#and just push myself to make things because those are MY blorbos?? and if i don't make anything then no one will

[mercymaker]

looking at my gif ideas list and feeling absolutely nothing has to be one of the most crushing feelings as a creator

[qqueenofhades]

Hey! I just found your blog and followed yesterday. Came for the fact that you're the only other person in this webbed site actually say out loud that they liked Biden, stayed for the hope and determination and perspective. Anyway just wanted to introduce myself and I hope you're coping well!

Hello and welcome to you and the other sudden flood of followers that I got after yesterday's event. I'm glad to have you and hope you are all in on the project of Kicking Fascism In The Shriveled Testicles 2024, American Edition. It's a dirty job, but someone's gotta do it.

Biden was not my first choice (far from it) in the 2020 primary process, but when it became clear that he was going to win the nomination, I supported him early and often. Trust me, this was not a popular position, and it remains so, but so be it. By any reasonable metric, he is the most progressive president we have ever had, it is a crying shame that the media is so beholden to the Trump Teat of Drama that they gave him such a kid-gloved free pass and ratfucked Biden instead, and it makes me worry, a lot, for American democracy. I have always gotten a lot of "you support everything Biden has done so you're awful and going to hell!!!" messages, because this sure is a Webbed Site Where We Piss On the Poor, and like -- I don't. I had major disagreements with Biden, especially on foreign policy! But because I apparently did not performatively self-flagellate myself in every post about how awful he was but maybe I guess vote for him anyway, that got some people very mad! It's also true that there's literally nobody in the world anywhere, especially and including in Palestine, that would benefit from Trump becoming president again! Especially since Biden at the NATO summit recently and explicitly endorsed progress on the ceasefire framework he has been pushing for several months! So unfortunately, we live in a society where shitty choices are necessary, and that is part of being a grownup!

....anyway. Deep breaths. Rant for later. Glad you're here. I have been desperately trying to Not Politic for a bit, since doing so on social media in the year of our lord 2024 is a recipe for swift insanity, but the world keeps taking a large dump directly on those plans, and I guess someone's gotta do it. In more normal times (OH LORD WHEN), you can expect history (I am an academic by trade), random posts, various asks, and sometimes a great deal of fanfic for assorted blorbos, though the Horrors have done a number on that and I am also working on an original fantasy trilogy at the moment. (Still deciding whether I should bother trying to agent it or just publish it on Amazon/Lulu/etc.) I have turned off anon for the moment because otherwise my inbox would be a nightmare beyond comprehension, but I do generally enjoy talking about things and/or answering them as much as I can. I am old, queer, tired, fueled by coffee and spite, have been politically conscious since the first Bush Jr. term and have therefore seen all the Anti Voting nonsense before (quick thought: if it was going to deliver the perfect Leftist Messiah and/or stop a flawed candidate from becoming president, don't you think it would have done so by now?) So yes. Welcome again and I hope you will enjoy (if that is the right word for it) your stay.

[acacia-may]

Acacia, I shall be hitting you with a whole fruit salad.

I’m sorry but I do want to ask all of these. So please, take your time answering. 😅

🍒, 🍊, 🍑, 🍐, and 🍈?

Aww thank you so much, Erika! I really appreciate it. There's no need to apologize. I'd love to answer these for you. Thank you so much for sending them in. 🥰

🍒 What’s your favorite character dynamic to write? (Can be romantic or platonic, specific or general!)

I'm sure this will come as no surprise to you but I love to write brother relationships, especially in that sweet spot of they love each other deeply but the relationship between them is strained usually by external and/or internal forces and/or breakdowns in communication driving a wedge between them that makes it difficult to express how much they really care about each other. It's such a fascinating dynamic to me (I honestly don't know why, but I'm always so compelled by these kind of deeply loving but deeply broken relationships where you're looking at these fictional siblings and you just know how much they truly love each other but they just can't communicate that and can't overcome whatever it is that's tearing them apart.

(I'm going to ramble just a little bit here so please excuse me) For instance, you've got Finral and Langris who are driven apart by their own wounds & insecurities but also because they were pitted against each other by their parents and kind of had to see each other as adversaries in order to survive in their abusive home. Whereas Sanemi pushed his brother away to try to protect him and lashed out when Genya misunderstood and tried to prove himself by doing the exact thing his brother was trying to protect him from. Hero and Kel both pushed each other away because they were afraid of hurting each other. And don't even get me started about Kai and Sei because that is just... (I'm cutting myself off)

Anyway, the one underpinning thread here is that there is obviously real love between these siblings underneath all of that pain, strain, and brokeness in the relationship and therefore is a hope that they can overcome these obstacles and build a healthy bond with each other (whether that's again or, in some cases, for the first time). Even I have my limits though and there are some relationships that are clearly unhealthy and unsalvageable. When it's clear that their really is no mutual respect here and/or no potential for change or real love then I'm out. But those ones that are more nuanced where the relationship is just strained rather than permanently broken, I personally am very compelled by those and have a lot of hope of them being repaired. That's probably my favorite kind of relationship to write about.

I also love writing about platonic Male-Female friendships because I feel like those are criminally underrated.

🍊 Who’s a character you don’t write for that often, but keep meaning to write for more? (They’re so interesting! But maybe you have trouble pinning them down, or keep getting distracted by another blorbo…)

Gordon. I'm so sorry Gordon! He was honestly one of my favorite characters when I was watching and reading Black Clover, but he's just so hard for me to write that I've never really been able to do as much with him as I would've liked. I have half a story written from his POV for the Early Black Bulls Series but it was such a struggle that I just never finished it. I also considered making up an OC for him to marry in the future around the same time I was creating Lorelei for Henry (because he just seems like such a domestic type who'd be happy to settle down & have a family one day. Just such a loving Papa). But not a lot came of that. I name dropped his daughter (who is adopted) in one of my fics, but yeah...I really dropped the ball on poor Gordon. He deserves more love.

🍑 If you could make a connection between your favorite character and another work you care about (whether a crossover/fusion or a wonderfully “pretentious” literary reference) what would it be? How would it work?

My sister and I make jokes all the time about (a well-adjusted) Langris sort of "adopting" all the high-stress, overachieving perfectionist kiddos we tend to adopt ourselves from other media and becoming kind of father figure to them and trying to help them --convince them it's okay to have fun and that they don't have to be perfect all the time and try to "earn" love (usually with Finesse's help and/or by begging Vanessa to intervene because he has no idea what he's doing). And the kids really look up to him and think he's super cool. We call them the "Langris Squad." It's a little hard to explain but kind of wholesome in my mind.

🍐 Is there anything in canon that you absolutely hate and love to fix in fics? A wrong choice made, a fuck-up in characterization, a misunderstanding never cleared up, a conversation never shown onscreen, etc…

...that House Vaude Drama needs a resolution. I think especially for me (because I'm a biased Langris-sympathizer) something I always try to include in fics is just trying to kind of explain why in the world he is acting the way he is and is (weirdly enough) sort of helping Finral best him. It's strange from the outside (I have a lot of headcanons about it), so I really like to dive into Langris' emotions, thoughts, and motivations about what's going on there since it was really abrupt and glossed over in the actual canon. Also, again, I like to resolve this mess when I can. (Not always in the same way because there are multiple resolutions which would be fine, but I don't really care for the way it has been handled in the canon).

Another one that comes to mind is the aftermath of the Golden Dawn losing so much of their squad in the fight against Zenon. I know that was a while ago, but it still irks me that we didn't get to see a whole of them grieving and trying to rebuild. Yuno had a really great and heart-wrenching moment about it in the Spade Arc when he tapped into his grief to motivate him during his rematch against Zenon, but I feel like there's a lot of untapped potential there, especially for Mimosa who unlocks such a powerful healing ability that she could use to save other people during the Spade Arc but couldn't use to save her own squad mates. I can't imagine how hard that is for her, and I was actually so frustrated this got glossed over that I wrote a story about it called "For What It's Worth" which unfortunately I think was written in the time before Tumblr and never made it over here. Maybe I'll cross post it, if you (or anyone else is interested)?

🍈 Who’s your blorbo and what are some of your favorite headcanons/ideas about them that repeatedly show up in your fics? Free pass to rant about blorbo opinions.

From Black Clover, Langris. Hands down. He was not always (and I detested him at first), but he's definitely the character I find most interesting now. I just want him and Finral to repair their brotherly relationship so much! It's what I have wanted most out of Black Clover for a very long time. I also really enjoy his friendship with Yuno and especially with Lady Finesse.

I have way too many headcanons about him, but I think the biggest one that comes up the most and has the most bearing over how I write his character is that Langris loves so much more intensely and deeply than he is given credit for. He struggles to be vulnerable and doesn't open his heart to too many people, but when he does, he will love forever and will be willing to make great sacrifices for what is best for that person and what will make them happy.

My most strongly held Langris headcanon is that it is the love that he has for Finesse that has led him to try to help Finral take over House Vaude. I flip-flop a lot over whether it is a romantic or platonic love, but regardless, I am convinced that however you want to qualify that, Langris loves her and is so concerned with her happiness that he would willingly give up what's he has worked for his entire life, his sense of purpose, and, really, his own sense of identity (in a way) just in the off chance that Finesse would be happy. And even more than that...would be happy without him. This is not a sacrifice to get the girl. This is a purely selfless action. He knows if he does this, he will lose everything and they will never be together, but he doesn't care because what he wants more than all of that is for Finesse to be happy and he doesn't think he can be the one to make her happy, so that's why he counts himself out.

[troutfur]

@gophergal @doritopaw101 Great minds think alike I see!

5. Yellowfang

Favorite character in TPB bar none. She made for excellent contrast to Fireheart and bounced off Cinderpelt perfectly. Definitely fits a similar niche to Jayf in the department of having an entertaining character with a sharp tongue. I live in bliss not having read Yellowfang's Secret. I hear she's totally butchered there but I refuse to see it. 🤗

4. Flametail

Half the reason I prefer the Po3 parentage reveal to have pushed Jay and Lion closer to Bramble. One of these days I need to revisit his PoV in OotS and his attitude towards his cousins shown there, if only to reacquaint myself with the ways in which canon disappointed me.

Of the relationships between the Po3 meddie apprentice generation, Jayfeather and Flametail had the only one I genuinely weep canon forgetting. They had legitimate buildup and I would have loved to see it develop.

The way Flamepaw idolizes his older cousin and shows this genuine enthusiasm for the job Jayfeather only has ever resented, the scene in which Jaypaw reacts to an insensitive comment by giving Flamepaw a scare but then gently explains his disability and why he doesn't bother focusing his eyes, the potential for Jay to seek refuge in their familial connection while still mad at Leaf and Squilf...

*clenches fist* I can't get over what we were robbed of.

3. Mothwing

I first became attached to her because one of the first things I learned through fandom osmosis, even before knwing her very well beyond my spoilers binge, was the constant attitude that her and Cloudtail were willfuly blind idiots. I'm not going to go on my tirade on how atheism can be rational even in a world in which deities of some kind are completely real. But it really got to me.

But besides that, I find her, her relationship with Hawkfrost, and the hardships she's had to navigate as an atheistic religious figurehead not only extremely compelling but also extremely resonant as a religious atheist since about age 15.

I honestly really hate how ASC has been treating her, especially with the latest books emphasizing her as the good kind of nonbeliever vis a vis Splashtail. I swear the only reason they are showing her as much sympathy as they are right now is that it's kind of hard not to when she's being contrasted to someone right out of a PureFlix Entertainment movie.

2. Leafpool

We love to see the world's most Catholic schoolgirl core kitty cat.

Leafpool hits a couple notes on the themes my history with the religion I was raised with got me obsessed with and I greatly appreciate her on her own. But to be perfectly honest where I think she shines best is in relationship with my blorbo Jayfeather. Their tenous, mutually frustrating, and abrassive relationship is one of those dynamics that just gets me to spill out words on the page whenever I'm writing them interacting.

I'm honestly really disappointed that so much of the fanon seems to focus on giving them a more smooth relationship that's almost pseudoparental and kind of Leafpool wish fulfillment. Which is really at odds with how I see them in canon, where at best they are cordial co-workers, and even then only after the mess in OotS is sorted out.

I get the urge of wanting to dote on Leafie, I also get it from time to time, but I feel that it really leaves on the table a very interesting canonical facet of both these characters. (Also let's be real, it honestly stinks of people sanding off all the flaws off their faves given one of the main ways Leafpool let out her frustrations was in making ableist remarks. It is perfectly reasonable that given the society of WC she'd have those attitudes, people. It's fine to let her have that as flaw.)

Jayfeather

The blorbo of all time! ❤

I don't know if I've told the story in this blog before but I actually came into the series primed to like him, if only for familiarity bias. For the longest time I knew Warriors as those books that every furry my age seemed to have read and which I saw discourse about ocassionally in my dashboard. His name came up a lot and was seared into my mind so of course when I really got into the thick of reading it I was curious to see what the fuzz was about.

But I do love him for his own characteristics. For one, I'm a sucker for the asshole with a chip on their shoulder character type. I also really like his and his siblings' megalomania and overall bratiness over Po3 (and I really wish they had gotten worse tbh). He also resonates with quite a few themes of my raised Catholic brand of religious trauma. And the way his character arc was fumbled by the writing is a stimulating challenge to go "I can do better!" and then try to do better with.

But overall, it's really just that I have a great time whenever I'm reading/writing about, analyzing, reinterpreting, or doing research to write him. At the end of the day he's just fun to engage with.

[purplebass]

After two months I finally saw my therapist yesterday. Aside from the usual talk (how my summer went and if I'm making plans for the future) we also talked about my hyperfixations. I'm putting this under the cut because... I don't even know. I guess I feel a little ashamed about this but maybe other people are experiencing this as well.

I talked to him how I am a little obsessed with tsc, and how my life is mostly about that. I think about my favorite tsc characters. I make scenarios about them. Which, fine, I am a writer and I create content, so it's normal to like things. I explained who my favorite characters were and their traits and that I also get depressed if someone doesn't like those characters or criticizes them or acts as if they aren't important. I explained that I may identify too much with some characters and I take other people's opinions too personally, as if by saying "this characters sucks," they are also saying "Tweety sucks because Tweety likes this character". The therapist validated this analysis I did and said that perhaps I should try to detach myself a little because he sees it's getting bad (some nights I can't sleep thinking about this and about the numerous ways I can reply to those critiques about my favorite characters). And that I should try writing to myself to understand why I do this and focus the attention back on myself and my reality and don't let myself entangle into my hobbies like this. He also said "talk about other people who like these characters" and I do this, but sometimes, it's not enough.

Today I tried being offline because I needed space to think. I still don't know what to do, honestly. I could try being online less and just post what I feel like posting at the moment, while I try to focus on some other things as well. I don't know what to do. What I know is that thinking and liking the blorbos is hurting me and my mental health but I still need them because they help me go through my days.

If you have any advice on how to cope, feel free to comment. I need to talk to someone about this because I feel so stupid right now. The only impulsive thing that this whole situation pushes me to do is disappear for good and I don't want to do this. I created friendships on this site and I still find enjoyment but my relationship with it is unhealthy and I have to think about my well being as well.

[spelviin]

HENRY'S BACK AND THE HYPERFIXATION HAS REAWOKEN AND I NEED TO YELL ABOUT IT.

Disclaimer: obviously this was a more Normal-centric ep and Will's performance as him was fucking incredible. Buuut since Henry is and will always be my #1 dndads blorbo, this post is mostly about him lmao.

SO. incoherent rambling below the cut

MERCEDES IS GONE NOOOOOOO. I was so hoping she'd still be around, but I guess it makes sense for her to have passed, because you know there's NO chance she would have let Henry go back to fucking Oakvale where he was fucking miserable if she'd had any say in the matter. Speaking of which:

Henry went back to Oakvale??? And is on speaking terms with Barry? I feel like this is either like, some sort of weird self-exile as a way of punishing himself for whatever it is he think he did wrong (I maintain he did NOTHING WRONG but ymmv), or some sort of projection thing? Like, trying to patch up the relationship with his own shitty father because he couldn't fix things with Lark? If that even makes sense. I also wonder if Dood will recognize Barry as a former host the way it did Henry, bc

HOLY SHIT DOOD RECOGNIZED HENRY. I've been speculating for fucking months about how Henry would react to Dood and vice versa, so those bad insight checks are KILLING ME. Either way Henry being so clearly fucking shaken by their presence is perfect, and I can't wait till we get to see his true feelings.

And fucking hell, seeing Henry finally interact with Normal was so cathartic, bc like. This whole season, I've just kept screaming to myself that Henry's parenting style is exactly what Norm needed. He just needed someone to tell him that they loved him unconditionally and were fucking proud of him, and the fact that Henry did that so immediately was just. Everything I ever wanted, thank you for my life Will. And also fuck you Lark and Sparrow for making him so starved for affection that he needed that.

And hoo boy, Lark and Sparrow. Full disclosure, I trust Anthony less than I trust Will in terms of like. Really paying off this whole emotional arc? So Lark and Sparrow have always been the real wild cards in my theorizing. And I gotta be honest, I was a bit surprised that Lark didn't push back at all about going to see Henry, and that things were so, like, civil between them at first? But I'm sure Hermie being dead and Normal being devastated about it and the fact that the fate of the world is literally in the balance made sure he'd be on his best behaviour. And I'm also sure that things will get more intense between them in the next ep anyways so like, I can be patient.

But I did really absolutely adore that beat when Sparrow went in for the hug, and Henry kind of hesitated, and I have all sorts of thoughts abt it, but that's a whole other post in and of itself lmao.

ANWAYS. Henry is back and I've been waiting MONTHS for this and it was EVERYTHING I WANTED IT TO BE and I CANNOT FUCKING WAIT for the next ep holy SHIT.

[stresslitzia]

What headcanons do you have about Elrena/Larxene? ⚡️

Okay this is a question with a long answer. So I had to wait til I got home.

It is worth noting that This Character Is My Blorbo. I was introduced to the series by way of Days, and became so attached to Larxene that almost 100% of my internet presence became associated with her. The rest of the lore was good, but I was here for one specific character, and it showed. (This infatuation eventually included Marluxia and Namine, and also lead me to actually research the lore, which is why I was part of the day 1 group for KHUX. 5-digit id starting with a 3 babyy)

But you're not here for my tale. You're here for what's below this readmore because I have many thoughts.

So.

One major thing I noticed really early on about Larxene- before Elrena was a character we knew about- was how she reacted to things. Marluxia was a proactive character, turning things his way before they needed to be turned. Larxene was reactive, seeming largely unbothered until someone went out of their way to ruffle her.

This was something I was often called out for, and a few years after I got into the series- a few months before we were introduced to Elrena, actually- I learned that such behavior is usually a defense mechanism of sorts. When things are unpredictable, they tend to be easier to react to than to prevent.

This, paired with her nervous demeanor as Elrena- both before knowing who Lauriam was, and after- leads me to believe that she had some kind of traumatic experience before Daybreak Town. Further, the way she reacted when she realized that the flower siblings were- well, siblings- tells me that she may have had(and lost) a sibling of her own.

But the adamant refusal to refer to a friend as a friend("We weren't what you'd call 'friends'") and the fact that she's typically reluctant to help out anyone without an immediate benefit("Since when do you care about others?" "Shush, you!") reads as a post-trauma defense mechanism. She doesn't want things to go wrong again, so she ignores the people she has bonds with in favor of going it alone. Pretty common situation, and one I've been in, myself.

A further point here is that she seems incredibly nervous around the other Union leaders when she's brought to them. Fear of authority is a common trait among those traumatized by family members.

So my headcanon here is that she had a sibling, likely older, who she lost somehow. Either they disappeared, or they were killed. Her parents were perfectionists, and pushed her to give up on everything she enjoyed on account of their need for perfection. Friends most of all. She likely ran away in the name of self-preservation, joining a Union to be seen as 'useful.' Then worked alone, afraid that any friends she'd make along the way would be endangered should her parents ever find her.

Other, less serious headcanons of mine include..

She was in Leopardos, and was one of the top solo Lux collectors. Not good enough to walk away with special accessories, but often raised Strelitzia's party by a few hundred ranks when she'd pop in for the week.

Her Chirithy had the nickname of 'Honey,' based on an old translation of that one scene. She doesn't like to talk about it.

Despite her affinity for speed, and despite every Larxene medal being Speed-oriented, Elrena's specialty was actually in magic. I like to think she had the Diamond Dust Keyblade nearly fully-upgraded when everything happened.

Though I do believe she lost her memory when she got Nobody'd, I like to believe that she still had a vague recollection of Lauriam. That's why she was so close to Marluxia. Theirs is a connection transcending life, death, and memory. And I love that for them.

And I think that, post-KH3 and post-recompletion, she and Lauriam share a home in Radiant Garden. He chose it because it reminded him of Daybreak Town- she followed because she had nowhere better to go. She was just along for the ride, but the ride is over, and she's left to consider her few remaining options as best she can. Nothing that put her friends in danger is still around, so is it time to start making friends again? Is it time to right her wrongs, to atone for her misdeeds, or is it time to become as much of a memory as Daybreak Town did? I feel like her more meek demeanor returning would leave her with a LOT of regrets.

[upthenorthmountain]

One nice thing about drawing the same character over and over is that it lets you see your progress. I feel like I’ve made a fair amount!

When I drew that first picture in September 2014 I was 32 years old. I’d always wanted to be able to draw, but just never got round to it or knew how to get started. Like a lot of people, fandom is what inspired me and gave me the push I needed. It’s the most amazing feeling to be able to draw now, to be able to get down what’s in my head, to make things I love and am proud of. I know I still have a lot to learn but that’s where the fun is!

If you’re one of those people always thinking ‘wow I wish I could draw’, here is how I did it:

I worked through the book You Can Draw in 30 Days by Mark Kistler, which a friend recommended to me (if I'd known then about the book Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain by Betty Edwards I'd have used that too, but I didn't. It's good though)

I filled up a couple of sketchbooks with terrible drawings, mainly figure studies from quickposes.com and bad drawings of my blorbos

Finally thought I had something good enough to post, posted it, received so much support and love that I carried on, and I honestly cannot thank all of you enough for that

Kept drawing and drawing, making myself do the things that were hard or that I thought were above my skill level (harsh truth: you will never get better at the hands if you don't draw the hands)

After a little while I thought 'I wonder if I can use my iPad as a drawing tablet', and started using the Procreate app (then about £4, now about £10 I think, still a flipping bargain), first with my finger, then with a stylus that came with my iPad case, then with a slightly better stylus I bought on eBay, then two years ago I got a better iPad and could have a Pencil which is AMAZING

I have also recently taken two Procreate courses on Domestika which taught me a lot of things about drawing in general and Procreate in particular and I should probably have sought this information out sooner! They were Atmospheric Scenes in Procreate: Paint with Color and Light by Ramona Wultschner, and Female Character Portraits in Procreate, by Natalia Dias, and I would recommend them both

And I kept drawing a whole bunch and my friends were super encouraging so I just kept going and didn't stop

I have tips! Things I've learnt along the way

If you use Procreate, look up and learn about clipping masks, alpha lock, streamline, liquify, Gaussian blur

Don't worry too much about brushes, I mainly just use the hard and soft airbrushes and two versions of round marker (one with low streamline for sketching and one with high streamline for line art). I have a spotty one for freckles and that's about it really for what I use 99% of the time. People will try and sell you brushes by making you think you'll be able to draw like them if you have the right brushes but you won't and you don't want to draw like them anyway, you want to draw like YOU

Use more layers than you think you'll need, you can always merge them later

You will suck at first. You will suck so bad you will want to cry. But you have to be terrible, it's the only way to get to not terrible. The only way you STAY terrible is if you give up

Just when everything seems awful and everything you draw is crap and you don't ever want to draw again, that is when you must KEEP GOING and PUSH THROUGH because you are about to level up. Persevere just a little bit longer and soon you will be staring at your own hands thinking 'HOW'

Drawing is a learnt skill. There is no such thing as Talent, just people who've spent longer learning and practicing than you have. Eight years ago I couldn't reverse park my car, either, and then I got a new job where it was really handy to be able to reverse park in the car park and now I'm really good at it. You can improve at anything if you're willing to put in the time! GROWTH MINDSET!!

[bigskydreaming]

need advice: what do you do when people are SO WRONG and it’s about a stupid tv show but it drives you insane how DUMB and WRONG they are? how did you deal with engaging with people and not just screaming and throwing your device off a cliff during the height of teen wolf stupidity?

LOL, oof, good question. And I don't know that I'm always the best person to look to for this, though my TW era is a better example than my prime Batfandom years - leading to my first point. It sounds like a joke but when I say 'make sure you're medicated, eating well, etc' like....you don't really think about how much your offline state of mind affects how much or how little you're able to put up with online stupidity until you're not staying on top of those things. I'm not as happy with how I handled my general mood & reactions to things in Batfandom as say, Teen Wolf, in the sense that my life was a lot more stable during my major TW fandom years and so I'm a lot more content that when I flew off the handle at people or dug my feet on a point in TW fandom, its because I genuinely felt the situation called for it, rather than just....being generally reactive & trigger-happy about online things because of my general offline disposition.

But once you've taken that into consideration I guess my next biggest advice would be like....on a day when you are in a good state of mind and not in the middle of reacting to something pissing you off in fandom, like, take some time to try and figure out what your big buttons are when it comes to fandom takes, and give yourself permission TO have big reactions to fandom stuff even if it is dumb and stupid and just a show. What I mean by that is we generally disparage our reactions to shows & fandoms and bad takes as being over-reactive and us making a big deal out of stupid little things, but the reality is, the stuff that really drives us up the wall when we think people are being dumb and wrong about stuff....there's usually some underlying element that MAKES it so hot button for us. Rather than try and figure out what that is to condemn or judge yourself for making it a big deal, just try and identify it. Figure out what it is that drives you up a wall when you see people posting a take that you're just sure is wrong and dumb.

And then make THAT your takeaway.....its not people having x opinion about y show that gets you so worked up, its people having x opinion about y issue, as showcased in how they react to certain aspects of a particular show. THAT'S the stuff you want to figure out where you land, if people being wrong about that topic is a dealbreaker for you that you feel compelled to speak up about, or if its something you can let go even if it is going to bug you to do so.

Like with Teen Wolf....there's SO much that people posted about that show that I disagreed with and bugged the crap out of me. Too much. If I let myself get worked up by all of it, to the same degree of intensity no less.....I'd never get anything else done BUT post about it. But once I figured out where I stood on the Big Picture Issues that were central to a lot of the takes that bugged me about the show....its a lot easier from THAT vantage point to decide when I felt it was worth it to engage or push back something, vs when it was just personal to me and I could stand to let it go.

Like the many issues with Teen Wolf's double standards and how they played into racism, the way certain big name posters tried to weaponize social justice terminology or reframe dynamics in certain ways to cast characters like Malia and Scott as abusive while their own personal blorbos had never done anything wrong in their lives....I figured out fairly early on that those weren't takes that I felt comfortable letting pass by without comment, but more importantly, I knew WHY those takes bothered me so much and what about them I thought NEEDED to be pushed back against.....so I was a lot better equipped from that vantage point to give myself permission TO engage.

Because I wasn't fighting myself over it each and every time, disparaging myself that I was getting worked up over personal differences of opinion or non-issues....I'd worked out in my own time, outside of direct conflicts that I had solid reasons for feeling the way I did and I had already determined in advance that like, WHEN these takes came up and I had the time and energy to engage and it wasn't going to take away from stuff I couldn't afford to take away from....I had already given myself the greenlight. When I knew that it was something I'd LIKE to engage on but I just didn't have the spoons or couldn't afford to at the moment, I at least knew where I stood on the subject and that it just wasn't practical for me to go beyond that at the moment.

And then, too, I also knew when there were takes that I had just decided in my own time I didn't feel were worth engaging on. Either because I felt they were too subjective, they weren't really tied to bigger issues that I felt needing pushing back on, or in some cases because they were just personal gripes that I had fandom friends I'd just vent about to privately when they came up....whatever. There were usually a variety of takes that fell into this end of the spectrum, for a lot of different reasons, but the point is, because I'd identified WHY different takes drove me up a wall and how I felt both about the takes and the underlying reason they got to me so much.....I had already given myself the red light about engaging on these subjects, and either just told myself to let it go, or find a friend to vent to about it, etc.

And on occasions when I identified one of these takes as what was pissing me off and yet I really felt in the moment like I just couldn't let it go, like THIS time I needed to make an exception and prove to the other person they were WRONG about this, lol.....I could usually stop myself by falling back on the fact that I'd already pre-determined that this WASN'T a subject I needed to engage on, which meant if in the moment I really really REALLY was feeling otherwise.....that was usually a pretty good indicator that there was something else going on, my offline life maybe had me more amped and reactive than I would otherwise be.....point being, I could work out fairly easily that whatever was going on with me in that moment, it wasn't ACTUALLY that this other person on social media was being so dumb and wrong I absolutely HAD to let them know.

Finally, the last piece of advice I guess I would give here is after you've put in the time to try and get to the bottom of why certain takes bother you so much, and which ones you do feel need to be engaged with for various reasons vs which ones are more subjective or personal gripes that you're probably better off just letting go or keeping between you and friends.....once you've done this, take some time to work out your ideal....palate cleansers. What I mean by this is to keep from becoming too reactive in general, or narrowing your entire fandom presence down to whether or not you engage with certain takes and where and why.....find & remind yourself of things you really enjoy about that show or fandom, things that you can bring into focus or turn to whenever you DO get pissed off about a take that you've decided not to engage with, or even following times when you DO engage with a bad take you needed to push back against....so that you always have something positive or generative to pivot to afterwards and you don't like....get stuck simmering or letting something fester. You're not miring yourself in just your reaction to or feelings about the takes that piss you off...you have a go-to ready in the wings to help you shake that off.

Like if you followed me during my Teen Wolf years, you know about me and Scanny, for instance. I love that ship and its such a non-factor in the grand scheme of Teen Wolf fandom and discourse that I knew I never really ran the risk of pivoting to Scanny stuff right after a Bad Take Palooza or a Heavy Discourse Fest and running right smack into another fight or a bunch of bad takes. It was just....Scanny. LOL.

*Shrugs* Best I can come up with, ultimately. I'm not someone who believes in avoiding confrontation or just pretending that Bad Takes don't matter or become self-perpetuating issues that crop up time and time again....but I also know how easy it is to get so caught up in that you forget HOW to enjoy the thing that you only got into a fandom in the first place with every intention of at least TRYING to enjoy it despite its flaws or its fandom's dumb takes. For me, ideally, its about finding a balance that works for you. Not moderation, per se, but balance. I don't believe they're inherently the same thing, and they look different for everyone, but play around with it, find what works for you, and over time you should get better at threading the needle and letting yourself be your true, opinionated self about topics you're passionate about, but without letting yourself be consumed by it or it overshadowing everything else about your time online.

Sometimes people ARE wrong and you should say so. Sometimes people are wrong and it doesn't need to be you who says so. Sometimes people are wrong and maybe nobody needs to say so and its not actually hurting anyone. And sometimes we're wrong too, lol. C'est la vie.

[shastafirecracker]

for the ask meme: 3, 18, 22?

another break for writing rambles!

3 what’s one scene you always wanted to write but can’t be arsed to write all the setup and context it would need? I would love to write just some smutty smutty PWP of polygun all having fun with vash’s vine tentacles but I keep being hung up by my own inability to let go of canon characterization - the fact that those vines are incredibly traumatic to vash and I have such a hard time getting him in my mind to a place where he’d be okay with even manifesting them, much less railing three people at once with them. argh! it took me however many thousands of words of the VWL post-canon AU to get to a place where I think vash is fine with feathering out and having oops-accidentally-psychic sex with wolfwood and livio. do I have to do that with vash/wolfwood/meryl/milly also?? (maybe?? i’m not saying it’ll NEVER happen I’m just saying it makes me insane)

I also have a slew of AU ideas that I know would make great 100k+ epics but like, man, that’s work, that’s so hardddd whine whine whine

18 do any of your stories have alternative versions (abandoned plotlines, AUs of your own work, alternate characterizations)? again I can’t say anything about BB fic yet, though I will! probably in december I’ll make a roundup post of discards and trivia. and I don’t think I ever have alternate characterizations, because having a strong idea of the characterization through-line is usually where my fics start. but in both Trillium & Ivy and my bb fic I have thought to myself that it would be so fucking easy to make them polygun instead of vashwood. there’s a very noncanon-to-t&i wip of the wives and the bfs having a bi4bi4bi4bi weekend getaway, which… I’m gonna hold onto because there was a polygun event interest check recently and I do like the bones of this wip, it just needs a LOT of work, so. if there’s an event it might be just the thing, idk.

T&I has the most abandoned plotlines of probably anything I’ve ever written besides my old destiel AU. modern-setting AUs have so many potential ways to get sidelined, at least for me. probably the biggest thing is that according to the original outline, the final showdown was meant to take place in like a warehouse at some docks (why? what??), zazie was going to drive everyone there because elendira sent them to get her man back safely, the WHOLE crew was supposed to go (vash, nick, livio, meryl, milly, kaite, zazie) and there were going to be? whole gun fight scenes??

this is a blatant example of what is meant by “don’t be precious with your ideas” - I wrote several thousand words of outline and then looked at all of it and said what the fuck, time to put all of this in the garbage disposal and start over. don’t be precious = drawfee’s whole bit of “delete your art.” sometimes you gotta accept not even scavenging for bits to salvage, just burn it all.

the fic is MUCH better for it

22 do you reread your old works? how do you feel about them? I do! I love them! oh it’s the tea, for me, the tea for me, the tea specifically designed to kill me, etc etc! I drift off from rereading my own fics in older fandoms often because I’m just not rotating those blorbos in my head so hard anymore, but for finished fics in my current fandom, it’s like hey wow this author wrote a fic that will push every single one of my buttons with extreme precision, because this author lives in my head and is me, lol. also, when I get a review that mentions any specific thing, I have to go back and reread that bit to extract all the dopamine from seeing it through fresh eyes and imagining how the reader interpreted it or felt about it.

[linkslastbraincell]

IDK why I have such Strong Opinions about the Hateno House Debate BUT for what it's worth;

my problem with the switch of Link's house becoming Zelda's house is that there's no in-game text I've seen referring to them living together, unless you interpret her saying Link never leaves her side that way, which would work for me, BUT the only thing that's really Link's is at the bottom of Zelda's secret well-lab that I'm pretty sure she mentions is also hidden from Link. I saw someone reference the Champion's Ballad picture in the house, too, but those were also Zelda's friends so of course she'd have it up. So I wish that chest was in the bedroom or main room so it felt more like Link actually lived there-- tbh my presumption was that before totk Link literally slept outside like a watch dog, cause it seems like the kind of thing a feral golden retriever like him would do. Like,they have a twin size bed? You cannot tell me neither of them flail in their sleep. If they both slept in that bed they'd wake up tangled in the sheets each sporting a black eye. And I think it's kinda sad if Zelda just like. Never pushed him to customize his own space. Idk I just want them to actually get to be people between games. ANYWAY all that is to say it doesn't matter because I'm assuming either the devs don't view Link as a character, he's just a guy that gets dropped into the world as an avatar for the player, and/or they want you to make up your own mind. So like whatever live ur zelink dreams! BUT the whole reason I'm writing this is BECAUSE I HATE. THE DREAM HOUSE!! LOL. So I'm like if they lived together, what's even the point of the dream house? I'm guessing the idea was either a) well if you want your own customizable space here it is, or b) if you prefer to think of them as friends, here! You can give Link his own house! But because it's such a big game the dream homes.... are terrible. They're ugly. They're depressing. I'm sticking my poor traumatized blorbo in a bunch of shipping containers and hoping he doesn't worsen his depression with vitamin D deprivation. And the decor is.... awful. Like don't get me wrong, I like the little pre-furnished rooms. But if you're gonna give me a house and a yard that big to customize you gotta give me like. Minecraft or animal crossing levels of customization because the landscaping is depressing as hell. I wanna be able to add windows and pots and tables and gardens I design myself, not buy a room pre-furnished. So, as a non-game dev who didn't break their back making this game and is instead enjoying back-seat designing from the comfort and ignorance of my home pc, what do I suggest? I wish!!! they let us!!!! Add on to the Hateno house!!! Wanna give Link his own space? Add a bed room for him. Add a storage room for his weapon displays. Upgrade the paddock. Add a shrine statue if you're too lazy to go into town proper! I really loved the landscaping of the old spot so the new one feels pretty sad to me (though don't get me wrong, the pond below the cliff he lives on is so cute, I love that spot). I wish we could at least add flowers and a proper pond to the main yard lol. Anyway I hope they get the chance to add more to the dream home if they wind up doing DLC despite their announcement to the contrary, but I understand the game is already a LOT of ideas and they aren't going to touch up all of them.

[formulatrash]

f1 shipping gets kind of weird for me to begin with. i have seen people get into HEATED arguments about which ship is better and every time i just think people understand these ships aren't real right? half of these men are publicly in romantic relationships with women. there are a few who go out of their ways to say they won't do certain, really just regular activities that platonic friends could do together, with other men because they don't want to be perceived as gay. and i don't really fault them for that because i see how cruel fans are when drivers show they're accepting and inclusive by voluntarily wearing rainbow symbols or just simply saying they believe in equality, love is love, etc., but idk there's still something so gross about usually straight fans telling me certain drivers are like icons and activists for the LGBTQ+ community due to simply having a PR "relationship" or close friendship with other drivers on the grid. i love a nice sportsmanship moment or genuine friendship moment as much as the next fan, but that isn't "activism." that's doing NOTHING to address or prevent the abuse LGBTQ+ fans receive, especially in f1 spaces, both online and at races.

also idk i hate how every time teams or f1 themselves try to push these ships and bromances, the comments usually range from hateful and discriminatory to outdated stereotypes. and those harmful comments are NEVER deleted by admins. like, okay, cool, that's a really cute carlando or yukierre or whatever photo f1 or mclaren or ferrari or alphatauri has posted, but this does NOTHING for making me feel more accepted when a) it's fictional. it's friendships, some maybe closer than others, but it's not really LGBTQ+ representation. (at least not outwardly. i am not trying to assume anyone's sexual orientation here either, but none of these relationships have been confirmed real, and frankly, i don't think teams would be as open to publicizing these relationships like this if they were real romantic relationships, like some fans believe, due to drawback from homophobic fans, sponsors, etc.). b) how is this supposed to make anyone feel welcome and accepted when half the comments are like "who's the man and who's the woman in that relationship?" (something i fucking hate being asked myself. if i wanted a man in my relationship, i would just fucking be with a man).

idek if this makes sense or if i really even made the point i was trying to make but it bothers me too.

a lot here so, idk, apologies if I don't quite answer it all but I will give a try.

shipping wars in general are pretty weird to me, especially that something that feels so antique (like, Yahoo Groups-era internet) is going stronger than ever today.

that said, I think people who are completely aware it's fiction having some blorbos they like thinking about is also completely harmless. for a lot of people shipping whatever is a source of joy and play and to some extent companionship and it can create lots of good things. humans are meant to think things through by playing and sometimes dressing up the dolls you're doing that with in, I don't know, Star Trek uniforms or F1 racesuits or whatever is just the blorbo seasoning of the week.

it would absolutely nuke my brain to read. uhm, idk, I just looked in the F1 tag and pretty much anything in there as far as I can tell but I think it's fundamentally harmless as something people do, when it's understood as fictional.

that said; I fully get you about the mistaking shipping for activism thing. this actually, oh, let's get deep in the internet lore, used to be a big thing on here about 10 years ago. for whatever reason the Johnlock community went like, big on shipping pride and how it was an important expression of LGBTQ+ identity and inevitably, the loudest advocates were the straightest. cringe.

now, on the one hand I do think there's something to be said for queer interpretations. especially in the rigidly straight mainstreams of sport and media. if you think of reinterpreting the silly, silly world that is F1 as not for straight people then, well. yes, there's something radical to be said for that thought process.

imagining another possibility is a way to realise how absurd the current reality is. and that's good. but pointing at things and saying 'that's gay' when as far as we know it's not isn't that.

appropriating straight people (and many of the drivers have confirmed that is absolutely how they identify) as representation is, well, sometimes I can understand why LGBTQ+ people take crumbs. but when it's in a space where there are none of us then calling that acceptable or suggesting it fixes a huge demographic imbalance it doesn't is obviously a massive problem.

there are very few openly LGBTQ+ people in motorsport. pretending that's not true in reality isn't creating representation. it's fun to think about a world where there was more of us but it shouldn't replace the reality or excuse our absence.

and then there's the cynical marketing.

I've always really hated Jeandré. I know how many LGBTQ+ people were in the Formula E paddock at the time because I was one of them. clearly, JEV and André played into it, as did their team and Formula E but it was always so uncomfortable to me, that this was play-acting in an environment where the real thing would probably have got more of a pass than in any other part of motorsport but still not been treated with pride and acceptance.

it was something that drove engagement. which, god knows, Formula E needs so maybe that should be the next marketing tactic but it was also... not real.

I've said before I found things like all Sky's Carlando segments really uncomfortable. the one where Lando and Carlos took each other on laps and asked each other very dating-oriented questions was just... very uncomfortable. because men can ask each other dating-oriented questions, it shouldn't be a punchline.

to their credit Carlos and Lando actually always deflected any attempt at 'no homo' - they clearly have a very comfortable friendship and they didn't ever seem to get skittish, no matter how weird interviews got. I can respect just sort of seriously looking someone down and saying like, no you blink first if this is gay chicken. if you're trying to ship us, you've got to admit it.

but that didn't make it right. or make it that they were representation. remember when there was that seriously odd blog on here that claimed to be written by marketing specialists and body language analysts that was a transparent attempt to 'prove' carlando was true and both Lando and Carlos' official relationships were fake?

that felt very strange, a new development in motorsport fandom. obviously we all know it happened with One Direction and whatever but I was surprised to see that there was a ship that invested in, in F1. and needless to say, it was completely libellous and incredibly invasive, as well as quite misogynist.

shipping won't help a driver come out. and acting as though it's totally unrealistic that drivers could be in a relationship together obviously ignores the fact that some of them are (Jess and Abbie!)

anyway as a bonus piece of analysis for anyone who got down this far, when did Max/Charles go past the F1 RPF titan that is Simi for number of works??? unbelievable, never thought I'd see the day that was knocked off the top spot by two ships involving Max Verstappen. poor ol' brocedes.

[mcalhenwrites]

It's interesting to me that people are saying more and more often that you can't rely on corporations such as Disney to provide you with adequate queer media, but it is being made by other queer people. I said such a thing and suggested supporting indie queer folks, because eventually, yes, it'll show there's a demographic for it. And got told off for it on this stupid hellsite years ago for saying anything like that! YAY :)

I've been reading a lot of queer books lately, and while some of them don't fit my criteria, it's still nice to have the selection. I'm interested in representation, but only if it's alongside a story I like. But for those who enjoy young adult romance, we finally are seeing more options! Meanwhile, I watched one of my former fandoms tease gay ships only to suddenly start pushing het ships ten times harder - as the series gets more popular! SE and D!sney can barely bother, and both of those companies are pretty... uhhhh lmao SE's response to the lack of people of color in 16 is not good actually! One of my blorbos has a crush on a player who can be male or female and is owned by D!sney and produced by SE AND the SE queer mascot is derived from the flower she's named after, and I still expect player will default to male. (So far, most media has done that, and only one official book has gone with female) And I really don't want to fucking hear that somehow those companies will change our lives so let's just keep feeding them money. Not saying you can't enjoy the media from any of those companies bc I'd be a hypocrite to say so. But also, I'm not practically slapping aside queer creators like they're nobodies, or slapping them aside but fussing about how it impacts me personally I'm slowly burying myself in piles of queer books and love it, and yes, this does impact me both as a creator but also as a reader/gamer/etc? ("consumer" makes me sound like I'm not appreciating the hard work, but I guess saying I'm the audience would work?) I want the queer media that feels like it speaks to me deeply I want the queer media that speaks deeply to someone else, even if it isn't me I want all of it ALL OF IT Creativity is a precious thing. We won't always understand someone else's. I just want it all to exist as normal. I will take queer media from queer creators. I will take it from people who are not out yet. I will take it from allies. I will take it from anyone. I will take it from huge media companies. I just want it to exist so we all have a selection. (but please, stop thinking that the selection is only going to come from multibillion dollar companies??? that doesn't make it somehow better)

[llocalgoblinn]

THOUGHTS

had my first like. REAL play scene with a sub/puppy and i need to outline all my thoughts now that its been a few days and i'm a little more regulated.

holy shit that was incredible my entire brain is changed and i don't think i'm ever going to go back. being a dom and having like, casual bdsm focused sex feels so much more natural. it's insane. i love having a sub. i want like four hundred more. not really, i want more but i want to do my best by them, but also like OMG. my real life blorbo?!?!

definitely still have my anxious attachment triggered when i don't get a text response back lol. not as severe as when i've let myself lean into the emotional piece, but being ignored triggers me. probably always will. just gotta accept it and keep doing what i'm doing to work on being with myself in those moments, or asking friends to connect.

he also had a really hard drop post scene, which i kind of thought might happen. we did a decent scene winddown, but i did kind of flag it when i brought up aftercare on our first meeting and he was a little skittish. it was the only thing that seemed to make him uncomfortable, lol. i'm wary of pushing buttons with someone i don't know but it really doesn't jive with my style to have any sub, especially mine, dealing with sub drop alone/it's worse because i'm not being firm about aftercare. so we'll see how that develops. i think it might be important for me to have a protocol so we're both not dropping after every scene. did kind of expect the first to be intense since i haven't played in a while.

i feel like there is so much research i have to do and i want to quit my job and just focus on doing this. lmao.

i'm excited that i don't have to like HIDE this and i can share with my friends and some of them are even EXCITED to meet and possible not scene, but be involved in our dynamic. so blessed and accepted for who i am.

ok my brain feels better lol i love verbal processing honestly. i need to get back in the habit of dumping my entire brain into this website. blogging is the best.

[queenharumiura]

[ i thought i wouldn't have the energy to send anything tonight and was telling myself i already sent one a few weeks back. however. i do what i want, so i'm here with a grand total of 86★ so godspeed tumblr. ]

knowing we have similar love/dedication for our blorbos is reassuring for my self-consciousness. sometimes i get worried people only know the way byakuran is in the anime/future arc/khr merch, when i only do the arcs after that and manga-only-- but you get it. it's Safe and Good.

all the creative fun time drabbles are so fun! no matter how many i send in, you're always down for them no matter how greedy i feel at times. that's one reason why the drabble i did for you ended up so long (as did that mini one from private the other day lol.) and the other reason is because. THEM.

always admire how active and responsive you are! even though i have such low energy/take so long with actual posts, it's comforting to know i can still send in memes here and there without feeling guilty about not returning favors.

i end up with like 3 or so potential lines (or thoughts) with every post i make, and a lot of them have had a chance to shine lately in the hc posts and drabbles. except the ones i have in the Plot Potential file, but those are still in there for a reason.

T H E M . i'm still so self-indulgent but they're so fun together!! so wholesome despite everything ever!! i may be able to ship byakuran with almost anyone… but i feel like 10086 always rises to the top in my head anyway. they're just. Good!

it's always comfy knowing you don't mind how slow i generally am, especially with posts. not much to say on that one besides i really really appreciate it.

i think i told you this a few days ago, but i've kinda learned how to expand on things just by rping with you? normally i suck at multipara and used to get scared just thinking about it, but i think i'm getting the hang of it. maybe it still takes a lot out of me, but it's not scary anymore. that i can thank u for.

haru-chan is THE best girl in khr (as i have always felt) and having someone who makes her so COOL is??? incredible!!!

i think there were a couple others but whatever i'm hungry and sleepy. GOOD NIGHT :CocoSEEYA:

Send me a ⭐ if I’m one of your favorite mutuals and explain why ||Accepting|| @parallelroutes

Oh wow you did warn me but it is a long one. I'll readmore my bit so at least just one part is long lekek.

We do, we do have very similar energies when it comes to how much we love our muses. Virtually identical, but hard to really say. All that matters is that we care for the beans. I felt that though as I’m a post-series Haru blog and so I deviate from what people saw of Haru. I focus on the potential that Amano didn’t expand on. I deviate away from the in love with Tsuna aspect of Haru because that will quite LITERALLY KILL ME.

Glad to hear that you enjoy all the creative fun time drabbles. They can take me some time, but I do enjoy them. I just love writing things and if people enjoy them, all the better! I just love being able to exercise my creative muscle and seeing just what my brain can come up with. Sometimes, I amaze even myself with the ideas that I come up with. Feel free to send in whatever you want whenever you want. I don’t care. I’ve had people be greedy when it comes to my Vday events and then they send in for every single muse and all our AUs. (It’s not much but it’s honest work.png)

Ahahaha I too am not the most high energy people out there. I’m old. I’m tired. I just push through sometimes based off how much love I am feeling in the moment. Haru truly is the thing that keeps me going in life. But in general I’m so very tired. Catch me when I’m not talking to people and I’m like hello I’m dead, I don’t exist. Don’t talk to me, don’t look at me, don’t perceive me ‘ding!’ oh hello friend, I can be perceived for a bit. Alone? Okay, don’t talk to me, don’t look at me, don’t percei—and it repeats. Lol I so very much love my alone time. I thrive in being alone, but I’m also open to talking to people about whatever. I’m game to talk about Haru whenever, but I also am down to talk about anything. I know how it feels to not feel like you’re perceived. To feel like no one actually sees you so I always try to go out of my way to make sure people feel seen whether it’s as simple as commenting on an ooc post, or liking a post.

At this point I gave up on trying to answer bullet by bullet, I’m like half awake with the way my one eye has decided to stay closed. Very tired and yet here I am not sleeping. I make poor life choices.

ANYWAYS! I’m a pretty understanding bean. I know that people get busy or that they have muse for certain things. As long as communication is open and I’m told about why there may be a delay in something, I’m fine with waiting. I’ve waited literal years for replies before and so I don’t care how long I need to wait- so as long as communication is still there. That’s all I need. If you need time to create something you’re happy with, I’m always willing to wait. No stress, just work at your own pace. We do this for fun, so there is no point if you’re over-forcing yourself. Ultimately I want everyone to be happy and to have fun.

Haru is my life, my queen, my life, my EVERYTHING, my--- ANGEEEEELLLLLLLLL (hamster meme). It’s forever funny to me that I disliked her at the start of everything and now she’s my everything.

So, in casual Neo fashion, I always return by saying things myself bc I’m not good at just simply receiving. Man, I don’t even think it’s been a year since we’ve met yet and we’ve been through it- huh? Gone through a lot, but you know, here we are still vibing the best we can, tired/low energy and all. With everything it comes with learning how to work with people, and I think we’re definitely getting there and thriving.

There is a lot of potential between Byakuran and Haru. Was for sure before and there will be now with Byakuran and Haru 2.0 (kekw). The Haru this time around is of a slightly different characterization, but it’ll still work out fine. It’s always fascinating to learn more about him and see how the interactions go between them.

I feel like you take a more realistic approach to him, somewhat like how I tackle Haru. I try to study her and then break things down in a parsed way that makes sense to me and run with it. I don’t just break her down to the bare minimum like I see some do in fandom. She’s a whole cake and I’m not going to just settle on the embellishments of her character.

I feel that’s what makes our interactions fun and engaging because of that. It does take a lot of time due to that, but I think it’s worth it. Happy as always to see that you’re enjoying things!

[eponymousfics]

Just some personal anecdotal rambling while I take a break from cleaning about homesickness and writing:

(Under a cut bc it’s basically a personal essay lol)

I started writing Alola Again back in late 2021 (I think?) because the pandemic meant that my yearly visits back home had been on hold, and the yearning to go home was even stronger because of the general fear and anxiety of the whole situation.

I mean, it actually started because I decided to finally 100% my Alola ‘dex, since I’d sunk 1000+ hours into Animal Crossing: New Horizons at that point and needed a different game. Then Guzma suddenly hit a blorbo sweet spot in my head that had previously not existed (or had been entirely occupied by Nanu. I am a ‘cynical old man with a heart of gold he does his best to hide’ enjoyer).

I haven’t done a full reread of AA since fully uploading it, but I’ve gone back to some of the earlier chapters and listened back to a lot of my writing process voice memos, where I rambled to myself for collective hours trying to hash out plot details or pacing and character development etc.

I think looking back on it, I can safely say that fic would not have happened without the pandemic. That type of deep, concentrated homesickness that was the root and driving force behind its inception and execution was uniquely a result of quarantine isolation and the fact that I knew it wasn’t safe to travel home, and possibly wouldn’t be for a long time.

I already kind of knew this, because I wound up with the chance to go home in spring of 2022, when I had almost finished the fic but had a few more chapters left of the final draft to work out.

The INSTANT I was home, the tensed up spring of energy and need that had been pushing me along to make NaNoWriMo numbers every month for six months just…evaporated. And it was hard picking the fic back up again afterward. I couldn’t work on it much at all while I was home, which you’d think would be the opposite, since I could do ‘on location’ research, so to speak.

But AA is honestly so much more of the romanticized and idealized memory of my childhood and what I wish it could have been (much in the same way Alola itself is a very clean and idealized version of Hawaii, honestly almost pure tourist vision. Backed by real elements and actual research in places, yes, but also so carefully not mentioning/keeping out of frame the colonization and genocide of native culture while still presenting the polished version of the current state, which is entirely the result of those historical atrocities. Which, I can see why and how that happened, but I still have complicated mixed feelings over it and how much I enjoy the game despite that, and frankly in some ways because of it) that it became almost impossible to hold onto the dream that it was when sitting squarely in the middle of the reality it was based on.

As messy as things got because narratives need conflict, Mahina’s homecoming to Alola was everything I desperately wished my own could be. It’s simpler and easier because I have control over every element of it. All the emotional conflict happens on my terms because I’m the writer, I get to choose which emotional complications I want to examine and which I want to quietly pretend don’t exist.

And I get to see them all resolved, and have love and joy and humor thrown in to make it all palatable and worth it. It is baked with my baggage, it’s possibly more revealing than I should let anything put on the Internet be.

But I think a lot of fanfic is like that, and while there are a lotttt of technical flaws that I see now even just skimming over it in passing, the core of the story and the characters, the core of what it became, is still something I’m proud of.

And the fact that it’s finished, of course. Whatever else, it’s the first piece of long form writing that I’ve stuck to through multiple drafts to bring to completion. Is it perfect? No. Is it popular? No. Is it finished? Yes, and that’s important. For me, anyway.

Anyway, I’ve just had a lot of this on my mind because I’m home again, and slowly warming up to the idea of finally getting started on a sequel, which was always in the drafts but I needed space from it to even consider making a start. And because that deep down, bottom-of-the-soul homesickness is no longer gnawing at my every fiber. Whatever fuels the sequel, it won’t be that. I’ll have to attach a new anxiety onto it, I guess.

I think it did help me understand how to make these visits back home, though. Every time before had been fraught with tension between family members and an unnamed dissatisfaction because the reality of home couldn’t live up to the idealized yearning in my heart, but this trip…it’s been much easier.

I think the impromptu nature of it is helping. Originally, I wasn’t supposed to be here for three more weeks, but Circumstances(tm) dictated otherwise and I last-minute moved up my flight. Maybe I just didn’t have time to build up unrealistic expectations for it. Maybe I was just so depressed that the change of scenery has boosted me enough so I can just chill.

I don’t know what it is, probably a combination. But considering how I use fic as a big bandaid solution to not being able to afford therapy, well, I’ll probably wind up exploring it more in future writing. Whether that’ll be in the sequel to Alola Again or something else, we’ll see.