#and lay out plainly all the traits i have that i’ve noticed are very… distinct

[buck-yyyy]

man

[imagine-loki]

Fear and Other Related Emotions

TITLE: Fear and Other Related Emotions

CHAPTER NO./ONE SHOT: Chapter-16

AUTHOR: latent-thoughts ORIGINAL IMAGINE: Imagine meeting Loki to interrogate him while he is incarcerated in the Helicarrier glass enclosure. He initially tries to scare you away but then becomes interested in you as you keep talking to him. RATING: NC-17/ MA NOTES/WARNINGS: Warning for explicit sexual situations and violence (combat/fighting/interrogations).

A/N: Updating after a long time. Apologies. Lots of plot, backstory and some itsy bitsy feels…

________________________________________

“So… I’ve wanted to ask you this for the longest time,” Reva said, tracing the engraved designs on his armour with her index finger. “What all is depicted on your armour?”

They were finally back in New York after their whirlwind trip across the globe. Reva was checking her emails as Loki sat beside her on the couch, very distracting in his shirtlessness. He was busy cleaning his armour and daggers with his magic.

To her, they didn’t even look dirty, just a bit aged. Like antiques. They were perhaps older than her family tree’s oldest known branch… Loki himself was.

That thought was a bit unsettling, so she let it slide and paid attention to him as he began speaking.

“This is Fenris, the wolf,” he said, pointing to the shoulder pad. Then, he lifted the diagonal shoulder belt and brought her attention to it. “And this here is Jormugandr, the winged serpent.”

Reva gaped at him. “Are these your children? Those myths about you are true?”

He sighed, laying his head against the couch’s back. “In a way, yes, they are my children.”

She may have squeaked as he answered, but she didn’t care. Loki’s monster children were real, and that was enough to send her mind into a frenzy. He chuckled and arched an eyebrow as he pointedly stared at her.

“Just answer a bit more plainly,” she grumbled, feeling extremely uneasy, but wanting to know the truth nonetheless. “Nuance is kinda lost on me right now.”

He smiled wide, clearly amused by her concern. “One of my so-called wives was actually one of my mentors. Lady of Iárnvidia, the mistress of fire sorcery. She is more notoriously known as Angrboda here, for she has a temper that rivals Surtur’s fire itself.”

She put her laptop aside and brought her knees to her chest as she stared at Loki in shock. “Angrboda, Surtur… I was hoping that these weren’t real people, but I guess they are. That’s kind of scary. And she was your teacher?”

He nodded. “She was indeed, and she’s intimidating and stern. Especially when you’re a new pupil… more particularly if you’re disposed to causing mischief.”

“The legends say you had three children with her. You took the name of two of them and called them your children. Care to clear that up?”

Loki gave her an indulgent smile. “Oh, the spin that everyone has put on that. I suppose everyone is pleased to see disgraced royalty. Those children indeed are Fenris, Jormugandr and Hel. I was given a quest by Lady of Iárnvidia, to create two most interesting creatures through a combination of my magic and what she had taught me. I took some of the traits of animals found on Asgard and combined them with the traits of animals of Iárnvidia. Fenris and Jormugandr were the result of that. I may have been a bit too enthused about making them much bigger than any of those original animals.”

“So you created them, but in a way that a genetic engineer creates a hybrid animal?”

Loki considered her analogy for a second, and then nodded in agreement. “That is quite accurate, actually.”

“And this Iárnvidia, is that a separate planet? A realm, as you call it?”

“It’s part of Muspelheim, the realm of Fire Giants. Surtur lords over most of it, except for Iárnvidia. That is the territory of the Lady of Iárnvidia and her tribe of trolls. It’s the coolest part of the realm, and is actually somewhat bearable to live in. Still, I was nearly always covered in sweat during my stay there.”

She tried not to giggle when he said ‘coolest’ and kept a straight face. “So… your teacher is a troll?”

Loki smirked at her. “Not the internet variety, but yes.”

Reva knew not to be surprised that he knew who internet trolls were. After all, he had come to her asking for a date.

“There is so much I don’t know about you,” she observed aloud, looking at the various kinds of daggers he had laid out on the coffee table. “What about that horse thing?”

Loki rolled his eyes. “Another animal I created. I had designed it as a steed for Odin. It was my gift to him, to show him my talents… to show him how capable I was. Though, that happened in Asgard, after I had been brought back from Iárnvidia.”

Something about the way he said it made her take notice. He seemed… upset about it for some reason.

“You wanted to stay in Iárnvidia only?” she asked tentatively, watching his face closely to see how he reacted.

He grimaced and looked away, halting the magic aided cleaning of his vambraces. “Not really, but Odin didn’t let me stay the duration of my apprenticeship. He sent a whole convoy of Einherjar to have me escorted back to Asgard.”

“But why?”

“Though he never explained any of his actions to me, he did so to my mother. He didn’t trust me, and at that time, I didn’t understand why. I eavesdropped on that conversation… till I got caught by both.” He looked back at Reva and gave her a rueful smile. “It’s hard to eavesdrop on two seidr wielders.”

Behind that smile hid a pain that emanated from his unhealed wounds of psychological trauma. She sympathized with him, and even if she couldn’t empathize. And she wanted to help, but knew it was tricky.

She shifted closer, adjusting herself behind him so that she sat with her legs on either side of his torso, cradling his very nice behind between them. “So tell me about the rest of your so-called brood.”

He grumbled under his breath, something about her ‘damned curiosity’. She didn’t give up, though.

“Please…” She wrapped her arms around his midriff and planted kisses on his neck and shoulder.

He groaned and sighed, and she smelt triumph.

“Hel is the only one left.”

“Tell me how you created her.” She curled her legs over his thighs, fully wrapping herself around him. It felt extremely comfortable.

“I didn’t. She was… released back into our dimension of Yggdrasil. I broke her captivity between dimensions, though, not by intent. I didn’t even know the full details of it until recently, when I met her after my death.”

Reva stopped her cuddly behaviour immediately. “Wait. You actually died?”

“Yes.” There was a distinct edginess in his voice, and it gave Reva a feeling close to dread. Her mind worked in overdrive.

“And knowing her domain from mythology… did she send you back?”

He nodded.

“Why?”

“Because she was grateful to me for releasing her and giving her a new form through my magic. She has taken my name for her father, even though she’s much more ancient than me.”

It was obvious, with the bitterness with which he was relaying all this to her, that he didn’t hold much love for Hel.

“How did you even release her?”

“An experiment with magic and an ancient tome hidden beneath the weapons vault of Asgard. My curiosity led me to do quite a lot of unwise things. I remember recreating the runes and tracing them with my fingers… fingers which were crackling with my seidr. I can’t recall anything else, except blacking out soon after. I was found in a meadow in the far reaches of Asgard. Mother told me that I had been missing for a whole week.”

Well shit…

She could feel the tension rolling off him, and to ease his distress, she began combing her fingers through his hair. He sighed and leaned into her touch, reminding her of a cat accepting affection.

“She has my features and my dark hair, like a true daughter would. It’s nigh unsettling.”

“Hmm, please tell me you won’t be seeing her again any time soon?”

He hesitated before responding. “I’m trying not to.”

“Good, now tell about this Sigyn business,” she said, wanting to change the topic to stop his mood from heading south. “Because I sure as hell am not sharing you with anyone.”

“You’ve been reading about me quite a lot, haven’t you?”

“I’ve read your myths before, but not in such detail. You gotta be thorough in your background checks when you have a mischievous god for a lover.”

“I’m afraid more than half of the tales are just that, tales. And Sigyn is more of a title, not a name or a real person. It is a title bestowed to my would-be wife, for she shall bring me victory. Just a passing prophesy by a Vǫlva. Doesn’t hold much weight for me.”

“Didn’t that push you to try to marry as soon as possible?” she asked, genuinely interested, though feeling a weird pang of jealousy at the mention of a future wife.

“I tried to court a few ladies from Asgard’s nobility. No one showed much interest in me, considering the widespread rumour that I had congressed with a horse and given birth to an eight-legged colt.”

“Jeez… how did that story circulate, right down to Midgard, even?”

“Some people thought it necessary to mar my success as a mage for the sake of jocularity. I believe one of Thor’s friends came up with that story.”

“I’m sorry.”

“No need to feel sorry. It happened a long time ago.” A mischievous air entered his tone then. “I’ve taken my fair share of revenge for it.”

He reached behind to pull her hands back to his hair. Only then did she realize that she had stopped massaging his scalp. Without any mention of it, she resumed the head massage, though secretly finding it adorable that he prompted her to keep at it.

___________________________________________

“The great Loki of the Nine Realms, it is a pleasure to have your presence grace my realms.”

He stood before her, though disbelieving in the reality of meeting death as a personification. The fact that she had his colouring was all the more disconcerting. Still, he acted unsurprised, as he was wont to do. Even in death, he was himself.

“I’m not sure what makes me ‘great’ or the reason why my presence would please you. Nonetheless, I’m glad to have brought you pleasure.”

“Always with such elegant eloquence. It saddens me that you are here before your time.” She didn’t look sad at all.

“I share that sentiment, your ladyship.”

“You may call me by my name.”

“That would suggest a certain level of familiarity between us, which I do not have the privilege of.”

“You are aware that you are known as my father in the legends of the old. That would afford you the requisite familiarity, would it not?”

“I apologize for that bit of rumour. I did not have any hand in spreading it.” Damn those Midgardians…

“But you did have a hand in my second birth, so to say, and hence, you are well deserving of the title.”

This time he couldn’t contain his surprise. “Pardon me, your ladyship, for I do not understand.”

“Remember your youthful days of wonder? Learning new forms of seidr, using them to create all sorts of eclectic creatures… who later came to be known as your sons.”

Loki sighed at the memory. “Yes. I did not have a hand in spreading those rumours as well.”

“Of course. So… besides these creatures, do you remember creating a girl?”

 “I… no.” He swallowed, wondering where she was taking this conversation.

She gave him a beatific smile. “Yes, Phatḗr, it was I you created, or more aptly, released from my sad confines.”

Loki narrowed his eyes. “But… how? I wasn’t even a master back then.”

“You used my sigils and runes in your spell, unknowing of their deeper meaning. You had the innate magical prowess to carry it out, given your heritage. I had been trapped between dimensions by a competing force, but your use of my sigils restored me to your world.”

“Competing force?”

“An elite band of sorcerers… thought trapping me between dimensions would ensure immortality for everyone. Little did they know, death is inevitable.” She laughed, and the sound was… harsh on his ears. “You were young and innocent of your actions then, but capable enough of breaking the spells of masters of the old. It can be said that there may well be truth in that prophecy about you being a world breaker.”

“The world still stands alive and well, while I am the one broken and dead.”

“Not for long. You do not belong here, Phatḗr. At least, not for a few thousand years.”

He chuckled. “Am I such a nuisance that you will not accept me here?”

“Nuisance you are, but not for the likes of me.” She turned her attention from him to observe her nails, as if bored. “Besides, you are so much more than mere nuisance.”

“I have been called worse. So where do you wish to send me to suffer my afterlife?” He really hadn’t much of an idea of afterlife, but he was willing to go into the oblivion. He was tired… and he wanted to lay himself to rest.

“Afterlife does not await you yet. You are restoring yourself as we speak.”

Her words brought him back from the thoughts of oblivion. “Once again, I’m deeply mystified by your words, Lady Hel.”

“Call me Hela, or better yet, dóttir.

Loki grunted in frustration, but followed her request. “Dýrr dóttir, please explain your puzzling words to your slow old man.”

She smiled delightfully. “You’ll be alive soon, upon my command. You bestowed me with my second life, so to say. I’ll give yours. However, I cannot let you go without a pledge on your behalf.”

“I see you like your bargains, much as the legends tell about you.”

She smiled, and he just about contained a shudder. “What can I say, I’m my father’s daughter. It is the twin realms’ most sacred rule, one even I cannot break.

“What must I pledge to ensure my safe passage back to the realms of the living?”

“To bring me what I most want.”

“And what would that be?”

“That is for you to decipher.”

“What if I fail at my endeavour to decipher or fulfil my pledge? I’m assuming I’ll be brought back here?” He chuckled darkly, feeling cavalier about his own life and death. He felt rather reluctant to go back to a life of struggles and little else.

“It’s not so simple, ungr Konungr.”

He was intrigued by the very specific title she used for him—of a young king. “I’m all ears, dýrr dóttir.”

“Should you fail to bring me my most coveted, I shall be liable to take yours.”

“I suppose that’s a very circuitous way to say you’ll take my life again.”

She gave him a deep, meaningful glare. “Do not assume in haste the true bearing of my words.”

“I will try my best to heed them.”

“You will heed them, or face the penalty of not satisfying your end of the bargain.”

She stood up and walked down the dais slowly, until she reached him. Once again, he was mystified by the uncanny resemblance between the both of them.

“May you have much luck in your second breath of life, of which none you possessed in your first, dýrr Phatḗr. It’s a prospect in changing the course of things and claiming what’s rightfully yours. Bear your epithet in a most propitious sagacity and the new order shall bow to you. However, must you veer from your course, there shall be no hope for you.”

Loki stood rigid in his place as the Queen of the realms of death embraced him, bringing their foreheads together. Her hands, seemingly pale and delicate, traced the taut muscles of his arms and shoulders, his chest and back, releasing a strange energy that seemed to crackle at her fingertips.

Her lips brushed against his as she murmured an incantation in the old tongue. He kept himself still as a statue… trying to absorb the strange interaction.

“Now open your eyes and be born again, Loki of the Nine Realms.”

Loki’s eyes snapped open and he started, his breaths coming in shallow gasps. His vision was unfocused, marred by brilliant colours.

“Loki, can you hear me?”

He grabbed the source of that voice and heard a squeak.

“Loki! Try to count!”

Reva…

Her voice was strained. Something was wrong. Very wrong.

He blinked and put his training as a sorcerer to use… slowly bringing his faculties back to normal, breathing steadily.

That is when he focused on her. She was caught in his grip, and she was biting her lip in distress. His grip. It was too tight. He let go of her immediately and left the bed in haste.

“Loki,” she called after him. “I could help.”

“I… need time to myself, Reva, please.”

He left the room without a backward glance, and locked it with his magic to ensure that she didn’t follow him outside.

Once out in the space called the ‘living room’, he let himself sit on the floor and prepared to meditate…

After about three hours, he felt calm enough to head back to Reva. He usually didn’t get night terrors or dreams that wove back into his memories. Rare as it was, it did strike tonight.

Tonight…

Suddenly, his attention was caught by the date. Quickly, he pulled the time keeping device from his interdimensional pocket and double checked the date, if only to assure himself that he had some time left.

The device didn’t assure him, it told him the harsh truth—it was time for the dreaded ritual.

Back in the room, Reva was fast asleep. Loki felt guilt hover over his conscience… but he shoved it aside.

It was time.

__________________________________________

Reva was pretty sure she was having a nightmare, and wondered if it was linked to seeing Loki suffer through one. She was lying in her bed, but something was very wrong. The need to wake up was there, but she felt unable to do so.

She felt pricks on her skin, like several tiny needles were being inserted into her. It was focused on her pulse points. It wasn’t all that painful, but a very strange sensation nonetheless, unlike anything she had ever felt.

Once again, she tried to awaken, but she was unable to open her eyes or move her limbs.

Oh shit, sleep paralysis… the thought floated inside her sleep-clouded brain.

She hated the phenomenon. Well, everyone hated it.

Moaning, she tried to move again, but only achieved failure in doing so. She would have shouted expletives if she could. Somewhere in her attempts to move, she realized she was probably experiencing hypnagogia, because she felt very aware of herself and her body.

And then it worsened, and she truly grew afraid. It felt as if she was being imbued with some sort of energy. Her skin became fevered, with beads of perspiration forming everywhere.

A thought struck her—she had felt a similar energy before… but where?

The answer came to her after a long time searching through her hazy brain.

The scepter…

But she hadn’t cuddled with the scepter before sleeping. She had worried over Loki before falling into an exhausted sleep.

Loki… could he help her?

She tried to call his name, but her lips seemed sealed shut. Still, she kept trying…

After what seemed like an eternity, her eyelids obeyed her and fluttered open. The first thing she saw was Loki’s face, hovering over her with an overwrought expression and manic eyes.

He was talking to her. Initially, she couldn’t understand a word of what he said. It came to her slowly.

“Shhh… It’s all right,” he said, hands cradling her face. “It shall pass. It’ll get better.”

“Wha?” she croaked, her voice broken and garbled. “What’s… happening?”

“Nothing at all…” He said something else, but she was certain it wasn’t in English. “You’ll be safe. I’ll keep you safe.”

Something in his countenance bothered her, and there was an edge to his voice as well. He looked almost eager in the way he was staring at her.

“Don’t feel well,” she cried out, “everything’s so heavy. Can’t move.”

He shushed her again, and then she heard a clinking noise—metal against metal and something else she couldn’t identify.

The pricks on her skin grew painful. She felt flooded with the same energy she had felt before, but it came with an unfamiliar agony this time round. Everything hurt…

“Loki help,” she pleaded desperately, her eyes filling with tears of anguish.

He simply looked at her as though he was observing a lab experiment, eyes still manic but focused.

“Loki please…” She wasn’t even sure what she was asking him to do, she just wanted this uneasy, painful and cloying energy to leave her body. She was literally getting sick of it. Throwing up was a distinct possibility.

But Loki didn’t move an inch to help her. Instead, she thought she saw a hint of a smile on his face. She didn’t like this smile, it reminded her of the Loki she had met on the helicarrier.

She tried to call his name again, to gain his mercy somehow, but her lips suddenly felt parched and her throat prickly. She realized she was panting.

Another burst of pain shot through her. She wanted to scream, but nothing came out except a hollow, silent cry.

Loki’s smile faltered a little. Then she felt water on her lips and she gulped it down urgently. It didn’t diminish the pain but it helped with her sandpapery throat.

She tried to move again, a futile effort, as she felt an invisible force holding her down.

“You’re doing well, ost min,” Loki spoke encouragingly. “Don’t worry.”

“What’re you doing to me,” she whispered as her whole body trembled under the influence of whatever substance that was coursing through her.

Tears trickled down her eyes as she tried to make sense of the situation. It was clear to her now that Loki was responsible for the suffering she was going through. What she didn’t understand was why he was doing it.

He was voluntarily hurting her, and he seemed to be content doing it. Reva wondered if this was an experiment and she was a mere guinea pig to him. Was that all she was worth to him? Was that the only reason why he showed her affection?

“Why?” she asked brokenly, her voice cracking.

“Hush, Reva.” His fingers rubbed away the tears, but the tender touch did nothing to assuage her. “This shall pass.”

“I’m hurting…” she sobbed, struggling against her invisible restraints.

He held her as she cried and murmured gentle words she didn’t understand. When he finished, somehow, the pain lessened and a heaviness came over her eyes.

“Try to go back to sleep, ost min.” He kissed her on the forehead and retreated. “The worst is over.”

She heard him move around as her eyelids closed with impending slumber. She didn’t want to sleep, and hence, she tried to fight it. But it overpowered her like a sedative and she gave in.

—————-

Reva rubbed her eyes sleepily as she tried to wake up. Sun was shining through her window, alerting her to the fact that it was way past her usual waking hour.

She went on to yawn and stretch, and it made her feel surprisingly good. A purr of contentment escaped her lips.

Beside her, she saw Loki lying in the bed, awake and watching her intently.

Loki…

Pain…

It all came back to her in a rush…

Loki had done something to her, something very painful, and he had seemed pleased about it.

No! Her mind screamed as she scrambled away from him, clutching the coverlet to her chest.

He noticed her quick movements and lifted his head to watch her move away from the bed.

“Good morning, Reva,” he greeted her with a gravelly voice, his eyes still intently focused on her as she wrapped the coverlet around her bare form.

“What did you do to me?” she asked, her voice shaking as she felt the chill of fear spread down her spine. She hadn’t felt this afraid of him ever since the helicarrier incident.

He rose from the bed and languorously strode towards her with a predator’s grace. He was naked as well, but didn’t bother to cover himself. His face bore a relaxed smile, and she had a hard time reconciling it with the fact that he had all but tortured her.

Reva backed away from him, clutching the coverlet tighter around herself. “Answer me.”

“Do you not feel it?” He brushed his knuckles across her cheek.

His touch evoked warring feelings inside her… of desire and dread, of anger and curiosity.

“I felt pain!” She batted his hand away with a snarl. He caught her wrist and he snaked his arm around her waist.

“Reva, don’t be difficult,” he said, looking into her eyes with an uncomfortable intensity, “the pain wasn’t that bad.”

“What the hell do you know about it?” She pushed against him, making him take a step back. In the struggle, the coverlet dropped, and Loki chose that moment to catch her in his arms once again.

“I’d never hurt you,” he murmured, pressing his lips to her hair. “You know this.”

Her body reacted to his proximity, answering with lust. She ignored it. Her anger was far stronger. Still, she noted how her body felt over-sensitized, every touch felt tenfold more intense.

“I thought I knew… not anymore.”

“Why are you so bothered about what I did? Do you feel worse for wear?” His fingers pressed against her temple. It was a soothing gesture but it made her anger rise.

“I feel betrayed!”

She pushed him away, and he actually stumbled. That gave her a pause. Why did he stumble?

Loki appeared to be surprised as well, but then he smirked knowingly. “What would you do if I told that yes, I did do something to you last night, but for your own good.”

“What have you done to me?” She glared at him, picking up the coverlet and wrapping it around herself again while Loki watched her like a hawk. “And why I am not a party in the decision making if it’s for my own good?”

He raised his hands in mock surrender. “Reva, sweet one, you must realize that I did what I did to keep the order of things.”

“But you caused me pain.” She felt her eyes misting, and she swallowed hard to keep the tears at bay.

“Some pains are necessary.” It looked as though he meant to say more, but he stopped abruptly. A beep of some kind came from the general direction of his armour, lying in a corner of the room.

Reva watched him with renewed apprehension as his visage betrayed surprise and irritation.

“I have to leave.”

She stared at him in numb shock as he picked his armour and magicked it onto his body smoothly. “You didn’t even answer me. Will I be in more pain?”

He tried to reach for her again and she slapped his hand away.

He sighed in response but didn’t renew his efforts to touch her. “No, the worst of it is over. You’ll be fine. Contrary what you may believe, I haven’t hurt you.”

“But—”

“Eat the foods that I have brought you. They’re in your cooling device. They’ll help you.” He seemed to hesitate as she kept glaring at him. Then he took a deep breath and nodded. “Farewell.”

He was gone in a flash of green and gold, leaving Reva to simmer in anger and defeat. Tears trickled down her cheeks as she broke down, scared and worried about whatever he had done to her.

One thought kept ricocheting in her head as she let out her anger and confusion in quiet sobs—what had she gotten herself into?