#and kickin just goes ‘but what is UP with that guy >:0’

[happi-dreams]

Very happy that all of you guys think my eepy lil things are indeed eepy :D

[shaekingshitup]

Shae’s First Date

For anyone who is bored: the most brief (that I can recap because ya girl is a lengthy heaux) summary of my first date goes as follows:

EDIT: THIS SHIT AIN'T BRIEF. SORRY NOT SORRY 🤷🏿‍♀️🤷🏿‍♀️ But I put a TLDR at the end.

I matched with a guy on Bumble who had some cool hobbies and some of which overlapped with mine. We talked daily for almost 2 weeks before we met up in person and the guy was a very big charmer/woo-er. Like if I was messaging this kid I was constantly laughing and smiling

Tbh this was a lil bit of a red flag to me becauae I'm like: "no one is this charming. Something has gotta be up" & I legit came up with a few different scenarios. But I chose to shelf them because people do that to me all the time.

Like I'm just a really loving person and I will gas people up or go out of my way to make them happy if I can and people always want to try me like that can't truly be how/who I am or if I'm doing it it's because I'm trying to get at that person and they are always wrong. All the way from best friends to new acquaintances I really just like when people are happy. I mean the world's shitty already, if I can make your day easier or put smile on your face I'm game!

So we're on the phone one night (stayed up to 3 am sacrificing my sleep talking to this dude 🙄) talking more about who we are as people, what we're looking for in an ideal partner, etc. I told him straight up both via call and via message that honesty is really important to me. I value honesty with myself and also with others.

So also in this late night call things got a lil spicy 🌶 🌶 I was honest and told him that I'm pretty much a blank slate. Never fucked/sucked, etc or had anything like that done to me. He was taken aback like everyone I share this with is. Apparently I'm some sort of unicorn 🦄 out here in these streets to all y'all hoes. He makes a comment about stealing a kiss from me the next night and I said "I might allow it."

But the point is. I told him what it was. I was honest. That's my truth.

I didn't tell him that I'd never been on a date/kissed anyone because he didn't ask. Maybe if I would've said something, things would've been different. But I can't "what if" what's already happened y'all!

SO, day of. We messagin and snapping. I'm allll ready. We're going to a drive in and I'd never been to one before so I'm excited. I'm also just committed to making this a good time because I easily get distracted and often don't stop to take my experiences in to experience them fully. So I said not today!!

I got snacks. All of his favs and some of mine. I brought drinks and a blanket. I looked good.

Like I said in my pre-date post: I didn't have any lofty ideas about this dude being my soul mate or anything but I anticipated a good time.

He picked me up at our designated location. My sister met him and got his license plate; because apparently I had enough sense to realize I didn't know this nigga but not enough sense to later realize I didn't know this nigga.

It wasn't gonna take as long to get to the drive in as originally anticipated. So we went to a local park and sat in the car and talked because the park was PACKED and ya know RONA!

It was somewhat awkward because it was our first time talking face to face. But we found a groove and I'm extroverted af y'all. So, I can get people to have a conversation.

Topics range from our days, music and conspiracy theories which he's really into. What kind? Like: Shakespeare wrote the Bible is one. A lot of people that we know from media aren't really the original ones that we were introduced to is another. Ya know like that Beyoncé is not the real Beyoncé. There's two Trumps. There's two Hilary Clintons etc.

So at this point sensible me is like: this can be the point where you go home girl. You're 5 minutes away from your place. You can just say this ain't workin and cut it short.

OPTIMISTIC/BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT GIVIN/NAIVE SILLY ME IS LIKE: well, I 100% don't agree with anything you're saying just because you're saying it. But ya know, I don't know everything and I'm not in the business of judging people-especially since we just met and I don't want this human to feel uncomfortable. So, okay. I don't agree. But I won't judge. Let's just continue on.

If you haven't guessed by now which me I listened to, you may be just as silly as I am 🙃🙃🙃

But obviously I continued on and that's what I call mistake #1

So we're driving to the drive in. I'm realizing we're kind of different in ways. Most notable is that dude was raised Jehovah's Witnesses and celebrates 0 holidays & I'm in love with Halloween and at least birthdays.

We miss the drive in entrance due to my poor navi skills & he decides to smoke before we pull in. He offers it to me and I accept. This is mistake #2

Ya girl hasn't smoked in 6 years. I tried edibles recently. But that shit ain't the same. I really just feel like I said I wanted to be present and then I smoked and I was tired and everything was kind of dull?

So I'm high and sleepy but still a lil excited because it's my first drive in!! We get there and park and the drive in is really just a giant protection screen we all park in front of. Lmao. 😅 Idk what I was expectin but not that. But it was still cool. It's 10 and this movie still hasn't started because the last one is still showin credits.

Dude says he wants to chill in the back but he's going to the bathroom. I AM SLEEPY. THAT IS WHAT WEED DOES TO ME. Plus I was on the phone til 3 AM. So I'm like imma close my eyes before this thing starts since it's already late.

So while he goes to the bathroom I legit laid down in the back on a pillow because ya girl is a sleepy heaux 😴

He comes back and pits the pillow in his lap and is talking to me because this movie ain't started yet. My eyes are closed but I'm listening and everything and he's massaging my shoulders and whatnot. Eventually advertisements about common courtesy come on and what not. But that's not important and I don't move.

Soo he says something I'M ASSUMING IT WAS ABOUT THE KISS (I don't remember y'all. I'm about to skimp on some of these details because that high was really kickin in and I was feelin foggy.) But, I said "I would allow it." And he kissed me.

It honestly felt anticlimactic as fuck. Yeah my mind is kind of foggy because of the weed so I feel like I wasn't as fully cognizant as I would have been if I was sober minded. But also, it just happened

I'm in my head af. I've never done this and I'm sure I'm shit at it but I'm trying not to be ya know? Dude's tongue is in my mouth. His hand is under my romper.

So, I'm a roll with the punches kind of human and the rest of the film we pretty much are making out (lowkey meh), groping (I hate this word) & watching Deadpool ( for people who needed that detail)

As previously stated, all of this shit is new to me. But, I'm also not a "prude". I chose not to kiss/fuck anyone prior to this because it was what I wanted for a period of time. I couldn't do much in the date department because I was just not approached often or by people I wanted to entertain. But the opportunities for all that physical shit were presented and I chose not to just like I chose to engage in those activities on this date. I'm real big on not judging nor regretting those choices because those were what I wanted at one point and that's it. Soo if you got opinions about what I was out here doin, keep em to yaself.

We ended up making out and I feel like it was cool.. but just not great. We did other shit minus actual fucking. But it all just felt pretty muted to me. Not bad. Not uncomfortable. Just not great and I think in hindsight it was because I a) really didn't know and have an established connection with this dude and b) I was high.

He really wanted me to suck his dick and I was really hesitant to do that. Not even that much because I was checking off a lot of "firsts' or anything like that but because I swore I was gonna be shit at it due to 0 experience and that was what I told him. Like, I wanna be good at shit and also I would like if the person I was hooking up with was actually enjoying being with me ya know? Is that not a thing? Y'all just be out here tryna get ya nut and say fuck it to whomever you with? Lemme be a unicorn then. 🦄

But anyways, I did this and he says like nothing. I'm in my head af trying to recall upon all of my BP smut I've read and trying not to suck at sucking (SO THANKS TO ALL OF Y'ALL WHO BE WRITING SMUT!!). After a few minutes the car turns off and Ryan Reynold's ain't talking anymore. Sooo I take this as a sign that I should stop and tell him as much.

He turns the car back on so we can still hear the movie & I'm pretty much like half watching the movie and talking to him like: "Soooo. I did that and I feel like I was right." To which he responds, "I've had worse," which is like ya know the compliment of the century and the most reassuring feedback you can give someone who is insecure about shit they've never done.

We still ended up making out and I gave him a handjob and finished the movie. I can't recall if it was at this point or when he drove me home but he basically implied that I was a liar and that is the shit that literally makes me wanna go back in time and tell former me to never say yes to a date with this nigga.

He drove me home and I was pretty quiet listening to Ari Lennox (💕) and thinking/processing. He gets to my place and we're talking now that we're parked and tells me that he thought I probably wasn't right about never having sex before. He told me I probably just had sex like 3 years ago and it had been so long that's why I said that and that's why my pussy is so tight.

So, I'm real life hurt. I like to consider myself to be someone who has a good character and I am really big on honesty.

So I asked him why he said that if I told him from jump what it was. He told me that his ex lied a lot and that he just couldn't believe me..

And I know for certain that his assumption was independent of any of my actions. He literally just told me so. He projected his insecurities onto me. But I'm a sensitive ass heaux and that shit still shook me. PBS raised me right. I don't be out here lyin & I don't like when people try to tell me who tf I am.

We pretty much just ended up arguing about the night and he was doing it on purpose because he thinks it's sexy when women are mad. But when I get mad, I get done. If I let enough shit slide and you have the audacity to try and flip my script, I will fucking write you out of it.

Then I looked up at the time and realized I was sitting in this car arguing with nigga for at least 25 minutes. So I was just like: bitch, why are you still here?

I told him straight up that when I got out of that car he could forget about talking to me altogether and he was like: "I'll let you know when I make it home."

I told him he need not bother because apparently I'd finally gained some damn sense. I exited the car. He left. He hit me up when he made it home but I just deleted the app and removed him off of snap because I meant that shit.

TLDR; Went on my first date with a conspiracy theorist I matched with on Bumble and he told me I lied about my lack of sexual history.

[thesportssoundoff]

“Boom or bust potential off the charts” UFC on ESPN 4 Preview

Joey

July 15th, 2019

Another event on ESPN, another makeshift card! These ESPN cards seem to have a bit of a theme or rhythm to them now; give folks a name main event, give them a main card featuring fighters they've had in fights they may/may not care about and then just fill in the rest of the prelim slate. That's no different here with the UFC's return to San Antonio where there's a "name" (sorta) main event, a main card filled with names like Ben Rothwell, Andrei Arlovski, Greg Hardy, James Vick, Daniel Hooker, Alexander Hernandez and Walt Harris and the prelims are just kinda there with intriguing fights featuring people you've probably never heard of. The headliner for this ESPN gimmick is Rafael Dos Anjos vs Leon Edwards; a solid welterweight fight on paper well worthy of the main event spot even if the "winner" is somewhat inconsequential to the title picture. It's as close as we're going to get in theory to an all doughy guy bonanza so settle in, pour yourself a drink and get after it!

Fights: 13

Debuts: Gabriel Silva, Domingo Pilarte

Fight Changes/Injury Cancellations: 1 (Liz Carmouche OUT, Jennifer Maia IN vs Roxanne Modafferi)

Headliners (fighters who have either main evented or co-main evented shows in the UFC): 13 (Rafael Dos Anjos, Leon Edwards, Greg Hardy, Aleksei Oleinik, James Vick, Dan Hooker, Andrei Arlovski, Ben Rothwell, Alex Caceres, Raquel Pennington, Sam Alvey, Roxanne Modafferi, Ray Borg)

Fighters On Losing Streaks in the UFC: 6 (Andrei Arlovski, Ben Rothwell, James Vick, Rocky Pennington, Ray Borg, Sam Alvey)

Fighters On Winning Streaks in the UFC: 3 (Leon Edwards, Walt Harris, Irene Aldana)

Main Card Record Since Jan 1st 2017 (in the UFC): 33-20 (2)

Leon Edwards- 5-0 Rafael Dos Anjos- 4-2 Walt Harris- 4-2-1 Aleksei Olenik- 4-2 James Vick- 4-2 Dan Hooker- 4-1 Greg Hardy- 1-1 Juan Adams- 1-1 Alexander Hernandez- 2-1 Francisco Trinaldo- 2-2 Andrei Arlovski- 2-5-1 Ben Rothwell- 0-1

Fights By Weight Class (yearly number here):

Bantamweight- 3 (39) Heavyweight- 3 (21) Lightweight- 2 (44) Welterweight- 1 (39) Light Heavyweight- 1 (29) Featherweight-  1 (34) Women’s Bantamweight- 1 (13) Women’s Flyweight- 1 (19)

Middleweight- (23) Women’s Strawweight- (19) Flyweight- (8) Women’s Featherweight- (6)

2019 Number Tracker

Debuting Fighters (20-41)- Domingo Pilarte, Gabriel Silva

Short Notice Fighters (19-27)- Jennifer Maia

Second Fight (38-16)- Mario Bautista, Jin Soo Son, Klidson Abreu, Felipe Corrales

Cage Corrosion (Fighters who have not fought within a year of the date of the fight) (14-27)-

Undefeated Fighters (25-28)-  Gabriel Silva

Fighters with at least four fights in the UFC with 0 wins over competition still in the organization (9-8)-

Weight Class Jumpers (Fighters competing outside of the weight class of their last fight even if they’re returning BACK to their “normal weight class”) (19-17)- Felipe Corrales

Twelve Precarious Ponderings

1- A lot of folks took offense to Dana White not rushing to grant a #1 contender in the WW division but let's play this out real quick:

Jorge Masvidal has two back to back highlight reel KOs

Tyron Woodley is still around and has a justifiable claim to being the #1 contender

If Colby Covington beats Robbie Lawler, he'll have wins over RDA, Lawler, Bryan Barberena, Demian Maia and Stun Gun Kim in the past three years

If Robbie Lawler beats Colby Covington, he's the super popular former champ who beat Donald Cerrone and then Colby Covington

If Anthony Pettis beats Nate Diaz then he's got wins over two of the more recognizable faces in the UFC on back to back fights

Nate Diaz may have been a simple “Yes” away from a title fight in December of 2017 so let’s see what happens if he beats Pettis

Guys like Elizeu Zaleski, Vicente Luque and Santiago Ponzinibbio are racking up finishes and wins at a crazy rate

Then you throw in these two guys and you can see why a clogged picture with an inactive champion is not ideal at all. Leon Edwards took a big step up from beating the so-so guys on the European scene to racking up wins over the likes of Bryan Barberena, Donald Cerrone and Gunnar Nelson. He's a tremendous welterweight who has a not so thrilling style at a time where the UFC kind of sort of has a very hit or miss level of interest. It would be tough to deny a guy on this kind of winning streak (finishes or otherwise) that he isn't a top contender. With a win by RDA, It's totally fair to point out that RDA will have snapped Leon Edwards' winning streak after stopping Kevin Lee with wins over Robbie Lawler and Neil Magny backing that up. RDA was dominated by Kamaru Usman so he's probably not in the title picture with a win but his value only goes up if he develops into that title shot gatekeeper/contender. The UFC's welterweight division is very cluttered and Usman being out has only made it even more cluttered.

2- Does the makeshift-y nature of this fight allow put RDA in the driver's seat? Rafael Dos Anjos has been frequently tasked to become a short notice main eventer a la Donald Cerrone as evidenced as recently as 2017 where he fought in June, September and then December. Guy keeps himself busy and if you remove the 15 lb weight cut, he's more inclined to take quicker turnaround fights. Leon Edwards tends to be the kind of guy who fights on a bit more of a laid back fighter sched; often popping up whenever the UFC needs a fight in Europe. It's also worth remembering that RDA is pretty much used to these grueling violent in tight fights (which Edwards is going to chase) and seems to always be surprisingly well conditioned despite the pacing. Edwards will probably be the hardest hitting WW that RDA has faced since Robbie Lawler but even Lawler was compromised by a torn ACL but he's also a space and pace guy who either needs to be far away or in REAL tight to operate. This fight is as close as the numbers would suggest it to be.

3- He had zero problems dealing with Donald Cerrone in Singapore so it's probably not a big deal BUT it is worth pointing out just for sniggles that Edwards' two UFC losses have come outside of Europe. Consider this one a Pondering padder if anything.

4- It wasn't his first loss ever BUT Alexander Hernandez is coming off of his first stoppage loss at the hands of Donald Cerrone. The UFC apparently had designs on him coming back sooner but he took a bit more time off. Trinaldo is not much of a one shot finisher but he's really strong, is abnormally good despite his age and if he senses a fighter wilting, he tends to pour on the pressure. Trinaldo's sort of settled into the bottom half of the top 15 in my estimation while Hernandez has top 10 upside on paper but has sort of looked overwhelmed at times vs Donald Cerrone and Olivier Aubin-Mercier. I'm not sure if he'll ever really reach that upside although I'm betting on upside still. Hernandez vs Francisco Trinaldo is an interesting fight between two guys who could really use a high profile win.

5- The UFC signed Walt Harris in 2013. He's officially in a co-main event in 2019. He was cut once, suspended for PEDs once, a no contest, a DQ loss, had two not fights vs Mark Godbeer, fought Werdum at 3 hours notice and now has finally elevated himself up to co-main event status. Hard work (and being around when nobody else is around) has paid off!

6- Seriously though when you consider that Walt Harris and Olenik are in the co-main and Rothwell and Arlovski are still kickin' around at this point, is it any surprise the UFC is TRYING to make a somebody out of the Adams vs Hardy winner?

7- The winner of Aspen Ladd vs Germaine de Randamie was always going to have a slight step up over her but it's fair to point out that Irene Aldana has a relatively clear path to a title shot now.  Aldana is on a three fight winning streak (and I thought she beat Chookagian so it could in theory be four in a row) and Rocky Pennington if she's "right" is probably the best test of whether she's gotten over the stylistic woes that hurt her vs the likes of Evinger and Leslie Smith. Pennington has relatively good striking when she chooses to let it go, works the body well vs fighters who like to move, has a tremendous array of chokes she can go to at any time as evidenced by her subbing Ashlee Evans-Smith, Jessica Andrade and nearly breaking Meisha Tate's neck in the process of one. Aldana has struggled with fighters who can box her straight up and in and when she's needed to hit with some pop, it hasn't always been there in fights. This is really about whether Pennington's first two losses can be attributed to rust (and talent) vs whether Aldana has tightened up the really big holes in her game that prevented her from achieving success early in her UFC run. Pennington when right is a tremendous pressure action brawler while the "perfect" form of Aldana is something like a Max Holloway; an output machine who can rack up points offensively with scrambles and submissions to back up her potent striking game. IF both fighters are right (and Pennington thus far post leg break is a mystery), we could be looking at a fantastic fight.

8- Andrei Arlovski is about to embark on yet another career renaissance! Maybe. Or maybe not. Arlovski is 0-3-1 in his last four fights and he's really truly 0-4. He has shown signs of life though! He gave Tai Tuavasa some problems before he just got clinch elbowed mercilessly down the stretch and against Agusto Sakai, I think most people would say he deserved the nod. The "new" Arlovski is not as good as the guy in 2014 and 2015 who reinvented himself as he's slower, doesn't hit as hard, is perhaps way too patient for his own good and spends most rounds teasing his right hand because it's pretty much his key weapon at this point. I'm actually figuring he vs Rothwell will be a ton of fun for a round or so. At the same time, this fight pretty much exemplifies the "You know these guys now watch them fight!" aspect of matchmaking.

9- Totally forgot Rothwell vs Arlovski is a rematch.

10- Really curious to see what remains of Dan Hooker after that brutal as shit fight with Edson Barboza. He's got an opponent who can he style on offensively in James Vick but Vick offensiely provides all sorts of problems for Hooker defensively. I also feel like Hooker vs Vick is going to prove yet another story about intense MMA weight cuts one way or another.

11- Somebody in the UFC office decided to put Roxanne Modaferri and Sam Alvey back to back on a card ON ESPN and I hate them so much on a visceral level.

12- They're buried on the card but the trio of bantamweight fights are all pretty interesting. Domingo Pilarte vs Felipe Corrales is interesting because Pilarte had the best DWCS fight of all time (vs 1-2 UFC vet Vince Morales) and Felipe Corrales is fighting in the dangerous "it's their second UFC Fight so they're good now" weight class. Jin Soo Son had a BRAWL with Petr Yan in his debut and is a massive 135-lber while Mario Bautista showed glimpses of high level athleticism at least while getting ran through vs Cory Sandhagen. Lastly you have debuting undefeated fighter Gabriel Silva vs Ray Borg and man does Ray Borg need a win in the worst way. He also absolutely needs to make weight here too.

[simfur]

20 Autobot Leaders Rated by How Much I Want to Punch Them

Starting with the big guy, the granddaddy of them all, G1 Optimus Prime. He’s like a father to me. I can’t in good conscience punch him, even if he sometimes deserves it for bad puns. 1/10 punchability I just can’t do it 

Rodimus Prime ranks high in the punchability for some because when Optimus died in the original movie, it traumatized kids so much that all their negative feelings got channeled into unbridled rage towards the guy who replaced him. However, I hate those guys because they became insufferable as adults, so that really just lowers Roddy’s punchability for me personally. 4/10 punchability he still kind of deserves it though 

Grimlock led the Autobots for a length of time I can’t remember after Optimus died in the Marvel comics. His was a reign of terror. I can’t decide if his jughead crown is kickin or if i want to kick it off him. 7/10 punchability he gets some lenience for his childlike innocence

Another Marvel comics leader was Fortress Maximus, who was also Cerebros. He was also the leader in the Headmasters anime after Rodimus flew off into space forever but I don’t think he actually had a personality in that. He’s a matryoshka of Autobot leaders with each getting smaller and more punchable than the last, ending in Moody College Student Spike Witwicky, who is thankfully the first one on this list who I don’t have to climb something to punch in the face. 9/10 punchability I’m a very short person so I might have to climb something anyways but that isn’t going to stop me

Last Marvel comics character, I swear. Captain Picard Hi-Q binary bonded with Optimus for a while, then Optimus died (this was about the third time), and Hi-Q eventually turned into Optimus so we just considered Optimus alive again. Don’t think too hard about it. 3/10 punchability I really like Star Trek TNG so I probably wouldn’t punch him

Ginrai’s robot self looks exactly like Optimus Prime, but he isn’t. Why he looks like him is sort of hand-waved away in the anime. The real-life reason, of course, is because he was just the Japanese release of Powermaster Optimus Prime. Ginrai is really good because he talks like an American teenager even when his robot form separated from his human self to become the Autobot commander at the end of Super-God Masterforce. 0/10 punchability I just can’t really punch a guy wearing converse, skinny jeans, and suspenders

Star Saber makes me forget that the Autobots were ever good guys. I don’t think he even has a personality outside of “noble and heroic leader.” He adopted a human son and tried to send him to a Catholic school but he doesn’t even buy him a uniform. The kid barely even goes to school in the end. 9/10 punchability don’t adopt a human if you’re not prepared to care for him

Optimus Primal is a good Autobot leader because he never even set out to be anything more than a captain on one ship but ended up sacrificing himself to bring life back to the planet, probably sparking a religious following. He won the “Power of the Primes” vote so he’s got to have a pretty low punchability, but he also looks like his malleble gorilla face would feel nice on my powerful fist. 5/10 punchability when POTP stuff starts coming will his name change to “optimus primal prime”?

Lio Convoy being a cat makes me not want to punch him so much. However, he isn’t a good father. Don’t worry about the kid not really being his son in any sense of the term. Why is ineptitude at fatherhood a recurring theme for Autobot leaders? 8/10 punchability Lio Junior deserved better

I’ll admit that Beast Wars Neo is the only thing on this list that I haven’t seen or read any of, so Big Convoy is mostly here for completion’s sake. Hence I’m rating him entirely on his appearance. Mostly I wouldn’t want to punch a mammoth, because they’re extinct, but I think he could take it. It would be a good workout for both of us. 10/10 punchability no hard feelings, we’re just two dudes lovingly punching each other

In Japan, he’s known as Fire Convoy, continuing their tradition of Autobot leader names, but in the west he’s the first-ever reboot of Optimus Prime. I don’t have a lot of opinions on him as a person or leader, but his existence opened the floodgates of Optimus Primes to come, which I have mixed feelings on. 5/10 punchability I can’t think of a reason to punch him, but I also can’t think of a reason not to

Armada Optimus Prime suffers from being Armada Optimus Prime. I think this was when they really managed to distill “Optimus Prime” down into its truest form. No longer was Optimus Prime a character, but a concept that extended beyond fiction and into our world. Optimus Prime means something. Optimus Prime is a figure for justice, honor, and liberty. 8/10 punchability I still can’t forget Energon though

Do I have to say anything. I’m not even somebody who vehemently dislikes Hot Shot, but for the love of god, why did he ever get to be a leader. 6/10 punchability I’d punch him but I wouldn’t put a lot of force into it, he’s not even worth it

Movie Optimus Prime is. uh. something else, all right. I can admire the movie taking the idea of Optimus Prime and going “okay, but what if he was also a murderbeast?” because I think that’s something we all really wanted to see play out. In practice it kind of scares me. 2/10 punchability I’m worried if I went for his face I’d no longer have mine

Animated Optimus Prime is a good boy. A baby boy. He’s trying his best in a world that seems against him. We all love him. 0/10 punchability I simply can’t bring myself to mar those luscious lips

I’m sure Animated Ultra Magnus did some great things during the war, but, yunno, seeing how Cybertron under him during peacetime is sort of a Stratocracy, I question his fitness to be the leader of a planet. They really gonna let the government run experiments on civilians? Okay. Alright. 4/10 I don’t want to punch him per se but I do sort of want to lead an armed rebellion against him

Hhh. HHHH. HOOGH. HHHAAAHH. HEH. HHhhhHHH. Just seeing Sentinel Prime’s face fills me with anger. If let loose, this rage could level mountains, sink continents, and incinerate entire solar systems. If there is any good in the cosmos, Sentinel Prime will not go unpunched. His face will be shattered into pieces with the sheer power of my unbridled fury. 10,000/10 punchability I have already punched him, spiritually, and I will do it again

I mean, alright. Prime Optimus Prime is kind of the distilled essence of Optimus Prime. If you took all the other Optimus Primes, and took all the things they had in common, and then took out a little bit of the anger because let’s be real here all the other Optimus Primes are quite a bit angrier than this one, you’d get Aligned Optimus Prime. Which is kind of how the Aligned continuity as a whole works. So, yeah, That Sure Is Optimus Prime. 3/10 punchability his soft-spoken words of wisdom would calm me down before I ever even raised my fist

Heatwave is the quintessential non-Optimus Autobot leader. He’s noble and courageous with a good sense of justice, but he was thrust into leadership without being the best and it and is a bit of a hothead. You can use that exact sentence to describe so many of the bots on this list. 4/10 punchability I don’t want to use violent methods when it comes to Rescue Bots but sometimes Heatwave’s personality warrants it 

I honestly can’t believe it took 30 years for a Bumblebee to be leader for reals. It happened so gradually that nobody was surprised when it happened, and yet it also feels like nobody can really accept it. I know I can’t. He doesn’t even look like any Bumblebee. Is this how longtime G1 fans felt when the Unicron trilogy started reusing names for different-but-not-wholly-different characters to keep the trademarks? 8/10 punchability we know you stole your schtick from Hot Rod via Hot Shot so stop trying to act like you’re so special 

[leagueofawesomedudes]

LOAD 2019

Week 1 Preview

Important: Pick your official team name by 1:00 pm EST this Sunday 9/8/2019.  There are no team name changes after this date this year or you will be charged a $5.00 fine that goes to the winner for the 2019 season.  Jon, new guy, this is the rule.  For everyone else it’s just serving as a reminder…

Alright slap dicks it’s finally that time of the year again to get back to business.  It’s about time that the summer is over and we can finally direct our focus towards the thing that matters most in life and not things like pets’ birthdays, engagements, career advancements, Fortnite championships etc…

Not gonna sit here and bore you with a bunch of talk today since you get that from me in the GroupMe on a daily basis so we’re just gonna jump right into the previews.  I do however want to say I’m glad we’re back and thank you boys for another year of the LOAD.

LETS ABSOLUTELY GO!

Kickers & Defense (Solden) vs Jared Donovan’s Team (Jared, duh)

We’re kickin’ it off with two dudes who are bigger than every girls’ boyfriend.  Bigger egos or bigger shoulders?  I have to hug the wall when I pass them up in the hallway at the office.  Just when you think it’s a sure thing that Jare will take either a Heisman winner or a Brown with his first pick he changes it up and goes with David Johnson. Thanks for always keeping me guessing bb.  Kinsbury’s pretty boy offense is pretty pass heavy so we’ll see if this works out, or if D Johnson is on the trading block week 2.  On the opposite side of the ball Solden’s two top dawgs aside from me include Russ Wilson and Davantea Adams.  These guys should be production machines all year and should carry Solden’s team until he ruins the rest of his roster by himself.  History repeats itself, it’s more inevitable than Thanos. I’m taking Jared this week with big games out of Allen Robinson in 2012 form and DeShaun Watson.

Jared Donovan’s Team > Kickers & Defense

JuJu Kachoo (Pauly) vs The Injured Reserve (Casey)

Paul, what is Kachoo? A Nintendo character?  Idk about that but all I do know is Paul is coming off of a hot streak winning his first fantasy championship and he’s looking to defend the crown in 2091.  I mean 2019. Paul doesn’t know the difference because he’s disleksick and doesn’t know how to spell anywaze.  And Case, good to have you back again brotha.  Your party at your house this summer was an absolute blast and I can’t wait to do it again!  Both of these guys have studs at the WR positions (hmu for trades please) and should be putting up some big numbers this week.  If JuJu can be a legit #1 Paul should look to have himself a good start to the season.  Paul has Julio, JuJu & Crowder while case has OBJ, Robert Woods and Mike Williams. Odell puts up enough numbers this week to makeup for Williams and we will drown ourselves in Jameson Crowder because of it.  Case does have the edge this week due to his superior RBS (Paul seriously let’s trade). Mixon and Freeman help Case change it up and pull out for him this weekend.

The Injured Reserve > JuJu Kachoo

G-reg 3rd leg (Bennett) vs Under the Influwentz (Doug)

Bennett may be the only person I know who can draft Kamara and still have a trash roster.  AB suspended.  You better hope he gets cut and goes to a new team. And Melvin Gordon won’t be playing?  Someone better stop being stubborn and start attempting to make moves mid season.  Looks like your luck has finally run out brotha. On the other side finally, Doug changes the fantasy team name up and it’s a damn good one.  I like it Douglas Fir.  Don’t have to think to hard to do Bennett’s previews this year because he’s finishing 12th.

Bennett don’t come after me when you read this it’s just fantasy dude.

Under the Influwentz > G-Reg 3rd leg

My Quads Are Danger6 (Jon) vs Butker in the Cooper (Dom)

The newcomer to the league and the family Jon vs the always dangerous Dommy Salami.  Two great fantasy names between these two.  I didn’t even realize Jon had Barkley until this moment when I’m looking at his roster.  I had just figured he was talking about his own legs.  Dom with another clever name that he spent a workweek trying to figure out but did achieve his goal by making everyone laugh at it.  Jon coming in guns hot from the get go and having arguably the strongest draft of any team. Saquan obviously puts up monster numbers but he’s stacked at almost every position.  Especially with 6 under center for him.  No surprise here, Dom drafted well once again.  However his team is going to be heavily reliant on if Amari Cooper and Chris Godwin can establish themselves as consistent fantasy contributers.  Wait what? Oh had to look at his flex at the bottom and see that he has Nuke Hopkins there.  That threw me off.  I’d appreciate an explanation for putting him there, but it does look cool.  As long as the roster is healthy it does appear Jon has the best starting roster in the league and will help Dom move to 0 – 1 and to LA afterwards.

My Quads Are Danger6 > Butker in the Cooper

Tony Time (TJ) vs Rooney Tunes (Shawn)

Shaved head Tony is back which means he’s back as a serious contender in fantasy.  And yes there is a direct correlation between the two.  On the other side there’s Shawn…who has to be eager for a bounce back year after a weak showing in 2018.  As long as he doesn’t lose his keys again I expect Shawn to double down on the effort and try to make a push this year.  Even if that means ignoring his future wife on their honeymoon.  Best matchup on the board has to be their defenses in Seattle v Baltimore so you know Paul will be glued to his screen for this one.  Michael Thomas, Tyreek and Josh Jacobs look to put up massive numbers for Tone, even more massive than Tone’s Fortnite kill count while Shawn starts WRs that are borderline nursing home material with Fitzgerald, Edelman & Jeffery.  The RBs will be the deciding factor in this one while James Conner, Tarik Cohen & Phillip Lindsey will allow Shawn to dictate when Tony Time actually begins with Jacobs, Carson & Sanders going for him.  It’s alright Teej you will still bounce back.  Please don’t announce that you’re giving up after week 1 for the second year in a row.  This league needs your personality.

Rooney Tunes > Tony Time

****** Game of the Mother Fuckin’ Week ******

Mahomies Chubbie (Chad) vs Chrsitian McCuri’s

Yup yup HERE WE GO.  Week 1 of the season and we have two heavyweights going at it from the get go like Stipe vs Cormier.  The undisputed, best overall manager, the smartest, and biggest football guys’ guy since the origination of the League Of Awesome Dudes will take on his opponent, Sam.  Sam however once again drafted well and I wouldn’t expect anything less from the co-commish who listens to fantasy podcasts in his sleep with his apple watch and ear pods.  That pretentious freakin’ fuck.  He’s looking to be rumblin’ stumblin’ on the weekends bumblin’ and hopefully not fumblin’ his way back to the championship in ’19.  CMC going to be putting up monster numbers on a weekly basis. Anything otherwise and I’d be shocked about that gym rat, first guy in last guy out, scrappy, football smart, hardworking coach’s son.  Mike Evans still a premier WR in the league, and I honestly won’t even be pissed if Jarvis puts up a 50 burger because that means the boys in orange and brown are gettin’ a dub.  On the other hand, my roster?  No wideouts? No problem.  Bell, Chubb and Mahomes carry the bulk for yours truly and are going to pile it on.  This should be a shootout however I think Sam takes the week 1 matchup.  See ya again in week 12 when our rosters look 80% different and playoff seeding is on the line.

Christian McCuri’s > Mahomies Chubbie

That’s it for this week. Paul, you’ve got the preview for Week 2.

Go Browns.

Long live the LOAD.

Signing Off,

LOAD El Presidente

[thesportssoundoff]

“A Brief Return Back To FS1 On ESPN+” UFC Nashville Fight Preview

(So head up off the jump, I'm traveling to a convention deal gimmick on Friday and rolling back in on Saturday afternoon-ish so chances are I might miss this card even with the app. Either way I'm sure dudes around here will be able to provide the same consistent top flight analysis they always do without me agitating them)

Joey

March 22nd

I feel like we've officially reached our throwback portion of the program.  The first few UFC on ESPN+ events have been either really good (Brazil, the most recent one from the UK) or quick and violent enough (Wichita and Prague) to where everything still feels fresh and fun. I don't know if I'd call it a Honeymoon period or just a better understanding of how to broadcast MMA but either way, there hasn't really been a BAD UFC card. This one might be the first throwback to the days of yore. I'm talking about something that feels worse than bad; an inconsequential card where nothing matters and nobody goes anywhere. The show is headlined by a meaningless striker vs striker fight that some folks on the interwebs drummed up as a pseudo dream fight with Showtime Pettis vs Stephen Thompson getting top billing. The co-main event is a genuinely intriguing battle between HWs with Curtis Blaydes taking on Justin Willis and while a great third bout with Nasrat Haqparast vs John Makdessi was scheduled, it got scrapped due to injuries. Now Makdessi vs Peru's Jesus Pinedo is your third fight with Deveison Figueredo vs Jussier Formiga as the fourth support. The rest is a bunch of a blegh but we'll find some good stuff.

Fights: 12

Debuts: Ryan Macdonald, Jordan Espinosa

Fight Changes/Injury Cancellations: 3 (John Makdessi vs Nasrat Haqparast CANCELLED/Jesus Pinedo vs Chris Gruetzmacher CANCELLED/Martin Day OUT, Ryan Macdonald IN vs Chris Gutierrez)

Headliners (fighters who have either main evented or co-main evented shows in the UFC): 4 (Anthony Pettis, Stephen Thompson, Curtis Blaydes, Randa Markos)

Fighters On Losing Streaks in the UFC:

Fighters On Winning Streaks in the UFC: 7 (Deveison Figueredo, Jussier Formiga, Justin Willis, JJ Aldrich, Marlon Vera, John Makdessi, Frankie Saenz)

Main Card Record Since Jan 1st 2017 (in the UFC): 30-8

Anthony Pettis- 2-2 Stephen Thompson- 1-2 Curtis Blaydes- 4-1 Justin Willis- 4-0 Jussier Formiga- 3-1 Deveison Figueredo- 4-0 Jesus Pinedo- 1-0 John Makdessi- 2-0 Luis Pena- 1-1 Steven Peterson- 1-1 Maycee Barber- 1-0 JJ Aldrich- 3-0

Fights By Weight Class (yearly number here):

Women’s Flyweight- 2 (10) Flyweight- 2 (6) Bantamweight- 2 (15) Featherweight- 2 (13) Lightweight-  1 (16) Welterweight- 1 (19) Heavyweight- 1 (8) Women’s Strawweight- 1 (7)

Middleweight-  (7) Light Heavyweight- (10) Women’s Bantamweight- (2)

2019’s Records We Keepin Track Of:

Debuting Fighters (7-14): Ryan Macdonald, Jordan Espinosa

Short Notice Fighters (6-6): Ryan Macdonald

Second Fight (18-5): Chris Gutierrez, Bobby Moffett, Bryce Mitchell, Maycee Barber

Cage Corrosion (Fighters who have not fought within a year of the date of the fight) (7-11):

Undefeated Fighters (8-9): Maycee Barber, Deveison Figueredo, Ryan MacDonald, Bryce Mitchell

Fighters with at least four fights in the UFC with 0 wins over competition still in the organization (5-5):

Weight Class Jumpers (Fighters competing outside of the weight class of their last fight even if they’re returning BACK to their “normal weight class”) (7-5): Maycee Barber, Luis Pena, Anthony Pettis, JJ Aldrich

Twelve Precarious Ponderings

1- Who thought this main event was a good idea and why? This has good idea on paper but bad idea in reality draped all over it which makes it hard to stomach as a big fight. It sort of feels like that Urijah Faber vs Frankie Edgar fight except we knew that Faber was successful at 145 lbs so even if it was farcical, we had something to hang our hats on for some intrigue. Wonderboy vs Anthony Pettis doesn't even have THAT going for it since Pettis has never been a successful competitor at 170 lbs IF he's even taken a fight at 170 lbs. If this was some test run 165 lb catchweight bout I'd be intrigued by it but this just feels like a dumb idea on paper that's going to be borderline egregious upon execution.

2- The genesis of this fight is apparently based upon Duke Roufus claiming to have some kind of a strategy to help Anthony beat Wonderboy. What pray tell is that strategy.

3- I wonder if Thompson would've taken this fight if he could've predicted that Till would lose to Masvidal and Usman would beat Woodley. The path to a title shot is so much easier to sneak in now with both out of the picture but Thompson is fighting a monumentally inconsequential fight at the top of the bill of this show. Now granted according to Wonderboy this was SUPPOSED to be Ponzinibbio but Ponz didn't take the fight. Either way, this fight does little to advance his title shot agenda.

4- Does the UFC have a rooting favorite in Blaydes vs Willis? Is this the one genuinely good HW fight nobody cares about?

5- If there was a genuine reason to tune into this show besides "It's UFC!" and "Wonderboy vs Showtime might be weirdly cool!", it's a quartet of superb prospects all on this card worthy of your time. We can begin with Deiveson Figueiredo who has emerged as probably the top up and coming 125er in a dying division. It was rumored that the UFC offered a move up to 135 lbs for Figueiredo who opted instead to keep on kickin' at what remains at flyweight. Joe Benavidez is believed to be the #1 contender (if such a claim can even exist) but the FRESHEST fight for Henry Cejudo is Figueiredo. After that you have Luis "The Violent Bob Ross" Pena who is making the move down to featherweight for some reason after coming short vs Mike Trizano in his last fight. Pena is a really talented fighter who lacks the sort of middle ground in his fight game to deal with strong fighters who can go point A to point B in a gameplan and so the UFC recognized this and gave him a much smaller brawler type in Steven Peterson. That's a fine example of knowing a prospect. Maycee Barber is really young, ultra talented and one of the few bonafide fight finishers at flyweight so expect her to move quick. Lastly, the division may be going away but Jordan Espinosa is a really intriguing fluky record kind of guy (12-5) who has some Jon Dodson in his game. He kicks off the show vs similarly marked prospect Eric Shelton.

6- Is Angela Hill still a thing or has she settled in as a "fun" middle of the pack 115 lber now?

7- Bobby Moffett vs Bryce Mitchell is a weird fight to get a grasp on since both guys have somewhat controversial wins and neither are standout athletes. I can see this being a very fun squirrely fight. It's also worth remembering Bryce Mitchell tore a hole in his ballbag with a power tool and is somehow still competing so god speed to my dude.

8- Is Jussier Formiga the most credentialed "little" fighter (let's say 145 and below) to never get a title shot?

9- CHITO VERA! Marlon Vera returns after smelting Guido Cannetti in his backyard of Argentina to take on Frankie Saenz here in Tennessee. Really like this fight for both guys as Chito has gotten back into a groove after losses to John Lineker (in a fight he did far better than expected) and Douglas Andrade with wins over other dudes at the back end of 135 lbs. Marlon falls into that comfortable resting area between "just a solid action fighter" and "sneaky good" guy and a win over Frankie Saenz could go a long way towards creeping further and further up the latter category.

10- Peru's Jesus Pinedo gets a really tough late notice call up in John Makdessi but there are some avenues he can win this fight. Like most fighters from places like Mexico, Peru, Argentina and so on, they fight with a reckless abandon that comes from raw athletic traits with a lack of high level fight experience. We've seen Makdessi struggle against guys who fight similarly to that and while Makdessi is in the midst of a career renaissance of sorts, he's still a guy who at times needs space and pace to really get going. If it turns ugly and Pinedo can avoid being flattened, he might have a shot.

11- Will anyone from the Chris Guiterrez and Ryan MacDonald fight be in the UFC a year from now?

12- Alexis Davis vs Jennifer Maia has potential to be an all time clunker.