eavesdropping on the conversation. Initially I’d assumed this is because ultimately she is trying to get Shinae the heck out of there and it’s her excuse to get him out, but it could easily have been written “So no one can eavesdrop” right? 

The theory is that this is one of the people that Yui probably pays to act as a spy for her so that she can keep track of people and always knows what they’re doing, so she can always be two steps ahead. The only thing that really gives me pause regarding this, though, is that she has no idea where Nol is (yet). She has no idea where Rand took him, and I can’t imagine she employs people in hospitals all over the city should anyone report anything suspicious to her. So how would this be one of her spies? 

I’m not saying it’s not possible at all because he WAS very emphasized, but it just leaves me wondering if Yui doesn’t know where they are, how could that be a spy, right? But look, sometimes the narrative pulls a fast one on us. We can’t see what she’s up to at all times, now can we? 

All in all, I really loved this episode and I’ve been loving this arc SO MUCH. All of this everything since the Christmas party has been SO GOOOOOOD!!!!!!!!! Seeing all of those plot lines really converge and the stakes go higher has made every episode a treat to read, but I love that in the midst of this, Shinae and Nol have this very big, important thing to clear up. Over the course 230 episodes we’ve been watching these two grow so important to each other and honestly, I love watching Shinae fight for him like this, even if lmao she’s going at it all the wrong way. For someone like Nol who is so used to being invisible, to have her putting up such a fight, confirming whatever feelings he can’t be sure if she actually feels, would be such a welcome thing - except for the reminder that Dieter has been hurt in the cross-fires. I really want to see Nana have a talk with him and maybe TRY to get him to see it, that you cannot control feelings, that acting on them isn’t bad. That Dieter WILL come around, that he isn’t really much of a friend if he puts his own wants and happiness above Nol’s. 

But of course, Nana alone won’t do. Nol REALLY needs to talk to Dieter, too. But unlike Shinae, Dieter seems to know he needs to be alone for a little while. He’s got to sort out his own feeling and untangle that hurt. Thinking about things from his perspective IS painful - Yeonggi cut them out, he blocked their numbers, he refused to see them, and then suddenly he shows back up after asking to be left alone, he almost DIES in front of them, and Dieter wakes up to witness Nol and Shinae having this moment. 

He’s got a lot of things to sort out, too, he needs sleep and room to think. 

I’m really interested to see how all of it plays out. For Dieter’s sake, I hope there’s some kind of explanation because unlike Shinae, he and Soushi are still in the dark. Why did Nol leave and come back? Why did he box them out? He showed so much affection when he hugged them and told them he loves them so I’m sure they know that he has his reasons but still, people have limits. They deserve to know what Shinae does. I she willing to have that talk, though? 

aaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh

I imagine we’ll probably be veering back to Kousuke here shortly, if not the next espisode. I imagine Shinae may get picked up before that.... ? Maybe? It feels like we were JUST with Kousuke, but I don’t think we’ll be revisiting Yui JUST yet. Maybe we’ll see Shinae get home, let her thoughts pull her to sleep, and then go visit Kousuke and Hanske? IDK god knows I can never predict what’s coming next but no matter which direction we go, we don’t go wrong! 

It’s so funny that the fabled Minhyuk party was something that I thought would happen and then we’d slide slowly into a timelapse taking us through the first time jump to graduation and stuff but SURPRISE: NOL ALMOST DIED, KOUSUKE IS UNDERGOING HELL, NOL’S FREEDOM HAS BEEN EXTENDED, CHRISTMAS IS COMING UP!!!!!!!!! We have literal DAYS left until Nol goes away, and then do we even immediately go into our timelapse timeskip?! Quimchee talked so much about how she didn’t want to have to draw snow, so at least so much of this takes place indoors but LMAO it’s still kinda funny

aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I love this webtoon so much I love this story so much I love this whole arc honestly it’s been hit after hit for me and I’m so glad I get to keep screaming about it every week at all of you and just scale walls and swing from rafters I AM SO HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

[texanstarslove]

10. “Did I wake you up?” With Nolan please!?😘🖤

This is sickening how sweet this is....and it’s just for you, K. 😘

Having alone time when you live with someone else is often hard to come by. Since deciding to move in together, you and Nolan had obviously been spending more time with each other. Most of the time it was great, your relationship with him was approaching its second anniversary and not just by chance. You both genuinely enjoyed being around each other, spending time together is one of your favorite things to do when you had coinciding days off. But with any relationship, spending a little bit of time apart had proven to be beneficial in keeping that healthy dynamic going. You both had no shame in needing alone time, separating yourself from each other for just a little while, a reset of the mind.

That’s why when Nolan went on road trips with his team, you were the most productive with work, chores, or even self-care. It’s not that Nolan hindered your ability to do any of those things, quite the opposite actually, but there was just something about being able to focus solely on the task at hand without any...distractions. Like when you decided that a soak in the tub was something you needed you were able to sit and relax, listening to one of your playlists made for such relaxation without the potential of being interrupted by Nolan and one of those distractions. Or when you decided to finally try the new Indian restaurant down the street, not having done so since Nolan wasn’t too keen on the idea. It was never that you were held back from doing the things you wanted to do, you were just able to appreciate the things that you enjoyed without worrying about anything else, and Nolan understood that. He enjoyed things like playing his video games and while you didn’t mind sitting and watching while you were both home, you just didn’t get the appeal and that was okay. Of course, you always missed each other but you both had a mutual understanding that sometimes doing things separately actually brought you closer together as a couple in the end.

But even though you enjoyed the short time apart, toward the end of those road trips you couldn’t help but start to miss him just a little bit more. In the beginning, you enjoyed being able to spread out in the king-sized bed you shared but as the days went on, you began to feel the chill in the sheets, missing the warmth of his body next to yours. It slowly became harder and harder to fall asleep without his arms wrapped around you. The goodnight phone calls carried on just a little bit longer, his voice bringing you peace and helping calm you so you could eventually drift off to sleep.

Tonight, however, was a different story. You had hung up the phone with Nolan a couple of hours prior yet you found yourself tossing and turning, unable to fall asleep. One more night, you kept telling yourself, One more night and he’ll be home. Your inner mantra had almost done the trick, your eyes beginning to feel heavy as you dozed off when the loud ringtone of your phone startled you awake. You rolled over in bed, grabbing your phone off the nightstand, seeing Nolan’s name flash across the screen. You’re brows furrowed, not understanding why he could be calling you at almost 2 am. You answered quickly, trying to conceal the groggy concern. “Nolan?”

“Shit, babe, did I wake you up?” He asked, the rich sound of his voice already bringing you a little bit of comfort.

“No.” You whispered as you slowly sat up in bed, rubbing your eyes and pushing your hair out of your face. “I mean, kind of but that’s okay. What’s wrong, are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” He grumbled, a heavy sigh following after, “I couldn’t sleep but I’ll let you go back to bed, baby. I’ll be alright.”

“No, it’s okay,” You spoke quickly, “Nols, it’s fine, really. What’s on your mind?”

He sighed once more before he replied, “I just wanted to hear your voice again, that’s all.”

A big grin broke out across your face. “Aw, Nolan,” You cooed jokingly, “Do you miss me, baby?”

“Not if you’re going to be a jerk and tease me about it.” He scoffed, the playful tone apparent in his voice.

You giggled softly at his reaction, practically hearing the smile you know was gracing his features. “For what it’s worth, I missed you too.”

“Yeah, you better.”

You loved the banter between the two of you, it was something that always came so naturally in your relationship. You both sat in silence for a few minutes, just enjoying the company of each other even if it was just through the phone before Nolan spoke softly again.

“The moon looks pretty awesome tonight.”

Ah, yes. The moon. One of your favorite things to do with Nolan when he was away on the road was admire the moon. It had started toward the beginning of your relationship after you had spent a night out with friends while Nolan was down in Florida. There happened to be a full moon that night and when your not so sober self was amazed at its beauty, you drunkenly called Nolan to gush over it.

“God, Nols, you should see this thing!” You slurred, holding the phone up to your ear as you craned your neck up to look at the sky, “It’s fucking beautiful.”

Nolan could hardly contain his laughter at your antics. You sounded absolutely nuts but he loved your enthusiasm. He was in his hotel room winding down for the night and noticed he had a balcony. “Hang on, babe. I’ll look at it with you.” He pulled himself from his bed and stepped out onto the balcony, staring up at the full moon.

“Aw, we’re looking at the moon together!” You cried dramatically, “This is so romantic!”

From then on it became something the two of you did regularly. You felt like it brought the two of you together, made you feel like you were right next to each other even if he was thousands of miles away from you. It eased the feeling you both got when you began to miss each other even more than usual.

You smiled at the memories of the past and slowly made your way out of bed to find your perch at the bedroom window, the moon perfectly visible from your spot. “It’s beautiful, isn’t it?”

“Yeah,” Nolan sighed, “It definitely is.”

“I can’t wait for you to come home, Nolan.” You whispered, “I miss you laying in the bed with me.”

“I miss you too, baby girl.” Nolan mumbled softly, “So much.”

You pulled your knees to your chest, still staring at the moon as you two spoke for just a few minutes more. A sense of peace fell over the both of you and eventually, you began to feel the sleepiness take over.

“Get some sleep, babe.” Nolan finally told you, sensing how tired you were, “I’ll be home tomorrow.”

“Okay,” You sighed, “I love you.”

“Love you more.”

A smile graced your lips as you hung up the phone. You knew sleep would come easier when you got back into bed, but you couldn’t help but stare up at the moon just a little longer, a warm, contented feeling flowing through you knowing that Nolan was doing the exact same thing.

[nhlandotherimagines]

Same Mistakes- Nolan Patrick

Masterlist

@natbarzal @anastasiyaigorevnadobrodevskaya @jonnytoews19 

Authors note: This took WAY too long my apologies, I’ve been focusing on the Family isn’t Always Blood series and this took a back seat! However it’s finally here! Part 11 of the Up All Night series!!

Word Count: ~1.2k

Warnings: ANGST!!!! Toxic relationship, swearing/strong language, Nolan Patrick (obviously but just in case you aren’t cool with that), and just straight sadness tbh. Let me know if I should add anything ❤️

Circles, we're going in circles, dizzy's all it makes us. We know where it takes us, we've been before.

“Are you kidding me right now?” You’ve been sitting on the couch for the last 3 hours waiting for Nolan to get home. You expected him home about an hour and a half after the end of the game, so when he didn’t show up, and wasn’t answering his phone you became worried. Then your worry turned into anger. Nolan was beginning to make a habit of never being around, and you’ve had enough.

“What now?” Nolan grumbles, throwing his bag to the floor, tugging at his tie.

“Oh okay. Seriously Nolan? Do you not understand that I’ve been waiting for you to come home for 3 hours? You could’ve been dead, and would I know? Nope, because you wouldn’t even answer your phone.” You’re yelling now, and Nolan is rolling his eyes at your dramatics.

“Yes, because you were so excited for me to get home so you could bitch about something else right?” He shoots back. He has made his way closer to you, his stare challenging you.

“Fuck you Nolan. Have a nice night on the couch.” You throw back at him, stomping away and slamming your bedroom door for added dramatics.

This fight was becoming common theme between you and Nolan. At least once a month, Nolan would need a break from the constant bickering, would shut off his phone and go out with the boys. You’d get upset, and storm off, but he’d always follow you. Wrap you up in his arms, and kiss you until you forgot.

Not tonight though. Tonight he stayed on the couch.

Closer, maybe looking closer there's more to discover. Find out what went wrong without blaming each other

“We really should talk this out Nols. I miss you.” He’s sitting across from you eating his breakfast while you drink your coffee. Neither of you have spoken a word to each other since your fight the night before.

“I just don’t really know what to say. I needed a break.” He mumbles back, not even lifting his eyes from his plate.

“Okay, well couldn’t you have just said that you were going out, and needed some space for the night?” You try to keep your voice light, but the annoyance you’re holding in causes your voice to shake slightly. Nolan laughs humorlessly, and rolls his eyes.

“Right, because a text saying ‘I’m going out with the boys, leave me alone’ would have gone over so well!” His voice is heavily laced in sarcasm, and it has you clenching your jaw.

“Well you don’t have to be a dick about it.” You hiss through gritted teeth. Your mind is reeling, and the tension between you both seems to grow exponentially by the second.

Think that we got more time, when we're falling behind, gotta make up our minds

“He’s being an asshole Meg.” You groan, laying back on your friend's bed. You’ve just finished explaining the whole situation to her as if she were your therapist.

She sends you a pointed look. “And you’re being a total bitch y/n.”

“What did I do!?” You throw back, offended she’s attempting to throw the blame back on you.

“You come over here once a month and all you do is complain about him. If he’s truly as horrible as you make him out to be, and you’re as innocent as you believe you are, why are you still with him?” Her question leaves you speechless. The two of you sitting in silence. You aren’t sure if it was a rhetorical question or not, but you don’t have an answer even if you were meant to give one. “Maybe it’s time to walk away?” Her voice is gentler now. Though the suggestion still hurts.

“I- I love him Meg.” Tears spring to your eyes, as you feel your heart crumbling under the weight of the situation.

“Do you love him, or the idea of him?” Her arm wraps around your shoulder, pulling you into her chest.

Once again, you don’t have an answer. Instead you cry into her chest, her hand rubbing soothing circles across your back.

Maybe she had a point. Do you love him? Was this even worth it anymore? You’re both being childish, placing blame and waiting for the other to change. Running in circles with no end in sight. What are you even holding on for?

Or else we'll play all the same old games, and we wait for the end to change, and we take it for granted that we'll be the same. But we're making all the same mistakes

“We need to talk.” Nolan is sitting on the kitchen island as you walk through the door. He looks like he hasn’t slept in weeks, as he runs a hand through his hair. His eyes don’t leave your body as you lean against the counter across from him, keeping as much distance between you both as possible.

There is an awkward silence for a moment, both of you unsure of who should break it. You have both had enough of the deafening silence, speaking overtop of one another to finally fill the air.

“I’m sorry-“

“I think we should break up.” The sentence is out of your mouth before you can even register what Nolan said.

His face falls, and you’re sure yours looks just as sad. “You’re giving up?” His voice isn’t as angry as you had anticipated, and honestly you might have preferred angry Nolan.

“We both gave up long ago Nolan, and you know it. We can’t keep on pretending to be happy and in love forever.” Your hands shake as you grasp the edge of the counter to steady yourself.

“I’m not pretending!” He’s frustrated now. “I love you.” His voice is raised, but it’s not threatening. Instead his voice is desperate, whiny almost.

“You love the thought of me Nolan. What we could have been, not what we are.” You correct him and he scoffs pushing himself off the island and moving to create more distance between you both.

“So that’s it then?” His eyes are watering, and you quickly drop your gaze from his.

You nod in response, and Nolan lets out a shaky sigh. “I’ll leave, you can keep the apartment.” With that, you walk down the hall to your shared room, tears finally falling across your cheeks.

“FUCK!” Nolan yells, slamming his fist into something. The wall maybe? The counter? You don’t dare turn to find out. Instead just begin packing your things.

Maybe this is the best option, but when you see Nolan sitting at the kitchen table, face in his hands body shaking slightly; it doesn’t feel like it. Walking away felt wrong, your whole body screaming at you to stop. Your heart pleading with your mind to just turn around and give in, but to no avail. Your feet lead you out the front door without another word, or even so much as a glance at Nolan.

Things change. People change. You both continued making the same mistakes over and over, and you changed. Ironic isn’t it? How two people can do the same wrong things over and over until they become two very different individuals. It’s unfair really, but the cycle has to stop somewhere right? That somewhere just happens to be right here, right now, and with you.

[eelistolvanen]

Bruises that you left behind - Travis Konecny Pt.2

A/N: Well, I finally got around to write part 2. Thank you to everyone that reblogged, commented or like part 1. I hope you like this part and let me know if you want more :) The story definitely isn’t over yet ;)

Words: 4.3k

Warnings: Angst, some swearwords, no proofread (if i missed any let me know)

If you haven’t read Part 1 I strongly advise you to do so, otherwise this isn’t gonna make sense :) 

Italics indicate flashbacks

______________________________________________________

Once you finally calmed down, Nolan got up and made you a cup of hot chocolate. He knew it was your feel-good drink. He’d made you some before when you had bad days.

“Didn’t think you remembered. It’s been a while.” You nose was still running and you were sniffling quietly but the sobbing had stopped.

“You’re my best friend, of course I would remember.” He handed you the cup before sitting down next to you.

“But he’s your best friend too. And I didn’t want you to have to choose between us. After what happened I mean. So I let you go.” You knew it sounded bitter but you couldn’t help it, you needed to tell him.

“He’s not though. Not anymore.” His expression turned sad. “I will never be able to forgive him for what he’s done to you. Done to me. He’s the reason I lost my best friend. Both my best friends actually.”

“But you see him every day. You play together-“ The words died on your lips, you didn’t really know where you were going with this.

“He’s my teammate, yes. But I don’t consider him a friend anymore. And I don’t think many on the team do either. He’s changed, you know. He’s completely shut himself out. He doesn’t hang out with the team anymore. And to be honest I haven’t talked to him outside anything hockey related in months.”

Your heart felt heavy in your chest hearing about Travis.

“I don’t really care, Nolan.”

“No, I know. I just.. I guess what I’m trying to say is… I’m on your side. An for all it’s worth the team is too, y,know. And we all miss you, it’s just not the same without you.” He gave you a sad smile. You knew it was supposed to be comforting but it wasn’t working. Your eyes started to water again.

“Hey, hey, don’t feel guilty, okay? Everyone understood why you left. It’s just that you were a part of everyone’s life here too. And no one really understood why he did what he did. Ha, you should have seen G the day TK stepped foot into the locker room the first day back at camp. We thought he was going to rip him into shreds.”

You let out a shaky chuckle. “I miss the team too you know. They were like family to me. Believe me nothing was harder than leave my friends here behind.”

Silence fell between the two of you. You wanted to bring up that you had kept in contact with Ryanne and Maddie. Even if only sporadically. But you knew that Nolan would feel betrayed at that, with good reason.

You could feel Nolan fiddling with his hands, anxious to bring something up that was lying on the tip of his tongue.

“Just spit it out, Nolan.” You tried to brace yourself for what was about to come but you nothing could really prepare you for this conversation.

“Why did he.. I mean what was the reason, you know. He never told me the real reason…”

You felt your heart stop at his words, you had to take a couple of deep breaths before answering.

“I don’t know, Nolan. He just left me. No reason.”

“But I thought he left you a letter or a note or something?” His words were cautious, unsure if he was even allowed to ask.

“I… I never opened the letter, Nolan. I didn’t want to hear it back then.”

“So where is it now? I mean… maybe you need that closure.” His eyes were soft, searching for yours.

“I burned it. Right after the wedding. I didn’t care about his excuses. He left anyway, all it would do was inflict more pain. So I just burned the letter.”  

“Oh..” He fell silent, obviously not expecting this answer from you. The letter wouldn’t have changed anything. But now you couldn’t shake the thought out of your head.

“Why wasn’t I good enough, Nolan? What did I do wrong?” Suddenly everything felt too much. Tear running down your face again, the sobs were returning and you were having a hard time keeping your breathing steady.

“Why, Nolan? Why did he leave me? Why wasn’t I good enough for him?”

Nolan pulled you into his chest. No matter what he would say, this was going to hurt.

“I don’t know why he did what he did. I was as surprised as everyone else when he told me. I tried to change his mind, I swear. But he just didn’t listen.”

“What happened that day Nolan? Before you came to me?”

He pulled back to look you in the eye, agony evident on his face.

“I can’t do it, Pat.” Nolan turned around, Travis was wearing a pained expression on his face, shoulders slumped down, he looked absolutely defeated.

“What do you mean, Teeks? It’s gonna be fine, everyone gets nervous.” Nolan took a few steps towards Travis and put his hand on his shoulder, giving it a slight squeeze. Travis moved away from his touch and turned his head away from Nolan.

“I can’t marry her! I just I can’t do it, Pat. I’m too young, I’m not ready!”

Nolan looked at him like he had grown to heads. Anger started to rise up in him.

“Yes you can. Now is not the time to get cold feet. You’re just nervous Teeks.” His tone was starting to get louder and more frantic.

“I… I can’t. You have to go and tell her. The wedding’s o-.” Before Travis could fully finish the sentence Nolan had grabbed him by the collar of his dress shirt and pressed him against the wall. His jaw was locked shut and his eyes were furiously glaring at him. Nolan took a deep, slow breath before speaking through gritted teeth.

“No! You’re NOT gonna do this to her! Get your act together Travis. You’re going to walk down that aisle and –“ “I CAN’T DO IT, OK?” Travis’ sudden outburst of anger left Nolan frozen. Slowly his grip on Travis loosened. The anger and fury on his face disappeared and was replaced by something else. An emotion Travis rarely had ever seen on Nolan’s face. Complete and utter disappointment. He let go of the fabric in his hands.

“Why?! At least give me a reason why.” His eyes bore into Travis’ soul. He had to face away.

“I can’t do it. It’s not the right thing to do. I’m too young, we’re too young. It was just a stupid hasty decision, this wouldn’t work. Nolan, you know-“

Nolan dismissed him with a quick hand gesture. He shook his head.

“Save yourself the cheap excuses. I know you better than that, you can’t lie to me…”

“It’s not a lie, Nol-“  “Yes, it is and you know it! You realise that this is going to ruin everything, right? God, the real reason better be something good…”

Nolan slowly turned around and started walking out the door. But before he fully shut it close he turned to Travis one last time.

“I’m never going to forgive you for doing this. And you’ll spent the rest of your life regretting this decision, I’ll tell you that!” An with that he was out of the door, slowly making the hardest walk he’ll ever have to do. To tell you that your fiancé has left you on your wedding day.    

 Once Nolan finished you stayed silent. How were you supposed to respond to this? Travis’ reasoning didn’t make any sense to you. After a while Nolan spoke up again.

“I know there has to be an other reason. I just know… I just don’t know what it is.”

You sighed deeply, defeated. “It doesn’t matter Nolan. It wouldn’t change anything.”

“Maybe it would. You don’t know.” His voice was barely above a whisper, unsure if you wanted to hear this. You didn’t answer and he knew you well enough that it was time to drop the subject.

 --------

Hanging out with Nolan more also meant hanging out with his girlfriend. Not that you minded. You liked her. She was nice, had a good sense of humour and didn’t seemed to mind that you and Nolan were so close. And you had to give her credit for that.

She lived close to you and since she and Hannah were neighbours you started to hang out with her more and more. Even if Nolan wasn’t around. Sometimes with Hannah as well, recently also without her. Only the two of you. You weren’t exactly sure how much she knew about your past but she knew enough about it to not bring it up.

Tonight was no different. Work was finished for today, Hannah was in her evening yoga class and Nolan was on a roadtrip.  Not long after dropping your things at your apartment you made your way to Kelsey’s apartment.  

By the time you arrived Kelsey had already started to prepare for dinner. After joining her in the kitchen you started to figure out just how much food she was preparing.

“That’s a lot of food Kels. Are you trying to feed an army, or what?” You jokingly asked, only was your smile swept of your face once you looked at Kelsey. The guilty expression on her face left you frozen.

“Please don’t be mad!” She quickly replied and before you could even question what she meant she had already dropped the surprise on you.

“I invited the girls. It’s the first away game of the season so some of the girls decided to hang out. And I know were really good friends with them, so…”

You stayed silent. You should have know that you couldn’t avoid them forever, especially after starting to hang out with Nolan again. She meant well, you knew that, but you were also incredibly nervous meeting them again. Kelsey took your silence as a bad sign.

“I’m sorry, Y/N. I didn’t mean to-“

“No, don’t worry. It’s fine. I’m just surprised that is all. And I don’t really know what to expect, so..”

She gave you a soft smile. “They’re happy to see you, if that eases your nerves.”

 And they really were. The girls engulfed you in hugs, telling you over and over again how happy they were to see you. You weren’t really sure if you deserved their kindness, after all were you the one that left. But they didn’t seem to hold you responsible for it and seemed understanding enough. You were also more than thankful that they didn’t really bring any of it up. And as you were sitting on the couch next to Maddie later that evening, you couldn’t help but feel like a missing part of you had returned. After all they used to be like a second family to you.

 -------

A couple of nights later you found yourself sitting between Ryanne and Maddie at Wells Fargo Centre. You initially pitched against going to a game with the girls but after seemingly endless messages from the girls, especially Maddie, Ryanne and Alma, you finally gave in. In return they promised to make sure you wouldn’t have to see him and if you would feel uncomfortable they would bring you home.

But you were actually enjoying the game. You used to love going to games and you realised now that even seeing him from afar couldn’t stop you from having fun with the girls. This was enough distance to tell yourself that he was just some hockey player, that just so happened to play for the home team. And there was enough distraction around to forget that he even really existed. Between catching up with the girls and entertaining Gavin, you barely had enough time to even pay attention to the game.

You were just about to lower yourself back into your seat after the second intermission, as a high pitched scream caught your attention. A couple rows in front of you was a bleach blonde girl screaming Travis’ name as the team made their way back onto the benches. You immediately recognized the type of girl she was. You turned to Maddie.

“Almost forgot about those girls, god I certainly haven’t missed seeing them at games,-”

“Or at bars, or literally anywhere near the team? Yeah, they still exist.” Replied Maddie with a humorless laugh. “Not my kind of crowd, but some seem to like it.”

You internally debated whether to ask her what she meant by that, but ultimately choose against it. The 3rd was about to start anyway. The rest of the game passed in a hurry and before you knew it you were walking towards Kelsey’s car. She offered to drive since the two of you lived close by anyway. And Nolan was one of the slower guys out there, so he would just drive himself to Kelsey’s once he was finished.

“Out of all the placed I imagined I’d run into you, this certainly was the last on my list.” You froze. You thought you left quick enough to make sure not to run into any of the players. Apparently you were wrong. You debated if it was best to just ignore him but decided against it.

“Hey, Kev.” You turned to face him with a shy smile.

“Hi Tiny” he replied with a beaming smile. You wanted to be mad at him for using this nickname, but quickly folded and accepted his hug.

“I can’t believe you were able to avoid me for over 2 years.” Although he was joking you detected a sadness that was laced into his voice. You scoffed.

“I didn’t avoid you, Kev. I-“ You defended.

“No, don’t. You don’t have to apologize Y/N, I get it. We all get it. I know you didn’t actively avoid me. I just wish it hadn’t taken us over a year of you being back in Philly to finally cross paths again.”

He wasn’t even trying to hide sadness this time.

“I know. Me too.” You gave him an encouraging smile.

“Can you do me a favor? Unblock me? So we can finally catch up.” His voice was light and you knew then that he wasn’t mad at you for blocking him. Well, you blocked pretty much everyone.

“I have a new number now. But I’ll text you. Okay?” He laughed silently. “Perfect.” And just as you were turning back towards the car he quietly muttered.

“I knew you blocked me and it wasn’t a broken phone like Ryanne told me.”  You looked over your shoulder back at him, a glint in his eyes.

“I had to, Kev.” You replied more to yourself than him.

“I know.” And with that you made your way towards Kelsey who was already waiting in her car for you.

----------

You were crying of laughter, embarrassingly loud in the middle of your favourite café as Kevin told you one of his many ridiculous offseason stories.

“No, Y/N, I swear this is how it happened.” He deep voice filled with laughter, his hands animatedly held up in the air.  

Once you recovered from your fit you looked up at him again, only to start giggling again as soon as you looked at his facial expression.

“I swear, I’m not kidding.” His voice was sincere, which made the story even more ridiculous.

“I believe you Kev. Ahh, it’s just so crazy.” You wiped the tears from your eyes as you continued “You always know how to make me laugh.”

He nodded and his smile turned wicked. “Are you going to admit now that you missed me? I can handle that you avoided me. But saying that you didn’t miss me hurt. It wounded me.”

You dramatically rolled your eyes at him. “Yeah yeah, I’m sure you nearly died from the pain.”

“I did! Like a dagger into my heart, Y/N.” But he wasn’t able to keep a straight face for long. You expression turned serious again.

“I did miss you Kev. So much. I misses all of you. You, Nolan, the girls, the team. You used to be my second family. I hate that I gave it all up because of him. I just thought everyone would be on his side, after all I only met all of you because of him. I know now that this wasn’t the case. That you’re on his side I mean.”

Kevin stayed silent for a bit, contemplating what he was about to say.

“We might have only met you through him, but that doesn’t mean we didn’t love you just as much. Or even more. You were probably the reason we loved him so much. You have always been the best part of him.” You felt something tug at your heart. It always felt so heavy talking about him, as if talking about some dead person. In a way that was what it felt like. Him leaving felt as final as a loved one dying. There was a part of you that you lost that day, a part that you wouldn’t get back.    

“Do you think if I’d done things differently that..-“ A lump started to form in your throat again. You didn’t want to go down this road, still somehow it always dragged you back into it as soon as he came up.

“Don’t Y/N. Don’t do this to yourself. It was him, not you. There was nothing you could have done.”

You bravely nodded. You were fighting the tears that were threatening to spill.

“Don’t blame yourself, ok? You have to move forward. What’s in the past is in the past. No one can change it now.” He took your hands into his and gave you an encouraging smile.

“Remember what you always told me? Whenever you used to do something that surprised me? That you’re a-“

“A total badass. I’m a total badass and can do anything.” You replied with a smile on your face. “Ah, I almost forgot about that.” You chuckled.

“Don’t forget it! You are too strong to let yourself break over some dumb hockey player.”

The two of you dropped the Travis subject and moved onto better things. You told him about work, your new friends, about home and he told you about Boston, his parents and everything else that he felt was somehow of importance. After a while you felt Kevin starting to get quiet and thoughtful. An indicator that something was on his mind.

“Can I ask you something?” He seemed slightly on edge asking you this. You laughed.

“I was wondering how long it would take you to speak up. What’s on your mind Kev?”

He looked at you for a second, taxing your expression.

“The team Halloween party is next week. And everyone has someone who does a costume with them, so…”

“No, Kev! I’m not coming to the Flyers Halloween party. Absolutely not.” You crossed your arms over your chest. You already let enough people back into your life. Turning up at a teams party was a whole new level. One that you didn’t intend to take.

“Please, Y/N! I can’t go alone. We go as friends, with some amazing costumes. You love Halloween, you can’t say no.” You rolled your eyes as Kevin started pouting at you. Him pouting like a puppy was the last thing you needed, you were basically screwed.

“I’m not part of the team, Kev. And it’s a team’s party.” You tried but deep down you new that Kevin had the better arguments. He was right, you loved Halloween.

“You used to be. And you still are. Everyone wants you to come. I need you to come. I will even let you choose the costumes. And I will be whatever or whoever you want. Please, Y/N.”

He basically had you trapped now. You couldn’t say no to that offer. Unless…

“He’s part of the team. He’s gonna be there and the last thing I want is having to see him.” This was your last resort. Really, it was the only good reason. Kevin let out a sigh of relief.

“He won’t be there, Y/N. I promise. He hasn’t been at a teams party in years. We don’t even bother to invite him anymore. He won’t be there, I promise.”

Game over, Kevin had won. You gave in. Nolan had already mentioned that Travis wasn’t part of any team’s event anymore unless it was officially required.

“Fine. But I get to choose our costumes.” You barely finished the sentence before Kevin swept you up into his arms.

“Whatever you want, princess.”  

--------

This was how you ended up at Claude and Ryanne’s house on Halloween. Kevin surprisingly kept his promise. Dressing up in the most ridiculous outfit. You wore matching 80s aerobics outfits. Only was Kev’s leotard probably two sizes to small and in combination with the pink leggings, the neon green legwarmers, the white sneakers and the yellow sweatbands the wildest thing you’d seen in your life. Your colour scheme was slightly less flamboyant. Still you felt like you’d just escaped out of a 80s sports magazine.

You weren’t the only one who was absolutely baffled by Kevin’s willingness to rock such an outfit. The entire team was hollering and whistling when you arrived and there wasn’t a single person who didn’t ask the two of you to pose in a photo with them during the evening. You couldn’t remember the last time you had so much fun. It must have been years. But from the moment you stepped into the house the team treated you as if you never left. They joked with you, danced with you, drank with you, just like old times. And you were beyond glad that not a single soul was bringing up anything Travis related.

Eventually the evening was drawing towards its close. Midnight not too far away, when Ivan got up to open the door to someone ringing. You weren’t even paying enough attention to realise until Kevin was whispering about somebody probably mistaking the house for an other. You expected Ivan to return quickly but it seemed to drag on and once he finally returned he wasn’t alone.

He looked at you before anyone else and mouthing a quick “I’m sorry” to you before revealing who had knocked on the door.

The moment you saw him you felt sick to your stomach, Kev quickly threw an arm around your shoulder and out of the corner of your eye you could see Claude standing up. Nolan followed shortly after.

“We were about to call it a night, TK. You should go home. And you should really ask first before showing up at a party. Especially if you bring a fan.”

It was only then that you realised that he wasn’t alone. A barely dressed, tall blonde was standing behind him. A felt a stab in your heart. He’d brought someone.

“She’s not a fan, she’s my girl.” His words were slurred, the alcohol he consumed evident in his voice.

You felt like you were about to throw up, so you quickly rose to your feet. Kevin was only seconds behind, already addressing the room. As you started to move towards the door you couldn’t shake the feeling that you’d seen the girl before.

“Alright guys, we’re about to head out. It’s getting late.” He took your hand into his, moving across the room. The rest of the team started to move too. The tension in the room was unmistakable. You gripped Kevin’s hand thighter. You nearly made it past Travis without him making a comment. Nearly.

“Well, Hayesy brought a fan. No way that’s his girl. So why can’t I bring my-?”

Nolan cut him off before he could finish, his voice colder than ice.

“Shut up Teeks, you weren’t even invited.”

Your head had started spinning the moment the word fan left Travis’ lips. You knew you looked a bit different in your Halloween costume but this? Did he seriously not recognize you?  

Kevin was gently tugging at your hand, trying to maneuver you out of the house and out of this sticky situation. You knew that he was doing the right thing and was trying to protect you. But instead of allowing him to lead you out of the door, you ripped your hand from his grip. Anger had started to bubble up inside and as soon as you looked at Travis again it boiled over. To say you were angry was an understatement, you were absolutely vicious.

“ You piece of shit! You’re a fucking coward Travis.” You voice was laced with venom, nearly sitting these words into his face. Kevin put his arms around you again, this time without letting you go and pulling you towards the door.

“I can’t believe you switched me out for some puckbunny. You-“ But Kevin had already dragged you out of the door before you could finish your sentence. And before you knew it Kevin had led you to his car.

“Y/N, I swear he wasn’t supposed to show up.“ You knew he meant it, his voice laced with sincerity.

“Who is she? The girl. I know her from somewhere. Who is she?” Kevin looked at you for a moment. When he didn’t reply, your voice rose. “Kev!”  

“I don’t know, okay? Just… just some girl.” But his hesitation made you cautious. “But you’ve seen her before?”

It wasn’t really a question, more of a statement. He looked away when he replied.

“Only a few times.”

But his innuendo was strong enough to know exactly what he meant with that.

And then it dawned on you. She was the girl you saw at the game a few nights back. She was his new girl.

Part 3

[nol-an]

it was good until it wasn’t || n. patrick

inspired by the prompt, “please don’t make me choose.”

2k worth of A N G S T!! um yea haven’t written in over two years and this is my first hockey fic so bear with me. feedback is always appreciated! (this is not proofread and im sure there are probs some plot holes- oops)

__________

For so long, everything had felt too good to be true. Nolan finally accomplished his dream of playing in the NHL, and you had gotten into your dream school in Philadelphia. To you, there was nothing more important than pursuing a career in the medical field and being able to do that with Nolan on your side.

At times, the long study nights, missed plans, and occasional stressed-induced breakdowns made you question if you were ever going to meet your end goals. That feeling was definitely not foreign to you, but it didn’t necessarily make coping with the thought any easier. It was a weird feeling — four years of undergraduate school almost felt like too much yet not enough time. There was so much you wanted to accomplish, and you sometimes wished you weren’t so ambitious because the days where you felt incapable of being successful were the days that you wanted nothing more than to wallow in your fears alone.

Luckily for you, Nolan was incredibly understanding of your fears. While he knew his life as an athlete was drastically different from your life as a student, he tried his best to understand your thoughts and always told you how much he admired your drive to reach your goals. No matter how often you tried to internalize your emotions, Nolan knew better and never hesitated to be your rock. Be it in the form of verbal or physical reassurance, his presence radiated a sense of comfort that always brought you out of any illusion of doubt you may have conjured. 

He doesn’t tell you enough, but you have a similar effect on him. Your gentle touches, cute pre-game texts, and warm hugs never fail to bring a smile to his face. If he’s being honest with himself, he’s not quite sure what he would do without you. It’s not really a thought he has to worry about, though, because for what felt like a blissful eternity, the stars aligned for you two. There were undoubtedly times when Nolan and you would run into disagreements, but the desire to make things work seemingly mended any issues in the relationship.

That was, however, until everything seem to come to a head. With your MCAT exam date approaching very soon and Nolan’s season with the Flyers starting just as quickly, it was hard for the two of you to bask in each other’s presence like usual. It wasn’t something either of you really noticed, as you both understood how important the other’s career was. You knew how important this comeback season for Nolan would be, and you tried your best to let him know that you would support him no matter what. He didn’t have to say it, but you knew a lot of doubts were rushing through your boyfriend’s head and you almost mistook his increasingly reserved demeanor as nerves. 

In fact, you didn’t really give it much thought until Nolan came home from his fourth game of the season. As badly as you wished you could have attended, the remaining hours you had to prepare for the MCAT were previous and you reassured Nolan that you would be his number one cheerleader again as soon as you got the dreaded test out of the way.

Your nose was stuffed into a psychology textbook until your trance was broken with the slam of the front door to you and Nolan’s shared apartment.

“Hi, baby,” you greeted as you got out of your seat to hug your freshly-showered boyfriend. If the sound of the front door was any indication, you had a feeling that the game didn’t go as desired, and you didn’t want to push any touchy subjects. On more than one occasion, Nolan had told you how much he liked how he could escape from hockey in your presence. He loved that he could escape from that part of his life, loved how you made him feel like a normal guy. You thought this would be one of those nights where even the word “hockey” wouldn’t be uttered, but you were wrong. So wrong.

“You’re not gonna ask how the game went?” Your boyfriend pressed, his tone bitter. Pulling away from your hug, he turned his back to you all too soon and he walked towards the kitchen.

“I-I mean, you know I’m always here to listen about your games, but I just thought you wouldn’t want to talk about it?” you meekly replied, unsure of where he was going with the conversation. 

You weren’t entirely sure what the outcome of the game was, but you were definitely confused. Nolan usually didn’t like talking about the Flyers’ losses, but you were so sure something went wrong based on his dramatic entrance into your shared home.

Prompted by his silence, you continued, “Um, so was it a win?” you uttered, regretting your words as soon as they slipped off your tongue.

Slamming his water bottle on the countertop, Nolan’s actions caused your words to dissipate. Silence filled the room, the tension almost palpable.

“Well you would know if you were there, wouldn’t you?” he replied, clearly annoyed by your seemingly stupid question.

Alright, so definitely not a win.

“Nols,” you tried to reason, “You know I wanted to be there so badly, but I couldn’t. The MCAT is almo-” you were abruptly cut off.

“I know. The MCAT is only two weeks away and it’s super important for you. It’s been the same thing for weeks now, you don’t have to remind me,” Nolan finished your sentence, his monotonous and resentful tone making it clear that he had already heard the same words from you numerous times before.

Had it not been for this same tone, you would have brushed off his comment. You would have instead attributed his harshness to tonight’s loss, which would have been the third one in a row. However, his response felt condescending — like he was downplaying how important the MCAT actually was to you.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” you quipped. It felt like you just recited the most cliche line in the book, but your brain and heart had already started functioning at two different rates. If you attempted to say any more, your stress from the upcoming exam mixed with the rising argument you sensed would have surely sent you into a pool of tears.

“It’s just exhausting you, know?” Nolan started, “I know you’re busy with your own things, but it sucks seeing all of the other guys getting to hug their girlfriends and wives at the tunnel at the end of games while I know I can’t have the same with you. I mean, is it so much to ask of you to just be there for me? How am I supposed to believe that you want the best for me when you aren’t even acting like it?” he argued.

“‘So was it a win?’” he bitterly recited your earlier question, scoffing at it. “You could have at least Googled the score and pretended like you were keeping up.”

You didn’t know what to say. Your confusion immediately turned into anger and shock — you thought Nolan, out of all people, would have understood your situation. Not being able to wrap your head around his current state of irrationality, it felt like hours passed before you willed yourself to reply.

“I've attend almost every game of yours. I’m sorry I haven’t been so good at that recently, but you know how much I want to do well on this exam,” you seethed. 

You were trying to stay level-headed, but anger consumed any possibility of making the discourse calm. “My life does not revolve solely around your career, and I’m sure as hell not going to always be able to put my life on hold to make sure I know what the scoreboard of every game is.” You couldn’t help but let every one of your words become coated in frustration. You thought everything you were saying was so obvious, and you couldn’t help but become more upset with the fact that you even had to reiterate these points to Nolan.

“Sometimes it feels like I’m not even dating someone,” Nolan dryly responded. “Feels like all you do nowadays is drone on and on about this test. Is this what the rest of our relationship it gonna be like? I mean, I can’t imagine what things are gonna be like once you’re in med school,” he hastily commented, pacing around the kitchen.

Every one of his words felt like a punch to your gut. His words hurt more than your face let on, every instinct in your body asking —no, begging— you to flee your current predicament.

“I don’t know what to say,” you truthfully replied.

“Is there even room for me in your life anymore?” he questioned, adding fuel to the fire. “It feels like I’m always second to your fantasy life as a doctor.”

This was your last straw. Sure, you could have tried to see the validity in his initial argument if you gave yourself time to cool down. But now, it felt like he was mocking you. The same person that made your goals feel attainable was starting to break down your confidence. The confidence that he helped you construct was now crumbling, brick by brick.

“Nolan, you mean so much more to me than that. Please, I would never want you to feel this way, and I know we can work this out we just need to tal-” you were cut off once more.

“I don't know if I can do this anymore,” he cryptically stated, letting your worst fears fester around the kitchen that felt way too cramped now.

“Nol, please,” you pleaded. Your anger immediately shifted to dread.

“I want you to achieve your dreams more than anything, but I don’t know if I see myself in these future plans if this is what the rest of your career is supposed to be like. Do I even have a place in your future plans?” Nolan sighed.

Your stomach dropped. Even though he didn’t explicitly state it, you knew what he was hinting at. It was your career or him, and he was making it clear that having both in your life wouldn’t be feasible. As if he pulled out the last brick, you finally let all of your walls down. Tears freely flowed down your face, as you tried to convince yourself that you were hearing wrong. You wanted to scream it at the top of your lungs. Of course you saw Nolan as part of your future. Hell, he was the man you wanted to spend the rest of your life with. However, his seeming disregard for your career aspirations was off-putting and made you reconsider everything.

Your eyesight, blurry from your tears, tried to focus on the hockey player. Your dejected state urged you to reason with him, but you were unsure of what to do.

“Please, Nolan. Please don’t make me choose,” you pleaded. In comparison to your vulnerable state, Nolan was composed. It was as if he rehearsed this, his blank stare void of emotion. You tried to come closer to him, but his body language told you that your touch wasn’t welcome.

“I don’t have to,” Nolan pushed himself off the counter, “The fact that you don’t already know your answer already tells me what I need to know,” he stated. Grabbing his keys off the kitchen counter, he headed to the front door before you could gather your emotions and form words.

Your anger, confusion, and hurt seemed to weigh you down, gluing your feet to the ground. As much as you wanted to stop his exit from the apartment, your body kept you in place. With a second slam of the front door, the gust of wind from the heavy door whiffled through your long-forgotten textbook, the sound of the pages ruffling mocking you. The silence following Nolan’s exit was deafening. You never thought Nolan would make you choose between your relationship with him and your career. You thought you knew a lot of things about life, really, but this was certainly something you were not prepared for.

Your world was spinning, orbiting into a field of anguish and heartbreak. As if your brain hadn’t quite registered the turn of events, you almost thought about calling for Nolan until you were cruelly reminded that reaching for him was no longer an option. Your rock was gone, and you were lost.