#and left constantine to pick up the pieces and fight a monster that had been ALIVE SINCE ADAM AND EVE. ALONE.

[talentforlying]

what fascinates me about constantine is that he is well-known for being a very skilled and powerful magus, but at the same time, most of his fellow magic users in the world of hellblazer consider his particular brand of magic to be cheap as sin; one of his more popular monikers is even "the gutter mage". and a lot of it has to do with the way that maguses in hellblazer tend to actively create their own forms of magic, tailored to their strengths.

magic in hellblazer is constantly being reinvented by its users, to the point where some people have created entire subfields that had never been considered before — like ritchie simpson inventing quantum magic, being able to interface with technology in astral form; like map being able to symbiotically draw on the energy of the entire city of london in a way that no other mage Has ever or Will ever be able to duplicate. those two are some of the most powerful magic-users in that entire universe, solely because of their ability to invent. imagination, diligence, and intention are the cornerstones of hellblazer's magic system.

and then you have john constantine, who from the perspective of most of the older folks in the magic community just . . . kinda trails around after them, picking up their bread crumbs. his kit of choice are rituals and spells and artifacts and varieties of magic that already exist, rather than building his own. sure, he's innovative with how he uses them, but there's this general air of like: how the fuck did you accumulate a reputation that puts you in the ranking with all these "Actually Authentic" maguses for being the equivalent of a walking, talking dumpster of other people's used-up skills???

( the trick is: he's fucking worked for it. he's a survivor. he has a reputation as one of the most powerful magic-users because he is one of the most tenacious, the most innovative, and the most ruthless. he's able to be the most tenacious-innovative-ruthless because he doesn't turn tail and run at the first threat to his life. people like map, like clarice sackville, like nathan arcane, they feel that they are crucial to the continued existence of magic and need to stay alive for the greater good of the world, and that's why they will fail where constantine will succeed (and also why they'll call him to do the dirty work for them): because he has absolutely no need to preserve himself or safeguard his skillset beyond his basic human desire to live. because he has no magic that is unique to him, nothing that would go extinct if he did first. because as far as the forward march of magical progress goes, in the eyes of the magic community and himself, he contributes nothing that necessitates his future survival, and he is fucking fine with that, because he's the one who actually helps people. )

[hood-ex]

Fear Gas/Injury

Written for Dick and Dami Week 2019

Read on AO3

Dick tried to be prepared for most situations. He grew up as a circus performer where the term “be prepared” was pretty much instilled in him ever since his mom and dad had him hanging from trapeze bars. Then “be prepared” took on a whole new, more intense meaning when he was taken under Batman’s wing.

Be prepared to defend yourself. Be prepared to save a life. Be prepared to fight monsters. Be prepared to visit other planets. Be prepared to lead a team. Be prepared to take down other heroes. Be prepared to be tortured. Be prepared to die.

After years and years of putting all that into practice, Dick was pretty good about planning ahead and making contingencies plans for situations that went to shit. If he didn’t have a plan brewing in the back of his mind, he usually had someone like Babs that could help push him along in the right direction.

There were always outliers that could fuck up Dick’s plans no matter how much he prepared. Magic was close to the top of the list since it was so diverse and unpredictable. There was no telling what kind of spells or rituals magic users had hidden up their sleeves.

The not knowing aspect made Dick uneasy, especially when he was leading a team containing heroes with godlike superpowers. It only took one mind control spell to fuck up the city and kill a bunch of people in the process. That kind of horrific scenario was what lead Dick to learn as much as he could about magic from people like Zatanna, John Constantine, and Jason Blood.

Getting information from Zatanna and Jason had been easy enough. He’d worked with them enough times that there was mutual respect between them. John was another story. Prying information out of him had been as infuriating as trying to get Bruce to talk about his feelings. So if Dick had to bat his eyelashes at John and brush up against him a few times, well, that was neither here nor there. He ended up getting what he wanted, which was all that mattered.

The new knowledge of rituals, symbols, defenses, and spells made Dick feel marginally better about facing off against magic users.

Well, it did up until a second ago when a teen named Mischief cornered him on a fire escape.

She dug her freakishly long nails into the back of his neck and chanted a spell in Latin before he managed to toss her away from him. He could tell the spell had taken effect as soon as he fell to the stairs on his hands and knees, suddenly feeling extremely hot and shaky.

The more logical part of his brain was screaming at him to get away from the magic user as quickly as possible. He felt too exposed and vulnerable in his current state, and she could easily kill him if she wanted to. The other part of him wanted to just lay down and curl into a ball because his limbs, and what he could only assume was his organs, suddenly hurt so much he wanted to scream, or throw up, or do anything to make it stop.

His gloves and his suit felt too constraining. He ripped his gloves off and then squeezed his sweaty hands into fists. He put them up in front of his face, ready to defend himself even though his arms were shaking so bad, he’d be surprised if he could put any real force behind his punches.

Mischief laughed at his attempt and walked down a few steps. A warm breeze blew a few pieces of her blonde hair into her mouth. It made her spit and sputter. Dick would’ve cracked a joke about it if he wasn’t so focused on how his body was failing him.

Instead, he gritted out, “What did you do?”

A lot of pressure started to gather along Dick’s ribcage and spine. He arched his back, muscles pulled taught, and let out an embarrassing keening sound that was practically forced out of his mouth.

“A little birdie told me you fly with bats,” she said in a tone that sounded like a bad impersonation of Harley. “I thought it might be fun if you run with wolves instead. People are used to seeing bats in Bludhaven. But wolves? Not so much.”

Dick watched in horror as black fur started sprouting from his hands as if he was a damn Chia Pet. A tickle along his cheeks had him reaching up to touch his face, only to jerk back when he felt more soft fur there. Holy shit! He was actually turning into a fucking wolf. This was bad. This was so, so bad.

A hundred thoughts started running through his head at once. Was he going to survive the transformation or would his whole body break under the pressure? Was the human part of his brain going to switch off and leave him relying on animal instincts alone? How long was he going to be stuck as a wolf? Was it reversible?

Mischief shifted her weight from foot to foot and yawned.

“This was way less exciting than I thought it would be. So I’m gonna go now, but you have fun with that.” She motioned to the fur that was still spreading across Dick’s skin. “Hope they don’t lock you up in the zoo, or worse, shoot you on sight.”

She gave him a distracted wave, and after jogging down the rest of the stairs, she disappeared from the alley.

Dick tried to get up and follow after her because shit, she needed to undo this spell. He only managed to get a foot underneath him before a sudden burst of pain from his mouth made him double back over. He groaned and cradled his jaw. Okay. Screw that plan. He would just stay right where he was and try not to freak out over his canine teeth doubling in size.

Some part of him realized that he needed to take his suit off or else he’d be stuck inside of it as a wolf. Easier said than done when he was in massive amounts of pain.

Focus. Don’t forget what Bruce taught you. “Your mind is your greatest weapon.” Push past the pain and figure out a plan.

Dick managed to work out a few deep breaths even though he was panting from how much energy it was taking just to stay upright. He worked on undoing his boots. The shape of his feet and heels were already changing, which just made the whole process more difficult. After a few pathetic attempts, he managed to kick them off towards the side of the stairs.

He decided to take his comm out next because he didn’t want it getting stuck in his wolf ear. He wondered if Alfred had been trying to contact him. Since the batcomputer kept track of his vitals, surely it already alerted Alfred about his abnormal physical state. He could just imagine Alfred’s bewildered stare and downturned mouth as he tried to make sense of all the weird readings the Nightwing suit was relaying to him. To be on the safe side, Dick picked up his discarded glove and pressed the emergency button on the inside of it.

A shudder ran through his body. He hurried to pull off his mask and suit. His arms were so weak and shaky at that point, he was barely able to stretch the padded shirt over his head while simultaneously using his feet to kick off his tight pants. The fabric kept getting bunched up around his fur and Dick growled in frustration.

He was practically rocking on his elbows and knees by the time he got his limbs free. His briefs could stay on. The fabric wouldn’t constrain him too much when he was fully transformed, and if anything, it would be a major indicator to Bruce that he was the wolf.

Exhausted, he tried to settle down on his side to finish out the rest of the transformation. He froze when he felt his joints and bones starting to crack. His back arched even more and he let out the most pathetic sounding whine that tapered off into a howl. He clamped his mouth shut. The last thing he needed was to draw attention to himself with the sounds he was making.

A sensation came over his face that felt similar to a punch. He clenched his eyes closed, not wanting to deal with the fact that he suddenly had a snout and an elongated jaw.

The pain became so intense that he could hardly think.

“Bruce!” he tried to scream, only, instead of actual words, all that came out of his mouth was a high pitched bark. He whined and continued to writhe on the ground, nearly bashing his head against the edge of the stairs.

There was no telling how long it took for his body to twist and crack into place. It felt like he’d already spent a fucking eternity in hell by the time the shudders started to come less frequently. Was this how Gar felt the first time he transformed into an animal? Dick doubted it. Gar’s transition always looked smooth and painless. Dick never thought he’d be envious of that trait, but then again, he never thought he’d turn into a wolf either.

Slowly—oh so slowly—the intense pain started to fade away, leaving him sore and achy. He didn’t really want to acknowledge the fact that he now had a long tongue lolling out of his mouth, breaths coming out in steady pants. Right. Wolves had to pant to regulate their body temperatures. They didn’t sweat like humans. Great.

His lip curled above his teeth when he smelt an overwhelming amount of rotten trash, urine, vomit, and other disgusting fluids that were stained all over the alley. Now he understood why Ace and Titus insisted on smelling everything within a two-foot radius on walks. There was so much more to smell with a canine nose.

He was slightly horrified when he caught the scent of something that actually made him want to go find it and eat it. It was probably leftover food, and while his very human mind was revolted by the idea of eating any kind of food that was left in a dumpster, his new wolfy instincts didn’t seem to care so much about things like bacteria and parasites.

Unsanitary or not, his stomach rumbled hungrily. He usually ate a pretty decent meal after patrol, and since his body had just used enough energy to rearrange his entire skeletal system, he was pretty sure he could eat a buffet of food and still be hungry. Maybe he could put his “puppy eyes” to good use and get a hot dog from a nearby street vendor.

Focus, Grayson. You’re a wolf sitting in plain sight. Figure out how to work this body so you can get help.

Right. He could do that. He could make himself stand up and figure out how to walk like an animal even though it was the last thing he wanted to do.

It took him more time than he’d like to admit just to stand up on all four legs. Four very furry legs. Wow, he had a lot of fur. From what he could tell, his fur was black all over, which was actually a relief because it probably helped him blend in with the shadows in the alley.

As sore as he was, he couldn’t help but turn his body in a circle in an attempt to look at his massive body and tail. He tried swishing his tail back and forth a few times, but it was awkwardly stuck in his briefs, and it stayed tucked tightly between his back legs. He was actually surprised his briefs were stretchy enough to partially fit over his giant wolf ass. Even though it felt like the world’s most uncomfortable diaper, he could deal with it for a little while.

Walking as a wolf actually wasn’t that difficult. It was essentially the same thing as crawling, just more fluid. Dick practiced walking up and down the stairs as soon as he felt confident enough. His legs shook from the effort and his paws felt overly sensitive against the hard metal. There was a brief moment where his brain got a little confused and he put the wrong legs down to take a step, but other than that, he had a pretty decent grasp of how to navigate on all fours.

He was busy using his mouth to gather all the pieces of his costume into a pile when he heard the familiar engine of the batmobile rumbling close by. Ears perked, he sat down and watched as the sleek, black vehicle turned into the alley, the headlights momentarily blinding him. He was pretty sure his tail would be wagging if it wasn’t jammed in his undies.

The headlights turned off and the door opened. Dick belatedly realized that he was able to see so much better in the dark. It was almost as if he could pretend he just had his night vision activated on his mask.

He was expecting Bruce to step out looking all frowny and worried—his usual MO whenever Dick asked for help. Instead, to Dick’s surprise, it was Damian that climbed out of the driver’s seat.

Dick had to stop himself from letting out a disappointed whine. As childish as it sounded, he wanted his dad. He wanted to pretend he was 8-years-old again and that Bruce would be there to give him a stiff, comforting hug to distract him from the pain.

If Damian was here by himself that meant Bruce was out of Gotham. The emergency alert Bruce should have received was probably redirected to the cave. Dick knew better than to assume Alfred had sent Damian to Bludhaven to check on him. Knowing Damian, the kid probably heard his distress signal and jumped into the nearest batmobile before Alfred had the chance to send someone else like Tim or Cass to his location.

Dick felt a surge of affection for the kid. They technically weren’t Batman and Robin anymore, but Damian still filled the role of his Robin. He always had Dick’s back when it mattered.

Even though Dick couldn’t see Damian’s eyes, he could tell Damian was staring straight at him. He seemed to be frozen to the spot, obviously not expecting to see a giant wolf in place of Dick. Hell, maybe Damian thought a wolf ate Dick. It wasn’t that crazy of an idea. Dick had once almost been killed by a lion and a killer whale. Being taken out by a wolf wasn’t that far-fetched of a scenario in their line of work.

Dick let his tongue loll out of his mouth, trying to look as non-aggressive as possible. When Damian still seemed unsure of whether Dick was going to attack him or not, Dick gave a little twirl so Damian could get a full view of the briefs he was wearing. The whites of Damian’s mask went wide as he looked down at the GPS device in his hand one more time. That was when it all seemed to click in Damian’s head. Brow creased, he took a few cautious steps closer to where Dick was sitting in the shadows.  

“Nightwing?” Damian called out hesitantly.

Dick let out a bark that hopefully sounded friendly enough. He picked his mask up in his mouth and trotted over to the car, just barely stopping himself from rubbing against Damian’s legs. He sniffed him instead. His costume smelt like a mixture of dryer sheets coupled with a smoky scent that Dick associated with Gotham air. Underneath that was another scent Dick had literally never smelled before in his life. It was kind of sour and tangy.

Hold on… was that Damian’s pheromones he was smelling?

He inhaled deeper and then sneezed as the smell tickled his nose. The scent briefly changed to something sweeter, but it was still tinged with sourness. Huh. Maybe the sour scent was fear and the sweeter scent was happiness? Amusement? Something like that. He would try to compartmentalize it all later.

Damian plucked the mask out of Dick’s mouth with a slightly shaking hand. Dick didn’t know whether Damian was still scared of him or if he was simply scared of what the mask implied about Dick’s wellbeing. It was probably a bit of both.

Damian looked from the mask to the briefs that were stretched over Dick’s furry ass. His mouth was set in a confused frown. It took him a few more seconds of staring before he reached his hand out and held it out towards Dick’s snout. Dick nosed at his glove for a second before pushing his head into Damian’s hand.

And just like that, the awkward tension between them was broken. Damian knelt down to Dick’s eye level and ran his hand over Dick’s head and neck with a look of wonder on his face. The aching in Dick’s body was briefly forgotten as he closed his eyes and leaned his body against Damian’s chest for support. Fuzzy tingles spread from his head to his shoulders as Damian’s fingers continued to run through his fur. It felt so nice that Dick wanted to fall asleep on the spot. After a few more pats and ear scratches, Damian cupped his hands on either side of Dick’s face.

“Richard?” Damian whispered close to Dick’s ear. “Are you actually a wolf or am I insane?”

A bark of excitement bubbled from the back of Dick’s throat. He nodded his head enthusiastically, crowding even closer to the point where he was practically sitting in Damian’s lap.

Damian almost smiled. Almost.

“Are you alright? Who did this to you?” Damian demanded, losing some of the softness in his tone.

Dick flattened his ears against his head and whined. He obviously couldn’t tell Damian what happened to him, but he could show him. He nosed at the mask that was still clutched in Damian’s hand.

Mouth set in a tight line, Damian nodded. “I’ll connect it to the Bluetooth in the batmobile while you gather the rest of your things.”

Dick gently clasped his teeth around Damian’s glove before Damian could stand. The briefs were really starting to get on his nerves and needed them off pronto. He tried to convey that to Damian by twisting his head to look back at his briefs multiple times.

Damian sighed so loudly that the air from his mouth blew Dick’s fur in different directions.

“Really? You managed to take off everything else except that.”

Damian clearly didn’t appreciate Dick’s well thought out idea to make himself identifiable as a human turned wolf. If it weren’t for the underwear, they’d probably still be stuck on opposite sides of the alley, locked in the longest staring contest of all time. Dick hoped his exasperation translated onto his wolf features. It probably didn’t based on the way Damian scowled while guiding Dick’s paws through the underwear leg holes.

“There,” Damian muttered once Dick was finally free. “Now let’s get out of here before someone sees you.”

Dick gave an awkward nod and trotted back to the stairs where his boots and clothes were. He couldn’t wait to get to the manor. He was going to wolf down whatever kind of food Alfred had lying around, and then he was going to curl up in bed and sleep this whole nightmare of a day away.

The aches and pains were really starting to kick in by the time he got himself and all his Nightwing gear settled in the passenger seat of the batmobile. It took him a minute to figure out how he was supposed to sit without falling off the seat. He ended up curling into a ball and then rested his front paws and head over the middle console. The strong current of air from the AC made his ears twitch.

The smell of the car was actually kind of comforting. There was a hint of Bruce’s aftershave as well as a muted copper scent. It smelt more like the cave than anything, but even that was ten times better than the literal vomit he’d been inhaling in the alley.  

Damian started the car and pulled on the road towards Gotham.

“NM37 is connected to Bluetooth,” the batmobile said suddenly, making Dick jump. “Would you like to play the last recording?”

“Yes, play the last recording,” Damian said.

The screen on the dash lit up and then the video started to play. Dick felt his heart start to race when Damian fast forwarded through the beginning of his patrol and resumed playing the video as soon as Mischief appeared. He didn’t want to hear the fear in his voice or the pathetic sounds he made as he transformed into a wolf. He was just glad there would be a limited view of the transformation as soon as they got to the point where Dick took his mask off.

“Mischief?” Damian muttered, gaze still transfixed to the screen. “I’m not familiar with her. Has she appeared in Bludhaven before?”

Dick shook his head.

“A little birdie told me you fly with bats.”

The “little birdie” line of audio caught Dick’s attention. It could just be wordplay, but there was a chance it meant she was working for someone. If she wasn’t working for someone then what were her motives for turning him into a wolf? Money? Power? Revenge?

Dick was so caught up trying to make connections between crimes in his head, he jerked back when he felt Damian’s tight grip on his fur. He couldn’t see Damian’s eyes since the kid still had his mask on, but he could smell the way Damian scent changed to something more bitter. Concerned, he barked and pressed his head into Damian’s hand, trying to gain his attention. It was his only way of asking what was wrong in this stupid wolf body.

He was pretty sure he got his answer when he heard the grunts and whimpers coming from the audio. If he were human, he would’ve been blushing in shame and embarrassment. It sounded like he was dying.

After what felt like hours but was only minutes, the horrible sounds faded into pants.

“Stop the recording,” Damian said suddenly, his loud tone hurting Dick’s ears.

The audio cut off. Damian’s harsh breathing and the purr of the engine filled its absence.

Damian’s tight grip on Dick’s fur was starting to become painful. Dick gently cupped his teeth around Damian’s wrist and applied light pressure, basically the only way he could convey “let go.”

Damian pulled his hand back as if he’d been zapped.

“I apologize,” Damian said immediately, clenching his hands into fists. “That woman hurt you and I...” he cleared his throat. More softly, he added, “That was hard for me to watch.”

Dick watched the conflicted expression on Damian’s face morph into something more sad and timid. It was no secret that Damian was as stubborn about showing his vulnerable side as he was stubborn about everything else in life. Dick had seen that side of Damian more than a few times now. For some reason none of those times made Dick feel as worse as he did right then.

He didn’t really think about what he was doing until he leaned into Damian’s space and licked the side of his face from his jaw to his temple. He just knew he wanted that terribly sad look on Damian’s face to go away.

“Richard!” Damian shrieked. He tried wiping away the spit with the side of his hand. “That’s disgusting! Even Titus has better manners than you!”

Dick huffed and rolled his eyes. He’d seen Titus do the same thing hundreds of times, and Titus licked his balls every day. Now that was something to scream about.

Damian grumbled some more about it before they both settled back down. Dick looked out the window and realized they were only a mile or two away from the manor. He rested his head on his paws and sighed, suddenly exhausted. Any adrenaline he had before was completely gone now. The pain was still radiating through every part of him, and he knew he’d probably be too sore to even move tomorrow. He hoped Alfred could pump some drugs into his system to help with that.

It was as if Damian could somehow sense his pain when he suddenly said, “Don’t worry. I’ll find the harlot that did this to you and I’ll make her change you back.”

Dick gave him his own wolfy version of a smile and tried not to imagine how painful turning back was going to be.  

He barely even twitched when he felt Damian’s fingers slowly run through the fur on his head. He closed his eyes so he could focus on the pleasant tingles that raced from his head to his shoulders.

“Tt. You’re already spoiled,” Damian said when he noticed Dick’s tail wagging.

Dick ignored him and sighed contently, stretching his neck out to show Damian where he wanted to be scratched. The petting and scratching was something he could get used to.

Maybe there were positives to being a wolf after all.

[douxreviews]

Legends of Tomorrow: Luchas de Apuestas

"You were right. There’s no such thing as happily ever after."

Legends of Tomorrow is back with its first episode in nearly four months, and it comes out swinging.

The second half of season four just got real, y'all.

Wow. That is a lot to process. Just... wow.

The most admirable thing about this episode is how much every additional tragedy felt like a natural consequence of the events that led up to it. So often when a show wants to create big, dramatic rifts between its characters it ends up coming across as incredibly contrived. The writing staff wants A and B to have a falling out for whatever reason, and so they find some way of starting a fight between them that usually comes wrapped in a big sign that says 'this is an excuse for A and B to fight.'

That's not the case here at all. What we have here is a bunch of characters that we know quite well by this point, responding to events in ways that feel perfectly true to who they are. And the actions that they take cause other characters to react in ways that are true to who they are, and soon the reverberations of all of those in character actions are careening off in tragic but understandable ways. It's like watching a meticulously arranged domino pattern but with crying.

Obviously, I'm girding myself to discuss Sara and Ava.

OK, right now I'm rocking gently and repeating to myself, 'It's not permanent. They'll work it out' over and over again. But as much as I hate that Sara and Ava have broken up, I can't help but watch all the little steps that led up to it and think, 'Yes. That is exactly how Sara would respond to that' and 'Yep, that's exactly how I would expect Ava to react to that situation.' Of course Sara would choose to give Mona and the Kaupe the benefit of the doubt and try to shield them from the Bureau. Of course Ava would feel betrayed by that and respond by attempting to take more control over Sara and the Waverider in order to protect time. Or course Ava would ultimately try to prevent Sara's team from doing something she sees as reckless by sending in troops, and of course Sara is going to respond badly to that. Just to make it more heartbreaking, they both genuinely tried several times to talk the situation through like adults so that they could head the whole thing off, but failed.

Ava needed Sara to be on her side, and Sara couldn't be because that would mean abandoning Mona and the Kaupe, both of whom are basically innocent, to punishment and torture. She feels like Sara let her down, because Sara did actually let her down, even if it was for the best of reasons. Sara needed Ava to back her up against Hank and the government forces that are torturing their prisoners, and Ava couldn't do that because without Hank and his funding the Time Bureau ceases to exist, which would leave time unprotected just as it's being overrun with magical monsters. She feels like Ava is compromising herself ethically by ignoring the torture because Ava is, in fact, compromising herself ethically by ignoring the torture, even if she is doing it with the greater good in mind.

Which was a great final twist of the knife, by the way. A lot of Sara's dilemma in this episode was not knowing if Ava was part of the corrupt system, or in danger from the corrupt system. And because Sara is an emotionally healthy adult her default position was to have faith in Ava. Which made that final conversation all the more painful when Ava not only revealed that she didn't have a problem with the torturing of prisoners, she also pointed out that the Legends were sending those same prisoners to literal Hell only a few months ago. Ouch. I had forgotten that. Hell, they were ready to send Charlie to Hell now that I think about it. Goodbye moral high ground.

Meanwhile, in the rest of the episode, wow we have a lot of characters now, don't we. So, Charlie and Ray hang out back at the Waverider, while Mick, John, and Sara go to check out the Lucha Libre to which they've tracked the Kaupe. Zari, meanwhile, heads to Time Bureau HQ to dig into their security software and find out if Mona is telling the truth about not having released the Kaupe herself. She pairs up with Nate, and of course uncovers that Hank doctored the footage and is behind the whole 'creature torture' thing. Nate shows that he's undergone some character growth and doesn't fly off the handle at Hank, but instead pretends to be cool with it so that he can go all monster hunter Donnie Brasco. I like that new direction for Nate a lot. Having him investigation the TB from within is a lot more interesting than him slowly turning to the dark side and siding with Hank during the inevitable upcoming civil war, which is where I thought he was going.

Mick, John, Charlie and Ray don't get a ton to do this week, but Mick does get a couple of solid bonding scenes with Mona, over his Buck and Garima books, of which there are now apparently many. I guess that's what Mick was doing over the winter break. John, similarly, doesn't get a lot, but had a couple very nice moments with a Luchador who is supposed to be a big hero, but who's been supplanted by the time displaced Kaupe who's now wrestling under the name El Lobo. The detail that John is apparently a big fan of that particular wrestler and his later monster movies is perhaps a tad too convenient, but it was earnestly endearing, and earnest helps to excuse a lot in my book.

So, after all that uplifting triumph over adversity, Mona has the opportunity to run away with the Kaupe, but makes the emotionally correct choice to not run away from her problems, and everything is warm and fuzzy and deeply moving. But then the Kaupe is abruptly shot and killed and Mona is apparently a werewolf (were-Kaupe?) now, and all you can think as a viewer is, 'Oh, that's why they reminded us about her Kaupe-injury and why we had all the wolfman references made to the Kaupe. They were setting up that moment really well as the natural consequence of this sequence of events and I didn't even notice.'

If only every hour of broadcast television understood and used cause and effect as a result of character choices this well. What a world that would be.

So what have we learned today?

That the show isn't even remotely concerned about what the knock on effects of changes to the timeline might be anymore. That was actually the one big flaw this week. If the presence of the Kaupe in 1961 was changing the timeline in a way that the Bureau could see, then it would have eliminated a lot of the underlying problem. Specifically, if Ava could have seen that having the Kaupe fight the Lucha de Apuestas fight was the only way to get history back on the correct course, then the whole final fight could have been avoided.

Of course, the whole final fight was much more about Sara and Ava and their relationship, so it doesn't detract that much from the episode. But it would be nice if they'd addressed it at all.

Everybody remember where we parked:

This week the Waverider went to Mexico City, 1961, to catch a little Lucha Libre. And Zari somehow flitted back and forth between the Waverider in 1961 and the Time Bureau in the present day.

Present day, interestingly enough, is still stated here as 2018, probably unavoidably, as the action picks up right where "Legends of To-Meow-Meow" left off.

Quotes:

Gary: "Aw, what an adorable little puppet." Puppet: "Eat my fuzzy dung, ya dick!"

Ava: "Gary. Close that hospital gown or I will report you to HR."

Gary: "I don’t know who I am. I don’t know why anything is things. I don’t know where my nipple went. Where’s my nipple? Where’s my nipple?!?"

Constantine: "Oh, come on Raymondo."

Nate’s mom: "Zari? What a beautiful name for a beautiful woman with excellent childbearing hips."

Ava: "Sara, my ass is already on the line. Feeling me up in front of my boss is not a good idea right now."

Constantine: "Trust me, there’s nothing people like more than a good comeback."

Bits and pieces:

-- Please don't let them be hinting that Zari and Nate are going to be a couple. I'm just not down for it.

-- Zari and Sara again looked absolutely amazing in their party dresses.

-- On the one hand, I like the implication that the show has finally remembered Nate's hemophilia, since it's implied that that's why his parents host an annual fundraiser for it. On the other hand, it's weird that that never came up once from anyone.

-- Seriously, powers that be, if you're going to take a four month mid-season break, for the love of god make the first half's episodes available on-demand so that we can get back up to speed. I spent most of this episode thinking, 'Oh yeah, I forgot that that happened,' which really killed several of the reveals for me.

-- I really, really wish that there'd been a luchador with the number 5 on his mask, somewhere in the background.

-- Luchas de Apuestas means a fight with a wager on it. Usually either the opposing wrestler's mask or hair.

-- Was the Kaupe a demi-god before? Because I think that was a bit of a ret-con.

-- Apparently the heavily hinted Gary/Mona/Kaupe love triangle is not going to be a thing. I hope they find a way to fix Gary and that he forgives Mona.

-- I did not see Mona's monster transformation coming. Can't wait to see where that goes.

-- When exactly did Sara and Ava learn that Tango? Not that I'm complaining, it looked amazing.

-- I would totally play Ray's 'Cards to Save the Timeline' game.

An episode that was both a lot of fun, and a lot of heartbreaking. Welcome back, Legends. You were gone too long.

Three and a half out of four missing nipples.

Mikey Heinrich is, among other things, a freelance writer, volunteer firefighter, and roughly 78% water.